#the read-more is for the benefit of society this is probably the longest post i've ever made on this blog

[venusiancarbondioxide]

some notes on fun

this is perhaps one of the more stupid things i've ever written in my life, but i feel like it might be important to make some notes on having fun because god forbid, another human being may run into these issues, and i'd like to give them a hand. in fact, i suspect most of them have, but i'm running into them later than most. i'm 25 years old and trying to figure out the concept of having fun in a way that i'm sure most people have figured out by age 10. but hey, better late than never, right?

some background: for most of my life, i've been an achievement-focused planner, all the way back to elementary school. i was the type of kid who would get a 93% on a test and then get mad at myself because i could've gotten a 100%. i really cared about doing well on standardized testing as a third grader. it was essential to me that i do well in those early school years so that i would get into the right classes in high school, and thus get into the right college and complete the right program to have a Good Career That Makes Me Happy, the kind of career where it's more of a thing that you are versus a job that you have. i was convinced that having the right career as a grown-up made you a happy person, and nobody in my life took any efforts to dissuade me of this notion. 

there were stumbles (thinking i wanted to be a professional novelist, that flopping because of the prospects of writers in the modern day, wanting be a lawyer, that flopping bc of my waning faith in the justice system, my brief forays into considering grad school, etc.), but even when i didn't have a plan, i was always Making A Plan. and having fun was allowed. i did things that were fun along the way! i was in girl scouts and irish tap and marching band and had a small group of friends and all of that. but the most important thing was always sticking to the plan. in my defense, there is a lot of societal messaging that says that this kind of career-and-education-focused life is the path to happiness and i was only a kid, so i don't blame myself for getting stuck in that trap. if you believe in astrology, blame it on the fact that my sun's in virgo, i guess. however, i owe it to myself to try and get out of it, especially now that i'm at a point in my life where all plans are gone.

like, really. i have no long-term plan for what the hell i’m doing. my last two "this is where i'm going with my life from now on" plans went up in smoke, most recently another attempt to go back to school. and i was in the process of trying to make another plan, my third "this is where my life is going for sure" plan in two years, when i realized i straight up don’t know what i want to do. i don’t know of anything that sounds enjoyable to me, honest-to-god. and i finally thought to myself, “what if i just have fun? what if my plan is to just have fun?” 

within reason, of course: i’m not going to quit my job with no backup plan just because my job isn’t fun. going to work is a bummer, but you know what’s worse? being evicted. i pick the least-evil of the two unfun evils. but really, what if my only plan was just to have fun? 

i threw that thought at my therapist thinking that she would say something like "having fun is important but it shouldn't be the main thing you focus on in your life" but she was like "yeah no, i think you should just try to have fun for a bit. i think you've been so focused on plans that you're not even sure what you think is fun anymore."

which, ouch, but she's not wrong. ii would not use the word "fun" to describe my current life, nor would i have used "fun" at any point in my life. fun was a thing you had on occasion when you had behaved well and earned it, not a thing your life could be.

but i want my life to be fun! so far, it hasn't, and i think that sucks. what’s the point of being alive if i’m not having fun? and the reasons i’m banned from trying to kill myself are too long to list, so i might as well try to enjoy my life. i am actively attempting fun and imparting the first lesson of fun i learned onto the uhhhhhh three people that have read all of this so far. 

if you have too much fun, it circles back around to not being fun anymore.

as a person who's had alcohol before in their life, you think i might have already known that one. to some extent, i did. too much drinking results in a hangover, too much fun running around the city makes your feet hurt, etc. a physical body has its limits. i have more than one chronic illness—i know that! but it also emotionally makes you feel like shit, which i didn't know. i was familiar with post-fun fatigue, but it was either a) physical exhaustion but mental satisfaction or b) a situation where something had gone wrong in the fun-having process. but now i have Learned. 

the way i learned this was exceedingly simple: i played stardew valley for 11 hours out of a 24-hour period. 

at the beginning of active fun-seeking (literally like, last week), i rediscovered the joy of stardew valley. i’ve always had fun playing stardew valley! so i played some after work when i would normally doomscroll and hey, much better. much more enjoyable. Having Fun, having a more fun day because i am actively taking time to do a thing i think is fun. but then i had a bad day at work on friday, came home, and played stardew valley for about five hours straight. i only realized how much time had passed once my ass physically started to hurt from sitting in the same spot for so long. and it was already close to midnight, so i had a late dinner and went to bed. 

the next day, i woke up at 7:30am and was annoyed that i had woken up so early, so i decided to play some more stardew valley about it. i stopped six hours later. i skipped breakfast and lunch in this process. my eyes were burning like a motherfucker. my ass hurt again, not to mention my wrist. i had a headache so bad that i had to take a four-hour nap (this was also partially due to the weather—my head always hurts when it rains). and emotionally? i felt somewhere between entirely empty and vaguely ashamed. nothing at all like my little post-work stardew sessions. i was so focused on the fun of the game that i had neglected food, consistent water intake, and basic cleanliness (i forwent a shower), and surprise, surprise, it turns out that makes you feel emotionally kind of shitty. getting that wrapped up in the fun circles back around to not being fun anymore. 

i assume all activities have a similar wall. the fun has to stop for basic things like food, water, showering, that pile of laundry i have to do, the dishes, all of that. doing a fun activity when you’re parched from not drinking any water for six hours and you have the dry mouth disease actually isn’t that fun. the same goes for if your hair feels slimy and your wrist kind of hurts and really any of that kind of discomfort. stop what you’re doing, do the minimum self-care stuff, and then you can go back to having fun if you want. 

so now i have a stardew valley limit: no more than three in-game days in a row, and i’m experimenting with no more than five in-game days per regular day total. that would be a little over an hour of stardew valley per day, which is around what my post-work stardew sessions were anyways. it turns out that a small part of me had it right from the start; good for her! hopefully i’ll get lucky and her accidental wisdom will strike again. 

[snarky-wallflower]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

@amethystunarmed tagged me for this!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I've currently got 25 works on there.

2. What’s your total word count?

161, 391! which...wow, that number hits me every time I look at it. I can’t believe I’ve written a whole novel’s length of fanfic this year.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Hatchetfield and Deltarune, but especially Hatchetfield. The silly little horror-comedy musicals (especially the LiB and Paul) have grabbed me and won’t let go. To the detriment of my WIPs in other fandoms. Oh, and I’ve also written a decent amount of fic for Spiderverse and Dracula! (Our good friend Jonathan Harker, after all.)

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

pas de masque - a pre-canon Spiderverse fic focusing on Gwen's terrible experiences in the Spider-Society, and just what it's like to learn you're doomed in every other universe, and that no one will let you stop it.

The Show Must Go On - a fun little theatre AU for Deltarune, where Susie's been arrested, and the only way for her to not be arrested is to join a club. She chooses theatre, which Noelle is coincidentally the director of. Romance, friendship, and theatre chaos ensues. (also, I LOVE writing Kris in this fic.) It's the fic I've been working on the longest.

what is a god? - my exploration of the Lords in Black, and how they think and treat Hatchetfield and their puppets, written at 12 am after finishing Nerdy Prudes Must Die. Despite that, I’m still pretty proud of it!

used to think about you (everywhere i go) - a post-canon Nimona (movie-verse) fic, in which Nimona gets to work out her complex feelings about Gloreth by standing at her grave. Sometimes therapy is yelling at your ex-bestie's grave, more at 11.

one hell of a normal abnormality - a fic where I wrote Pete actually seeming to care that Ruth and Richie weren't there at Homecoming, with a decent exploration of grief and feeling guilty. Also, I think I was the first one to use the green-hair-after-being-touched-by-Wiggly headcanon.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, of course! I love comments - you read my whole chapter/fic, and you liked it enough to post your reaction! Amazing, I love you, I would literally die for some commentors.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh, this is hard. Most of the fic I write is angst, so tough to pick. I'd say the real competition is between life underground (it's over now) and always be my favourite ghost. But if I had to choose, it would be the first one, because that ends with Chara literally ripping up their adoption certificate, and thinking they’ll never be a part of the Dreemurr family. And we all know what happens next. :(

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, this one’s pretty easy. like real people do. It’s a short, canon divergent one shot I wrote for a podcast, Monstrous Agonies that I was super into - even submitted a couple of letters to the podcast I was pretty proud of. It ends with the characters sort-of rekindling their relationship, after accidentally broadcasting them kissing through the radio. It actually managed to predict a decent amount of the actual finale, too!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully, I haven't gotten any yet. Hoping that that streak continues.

9. Do you write smut?

Ha! No. And it's probably not going to happen for a long time, if ever. I'm apparently a bit of a nerdy prude myself. I have written at least one fic that's only plot was two characters kissing, though.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven’t yet! Maybe someday.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Also, no. Benefits of being a smaller fic writer, I guess.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! But if that ever happens to me, I'm gonna scream

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! I was thinking of co-writing a Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes fic with a friend in real life, though. It was a really good movie, but I haven't made a lot of progress on it.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

You know, I'm really not sure? I mostly read gen fic, but for shipping? I'd have to say probably Noelle/Susie, or Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins? It really depends on the day - I'll read a lot of ships.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

None so far! My WIPs currently are probably going to take a long time, but I plan to finish all of them. Outlines may be bad, but I am determined!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm really good at internal monologues. And along with that, characterization! I get a lot of really sweet comments about it, and I do like writing character-focused pieces! Which is kind of ironic, given that worrying about writing characters wrong was a pretty big reason I didn’t start writing again until this year.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. Oh my god, every time I try to write snappy dialogue, I have new appreciation for comedians and dialogue-heavy writers. Those people are so talented. Sometimes I act out dialogue I’ve written and I want to throw myself into the sun.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Look. I took French for five years. But every time I try to speak French, one of my best friends looks like she wants to fight me. I am not great at languages other than English. I am positive that if I tried to write dialogue by myself, I would just resort to DeepL, or Google Translate, and nobody wants that. If I have to write in another language, I'm going to try and get a translator.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Are we counting works posted to ao3, or first fic ever? Because the first fic I ever posted to ao3 was for a podcast, Spirit Box Radio, that I should really relisten to at some point. But my first fandom I ever wrote for was Gravity Falls - the fic's still posted to Quotev, and I have reread it recently. It was a next-generation fic.

...At least younger me was having fun?

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

How dare you ask me to pick? But seriously, probably pas de masque. I know it's cliche to say my most kudos'd fic, but I am super proud of my characterization of Gwen there, and getting to play with pre-canon Spider-Society and what it's like for someone to know they're doomed by the narrative in every other universe.

Okay, who do I know? @acaciapines, @nonbinarycollector, @sherbetflowers, @littlesilentrebel, @am-i-lie, @lilacthebooklover, @noelle-holi-gay, @marvelmaniac715! Please don't feel pressured to respond if you don't want to!

[fedonciadale]

I think I have a hard time sympathizing with the outrage on Slytherins' behalf because, for all that they're wronged in the books, fandom has more than exonerated them in the ensuing years. Slytherin is probably the most popular house in the fandom; many people relate to it and are proud to be sorted there. I've seen numerous, countless metas defending the house and arguing for their POV. Fics and ships starring Slytherins in positive roles are abundant. Slytherin merchandise is easy to find. Even in the actual books, though Slytherins generally get a negative portrayal (I'm not saying they don't), they are still not the oppressed underdogs in the story; on the contrary, many of them appear to come from wealthy families with at least some degree of power in the wizarding world, and even those who don't still have the privilege of being pureblood (not unlike how even poor white people in the real world still benefit from white privilege). None of this is to argue that the other houses don't also have prejudices and privilege or that prejudice isn't woven into wizarding society as a whole. But when people get so protective and defensive of Slytherin, I always wonder why? What exactly are you protecting them from? What exactly about their lot in life is so terrible and unfair that you think they have to be defended so vigilantly? For all that JKR failed in portraying them in a more complex way, Slytherins are still a relatively privileged group and not an oppressed minority in the books (that would be muggleborns). And in the fandom, they're quite popular and well loved. Certainly they have their detractors, but so does every Hogwarts house. In truth, I would argue that Gryffindor receives a good deal more criticism in the general fandom, because while people are quick to point out that Slytherin qualities like ambition can be positive, they're even quicker to refrain from ever saying anything good about Gryffindor and to put a negative, dismissive spin on Gryffindor qualities; even you did this in one of your posts ("bravery is seen as positive, but can be fairly stupid"). I'm not trying to say Gryffindor is oppressed either, because they're not, but they do get plenty of criticism and negative attention, even disdain, in the fandom. Slytherin, on the other hand, is actually quite popular. Sure, there are people who read the books and think "Boo, hiss, all Slytherins are bad!" but if the fandom is anything to go by, those people are in the minority. I just don't think Slytherins are the maligned, unfairly hated group in need of passionate defending that you seem to think they are.

Hi there!

Honestly, I don’t get it. You seem to be mistaken about what I want.

What I posted about was criticism on JKR. I think that the fact that she describes characters as black and white is a serious flaw in her writing. Because she seemingly describes a society that has various shades of prejudice and -ism but only condemns the extremists.

If anything the fandom proves her lack of nuance. You are right: there are plenty of Slytherin fans out there and I would argue that this is a direct result of JKR not being nuanced enough.

The examples I gave were not “defending Slytherins” but mostly pointing out the grey actions of the good characters and mostly talking about JKR’s bias in regard to how she never addresses that her heroes did some stuff that was not ‘white’, and how she describes some things about Slytherin house that aren’t even that bad as abhorrent (like ambition).

Somehow that causes you to think that talking about the grey actions of the good characters is a defence of what the Slytherins did. It is not. And I am not outraged on the Slytherins behalf. They have the longest way to go to get rid of the inherent -ism in wizarding society. I am fuming at JKR that she showed us the nuance in all the actions, but completely undermined any good effect that might have had by brushing it over with her black- and white descriptions.

The actions of James & Co, of Harry and his friends, of the Weasleys have to be judged on their own. Why do you think that talking about that automatically implies defending Slytherins?

And I stand by my statement. Bravery is admirable, but if it is not balanced with reasonable caution it can be stupid. And that is not putting down Gryffindors, that is pointing out, that a virtue can become flawed under certain circumstances.

As I’ve said before. It’s about the nuance, the nuance JKR lacks.