#the struggles of a hyperfixated adhd gamer furry

[iamarchived]

Vent // Struggling to Maintain Relationships

Yeah so I might be oversharing a bit, but fuck it

So I’ve noticed that I have a hard time maintaining relationships with people. Not because of toxicity issues or fights, but because of differences in likes and interests, lifestyle, personality, etc. It’s really frustrating and lonely. Anxiety doesn’t help either. My all-time biggest rule in life is the old “Be Yourself” quote. Authenticity is a super important aspect of my life. Problem is, when being yourself means having rapidly changing hyperfixations, overindulging in the retrowave/synthwave aesthetic (and just neon colors in general), and being very chatty and over-expressive as an individual with strong opinions, and wanting to do things that others would see as “childish” (i.e. go to those arcade/bowling alley/minigulf/lazer tag places, playing video games, watching movies, etc.), people tend to have a hard time connecting with you, and maintaining a connection is equally if not more difficult. Being a furry certainly doesn’t help either (the number of times I’ve had to explain that yes, I’m Demisexual (a form of Asexual), and that I’m a furry and that NO it’s not a fetish/sex thing ew gross why).

Being short (4′11″), plus my all-over-the-place personality (thanks ADHD), tends to lead to people treating me like a toddler they have to babysit, which is incredibly irritating as an adult. My fragility due to my osteogenesis imperfecta just adds a sense of “I have to make sure they don’t hurt themselves” and it leads to my family and even (somewhat former) friends treating me like a handicap.

Now that highschool is over, I’m looking back and seeing that I never had a real “friend group” until highschool. Never dated either (I had a few “boyfriends” but we never did anything couple-y. We just said we were dating but that was it. It ended quickly when I admitted I never really felt anything romantic towards them and just saw them as a friend). 

Now looking forward, my friends are leaving for college, going their own ways, and I’m losing touch with them. We only ever interact online now, which is hard for me because I put such a high value is physically spending time with people. I want to build pillow forts and watch movies, I want to take them to arcades/bowling alleys, I want to go to the park and hang out. But I don’t get to do those things now. They may not be out of my life completely, but they are physically, and I feel isolated.

I struggle with loneliness and isolation and my mental health tanks when I’m alone. I may live with my family, but I have zero relationships with them. I can’t stand my family and they don’t accept me. It leaves me feeling ignored, alone, and unappreciated.

At this point, I’m desperate for someone to so much as actively thinking of me without me having to prompt it. I need physical affection? I have to prompt it from others. Now I’m touch starved and sensitive to contact. I want to spend time with someone? I have to ask. Because no one’s going to actively think to ask me first. I don’t get asked to hang out or do things with people. The only time anyone thinks of me is when they want me for something, whether it be chores, work, or an opinion that has to do with them and not me.

I may not be able to get a relationship, partly because of my sexuality, but also because of just how eccentric I am, but at the very least I want friends. I want the kind of friends that become family. That are willing to walk the same path of life as you, but in their own way. Or invite you on their path of life in your way. People who actively want to be around me and want me around them. People who think of me and smile.

A found family.