#the social night caps off at 25 like fuck people older i guess

[housedyke]

Pride update: looking at the local list of events genuinely makes me want to die a little bit

[jasonshoodies]

WIP: Do we want me to continue this?

Jason Sudeikis x Reader

RPF

No Smut (for now)

___

"Oh, gross, Sudeikis is gonna be here?" You asked your brother, making a face and taking a sip of beer, "I thought he was too cool for all of us now."

At the edge of the party, you survey your older brother's friends. Bald. Bald. Bald. Married. 3 times divorced. Kids. Kids. Kids. It was Big Slick weekend, and your older brother always had the old Shawnee Mission West crew in to hang when Jason had time to visit Kansas City.

“You know Jason isn't like that. You two just can't stand each other." Your brother smirks and hands you another beer and moves away to work his crowd. Extroverts. You shudder.

Even at 39, so many of your brother's friends still treat you like a little sister, and considering the options laid out before you, that wasn't a bad thing.

Once you were finally in your 20's, there had always been a relentless ballbusting between you and Jason, and in the times he was single, it always came off painfully flirtatious. At least from you. By the time you were 25, he was already considerably successful (and married or just divorced), then by the time he was single again, he was 100% beyond your reach.

Which was fine. Of course. Whatever.

Getting lost in the Kindle app on your phone, you continue to sway on the glider, glancing up periodically at the twinkle lights and the crowd, offering a smile to your niece and nephew across the yard. It wasn't that you weren't social, it was more that this party was for your brother and his family and friends, but it was Friday night and you really didn't have anything better to do. But, to be clear, it wasn't like you were trying to see Jason. Of course not. How stupid would that be?

Looking back at your phone, you read another chapter until you feel someone sit directly beside you, man-spreading, his thigh pressed up against yours. You don't even have to look up to know who it is.

“Do you know how fucking rude it is to sit at a party on your phone?" He doesn't even look at you, instead, he stares straight ahead and tilts his head a little while pushing his tortoise shell glasses up on his nose. With a nod, he spots his own kids and younger sister, Lindsay, and gives all 3 a sweet smile and wave. "I mean, socialize a little. Say hello to people, y/n, Jesus."

Without looking up, you swipe the page on your book and chew your lip for a second, "I told Jeremy that I hoped it wasn't true. Maybe your flight from LA would get delayed. But, I guess when you're a piece of shit who can afford to ruin the Earth and fly private, it doesn't matter."

He doesn't miss a beat and deadpans, "You got it figured out."

“You good?" You ask, cutting him a look and finally putting your phone down, replacing it with a beer of your own. "You look good. Less like an old man from last year. Is that hair color?" Without hesitation, you put your fingertips in the hair at his temples and sideburns and gasp, "Wow. Just for Men. Didn't know that still was a thing. This was completely white last year. Good for you."

Jason leans back a little and smiles showing no teeth, a tight smirk, lips pressed together. "M'yeah. You are lovely as ever." He bites the corner of his bottom lip and considers you, giving you a once over that makes warmth flood your face until he glances away at the sound of his name. Playfully, he squeezes your thigh without another word and stands to join a circle of guys who you personally know live to tell people that they went to high school with Jason Sudeikis.

He does look good, though. Even in his Dad gear. Light color cargo shorts, a hoodie, black baseball cap, and obnoxiously high end sneakers. You can't help but watch him. He's always been comfortable and effortless. Warm. Qualities that have only gotten more developed and better with age.

He, quite unfortunately, has only gotten better with age.

For the rest of the party, he never sits down, and you force yourself back into your phone and mundane conversation until the crowd dies down and you start to help your brother and sister in law pick up and go inside.

It's not that late, but basically everyone has kids, so when Jason comes inside with an arm full of dirty plates and cups to put in the trash, you give him a funny look as you wipe down the kitchen counter. "Well damn, you didn't leave with the kid crowd?"

“Nah, sent mine home with my sister. Haven't seen y'all in a year, Jeremy mentioned playing some cards? I'm a night owl. Not even close to sleep. You staying?"

Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline and you wash your hands in the sink, "Yeah, I drank a little, so I wasn't going to drive anyway, I planned on bunking up in the basement."

“Well, lock your Kindle app and come hang out. Unless the sight of me is so nauseating that you just can't stand it." He washes his own hands and grabs a handful of chips from a bowl and pops several in his mouth, leaning against the counter and talking with this mouth full. "I will somehow endure it for your brother."

Casually, you flip him the bird and he grins at you and shrugs. "Maybe later, let's have a couple more beers and see where the night leads us."

[appledoom47]

Some questions? What about ALL THE QUESTIONS MWA HA HAAAA

YOUR SO EVIL BUT IMMA DO IT CAUSE ILY1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify. I pay for that shit2. is your room messy or clean? UHHH messy3. what color are your eyes? Blue4. do you like your name? why? I do like my name. Because I like how it’s spelled differently from how most people spell it and because I was almost named Hedwig or Blanche. 4. what is your relationship status? Single5. describe your personality in 3 words or less. Funny, loud, memes6. what color hair do you have? Brown7. what kind of car do you drive? color? I don’t have a car right now cause I totaled the old one and can’t afford a new one rip8. where do you shop? Idk the store?9. how would you describe your style? The trash bin.10. favorite social media account. My tumblr I guess?11. what size bed do you have? It’s a twin.12. any siblings? Yeah I have a sister that’s 6 years older.13. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Really I’d be happy living anywhere in the world but like I’d love to retire to Quito Ecuador. I went there when I was younger and I fell in love with that city.14. favorite snapchat filter? I don’t use Snapchat.15. favorite makeup brand(s). I don’t wear makeup cause I have super sensitive skin, all brands make me breakout.16. how many times a week do you shower? I try to shower every day I leave the house. Keyword is try. I have depression.17. favorite tv show? NOT TECHNICALLY TV BUT I LOVE RWBY18. shoe size? 9 1/219. how tall are you? 5’1. I’m short20. sandals or sneakers? I prefer to not wear shoes at all but I live in the north so I wear sneakers so my feet don’t fall off.21. do you go to the gym? I want to but I’m poor and lack transportation.22. Describe your dream date. Anything with someone I love that truly loves me back.23. How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Uhhh 5 dollars.24. what color socks are you wearing? I’m not wearing socks.25. How many pillows do you sleep with? Just one but it’s like a huge body pillow. Like a real one not an anime one.26. Do you have a job? what do you do? Yeah I work at McDonald’s.27. How many friends do you have? I don’t want to put numbers to this but I have a lot of larger friend groups spread out from different discord’s and tumblr and my friends I left behind when I moved.28. Whats the worst thing you have ever done? Oh god. I’ve done a lot. Like a lot a lot of terrible things. For the purpose of this imma go with starting to chew tobacco again. I’m trying to quit again but it’s hard.29. whats your favorite candle scent? I don’t have a good enough sense of smell to really smell candles.30. 3 favorite boy names. Mathias, Benjamin, and Peter.31. 3 favorite girl names. Alice, Jane, and Martha32. Favorite actor? Don’t really have one.33. favorite actress? IMMA COUNT VOICE ACTRESS AND SAY ARRYN ZECH34. who is your celebrity crush? ARRYN ZECH35. favorite movie? Hunchback of notre dame.36. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot but now I exclusively read fan fiction. So I’ll just say my fav right now is Scars by Donesses on ao3 cause that fic is FUCKING AMAZING.37. money or brains? Brains.38. do you have a nickname? what is it? Everyone irl calls me some form of my actual name and everyone online calls me Apple.39. how many times have you been to the hospital? Umm like I’ve been hospitalized once but I’ve been to the ER a lot.40. Top 10 favorite songs. DONT MAKE ME PICK. Have a playlist instead. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIc3C_O6F9TV92tQBL9Q7DPBGvpz4yhIO thats all my music I love all of it.41. do you take any medications daily? Nope. Prob should tho42. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) depends on the day.43. what is your biggest fear? Being abandoned 44. how many kids do you want? As many as I’m physically able to have/ however many my future partner can stand.45. whats your go to hair style? I just leave it down.46. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) it’s a small townhouse.47. who is your role model? Don’t really have one.48. what was the last compliment you received? People have been saying I’m really good at writing angst as of late.49. what was the last text you sent? I asked my mom how much money I had on the card she runs for me. It’s my card but she has the app for some reason.50. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? I don’t remember I don’t think I ever believed in him.51. what is your dream car? I have a pic.52. opinion on smoking? Honestly I’m kinda numb to people who smoke because my mom smoked when I was growing up but I’d rather people didn’t for their health.53. do you go to college? The question here really is do I want to go back for the 3rd time and the answer is I don’t know.54. what is your dream job? Anything that I can enjoy while making enough money to live comfortably.55. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs.56. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Yes always.57. do you have freckles? No58. do you smile for pictures? I try too but I’m bad at it. Most of the time I end up trying to hide my face.59. how many pictures do you have on your phone? A lot. It’s all screen caps and memes.60. have you ever peed in the woods? Yes because my dad’s special interest is hiking and he used to bring me along all the time.61. do you still watch cartoons? Yes.62. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Gotta go with job loyalty here.63. Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch64. what do you wear to bed? Nothing at all ;)65. have you ever won a spelling bee? No I suck at spelling I was always the first one out.66. what are your hobbies? I like editing pictures. Mostly memes.67. can you draw? Not really no. I want to get better tho.68. do you play an instrument? Yes I play piano and ukulele. Also I sing if that’s and instrument69. what was the last concert you saw? I got to see K.Flay back in October. It was rad as fuck.70. Tea or coffee? Depends on the time of day and availability71. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Dunkin.72. do you want to get married? Yes.73. what is your crush’s first and last initial? I don’t have a crush right now.74. are you going to change your last name when you get married? Probably.75. what color looks best on you? I’ve been told blue.76. do you miss anyone right now? Yeah77. do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed78. do you believe in ghosts? Not really79. what is your biggest pet peeve? When bars fucking aDVERTISE THEIR HAPPY HOUR BUT ITS MORE THAN ONE HOUR.80. last person you called. Idk I haven’t called anyone in forever.81. favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky road82. regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular83. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow cause I’m gay as fuck84. what shirt are you wearing? I’m not wearing a shirt right now.85. what is your phone background? It’s a monochrome mood board someone on one of my rwby servers made for me86. are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing if it’s a good day.87. do you like it when people play with your hair? I don’t know cause no one ever has.88. do you like your neighbors? I haven’t met them.89. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? I don’t really ever wash my face. I prob should.90. have you ever been high? Yeah. I used to smoke a lot of weed.91. have you ever been drunk? I’m a recovering alcoholic 92. last thing you ate? Avocado toast. Cause I’m a fucking millennial 93. favorite lyrics right now. I’m just gonna say all the lyrics to from shadows.94. summer or winter? Summer95. day or night? Night96. dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk97. favorite month? March because birthday98. what is your zodiac sign. Pisces 99. who was the last person you cried in front of? All the people at my work cause I had a PTSD meltdown rip. I FUCKED UP THE NUMBERING AND PUT 4 TWICE BUT THATS ALL ONE HUNDRED

[sir-ursa]

All odd numbered questions. Sorry I only talk to you when it's an ask meme, I just feel like I have nothing interesting to say. Anyway, your blog is one of the funniest I follow. You're a cool guy.

so it’s the same person every time? i knew it. i don’t know who you are, but feel free to talk to me whenever because i’m super lonely i’m always free for a chat.

1: is there a boy/girl in your life? romantically? no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” I think of a person hiding in a bush or something and they accidentally snap a twig, so the people they’re hiding from are like “what was that?” so they cover it up with a really obviously fake “meow” but it works anyway.

5: are you afraid of falling in love? ... yes and no. I’m not affraid of falling in love itself, but recently I’ve been a little worried that if I did start a relationship with someone I’d get bored of it all too fast and it wouldn’t get very far. of course, i haven’t been in a relationship for a while so that’s probably just my social anxiety or something.

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? not with someone else, no. as a general rule i don’t like to sleep when other people are around, which is a rule that developed at some point since i became an adult.

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on. Well there’s mine, which is pretty obvious. i sit on my older brother’s bed sometimes while i talk to him and he only half pays attention. The bed in my old bedroom at my dad’s house, since i still rest there sometimes when i get a headache or anything. i can’t think of which would be the fourth, probably my friend nathan’s, but i haven’t been to his place in ages.

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned? HA! plan. my only plan at the moment is to actually make a plan which... okay, that means things definitely aren’t going to plan.

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?Probably a rottweiler. honestly, i do like animals, but i don’t really want to be a pet owner. too much responsibility for someone who constantly forgets their own daily responsibilities.

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? a zoo. the open air is nice, seeing animals is cool, and the zoo near where i live is really cool. there’s a safari buss tour.

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact? My younger brother, so that would be 19 years.

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?Nope. i really don’t like one of them, and the other one is engaged (though i haven’t spoken to either of them for a while either)

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?  well not today, because i’m really tired. also, there’s not really a rush to get married. appreciate the phases of a relationship as you get closer.

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none.

25: what’s on your mind? math, pineapples on pizza, the ever encroaching inevitability of death, nintendo.

27: what is your favorite color? that depends on the situation. i like red, but my favourite aesthetic combination is purple and black.

29: who are you texting? well the last people i properly texted are my brother and my mother, but i’ve been using the tumblr app to chat with @xxxspacecadetxxx, which is a form of texting.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?probably, but nothing stands out. actually, i guess it’s more that once i start to think “this bad thing is probably going to happen” i begin to come to terms with it before it even happens. like a while back when i thought about how old one of my dad’s dogs had gotten so she’d probably not be around for much longer, and about a week later i heard she’d passed away.

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you? sure, if we’re talking about feelings of contempt. but really, i can’t say i can think of anyone specific, but i wouldn’t be surprised if someone did. i also wouldn’t be surprised if no one did.

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? get a room! but actually don’t, because i hate you.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed? no, i hate them.

39: has anyone upset you in the last week? possibly, but i wouldn’t know about it.

41: where’s your last bruise located?on my foot. i accidentally kicked a dog house. this is something that happens a lot, though only sometimes with a dog house. (there was no dog in it)

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? probably high school, in which i wanted to be away from high school really bad. since then, i’ve had enough freedom that i never really need to be anywhere i really don’t want to be.

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?I like my boots the most. they’re steel capped work boots, and they’re just super comfortable because they actually fit my feet and i like that they’re heavy.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?maybe. genetically speaking, it’s not unlikely i’ll get a receding hairline when i get older, and cutting it off might just look better.

49: does your bedroom have a door?no, i had it sealed up so i would never be bothered again. yes, i don’t really understand why it wouldn’t unless it had something else to close like a curtain or something.

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?i’m not aware of anyone i know who hates shopping. i like shopping.

53: are goodbyes hard for you?Not as far as i know. if there’s anyone i don’t want to say goodbye to, i just stay in contact with them

55: how is your hair?alright. i don’t really know what to do with it, it just gets brushed to the side usually.

57: do you think two people can last forever?as a romantic couple? yes. as immortals? i’d argue that it would defy the laws of physics, but i wish.

59: green or purple grapes?They don’t taste much different as grapes, but green.

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?nowhere specific, but somewhere more interesting.

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?well i should be in bed five hours from now, but we’ll see how that goes.

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?No one. my love life is boring. my social life is also quite boring.

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?well i always try my hardest when i actually care, so literally every time i’ve been disappointed.

71: how many fingers do you have? ten, because thumbs count. ignore anyone who says otherwise, they are in denial of the facts.

73: how old will you be in 5 months?23 years and nearly six months.

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?because i realized that their entire personality was just them copying fictional characters from shitty teen dramas, and all of their morals and rules came from shitty teen dramas.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?some of them, yes. not all of them though.

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?My dad’s friend is mike. I’ve known him for as long as i can remember, he’s a really cool guy.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?*counts my fingers for a few seconds* zero.

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?i feel like you should know the answer to this question at this point.

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? yes, they’re bad for you and anyone who doesn’t think so is either misinformed or in denial.

87: who was your last received call from?my mother. she was just telling me that my laundry was done, and i needed to hang it out.

89: what is something you wish you had more of?money? it can get you pretty much anything with enough of it.

91: do you sleep with your window open?I like to, but if it looks cloudy then no.

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope.

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yes and no, i can probably break my way out of a normal room, if it’s not a normal room then it’s a problem.

97: did you sleep alone this week?every night for as long as i can remember.

99: do you believe in love at first sight?no. for one, love isn’t something you can judge from sight, let alone first sight. for another, love is something that grows at the same time as you develop as a person. at most you can be attracted to someone at first sight.

did i miss any? did i accidentally include an even number? did i misinterpret a question? i fucking hope not.