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5sos--hemmings · 6 years ago

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Hey everyone! I’ve been working on my own story so I thought I would post it here! Hopefully you enjoy it!

Braeden and Jake go to the same high school but hang out with different crowds. Braeden is popular and spoiled while Jake is into skating and doing his own thing. After being forced to hang out, they realize that the other person might not be so bad but do they allow themselves to fall for the other person?

Chapter 1

The final bell of the day rang and soon the high school hallways were crowded with students ready to go home for the weekend. Locker doors were slammed shut as students dropped their books off before racing towards the front doors. It didn't take long before the hallways were quiet, with only a few students remaining.

A tall boy with brown shaggy hair and bright blue eyes, placed his chemistry book in his locker. He grabbed his skateboard from below the shelf before gently closing his locker, ready for the weekend to begin. He had made plans to meet his best friend after class but his friend still hadn't shown up and it had already been fifteen minutes since the final bell rang. He looked down at his phone to make sure he hadn't missed a text.

"Jake!"

Turning around he saw a tall boy with messy blonde hair jogging towards him.

"Sorry! I got caught up after class," he said, coming to a stop next to Jake.

"It's fine," Jake said, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

Mason smiled, oblivious to the fact that Jake was clearly annoyed, as he opened his locker and placed his heavy textbooks inside.

"So listen. Braeden King is throwing a huge party tonight. We should go."

"Why should we go? They hate us," Jake reminded him.

Braeden King was one of the most popular girls in the school. She was gorgeous and all of the boys wanted to be with her. She also part of a completely different circle than Jake and Mason and completely ignored them whenever they were around each other. Jake did his best to avoid her whenever possible.

"Well...I was kinda invited..."

Jake's eyes widened, stunned by the news.

"W-What?! By who?"

"Emily Peerson."

"What? How? Do you even know her?!"

Mason blushed, his blue eyes studying the floor. "I've kinda been talking to her."

As much as Jake wanted to lash out and tell Mason how she would probably hurt him, he stayed silent. Mason hadn't been with anyone since his last girlfriend, Avery. He had taken the break up pretty hard and Jake hated to see his friend upset.

Jake sighed. "Ok. Fine. We can go."

Mason glanced at him, surprise written on his face.

"Thanks dude! The party starts at nine so I'll pick you up then!"

The car horn honked and Jake knew it was Mason. He took one final glance in the mirror at his outfit. Skinny black jeans, black high top Vans, a black t shirt with a red and black plaid shirt overtop and a black beanie on his head, his brown hair sticking out from underneath it. All of the sudden it hit him that he was going to party where he knew exactly one person; and he suspected that that one person would soon be leaving him to hang out with a particular girl.

"Bye Mom! Be home later!" Jake yelled, running down the stairs and closing the front door behind him.

Music blared through the speakers of Mason's beat up car as Jake walked towards it.

"You ready?" Mason asked, when Jake opened the passenger door.

"Yea," Jake answered, sitting down.

As Mason drove towards Braeden's house, he continuously talked about Emily. He filled Jake in everything that had happened between the two of them and how he hoped that soon it could be official.

With each turn the houses seemed to get bigger and bigger. Mason drove as if he knew exactly where he was going and Jake realized that he had probably been here before so he asked, and Mason nodded. "Not to Braeden's but Emily lives in the same development."

They turned right and were immediately met with a gate blocking their way. Mason opened the window and punched in a four digit number into the gate box. The gate swung and Mason eased the car through.

The houses in the community were stunning. They were easily worth millions of dollars and rumor had it celebrities lived here.

"Emily said Braeden is the third house on the left," Mason mumbled to himself.

When the house came into view, Mason slowed the car down and turned into the driveway. In front of them sat the biggest house that Jake had ever seen. He knew rich kids went to their school but he never imagined their houses could look like this.

Mason parked the car next to the fountain and Jake had to stop himself from staring at it. A fountain. In their driveway. If this was the outside what would the inside have?

Mason parked his car next to a Range Rover as Jake closed the door behind him. He glanced around at the expensive cars lining the driveway, with a few of his classmates hanging around.

As they walked past an Escalade with a group of football players talking all quieted down when Mason and Jake walked past.

"I think they're lost," Jake heard one of them say.

"The skate park is at the other end of town," one of them yelled.

As they got closer to the house, Jake could hear music blaring from what he assumed were expensive speakers. Mason opened the front door only to be met with a huge group of people lingering around the foyer.

The foyer was stunning. There were two staircases leading to the second floor and the furniture in the room was probably more expensive than Jakes entire house.

"This house is insane," Mason mumbled.

Jake nodded, taking in the enormous house. Even though each room was filled people, they could all easily fit. He had never been to a party this big before. His house was definitely not this big and neither were his friends. He felt out of place being here. He was used to going to parties but not with the people that were at this one.

"Is Emily's house just as big?" Jake asked.

"Nope. Braeden's house is the biggest in the neighborhood."

"Mason!" a girl's voice called from the other room.

A small blonde haired girl who was wearing a short black dress with red heels was making her way towards the two of them. She wrapped her arms around Mason's neck, pulling him into an embrace giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you guys could make it!" she said, her eyes glancing over at Jake, who smiled uncomfortably.

"Me too!" Mason said. "This is Jake, Jake this is Emily."

Surprising Jake, Emily pulled him into a hug. "I've heard a lot about you!" she said.

Jake laughed, not sure what to say but Emily had other plans.

"You guys play beer pong?" she asked.

"He's the king of beer pong," Mason answered, pointing over at Jake.

"Awesome! It's me and Braeden against the two of you!" Emily said.

A girl with long wavy brown hair stepped in front of the other end of the table, her eyes locked on Emily. It was clear she did not approve of Jake and Mason being at her party. Emily gave Mason three ping pong balls and stood next to Braeden. Jake looked at the cups and noted that they were only half full of beer.

"You first," Mason said, handing Jake the balls.

Jake nodded and threw the first ball. It easily landed in a red cup and without hesitation Braeden drank it. She placed it onto the table next to her and waited for Jake's next toss. The next one missed and Braeden gave him a smirk. The last ball landed in effortlessly in a cup allowing Braeden to drink it again.

Emily handed Braeden the first ball and she threw into the cup closest to Jake. He picked it up and drank the beer, his eyes locked on Braeden's. The next two balls each landed in a cup, making the girls up by one.

The next few rounds went a little less smoother than the first. Emily and Mason had somehow managed to wiggle their way out of the game but Jake and Braeden barely even noticed. By now, there was a crowd gathered around the table. If Jake was trying to lay low before now that was out of the question. Half of the people in room were cheering for him while the other half was cheering for Braeden.

There was only one cup left on each side. Jake tossed the balls towards the cup missing each time. Braeden threw the ball and it landed in Jake's cup. He picked it up and took the final drink while the room cheered for Braeden.

She jumped up and down, arms waving, the beer obviously taking over. She gave him one last look before turning and leaving the room.

"Good try man," a football player said, giving Jake a slap on the back.

Jake smiled before turning to leave the room. For the next two hours, he wandered around from room to room, talking with a few people sipping on water, trying to get sober. Knowing Mason, he was probably drunk and would not be able to drive home. If this was any other time, the roles would be reversed but Jake owed Mason, big time.

There were glass doors leading to the backyard from the kitchen and Jake stepped outside into the cool night air.

The back of the house was just as impressive as the front. The large pool was full of his classmates swimming around and diving off the diving board. There was also a hot tub that was full of people who looked as if they may not have had their clothes on. Empty beer cans and red solo cups were scattered around the yard, long ago abandoned.

"Well look who it is! The person who almost beat me at beer pong!" a girl slurred behind him.

Jake laughed, turning around to face her. "I'll beat you next time."

Braeden rolled her green eyes and flipped her long hair over her shoulder. Her legs wobbled as she walked over to the cooler. Slowly she reached in and grabbed another beer.

"Are you sure you should be having another one?" Jake asked.

"I can have as many as I want," Braeden stated before turning around and walking away.

The rest of the night passed with very few events. Jake hung out outside by the pool, occasionally talking to whatever drunk person felt like sitting next to him. He knew that none of them would probably remember talking to him but that was fine with him. He learned some interesting information about his fellow classmates, some of it things he wouldn't dare telling anyone.

"Is this seat taken?" a blonde asked, motioning to the empty couch cushion next to Jake.

"Nope."

The blonde sat down and looked over at Jake. "I've never seen you around before. Are you new?"

"I go to school with Braeden. We're not exactly in the same crowd though. How do you know her?"

She nodded. "We went to middle school together but I moved away a few years ago. I live about an hour away but we still hang out all the time."

Jake nodded, realizing he hadn't introduced himself yet. "I'm Jake, by the way."

"Ari," she replied, scooting closer to Jake.

"You're cute," she stated, her brown eyes moving over his body.

"Um thanks?"

Her bare thigh brushed against his leg while her hand moved over his, playing with his fingers. Slowly she inched it towards her bare thigh before moving it along her leg. Her hand moved to his thigh, squeezing it gently. She looked over at him, her blue eyes lingering on his lips. Leaning down, he placed his lips against her's, moving them with hers. Expertly she swung her leg over him, straddling his waist.

His hands moved along her body, while her tongue slipped inside his mouth, tangling with his. She tasted like beer but he was sure he tasted the same. His hands moved along her curves taking in every inch of her.

Ari pulled away and rested her forehead against Jakes. "Want to go somewhere more quiet?" she whispered.

Jake nodded and she stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the house.

The kitchen was quiet when they walked inside. In the corner of the room was a staircase and they headed upstairs. Ari seemed to know where she was going so Jake decided to let her lead. He had a feeling she had done this plenty of times before.

They passed three closed doors before stopping in front of a fourth. Ari opened it and glanced in before pulling Jake in behind and turning the lock on the door.

~~~

"That was fun. You should come to more of Braeden's party," Ari said, pulling on her jean shorts.

"Yea," Jake mumbled.

He slipped on his black skinny jeans and sat on the edge of the bed to put his shoes on. Ari gave him a final kiss on the lips before leaving the room.

"Until next time," she whispered.

With one last look in the mirror, Jake slipped out of the room and into the hallway. He patted down his hair before placing his beanie back on to make sure it wasn't too obvious what had just happened.

The hallway was still quiet and Jake went down the main staircase that led to the foyer.

"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!" Mason said, sitting on the first step.

"Are you ready to go?" Jake asked, sitting down besides him.

Mason nodded twice before clutching his head.

"Dude, I'm seeing double."

Jake let out a laugh and stood up, holding his hand out for Mason. Mason grabbed it and let Jake pull him up, wobbling before standing still.

"Do you want to say goodbye to Emily?" Jake questioned.

"Yea."

Jake spotted Emily in the foyer and walked over to her.

"We're leaving. Thanks for inviting us," he said, running his fingers through his hair.

"You're welcome. I hope you had fun," she said.

She reached over and pulled Jake into a hug before giving Mason one.

"See you at school, Monday!" she called behind them.

Jake gave her a final wave before pushing Mason out the door. If he didn't make Mason leave now, he would probably never go.

Mason handed him the keys and Jake drove the few miles back to his house. The lights in the house were off which were a good sign. Jake didn't want his parents to see Mason drunk or else there would be a long lecture for the both of them. He helped Mason into the house and up the stairs and led him to his room.

Mason laid down on the bed and gratefully took the water bottle that Jake offered him.

#romance #fiction #teen #teen romance #short story #story

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peterparker-spid3erman · 7 years ago

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Unexpectedly

Authors note: Hey everyone! I’ve been working on my own story for a while and am finally now putting it out there. Hope you enjoy! ❤️Lexi

Summary: Jake and Braedon go to the same high school but hang out with different crowds. When their paths begin to cross, they soon realize that they might be falling for each other.

Chapter 1

The final bell of the day rang and soon the high school hallways were crowded with students ready to go home for the weekend. Locker doors were slammed shut as students dropped their books off before racing towards the front doors. It didn’t take long before the hallways were quiet, with only a few students remaining.

A tall boy with brown shaggy hair and bright blue eyes, placed his chemistry book in his locker. He grabbed his skateboard from below the shelf before gently closing his locker, ready for the weekend to begin. He had made plans to meet his best friend after class but his friend still hadn’t shown up and it had already been fifteen minutes since the final bell rang. He looked down at his phone to make sure he hadn’t missed a text.

“Jake!”

Turning around he saw a tall boy with messy blonde hair jogging towards him.

“Sorry! I got caught up after class,” he said, coming to a stop next to Jake.

“It’s fine,” Jake said, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

Mason smiled, oblivious to the fact that Jake was clearly annoyed, as he opened his locker and placed his heavy textbooks inside.

“So listen. Braeden King is throwing a huge party tonight. We should go.”

“Why should we go? They hate us,” Jake reminded him.

“Well...I was kinda invited…”

Jake’s eyes widened, stunned by the news.

“W-What?! By who?”

“Emily Peerson.”

“What? How? Do you even know her?!”

Mason blushed, his blue eyes studying the floor. “I’ve kinda been talking to her.”

Jake sighed. “Ok. Fine. We can go.”

Mason glanced at him, surprise written on his face.

“Thanks dude! The party starts at nine so I’ll pick you up then!”

“Bye Mom! Be home later!” Jake yelled, running down the stairs and closing the front door behind him.

Music blared through the speakers of Mason’s beat up car as Jake walked towards it.

“You ready?” Mason asked, when Jake opened the passenger door.

“Yea,” Jake answered, sitting down.

As Mason drove towards Braeden’s house, he continuously talked about Emily. He filled Jake in everything that had happened between the two of them and how he hoped that soon it could be official.

With each turn the houses seemed to get bigger and bigger. Mason drove as if he knew exactly where he was going and Jake realized that he had probably been here before so he asked, and Mason nodded. “Not to Braeden’s but Emily lives in the same development.”

The houses in the community were stunning. They were easily worth millions of dollars and rumor had it celebrities lived here.

“Emily said Braeden is the third house on the left,” Mason mumbled to himself.

Mason parked the car next to the fountain and Jake had to stop himself from staring at it. A fountain. In their driveway. If this was the outside what would the inside have?

Mason parked his car next to a Range Rover as Jake closed the door behind him. He glanced around at the expensive cars lining the driveway, with a few of his classmates hanging around.

As they walked past an Escalade with a group of football players talking all quieted down when Mason and Jake walked past.

“I think they’re lost,” Jake heard one of them say.

“The skate park is at the other end of town,” one of them yelled.

The foyer was stunning. There were two staircases leading to the second floor and the furniture in the room was probably more expensive than Jakes entire house.

“This house is insane,” Mason mumbled.

“Is Emily’s house just as big?” Jake asked.

“Nope. Braeden’s house is the biggest in the neighborhood.”

“Mason!” a girl's voice called from the other room.

A small blonde haired girl who was wearing a short black dress with red heels was making her way towards the two of them. She wrapped her arms around Mason’s neck, pulling him into an embrace giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m so glad you guys could make it!” she said, her eyes glancing over at Jake, who smiled uncomfortably.

“Me too!” Mason said. “This is Jake, Jake this is Emily.”

Surprising Jake, Emily pulled him into a hug. “I’ve heard a lot about you!” she said.

Jake laughed, not sure what to say but Emily had other plans.

“You guys play beer pong?” she asked.

“He’s the king of beer pong,” Mason answered, pointing over at Jake.

“Awesome! It’s me and Braeden against the two of you!” Emily said.

“You first,” Mason said, handing Jake the balls.

Jake nodded and threw the first ball. It easily landed in a red cup and without hesitation Braeden drank it. She placed it onto the table next to her and waited for Jake’s next toss. The next one missed and Braeden gave him a smirk. The last ball landed in effortlessly in a cup allowing Braeden to drink it again.

Emily handed Braeden the first ball and she threw into the cup closest to Jake. He picked it up and drank the beer, his eyes locked on Braeden’s. The next two balls each landed in a cup, making the girls up by one.

There was only one cup left on each side. Jake tossed the balls towards the cup missing each time. Braeden threw the ball and it landed in Jake’s cup. He picked it up and took the final drink while the room cheered for Braeden.

She jumped up and down, arms waving, the beer obviously taking over. She gave him one last look before turning and leaving the room.

“Good try man,” a football player said, giving Jake a slap on the back.

There were glass doors leading to the backyard from the kitchen and Jake stepped outside into the cool night air.

“Well look who it is! The person who almost beat me at beer pong!” a girl slurred behind him.

Jake laughed, turning around to face her. “I’ll beat you next time.”

Braeden rolled her green eyes and flipped her long hair over her shoulder. Her legs wobbled as she walked over to the cooler. Slowly she reached in and grabbed another beer.

“Are you sure you should be having another one?” Jake asked.

“I can have as many as I want,” Braeden stated before turning around and walking away.

“Is this seat taken?” a blonde asked, motioning to the empty couch cushion next to Jake.

“Nope.”

The blonde sat down and looked over at Jake. “I’ve never seen you around before. Are you new?”

“I go to school with Braeden. We’re not exactly in the same crowd though. How do you know her?”

She nodded. “We went to middle school together but I moved away a few years ago. I live about an hour away but we still hang out all the time.”

Jake nodded, realizing he hadn’t introduced himself yet. “I’m Jake, by the way.”

“Ari,” she replied, scooting closer to Jake.

“You’re cute,” she stated, her brown eyes moving over his body.

“Um thanks?”

Her bare thigh brushed against his leg while her hand moved over his, playing with his fingers. Slowly she inched it towards her bare thigh before moving it along her leg. Her hand moved to his thigh, squeezing it gently. She looked over at him, her blue eyes lingering on his lips. Leaning down, he placed his lips against her’s, moving them with hers. Expertly she swung her leg over him, straddling his waist.

Ari pulled away and rested her forehead against Jakes. “Want to go somewhere more quiet?” she whispered.

Jake nodded and she stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the house.

They passed three closed doors before stopping in front of a fourth. Ari opened it and glanced in before pulling Jake in behind and turning the lock on the door.

~~~

“That was fun. You should come to more of Braeden’s party,” Ari said, pulling on her jean shorts.

“Yea,” Jake mumbled.

He slipped on his black skinny jeans and sat on the edge of the bed to put his shoes on. Ari gave him a final kiss on the lips before leaving the room.

“Until next time,” she whispered.

With one last look in the mirror, Jake slipped out of the room and into the hallway. He patted down his hair before placing his beanie back on to make sure it wasn’t too obvious what had just happened.

The hallway was still quiet and Jake went down the main staircase that led to the foyer.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Mason said, sitting on the first step.

“Are you ready to go?” Jake asked, sitting down besides him.

Mason nodded twice before clutching his head.

“Dude, I’m seeing double.”

Jake let out a laugh and stood up, holding his hand out for Mason. Mason grabbed it and let Jake pull him up, wobbling before standing still.

“Do you want to say goodbye to Emily?” Jake questioned.

“Yea.”

Jake spotted Emily in the foyer and walked over to her.

“We’re leaving. Thanks for inviting us,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“You’re welcome. I hope you had fun,” she said.

She reached over and pulled Jake into a hug before giving Mason one.

“See you at school, Monday!” she called behind them.

Jake gave her a final wave before pushing Mason out the door. If he didn’t make Mason leave now, he would probably never go.

Mason handed him the keys and Jake drove the few miles back to his house. The lights in the house were off which were a good sign. Jake didn’t want his parents to see Mason drunk or else there would be a long lecture for the both of them. He helped Mason into the house and up the stairs and led him to his room.

Mason laid down on the bed and gratefully took the water bottle that Jake offered him.

#writing #lit #fiction #teen #romance #high school #own writing

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grizzlefur · 7 years ago

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WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO

Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017

Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)

and we're starting with a moment of silence

christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode

fun and jokes on my blog today

oh, and a sombre text crawl

great

someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin

i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight

oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight

woooo

and cena/strowman, which should be fun

but for now, here comes the opposite of fun

in the form of roman reigns

oh, and apparently he's fighting jason

good way to get jj over as a face, i guess

he enters, the crowd goes tepid

recap of cena/jordan from last week

that was a good match

and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match

so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is

if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight

oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match

preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh

and getting punched in his smug face

booker is getting very excited about roman

well, i guess someone has to

roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face

pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied

truly, a man of the people

that's what we all look like when roman's winning things

okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet

but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good

corey claims jj is "driven by failure"

truly, the next great renewable energy source

booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ

jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall

then crossface for a near finish

booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"

you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE

roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin

pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed

tense faceoff

roman gives jj the handshake

that'll do, pig

pan out again, and now charly is there

asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself

after this total bellas ad

he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand

(wait, are they marrried yet?)

cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time

forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead

clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio

cena appreciates that

thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring

throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense

asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long

roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career

cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself

calls him a one-man human centipede

keep it pg, john

cena challenges himself every day to try everything

take that as you will

cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available

not inaccurate

roman calls him a bitch

devastating comeback

roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales

paul heyman's like um

disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy

cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me

crowd goes oooooooooooh

even roman smirks

and swagger off

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after this advert for lesnar/strowman

(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)

and another one for cute kids with cancer

(and the prevention of such things)

and now that's all done with, here's sasha

in an even nicer jacket than usual

fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time

siiiiiigh

i mean, i hate her new music, but still

oh, and alexa's materialised on announce

and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear

first the music, then the space cop gear

where will it end

oh hey, here comes nia

who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress

cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too

like oh hey guys don't mind me

oh, there's still a match happening

who knew

wow, this is tepid as fuck

like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull

and bank statement from nowhere for the tap

so yeah, that happened

still optimistic for the four-way, though

and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka

but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage

(and feeling just fine)

(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)

apparently show got injured

so, yknow, swings and roundabouts

(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)

brock up next

greeeeeeat

after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity

oh wait, shane got suspended

so i guess the number stays the same

just been shot with a mad science aging ray

anyway, yeah, brock is here

which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons

(mcmahoths?)

paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives

paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world

possibly untrue

confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays

paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it

paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that

paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics

and here he comes

brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face

then lands one, braun just stands up like nope

and chokeslams him

this is the shit i do like

and then running powerslam

fuck you, mr lesnar

picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft

then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks

and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt

apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo

what did we do to deserve this

but up next, bray does a thing

after cole tells us about the hurricanes

the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment

by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth

and now here comes goldust

you're not bray

although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos

ah, here's bray

doing a sermon over the tron first

continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint

bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34

booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships

no shit, dude

did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something

bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk

did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though

bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd

proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN

no shit

that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes

finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away

bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing

but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro

and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together

it's not really possible

apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy

seems excessive

but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next

after this advert for the myc final

(it was great, thanks for asking)

seth and dean are on announce

dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition

cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors

dean teaches seth how to use binoculars

and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense

and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them

and then getting in a fight

and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl

gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off

security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match

but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero

and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had

cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight

kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers

crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants

dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman

kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people

dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO

(possible paraphrase)

they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner

oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka

confirmed for raw

but then, we all knew that was coming

pan out to nia watching it like pah

alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people

does a spot-on emma impression

calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no

alexa claims all their troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions

nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week

walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT

up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions

i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG

has he ever reused material

well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder

crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city

(which turns out to be anaheim)

have they ever watched his segments before

oh, and here's kalisto

one day, elias will finish a song

i have faith

cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre

the man is his own style

i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan

wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?

that'd be great

anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin

speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs

but up next, jaun strowna

after another ad for smackown

and here's john again

he's found his towel again

leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning

so fair enough

cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up

roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever

stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit

wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?

is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down

pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason

braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great

frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it

the crowd agree

i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit

i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still

braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns

they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air

i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm

these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz

cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster

cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring

and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq

wait, they're not treating this like it's over

are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them

i understand nothing

and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here

wait

they're playing his music

are they playing that as the medics called it off?

i have no fucking clue

charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely

give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher

but up next, miztv with enzo

sighhhhhhh

after this ad for total bellas

(also sigh)

and one for the myc final

(non-sigh)

but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team

seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not

and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?

and decide against it

and then the hardyz

there we go

matt's being even more obviously broken than usual

and here are team miz

maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of

bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet

ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement

maryse is pregnant

and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments

so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting

starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro

what a bellend

dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual

claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse

miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects

i love angry miz

just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you

wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing

see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand

enzo responds by shouting at him about realness

yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do

promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too

miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child

yknow, as you do

cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen

miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once

must be unfamiliar territory for him

miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron

and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope

gets inevitably crotched

enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him

dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care

but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected

ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices

runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off

seth and dean do solo intros this time

they really need to get some kind of joint intro

what would that sound like

who could say

although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers

matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING

i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother

if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is

enjoyable though

cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway

dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat

seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down

including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside

matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson

sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade

i say 'we'

but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps

(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)

so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger

fuuuuuuuuuck

daniel, queue something else instead

okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36

yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free

well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy

this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times

wow, this is a long recap

previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)

so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while

and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air

anyway, here's kevin

and i had forgotten how good this announce team was

kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back

so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"

pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit

and cancel the fashion files

right, officially irredeemable now

calls vince out so he can talk business

foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?

doing shane's entrance

sure, why not

kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane

lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it

and off he goes

kevin starts announcing more grand plans

and here's the other man who might have something to say about that

bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist

kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show

bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight

sighhhhh

sort it out, dude

ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince

kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-

so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title

and that last one is apparently up next

after this ad for cena/roman

which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself

and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season

but back to the wrestles, here's aj

and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing

here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly

bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING

but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle

baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face

tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker

aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap

good match

like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours

tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around

and here comes baron to ruin everything

throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor

before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him

someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'

and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands

apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure

so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back

or poorly-thought-out words to that effect

but up next, jinder does a thing

after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is

here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week

and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig

match graphic for hiac revealed

hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK

surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there

big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly

jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head

a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them

aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke

wow

way to aim high

the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny

oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff

nobody's noticed that

oh, and there's a racist stereotype

people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans

promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists

(while being racist)

transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence

cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner

including a limo for his buddy jimmy

oh hey, here's sami

this won't be awkward

kevin doesn't even try not to gloat

sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you

up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike

(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)

but first, cute kids with cancer again

and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual

(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)

in any case, here are the new day

only kofi and e have made it to the ring

reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp

oh, ok

they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage

seems fair

roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam

new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table

they know how to do their job, who knew

cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason

recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on

oh look, e kicked one of them into it

that was quick

and then jimmy kicks it into e's face

nice spot

kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron

and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick

both commence to beating on big e with it

kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick

beats jimmy with it until it explodes

splinters for everyone

okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate

basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs

kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him

and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night

this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey

jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin

jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall and then e takes a double superkick anyway

set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table

and midnight hour for the pin

much tromboning and joviality

shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage

graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english

shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was

oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight

oh right, we're in the women's match now

no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros

naomi's got cool new gear though

and carmella's on announce

with ellsworth on a leash

because of course

all bullshit aside, this is a good match

p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see

-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-

naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase

aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth

and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap

so yeah, the outcome i expected

so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing

kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show

he freestyles something, kevin is pleased

really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring

more like perestroiKO

and now here's dolph

with his own entrance for once

claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history

wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?

has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley

gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy

has another rant, walks off again

and now he's the ultimate warrior

this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people

has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?

"So this is what it's come to"

dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago

how is this new

has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares

throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK

somewhat ruined the moment, tbh

who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler

back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros

to be fed to alpha 2.0

now in beta

shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics

counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin

nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were

learn to tag, guys

mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off

i smell plot

but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits

daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets

guess that answers that question

so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring

and here comes vince

ain't nobody got swag this floppy

and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit

(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)

kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him

a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies

or possibly that's vince's voice

hard to tell sometimes

oh, again with the body-negative cracks

and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards

i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage

vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws

just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket

vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second

also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day

apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin

the fuck, vince

this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for

vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly

like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable

vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon

so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere

and this is why we consider contract wording, children

ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach

and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days

vince gets up, eats a superkick

kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash

that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him

it doesn't work

kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him

and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me

so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?

sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself

(it might be scott armstrong?)

(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)

right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate

expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday

and expect a decent outro...definitely later

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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