#the self loathing should be off the charts. my boy needs therapy

[courtneydeservesbetter]

Been rewatching random episodes of tdi/tda whenever there’s a lull cuz I’ve been catching up with ‘laptop work’ now that the power is back on and having Duncan be a cheater was the most hypocritical decision they could have made him do and while I disagree with it (OBVIOUSLY) it is a very interesting choice. And we as a fandom should definitely talk about that aspect of his character more!

Now I’m not necessarily rewatching the whole show- I might start to though cuz I’m getting that itch again, but I’m only watching an episode here and there so I could be forgetting something. But him cheating is such an interesting thing about his character, not only because Duncan was down bad for Courtney to a SEVERE degree, but also because he was SO PROUD of the fact that he was ‘straight with people’. Yes he was a bully and an asshole, but that was like one of his moral codes in the early seasons- he didnt lie to his friends about major shit. And yeah this is definitely a flawed moral code, and he definitely has lied to and tricked people throughout the series, but it’s almost like he genuinely thought that being a liar was the worst thing you could be. He says it multiple times in season one (when they’re all mad at Heather for manipulating Lindsay, when they voted Trent off for kissing Heather, ext) and he literally tells Leshawna in tda that he ‘never messes with liars’… And then just a season later he cheats on Courtney and lies about it till someone else tells her instead. He’s become what he thought was the worst thing a person could be, a liar. And yet the writers as far as I can remember, never address that!

[megabadbunny]

warning for body image rants/discussions of internalized fatphobia/mentions of disordered eating/general bullshit

so I was pawing through facebook photos looking for something (cough possibly an example of me wearing hideous early 00′s fashion, which, why, cough cough) and I stumbled across a session of my friend and I trying on wedding dresses about 9 years ago

and like...I remember looking back on these photos later and thinking I was fat??? I remember looking at these pictures after the fact with complete and utter disgust at how horrifically, disappointingly fat I was???? I didn’t feel too upset with this particular photo because hey, even if my arms were flabby disgusting twin beached whales, at least I kind of had an hourglass shape, right? But hoo boy, I wasn’t so kind with other photos...

like I remember looking at the following photo and wondering if I should even post it because look how fat my tummy was

and I remember being disappointed in myself here because I had *~*~gasp*~*~* gained weight in the preceding months

for the record, I’m just shy of 5′6″, and in these photos, my weight ranges anywhere from 135 to as low as 119. Even according to the bullshit BMI chart, that means that at times, I was verging on being unhealthily thin. I dimly remember looking at those figures and feeling weirdly proud of myself, even though at the same time, I was still disgusted, because my arms were still soooo flabby, my thighs were sooooo big and gross, my tummy pooch was soooo big and noticeable. Apparently being just an arm’s-length-away from “technically underweight” still wasn’t thin enough for me.

(and it wasn’t like I had issues with other folks’ weight. Other folks’ weight wasn’t something I really thought about or noticed all that much. I mean sure I noticed some people were bigger and smaller than others, the same way one notices hair color or skin tone or age or gender presentation. But I didn’t look at other women and think “Wow their arms are disgusting” or “Jeezus how about you lay off the third bag of Cheeto’s, huh buddy?” Those thoughts never extended to anyone else, they were all just sort of trapped and echoing around my own head. It was just this weirdly self-deprecating, self-loathing, self-centered bullshit.)

I don’t even know why I’m posting this tbh, except that today it really hit me just how skewed my perception of my own body was. It wasn’t a surprise that I had body image issues--struggling with a bout of disordered eating in earlier years (emetophobia, anyone?) that left me underweight for the bulk of my junior high experience meant that my perception of my own size and weight was thrown off-kilter before puberty even had a chance to strike--but I guess I just hadn’t realized just how bad those body image issues really were, even after I clawed my way back to normal eating. Today it just struck me how much time and energy and brainspace I wasted in my late teens to mid-twenties, just hating myself and how “fat” and “horrible” and “disgusting” I was.

(It doesn’t help, by the way. If you’re wondering. The self-hate, that is. It doesn’t keep the weight off. It just makes it easier to lapse into bad habits--because what’s the use of trying if you’re just a fat ugly garbage monster who will never be anything better?--and that just makes you hate yourself even more, which makes you acquire even more bad habits and treat yourself even worse, and wow, talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

I won’t lie, part of me still looks back on these photos with longing, wishing I was anywhere near that slim again, but damn. After starting meds and therapy, even on my roughest days, I rarely get close to the sort of extreme self-loathing I had back then. I would love to shed some weight and get into decent shape but I would take my current fluffy chubby self with her burgeoning confidence and gradual self-acceptance over my skinny anxiety-ridden self-hating self any day of the week.

so I guess the point of this is just--please don’t hate yourself. Especially please don’t hate yourself because of your weight. If you legitimately need to lose weight for health reasons, please do it in a healthy way. (Same if you need to gain weight!) But please do yourself a favor and take the self-hate out of the equation. Take the steps necessary to ensure your health but keep in mind that you’re so much more than a number on a scale or a tape measure. You’re worth so much more.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3