#the sucky thing is that as much as i'd want to change my real legal name - finnish name laws are stupid and we barely have good enby names

[the-kipsabian]

feeling weirdly validated about my chosen name and pronouns today mmm

[friendlytacosyumyum]

pairing: armin arlert x gn!reader

type: fic

wc: 1.2k

tw: mentions of religious practices, christianity/catholicism, calling things "cult-like"/calling religion a cult, swearing, panic attacks

a/n: projecting because i'm having to do religion stuff that i don't want to and i want armin to comfort me. lowercase intended, i'm in too much of a shitty mood to care. promise i'm working on the requests- life is hard rn

you were sitting in the pew with the rest of your group, blankly listening as the priest talked for what seemed to be the millionth time that day about jesus this and jesus that.

if jesus was real, he wouldn't make me go through this hell, you thought.

your religion had been one of the main sources of your anxiety since you were little. for as long as you could remember, just stepping foot in a church was enough to make your heart race and your palms sweat. it wasn't that you didn't believe in your religion- you didn't, but it was more how your mother and father forced you to be a part of it.

a shitty promise years ago, made when they got married, was why you were sitting here, waiting for your three-day retreat to end. your father wasn't even religious, and it wasn't like the contract was legally binding- so why were you here?

you didn't realize you were crying until the rest of the world faded out to black and you heard someone talking.

"hey, why're you crying?"

you looked around in fear, wondering where you were.

where did everyone go...?

it was a welcome change from the homily you'd been listening to, but this wasn't much better. a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes was kneeling in front of you, and you yelped, backing up.

"don't worry, i won't hurt you," he said, putting his hands up.

pulling your knees to your chest, you sniffled, more tears slipping down your cheeks.

"where am i?" you asked quietly, trying to find a way to get out.

"i.. don't know. all of a sudden it was black, and now i'm here, and now you're here! which is great, you seem great, but i'm confused- why are you crying? who are you? where am i?"

you looked at him, wondering what to say.

"i could ask you the same thing," you mumbled, wiping at your eyes furiously to try and get the tears to stop.

"one minute i was in church, and now i'm here."

he nodded, a smile on his face despite the situation.

"i'm armin arlert! you can call me armin though. before this, i was with my friends!"

he seemed so happy to see you, even though he'd just met you.

"oh. i'm y/n. like i said, i was in church."

armin nodded again, switching to sitting instead of kneeling.

"what's church?" he asked, tilting his head. he reminded you of a puppy- eager to please and happy to be alive. there was a darker side though, you could sense he wasn't having the greatest time of his life either.

"church is where i go to pray to someone that may or may not have existed. today, we're having a cult meeting, called 'exposition'."

you rolled your eyes at the thought of having to do this tomorrow, with no phone and no distractions to save you.

"they tell us that we all suck because we're human, and the only way to go to heaven is if we beg for forgiveness from god."

armin made a face, letting you continue.

"i don't like it very much. it makes me anxious," you finished, squeezing your eyes shut to clear your head of the previous half hour.

"then why do you go?" he asked, eyes widening.

he had pretty eyes, you decided.

"my parents make me. i don't get a choice- but if i got to choose, i'd spend my weekends at home instead of at church."

"oh," armin said, nodding again.

"well, i don't think it's worth crying over, y'know? if it's only for a few days, then i believe in you!"

he smiled at you, tugging at a strand of his hair thoughtfully.

"but if it's really that bad, maybe you should try to tell your parents about it? i mean, i've been in sucky situations before, but i don't really know what 'god' is, so i can't say much."

you stared at him, thinking.

"why are you so happy to be here? you got ripped away from your friends and now you're here with me, who's a mess because someone told me god existed."

saying those words alone were almost enough to make you cry. you barely remembered what had been happening before you ended up in this empty space with armin, but it hadn't been good. your breathing had been too fast, and you were pretty sure you were having some sort of panic attack. they'd said exposition was going to invoke emotions, but no one noticing while you were clearly in distress brought out a different kind of pain- one you didn't know you could feel.

"because!" armin said, smiling again.

"you're sad! and i don't think you should be sad, so i want to make you happy again! besides, you seem like a nice person, someone who shouldn't have to cry because their parents won't step in."

you smiled at that. a tiny smile, yes, but a smile all the same.

"your friends must be lucky," you murmured, closing your eyes for a second.

the latin words from the 'mass' (it wasn't an official one, not really) were flooding your brain, taking over. the chanting and singing had been enough to make you scared, just like usual. with less people and no music, it had been one of the creepiest things you'd ever done.

"what if-" you started, then stopped.

"what if i can't get through tomorrow?" you asked, not sure what armin would say. what were you supposed to say to someone having a breakdown?

he thought for a minute, saying nothing at first, and you began to get worried.

what if there's no solution? what if, tomorrow, i freak out in front of everyone and they send me home?

"then i'll come back!" he said, startling you.

"you'll... come back? why?"

armin grinned, standing up and offering you a hand.

"you shouldn't have to be sad! i'll make you happy, don't worry!"

you took his hand and stood up, watching the way he spread his arms out protectively. the stupid pose made you giggle a little, and the anxiety you'd been feeling before was almost gone now.

"you will? how?"

he shrugged.

"i'll think really hard about you. i'll be like, 'y/n might be sad right now, i should check,' and it'll bring me back!"

he smiled again, and you felt your knees get a little weak.

he's pretty, you thought.

"okay, armin. i'll think about you when i'm sad and try to come back," you answered, smiling a little.

"armin? hello? anyone in there?" a voice called. you both jumped, and he looked at you sheepishly.

"those are my friends," he said, turning to head towards the voices.

"i'll see you tomorrow?" you asked, not wanting him to leave just yet.

he turned back, still smiling.

"of course! anything to see you smile!"

your shoulder slumped a little in relief, and as he disappeared, so did you, the black fading back into church. the ritual was almost over now, and you were smiling for once.

never thought i'd see the day where i smiled in a church.

you weren't sure if that was real- if any of it was real, really, but when you closed your eyes all you could see was the blonde boy with blue eyes and a pretty smile. you replayed his words over and over in his head, hoping that, no matter what, you'd see him tomorrow.