#the second he showed up i rolled my eyes and whispered “nooooooooo”

[franken-shits]

Spoiler for Beetlejuice beetlejuice so read at your own risk:

But my favorite part of the whole movie was when Jenna Ortegas evil indie ghost boyfriend is sent straight to hell through a trap door. It actually made me ijbol. I can't wait for the movie to come out on digital so I can start using it as a reaction gif

[dracofeltonmalfoy]

Cute Babies

Pairing: Draco x Y/N

Warnings: Swearing, mention of deaths, angst and fluff

Word Count: 5266

A/N: Baldy, no nose voldy doesn’t exist, Snape has a niece and his father is in this story. Also Lucius is nice.

This was a request, @bbeauttyybbx hope you like it hun! xxx

“Malfoy, if you DO NOT move out of my way, I will kick you in your groin like I did exactly 2 months ago and poor old Parkinson as well as the 6 other girls you were entertaining at the time were not able to get their sexual satisfaction from you and you weren’t able to piss without your dick hurting, so Mr Malfoy if you don’t want that to happen again I suggest you MOVE!” She screamed in Draco’s face. For a 5’2 girl who looks very angelic with her Y/H/L Y/H/C hair and shiny Y/E/C eyes, she sure was intimidating when she was angry, but the only person who found her anger very amusing and a form of entertainment was the platinum haired, 5’9, grey eyed boy, Draco Malfoy.

“Y/L/N, let's not make that mistake again, hmm? You know very well you only did that because you were jealous you weren’t in their place and to be very honest with you, you...will...never be. Just look at yourself, no fashion sense, so short and have been with every boy our age in slytherin. Do you think I’d really go for a girl like you?” Draco whispered in her ear, this was enough for Y/N to, once again, knee him, but before she could he grabbed her wrist and spun her around so her back was now against his chest and her arm twisted behind her. “No, darling. Don’t you dare try that again.”

“Malfoy, let me go or I swear I will hex you.”

“Try,”

“Malfoy, I’m going to say it again, let me go.”

“Hmmm, I’ll let you go, but only if you do one thing.”

“Oh hell no, I am not doing anything for you Malfoy, we can stand her for as long as you want then and be late to potions, but I am not doing anything you tell me too. And anyways, Snape loves me more than you, he is my mother’s brother after all.”

“Your wish is my command Y/L/N.” Draco’s grip on Y/N’s arm was getting tighter and tighter and Y/N knew she was going to have a print of his fingers on her arm, but there was no way she was going to tell him that he was hurting her. “Come on Y/L/N, it’s obvious you’re hurting, why don’t you listen to the deal.” She stood there quietly, giving no response, resulting in Draco tightening his grip even more, but this time using his free hand to grab her chin and turning it sideways so he could see her face. “Dump Zabini.” he breathed out

“Are you having a laugh Malfoy? Why would I dump my boyfriend because you told me to, not to mention my boyfriend of 2 years?”

“You answered your own question darling, because I told you to. And i’ll tell ya something else, right now, this very second Zabini is shagging your best friend in the broom cupboard.” after saying that the platinum haired boy let her out of his grip.

“Oh you’ve crossed the line Malfoy, you have crossed the fucking line.”

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me, let’s go to potions and see where your beloved boyfriend and best friend are shall we?”

“Go suck a dick, you git!”

Y/N ran to potions, her heart pounding and her head spinning. She stopped outside her class to see that Malfoy was right, both Blaise and Pansy were missing. “Told you so.” Malfoy whispered in her ear before entering the class.

“Mr Malfoy…oh and Y/N, why are you two so late?” Snape asked firmly, but before any more words were spoken, Y/N ran to the broom cupboard. Breathless, she whipped the door open to see her boyfriend, ex-boyfriend and best friend, ex-best friend all over each other.

“My grandfather will definitely be hearing about this, but for now MY UNCLE WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! YOU FILTHY LITTLE PEASANTS! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TWO? HOW DARE YOU DECEIVE ME? ME?!?! Y/N Y/L/N? ONE MINUTE, IT WILL TAKE ME LESS THAN A MINUTE TO FUCK YOUR LIVES UP!” Y/N screamed, her eyes fogging up, but she didn’t dare let a tear fall.

“Babe, babe it's not what you think it is I…”

“Oh sod off, you didn’t deserve me anyways, my papa was right, I should’ve gone for some with the same standards as me. He was right, you were only with me for the money!” She screamed, trying not to break down in front of them. “You look like you're about to shit yourself sweetheart, don't worry i’ll just think all the money I spent on you was charity.” And with that she stormed off to go to potions, leaving Zabini and Parkinson dreading what might happen next.

“Uncle?” Y/N whispered, her head down, trying hard not to let the class know she was crying.

“Y/N? Where did you go?” Snape questioned, looking at his deceased sister’s last memento.

“Can I please talk to you?”

“We are in a…”

“Now?” she looked up a bit and Snape saw her puffy eyes, but at the same time someone else did as well. He quickly gave the class some work to do, grabbed Y/N and left the class.

Draco sat at his desk, observing everything that happened. He should've been happy, he was happy, until he saw her puffy eyes, her red eyes, eyes filled with tears and pain. The girl, who never cried, the girl who didn’t even cry when her parents were killed, the girl who only spread happiness and joy was crying. Y/N told her uncle everything and to say her uncle was more relieved than angry was an understatement. “Y/N, they will be punished, I promise you, but I am extremely happy right now that the facade ended. You deserve someone who is as wealthy as you, someone who me and your papa think is reliable and we have chosen the someone for you.”

“You have?”

“Yes, after you have graduated this year we will be visiting your future in-laws, it was your mother’s wish to get you married straight after you graduated. I will not tell you who it is, but you will be happy with this decision and one more thing focus on your N.E.W.T.S, not on that stupid boy, go to your dorm now.” Snape finished and showed a rare sign of affection by kissing the top of the heartbroken girl’s head.

Summer Holidays

Y/N, her papa and Snape were standing outside Malfoy Manor. Y/N was shocked, extremely shocked, her jaw was practically touching the floor. “Papa?” “Yes, my angel.” “THE Malfoys?” “Yes, my angel.” “THE Malfoys?” “I thought we already answered that question, but yes my angel.” “Papa, nooooooooo, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pweaseeeeeee.” Y/N begged, with the cutest, most innocent puppy eyes and sad face. “No, father. No! Do not look at her and do not apparate back.” Snape said, receiving a glare from Y/N. “Angel, I don’t know how long i’m going to live and this is the last of your parents’ last wishes, please try to understand and not put up a fuss.” Y/N’s grandfather told her, he knew these words would melt Y/N a tiny bit and she would agree. “Fine, but please don’t talk about death, I don’t want to lose you two as well, you are the only good things I have left.” And with that said a house elf appeared and escorted them inside the manor.

Y/N was wearing a long red silk dress that showed off her curves, her hair braided like a crown at the top and the rest of her hair curled and down. She looked breathtaking. “Good afternoon, it’s lovely seeing you here Mr Snape, Severus and Miss Y/L/N.” a voice called, it was Lucius Malfoy. “Good afternoon son, good afternoon Narcissa, where is the young Malfoy?” Y/N’s papa questioned and Y/N tried her hardest not to roll her eyes at his name. “He’ll be down by the time we have settled down in the dining room.” Narcissa replied sweetly, she was Y/N’s favourite Malfoy, sweet and kind, she sometimes reminded her of her own mother.

When they entered the dining room, Draco was standing there waiting for them. The two teens made very awkward eye contact, to say the least, and Y/N could’ve sworn she saw Draco blush.

Draco’s POV

Fucking hell she looks amazing. What the hell? You hate her, you hate her, you hate her, well you don’t hate her, you dislike her. Right? Repeat the mantra Draco, you dislike her, you dislike her, you.. “Draco darling, come sit down. We all know Y/N looks beautiful tonight, no need to make her feel awkward.” Mother teased. Shit! Was I staring for that long? I took a seat in front of Y/N, which was probably the worst decision i’ve made tonight, and “So, should we talk about the wedding now or after dinner?” Father asked. “I think after dinner is perfect, an old man needs to fill his stomach up before making big decisions.” Y/N’s grandfather laughed and Y/N smiled and shook her head. Merlin, she looked angelic.

During dinner I think I looked at her about 50 times, very slyly, obviously. Me, the Slytherin Prince, being sly, as easy as pie. “Do I have something on my face?” Shit, she’s caught me. “Huh? I mean pardon?” “Do...I...have...something...on...my...face?” “You didn’t have to say it like I have a hearing problem! I can hear very well thanks!” “Well, you were the one who said ‘huh, pardon?’ not me! SO I thought maybe you’ve developed a hearing problem of some sort. Also, I asked you a question so stop avoiding it!” “Who said I was avoiding your silly question? To answer your question Y/L...Y/N, yes there is! Your nose, your eyes, your lips, your eyebrows, there's a lot on your face!” “Have you never…why are you guys laughing?” Y/N asked the elders around us “Oh nothing dear, how wonderful! Young love! What a beauty!” mother answered. “Young WHAT?” Both of us questioned, together! “Young love children, it always starts off with some teasing and bickering. You two already sound like a married couple!”

“Draco, please give Y/N the wonderful, wonderful, gift you have selected for her.” “Yes, mother. Y/N, here, this is for you.” I handed her a velvet box that had a green emerald pendant in it, mother had chosen it, because I didn’t know about this arrangement until yesterday night and I expect Y/N didn’t as well. “Thanks, um…” “Here angel give this to Draco. Son, Y/N selected this for you, with a lot of love.” “I did? I did, yeh I did! Um...here you go, hope you like it haha.” Ok she definitely didn’t pick it and she definitely didn’t know about this arrangement either. I opened the box to see a snake ring, not that I needed anymore, but I still liked it. “Thank you, I do like it.”

“Draco, son, why don’t you and Y/N go for a walk, we’ll call you when dessert is ready?” Mother offered, well basically told me, I nodded my head and waited for Y/N to stand up. I walked out and she was behind me, walking so slowly. We got to the garden and I turned around to see Y/N missing. “Y/N? Y/N? For Salazar’s sake Y/N are you that dumb you can’t follow a 5’9 guy properly? Y/N!” I yelled and to my surprise she was knelt down in front of the roses, looking at them in awe, like they were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. “I was shouting your name Y/L/N, you could’ve at least told me you’re here!” “Oh, you were? The thing is, the two words you call me are midget or Y/L/N, so I couldn’t hear my first name from your pretty mouth.” “Pretty mouth? You think I have a pretty mouth? Well you will be thrilled to know that after marriage this pretty mouth will be all yours!” I smirked, but internally cursing myself for being such an idiotic flirt, that was such a stupid pick up line, if you would even call it a pick up line.

“Thank you.” she said softly. “Thank you? I should say thank you, you complimented..” “No, you git! Thank you for telling me about Bla...those two.” She looked down towards her feet. “Y/N/N, um, Y/N, shit um, Y/L/N, I…it’s um...you don’t need to thank me. I...um...I…” “So first you call me by my first name, then you call me by my nickname and now you stutter as well? Any other surprises Draco?” DRACO! SHE CALLED ME DRACO! I SWEAR MY HEART DID 5 SOMERSAULTS IN 2 SECONDS! Her saying my first name was so damn cute. “I’m sorry.” “Oh for fucks sake another surprise! THE Draco Malfoy apologizing, now that really is a surprise!” She laughed anndddddd there we go again my heart flipping over and over again. “But honestly, jokes apart, why are you saying sorry?” “Because I made you cry that day.” “Not the first time.” “Oh, wait, I've made you cry before?” “Mhm, but forget that…” “No, no, no forgetting, please tell me.” “Anddddd another surprise. Draco, are you sure you’re not drunk?” “No, I'm not.” I grabbed her hand and led her to the bench near us and sat down, patting the place next to me telling her to sit down. To my surprise, she actually did. “Do you remember in first year I was wearing an old rusty watch?” “Yes?” “And you made fun of me for having all the money in the world, but wearing a rusty old watch like a mudbl...that word. That was my late mother’s watch, it was the first present my father got her when they got married, with his own money, not his inheritance. And it was thrown in the bin, because it wasn’t slytherin enough” Oh shit. “Then when you broke my quill?” “I didn’t Goyle did.” “You stood there and laughed, you stood there and encouraged him. That was my late father’s lucky quill and he gave it to me before he died and said my lucky charm gets my lucky quill, I don’t need this when I have you with me.” I was such a prick. “Then when…” “I...I can't hear anymore Y/N, I am sorry, I really am sorry.”

I look up to see tears rolling down her cheeks. I made her cry again. “Y/N/N I am so sorry, please, please don’t cry. Please love please. Please don’t cry.” I moved forward so I was sitting right next to her. Hesitantly, I brought her into my chest and wrapped my arms around her, one arm resting on the back of her head and one on her back. “Sshh, sshh it’s fine, it’ll all be ok, i’m so sorry, so so sorry. I am a fuck up, a big fuck up.” I moved my hands to each side of her cheek, wiping away the tears with my thumbs. “Do you know why I was a dick to you? It won’t really justify what I did, but it is something. I don’t know how to handle feelings Y/N, I show the same emotions to people I love, people I hate, people I like and people I dislike. The only person I’m not like that with is my mother. When I first saw you, I practically died there and then, I didn’t know how someone could look so beautiful, then after Christmas when I heard your parents passed away, I thought you’d be broken, but no, you were still smiling, giggling, enjoying yourself and to be honest I was jealous. How could someone be so strong. Then you got your first boyfriend, who wasn’t me, that killed me. Then you broke up after 2 years and he hurt you, so I hurt him and he broke both his arms during a quidditch game, even though we were in the same team and Ravenclaw got the blame. Then literally 6 months later you and Zabini got into a relationship, even though he knew I had feelings for you. If I really hated you Y/N, I would’ve stayed quiet about the fact that Zabini was cheating on you with Pansy. I kept trying to tell myself that I hate you, I dislike you, but everytime I see that smile of yours I can’t stop. Y/N/N, I’ve liked you since first year and I know it’s hard to believe, but I have.” Woah, okay I got that out of the way, but why wasn’t she replying?

Her mouth was wide open, eyes practically popping out of her head and she was frozen, I swear for a minute I thought someone had frozen her. “Can you please reply? I’m kinda shitting myself here.” Why did I say that? I mentally facepalmed myself. “What the fuck Draco? What the actual fuck? You can’t just be a dick for 7 years then say you love, well like me and then expect me to answer within 2 minutes of you saying that! I need time to actually let my brain function and understand what just happened!” “Um, ha, yeh, um...take as much time as…” “Oh, I will, thank you very much!” “Actually, um...could you kinda hurry up, because your silence and glare are kinda scaring me.” “Mhm.” “Mhm?” “Mhm” “Mhm?” “Mhm” “Mhm?” M FUCKING HM! NOW SHUT UP!” “I...sorry.” She looks so cute when she’s angry, wow. It started to rain ever so slightly, but looking up at the sky, it was obvious it was going to be pouring with rain very soon.

“I can’t believe it took you 7 years to say that you git! You are cute and tall and you have really nice eyes and you are quite handsome. We would have cute babies.” She started talking and I choked on my own spit. “Did I interrupt you when you were talking?” “No, sorry.” I cleared my throat. “I did have a little, now don’t suddenly have an ego boost, right where was I? Yeh! I did have a little crush on you, since we became potions partners, even though you were the world’s biggest prick. KEYWORD Malfoy, were! What I’m tryna get at here is, maybe, well yeah I like you too, but because both of us are, KEYWORDS AGAIN Draco, ARE AND WE, um where was I again? Yeh. We are so stubborn we didn’t tell each other that. Ok so what i’m gonna say is big, but don’t freak out, but I think the decision for us to get married was the right decision, but wrong time, but now I feel like it’s the right decision right…”I cut her off by cupping her cheeks and kissing her, she was shocked at first, but then our lips were moving in sync and that’s when I realised what I had done. Once again mentally facepalming myself during the kiss. Merlin, she was hard to resist, she’s adorable.

As I had expected it was pouring with rain and honestly, I just wanted time to stop, Y/N with me, it’s pouring with rain, how romantic! Oh if she heard me she’d think I’m so cringey. I pulled away and “Um sorry, I interrupted you again.” “This is the one interruption I don’t mind.” she said laughing and I could feel my face heating up and going red. This time, she pulled me in to kiss, her soft hands going around and wrapping around my neck and my hands resting on her waist. But obviously I couldn’t have a good moment without being interrupted. “Papaaaaa, THE Malfoys? THE Malfoys? Papaaaa noooooooo, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pweaseeeeeeee. You two are the only good things I have lefttttttt. Angel, you said these words, not even 2 hours ago.” “Papa? Um, I, you always say you’re right and you’ll always make good decisions for me, so um I was just checking if the decision is really good or not.” Y/N laughed awkwardly, realised what she said and, “No, I meant, we were, um I don’t know, Draco?” “Oh um, Sir, we were getting to know each othe...ouch!” Y/N stepped on my foot and I realised what I had just said, we were stuck in a messy situation. “Oh kids, you youngsters say you understand jokes, but looking at your flustered states I don’t think you do.” Mr Snape laughed and we awkwardly laughed with him. “Once you’ve finished what you’ve started, come down and have dessert, just make sure Severus doesn’t see you two or he’ll probably hex you son.” “Papppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” “See you in the dining room angel” And with that Y/N’s papa walked off laughing.

“One good thing Malfoy, one damn good thing was happening and you fuck up again!” “Fuck up, excuse you, but I didn’t invite your papa to walk into us snogging did I?” “Well, you could’ve, I don’t know, been more alert of the situation, kept your eyes open, looking out for people!” “Oh wow, so you expect me to keep my eyes open mid make out to look out for people. Darling, don’t you think that’s a bit creepy?” “No, well, yes, but no, but yes. Oh for fucks sake Draco! You’re so annoying!” Y/N starts walking stomping away. “Hey, we haven’t finished what we started!” “Sod off Malfoy, go finish it off with Parkinson!” Parkinson? Where did she come from? “OI! Come back!” I yelled, grabbing her wrist and pulling her into me before slamming my lips onto hers. Breathless, I reluctantly pull back, “Finish what we started off remember? Now, where were we again?” And we did finish off what we started, the only problem was that we didn’t want it to finish and we had to finish it so someone else (Severus Snape) didn't walk in on us making out. I quickly said a drying spell and we went back to the dining room.

Reader’s POV

“Welcome back children. Hope you enjoyed your time together.” Narcissa greeted the two, “Your wedding has been scheduled to be next month, 9th to be exact. Y/N as I am sure Severus and your grandfather have no idea how to shop for wedding dresses, Narcissa will take you.” “Yes, Sir, that’s perfectly fine.” “Oh please don’t call me Sir, you can call me father.” “Thank you.” “Tomorrow you and Draco will go out for lunch, I have booked you two a table. It is at 1:30 exactly, please do not be late.” “Um, I will be there, thank you.” “No need to say thank you dear.”

The Next Day

1:30 went to 1:40 to 1:50 to 2:00 to 2:30, but there was no sign of the young Malfoy and Y/N was getting very, very annoyed. “I’m leaving!” Y/N mumbled. “Y/N! Wait up!” Malfoy yelled, extremely out of breath. “WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS? I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR AN HOUR DRA...MALFOY AND YOU ARE LATE! ENJOY THIS LUNCH BY YOURSELF, BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED! TAKE WHOEVER HELD YOU UP TO THIS LUNCH! I AM NOT HUNGRY!” and with that Y/N apparated back to her home. “Great, now what do I do?” Draco asked himself, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That git…” “Language.” “That boy was 1 hour late papa! I hate people who aren’t punctual! I can’t trust him, what if he’s late to our wedding?” “So you’re already thinking about your wedding?” “No...I…” “Go freshen up sweetheart. You seem tired” “Ok papa.”

WHOOSH! “What the..” “Hey!” Malfoy said. “Malfoy, before just apparating into someone's bedroom you should really apparate outside and knock first! As you can see I am currently wrapped in only a towel and I do not appreciate you turning up like this! You either turn up late or turn up without warning!” Y/N yelled, “Well I was late and you left, so I decided I’ll surprise you and turn up at your home” and to tease her more the platinum haired boy walked closer and closer, until Y/N’s knees hit the bed and she fell backwards. Draco leaned over her and whispered “You said something about us having cute babies yesterday, wouldn’t mind trying that out.” He stood back up and turned around, “I’ll wait for you downstairs, I have a little surprise for you.” And with that he left, leaving a very flustered Y/N laying on her bed, blushing like a maniac.

“Angel, look who’s here!” Y/N’s papa pointed towards Draco and Draco greeting her like he hadn’t just seen her half naked and left her extremely flustered 15 minutes ago. “What a very pleasant surprise!” Y/N greeted, very sarcastically. “Sir..” “Call me papa” “Papa, if I have your permission, could I take your angel somewhere today. Even though we were in the same school, same house, same year, we don’t know much about each other. I’d like to spend the day getting to know her.”

“Getting to know her? Like yesterday?” “PAPAAAAAA!” “I’m just joking angel.” “Son, come here quickly.” “Yes papa?” “Please do use protection if you get that far.” Mr Snape whispered in Draco’s ear, this time leaving Draco flustered, but Y/N overheard “PAPAAAA! OMG! DRACO GO OUTSIDE I’LL COME IN A MINUTE!” “Oh angel, look how red you have gotten, but please be safe.” “BYE PAPA!” “Bye angel.”

“You want babies, but papa wants us to use protection, pray tell me how that works?” “DRACOOOOOO!” “I haven’t even done anything and you’re already screaming my name.” “I will strangle you!” “Kinky.” “MALFOYYYY.” “Draco sounds better.” “That’s it, go where you wanna go alone, I’m not going with you.” “But I need you to have babies, I can’t have babies by myself, even though they would be perfect.” “DRACO! I AM GOING BACK HOME! AGAIN! ENJOY!” “Final decision?” “YUP!” Draco picked Y/N up bridal style, “PUT ME DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” “The more you cooperate the quicker we get there sweetheart.” and led her to a very posh restaurant, different to the one from lunch, putting her down when they were at the door. They enter, have a lovely meal, get to know each other more (with words and quite a lot of kissing, let’s say more kissing than words) and when they had finished eating, Draco grabbed Y/N’s hand and said “Y/N, I know I've been a dick to you and I know I don’t deserve you. You are so beautiful, so adorable and yes we would have the cutest babies, mainly because of you and in order for that to happen you have to become Mrs Malfoy,” He got down on one knee and finished it off “Will you do the honour of marrying me, completing me and helping me become better? Will you Miss Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N marry me?” Y/N was in tears, she was an emotional wreck and to make it worse Draco stood up and before putting a ring on her finger, handed her two things, a watch that was EXACTLY like her mother’s and a quill that was EXACTLY like her father’s lucky quill.

“Dray…” she whispered, knowing if she spoke any louder she'd be sobbing. “I had to, we do need your parents' blessing as well and I didn’t want to feel guilty about the mistakes I made in the past and then look at you everytime and be reminded of all the times I made you cry and...this was the reason I was late earlier as well, I’m sorry my love. ” “YOU GIT! CAN YOU EVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT MAKING ME CRYYYYYYYY?” “Hmmmmm, would making babies make you cry?” “DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!” “Hey, I don’t wanna hear my father’s name being screamed in the process.” “DRACOOOO!” “That’s better, but we haven’t even started, Merlin, you wouldn’t last 10 minutes.” He chuckled, earning a big slap on the chest from Y/N. “You haven’t answered my question. Will you marry me?” “Do I have a choice? I do want cute babies.” “So, yes?” “Yes!” He slid the Malfoy ring on her finger and they shared a passionate, loving kiss, both melting into each other. “Do you want me to keep my eyes open?” Draco teased. “Draco, if you want me to kiss you then you need to shut up before you lose the privilege to be kissed.” “Mhm, mhm. You wouldn’t want that though.” “Just kiss me you sap” and before they could deepen the kiss, “I hope you remember my advice son!” Y/N’s grandfather yelled from outside the window. “PAPAAAAAAAAAA!” “How does he turn up every time I’m kissing you?” “If I knew don’t you think I’d make sure it doesn’t happen again? Draco use your brain for once.” the two lovers chuckled

Marriage Day

“Are you ready angel?” “I think I am papa.” “Then let’s go, they’re waiting for us.” The doors opened and all eyes were on Y/N, she looked stunning and Draco could not get his eyes off of her. “Holy shit,” he mumbled, earning a nudge from his father. The vows are said and they were pronounced husband and wife, Mr and Mrs Malfoy, finishing it off with a sweet kiss. Y/N’s grandfather goes up to the newly wedded couple and whispers “Remember the advice I gave you last month? Don’t use that today.” “papaaa,” Y/N whispered, her papa leaving the two of them blushing and shaking their heads while he went and sat down. “Well at least we now know when we can start making cute babies.” Draco whispered “You’re such an idiot.” “I’m your idiot,” “Sap” “Only for you.”

Quite some time later

“Daddy?” “Yes Angel?” “Me and Shcorp have a question.” “Go ahead.” “Shcorp you ask.” “Daddy?” “Yes Scorpius?” “Did you and mummy have an argument last night?” “No sweetheart we didn't, why'd you ask?” Y/N asked, giving the twins milkshakes, Draco his coffee and sitting down next to him drinking her own coffee. Draco wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her closer to him and then gave her a confused look and she shrugged her shoulders in response. “Because we heard mummy shout your name quite a few times last night.” “JDCIFDOIACODJNAOVCD” Y/N and Draco both choked on their coffees, red in the face and extremely embarrassed, both coughing their lungs out staring at each other not knowing what to do or say. “My lovely children, have you heard of the term making cute babies?” Y/N’s papa came in and asked. The innocent children shaking their heads and their poor parents growing redder and redder. “Well, that’s what was happening.” the old man laughed. “PAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Draco and Y/N shouted, very very embarrassed. To hide her embarrassment she hid her face in Draco’s chest. “So you were making cute babies? WE WANT TO MAKE CUTE BABIES!” “SCORP! ANGEL! NO!” the embarrassed couple yelled, “Children let your parents do that job.” “PAPPPPAAAAAAAAAA!” 

Y/N was right when she said they’d make cute babies, because the two kids sitting in front of them were the cutest and most beautiful kids anyone had seen.

taglist:

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[theriverpersonshadow]

Lamia Drama Part 8

WELL THAT GOT LONGER THAN I INTENDED. But I guess that’s what happens when you have a majority of the people in one place XD

I hope this chapter went well... It felt kinda rambly, but it was fun seeing people play off each other. It was hard to get the same level of depth with characters as previous chapters with so many, but hey, interactions are fun too! Hope you guys enjoy.

As always, the species of lamia in this fic belong to @vex-bittys

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           Keith and the rest found Alex pretty easily. And a few other lamia that were either allowed free roam or had just slipped out. She didn’t seem to notice the onlookers, more caught up in petting Oozy… who wasn’t technically in his hammock. Maybe it’s best he didn’t make that bet with Hux earlier. Sure, Oozy’s close to the hammock, but Hux would absolutely rules lawyer him and demand snacks because he’s not in the hammock. Hux was a rule stickler… when and only when it helped him in some way. Eh, Keith could roll with it though (even if his dice sometimes couldn’t, but that’s what a DM screen is for).

           Keith was hesitant to break up the cute moment between the two – Oozy was apparently having the time of his life, and Alex seemed pretty wrapped up in it herself, humming some tune or another while stroking him. Keith listened, trying to place it, but…

           She was repeating it, huh? Was that the only part of the song she knew? Then again, it seemed like the good part, whatever it was. Easy enough to pick up too. Keith started humming along.

Hux rolled his eyes, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like “great, two of them” and slithered over, “Yo. Girl person. Ya coming or what?”

Alex looked up, “I mean, yeah, I think? Coming where?”

“nooooooooo…” Oozy said, taking her hand and putting it back on his head. “Sorry guys. I’m stealing her. She’s my personal petter now. That’s the rules.”

“Since when?!” Hux said.

Oozy looked a moment, then licked her hand. “I licked her, she’s mine.”

Keith stared at him in shock, not sure whether to laugh or slap him. “Dude.”

Nikolai gave a heavy sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “Don’t lick party members. Or people in general.”

           “How does that work anyways? You’re a skeleton,” Alex said.

           “Maaaagic,” Keith said, wiggling his fingers in emphasis. “In other words, uh… Monster biology is weird. Or half monster biology. Whatever the fuck we are.”

           Nikolai nodded, “More or less, yes. I can explain it in more detail later, if you’d prefer.” He started coming forward and Alex inched away. Keith hissed before he could catch himself, but Nikolai didn’t seem offended. Instead, he lowered himself in a bow, “And I’d like to apologize for how I acted earlier… I’ll admit I, erm… Overreacted. But we’ve had issues in the past of people coming in to steal babies or eggs, one of the fools tried to snag a mamba egg and got himself killed. I just get a bit jumpy about strangers around them.”

           Alex nodded, relaxing a little, but still staring off at a clock instead of Nikolai. Her hand continued to run across Oozy as she said, “I get it. They’re just little dudes, too freaking small. And some are venomous. Not like you knew me.”

           “Still, I should’ve given you more of a chance or at least asked you politely to leave before turning to threat displays,” Nikolai said.

           “Eh… It was my fault,” Keith said. “I should’ve warned ya I was bringing someone in. Anyways, let’s try this again. Alex, this is Nikolai. He could probably fuck you up, but he’s everyone’s mom.”

           Nikolai made no move to deny it.

           “Hux here is the grumpy snake. He’ll warm up to ya.”

           “No I won’t.”

           Keith rolled his eyes, “He’s just a grump.”

           Hux mumbled to himself.

           “I think you’ve met Oozy pretty well by now.”

           “Sup,” Oozy said, making absolutely zero movement.

           “And, erm… Nikolai, you’ve got Trousle, right.”

           “Hello human! I’m Trousle! Please let me say hi.” Said Trousle’s little speaker. He was poking out from Nikolai’s sleeve, apparently wrapped around his arm.

           “He’s mute, but he’s pretty fast at typing. Got his own phone and everything,” Keith said, watching this girl intently. Apparent soulmate or not, if she was dick about Trousle, she was out of here. She might’ve earned Oozy’s enthusiastic (well… enthusiastic by his standards, dude looked like a kid in a candy store, but the world’s laziest kid) approval, but he wasn’t going to let an asshole mess with the little dude. Hux would warm up, that was more him being a bit of an ass than her, but he’d get over it… probably.

           “Oh that’s cool! Do you have a phone number? Honestly I think my fingers work better than my mouth sometimes, but I guess talking out loud doesn’t really have a backspace key? But yeah! C’mere… Wait, I can hold him, right? Snakes are just, like, noodle puppies.” She paused, looking at everyone in the room. “I’d offer to hold you guys, but I am literally the second smallest person in here. I mean, guess we can try, but I don’t think it’ll go well?”

           Keith snorted. Gosh, she was something, huh? A little awkward, but who wouldn’t be super awkward in this situation?

           Nikolai brought Trousle over and she draped him around her neck. He nuzzled her cheek, giving her little scratches behind the ear.

           … should someone tell him that she’s not a dog?

           …

           Naaaaaaaaaah. She didn’t seem to mind anyways,

           Hux made a fake-gagging gesture at the two and Keith rolled his eyes, whispering at them, “Oh let’em have this. It’s cute.”

           “I’m getting diabetes. Like, right now. They’re just beaming diabetes across the room.”

           “Be nice,” Nikolai said, “It’s not going to kill you to have to actually smile at a human once in a while.”

           “Yes it will. It’s, like, a terminal thing. If I smile at a human, I will instantly turn to dust.”

           No such condition had ever existed and likely never would.

           Keith’s first instinct was to back up Nikolai, but it was almost an in-joke that he’d at least try to defend Hux no matter how clearly in the wrong the guy was. Admittedly, it was as often as not either due to boredom or just feeling bad for the guy…

           It’s not like Hux didn’t have a point – a point that he had iterated in frustrated, sometimes tear-filled tirades at least a few dozen times. He didn’t want to be treated like a pet, he’s allowed to not want to be a pet. Sure, not every adopter is like that. Some might’ve been looking for pets, yeah, but just as many want a kid or a friend, especially with full sized lamia. It could be more or less just like adopting any other monster, save for needing a good deal more raw meat. But Hux didn’t see it that way… Not that Keith ever blamed him. There wasn’t a huge market for full-sized Corals, their reputation as being stubborn, a bit lazy, and tsundere as hell was cute in something you could pick up and snuggle as it chirped indignantly and secretly enjoyed it – like an extra intelligent, reptilian cat – but less so when it was just as big as you and probably stronger. Everyone wanted a housecat, no one wanted a mountain lion. Or those that did need something to growl and hiss would probably pick Kings or Mambas.

           Nikolai gave a long-suffering sigh, “You will not turn to dust if you’re forced to be nice every now and then.”

           “Yeah I will. It’ll, like, strangle my soul or some shit. Keith, back me up here. Tell ‘im.”

           Nikolai had the distinct impression of a haggard mom trying to reason with an unruly kid. He just looked so done. Dude could handle customers, angry mamba moms, being a jungle gym for babies, and training employees who may or may not have believed he knew he what he was doing, but Hux was his breaking point.

           Keith stifled a chuckle, stuffing his hands in his pockets as his mind worked over what to do… He didn’t want to just abandon Hux – Nikolai would know it was just him being a loyal bro – but Alex wouldn’t. She might not’ve been looking at them, but he caught the way she kept glancing over…

           “Welp, ya heard him. He’s sick. I prescribe ten CC’s of coffee with extra sugar and bribery with shiny objects.”

           Hux’s head popped up, body at attention. “I’m listening… How many shiny objects are we talking.”

           “… we’re not bribing him.”

           “I’ve got extra dice?” Alex said hesitantly. Trousle was looking at her in concern, patting her face. She said, “I mean, I kinda like having all my dice, but I guess I don’t need seven sets… I’m keeping the black ones though, they’re good for fight scenes. And the orange ones, they were my first set ever and are not for sale. Also, the green and purple ones are just a fae vibe, I’m keeping them. They’re just average, but I like them.” Pause. “And the lesbian dice are mine. They won’t like you anyways, you’re a boy.”

           All of them nodded understandingly. You could only play DnD so long and not get irrationally attached to the colorful little click clack rocks of fate.

           “That counts as one shiny object,” Hux said.

           “There are seven in each set!” Pause. “Well, more or less. I’ve lost some over the years.”

           “You’ve got a point… More dice for the dice dragon! Mwahahahah!” Hux said, hamming it up.

           Keith’s mouth twitched into a grin as he shook his head at the goof. How was he this cute? Just… goober. His friend is a total goof sometimes.

           “Can I try the lesbian dice?” Trousle asked, holding himself at an awkward position to type.

           “I… I guess? Just give them back after…” Alex said. She ran a finger across Trousle’s head, smiling as he let out little breathy attempts to “Nyeh.”

           “Why are they lesbians anyways? Do they only work for girls?” Nikolai said.

           “Here, lemme show you.” She unzipped one of the pouches on her bag and brought out a baggy full of dice that were lesbian flag colored. “My friend got them for me for Christmas.”

           “That’s amazing. I want twelve,” Keith said.

           “You’re not a lesbian… or a girl! I think… I mean, if there’s something you want to tell us, that’s fine, but I was under the impression you weren’t even interested in relationships,” Nikolai said.

           “Maybe I could get, like… Dice that are for people who are just no.”

           “Ace and aro. Probably,” Alex said.

           “Oh cool. Words for it. Nice!”

           “Give me words for friends with everyone! I want a flag too!”

           “I… I don’t know if there’s a flag for that? Maybe we could put a dog on a flag? It’d be hard to make dice with dogs on them though,” Alex said.

           “Ya could put a little dog face on every side and interpret the roll based on how much they’re a Good Boy,” Keith said.

           “That would only roll Nat 20’s,” Alex said, deadpan.

           “… good point. It could be the luckiest dice,” Keith said, grinning.

           “I AM THE GOODEST BOY. Give me dog dice.” Trousle said, tucking the phone away to throw his little fists in the air, a gleam in his eye as he sat on Alex’s head.

           Keith laughed. “Oh my gosh. I mean, that sounds adorable, but, uh… I think that miiiiight be a little too game breaking, even for me.”

           “Give me dog dice.” He slithered back down to around Alex’s neck, holding himself out towards Keith the best he could and giving some mix between a glare and a pout.

           “Trousle no.”

           “Trousle YES,” Alex said.

           Troulse nodded enthusiastically, bouncing in place so hard that he fell off and Alex yelped as she caught him.

“Are you alright?!”

           Trousle gave a thumbs up, coiling around her arm.

           Oozy had apparently fallen asleep on the floor, so Hux poked him with a stick, making Oozy whine. “Soooooo… Are we gonna get Glitterass, or are we just shadow banning him from this? I mean, I wouldn’t say no if we are…”

           “We should probably go get him, yeah,” Keith said. “Ya ready Alex? Liam’s a mamba, and one of his eyes don’t work. Try to stay on his good side, literally. Metaphorically too if you want, but he doesn’t like having people where he can’t see or hear them well.” Not that anyone would like that, just courtesy really, but maybe not something you’d think of immediately.

           Alex nodded, “Alright, let’s go!”

[awkwardlyflustered]

It’s Good To Have You Back

A/N: This was requested by @cactus-lad, I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for this prompt! It was so much fun to write. Sorry for the weird characterization. 

“Klaus,” Ben said poking Klaus for what had to be the millionth time, “Klaus wake up.” Ben continued to poke Klaus for the next five minutes before sighing and pushing Klaus off of the bed. Klaus fell with a loud thud.

“What the hell? Why am I on the- Ben!”

“Sorry, but it’s ten you should be up by now.”

“Whatever,” Klaus rolled his eyes, “Is that all you need? Or can I go back to sleep?”

“Well I kinda need your help with something,” Ben confessed.

“Well? What do you need?” Klaus asked, finally getting off the floor.

“Okay, so you know how I’m a ghost and everything?” Klaus just nodded in response. “Okay, and you know that because of that people can’t really touch me?” Another nod. “Okay, well I kinda need you to use your powers to fix that. Even if just for a little while.”

“Yeah, I can do that, it’s pretty easy. But why do you want me to do that?” Klaus asked. Ben’s face went bright red.

“You have to promise you wont laugh at me,” Ben stated, face still bright red. Klaus held up his pinkie and Ben tried to grab it, but ended up going right through it. 

“Oh sorry, hold on one sec,” Klaus said then scrunched his face up in concentration, “Okay, try it now.” Ben attempted once again to grab Klaus’ pinkie, but this time it worked. So the two boys made their “pinkie promise” both giggling happy remembering all the pinkie promises from their childhood.

“Okay, well you know how when we were little we used to get into all those little tickle fights?”

“Mhm.”

“Well I kinda really miss being tickled by everyone.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Why don’t we go downstairs and see if everybody is interested?” Klaus asked, a smile growing on his face. Ben nodded happily, running past Klaus and down the stairs. In all of his excitement though, he tripped and fell down the last three stairs.

“Ah! Ow, you stupid stairs,” Ben whined rubbing his head.

“Five did you hear that?” Diego asked Five, who was sitting with him in the living room.

“Yeah, it sounded just like, BEN!” Five jumped up from his chair hugging Ben who just came into the room. “Wait, why can I hug you?” Five questioned looking Ben up and down.

“Because I used my powers,” Klaus responded, casually leaning in the doorway. Five just nodded hugging Ben again.

“Hey, don’t hog him. He’s my brother too you know,” Diego said giving Ben a tight squeeze. 

“Where’s everybody else?” Ben asked, eagerly looking around the room.

“Luther and Allison went to go see Claire, and Vanya went to orchestra practice,” Diego responded.

“Okay, well I’ll just say hi when they get back.”

“So why’d you make Klaus make it so we can touch you again?” Five asked, getting straight to the point, “Not that I’m complaining or anything.”

“Well, um, about that, I, well, um,-”

“He want’s to be tickled by you guys, he misses being tickled like when we were kids,” Klaus interrupted, causing Ben’s face to turn that brilliant shade of red again.

“Yeah, what he said.”

“Well that can certainly be arranged,” Five said tackling Ben. Diego slowly walked over to Ben, watching with an amused smirk as Five tried to wrestle him down.

“I thought you said you wanted this?” Klaus questioned, the same amused smirk present on his face.

“Well yeah, but what fun is it without the fight?”

“Well in that case I should help,” Klaus stated, kneeling down to where Ben and Five were scuffling and grabbed Ben’s arms holding them down firmly.

“Thanks,” Five said, slightly out of breath. After that Five wasted no more time, and immediately dug into Ben’s ribs. Causing him to already thrash around and laugh.

“WAAAAAAAAIT! IIIIIIIIII WAAAAAASN’T REAAAAAAADY!” 

“Aw, poor baby, you weren’t ready? Too bad,” Five teased. After a couple of minutes of digging into Ben’s ribs Five got bored and moved down to his stomach. This sent Ben into a whole new level of hysterics. “Diego, are you going to help? Or just watch the show?”

“Well, if you insist, I suppose I’ll help,” Diego said, already unlacing Ben’s shoes.

“NOOOOOO, DIIIIIEGOOOOO, PLEEEAAASE, NOOOOOT THEEEEERRRRRR.”

“Alright, fine, I’ll start here then,” Diego said rapidly squeezing Ben’s knees. Ben thrashed around so much that Diego had to help hold him down. “Wow, Five, look someone with knees almost as ticklish as yours,” Diego taunted, never stopping the torturous squeezing of his knees.

“Shut up,” Five responded, face red. Diego just laughed then moved up to Ben’s thighs and Ben literally shrieked then fell back into the loud, boyish laughter that he had been producing before. 

“What was that?” Klaus asked while laughing and ghosting over Ben’s neck causing him to squeak.

“Did you just squeak?” Five asked still going strong on his stomach.

“NOOOOOOOOO, THAAAAAAT WAAAAAASN’T A SQUEAAAAAK.”

“Well if that didn't make you squeak then this definitely will,” Five said leaning down and blowing a huge raspberry right over his belly button and digging his fingers into his sides. Ben made some kind of unrecognizable noise, the only thing that we could tell you from that noise was that it sure as hell wasn't a manly one. Everyone laughed at Ben’s reaction while still doing their respective tasks. Five continued with the raspberries, driving Ben up a wall. Meanwhile, Diego started finishing the task he had started before.

“NOOOOO, DIIIIIEGOOO, NOOOOOT YEEET, IIIIII CAAAAN’T BREAAATHE!”

“Well why don't we go just a couple more minutes, then we’ll give you a breather, deal?” Diego asked. Ben just nodded in response, there was no way he would be able to make coherent words. Klaus kept teasing Ben’s neck while whispering teases into his ears. Five continued on with the raspberries, the only thing he would switch would be the other place he was tickling. He would go between ribs, underarms, hips, and sides. Diego just lightly traced little designs all over Ben’s knees. The boys continued this until Ben went into silent laughter, which took about 10 minutes.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Diego asked once Ben had kind of caught his breath. Ben nodded, his face turning red once again. 

“You know you don’t have to be embarrassed by this, we totally get it,” Five comforted when he saw Ben’s face.

“Yeah, just the other day Five came to me asking for the same thing,” Diego said, earning himself a punch from Five.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Five complained, his face now turning red. Diego just waved Five off.

“You ready to go for the kill?” Klaus asked. Ben nodded his head shutting his eyes. Klaus and Five immediately picked up right where they left off, whereas Diego took his sweet time taking Ben’s shoes off. Once he had finally gotten his shoes off he slowly dragged his fingers over Ben’s socked feet. After a couple of minutes of that Diego started the same slow process of taking Ben’s socks off. Ben was dying with anticipation, but he sat there and patiently waited. Once Diego had finally gotten his socks off he simply put his hand on Ben’s feet. Barely touching them, but enough so that Ben knew they were there. They stayed like this for about thirty seconds before Ben had finally had enough.

“FOOOOOOR GOOOOOOD’S SAAAAAAAAKE, JUUUUUUUUUST DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIT.”

“Well I guess if you really want me to,” Diego teased launching a full fledge attack on Ben’s feet. Ben immediately went into silent laughter. He was having the time of his life. After a couple more minutes of everyone going hardcore on Ben he looked like a blueberry, so the guys decided to get off him, at least for the rest of the day.

“It’s good to have you back,” Diego said as he helped Ben up, off the floor.

“I second that,” Five said.

“Thanks guys, but you know the other part of tickle fights I miss?”

“What,” Diego asked.

“Tickling you guys,” Ben responded, turning toward Five, “And I think Diego was saying something about you have ticklish knees?”

“Oh shit,” Five said trying to teleport away, but before he could Klaus drilled into his hips. “Neeevermiiind, I chaaaaanged myyyy miiiind,” Five giggled.

“Well despite what Five thinks, I still think it’s great to have you back,” Diego said hugging Ben one more time.

“Thanks, it’s really great to be back, now should we get to work.” Ben asked. And for the rest of the day all that could be heard in the Hargreeve’s house was the laughter of the boys.

[itsjulesharper]

Bonjour, amis! Before we start on this recap, there’s a few things I have to draw your attention to. It appears to me (correct me if I’m wrong) that Season 2 plays out over a few months. I mean, I don’t see any winter scenes/change of season, any person looking visibly older or any other indications of the massive passing of time. Cassel is slowly being poisoned, and Louis spent maybe 2 or 3 nights in the nunnery with William of Orange. Philippe and Liselotte are married and now they are pregnant…. so, a month or two of shagging, then minimum of eight weeks where the baby sprouts and no one knows until the piss prophet announces it. So, what irks me is twofold: 1) the Dutch War went on for years. Hell, just travelling from the front then back to Paris took weeks. But it appears that Louis and his guards have found some kind of time portal to whoosh them quickly back. Yes, I know showing every aspect of travel across the country is damn boring. But I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more indication of the time it took. Even just a brief mention in dialogue “you have been gone for months now, Sire…” blah blah. And 2) the Affair of the Poisons literally spanned decades. If you want to read more about La Voison (who I am assuming Agathe was based on) then check out this article. Or maybe just read Holly Tucker’s book). Decades. it was a major – MAJOR! – scandal, implicating some of the most well-known names in French nobility. And it did not start with Voison’s arrest, oh, no. There were other things happening that Louis knew about. So all those years have been crammed into these ten eps, and tbh I’m just a bit over the whole poisoning thing now. 

So, back to the story. We have left Montespan with creepy Father Etienne, who by his looks alone, is most definitely Up To No Good. We open here, with Montespan telling him he is not what she expected. He reveals that he is Father Etienne: “the church may have rejected me, but they cannot take away my faith.” She wants to know if he can do what she says she wants, and Etienne goes on a bit of a speech about harnessing nature, and not going against the natural order etc and coming from anyone else, it would be a cautionary monologue. but from him it’s downright ominous, words that are meant to challenge what Montespan wants, to see if she really wants them. Playing the devil’s advocate. Montespan rises to the bait: “in his soul he desires me more than anything.” Etienne wants to know if Louis is deserving of her love, and Montespan declares calmly and firmly that she would sacrifice her life for him. Ah, that should not be necessary, replies Etienne and now we hear the faint cry of a baby from somewhere in the creepy underground tomb/rooms. Montespan goes to look, then finds the baby, touching its cheek with a soft “she’s perfect” and that is weird and so out of character for her. Etienne replies that the world has no place for her, so “it falls upon me to find her peace,” then utters a prayer and a sign of the cross on the baby’s forehead and miraculously it stops crying. Montespan looks at the baby and yeah, I think she knows what’s going to happen. Etienne moves off, telling her of the duties she must perform before the ritual, certain rites, and Montespan is suddenly panicking, heading for the door and declaring that she is not sure she is ready for this. Etienne is a bit shitty: “Do you think this is a market place? That I am some simple merchant? Do you think this is some take-it-or-leave-it service to be dabbled in?” Montespan is scared, you can see it, but Etienne convinces thus: “Devote you and I to his service and your wishes will be granted.” Swear to the Bible or leave her fate to the mercy of the prevailing wind. The choice is hers. One guess as to what she does.

Play glorious INTRO-OUTTRO.

We are in a salon, with music playing and courtiers gambling and mingling, Louis is happy. Philippe gambles with some dudes and Thomas, and look, Philippe is victorious once again. Louis watches from afar and Philippe gathers his winnings to leave. Thomas leaves with him and they have a bit of a giggle. Oh, look, there is creeper Chevalier, looking morose and emotional from behind a curtain, watching them both. To his credit he is dealing with A LOT of emotional shit – he knows nothing of Louis’ request for Philippe to spy on Thomas and has already observed them being chummy prior to this, which prompted the catfight. He has seen Philippe in bed with Liselotte, willingly shagging. I assume Philippe no longer comes to his bed anymore.

And he is obvs still processing the pregnancy announcement. So with all that, WHY is he still staying? Because of the money? Sure. But does he think being this horrible and creeper-ish will win Philippe back? Okay, so we know that Philippe does still love him, so why cannot Philippe TELL HIM THIS, to reassure him that he is first in his heart? SERIOUSLY, this is basic storytelling stuff. If a conflict can easily be solved with two characters sitting down and talking about it, then it is not a sustainable conflict. I know Philippe has a thing about admitting stuff to the Chevalier – we see that in Ep2 when he reluctantly says “I missed you a great deal.” It is all so unnecessary and would make the conflict so much greater if the Chevalier KNEW about Philippe’s secret spy role with Thomas, knew that Philippe had to do it because the king commanded him, and then had to fake being angry/upset/jealous (or maybe wouldn’t have to fake it much) and stand back to watch the love of his life actively seduce Thomas. Now THAT would be conflict. (okay, I ran with this idea, and you can see my alternate Philippe-spying-on-Thomas suggestion at the end of this recap).

So, anyway, back to Morose Chevalier watching Philippe and Thomas chat, and Philippe smiling and touching and all “we make quite a team.” As the Chevalier creeps off, Philippe says to Thomas, “I’d call that a handsome morning’s work,” then gives him a pouch of his winnings with a smile. Then he turns away and his face drops so we know it’s all just a charming sham, but of course, the Chevalier is not there to see that so he cannot know. Pleased Louis is pleased, smiling as they walk: “It’s a convincing charade.” To which Philippe replies: “it’s easier when my orders rule up with my hobbies.”

Louis: At any rate, he seems to be falling for your charms. Philippe: I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t. Louis: Make sure you have his trust. You can then chose a moment to abuse it. Philippe: (curtly) I must admit, I’m impressed, dear brother. You set a fine example on how to deny your passion in the service of your duty.

Then Philippe walks off and Louis is left with a little frown on his face. It seems to me that while Philippe would do anything Louis asks of him, this deliberate flirting and the subsequent pain he is causing the Chevalier is frustrating him. He is not pleased at all.

And now we are in Philippe’s rooms and the Chevalier is drinking and let us pause a moment to enjoy the furnishings before another argument will distract us. SO LOVELY. But now ominous music plays and the Chevalier is looking quite drunk/high/pained as he asks “where were you?” (ffs, you KNOW where he was!) And ugh, Philippe is all, “what business is it of yours?” as if he isn’t only THE LOVE OF HIS FUCKING LIFE. Can he not seeeee? Why would he think the Chevalier would be totally fine with him flirting with another dude?

The Chevalier: You’re fucking him, aren’t you?

Oh. Just… no, honey.

Philippe: (tightly as he pulls a pouch from his coat) we devised a deft game of cheating at the card table. (tosses the pouch on the table) That hardly constitutes consummation!

The Chevalier looks so very tired and worn, his little “I see” not really convincing at all. “You can’t even deny it.”

…wat?

He walks slowly to Philippe, says “I want to know exactly what you’ve been up to.” Philippe replies, “you’re drunk,” but the Chevalier hurls the money pouch away, growls out “don’t patronise me!” and looks spoiling for a fight.

Philippe: There are bigger things going on here (the Chevalier dramatically rolls his eyes and stalks to the window). You have no idea what this is about. The Chevalier: (turns and yells) the whole fucking salon knows what’s going on. (pauses with a shaky breath) Do you have to rub my nose in it? Philippe: (turns away, clearly torn) It’s complicated. I can’t explain it right now. The Chevalier: (pulling out a musket, aims it at Philippe’s back) Maybe this will help you find the right words.

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WAT.

THE.

ACTUAL.

FUCK.

No. JUST NO. This is just….. I CANNOT. Gimme a moment…… *hyperventilates, dragging in deep breaths*

Right. Okay. Back to this scene.

we are all Philippe at this moment.

Philippe turns to see the musket pointed at him, looks angry and incredulous for a second then briefly nods and stretches out his arms. “You dare-” he whispers, “-threaten me?” The Chevalier lowers the gun, mumbles, “no…I have a much better idea.” And then…. OH THEN….. PUTS THE GUN TO HIS HEAD.

AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH *RUNS INTO THE STREETS FLAILING*

Okay, dear readers, if you’ve been reading my recaps since the start, you KNOW how I feel about the way the Chevalier has been written for the show. How it is completely the opposite of how the historical Chevalier de Lorraine would have acted when presenting himself, when reacting to Philippe’s other lovers, when handling the jealousy and competition. This scene, this moment, is so far from what I know and love about the Chevalier that it is actually painful for me to watch. I am screaming “NOOOOOOOOO” at the screen, much the same as I did the first time I watched it. So. Much. Soap. I cannot see for all the melodrama.

*downs copious amounts of coffee*

Right. Back to the scene. The Chevalier holding a gun to his temple and looking as if his world has crumbled before him and Philippe standing there going, “you’re bluffing. Don’t even know how to load it properly” (okay, stop RIGHT THERE. The Chevalier is a fucking war hero, and even though they don’t show that in the show, he knows how to load a bloody musket. He is A CHEVALIER, which means he’s served in the army. Fucksake).

The Chevalier then smiles, a kind of sad-joyous-heartbroken smile as he looks at the gun and lowers it as Philippe ignores him and pours wine. Then he starts to blubber and says, ”do you really want to know how much I feel for you?” Philippe slowly looks at him as he continues. “Do you want to know what’s really in my heart? Let me show you.” And he cocks the gun, places it in is mouth. Philippe rushes over, wrestles for the gun and it goes off behind the Chevalier’s shoulder, taking out a gorgeous mirror on the wall. They struggle a bit, look a bit incredulous at each other, then Philippe throws the Chevalier to the floor where he curls up in a ball and whimpers. Philippe says tightly, “I don’t recognise you anymore. You stay away from me!” Then the guards burst in and see the Chevalier sobbing on the floor and Philippe standing, who says, “he missed,” then walks off, muttering, “the story of his life.”

Okay. I just cannot say anything more about that scene, except to say that Evan Williams is such a fabulous actor. I have absolutely NO issues with that whatsoever.

Marchal. Marchal will calm me.

*deeeeep breath* Now we are out in the gardens, thank Christ. This will be at least calming, right? uhhhh. non. We see a fox scampering about and apparently it’s such an unusual sight that the gardeners stop to watch, then race over to where it had been sniffing/nibbling the ground. Of course, the poor gardeners discover fresh dirt and a baby skull in it. Now we see Marchal on the case, looking further into the dirt, then commanding them to dig it all up. Poor man, can he not mourn in peace? First dragged back into Versailles because of the poison thing on request of the king, now some creepy baby killers that we know Creepy Etienne has a hand in.

So now we are with Louis in his small chapel room thingy, with Bossuet chanting and Louis on his knees in prayer. Bontemps enters and Louis is annoyed, but he insists the king comes with him, that Louvois awaits him in the council room. Apparently a messenger has just arrived from the Palatinate, Liselotte’s home. Oh, shit. This is not gonna be good. They are all in the council room, with a map before them as Louvois speaks.

Louvois: We have killed hundreds. Possibly more. Louis: And how many were soldiers? Louvois: (takes a breath) None, Sire. They were all unarmed civilians. Louis: (disbelieving) Our troops. Loyal professional Frenchmen have slaughtered innocent women and children. Louvois: They were out of control. Drunk. Rampaging. They looted. Butchered. Raped. They say the world has never witnessed such barbarity.

Louis is horrified, as well he should. He asks how it could have happened, that his general, Marcheral Turenne is a man of restraint. Louvois replies: “he claims, Sire, that he had his king’s blessing.” (remember Louis’ “do everything necessary?” to Luxembourg earlier?) Bontemps and Louvois both look troubled. “he’s lost all reason,” Louis says as he rips up the missive. “War has destroyed his mind. Eroded his judgement.” Louvois nods. “it would seem so, Sire.” The Elector Palatinate was their staunch ally, but now no more. He has joined William of Orange against them. Louis is speechless, sits slowly in his chair. “I must seek guidance from above,” he declares. “Ours is a god of wrath and we have angered him much already.” Bontemps wants to know if he is going to share the news with Liselotte. “She will find out soon enough,” replies Louis. “if she has not heard already.”

The camera is now on a letter in Liselotte’s lap, and slowly pans out to show her horrified expression gazing in the distance, eyes full of tears, while Philippe stands silently in the background. “What of your family?” he quietly asks. Some are unaccounted for but she has friends and cousins elsewhere. So they might have survived? “They say your forces killed everyone in sight,” Liselotte replies. “My country will never be the same again.” Philippe goes swiftly to her, says, “My brother’s actions have nothing to do with me.” Then he leans in, places a gentle kiss to her head and my heart breaks for Liselotte as she sits there in silence, tears streaming down her face. 😦 Philippe says, “I’m sorry,” and Liselotte finally looks up at him and says, “I am married to the family that has destroyed my people.” Philippe’s expression is a mix of sadness and anger.

*historical note. The sacking of the Palatinate was a black mark in history against the French. In Ruff’s Violence in Early Modern Europe, he writes: “ Perhaps the most devastating such desecration of our period took place in the Palatinate of western Germany, a natural area for staging attacks on France. To prevent such a use of the Palatinate, French troops under Marshal Turenne devastated the region in 1674, and the impending War of the League of Augsburg prompted Louis XIV of France to order devastation of the Palatinate again in the winter of 1688-80. This later act was one of systematic destruction, based on a map of target sites prepared by the war ministers, and the French destroyed many of the significant towns in the region, including Worms, Spier, Bingen and Oppenheim. In Mannheim, the capital of the Palatinate, the French not only destroyed the city but also executed citizens who returned to the ruins.”

The goblet again!!

Next scene and Philippe swiftly enters Louis’ rooms as he dines, declares, “Everybody out!” Bontemps splutters about conventions to be observed, but Philippe claps back with, “I don’t give a shit. Tell them to leave.” Bontemps, replies, his voice a little higher, “I don’t think that’s apt.” Philippe doesn’t care: “If you don’t, I will.” Bontemps is doggedly sticking to his guns but Philippe stares at Louis and says: “I have things to say that can only be heard both those who shared a bloody womb.” Louis casually drinks his wine (FROM THE GOBLET) as Philippe turns to the audience and yells, “Go on! GET OUT! Or do you defy your king’s brother?” and they all shuffle out as Louis gives Philippe a look, delicately pats his mouth with a serviette then tosses it to the plate.

“Must you live your entire life in a melodrama?”

BEST. LOUIS. LINE. EVA.

Philippe doesn’t care. “You are a monster. What you did in the Palatinate makes you no better than a common killer.” So very emotional and you can see it, hear it in Philippe’s voice. Louis gives him a look then starts on the whole, ‘every war includes regrettable casualties’ excuse but Philippe is angry at the mass slaughter of innocent people and justifiably so. (I cannot help but draw a parallel between this scene and today’s conflict in multiple countries). Louis says it was out of his control but emotional Philippe scoffs at that: “Of course. It is always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? You’ve never said sorry in your entire life.”  (I am in two minds about this comment – Louis as absolute monarch would have not thought of apologising to anyone about anything. Yet this is his brother, and his brother is talking familiarly to him, like he always does. Philippe is allowed to overstep the boundaries of convention only because he is the king’s brother.)  Louis declares that Turenne was acting on his own initiative, but Philippe is having none of it. It could not have happened without Louis’ consent, therefore they are as guilty as each other. Louis angrily gets to his feet and boy, is he pissed. He has a spy in his palace, his troops are in retreat and half of Europe is out to destroy him. Philippe grabs Louis’ flailing arm, declares slowly that he has blood on his hands. With a disgusted look, Louis yanks away and Philippe sadly nods, his voice close to tears. “Maybe that’s your true legacy,” he says. “You don’t want to be loved. You want to be feared.” Then he walks out, leaving a stunned Louis in his wake.

Night falls over the palace now and a storm is brewing, and Louis is in his rooms, at an alter and kneeling in prayer. The windows burst open, sending correspondence flying and Bossuet hurries over to close them. Louis wants to know why he is still being tortured. Bossuet cannot say. He is frustrated – he’s crushed all carnal thoughts, destroyed his enemies and yet STILL God is punishing him with the massacre. Bossuet offers the usual “to pray is the only solution, Sire,” and yeah, Louis does not like that answer one bit. But apparently all answers will come to him through God.

We are back in Marchal’s dungeon/office where he is piecing together the baby skeleton, and one of his men enters, offering up the skull of another baby. Marchal looks grim – this is a pattern.

Cut to the chapel and Marchal approaches Bossuet, asks him about Saint-Geneviève’s, the refuge for lost souls, where babies of whores are taken. Bossuet says there is no such place. Marchal asks how he can be so sure. “Because,” Bossuet replies, “I have authority over all France. That includes you.” Marchal looks unimpressed/meh, asks him about Father Etienne. Nup, don’t know him.  Then as Marchal starts to leave, Bossuet replies, “Etienne… Guibourg?” Marchal waits. Bossuet adds: “If Guibourg is at large, you must stop him. Quickly.” *cue ominous music*

The Queen is at her toilette and Maintenon (formerly Scarron) enters with a smile. Oh, the Queen is asking her how she can become a better lover for her husband….. and Maintenon’s reply? “the profound love of wedlock can only come through God, Majesty.” OKAY THEN. But the queen wants to know more. How would Maintenon characterise her own marriage? “My late husband was very busy with his work. He was not one for… physical prowess.” The Queen is all ‘huh.’ and Maintenon adds, “although occasionally, my husband seemed to find me irresistible after I bathed in aromatic oils.”

*historical note: Paul Scarron was a poet and novelist and frequented salons in Paris, where he met Françoise d’Aubigné and married her at 17. He was 42. He was also crippled but details are unclear as to how – some accounts say he fell into icy water, some that he hid in swamp waters and others said it was the result of polio. Either way, he had a permanently twisted upper body and paralysed legs, so had to use a wheelchair and took opium for the pain. His salon was popular and frequented by the crème de la crème of Parisian writers and poets – Madame de Sévigné, Ninon de l’Enclos, Abbé de Choisy.   He also supported The Fronde (and lost his pension because of a ranty anti-Mazarin pamphlet) and their marriage yielded no children. You can read more about him here.  And with Maintenon here. 

A mademoiselle Solange then walks into the room, a former friend of Montespan. The queen would like to compensate the girl for her loss, by becoming a friend of the queen. She wants her to spy on Montespan: the queen does not trust ‘that harlot’ to keep her distance and she will make her pay if she returns.

I just have to interject here and show off some lovely earrings. Aren’t they fab? Click on them to zoom in.

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the queen….

Solange….

and Agathe’s earrings

Back now with a worried-looking Montespan in Agathe’s place, who hands her a note. Montespan asks if reading it is all she has to do; Agathe says Guibourg will explain the rest. But Montespan is not comfortable going against the teachings of Rome. “The Church,” Agathe sighs. “The Church likes to believe there’s nothing of spiritual worth before Christ. They try to deny the ancient wisdom. They cannot ignore it. To doubt is natural.” She takes Montespan’s hand, a gentle gesture that still feels quite malevolent , then hands her two wrapped bottles. Montespan replies, “I will stop at nothing to secure the king’s love.” This pleases Agathe mucho and tells her Louis’ sweat is needed to seal the charm.

Suspicious Marchal is suspicious

Now in a salon, with merry music playing and courtiers mingling. Marchal prowls about (that word suits him so much… PROWL) and spots a couple doing not-so-subtle suspicious things. The woman walks across the room, deposits a book on a gaming table, Odile the maid saunters past and picks it up. Meanwhile, Marchal’s man says they cannot find Etienne, to which Marchal says to find Mathilde the whore. She will know. Off Marchal now charges, after Odile, who is hurrying through corridors. She runs into Marchal but there is no book and she stutters. Gaston suddenly appears.

Look at that lace! It better be French.

“Has Odile incurred your disapproval?” Ah, but Marchal is not having any of Gaston’s polite sly shit. He remarks on Gaston’s distinctive cloth of his coat.  “I’ll give you the name of my tailor… if you can afford him,” is Gaston’s reply. Marchal smoothly ripostes: “I prefer a less tawdry cut.” Gaston doesn’t like that, coming back tightly with: “some of us were born to set fashions. Others to merely follow them.” He leaves with his servant and Marchal prowls about the corridors a bit more, finds the book on the floor and sees that a hole has been cut in the centre. He knows and I am happy because Gaston’s time will surely come.

Night time now and Montespan is hurrying through the palace in a hood, a determined look on her face. She sneaks into Louis’ bedroom via the secret door, watches as Bontemps leaves, then pulls a pillowcase from the bed. She quickly leaves, through a less-pleasant passage way and gives the pillowcase a deep sniff. Poor Montespan, she is really feeling the loss of Louis and the romantic in me thinks she misses the man, not the privileges or the doors he opened for her Then she sees a door quickly close and it is poor Solange, the one who the queen told to spy on Montespan. “Where you spying on me?” Montespan says unnecessarily. “I thought you were my friend!” And Solange shoots back with “everything I learned of treachery, I learned from you.” So Montespan grabs her, drags her back into the passageway and….. Okay, strangles her from behind.

Right.

I have no words. Instead, I offer up this pic. >>>>>

We are now in Marchal’s dungeon/office and Mathilde is all a-huff as she enters, saying “I ain’t done nothin’ wrong,” in a cute but totally-out-of-place OIlver-Twist-gutter-English accent. Marchal needs her help to find Creepy Etienne and she’s shocked because the dude is a saint with all the whores. Marchal does his persuasive “if you care about the safety of your child, tell me all you know”.

Back to Montespan at Agathe’s and the woman is doing some ritual with the pillowcase and telling her to rub stuff on her skin and drink stuff that of course will be totally okay and legit. Montespan again expresses doubts and Agathe plays the most terrible of mind games, saying “I would not have invested in your future if I did not believe in you. And you know in your heart, you’ve already taken that first step.”

Too emotional. Do not want.

Montespan starts to cry, saying “she was my friend,” and I do feel quite sad for her. The look on Agathe’s face is frankly “ugh. Shut UP with yer moaning.” Clearly, Montespan with her FEELINGS and DOUBT and HUMANITY is harshing Agathe’s buzz.

Solange’s body has been found, and two men carry her through the corridor and everyone mills about, gossiping in shocked whispers. Finally, a death without poison. Sophie is sad and moves off, the queen looks at Louis then follows. Louis whispers to Marchal: “I can feel my enemy’s breath on the back of my neck. Find them!” Bontemps looks to Marchal, Marchal looks away expressionless, but his mind is no doubt furiously working.

Louis is pissed. He kneels in his little prayer room, scoffing at the effigy of Jesus on the cross, mocking him. “Here I am before you. A sinner. Penitent. Do you hear me? Do you see me?  You taunt me, is that it? I’m here for your amusement? Punish me if you must, but why should the people of France suffer for my sins?” Frustrated and angry, he paces, yelling about confronting his foes with God’s help, demanding it. Jesus on the cross stays silent as the ominous music swells.

We see Creepy Etienne exit his hobbit home in the woods with a bundle, mount his horse and leave, and yay! Marchal and his men are watching through the trees. To your horses, chaps!

Versailles at night again and Maintenon enters Louis’ little prayer room, to find him sat on the floor, looking drained and not looking at all King-like. He gave orders not to be disturbed, but apparently it’s okay to defy him because she came to pray. (such BAD protocol). What does she pray for? “For you,” she replies. He is a bit annoyed by that: “I am in no need of prayer.” Oh, but Maintenon disagrees. He needs it more than anyone because he carries everyone’s hopes, desires, dreams. But he is unimpressed. “I live a gilded life.” Montespan replies: “Bearing the heart of France is a terrible burden. You must be stronger than all of us.”  And if he can’t find the strength, then God will help him. And now we see Louis starting to get to know her, a scene that would have played a lot more logically before he made her a Marquise. He asks how she finds her strength: she has lived a full life, has known sin and redemption, and has achieved inner peace. Louis laughs: he wishes it was so simple. Then she gets all pious and says he must confront his fear, confess his sins, blah blah. Unimpressed Louis yells at her but something is sapping the breath from him. Panic attack…..? Stress….? Maintenon tells him he’s a good man, that he isn’t alone…. and I has a bit of a cry as Louis does, resting his head in her lap as he weeps.

Poor Louis. 😦

Right. Back with Montespan, and she stands in a dark room with candles and a stone altar with a carved pentagram as Creepy Etienne chants Latin and four other caped dudes stand about. She agrees to “serve the Lord” and steps forward, removes her cape and lays on the stone, then parts her robe to leave her topless. A baby is brought in…. and now we see Marchal and his men galloping through the night, searching. They find stone archways… (the grounds of a church? Monastery?) and Marchal is off and running, sword fighting off one dude then another as his men follow. The baby is crying as Etienne is handed a knife, the blade descends and blood splashes Montespan…. but Marchal is suddenly there and Montespan legs it, Etienne holds out his hands in surrender and a guard swiftly takes the baby. The baby is only cut across the arm, Montespan grabs her clothes from another room and runs. The plan is thwarted.

*Historical note: So over the course of ten or so years, there were numerous poisonings and black masses rumoured to be held. Montespan was implicated in them, as was Olympe Mancini, comtesse de Soissons (former lover of Louis and sister of his first love Marie, and who left Paris before being named). It was said Montespan took part in these masses/orgies and babies were sacrificed over her naked body as she sprawled on a stone alter. She also was quite paranoid of losing Louis’ favour at court, which also meant all her friends and family would miss out, so over a period of time, she was adding a ‘love potion’ to the king’s food and drink. Poor Louis would get pains and headaches for no apparent reason and when he found out what she was doing and put a stop to it, they vanished. Guess it can’t be too good for the body to regularly ingest bits of ground up animal and plants.

So now we are back with Louis, waking in Maintenon’s lap. He says she helped him find his strength, but she counters with “you carry your responsibilities like a cross.” Louis is coming to the realisation that he is just a man –  weak, fallible, a mortal man, and Maintenon encourages him to see, to hear, to feel. And to breathe. She places her hand on his chest and they take deep breaths together… and yep, there is the kiss. So much for the sanctity of marriage and all that. But I guess maybe they don’t think of kissing outside wedlock as a sin? Those crazy 17th century nobles. Maintenon slowly pulls back, she looks worried. Then Louis says, “my heart beats again,” and it is all good.

We see a wide green shot of Versailles, then we are in the Duc de Cassel’s rooms and he does not look at all good, coughing and stuff, and he finds a note. From Thomas to Sophie, obvs. He puts it back as she enters the room, asks if something is wrong because she cannot read his expression. “I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting that particular skill.” What is he thinking? “A wife,” he says, “should never ask her husband that question. The answer will always disappoint.” He puts out a hand to her and she visibly flinches, and damn, I am not happy that it is clear she’s expecting to be hit. But instead he strokes her hair then walks away. She is suspicious and it appears she thinks he’s found her letter. “You frighten me,” she admits. “Oh, I am not the one to fear,” he replies. “A girl like you should be more careful in her choice of lover.” She plays innocent but Cassel goes on: “never trust a man who presents more than one version of himself. Or one who writes stories for a living.” Damn, Cassel. That is some spot-on philosophical shit. Is it possible to enjoy such a horrible person?

Louis and Philippe now (FINALLY PHILIPPE!!), standing in one of Louis’ rooms, at the window.

Louis: You’re sure Thomas suspects nothing? Philippe: I have him eating from my perfumed palm. Louis: then you will tell him tonight that the king is arrogant, pig headed and paranoid. Philippe: Shouldn’t be too difficult. (Bontemps’ look LULZ) Louis: You will say I am losing my grip on reality, rejecting all reasonable advice and that you wish to leave Versailles for good. Philippe. Again, I think I can manage that. Louis: And then, you will tell him that the war is lost, that my men are cornered, like rats in a trap. We cannot hold onto Utrecht another day. We will withdraw all our forces after nightfall. Philippe: How can you be so sure this will work? Louis (smiles): Because I have seen the light.

gratuitous pretty-faced Philippe pic.

Then he turns and strides off, Philippe gives Bontemps a look, Bontemps leaves too and Philippe sighs and goes back to whatever is out the window. 

Now, we all know that being so blatantly obvious in imparting information to a spy can only backfire. Just you wait.

Thomas is writing at his desk as Philippe creeps up and puts his hands over his eyes. “Is that the delicate touch of the duc de Cassel?” LULZ Thomas. So hilarious. Philippe says they need to go out and gamble and get drunk as he casually checks out all the papers on the desk. Thomas gets nervous and says it’s a play about the war he’s working on. Philippe nonchalantly lets drop that Louis is making a mess of the war, Thomas says he should be in the play and be the lead role. They have a bit of flirty banter as Philippe walks about, notices Thomas closing a folder. Philippe then drapes himself on Thomas’ bed, reading aloud the verses from the paper he still holds. Thomas casually lays beside him, says “try some more, this time with real feeling.” And his hand goes to Philippe’s breeches, pushing the coat aside. The look on Philippe’s face is a bit “ooookay then…” but he sinks down in the bed a bit and keeps reading, the paper in front of Thomas’ hands as Thomas continue to undo his breeches. Then Thomas smoothly straddles Philippe’s legs, and the camera pans up to Philippe’s face as his words falter and he groans a little and it is more than clear that Thomas is pleasuring him with his mouth.

Okay. I actually do not think this is that bad. Sure, I am feeling SO VERY BAD for the Chevalier. But historically, Philippe and the Chevalier had other lovers during the time they were together. Also – my alternate Philippe-spying-on-Thomas plot line at the end of this recap.

Now we are back with Louis, Marchal and Bossuet, and Louis is looking through the books they confiscated from Etienne. Bossuet says they deal in the devilish art of human sacrifice. “This unholy priest feels no remorse? No pity?” asks Louis. Marchal: “not yet.” (ahhhh, yessss!) Louis commands Marchal to extract the names of the village accomplices from him – one of them a woman – and show him “the full force of my justice.” This is what we love about Marchal – taking down names and getting shit done.

We are with Agathe now, and Montespan jump scares her, and the poor woman does not look good. Black mass rituals will do that to you. Also, she hasn’t had anything to eat, just some weirdo potion Agathe told her to drink before the baby-stabbing ritual. Then she sees the blood on her arms and frantically rubs at it, getting a bit hysterical, crying that she has sold her soul as Agathe tries to soothe her. What of Father Etienne, Agathe wants to know. Yeah, Marchal has him and what if he speaks? Agathe says he has never betrayed any of his followers…. and they hear footsteps, and just like that, Gaston walks in (DOES NOBODY KNOCK??) and says calmly, “Then he’s never met Monsieur Marchal.” Montespan looks all sad and forlorn and lost, wants to know what she should do now. “After the way the king has betrayed you,” Agathe says, “don’t tell me you do not seek justice.” Gaston gives a most excellent evildoer face and we all know what Agathe’s brand of justice means.

Next scene and we FINALLY see the Chevalier again, dozing at a window, then suddenly waking as a door closes and we hear a “until the next time,” from Thomas and damn, the Chevalier has a determined look on his face as he follows. YOU GO, HON! We see incognito Thomas in the village, passing over a note to a caped figure, then glances back to the Chevalier ducking into a doorway. Thomas whispers something in the man’s ear that sounds like “I’m being followed” then they split up and Thomas heads behind a wall. The Chevalier looks out, follows, ducks behind another wall, then draw out a …. wtf a dagger? (the man is a knight in the king’s army FFS. HE HAS A SWORD). He whirls to see a man in the distance, a hand goes to his shoulder, spins him about then punches him in the face.  

<<<<<< And I am left here with THIS expression.

NO. I refuse to acknowledge this terrible travesty. I know it is within the character of show Chevalier but this is… Lord. An insult. A warrior, a man versed in battle, a decorated soldier who knows how to fence and shoot and ride… uselessly waving about his dagger as he is being beaten up then robbed – ROBBED AND STRIPPED – by a handful of villagers.

GET IN THE BIN.

Oh, thank CHRIST we are back at Versailles now, with a view of the fountain in the morning. Can we have just some bit of sense, pleeeeeease? oh…… We see a pair of bloodied feet shuffling along the corridor, some coughing, someone being a bit startled…. it is the Chevalier returned, beaten and bloody as he opens the door to a dressed Philippe reading a book. His first words? “Look what you’ve done to me now.”

OH what the F—

Philippe is astonished as the Chevalier gets out, “compliments of your new lover,” and slams the door. Yes, it was Thomas although he didn’t see his face, because the Chevalier was following him. The first thing he does is grab the mirror (ahhh, that is amusing) and shuffles over to the desk to survey the damage. Philippe is all ‘whyyyy?” to which the Chevalier tightly answers, “ because I wanted to discuss the weather over armagnac and macaroons, what do you think?” Philippe silently kneels before him, pours water and then gently pushes back the Chevalier’s hair, dabs a cloth into the water to wipe away the blood. The Chevalier screeches and grabs the cloth: “you’re making it worse.” And the look Philippe gives him… Kind of shitty but also just taking it.

Philippe: Why won’t you let me help you? The Chevalier: Because this is all your fault! (slams the cloth down and rises) I’ll go ahead right now, kill him this time. Philippe (grabs his arm) You can’t! The Chevalier: I have my honour to think of. And so should you! Philippe (sounding worried) : You mustn’t cause him any more trouble. We have to leave him alone. The Chevalier: Why?! Philippe: Trust me. It’s important! The Chevalier: Trust you? Seriously?

Then Philippe kind of leans in, but the Chevalier slaps his hands away with a “get your hands off me!” And then… NOOOOOO Philippe, with tears in his eyes, says, “I love you!” and the Chevalier’s face freezes, stunned, but then Philippe ruins the potentially awesome “ILY TOO!” moment by adding, “but Thomas has to be left alone. We both… need to show a brave face. Can you do that? For me?” And the Chevalier briefly closes his eyes, looking all sad and bloody and UGH I need to give him a big hug because CONFLICT SO MUCH. He silently rolls his eyes then says quietly, “run me a bath,” and shuffles off and Philippe is left look all massive cry-eyes puppy dog sad.

*SOBS*

Me? Asking for forgiveness?!

Okay, now we are outside, Louis standing under a massive fancy canopy as he watches Maintenon stare broodily into the lake, then she turns and sees him and comes over. She seems preoccupied but it is nothing. He invites her to sit down (armless chair AHHHHH) and of course it’s not nothing because she now proceeds to tell him it is definitely something. About the Princess Palatine. Okay, Louis’ expression means he was most def. not expecting that. Liselotte has been in mourning and Maintenon is sure it is an oversight because a few words from him would ease Liselotte’s pain. Louis looks a bit irritated, then says she’s right, that he will express his deepest regrets but damn it does not sound as if he really wants to do that at all. Oh, yeah, Maintenon is not impressed and Louis can see that. Maintenon has something else in mind: asking her forgiveness. (insert SHOCKED LOUIS face here). “Confession is not the same as apology,” she adds.  He leans in, strokes her face (for anyone and everyone to see, I might add!) says, “why can’t my priest be more like you?” then ….

OMG he KISSES HER! What on EARTH is the queen gonna say when she hears about it?? Montespan is subdued: he wants to know if he frightens her. Oh, no. “Only myself.”

The scene fades out, and then fades in to a teary Liselotte seated in her rooms, Louis standing as he says, “I want to show my appreciation and respect. You are a model of humility. And restraint. You have fulfilled your duty as my brother’s wife under trying circumstances…” He steps to her as she remains silent, a hand on her shoulder and I see they are using a particular filming technique. Liselotte’s face is clear and in shot, we see her entire expression and the tears on her cheeks, see her lips tremble. It is Louis out of focus, standing behind her, talking. It brings the viewer’s eye squarely to the most important person in frame – Liselotte. We have to see her pain and her upset. We acknowledge Louis only by his voice not his figure, so it is his words that matter, that speak for him. Louis continues: “and now you must feel great distress after what has happened in your country.” Liselotte still remains turned away from him as tears fall, says, “is that supposed to be an apology?” and now the camera goes to Louis’ face. “Obviously, I would let you return home were you not carrying my brother’s child.” Liselotte finally turns to look at him and now we also see Philippe in the room, out of focus and in the background. Liselotte replies: “my child will grow up in a family of murderers. I came here to discover a new life. Of joy. Of liberty.”   

The camera cuts to Philippe and there are his sad puppy eyes again 😦 Liselotte rises, continues: “I am now your captive. You have complete ownership of me. I am at your mercy.” And she stretches her arms a little, palms up in supplication, and Louis is a little shocked, I think. A little taken aback. Then he sighs, says “I am sorry.” Then turns and walks from the room.

We are at nighttime now, and Bontemps is getting into bed, beside Louis’ bed. We see Louis trying to sleep, but he has visions of a blood-red pentagram and the priests around the stone altar, some creepy words and the baby sacrifice. Which is weird because Louis did not see this first hand. Then he wakes, thinks for a bit: something is troubling him. Bontemps swiftly gets up. “What ails you, Sire?” And next we see him striding into his little prayer room with Bontemps behind, where they meet Bishop Bossuet and Marchal, who hands him the book that Father Etienne had. Louis flicks through the pages, then finds a picture of a minotaur and the labyrinth. “I drew this in my own blood,” Louis says. “And now I recall where I saw it first.”

We see a flashback to Louis’ tarot reading, the Agathe turning the cards to reveal the same picture. “And now the Labyrinth returns to haunt me,” Louis finishes as Marchal silently looks at him. “The tarot sorceress may be part of this heresy too,” Louis tells him. They both look ominously at each other, flint jawed and serious, then Louis gives him a slight nod. Marchal leaves and Louis turns to the crucifix, gives the tiniest of smiles, a brief nod and makes the sign of the cross before he strides out.

We are in Marchal’s dungeons now, and a beaten up Etienne is stretched out on a cross a-fixed to a turning wheel, much like roulette. His soul is immortal, apparently. “Is that so?” Marchal drawls, not at all impressed, and wants to know who else is behind ‘this abomination.’ Etienne will not give it up and a few torturous moments on the slow spinning wheel are had, until he mumbles… “Claudine.” Oh, shit, he is baiting Marchal. “…so soft to the touch,” Etienne whispers. Marchal is expressionless as he turns away and Etienne keeps on his creepy pained whispering: “She cried for your help, you know. As she died. Like a lamb to the slaughter.” Marchal sloooowly turns back around. “it was gratifying,” Creepy Etienne keeps whispering. “taking her life force. For one so… so sweet…” and then suddenly Marchal goes all rage face and lunges forward with a yell and stabs Creepy Etienne in the belly. Yes, it is gross… not overtly bloody but we see Etienne’s face and his expression and it creeps me out.. And yes, Marchal keeps stabbing him in a rage, and Etienne is already well and truly dead. But it feels like that was Etienne’s intention, to rile up Marchal to get him to kill him. Marchal is breathless, leans on the hilt of the knife still buried in the now-totally-dead priest, then with a gasp he turns, casually yanking the blade out as he goes.

End of episode!

And now the BONUS….

So, I mentioned an alternate Philippe Spying On Thomas plot line. We have Louis needing Philippe’s help to spy on Thomas the traitor. Philippe has massive reservations but says yes. So the Chevalier sees Philippe and Thomas getting chummy in the salons and is understandably heartbroken, but when he confronts him in his rooms, he is so very cool and collected. Glacial. The Chevalier: If you want me gone, I would just appreciate the direct approach. Philippe: What are you talking about? The Chevalier (casually drinking wine): Your little lapdog… Toby? Thierry? Philippe: It is Thomas and you know it. The Chevalier: Oh, oui. Him. (waves a dismissive finger) Well, if you do insist on trading down, then I shall take my leave. (makes a mocking bow, barely covering his hurt with a cold demeanour) With Monsieur’s permission, of course. Philippe: (watches in silence for a moment) It is not what you think. It is… (clearly struggling) complicated. The Chevalier (crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow): You know you are terrible at keeping secrets. Tell me.

So then after some coaxing (maybe even of the sexual variety because the Chevalier is not above using sex as a weapon), Philippe tells the Chevalier that Louis has commanded him, that Thomas is a spy and he has to get him on side so Philippe can spy on the spy. The Chevalier laughs, then realises Philippe is deadly serious and they discuss it, finally agreeing to do Louis’ bidding. And now the Chevalier has MAJOR CONFLICT because he has just given his stamp of approval for his lover to cozy up to another guy, to touch him, to flirt and stuff. Maybe even shag him. All in the name of loyalty and for the good of the country. And he has to reconcile with that, because his heart is torn. He loves Philippe and quietly rages inside because no one else can touch what is his. But knows how much Philippe needs Louis’ approval and how much this means, with Louis putting his trust in his brother and asking him for help. This is a Huge Deal in Philippe’s mind. So the Chevalier has to sit back, endure the gossip, the snide comments from his enemies who are suddenly seeing him publicly fall from Philippe’s favour. Worse, he has to see his lover with a traitor, in order to give Philippe what he needs… the approval and trust of Louis.

Merci for reading ❤ 

Versailles S2, Ep9 – The one with the sacrificing Bonjour, amis! Before we start on this recap, there’s a few things I have to draw your attention to.