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sada-siva-sanyaasi · 4 years ago

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Stains - Part 9

Series Summary: An artist goes through a lot of things, sure, but having to deal with her ex on a constant basis wasn’t something she signed up for.

Words: 3,625 words.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Modern!AU)

A/N: Words under the cut. Also been a long long time, eh? I honestly had a rough patch these last few months, and also didn’t have my laptop with me to update even though I had written, so I apologise a thousand times. I am so so sorry everyone! Hope the next few weeks of updates and story can make up for my loss of inspiration! Love you always, and as usual, feedback of all forms is greatly appreciated!

Y/N watched Peter walk into the building and sighed to herself, running a hand through her hair. “Okay, this is it, you dropped your toddler now you go shooting.” She didn’t realise how long she was just sitting inside until she heard someone honking behind her, making her snap back and drive on.

Each step she took towards the studio was heavier than the one before, her heart racing and her hands shivering. Y/N stopped in front of the door and let out a shaky breath, cracking her knuckles. “It’s just another project, why am I getting so worked up? Fucking relax, Y/N, this is not a big deal. This is like every other project you’ve had with models.”

“Although I don’t mind the whole ‘talking-to-yourself’ thing,” Y/N jumped and turned around to see Loki stand there, a smile on his face, “do it inside the studio while you’re setting things up, won’t you? That way no one stares at you like you’re a weirdo.”

Y/N beamed and smacked Loki’s shoulder, a small yelp escaping his mouth. “Good morning, Loki. I was just giving myself a pep talk. It’s a shoot for Tony Stark, right?” Loki hummed, opening the door and ushering her in while they set their stuff down.

“Yeah, someone you already shot for if I remember. And you shot him too,” Loki added, making Y/N close her mouth and turn away with a scowl. “So I really don’t see why you’re getting so sweaty. Unless of course, it’s because your ex is coming here.”

Y/N stopped fixing her lens and turned to Loki, who looked busy setting up the lights. “How do you know so much?” Loki snickered and walked to his laptop, noticing more support staff walk in. “I just am very observant, my dear. Especially with your Twitter shenanigans, it’s hard not to know really. I think even Thor knows, I heard him laugh at your tweet for about ten god-awful minutes.”

Y/N grimaced and connected the main camera to Loki’s laptop, a hot red blush spreading across her cheeks. “We do not speak of my Twitter shenanigans, Laufeyson. It’s a dark subject.” Loki rolled his eyes and smirked, bowing in front of Y/N just as Thor walked in. “My humblest apologies, oh revered one.”

Y/N smacked Loki again and both of them laughed as they greeted Thor, settling down in their chairs. “When will the models get here?” Thor huffed, looking at his watch, and Y/N rolled her eyes.

“They’ll have to get here, set up, dress up, and pose. Oh it’s a long day, and it’s only day one. There’s five more days till we go back to shooting other things again.” Y/N frowned, biting her nails as she looked up.

“Wait, what are we shooting for again?”

Loki and Thor burst out laughing, Thor even leaning forward to ruffle Y/N’s hair. “Are you sure you’re the photographer and not just an assistant, Y/N? We are doing endorsement shoots for today and tomorrow while the rest of the three days will be personalized shoots of the models.” Y/N’s scowl deepened as she stared at the door.

“Oh God I’m regretting these shoots already.” The doors opened and her breath hitched, only to see people with makeup kits walk in, and she stood up angrily.

“Oh, they’re taking so long! I’ll go get a coffee, you want something?” The brothers shook their heads and she walked out, stuffing her hands into her pockets and humming under her breath.

As she walked into the Stark cafeteria and waited in the queue, she heard an all too familiar voice laugh. “Oh I know, Bucky has made it his life mission to screw himself up in front of the world. Now he bullshits about Tony’s work, what an idiot. Jesus, my head hurts whenever he decides to use his brain. Ow, what the fuck!” “I’m standing right beside you, asshole.”

Y/N bit her lip to stop the laugh from leaving her mouth and silently stepped towards the counter. “I’d like a chocolate cappuccino with two shots of espresso and extra chocolate please.” The barista looked up and smiled. “Long day ahead? It’ll be $3.50 please,” She said, and Y/N smiled, nodding.

“Almost never ending, and here you go.” Y/N’s smile widened when she got a sandwich along as the barista winked at her. “It’s on us, hope you a great day.”

She turned and nearly bumped into a person when two strong arms wrapped around her, holding her steady. “Easy there, coffee girl.” A smooth voice said, and Y/N froze entirely, her blood turning cold. “Don’t call me that, Barnes,” she mumbled, looking up, and Bucky smirked. “Why not, Y/N? Wasn’t that how we met?” She glared at him and gestured towards the drink in her hand. “Want to get drenched in something hot again?”

Bucky stepped back from her, still not letting go. “No, I don’t think you would voluntarily drench me in that chocolate-y coffee goodness. I know you enough to know you love your coffee a lot, and that it costed a lot too.” Y/N huffed and sipped her drink, her eyes closing momentarily when the hot liquid flooded her mouth.

“Yeah, you’re right. I wouldn’t, but I would like to go now, so if you leave me.” Bucky hummed, his grip not faltering a bit. “No, I don’t think I will let you go, Y/N. you and I need to go to the same place anyway, and I like holding you, it’s been a while.”

Y/N’s eyes widened and she noticed Pietro behind them, waving and grinning at her as Bucky ushered her to the studio.

“Fucking let me go, asshole!” She barked, not caring about how many people were looking at them, and Bucky rolled his eyes. “Oh, hush child. We have the same destination, and so I’m making this journey along with you.”

Y/N mumbled a soft “what the fuck” as Pietro opened the doors and bowed down, allowing Bucky and Y/N to walk in. She finally shook him off and stormed over to Loki and Thor, setting her coffee down. Loki watched as she cracked her knuckles and bent forward, picking her sandwich and taking a bite of it.

“You said you didn’t want anything!” Y/N hissed and he shrugged. “With how that lady just ate our brains, I got a little hungry. I’m not sorry,” She looked around and her scowl deepened, fist clenched.

“The witch has already arrived, I see.” Loki nodded, his hand creeping towards her coffee only for it to be smacked away.

“Alright,” Y/N yelled, walking to the models in the middle of the room, “let’s get this show on the road. We got three hours today, and I want them to count. Get dressed, you’re having shoots with products.”

“No, I don’t like the shade of lipstick; don’t you think it’s too dull? How about blood red?” Dolores said, looking through the makeup as Y/N sighed out loud for the tenth time, sipping her coffee.

“How is your coffee still not over?” Thor said, sitting beside her, and she glanced at him. “I’m trying not to finish it so that I’m busy till she decides to end our misery and just model. Jesus Christ, this is why I hate shooting with living creatures, such monsters.”

Thor coughed to cover up his laugh when Dolores shot a glare in their direction, and Loki leaned towards her. “When will you tell her this is a monochrome shoot?” he whispered, and Y/N turned to him, a coy smile on her face.

“I want to see how long it takes before she figures it out on her own.” Both of them grinned at each other and Y/N turned, only for her breath to be snatched right out of her lungs.

Bucky stood a couple feet away from her, his hairstylist fixing him up as he unbuttoned the top part of his shirt, checking himself out in the mirror. She didn’t want to admit it, but he looked like he dropped straight from heaven.

“He looks good, huh?” Pietro said, making her jump and turn to scowl at him. “What did you say?” Pietro smirked, “You heard me,” Y/N rolled her eyes and finished her coffee when Bucky said, “I heard that its monochrome today.”

She nodded, picking her camera and fiddling with it.

“Well, what colour is it, then?”

“What colour is the background, Barnes?”

“Black.”

“Your clothes?”

“Black and white.”

“Bingo.”

Dolores stopped applying her blush and glared at Y/N. “You’re telling me that after I spent twenty minutes trying to pick out the right shade of lipstick for this cream dress?!”

Y/N stared at Dolores. “Did you bother checking with me if you needed blood red lipstick and coral blush? He asked me, I told him. You should’ve asked me, Miss Smith. Would’ve saved you and us a lot of time.”

Dolores continued to glare at her as Y/N stood up and said, “I hope you’re ready. Your products have been placed there; we will be going with you first. Loki, I need you to set a diffuser over the light falling from the top and Thor, a reflector to the left please. Let’s get this done with.”

Bucky watched as Loki and Thor stepped away from Y/N while she knelt forward, looking into her camera. She adjusted the lens and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, scrunching her nose a little as she said, “Thor, move closer. Dolores, adjust your position a little to the left, chin higher in the air, thank you. And smile, don’t smirk.”

A smile unknowingly made its way onto Bucky’s face, his heart feeling light as he kept watching her. It had been three years since he spent so long with Y/N, and he was more than happy that he was getting to see her like this. Emotions and memories he kept buried for years resurfaced, his chest tightening as he remembered the little things about her.

Pietro watched Bucky, and scoffed silently. “Bro, you are whipped. I bet you even know what’s happening in her head.”

“She’s not happy with how Dolores is posing, she’s constantly correcting her but her eyebrows are still furrowed and her tongue is not sticking out yet. It shows she’s angry, not concentrating. Y/N will stand up and walk to correct Dolores and her posture anytime now.”

Not long after the words left Bucky’s mouth Y/N stood up, walking to Thor and angling the reflector before murmuring to Dolores, moving her hands and adjusting her. Bucky’s smile turned smug as Pietro stared at him, shock on his face. “Did you fucking study this girl? How do you know so much after so long?”

Bucky’s eyes never left Y/N as she set Dolores’s hair, rambling about the position of the fans beside them. “Fall in love, Pietro. You won’t forget what makes them who they are that easily. Look, her tongue is peeking out, she’s finally satisfied and she’s concentrating.” Pietro turned to where Bucky was pointing and chuckled, noticing how he was indeed right about Y/N yet again.

“You really love her, huh.” Bucky’s smile softened and he sighed, nodding. “I do. I didn’t prove it to her then, and I don’t know if she’ll believe me now. But I won’t give up, not after I have her right in front of me.”

“For five more days, Buck. You don’t even know if you’ll see her again. And you can’t make someone fall in love with you for the second time in so little time.” Bucky frowned, looking down as his stylist walked over to him, checking his outfit. “I could tell her the truth,” he mumbled, almost a whisper. “And then what? She’ll magically let you back into her life?”

Bucky turned to Pietro, who stared right back at him. “I’m serious, Buck. You think she’ll just let you back? Do you remember the look on her face that day?”

Flashback

Tears made their way down Y/N’s cheeks as she took in the scene in front of her, Dolores on top of Bucky and her hands on his chest. “S-So all of this, whatever Natasha told me, it’s true? I thought she was doing it out of spite, Bucky.”

Bucky pushed Dolores off him and stood up, the stench of alcohol from him reaching Y/N immediately. He looked at her; eyes swollen and cheeks red as she struggled to contain her sobs. The fight seemed like it happened so long ago, neither of them remembered what it was really about, but it had gotten out of hand. The people around them faded, non-existent and not mattering. “Just tell me it’s not real, James. I’ll believe you. Not Natasha, not Dolores, nobody. Please,” she whispered, stepping towards him only for him to step back.

“I think you need to leave and stop assuming things, Y/N. I’m drunk, and not in my senses.” Bucky mumbled, loud enough for her to hear every word. “So, that’s it? It’s the end?” She laughed, the sound hollow.

“Did it ever begin?” Bucky hissed, and Y/N looked like she had been slapped. “A year, Barnes.” She croaked, her nails digging into her skin. “We were together for a year and friends for two years before that. And you tell me none of it was real? I was in love with you, for this? Fuck you, James Barnes. I don’t want to ever see your face again.”

“Oh, the feeling’s mutual sweetheart.” Bucky said, turning back to the counter and grabbing his beer. Y/N turned and left, slamming the door shut behind her and Bucky slumped into his seat, tears leaving his eyes. Dolores rubbed his shoulder in comfort only for him to swat it away harshly. “Get out, Dot. I don’t want you.”

Dolores scowled, biting her lip.

“Here?”

“Ever. Out.”

End of Flashback

Bucky rubbed his head as Y/N said, “Alright, we’re done here! You can go change, Dolores. If the boys step forward, it’ll be great,” and stepped forward, watching her thrust props into his hands. “Hold these and pose right,” she mumbled, turning to leave when he grabbed her hands.

“I’d rather hold you, if I’m being honest.” He tugged her closer and smirked when Y/N pulled away, blushing profusely. “Shut the fuck up,” she seethed, glaring at him, and he bent forward to her level, tilting his head.

“Make me, sweetheart,” Bucky’s eyes went to her lips and his smirk widened when Y/N stepped away, calling his stylist to set his suit. Pietro sighed and elbowed Bucky, shooting a sharp glare. “Stop being a flirt, you’ll scare her away, asshole.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and punched Pietro’s shoulder. “You shut up, Maximoff. Don’t teach me how to get my girl back.”

Pietro watched Y/N talk to Loki, pointing at the lights and camera and rolled his eyes, grumbling, “What a cocky bastard.”

“Today was a long day,” Y/N sighed, falling into her chair and looking through her laptop at the pictures taken. “Longer than we wanted, Dolores spent so long getting ready. Wow, all ladies like this?” Thor grumbled, chugging his coffee.

“Slow down Thor, that’s not beer.” Loki chided, shaking his head and sitting closer to Y/N. “We were supposed to finish shoot in three hours, took us four and half because Atomic Blonde kept complaining about her fat face and wrong angles, what a drama queen.” Y/N chuckled and went on to making basic edits in the pictures, before sitting back. “Be careful with your words, Loki,” she said, nodding towards the models walking to them. “I heard drama queens have powerful ears, especially around things they shouldn’t hear.” Bucky and Pietro got their chairs and sat down, Pietro beside Loki and Bucky squeezing in between Loki and Y/N.

Dolores spared Y/N a glance before dragging a chair and sitting down in front of her, as if trying to squeeze herself between Y/N and Bucky. Y/N cleared her throat awkwardly and said, “Uh, I need to see the laptop Dolores, and you sitting here is making it impossible to do so. I need to show the final results to the other two models too, you’re not the only one.”

Dolores shot her a glare before pushing her laptop back a little, and Y/N rubbed her face. She stood up and grabbed the laptop, setting it down in her lap and turning to Bucky and Pietro.

“Since these are mostly close up shots focusing on the products, not a lot of your face is in the pictures, and we will be shooting in colours as well tomorrow. I hope you’re ready for it.”

Dolores scowled and looked into the laptop. “Don’t you think my angles are bad? My face looks swollen in these.” Pietro snorted. “That’s because you got here hungover.”

Loki coughed in a poor attempt to stop laughing while Thor made no such attempt, making Dolores fume. “You talk like you look great, Maximoff.”

Bucky rolled his eyes while Y/N said, “Please, he’s a Maximoff. He’s hotter than you and five generations of your family.” “I’m sorry; I think I need a minute. Can I hug you, Y/N?” Pietro said, while Bucky shot him a glare.

“Not now Maximoff, see your pictures and then you can.” Y/N kept scrolling through her laptop as Loki raised his eyebrows, looking at the pictures. “Your pictures look fabulous, Barnes.” He remarked, and Bucky smirked, resting his head on Y/N’s shoulder. “I’ll have to thank the hot photographer for that. She seemed to have paid special attention to-” “-the product, that’s why the pictures look great. All of them do, and if you guys have any problem with how you look, go to Loki. He’s doing the editing. And get your head off my shoulder, Barnes.”

Bucky stared at Y/N and mumbled, “I never noticed, you have a double chin.” Y/N’s hand crept to her jaw as she turned to Bucky, whose head was still on her shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Get off me, please.” He shook his head, nuzzling closer to her and said, “I don’t want to.”

Y/N huffed, reluctantly settling into her seat to make it more comfortable for him. She didn’t know why she was doing it, but she did. Bucky smiled to himself, slowly wrapping his arms around her too.

Loki and Thor looked at them, and then turned to each other, eyebrows raised, before shrugging and standing up. “Who wants coffee?” Thor asked, and Bucky grabbed Y/N’s hand and raised it, while Pietro nodded and Dolores shook her head in disgust.

“I’d like a green tea; coffee is so bad for health.” Pietro scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Yes, and getting shit-faced is not, Dolores. Come on, let’s go get coffee. What’s your order, Y/N and Bucky?”

“I’ll have a black coffee, Y/N will have a cap-” “I’ll have a café mocha, and I’m coming with you.” Y/N, with surprising gentleness, lifted Bucky’s head off her shoulder and stood up, brushing his arms off her.

She glanced down at him and bit her lip, before walking towards Loki. Bucky sighed and stood up, watching her. “Looks like some stuff did change in three years. She hated mochas before.”

Dolores rolled her eyes and glared at him. “You’re hung up on her even now? After three years?” Bucky stared at her.

“Well what else should I do, move on with you? I didn’t realise I had such a splendid option available.” Bucky pushed past Dolores and she scowled, stomping her feet. “Three years later, and nothing fucking changed.”

“See you tomorrow, gentlemen.” Y/N smiled and hugged Thor, before moving to Loki. “Send me one picture after editing it so that I know how it’ll turn out.” “Yeah I know, stop doubting my abilities.” He pulled her into a hug and sighed. “You know Barnes is trying hard, right?” He mumbled, and she pulled away slightly, her gaze unsure. “I know, and I also know what I saw that day. He didn’t stop her then, Loki.”

“And he doesn’t spare her a glance now, Y/N.” Her gaze hardened. “Once a cheater, always a cheater. Doesn’t matter how hard he tries to be different now. People don’t change, Loki.”

“But people change people, Y/N.” Loki sighed, rubbing his face. “You’ve known him for three years, and you’ve been away from him for three years. He must really miss you if he’s trying so hard even after you dumped whatever was in your hand on him.”

Y/N chuckled and shook her head, stepping away from him. “Whatever you say, Loki. Dolores is still stuck to him, see?”

Dolores was indeed stuck to Bucky, blabbering on as he stared at her with disinterest and discomfort. Pietro was watching their interaction and trying not to laugh, albeit unsuccessfully.

Loki rolled his eyes. “She’s trying to get you jealous, and you’re letting it work.” Thor nodded, munching on a cookie. “I’m sorry, where did you get that cookie from?” Thor grinned sheepishly, shrugging. “The barista found me hot.”

Loki nodded, pulling two cookies out of his pocket. “She gave me two.” He smirked, only for it to fall when Y/N pulled a croissant from her bag. “Complimentary goods from the chef, many more inside. Back down, peasants. Anyways, even if Dolores is trying to make me jealous, it’s not working.”

Thor patted her shoulder and shook his head. “You said her name and crushed the top of your bag. Like heck it’s not working.”

“Fine, she’s making me jealous and annoyed. What about it?”

Loki smirked and looked at his brother, who was wiping cookie crumbs off his face. “What are we here for?”

---

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tetrakys · 5 years ago

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Trois Allumettes - Chapter 13

Lysander’s route in MCL UL.

Chapters 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12

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Chani and I parted the dusty velvet curtain and made our way inside the trailer.

A strong aroma of incense instantly hit my nostrils, the place was small and dark, lighted only by a few dozen candles laying around the room.

“Sit down, ladies.”

I was expecting to see a woman, so I was surprised to find a man in his forties. Wearing lots of make-up, he had a turban on his head and it looked like he’d found his clothes in a low-budget costume store.

Chani and I sat down, looking at each other amused.

“Can I ask as many questions as I want?”

“Yes dear,” the man replied to her, “as maaaany as you like.”

Chani laid the money on the table, without hesitation.

“When am I going to die?”

In clumsy theatrics, the fortune teller juggled his arms out in front of himself, twirling them around what looked like a tiny crystal ball.

“When the wind rises, your eyes will close. The seasons will stop forever. It won’t be tomorrow, it isn’t today, it won’t be in sixty years, but maybe before then.”

I tried as hard as I could not to laugh.

“Care to elaborate?”

“You’re still too young for that kind of question. Your grandmother would tell you to seize the day without worrying about the flowers on your grave, or about tomorrow�� You should listen to Mary…”

Chani stood up quick.

The fortune teller stood up too, and was just about to withdrew behind a big curtain when he stopped. He turned around and looked at me serious.

“Beware of road traffic accidents.”

Then he left.

“Wait, I had more questions!” Chani called out, but he was already gone. We left the place slightly baffled.

A tall guy dragged a barrier in front of the trailer to keep us from going back.

“What’s wrong Chani?” I asked her, she looked a little nervous.

“Did you hear what he said about my grandmother? She used to say “Carpe Diem” to us all the time.”

“Well, yeah… but isn’t that the kind of thing all grandmothers say? Even what he said to me… so sudden and generic, like “look around when you cross the street”? Lots of theatrics and empty banalities, it’s something you could say to anyone.”

“But he even guessed her name!”

“Mary is a pretty common name though…”

“I don’t know, it’s still strange. I felt something weird, I have to go back.”

Chani sounded distressed, I was sad the guy had worried her so much, he was clearly a fraud.

“For now it’s closed, let’s go back to the others.”

-------

The carnival was impressive, so many colours and lights… there was any attraction one could imagine, from the very obvious Ferris wheel and roller coaster, to some new games I’d never seen before. A whole area was dedicated to food, and I was getting hungry by simply walking between the stalls.

Lysander was holding my hand and I was incredibly happy, I hadn’t seen him the whole week, we were finally on holiday but he was still busy with his many commitments.

“Ouch… look at those queues,” Rosa grimaced, “I’m not sure how many attractions we’ll be able to get on.”

“I really want to go on the flying swings!” Priya said excited, “I have my own technique to make them fly even higher.”

“Perfect to feel sick. Count me out.” Morgan replied.

“I’d like to do something easy,” Rosa looked at Leigh unsure.

“Let’s divide and conquer, we can meet at the food truck in one hour?” Alexy suggested.

We walked between the attractions and small groups formed and took off on their own. Some headed to the Ferris wheel, others to the dark throwing booth. We were passing by the bumping cars when Castiel stopped looking at them pensive.

“Do you like bumping cars, Castiel?” I asked, joining him in front of the attraction.

“No… I mean, yes.” He sounded a little reticent, but after a small pause he kept talking. “I did it once with my father, when I was a kid. After a terrible experience where he left me alone on the roller coaster, we played this. It was his way to make amends. I enjoyed it, I know it’s lame…”

“It really isn’t,” I said understanding, Castiel had never had the best relationship with his parents, it was good he had a fond memory. “Let’s do it,” I smiled at him.

“Are you sure?” he smiled back, a little embarrassed.

“Of course.” I felt someone’s arm resting on my shoulders, and I tuned my head to see Lysander glaring at Castiel.

“We’re going on the bumping cars, want to come?”

For a moment he said nothing, just tightened his hold on me, pushing my body closer to him.

“Sure.”

The queue was short, thank God… because it felt incredibly awkward. I did most of the talking, Castiel was acting normal but I could tell he’d also figured out something was wrong. Lys was quieter than usual, talking only when directly addressed, his replies curt.

When it finally was our turn, we all took seat in a different car and waited for the game to start.

There were mostly teenagers, and some of them looked scary, I tightened my hold on the wheel, I was ready.

As soon as the music started I moved forward, the cars were pretty fast and bumped quite violently. I realised it a few seconds later, when someone bumped strongly into me from behind, I turned my head to find a smirking Castiel.

“Oh, it’s on!” I said laughing.

“Yeah, you wish…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence because Lys came out of nowhere, bumping so violently into his side, that the car was pushed to the other side of the rink.

“Lys!” I cried out.

“What?”

“It was a little too violent, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know what you mean, that’s the game,” he replied matter-of-factly and departed again.

I spent the next few minutes keeping an eye on Castiel and Lys while also trying to avoid as much as possible the crazy teenagers, who seemed determined to run through everybody on the rink. Lys and Castiel, though, seemed to be doing a perfectly good job at killing each other all by themselves.

I thought about the study session we had at Rosa and Leigh’s place a few days ago. Lys had acted strangely even then, and I didn’t know why. He’d arrived a little late and had found Castiel sitting next to me, he hadn’t said a word the whole evening. At the time I didn’t paid it too much attention, focusing on working on my thesis, but now it all started to make sense.

The game was just about to end, when I saw something that froze the blood in my veins.

Lys was so completely focused chasing up Castiel, that he didn’t notice one of the kids coming fast from behind. The impact was so violent that his car was pushed against one of the side pillars of the rink, and he hit his head against it.

For one millisecond everything froze.

The cars, the music, my heart, time itself… then I cried out his name and jumped to my feet, running towards him. Luckily the other cars had also stopped and everyone was running to check on him, who was lying immobile on the ground, partially still in his car.

I was the fist to get to him, and kneeled down, touching him, calling his name. I could hear people around shouting, someone asking if there was a doctor in the crowd.

“Lys… Lys…” I kept repeating like a mantra, caressing his face. My sight was blurred, and I realised I was crying.

Finally, after it felt like hours but were most likely just a few seconds, with a pained groan he opened his eyes.

“Lys!” I cried out excited, smiling. “How are you feeling?”

He looked at me with a vacant stare, and said something that made my heart crush in my chest.

“Who are you?”

I stared at him dumbfounded, my mouth open.

But after a moment, he shook his head, his eyes finally focusing on me, recognition in them.

“Candy…”

I hugged him tightly, my arms around his neck, his own coming to my back, uncertain.

“I was so scared…” I said, tears still running on my cheeks.

I felt someone gently patting on my shoulder. It was the nurse hired by the carnival, and I moved aside to let him visit Lysander.

In that moment I noticed Castiel, who wore my same shocked and distressed expression. He and the nurse helped Lysander getting to his feet, but he really didn’t need help, he kept repeating that he was fine, and didn’t need to go to the hospital.

“Come at least to the infirmary, so that I can visit you, head injuries are not something to take lightly.”

Castiel, Lys and I followed him, making our way across the attractions. We passed next to the fortune teller trailer, and a shiver ran down my spine.

The infirmary was close, and it took the nurse just a few minutes to check his scalp and his pupils.

“You’re probably going to have a bump on your head but, other than that, you should be fine. If you’re feeling dizzy or have a strong headache, please go to the nearest A&E.”

“Thank you,” Lys replied, and we all left the room, back to the carnival.

As soon as we got out, Lys and Castiel exchanged a knowing look and he slightly nodded.

“I’ll head first to the food truck, see you there.”

“Are you sure you feel up to join the others?” I asked worried once we were alone, “we could go back to the dorms, you should rest.”

“No Candy,” he said taking my hands, “I’m not going to ruin this evening for you any longer.”

“But Lys, it’s not your fault, it was an accident.”

“I’ve been acting like a jealous child the whole evening,” he said, confirming my doubts. “You don’t know how sorry I am, I feel so stupid. I know you feel only friendship for Castiel, you’ve told me more than once, but I know it’s not the same for him and I can’t help worrying. He’s my best friend, I shouldn’t act like this, when I told him about us, I could tell he wasn’t completely happy. But exactly because he’s my best-friend I know he would never make a pass at you while you’re my girlfriend.”

“Then why…” I tried to ask.

“I guess a part of me wonders what’s going to happen between you two when I’m back at the farm. I know he’s going on tour, but tours don’t last forever, he will be back at some point, while I…”

He lowered his eyes and his hold on my hands tightened, I didn’t know what to say, my heart felt heavy in my chest.

“Well, anyway, I apologise. My behaviour has been unforgivable. I won’t ruin your night any further, you were so happy to come to the carnival and spend the evening with everyone. And… we can spend some time together alone afterwards… if you’re still up to it?” he asked hopeful.

Of course I was up to it.

Putting aside gloomy thoughts about the future, we went to join the others, hand in hand, we reached the truck food.

We spend a pleasant couple of hours chatting and eating, by the time everyone was full it was past midnight.

Suddenly, I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise.

“Candy?” Kim’s voice said at the other hand of the call, “come quickly to the gym please. Alone.”

For the second time that evening I felt my blood freezing.

“It’s Nath, isn’t it?”

-----

Back to Chapter 12

Go to Chapter 14

#my candy love #amour sucré #mclul #mcl lysander #lysander #lysandro #amor doce #sweet crush #dolce flirt #corazon de melon #my writing #trois allumettes

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peterjburnsiii · 6 years ago

Text

Peter J. Burns III “Ready, Fire, Aim” Round 2

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/peter-j-burns-iii-ready-fire-aim-take-2-peter-burns-iii/?published=t

Carlos Cortes and Cooper Lopez are graduates from the Lavin Center for Entrepreneurship at San Diego State University. In the "Idea Lab," taught by Adjunct Professor Kevin Popovic, (https://idealab.sdsu.edu/kevin-popovic/) they formulated an idea for a business and decided to "go for it." In essence, the fellas created a very soft, washable blanket in different sizes and colors that come with sewn in "feet pockets" to keep your feet warm. I am including some info on their Adjunct and the progress of their business below. A picture of me with the two young entrepreneurs is up top of this blog.

My communication with Professor Kevin over holiday break is below:

Happy New Year to you, Kevin. I am helping your first two students, Carlos and Cooper. Received a pre-approval for one for $70k-$80k and after cleaning up a couple of credit bumps and paying down card balances, will get close to the same for the second. I have my Vietnamese partners quoting the first run of 3000 pieces that will come in under $10 apiece. They met with my bus plan/marketing plan guy who will also be running the numbers with them. We are going to Modern to see about all collateral material, websites, marketing campaigns next. I have a very smart Project Manager who will be taking them through all the steps, a Social Media maven to orchestrate that effort and a journalist to write about it all and garner 3rd party press for them and the project. When I finish the soup to nuts program for them, I can replicate for all worthy candidates, my friend.

One of my earliest communications with the boys after we met...

Peter J. Burns, III <

[email protected]

Sun, Dec 16, 2018, 3:50 PM

to Kevin, Robert, Alastair, Midas, Steve, magregory, Carlos, Cooper

Loved meeting you both and you two are exactly the type of "go-getters" I want to mentor and launch to the stratosphere of entrepreneurship!

The fact that you followed our friend (professor/mentor) Kevin's advice to connect with me, showed up on one of your two days off from your "day jobs" to meet me and my friends and produced what I asked for right away..are all good signs that my gut instinct was right about you.

Like I said, I bet on the jockey, not the horse.

That being said, my partners and I are going to take your info, study it, ask questions and bring you to meet all of us shortly.

In the meantime, since we know you are going to need capital and I promised to provide it, subject to the rules I establish with you, by way of this email, I am introducing you to my financing partner/guru, Wes of Midas-Financial (www.midas-financial.com) and ask that you speak together and provide Wes with whatever he needs to pre-qualify you for as much as you can receive to both repay your small debts ($20k each) and provide enough capital to launch your enterprise on another much higher level with my help.

I will be speaking to you personally with my thoughts on how we may best fast track you both.

P.S. My experience of bringing students to market is on my Dean's letter from Barrett Honors College (ASU) 12-13 years ago, which is attached. They had zip for entrepreneurship at ASU until I came there and SDSU is massively better equipped to reap the benefit of my resources. Help me to help them!

Barrett Honors College Dean Letter

Peter J. Burns, III

Below is one of my partner's observations and notes from his first session with the young men an their Project:

Bomfy B Consultation 12-30-18

Attendees:

Carlos, Cooper, Rob Tepper

Notes and Action Items

Carlos works for a Latino focused agency that has Fortune 500 clients as well as smaller ones.

Cooper - also at an agency, Account Executive (sales) doing Instagram and Facebook marketing for small to medium-sized businesses

They both went to Valhalla HS in El Cajon, knew each other but not really friends, became friends at SDSU as they are both studying Management & Entrepreneurship.

They seek a way to get their product positioned and set to sell in the 2019 holiday season to cover their entire salaries, costs, overhead for the year, so they can do this full time

Ideas for Niches:

Universities - market to university bookstore buyers

Sororities - market to a few local sororities but scale through national

For both of the markets above,having campus reps / advocates to promote can help with adoption

Star Wars or any other TV or Movie related theme

All of the above would require licensing deals.

Licensing deals are the best way to differentiate yourself from the competition.

For all niches, ads should feature the consumer(s) sitting in front of the TV or at their computer using the blanket, in a way that we can see the feet in the pocket (somehow!).

Before and after / with blanket vs with other alternatives could be a fun & funny way to present the advantages of the Bombfy B’s foot pockets.

How to Proceed:

1. Start with creating an Executive Summary and Financials. Consider the items below in creating them; they will become living documents that you can refine as you learn and implement. Convince yourselves that you have a plan that is realistic and that you are confident you can execute.

2. Determine the $$ volume of sales that would need to be done in the winter 2019/2020 season in order for it to earn them enough to do this full time

3. Based on (2), determine which strategy or strategies to pursue that are most likely to lead to this level of success.

4. Put plan together to execute selected strategies.

5. Licensing deal(s) in place `by end of July.

6. Testing and refinement of manufacturing, packaging, ordering and fulfillment systems - April and July

7. Finalize quantity and number of SKUs of each to order by early August

"Round 2 of Ready, Fire, Aim"" of my Adventures in Capitalism (through propelling young student-entrepreneurs into their own business) started with my invitation to the Quarterly Dinner and next morning's Advisory Board Meeting of SDSU's Lavin Entrepreneurship Center. The Lavin Center is generously supported by both the Lavin Family of Alberto Culver Fame and the Zahn Family of the Moxie Foundation. The picture below is from that dinner in early December.

PJB III

Since that kind invitation, I have met with and interacted extensively with a number of individuals that I met that evening and the morning afterwards. In addition to replicating my "Ready Fire, Aim" Program from 14 years ago at ASU's Barrett Honors College by helping the BomfyB.com founders, I have already had my "Discovery Call" with a second graduate of the Lavin Entrepreneurship Center's wonderful Program and am "templating" that process to help any and all student-entrepreneurs from the 200 students who may need capital and mentoring to take their student projects to market with the greatest chance of success.

Perhaps an even greater help that I may be for SDSU's Lavin Entrepreneurship Center is my independent process of raising much needed donations to the school and the Program, engineered from my first stint at treaching entrepreneurship in 2005 and spelled out on a recently published article on the link below. Our "beta test" with the first potential benefactor is in-process as we speak and poses to generate millions of dollars on behalf of this worthy cause.

Charitable Fundraising

In short, I'm back with "Ready, Fire, Aim" Round 2.

UPDATE

Carlos Cortes, Co-Founder of Bomfy B. , Paid Media Manager at Captura Group

January 10, 2019, Carlos worked with Peter in the same group

“In such a short amount of time of meeting Peter through a mentor, he has helped myself and business partner more than we could have ever asked for. Along with the many ventures that he has going on, he is on a mission to help the next generation of entrepreneurs get their foot in the door and start making their dreams become a reality. Peter has opened up his network to us without hesitation and has already opened many doors for my company, Bomfy B., and we're just getting started. If you are a young entrepreneur and want to take that next big step in getting your venture off the ground, please do yourself a favor and get into contact with him! ��

Cooper Lopez, Instagram Expert, Jumper, Media Account Executive, Content Management & Social Media Strategy, Co-Founder of Bomfy B.

January 10, 2019, Cooper worked with Peter in the same group

“My business partner Carlos and I were introduced to Peter through one of our mentors from San Diego State University when we were looking for experienced entrepreneurs to help us take our business, Bomfy B, to the next level. Not only is Peter currently helping us out with funding for our business, but he has also taken us under his wing, introduced us to several strategic partners, and become a new mentor to our business. Anyone one starting a business or involved in entrepreneurship in San Diego should definitely add Peter to their network and reach out if they are looking for ways to fund their startup.”

I was thrilled to receive these two heartfelt Linked In Recommendations of the first two (of hopefully many more) Lavin Entepreneurship Center grads. There are three more Lavin grads currently in the queue and we are systematizing the process of "Intake and Processing" for what we expect to be a burgeoning pipeline of young entrepreneurs seeking funding and mentorship for their student business projects.

To meet this demand, I have been working with UCSD's Director of Internships and am begining my interview process for filling the ranks with their very bright young people from both the Stateside and International students. I hope to work with SDSU's Internship Program too.

Follow the "Adventures in Capitalism" of Peter J. Burns III at www.peterjburns3.com.

#startup #funding #entrepreneur #peterjburnsiii #financing

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alexdmorgan30 · 6 years ago

Text

11 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart in Recovery

Heartbreak. At 14 or 54, we’ve all been there, but today we push through the pain, one-day-at-a-time, cold brew sober. And here’s what’s helping me now, because, despite what still feels like an endless volley of water balloons hitting concrete beneath my breastbone, the fibrillation is in my mind, not my chest cavity, and that scrappy muscle thumps on, still propping me upright each morning to face my new reality.1. Find that God of Your Understanding and Glom OnWhen I reached Step 3 with my sponsor, I got an assignment: flesh out your concept of a higher power, in writing. Lisa M. wanted detail, a God I could see and talk to, and grab by the elbow. And because I’m neither original nor progressive, I came up with a male God in human form — a cross between Santa Claus and Mr. T. to be exact. With a twinkle in his eye and a glint off his gold tooth, my HP is jolly and generous, strong and sexy, and funny as hell.And at this moment, when I’m finding myself on the sucky side of one-sided love, it’s not bad to have a real hunk who loves me for an HP. After an especially vicious salvo, when the heartbreak balloons start to leak out the eye sockets, I can HALT, remember the in-breath, and picture HP (and yes, predictably, I’m looking heavenward). Funny, his response is always the same: with bronzed torso and silver beard, forearms flexed and crossed over a white undershirt, the big man in the sky stares down at me, then starts nodding reassuringly. Suddenly, he flashes that easy smile and I know I’m good.2. Slam the SlogansH.A.L.T., Easy Does It, Turn It Over, Just for Today, Live and Let Live, This Too Shall Pass, When One Door Shuts Another Opens, Fear Is the Absence of Faith, The Elevator Is Broken - You’ll Have to Use the Steps. I’ve become something of a short-order chef when it comes to using a few well-chosen words to support my sobriety. Day and night, I sling slogans, flip affirmations, and call out quotes from famous dead people. I’ve scotched them to the inside of my kitchen cabinets, along with the 3rd, 6th, 7th and 11th step prayers. They are the comfort food my soul craves now. “Success is moving from failure to failure with no lack of enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill. “If you want to be loved, love and do loving things.” - Ben Franklin. Words that nourish, as I’m waiting for the kettle to boil. Having well-chosen words highly visible in the kitchen (or as a screensaver) can be a real lifesaver!3. Phone TherapyAnd here’s a slogan I’m slamming hard today: “We drank alone, but we don’t stay sober alone.” The old timers carried quarters, and I make sure I leave home with my phone fully-charged. I listen to a morning meditation walking to the train, text three newcomers on the platform, compose a longer text to my sponsor in transit, then dial my best sober gal pal as I push through the turnstile on the final leg to work. I send silly GIFs to lift spirits, including mine, and add a trail of emoji butterflies, praying hands, and peace signs. By 8:00 a.m., the lonely in me already feels not so alone.4. Explore PodcastsRecovery Radio Network, Joe and Charlie, and the Alcoholics Anonymous Radio Show are three in my queue. On my lunch hour or driving upstate, I take 30-60 minutes to laugh, cry, and identify…5. Make a Gratitude ListMy first sober Christmas, going through a divorce with two kids still believing in Santa, the above-mentioned sober gal pal suggested I find ten things for which I was grateful, save them to my phone, and recite them like a mantra through the Twelve Days of Christmas. I did:1. My sobriety 2. My sons 3. AA program of recovery 4. AA fellowship 5. Food in my stomach 6. Roof over my head 7. Colombian coffee 8. My dog 9. My extended family 10. God (HP has since moved up to the #1 slot)It worked. I said no to nog that first Yuletide, and made merry for my sons instead. And counting off my blessings still works today, when I’m a shallow-breathing shell just going through the motions.6. Make an Extended Gratitude ListWhen the restless, irritable and discontent in me keeps spilling the glass half-full and this positive punch list isn’t getting me over the hump, I pour out ten more things to celebrate, like: my pre-war bathtub, which holds upwards of 60 gallons of bubble bath and the fact that I live within easy walking distance of two subway lines so I can always get into the city on weekends.7. Make Meetings“Meeting Makers Make It,” “Get Sober Feet,” “Carry the Body, the Mind Will Follow.” These three slogans in particular encouraged me as a newcomer, and I’m calling upon them now, in cardiac arrest, when my heart needs serious heartening. So I’m hitting my home group, and getting hugs from retirees with double-digit sobriety who pass fresh Kleenex and envelop in equanimous smiles. I’m also checking out other meetings across town, then going out for...8. Fellowship AfterwardsI’ve started tucking my Boggle into my handbag when I head out to my Friday night meeting. At the secretary’s report, I pull out the box, shake it, and invite anyone interested to a nearby diner for passable pie a la mode and a few rounds of a three-minute word game. Sometimes it’s Yahtzee. We roll the dice and down bottomless cups of bad coffee. Last week someone brought cards, and I lost badly at hearts (ha!). It’s good, wholesome fun, and by the time I hit my pillow, I’ve significantly pared down the number of waking hours I could have spent obsessing over-ahem-HIM.9. Self-CareSelf-care is somewhat self-defined. These days, after I’ve covered the basics—eat, sleep, bathe—I’m noodling what more I can do to support my mental, physical, and spiritual self. Prone to self-pity and self-indulgence just now, self-care is really urgent-care. So I ask: am I under-meditating and over-caffeinating? Am I speeding up at speed bumps? Am I four months behind in balancing my bank statement? Am I using money to buy what money can’t buy and damn the consequences? Am I treating every Monday like Cyber Monday and abusing the free delivery feature of Amazon Prime? Have I forgotten yoga and found red velvet cake in Costco’s freezer? Are my spot checks spotty lately because I just don’t want to cop to this alcoholic acting out, and instead keep blunting the full force of feeling??? Yes to all of the above. And this leads me back to Step 2: turn to top management for a takeover.Working Steps 2 and 3 is probably the most caring thing I’m doing for myself today: seeing the unmanageable, then seeing the way out. And also forgiving myself for these self-indulgent splurges. So what that I’ve added three pounds to my midline and three pairs of silver sandals to my shoe rack? The rent is paid, and my latchkey kids still let themselves in after school and seem content to eat my crockpot soup and call this home.10. Get on your Hobby HorseWhen was the last time you read “Chapter 6: Getting Active” in Living Sober, that handy paperback that’s not just for newcomers? This month I’ve been making good use of subsection 6B: “Activity not related to A.A.”The anonymous authors suggest “trying a new hobby” or “revisiting an old pastime, except you-know-what” (Yea, Amstel Light). Fat chance I’ll pick up cabinetmaking, leathercraft or macramé, but I am baking granola and simmering bone broths.I’m also revisiting my adolescence with amateur YouTube ballet routines by hammy-thighed figure skaters and dancing to Heavy D. music videos late into a Saturday night. I’m choosing happy music over sad, and tuning in to The Messiah, not Blue Christmas.I’m even considering “Starting on long neglected chores” like editing my nearly obsolete recipe binder, now that I’ve found Pinterest. And while I can’t claim to be going out of my way “Volunteering to do some useful service,” I am trying to be more useful on my job. And just as helping a newcomer find a meeting helps me, helping a kid graph algebraic equations makes me feel purposeful (when otherwise I feel like a mess).11. Become a card-carrying member of the “No Matter What Club”For God’s sake, whatever skillful or unskillful actions you end up taking during this time of triage, please don’t drink over him or her. They are not worth it. (And I’d put money down—money that I don’t have—on a bet that they’d agree with me.)Voila! My top eleven tips to help you over the hump of heartbreak! Take what you like and leave the rest.Have you had your heart broken in recovery? How did you heal? Let us know in the comments.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://bit.ly/2U3i5gZ

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pitz182 · 6 years ago

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11 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart in Recovery

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emlydunstan · 6 years ago

Text

11 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart in Recovery

Heartbreak. At 14 or 54, we’ve all been there, but today we push through the pain, one-day-at-a-time, cold brew sober. And here’s what’s helping me now, because, despite what still feels like an endless volley of water balloons hitting concrete beneath my breastbone, the fibrillation is in my mind, not my chest cavity, and that scrappy muscle thumps on, still propping me upright each morning to face my new reality.1. Find that God of Your Understanding and Glom OnWhen I reached Step 3 with my sponsor, I got an assignment: flesh out your concept of a higher power, in writing. Lisa M. wanted detail, a God I could see and talk to, and grab by the elbow. And because I’m neither original nor progressive, I came up with a male God in human form — a cross between Santa Claus and Mr. T. to be exact. With a twinkle in his eye and a glint off his gold tooth, my HP is jolly and generous, strong and sexy, and funny as hell.And at this moment, when I’m finding myself on the sucky side of one-sided love, it’s not bad to have a real hunk who loves me for an HP. After an especially vicious salvo, when the heartbreak balloons start to leak out the eye sockets, I can HALT, remember the in-breath, and picture HP (and yes, predictably, I’m looking heavenward). Funny, his response is always the same: with bronzed torso and silver beard, forearms flexed and crossed over a white undershirt, the big man in the sky stares down at me, then starts nodding reassuringly. Suddenly, he flashes that easy smile and I know I’m good.2. Slam the SlogansH.A.L.T., Easy Does It, Turn It Over, Just for Today, Live and Let Live, This Too Shall Pass, When One Door Shuts Another Opens, Fear Is the Absence of Faith, The Elevator Is Broken - You’ll Have to Use the Steps. I’ve become something of a short-order chef when it comes to using a few well-chosen words to support my sobriety. Day and night, I sling slogans, flip affirmations, and call out quotes from famous dead people. I’ve scotched them to the inside of my kitchen cabinets, along with the 3rd, 6th, 7th and 11th step prayers. They are the comfort food my soul craves now. “Success is moving from failure to failure with no lack of enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill. “If you want to be loved, love and do loving things.” - Ben Franklin. Words that nourish, as I’m waiting for the kettle to boil. Having well-chosen words highly visible in the kitchen (or as a screensaver) can be a real lifesaver!3. Phone TherapyAnd here’s a slogan I’m slamming hard today: “We drank alone, but we don’t stay sober alone.” The old timers carried quarters, and I make sure I leave home with my phone fully-charged. I listen to a morning meditation walking to the train, text three newcomers on the platform, compose a longer text to my sponsor in transit, then dial my best sober gal pal as I push through the turnstile on the final leg to work. I send silly GIFs to lift spirits, including mine, and add a trail of emoji butterflies, praying hands, and peace signs. By 8:00 a.m., the lonely in me already feels not so alone.4. Explore PodcastsRecovery Radio Network, Joe and Charlie, and the Alcoholics Anonymous Radio Show are three in my queue. On my lunch hour or driving upstate, I take 30-60 minutes to laugh, cry, and identify…5. Make a Gratitude ListMy first sober Christmas, going through a divorce with two kids still believing in Santa, the above-mentioned sober gal pal suggested I find ten things for which I was grateful, save them to my phone, and recite them like a mantra through the Twelve Days of Christmas. I did:1. My sobriety 2. My sons 3. AA program of recovery 4. AA fellowship 5. Food in my stomach 6. Roof over my head 7. Colombian coffee 8. My dog 9. My extended family 10. God (HP has since moved up to the #1 slot)It worked. I said no to nog that first Yuletide, and made merry for my sons instead. And counting off my blessings still works today, when I’m a shallow-breathing shell just going through the motions.6. Make an Extended Gratitude ListWhen the restless, irritable and discontent in me keeps spilling the glass half-full and this positive punch list isn’t getting me over the hump, I pour out ten more things to celebrate, like: my pre-war bathtub, which holds upwards of 60 gallons of bubble bath and the fact that I live within easy walking distance of two subway lines so I can always get into the city on weekends.7. Make Meetings“Meeting Makers Make It,” “Get Sober Feet,” “Carry the Body, the Mind Will Follow.” These three slogans in particular encouraged me as a newcomer, and I’m calling upon them now, in cardiac arrest, when my heart needs serious heartening. So I’m hitting my home group, and getting hugs from retirees with double-digit sobriety who pass fresh Kleenex and envelop in equanimous smiles. I’m also checking out other meetings across town, then going out for...8. Fellowship AfterwardsI’ve started tucking my Boggle into my handbag when I head out to my Friday night meeting. At the secretary’s report, I pull out the box, shake it, and invite anyone interested to a nearby diner for passable pie a la mode and a few rounds of a three-minute word game. Sometimes it’s Yahtzee. We roll the dice and down bottomless cups of bad coffee. Last week someone brought cards, and I lost badly at hearts (ha!). It’s good, wholesome fun, and by the time I hit my pillow, I’ve significantly pared down the number of waking hours I could have spent obsessing over-ahem-HIM.9. Self-CareSelf-care is somewhat self-defined. These days, after I’ve covered the basics—eat, sleep, bathe—I’m noodling what more I can do to support my mental, physical, and spiritual self. Prone to self-pity and self-indulgence just now, self-care is really urgent-care. So I ask: am I under-meditating and over-caffeinating? Am I speeding up at speed bumps? Am I four months behind in balancing my bank statement? Am I using money to buy what money can’t buy and damn the consequences? Am I treating every Monday like Cyber Monday and abusing the free delivery feature of Amazon Prime? Have I forgotten yoga and found red velvet cake in Costco’s freezer? Are my spot checks spotty lately because I just don’t want to cop to this alcoholic acting out, and instead keep blunting the full force of feeling??? Yes to all of the above. And this leads me back to Step 2: turn to top management for a takeover.Working Steps 2 and 3 is probably the most caring thing I’m doing for myself today: seeing the unmanageable, then seeing the way out. And also forgiving myself for these self-indulgent splurges. So what that I’ve added three pounds to my midline and three pairs of silver sandals to my shoe rack? The rent is paid, and my latchkey kids still let themselves in after school and seem content to eat my crockpot soup and call this home.10. Get on your Hobby HorseWhen was the last time you read “Chapter 6: Getting Active” in Living Sober, that handy paperback that’s not just for newcomers? This month I’ve been making good use of subsection 6B: “Activity not related to A.A.”The anonymous authors suggest “trying a new hobby” or ��revisiting an old pastime, except you-know-what” (Yea, Amstel Light). Fat chance I’ll pick up cabinetmaking, leathercraft or macramé, but I am baking granola and simmering bone broths.I’m also revisiting my adolescence with amateur YouTube ballet routines by hammy-thighed figure skaters and dancing to Heavy D. music videos late into a Saturday night. I’m choosing happy music over sad, and tuning in to The Messiah, not Blue Christmas.I’m even considering “Starting on long neglected chores” like editing my nearly obsolete recipe binder, now that I’ve found Pinterest. And while I can’t claim to be going out of my way “Volunteering to do some useful service,” I am trying to be more useful on my job. And just as helping a newcomer find a meeting helps me, helping a kid graph algebraic equations makes me feel purposeful (when otherwise I feel like a mess).11. Become a card-carrying member of the “No Matter What Club”For God’s sake, whatever skillful or unskillful actions you end up taking during this time of triage, please don’t drink over him or her. They are not worth it. (And I’d put money down—money that I don’t have—on a bet that they’d agree with me.)Voila! My top eleven tips to help you over the hump of heartbreak! Take what you like and leave the rest.Have you had your heart broken in recovery? How did you heal? Let us know in the comments.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.thefix.com/11-ways-heal-broken-heart-recovery

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twentysomethinginorlando · 7 years ago

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Pulse: Working Universal On Orlando's Darkest Day

New Post has been published on https://twentysomethinginorlando.com/pulse-one-year-later/

Pulse: Working Universal On Orlando's Darkest Day

On June 12th, 2016 a shooter entered the Pulse LGBT nightclub and slaughtered forty-nine innocent people. You always see stories of mass shootings on the news, or online, and you feel for the victims and become angry at this country’s lack of gun control, but there’s a level of devastation I didn’t know was possible when it’s your city.

I was not involved in the Pulse shooting. I have actually never been to the club, and I’m not sure I had heard of it before then. I did not personally know any of the victims, but I want to talk about what it was like to be in Orlando that horrible day. Occasionally I need to write things just to write them, and this is one of those times. Some of these may not be in the correct order, but I know they happened that day.

At the time, I was a Team Member at Universal’s Islands of Adventure on the opening team for Skull Island: Reign of Kong. Our first soft open had been on June 9th during my last shift. I hadn’t been there the two days in between.

My alarm went off around 4 a.m. I was scheduled from 6 a.m. to 4 p.m., but with the bus and getting into costume I had to leave about an hour and a half before my start time. I groggily rolled out of bed and began the stumble around my apartment to get ready. I remember checking my phone and seeing a friend of mine had posted about a shooting at an Orlando night club. I am ashamed to admit I remember rolling my eyes and thinking, “Not another one.” I didn’t click on the article. I dismissed it, thinking it was probably a drive by of some sort with minimal damage. I wish I had been right.

The bus is always quiet in the morning, no one really talks because we’re all still waking up. I played Words With Friends against my mom. It seemed like a normal day.

I had no idea the gravity of the situation until I arrived in the Kong break room. The television mounted over the engineers table was on the news, and I got a sick feeling in my stomach. It was Latin night at an LGBT night club called Pulse. It was about 5:45 a.m. at this point, so the news reports were still just starting to roll in. The death toll was being estimated in the twenties, and I had no idea how bad things would get. I didn’t want to run the risk of waking my mom up so I sent her a Facebook message asking her to call my grandmother and tell her I was okay. I knew she would panic as soon as she saw Orlando on the news and wouldn’t stop until someone talked to her.

Universal shifts always begin with a meeting in which the leads (supervisors in Universal speak) go over the expectations for the day. This one included two of our managers, saying if we needed anything to let them know. The whole room was generally silent and we headed to our positions.

I get a lot of questions about what happens when you work a ride that isn’t actually open yet. It is basically a whole lot of sitting around with the occasional button pushing if you are inside the building, and pretending to be a parrot answering the same questions over and over outside the building. We usually had four or five greeters up at any given time during those days, or had indoor positions that were not necessary for cycling (like groupers and glasses) stationed outside to help with guest questions. An average rotation was a spot inside, a spot out front, a spot inside and then break.

I was at unload with a kid named Mark*, who apparently frequented Pulse and his friends had invited him out last night. He was understandably freaking out, and kept going on at length about what if he had gone. He then insisted he was going to get his parents to help him get a gun to keep under his bed, and I had to resist the urge to tell him it wouldn’t help. Another guy, Dave*, joined us and did everything he could to change the subject. We wound up in a lengthy discussion about the woes of not being able to get Chick-fil-a on Sundays.

Everyone processes differently.

I got my lunch around 10:30 a.m., and the news reports were showing much higher numbers. I stared at my peanut butter sandwich, I didn’t feel much like eating. Between the news on the television screen and social media, it was non-stop. I have a friend from my college program who is now a camera man for the local news and he was one of the first on the scene, so I was getting his updates live from Facebook. The death count was now estimated to be up to fifty. My mom still hadn’t viewed the message I sent her, so I called my grandmother myself to tell her I was okay. She asked if my friends were okay, and I had to tell her I didn’t know. I sent one of my best friends from home a text message, asking him to humor me and stay out of night clubs for a while. He told me not to worry. I don’t think he had realized what had happened yet.

I went down to Badging, which was the position where you sat at the door to the building making sure people had the right credentials to enter. One of my leads came in, Becca*, with this quiet, sad look on her face. I had never seen her not in a good mood, and I asked if she was okay.

“Yeah, just my boyfriend is at the hospital waiting on someone.” She left, and Dave showed up a few minutes later, sitting on the stairs with his phone in his hand.

“I couldn’t take it in the break room anymore, so I’ll just hang out with you.”

“Are you okay?” Stupid question. No one was okay, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah, it’s just… it’s hard,” his phone buzzed, “when you have someone…” He trailed off, tearing up, then stood up and ran out the door.

A little later, Becca and another lead, Ethan* were looking at the rotation board trying to figure out where Dave was. I told him he left all of a sudden after he got a text message. Becca huffed in frustration that he should have asked first, and Ethan said he’d take care of it. I later heard him tell one of the managers he had let Dave leave.

The guests in the park seemed to have no clue it was anything but an ordinary day. I’m not surprised. People take on a whole new mind set on vacation and shut the real world out. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and my chest felt hollow.

Around noon, some of the closers started showing up. They weren’t scheduled to come in until 4 p.m., but they knew we would be short staffed. We weren’t really short yet, but this allowed people who wanted or needed to leave to do so. I told the leads I would stay until 6 p.m. if they needed me to.

I got my next break close to 1 p.m., and by then the safety check on Facebook had been activated. I had requests pending from friends all over the country to know if I was okay. I checked in and sent requests to a few of my Orlando friends who hadn’t responded yet. Only a handful were unaccounted for, and that was a big weight off my shoulders. Several friends commented their relief and then one of my relatives said, “Knew not the kind of place you’d be at!” I resisted the urge to go off on her. If I still went out, Pulse was exactly the kind of place I would be.

With the exception of Atlantic City Dance Hall, and that barely counts, I have not been to a night club in Orlando. However, I used to frequent one in particular in Knoxville, before it closed: the Carousel II, Knoxville’s LGBT bar. Two of my best friends came out in high school as gay, and two more as bisexual. A lot of my favorite people I met in college are gay, so that was where we went on Friday nights.

The friend from home I had texted earlier messaged me to see if I was okay. He had seen the updated news reports and promised he’d be careful. As if being careful could help anyone in a situation like this, but it made me feel a little better. I still hadn’t heard from my mom. Names were slowly starting to be released. We didn’t know if Universal had lost anyone yet.

It was about then I stumbled on a certain presidential candidate’s tweet and my blood started to boil. I was already angry enough that it was being labeled domestic terrorism instead of a hate crime. I threw my phone in my locker and bumped back in. The day that seemed it would never end dragged on.

Word started spreading that management was saying we had a choice if we wanted to soft open that afternoon or not, that the park executives said Kong could stay closed if we wanted. I never found out if that was true or not, but I would have chosen to open. It wasn’t fair we were the only ones given that option.

I was back at Badging when the rest of the closers arrived. My friend Colin* came through and stopped to hug me, thanking me for asking if he was safe.

I was at exit greeter when we opened, and instantly our line was over two hours. Soft opens, or technical rehearsals as Universal calls them, are a tricky business. We try to operate as normal and allow people to ride, but we can literally shut down at any moment. Protocols are still being established and nothing is routine the way it is at a regular attraction. As luck would have it, this would be one of our first evacuations.

I helped evacuate Pirates of the Caribbean a million times. Even the new Cast Members have a decent idea of what they’re doing because they’ve got experienced Cast to follow. We had nothing to go off. This is where I saw one of the main differences for working at Disney vs. Universal. At Disney, you do not allow people to enter a line for a down attraction and you dump the line before you go to an evacuation. At Universal, people could still get in line and we didn’t dump the queue until we knew it would be a long downtime. Since we were in technical rehearsal, we were told to stop people from entering or reentering the line.

The reentering was where I started running into problems. People with family in the line that had left to use the bathroom couldn’t get back in, small children that had gotten hungry or just people who had gotten too hot and wanted a drink. Needless to say, they weren’t happy. I came up with the best compromise I could, they could wait with me. If and when we reopened, I would help them get back to their family. For a lot of guests, that wasn’t good enough, but I didn’t know what else to do.

A Team Member from Universal Hollywood arrived and showed me his ID. I don’t know who he was, but his ID was the kind that meant he was someone important. He told me had talked to Cameron*, one of our leads, earlier about getting on when we opened. I told him we were down, but if he wanted to wait I would get him and his two friends escorted up as soon as we opened. He was fine with that, and we started chatting. After about the fifth person yelled at me, the girl with him looked at me and said, “You’re having a bit of a day, aren’t you?” “You have no idea. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news, but it’s been pretty stressful. I’ve got friends who I still don’t know about.” “You poor thing!”

Six o’clock came and went, but I didn’t want to bother my leads about letting me go home. We finally reopened and I got on my radio to find someone who could walk the guests up since I couldn’t leave my spot. Cameron answered me, “Hey Chelsea, your bump out is coming.” “Great! That’s not why I’m calling. I need guests escorted up the exit, but I can take them myself when the bump comes.” I took the guests up with a special needs family that had appeared while we were waiting, and they thanked me. The girl said she hoped everything would turn out okay.

I grabbed my gear and headed out, I finally had a text message from my mother: “Haven’t heard from you. Hope you’re doing okay.” My mom is the most wonderful person in the world, and she normally knows about things happening in Orlando before I do, I don’t know how she missed this.

Actually, I do. It turns out the news in Tennessee was barely reporting it.

I waited until I changed back into my street clothes and was in the parking lot to call her. “Largest shooting in American history in my city, no, I am not okay.”

She hadn’t even seen anything about it until late afternoon. “I never dreamed you would know people!” She kept apologizing, and after my initial anger wore off I told her it was okay. I think she’s now got like twelve different news alerts for Orlando set up. She hadn’t noticed my Facebook message until late in the day, and I told her I had already called my grandmother. She asked what my plan for the night was and I just wanted to go home and try to process.

My Facebook feed was flooded with posts. People waiting six hours to donate blood, blood banks turning people away and asking them to come back later, vigils being scheduled. Watching the community come together was the one bright spot in an extremely dark day. I also saw some of my LGBT friends on the far side of the country posting about the lack of response they were seeing in their own cities, that they felt this horrendous hate crime at Pulse was being ignored in the straight community. I hurried to correct them.

Screen shot from tumblr.

Screenshot from tumblr.

I completed two versions of the same painting the following week, the word “‘Ohana” in white on a rainbow background. It wasn’t much, but it was something I needed to do. I gave one to the friend who I had texted asking to stay out of clubs for a while, and I still have the other one. I had an idea for another painting that I never got around to, and the concept would eventually become the Twenty Something In Orlando logo. I’m hoping to complete the actual painting soon and find something meaningful to do with it.

It’s been a year, and the sick feeling in my stomach returned this morning listening to the radio. The station I usually listen to was broadcasting live from Pulse, and that left me bouncing between the other two stations I have on preset. One was also very somber in remembrance, and the other one, which I have stopped listening to their morning show because their host is a conservative, close-minded moron, was talking about how they were “going on with their lives” because if they didn’t it would be “letting them win”.

I don’t know who “them” is, but yes life goes on. Orlando will never forget the tragedy at Pulse, but we will overcome. Love will always overcome hate, and we are stronger together.

*Name has been changed.

#orlandostrong #orlandounited #pulse #Memories

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