#the rambling thoughts of a black doll collector

[urban-unease]

Louis held the doll carefully as he lowered it into the box of wrapping tissue. He was reminded of his own obsession with mirrors as a child. Watching himself in them, constantly assessing himself and measuring every feature against those around him. How the anxiety had followed him like a shadow. Instead, Claudia would have this mirror. An object of beauty, something to be admired and cherished, that she could hold in her hands and imbue with her own imagination and spirit. All children should have that, he decided. So that they saw themselves, their features, as something beautiful and worthwhile before the world could convince them otherwise. - immortal_conclusions & Sofipitch, The Long Way Home

I finished reading The Long Way Home by @sofipitch and @sweetazathioprine a few days ago and have been thinking about it nonstop since. I've been meaning to write a post about it, largely as a thank you to the incredible thoughtfulness and care the writers have put into crafting this story, but fatigue had prevented me from doing so until now. I want to recognize a post that Sofipitch recently made about the absolutely heinous racism that the authors have received since posting the story. This kind of behavior is disgusting and vile. No one, no matter the circumstance, should be on the receiving end of hatred. I want to highlight the bravery of the authors for sharing their work anyway. It shouldn't require bravery. But as a black queer woman I know what it is delete your own work just to preserve your own sanity. It sucks. It shouldn't have to happen.

I have tagged the authors here because I want you both to know that if you would like me to delete this post, so it does not bring any unwanted attention to you, please let me know. I'm happy to do so, if it means helping you create a safer space in fandom.

I picked this particular quote because I'm a life long lover of dolls and have been collecting in some capacity for about 20 years. Doll collecting was a solitary hobby for me until a couple of years ago when I decided to start joining some online doll spaces. The first thing that struck me was how petty doll collectors are 😆. The second was how vocal most of them are about how much they hate modern Barbie, particularly Mattel's efforts in the past few years to make a more diverse doll line. The common refrain is that Mattel has chosen "diversity over quality". It's a racist dog whistle. I know it and they know it.

I strongly disagree (and am disappointed) with these comments and this quote captures beautifully why. I see nothing but beauty when I look at these dolls. I find myself captivated by the dark skin Barbies with their rich skin tones and beautiful textured hair. I love how their bodies are now curvy, petite, and tall. I love the curvy dark eyed Barbies with skin the color of café con leche, like my mother's. I love touching their hair and feeling my own hair texture. I can't begin to describe the joy I feel that little black girls get to have these dolls. (And kids love them! Mattel's profits have been huge and they credit this success to the diversity of their doll line.) I started collecting Barbies because when I was 11 my mother got me the Princess of India Barbie and it was first time I had a Barbie of color so lovingly made. She had a distinct facial mold and face paint that allowed her Southeast Asian features to come to life. She was so different from the black Barbies I had growing up that lacked black features and hair textures. The only doll I had that I felt best reflected me was my Addy Walker American Girl Doll.

Lately, I've been having a really difficult time mental health wise and as a result I've been spending a lot of time with Addy because she brings me such joy. I can't help but think that the Louis and Claudia of The Long Way Home would absolutely love Addy. I can see them buying the entire collection for little Black girls that couldn't afford to have her. ♥

Thank you Sofipitch and sweetazathioprine for creating this story with such love and care. And thank you for reminding me why I started this hobby and how even as an adult it still means so much to see myself reflected in these tiny beauties.

I know I talked mostly about Barbie in this post but I wanted to shout out some Black owned doll companies that make some really beautiful dolls:

Fresh Dolls

Purpose Toys (Naturalistas, HCByou)

Harperiman Dolls

[hollow-prey]

Really really specific but hear me out: have you ever been looking for an item to buy--maybe it's a specific item, like something for a collection that you've been chasing for a while, maybe it's something more general, like a new book to read-- and you're out at a store browsing, not even looking for anything in particular, and all of a sudden you find Exactly what you were looking for? And not only that, but maybe you were also thinking of your f/o while you were shopping. Maybe it happens to be your anniversary with them (or within a few days), maybe it's your birthday, or maybe you were just taking a day to yourself to relax and have fun and you were imagining your f/o tagging along with you. And somehow the timing of it, combined with finding something that's exactly what you've been searching for, without even really looking for it, almost feels like your f/o sending you a present. They know exactly what you would like and the things you wanted to find, and they wanted to send you a little something to let you know they love you and they're thinking of you.

(Sure, you still have to pay for it yourself, but they would absolutely have bought it for you if they were with you and stores accepted whatever currency they have on hand in their dimension)

[shoutmi]

✖   I. EMOTIONS / FEELINGS.

01. Altschmerz: ( n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and worries you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.)

02. Exulansis: ( n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.)

03. Trepidation: ( n. a feeling of FEAR or anxiety about something that may happen. nervousness, an innate emotion that you’ve had ever since you were a child— trauma-born. it keeps you moving, it keeps you alive. you are a wild animal that can feel no less.)

04. Yearning: ( n. a feeling of intense longing for something. for someone. for some place to be. unquenchable desire that sits by your bedside until you’re able to satiate your unease by finally getting what you want. you want to belong; you want to love. lust is entwined around your beating heart.)

05. Melancholy: ( n. a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. you’re not alone, yet you feel alone. why is that?)

✖   II. GREETINGS.

01. A firm nod of the head for strangers, usually accompanied by a subtle smile. 02. Handshakes for newer acquaintances, strong yet punctuated by a grin. 03. Hugging or the holding of the other’s hand while sentiments of pleasure at the meeting are exchanged; reserved for friends. 04. Perhaps a kiss to one cheek or both if the person is of special importance or closeness(and he’s aware that it won’t lead to discomfort ). 05. Warm waving and exciting exclamation of a friend’s name if spotted from afar.

✖  III. COLORS.

01. Gold ( Magic, Illumination, Fire, Treasure, Status ) 02. Red ( Endurance, Rage, Adventure, Violence, Blood, Desire ) 03. White ( Light, Softness, Beginnings, Sanctuary, Holy Matrimony ) 04. Green ( Renewal, Growth, Mother Nature, Greed  ) 05. Blue ( Ocean Waters, Night sky, Trust, Sorrow, Loyalty, Depth  )

✖   IV. SCENTS.

01. Vanilla. Io isn’t terribly efficient with cooking or baking, but he’s attempting to learn. He loves the taste of vanilla, so he’s likely to smell like it on certain days. 02. Peppermint from the shampoo he uses. It utilizes natural peppermint extracts, and the scent lingers on his hair. 03. Lavender, after he drinks tea before bed. His favorite blend smells strongly of it and soothes anxiety. 04. Charcoal, predominantly on his hands after drawing with charcoal pencils. He often forgets to wash it off for a bit and may streak it on his clothes or skin. 05. New paper from notebooks is one of his favorite scents, and it tends to follow him thanks to the sheer amount of sktech pads and paper he tends to have with him most of the time.

✖   VI. OBJECTS.

01. Treasure Chest. A personal one for her own usage— near the place where she slumbers on the ship. True to her stereotypical nature as both a pirate and a dragon; Shou is an avid collector of various materialistic objects, so long as they meet the requirement of being shiny and beautiful. From valuable gems to useless scraps of tin foil, she stores them all inside her iron chest so that no one may trifle with them, including her crew mates. Her hoard is significant to her, in the sense that it not only acts as a memory log for her journey out at sea, but also soothes her negative mood when she seeks to play with the trinkets to quell her anxiety. 02. Silk Hanfu (traditional Chinese dress) and Fengguan (traditional headgear for noblewomen and brides). Growing up in Deepwyn, a Hanfu was what Shou frequently wore on most days as the royal daughter of the clan. Elegant and flowing with breathtaking colors; it was never a hassle to be dolled up in her family’s traditional robes, more so a treat for the little girl she had been back then. However, the luxury of donning a Fengguan was only granted to her once, while being taught the official wedding ritual by her elders, for it was mainly grown women who wore the headdresses as a sign of status. The crown was divine— forged with gold, jewels and flowers, and she secretly longed for the day when she got to have it again. Perhaps, even more importantly, it gifted her a rare, fleeting moment of experiencing what it felt like to be an insider.    03. Sake Cup. More so the symbolism of several; clinking in joyous harmony and solidarity over the unbreakable promise of becoming siblings.   04. Warm Jacket. Or a thick coat. Weak to the cold, it’s vital for the reptilian pirate to keep one handy at all times should they happen to encounter frigid temperatures. Nevertheless, nothing quite beats the comforting sensation of the sun’s torrid rays upon bare skin. 05. Wolf Tooth. On a woven string, worn as a necklace and received later on in life. Not from a literal wolf. It’s actually the baby tooth of her biological half-brother Sasha as a parting gift. Canine of the Black Shuck, a good luck charm. Irreplaceable token.  

✖   VII. VICES / BAD HABITS.

01. Bad time management. While he’s rarely late for meetings or the like, he has a bad habit of focusing in on one or two things at a time and forgetting the big picture. As a result, he often finds himself overworked during semesters with many projects in university or failing to finish particular tasks he had set for himself (which lead to frustration with himself, etc). 02. Overly critical. This applies primarily to himself, although he can sometimes expect a lot of other people, too. When someone doesn’t give their all to something he feels they should care about, he feels conflicted and will often bring it to their attention, whether his opinion has been asked for or not. 03. Rambling. He talks a lot, and doesn’t always understand when he should stop. This can sometimes lead to him embarrassing himself, or annoying the people around him. 04. Spacing out. With a tendency to become lost in his own thoughts, he can have trouble remaining grounded in reality. He might be in the middle of a class and completely lose the train of discussion. Although he stays fairly attuned to conversations or when others are around, this habit does lead him to jump to specific topics, ideas, or activities that seem to come out of nowhere. 05. Martyr complex. During his brother’s illness, he was expected to be “the good son:” supporting his parents and brother’s girlfriend, not causing anyone to worry about him. This lead to him keeping all of his negative emotions tucked away for the sake of not burdening the people he cares about, even to his own detriment. He doesn’t expect this of anyone else (quite the opposite) and prefers to let everyone think he’s usually satisfied with life in general while being their shoulder to cry on.

✖   VIII. BODY LANGUAGE.

01. Tilting his head when curious. 02. His gaze drifting up the the ceiling or the sky mid-conversation if he’s attempting to gather his thoughts. 03. Biting his bottom lip when frustrated or embarrassed. 04. Chin resting in the palm of his hand, especially if listening or thinking intently. 05. Leaning forward when excited or full of anticipation.

✖   IX. AESTHETICS.

01.  Paintings on canvas with muted colors of someone without a distinguishable face. 02. Herbal tea early in the morning or right before bed, the steam curling upwards from the rim of its china cup as it cools. 03. Lake water lapping at a grassy bank as the setting sun reflects on the rippling surface, a myriad of reds and golds. 04. Books placed carefully on a dark mahogany shelf, alphabetized by the title embossed on the spine in curling script. 05. Two hands, palms pressed together, with their fingers intertwined in a tight squeeze.

✖   X. SONGS.

01. Barren by Nicole Dollanganger :

“ — curdled like milk in the summer heat, my skin’s gone soft, my head is spoiled, my heart’s a rabid dog trying to put its teeth in you, you thought you saw light but it was forest fires eating me alive, my limbs are dead and dry, my ribcage cradles dirt and weeds, i’m empty inside.”

02. Keep The Streets Empty For Me by Fever Ray :

” — i’m laying down, eating snow my fur is hot, my tongue is cold on a bed of spider web i think of how to change myself

a lot of hope in a one man tent there’s no room for innocence so take me home before the storm, velvet mites will keep us warm ”

03. Atlas Hands by Benjamin Francis Leftwich :

” — take me to the docks, there’s a ship without a name there and it is sailing to the middle of the sea the water there is deeper than anything you’ve ever seen jump right in and swim until you’re free.”

04. Sister by The Japanese House :

” — fist in a botch my arms as they haul away from your body away from your skin you see, that’s my twin she’s standing aside and she’s my next of kin if only you knew what resided within i won’t let her in that would be callous and crass a chip on my chin you didn’t want me back stark in the dirt; can you tell that she’s hurt? so sharp and alert, she’s such a clean breath.”

05. Wolf by Skott :

“ — i’m a wolf howling in the moonlight, calling out like a fool howling On your doorstep, calling out

i hate that everything’s different my clothes, my haircut is different but still I’m feeling the same what is eternal about love? if there’s a way to turn it off you know, so show me the way.”