#the stars may never again align for me to feel inspired to draw the characters

[gilly-moon]

Are you still creating PJO fanart?

I mean, not right now, no. I don't really control the comings and goings of my interests, so you might see more PJO fanart from me in three months or a year or never again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[writers-worst-nightmare]

Midnight Pleasures:

Pairing(s): Hinata x reader

What: smut

Warning(s): 18+, minors DO NOT INTERACT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, out of character Hinata, a LOT of cussing, me forgetting what the collab was about and having to smash it in the fanfiction in one sentence Because that’s cool

A/N: this is a rich boy collab with @bakugohoex

Word Count: 3,416

Page count: 9.7

Glossary:

y/n = your name

y/f/c = your favorite color

Summery: Hinata is a sub and y/n sucks him off

You weren’t a strange type of person! You weren’t strange at all! In fact, you would say that you where absolutely totally normal. But some people beg to differ.

They say how you will never get a man looking like that, or that you will never get far in life. Or how it was out of hand to want nothing to do with what people where talking about. It wasn’t your fault that you had literally no clue what was going on around you. You had no clue at all! You where like a lost puppy dog fleeing from it’s owner only to realize that the outside world was so much more curt and disgusting.

You didn’t have a lot to say to anybody in school, if you had anything to say you usually shut your mouth. Knowing the school they would probably just discard you as trash or a simp for somebody.

Simp

You hated that word

***

“HEY HINATA!!!” You looked up from your book to see one of your classmates, Hinata, swivel his head away from a TV screen. The screen was playing a volleyball game, but the person holding the remote quickly changed it back to professional ice skating. You looked up and glued your eyes to the screen, watching at each player skated with ease and smoothness. You ice skated also, and got pretty well known in ice skating, but you never thought twice about it. Once you where on the rink, your feet just got the best of you and you skated with little to no thoughts running through your head. The thoughts that usually hammered at your skull and then got almost infused in your brain stopped. Simply because you where ice skating. You loved the feeling of your skated skimming against the ice and the cheers of murmurs from the crowd.

“Y/n…aren’t you coming?” Hinata inquired, you looked up and saw the orange-haired boy stand in front of you. His arms reached out.

You had never been invited to something, especially someone by someone who is as well wealthy as Hinata. You smiled softly and accepted the hand that Hinata gave you.

It had been a rough year in high school for you, and you didn’t even want to go back to middle school drama. So you hoped that college would bring something out in you. Would bring you hope and fulfill your dreams that you had. To not only be the girl who ice skates but the girl who does something. The girl who never gives up, the girl who stands up for people, the girl who—

your thought where rudely cut off by Tanaka, a old friend of yours ramming his head into your chest. You fell back with a Yelp and rubbed your head slightly.

“God fucking dammit Tanaka! Would you leave her alone?!” Hinata spat at Tanaka, the bald male looked taken aback. When he was in high school he didn’t even cuss once (ok well maybe once or twice, but it was very rare for the boy to cuss).

“What are you? Her boyfriend?!” Tanaka challenged, you picked yourself up and began to open your mouth to argue but Hinata again interrupted you.

”So what if I am?!?! What’s it to you, Got a little crush on my girl?” Hinata countered, his brown oak eyes narrowed.

“Why don’t we all just calm down?” You suggested, placing a gentle hand between the two arguing boys. Of course they didn’t listen to you but instead kept on arguing. “WOULD YOU TWO JUST STOP IT?!” You screeched pushing both of them in the opposite direction.

Bout boys stared at you with wide eyes before Hinata awkwardly coughed to break some tension.

”Fuck off.” You sneered at Tanaka, suddenly feeling a overwhelming protection over the orange-haired boy. You wrapped gently hands around Hinata and dragged him away from Tanaka.

“Wow that was amazing y/n-Chan!” Hinata said in pure awe, you shrugged your shoulder and stared ahead. Not making eye contact with the male.

“It’s nothing, really,” you responded. “And also what the hell was that girlfriend thing about?!” You added, Hinata’s face blew up in a blushing mess before he grabbed your wrist and dragged you to the ice rink. Since the college that you went to was known for ice skating a lot of business owners thought it was wise to build a bunch of skating rinks around campus (and they where right to think that).

Once the two do you got to the skating rink Hinata sucked in a breath and pulled out a silver necklace that had a one skate on it. You furrowed your brow in confusion, looking at the silver necklace and looking at Hinata and back at the necklace.

“Don’t worry, you can take it!” Hinata reassured, placing the necklace in your hands. You gasped in shock as you stared at it more closely. Beautiful diamonds laid it on the skate. You put on the necklace, and smiled at Hinata.

“Thank you Hinata!” You exclaimed before hesitating. “But…why did you get me this? I am just a girl that goes to your college…” You asked.

”I admire you…” Hinata confessed before seeing your confused expression and continuing on. “I admire that you have a lot to say yet still keep a pocket face, some people may see that as a weakness but I don’t think it is…” You stared wide eyes at Hinata before tears started to prickle at the corners of your eyes.

“I love you…” you said as you higher Hinata tightly. Hinata hesitated before hugging you back. Curling up into the male of your neck and whispering.

”I love you too princess…”

***

That was how Hinata confessed to you, it had felt right for you. It had felt like the stars aligned perfectly.

You laid on the couch, relaxed and in a comfortable position where anything can happen. You where watching this new anime called Demon Slayer that Kiyoka recommend to you. Saying something along the lines of his hot the guys where. Honestly, you didn’t get the hype, but it was pretty entertaining and you didn’t have anything else better to do then to study and actually get work done so why the hell not? Little did you know a little short orange was about to attack you. That little short orange going by the name of Shoyo Hinata. He was annoying as fuck and you didn’t want him around. “BOO!” Hinata screamed on the top of his lungs, you jumped in fear and pulled out your knife and got ready to stab somebody. Your breath coming out in short puffs as you stared at the chocolate eyed boy.

“You shit head! I was at a scary scene!” You hissed, slapping Hinata on the back of his head like Tanaka’s Mom did to him from time-to-time when the team was over at the angry males house.

“Sorryyy!” Hinata wined, rubbing his head slightly as he mumbled some cussing under his breath. You rolled your y/e/c eyes before staring at the blonde again.

“What do you want?” You asked, annoyance filling your voice and clicking your judgement slightly. The screams of Tanjiro still ringing from the TV.

“Well I had this ADHD burst of energy and I will want to bake a cake but I can’t do it alone because if I do it alone then I will make a mess and then I will clean it up and then I will start cleaning and then—“ Hinata kept on rambling about this whole chain of effects that would happen if you didn’t bake with him. You rolled your eyes and stared him straight in his bright electric brown eyes. You paused for a moment, thinking of ways to shut the male up. An idea popped in your head as you smirked and grabbed the back of Hinata’s neck and drawing him towards your lips. Leaning in closer and kissing his slightly puffy lips. He was wearing the same cherry chapstick that you commented that smelled good before you noticed that Hinata liked you. You always guessed that this was a way for Hinata to get you to notice him. The fight for dominance went on for a few minutes before you took over and pushed him on his back against the couch. The boy gasped between the kiss, his eyes started to water a little at the sudden reaction. Before things to get out of hand you broke the kiss and smiled at Hinata. Keeping a poker face on as you pulled away and swiped away the drool that was connected the two of your mouth’s. You giggled a little, a cocky smile dragging across your face.

“Shut up…” You leaned in and whispered into Hinata’s ear, biting his ear lobe a little and giggling a little as Hinata choked back a moan that was forcing it’s way up his throat.

“Y-yes ma’am…” Hinata whimpered submissively, his lip quivering slightly as you let go of his ear and going towards the dorm room kitchen. Hinata followed you like a lost puppy dog, he would be a good little puppy. You chuckled slightly at the joke that you made up in your head.

“What type of cake do you want to bake?” You prompted, getting the pantry open and seeing what cake mixes you guy’s had and if you needed to go get in a car and drive to the gas ration at this God forbidden hour.

“Oooh chocolate!” Hinata cheered, a childish smile plastered across his face as he bounced up and down. You chuckled and looked across the pantry to see if you guy’s had any chocolate.

“Well,” you started to say, smacking you lips and staring at the pantry with a disappointment look on your face. “Crap.”

“What?”

”We don’t have any chocolate cake mix.”

“Shit.”

You closed the pantry door and went towards your dorm room to grabs out jacket and skateboard. “Wait dude, did you customize your skateboard?” Hinata asked in awe as he stared at your My Hero Acadmia inspired skateboard that had Deku painted on it. You nodded your head ‘yes’ and fully pulled on a y/f/c hoodie.

“Yeah, I started customizing skateboard’s.” You answered Hinata’s question fully and explained it. A smile on your face as you glanced back at the dark-orange haired male as he ran to grab his yellow hoodie and skateboard. His skate board looked plainer then yours but that is probably because he used it more then you did. You smiled brightly at Hinata before going outside of the dorms. Hinata spoked followed and the two of you started skating down the street.

”We should do this more!” Hinata exclaimed, a playful smirk on his face as he started to do more tricks on the skateboard. You laughed at Hinata and started video him for a tiktok. The tiktok was of him singing the lyrics of Alien Boy and having a blast of his time.

“You’re such a dork…” You scoffed as you stopped recording the tiktok and editing it. Not even having to look up to know the way where the gas station was.

“Can you send me the tiktok?” Hinata requested, you looked at him and gave him a ‘are you serious?’ Look before agreeing with a nod of your head and sending the tiktok to him the moment you posted it. You guy’s started to skate more, trying to impress the other by doing some more tricks. But soon, you got to the gas station and stopped the both of your skateboards and set hem down on the outside red brick wall. You and Hinata imminently went to the candy section and got some chocolate box cake along with some different flavors of monster. You bought for everything.

“Did you get everything you where looking for?” The cashier asked, looking at the two of you and smiling tiredly.

”Yeah we did, thanks!” You chirped, getting out your card and paying for the stuff. Hinata grabbed the monster and opened it up as you guy’s grabbed the skateboard the started heading out the front door. Laughing at dumb jokes that you guys cracked with each other.

Hinata and you started following the directions, baking the cake and putting it in the oven and setting the timer for a hour. “There!” You declared, pumping your fist up in the air. Luckily you guy’s could be as loud as you wanted due to the fact that it is Spring Break and everyone went to there parents house. Well everyone but you and Hinata. Your parents never wanted you to begin with, from the very start, they made it very clear that they didn’t want you. So why would you want to got there? Of course the team knows this. The plan was that everyone in the team (and some nekoma people) was going to stay so you won’t have to to alone in the dorms but everyone seemed to have plans.

Some model had a book signing contest so Kuroo just had to go catch up on that, he seemed to be very upset to at he left you and promised that he would call you every night and FaceTime you for hours upon hours. Well, you checked your phone every second it seemed for the past two days and still no sign of Kuroo.

Suga’s parents got into a fight and they got a divorce so Suga had to go home for that. He didn’t seem to sad or caught up about it, although, you swore to yourself that you heard sobs coming from Suga’s dorm room after he told you over text that he couldn’t stay. So far he has texted you every once and a while and checked on you, made sure you where taking care of yourself.

Kiyoka was going to a party and didn’t really seem to care that she was leaving you alone. Not that she was petty or anything she just never seemed to mind if she dropped her plans when they involved you. She gave you a couple of drunk text but nothing more and nothing less.

Tanaka didn’t talk to you about the thing, he said he would be there for you but he left you alone so you didn’t know where he was. Although, from what his Instagram story told you, he has in Disney with his family and having the time of his life.

Yachi got her first new hit for a album of her song covers and needed to leave you. It was very emotional and you could tell that she didn’t want to leave you alone but she had to since her family was struggling and she wanted to make them proud.

But Hinata stayed with you, the whole time, there was not a time that you thought ‘oh, Hinata isn’t going to be there for me’ or ‘oh, I can’t count on Hinata to be here’ because he always was and he always will be right by your side. Ever since the two of you where kids and Hinata got his first volleyball, you still remember that day, he went to hug his best friend but but the friend didn’t want a hug because the kid claimed volleyball was for kids. He cried for hours and hours in class and (from what you heard) in his own home. Refusing to hug anybody until he got into middle school and you came along. You guys had known each other due to your parents working together in the same hero agency but you never started building a friendship until middle school. A lot of people say that relationships end in middle school but I reality. That is when Hinata and yours started to bloom.

“Remember when you first got your volleyball?” You popped up, laughing a little as the tips of Hinata’s ears turned a flush red.

“HEY I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT!” Hinata pouted, crossing his arms and trying to be mad at you.

“Oh ok…I am sorry…” You whispered in a pretend hurt voice, knowing full well that Hinata will come crawling back to you once you had the slight hurt tone in your voice.

“Wait no! Baby!! Come here!!” Hinata exclaimed, wrapping you in a warm hug, you burst into laughter and hugged Hinata back. Feeling bad for the brown eyed male for the millionth time in your life (no but like seriously, how did this man get you to feel bad about everything?)

“Its fine Hinata.” You reassured the worried man with some pats on the head and a kiss on the forehead. Hinata smiled innocently at you before pushing you against the couch. “Oof!” You gasped as you felt he fabric press against your back. Hinata smirked in accomplishment.

“GOT YOU!” Hinata declared proudly, trying to pin you down on your back. You cocked your left brow up slightly upwards and flipped you and Hinata over so you where on top and he was on bottom. Hinata whined and bit his lip, eyes looking at you in a pleading sort of way. You smirked seductively and leaned down to kiss Hinata. Your lips crashing with his, biting the male’s slightly pink lips to ask for entrance (which he obeyed instantly). You slipped your tongue into the wet cavern of Hinata’s mouth and started exploring every inch of it and sucking on his tongue a little bit. Hinata moaned into the kiss and started grinding his body against your pants and whining like a submissive bitch. You chuckled darkly and brought your hand to mess with his hair before yanking his hair and making him break the kiss. A string of saliva connected your two mouths and you just swiped it off and shoved your fingers inside of Hinata. Smiling slightly as he gagged.

“Want me to suck your dick slut?” Your horse whisper sounded in Hinata’s ear as you bite his ear lobe and tugged on it slightly. Hinata nodded his head ‘yes’ before letting out a string of moans. You smirked in accomplishment of breaking the presumably top male who flirted with all the girls at school. You pulled down Hinata’s sweatpants and boxers in one Swift motion all while keeping eye contact with him. Going down on your knee’s you opened your mouth and started sucking Hinata off. Your tongue swirling around his head as you slowly started going deeper and deeper until you felt it go to the back of your throat. Once you felt that your head bobbed up and down, Hinata moaned loudly and threw his head back in pure pleasure. Mumbling out praises and barely forming a sentence. You smiled to yourself as you reached down and started rubbing circles along your clit, you tongue almost lolling out to the side of Hinata’s dick at the pleasure of hitting the sweet spot.

“You’re such a girl girl yeah you suck my dick yeah you suck that dick so well yeah you do…” Hinata managed to say before moaning loudly again at the sight of you touching your self and sucking him off. He is in complete heaven. You felt Hinata’s thighs tense up around your head and you stared up at him. Expecting him to say something. “I’m gonna cum…!” Hinata mumbled out before moaning again and letting his sex face out. You moaned around Hinata’s dick and that caused both of you to cum at the same time. You guy’s where a panting mess on the floor. Hinata had his legs spread wide and your head was all fuzzy and not cleared out with good thoughts. You guy’s stood there, a few comfortable in the air as both of you where a shaking mess. Soon, you got up and carried Hinata to the other corner of the couch and grabbed a large fluffy gray blanket along with some large pillows. On nights like these, Hinata liked it if you took charge in the aftercare stuff. Not even letting you two get changed until the morning. You smiled warmly at the goofy male who laid there on the couch, almost fast asleep, while you played Death Note (he says it is to scary so you like watching it when he is asleep or cuddling with you).

“Hey baby?”

”What’s up orange?”

“Did we ever get that cake out of the oven?”

”…”

”…”

”Shit.”

[elismistscorner]

OC Interview: Eli Aleksandros

Draw (or use an old drawing, don’t worry!) or take a screen of your character in an interview setting and make them answer the following questions!

---

Thank you @i-mybrunettelady and @thoseofuswhoblossom for tagging me, this was fun to do!

---

Off stage:

Eli: "Do I really have to do this? it feels so pretentious and blah"

Albus: "Yes! You are a hero to these people, and maybe knowing about you will help inspire others! You will be fine, and I'll be right over here for you."

Eli: sighs "okay."

INTRODUCTION

Can you introduce yourself?:

“Hello, I am Eli, Champion of Aurene.” After a moment of silence, Albus interjects: "You might also know him as Dragon slayer, God slayer, Guild leader, Priory Archon or Magister, Hero of Lion's Arch, Hero of Shaemoor, and ex-commander of the Pact-" "Oh my god. Albus!!" "Love you~"

What is you gender identity, orientation and relationship status?:

"I'm male, and...” looks over at Albus "engaged to that goof over there."

Where and when were you born?:

“I errrr... am not sure exactly where I was born, but I grew up within the walls of Divinity's Reach in Salma District. Well, at least until my elemental abilities started to show, and then I was sent to the Priory HQ but still inside Divinity's Reach. For the second part of that question; I am about old enough to be a sylvari secondborn.”

What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?:

“I guess I was 'classically trained' in the Priory to use the staff, so that may be what I am most confortable with. Albus helped me train with the sword when we realized we would have to confront Balthazar... that did not turn out so well, but against non-gods I can hold my own. However, now that I find myself in a bit of a lull, I have begun training with other weapon types, but that's confidential information... at least for now” he chuckles.

Lastly, are you happy?:

After a brief pause to think his answer, Eli looks down at his ring and then at Albus. "Yeah. I would say so."

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?:

"Hmm... well, like I mentioned earlier, I don't have any clues on my biological parents, but Uncle Andrew raised me like his own, and his daughter, Petra, is like a sister to me. I haven't been able to visit them in some time, but we exchange letters; they're doing well."

Have you ever ran away from home?:

"Technically yes? 'Ran away' makes it sound dramatic. As a child, I just wanted to find a place where I could figure out my elemental abilities without hurting anyone."

Would you consider marriage or having children?:

Eli looks over at Albus who is clearly waiting to hear this answer. "Okay so. Earlier, when I said I was engaged, I lied a little bit. Albus and I are actually married! He declares with joy and relief. "After I recovered from Bangar's ambush in Drakkar's lair, we decided to not waste any more time. We had been going non-stop for so long, and we were headed into an uncertain future, so we decided to just get married right there in the Eye of the North with some of our guildmates present, and Aurene of course. It was really nice actually. On the subject of children, does Aurene count?" he laughs.

Do you secretly hate one of your friends?:

"What? I don't... what? They're not really your friend if you.. hate... them? I'm not sure I understand the question."

Which friend knows everything about you?:

“Definitely Albus," he smiles "he's seen me at my best and worst. However, I do also have a couple good friends in the Order of Whispers, who I trust enough to confide in. But also, who knows what information they have on me in their archives. So maybe them too. Oh and Jory as well; again, she's someone I trust, but she's also very intuitive and a personal detective. Haha, maybe my life is not as private as I would like it to be”

ASKED BY FANS

Are you literate? Have you been to school?:

“Did you say this was asked by a fan? Anyway, yes. Like I mentioned, I grew up partially in the Priory so...”

The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?:

“So, this is less a prediction, and more a theory I had. See, I've always been fascinated by the mists and alternate realms or dimensions; fractals if you will. And I always thought there must be some way, when all the stars perfectly align for a soul to come back from the dead by traversing through time/space in the right way. And well, here I am.”

What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?:

With an almost apologetic look, Eli glances at the floor, then up at Albus. “That I have managed to surround myself with very capable people, and that I can trust them to hold their own... aaand that I cannot do this alone; I need them.”

Do you have mental health or physical issues?:

“When you say these are fan questions... like who exactly... I'll say this. I am very lucky to have the people I have around me. They help me stay grounded.”

What is your current main goal?:

“For so long my only goal has been to survive. Except not even that. So for now I don't have any goals per se. Although I am looking forward to the Festival of the Four Winds to return. We always use it to take some time off and just be. The beaches are really nice-" "Also the Queen's Jubilee!" Albus interrupts. "Hah... On a different note, I've read so much about Cantha, and now that I've explored Elona, I'd like to see the Jade Sea, but who knows when that will happen.”

CHOICES

Drink or food?:

“Oh hmmm.. it depends on when you ask me. When we were lost in the (Magumma) jungle, between the rivers and creeks and the HUMIDITY, I never really thirsted for a drink, but a nice meal would have really hit the spot. However, while wondering through Elona, there were so many times I would've killed for a refreshing drink. So... both?

Cats or dogs?:

"Oh dogs for sure"

Early bird or night owl?:

“Hmmm... well, the Elonian sky is a true wonder that can only be perceived at night but sunrises are nice... No, you know what. I'm a night owl. Yup. Don't know why I hesitated”

Optimist or pessimist?:

"I don't think I could... I have to believe things can and will improve, otherwise why would I bother going through everything I have?"

Sassy or sarcastic?:

“I think sarcasm? I know I definitely cannot out-sass Albus.”

HAVE YOU EVER

Been caught sneaking out:

“Pretty sure it happened in the Priory a couple times. Except... I wasn't sneaking out, I was... sneaking... in.” he sighs "I wanted to get in the library after hours and keep researching...-" "OH MY GOD ELI HAHAHA" Albus bursts off-stage.

Broke a bone:

“Wait like, A specific one? I don't... Like, you realize it is statically impossible that I would have gotten this far without such an injury.“

Received flowers:

“Yeah actually! It was nice.“

Ghosted someone:

Eli's gaze wanders as he takes a moment to think of an answer. "Oh, I guess I have. There was this one time that I accidentally ghosted a couple friends... when I died HAAAA!" He boasts with unwarranted pride on his own joke while scanning the room's reactions. "Get it? cause I was a ghost!" he grins. "That was good, wasn't it?" Albus simply facepalms in the corner.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get:

“Let me remind you again, I grew up inside basically a library full of smart people. Smart people that sometimes like to show off just how smart they are by using humor they know you will not understand because you're a CHILD.”

After the interview:

Eli: "So? how did I do?"

Albus: "You were great, as I knew you'd be. You we're yourself, and that's all I would ever ask of you."

Eli: "Thanks. I'm glad you were here with me."

---

I tag (with no obligation of course, I would love to catch up on old OCs or learn about new ones but you can pass!):

I feel to "new" to tag people haha. I guess I tag you the reader! If you've been waiting on someone to tag you to join the fun, this is your chance! :D

Also @thepinkywarband, get on this (if you wanna) :3

[recentanimenews]

ESSAY: Berserk's Journey of Acceptance Over 30 Years of Fandom

  My descent into anime fandom began in the '90s, and just as watching Neon Genesis Evangelion caused my first revelation that cartoons could be art, reading Berserk gave me the same realization about comics. The news of Kentaro Miura’s death, who passed on May 6, has been emotionally complicated for me, as it's the first time a celebrity's death has hit truly close to home. In addition to being the lynchpin for several important personal revelations, Berserk is one of the longest-lasting works I’ve followed and that I must suddenly bid farewell to after existing alongside it for two-thirds of my life.

  Berserk is a monolith not only for anime and manga, but also fantasy literature, video games, you name it. It might be one of the single most influential works of the ‘80s — on a level similar to Blade Runner — to a degree where it’s difficult to imagine what the world might look like without it, and the generations of creators the series inspired.

  Although not the first, Guts is the prototypical large sword anime boy: Final Fantasy VII's Cloud Strife, Siegfried/Nightmare from Soulcalibur, and Black Clover's Asta are all links in the same chain, with other series like Dark Souls and Claymore taking clear inspiration from Berserk. But even deeper than that, the three-character dynamic between Guts, Griffith, and Casca, the monster designs, the grotesque violence, Miura’s image of hell — all of them can be spotted in countless pieces of media across the globe.

  Despite this, it just doesn’t seem like people talk about it very much. For over 20 years, Berserk has stood among the critical pantheon for both anime and manga, but it doesn’t spur conversations in the same way as Neon Genesis Evangelion, Akira, or Dragon Ball Z still do today. Its graphic depictions certainly represent a barrier to entry much higher than even the aforementioned company. 

    Seeing the internet exude sympathy and fond reminiscing about Berserk was immensely validating and has been my single most therapeutic experience online. Moreso, it reminded me that the fans have always been there. And even looking into it, Berserk is the single best-selling property in the 35-year history of Dark Horse. My feeling is that Berserk just has something about it that reaches deep into you and gets stuck there.

  I recall introducing one of my housemates to Berserk a few years ago — a person with all the intelligence and personal drive to both work on cancer research at Stanford while pursuing his own MD and maintaining a level of physical fitness that was frankly unreasonable for the hours that he kept. He was NOT in any way analytical about the media he consumed, but watching him sitting on the floor turning all his considerable willpower and intellect toward delivering an off-the-cuff treatise on how Berserk had so deeply touched him was a sight in itself to behold. His thoughts on the series' portrayal of sex as fundamentally violent leading up to Guts and Casca’s first moment of intimacy in the Golden Age movies was one of the most beautiful sentiments I’d ever heard in reaction to a piece of fiction.

  I don’t think I’d ever heard him provide anything but a surface-level take on a piece of media before or since. He was a pretty forthright guy, but the way he just cut into himself and let his feelings pour out onto the floor left me awestruck. The process of reading Berserk can strike emotional chords within you that are tough to untangle. I’ve been writing analysis and experiential pieces related to anime and manga for almost ten years — and interacting with Berserk’s world for almost 30 years — and writing may just be yet another attempt for me to pull my own twisted-up feelings about it apart. 

  Berserk is one of the most deeply personal works I’ve ever read, both for myself and in my perception of Miura's works. The series' transformation in the past 30 years artistically and thematically is so singular it's difficult to find another work that comes close. The author of Hajime no Ippo, who was among the first to see Berserk as Miura presented him with some early drafts working as his assistant, claimed that the design for Guts and Puck had come from a mess of ideas Miura had been working on since his early school days.

  写真は三浦建太郎君が寄稿してくれた鷹村です。 今かなり感傷的になっています。 思い出話をさせて下さい。 僕が初めての週刊連載でスタッフが一人もいなくて困っていたら手伝いにきてくれました。 彼が18で僕が19です。 某大学の芸術学部の学生で講義明けにスケッチブックを片手に来てくれました。 pic.twitter.com/hT1JCWBTKu

— 森川ジョージ (@WANPOWANWAN) May 20, 2021

  Miura claimed two of his big influences were Go Nagai’s Violence Jack and Tetsuo Hara and Buronson’s Fist of the North Star. Miura wears these influences on his sleeve, discovering the early concepts that had percolated in his mind just felt right. The beginning of Berserk, despite its amazing visual power, feels like it sprang from a very juvenile concept: Guts is a hypermasculine lone traveler breaking his body against nightmarish creatures in his single-minded pursuit of revenge, rigidly independent and distrustful of others due to his dark past.

  Uncompromising, rugged, independent, a really big sword ... Guts is a romantic ideal of masculinity on a quest to personally serve justice against the one who wronged him. Almost nefarious in the manner in which his character checked these boxes, especially when it came to his grim stoicism, unblinkingly facing his struggle against literal cosmic forces. Never doubting himself, never trusting others, never weeping for what he had lost.

    Miura said he sketched out most of the backstory when the manga began publication, so I have to assume the larger strokes of the Golden Arc were pretty well figured out from the outset, but I’m less sure if he had fully realized where he wanted to take the story to where we are now. After the introductory mini-arcs of demon-slaying, Berserk encounters Griffith and the story draws us back to a massive flashback arc. We see the same Guts living as a lone mercenary who Griffith persuades to join the Band of the Hawk to help realize his ambitions of rising above the circumstances of his birth to join the nobility.

  We discover the horrific abuses of Guts’ adoptive father and eventually learn that Guts, Griffith, and Casca are all victims of sexual violence. The story develops into a sprawling semi-historical epic featuring politics and war, but the real narrative is in the growing companionship between Guts and the members of the band. Directionless and traumatized by his childhood, Guts slowly finds a purpose helping Griffith realize his dream and the courage to allow others to grow close to him. 

  Miura mentioned that many Band of the Hawk members were based on his early friend groups. Although he was always sparse with details about his personal life, he has spoken about how many of them referred to themselves as aspiring manga authors and how he felt an intense sense of competition, admitting that among them he may have been the only one seriously working toward that goal, desperately keeping ahead in his perceived race against them. It’s intriguing thinking about how much of this angst may have made it to the pages, as it's almost impossible not to imagine Miura put quite a bit of himself in Guts. 

  Perhaps this is why it feels so real and makes The Eclipse — the quintessential anime betrayal at the hands of Griffith — all the more heartbreaking. The raw violence and macabre imagery certainly helped. While Miura owed Hellraiser’s Cenobites much in the designs of the God Hand, his macabre portrayal of the Band of the Hawk’s eradication within the literal bowels of hell, the massive hand, the black sun, the Skull Knight, and even Miura’s page compositions have been endlessly referenced, copied, and outright plagiarized since.

    The events were tragic in any context and I have heard many deeply personal experiences others drew from The Eclipse sympathizing with Guts, Casca, or even Griffith’s spiral driven by his perceived rejection by Guts. Mine were most closely aligned with the tragedy of Guts having overcome such painful circumstances to not only reject his own self enforced solitude, but to fearlessly express his affection for his loved ones. 

  The Golden Age was a methodical destruction of Guts’ self-destructive methods of preservation ruined in a single selfish act by his most trusted friend, leaving him once again alone and afraid of growing close to those around him. It ripped the romance of Guts’ mission and eventually took the story down a course I never expected. Berserk wasn’t a story of revenge but one of recovery.

  Guess that’s enough beating around the bush, as I should talk about how this shift affected me personally. When I was young, when I began reading Berserk I found Guts’ unflagging stoicism to be really cool, not just aesthetically but in how I understood guys were supposed to be. I was slow to make friends during school and my rapidly gentrifying neighborhood had my friends' parents moving away faster than I could find new ones. At some point I think I became too afraid of putting myself out there anymore, risking rejection when even acceptance was so fleeting. It began to feel easier just to resign myself to solitude and pretend my circumstances were beyond my own power to correct.

  Unfortunately, I became the stereotypical kid who ate alone during lunch break. Under the invisible expectations demanding I not display weakness, my loneliness was compounded by shame for feeling loneliness. My only recourse was to reveal none of those feelings and pretend the whole thing didn't bother me at all. Needless to say my attempts to cope probably fooled no one and only made things even worse, but I really didn’t know of any better way to handle my situation. I felt bad, I felt even worse about feeling bad and had been provided with zero tools to cope, much less even admit that I had a problem at all.

  The arcs following the Golden Age completely changed my perspective. Guts had tragically, yet understandably, cut himself off from others to save himself from experiencing that trauma again and, in effect, denied himself any opportunity to allow himself to be happy again. As he began to meet other characters that attached themselves to him, between Rickert and Erica spending months waiting worried for his return, and even the slimmest hope to rescuing Casca began to seed itself into the story, I could only see Guts as a fool pursuing a grim and hopeless task rather than appreciating everything that he had managed to hold onto. 

  The same attributes that made Guts so compelling in the opening chapters were revealed as his true enemy. Griffith had committed an unforgivable act but Guts’ journey for revenge was one of self-inflicted pain and fear. The romanticism was gone.

  Farnese’s inclusion in the Conviction arc was a revelation. Among the many brilliant aspects of her character, I identified with her simply for how she acted as a stand-in for myself as the reader: Plagued by self-doubt and fear, desperate to maintain her own stoic and uncompromising image, and resentful of her place in the world. She sees Guts’ fearlessness in the face of cosmic horror and believes she might be able to learn his confidence.

    But in following Guts, Farnese instead finds a teacher in Casca. In taking care of her, Farnese develops a connection and is able to experience genuine sympathy that develops into a sense of responsibility. Caring for Casca allows Farnese to develop the courage she was lacking not out of reckless self-abandon but compassion.

  I can’t exactly credit Berserk with turning my life around, but I feel that it genuinely helped crystallize within me a sense of growing doubts about my maladjusted high school days. My growing awareness of Guts' undeniable role in his own suffering forced me to admit my own role in mine and created a determination to take action to fix it rather than pretending enough stoicism might actually result in some sort of solution.

  I visited the Berserk subreddit from time to time and always enjoyed the group's penchant for referring to all the members of the board as “fellow strugglers,” owing both to Skull Knight’s label for Guts and their own tongue-in-cheek humor at waiting through extended hiatuses. Only in retrospect did it feel truly fitting to me. Trying to avoid the pitfalls of Guts’ path is a constant struggle. Today I’m blessed with many good friends but still feel primal pangs of fear holding me back nearly every time I meet someone, the idea of telling others how much they mean to me or even sharing my thoughts and feelings about something I care about deeply as if each action will expose me to attack.

  It’s taken time to pull myself away from the behaviors that were so deeply ingrained and it’s a journey where I’m not sure the work will ever be truly done, but witnessing Guts’ own slow progress has been a constant source of reassurance. My sense of admiration for Miura’s epic tale of a man allowing himself to let go after suffering such devastating circumstances brought my own humble problems and their way out into focus.

    Over the years I, and many others, have been forced to come to terms with the fact that Berserk would likely never finish. The pattern of long, unexplained hiatuses and the solemn recognition that any of them could be the last is a familiar one. The double-edged sword of manga largely being works created by a single individual is that there is rarely anyone in a position to pick up the torch when the creator calls it quits. Takehiko Inoue’s Vagabond, Ai Yazawa’s Nana, and likely Yoshihiro Togashi’s Hunter X Hunter all frozen in indefinite hiatus, the publishers respectfully holding the door open should the creators ever decide to return, leaving it in a liminal space with no sense of conclusion for the fans except what we can make for ourselves.

  The reason for Miura’s hiatuses was unclear. Fans liked to joke that he would take long breaks to play The Idolmaster, but Miura was also infamous for taking “breaks” spent minutely illustrating panels to his exacting artistic standard, creating a tumultuous release schedule during the wars featuring thousands of tiny soldiers all dressed in period-appropriate armor. If his health was becoming an issue, it’s uncommon that news would be shared with fans for most authors, much less one as private as Miura.

  Even without delays, the story Miura was building just seemed to be getting too big. The scale continued to grow, his narrative ambition swelling even faster after 20 years of publication, the depth and breadth of his universe constantly expanding. The fan-dubbed “Millennium Falcon Arc” was massive, changing the landscape of Berserk from a low fantasy plagued by roaming demons to a high fantasy where godlike beings of sanity-defying size battled for control of the world. How could Guts even meet Griffith again? What might Casca want to do when her sanity returned? What are the origins of the Skull Knight? And would he do battle with the God Hand? There was too much left to happen and Miura’s art only grew more and more elaborate. It would take decades to resolve all this.

  But it didn’t need to. I imagine we’ll never get a precise picture of the final years of Miura’s life leading up to his tragic passing. In the final chapters he released, it felt as if he had directed the story to some conclusion. The unfinished Fantasia arc finds Guts and his newfound band finding a way to finally restore Casca’s sanity and — although there is still unmistakably a boundary separating them — both seem resolute in finding a way to mend their shared wounds together.

  One of the final chapters features Guts drinking around the campfire with the two other men of his group, Serpico and Roderick, as he entrusts the recovery of Casca to Schierke and Farnese. It's a scene that, in the original Band of the Hawk, would have found Guts brooding as his fellows engage in bluster. The tone of this conversation, however, is completely different. The three commiserate over how much has changed and the strength each has found in the companionship of the others. After everything that has happened, Guts declares that he is grateful. 

  The suicidal dedication to his quest for vengeance and dispassionate pragmatism that defined Guts in the earliest chapters is gone. Although they first appeared to be a source of strength as the Black Swordsman, he has learned that they rose from the fear of losing his friends again, from letting others close enough to harm him, and from having no other purpose without others. Whether or not Guts and Griffith were to ever meet again, Guts has rediscovered the strength to no longer carry his burdens alone. 

  All that has happened is all there will ever be. We too must be grateful.

      Peter Fobian is an Associate Manager of Social Video at Crunchyroll, writer for Anime Academy and Anime in America, and an editor at Anime Feminist. You can follow him on Twitter @PeterFobian.

By: Peter Fobian

[nadziejastar]

I know u like Isa and Lea, but did you enjoy any other of the Nobodies? Their personalities?

Oh yeah. I pretty much liked all the Organization. They just never got developed that much. Heck, even Lea and Isa never got their whole backstory shown and are still underdeveloped as characters. Which is sad. I found the Organization politics so interesting, too. It’s why I became kind of obsessed with the weapons in 358/2 Days. They had such specific names, shapes and colors that I knew they HAD to have some secret deeper meaning. And since BBSV2 was cancelled, I knew that we were most likely NEVER going to learn about what those secrets were. But I wanted to figure it out to learn more about them…all of them.

For instance, Luxord is so cool, yet he’s a total mystery. I like his demeanor and how he was sad when he lost half the poker league in Days. He never truly seemed like a bad guy, either. It’s a shame that we may never get to learn more about him. I’m sure there was stuff to be revealed about him. He was one of Nomura’s favorites, after all. There’s no way I can see him joining the Seekers of Darkness willingly. I think he was always supposed to be in the New Organization, but for a different reason than KH3 gives. Well, KH3 didn’t actually give one, but whatever. I think he wasn’t there willingly, and that’s why he was so happy when Sora defeated him and freed his heart.

I would have loved to learn more about Lexaeus, too. He didn’t seem to be thatbad. He was tending to Even and Dilan after they woke up. And I think he genuinely wanted to help Lea when he was looking for Isa. He seemed like he might have felt guilty about everything that happened. And somewhat concerned when Lea said he was going to go look for them. Ienzo and Lexaeus were rather low-ranking members. Lea seemed tolerate them in a way I doubt he would have with Braig, for instance.

What on earth was happening within the hearts of my six beloved apprentices? While pursuing the mystery of the darkness of the heart, could they themselves have strayed into its depths?

Speaking of Braig…I love Xigbar. He’s such a smug and unapologetic asshole. But he’s so cool at the same time. He always seems like he’s having so much fun. I really hated how it was revealed that he was Luxu because I thought Braig was such an interesting villain. He was just an ordinary guard and apprentice. Probably not a very nice guy, but not actively harming anyone, either. Ansem the Wise cared about all of his apprentices and trusted them. Even Braig. Then Xehanort comes along and offers him power. The Keyblade. And that’s all it takes to turn him into such a monster.

Day 355: Mind

The gears of Xemnas’ plans have begun to spin wild since the loss of half our membership at Castle Oblivion. The results are there, but can this state of affairs fairly be called a success? If Kingdom Hearts can be said to possess a mind of its own, it is surely rejecting Xemnas—no, rejecting Xehanort. Roxas left the Organization today.

He knows full well that Xehanort wants to access Kingdom Hearts and pretty much end the world as we know it. And he doesn’t give a DAMN. This entry is entitled “Mind”. Xigbar talks about Kingdom Hearts having a mind of its own, and rejecting Xehanort. He is aware that what Xemnas is doing is wrong.

And this doesn’t seem to be the first time he has pondered something having a mind of its own, either. The mind of Kingdom Hearts rejects Xehanort. The whole concept is quite similar to the way they tried to get the mind to renounce its sense of self, so that the vessel couldn’t reject Xehanort’s heart. I definitely think this was a subtle reference to the mind control experiments.

Xigbar: Man, does that Xehanort scare me like nobody’s business, the way he can see into minds. And it doesn’t help that no one knows what it is that the old man wants. I wonder if even you know what’s going on inside your own head.

I believed him when he said that Xehanort scared him. He doesn’t know what Xehanort is really after by causing the Apocalypse (we never get to learn either). But he goes along with him for his own selfish reasons. I was very disappointed that Xigbar’s personality was revealed to be Luxu putting on an act the whole time. No, I simply refuse to accept that.

Then the seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared to sound them. The first angel sounded his trumpet, and there came hail and fire mixed with blood, and it was hurled down on the earth. A third of the earth was burned up, a third of the trees were burned up, and all the green grass was burned up.

—Revelation 8:6-7

I admit, I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the KHwiki descriptions for some of the characters’ Mystery Gear weapons, which are said to draw forth the wielder’s personality. These were clearly meant to tell you something important about each of them. The wiki description for Xigbar’s Trumpet said that it may be a reference to his tendency to “toot his own horn”.

I think the trumpet had FAR more significance than that. The trumpet is a symbol. It’s the harbinger of the Apocalypse, to be exact. Xigbar and Xemnas are the only ones with Biblical references in their weapons. Even the concept of 7 Lights and 13 Darknesses is mostly Biblical in origin.

Seven is the number of completeness and perfection, both physical and spiritual. It derives much of its meaning from being tied directly to God’s creation of all things. There are 7 days in a week and God’s Sabbath is on the 7th day. The Bible, as a whole, was originally divided into 7 major divisions. The number 13 is symbolic of rebellion and lawlessness. 13 represents all the governments created by men, and inspired by Satan, in outright rebellion against the Eternal.

Ruler of the skies, protector of the stars, the Ultima Weapon will appear and destroy any threat it perceives. It has shot down countless airships, man’s means to reach the heavens. The stars align against us…

Final Weapon is another apocalyptic reference. Its design is based on the Ultima Weapon from FFVII. And we know how fond Nomura is of that game. I am quite fond of it, too. The Ultimate Weapon of Final Fantasy VII is one of the five Weapons created by the planet as a defense mechanism. It was released from its slumber in the North Crater after Sephiroth summons a giant meteor in an attempt to bring about the Apocalypse.

Then there’s Cupid’s Arrow, which is green, possibly as a reference to the Heart chakra. We all know who Cupid is. He shoots people with arrows and they fall in love. However, Cupid also has a devious side. His gold-tipped arrows are what link people in love. However, he can fire lead-tipped arrows, which cause people to feel indifference or hatred. This side of Cupid is not very well-known. As for Xigbar’s weapon, the bullets produce dark sparks on contact with enemies and gold ones on contact with anything else. Hmm.

Recollections

Am I alive? I awoke in a cell, alone until the researchers came with their tests and their prodding to uncover my identity. I had no answer to offer them. Four friends, and a key…that is the sum total of my memory. I could not even recall my name. I was simply called “X” there. My only solace was the time I spent talking with the two boys who would visit from time to time. One day, a man came to take me from the prison. I could not see him for the darkness, save that he wore an eyepatch. Even now, years on, I feel no closer to understanding who or what I am.May my heart be my guiding key.

—Unknown

I make it no secret that I think Isa was originally Subject X. And who is the last person Subject X remembers before their memory cuts off? Braig. Wouldn’t surprise me if Xigbar gave Isa the X-shaped scar. Other than Xemnas, he was the only one in the Organization who was confirmed to know about Xemnas’ desire to turn people into vessels. I think Even probably knew as well, but I just can’t see him giving Isa the scar.

Xemnas disappeared nearly before he heard his order acknowledged.

“Don’t let us down now, kiddo. Shouldn’t be too much trouble without a heart,” Xigbar told Saïx.

Then he was gone, too. Alone in the Round Room, Saïx raised his eyes to the high domed ceiling.

Braig? Definitely. I think he was the main abuser of Isa. I think he used a “lead arrow,” so to speak, and turned Isa’s love into hatred and indifference.

Saïx: Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?

Since Saïx had Isa’s memories, he no doubt would have told Axel who his main abuser was. Not to mention Braig probably abused Lea as well.

Given the right memories, the Replica could mimic the powers of the original. Which meant that if he were implanted with somebody else’s memories, he would, hypothetically, gain other powers. Somebody’s—or maybe even a Nobody’s. He had one particular Nobody in mind. All the members of the Organization were still influenced by the memories of their human lives.

Personally, I think Axel was talking about Xigbar here in the novel. I definitely think Axel wanted revenge on Xigbar. And I like that Cupid’s Arrow is Ultimate Gear. In that same weapon class is Saïx’s Horoscope, which has the symbols for Venus and Cancer. Venus in Cancer is basically the astrological correspondence of ultimate love and affection. If it shows up in your horoscope, your love life is looking good.

Another one of Xigbar’s weapons is called Crime and Punishment. It refers to an 1866 novel by the Russian author Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It is about the mental anguish of a destitute man plotting to murder an unscrupulous pawnbroker who ripped him off, and contemplating whether or not going through with the plan will be worth the risks involved.

He grows increasingly his nihilistic, and believes that killing would benefit society, therefore justifying that crime and others. After committing murders, his isolation grows because of his intense guilt and the half-delirium into which his guilt throws him. Over and over again, the man pushes away the people who are trying to help him, and then suffers the consequences. In the end, he finds the total alienation that he has brought upon himself intolerable.

Day 117: Him and Roxas

Roxas is maturing at an impressive rate. His face, the way he handles the Keyblade, it’s all exactly the same. The worlds seem so divided and alone, but there’s always that steady thread there to connect them. And we Nobodies can never escape the things we did as humans. So it goes.

Xigbar does seem to have some guilt about what he did to Roxas/Ventus deep down. He says that Nobodies can never escape what they did as humans. He knows that what he’s doing is wrong. Everything he did was so that he could gain Master Xehanort’s Keyblade.

Q: What happens to Lea hereafter now that he has become a Keyblade wielder?

A: Lea, having returned to his human form, chosen by the Keyblade. Does him getting a Keyblade have anything to do with his best friend Roxas? And is there a possibility that Lea’s become one of the protectors of Light?

Yet Lea was able to wield because of how strong his heart was, and due to his desire to save his friends, including Roxas/Ventus and Isa, two people whose lives he helped destroy. And although this idea is never followed up on, in the KH3D Ultimania, Nomura suggested that Roxas had something to do with Lea’s ability to wield the Keyblade.

I’m really not convinced that Xigbar’s suicide at the end was always supposed to just be a ruse. In the original version of the story, I think he actually did decide to end his life. And I would have preferred that outcome rather than “Well, he was never really Braig, and he was just pretending to be a power-hungry bastard the whole time, lololol!”

Axel: Try not to bungle everything while I’m gone.

Xion: Now, why would we do that?

Axel: Well, considering your track record…

Xion: Hey! Don’t make me come over there!

I also really liked Roxas and Xion when i played Days. For me, Xion was everything that Kairi should have been from the beginning. The way Kairi was written always felt unintentionally sexist to me. I think the female writer for Days, Tomoco Kanemaki, really helped in the writing of that game’s female protagonist. It was a very good idea to bring her on board. Plus she’s an excellent writer, based on the KH novels.

Axel: Well, even if things change, we’ll never be apart–

Xion: As long as we remember each other…right? Don’t worry, Axel–we got your hokey speech memorized.

Axel: Just checking.

Xion jokes and teases Roxas and Axel, but never in a mean-spirited way. She’s very pure-hearted, sweet, and feminine. Which can often come across as annoying for me, if the writers are not careful. Kairi was a Princess of Heart. She’s very pure and filled with light. But we were mainly TOLD this fact about her character, rather than being able to see it through her actions. Which came across as…kind of annoying.

But Xion’s character never felt sexist to me. Her interactions with her friends felt far more charming and personable than Kairi’s interactions with Sora and Riku ever did. She was written with such sincerity.

Roxas: Just feels strange, that’s all. Usually, I do all the worrying over you. I don’t think it’s ever been the other way around before.

Xion: Well, for your information… I worry about you all the time, Roxas.

I liked how she responded to Roxas. She worries about him all the time. Kairi also worried about Sora, but she always felt like a passive participant in the story, instead of an active one.

Kairi: Who are you? And that’s not my name. I’m Kairi.

Roxas: Kairi… I know you. You’re that girl he likes.

For the most part, Kairi existed in relation to Sora, and only Sora.

Kairi: What are you going to do with us?

Saïx: You’re the fire that feeds Sora’s anger.

Kairi didn’t get to actually DO things. Things happened TO Kairi. Xion had a lot more agency as a character. You’re invited to put yourself in her shoes, and understand how she’s feeling in a way you never are with Kairi. She’s a subject instead of an object.

Kairi: I can’t help?

Sora: You’d kind of be in my way.

Kairi: Hehe. Okay. You win.

I also liked that Xion being able to fight was just taken for granted by the story. It’s not treated like it’s a big deal, just because she’s a girl. It’s just normal, like how it was with Aqua. On the other hand, Kairi always got treated by everyone like she was made of glass.

Day 352: What I Must Do

Riku gave me this time. Axel told me to spend it thinking for myself. The Organization is determined to erase either me or Roxas. They’ll never allow us to coexist. I love Roxas and Axel. I’m sure Saïx would scoff at that. Call it a trick of my artificial memories. But the time I spent on that clock tower was real. I wish the three of us could stay together, just like this, forever. But I have to end this. I’ll never forget today’s sunset. Even if Roxas and Axel do, I won’t forget.

Xion said that she loved Roxas and Axel. I found that really touching. Kairi was introduced to the story in KH1 mainly as the girl that Sora and Riku were competing for. She was more of love interest than a protagonist.

Kairi: You know, Riku has changed.

Sora: What do you mean?

Kairi: Sora, let’s take the raft and go—just the two of us!

Sora: Huh?

Kairi: Just kidding.

She never had any chemistry with Riku as part of their trio, and her role in the story diminished as his grew. In KH1, Sora and Riku’s animosity towards each other is fueled largely by Riku’s possessiveness toward Kairi, which I didn’t like.

Riku: Deal? The winner gets to share a paopu with Kairi.

Sora: Wha… Wait a minute…

She was treated more like a prize for Sora and Riku to compete over than a valued friend. It just felt sexist to me. And I think it’s why Riku and Kairi barely interacted after KH1. I actually felt very sad when Xion disappeared. I felt an attachment to her, whereas I felt nothing but irritation (at the writers) when Kairi “died”. I connected with Xion in a way I that I was never able to with Kairi, because she was written like a real person instead of love interest.

After playing KH3, my feelings towards Roxas and Xion are…complicated. I know this is kind of an unpopular and controversial opinion in the fandom, but���I didn’t want either Roxas or Xion to come back. Even though I loved them both. Frankly, I don’t think they really “work” as stand-alone characters. Plus I was never fond of all of these identical characters running around simultaneously. Roxas and Sora look and act different enough. But Roxas and Ven? Many people seemed to like the scene where they meet and exchange an awkward glance. But for me it was just…stupid. Plus I think bringing them back ruined the poignancy of their story arcs.

Despite Xion being formed from Sora’s memories of Kairi, she felt very distinct from Kairi, due to the superior dialogue quality in 358/2 Days. This was both a good and bad thing.  

Kairi: Who’s this new Riku and where’s the old one?

Riku: New me?

Kairi: Yeah. You’re more like Sora.

Riku: Should I be flattered? I try too hard to be the role model. It’s more fun to just listen to my heart. Which is Sora-esque.

Kairi: Well, we still like you. Master, I came here because I wanted to help somehow. What can I do?

Honestly, I was just hoping that Kairi would have been written more like Xion going forward. I didn’t actually want to see Xion come back. I think that was always the plan, since Kairi certainly was in need of better characterization. And after Days, Kairi’s personality actually was more like Xion. I found her far more charming in KH2.8 and KH3 than I ever found her to be in any of the other games. They tried to give her more chemistry with Riku, who is supposed to be one of her best friends. I know the damage had been done by this point, but I appreciated scenes like this nonetheless.

Lea: Now that we’re going back, I’m worried about everything.

Kairi: Well, you don’t have to worry alone anymore, Axel.

I found her relationship with Lea so enjoyable, too. She was like his little sister. Kairi’s relationship with Lea felt just like Xion’s relationship with him. Xion promised she’d never forget Axel, after all. Unfortunately, this had the effect of making Xion’s return feel even more unnecessary and redundant to me. I feel the same way about Roxas.

A common opinion I hear is that Roxas is so much “darker” than Ventus, and therefore they cannot possibly be the same person. I agree that Roxas showed a darker side to his personalty than Ventus did. After all, Ventus had his darkness artificially extracted from him. But my response is: that’s what character development is for. What, did everyone think that Ven was going to remain the same naive kid until the very end the story? Even if he regained his memories as Roxas? Even after learning that Xemnas was Terra?

What was the whole point of Vanitas then? He’s Ven’s shadow self. These games are heavily inspired by Jungian philosophy, very much like the Persona series actually. Probably why I love both series so much. They even have the yellow eyes thing in common. The boss fight in KH3 was against Aqua’s shadow self. She was the embodiment of all the repressed, subconscious dark thoughts Aqua would be too ashamed to admit consciously.

Part of her IS angry at Mickey for abandoning her back then. She IS filled with so much despair that she wants others to feel it, too. That’s what made her shadow so interesting. I wish we had gotten to fight Shadow Terra, Shadow Riku, Shadow Isa, etc. I’m sure they’d have plenty of interesting things to say.

Quasimodo: Master Frollo–he made me live inside the bell tower, but the real walls were the ones I built around my heart. You helped me see that, Riku.

Riku: I was…speaking from…personal experience.

Phoebus: I’d say you still keep a lot locked inside.

Esmeralda: We all do that sometimes. There are just some things we need to keep separate from the world at large, at least until we have time to figure them out.

Personally, I never felt like Riku was finished dealing with his pain. His character arc was far from over. I think he needed to confront his feelings of jealousy towards Sora and his shame over getting possessed by Xehanort’s Heartless. What Dark Riku was saying in KH3 had some truth to it. Riku was always so competitive towards Sora because he felt inferior to him. Learning his darkness was part-Terra would definitely help him forgive himself. Of course that never happened.

Xehanort: Master Eraqus, you see, is so afraid of darkness, that he too, hassuccumbed–not to darkness, but to light. It shines so bright, he forgets thatlight begets darkness. And Aqua and Ventus, their lights shine too bright. It is only natural that they cast shadows on your heart.

Part of Terra does believe that Aqua and Ven are too bright for him. He pushed them away because they made him feel ashamed of himself. I’m sure his shadow self would try to push Ventus away while he tried to use the power of waking on him.

That would have been the perfect time to introduce the idea of Saïx’s jealousy. Let’s assume they stuck with the idea that Isa sacrificed himself for Lea. I tweaked his dialogue a tiny bit:

Saïx: “I sacrificed everything for you. You’re the one who went off and made other friends. Left me in the dust. I lost…all sense of purpose.”

Personally, I don’t think Saïx himself was jealous of Lea’s friendships with Roxas and Xion. Shadow Isa would be another story entirely, though. His captured heart was influencing Saïx subconsciously. I think that was why Anti-Saïx was included as a boss in 358/2 Days, along with Anti-Riku. 

Saïx:“Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose? Inevitably, they destroy themselves.”

I absolutely think he’d feel abandoned and forgotten by Lea. Axel left the Organization to chase after Roxas, while his heart was still left in Xehanort’s clutches. I think his shadow self would have a lot to say on that matter.

Aqua: A pure heart filled with light… It’s strange, The Master taught medarkness needs to be destroyed. But how, if not with light?

Fairy Godmother: Oh, my dear, you’re too young to know. Experience more things, and you’ll find the answer. Just trust in your dreams.

BBS was trying to send the message that darkness isn’t necessarily bad. OBVIOUSLY Ven was going to have to face his dark side and accept it as part of himself, too. That’s what Jungian psychology is all about. Of course like so many other things, that never happened. Probably because Roxas’ return made it pointless, if he’s supposed to be the “dark” one.

Part of me is surprised (and relieved) they didn’t redeem Vanitas and give HIM his very own replica, too. But yeah. These games are BIG on Jungian philosophy. Well, Xion and Roxas were envisioned as personas of other characters—not unique characters unto themselves. And that’s all they ever felt like to me. I never understood the idea that they deserved to be their “own people”. They already were.

To me, what made Roxas and Xion valuable to the story, was that they were alter egos of two of the main characters: the Guardians of Light, Kairi and Ventus. Even though they disappeared, their character arcs would have continued on. They would have given those two characters SO much additional development if they had been accepted and reintegrated as personas of Ven and Kairi. What does having BOTH Kairi and Xion around offer to the story? What does having BOTH Roxas and Ventus offer?

Naminé: One day, Sora will have to call them to the surface. They’re important memories…but very dangerous ones.

Mickey: Dangerous how?

Naminé: These memories are too painful. Handled the wrong way, they could damage Sora’s heart–even break it. I needed you to find a way to face that kind of hurt. That’s why I left the message.

Sora was supposed to confront the memories in his heart. The people’s whose memories were inside of him needed relief. The memories needed to go back to their rightful place: Kairi and Ventus. And Ansem the Wise’s experiments were all about the heart and its connection to memory. Sora was robbed of meaningful character development because of this, too. He never confronted these painful memories nor did he have the opportunity to grow from it.

I agree with Nomura. I think there ARE “too many” characters. It prevented them from getting properly developed. KH3 had little in the way of meaningful character development. And I doubt Nomura can really give Ven or Kairi much in the way of interesting development now that their alter egos are back. Their relationships with Lea already got sidelined. Ventus’ was even worse than Kairi’s, though.

Ven: Already?

Lea: I’ll see ya when I see ya. After all, we’re friends now. Get it memorized.

Ven: Okay, Lea.

Lea’s comment made Ventus very happy. Immediately afterwards, Lea tells Isa that inside people’s memories, he can live forever. This exchange felt very meaningful. I do believe that Axel took such a liking to Roxas in Days because he recognized him as Ventus. Yet what was the impact of their fateful meeting?

Lea: You remember me?

Ventus: Yeah, ‘course! We’re friends. I can’t believe you became a Keyblade wielder just like me.

Lea: Yeah…

Sora: Axel, you know Ven?

Ventus: Axel? Who’s Axel?

Lea: See, see, see? Major brain-ache.

It was rendered so…pointless thematically. Lea was obviously fine with Ven being Roxas. He was clearly hoping that Ven would remember their time together in the Organization. But ‘twas not to be. It honestly felt to me like much of Axel’s dialogue in KH3 was just Nomura parodying how ridiculous the story has become. Nomura even said in an interview that he has a hard time remembering who’s met who. It’s like he just threw his hands up and didn’t even care anymore. So he’s turning everything into a big joke.

Axel’s whole character arc in KH2 was trying to bring back Roxas, then deciding he had no right to turn Sora back into a Nobody. He sacrificed himself to atone for his actions. Of course, it wouldn’t feel right to simply have Axel form a friendship with Sora to carry on his friendship with Roxas. They were too different. Ventus’ story arc was the perfect way to bring Roxas’ heart back, allowing Lea focus on a new goal this time: bringing back Isa. As I mentioned earlier, Nomura implied that it was Roxas who gave Lea the ability to use the Keyblade.

Roxas: Hey, Axel. You haven’t forgotten? You made us a promise.

Axel: I did?

Roxas: That you’d always be there…to bring us back.

Axel: “Oh yeah…”

Roxas: “Got it memorized?”

Axel: “The promise of two best friends.”

I think that’s why he had a dream of Roxas before he woke up. Roxas’ legacy as a Nobody was to pass on the ability to wield the Keyblade to his best friend Axel. Then Axel would be reborn as Lea and reunite with Roxas, who would be reborn as Ventus. Neither knew each other’s past in Days. Roxas had amnesia and Axel kept everything secret.

Axel: You really think the truth is going to make you feel better? It won’t.

Roxas: What makes you so sure? I have a right to know who I am! How did I  get here? Why am I special? Where did I learn to use the Keyblade? I deserve those answers!

Axel: Roxas…

Roxas: Are you gonna tell me or not? Axel… Who am I?

Axel: You’ve just gotta trust me, Roxas.

Roxas: I don’t.

Axel: Hey, c'mon…

Roxas: If I can’t get answers here, I’ll get them somewhere else. Somebody knows where I came from. That’ll be the person I trust.

Axel said that learning about his past wouldn’t make Roxas feel any better. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. But the real reason Axel didn’t want Roxas to know about his past because he was afraid that Roxas would leave him. Although his reasons were sympathetic, Axel was wrong to lie to Roxas. And he knew he was wrong. He felt guilty about lying. Roxas did have a right to know the truth. This creates a chasm between them and it is the ultimate cause of their relationship falling apart.

Roxas: I wonder what kind of guy I was before…

In KH3, it felt like the characters were being forced into stasis and not allowed to truly grow or mature. If anything, they were regressing. In Days, Roxas didn’t WANT to be his “own person”. He wanted to learn about his life and identity before becoming a Nobody. He was jealous that Axel had memories of his past before the Organization. So the idea of Roxas coming back and having no real past or life history outside of the one year he spent as an Organization member just didn’t sit right with me.  

And Roxas and Axel will never have to overcome the issues that made their relationship fail in the first place. Axel needed to accept that it was okay for Roxas to remember his past before the Organization. And Roxas needed to trust Axel. If Axel was reborn as Lea and Roxas was reborn as Ventus, they’d finally learn each other’s past and find out that they have so much in common. A loved one from their past is being used as Xehanort’s vessel. Then they’d be able to develop a much more open and healthy relationship and grow a lot closer.

Ventus: You’re here…

Terra: I heard you too, Ven. You found me, just like you promised.

Ven made a promise to Terra that he’d be there when Terra really needed him. And Axel made a promise to Roxas that he’d always be there to bring them back. It was a promise of two best friends. Immediately afterwards, Lea goes and searches for Isa. He still didn’t know at that point that Isa was Xehanort’s vessel. But his friendship with Roxas inspired him to not give up on any of his best friends. In KH3, it could be shown that Axel’s loyalty inspired Ventus to keep his promise to Terra, too. Then their meeting in BBS would have actually been meaningful.

In KH3 we just get a rehash of KH2 where Axel is looking for Roxas. Only this time he makes no progress on that goal, nor does he develop as a person along the way like he did in KH2. He just felt so utterly useless to the story. Literally everyone in real life I know who played KH3 complained about how useless and unimportant Axel was. Even Axel acknowledges how useless he is in KH3. My intention is really not to bash Roxas and Xion. I liked them. But since Lea and Isa are my favorite characters, I admit I do have quite a bit of saltiness towards the preferential treatment Roxas and Xion received from the story in KH3.  

Their return just felt so…contrived. I didn’t even find the trio’s reunion emotional due to how forced it was. Xion just randomly shows up out of nowhere and starts bawling, and Axel brings up ice cream. It felt like the writers were trying way too hard to make the scene emotional. But it had the opposite effect on me. That scene came across as cringe-worthy because it felt so pandering and fanservice-y. And now they need DLC just to properly explain why they are back.

—Was Lea insisting on being called Axel so that when Roxas came back he would recognize him?

Nomura: Yes, but also because when he saw Kairi as Xion, he remembered that there was someone he was supposed to remember, which made him feel that being called “Axel” was important.

I also have mixed feelings about Lea wanting to be called “Axel” and staying in his Organization cloak.

Mickey: But gosh, I didn’t expect you to save us…Axel.

Lea: Axel didn’t. My name is Lea.

In KH3D, he made a big deal about his name being “Lea”, not “Axel”.

Lea: Axel? Please. The name’s Lea. Got it memorized?

I don’t think it was really necessary, but I can see him maybe wanting Kairi to call him Axel if he subconsciously remembers her as Xion. But everyone else?

Riku: Why are you here, Axel?

Lea: No, I told you my name’s– Agh, whatever, Axel, fine. Now let’s get outta here!

It annoyed him when they still called him “Axel”. He only tolerated it begrudgingly. After all, it’s the name Xehanort gave him to symbolize the death of “Lea”. I don’t think he’d be too fond of going by that name at all, especially once he learned the full truth about the Recusant’s Sigil.

Originally, I think he wanted to stay in the black cloak because of Isa. That makes total sense to me. But since that idea was scrapped, it felt more like Square was afraid of having his character go by a different name or look too different from before, since people who haven’t played any of the games since KH2 might be put off by that.

Then, there was the final boss battle with Saïx. Roxas and Xion are back now. And honestly I had no idea how the game wanted me to feel about Isa at that point. It may have sounded like an afterthought, but Lea still said he wanted to bring him home, too. Am I supposed to care about him as a friend of Lea? Or am I supposed to take pleasure in seeing Roxas and Xion “clobber” him, the same way I’m supposed to when Sora defeats Xehanort?

Roxas and Xion are popular characters; I get that. I knew how much fan demand there was to bring them back. And it concerned me because I couldn’t imagine how they could return in a way that actually made any sense. And it was as I suspected. We got the stupid Replica nonsense in KH3 to make it happen. But it was way worse than I feared. They had to throw Isa’s entire character arc by the wayside to make room for Roxas and Xion.

Roxas, Axel, and Xion get a tearful reunion, but poor Isa was just left as a vessel… totally forgotten about. Lea said that he never forgot Isa, but he did. Sometime between KH3D and KH3, to be precise. Roxas and Xion even look at him with pity. I almost got the sense that the scene was meta-commentary. Like Roxas and Xion felt guilty about how badly his character had to be destroyed to allow them a place in the story. And Isa certainly did get left in the dust in order to focus on Lea’s other friends, who had more popularity in the fandom.

In canon Isa suffers from a bad reputation, because of how Saïx treated Roxas and Xion. But it was plain as day to me that Isa in BBS was NOTHING like Saïx! I always assumed that was the whole point of meeting Lea and Isa in BBS. To show how different they were as humans—especially Isa. The audience never knew that Saïx in KH2 was just a vessel for Xehanort, and neither did Axel. If the truth had been revealed, it would have been a pretty cool plot twist actually.

Despite it being both obvious and heavily implied, the story never even clearly stated that Isa was NOT Saïx. That he was possessed by Xehanort. That he was a victim. The Recusant’s Sigil on his face literally means “death”. And since that concept got thrown in the trash, so did Isa’s character arc. We are never even told how he got his scar. And his personality never goes back to the way it was in BBS, either. It’s funny to me that people thought Roxas was so different from Ventus that he deserved to be his own person. If there was any character who had nothing in common with their Nobody and deserved to be their own person, it was Isa, not Roxas. Axel and Saïx both admit how much he’s changed.

Even in that short scene, it was not hard to see what kind of person Isa was. He was introverted and had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. But when he smiled at Lea playing with Ventus, you could tell that he was kindhearted. He was just reserved, and reluctant to express his feelings openly. He’s shy, but with Lea around, he’s able to come out of his shell and share a laugh with Ventus while they tease him. So yeah, in my opinion Isa is dead. In KH3, we get left with a watered down Saïx taking on the role of “Isa”, even though they were nothing alike.

The moment where Xemnas is going to finish off Lea, is when Saïx should have saved him, proving that Isa’s heart was still in there, and that he never forgot Lea, just like he said all those years ago. That was Isa’s crowning moment. The very moment that would earn his place eating ice cream with everyone in the epilogue.

Roxas and Xion stole the thunder from not only Isa, but Kairi too. During what should have been her crowning moment: her first major battle. She was so useless and forgotten in her own fight. Her only real contribution is getting kidnapped. Then she was killed off! Apparently to justify Namine coming back? I guess? I was so looking forward to Kairi finally becoming a more well-rounded character. Man, was that a let down. My sisters despise Kairi. They were raging during the ending. They think she’s such an insult as a female protagonist, lol. I just think it’s sad. Kairi DID have potential. But unfortunately it was mostly all wasted…

I love most of the KH characters. But I have NEVER seen a character get shafted by a story as badly as Isa. Even Kairi was treated (marginally) better by the narrative. It was the main inspiration for this blog and why a disproportionate amount of my posts are about Isa and/or his relationship to Lea. In KH3, Skuld took his backstory, Roxas took his role as the friend who Lea would need to bring back, and Xion took his crowning moment of redemption. It was so insulting how the story treated him. I’m sure even the creator of Xion, Tomoco Kanemaki, would be disappointed in how Isa got treated. I could tell by the way she writes the novels that she liked Isa, as well as Xion.

[aphelyons]

My Creative Year in Review 2018

stolen from but also requested by inspired by @drstrangewillseeyounow​

Preface: This will be a bit of a mashup of two things; art and writing. But I’ll be clear. This is also a long post, I’m very sorry. Apparently I don’t shut up.

Total number of creations? (Or a rough guess!)

Art - Finished; 221 (not all published) Art - WIPS; 25 Writing - Published; 4 Writing - WIPS; 9 ?

Was there a project that you didn’t get around to?

In terms of starting or finishing? Lol. I didn’t get around to publishing the first chapter of the MU fic, which I desperately still want to before S2 starts. Because I keep writing all the middle bits instead. Nor did I get around to start writing the “winter fic” beyond plot points and a few little scenes.

There’s a looooooooooooooot of art I didn’t get around to either starting properly or finishing. Lol. I have a L’Rell piece I really want to do, as  well as [another] mirror Stamets piece I want to do.

What was the creation you had the most fun making?

Art: Oh that’s hard. A lot of things for a lot of different reasons. I enjoyed the Holiday artworks because they were….really out of my depth and fun. Mostly I loved sending them out on cards to friends.

More recently I had a lot of fun doing the Patroclus and Achilles piece. Loved using golden hues.

Also have a lot of fun with Not Safe for Work-Viewing pieces, but those will never be published here. :D Sorry.

Writing: I had a surprising amount of fun writing the Vampire AU fic [Just a Taste] for Halloween. Which I never expected to write anything vampiric, ever, and also it came together really quickly. Building the world in that short fic was a lot of fun.

Any surprises? (E.g. a character or ship you never thought you’d create for or a project that came out of nowhere?)

Well honestly this whole revival to art and writing came as a surprise, I hadn’t done either in many years. I was also never a Star Trek fan prior to Disco, nor have I ever been a part of a fandom before. This is my first! So that was surprising, also surprising was how massively obsessed I became and how important it became to me. But the best surprise out of all of that is the connections to people I’ve made and the friendships that have come from that. ily. <3 Also not going to lie, pretty surprised that suddenly my art has become mega-fuckin-colourful. Where did this love of neon come from??? Wtf

What was the hardest creation to make?

Writing; MU fic - hands down. I have pages and pages and pages of resources. Not only is it going to be a long story (I endeavour and hope) but also from the amount of which I am pulling from and want to align to canon as as best I can as well. Being a new fan to Trek also... it’s been pretty overwhelming to get these details right. But at the same time, really trying to flesh out a character we never met or saw in the show, and have them interact with the established canon and have that all make sense… That and have the science in it make as much sense as possible, I’ve based a few new things on scientific principles and things that exist and just trying to elevate them to a cosmic scale… and hope I can pull that off too. It’s pretty intimidating. Not going into it, but the way the story weaves and intersects with a few different genres.. I just want to have it make sense in it’s self contained body of work.

Yeah it’s hard. Lol. Biggest thing I’ve ever tried to do. But, I love it, truly. I think about this whole project an inhumane amount of times every day, and I love that. 

It’s also hard because I’d love to be a linear writer, but I am not. At all. I’m constantly writing ahead, well and truly ahead, but then coming back, adding to and editing earlier bits and rewriting and rewriting….rewriting… ugh

The subjects and themes are also a little heavy, and it’s cathartic to write about, sure, but also wanting to do those moments justice and with respect and integrity - because that’s important to me too.

The whole thing is just a lot of fuckin work, lol. But I really love it. Already - and it’s nowhere near done.

Art; Probably the one where Paul is laying down [crying] in the spore chamber. It was my first return to trying to paint semi-realism, and... it didn’t work out. I’m not happy with it anymore, but also proud that I pulled it off. That pose? Hair? HAND? UGH those took me too long to get right. But, overall it certainly taught me a lot to use on future more realism-ish pieces such as the Cosmic/Celestial pics of Hugh and Paul [which I love.]

What inspired you the most this year?

Oh, easy. Discovery. Hugh and Paul, hands down both of those things. But also to the endlessly talented people who I’ve come to know and also enjoy the works of - be it written, art, or otherwise. Creativity inspires creativity. 

What are you most proud of? (A creation, something you learned, etc)

Art: The Cosmic/Celestial pieces. Very proud of those. (So much so I made metal prints of them and they sit on my bookshelf between a salt lamp.) I really love how they came out, and really the original (Cosmic Paul) was kind of an accident, a happy accident if you will.  

Also the piece of Anthony I did for Anthony’s birthday. That was a lot of fun constructing something visually representative of a person.

Any goals/plans/ideas for next year?

Fucking get some headway on my MU fic so I can stop being so annoying by just talking about it, and fucking start publishing it already -  for then it then it would EXIST in the word. LOL. Ugh. That’s the only big plan, that’s all I want to do. Whatever art I will do - I will just find inspiration in the moment to do. No plans, other than the L’Rell piece and a couple other WIPs - maybe.  

Honestly just that and trying to keep improving, both in writing and in drawing. I feel like I’ve improved over this past year, so would love to just continue on that trajectory.

Pick your favourite creations! (Post links and tell us why you love them!)

The Cosmic and Celestial Series I just love how these turned out, especially because it was such a surprise how it turned out originally. But being able portray this cosmic divinity of which I uphold them both to be in my mind was really awesome to pull off. The colours, and dramatic light, this whole thing was so fucking fun. The whole painting with colours as highlights / shadows / dual light source was a huge experiment for me and it taught me a huge amount, so I really love it for many reasons.

The Song of Achilles  I started sketching this while I was listening to the audio book and while I fell in love with these two. Please, again, do go read this book. But the detailing on the spear, the auras and Achilles hair were my favourite bits. Oh and the gold blood. Of course, lol. Loved doing the symbolic imagery 

Anthony Rapp’s Birthday Portrait  Because this man means a whole lot to me, and it was nice really nice for a change of pace to try and depict him and things that are important to him. Also really proud of that shoe, ngl. & And MU Stamets and his Mycelium Sun

Huge experiment in terms of colour and lighting for me, and I love love love how it turned out. Even if it’s a little rough. This one was so much fun, and I also printed this out on metal actually lol. Looks pretty cool.  & First MU Culmets Work Still in my heart, even though it’s a earlier work, because it was the first exploitation of this duo for me, and how they might be together. Also where I came up with the HC for his facial scar, which I always will include in any MU Hugh depiction of mine. But I still really like how their characterisation translates in this one.

Writing

Nomenclature.  

The archaeology AU story I wrote for 30MinuteLoop. Also well, this is the only one that’s safe for viewing that’s published, lol, but I am genuinely really proud of this and seeing it through to completion. 

But also the MU story is a fave, but this is the only published section so far:

MU Snippet (These next couple of questions are directly from @drstrangewillseeyounow​ sorry I’ll be so literal in their structure, lmao)

How you decide on which style to use for individual pieces?

Unless it’s something very specific in mind (like the holiday pieces) I just kind of let it take a life of its own. See what it evolves into. I might have one idea to where I want it to go before I export it to PS, but once in PS it might take a whole new life (prime example if the original Cosmic/Celestial Paul. The original was very flat, and pretty boring lol but really became something else in PS. Actually it was supposed to be originally a visual piece to accompany my Vampire fic - and Vampire Hugh picture. But that changed entirely once I got it into PS.)

(It’s hard to see but there’s a bite mark on the original side.)

I'd also know more about your literal process, as in: what's your hardware set-up, what software do you use?

I have a weird all over the place set up. Lol.

So I do the majority of the work on my iPad, up until a stage where I don’t think I can go any further with it (or need more than 6 layers at my disposal) and then export it to my PC (either work or home) and then work on it further in Photoshop. Of which it then gains infinite amount of layers, lmao. Oh god.

As for the file on the iPad, when I’m working on that I can only have 6 layers. So usually will do sketch/line-work on one (or two, if I have to work a problematic bit but then merge it with the rest) and same with the colour/painting. That’s always on one layer, which I’ve grown to really like working like that. I might do skin on one, then clothes on another, but eventually will merge them.  If it’s a full paint (or even half paint maybe), the colour and line layer will eventually be merged as I erase the lines I no longer need as I go and blend that layer more seamlessly into the painted layer. It just ending up a purely painted file without the original lines. Another layer may be added for more delicate details such as eyelashes and eyebrows, things like that.

Everything I do once exported to Photoshop is just with a mouse, I have a Wacom tablet… But I don’t use it, because I haven’t been bothered calibrating it with my dual monitor setup, and am happy doing most of the work on the iPad anyway as it kinda acts like a Cintiq in that regard. But localised. (Plus I can take it anywhere with me, interstate, overseas, to work, to the park, etc. I love that mobility.) Depending if I need a certain element that’s vector based, I’ll make it in Corel Draw or Illustrator, too. I also have Corel painter....buuuuuuuuut still haven’t used it. That’s a goal for 2019 for sure, lmao. Very occasionally I will physically sketch out the idea (like the holiday pieces) scan, and rework, redraw, line it, or whatever in the iPad then go forth with all of the above processes. 

How long does it usually take you from start to finish?

Art: How long a piece takes really varies lol. Sketches can be between 1 - 4 hours on average, sometimes more. Flat colours will be a couple hours more. Half paints usually 4-8 more hours. Full paints and more realism stuff like the Cosmic/Celestial is total of 18hours+ but those times are just a rough idea, sometimes something just works out a lot quicker. Sometimes longer. 

Writing: FOR FUYCKING EVER. I’m the slowest writer ever.

Do you have art WIPs and what do you think keeps you from finishing them?

I have a lot of art WIPs lol I think just losing drive or inspiration to finish them is what mainly kills them, or me getting frustrated that it isn’t working out like I wanted. Sometimes I just forget they exist.

Probably same goes for writing, too. Lol. Also it could be that I’ll dream up the entire (or mostly) of the story, but then getting it onto the page is hard. I want to work at getting better at that.

Do you do any non-fanart, too?

Sure. Although not often anymore, I’m honestly just inhumanly obsessed with Hugh and Paul.. Even when I start a project that isn’t centric to either or both of them… Often it will kind of morph into them. oops. 

I want to say yes to fic too...but That’s a project I haven’t worked on in fucking years and years, so I doubt that really counts anymore.

//end

Wow I am so sorry that was me just rambling on. Anyway, cool. Hi to anyone who made it this far.   I’ll also parrot the line of: Everyone who created/posted art, fic, gif-sets, vids, cosplay, etc., consider yourself tagged if you’d like to be. I’m curious! (I’m fucking serious, P L E A S E   D O.)