#the skull is not mine; it is from an emo night event at a club

[sarmaleattheseaside]

[passerine-writes]

Symbols - Chapter 7

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of s/h, bad coping mechanisms Word count: 3357

Masterlist

Chapter 6 | Chapter 8

The whole weekend after Friday nights events was my own, fucked up way, of coping. My arms ached and I have been ignoring the rest of their texts since then, Bokuto even going the length to make a group chat with the five of us. I shut down and shut everyone out again. However, this could only last for so long. Going back to school, I didn’t know what to expect. Yet, I was not expecting this.

I was not expecting for Akaashi to be staring at me so intently. Or Koutarou being late to meeting me at my locker. Or his fan club of girls following him just to glare at me.

I got to school at the normal time, not late or early, however when I got there, Akaashi was already at my locker. I stopped for a moment to collect myself before slowly getting there. His eyes never left mine, whether it be trying to look at my hazel eyes or just me in general, he was studying me. Studying my every movement and facial expression, every flicker of my eyes and shakiness emitting from my body. Next, Bokuto arrived about five minutes past his normal time, even for a Monday that was unusual. He came down the hall looking exhausted, even his hair was deflating a bit. Akaashi and I looked at each other silently before nodding in an unspoken agreeance. I made my way down the hall to Koutarou, his tired eyes lighting up a bit and he jogged over the rest of the distance to pull me into a hug. He buried his face into my light brown hair and sighed contently, his strong arms wrapping around my shoulders and partially suffocating me in his large pecs.

“Are we okay? I was so scared when you didn’t respond all weekend. I- I- I thought you left again.” My body tensed, but I fought through the fear and decided to hug him a little tighter just so he could relax.

“We’re okay, Kou. I’m not mad at either of you, I just needed some time to process. Just like when we were kids, yeah?” He nodded and held me a bit tighter before letting go. 

I felt so many pairs of eyes on me, it felt so unsettling and overwhelming. I lifted my head to look around while Bo and I walked back to Akaashi, only to find all of the ‘pick me’ volleyball fan girls glaring at me or staring at me in some way. I made eye contact with one of them and cocked an eyebrow before rolling my eyes in annoyance, making her gasp and storm up to me, only slowing down when Bokuto turned and glanced at her exasperated form. With one last huff, she turned around and walked back to her group. I tucked my head back down, my hands picking at my fingers before I could even think it was happening, all I could do was wish I could disappear for a bit. I curled in on myself and tried to ignore the prying eyes and the growing whispers, my head spinning as I couldn’t shut it all out. My eyes darted back and forth across the floor, trying desperately to find something to focus on, anything to calm me down. I grabbed my bag and started walking to the door, ignoring the eyeballs burning into my skull. On the walk home, I decided to text the group chat so I wouldn’t have to console an ‘emo’ Bokuto tomorrow.

Four Dummies and a Smartie

From Kaara:  Sorry for leaving, couldn’t handle school today.

From Bokuto: :((((( 

From Kuroo: You okay, little atom?

From Akaashi: Are you alright, Kiku?

From Kenma: Take a nap.

I smiled lightly at Kenma’s message, the fact that he already knew I would go home and sleep off the panic from today.

From Kaara: I’m fine. Kenma guessed right however, I am taking a nap once I get home.

I always hated drama, I never cared to be apart of it nor understand why people indulged in it. Some drama shows and animes, I could stand behind. But being so disrespectfully intrigued by other peoples personal lives only to spread rumors or stab people in the back? It disgusts me. It is so unnecessary and hurtful. It was one of the only things I hated about going to the middle school volleyball games. Any game I went to to cheer on either pair of the boys, I got dirty looks, talked about under their breaths, pushed and prodded at. In high school, it only got worse but it would never happen while I was on the court at least. Just.. everywhere else at school. When I first left, I had a few people try and talk to me, but after a week, I started living in radio silence. Nobody kept trying to talk to me about the rumors, I kept my phone on silent while I listened to my music and played on my PSP, the only one who tried to frequently talk to me was Koutarou, but he stopped after a month, probably because Akaashi talked to him about it. 

I sat in my bathroom, legs curled to my chest as I became lost in my thoughts.

The radio silence was nice at first, until it wasn’t. It felt suffocating at times, like I was drowning in a sea that was a one way mirror. Nobody can see me but I see everyone, and it feels like they are all just looking through you until it was the realization of just how invisible some people are. 

Tears dripped down my cheeks, my mind not even registering what I had grabbed.

Nobody noticed when I skipped school, nobody noticed that I went there all my life, and nobody noticed all of my baggage. All my damage. All of my scars. All of my pain. I want to stop drowning.

I want to stop drowning.

I want to stop drowning. I want to stop drowning. I-

I froze when I felt my phone buzz under me, the blade falling out of my hand before any damage was done today, The sound of metal clattering on the floor made more tears fall. My phone buzzed and buzzed, it went on for what felt like forever, the sound and feeling torturing my body mentally. Until it stopped.

From Akaashi: Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t. The pain isn’t worth it. I promise you that.

1 missed call from Akaashi

From Akaashi: Do you want me to come over? I don’t mind leaving school and coming back for practice.

From Akaashi: Screw it, I’m coming over. 

My eyes widened in panic, walking to my house from school didn’t take long. Especially if you were a nationals level volleyball player. I quickly hid my blade and changed into a pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, checked to see my face was free of any tears and the living room wasn’t filled with empty water bottles or empty snack wrappers. My dad may be an adult but his lack of sleep makes him act similar to a teenager.

I took a deep and shaky breath when I heard a certain setter knock rapidly on the door. My fear increased ten fold, my heart jumping into my throat and I swore a spirit passed through me or something. My dad wasn’t home and I felt a little thankful, not exactly wanting to have the awkward reunion. I cracked open the door and peaked out at Akaashi. His eyes softened at the sight of me, a large fraction of the worry leaving them as well.

“H-Hey. Sorry.. You didn’t have to leave early for this, uh, I’m fine. I would’ve texted you back earlier but the buzzing f-from my phone was not mixing well with my sensory thing at the moment.” He relaxed, knowing I wasn’t lying about the sensory stuff. Between the bond and him watching me catch cold after cold because I couldn’t stand the feeling of gloves on my hands or turtleneck shirt or scarves on my neck and face growing up.

“Well, I’m already here, can I come in?” I glanced around awkwardly and nodded, not exactly having the energy to hash anything out with him at the moment.

“Uh, sure I guess, just.. sorry for the mess. I didn’t get around to cleaning this weekend.” He cocked an eyebrow subtly when he thought I wasn’t looking. 

Usually on weekends I clean to give my dad a break, allowing him to do human necessities before worrying about cleaning or something. I lead Akaashi up to my room, the place that the two of us and Bo had some of our best sleepovers growing up. I actually enjoyed cleaning my room and cleaning in general along with organizing. It helps me feel as though my life isn’t falling apart and like I am in control of something rather than spiraling. My room is almost always completely neat and tidy, the exception being when I’m reorganizing it. I watched as the setter scanned my room in shock, specifically when he came to my cork board. I had gotten that when we were kids and it was filled to the brim with pictures of the five of us. A few of them were different, be it family or the team in my first year when I managed, but the rest were the five of us. I sat on my bed and picked at my finger tips, my legs crossing over each other and giving my hands a place to rest.

“I remember this one..” I looked up a little to see what he was talking about and immediately smiled at the memory.

“Yeah, you uh got talked into helping Kuroo and Bokuto form a human pole to the top of the swing set.”

“I tried to volunteer Kenma cause he was lighter.” I nodded and stared back at my blanket.

“He laughed and told you that that was a funny move because he couldn’t even climb up there. Kuroo was already on Bo’s shoulders so you managed to climb up top and sit on Kuroo’s but you kept complaining about his hair getting in the way.” I looked back at the polaroid picture of Akaashi on Kuroo’s shoulders while he held onto the top of the swing set bar, Kuroo held onto Akaashi’s thighs while he sat on Bokuto’s shoulders. Bokuto’s large hands rested on Kuroo’s lower thighs as he stood brightly with a smile. The other two laughing anxiously, scared of falling on the painful rubber.

“I wanted to talk to you about something. Nobody else knows anything for sure so I wanted to talk to you first.” My leg started bouncing under me and stayed curled up, it was like all of my nerves were on fire. Akaashi slowly sat at the foot of my bed, waiting for some sort of disagreement to move.

“C-Can I change.. first? I just, glove feeling.” He laughed lightly at our life long comparison to a bad sensory object. 

He nodded nonetheless and waited patiently as I grabbed clothes and went to the bathroom. I ignored looking in the mirror as I changed. My body now adorning Bokuto’s old pair of volleyball shorts from his third year of middle school and an old Howl’s Moving Castle long sleeve that I bought two sizes too big in middle school, the shirt now only being one size too big. I pulled the sleeves over my hands, tucking the extra material into my palms and walked back to sit in my previous spot.

“Can’t believe you still have those.” The smallest and softest of laughs left his mouth and I almost joined him. “I’m sorry again, about Friday night. Not even just with at the playground but for how Washio treated you. I didn’t realize what was going on until you took a step back and started walking away. You didn’t deserve that and you never should be treated like that. But I wanted to talk to you about something else. None of the other boys fully know about this right now, but Friday night, something happened with you when you got home. And it felt too familiar to me, so I talked to Kenma and he confirmed my suspicions.” I swallowed the lump in my throat nervously. “Please don’t make me ask the question, bumble bee. Make this easier for both of us right now, please.” My heart broke at the strain in his voice and the use of one of his many nicknames he gave me over the years. I have never seen him so broken and distraught over something. Tears glossed over his pretty blue eyes, his eyebrows cinched a little closer together. I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach, hoping out of sight out of mind is a real thing. A tear dropped into my lap, this is exactly what I was afraid of. “Squish, can I please check and make sure you don’t need any stitches?” I curled in on myself and shook my head rapidly. “Squishy please, please talk to me. When did this start? What happened? Please, little opus, I can’t lose you. We just got you back, we can’t lose you again.” It felt as if someone had a fist wrapped around my heart through the book on my ribs. The two of us cried for a moment before I composed myself.

“Promise me you won’t tell the boys, at least until I’m ready, and just answer one question for me first. I’ll tell you everything about it, as much as I can for now, just please, ‘Kaashi.” He nodded and waited hesitantly for my question. “Did it hurt? Wh-When I-”

“Not really, it more or less felt like my arms were itchy but only in certain spots and it was in a lie that they were itchy.” I exhaled deeply, knowing I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if I hurt the boys doing that. I shakily nodded and wiped my face again.

“It first started in middle school. There was a lot going on, and I couldn’t constantly isolate at the time. I- I hid it from everyone, nobody knew until now. It scared me to tell you guys, it’s not really a casual conversation thing. In our third year, of m-middle school, I got clean. After I left you guys in my first year of middle school, it didn’t take too long for it to happen again. Then it b-became a cope thing. I was clean for a month and a half before Friday, but sometimes my brain doesn’t believe isolating is enough. It’s a lot and I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t understand some of it. I,” my lip trembled and I tried to make it stop, “sometimes, I don’t feel real. Like I’m a ghost or a shell of a soul. I feel so empty it’s like my body actually is. The only way it stops is by doing that sometimes.”

“It’s my fault, I’m assuming. If I didn’t open the bond none of this would be happening?” I shook my head and tried to put my words together coherently and thankfully he could see that.

“The whole thing with Washio and mini panic attack set it all off. I could feel that you were trying to help that night, and I don’t blame you for a reflex.” I tilted my head down even further, thoroughly despising opening up about this. I stopped breathing for a moment when Akaashi tucked his index finger under my chin and tilted my head back up.

“Stop trying to hide whatever it is, just let it out.” I stared at him for a moment and I felt like I was eleven (11) years old again telling him I’m moving away, beating around the bush and muttering so much neither of them could hear me so Keiji took the initiative of getting me to look up. My bottom lip quivered even more and one more look at the setter and I was crying. My arms acted before I could think and reached out slightly for a hug, Akaashi pulled me into his arms and held me tight to his body. “Just let it out, let it out squish.” I cried more at his words, but simultaneously hating myself for feeling so safe around him.

“Sometimes I d-don’t wanna be alone anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. And it’s my fault. I deserve this, the pain, the loneliness, all of it. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry.”

Third Person POV

Akaashi listened as her voice came out pained and somewhat slurred. His heart shattered hearing what she said, he wishes he could take it all away but he knows it isn’t that easy. He has some more questions now though, and he wants answers.

His smooth voice lulled her to sleep, one hand coming up and playing with her hair, massaging her scalp a bit whilst he told her over and over none of it was her fault. He felt the girls weight drop into unconsciousness and waited a few minutes before moving her to lay down on her bed. He was half laying down, the angle most convenient for him, but realized he couldn’t move. One of her small fists was curled into his shirt, he tried to free it from her grip but he didn’t want to risk waking her. So he laid down and texted the other group chat.

Cats and Owls

From Akaashi: Kou, tell coach I’m not going to make it to practice today.

From Kou <3 : Whaaaa??? Why!!!

From Akaashi: I’m at Kaara’s house, she fell asleep on me and won’t let go. I noticed she hasn’t been sleeping well lately and I don’t want to risk waking her up. A lot has happened today.

From Rooster head <3 : Is the little atom okay?

From Kou <3 : What happened???

From Ken Ken <3 : Keiji? What happened?

From Akaashi: I can’t talk about it all with you three yet, however she opened up to me a bit, and she cried on me. It tore me apart to see her that sad. But she said something else.

From Akaashi: She said that it hurts a lot and she doesn’t like being alone sometimes, but it’s her fault so she deserves the pain and the loneliness and she is sorry.

From Akaashi: I am saying this now, none of you come over to her house without her offering, I had a bad feeling and I did so and she almost cried. But Koutarou tell coach I’m not making it to practice, if he asks why just say something happened with Kaara, that’s all he needs to know.

From Rooster head <3 : Screw it, I’m skipping practice. I can’t focus with all of this going on.

After a bit of conversation, Kuroo, Kenma and Bokuto also skipped practice. They all met at the Akaashi residence, his mother letting the three in and watching as they shuffled to Keiji’s room. It wasn’t until about five in the afternoon when she finally woke up on something warm. Her body jumped as she realized she slept on Akaashi.

“Hey, breathe. It’s just me. You fell asleep on me earlier, you wouldn’t let go of my shirt so I laid down beside you. I didn’t want to risk waking you up, I can tell you haven’t been getting a lot of sleep as of late.” She let herself relax a bit. “I know you don’t enjoy having people over, but please know you’re always welcome at any of our houses.” She quietly thanked him and checked the time. 

“Uh, my dad’s gonna be home soon.”

“I’ll head out, the boys are waiting for me. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

When Akaashi got home, he wasn’t prepared for the boys to all be nervous habitting in his room