#the scheme begins to fall apart due to stupidity and impulsiveness

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #313: THIEVES HONOR

January, 1990

The ULTIMATE Super-Villain Team-Up! Plus -> Beginning -- the FATE of the SCARLET WITCH!

Plus, it's the 90s! Dark times ahead! Allegedly! Things still feel pretty 80s around here, to be honest but we've only just got here.

Also, hi, Black Widow! Guess you're here to capitalize on the more fluid roster of the Byrne run. Should we call you the Gray Widow now? Because of that costume?

(I've been a little rude to the Wizard during Acts of Vengeance but c'mon, the ultimate team-up is the Wizard and Silver Samurai oh that's the Mandarin. Still not very ultimate. Now if Thanos and Doom worked together, that'd be scary.)

Last times in Acts of Vengeance: Some Doom robots sank Avengers Island while the Avengers were busy elsewhere. The U-Foes tried to burn down the Avengers West Coast Mansion. Freedom Force attacked Avengers Park, for some reason unrelated to Acts of Vengeance. Mole Man attacked Los Angeles with giant monsters, convinced that the Avengers attacked him first.

Slowly, the Avengers have realized that someone is targeting them, using the general chaos of villains picking unusual fights as cover. But they don't know yet that the someone is a big conspiracy among top villains and the Wizard.

Also, not just in Acts of Vengeance but in general, Scarlet Witch's life has been horrible! Her husband was dismantled, rebuilt without emotions, and decided to professionally separate from her. Not just that but she was crammed full of racism goo and then her babies turned out to be Actually Satan. Then Agatha Harkness erased her memory of ever having children. So because of some or all of that, Wanda keeps lapsing into catatonia.

She's having a difficult time.

Speaking of difficult times, on top of all the villain attacks and HQ destruction, the public has turned against superheroes and Congress is debating a superpower registration act.

Times are tough.

Jarvis, watching the unruly crowd on the security monitors, asks Captain America if there's nothing the Avengers can do to calm the crowd.

Captain America: "Unfortunately not, Jarvis. We're just great when it comes to dealing with super-villains and cosmic menaces... but public opinion is something we cant' possibly control."

That's pretty big talk from a dude wearing a flag. Who gives such great speeches that he has on multiple occasions turned a mob around!

Weirdly, Captain America is sometimes portrayed as just bad and disinterested in PR.

During Kurt Busiek's later run, Cap found himself unable to deal with a concerted PR campaign against the Avengers and turned leadership over to the Wasp.

Which. Okay. That makes sense. I can see her as the Avenger leader great at PR.

(Still though. Captain America talks down mobs so much. You don't even want to try, Cap??)

In this specific instance, the Avengers have other stuff to attend to.

Captain America, Vision, and Wonder Man are going to be diving to where Avengers Island sank to see if they can salvage anything.

I don't know why Wonder Man is here. He was just in California. I'm glad that the Avengers are being more fluid between the East and West but I can't fathom why people are coming and going.

In the meantime, Hawkeye and Mockingbird are holding down the fort in the Midwest with the Great Lakes Avengers.

Who we haven't seen in a bit? Did Byrne backburner whatever he was doing with them?

Meanwhile, the Mandarin lands in Avengers Park and is immediately met with racism.

He is a villain but geez, NYPD officer. Don't be a dick.

Also, I really did mistake the Mandarin for Silver Samurai on first glance. I guess he's upped his game with power armor to better match Iron Man.

A police officer, maybe even the same one that was racist, runs up to the Mandarin and tells him he doesn't know who he is but maybe he better take a hike before he gets arrested for something.

The Mandarin: "Amazing... Do I face a bold warrior, or a blustering buffoon? It matters not."

And then he burns the guy to death with one of his special rings.

The police open fire on the Mandarin but he blocks the bullets with a force field and then starts killing cops.

Although, really, he's here to fight the Avengers.

Back at "Prime Movers" HQ, Doctor Doom is outraged at how dumb the Mandarin is.

VICTOR VON DOOM: "Dolt! Moron! How has this fool survived so long as a foe of Iron Man... when his every word and action shows him to have the fighting sense of a novice in a nunnery!!"

Doom says that if Doom were in the Mandarin's place, Doom would have reduced the Avengers' backup HQ to a crater instead of wasting time terrorizing cops.

Red Skull comes in just in time to zing Doom by pointing out how often Doom gets ousted from his own kingdom.

Doom doesn't like being talked to like that but Red Skull persists, saying... uh... I'm pretty sure he's saying that in his time (World War II) he would have had someone like Doom (guess) tortured and killed just for funsies.

It's really cathartic when Doom backhands Red Skull and tells him off for "angering your betters!"

But Red Skull turns being slapped across the room into a flip and pulls a science gun on Doom.

Apparently, Red Skull has been placed into a new peak-human body? I don't really know what's been going on with him but I suspect there's always something like that happening with the Skull so he can keep up with Captain America.

Red Skull's science gun must be really potent because he shoots Doctor Doom and the guy goes flying to smash into one of those big computer monitors.

Kingpin comes in at the noise and is not impressed with his fellow top villains.

Kingpin: "Well, well, well... The childre are at play again, I see."

Red Skull threatens to shoot him too but crime man has more dunking to do.

Kingpin: "Spare me your preachings, Nazi. If I have learned nothing else in my brief association with you and Doctor Doom... I have learned that neither of you understands the true meaning, the true source of the power you claim to possess. You are infants in the modern world... playing your little games of world conquest... feint and counter feint... While all the while the true power slips ever through your fingers." Red Skull: "You... dare... ?!!" Kingpin: "Yes, Skull. I dare. The Kingpin of crime dares all."

I think he talks a big game but he is consistently slapped down when he tries to reach past really powerful at normal crime. But then again, he usually isn't interested in anything beyond that. There's no profit in the end of the world, etc etc.

Meanwhile, Captain America and Wonder Man (who doesn't need a diving helmet but is wearing one anyway to be like the cool kids) dive down to the sunken Avengers Island.

Alas, fair island headquarters. We barely knew ye.

The good news is that since Avengers Island was a floating artificial island, a lot of the equipment was water-proofed Just In Case.

Water-proofed enough to be salvageable after sitting at the bottom of the ocean for a day or so?

They won't know until they haul stuff out. Which isn't today. Today is just poking around and moving some smaller stuff.

They're interrupted by Jarvis calling on the emergency channel.

Jarvis who is wearing his eyepatch again.

The book really goes back and forth on whether he needs it or is just wearing it to look cool.

It looks very cool. You do you, Jarvis.

Anyway, he reports that some dude is trying to blast through the ground of Avengers Park to get to the sub-basement.

Captain America ID's the guy as the Mandarin and the three Avengers haul ass towards New York.

Captain America: "Jarvis is a good man, but we've left him holding the fort too many times in the past." Vision: "I concur, Captain America. And against a foe like the Mandarin I fear even one so resourceful as Jarvis may be at a loss."

I like that it sounds like Vision is saying, with his computer logic, that if it was someone less than the Mandarin, Jarvis would kick their ass.

If it was Stilt-Man, Jarvis would have him flat on his ass in no time.

In the most recent Avengers comic as of this typing, (Avengers vol 9 #11) Jarvis and Jarvis' assistant beat the shit out of the Mad Thinker. Jarvis can throw hands.

Anyway.

The Wizard is also flying towards the Mandarin.

He noticed the guy leave the very secret headquarters and went to go call him an idiot for messing up the Wizard's very well-planned Acts of Vengeance. Yup, this is Wizard's plan and the Mandarin is screwing it up by attacking the Avengers too soon!

Then the Wizard gets tackled by Wonder Man because he wasn't watching his own ass.

The Wizard breaks free, blasting Wonder Man into the ground, while mocking that he wasted time with bluster like all heroes do.

Vision tries to tangle with Wizard next but he also made the mistake of loudly announcing his presence.

You'd think his computer brain would have told him not to do that.

Wizard easily dodges away from Vision's grasp and then Russian reversals by fisting Vision instead of vice versa.

Alas, Vision. Turns out losing your emotions has not made you a more efficient fighter. You get punked basically the same as always.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in California, the Avengers West Coast Compound and specifically Wanda's house.

After getting back from the Quinjet crash, I guess Hank and Wasp just propped Wanda up in a chair and left her to Agatha Harkness to watch.

Because that's where she is.

Propped up catatonic in a chair and being watched by Agatha Harkness.

Agatha Harkness: "*Sigh* It is still no use, Ebony. My former pupil is utterly unresponsive. She has suffered too many traumas in the past few weeks even for her to bear. Her robot husband, kidnapped, dismantled, reprogrammed... Her beloved children revealed as nothing more than figments of her mutant imagination. And, most recently, having her mind stolen from her by the Deviant known as Ghaur, part of his plan to turn her into one of the Brides of..."

I notice you conveniently left out where you magically wiped her memories of ever having children.

And I feel that very well could be related to whatever is going on with her brain.

Agatha.

Anyway, Agatha gets distracted. She feels like someone is coming up to the house but none of the proximity alarms are alarming.

She goes outside and sees no one, not even with her Special Eyes.

(Special magic eyes)

Then the house launches into space, without her.

Surprise, it's Magneto.

(Also surprisingly funny, it's implied that launching a house into orbit was his anti-magic contingency for getting one over on Agatha)

Magneto: "Now it is time for a long delayed reunion. Good afternoon, daughter. What a pity you cannot express your joy on seeing me again."

I don't know that she would if she could.

Although, I guess in the Vision and Scarlet Witch Vol 2, she did sorta reconcile with Magneto.

But in these circumstances, I don't think she'd be thrilled to see him.

Especially considering how he continues that thought.

Magneto: "But soon enough will come a time when you will know joy beyond your wildest dreams! The joy only absolute power can bring!"

Go home, old man.

Anyway, back over in the A-plot, Captain America arrives at Avengers Park in a Quinjet. Hellcat and Black Widow also arrive, but by leaping and swinging over rooftops.

Cap promptly gets shot down by the Mandarin.

Right when he was telling the two to hang back since they don't have superpowers.

Mandarin: "You worry so much about others, Captain... When it is you who are most at hazard!"

Ya burnt.

(Also, c'mon, Cap. Black Widow doesn't have powers, maybe, but Hellcat is wearing a suit that jacks her up to superhuman levels. C'mon with that. C'mon.)

Also, also, god damn, another Quinjet going down? Not to mention all the ones that fell into the ocean when Avengers Island sank? That's a lot of damaged and destroyed Quinjets lately.

This has to be hurting Tony in the bank account.

Mandarin tries to chop Captain America. An honorable death for an honorable foe. I mean sure, he's passed out after a plane crash but definitely an honorable death.

Black Widow and Hellcat jump Mandarin to save Cap. They punk him a bit but he manages to toss them away and blast them.

But this gives Cap enough time to recover and he bonks the Mandarin in the head with his shield.

It makes a WHONG! sound against Mandarin's helmet.

Love a good sound effect.

Captain America: "You must be really tired of being corrected by now, Mandarin... So I won't bother telling you how wrong you are. You're quite bright enough to figure it out for yourself!"

Burned.

The Mandarin uses his rings to freeze Cap's feet in a giant block of ice. And then Wizard swoops in to blast Cap.

Captain America flips out of the way, even with the ice weighing him down.

And Wonder Man recovers enough from his earlier attack on the Wizard to fly in and pop the guy in the noggin.

Even looks like he dented his helmet. Nice.

Mandarin complains that the Wizard's interference ruined his plan, which was clearly going so well before.

Then he gets hit by Mjolnir and his day gets worse.

Vision melts the ice block off of Cap's legs so now the full team of Thor, Black Widow, Wonder Man, Vision, Captain America, and Hellcat confront the Mandarin and the Wizard.

The Mandarin decides 'fuck this, actually', uses his black light ring to befuddle the heroes, and then ditches.

Ditches the Wizard to be caught by the Avengers.

Hah!

They think he's just one small fish in the conspiracy but Wizard loudly insists that he's the mastermind.

Captain America: "And you're going to tell us everything you know. We've deduced this current madness is part of some overall scheme to destroy the Avengers. We also know, courtesy of Cloak and Dagger, that Doctor Doom is somehow behind it all..." Wizard: "Then you know nothing, Captain. Do you really think a blustering charlatan such as Doom could craft a plan so ingenious in its multifarious texturings? This plan is mine, and mine alone! The others who I have recruited to my needs may well believe each move they make is of their own devising... But it is the wondrous Wizard who conceived the scheme... and it is I who shall enjoy the final victory!"

Definitely Loki is scrying this interrogation and laughs at how Wizard thinks he's the mastermind when, actually, Definitely Loki is the one pulling the strings.

But Definitely Loki gets interrupted from his favorite hobby in this event, watching things and being smug about it, by the noise of his pawns (the Prime Movers) bickering again.

Red Skull is yelling at the returned Mandarin for ditching the Wizard. Also, he throws in some racism. Because, Red Skull.

Mandarin shoots back that it was Wizard's own fault he got captured, for being stupid.

Definitely Loki points out that maybe they should spring Wizard before he spills too many beans, out of spite.

The Mandarin takes issue with Definitely Loki's presumption and Kingpin implies that he's the mastermind, confusing Red Skull who thinks he's the mastermind.

But then Doom explodes.

Revealing that the Doom that Red Skull easily punked was a Doombot.

(A very Byrne move)

Doom was never directly involved in this plot. He sent a Doombot because he didn't feel like the scheme was worth his attention.

So when this inevitably falls apart, it doesn't reflect on Doom at all!

Kind of a weak point to end an issue on but I love the drama of Doom blowing up from the earlier tussle, revealing it was just a robot.

Next time, Avengers West Coast #55, Acts of Vengeance concludes.

It has felt very bearable, covering only the Avengers parts.

Follow @essential-avengers. Like and reblog these posts, maybe.

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Mammon was an accomplished soldier in the Celestial Realm

Belphie used to be a little Lucifer Mini-Me when he was a young Angel

Lucifer would sing his siblings to sleep, Before

He didn’t tell his brothers about Lilith because he didn’t want them to interfere with her new life. It was hard enough for him not to.

Diavolo’s older brother, Beleth, has a scar covering the left side of his face from where Dia ground him into the dirt to try and get him to yield.

Their formal fight for the crown lasted three days.

Diavolo’s younger brother, Amaymon, is Asmo’s sugar daddy.

Diavolo’s Mom is also still alive, she has her own estate in another part of the Devildom. She can suplex him.

Lucifer will absently neaten up his brother’s clothes for them while he’s lecturing them.

Lucifer has fed demons and unruly Witches to Cerberus before.

Mammon has never had a partner in any sense of the word.

Satan was ‘born’ as a baby.

Asmo used to dress Satan up in little outfits when he was small.

Satan can repeat almost everything he’s read verbatim.

Lucifer has to double check that he knows where all of his brothers are before he can rest at night, unless he passes out.

All the brothers wore their hair long as angels. Lucifer’s the only one who’s never grown it back out since their fall.

It took Lucifer around six hundred years to develop proper feelings for Diavolo.

Lucifer is deathly afraid of Diavolo’s father.

Barbatos is possibly--not counting Diavolo--Lucifer’s only friend.

The Sport Beel plays is a type of Wrestling mixed with MMA and Capture the Flag. It’s played topless.

Lucifer will occasionally ask Levi to explain the plot of an anime or game to him if he wants to zone out for a while. He’s listening, but because following what Levi is talking about takes a lot of concentration, it’s almost like meditating.

Lucifer’s hair got its white / gray streaks when they lost Lilith.

Lucifer actually does have some wrinkles, he just hides them most of the time.

No matter how hard he tries, Lucifer just can’t get good at video games.

Lucifer will write out bits of sheet music when he’s bored.

Lucifer has more demon markings on his body than just the diamond on his forehead.

Lucifer’s hands are very scarred, mostly from dealing with small child Satan.

Beel’s sport is unnamed because in Infernal, it literally just is called “The Sport” since there’s only one.

Almost all of the siblings have physically torn an opponent to shreds and or consumed them. Asmo and Mammon are notable exceptions.

Satan went through a phase where he spoke solely in riddles.

Levi was hardcore into theater before animation became more of a thing. he still has a lot of opinions about it.

Belphie spent most of their early fallen years either half asleep, or completely asleep.

Beel is incapable of chewing gum or sucking on a jaw breaker properly. He impulsively swallows whatever goes in his mouth.

Lucifer has been summoned to the human world successfully only twice in his existence. He killed both summoners for the audacity.

The entire garden around the house of lamentation was of Lucifer’s design.

Mammon has the best control over his shape-shifting--able to stay in a false form for longer, and able to retain his humanoid form despite high emotions.

The brothers are, quite literally, Devildom Celebrities.

Diavolo has never kept a pet before.

Lucifer is ambidextrous, but prefers his left hand.

Mammon is left handed.

Gluttony demons tithe to Lord Beelzebub on his birthday in the form of whatever food they fixate on.

The first angel Lucifer killed after his fall was one he didn’t actually recognize.

The first angel Mammon killed was one of his friends from the Celestial Guard.

Lucifer will never forgive the other Archangels for turning their back on him.

Lucifer has only ever had two partners in any sense of the term in his entire life.

Beel used to be the smallest, before he hit his growth spurt and overshot all of them.

Lucifer swears almost exclusively in celestial, when he’s pissed off enough to actually swear.

Satan doesn’t really have any of Lucifer’s memories, but he retained the emotions based around them. It’s confusing.

Lucifer can cook just fine, but he can’t bake to save his life.

The Longest Lucifer has stayed awake without any rest was about a month. It wasn’t pretty.

Half of the time Lucifer says something funny it’s unintentional.

Most of the Devildom’s current infrastructure was pioneered by Diavolo’s father.

King Diavolo’s real name is Ba’al.

Lucifer can play basically any instrument that’s been invented, apart from electronic only ones.

Levi’s skill in painting could put any of the great masters to shame.

Lucifer isn’t a fan of a poultry, ironically.

The fact that they can get Belphie to wear his complicated RAD uniform everyday while being the Cardinal Sin of Sloth is a point towards how well Belphie controls his sin.

Being a shutin used to be cool and mysterious-- Levi mourns that social shift often.

Lucifer considers Levi the easiest brother to handle because he doesn’t really leave his room.

Mammon, while definitely being guilty of lots of grifts and get rich quick schemes, actually has at least five jobs on top of his stipend for being a Sin.

Lucifer has been trying to figure out how to kill those three witches for causing him problems by proxy, but he hasn’t figured out a legal way to justify it yet.

Amaymon is Diavolo’s youngest sibling. Lucifer can’t stand him.

Flower arranging is one of Asmo’s hobbies.

Asmo also has the best eye for interior design aesthetics, even if he uses them to make a room look... Like That.

For Centuries Lucifer couldn’t even begin to talk about his interests without Diavolo flooding him with related gifts. He’s gotten better about it since.

Lucifer and Diavolo’s relationship was purely physical at first.

Beel often uses the fact that his brothers think he’s stupid for his own gain. Most of the time it’s to get more food, but whatever works works.

Lucifer is completely fire proof now as a demon, inside and out.

He has nightmares of fire, though.

In one of the battles of the Celestial war, The Archangel Michael did his Signature “Step on Lucifer’s face/head trick” And Lucifer nearly took his leg off for it.

All demons can both purr and growl.

Lucifer’s back is heavily scarred from his fall and Satan’s creation both.

Mammon physically regenerates the fastest, and Belphie the slowest.

Levi, due to Envy’s ability to constantly and unintentionally buff the demons around him, is always helping his brothers in some small way whether he means to or not.

Beel still has specific nightmares of Lilith’s death, and will often crawl into Belphie’s bed to hold him after.

Satan never knew Lilith, but he’s emotionally attached to her because of the vague memories he inherited from Lucifer.

Asmo’s hair, if he grew it out, would be loosely curly.

All Lust type demons are Incubi / Succubi / Concubi.

Wrath type demons are the ones who cause classic hauntings.

All sleep paralysis demons are Sloth demons, though.

Pride type demons are the most prone to possessing humans in power, despite Lucifer having never possessed a human before.

Barbatos is actually a little bit older than Diavolo, but not by much.

Luke is basically Michael’s son.

Simeon is the younger brother of the Archangel Jophiel (the Angel of Beauty).

Asmo, if given the chance to defect back to the Celestial Realm, would seriously consider it.

Mammon acts like a fool, but isn’t one himself.

Belphie and Beel aren’t quite telepathic, but they always know where the other is, or if they’re in trouble.

The Cardinal sin of Wrath traditionally writes all of the punitive legislation in the devildom, so Satan is the one who writes out what crime gets what punishment.

The Devildom’s economy has never flourished so much before Mammon became the sin of Greed.

A good 60% of the work Lucifer does is paperwork that should actually be handled by one of his brothers.

Asmo’s painted his nails with his own venom before, and then used it to kill people who piss him off.

The only person Lucifer can accept losing to is Diavolo.

Lucifer isn’t a functional person until around 2 hours after he’s woken up. Luckily he tends to get up around 4:30a.m. / 5a.m. so when normal people have to interact with him, he’s mostly aware.

Mammon likes to over-saturate his foods with toppings and sauces, which is why Beel can’t stand his cooking.

Asmo likes the taste of straight vodka.

Lucifer once slapped another demon’s head clean off when they spoke back to him while he was addressing Diavolo’s court.

Lucifer and Diavolo’s first real “Date” was in the Royal Garden.

Any part of an Archdemon is worth a small fortune, as they’re rather potent spell ingredients.

If you talk shit about Mammon near a Greed type demon they WILL beat your ass.

Diavolo loved Lucifer on sight. Or, well, he loved the look of him.