#the startling thing for me w Amber and D*pp was how much he fixated on the technicality that she hit him
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tbh im hesitant around most attempts to like analyse fundamentals of abuse or something bc it's so intensely complicated and it matters who has the power in the relationship and that can be so difficult to even tell from a distance. like, abusive men LOVE to go ummm but she slapped me and yeah that sounds like abuse but then you realise that he was physically capable of killing her and she was constantly terrified for her life, and suddenly it feels different. or hearing that a strong, tall man lashed out at a woman sounds like he's abusing her, but what if he's disabled with high support needs and relies on her to eat and wash and leave the house, and she controls all his finances and interactions with others. you can frame these situations in infinitely different ways so attempts to standardise abuse criteria usually just hands the distinction over to whoever has the power to control the narrative while ppl believe theyre discerning something objectively based on facts
#ppl have a fixation w hitting and it makes u so easy prey for DARVO bc MOST ppl end up in some way laying a hand on their abuser in defense#the startling thing for me w Amber and D*pp was how much he fixated on the technicality that she hit him#without even.... trying to address the fact that like#she was clearly afraid he was going to snap and kill her#he never for a moment had that concern and I don't think he even tried to pretend he didl#like i just really think it makes a difference if ur being hit by someone who could easily overpower u or not#and that's not to say like a physically defenceless person can NEVER abuse a much stronger person#but like ur not going to get that from looking at a checklist of behaviours#bc it would be about other ways of control they have over that person#like that white girl who was physically abusive to her black boyfriend she had the social control tjay he could never defend himself#bc he would be the violent black man and probably police would get involved resulting in a danger to his life#which again is not something you would get solely from analysing the behaviour of the two individuals
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