#the surgery went good and their were no complications but i feel so dirty inside rn and i know it's normal but still can't help it

[myauditionfordrphil]

God I feel like shit rn

[nyubiecore]

What Do I Call You ☆ ju haknyeon

a the boyz haknyeon oneshot

" It feels complicated tonight half wishing and half joking, I ask you to come out, come out, come out I lean on you who came to see me "

doctor ju haknyeon x f! reader

genre : slight angst , fluff , a little kiss scene

in which your emotion went down the drain when your ex whom you haven't gotten over assigned to the same hospital with you

" fucking jerk , what's he doing here so suddenly did he get kicked out from his previous hospital or something " you blurt out furiously "even if in any case that really happened , but still why in the world did he come here , there's 4 other hospital around this area , why here "

" calm down (y/n) don't get so worked up you have 4 scheduled surgery today " one of the doctors calming you down

you huff , angry

-

you walked to the nurses desk to check your schedule for surgery

" hi Nurse Kim , it's been so long since you last came to work , how's your little boy? how's motherhood doing? " you greeted the nurse

" don't even mention it , my Ikjun is just a few months old but he's starting to crawl , last night I heard a big thud and found him on the floor " she replies as she laugh a little " also - check out your last surgery , you're doing a combined surgery with the orthopedic department if I wasn't mistaken "

" a combined surgery? I never heard about it..? " you said as you read along the lines of the schedule " surgeon- holy shit- j- ju- JU HAKNYEON? " you said a little too loud as you received glances

"w-why? is anything wrong"

" n- no I'm sorry " you covered your mouth , embarrassed "I-I'll get back before my surgery. I- I'm in need of so much fresh air right now " you said as you ran into the changing room

you changed into your tracksuit , earbuds plugged in.

walks around the hospital is somehow your only escape from reality - after breaking up with Haknyeon. you loved the walk , no one is interested enough to look at you since most of them are patients and you also get to buy delicious snacks at the snack bar around the area

after walking around for the third time , you sat at one of the bench catching your breath and looking at the scene

then you heard a loud thud somewhere near you , you plugged out your earbuds searching for the source of it.

then- there he is , on his knees with his books all scattered away

" j-ju haknyeon , hey you okay? " you ask

the boy looked at you in surprise probably didn't know you were here , you thought

you tried to help gather his books

" let me do it " he said

you stopped abruptly somehow taken aback by his cold tone , gave him one last dirty look before going back inside the hospital

you sat infront of your locker in the changing room

your belly vibrated out of hunger which you didn't give two flying elephants about

" ju haknyeon , you jerk. why did you come back here " you mumbled to yourself

" fucking jerk , did you even miss me? how could you say something to me so coolly , right I guess I was the only one missing you , jerk " you said in tears

it still did hurt seeing him after those times but what to do , you don't think he misses you

your breakup wasn't bad nor you guys separated on bad terms .. let's just call your relationship a 'right person wrong time' situation

you were in your hectic last year of residency , Haknyeon wanted to follow a senior for his first year as an OS , you thought it was too far away from your house and things might have or might have not taken a turn for the worse , breaking up. though you guys did talk it out and separated in good terms. you just somehow couldn't help but think of him every now and then.

you weren't alright the first few months but you acted fine - in reality you cried every time you went back home.

-

your first surgery of the day was in about 30 minutes , you freshen up and got ready for the surgery

the first and second surgery was fine and went successfully , by the third surgery , the hunger and sleepiness started to kick in but you wrapped up the surgery without any problem

your last surgery , the most unanticipated one , you suddenly felt nauseous. it's always this way for you , if hunger and sleep deprivation came together , you ought to throw up if you don't follow demands of your body

but you held it in as you performed your part of the surgery. by the time you wrapped up your part , Haknyeon was ready to switch positions with you.

it didn't take long for the nauseous feeling to kick real hard , worse , you also felt dizzy

the next thing you know , your vomit is now all over the floor , to top everything up you also - fell asleep - fainted on the floor of the operation room taking everyone by surprise

Haknyeon finished his part before asking one of the nurses to wrap up for him

he ran up to you checking your breath - he carried you onto his back and ran out the operation room

by the time you guys were in front of the staff room you had came to your senses

analyzed the situation - out of embarrassment - you kept silent tightening your arms around his neck , pretending to sleep

" it's Ju Haknyeon 's smell " you mumbled as you take in the scent of his

maybe you've spoken too loud since he had slowed down he's steps

you gritted your teeth out of embarrassment once again when he stopped by one of the beds

" get down , I know you're awake " he said

you slowly went down and hiding your face from him

as soon as you got down he ran outside the room - you scoffed

" I mean- why'd he bring me all the way here just to abandon me , jerk " you shrug as you got inside the washroom

the fifth time you splashed water over your face , you heard footsteps coming into the staff room again

" it's Ju Haknyeon " you said to yourself knowing all too well how his footsteps sounds

" it it Ju Haknyeon , come out "

you shrug and made your lazy footsteps walking back inside the staff room

a white plastic bag were put on the nearest desk " here , eat it " he said

he then took a seat on one of the chairs , looking at you

you looked at him confusedly before looking into the plastic bag - a cup of your fav ramen brand , coffee bread , 3 different kinds of yogurt drinks

" take it back I'm not hungry " you said , coldly and shoving the plastic bag his way

" as if , you think I won't know? It's your habit to skip eating when you're packe- " he stopped

you cleared your throat still analyzing

" we must've spent too much time together in the past , we shouldn't have. In the end we became like this too "

" just eat that and get back in "

" don't take care of me , we aren't anything more than colleagues now , right? " you said and tried to walk away

" I thought about you 5 times a day , my mind is always about you , and I'll admit the obvious , I'm not over you - well completely " he said

you freeze in your spot

" I came back here because I wanted to see you again "

you turned to face him " what are you saying "

he walks to you " you're not the only one who missed me - missed us , I did too - and I still do "

you felt tears welling up in your eyes " you.. heard me in the changing room? "

" you fool , the male and female changing rooms are separated by a fucking curtain what do you expect "

" ... right "

" right , can I do something I've wanted to do since I came here? "

" what is i- "

he walked over to you , you froze not knowing what to expect

next thing you know , your lips connects with his , as if in sync your tears drops to your cheeks

you pulled away , making eye contact with him

" don't cry , my heart hurts " Haknyeon shrugs

" you jerk , do you know how much I missed " you cry , pulling him to wrap you in his arms

" not jerk , Ju Haknyeon "

" shut up , jerk "

" stop calling me that "

" jerk jerk jerk "

" don't you da- "

" jerk jerk je- "

he kissed you again to shut you up

" hey , who gave you permission to do that "

" well said to the person who didn't try to push me away " he mocked you " dare call me jerk again , I'm Ju Haknyeon your lover , alright? " he said softly cupping your face

<end>

[youarejesting]

Hope in the sheets.7

[Masterlist]

Beta: N/A Pairing: Hoseok x Reader Genre: Friendship, Comedy, Soft boy, Fluff, SMUT, Friends2Lovers, Words: 4.4k

Summary: You held many titles: his neighbor, colleague, wing-man… well, more likely a wing-woman, yet most importantly, you were his best friend. You had been friends since you were born. Between the two of you, you were younger; barely, but he never let you forget it. He always seemed to ruffle your hair and tease you, which could get rather annoying but he made up for it by treating you to things.

What if a drunken one night stand between you and your best friend Hoseok leads to more complicated situations? Your reckless twenties are cut short as you find yourself suddenly responsible for something a little more.

Warning: mentions a sex tape, mentions a birth tape

[First] [Previous] [Masterlist] [Next]

 “Ah! Ah! Ah!” This videotape felt dirty, Hoseok wasn’t sure why, but he was sweaty, his heart raced, as he tried to look anywhere but at the screen. The woman on the video kept making noises and heaven forbid he look between her legs. Was it warm in here or was it just him?

“As you can see the birth canal opens up wide to let the babies head come down and out and the shoulder here is the widest part, so you have to be careful to listen to your body otherwise you may tear, so here we go these are the final pushes and then the baby will slip out—”

“Hoseok, Hoseok wake up!” You called alarmed, Hoseok opened his eyes to see you and the birth class instructor standing over him.

“Don’t worry love, there is always one in every class who faints” The woman handed over some ice, “Put this behind his neck it will help slow his heart rate, nerves sometimes get the better of the soon to be dads”

Sitting up Hoseok sat up a little embarrassed, “sorry, I didn’t mean to faint”

“No, Hobi, it’s okay I feel nauseous as hell after that video too.  That looks scary as hell I don’t think I can do it” you whined. “This class traumatized me more than it helped, and what do we get a couple of cookies and some watered down juice. 

“You are so strong and I think you can do it?” Hoseok tried to reassure you and you scoffed. 

“If you're so confident you push the baby out.” Hoseok paled again swaying on the spot and you laid him back down. “You are properly scared aren’t you?”

“I am horrified,” he laughed, “I am a big chicken”

“Honestly, I am scared too but I don’t get a choice Hobi, this baby is inside me and it has to get out somehow." you shiver after confessing the fear that had been building in the back of your mind. “If I wasn’t afraid of surgery I would install the old side door”

The gesture of a flat hand across your stomach made Hoseok smile sadly. He took your hands in his. 

“I’m sorry that you have been dreading this. I will try to be someone who can eliminate your fears, little darling momma” he kissed your head. The instructor called everyone back to the mats and began explaining how to wash a baby and how to hold a baby for the first time. 

It was a fun class but you were happy to get home and rest, biding Hoseok good night. He went quickly to his house where Jimin was sitting waiting for him with a hanging clothes bag. 

“What were you so busy doing that I had to pick up your dry cleaning?”

“Y/n’s birthing class” Hoseok's face turned grave as he adopted a serious tone. “Jimin, don’t ever go to a birthing class. I don’t think I can unsee what I saw.”

“Haha, I’m not that silly, I know where babies come from. I am glad I am a man who likes men, so I will never step foot in a birthing class unless you pay me a large fortune. I mean I could watch someone give birth for money."

Hoseok shivered, making Jimin laugh at his expense. “You look pale, so let's change the subject. I bought Yoongi's old van. He sold it for some new equipment. That means I can get rid of the junk van I was driving before.”

“Can I have your old van?” Hoseok jumped on the opportunity. 

“Uh sure, but I think it’s more money than it’s worth, you can have it for free because it needs new everything.” He shrugged “I was just going to make it scrapped metal”

“Yeah I can fix it up, I got some money lying around.” Hoseok yawned, “anyway thank you so much for getting my suit. I have my first day of work tomorrow, so I should go to bed early”

“Alright, but tomorrow night celebratory drinks for your first day?” Jimin clutched his shoulder. 

“Of course,” Hoseok laughed, waving goodbye and carrying the suit to his apartment. 

“Hey man, how was your day?” Jimin shouted from his newly acquired van from Yoongi. “Get in, we can celebrate tonight” 

Jimin drove Hoseok home under strict orders to grab a nice change of clothes so the two could get ready at his house and go out celebrating Hoseok’s new job. Hoseok took the stairs two at a time leading to his apartment, his hand brushing past your old door. He missed you. He missed having you at his work, at his home, at his leisure. You two were inseparable and yet torn apart by the stages of life.

Hoseok had assumed you both would be single and somewhere in your mid-thirties you would just get married to one another for convenience. He grabbed some clothes and found the blacklight outfit you had bought for him, he pushed it aside trying to move on for just a moment. 

Instead, he grabbed a classic black button-up and a pair of black dress pants. He placed the items in a bag and headed back down to Jimin waiting excitedly in the driver's seat. He drove them across town singing along to the radio and pulled into the driveway of a beautiful home. Jimin was a sugar baby and so he accumulated a lot of money with ease.

Jimin picked up the package by his doorstep curiously and read the name, his face broke out into a smile. Opening the box he found a beautiful pair of earrings. Hoseok paused, knowing Jimin had been talking about these types of earrings for a long time, but these ones looked handmade and a little cheap, not from a brand-name store like most of Jimin’s other clients would buy.

“They are so cute,” Jimin smiled, lifting the note, reading it aloud. “I don’t have money, so I don’t ask for much, it would just be a waste of your time. Even with this, I still want you to know that I think you are really sweet the way you always help others and never forget to share compliments to those who catch your eye. I will never forget how kind and funny, you are especially at work. The way you run your fingers through your hair unconsciously, how you pout when you think, the way you can glide across the dance floor with drinks without spilling anything. You disappear behind the bar with the cutest laugh and I am completely in love with you.”

“You have an admirer,” Hoseok looked over his shoulder at the letter before asking, “I wonder who it is?”

“I am not sure who it could be?” Jimin frowned, taking the box into a spare room filled with gifts. “They seem really nice”

Once the letter was placed carefully in the room, Jimin stepped out and decided to get dressed for the night. He paused in the doorway walking back and taking the earrings. “Even though they are cheap I think I should at least wear them.”

The two got changed and Jimin posed, “take a picture of me looking over my shoulder, so I can post a picture of the earrings on my Insta”

Hoseok picked up his phone and stepped behind Jimin, ready to take the picture of Jimin’s bare shoulder, earring, and side profile. He stopped when his phone came up with the stupid storage message.

Storage full!

You can free up space on this phone by managing your storage in settings.

“I can’t take a picture,” Hoseok sighed. “My phone storage is full”

“It’s okay, I should put on a bit of makeup to make the picture really pretty. While I do that, use my computer to plug it in and delete stuff. You can save the rest onto a USB, which you will find in the top draw. The USBs should be empty.

Hoseok watched Jimin stroll into the bathroom and thought he might as well take care of this storage issue on the phone. Plugging the device in, Hoseok began going through and deleting memes and stupid screenshots he no longer needed. He went through saving many photos of you, and videos the two of you shared together.

That's when he came across the picture of the two of you dressed in your black light outfits. Both of you looking happy together in the mirror. Hoseok saved the photo to the USB. The next was a blurry picture on the dance floor, he didn’t need that.

Deleting a range of blurred photos, Hoseok kept swiping through them until he came across a video of you and Hoseok walking home. He heard you giggling and unconsciously smiled. He honestly was so in love with you.

There were a few more blurred videos and then there was a video of you two laying in Hoseok’s bed. His heart started to race as he watched you lean down and kiss him in the video. Hoseok couldn’t remember any of this.

The next video was of you removing your dress but it continued, sometimes the phone was just left on the bed face down, at other points, it was lifted and Hoseok heard himself talking as he pointed the camera at you underneath him. “I love you.” He had filmed you while you two were having sex, “I love being inside of you too.”

Hoseok felt a little guilty, while you two were drunk he took a video of you both, not only that but he felt as if he took advantage of you. The next video was taken from behind and Hoseok felt ashamed of himself for the stirring in his pants. 

“Are you watching porn?” Jimin laughed from the next room, confused as Hoseok switched to the next video. The two of you were cuddling on your side, Hoseok being the big spoon. 

Hoseok's face fell. What had he just watched? His head was reeling with so many thoughts that he couldn’t process them fast enough. He understood that it was you in the video, and you were with him. It was that night. Were you his dream girl? “I slept with Y/n?” He blurted and like being hit with a truck he came to a shocking revelation. Hoseok shot to his feet and spoke out loud hoping it would help him make sense of the situation, “Am I, I think, I might be the father?”

“Oh, Finally!” Jimin shouted, his voice carrying into the office. “I have been waiting for you to figure it all out”

“What do you mean?” Hoseok said his stomach was feeling sick, he didn’t know if he wanted to vomit or cry. The betrayal setting in, “How did you know? DID SHE KNOW?”

Jimin stepped into the room, his lips pressed together in a thin line, with a look of pity on his face confirming Hoseok's suspicion. Hoseok got up, his eyes flashing around the room in a panic. He pushed past Jimin and grabbed the old set of keys from the countertop. Hoseok escaped and drove fast. He didn’t have a destination in mind but after a few minutes of driving he ended up at a park by Han River.

Shutting off the engine, Hoseok let his hands fall from the wheel, his head resting back against the seat, letting out a loud guttural shout. He let the tears fall freely as his sobs racked his body, every breath catching in his throat as if he was choking. 

Hoseok wanted to scream, he wanted answers. They all knew. You knew. He thought he was your best friend, someone he trusted with all his secrets, and yet you kept something this big from him. The sick feeling in his stomach grew as did his anger and frustration with the situation.

How long were you going to keep this from him? When the baby was born? When the child was eighteen? Never? He had a right to know but all he wanted to know was why. 

He left the vehicle, his phone ringing with your number but he turned it off. He walked to the nearest bar somewhere dark and quiet and he drank until he couldn’t see his hands. 

“Hey mate you have to go, come on get up.” The bartender said, nudging him with an exaggerated sigh, “Mate can I call someone to come get you?”

“No one, my best friend is a liar, she is pregnant and didn’t even tell me it is my child,” Hoseok mumbled into the table. The bartender sighed again reaching into his pocket, “Who do you want me to call mate?”

“No need to call, I will go,” he said, pulling out his keys only to have them snatched from his hand. Hoseok turned to see Yoongi grabbing Hoseok’s things and thanking the bartender. “What do you want?”

“I got a distressed call from Y/n she is hysterical, I have checked in every bar and searched the nearby streets for Jimin’s old van. Yoongi threw the keys to Jimin who was waiting by the abandoned van and Yoongi scooped Hoseok inside.

Hoseok woke as Yoongi turned the key in the ignition they were headed for his home, but Hoseok had other plans. “You knew didn’t you?” Hoseok growled, “Take me to her."

“Not in this state?” Yoongi said definitely. “You are going to sober up, and then tomorrow you can speak with her.”

“You take me there right now, or I will get out of this car and go there myself!” Hoseok demanded, attempting to remove his seatbelt.

“Alright, alright sit down, I will take you to see her, but if you raise your voice at her I will knock you out and drag you back to your apartment." Yoongi turned to Hoseok with a menacing glare. "Do you understand?”

He nodded needing answers and he wasn't going to stop until you gave them to him. They pulled up outside your home and as he walked to the door he felt as if his legs were weak, ready to give way. He knocked with shaking hands.

He didn’t have to wait long for you to pull open the door eyes pink and swollen from your own tears.

"Hobi, I-" 

"Please don’t talk, you had your chance. This whole time, and you didn’t… You didn’t tell me, little darling.” His voice cracked as he held up a hand to stop you, “it’s my turn to talk, you can listen to me.”

He watched you wipe the tears away, he wanted to comfort you, you were his closest friend. He loved you so much and couldn’t bear to see you upset. “You knew we had sex, you knew what we did and you hid that from me, you fell pregnant and you hid that from me?”

“I told you when I lost my virginity, I told you when I scratched my dad’s car, I told you when I took money from my fathers wallet, or when I stole your homework. I told you when I was moving from home, I told you everything good and bad.” Hoseok pulled out the phone and played the video, the sounds of you two together filling the air. “But you couldn’t tell me, your best friend, that we did this? That I might be the father of this baby?”

“Hobi, I wanted to tell you I was-” Your tears were relentless and it looked like the weight of the world was crushing you with guilt. You looked lost, he knew there must be so much you wanted to say and explain but the words escaped you. All you could think to do was apologize, like some sort of animatronic doll with one function.

“Wanted to tell me isn’t telling me,” he frowned. “Say it, is this baby mine?”

“Yes, you are the father?” You whimpered, holding your stomach. Hoseok didn’t feel better. He didn’t feel better confronting you or getting the truth. He didn’t feel better watching you cry. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. You are all I have Hobi, and I love you.”

“I thought I loved you too. I thought I really truly loved you, that even though I wasn’t the father, I would step in if I could. It turns out the woman I fell in love with is nothing but a liar.” Hoseok turned away unable to see your face contort in pain from the words he was saying, “I am disappointed in you. You said you wanted to grow up, but this is so immature”

Demanding to leave, Yoongi took Hoseok and headed to the van once more, hoping that the two of you could rebuild your relationship. It was painfully obvious that you both were painfully in love, so much so, that it was breaking your hearts more to fight with one another, than over whatever the fight was about.

You had spent the rest of the night crying until pure exhaustion took over your body and you fell asleep. No matter how many times you texted or called you got no response. You had left almost fifteen voicemails before you became too hysterical to speak. You were emotional and trying your hardest not to break down long enough for you to think things through. 

It took four days and sitting in the bottom of the shower for ten minutes before you came to a decision. Even before Hoseok knew he was the father, you had planned to do it on your own. You weren't weak and you knew for certain that you would be okay. You had planned to raise this child as a single mother, you had hoped to tell Hoseok before all this happened, but you had planned for it just in case something like this did happen.

You could do this without Hoseok, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt, that you weren't mourning the relationship you had lost. You picked yourself up and put on a brave face crying only when you were alone as you single-handedly funded Ben and Jerry's company with the amount of ice cream you consumed.

You arrived at the next prenatal appointment. You watched all the couples cooing at their bellies and the little sonogram photos, as you sat alone quietly rubbing your belly and thinking how much you loved this child.

It strengthened your bond between you and your baby. You were working hard at your job, not ready to go on maternity leave as you didn’t know how financially stable you would be. You also worried because, without the distractions of work, you realized how alone you truly were and how much you missed Hoseok.

You wanted nothing more than to go back in time and take it all back. You wanted to get the courage and tell him. You would give anything to wake up beside him the morning after and just let yourselves deal with the aftermath.

Your mother's words echoed in your head, only able to be drowned out by the sound of your baby's heartbeat through the doppler, as the ultrasound technician measured your sweet little baby girl.

She had done no wrong and deserved only good things. It was on your way home from the scan that you decided to enter the baby boutique. You knew you were filling a Hoseok shaped void in your chest but you didn’t care, purchasing clothes, socks and shoes, and a tiny beanie all in mint green, white, or grey. At the checkout, you saw a small personal travel doppler for eighty dollars. It wasn’t as strong or as reliable as the one at the clinic but you bought it anyway. 

It was the first thing you did when you got home, you put the gel on your stomach and pressed the doppler to your tummy, and listened to the tiny heartbeat and the swishing of the umbilical cord. The tears didn’t stop and that heartbeat in your belly was the mantra to which you swore to live your new life.

You were no longer living for yourself, you were living for your daughter, whom you loved so dearly. You stopped looking for Hoseok through the seventh and moved into the eighth month of your pregnancy feeling semi-okay.

Called by the marketing director to meet with the client, you followed him with documents, “Why did you pick me?” you asked

“You are the only one fit for this job,” He said, which made you feel odd, surely the pregnant lady wasn’t the first choice. However, you obeyed his orders, grabbed your coat, and followed to the restaurant where you were met with an unbelievable sight. 

There was Hoseok standing by a beautiful woman dressed in a suit. Not only was it a punch to the chest, but it also left you self-conscious, resembling a chocolate egg. The way your body was so rotund did not do wonders for one's self-esteem.

Hoseok didn’t notice you until you stepped up to the table, your director announcing your arrival and greeting the young woman with a kiss on each cheek. “This is my hardest working assistant Miss Y/n,” The director said and you wondered again why he had chosen you to accompany him to the meeting.

“Well let’s get to business” the client smiled. You sat at the table and they brought out menus. “I will have the salmon en papillote, with a nice chardonnay.” 

“I will have the same,” the marketing director said, attempting to look cool but you weren’t so sure.

“We will have the Steak au Poivre, I will take medium rare and she will have hers well done. What is in the side salad?” Hoseok asked and you looked up over the menu shocked by his audacity.

“We use a mesclun mix for its various colors and textures, with Lebanese cucumbers and avocado for a fresh and creamy taste and a drizzle of classic french vinaigrette” the waiter smiled politely. 

“Skip the salads and instead vegetables would be preferable for both.” Hoseok closed the menu and looked up, the waiter looked at you for confirmation and you nodded handing over the menu.

“Have you two met before?” The client asked curiously and Hoseok shook his head, “It’s just you ordered for her?”

“She is pregnant so the best meat option is beef well cooked, and the salad would most likely make her sick due to the acidity in the vinaigrette.” Hoseok continued,  “the vegetables, though plain, will be easier to handle and will benefit her better than a salad. It is something I learned in a birthing class once”

“Yeah, and you haven’t been back since.” You scoffed, drinking your water trying to calm yourself so you didn’t explode with anger.

“I didn’t think I had to, seeing as I am not the father of any children.” He said dryly back and you stood up throwing the napkin at him, tears welling up in your eyes. You didn’t care if he didn’t like you and refused to acknowledge your presence ever again, but saying that about your child was not okay.

“You take that back, Hoseok." You almost shouted but restrained yourself due to the setting, Hoseok didn’t appear to move and you tilted your head back and took a shaky breath. “I am sorry, it seems I am feeling ill, allow me to leave first”

You stepped out the door and headed down the road trying to find a cab when a hand grabbed your arm. Disappointed when it turned out to be the marketing director. “I rescheduled our meeting, I am sorry, you had to deal with something like this, it must be stressful being so pregnant”

He touched your belly and you were a little uncomfortable. This man was a little too interested in your pregnancy. At first, you thought he was just a nice boss who was looking out for you, but it was clear he had some strange thoughts running through his mind.

When he said he would drive you home, you told him you had an appointment. Even then he was determined to take you to the appointment, but you waved down a cab and jumped in quickly. You arrived at Jin and Tonic for a much-needed appointment.

“I want a drink” you sighed and Seokjin gave you water and you looked up seriously. I want an actual drink Jin, I am going through the worst year of my life.”

“Worse than the time you tried to become a volunteer at a homeless center, where some weird lady cut chunks out of your hair, so you had to shave it off?"

"Then you got into a fight with Hoseok because he drew an arrow on your head while you were sleeping and everyone called you Aang,” Jimin added as he shed his small jacket, showing off a pretty choker chain necklace with a rose pendant. “Cause you said that was the worst year of your life.”

“This is worse,” you said. “At least I was the one angry at Hobi and I forgave him quickly, now he is angry at me and even denied being the father of our baby. That’s not even the worst of it. My boss has some sort of pregnancy fetish and keeps trying to touch my belly and I am not here for it”

“Pregnancy fetish?”

“It’s not sexy, I am swollen from the neck down, I couldn’t see my feet this morning. I just hope I wore the same shoes. My bladder is so squished I am peeing all the time, I am hormonal and sweaty, and I can’t fit into my favorite pajamas.” The hysterical sobbing was muffled by the bar and it made Jimin giggle behind his hand. He walked around to give you a hug and Jin presented you with an ice cream sundae in an effort to cheer you up.

“Dance with me, pretty lady,” Yoongi said, finishing his drink and taking your hand. He led you to the dance floor where you were slow dancing like you used to. “You are still as pretty as always. Okay, you may not feel beautiful right now due to all those things, but I promise that you are.”

“Thanks, Yoongi.” You tried to get close enough to hug Yoongi but your belly prevented you from doing so, he stepped behind you and wrapped his arms around you slipping his hands under your belly and swaying. He was trying to take some of the weight to relieve some pressure on your back. “You are amazing,”

“I am, aren't I.” He laughed, swaying you softly.

Tags: @brbkpop @take-u-2-an0ther-w0r1d @munchyn @unadulteratedlyunique @jinhitwhore @knjkitten @jooniesdimples70307 @the-snowbear25 @kb-bangtanenthusiast @moments-of-melancholy @levantelux @theadorkablezaza @crustycaitlin @verasays​  @usagiserenity530 @carmxx​ (Please remember to have your tag settings on so you can recieve notifications about updates)

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[thebisexualdogdad]

reader is a patient and Amelia is his doctor and he’s always flirting with her and he tells her all the dirty things he wants to do to her? Like how he wants to spend all day with his head between her thighs and how he wants to worship her? Amelia she can’t because she’s his doctor. when reader is released Amelia is there waiting in her car and she drives him home and she tells him that they can be together now because she’s not his doctor anymore and they have really passionate tender sex?

"When are you going to let me take you out on a date?" You asked Amelia as you laid in your hospital bed, your head wrapped tightly in bandages. 

"Y/N, I'm your doctor I performed surgery on your brain I can't go on a date with you," she responded looking at your post op scans. 

"When I first asked you out you said it was the tumor talking but now the tumors gone and i still want to go out with you so what do you say doc," you smiled. 

"Look Y/N, i like you, you know that but I'm your doctor and this hospital has had enough scandals already as it is," she said patting your shoulder, "now let's talk about your scans and the impecible job i did on your brain."

For the next few months you went to see Amelia as scheduled for check ups after having your tumor removed. 

"The hair's growing back in over the scars, soon I'll have my gorgeous locks again," you teased during your final post op check up.

"You were still handsome even with the bald spot," she chuckled. 

"So you think I'm handsome," you grinned. 

"Y/N…" 

"I know, I know, it's inappropriate you're just so beautiful Amelia I can't take me eyes off of you." 

"In the hospital it's doctor Shepherd," she said. 

"Sorry, doctor Shepherd, so how's my brain looking?" 

"I am giving you a clean bill of health," she said happily, "you can return to work and your regular physical activities." 

"I do miss my regular physical activities," you joked making her laugh, "so I guess this really is the last I'll be seeing you." 

"Looks like it," she said with disappointment in her voice. 

You started to gather your things when Amelia stopped you. 

"My shift ends at 8, there's a bar across the street called Shaw's… meet me there," she told you. 

"Yes ma'am," you smiled. 

That night you arrived at the bar right at 8 and ordered a drink. 

An hour passed with no Amelia and you thought she changed her mind and stood you up. 

You were just about to pay your tab and head home when Amelia took a seat besides you. 

"I am so sorry I'm late, there were some complications in my last surgery," she explained, "whisky neat," she told the bartender. 

"I hope everything is okay," you said. 

"Oh yeah, she was a fighter and I'm a badass so she is recovering nicely in her room," she said proudly. 

She gulped her glass of whisky and finally caught her breath. 

"Why did you ask me here doctor Shepherd?" You asked calmly. 

"I'm not your doctor anymore Y/N, you can call me Amelia," she stated. 

"So what does this mean?" 

"It means that it wouldn't cost me my license if we slept together." 

"Amelia you know i would never do something to affect your career," you told her. 

"I know Y/N but you are no longer my patient so I'm counting this as our date and now it's time for you to take me home." 

Who you were to argue? 

"Your place or mine?" 

"I live with my sister and her three kids so your place," she said finishing her drink and leading you out of the bar. 

Twenty minutes later you're stumbling through your apartment door, Amelia's lips on yours as you shrugged out of your jackets and shoes. 

You bumped into the couch in the process but neither of you cared as you made your way to your bedroom. 

You rid Amelia of her shirt and she laid back on your bed. 

She watched intently as you undid each button of your shirt, revealing more and more skin to her. 

Climbing on top of her you kissed her hard, nipping down her jaw, to her neck and finally her chest. 

Removing her bra you toyed with her breasts for a few moments making her groan. 

Moving down to her hips you tugged her pants and underwear off tossing them to the floor. 

Amelia bit her lip when you spread her legs apart and gently bit the inside of her thighs. 

Her eyes screwed shut when your tongue took the first swipe through her. 

Gathering her arousal on your tongue she mumbled your name as you explored her. 

Her hands tangled in your hair when you sucked her clit between your lips and she let out a moan loud enough for your neighbors to hear. 

Arching her back off the bed you took the opportunity to slip two fingers into her. 

Amelia rolled her hips as your tongue swirled around her clit and your fingers curled to hit her g spot. 

"Oh fuck, oh fuck," she grunted as your tongue flicked faster and your fingers pumped faster. 

Her thighs shook as she tipped over the edge, her climax coating the fingers inside her with some spilling out onto your tongue. 

When her body calmed you withdrew your fingers and popped them in your mouth to clean them off. 

"You taste just as good as i thought you would," you grinned. 

"Get up here," Amelia muttered out of breath so you kissed back up her sensitive body until you reached her lips. 

Amelia sighed in annoyance when you pulled away to grab a condom from your nightstand but when you put it on she took you by surprise flipping you over so she was sitting on your waist. 

"I hope you don't mind...I like to be on top," she smirked. 

"I would never object to this view," you said putting your hands on her hips and admiring Amelia in all her beauty. 

She lifted up, taking hold of your hard cock and lowered herself down onto it. 

You both moaned as you entered her fully, Amelia planting her hands firmly on your chest as she began to rock her hips slowly to adjust. 

When she was ready she started to bounce and you groaned at the sight of your cock disappearing inside her. 

All that you could hear was the sound of her thighs slapping against yours and the both of you panting heavily. 

You reached a hand up, squeezing her breast and feeling her peaked nipple in your palm, your other hand groping her ass. 

Amelia was coming close to her second climax so you jolted your hips into the air hitting deeper bringing her even closer. 

With just a few minutes of roughly sastifying thrusts Amelia was cumming harder than she did the first time and her entire body spasmed on top of you. 

Seeing wave after wave of pleasure crash over her was enough to make you cum shortly after. 

Amelia raised her lower half off your cock, falling over next to you on the mattress. 

You took the condom off and threw it in the trash can next to your bed. 

"That was the best sex I've had in a year," Amelia chuckled. 

"Well if you join me in the shower it doesn't have to be over yet," you smirked. 

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 4

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 4: Drunken Heroes

After all her damned talk of avoiding booze forever, here she was, taking her whole crew to get wasted at a bar.

To give herself credit, this was 100% about letting her friends blow off steam before they headed to Virmire, not about her. She didn't even have any plans to drink, just play babysitter and have some fun with them. After all they'd done for the mission, they deserved some shore leave.

Anya almost wished she could be as hyped as Ash was. The soldier kept talking about how she was itching for a good Citadel blue cocktail mixed with classic Russian Vodka. Kept on saying she'd call it "The Shepard".

She stuck back, watching Ash drag Tali, Ash, Joker, Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus to the bartender. The only one left was her favorite cranky Krogan, an old man among youths. But he already knew that without her pointing that out. He chuckled low next to her, "You look like a mother Varren with her pups."

"What, do I look like I'm gonna eat them?"

Wrex grumbled with distaste, but Anya felt pretty satisfied, annoying him. "Varren are dedicated to their young. And so are you, Mother Shepard."

Anya nearly gagged at the thought. Her, a mom? Hardly. She was just a pathetic lonely soldier who had friends for the first time in a long time. A hard mission does that to people; it bonds them. "I'd prefer you never call me that again."

"No promises."

"What do you even do at a bar?"

While Wrex barely reacted, she knew his was peering at her with confusion. "I drink, just like everyone else."

"I can't picture it."

"Well if you need a picture, I'll be over there, drinking ryncol. I'll tell the waitress you're buying." Wrex patted her back and walked off without any confirmation.

Under her breath, Anya grumbled, "I mean, I am buying, but you could've asked..." She just shook her head and accepted the inordinate amount of credits she was about to lose on that tab. But at least, when she turned to look back at the bar, her entire crew seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ash was being the leader of the pack. Liara was sticking closing, admiring the entertainment, and Tali looked like she was roped into being her wingman.

Garrus, of course, was the one in some sort of arm wrestle with Kaidan while Joker egged them on. Who knew what the hell that was about.

Shepard just nabbed a glass of water and joined Liara in watching Ash try to flirt with guys and/or flirt with them for Tali, who seemed far less interested. She noticed T'Soni stiffened up a little the second she sat down, but she tried to ignore it. "Everyone looks like they're having a good time, huh?"

"Absolutely. I've never seen Gunnery Chief Willaims so loud. Not outside of a firefight, at least."

Though she didn't mean to, every time she sat down next to her crew, she turned full Commander mode. And Liara's somber mood was a prime target. "I know you said you were doing better, but how are you really holding up?"

Staring down at her glass, Liara kept on looking at the liquid in it like it would say something profound to her. Anya remembered that look; probably a little too well. "Worse than I expected. Benezia and I weren't close for a long time. I knew losing her would be hard but not like... this. I feel like a fundamental part of me is now being washed away a little more every day and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

Anya normally wasn't one for opening up deep, old wounds, but she couldn't just let Liara sit there, haunted and alone, on their last night of peace before the storm. She was very deliberate in putting her palm gently on Liara's shoulder and not her hand. "After Akuze, I used to have a drinking problem. Or lack of drinking problem. I'd used to come here, buy the drink my squad used to always get, and stared down into it until the bar was empty and I was kicked out. It was like I was trying to find meaning to fill that empty space in me. But nothing really fills it. You just find other things that give you meaning and eventually they motivate you more than the emptiness does."

Before Shepard could react, Liara put her own hand on hers and was giving her this sweet smile. "Thank you, Shepard."

Anya pulled her hand away and scooted an inch or two back, trying to diffuse any cute moment Liara might've thought they were having. "I'm here to help anytime. That's what friends do."

After she said that, Anya didn't want to look up and cringe at the disappointment painted on Liara's face. It already fucked her up inside. But when she did finally look up, she felt a lot more weird feelings than she meant to.

Sure, there was Liara's conflicted face, but past her ear Anya could see the boy band of Joker, Garrus, and Kaidan sitting around a table and laughing. Well, they were, but then a female turian walked up and looked at Garrus like he was a snack.

Not that she fully disagreed but that wasn't the damn point.

While she didn't mean to go comatose, and she was pretty sure Liara might've said something, she felt like everything blacked out except him. And he was doing that awkward smiling thing, and she could tell he was flustered, and she could tell the turian was hitting on him. And where the bro in her was happy for him, that fucked up part of her that woke itself up on a Noveria bar had its eyes wide open and was screaming.

Before she could make any expressions that made her make a fool of herself, and so she didn't have to look at it anymore, Anya went to staring down into the glass of water in front of her.

"By the goddess, how did I not notice?"

Shepard shook her head and gave Liara her best clueless look. Oh boy, how she didn't want her to be noticing what she thought she might have noticed. ANya asked, "Notice what?"

Even though there was this sadness in her eyes, there was also clarity. Liara said it so plainly that it hurt, "You have feelings for Garrus."

Anya covered Liara's mouth with her hand and closed her eyes, like if she wished it hard enough she'd wake up and this nightmare would be over and no one would know her dumb, dirty little secret. "No, nope, I don't. You saw nothing."

"And your cheeks are even getting red. I never-"

Giving up, because clearly her cover-up skills were piss poor, Shepard just held her hands and tried not to look too desperate. It was embarrassing enough. "Please don't talk about it. He doesn't feel the same way and it doesn't matter. You're all my friends and we're on a mission and that's what we need to focus on."

Liara frowned, but didn't seem too keen to pry. "I won't make you talk more, mostly because I feel embarrassed for chasing after you now, but if you need to talk, I'm here."

If Anya was in peak Commander mode, she'd stay shut up, let it end at that, but after so much time keeping it to herself and feeling so frustrated, and now seeing him get looked at like that by some attractive turian... Well, maybe she'd be better off not keeping it inside. "He's my best friend, Liara. It complicates everything."

"Clearly people think that complication is worth it. And here I was, hoping it was me."

"I'm sorry, Liara."

"It matters more to me that you stay my friend."

Of all the stupid things tonight, that made her smile. Even under all the "getting caught looking at Garrus" embarrassment. "That's what matters to me, too. And not just with you, with him."

"I can understand that."

Anya winced and kept her eyes down, not wanting to look at Garrus, knowing he probably was flirting back. He had every right and... And, well, it wasn't like he owed her anything. They said it didn't happen, she was just a squishy human, and they'd just stay friends, right? "So, I'd just prefer we talk about other things to distact me from saying anything dumb about Garrus Vakarian-"

"Somebody saying my name?"

Startled, Anya jumped in her chair and almost fell off. Liara started giggling like the funniest shit just happened, but hearing him pop up behind he was so unfair. More unfair was the fact she noticed his hand was holding her chair straight. Anya just sunk down into it, real low, and tried to hope that Saren would take her down with him. At least it was an honorable death.

Lucky for Shepard, Liara winked at her and saved her ass. "We were wondering who won the arm wrestling, you or Lieutenant Alenko. The Commander was betting on you, even though I said Kaidan would win."

"You wound me, Liara."

Trying to act casual, Anya raised an eyebrow. "So who won, then?"

Garrus scratched the back of his neck and admitted, "Okay, fine, Alenko won. But only because he's a dirty cheat and used biotics."

She didn't know what it was about his wounded pride, but it helped unwind all the knots she'd put herself in. Anya patted his shoulder, saying, "Don't worry, you're still my number one turian."

"He's not a turian and I'm your only turian. That statement means nothing, but sure, thanks, Shep."

Watching him scowl at her, like nothing was weird or wrong, it made her laugh in a way that vibrated throughout her entire body. But maybe she also didn't want to admit how much it warmed her up, knowing he turned the flirting turian down and came over here to her.

After she got out her nerves and laughed like that, the rest of the night was a fun blur. The crew started sharing embarrassing stories of first kisses and first posts, and they all danced and Tali made fun of her for being terrible. Garrus was the only one who gave her a wink during that, because he knew her actual skills. Not like she was going to tondue at a club, though. And then later they even got Wrex to join in on an argument on who had the wildest battle scars. No surprise, the Krogan won. But Joker's surgery scars almost gave him a run for his money.

That night, she was the one helping carry Ash back to the Normandy while everyone else was walking or stumbling in front of them. Everyone enjoyed themselves, but Ash was definitely the one that hit the booze the hardest.

But Anya didn't mind too much. She saw how Ash made everyone smile and brought them together. The spitfire would be a great leader someday, once she got more experience under her belt.

Leaning into her shoulder, the Gunnery Chief started to mumble. "We're going to save the galaxy, Shep. I'll get to be a hero. The Williams name is gonna go down in history for great reasons this time."

Anya held onto Ash's side, tight, and said, "You're going to be a great hero, Ash. Probably a better one than me. You don't have the baggage weighing you down."

When Ash laughed, it bubbled through her body and almost shoved them too close to the railing. Garrus gave her a look, like asking if she wanted help, but Anya shook her head. She and captain realism didn't need to burst Ash's hopefulness here. It was honestly kind of nice to hear someone talk about the future like this. Ash wasn't thinking about dying; just about the good she'd do.

How could Anya not admire that?

"I'm gonna have a tough time beating you, Shep, but I'll do my best."

"You better. Second human Spectre, Ashely Williams, Sounds good, right?"

Ash was still so wobbly. Anya wasn't quite sure she'd remember any of this in the morning. That only made it so much easier to compliment her. "Don't get crazy, Commander." She rolled her eyes in a very exaggerated way, but then hiccuped so hard some of her hair fell out of her bun. "But yeah, it kinda does sound good."

"Well, let's get back on the Normandy and make you a hero, Ash." When she finished carrying Ash onto the ship, she kept on seeing the drunk cadet she used to be, laughing with her friends anytime they got shore leave, all swapping stories on how they'd become heroes. None of them would've ever guessed Anya'd get it because they all died. She'd gained honor in an awful, horrible way. But she hoped Ash could become someone great by her side, instead.

That was one of the few things she'd enjoy seeing, at the end of all this.

///

Author's Note:

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my work, please go check out my patreon: patreon.com/gracejordan

I also write original stories and am trying to build a community of fandom lovers on writing sites, in Discord, and (in the future) on Twitch :) any help is appreciated

[bluehhj]

listen to me — chapter 42

LISTEN TO ME — 0042

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 1.6K

Seungmin barely waited for Chaerin to park the car on the side of the road, and sped off. The Canadian also wasted no time and tried to call the ambulance as she descended the slippery ravine. The wet soil made her sneakers sink and made the task of getting to the scene of the accident even more complicated, but the adrenaline that ran through her veins made her able to get through all the obstacles and set the location for rescuers at the same time.

The lack of lighting also made a lot of things difficult. One of Jisung's car headlights was still on, but the pale yellow light was pointing in the wrong direction. Seungmin turned on the flashlight on his phone and didn't have to think about deciding who should try to help first, and even though he had attended several surgeries at the hospital and witnessed things considered traumatic for many people, he swallowed as he looked at Jinah.

The front window was shattered, and the driver's side door was so damaged that just one pull was enough to make it pop out. Seungmin was puzzled that only the passenger-side airbag was deployed, after all, it was a current car model and was supposed to work properly. His attention, however, wasn't on that detail for more than a few seconds, and then his fingers touched Jinah's bloody neck for some pulse. Seungmin closed his eyes.

On the other side, Chaerin had a little more trouble touching Jisung, since the other door was firmly in place and she had no choice but to finish breaking the already cracked glass. Kwon tried to raise the lock, but it didn't move. She eventually gave up on it when she heard Jisung moan in pain and struggled to punch the airbag away and allow Han to breathe better. His forehead was bruised and there was an ugly cut on his left shoulder which was bleeding considerably, but nothing too serious seemed to have happened to him.

Chaerin took off her sweatshirt, wearing only a white shirt, and folded the fabric vertically to stop the bleeding on Jisung's shoulder. The boy, who was, obviously, stunned, tried to dodge the painful pressure, but Kwon didn't pull away.

"Calm down, it's going to be worse if you move," Chaerin said, squandering a calm she didn't even feel inside. It was the first time she had been helping anyone under those conditions, she wasn't used to so much blood. "There's already an ambulance coming, it'll be fine."

"Don't let him sleep, Chae," warned Seungmin, focused on doing what he could for Jinah, even though his resources were scarce. "It appears to have been a concussion, his blood pressure must remain high so that there is no coagulation or lack of chemicals in the plasma."

"I didn't understand anything you said last, but okay."

It was as if Jisung's head could explode. Even though the pain bothered him, the feeling of helplessness and lack of processing in his mind was a thousand times worse. He had no idea how and why Chaerin and Seungmin were there, nor was he aware of the way the oak slanted after the crash. The only thing Jisung really cared about was Jinah and her snow-white blouse was getting more and more dirty with red.

"J-JinJin..." his right hand touched his girlfriend's arm, but she didn't move. The tears were already running free and salty down Han's face. "No, please, no. You c-can't leave me alone."

"She'll be fine, don't worry" Seungmin lied and forced a weak smile. His hands were soaked with blood that wasn't his own, which made the scene somewhat ironic in the eyes of anyone who could see. Anyone but Jisung, who was so bewildered, that he wanted to hold on to any hope, so he believed Kim's words very strongly.

Han's eyes weighed and he closed them for a moment. Half of his conscience wanted to stay active, but the other half was slowly getting lost. Realizing this, Chaerin fussed with his hair, warning him.

"You can't sleep now, Jisung. C'mon, talk to me about anything, just don't sleep."

"My shoulder hurts."

"I know."

"Then stop squeezing it, damn it."

"I can't," lamented Chaerin. "Blood is still coming out."

"Where the hell is this ambulance?" muttered Seungmin, almost sounding pained. Kwon watched Jisung's sleepy state and, before messing with him again, muttered to Kim:

"On a scale from zero to ten... How much?"

Seungmin met her gaze and knew she was referring to Jinah. Sighing softly, he answered using the same minute intonation: "Two. Maybe three."

"Two what?" Jisung wanted to know.

"Two ambulances" Chaerin brightened when she heard the sirens. The red and blue lights began to glow in the distance. There was little left. "Hold on."

Please.

                                          ♡˖°

Jade never thought she could cry watching Toy Story 4.

The purpose of going to the movies was to cheer her up and make her think of nice things that didn't involve her ex-boyfriend — it was so hard to talk like this about Changbin! —, but, when they settled into the soft chairs of the dark room, the american ended up comparing the company of friends to Seo's company and came to the conclusion that eating popcorn without having someone hugging her or stroking her hair was horrible! Not even Chan's affection, Felix's jokes, and the many candies Hyunjin put in her mouth filled Changbin's lack in her life. In short, Jade had red eyes when the credits started to rise. Maybe the snacks they ate at the diner, right after the movie, were the only really good part of the night, but, otherwise, she just wanted her bed and her therapeutic pillow.

"At least you smiled about six times," said Felix, trying to be optimistic. The quartet was standing on the sidewalk of the building where Kang lived. Hyunjin was the driver of the time and still had to take Felix home, but got out of the car anyway to wait for Yoorim, who should have stayed around after Changbin had left. "It's a significant value compared to the rest of the week, right?"

"Right," the corners of Jade's lips merely lifted. After all, she was happy for her friends' attempts. "Thanks for putting up with me."

"You put up with all my existential crises, nothing fairer," said Chan. "And thanks for the ride, Hyunjin."

"I'll charge you next time, just letting you know," Hwang joked, drawing a chuckle from the two boys and one more minimal smile from Jade. His attention was directed to Woojin as he approached the group, alone. Hyunjin, therefore, said, "I thought Yoorim was with you."

"She went home shortly after Jinah left" the elder one shrugged. "Said she had a headache."

"That's weird, she didn't even text me."

"I thought it was kind of weird too, but it's Yoorim. We get it."

The ringing of Jade's phone was the next thing to hear. She fumbled in her pants pockets and picked up the vibrating device. A frown appeared on her forehead as she read the contact's name.

"Why is Chaerin calling me?" she asked rhetorically and answered. "Hello?"

Woojin observed her reactions. From confused, Jade turned unreadable as Chaerin told her something on the other end of the line, then, turned pale as a sheet of paper. Jieun parted her lips and they trembled, her restless eyes starting to water.

"W-where?" she stammered in a small voice and, after a few seconds, muttered a 'thank you' and ended the call.

"What happened?" Chan asked, startled by her mood swings.

"Hospital," Jade gasped, not knowing what to do with her hands, or the words they wanted to run over each other. "Jinah. Jisung. Accident"

"What?!" Hyunjin practically screamed and was driven by the urge to run back to the silver pickup truck. Woojin forced himself not to be robbed by the trance state that came with the news shock and was the first to accompany him, followed by Felix. Chan had to pull Jade into the remaining seats, and then the tires sang down the street, marking only the most turbulent night of their lives.

                                                  ♡˖°

It was as if Chan was anesthetized.

Most people's biggest mistake is thinking that similar tragedies happen only to others, never to themselves or anyone close to them. When proven otherwise, ecstasy comes in much greater and devastating proportions. It's as if the floor is opening and an infinite void is ready to swallow the rubble, and as much as you blink your eyes and want to wake up, it's not a nightmare. It is real, solid as a stone.

Chan began to shiver when he saw Chaerin and Seungmin at the hospital reception. They paced, restlessly, and if until then he was having trouble believing what had happened, he had only to look through the couple's bloody clothes to have his last proof. Without even asking anything, Chan cried. It was stronger than him, much stronger.

"How are they?" Hyunjin asked, his voice screaming urgency. Jinah had become someone very special in his life, but, above her, came Jisung, his childhood friend, his confidant, his mate, his little brother. Hyunjin didn't want to lose him. He didn't want to lose them both.

"We haven't had any news yet," Chaerin replied.

"But you two were with them before help came! You're a doctor, Seungmin! Of course you know!"

"Jisung will be fine," the younger Kim said slowly, contrasting with Hwang's obvious agony. It was no cold matter, Seungmin was simply being trained to remain calm at times when the collective will consisted of throwing everything into the air.

"And Jinah?" Jade asked.

"As Chaerin said, we haven't had any news yet. She's having surgery now, but..."

"But?" in the face of others hesitation, Woojin encouraged.

"... But I'm so sorry."

a/n: you guys can interpret this last sentence as you wish hehe i'm laughing but i'll just leave it to you guys to create your own theories

i’ll be back soon, byebye <3

[boarix]

Wraith in the Ruins: A Fallout 4 Story Part VII

Well, I Guess We’re Blood Brothers Now…

Trigger warnings: canon violence/language/gun, alcohol & drug use. Drug overdose. Suggestive/mature content.

Game spoilers!

Bloody Mess warning!

Please enjoy!

  After spending weeks supervising the transport of reconstruction resources between Minutemen settlements, Diamond City and Goodneighbor, Wraith had finally come home to Sanctuary. She had sent MacCready back well ahead of her, in part so his students would actually have him as an instructor.

The derelict warehouses that had previously been home to the Triggermen, were now apartments and offices. The Minutemen and the Railroad (although the latter in secret) were both allotted space and Wraith was happy to have a pad of her own in Goodneighbor.

Hancock had dropped hints that he wanted her to stay with him but she had felt guilty, what with MacCready there. She had the sneaking suspicion that Hancock would have liked both of them to share his temporary home at the Rexford, but Wraith wasn’t ready for that yet. She had an especially rough time controlling “certain feelings” when a shirtless, sweaty and slightly dirty MacCready had helped Hancock carry lumber right past her. The two were grunting with exertion…

Whew! I need to be anyplace else right now! Where is an ice-bucket when you need one!

She didn’t even lie to herself about sending MacCready back to Sanctuary and herself to “anyplace other than Goodneighbor”; the reconstruction of Goodneighbor was her priority and not love triangles.

 After taking a few meetings and a shower, an exhausted Wraith finally flopped onto her bed. Sleep was forever elusive however, and made even more difficult by unsatisfied desires. Masturbation wasn’t something that Wraith even considered normally as she found herself wholly unappealing and couldn’t bring herself to arousal by her own touch. She made an attempt to recall the sensations she felt when MacCready had her pinned to the wall: the way his body, warm and firm, had felt under her hands. His breathless moans… Or the feeling of Hancock’s body pressed against her own… his mouth on hers… the way he tasted and smelled like mint and gun oil and….

“Hey Boss Lady, you in there?” MacCready’s knock made her jump guiltily off of the bed and without thinking she opened her door.  

Her attire consisted of a towel draped around her shoulders and underwear.

MacCready’s eyes grew wide and he blushed, “Uh… um… I was… I want…”

Thankful that the towel covered her breasts, Wraith decided to pretend she was perfectly fine with her predicament, “Yeah? What’s up Mac? Something you needed?”

“I um… Is that men’s underwear?”

“What’s the difference?”

“I guess nothing but um… OKAY!” Shaking his head to gather his thoughts MacCready did his best to continue, “Would you like to come and eat with me? With clothes on?”

“This one of those ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’ kinda deals?”

“Wha…”

 Wraith didn’t realize how hungry she had been and MacCready laughed at the way she tore into her food, “Jeez! Are you even chewing? You’re going to choke!”

“Bobby Joe I swear…”

“GAAHHHAAAA! DO NOT CALL ME THAT!”

“No? How ‘bout Big Mac? Mac N’ Cheese? Mac A Roni? Mighty Mac? Mac A Roon? Mac N’ Tosh?”

MacCready was laughing and he flipped mashed carrots at her, “Stop it! You’re ridiculous!”

“I’ll just start calling you ‘The Creedster’.”

“Mungo!”

“You are!” It had been a while since the two of them played like this and Wraith was thoroughly enjoying herself.

“Ugh, I know!”

 After their meal they went and sat on a bench down by the mill. The sun had set and the air was warm and full of the sounds of water cascading to the mill’s wheel. It was a nice moment of rare peace and Wraith sighed in contentment.

“Yeah, you’re right that is the single most impressive mill ever built anywhere.”

Chuckling, Wraith inched closer to him and leaned into his shoulder. To her surprise he stiffened and then abruptly stood up.

“Well, I have an early start tomorrow and so I’m going to go to bed. Goodnight!”  

Running after him would be stupid. What would I even say? “Oh, Mac it’s cool; stuff your feelings for me in a bag and toss em in the river so we can pretend to just be friends.” Or “I’m in the need for some cuddling so let me introduce you to my good friend Mr. Blue-Balls.” I need to have some sort of conversation with both of them… that’s somehow not awkward… UGH!

She sat on the bench, spinning monolog in her head to well past midnight. At some point Dogmeat had joined her and was sprawled across her lap. Although the temperature had become quite cool, his warm presence had enabled her to remain trapped in her mind, endlessly creating and dismissing conversations between she and the two men.

She was so lost in thought she didn’t feel Danse’s approach and jumped a little as the big man came into her peripheral, “Jeez Danse, you startled me!”

“You must be losing your edge if I’m able to sneak up you.”

Wraith chuckled at his gentle ribbing and it turned into a full laugh when she realized that he had Panther draped across his shoulders like a fur stole, “Is that new? It’s very fashionable.”

As Danse dragged his knuckles gently across the top of its head, Panther flexed its great front paws and kneaded the air, chuffing happily. “This is definitely new. He asked to be picked up and it just sort of happened.” Danse had rarely looked happier.

“Well it suits you and I hear black is all the rage these days.” Wraith yawned and she could see the look of concern that crossed his face.

“Have you been out here all night?” As she shrugged noncommittally his tone changed to scolding, “General, your health is important. Whatever is bothering you… I’m not the best at that sort of thing… Maybe Curie…”

“I can’t believe you are back already. Time flies huh? Why aren’t you sleeping?” Wraith was more than happy to flip his argument back at him.

“We got back a couple of hours ago and I had to shower. Curie told me I smelled like the inside of a rotten yao guai. I shudder to think why she would know how that smells.” Danse looked insecure and he shifted his weight, “I tried to go to sleep after but, she…. I…”

“Hmmm. Thinking about Curie thinking about you?”

Danse gave her a panicked look, “Is it that obvious?!”  

Wraith patted the bench next to her. It groaned when he sat down and she wondered at how over encumbered it must have been with the four of them, “Okay Capn’ Danse, tell me everything.”

 In the end Wraith admitted that she had no real advice to give him in matters of love but hearing ones thoughts out loud and having another person as a sounding-board couldn’t hurt. “I know that she likes you…”

“I know that she likes me but she likes most everyone. She even likes MacCready!”

“Ha! Perish the thought!”

“I understand his skill but I honestly don’t know how you put up with him.”

“We can’t help who we fall in love with.” And there it was. Just like that.

Shit! I am in love with both of them! How am I supposed to…? Am I allowed to…? I don’t think I’m tall enough for this ride!

Danse’s look of shock quickly turned into amusement, as if her admittance made all the difference, “Well, there’s probably something good about him then. But I thought that you and Hancock were…”

“Yep, him too.”

“Oh wow! That sounds complicated and frustrating! And here I am fretting about the one person I’m in love with.”

“And she’s right behind you!”

Danse leaped to his feet dislodging Panther and sending the bench toppling over. Wraith laughed from the ground under the pile of animals, “I was joking!”

 Danse and Curie’s return to Sanctuary had been planned to coincide with the beginning of Harvest. Everyone hit pause on whatever their normal tasks were and Wraith was more than happy to throw herself into mind numbing physical labor. Combined with distribution management of crops and continued relief efforts for Goodneighbor, going to sleep actually became much easier for her now that she had obtained peak exhaustion.  The bad dreams still woke her up however and with no one to hold her, she often remained that way.

As Wraith’s fatigue had become increasingly noticeable Curie once again had pushed for use of a sleep aid. “It’s too much Baby Bird; I can’t be knocked out if something were to happen.”

“Madame surely can have a leave of absence, oui?” She and Danse were helping Wraith pick tatos, “I’m sure generals would do this.”

“Well not to sound narcissistic but I’m The General and it’s a bad idea for me to be off work during war time.”

Danse frowned at her from his row, “You don’t mean the Gunners do you? We have that well in hand. You dealt the Triggermen a serious enough blow that I doubt they’ll recover any time soon. Other than raiders, who are we at war with?”

“Factions of the Children of Atom, the Forged, Rust Devils, the L&L Gang, super mutants and not to mention the Commonwealth herself: rad storms, monsters and don’t get me started on the Nor’easters!”

“Like I said, mostly raiders,” Danse laughed, “and you can’t wage war on the weather General!”

“I’m pretty sure she’s tenacious enough to bring Ma Nature to her knees, you feel me?” Hancock was leaning against the wall of a nearby shed, looking smug at their surprised faces.

Curie immediately went to hug him, “Bonjour mon ami! Avez-vous suivi vos estudes?”

“Oui, prof j’ai. Tu es magnifique comme toujours.”

“Et vous etes un flirt sans vergogne!”

Wraith found the variety of emotion that colored Danse’s face as he tried to understand what they were saying perfectly hilarious and when he looked to her for help she shrugged her shoulders, “Ne me regarde pas.”

 “Where’s MacCready? I expected him to see me from the tower and he’d come say ‘hi’.”  As Hancock pumped water so Wraith could wash her hands, he looked around, clearly disappointed.

“Mac has a massive headache from his latest round of implant surgery. He’s up in his room, but I’m sure a visit from you will liven up his day.” Wraith cast a worried look toward the second story of her house, “I can’t imagine being allergic to Med-X.”

MacCready’s class was on break for Harvest and so he had the remainder of his unsalvageable teeth pulled. With powerful Institute technology, Curie had set the metal posts for his new teeth in just a few days. The customary waiting period to set the actual teeth was also unnecessary due to her equipment but without the aid of the powerful pain-killer, he was left with one hell of a migraine.

Hancock frowned as he thought of MacCready in pain, “No wonder he drinks too much.” He motioned to his own left cheek, “You have dirt still.”

Wraith playfully punched his arm while absentmindedly wiping her cheek and completely missing the dirt, ”He drinks too much? You’re one to talk.”

Hancock caught her arm and pulled her to him to seductively lick the smudge from her face, “Mmm… you taste as good as you look.”

“Did you just lick something off of my face?! Hancock! What if it was oil or… or worse?”

“You do know what Jet is made from, right? ‘Sides, I’m pretty sure ghoul drool is a universal solvent.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s water.” She did her best to ignore his look of disappointment as she disentangled herself from his embrace, “Come on, let’s go take Mac some ice.”

 Wraith had hung black-out curtains in MacCready’s apartment in preparation for his surgery. As they opened his bedroom door a beam of light passed over his face and he sat up in his bed. He looked rough: hair mussed, face swollen and eyes filled with pain.

“Oh damn, Little Brother…”

Attempting to smile was a mistake and he winced, which also looked like it hurt, “Hey man… ow…”

Wraith passed him the towel-wrapped bag of ice and his relief was echoed on her face as well, “Don’t try to talk Mac.”

“Can I see?” Hancock groaned sympathetically as MacCready opened his mouth, “Well damn! After this you’re all done then, right?”

“Shesh shaid a couple of dash, and… all shmilesh.” Groaning, he lay back down using his ice-towel as a pillow.

Hancock gave his hand a squeeze and kissed his forehead and then he and Wraith made their way back downstairs, “Damn… How did you talk him into that one?”

Wraith strategically avoided her bedroom door and instead made her way to her office. “He asked me a while back if there was something we could do. Timing was hard but we did a round this summer…” Wraith trailed off remembering why Hancock wouldn’t have known. “I’m surprised to see you here,“ when he frowned she attempted to soften her words, “what with all that’s going on I mean.”

“Well, KL-E-O has a hot tip on some ballistic fiber. She’s grateful to you so figures this one’s free. Fahrenheit told me I was under-foot and suggested I come see if I could be of use to you; if the three of us would want to go collect it. Since MacCready is out of commission for a bit and it’s been a while since you and me got into some trouble, just the two of us… What do ya think?”

Wraith’s eyes lit up, “Yes. Definitely yes. Danse and Curie were just busting my chops about going on leave and I feel that this should count! Besides, we really need that ballistic fiber.”

“I don’t know… ‘snot exactly a vacation. It still seems like you’re working...”

 The duo moved through the lower levels of the building as quietly as possible. From all accounts it had been empty of both raiders and monsters for quite some time but things could change quickly in the Commonwealth. KL-E-O had recommended they proceed with caution regardless of occupants, due to the copious amount of traps.

Most of the basement and first floor was submerged and Hancock had been making little noises of disgust every few steps, “I sure hope this is water…”

They avoided the elevator (that still had power somehow) after only briefly considering it. Standing in front of the doors listening to the button “pling” they had said, in perfect unison, “Booby trapped!”

Wraith held her hand out to him, “Jinx! You owe me some Jet.” Hancock had seemed a little confused but still reached into his coat and passed her the requested chem.

“Do you always put the same stuff in the same pockets?”

Hancock’s face suggested she should have known better than to ask, “Course! You can’t waste time being unorganized. Chem breaks are important!”

 The second floor was dryer and after picking their way past various piles of rubble they found what must have been The Grand Stair, back in the building’s heyday.

“Is it me, or does this place remind you of Faneuil?”

Wraith was looking dejectedly at the staircase, which was lousy with wire traps, “Yeah, but times ten.” As she walked to the foot of the stair a bolt of lightning flashed outside, followed immediately by a ferocious crack of thunder.

The two made eye contact and said, once again in perfect unison, “Ominous!”

This time Hancock called jinx but his request (and his smile) was more suggestive, “You owe me a ‘conversation’ I believe.”

Wraith felt herself get hot, “Oh no! Not here. We start that business we’ll likely blow ourselves up.”

“I don’t mind it a little rough…”

As if to answer him the whole building settled loudly with reverberating creaks and groans that were rather alarming, “Well, that answers that! The wind must have picked up outside. We’d best make this quick.” She removed her pack to pick out the items she would need and became keenly aware of how close Hancock was standing to her. “Um… not to be rude…”

“Oh right! Probably don’t want me looming over you… unless you want some help?”

“Why don’t you go check out the ballroom? If everyone has been avoiding this place there might still be some good stuff around.”

As she busied herself with disarming the explosives, Hancock moved through the rest of the rooms on the second floor checking containers and looking for safes. He found a promising safe/terminal combo and ignoring the computer, deftly picked the lock. The contents were rather disappointing however: $13.00 and a personalized coffee cup that read “World’s Greatest Grandma” that had obviously been painted by a child. “Why the hell would they keep thirteen bucks in a safe? Guns and Bullets cost thirty three and it was just a damn magazine!”

Already bored, he made his way back to the stair to check Wraith’s progress. She was almost to the first landing and was completely focused. After watching her for a minute he suddenly got a bad feeling and almost called out to her but didn’t want to startle her into making an error. “Watching her is making me paranoid, that’s all.”

Moving away he briefly amused himself by cutting the mouth and eyes out of a painting of George Washington (at least he thought it was) that he found in the restroom. Holding it up to his face, he recited his favorite Washington quote to a mirror, “The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.”  Laughing at the irony of it he turned the painting back around, “I don’t think this was even ol’ Georgie after all.” He tossed the painting aside and wandered into the ballroom, “I wonder if MacCready would find that one funny.”

Pretending to have been announced to a grand masquerade, he elegantly spun round with arms out to either side, ending in a bow to both the east and west wings. The room held no great, obvious treasure however, so he walked along the wall looking at paintings. Making sure Wraith couldn’t hear him from the next room, he proceeded to rehearse a potential conversation much in the same way that she had days before, “Hey sister, I happened to noticed that you didn’t say ‘I love you too’. I know it’s been rough for you and maybe if you’re saying it out-loud you’ll feel like you’re betraying Nate… Naw I don’t think that’s it.”

He noticed the remains of a small private loge and with amazing agility, used the narrow lip of the wainscoting to leap to a tattered banner and swing himself to the railing.

Partially obscured by broken seats was a small safe, “What are you hiding?” It would have most likely been behind a now fallen painting and after picking the lock, Hancock was happy to find a more lucrative return, “Well now, six lighters and a nice .44 plus ammo!”

Packing his pockets with his treasures, imagining the smile on Wraith’s face made him happy. His expression quickly sobered however and righting a chair he flopped down and continued his ruminations, “It’s MacCready isn’t it? That fella… I’d happily jump his bones if I knew that’s what he wanted from me! He’s given me some signs… I can’t tell if that’s what he wants or if that’s what he thinks I want and I know he wants to give me what I want… mmmuUUGGHHRR!” Growling in frustration he crossed his legs and set them up on the railing, “Maybe she loves him too. That’s stupid. I know she loves him too. Maybe that’s it; she thinks she has to choose. Does she? Can I share her? Can I share him?”

He put his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, listening to the storm outside, “Would explain why she won’t let me touch her for more than five seconds.” He spent a few blissful moments imagining all the different ways he could touch (and be touched by) both of them.

Then the whole world exploded.

 Moments before, Wraith had finally made it to the first landing. She stretched and went through her pack, looking for a Nuka Cola. She saw the Jet that Hancock had given her first and picked it up, wondering to herself how much faster her task would be if she combined the inhaler with Mentats. As it happened, having the chem half way to her lips may have saved her life.

The forceful winds outside caused the entire building to shift and as the pressure on the support beams changed, it set off a chain reaction of disastrous proportions. She had just enough time to inhale the Jet and grab her pack as the elevator exploded, triggering the rest of the trip-wire traps. She leaped from the landing just as the shockwave hit and she and household shrapnel were flung to the third floor. Spun about in midair, the back of her head slammed into a wall just as she felt something pierce her shoulder. Pain and darkness closed in around her and she knew no more.

 Stunned, Hancock lay immobile under fallen debris. Gaining his senses after a moment, he pushed the rubble away while coughing and calling for Wraith.

There would be no answer.

The ballroom ceiling was mostly gone and what remained was chard and smoking. Exposed to the elements, the fire had guttered and gone out leaving behind the acrid smell of burnt treated lumber and plastic.

“Wraith!” Hancock ignored his own small hurts and ran to the ruin of the Grand Stair, “WRAITH!”

He heard only the sound of the storm and the sizzle of spent flame.

“Please honey… PLEASE ANSWER ME!” He felt hot tears running down his cheeks and he stood motionless, not even knowing where to look, “Please… I just got you back… I just…”

He saw her pack. It was hanging from a pipe above and to his left.

Using all of his strength and agility, he swung and leaped his way to the remains of the third floor. With a mop handle, he hooked her pack off of the pipe and hugged it to his chest, “Please Wraith…”

And then Hancock found her.

His sob of relief quickly turned to one of anguish: she was a mess of blood and her eyes were partially open. Trapped in a small triangular space made from partially collapsed ceiling and the floor, she had been run through by a piece of wood. She looked very dead.

“God no… NOOOOO!” Hancock had to crawl on his hands and knees to get to her. Once there he went to reach for her but was afraid to touch her and so left his hands hovering midway between them.

Then she blinked.

Wraith coughed and a thin line of blood ran from her mouth to drip down her chin, “Hancock… I… have a splinter…”

“You sure do sunshine.”

She strained to lift her head but her eyes widened in pain and she relaxed, “Could you check… my head… make sure my brains are in my head, please.”

He dutifully checked her skull, “I don’t think it’s broken but you’re gonna have one hell of a goose egg.” After injecting her with a stimpak and Med-X, he crawled around to her left side to see how badly she was pinned. Her left arm hung as if it was no longer attached and blood flowed down to drip from her fingers to the floor, “You’re going to bleed out if we can’t get you free.”

“Can you push…?”

“Sister, there ain’t enough Buffout in the world…”

“You’ll have to cut me free.”

Hancock looked at her in horror, “I’m not cutting your arm off!”

“Then cut the splinter. I don’t… have a saw. You use… knife…” Her chin dropped to her chest as she lost consciousness.

“God please don’t let her wake up while I’m doing this.” After taking some Buffout he set his knife to the wooden spike, took a deep breath and began sawing. About midway through, the pain woke her in spite of the Med-X and she gapped wordlessly, her right hand curling and clenching the air. She soon passed out which both worried and relived Hancock.

Normally it would be best to leave the impaling object in to avoid more rapid blood loss. In this case, Hancock’s sawing had expanded the wound and he needed to pull it out and staunch the flow of blood.

He pulled her to a relatively sheltered corner and removed her torso armor. He noticed the dent in her chest plate where the stake first made impact and was surprised that it even penetrated her armored Army fatigues, “The weave should have stopped it…” A terrible thought crossed his mind and instead of attempting to pull her arm free by disrobing her, he brought his knife to bear and simply cut the fabric away from her wound. There was no ballistic weave.  

He was suddenly very angry with her, “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU HAVE BALLISTIC WEAVE?!” Using moonshine as a disinfectant he hastily stitched her up as he cussed her out, “FUCK, WRAITH! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!”

He wrapped her in his coat and using the remains of a fire hose, lowered her to the second floor as carefully as possible. Popping some Buffjet, he cradled her in his arms and ran through the remains of the building and out into the storm.

As Hancock ran, his mind reveled a new horror to him: this was actually all his fault. He remembered the fight he had staged in Dr. Amari’s clinic, especially the part where he accused her of not caring about any of them.

Fahr told me Wraith gave her and Michael ballistic fiber. Wraith has been desperate for that stuff. She… removed her own weave? Yes of course she did! Of course, she cares about everyone! Why, why did I SAY THAT! MacCready’s hat, Nick’s hat, Preston’s hat… oh god… MY HAT!

Stopping briefly, he took more chems then continued running at a brutal pace. The storm began to wane just as the storm in Hancock’s mind reached a crescendo.

ALL YOUR FAULT! ALL YOUR FAULT! ALL YOURS!

At a certain point he became aware that someone was pacing him. In the process of trying to figure out how to fight and save Wraith, he was shocked to see it was Deacon.

“I’ll run interference! Don’t slow down whatever you hear!”

The rest of the race back to Sanctuary was a nightmare for Hancock. His feet were run raw in his boots and his chest burned from lack of air. He could hear occasional sounds of fighting and he knew that he was pushing it too hard with the chems but he could not stop, “I’m saving her even if it kills me!”

The tower guard radioed ahead to Sofie and Curie that they had incoming and so when Hancock crossed through Big Bridge Gate, they were there to run along aside him.

“We need monsieur Garvey! Madam’s blood type is very rare. Send out Cait and Gracie! If Strong is back send him as well.” As Curie worked she called out to Wraith, trying to bring her back to consciousness. “Return to us Madame!”

When MacCready got to the clinic he saw Hancock standing in the doorway, chest heaving, “What happened?” When he didn’t immediately answer, MacCready tore his eyes from Wraith to look at him.

Something was wrong.

Hancock’s eyes were completely glassed and he was drooling. He turned his head to MacCready and reached for him, “Robert…” His eyes rolled to back of his head and he began to violently shake. As he seized he hit MacCready across the face, sending him reeling. Danse had been right behind them and so caught Hancock in his arms to prevent the ghoul from hurting himself.

Complete chaos ensued as everyone was shouting at once and MacCready’s broken nose was streaming blood. “I WILL HAVE QUIET!” Curie’s shout cut through the bedlam like a hot knife. She gave orders to her nurse as well as her extra helpers with a voice full of calm authority, “Now, Williams, you will put the mattress from that gurney there on the floor. Danse you will set Hancock on his side and do not hold his head! No addictol! MacCready there are towels there for your nose and grab charcoal and stimpaks.”

Deacon was the last to arrive, with his face bruised and clothes torn, “I just saw Cait riding Gracie out…”

“Oui. They have gone to The Castle to bring the Colonel; we need his blood.”

“They’ll never make it… Check mine!”

“Monsieur Deacon it is highly unlikely…”

“DAMN IT, CHECK MINE!” He thrust his wrists at her as if begging to be put in handcuffs, “We can’t wait for them, please!”

  It was warm.

Philippa, you can’t stay here.

It was warm and soft and dark.

Philippa… you have to go back now.

 As Wraith swam upward through the dark toward consciousness, she became aware of pain. Her chest and left shoulder hurt but it was the familiar discomfort of the nasal cannula that irritated her the most. The supply tubing chafed her ears and she hated having something in her nose. She would have removed it but her right arm had been strapped to the hospital bed and her left arm was wrapped and held immobile against her torso. Frowning at the various IV lines in her leg and right arm, she was trying to piece together what had happened. Her mind was a fog from pain killers and focusing was hard so she closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of Hancock and MacCready as they breathed in their sleep.

Her eyes snapped open when she realized what the sounds meant and she smiled when she saw them. The gurney had been wheeled as close as possible to her bed and both men were lying together. MacCready was flat on his back with one arm extended toward her and the other wrapped around Hancock. The latter was lying completely over the top of MacCready and had his head tucked under his chin.

It was just about the sweetest thing she had seen them do.

MacCready felt her looking at him and woke to return her smile, “Hey Boss Lady. You decided to stay with us after all.”

She cleared her throat before speaking but her voice still came out gravely and raw, ���Look at you with your pretty smile! Yeah. I love it here, you know?” She popped her chin at Hancock, “He alright? What happened to your face?”  

“Well… he… kinda broke my nose.” Seeing her eyes widen in alarmed confusion he rushed to explain, “He overdosed to get you here and had a seizure. It wasn’t on purpose. Wrong place, wrong time kinda thing.”

“A seizure?! Is he oaky?!”

“Well he’s still pretty out of it and he kept trying to get to you. Curie wouldn’t let him cause of the tubes and stuff so he…” MacCready’s voice cracked with emotion and he cleared his throat, “He started to cry.” He sniffled a little and swallowed a couple of times, “He uh… he stays calm as long as I hold on to him though.” The tender look he cast toward Hancock made Wraith’s heart hurt and she started to cry. “Oh hey, oh no…” He stretched as far as he could reach without dislodging his ghoul burden and touched her hand, “It’s okay! Jeez you guys! What am I supposed to do with you?”

Hancock made a small, annoyed grunt at being jostled, “You guys mind keeping it down? Some of us are hung-over.”

“And some of us are just hung.” MacCready maneuvered himself out from under the ghoul, “Speaking of bones; you are just about the boniest blanket I’ve ever had!”

“Where you going?”

“I’ve had to pee for forever. I’ll be back in a sec. Don’t unstrap her hand. Curie says the nose thingy has to stay in!” He pointed a stern finger at the both of them as he left the room.

Hancock immediately stood up (rather wobbly) and undid the strap, “…tell ME what to do…” Giving Wraith a kiss after she removed the cannula, he held her hand and gazed at her adoringly, “How high are you right now?”

Wraith giggled as her head swam, “I think I’ll probably pass out in a sec. I kinda need that oxygen. Probably.”

“Probably. You and I are going to have a talk when you’re better.”

“Are you threatening me, John Hancock?”

“Never, sunshine. I’ll put the oxygen back in after you pass out.”

 She heard arguing then vague flashes of Deacon, Preston and Codsworth.

Pain. Pain all over.

 Deacon was humming show tunes.

Opening her eyes she could see that her usable hand was once again strapped to the bed, “Deacon would you free me up? I have to get this thing out of my nose or I’m going to scream!”

“I don’t know… Curie is actually pretty scary when she’s mad!” Despite what he said he still undid the strap. “How do you feel?”

“Lousy. When did you get here?” She pulled the tubing off of her ears and tossed the whole apparatus to the floor. “No offence, but you look kinda rough yourself. Are you alright?”

“Welp, half my blood is now swimming through your reckless veins, so yeah… I’m clinic bound till I grow some more.”

“Ha ha ha! Blood cells don’t swim!” Realizing what he meant she became as serious as her drugged mind would let her, “Well, I guess we’re blood brothers now.” Suddenly sad, her eyes filled with tears, “I put everyone in danger again, didn’t I? Are they mad at me?” Her lip quivered, “Are you mad at me?”

Deacon stood up and took his glasses off. With an internal struggle clear on his face, some part of him lost a battle and he stooped to kiss her forehead. Resting his cheek against hers and putting his arms around her as best he could, he whispered, “Everyone loves you.”

  Thank you for reading! Like what you read? Looking for more? Please see my Wraith in the Ruins master-link in my bio. Any questions/concerns/comments? My ask is open. Anons too! =^..^=

[betsynagler]

The Next Thing We Don’t Get To Talk About

Adolescence was kind of a mystery when I was a tween. Actually, we didn't call tweens “tweens” in the late 70s/early 80s, sort of the Iron Age of coming up with clever, merged names for stuff, and there were lots of other things of whose names we did not speak. My mother was a full-fledged feminist at that point, but a large part of her era’s brand of feminism was about minimizing the differences between men and women. Maybe this is why I didn't know anything about getting my period — heck, I don't think I even knew it was going to happen — until I read Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. In fact, there's a fair amount I wouldn't know about the world if it weren't for Judy Blume. Not that I enjoyed her books, which also included vivid details about wet dreams (Then Again, Maybe I Won't) and teenaged sex (Forever, a book of which I think I may only have read the “good” pages — the ones my friends dog-eared so they could share them, or maybe read them over again alone in their rooms, which was something that never occurred to me to do since masturbation was another thing nobody ever told me about). I didn't like them, partly because even at that age I could tell that “literary” was not a primary value considered by the dog-ear-and-share teen set, but mainly because those books scared the shit out of me. I was an immature kid, a year younger than most of the girls in my grade, and I’d been very happy in the dark, thank you. I didn't want to know about any of this stuff, which seemed entirely gross and overwhelming. Trying to figure out why girls wore skirts when they could wear infinitely more comfortable shorts or overalls was way too complicated for me, I certainly couldn't imagine celebrating when I started bleeding out of my vagina. In fact, I don't know anyone who did, in spite of what Judy wrote. And while my mom was helpful about it when I finally had it (late. I was 14 or 15, which seemed eons after everyone else), she didn't use tampons, so I still had to figure all of that out by myself. But to me, being a teenager was basically about feeling stupid nearly all the time, so to have this one additional thing I was utterly clueless about just seemed normal.

Little did I know how many more holes there were in my knowledge (a lot of it, coincidentally, regarding orifices). I didn't start masturbating until my 20s, since I basically didn't even know I had a clitoris until I was introduced to it by my first real boyfriend at age 21, so I guess that's when I started to understand and pay attention to my sex drive, but I still didn't notice any connection between it and my cycle. Once I got on the pill, I was very regular, and didn't have period symptoms like moodiness or bloating or cramps, so, aside from taking birth control and my uneventful annual gynecological checkup, I never had a need to think about what was going on in my uterus at all besides the usual monthly messiness. Until, that is, my 30s. That's when the hormones hit the fan. It didn't help, no doubt, that my mid-30s was when my midlife crisis started — and yes, I do mean this one, the one that's still going on. I know that probably sounds precocious, and I certainly don't have plans to die at age 68, but that's when I started thinking about my biological clock — or, once again not at all precociously, even realized I had one. So that's when I really had to start considering what the heck I was doing with my life: what my current relationship was all about, where my career was going or not going, and how I was going to make the rest of my life happen — the one that I'd always imagined would start when I sold my first screenplay or made my first feature and then continue successfully from there to all the other things I wanted like kids, money, property ownership. Because it clearly was not happening so far.

As you might imagine, the first step in all that was therapy, and it was my therapist who introduced me to the term “perimenopause.” As in, “Maybe part of the reason you’re moody and depressed is that you're going through perimenopause.” Which is not something that a woman who is hoping to have several more years of fertility wants to hear, even if she doesn't know what it is, exactly, because it has the word “menopause” in it, and that is definitely bad. So my gynecologist gave me tests for my hormones and everything looked normal, but still, I could feel that it wasn’t — or at least, not the normal that I’d been used to. If I wasn't having perimenopause, I was definitely having something, because all of this stuff was happening to me. For one thing, my sex drive had definitely gotten stronger. I wanted sex every day, if not more than once a day, even if my boyfriend didn't. Which was weird. I hadn't been taught that that degree of desire would ever be, well, me. Yes, I'd missed regular sex during the nine years I hadn't had a boyfriend, and that was why I’d learned to masturbate and occasionally made bad choices about men. Still, my need to get laid had never been so strong that I’d made really bad choices, like I knew it drove a lot of other people to do. Now, suddenly, I felt like I could relate a little more to those who felt driven by their genitalia. I had chalked it up to the fact that I was having good, regular sex, after being starved of it for so long, but I was starting to realize that there was more to it than just the horniness. I was also a lot moodier — depressed, anxious, irritable — and it was indeed a lot worse around my period.

I resisted the idea that this was happening for a long time, because it’s the worst type of stereotype that women are ruled by their cycles and made irrational, “hysterical” by our hyster-areas, rather than the way that society beats us down and makes us hate ourselves. But it was impossible not to notice that it wasn’t just these outside forces having an impact on me, something was going on inside me too. And it did seem like, finally, some of my friends were talking about it — like we were finally realizing, in our 30s, it was time to pay attention to what was actually going on with us, rather than what everyone told was supposed to be going on. And of course there was the Internet, although, as usual, whether that was helping or hurting was something of a toss up. You sure could find a lot about how women were at their sexual peak in their 30s, because that was hot, but scientifically established research about all of this other female hormonal business? Not really. So this became my major introduction to the fact that not just my body, but the mind and emotions attached to it, that I always thought of as wholly independent and under my control, were going to change as I got older whether I liked it or not. I could pretend it wasn't happening, or I could accept it and find ways to cope.

Little did I know that there was to be even more stuff for me to find out, a lot of it had to do with having babies, or not having babies. The pain women go through during childbirth, the likelihood of maternal mortality, how many things can go wrong — these were all things I only discovered when friends started having children or trying to get pregnant. I found out only long after it happened that two of my friends had come pretty close to dying during childbirth — and then they each went on to have more kids! This floored me. Then I had four miscarriages/non-viable pregnancies myself and wrote about it, and all my friends were suddenly telling me about their experiences with that. I mean, it was as if these were things we were all just supposed to go through and then shut up about, because nobody wanted to hear the gory details. Post-#metoo, it strikes me as being very similar to sexual harassment and assault. Women have always just been expected to suffer through all sorts of things and never complain, never talk. Because a large part of our value was in how well we lived up to all of the roles of womanhood — ingenue, sex kitten, helpmate, housewife, caretaker, subordinate but necessary breadwinner — without letting our personhood get in the way.

And now, finally, menopause. Which is like all of these things but also worse, because it also has to do with getting old, and that is something, as women, we can never talk about. Again, it's supposed to be each woman’s dirty little secret, hidden by hair dye, Botox, and plastic surgery. Aging is a process that happens to literally every human being, but yet again, women are made to feel like there's something wrong with us when we can’t stop time. And then, to add insult to injury, we stop being fertile, which means we lose the final thing we had going for us if we weren't hot or good cooks: we could at least make babies. Then, we get all of the fun symptoms that go along with that: hot flashes, lowered libido, dry vaginas, mood swings, irregular periods…You thought you hated your period before, but at least with most of us it was predictable, now it's not even that. Some women bleed a lot more, some bleed more often, like every three weeks or so instead of four, but not exactly, so you always have to be prepared, carrying your not-so-little bag of tampons and mini-pads around basically 24-7. And the moodiness becomes practically a month-round thing too (and it's not just grumpiness at never knowing when you're going to start bleeding — although can you imagine men putting up with that? Offices filled with middle-aged, menopausal men — upper management at any corporation, perhaps the entire insurance industry — would basically cease to function).

All of this is normal for women, but you'd never know it from popular culture. Except for the occasional joke about hot flashes and the movie Something's Got To Give, menopause doesn't exist there. So how are we supposed to know that what we're going through is what everyone else is going through? Not just to get advice or support, but even to get a sense whether or not something is wrong. I mean, how soon you're supposed to call your doctor if you have a Viagra mishap? We all pretty much know that now because it's been the punchline in so many rom coms and sitcoms and other kinds of coms. Menopause? Still too icky to make jokes about, apparently. If men don't experience it, I guess it's not “universal” enough to be funny.

I think some of this has changed. My friends who have girls certainly talk to them about a lot more than we talked about with our parents. But I still think the message of our culture is that our experiences of womanhood, the good and the bad, the sad and the fucking hilarious because it's so terrible, are not worth sharing — unless they‘re a turn-on, which, I’m sorry, most things in life just aren’t. I have to wonder, when are we going to stop internalizing the message that what happens to us just doesn't matter as much as what happens to them?

[lady-une]

Chapter 14 (Finale)

OMG here it is the final chapter. I honestly didn’t think I would ever get to the end of this story. While some things have changed from what i originally had imagined in my head, I am still content with what I have. I want to thank my beta @tears-of-orphans for being there for me through this journey. Her comments on my chapters as she reads them always make my day. Some days when I wasn’t feeling like writing I kept going only if it was just to hear what she had to say. So thank you again love for being there for me and I can’t to start another Jay story and have you there to read it. I don't know what else to say, other then thanking you for taking the time to read my story. Also the pictures in the moodboard do not belong to me in anyway.

Sarah

When I first arrived back in the states things were very stressed between my dad and me. I wanted to go back and find another apartment but he refused to let me move out. This wasn’t the first time staying with him at his home but it was the first time I was there for a long period of time. He said he couldn’t sleep at night knowing I was out there alone and pregnant. When I told Hua and Park of the baby news Park was on dad’s team with calling in death threats but Hua was there to let me cry out all the pain I had inside. The pregnancy wasn’t too hard to hide thanks to baggy clothes and that I didn’t carry too big. I made sure to keep up my appearances on social media but never took pictures of my whole body, it was always chest up. Any time I had video messages with Simon I made sure to be sitting at a desk with everything I needed at hands reach. I still felt like crap for keeping this from Jay and there were so many times my fingers paused over his name in my contacts. Whenever I got a new sonogram picture I wished he was there to share the news with but knew that it would only complicate things. I didn’t keep in close contact with Gray and I was happy whenever I saw his smiling face on his Instagram, I knew things were getting better for him. Jay always had that goofy smile on his face as well in all the pictures and it was nice to see that the bond he had with Gray wasn’t broken by what had happened.

As the months went by and the more I showed the more my dad got angrier, he hated that I was here going through this alone. He also hated that I was keeping this from Jay and threatened to call him many times, he said he needed to be there to support me because I didn’t make this baby alone. Towards the end of the pregnancy when my feet and limbs started to swell up and I wasn’t able to sleep comfortably was when he really started to get angry. I knew the anger was just his frustrations with seeing me this way and I tried to do things for him like making his favorite meal or talking about sports. Even Park was here to help keep my dad’s mind off of things and Hua was there as well with her friend who was a doula. I had made the decision to go about this pregnancy in a healthy way, I didn’t want it to be so strict and having to go by the rules of the medical world. With a doula I was able to go about things in a more peaceful way and was able to give birth at home. Hua was there to help coach me through this while Park was there as well but he sat with my dad in the living room trying to keep him calm. Park one night called me after working with my dad and had told me that my dad was so afraid for me and I couldn’t believe that I was so blind to this. He had lost his wife and unborn baby to child birth, back then things weren’t nearly as advanced. The cord was wrapped around the child and was suffocating him, they rushed his wife into emergency surgery where she bled out from complications. He never remarried and never thought of replacing his wife. When I found that’s what was feeding into his anger I waited for him to get home from work and just hugged him. I told him that I would be fine and the baby would be fine too, that things have changed since then. He held me close to him and told me he didn’t want history to repeat itself and he knew he was being silly with his fear but he couldn’t help it. So that’s why he waited in another room as I labored all day and well into the night.

It was just past midnight and Hua sat behind me in the little pool we had set up, she was rubbing my shoulders and telling me everything she could think of to keep me positive. The doula was at the edge of the pool urging me to keep pushing and that the head was coming. I was trying to hold back my cries because I didn’t want to scare my dad. When the head was finally out she had me hold off on pushing to get the cord and make sure it wasn’t around the baby’s neck. I gave a couple of more pushes and my sweet baby boy was brought into the world, the doula lifted him to my chest and suctioned his mouth and nose clean and his little cries filled the room. I could hear my dad and Park down stairs hollering and hooting for joy. Hua sat behind me hugging me and congratulating me, my eyes were only for my baby boy who had a head full of black hair. He had a cute little squishy face that looked all silly as he cried out. Once everything was taken care for the aftercare I was helped out of the pool and to my bed where I was able to nurse him for the first time. Once he was finished and I was dressed my dad and Park came in to meet him. Park held back with Hua to let my dad come up and meet him first.

My dad walked up to my bed and gave me a kiss on the forehead, “I am so proud of you Sarah, you were so strong in all of this. I know your parents if there were still here would be over the moon. Now let me get a good look at this little guy.”

I handed the wrapped up baby over to my dad and watched him look down at him with a tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

“Hello sweet boy, you are just going to be such a handsome little guy when you grow up won’t you. Look at this this hair, already so much hair for such a little guy. What will you name him?”

“Joon Ki, I wanted him to have a name that wouldn’t be too out there if he were to grow up here in the states but I also didn’t want him to have an American name that would make things hard for him if he grows up in Korea. When I was looking for names I came across Joon which means a man who is exceptionally talented, while Ki means the one who has arisen. I hope that these names will give him strength in anything he tries to achieve.”

“That’s a lovely name Sarah. Hello Joon Ki, I am your grandpa and I have so many things planned for us to do! Just wait until you are old enough and I am going to teach you all about cars!”

I knew that all the anger my dad might have still had inside him over this was gone the minute he held Joon in his arms. The next two months seemed to fly by and one morning as I had just put Joon down in his bed after feeding him I heard my phone ringing. I grabbed it off my nightstand and took the call into the bathroom shutting the door so that I didn’t wake up Joon. I looked down at the phone and saw that it was Simon.

“Good morning Simon.”

“Good morning Sarah, how are things going over there?”

“They are going good, did you get the new lyrics I sent your way.”

“Yes I did and that’s why I am calling you, it’s time for you to come back Sarah. You won’t be able to record these songs from the states and we need you here for the other songs we have you set to work on. I know you will need to make some arrangements so I will expect you back here in about a month.”

“I guess I will see you then.”

I ended the call and sat there thinking things over, I knew this was going to happen eventually but I had hoped Joon would be a little older before then. I left my bathroom and made sure Joon was still sleeping before going to find my dad who was downstairs watching some old cowboy movie.

“Simon called.”

My dad muted the movie and turned towards me, “What did he say?”

“He expects me back in SK in a month.”

“I see, that doesn’t give us much time to get things in order.”

“No it doesn’t, what will we do?”

“Well I already talked to Dave and he will be taking over the club, I will still have my name attached but all important matters will go through him. I have some friends over there who deal with realty and I can see if they will help us find a suitable place. As for this place, I can probably sell it or rent it out. Anything that doesn’t hold a special place in my heart will be sold off.”

“Are you sure you want to do this dad? I mean you don’t have to come with.”

“As if I would let you take Joon all the way over there and have him grow up without his grandpa. Who is going to help him learn about cars and the old school cowboy movies. I doubt any of the guys there will know about these things. No he needs his grandpa in his life.”

I hugged my dad and thanked him for always being there for me and for taking a chance on some random kid coming in off the streets. I don’t know where I would be had he not been there to give me my chance, I certainly wouldn’t have Joon that’s for sure and that’s not a future I would ever want.

Thankfully my dad’s friends came through and found us a nice little house with a little yard, I had told my dad an apartment would be fine but he said that a young kid needed some room to play outside. That him and Joon would be planting some vegetables and flowers and getting dirty because that what a grandpa and his grandkids do. We said our goodbyes yet again to everyone before we left and promised to come back when we could to see them.

The plane ride back to Korea wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be with an infant, he slept most of the time and rarely cried. When we landed my dad took Joon from me and was being met by his friends who would bring them to the house. He didn’t want me photographed with the baby and he had a point. I waited for a good 30 minutes before walking out into the airport making sure that there was no way I could be linked to them. I rolled my luggage through the airport and smiled at all the flashing lights before I got in a cab and made my way to the house, on the way there I made sure to send Simon a text telling him I had landed and was heading home.

When I arrived home I was so surprised at how nice the house looked, yeah it was a little far from the studio but the neighborhood was great and the house had more than enough room for us all. I walked into the house and found my dad proudly showing off his grandson like the proud grandpa he was. I smiled and set my things down before going up to his friends and thanking them for finding us such a lovely house.

Joon was in the arms of my dad’s friend’s wife just making cute little baby noises when the door bell rang. I excused myself to go see who it is only to see Simon on the other side of the door. I stepped aside and he walked in.

“Welcome back Sarah, you have a lovely house.”

“Thank you Simon, what brings you here?”

“I just wanted to make sure you had everything you needed and to just welcome you back.”

My dad started laughing with his friends at something Joon did which caught Simon’s attention. I saw him look over at Joon who was still in the arms of the wife and looked back at me.

“Cute kid.”

“Yes, sorry about this but we have company. I will see you tomorrow morning ok.”

“Sure thing, sorry to just show up like this.”

I opened the door and all but shoved him out telling him it was fine and that I would see him tomorrow. I didn’t want him getting close to Joon and I thought that I would have had some time before he noticed him. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things set up as I wouldn’t be home much tomorrow.

The next morning I woke up and fed Joon before leaving him with his grandpa and made my way to the studio. When I arrived I was welcomed back again my Simon who was happy to have me back and told me my room was still the same one. On the way back to my room I ran into Gray who had such a big smile on his face and pulled me into a big bear hug.

“Sarah I can’t believe you are back! You look great!”

“Thanks Gray, you look great too. How are things here?”

“Things are good, actually they are pretty great. Work is going well and I found the most loving woman to ever grace the planet.”

“Oh wow! That’s such good news, I can’t wait to meet her!”

“Yeah we will have to get together soon, sorry I can’t talk but I have something to get to.”

We said our goodbyes and I went into my room to only be met with Chase and Loco sitting on the couch. Loco stood up to give me a hug and welcome be back before he had to go as he had something to do as well. Chase gave me a hug and said how happy he was to have me back here before we jumped right into work. We were in the middle of matching up some lyrics with the beat he had playing when Jay walked in.

“I heard you were back.”

I looked up at Jay and even after everything the man still took my breath away. “Yeah I am.”

“I am glad to have you back here, I was starting to think you were going to stay in the states forever.”

I laughed, “As if Simon would let me do that.”

“No he wouldn’t, sounds like you guys have some good things here. Mind if I sit in on this.”

“I don’t have a problem with it.”

For the rest of the day I spent it with Jay and Chase going over the beat and the lyrics helping me where it was needed.

Jay

To say I missed Sarah while she was gone would be an understatement, the day she left I couldn’t bring myself to go to the airport. My heart was breaking every day leading up to her departure and had I gone I would never had let her get on the plane. Since then I haven’t been the same, I felt like there was this big piece of my life missing and it was her. Yeah things with Gray were back to the way they were before the mess but while he was easily moving on I couldn’t. Sarah was the one I thought of when I was working and the person I thought of when I laid in bed at night. She consumed my every free moment, I was always watching her social media accounts and I was happy to see her smiling face and have a glimpse into her life now that she wasn’t in mine anymore.

But to see her here again in this room and laughing with Chase as they worked on music. It was like the world seemed brighter, that before today it was like there was a dark filter over the world but it was gone now. I couldn’t help but smile the whole time I was in that room watching her work. I knew that things would be better from here on out and I was never going to put us in that kind of situation again that would make her leave me. The universe could throw anything at me right now and it wouldn’t even phase me because what we went through the past year was by far the worst thing to happen. Nothing could surprise me now nor could anything wipe this smile from my face.

Sarah

The first month back was so jam packed with things. Between working on the music I was also put in a couple of MVs for people who I was featured on their songs. I was doing more interviews to hype up my comeback and to help promote Gray and Loco’s comeback as well since I was featured on a track from their new album. Simon thought it would be a great idea to put me back on RUNNING MAN since I was such a big hit last time. I didn’t mind and looked forward to it. When they had me on the cast was asking me a million questions about going home and how things were going being back. Then they asked if I was dating anyone because apparently Jong Kook was rather smitten with me last time. I laughed it off and told them I wasn’t dating anyone and I wasn’t planning to because I was so busy with things.

Things were going so well and Joon was getting so big and was needing new clothes so on my day off I decided to take him down to the local area to find him some new clothes. I had him in a baby carrier on my chest with a blanket covering him from people while I had a hat on and a mask over my face. No one stopped me but I did notice someone out of the corner of my eye who had their phone held up but looked like they were texting, I doubted they were taking a picture because I was so far away from them and in a crowded place. Once I had some clothes I made my way home and was happy to make it back to the house without being stopped by anyone. I just played with Joon and went through his clothes packing away all the ones he outgrew before I made dinner. I didn’t bother checking social media and I wish I had.

The next morning I was replying to some messages from Hua and laughing at the pictures she had sent me. I didn’t notice the looks or the hushed conversations of the people around me. I heard a someone clear their throat and looked up to see Simon standing in front of me.

“Sarah can I see you upstairs really quick.”

“Sure.”

I followed him up to his office and walked in to find a rather frustrated looking Jay sitting on the couch. I took a seat opposite of him and watched Simon come to sit next to Jay.

“Sarah something was brought to our attention late last night and we need some clarification from you on it.”

“Ok…..what is it?”

Simon unlocked his tablet and slid it over to me, I lifted it and was looking at a picture of me and Joon from the other day shopping. I looked from the picture and looked at both Simon and Jay.

“Sarah can you explain this picture to us, who is the kid.”

“I am sorry Simon, I knew I should have told you sooner but I didn’t know how. That’s my son Joon.”

Jay shot up from the couch and let out a frustrated sigh and Simon let his head drop letting out a quiet curse.

“I am so sorry, I thought I was keeping him hidden well enough before I could figure out a way to tell you.”

“Sarah you should have told us the minute you found out you were pregnant, this would have been handled differently.”

“I am sorry Simon really I am.”

Jay who had been pacing back and forth silent the whole time finally found his voice, “What about the kid’s dad. Where is he?”

I looked down at the floor, “Not in the picture.”

“Sarah you have to understand this puts us in a bind, being a single mom isn’t looked upon well here. Plus the timing of you going back to the states and then coming back with a baby. This looks bad Sarah.”

“I know and I am sorry Jay.”

“I want you to lay low for now, no more PR for you until we can get this figured out.”

“I understand.”

I was dismissed from the office and made my way to my room only to be met with Gray.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I knew it was going to happen eventually.”

“Did you tell Jay?”

“No, I don’t need to complicate things more than they already are.”

“You need to tell him Sarah.”

“I will eventually.”

“Tell him soon before it gets out of control, before you fall further down the lie. He deserves to know the truth, I would be really hurt if I was in his shoes.”

“I will.”

Gray left the room after that and I was left to my work. Thankfully it wasn’t too big of a deal and Simon was able to smooth things over and spin this in a good light, he worked the angle of a struggling mom wanting to make the best of her situation and give her son the world. With things working out I was feeling better at bringing Joon out of the house more and didn’t have to hide him. I would often stop by the studio when I wasn’t working to see the guys and the girls at the studio loved watching him laugh and giggle.

I was set to be working at home today but I had forgotten something at the studio and decided to take Joon with me to get the fresh air. I was walking into the studio with Joon in his stroller playing with his stuffed puppy that Gray had bought him. Joon dropped the puppy on the floor and was starting to fuss so I bent down to get it and when I stood up I was met with Jay and his mom walking towards us.

I bowed, “Good morning.”

“Good morning Sarah, who is this precious little angel?”

“This is my son Joon.”

I watched her bend down to be at the same level of Joon and a bit of panic started to rise in my body, while he didn’t look too much like grown man Jay in my eyes, I had no idea if he resembled baby Jay and the woman would could spot it was currently making silly baby noises to my son. She reached her hand out to play with the cowlick on Joon’s head before she stood and watched him yawn before snuggling his face into his puppy.

“Sarah he is just the sweetest looking baby, Jay don’t you think so?”

“Yes he is.”

“Oh Sarah for that cowlick if you brush it a certain way it will stop sticking up. Jay use to have a cowlick just like that when he was a baby, it took me forever to get that thing under control but I eventually tamed that beast.”

I thanked her and moved out of the way to allow her and Jay to exit. My heart was racing a mile a minute at her words. I don’t know if she really noticed a similarity in looks between Jay and Joon but the look she gave me made me afraid. I quickly walked into my room and grabbed what I needed before leaving the studio and heading back home. I didn’t want to run into his mom again or Jay for that matter.

Thankfully I had no more run ins with his mother or anyone else from his family. Joon was getting older and had just celebrated his 6 month mark and was now trying to crawl all over the place and sticking everything in his mouth. Ji Soo had actually called me up and asked if I along with AOMG would like to partner with her in her new line of clothes. It would be a matching family line and she felt that it would be good for me since I had a new baby to participate in this. So that’s how I found myself in a matching outfit with a little girl around Joon’s age. Joon and I weren’t the only ones in the photo shoot as Ji Soo had actually called in Jay to take on the dad roll for the male matching clothes. The irony of this was not lost on me at all.

Jay

I arrived at the photo shoot location to find Sarah already being photographed with a cute little girl in a matching spring dress. They were sitting on the floor playing with some jewelry and looked perfect together. She really was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and when I saw her smiling with the little girl I couldn’t help but wish that this was a family photo shoot for real and not just for some fashion line. Once I was spotted I was taken back into wardrobe and given my matching outfit that would go with the concept. Once I was dressed I walked out and found Joon playing on a blanket with some toys. I walked over to him and swooped him up in my arms and started to tickle him causing him to break out into little baby laughs. He really was the cutest little baby I had ever seen and whenever I held him my heart felt just weird, like I was missing some important piece of information but once I had him in my arms I wasn’t missing anything anymore. My heart so badly wanted to have a family with Sarah, now that I was here watching her with the other baby while I held Joon, there was nothing else I wanted in the whole world.

We took some pictures just us boys playing and having fun before we swapped and took pictures of me and the girl while Sarah and Joon took their own pictures. After they did some of just the kids alone and some of just me and Sarah. Having her in my arms made my heart race and the way she looked into my eyes made me feel like things were right where they needed to be. The last photos taken were a group photo of us, one with all four of us and one with just us and the girl baby and then us with just Joon. When we were finally done I thanked Ji Soo for everything and told her the clothes were amazing. She told us to keep the clothes as they were her gift to us.

About a week later the pictures were released and were put into some clothing catalogs. Sarah was over the moon about the pictures and was often seen talking to the other girls around the studio about the photoshoot. Everyone in the studio was so in love with Joon and it was nice to see the atmosphere change a bit with the new addition to the family. Even Chase had a Cha Cha beat jacket made up for the little guy. The day he gave it to Joon he walked him proudly through the studio like a proud uncle saying Joon was going to take up beat making like his uncle Chase and that he couldn’t wait to teach him how to dance when he finally was able to walk. He had us all laughing and Sarah was rolling her eyes as what Chase was saying.

It was a day off for me and instead of sitting at home I had decided to drop by and see my parents. I walked in and gave my mom hug who was making something for dinner.

“Jay darling those pictures were just adorable! All the other women at the garden club were telling me how cute you looked with little Joon. They said I needed to hurry up and marry you off so you can give me another grandbaby. They even mentioned how much Joon could even pass off as your own son had they not known who he was.”

“Mom all babies look the same at this age, those old ladies don’t know what they are talking about.”

“Whatever you say darling. Go have a seat while I finish supper, your father should be here soon.”

I walked over to the couch and sat down, I went to reach for the remote on the coffee table when I noticed the magazine with our pictures opened up and sitting next to an old photo album. I lifted the album up and started going through the pictures. They started off of just my parents when they were younger and then the pictures were of my mom with her pregnant belly. Of course, the pictures that followed that were all of me at various ages. I stopped on one of me sitting on the ground with a stuffed dog sitting in front of me, I was smiling up at whoever was taking the picture, I looked to be about the same age as Joon in the picture. The comments I was hearing that I pushed away about Joon were starting to get to me. I picked up the magazine and flipped to the picture of me holding Joon and I brought the magazine next to my photo and looked at them side by side. Joon when I first met him looked so much like Sarah but as he had grown his features were slowly changing. Comparing the pictures side by side I could see why people would say we looked similar. He had my eyes and my hair while his nose was all Sarah but the lips were identical to mine. I sat the magazine down along with the album and just stared at the nothing thinking. Before Sarah had left I asked her if there was anyone else and she had said no, I know for a fact Gray had never slept with her. So unless she lied or met someone else in the states and had Joon extremely early which she couldn’t possibly have done because he was so big and healthy….he had to be mine. I shot up from the couch and told my mother good bye before running out of the door and making my way to the studio.

It might have been my day off but everyone else was there working which included Sarah. I parked my car and walked in making a b line for her room. I didn’t even bother knocking and walked right in happy to find her alone going over some things.

“Jay, what’s up? I thought today was your day off?”

“I need you to be honest with me.”

“Honest about what?”

“Joon.”

“Jay….”

“Is Joon mine?”

“Jay I…”

“IS JOON MINE!” I screamed at her not caring if other people in the studio heard me.

“Yes.”

I felt my heart drop and I walked over to the couch to sit down as I suddenly felt really light headed.

“Jay I had planned on telling you.”

“When? When he was all grown up and didn’t need a dad in his life?”

“No, I was going to tell you sooner.”

“What after I miss all his first things, his first step, his first word. I already missed his first day in this world, I missed his first cry and his first crawl.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“It’s simple, you pick up your phone and call me. It’s really not that hard.”

“Yes it is.”

“No its not Sarah, how long did you know? Did you know before you left? Is that why you left? Were you hoping to never have to see me? Hoping to take my child and run away?”

“No it’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like because right now that’s exactly how it looks like.”

“I found out when I was sick and Gray took me to the hospital. I couldn’t tell you then because of the mess we were all in. It wouldn’t have been right. We were so toxic to each other back then. Had I told you then I would never have been able to leave.”

“Damn right you wouldn’t have been able to, because I would never have let you leave with my child!”

“Exactly why I didn’t tell you, had I stayed things would only have gotten worse.”

“You don’t know that Sarah, things could have gotten better for all of us. Joon could have been the one to bring us all together. Look at how things are now that he is here, we are all so much closer. Things could have been like that.”

She got up from her chair and walked towards me and sat down trying to reach for my hand. I pulled away and stood up.

“No Sarah you fucked up big time. You had no right to keep this from me, I deserved to have known from the get go. It was might right and you took that away from me.”

“Jay I am sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t bring back the time I have lost with my son.”

I could see the tears well up in her eyes and I shook my head not wanting to see her cry and left the room. I needed space from her.

Sarah

I hadn’t heard or seen Jay around the studio for two days now. I tried to call him but every time I was sent to voicemail. I found Gray working and told him that Jay finally knew of Joon and that I had kept the fact that Gray knew a secret.

“He doesn’t need to know that part Gray, I don’t ever want him knowing. You can’t ever tell him that.”

“I won’t say a thing, how are you holding up otherwise?”

“I will be fine, this was going to happen eventually and I am just happy it happened now. The only thing I want to work on is my music. Jay can take all the time he needs.”

“He will come around, he loves that kid too much already and that was before he found out it was really his son.”

I nodded my head and thanked him for taking the time to talk to me. I went back to my room and finished what I was working on earlier that day. I could and should have stayed later to get a head start on the next song but I was too mentally exhausted to concentrate on work. I was just saving everything when Jay walked into my room and went and sat down on the couch. I finished turning everything off before I went and sat down next to him.

“Jay…”

“I am still very much upset over this Sarah. God you have no idea how much this hurts.”

“I can imagine.”

“Can you? Can you really imagine the pain I have been in since you left and then to finally have you back only for this to come out of nowhere? Sarah you don’t understand how much I love you. When you left I felt like there was nothing left for me here. I wanted to hop on the first flight back to Seattle and work from that office just so I could still be close to you but knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. Every single day you were gone I thought about you all the time, the only thing that kept me going was the pictures you posted on social media. Being able to see you smiling and happy made things a little more bearable. But then you came back and I thought that this could be a new beginning, then the picture came out of you with Joon. My heart broke knowing that you might already have a new person in your life and that I would never have my chance. But you didn’t, you said his dad wasn’t in the picture and I thought there still might be a chance. The more I saw you with Joon the more I wanted to be there too. I wasn’t immune to his charms and he had me under his little baby spell. Of course, now I know where he gets that little charm from.”

I paused and heard her chuckle a little at my joke. I looked at her and took her hand in mine.

“I get why you kept this from me, but it still doesn’t hurt any less. I really do wish you had told me sooner. I missed out on so much but I won’t be missing out anymore. I need to be in his life Sarah, he is my son and I don’t want to miss out on things. Of course, I still love you with all my heart and I hate what we went through to get here but there is nothing I can do about it now. All I can say is that I won’t ever make those same mistakes again, I just want to make you and Joon happy. Will you give me that chance?”

“I don’t know Jay, I mean I want you in his life yes but as for us I just don’t know.”

I reached my hand up and cupped her cheek, “We can take things as slowly as you need to, but I need you in my life just as much as I need Joon.”

She nodded her head yes and I smiled before leaning in to give her a soft kiss on the lips. I pulled back and wiped the tears that were slowly falling from her eyes and smiled at her. This was going to be a new start for us and I vowed to never let anything come between us again.

6 months later

Sarah

The room was filled with laughter and love as I walked around thanking everyone for coming. Today was Joon’s first birthday celebration and Jay went all out for it. I spotted Gray walking in with a rather beautiful girl on his arms. She had her silver hair lightly curled and wore a cute blue dress that matched the color of Gray’s shirt. I walked up to Gray and gave him a hug.

“Gray and who might this enchanting woman be?”

“Sarah this is Rylie…my fiancé.”

My jaw dropped in shock and I looked back and forth from him to the woman standing next to him.

“Oh my god congratulations! This is such good news!”

I pulled him back in for a hug before releasing him and pulling Rylie into a hug.

“Welcome to the family Rylie!”

“Thank you.”

I let the two of them go off to find their spots as I made my way to Jay who was walking to the front of the room holding Joon. It was time for Joon to pick his item for the Dojabi. On the table in front of him were 8 objects, a microphone, handcuffs, a gable, a stethoscope, a calculator, a little basketball, an apple, and a book. Everyone was laughing and cheering Joon on as Jay walked him back and forth across the items. I was hoping he would pick the gable while of course Jay hoped for the microphone. I wasn’t surprised to see him reach for the apple because that was his favorite food but when he reached out and hovered over the gable my heart raced at the thought of having my little guy becoming a judge. My dreams were shot down when his hand then went to the microphone and picked it up to put it in front of Jay’s mouth.

The group cheered and pictures were snapped as Jay twirled him around clearly pleased that he had picked the item he wanted him to. We spent the rest of the party walking around and listening to people comment about how much Jay and Joon looked so good together. Jay’s parents were very happy to be there and took turns showing Joon off. We eventually had gotten around to telling his parents the truth and they were mad at us but eventually let it go because they had another grandchild in their life. We were sitting down to eat that day and Jay’s mom had made the comment that she knew right away that it was Jay’s son but didn’t want to say anything.  I was just happy to have everything out and in the open about Joon.

Finally, the party ended and instead of going home with my dad, Joon and I went back to Jay’s apartment to relax. Joon had fallen asleep on the car rid there so Jay carried him upstairs and laid him down in the bedroom he had set up for him. He came back out and asked if I wanted anything to drink or eat and I just asked for some water. He brought two water bottles to the couch and sat down handing me mine. I thanked him and leaned my head on his shoulder.

“That was such a fun party.”

“It was, I can’t wait for him to start talking.”

“Jay just because he picked the microphone doesn’t mean he will be a singer.”

“You never know.”

I laughed and closed my eyes.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

“Grab the remote and we will see what’s on.”

I reached down and opened the drawer on the coffee table. I was ready to grab the remote when a little black box with a red bow on it caught my attention. I picked it up and turned it around.

“Jay what’s this?”

“Oh how did that get there, I thought I put that someplace else. I was going to give that to you later, just a thank you gift for being such an amazing mom to our son. For carrying him and making sure he was born a nice happy healthy baby.”

“Aww thank you baby, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Open it, I wanna know if you like it.”

I gave him a kiss on the lips before I opened the box. Inside was the most breath-taking ring I had ever seen. My jaw practically fell on the floor and my eyes bugged out, I looked up from the ring to Jay’s smiling face.

“I know this isn’t the most romantic way but I don’t want to spend another day without you and Joon. I know I see you guys every day but I want things to be official. I want to be able to call him my son in public and you my wife. Sarah will you do me the honor and become my wife?”

I threw my arms around Jay and cried into his neck nodding my head before shouting yes over and over. Jay pulled away from me and grabbed the box from me taking the ring and sliding it on my finger.

“Do you like it?”

“Jay I love it!”

“Good because it was special made so I would hate to have to return it.”

“You could have given me a ring out of a claw machine and I would have loved it because it meant that you would be mine forever.”

“Well damn, had I known that I would saved me some money.”

“Shut up Jay Park.”

I pulled him back kissing him with everything I had. Everyone always said love was hard and it was painful. But to be stung by love was the most rewarding thing ever to happen to me and I would never want to change it.

[vanessa-0188]

I feel like you make up stuff for attention. Like there's ALWAYS something going on with you to make others feel bad for you.

I wish you'd messaged me with your URL so I could answer this privately, but alas... For clarity, and transparencies sake I'm going to clue you in on a little bit about my life story.I was born at 24 weeks gestation to teenage parents who, frankly, weren't ready to be parents (though I don't know what teens WOULD be). My mom got her shit together pretty rapidly after I was born; my dad was a different story but we'll jump back to him in a second.I, because of premature birth, was born with two underlying conditions that have caused the rest of my health problems. I am not a medical professional, so I am going to google/copy-paste the definition of these conditions here, and then relay to you how they've informed my life.1. Cerebral Palsy: While Cerebral Palsy (pronounced seh-ree-brel pawl-zee) is a blanket term commonly referred to as “CP” and described by loss or impairment of motor function, Cerebral Palsy is actually caused by brain damage. The brain damage is caused by brain injury or abnormal development of the brain that occurs while a child’s brain is still developing — before birth, during birth, or immediately after birth.Cerebral Palsy affects body movement, muscle control, muscle coordination, muscle tone, reflex, posture and balance. It can also impact fine motor skills, gross motor skills and oral motor functioning. (Source: cerebralpalsy.org)2. VATER Syndrome: VACTERL or VATER association is an acronym used to describe a series of characteristics which have been found to occur together... Babies who have been diagnosed as having VACTERL association usually have at least three or more of these individual anomalies. There is a wide range of manifestation of VACTERL association so that the exact incidence within the population is not exactly known, but has been estimated to occur in one in 10,000 to 40,000 newborns. (Source: cincinnatichildrens.org)Cerebral Palsy has left me permanently wheelchair bound (I have 0% walking or standing capabilities), and sometimes causes me motor issues with my hands (I.E. they shake during activities, are never fully non-spastic). As far as VATER I've tried to spare myself a little dignity by omitting the exact definition of the acronym, but google it for your own knowledge if you'd like; I don't have all of the conditions in the acronym, but this syndrome has caused me a lifetime of debilitating gastro-intestinal issues, furthered orthopedic problems, and most damningly- it KILLED my left kidney completely when I was two days old. Suffice it to say my life has never been medically easy.I mentioned before that my dad never really got his shit together to be a dad. My parents never had a formal custody agreement. But my mom did what she thought was right in trying to give my little brother and I opportunity to maintain a relationship with our dad. She'd drop us off with him at our paternal grandmothers house every-other weekend. I could sit here and tell you countless stories of abuse and neglect, but I'll just give you dear-old-dad's greatest-hits:* 1:00a.m. one night when I'm about eight years old (this would make my brother about four). My dad has friends over playing dominoes and drinking. We're awake still. I pipe up, "dad, we're tired, please take us to bed...", He threw a pillow and my head and said "if you're so damn tired make beds for you and [your brother] on the floor. When I protested he came over, knocked me down to a laying position, got inches from my face and screamed "shut the fuck up!"* Again, another friend-gathering. I really REALLY had to pee. He was in the bathroom on the phone. I waited HOURS for him to come out (there was only one bathroom I could use, and I needed his help). When his friends begged him to come help me. I ended up having an accident on the floor. He violently shoved my nose in it like a dog.I never told my mom or teacher or grandparents about any of this because I didn't know any better; I thought that was what all dads did. Until I was 10.* At age 10, on my dads birthday, we wanted to have a dinner for him. My mom obliged, inviting him to our apartment. It was also Super Bowl Sunday... he agreed to come over after he watched the game with his friends. My brother and I were so excited- we made cards and helped my mom bake a cake. That night we picked my dad up from a friends house, drove through and got dinner, and on the way home he and my mom started arguing. We got inside, they served us dinner, my mom set me up on a dining chair to eat, and they went to her room to "talk". Sometime later I heard violent screaming, and instructed my brother to go investigate. I'm sparing my own-psyche and the dignity of the other victims by withholding too-many details but that ended in holes in walls, my mom almost dying in front of me, injuries to my brother,a grade-three concussion for myself, and threats of death for us all by gun violence.I didn't talk to my dad again til I was 22. At that time I was struggling emotionally, longing for a relationship with him, and there were growing-pains at home as I was a young-adult who wanted to live a certain way that didn't conform with my moms house-rules. My dad and I had been in contact again for a short time. After a heated argument with my mother and stepfather (she married when I was 13), my father offered to let me stay with him. Things were great living there, until* One night he decided to push my boundaries, taking a trivial disagreement over taxes and house payments of all things, and bringing my mother into it. My anxiety flaired, and I tried to flee to my room. He followed me, grabbed me by the wheelchair, and held me in place, grabbing my hands and imploring me to hit him. He continued antagonizing me for hours, at one point when I called my mother terrified for my life, he taunted her as well. Through ingenious planning by Sheriffs and family, I was saved with only a split bottom lip and chipped-tooth.(And I guess I should note here that my sperm-donor of a biological father has spent time in jail for abusing us.)I spent time after that trying to heal my soul. Got to a good place in life where I was happy. Moved to my own assisted-living apartment. Then my bladder failed, resulting in me needing a permanent catheter. A month later my remaining kidney failed, resulting in my need for dialysis (for your reference, "The main purpose of dialysis is to help impaired renal function. When your kidneys are damaged, they are no longer able to remove wastes and excess fluid from your bloodstream efficiently. Wastes such as nitrogen and creatinine build up in the bloodstream. If you have been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (CKD), your doctor will have these levels carefully monitored. Before dialysis, patients often felt weak and ill. Dialysis brings relief from these symptoms. This is the primary benefit of dialysis.Dialysis is done by using a special fluid called dialysate. Dialysate, a mixture of pure water and chemicals, is carefully controlled to pull wastes out of your blood without removing substances your body needs. A semipermeable membrane (one with microscopic holes that allow only certain types of particles to pass through) keeps the blood apart from the dialysate. This membrane lets the wastes and fluid in your blood flow through into the dialysate. Your blood cells and larger molecules, like protein that you need, cannot fit through the holes. There are two main types of kidney dialysis: hemodialysis (HD) and peritoneal dialysis (PD). [Source: DaVita]). I do hemodialysis: three days a week, four hours each time, I go to my dialysis clinic where they hook me up to my dialysis machine. My blood is filtered through a catheter that has been surgically connected to my heart. As I mentioned in my concert post, this process makes me vomit, and can sometimes induce symptoms that make me feel like I'm having a heart-attack. I'm on the transplant list, but due to my various GI surgeries I may not be a viable candidate. Time will tell. If not, I will have to do dialysis for the rest of my life.I had a best friend who, due to things that were my own fault, I've now lost my friendship with. In areas where I lacked support, she was my number one. This loss has been so hard in conjunction with my health issues; I'm grieving it right now.So yes, I'm aware it seems there's always something; that's because unfortunately there is. My life is messy, and complicated as hell. I'm very emotional, and I require a lot of support- something I'm not afraid to reach out for here on tumblr (even if it's in the form of fic distractions). If that bothers you, please scroll by- and if you feel the need to say something on anon, it's probably best left unsaid.Oh, and because we're at this point where you've got me airing dirty laundry, I'll be posting picture proof of some medical problems in my next post (I'm on mobile so I can't do it here 😉)Love Always,Vanessa

[apexart-journal]

Mimi Lipson in Montevideo, Day 15

First thing: Leo Masliah is not the Uruguayan Randy Newman. I spent a while trying to think of what the right comparison would be, and then I realized that it was impossible and also pointless. 

So look, see, this is the red light I mentioned before. First stirrings of pleasure: Teatro Solis on a rainy night.

The theater seemed really, for lack of a better description, French, to me. I imagined I was at a performance by Zola’s Nana. 

The photo does not do justice to the gorgeous house lights--clusters of torch bulbs scattered across the balconies that dimmed and then glowed again when the show was over. The top balcony, by the way, was traditionally called the “hen house” because someone said the rabble up there in the cheap seats looked like chickens. Children of Paradise is a nicer term.

So, Leo Masliah.

We got Leo at the piano playing his own complicated, sideways compositions; Leo accompanied by various other musicians singing songs with nonsense words that were sung in rounds; Leo standing at a mike telling a shaggy dog story that was funny even though I didn’t know what he was saying, because his expression did not betray a trace of comedy; Leo playing Bach and singing words that my date, Augustin, who is a superfan, told me were about the most ordinary things like, I don’t remember, maybe putting your shoes on. One song was about ham, how this ham is so good because the pigs were kiiled by... and then they sang a long list of names. Augustin said his songs are full of conceptual tricks. I wish very much that I understood them. There was a kind of Brechtian sound, I guess, to a lot of the music--like, that there as a dark undertone to the absurdity, and a vertiginous way of alternating from one type of music to another within a song. The staging was strange and dreamlike, with people wandering on stage and picking up their instruments as though Leo had telepathically summoned them. He read a poem composed of anagrams, with a projection. I found a video of the poem and the projection:

Augustin tried his best to convey the essence of Leo--how he can play songs note-for-note in reverse, and how he torments interviewers by maintaining a citadel-like wall of deadpan. I would say that Leo Masliah appears to be a prodigy and a scamp and a magician and a clown and sui generis.

 So I had a fine time, and Augustin and I had a beer after and hit it off just great. And guess what: his sisters are Lucia (my date for the zarzuela) and Stella (my date for the murga)! The plot thickens. Javier often thoughtfully leaves these connections for me to unearth myself. I will have hit the town with every one of Valentina’s relatives by the time I’m done here.

It was another late night, and I had to be up somewhat early to observe surgery at the Hospital de Clinicas. I discovered to my delight that I’d be reporting to the monumental building across from the stadium that I admired so much!

 It is indeed an enormous hospital. I wasn’t sure how to get to the main entrance, and I ended up in a rutted dirt parking lot that looked like it went to maybe a salvage lot but definitely not a hospital, but I ran into a medical student who was going my way, so we hopped between small lakes (it has been raining since yesterday). He told me some of the floors of the hospital are empty. It is the main public hospital and the only teaching hospital in Uruguay, built in the 1950s—which was a lot later than I would have guessed.

We ended up here.

Don’t privatize!

The lobby of the hospital reminded me of—I don’t know—a Romanian train station circa 1979? Love love love.

Artigas, inevitably.

I was supposed to call Gonzalo, my surgery guide, when I got to the hospital, but I had some problems with the phone. I think I ran out of time on the SIM card, but the message I was getting was in Spanish. While I was figuring this out, WhatsApping Javier, and simultaneously borrowing a lady’s phone, I was getting text messages from Ronnie Decker, who was to show me around the British Cemetery later in the day. 

This phone has completely bested me. It does not respond to my swipes and pokes until it over-responds, sending me down maddening decision trees unable to navigate back in whatever app or function I’m trying to use. I have never felt like such a senior citizen. 

But it all worked out, and Gonzalo arrived in the lobby—along with a medical student named Maria Eugenia, who speaks more English. For some reason I though Gonzalo was a surgeon, and that I’d be viewing a surgery he was performing. Not so. He is an anesthesiologist, for one thing, and I wasn’t there to observe him. The three of us took and elevator to the 18th floor. 

This floor where is the medical students take naps, according to Maria Eugenia, and it’s also above a complex of operating rooms. This, amazingly, is what the galleries look like. I can’t even. 

We hopped from gallery to gallery looking at a few different surgeries. Maria Eugenia is specializing in anesthesiology as well. She and Gonzalo explained what types of anesthesia the different patients were getting and why. She showed me this app that helps them determine the proper levels of sedatives, and how to bring people out of anesthesia at the rate you want, etc. 

I heard some more about the medical system, and about medical training, and how anesthesiology is exciting because there are so many types. You can sedate people or put them under or use local anesthetic, etc.

While this was going on, Ronnie was trying to call me, but I didn’t realize. I keep missing calls because the ringtone was set to a serene little song that is easily muffled in the depths of my bag. (I finally got around to changing it, so I hope it doesn’t continue to be a problem.) There were also some text messages from him. Javier had replenished my SIM card, and I was trying to figure out how to call him when he called me, which keeps happening, and which for some reason really rattles me. I’d expected Ronnie to be British, I guess because of his name, and I was surprised to hear Uruguayan-accented English on the other end of the line. 

This hospital would be a great location for a horror movie, or any kind of movie. There are balconies with what have to be some of the best views in Montevideo. You can see the stadium.

 I am so, so, so happy I got to see what was inside. If I had the whole day, I would not have tired of this place. 

As for the surgeries, I actually didn’t see anything that gruesome. I would come back again for sure. You feel kind of dirty, though. Like a peep show.

One of the patients really made me sad. She’s suffering from kidney disease and needs dialysis, but her artery line has become infected. She looked so ill. Her fingers were grey. I could not bring myself to photograph her. I hope she makes it, but I had a very bad feeling.

From the operating room to the grave. My bus didn’t come, so I decided to walk to another bus, about halfway to the cemetery. I walked past the old zoo. Javier told me that the animals are still there, and they’re waiting for everyone to die of old age so they can do something else with the property. So I felt kind of solemn walking past it.

These were the only animals I saw.

It’s actually quite warm, but the gloomy weather today made it feel like fall, finally.

So anyhow I waited at the British Cemetery for a while and then got a call from Ronnie, and we discovered that we were miles apart. In the confusion, I missed the fact that he was saying he would meet me at the Cementerio Central, which is not the one we were supposed to go to. He suggested maybe a concert tonight or tomorrow night, but I had to explain that my schedule was not under my control. I felt a genuine pang, standing in the wet cemetery and realizing that we’d missed our connection. I can’t really account for it. I wanted very much to have his company here. Maybe it’s travel fatigue, or maybe I was still holding onto the idea that I would have another outsider to talk to.

[thatwanderingwriter]

92 Truths

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself, then tag 25 people

Tagged by my cyclone - @redrackham87 

LATEST…

[1] Drink: black currant fanta [2] Telephone call: dani [3] Text message: reagan [4] Song you heard:  “pieces” by andrew belle [5] What do you think?: well my general opinion on life is that everyone tries too hard, but I’m sure that’s not what you meant

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] How do you do it?: maybe it’s maybelline [7] He has cheated on you: do you mean my celebrity crush? because yes, he’s gone out with other girls and not me [8] He kissed someone and lamented: i’m sure, because he’s never actually spoken to me [9] How do you do? f(reaked out) i(nsecure) n(eurotic) e(motional) [10] Depressed: eh, it comes and goes [11] Got drunk and thrown up: never been drunk

LIST THREE PREFERRED COLORS …

[12] bright blue [13] black  [14] lavender

IN THE PAST YEAR…

[15] made new friends: yes, and they’ve really helped me. they made life more bearable and made me see i wasn’t entirely alone [16] fallen in love: with the people here [17] laughed until you cried: yep, quite frequently  [18] discovered that someone was talking about you: yes. i hear “mzungu” everywhere i go and it’s not fun [19] met someone who changed you: the mother of four who was dying of aids yet still forgave her husband for leaving her with the kids when she was extremely sick. i’ll never forget that [20] discovered who your real friends are: when you move halfway around the world and only 3 people semi keep in touch, yeah, you tend to realize [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: lol, no

GENERAL…

[22] How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ...all of them? if you mean do i still keep in touch or regularly see them, no. i don’t really even use fb anymore [23] Do you have any pets? 16 chickens, 7 cows, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a partridge in a pear tree [24] Do you want to change your name: i always thought it’d be cool when i was younger, but then i wouldn’t be an abstract concept and it’s grown on me also i feel like everyone i know will continue to call me hope anyways, or like “that person formerly known as hope” so... [25] What did you do for your last birthday? went to the nearest big town and had a small get together

[26] What time did you wake up? this section says “general”, so i’ll go with anywhere  from 5:45 to 7:00 on any given day [27] What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping. i’ve been sleep deprived this whole week and i needed the rest [28] Name something you can’t wait for: flying back home [29] When was the last time you saw your mother? like 3 hours ago?? [30] What is one thing that you wish you could change in your life: sometimes i wish i didn’t care so much or overthink things. it’d make my life way less complicated. but then other days i’d just say my hair color, probably [31] What are you listening to right now: the waves of lake victoria crashing against the beach outside my window. also some birds. natural nature sounds are the best [32] Have you ever spoken to a person named Tom?: he is my grandfather and lives 100 feet away so yes. [33] Something that is getting on your nerves: the fact that MY PHONE FREAKING STOPPED WORKING AND I HAVE 1 MONTH UNTIL I CAN GET A NEW ONE!!! [34] Most visited website: ao3 tbh [35] Elemental: earth

[36] High school: did you mean: homeschool [37] School: of repressing my feelings and acting like everything’s fine [38] Hair Color: i’m pretty sure the shade is called  dirty blonde, but that’s because i haven’t been to a salon in 2 years. it’s literally the first thing to go when i get back. i need it darker   [39] Long or short hair: long and curly, which means it’s actually super long [40] Do you have a crush on someone: who don’t i have a crush on is the correct question here. but they’re mainly celebrities or fictional characters

[41] What do you like about yourself: that i continue to try even when i’ve messed up before [42] Piercings: one in each ear, but i want to get a second set [43] Type of blood: a+ [44] Nicknames: anyango, nyakwar kadem [45] Marital status: i’m a single pringle that’s ready to stay inside and binge watch on netflix

[46] Zodiac sign: aries [47] Pronouns: she/her [48] Fav television program: it’s cute you think there’s just one. anything marvel really. i like fantasy, sci-fi, crime shows, some superhero shows, comedy. there’s too many to name [49] Tattoos: my dad would kill me no matter how old i was [50] Right or left hand: i always wanted to be ambidextrous, but any 3 year old can write better than my left hand

FIRST…

[51] surgery: tubes in my ears when i was 3  [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: i think my first best friend was natalie [54] sport: gymnastics when i was 3 [55] vacation: mexico, age 4  [56] pair of coaches: i’m guessing this is for sports again? i can’t remember their names, but there were these 2 super nice ladies teaching my gymnastics class

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nutella out of the jar (don’t judge, we all do it) [58] drinking: water [59] I’m about to: start preparing for something i have to do tomorrow. as usual, i’ve procrastinated  [60] listening to: the waves still [61] waiting: for my life to chill (wishful thinking, right)  [62] wanting: a veggie burger and coffee milkshake  [63] getting married: eventually [64] career: doctor or author. can’t decide

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: there’s no cure like a really good hug from the right person when  you need it [66] lips or eyes: both are just so expressive. [67] shorter or taller: taller so he doesn’t lean on me [68] major or minor: i don’t really get this, but i’m going to guess you mean music. as most songs are in major chords, that’s probably the majority of what i like [69] romantic or spontaneous: imo, they’re the same thing  [70] good arms or good stomach: okay but here’s the thing, tom hiddleston  [71] sensitive or strong: yes [72] connection or connection: are there words missing here?  [73] troublemaker or hesitant: neither

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger?: nope [75] drank strong liquor?: no [76] lost glasses / contact lenses? not yet [77] rejected someone?: yes [78] had sex on the first date?: i haven’t period  [79] broken someone’s heart?: i doubt it [80] had you heart broken?: quite a bit, yes [81] been arrested?: no [82] cried when someone died?: yes [83] fallen for a friend?: yes. do not recommend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself?: i can do a lot of things right and be happy with myself for a day, then do one thing wrong and ruminate over it for weeks. i do try to believe in myself. sometimes it’s just really hard [85] miracles?: yes i believe in miracles. where you from, you sexy thang [86] love at first sight?: yeah, just not for me. someone can look/seem nice and be really terrible. there are also crushes at first sight. but those never turn out the way you want them to [87] father christmas?: i never actually believed in santa, even as a kid [88] kissing on the first date?: depends on if i know them really well before. if not, no  [89] angels?: yes

OTHER…

[90] Name of the current best friend: luz, and i’m so excited to see her again soon [91] Eye color: i joke that i have mood eyes, but it’s really true. some days they lean towards green or grey, but on most they’re a variant of blue [92] Favorite movie: avengers (and anything marvel), penelope, rodger’s and hammerstein’s cinderella, jane eyre, star wars, clueless, the fault in our stars, in time, around the world in 80 days, (500) days of summer, etc. (this is not a “one movie to rule them all” type of situation here. you’ll never make me choose. NEVEEERRRRRRR)

dang, that was a lot. i really don’t know who to tag, so if you want to do it, go ahead.