#the snippet from this i saw earlier today bears as much relation to the whole poem as does a lost eyelash to a whole body

[hardoncaulfield]

Speech Time, Hera Lindsay Bird

Transcript under cut

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. That's how Abraham Lincoln started the Gettysburg address and he got murdered in a theatre. That's also how I have started my speech but I won't be murdered in a theatre When I die, it will be an old-time injury, like falling into a threshing machine.

I am always making speeches, but speeches are a waste of time The only useful speech is one where you enumerate someone's many failures until they burst into tears But if anyone is bursting into tears today it will be me I just want to lie naked on a deckchair, fanning myself with divorce papers

I have called this speech 'speech time' so you will know it's time for speeches. Anything can be a speech if you say it out loud for long enough This is not freedom of speech, this is just extreme oratorial leeway It's hot piss, melting the toilet ice

Speeches exist for the purpose of making other people think what you think But I don't want just anyone to be able to think what I think It's like if paisley were a natural resource, and people had to mine for it You have to be stupid enough to want to

I've been making a lot of speeches recently because I published a book And more than a book people like to hear you talk about your book People don't like books they like speeches But not this speech .......

People don't want to hear poetry, they want to hear people talking about poetry People don't want to hear poetry, they want to go home and not read poetry and so do I The only reason for poetry is to have a meadow in which to burn yourself alive in A picturesque meadow, with bonus violets

I am bored of making speeches I have to say so many things I don't care about It reminds me of life It reminds me of when you are a cowboy and your hat gets too heavy

There is nothing in this world really worth saying Being clever is a waste of time I just want to sit around in Swarovski earrings and let old men debate my literary merits ...but I don't even have my ears pierced

A speech is the opposite of a poem A speech is telling people what to think, but I don't know what should be thought Sometimes it seems to me like other people aren't even trying to tell the truth Like, when I watch porn I like it to be the retro kind when you can't see the dick go in

Forget this speech, I'm changing the title The new title of this speech is 'poem time' because this is poem time not speech time It's like when it's your first day as a soldier and you show up to the wrong war Or like sexily cleaning the coliseum with a black feather duster

It's like panicking because your castle is too beautiful Or an advent calendar for atheists full of empty windows It's like pouring cold champagne all over your thighs Or an evil piano that can only be played at midnight

A poem should never be a tourniquet You have to let the blood goes where it wants It's like trying to log into your email account but your password makes you too sad It's like Shakespeare ...................................... etc

I love writing poetry because it gives me casket pleasure I can feel my death somewhere far off It's like doing a shot of semen after sex and calling it a chaser Or when you're a ghost and can feel the wind blow in through your sheetholes

Poetry is like a tuxedo that zips off at the knee It's my pet boredom...... I sit in my room with the rain coming down And I start to wonder about my life

Poetry is like pushing a pram through the dawn But the pram is on fire, because the fire is your baby It's like having an orgasm every time you hear middle C on a piano Mozart is just elaborate foreplay to you

It's like upgrading your horse drawn carriage to a better, more technologically advanced horse drawn carriage Or squeezing your mop into a tropical fish tank It's like being the Monet of blow jobs .................... and losing your boyfriend to the Toulouse-Lautrec of blowjobs Or a bedside drawer packed with snow

Poetry is a luxury behaviour Like crying because you're too clever and nobody understands you It's like cutting your hand at a party and referring to your blood as 'party blood' It 's like: welcome to good behaviour town, population 0