#the reason i prefer mobile games is bc if i cant see my hands i will hit every wrong button possible

[wispion]

wow. i am so shit at this game

[cielospeaks]

idk its just. frustrating.

i cant decide why they treated me like this

was it because i dont play games and they thought i was a weirdo freak for it? i dont have a lot of time, and i dont like to half ass things, so when i do play (non mobile) games i usually either love them so much i devote myself to learning all the best ways to play them or get tired of them early and just stop playing. and with every game being at least 30 dollars i prefer to not buy ones ill lose interest in. watching on the other hand is much better for me, i can enjoy the nearly full aspects of it and do so in a way that relaxes me, which cuts down on money and time spent on it. with that game i also gained a lot of enjoyment from reading the manga of it. but that made me an outcast to them, an object of ridicule. my experiences werent valid, werent important, werent worth even acknowledgement because of it. its as if i didnt exist to them

was it bc i didnt feel romantic towards any of the characters in it or want to insert myself in with them? theres more damn ways of caring about someone than getting right in the thick of things. i prefer to watch from the sides, especially when someone already has a loving mutual healthy connection with others. sure id happily be their friend/acquaintance/every so often fun to hang out with person, but i dont need more. i think maybe if i fell for someone who did have that healthy network it might be different (heck id say my go boys are close- they do have friends/lovers who arent like... nasty to them and with time and understanding could be those healthy relationships, but even those are really strained for big reasons) but falling for someone for me, at least in that way, is really rare. i guess just like i cant relate to them picking up and dumping people in hardcore romantic/sexual relationships every week or so they cant relate to me seeing no need for such things.

i guess at the core of it was we really could not relate to each other at all. but the way we handled it was different. i would always try to see the good in what they did- (yeah, you go! im happy youre happy!) and they just would kinda ridicule and baby me for how i thought. maybe the hated my reactions- they wanted people to act abrasive anyways. i know i hated them treating me like an “uwu soft bean sweet babbu who cant feel any bad thing ever uwu”. i just dont think its in good tact to openly bash someones beloved person, even if that person makes my skin crawl. it just didnt work out. i cant stand them, and they obviously had no use for me.

why am i still mad abt this whereas im not abt the c/l people? its arguable that they fked me up just as bad, if not worse. i think part of it is bc c/l was such a precious thing to me, it went so far beyond just this temporary chatting thing. its what made me find purpose in my future again, and opened my eyes to things i had forgotten how to enjoy for so long. they may have warped my conscious thought of how i thought i enjoyed it, but they were only forwarding a conscious thought that had been pressed on me for years prior. and more than that they couldnt change how i truly, unconsciously enjoyed it.

i guess this on the other hand. i opened up about things id been a loner on for years prior. i opened up about the first time i really started to have these romantic(?) feelings. sure, maybe i shouldnt have trusted them so much. but that doesnt change that they trampled on those feelings. they strung me along, had me compromise time and time again to their whims. played like they were the only ones who understood me. constantly guilted me with “i consider you my very best trusted friend uwu” junk to keep me at their sides, until the moment i became useless. i didnt just buy their lies, i bought others’ lies. i was guilted “i didnt want to live anymore until talking with you uwu”. they took something that had left me injured and ripped it open and wormed their damn selves in that open wound. maybe i should have told them at the start why i cared about that. i thought i did. but i didnt want that to skew them. i didnt want to guilt them the way they ended up guilting me. but to them, they never would see it as guilting.

i guess like w c/l at the end it doesnt change my feelings. i care about those series. i love sal and the others with all my heart. i followed my own path, and maybe i walked a little closer to them for a while, but every step was my own, even through their shit.