#the thing is - I've lived here my entire life and been doing queer liberation activism here since I was 13

[erin-gilberts]

I get the weirdest liberal version of thoughts and prayers over being from Indiana sometimes but there is something to be said about the devil you know vs. the devil you don't.

[sharkfish]

Where do you find other kinky people? I've dated a string of very vanilla people but I'm ready to get wild--i just don't know where to look

all right i have a couple different answers to this, but the problem is that i live in a big, liberal city (austin), and it seems like both queer people and kinky people are fuckin everywhere, so this advice may be absolutely useless anywhere else 

a) i have met the vast majority of people i know who i did not meet at work or on tumblr IN MY ENTIRE LIFE on okcupid. i have been using okcupid since i was so young i had to lie about my age (and was still in kansas, but that was pre-kink). i’ve met long term partners, kinky flings, Just Friends, casual dates, asexual relationships, NSA sex including threesomes, on okcupid. 

b) everyone flips out when i say this but i’ve met a LOT of people on craigslist for hookups 

c) i only had tinder for a brief time and i THINK the only person i met off of that was a vanilla dude who i dated for several months and is now a very good friend -- and, btw, i introduced to bdsm and he’s totally bummed he doesn’t have that in his life rn. BUT i think this could be useful for that purpose too 

d) LOCAL MEETUP??? try to find a local bdsm/kink facebook group, or check on fetlife to see if there’s a group geared towards people in your area. i, personally, hate groups of strangers, so this is NOT for me, but there’s a bdsm group here that hosts educational seminars, play parties, and social happy hour gatherings (which, yes, are often called munches). if you have a local fetish store, they might have classes or meetups or resources for such a thing. 

e) i assume you know about fetlife but.. yeah.. fetlife... whatever

***THE MOST IMPORTANT THING***

whether you are interested in domming or subbing, but ESPECIALLY if you are interested in subbing for a male dom, you are going to run across a lot of fucking creepy slimy fuckheads who a) are just abusers calling themselves doms or b) learned everything THEY know about bdsm from porn, which is worse than learning everything you know from fic. 

you should always be careful about who you’re meeting and revealing your deets to on the internet, especially if you’re a woman, and even people who mean well can easily be... misled.... by misconceptions about bdsm

for example, i slept a couple times with a guy who, we had talked via text etc a lot and seemed to be into really interesting things, but when we actually hooked up there were things that made me uncomfortable -- i was concerned he was not fully respecting my boundaries and i also thought he was probably into more humiliation type play than i am, which is fine except means we’re not compatible if he can’t shelf that, so after a few times i decided to cut him off. he asked why, and i explained both those things to him 

he was legitimately bummed out, because he thought he was doing what i -- an “experienced” submissive or w/e -- wanted from a dom. that’s fucking dumb of him, but i don’t want to see inexperienced subs and inexperienced doms getting together and causing havoc on each other bc neither of them know how to talk effectively about this. 

...and i don’t want anyone taken advantage by doms who claim to be experienced and hold that over your head if you are unsure if this is what you want

i think i am ok at weeding the assholes out, because the majority of my sexual experiences (--and as mentioned, i’ve hooked up with over 50 people, most of whom i met online) have been... fine. i’ve had plenty of mediocre sex, sure, but only a couple times have i actively wished i could get out my time turner and stop that from happening, and most of it was a good time, even if we decided we were ultimately not the most compatible 

but you’ve GOT to be careful, and you’ve got to be determined that YOU DON’T NEED DICKPICFAKEDOM69696969 who just told you you’re not submissive enough, because out there is someone who will cane you until you cry and still respect you as a person. 

EVEN IF YOU DO LIKE TO BE DEGRADED SEXUALLY, DO NOT let any “doms” talk to you disrespectfully before you are even in a sexual situation. if they message you and start out telling you what a piece of shit ugly pig whore you are without even saying “hi how are ya,” block them. that’s not someone who recognizes you as a human person first and foremost, and when you’re giving someone the option of doing violence to you, you want to feel pretty sure that you’re in the hands of someone who is control of themselves. 

i guess my advice would be very similar to new doms -- know that you have the responsibility to control yourself and maintain respect for the submissive AS A HUMAN BEING, even if you are also enjoying causing violence. it’s ok if you like to hit people or order them around! it’s ok if you like to be hit or ordered around! but regardless of your role, you deserve and should expect to be treated well, whatever that looks like to you, and you should do the same to your partner. 

(i’m very, very intoxicated at this point, so ending this here and just praying to dom!jesus that this is vaguely coherent at some point)