#the thing is i dont think im alone in suffering from this phenomenon

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

i feel like no matter how often i read the novel, i still fall back into a default state that feeds off the show. not talking about characterization, vibe, or anything significant. more like the little details, plot points, backstories of side characters, and so on. for example, it hasnt been that long since i last read tyk, but between then and now i went back to thinking mhy is responsible for both cwn and axiang’s death, and that wen kexing takes his revenge on him both as a stand-in for axiang, but also because he lost his little sister because of this man, which isnt true, as i found out just now. i also forgot the atrociously different-to-woh detail about zzs’s sword; something woh handily embroidered a sect heirloom story around, and which i thought qhz might have gotten as a payment or smth from yby: not the case. when will this torment end? cry

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Momo ver.

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

ALRIGHT YALL NEW TROPE ALERT ➡ STAR TEAR DISEASE

Basically the cousin of Hanahaki Disease. Unrequited love causes a person to cry star tears accompanied by the sound of twinkling and if the feelings are not returned said person goes colour blind

And I just !!!!

tdmm AU where Momo gets star tear disease and the first time she cries in front of Todo after the exam with Aizawa she cries star tears???

And she doesn’t know what it means and neither does Todo but maybe Aizawa does and recognizes what it means but idk

So Momo goes on this whole literary quest to research what it means. And Todo volunteers to help bc umm?? Even the pressure point in her foot doesnt stop this phenomenon so he wants to figure it out too

And along the way they dig through the UA library on study dates and dig through the bookstores and dig through the interwebs together

Spending more and more time together, Momo starts to realize she’s feeling something. that is until one night she finds it on the web what star tears mean

Its her unrequited love for Todoroki

And her realizing this just makes it w or s e

Bc the consequence of not having her feelings returned means she goes colour blind

Or you know what, im just gonna alter it and make it more angst. She goes fully blind, ya lets do that.

SO MOMO

Poor bby is grappling with this realization and coming to terms with it all on her own; recognizing that if she doesnt let Todo know after all this time spent together she’s come to love him....... she'll go blind

But ofc its Momo... poor bby selfless Momo....

Her feelings and her own and not a responsibility of Todo to like her back and cure her of this disease so there is NO WAY she’s gonna burden him with that

Plus they’re both too busy tryna be heroes and shouldn’t have this as a distraction

So ofc Momo's not gonna tell Todo

And she cries and cries even more star tears that twinkle in fill her room in the dark like galaxies in the sky.

Its really beautiful.

She'll accept that she'll go blind never to see the face of her loved ones again. Her parents. Her friends....... Todoroki.

And that potentially she might have to give up her dream of being a hero if the blindness compromises it.

But she'll accept that.

The next day she wakes up and cant see a colour

And slowly it begins.......

She loses green first. Its hard to distinguish green from yellow

Then yellow goes

Then orange

Then one by one colour fades over weeks and weeks

Ofc shes not telling anyone.

She fakes it in class, during hero training, during her internship

That when Ochako and Hagakure asks "isnt the colour dress cute?" holding up a lovely chartreus and gold dress, she lies and says yes even though she sees gray

Which breaks her even more

And so she cries alone at night some more star tears

And it keeps going

All the while Todo noticing from beside his desk......

something is off...

But he doesnt ask her. Not yet.

Because after weeks of spending time with her researching, he believes they’re close enough that she'll share with him what’s going on

He didnt question it when she told him "its ok Todoroki san, we can stop researching"

"Did you figure it out?"

"Yes. Its nothing to be concerned about anymore"

He doesnt question it when he notices her in the morning at breakfast,,, the little speckles of star dust glimmering at the corner of her eyes

And he doesnt question himself either when he starts to think the twinkling tears she cries when she thinks she is alone,, makes her look really beautiful

Its those some odd moments when he passes the classrooms on the way back to the dorms at sunset that he sees her alone by the window,, looking out,, as the sun paints the sky reds pinks yellows and oranges,,, that she stares out and star tears fall from her eyes, twinkling in the setting light

And he thinks to himself that she is really beautiful,, a shadow against the setting sun

So he watches and thinks some more

That shes beautiful even without the sunset. Beautiful in class answering the hardest question. Beautiful in battle when her tactics win over her opponent. Beautiful studying when he notices her little motions when shes concentrating.

But while Todo thinks that to himself, Momo cries. Little star tears in her eyes.

She cant see the sunset anymore.

.

.

.

He doesnt think its serious when she tells him to disregard the matter

But when he happens to run into her when visiting his mom at the hospital, and she’s on her way out from the optometry & ophthamology department to get this whole eye thing checked out, thats when he realizes

Oh. This is serious.

And he starts trying to get her to talk but she’s being all avoidy and tight lipped

Cuz from Momo’s doctors’ appointment, the doc told her there’s no cure unless she gets over the feelings herself or her feelings are returned

And really now, she still thinks its her burden to bare not his

So logically the only thing she thinks she can do to slow down the blindness from the tears is to shut down her feelings for him. Put them in a box. And become cold.

Todoroki hates that.

That she’s being avoidant and cold when he knows something is wrong and wants to help her but she is being so not Momo anymore

He wants the kind, loving, selfless, pure hearted, strong Momo he's grown to learn and respect and know back

And that’s when he realizes he really cares for her

Not just admiring her beauty. Or respecting her battle instincts and leadership

That he realizes he really likes her

Perhaps even loves her.

So thats that.

Until its mission time.

Cuz its not angst until someone gets hurt and the other realizes they’ve been keeping a secret all this time sooooooooo

Smth smth UA kids vs a new baddie or minor villian or idk it could be dabi for all i want bc i put dabi in everything lmaooo

But who they’re fighting is not important

The important part is tdmm are on the same team

Maybe deployed as partners even

And theyre fighting back to back against some grunts

And at this point Todo is frustrated he’s not getting through to Momo just after he shook his own world realizing he likes her

And Momo's being all cold but civil and she is completely colour blind.

Theres no undoing the damage in her eyes. She can see in muted muddy tones and grayscale.

So for plot convenience lets say the villain has some kinda colour distortion quirk that mixes up the perception of colour from the true colour in a form of illusion or smth idk

So when the grunts in all black uniform end up attacking them, to Todo and Momo, one looks dressed in red, another in green, others in blues yellows purples

tdmm do pretty well fending them off until Todo notices 3 of them in blue green and purple about to attack Momo at once

And she’s ready to fend them off but doesnt notice a 4th one in red coming in for a swift sneak atttack right behind the green one

But Todo does notice

And he shouts

"YAOYOROZU THE RED ONE"

But she cant tell

And the knife lands deep in her shoulder

And Todo burns the rest to a crisp

You can imagine what the conversation is in the aftermath, when Momo has her shoulder bandaged up and Todo tending his own wounds

"Yaoyorozu.. please be honest with me. Why didnt you avoid the red one when I shouted?"

Because, he knows, that the heroine Creati he's trained along side with for so long would have been able to anticipate the grunts assault

That she would have expected a sneak attack amidst a simultaneous attack

But the fact that she didnt. Couldnt. Avoid it definitely means shes been handicapped

And Momo, upon being asked, hurt and tired from their battle finally relents

She cant lie to him any longer.

"It was because... i couldnt tell. I couldnt distinguish their colours. I havent been able to for a few weeks now.... I've..."

A star tear falls from her eyes.

"I've lost my colour vision Todoroki-san"

Tiny galaxies fall from her eyes as she finally explains to him what these tears are

And Todo is speechless as she talks, only able to hear the twinkles against her words broken against sniffles and hiccups

And when sh’es said all she knows - that this is a disease that will turn her blind, that there is no cure and it comes as a consequence of loving someone who doesnt love you back, that she doesnt want to burden the person she loves with her responsibility, that she has been trying bury her feelings to save herself ...

He finally asks: "Who is it.  Tell me who it is that you love Yaoyorozu"

.

.

.

.

"You. Its you Todoroki-san"

And his heart broke.

He pulls her into a hug,, so tight she thinks she might be crushed

And its his turn to cry against her

Because all this time she was doing this for him

"Im sorry Momo. Im so sorry. You dont have to suffer alone anymore. Because we're partners, long before I even realized it"

"Eh?"

He looks into her eyes, unwavering

"Im in love you too."

The tears that fall from her next are no long starlight.

Epilogue/trivia:

Momo loses her colour vision following the colour wheel starting with green ➡ yellow, orange, red, etc until blue is last to go

Shes most heartbroken about losing red and blue cuz those are the colours she associates with Todo (when she cant see the sunset anymore its when she realizes she lost red and that’s why she’s crying)

Since the damage of the disease cant be restored, she has to deal with greyscale vision for some years

Eventually Eri rewinds it for her once Eri can control her power

but for those some years Momo is so busy!! cuz she goes into genius mode and starts creating (and probably working with Hatsume) vision impairment accessibility tools? Yes

and bc I have an unhealthy obsession with the todofam, Natsuo probably ends up getting a case of the disease for some odd reason if he ever broke up with his gf and Todo upon hearing it is like NO GO TELL HER PLS

He’s not gonna let anyone else on the other end feel the guilt that he did for Momo

> archives masterpost

[tenisonline]

entry two - 4/4/2022

i want to talk a little bit about access. i have been thinking a lot about it.

what does it mean when someone has access to me? this is a concept i had never considered before recently. as human beings, we are each our own individual network- we connect our plugs to other peoples outlets- and we have outlets, too, that people can connect their plugs to. we are constantly exchanging energy back and forth, so much so that we can build connections with total strangers in an hour, or in 30 minutes, if we try hard enough. so access is important to humans. humans that are in exile, without access to others, often die earlier than those of us who have connections. there is an entire underbelly of people who suffer under the thumb of that phenomenon we call loneliness, one of the most painful things in the world to be when you are human. 

we will do crazy things to not be alone. up until summer 2021, i did not know what it was like to not be in a relationship or a talking stage. my worth was directly correlated, to me, to being the object of someone’s desire. whether it was a looooong online relationship with someone i met on social media, or an irl relationship with someone who didn’t care that much for me, or someone i didnt care that much for, i was always With someone. it was hard for me to meet people, but at the same time, not hard. people enjoyed that i was quiet and agreeable. i was palatable, masking autism all throughout childhood and even into adulthood i now realize, and i was smart and strong willed and i had my head on straight, even when on the inside i was twisty and confused. people liked everything about me. even when they hated me they could admit, that they still kind of liked me. so i dated any kind of person. i continued to date, and search, and break things off, and date, and search, until i met daniel.

we dated for nearly two years. junior year to summer 2021, he was the person i thought i would be with forever, which now looking back makes no sense. he was not the kind of person i usually would be attracted to. my emotional connection to him made him attractive, and outside of that, it wasnt there. after a while i started to wonder if maybe- just maybe- i was hunkering down too early. but how could i leave a perfect and happy situation? there wasnt a single person who could understand how i was feeling except two of my closest friends at the time. they watched me, hair messy, wearing only leggings like a 40 year old married woman, stressed over a boy who was only a very small percentage of the life i would live. i dont know how to love without making it my whole life. and the truth is i may never learn how. so breaking up with daniel was like tearing off an arm. i amputated a perfectly good limb so that i could walk farther than i ever had before.

post daniel era, i wasnt dating everyone. i was fucking everyone. before summer i had only had sex with him. after summer i wanted it from anyone who wanted it from me. it was instant gratification-- go on tinder, get a match, pretend to care about what the other person is doing, meet for a movie, pretend to watch it, have sex that was either mind-blowing or awful. i fell in interest, not at all in love, but in interest, just a little bit with everyone i met. none of them were really worth my time. the ones that seemed like they were, i never matched with anyway. 

i picked up a lot of spirits and ghosts. that’s how i feel. once i did it once, and then ten times, and then sixteen, seventeen, i started to feel dirty and tainted. i dont believe sluts are bad people. i believe im not a good one. my body is too sensitive, my insides are easily sickened, one wrong breath ruins my pH and i just love love too much. im in love now as i speak. i have never met him in real life, but by the time i do-- in december-- we’ll have been in this thing for one good year. he understands me. he likes me a lot, i cant speak to whether he loves me or not and i will never force his hand. but i know deep in my heart we can build something so beautiful it hurts to look at. ive never felt this way about someone. i am so willing to fight tooth and nail, i am so in love with him, it burns me.

access is so important. when the right people have access to you the world is right. but when the wrong people have access to you? you get viruses. your system overrides with bugs and anime popups and viagra ads- until you shut all the way down or you’re haunted forever by who you see in the mirror.

i used to be easy access. it was easy to have me. i am not like that anymore, i just cant be. i promise myself, from now on to just work so much harder on not letting viruses into my life. i am going to change my number, and get off social media, and try to live my present life the best way i can. i have spent so much time and energy trying to idealize a version of me that is so perfect and posh- that has all these things going on- ive let years and years of real time pass. what if i put that energy into my relationship with my family, my boyfriend, and into making friends? i could be living a completely different life in a year. i WILL be living a completely different life in a year and i mean that in a completely positive way. i believe in the universe. ive always had this feeling, like something is protecting me from afar. i feel like a lucky person. even when everything falls through i still have everything at the same time, and im grateful. so how does it look to my guides when i allow others to toy with them, when i allow viruses to plague the vessel im supposed to love? 

no more viruses. not now not ever. i am going to change my number. 

- jainie