#the sad part is I like Bea (I think that’s her name) and heck even him sleeping with Helena doesn’t bother me

[whalehouse1]

Me: My favorite Robin is Dick Grayson.

Also me: -Avoids the Nightwing series like they’re plagues-

[elizabeatrice]

Feeling Blue, Seeing Red (Chapter 69)

Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga #5

Updated: 19/8/2020 (more thoughts)

Bea is back with the lame punny titles~

Warning: !!! MANGA SPOILERS UP TO CHAPTER 69 !!! Duh.

Soooo I opened the raws this morning. Saw the spicy and went 'ohh shoot'. Then some of y'all say that some folks are hating Akane bc of this chap. I proceeded to panic, because fandom war is scary af. So I translated the chap for myself. And I just gotta say:

Aoi, Nene, your boyfriends are idiots. Y'all gonna be punching and headbutting the idiocy out of them for the rest of your lives and I'll be willing to pay for your karate classes.

The teen drama made me laugh so hard ahahahaha I guess this is what you get for hoping sensei will drop a bomb this month lmaoooo.

P.S. Teru you little shit

Man I don’t even know where to begin. This chapter is oozing doraaaaama and I can’t take it seriously no matter how much I try. I remember thinking, “Shoot, this is the ‘I hate you, I hate you too, proceed to make out’ trope in JSHK’s classic ‘oooh serious moment, eh? PSYCHE!’ style,” before bursting into laughter.

I swear I’m not making fun of it.

Because it’s already fun to begin with. Ahahahaha.

I do however, take seriously the long-awaited insight into Aoi’s mind. I hollered in joy, y’all. ‘Cause like ... finally!

(Also like ... ngl the development of Aoi and akaoi in this arc might come into play in my Shrek AU. Pls don’t ask. Yet. That’s not the official AU name I swear I just wanna confuse my readers ahahaha)

Back when chapter 64 came out I wrote something that was supposed to be the first of the Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga series but I ended up not posting it because I wasn’t sure about a bunch of things. Here’s an excerpt from that post, titled ‘Aoi and Her Blues’:

I mean, what did the minions do to her? ‘Remove unnecessary things’. Someone said they removed her inhibitions (I’m terribly sorry I forgot who said this because it’s been so long so I can’t put the link here, but if you know, feel free to send me the link).

But she has to be brainwashed, right?

She remembered enough about Nene. Enough to call her out on her feelings (that she still denies btw lol) and recognize Hanako from Nene’s wonderful description (or because Aoi could see him all this time and never said anything, who knows?).

Most importantly, she remembered Akane.

So apparently they weren’t unnecessary enough to be erased from her memory. Which I’d beg to differ if I were going to make this girl willingly sacrifice herself.

Would she let her best friend fall down into a pit full of giant insects, or let her childhood friend get impaled? I mean this is the same girl that cried when Akane and Yamabuki got together (by accident) and when Nene started talking to herself like a madwoman.

So yeah. Definitely brainwashed. Pretty sure now.

The one thing that bugged me is what she said though.

“I’ve always wanted to go somewhere far away.”

“Nothing will stop me from getting my wish.”

Btw these aren’t accurate word for word I’m just drawing from memory.

Is that a wish forced upon her by the brainwashing, or has Aoi been depressed all this time and ... y’know, therefore thought about ‘going far away’? I’m personally leaning more towards the first, but it still got me thinking.

Remember back in The Clock Keeper arc when she said there was something she wanted to tell Nene?

Can some creepy hands showing up in the gardening club’s album photos really warrant that kind of expression? Is it just me who got disappointed when the thing she wanted to tell Nene ended up being just that?

But if she did have such thoughts, why?

Maybe she was lonely? I mean Nene got so busy with supernatural shenanigans. Akane’s busy with student council stuff (and school wonder stuff). Though I don’t doubt for a second that he’d drop everything for Aoi, but Aoi’s not the kind of person to do that. And to be honest, I feel like so far Aoi hasn’t been shown having genuine interaction with anyone aside from Nene and Yamabuki without the other person being completely enamored by her. And even with Yamabuki that was just in that After School chapter.

So I guess my hunch wasn’t that far off. Still though. Still though. Is she or is she not brainwashed? Because as much as Aoi likes-but hates-but actually kinda likes Akane, I still don’t think she’s the type of person to stab her childhood friend until he’s got a hole through his fucking torso.

Throwing Nene into the bug pit I guess makes more sense if Aoi knew all along that the pit won’t lead anywhere too dangerous, and that Hanako wouldn’t leave Nene’s side. Nene’s perfectly safe with him. Sorta. She did get kidnapped and were about to be sacrificed after all. But heeey Hanako still showed up to save her in the end.

Stabbing Akane like that tho? Even if she knows he wouldn’t die in a boundary especially in his school wonder form? It just doesn’t feel like Aoi, man.

Then again she did say no one really knows her, and that anyone who does would end up being disappointed in her.

I’m really happy to know that she does not, in fact, appreciate all the attention given to her. Comedy framing aside, constantly having some random guy approach you to ask you out presumably every day is ... annoying at best. Kid deserves better.

So ya girl got some extreme trust issues. Strangers, even Akane and Nene, I could understand. But her dad tho? Is something going on in the Akane household? Bruh ....

How long has Aoi not been able to trust anyone enough to let them get close to her? Because if she’s been feeling like that about Nene all this time, Imma be super sad bruh. Nene is one of the most genuine kids ever (perhaps only second to Kou).

I understand that Aoi’s disappointed because Nene’s been keeping secrets, but honestly, who would believe you if you come up to them and say, “Hey so I summoned a toilet ghost and now I’m stuck as his assistant. The rumors about supernaturals are like, totally real, and can endanger everyone in this school for real, too. Also I turn into fish when I come in contact with water.”

Sensible best friends would either a) not believe you, or b) try to get you as far away from supernatural shit as possible ‘cause hello? Ya ain’t Miles Morales ya can’t just blast What’s Up Danger when monster of the week shows up.

Even if Aoi does let it continue, wouldn’t she wanna get involved? Would Nene let her get involved when Tsukasa’s still around? Ya girl got cursed, thrown off the top of a boundary, sent to literally nowhere and everywhere, almost got her body stolen by mirror monsters, kidnapped and taken into a fake world, and now trapped in literal Grim Reaper’s realm. Honestly, who would involve their best friend in this sort of shit?

It just makes me sad to think that all this time Akane and Nene have genuinely cared about her but she didn’t think they were. Aoi, my girl Nene literally threaded hell boundaries and high shallow water to save you!!!

Unrequited platonic love hurts just as much as romantic ones, y’all ....

Speaking of romantic love.

Hey, uh, Akane. For claiming to despise Hanako and calling him a slimy pervert, y’all kinda act the same way with your respective girlfriends when things get a bit heated up, huh? Even the teasing part.

Boy, you’re dumb af. You deserve that.

There it is y’all, it’s official. We got punches for akaoi and headbutts for hananene.

You deserve this too. But Teru’s face here is really annoying, I’ll give you that. Teru you little shit.

At least you’re finally gonna be useful. Let’s just see.

Hmm I guess I have to address the thing now.

Ahem. The thing. The pushing (pulling?) Aoi down, grabbing her neck thing.

Yeah I don’t get it either. Whether it was a creative choice taken in consideration to the actual character’s state or to just pander to the trope that seems to be marketable in Japan or both, I don’t really know.

I do however, have to remind you that none of these kids are in their right mind. One is possibly still recovering from the effects of brainwashing and dealing with not only extreme trust issues and insecurities, but also the sight of a gaping hole on her childhood friend and perhaps crush’s torso, not to mention having to deal with this in the middle of nowhere. The other one is the said person with a gaping hole on his torso, who almost lost his life-long crush, and even got stabbed by her in the first place.

They’re lost. They’re tired. They’re emotional. They’re frustrated. They’re two hormonal teens.

I think Akane thought Aoi wouldn’t listen to him unless he makes her. Which is why he went with exposing her by saying he hated her. Which is still a dumb move in my opinion. But Aoi rightfully got back at him. And honestly I didn’t think he really hurt her. I mean, it’s Akane after all. *shrugs*

The way I see it, the entire thing was a result from not only their current condition but also the uh ... not telling each other how they really feel all this time. Aoi with her issues, Akane with his secrets. They’re a ticking bomb. It’s horrible that they ended up hurting each other because of this (physically and emotionally), but I could see why it went like this. These two are flawed. Most importantly, they’re teenagers. They’re bound to fuck up in this equation.

Heck, I’ve fucked up worse in less endangering situations before.

But heeey once things get cleared between them they fall right back to each other. Sure things aren’t entirely resolved. But they’re gonna be okay. Teru’s there. Should be fine. Probably.

The thing is we as the audience who come into the story with a clear head can easily figure out the best, most sensible way to deal with the characters’ problems. But these problems affect the characters in (physical, physiological, psychological, emotional) ways most of us can’t immediately empathize with, which can make their bad decisions frustrating for us to see. We know it’s wrong. And when these characters have calmed down and healed, they’ll know that it’s wrong, too. If they’re not dicks, that is.

You know how it feels when you’re fighting with someone, and you know the best thing to do is to talk it out, but you just can’t bring yourself to? It makes things worse, right? And you’re frustrated, right? Unfortunately that’s just how humans are.

Even I let my emotions get the best of me when I judged the villagers’ actions back in chapter 68 hahaha (but I still think they’re awful).

It’s just my opinion tho.

And whooo everyone is officially here but Yamabuki (and Sakura and Tsukasa, but they’re bound to show up)! Catch up soon, my citrus child.

Lastly, I have the moral obligation to remind you that if akaoi’s confrontation ended up like this, imagine how hananene’s would be.

I’ll leave you to your deductions.

As always, feel free to discuss. Just ... don’t fight, onegaishimasu.

[corpse--diem]

An Offer You Can’t Refuse | Felix & Erin

When: Very shortly before Big Felix Featuring: @streetharmacist Summary: During a drink to celebrate a job well done, Erin and Felix decide they’re not quite finished after all.

It wasn’t a conventional location by any means, but the way Felix saw it, they had left convention behind a few miles back. Dale was dead. Bea was alive. There was plenty of reason to celebrate. And what better way than watching humans embarrass themselves at the Siren’s Serenade? With an Absinthe Hemingway in hand, he sat at one of the tables farthest from the karaoke stage. He didn’t mind a spotlight or two in the slightest but...time and place. It could come later. Roy Chambers. The name Erin had mentioned. It made sense why it lingered in his dome for so long. It was a familiar name. The kind that bears repeating. A few utterances invoked the spirit of old connections and he was nonetheless eager to share. If only to see where the threads all went to. Felix took a sip and eyed the door as he waited. The way things were, it was a matter that certainly demanded to be discussed.

Finding Felix in the Siren’s Serenade crowd didn’t take long. Hard to miss the only guy in the place with sunglasses and Erin made a mental note to sensitively bring that up someday. She took just a moment to ready herself, straighten up, shake the tension from her shoulders. The job had been taken care of - Dale was dead. No cops were breaking down her door. Felix was being paid in full again. Generally speaking, things were that surface-level kind of okay that made meeting up for drinks not nearly as terrifying as it could have been. “Some real beauts in here tonight, huh?” She greeted him with a warm grin. Thank God he’d picked a table far, far away from that mess. The whiskey she ordered when she passed by the bar came as she settled into the spot opposite him, and was quiet otherwise until the plucky server left them alone. “How’s business?” Erin asked over the top of her glass, watching the curve of his lips in lieu of black glass. “Running smoother, I hope? Now that you’ve got that big ol’ bald roadblock out of the way.”

“You really missed out on a winner earlier,” Felix said as he sat up a little straighter as Erin approached the table. “Just when you thought folks got tired of Bohemian Rhapsody, bam, there it is again. Just a pitch higher and a pitcher more drunk too. You gotta love it.” He adjusted in his seat, propped an ankle up on one knee as he settled. At her question, he smiled and took a sip of his absinthe. “Business? Well, it’s business and business is booming. I think it’s the encroaching summertime. Really gets the people in a certain sorta way, y’know?” It wouldn’t do to mention how much he and Blaine had discussed how sad the youth of White Crest could be. It was an off time for most and when that was the case, it was an on time for them. At big ol’ bald roadblock, he gave a loud laugh and set his glass down. “Well heck, I can say that the push and pull is making a lot more sense and that’s always real nice to see in my line of work,” he admitted with a tilt of his head. “And yours? It’s not, ah, going under, is it?” He smiled. “Surely it’s not. Certainly not after a loss like that, huh?”

Erin spared a glance at the travesty on stage and immediately winced. “Does that mean that A Whole New World duet I was looking forward to with you is off the table?” She asked playfully, trying hard not to watch his smallest gestures and movements with too much scrutiny. Something had changed. She wasn’t sure what exactly, and it wasn’t something she’d be quick to call it trust. Maybe she should have been more unsettled by how easy it was to joke with a man who was basically an accomplice to the murder she organized. “Yeah? Glad to hear it. I’ll take it that means all is well.” She shook her head, eyes dropping to watch the ripples slam against glass. Oh boy. She’d need an emptier glass before she asked him to shine a light on any of that. Wouldn’t be good. She looked up again at his question. “Well, losses are my gain, generally speaking,” she shrugged. She sat back, tapping her finger against her glass as she contemplated her next words carefully. “Honestly?  Retirement is starting to look pretty damn good right now and I gotta tell you--the packages available in our line of work? Not great. I know our buddy Dale would agree.” Warmth flooded her cheeks and suddenly she swore she could feel the heat brimming from the crematory chamber that very same man had left this world in. She paused, pushing past it and ease into another smile. “I’m hoping maybe you do too.”

“Oh, I won’t turn down a duet but let’s see how things are a few weeks from now, huh?” Felix said, mouth more in a curved line of knowing than anything close to a smile. “I’m nothing if not in it for a chance at some old-fashioned theatrics.” He loved his shadows without question but put the right spotlight on him and even a guy like him wanted to shine. And on the off chance it was the light of an interrogation room, he could make do. If he were someone else, gifted with the same knowledge, maybe they’d be put off by the way Erin smiled post-murder. Maybe even by how he did. They’d certainly be put off by the way they laughed and clinked glasses. Their stomachs wouldn’t handle it. Some people were just hungrier. A fact of life that his teeth fit around just fine. He could smile around it and he did so. “Oh yeah, very well but things could always be better,” he said with a thoughtful hum. “But ain’t that just how it is? Place like this, with what it has going on, it’s hard to ever really be satisfied since the work is never really done. I mean, you get it, right? All things considered, you got job security for life.” He tipped his glass towards her with a low laugh. As she spoke, he considered what she said carefully. There wasn’t any buzz in his chest other than the absinthe on his tongue. Words were everything to fae. They meant the slimmest difference between being in or getting out of a bind. “Hoping I do too, huh? Sounds to me like you’re looking for a newer, better deal. Very FDR of you, I dig it,” he said as he leaned forward intently. “Since we’re on the subject and all, I’ve got some information you might like to hear. About the ol’ bossman of yours.”

Old-fashioned. Erin had to laugh at that. Seemed to be this guy’s MO. It worked for him. “Why am I not surprised by that?” But he wasn’t wrong, about any of it, and part of her wondered if Dale had done them both a favor. He’d been the catalyst, the wild card that had spurned all of this on. Pissed Felix off enough to darken her doorway that fateful evening, stirring up tempers and trouble for them all. She could admit she’d grown comfortable, almost complacent in her rage, stewing and simmering. Now it was boiling over almost recklessly. It’d brought her here. If there was any hope to be had, it was right in front of her. Felix was quick. More knowledgeable than he let on. And sharp. She could tell that much already. Judging what side of the blade she fell on here was harder to distinguish but she knew she wanted to one the right one. “There’s always a better deal,” she nodded at his words, matching his dry smile. “Just ask any of my vendors though--I’m a hell of a negotiator.” Her eyes jumped from her drink to his sunglasses, momentary uncertainty flickering across her well set poker face at the mention of her boss. So much for that. “Do you? And how much is that gonna cost me?” She asked, shrugging nonchalantly. If she’d learned anything, it was that nothing came free. “If it’s worth anything at all. If you’re about to remind me that he’s a son of a bitch, trust me. I’m well aware.”

“You’re not? Dang, I gotta keep working on my front then.” Felix said with a smile as he unfolded an old matchbook and lit himself a cigarette. He waved the match out, breathed in nicotine, then breathed it out the side of his mouth. The karaoke choice shifted to something poppy that he didn’t recognize. It was bold what he and Erin were doing. Discussing dark things in the dim light of a karaoke bar. That was half of the thrill, really, the likelihood of being seen by the forces they discussed. Even if they were, no one would think anything of it right then. They were just chatting. See them now, but when the knifepoint touched to a neck with a pulse that hammered so hard the knife trembled, they might have wished they looked harder. Death granted a keen hindsight to the dying. One last gift. “Oh, I believe it. Death is an awful expensive business and while dirt naps are cheaper sometimes, can’t fault someone for wanting to rot in mahogany,” he said as he pulled the cigarette from between his lips and tapped it against the ashtray. “But gotta say, it’s good to know that you ain’t satisfied with all this business yet because I ain’t either. I think we can get dealt a better hand here.” He smiled. Erin was sharp. Quick. That was good. He appreciated the kind of company that could cut thin but cut deep. “Not much,” he admitted vaguely. “As for what I know, this guy, Roy Chambers? He ain’t just here. I’ve got some fellas in New York that know the name. He’s got his fingers in a lot of pies. A lot of pies that other people have made. Now that? That doesn’t sit right with me at all. Between you and me, guys like that shouldn’t have so much. It’s unseemly.”

There was something so incredibly appropriate about Felix lighting up that cigarette. Shadowy booths, shady conversations, smoke billowing around them in the dimly lit bar. Theatrics, case-in-point. Erin shook her head slowly, barely suppressing the smirk that lifted the corner of her lips. All they needed now was a black and white filter and a costume change to truly set the mood. “New York?” she echoed, raising her brows. Shit. This guy was a bigger deal than she anticipated with a reach like that. She could practically see the cogs and wheels spinning behind Felix’s glasses. “Of course he did. He probably thinks he’s the Elon Musk of White Crest,” she said, rolling her eyes. Didn’t surprise her though. Greed fueled monsters like Roy Chambers. He was a glutton, and a comfortable one. Constantly hungry, constantly devouring. Already trying to take bites out of her with her mother’s bones still stuck in his teeth. Her jaw set tightly and she glanced up from the napkin corner she was picking apart. “That’s a lot of pie, though. Sounds like you’re thinking about taking a few slices for yourself, yeah?” They were tiptoeing around it but there was no mistaking what Felix was implying. “If you’re offering--I could eat.”

Felix nodded through the smoke. “Yup. Makes sense. White Crest isn’t exactly a hub for this kinda work. Not really,” he said as he raised a hand and spread his fingers out. “He’s got a nice web here, sure, but a guy like this, it’s always bigger.” He smiled to himself then as he shifted forward and lifted himself from the shadow of the wall. He grinned. Erin got it. He had a feeling she would. She was tired of it and when people got tired of bullshit, they got restless. Proactive, even. And they made it known in ways that wouldn’t readily be forgotten. “Precisely, precisely.” His word manufacturing slowed as he got to thinking, his tongue pressed against the top of his mouth. “You see, I’d be fine taking a figure off or two, free up some space,” he admitted with a shrug, his tone easy. “Could do that, sure. It’d make things a little easier, you know, for you and me.” He gestured between the two of them. The grin he wore lessened by the second. “But I don’t think we’d be satisfied. Half-measures don’t sit right with me. Half-measures get you right back where you started.” He shook his head and looked at Erin. There wasn’t any concern or doubt in him. She got it. “Nah,” he said as he stabbed his cigarette into the ash tray. “We take off the whole fucking hand.” He laced his fingers together and sat up. “These debts you inherited? A couple Roy phalanges ought to cover it. With interest.” Money was a motivating factor in plenty but getting a guy back, that went further. It lived longer. “We do this? Really do this? We’re square for life. So yeah, Ms. Nichols, I’m offering.”

There it was--the proposition Felix had been inching toward since Erin had sat down across from him. At some point she knew it was coming. Maybe he needed someone low on Roy’s radar, capable of stomaching the hard jobs with a motivation matched his own. He sure as hell looked at her like he’d found someone to fill that slot. She could do it. He just needed to say the words and make it real. When he finally did, something dangerously close to hope woke with a hard start beneath her ribcage. She hadn’t expected that but she couldn’t pretend that it didn’t feel good. Her mind had been made up long before she finally spoke. 

“Let’s really do this, then. Let’s cut off the hand. I’ll take the whole damn arm if that’s what it takes,” she answered without hesitation. Bit back a big, sharp grin. If they failed, they died. That wasn’t lost on her for a second. She’d been in survival mode for so long now though that it was easy to forget what she was doing now was purely existing. It didn’t sustain or nurture. Just kept her alive enough to trudge through the next day. It was time. She was ready to live again, even if trying was the last thing she ever did, and she met Felix’s hand halfway across the table. “I’m all in.”

[lrugloyak]

Ben's uncle (i.e. another dream about a hot demon)

(Hi. If it’s your first time here, you can go HAHA. I’m not sure when I can focus back on my personal musings on here, but generally if you’re staying behind, I hope it’s for the memes. This is just a dream journal entry -- something I’d like to look back and laugh at in the future or, say, show to a therapist when I’ll need one lmao. Happy New Year!)

Like the actor who plays the old version of the lead guy in huling el bimbo; if not taller and darker but still theatre actor, basta real and dark like daveed but pinoy and no facial hair lmao

Ben's uncle drives me to school. Real school. With little Ben. Ben's uncle is wearing a black collared shirt with green double stripes.

I forget to bring socks and topple off the car with just slippers on and shoes in hand. He thinks I'm silly. I think he's hot. I tell myself I'll ask him out soon. I'm in high school.

I'm strangely waiting outside the lobby for class. It's afternoon. I go with Che to the gate bc I'm bored waiting. I trip over a few Christmas balls. When I get up, she's on the other side of the gate on some sort of fine ticking stuff off. I tell myself i can do that and reach for the pen. Ms. Joji is beside che with 2 familiar janitors from sisc. She politely chuckles to herself. I ask her why, and she tells me I'm kind but why care about this now. She touches my hand and carries on. I'm a bit disappointed.

It's nearly evening and i see ben's uncle's car roll around nearby but dismiss it. Bea v has a twin and draws in a small crowd of people as she loudly rants about her time at school, some story about being teased and embarrassed as she was called Bea Duh and V____. It seemed more like a pun that made sense in my dream. They were annoying but i had nothing against then so i just stayed behind the crowd and listened. They seemed like they just wanted people to listen and sympathize but it felt like a clout thing. The people seemed like they didn't like listening either but they were bored and liked being in the crowd. I giggled to myself while she was talking about something i wasn't listening to. All eyes turned to me. She asked if i had something to say. I saw ben's uncle's back from afar as he was rummaging through the back seat. I didn't think he saw me. I mindlessly started with my story about forgetting my shoes that morning and it was embarrassing. But i slipped with the fact that i wanted to ask ben's uncle out. I looked back at the crowd and saw their eyes light up. Someone asked me why. I said because he was hot. They ask laughed. I just said yeah he's hot! The crowd ate it up as i was pretending to be all the rage, making my story funnier and being more loose and confident with the way i moved. I didn't say it out loud, but thoughts of ben's uncle being attractive bc he was thoughtful, funny, kind and attentive were flooding my head. I look back at him and see he's staring right back at me with kind eyes and a wondering smile on his face. I laugh bc I'm having a good time with the crowd and i unknowingly proved a point to bea that you can turn embarrassing stories into good and still be in good company. Ben's uncle is by the gate. His elbow brushes past mine and we lock eyes. I asked if he heard all that. He asks what time my classes started and i realize oh yeah I've been waiting out here a bit alone for a class I'm not sure I'm having. We chuckle at the realization. He is admitted through sisc's electronic gate.

Search for the demon in a village that looks like manuela but with wider roads. Felt like the village in wallace and gromit. Forgot most of this part but it was heart racing and fun; i hate when i forget the adventure parts Couldn't capture the demon but found a book with some inscriptions. Had to go somewhere to find people who could help us. We were to go to a shack that same night.

I arrive with my friend to the shack. We find two guys in a room that looked a lot like lolas room now that i think about it. Guys are sleeping soundly in a bed. He tells me to take a nap first so i take a nap on a space on the right side of the bed, which was disappointing bc i wanted to help look for the demon. I am mostly asleep, but he didn't know i was still partly awake and listening and watching him decipher the book he just found. Guy in the middle wakes up and says demon is in the house, they just haven't found him yet. Informs they need to do a ritual to drive him out. They don't know how the ritual will go. They leave the room already chanting something foreign that doesn't seem to be working. I hear them enter the room beside this. September starts playing. They are chanting i think.

When the verse comes up, i hear one of them say it's not working. It was then when the legs of the guy on the left side of the bed started rising even though he was still asleep. He is wearing a grey tshirt. Hmm lol probs not important. The chorus comes and i hear the guys in the other room say that hey this isn't so bad; it's not working but they're not getting hurt from all the heavy chanting. Left side of the bed guy's arms were now rising too. "I'm not in my body" i hear the being on what looked like lolas computer chair in the shadows say. I understand he was driven out. That guy was ben's uncle. He tells me to go back to sleep. I smile and say no. So it's you, i think. He didn't have to answer. There was a bit of silence as September continued playing and the guys in the other room just sounded like they were dancing at this point.

I ask if he knew I wanted to ask him out when he passed me as he went to pick ben up from inside the school. He said yeah and smiled. I felt no shame. We both laughed. I was getting sleepier. I asked if he was the bad guy. He said yes even though I was hoping more that he'd say no. The info automatically popped in my head: he was called the necromancer. He asked why i asked, and i answered it was because nothing changed and i still wanted to go out with him. He considered it, i can feel it. He asked why, implying why i would want that knowing he's the demon, and i said bc he's hot. We both chuckled. He smiled again. Go to sleep he said, but i wouldn't budge. His human's legs and arms are still up. He won't keep his eyes off me. It seems more sincere. I'm not scared at all. Fuck, he's cute. He realizes he can't convince me. He walked over to my end of the bed and sat by my waist. We stare at each other for a bit and it feels like we've been talking for hours. I ask will you hold my hand and he takes it. His hand feels human. It even feels as nervous as one. I tell him everyone's capable of change. He looks at me with love in his eyes. The sound of September is drowned out by the feeling of time to rest your weary head clouding my senses. I don't want to wake up yet; i want to save him.

I wake up. I think there's been an earthquake.

I bite my lip.

Alright! So this was supposed to be a mind farts thing, which is why some sentences are less...sentence-like than others. Typed this out when I woke up at 5:48am. I was sad that I couldn’t get back to sleep bc I wanted to see Ben’s uncle again HAHAHAHA THE THIRST IS REAL and it’s so weird how I always just referred to him as Ben’s uncle and not??? a name?????

Okay, here are my notes possible factors:

• Gian Magdangal, but here in his role in AHEB and not anywhere else lol

I didn’t even feel the least attracted to him here; I’m not sure why Ben’s uncle took his form and why I was so eager to get in cahoots with him HAHAHAHA SORRY GIAN

• By “real school,” I mean my actual high school -- that part of the entrance was perfect in my head to the last detail. Little Ben, whoever the heck he is, was also wearing the grade school uniform. 

• The last I’ve heard from Che was from an instagram post for the holidays. I’m not sure why she got in here. 

• For the life of me, I don’t know what Ms. Joji and my school janitors represented. Maybe it’s my late feeling of detachment from being coined as a nice person. I can’t promise I’ll write about that here. 

• I don’t know why Bea V is here either huhu. Despite what it seems like, I hold no grudges (or any real personal connection) to her, at least to my knowledge

• The action sequence in Manuela probably comes from how I’ve been going there often for the holidays and truly wanted to stay longer that I did. 

• September??? My dad’s been playing songs of that era when his friends came around and when he’d have the hand at the Manuela get-togethers.

• The thirst? Yeah it comes with all the dreams now, it seems. Haha. Remember Suit Guy from the other dream? I’m convinced they’re the same character. After my closure with a real boy last month, I reverted back to talking to Angel. I don’t expect you to know who he is as I’ve never mentioned him officially in writing. It’s not like anyone’s going to read this anyway until I’m dead, but Angel’s been my imaginary friend for years. I’m not sure for how long, but perhaps it was since fallen angel tropes took over YA fiction (say, my 5th grade years?) or since I got into Supernatural. It comforts me to have a hot imaginary friend I can banter and actually fight with to talk to. I guess my fixation on tall mysterious guys (and after watching Daddy Long Legs din pala last night) just played into my metaphorical love for Angel.

[ghostsinthewoods]

Chapter Six: Pizza Party

The entrance to the club was like some sort of horrible monster's mouth. The monster roared, but instead of just noise, it was lights and club music. People came and went, entering and exiting the mouth. They all looked like dorks.

Mae almost wasn't sure why she was there. She'd been feeling awful lately. Bad dreams. Headachey. Whatever.

She had a mission, didn't she? Mae had to, one, apologize to the guy she thought was the guy she put in the hospital; and two, try and get Bombshell's info. Like, at least her Chattrbox account. Mae was going to keep coming until this was a thing.

On top of all of that, a night out with Bea was always fun. Bea had been reluctant to bring Mae along at first, but Borowski was nothing if not persistent. The two friends stood on the precipice of clubbing. They were, like, dungeon explorers. Or something.

"Mae, are you sure you're up for this?" Bea asked. There was real concern in her voice. Once again: Mom Friend.

"I'm good," Mae said. She'd meant to sound confident. She wound up sounding like she wasn't certain herself. She looked at Bea out of the corner of her eye. "Hey… if I see Andy in there, can you, like… back me up?"

"You don't even know if he's really Andy Cullen," Bea pointed out. "That being said, I will absolutely be in your corner, Maeday."

That brought a smile to Mae's face. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing for Bea to be a Mom Friend.

Jackie was waiting for them inside of the club. Well, she was waiting for Bea. Mae just happened to be there. While Bea and Jackie exchanged pleasantries, Mae scanned the crowd.

Yup. He was there. Andy, or Drew, or whoever he was, was out on the dancefloor. He was just sort of standing around. Not really moving to the beat. He had a shy, uncertain smile on his face as he sipped from his red plastic cup.

Alright. Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. There was no need to panic about this. Mae had been able to apologize to Levy, right? Levy had been cool. He'd even shared his drugs with her. That was, like, the opposite of someone being angry.

"Hey, Bea…" Mae started to say, but she stopped. Bea and Jackie were talking about something going on at Jackie's school. Some protest, or something. It was intense, Jackie-as-hell talk.

Mae didn't want to interrupt. I mean, obviously this was important, but Mae couldn't just butt in on their conversation. Even if what Mae was doing was super important and interesting.

Besides, she had a clear path to him. If Mae waited too long, the dancefloor would be cluttered with dancing hipsters and gyrating dorks. Mae wasn't gonna try and make her way through a crowd like that. It was now or never.

Mae made her way across the dancefloor to where Drew was standing. Bea could keep talking about protests or whatever. Mae wasn't nervous or upset or anything. She was good. She was confident, and no one could prove otherwise.

"Hey," she croaked out when she was close enough. Drew blinked a few times. He seemed surprised that Mae had just walked up to him and started talking. That was kind of understandable. As far as he seemed to know, he'd only met her once.

"Oh, hey… uh… you," Drew said. He gave another one of his nervous smiles. It just drew attention to his weird, bent nose. Mae winced when she saw it. She hadn't done that, had she? She hadn't been paying attention when the… incident had happened.

All she remembered were the shapes. Red shapes.

"You okay?" Drew asked, and Mae snapped back. She'd started drifting off for a bit. She tried to regain her composure. Tried to.

"Hey, so, I wanted to ask you something. Sorry if this is a weird question." She laughed. It was not a natural laugh at all. If Mae heard someone laugh like that, she'd think they were a serial killer.

"Is your last name Cullen?"

The club seemed to disappear for a moment. The music, the lights, the other people, they were all gone. Everything was frozen in time while Mae waited for an answer to the question. She hoped he'd say 'no'. She wanted to apologize, and she wanted closure, but most of all she wanted this to be a mistake.

Please, she thought, let it be a mistake. Please, please, God, don't let his name be Cullen.

The amazed look on his face, however, wasn't a good sign. Slowly, the club returned to normal time as Andy gave his answer.

"How did you know?" He asked. "Wait, did we go to school together?"

Oh, eff you, God. Thanks for nothing.

Mae felt the world start to spin. She wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't sure what to say. What could she say? She'd been planning for this, and now she was completely helpless.

"Start a fire. Start a fire and escape in the confusion."

Mae tried to ignore the Dream Casey's bad advice. She generally tried to do that. It hadn't been too easy lately, though.

"No, I… I just remembered you from softball," Mae said. "In, uh… in middle school."

The look of pleasant surprise on Andy's face changed to one that wasn't as easy to read. What was it? Fear? Sadness? Anger? Whatever it was, it seemed like softball was a sore subject for him. This was a bad idea. But Mae was already in this deep, and she didn't know what else to do except keep on going.

"Yeah, I guess that would be kind of memorable, huh?" Andy said. He took another sip of his beer, chuckling a bit. "God, that's not something I wanted to think about tonight. Were you… at the game where it happened?"

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. An entire explosion of shit.

He really didn't recognize her. That was good, Mae guessed. Sort of. But how would he react to finding out? She somehow doubted he'd take it as well as Levy had. He didn't look anywhere near high enough.

Then again, maybe this was all just a coincidence. Maybe he was a different Andy Cullen who'd had an unfortunate experience at a softball game. Yeah, sure! There were probably hundreds of Andy Cullens who'd been hospitalized during a softball game.

No, wait. That was dumb.

There wasn't anything else Mae could do, it seemed. Nothing but talk. And Mae was awful at talking.

"Yeah," Mae said. "Yeah, I mean, I was sort of there. At the game. I… uh… I…" Mae's eyes went wide as she began to trail off. Her focus shifted away from Andy, zeroing in on something in the distance.

Andy frowned. A look of genuine concern appeared on his face. "Oh, jeez. Are you okay?" He asked. He sounded seriously scared for this girl he barely knew.

But Andy didn't need to be concerned. He hadn't seen what Mae had seen, so he didn't know what had caused her to trail off. But behind Andy, at the back of the club, was the bar.

And at the bar, sitting on a stool with a drink in her hand, was the Bombshell.

She hadn't noticed Mae yet. The dancefloor wasn't too crowded, but there was still enough activity that Mae would be difficult to spot. But that was good. If she'd seen Mae first, Mae might have had a panic attack.

"Hey, hey!" Andy said. "Are you alright?" He reached out to try and shake Mae back to reality, but she brushed him aside.

"Yeah, nice seeing you too," she said, practically sleepwalking past him and towards the bar.

Part of Mae was actually more scared of Bombshell than she was of Andy. After all, Andy was just a dude she'd hospitalized. Bombshell was a cute girl. Cute girls mattered a whole heck of a lot more than hospitals.

Their eyes met by the time Mae was at the edge of the dancefloor. Mae watched helplessly as her crush smiled and waved at her. Okay, good. She recognized her. That was good. And terrifying. That put a lot more pressure on her.

"Hi, it's me," Mae said when she made it to the bar. Talking to her had been so much easier last time. "You know. Mae. Borowski."

"Hey, you," Bombshell said with a small smirk. "Haven't seen you around here in a while. How'd your ghost situation work out, Borowski?"

Oh, great. She even remembered Mae's little confession. Good. This was good. This was not a problem at all.

"Oh, you know, fine," Mae said. "Turns out it wasn't a ghost. Just a cult. But now a ghost is, like, in my head, or something, and I don't know what to do about that."

That got a laugh out of Bombshell. Mae wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad sign. She was gonna say it was mixed for now.

"You're an interesting person, Borowski. Did you know that?"

Mae chuckled. "Yeah, well, being interesting is all you can ever hope to be."

That brought a round of polite laughter out of both of them. This was going pretty okay. So far, Mae hadn't puked on herself or bumped into a doorframe or anything. And, despite talking about the ghost in her head, Bombshell didn't seem to think she was crazy.

Actually, that was a little weird. Even Mae thought she was crazy, so why didn't this girl? Whatever. Mae could come back to that later.

"You know," Bombshell said, setting her drink on the bar top. "You and I didn't really get a chance to talk last time. Not for long, anyway."

"Yeah," Mae chuckled. "I mean, I didn't even get your name or phone number or anything."

Bombshell snickered. "Is that your way of asking for my phone number?" She asked.

Mae immediately backpedaled. "What? No. I'm… don't. No reception. Phones. Phones!"

That made Bombshell laugh again. Why did this girl keep laughing at her? Mae was funny, but she wasn't that funny. She hadn't, like, busted out any really good jokes or anything.

"So," Bombshell said, "you wanna get outta here?"

Mae's face immediately felt hot. Oh, jeez. Was she asking what Mae thought she was asking? This was going pretty quickly. Holy crap. Mae didn't think she was ready for that sort of thing. "Well," she said, "I mean, my friend was my ride, so I don't think I could, like, go to your place."

Bombshell raised her eyebrow, a smirk on her face. "Not what I was asking, Borowski. I was talking about pizza. Do you like pizza?"

Well, that was a dumb question. "Everyone likes pizza. You show me someone who says they don't like pizza, I will show you a liar."

Once again, Bombshell was laughing. Mae was trying to be funny that time, though, so it worked out. She was starting to feel less and less awkward. Of course, Mae always felt awkward, but she was at least reaching normal levels of awkwardness.

"Alright, well," Bombshell said, straightening herself up. "You wanna hit up the pizza place across the street?"

"I mean, I don't have any money, so I'll eat pretty much anywhere," Mae said.

Bombshell didn't laugh this time. She just smiled. It was this weird, knowing smile. Was this the face people made when they flirted? Mae didn't have a super whole lot of experience with flirting. She'd kissed maybe two people in her life. And the last time she'd tried to talk to someone cute, she'd wound up with a mouthful of trash spaghetti.

"Alright, then. I'll pay, but you owe me," Bombshell said. "I'll meet you at the pizza place. You're probably gonna wanna tell your friend, right?"

"Yeah. Tell her about pizza," Mae said. "I'll meet you at pizza."

Mae watched as Bombshell walked off into the crowd of dancing dorks. She couldn't believe she'd done it. She'd set out to talk to the Bombshell, and she did the talking part. She talked real good.

She had a feeling she was forgetting something, but Mae dismissed it. For now, she had to find Bea.

"You know, Borowski, when I said you should tell your friend, I meant, like, tell her where you would be," Bombshell said. "I didn't think you'd invite her along."

Mae, Bea, and the Bombshell all sat in a booth table at the pizza place near the club. Bombshell had ordered a medium pizza, half pepperoni, half cheese. A safe bet. She'd already helped herself to a slice of the cheese.

"Yeah, see, I figured," Bea said.

Mae gave them both an embarrassed look. Jackie and Bea had been talking with some third girl about, like, corporations or net neutralities or something. Mae couldn't help but feel like she'd interrupted something.

This was important, though. The imporantest. It had been a long, long time since Mae had been on anything that could be considered a date, and her last date had ended with the guy covered in puke and Mae on the back of a tractor. Mae needed a friend with her. Just to be safe.

"Well, you're here now!" Mae said, laughing a bit too loudly.

Bombshell had an amused little smile on her face. Why was she always smiling? What did she know? What secrets lurked behind those purple bangs? Mae grabbed a slice of pepperoni and stuffed it into her mouth so as to not make a fool of herself.

Bea and Bombshell shared a look. It was a look that said, 'Can you believe this?' 'No, dude, I can't.'

"So, uh," Bea said. "It looks like you've got everything under control. I'm going to get back to the party. I'll be near the entrance if you need me."

"It was nice meeting you, Bea," Bombshell said as Bea slid out of her seat. Mae frantically grabbed at her friend's sleeve, pulling her close to whisper.

"Don't leave, Bea," Mae said. "I have no clue what I'm doing."

"You'll be fine. Let go," Bea muttered, pulling to get her sleeve free. All the while, Bombshell was just watching.

Eventually, Bea managed to tug herself out of Mae's grip. Her sleeve was a little torn, Mae noticed. Ugh. Mae had used her claws without even realizing it. Great. Bea was gonna be pissed about this.

Beatrice walked away, and soon Mae and Bea were alone in the pizza place. Well, there was Casey, but he might not be real. Still, it was rude of him to sit in on this lovely pizza date without being invited. That was such a Casey move.

"Your friend seems nice," Bombshell said.

Oh, God, she was trying to start a conversation. Act natural, Mae. Act. Natural.

"Oh, yeah, she's pretty cool," Mae said. "She knows a lot about… hammers. And, uh… taxes?"

"Those are important things to know about," Bombshell said, helping herself to another slice of cheese. "God, the pizza here's horrible. Don't hold it against me."

Mae's eyes lit up. Finally, something she could talk about.

"Well, I mean," Mae said. "You obviously haven't heard of the pizza scale."

Bombshell laughed. Again. Always laughing. "The what?" She asked.

Mae took another slice of pepperoni and took a bite, trying to focus. Focus on pizza.

"Well," Mae said. "There's this… scale. And on one end, there's the worst pizza. The uneatable stuff. But, like, everything above that is good as hell. You know? And it keeps going into, like, infinity."

"Profound," Bombshell mused. "Now that I think about it, that makes a lot of sense."

"Thanks," Mae said. "It's an original idea I came up with myself."

Silence. No sound except the ambient music the pizza place played and the noise of people munching on pizza. Despite what she'd said about the scale, Mae had to agree that this pizza was kind of awful. That wasn't gonna stop her from eating it, though.

God, though. What else was there to talk about? Mae didn't know much about this girl, except she had cool hair and was hot as heck. Mae was rusty at the whole dating thing.

Casey had always been good at dating. In the last years of high school, he'd kind of built up a reputation as a playboy. He hadn't been too proud of that reputation, though. Still, Casey had a way with people he was into. What would Casey say in a situation like this?

"You should definitely tell her that you seriously injured the last dude you kissed."

Ugh. No. Wrong. What would the real Casey say? Not dream Casey.

Well, he'd probably be honest. He'd joke around. He'd do what Mae was trying to do, but with more confidence.

Okay. Confidence. Mae could at least pretend to have that.

"So, uh," Mae said as she finished off her third slice of pepperoni. "This might sound a little nuts, but… I came to a party here last month, and I was kind of bummed out that I didn't see you."

Bombshell's smile went from quietly amused to… well, it was just a genuine, flattered smile. "That doesn't sound nuts, honestly," she said. "Okay, maybe it's a little nuts, but no more nuts than some other stuff I've heard."

Mae winced. "Uh, yeah. I guess some stuff I say doesn't make sense to people who aren't me."

Bombshell shook her head. "No, not from you. Although… yeah, you are a little hard to decipher, Borowski. But no, I'm talking about my ex."

"Bad experience?" Mae asked. She knew a little something about relationships not working out. Although she doubted Bombshell's story could top Mae's prom story.

"God, she's this whole thing that that neither of us have time for," Bombshell said.

And this time, they both laughed.

It was only when Mae reached for a fourth slice of pizza that she realized they'd eaten it all. Had they just eaten really, really fast? Or had more time passed? Mae looked up at a clock hanging over the exit and was surprised by what time it was.

"Wow," Mae said. "Didn't realize we'd been here for this long."

"Time is mysterious," Bombshell said. She placed a few bills on the check that had come with the pizza. Slowly, she stretches as she stood up out of her seat. Mae tried her best not to stare.

"This was fun," she said, smiling at Mae. "But I've gotta get going. I have classes tomorrow, and I can't miss them."

"Oh, yeah, me either," Mae said, and immediately regretted it. The two shared some laughter again. It took Mae a few seconds to realize that Bombshell wanted her to walk with her.

The two exited the pizza place and made their way to a small, grey car parked along the sidewalk. Mae noticed a good number of bumper stickers on the rear of the car. Apparently, Bombshell was pretty involved in wildlife groups.

That was cool. Mae wasn't that involved in, like, anything.

"Well, uh," Mae said as she watched Bombshell open up the driver's side door. "I guess I'll see you around, then."

Bombshell smirked. "Not if I see you first," she said. She paused just before she stepped into the car. "Borrrrrowski."

Oh. Jeez. She was doing that again. Mae smiled, waving dumbly as Bombshell drove away from the pizza place and into the night. The last thing Mae saw of Bombshell that night was a hundred bumper stickers telling her to donate to various wildlife funds.

"So, it seemed like things went pretty good for you," Bea said as the two drove back to Possum Springs.

Mae had been drifting off when Bea spoke. Something about the long dark of a highway at night made her sleepy. "Whazzat?" She mumbled, her eyes half-open.

"Uh. Your Bombshell?" Beatrice said. "You talked to her? You ate pizza? You also tore up my sleeve, but we can talk about that later."

"Yeah, pizza's good," Mae mumbled. "I dunno. She kept, like, laughing and smiling, and it was weird. I think she was making fun of me."

"If she was making fun of you, I don't think she would have bought pizza," Bea commented. "I'm pretty sure she was just flirting with you, Mae. People tend to laugh and smile when they're flirting."

"Do they?" Mae asked. "I mostly just, like, freeze up. Or ruin my chances with them."

"That's a winning strategy right there," Bea snarked.

"You know," Mae said, adjusting herself in her seat to wake herself up, "all this stuff lately, with the making amends, and the ghost in my head, it's gotten my all edgy and sad and weird."

"Wait, what was that about a ghost—"

"But, like, I dunno. Doing normal person stuff made me feel almost normal. Like, eating pizza with a cute girl, or hanging out with you at a club, makes me feel like I'm not a complete nutjob."

Bea gave Mae a worried, disapproving look. "Mae, you're not a nutjob. You've got issues, but they're issues that lots of people go through."

"Bea, I get what you're saying, and I'm sure you're right, but I put a kid in the hospital," Mae said. "There's this big, black thing in my head, and sometimes I feel like it's going to swallow everything."

Bea was quiet. She reached out to turn off the radio. That was a shame. Mae liked the noise. She liked having stuff in the background.

"Are you talking to Dr. Feldman about this?" Bea asked.

Mae groaned. "No. I mean, I'm not… telling him a whole lot. I told him I smoked weed, but—"

"Okay, Mae, you can't just keep saying stuff like that and expect me not to question it," Bea said. "You smoked weed? Why? When?"

"Last Sunday," Mae said. "And, uh… I dunno why. Just felt like a thing to do."

And, there it was; Bea was making the Mom Friend face. Ugh. Mae appreciated her worrying, but she so didn't want to talk about this now. She wanted to sleep. Her stomach was upset from the pizza.

Pizza and talking to a cute girl really took it out of you.

"Mae, I didn't help your parents find this guy so you could not talk to him," Bea said. She had this whole stern but concerned tone to her voice. Cranky Mom Friend. "You tell him all of this shit, okay? Otherwise he won't be able to help you."

"Okay, okay," Mae said. She sighed. The next appointment wasn't for a few weeks. Mae had a feeling she'd have a lot to talk about when the time came. Her headaches and dreams were getting worse. And, to top it all off, the big day was coming up for Gregg and Angus.

No. Now wasn't the time to think about all of this. Mae had had a good night. She'd eaten pizza, talked to a hot girl, and didn't make an ass of herself at that club for once.

This was good. Mae was good.

…

"Aw, frick!"

Mae's outburst nearly caused Bea to swerve off the road. Probably a bad idea to scream in a quiet car like that. Yeah. Bea looked at Mae, a bit of panic in her expression.

"Whoa, what?" She asked. "Are you okay?"

"I forgot to get her details again!" Mae said. She slapped her hands to her face, covering her eyes in shame. "I didn't even get her name! Frigging crap!"

"Wow. This time, you don't even have running after me as an excuse," Bea said. Mae noticed the slightest hint of a smirk on her face. Of course she was smirking. Of course she was. Sarcastic Mom Friend.

"Don't rub it in, Beatrice," Mae grumbled. "I'm already sick from the pizza. I don't need you making me feel worse."

"Hey, I'm just saying, you've gotta step up your game, Maeday," Bea teased. "Keep this up, and you'll grow up into some old, crazy cat lady."

Despite how she was feeling, that made Mae smile a bit. "Eh," she said. "I'm getting there."

The two friends shared a laugh as Bea's car drove down the seemingly endless expanse of highway before them. The night sky met the dark of the road, and in that moment, everything seemed to be connected. Mae stared out into the dark until she finally fell asleep.

[ghostsinthewoods]

Chapter Three: Born to Lose

“You really think it was him?”

The old Birthday Zone of the Party Barn was the same as it always was: dusty, quiet, and littered with birthday streamers. Mae and Gregg had been the first to arrive, like usual, and the two best friends sat alone on their makeshift stage.

“I mean, I didn’t really get a good look at him the last time I saw him, but he looks like what I remembered,” Mae sighed. “Only, you know, not bleeding and crying.”

Gregg was acting like Beatrice had when Mae told her about this; surprised, but not entirely disbelieving.  Mae kind of liked having her friends believe her. Then again, running into someone from an old softball game was a lot more likely than ‘Oh, hey, ghosts.’

Not that ghosts were impossible. In fact, in Mae’s opinion, they were very possible. The possiblest.

“That sounds like a pretty garbage night,” Gregg said consolingly.

“And the worst part is I didn’t even see Bombshell!” Mae blurted.

“Oh!” Gregg said. “Uh, yeah, I guess that’s… worse?” He blinked in confusion. Mae realized almost immediately that Gregg wouldn’t really be able to get this. He’d been dating Angus for years, after all. He probably didn’t know remember anxious seeking out someone you were into was.

“I mean, on the plus side, Jackie didn’t, like, blow up at me or anything,” Mae began.

“Jackie’s cool,” Gregg interrupted. “She’s really intense.”

Wait. Gregg knew Jackie? Well, Mae thought, everyone in Possum Springs probably knew at least a little bit about Jackie. It was a small town, and she’d been big news.

“I guess,” Mae sighed. “Whatever. Yeah, it was a garbage night.”

“Throw that night in the garbage can, where it lives,” Gregg said.

“I saw a raccoon living in a garbage can once,” a voice said.

Mae nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard it. She knew who it was, of course, but she hadn’t seen him where he was standing. He was partially obscured by one of the Party Barn’s support beams. It didn’t look like he was trying to hide; it was just where he’d chosen to stand.

“Oh, hey, Germ,” Gregg said to their visitor. He didn’t seem as freaked out as Mae.

“Hey,” Germ said, stepping out from behind the pillar. He walked up to the stage, hands in his jacket’s pockets.

Mae frowned. Honestly, if Germ hadn’t saved their lives and given them sodas, she’d have been a little mad at the little weirdo. As it was, she was merely perturbed. Not that Mae new what ‘perturbed’ meant.

The scraping sound of the rear door opening filled the room, and was followed by a pair of voices talking to each other.

“Yeah, he’s coming home in a few weeks, so I’ve gotta visit her.”

“You really should talk to him about that, Angus. You’d think he’d understand.”

Beatrice and Angus stepped into the Birthday Zone. Neither of them was smiling. None of them were smiling. Well, Germ never emoted much, but for the rest of them, it was clear they were all kinda moody.

Gregg, at least, perked up when he saw Angus. “Hey, Cap,” he said. “How was work?”

“Someone came in trying to sell ‘cursed video tapes’,” Angus said.

“Holy shit,” Mae said, amazed. “Where’d they get them? A warlock flea market?”

“Those aren’t a thing, so no.” Angus responded. “And they were just old jazzercise tapes from the 90’s.”

“Jazzercise is a type of curse,” Bea said.

Mae found herself laughing at that, despite feeling down. When she heard her laugh, Bea looked over at her, concerned. It made Mae feel weird. Why the heck did Beatrice have to be such a Mom Friend? Jeez, Bea.

“You feeling any better?” Beatrice asked. “After last night, I mean.”

“Ugh. I guess,” Mae sighed. “I dunno. Like, how am I even supposed to feel? He clearly didn’t recognize me. Which is weird. I mean, you’d think what happened would be pretty memorable. Should I feel good that he didn’t know who I am? Because I don’t.”

“Wait,” Angus said. “Who are we talking about?”

Mae filled Angus in. All about how, the night before, she’d gone to a party, had the world’s worst conversation, didn’t see the world’s hottest Bombshell, and also ran into the kid who she’d put in the hospital.

“Wow,” Angus said. “That sounds like a garbage night, Mae.”

“Hey, that’s what I said!” Gregg exclaimed. His expression got all mushy. “Awww, Cap’n.”

Angus chuckled, but it seemed like he had a lot on his mind, as well. Whatever. Mae could ask when they were done playing. If they actually got around to playing, that is. Lately, band practice had become a support group for death cult survivors.

Only, like, occasionally the support group played a song.

“Alright, chief,” Mae said, turning her attention back to Gregg. “What are we playing?”

Gregg seemed to snap back to reality. The boring version of reality that didn’t involve gushing over his boyfriend. He fidgeted, and soon pulled out an old, worn spiral notebook that he’d been sitting on. Written on the cover, in black magic marker, was ‘CAMG’.

“Holy shit, dude,” Mae said. “Where’d you find that?”

“It was under one of our couch cushions,” Angus explained. “No clue how it got there.”

“I think I stashed it under there once during one of our post-band jam pizza parties,” Gregg said. He passed the old notebook to Mae, who began leafing through its pages.

“What is that thing, anyway?” Bea asked. “What’s it say on the front?”

“Casey, Angus, Mae, Gregg. This is our old songbook,” Gregg said. He was positively beaming, and he probably would have been flailing his arms if he wasn’t sitting down. “From back when we started the band in, like, 11th grade. It’s got all of our old songs in it.”

Mae flipped through the pages, feeling the worn paper between her fingers. Different pages were marked with post-it notes. Originally, they each had tried to use a different colored note for their individual songs, but after the great Post-It Note War, they’d just all started using Angus’s blue ones.

Mae could still remember them trading this book around every few days. It tended to spend most of its time with Gregg or Casey, but Mae had written a few songs herself. She flipped to one of the red post-it notes, and found herself looking at one of her old songs.

She then promptly flipped the page, because it was the song that should not be named. Ever.

The song after hers, however, was one she didn’t recognize. Mae didn’t think they’d ever played this one. It was written in Casey’s scratchy handwriting, lyrics accompanied by simple notes. The song’s title was written up in the header:

‘BORN TO LOSE.’

I don’t know where I’ve come from

Don’t know where I’ll be

I see these folks living their lives

Every night on the TV

Me, I’ve got no life to live

So tell me what you’d see

If I gave it all I’ve got to give

And you said goodbye to me

It took Mae a bit to really wrap her head around this. Casey had never been poetic, but he’d been pretty good at writing lyrics. And these were definitely lyrics from a Casey song. All of Casey’s songs were like this, unless they were about skatboards or monster trucks. But even those songs were kind of downers.

“This is really sad,” Mae mused.

“Yeah, it’s pretty beat up,” Gregg said. “I must’ve sat on it, like, a million times.”

“No, I mean this song,” Mae grumbled. “You sitting on something isn’t sad, Gregg. Your butt isn’t sad.”

Gregg only gave Mae a blank look, but the bassist returned her attention to the song. The more lyrics she read, the more she started to realize something.

“Guys, we have to play this,” she said. “This thing is like a memento from Casey.”

That got Gregg’s attention. “It’s definitely a Casey song,” He said, reading over Mae’s shoulder. “Scratch that. It’s a high school Casey song. He wasn’t that great at music back then.”

Gregg pointed at something written in the margin of the notes. “See? Right here, it says ‘the big solo.’ What’s that even mean? Whose solo?”

“Probably a drum solo,” Angus said. “Casey liked to show off.”

Hearing Casey being talked about in the past tense like that made Mae feel awful. Lately, her dreams had been especially bad. The fire, the stars, the Casey; they were all getting more and more vivid. Almost like it was real.

“Hey, for all you know, I am real.”

“Oh, shut up,” Mae grumbled. She tried to ignore the strange looks her friends gave her.

The band jam had gone pretty smoothly once they’d deciphered Casey’s handwriting. The melody had been simple, but then again, it had been written back when they were just starting out and only knew, like, four notes. On the plus side, it had been pretty hard to screw up.

After they had practiced, everyone was more or less free. They’d all decided to head on out to Taco Buck for dinner afterwards. That was fine with Mae; Taco Buck was delicious, and it was cheap enough that she didn’t feel bad about her friends paying for it.

Germ had tagged along. He hadn’t asked or anything; he’d just sort of followed them. Mae was kind of used to that by now.

“My jacket still smells like barf,” Gregg said as he chowed down on the limited edition pierogi taco.

“It’s hard to clean barf out of a leather jacket,” Angus commented.

“I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but can you not talk about it when I am literally eating?” Bea asked.

“They’re not talking about anything,” Mae said. “They’re crazy liars.” She hurriedly took a bite out of her pizza taco.

“I can’t believe you’d attack our character like this,” Gregg said, raising his hand to his mouth in fake shock.

Angus defensively put his arm around Gregg, as if to protect him from Mae’s words. “This slander shall not stand,” he said, his tone as deadpan as always.

That brought a small round of chuckles out of the assorted friends.

A moment of silence passed before someone finally spoke. When they did, Mae almost wished they hadn’t.

“So, it turns out that moving is kind of really hard,” Gregg said, his mouth full of onions and taco meats.

Mae felt a weight in her stomach. That might have been the pizza taco, though.

“Do you guys, like, have an apartment picked out?” Bea asked. She seemed fine with this sort of talk. Well, Mae thought, Bea was kind of tough. Even if she was sad they were moving, she probably wouldn’t show it.

Mae looked over at Germ to see if he was okay with this talk of moving and Bright Harbor. Germ, as always, seemed unperturbed (Again, a word Mae barely knew). He was busy just shoveling corn chips down his throat. Just, really going at them. Wow.

“We’re heading down there in a couple of weeks to check places out,” Angus said. “Should be fun.”

“I’m totally gonna learn to surf!” Gregg yelled excitedly. “It’s gonna be so cool, guys. God, I can’t believe we’re already so close.”

“Yeah, me either,” Mae muttered. She solemnly took another bite of her pizza taco.

It tasted like sadness and crispy cheese.

After dinner, the gang said their goodbyes, and it was time to head home. As always, the walk home from Taco Buck was a journey of self-discovery and upset stomachs. Mae really needed to stop eating enough food for, like, four people.

Eh. Maybe later.

“It really sucks that I died before I got a chance to eat at the taco place.”

“Oh, god, just shut up,” Mae whispered under her breath. This late, the streets were fairly empty. Even so, Mae didn’t want to risk being heard.

She wasn’t even sure when she’d started hearing Casey when she was awake. It had just happened. He hadn’t even started out as a voice, so much as an idea. And even now, he was just the idea of a voice.

It occurred to Mae that hearing the voice of your dead friend inside of your head probably wasn’t a good sign. Oh, well. She had an appointment with Dr. Feldman in a few days; she’d talk about it then.

“You’re not gonna talk about it. You’re not gonna talk about anything. You’ll clam up.”

“God, you’re not even real,” Mae grumbled. “You’re just, like, stress, or guilt, or whatever. Or maybe I’m going nuts. I was already heading down that road. You know, with all of my brain problems.”

“You should, like, not ever go outside again. You might see Andy again, and then it’d be weird.”

“I am going to drive a drill through my skull and into your imaginary face,” Mae snarled. “I don’t care if you’re real or not. You, face, drill.”

“What?”

Mae froze when she heard the voice. She hadn’t been paying attention, and hadn’t seen Selmers sitting out on her front porch. The older woman was staring at Mae, who did her best to hide her embarrassment.

“You okay, Mae?” Selmers asked. “You were, like, mumbling to yourself.”

Mae sighed. “Yeah. Just… tired. Really, really tired.”

“You say that you’re tired a lot,” Selmers pointed out. “How much sleep are you getting?”

“I dunno. Ten, eleven hours?”

“Oh,” Selmers said. “So, sleep isn’t the main problem, I guess.”

Mae wandered over to Selmers’ front steps and took a seat beside her. Selmers didn’t seem bothered by this. She’d always been laid back and cool, even when Mae was a kid. Almost a big sister, kinda.

“Lately, I can’t stop thinking about all of my screw ups,” Mae said. “Something big happened to me last year, and I kinda thought that it would, like, change the way I look at things. But I guess even if it did, the stuff that’s happened still happened.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” Selmers said. “What kinds of screw ups are you thinking about? I think we all, like, think about our mistakes sometimes.”

“I’m talking about the big screw up,” Mae explained.

“Oh,” Selmers said. She evidently didn’t need to ask any more questions. Even if she hadn’t been there during the softball incident, it was a small town, and news traveled fast.

“You know,” Selmers said, “and I don’t know if this will help, but a buddy of mine from the program said that, in AA, they’ve got a thing called making amends.”

“I don’t think I should join AA. I don’t really drink,” Mae said. “My dad used to go to meetings, and he got, like, a bunch of medals or something. For not doing beer.”

“That’s cool,” Selmers said. “Medals are cool.

“But, anyway, if you feel like you’ve made some serious screw ups, you could try that whole making amends thing. Like, try and make it right with the people you’ve hurt. Or something. I dunno. I’m sleepy.”

The idea was scary. Apologize to people she’d hurt? Aside from Andy, there were lots of people that Mae would need to make amends with.

At the same time, though, the idea sounded really good. Mae had no clue how well it could possibly work out, but at the very least, it would provide some closure. Right?

“Selmers,” Mae said, “you give really good advice.”

“Thanks,” Selmers said. “I’m wise beyond my years.”

That night, in her dreams, Mae visited the fire again.

She had been thinking about the party again, so it made sense. Mae usually tried to not think about the Possum Leap party, but her idea of making amends had gotten her thinking about it.

She couldn’t just start off with apologizing to Andy. The next party wasn’t for, like, a month. Or so Mae assumed.

So, it would make sense to start making amends around town. There were probably a lot of people in Possum Springs that Mae needed to apologize to.

“Like who?” Casey asked. “The pierogi guy? Mr. Penderson?”

Mae scoffed. “No, those guys are jerks. All I did was, like, steal or vandalize those guys. I’m talking about people I actually hurt.”

“Like me, when you threw a softball at my head?”

“No,” Mae said. “You agreed to that. Besides, the Frisbee you threw hurt a lot more than some dumb baseball.”

“Do you think my parents still put up posters?” The Dream Casey asked. “A lot of posters been going up lately.  Those folks in the mine had friends and family.”

“Shut up,” Mae grumbled. She didn’t want to think about this. Not that the Dream Casey was giving her much of an option. “It’s not my fault. Those guys were assholes. I’m not upset that they’re probably dead.”

“People still miss them, though. People don’t know what they did, who they were. We all die cold, alone, and in a hole.” The Dream Casey popped what looked like a marshmallow into his mouth. Mae couldn’t really tell what it had been; everything was blurry today.

“That’s inspiring,” Mae muttered. “You got a lot more cryptic when you became a ghost, you know that?”

“Yeah, I’m, like, spooky, and shit,” Casey said. “Assuming I even am a ghost, that is. You might just be going nuts with your guilt.”

Mae said nothing. Why bother arguing in a dream? What would that possibly accomplish? In every dream Mae had ever happened, everything felt like it wouldn’t change. Events just happened. It was scary.

“You should go steal my boat,” Casey said, “and, you know, live in it. Like a boat hobo.”

Mae frowned. “Casey, I don’t even know what you did with your boat. And I’m not going to live in it; it probably can’t fit a mattress.”

“You’re sleeping on your arm,” Casey argued. “You ate too many tacos and your stomach is upset.”

That was all true, but Mae didn’t think it would make her more likely to live in a boat. “I like it better when you’re being spooky and guilt-trippy.”

“Lumpy pillow!” Casey screamed.

And he was right. The pillow was lumpy.