#the ramblings of a sleep deprived romantic piece of shit

[lizzyscribbles]

Tonight's blabber is brought to you by sleep deprivation and my desire to ignore it long enough to try to get my sleep schedule back on track. Drink your electrolytes when you're out in the sun for long periods of time kids, even if you don't feel thirsty, don't be me.

Lizzy's MHA Ramble of the Evening (I need a shorter title for these things): Why I think Toga's death was one of the best in the series.

Now, before I begin, I have to say that as an author, I think that her dying was a good choice since it seems so authentic to her character and I can’t see an end where she’d be happy being captured. Over and over again, she shows us that she's only going to do what she wants. It makes the whole scene so much more impactful, because it shows us how much Ochaco's words really meant to her. We know from over the course of the series that Himiko doesn't do shit she doesn't want to, that's the whole point of her being in the league. So, her sacrificing herself because she wanted to just feels so right and satisfying from an author standpoint, it's the kind of development I die for. Could it have been better? Probably! But that’s a thought for another time.

...But, as a fan, it hurts my heart so much. Toga was another character, much like Bakugo, that I hated so much in the beginning yet grew to love by the end. Her story hits home for me for several reasons, but mostly because it not only shows the importance of finding people who don't ask you to be someone else for their comfort, but also inspires us to be that person for someone else.

You see, love is a funny thing, mostly because it's never the same twice. Be it platonic, romantic, familial or friend, it's never something I think we'll fully understand. However, I do believe this:

Himiko Toga was never truly loved before she ended up in the league.

I don't necessarily mean romantic love here, by the way, I feel like I should say that. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I don't really think that's what matters here anyway.

We see at the end of Toga's fight with Ochaco where she gives the hero her blood that she ponders what she would've done if she'd found love sooner, love that made her want to give and not take. I think that tells us a lot about the love she received before she left. She was under the impression that love was all take, take, take, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's because that was the only kind of "love" she ever received.

That is, until Ochaco came along and offered up herself, even when she didn't have to. Like Himiko tells her, Ochaco could've killed her and she would've been in the right, but she doesn't. Instead of demanding something from Toga like everyone else had done, Ochaco offered a part of herself at no cost. She didn't expect anything back, she didn't ask for anything back, she didn't even tell her to stop, she just offered her wrist and said "please, tell me everything".

She doesn't apologize, she doesn't beg, she levels with Toga as a person and shows her what love actually is. And what does Himiko do with that? She turns around and gives it back. Even though she could've let Ochaco die and moved on, creating an easier world for her to live in, she didn't. I think that's the magic of love, as cheesy as it sounds, the second she got a taste of what it truly was she realized it was worth dying for.

In a lot of ways, love is a sacrifice, a piece of yourself you never expect to get back. But, sometimes, when you find those people who love you as much as you love them, they take your love and give you theirs.

Love is a lot of things. It makes you happy, it makes you sad, it makes you safe, and sometimes it forces you to be a little uncomfortable while you face things you didn't want to face. To love someone is to make them happy yes, but it's also to help them realize that it's okay to not be okay. Love is beautiful, but it hurts sometimes.

No one forced Himiko to give her life for Ochaco's, she didn't do it out of a warped sense of duty or because it's what she was supposed to do, she did it because for once in her life she found someone worth giving to instead of taking from.

Himiko died, but she died how she lived, doing exactly what she wanted to, and I don't think she'd have wanted it any other way.

In a way, Ochaco did save her, just like Izuku saved Tomura, even if it wasn't the way they intended to.

Okay I HAVE to go to bed because I can't keep my eyes open so hopefully that all made sense, farewell all and if anyone has any fix-it fanfics with Himiko please recommend because my heart hurts after writing that.

[pastagolia]

Songs that make me think of my boyfriend and why -

I don’t expect anyone to read this all the way through I just like making lists and wanna share a little bit of my heart

Caught Up In You by 38 Special - it’s one of those songs where the singer never expected to fall in love and then they met someone who changed their life and dragged them into the eternal bliss and obsession of love, and not to get too personal on main (she says at the beginning of a list of songs that remind her of her favourite person) but that is literally what happened with us. Both of us wanted to be single forever, but after meeting each other we changed our minds and immediately started planning for our future together

I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith - I asked him what song reminded him of me, and he sent me this all casual like “yeah I was lowkey thinking of you while listening to this sooo” and then I listened to it and actively cried

Hey, Leonardo by Blessed Union of Souls - see this one is just an amazing song because it’s all about how, as the chorus says, “she likes me for me" - not because of anything like looks or money or anything, but because of personality and the love in the soul, which as an asexual person I relate to real hard

The Boys of Summer by Don Henley - this is technically one of those break up songs that sing about a summer fling and how he thinks about her all those years later, but I love it because 1. it’s a beautiful song and 2. the first time I heard it was in the car with him on the way back from the first thing we went to as a couple. I sat next to him in his car holding his hand shielding my eyes from the setting sun, heading back to his house to eat dinner and play Minecraft, and it was just so amazing

Summer of ‘69 by Bryan Adams - one time we were sitting in the car and he said “bruh this is my favourite song because he says 69 lol” and now I laugh every time I listen to it (I laughed beforehand too but now the humour has a bit of love in it)

Photograph by Def Leppard - he made me listen to it because he liked the guitar solo and it is already a banger, plus it’s kind of  a love song (more like a lust song, but the lust is so easily disguised that I can sing it and still be all lovey without thinking about how this guy is basically wanking to a picture of a girl he likes)

Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen - I showed it to him because I thought he’d like it and apparently it’s one of his favourite songs so we sat in the car together scream singing about fat bottomed girls (and it’s kind of funny because he really did pick himself a fat bottomed girl so it’s funny to hear him singing about it lol)

Mr. Rainmaker by Warrant - this is just the sweetest song, here is the sweetest bit - “Mr. Rainmaker, don’t waste your time, cause I’ve found a girl who is permanent sunshine” - and that makes me smile so bad because he is my permanent sunshine

Share Your Address by Ben Platt - see this song is just a beautiful proclamation of love and the intention of spending the rest of your life with another person, which obviously has me thinking about the loml

Temporary Love by Ben Platt - while we’re on this Ben Platt album, temporary love is what I listen to whenever things get hard because it is about a couple pushing through the struggles of being intimate with each other and sharing their souls - “leaning on somebody’s never easy” - and that is so true, and a reminder that he loves me even when I feel scared to let him

I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth - this is good for a couple reasons 1. Shrek is a meme and half of our relationship is memes and humour 2. it’s another one where OP never thought he’d fall in love

Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas) by Santana - one of the songs that he recommended to me, so I think about him every time I listen

Hooked On a Feeling by Blue Swede - I am in fact hooked on the feeling that he’s in love with me. I was never appreciated by people I wasn’t related to whilst growing up, and the best friend I made in high school ended up just using me, so the idea that someone is actually in love with me and not pretending or using me is so beautiful

Walk This Way by Aerosmith - again, not a love song, but it’s a song that we both love and is a whole ass bop. Plus, when we were in high school, whenever we were trying to motivate our group to stop standing around and start walking we would start singing this, so not only is it a connection between us but it’s also a memory of a time when we were just friends and both secretly crushing on each other

Jack & Diane by John Mellencamp - a song that I got from his playlist that slapssss, and that kind of has some stuff that makes me think about him and about us

Hotel California by Eagles - this is a rock ballad. I am NOT a fan of rock ballads. But this is one of his favourite songs that he sings all the time, so back when I had a crush on him, I sat down and listened to it a billion times until it was stuck in my head and I was forced to like it so that we would have something in common, and now whenever I listen to it I think about him and what I would do for him

Mama I’m Coming Home by Ozzy Osbourne - this is another rock ballad but it’s one of his favourite songs so I conditioned myself to like it and now I love it and it makes me really happy, so particularly when the syncopated guitar comes in I think about him (no reason for the placement, I guess that’s just when I realised the song kind of went hard)

Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue - my music taste is heavier metal and more exciting music (Black Veil Brides, Motley Crue, Metallica, Warrant, ACDC, etc) and his music taste is more chill classic rock (Queen, John Mellencamp, Aerosmith, Def Leppard, etc). I like a lot of his music - I’ll listen to pretty much anything as long as I can bop to it (that’s why I don’t like ballads) - but he doesn’t really like my harder stuff. This is one of the songs he recently admitted to liking, along with Enter Sandman by Metallica, so now I think about him when I hear them

then there’s a whole list of songs that I got from his playlist that are actual bops and I listen to mostly because I like them (but like a little bit of him still pops up when I listen), and LOTS of songs that I can picture us dancing to together in the car, screaming the lyrics and dancing and laughing together.

honestly I think what we’ve learned from this post is that I am in love with him and everything makes me think about him.

anywho, if you actually read all the way through this, hi I love you and I hope you will have/are having an amazing day. thanks for humouring me and letting me geek out about the one person in this world who chose to love me and has continued to choose to love me every single day

I literally cannot stop talking posting typing thinking about it and about him, I know it’s unhealthy to be obsessed, and honestly I don’t think I am obsessed, but you have no idea how crazy it is to me that there is someone in this world who picked me. out of everyone else in the world. he had a crush on the prettiest most talented girl in the whole school, and she liked him back, but he chose me. and he keeps picking me. every day he wakes up and sends me memes and tells me he loves me and takes as much time as possible out of his week to call me and thinks about me all day and tries his best for me. and that is crazy. I spent most of my life being told that the only reason I existed was to make other people happy and my worth was determined by how I let people use me and that people loved me not because of who I am but because of what I can do for them. so the fact that there is someone in this world who lets me be me in all my needy attention-whoring glory and loves me because of it shakes me to the core every single time I think about it. 

and I can’t stop talking about it, I wanna tell everyone that stands still that someone is in love with me and chose me and doesn’t think that I’m annoying and thinks that I’m worth it just because I exist and not because of what I can do for him and I just wanna tell everyone everywhere that HE LOVES ME

okay that’s it, ya girl is gonna go to bed - if you couldn’t tell I sorely need it. sleep well, dear friends, and remember that life is beautiful, you are beautiful and worth it, and that no matter what kind of love you want - platonic, romantic, sexual - it is there for you and it will be more amazing than anything you can dream of