#the part that makes me mad is the random change in my decade+ old license with no notice

[threadmonster]

It's kind of bullshit that I have owned a software for over a decade and then suddenly I have to upgrade my license to use it on multiple PCs, as if I haven't had it on multiple devices for years. My license terms suddenly says one windows/Mac device. I literally have it activated on two different computers as we speak (⁠눈⁠‸⁠눈⁠)

[rsdwn-md]

From the Inside:  Excerpts From a Journal Made Five Months into Lockdown

The year rolled with a certainty of a made promise: I was going to earn my medical license on time. The end of postgraduate internship was five months away. My words have become more certain, my actions more exact, and my white coat heavier with responsibilities by the day. The timeline was neatly tabbed and slotted: celebrating my 6th graduation, swimming in the ocean, and leaving for Manila to review. After two decades of school, life felt like it was about to begin…until it was not made to.

Up north was a brewing catastrophe allegedly hidden from the rest of the world. People who spoke about it disappeared. A novel virus has robbed people of their gift to effortlessly breathe. The world is devoid of smiling faces. Word spread about cities being locked down and people spending their last breaths alone and in pain. The call to close the borders came like a distant warning: heard, but not listened to. As they say, it was just a flu. What’s a flu compared to tuberculosis? When you live on a hand-to-mouth wage, a pause is not an option. January went by with plans made for the future.

February came with a dash of fear. The virus made its presence known and my fingers were enough to count the cases in the country. Temperature checks were everywhere and health declaration forms piled up. Travel history was the most constant part of me seeing patients. Early on, I knew people were going to learn to lie and they did. Supplies of masks and vitamin C ran out that even working in a hospital did not give me any advantage. Deep down, I knew whatever it was would linger. I’ve never wanted to be massively wrong in my life with thorough and exacting conviction until that day.

I was an OB intern when it was announced halfway through March that we’re pulled out from our posts. Since then, I was in a whirl of fog, heart beating dully in my chest with a sense of time running out. The neatly tabbed timeline was gone. Will they extend my internship? Will they cancel my exam on September? It didn’t help that I was almost 27 and do not have much. Meanwhile, dead bodies piled up and people were mad and hungry. It occurs to me now that my days were pretty strange. I’d wake up early despite not sleeping much, starfish-splayed in my bed and staring at the ceiling. In this solitude, I have tried to either write or paint (again)…except I couldn’t. I was good at producing nothingness. Until one afternoon, I decided to go out, my back sighing and limbs aching from disuse. I have forgotten just how striking summer afternoons are. The sun was casting an extra hint of honey and gold against the walls and pavements. The leaves have taken off their dark green suits for rest and have worn themselves random strokes of yellow. A man cycling his fish ball kiosk passed by, he’d earned just enough for the day. The ground was covered with dried leaves and wilted wildflowers. The grasses finally couldn’t hold themselves up and had surrender to their unquenched thirst. Just like that, it was two days shy of May.

What happened next were nothing sort of what people were used to. People’s faces were covered, some with makeshift masks out of old clothes. It became increasingly difficult to explain to kids why they couldn’t play outside. Jobs lost, flights cancelled, hope running out. Donation drives grew like wild mushrooms, more and more people were needing help to make it. It felt wrong to smile and some days, it was difficult to find reason to. Sleep refused to come at night and I was all wide awake with the canvass of millions of halted plans and uncertain lives. Does it get any better? Will it ever end? All I can hear is the anguish of family members survived by these premature deaths. No one deserved to die alone and in the streets, but it happened. I could only watch from my sorry privilege.

More months passed and I graduated from internship. My 27th birthday came. A lot had to quit jobs. Few started their own businesses while others closed theirs. Relationships broke and made. Most painfully, my exam was postponed. Time was not on my side. Pointing where it hurt was difficult because it ached everywhere. Life went on and I have learned to tag along its course, with little energy to complain or even hope. Alone in my bedroom, I watch the numbers rise. I felt so inadequate knowing I was also a nurse before this chapter of my life and I couldn’t be out there and help. Debt rose to an amount I don’t even encounter in gradeschool Math. Breathing just a little deeper run with risks. Some days I’m lucky to experience transient joy. I hold on to those.

From where I am, rain has replaced the scorching sun and people have started to wear their hats and jackets. The bees have frequented the sunflowers blooming their fullest along the bike lanes. People have started to go back to their jobs. I am reviewing from home for my exam. From the inside, I’m finding the simple charm nested in life’s quotidian details. Except that the virus is still out there lurking, waiting for another host.

Maybe one day it could go back to how it used to be. Maybe it won’t and we will adapt with the change. Nothing is certain in this world. But you can believe in something.

I can only write this to remember.

[juniperallura]

what about uhhhhhhhh hunk and lance as little friends in like kindergarten who realize they have feelings as teenagers and there's some pining drama but ultimately everything turns out hunky dory and maybe pidge and keith are there

“Here we go-”

Lance’s hand, fumbling blindly around the long-neglected top shelf of his closet, finally landed on what he thought were his rain boots. He frowned as he pulled it out; the box was too light, too small, its edges well worn. A thick coat of dust was chalky beneath his fingers- a quick puff sent motes flying into the air, and he could make out the childish scrawl on the lid: Lance & Hunk’s Leaf Collection- Don’t Touch!!

“-Lance! Look at this one!”

A huge leaf, yellow with veins of brilliant red, was thrust into his face. Then his friend’s grin peeked out from behind it. “Can we keep it?” Hunk asked.

Lance nodded and held out their box, already half full. He scanned the ground, careful only to crunch the pine cones underfoot and not ruin any potential botanical finds. One caught his eye- a faded green with some rounded edges and brown spots. “This one looks like my abuelo,” he said, showing Hunk the bulbous-nosed profile in the leaf.

Hunk squinted, leaning in toward Lance’s hand. “Where?”

“Right there!” Lance waved it in Hunk’s face. Hunk frowned. “You’re looking at it wrong, see?” He pivoted to bump Hunk’s shoulder, their heads leaning into one another as they surveyed the leaf from Lance’s point of view.

“O-oh, now I see it,” Hunk laughed, “Your grandpa is ugly!”

Lance scoffed, putting the leaf gently into the box. He tried to push his friend over, but as always Hunk was steady as rock. “That’s mean! My mom says you can’t be mean about dead people!” Hunk still wouldn’t budge, so Lance settled for pulling his hood over his eyes and blowing a raspberry.

“I’m sorry.” Hunk pushed the fabric off his forehead with a smile. “You can be mean about my grandpa if you want- he’s still alive, though.”

“No, it’s okay,” Lance turned away, hiding a mischievous smile over his shoulder, “I’ll just do…this!” He reached down, grabbing a fistful of leaves and tossing them into Hunk’s face.

“Hey,” Hunk cried as Lance jogged away with a gleeful cackle, “No fair!” With a grin he scooped up as much colorful foliage as he could and ran after his friend, launching it at Lance’s back.

A few minutes later found the two boys laying shoulder to shoulder on the ground, gasping for breath between giggles. Leaves poked out from the hoods and sleeves of their jackets, evidence of their little war. Lance gazed up at the trees. “I can’t wait to show Miss Penny our collection.” 

“Me too. We’re gonna have the best show and tell in the class.” Hunk and Lance looked at each other with mirrored grins. 

A voice echoed from behind them, “Tsuyoshi! Time to go!”

Hunk clamored up from the leaf pile. “My mom’s calling. Can you keep it ‘til show and tell?”

Lance stuck out his lip and knit his brows, throwing a stiff salute against his forehead. “I’ll guard it with my life!”

Hunk nodded, “Good.” He clasped Lance’s hand, helping him up, and then mimicked his salute. “See you tomorrow!” 

Lance blinked. He glanced out his bedroom window, where branches of deep orange reached toward a gray sky. The memory was an old one, back maybe more than a decade ago, but it was warm like it had only happened yesterday. Lance felt a twinge, deep in his chest. He and Hunk had always been like that- comfortable and warm and honest. They told each other everything, they put each other at ease. It had always been that way, from kindergarten to their junior year.

At least, until a couple weeks ago. Lance’s stomach did a flip just at the thought. 

“Augh,” he groaned, putting aside the box to flop back onto his bed. “Why do I have to ruin everything?”

It was all because of that stupid hayride. Pidge was the only smart one, protesting that she hated farms and that the outdoors were stupid and couldn’t they just stay home and watch Halloweentown? But of course the day fell during one of Keith’s random festive streaks, and Lance sure wasn’t going to stand in the way of a Hunk determined to get fresh apples for his apple upside-down cake (a seasonal tradition.)

So there Lance was, breaking out his freshly obtained driver’s license to putter out to Monte’s Farms in his mom’s old Saturn. It was a gorgeous day; the sky was bright, the changing leaves were out in full force, and the air had a crispness to it that only October could bring on its winds. 

Everyone was in high spirits as they climbed into the wooden wagon, Pidge and Keith taking the bale across from Hunk and Lance. It had the makings of a great adventure for the ol’ gang- until a breeze stirred up the hay and dust from the floor. Immediately, Pidge began to sneeze. One, then another. Then she coughed. Then three sneezes in a row. Then her eyes starting getting red. Another double sneeze-

“Pidge, maybe you shouldn’t be on this thing,” Lance raised a brow, fishing into his parka pocket for a tissue, “You’ve got mad allergies.”

“I’m- achoo! Fine,” she insisted, while gratefully accepting the tissue. “It’s just a little- sniff- dust. The ride’s only, what, five minutes? I’ll be fine.”

Hunk bit his lip. “Well, actually- it’s twenty.”

“Holy shit, I’m gonna die-” Pidge sneeze again. 

The other three exchanged glances. “Yeah, this might not have been the best idea for you,” Keith said, patting her on the shoulder, “Why don’t the two of us go check out the bakery instead? Maybe get some apple cider or something. They probably also have, I don’t know, chickens we can pet or whatever. And we’ll meet you two when you’re done getting apples.” He nodded at Hunk and Lance.

Everyone agreed and Pidge shuffled off with Keith, Hunk calling apologies between her sneezes. 

Hunk sighed, giving Lance a smile. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me.”

Lance smiled back, shoving his hands into his pockets. He knew it was probably better that Pidge got off the wagon, but for some reason he started feeling nervous the second she and Keith left. “Yeah, they’re missing out, this is gonna be the apple picking adventure of a lifetime.”

Hunk laughed, a clear, warm sound. “Maybe we’ll get pulled into an X-Files episode and get abducted by aliens from an orchard circle or something. They’ll be so pissed that they missed it, and we’ll be living it up in space!” He looked at Lance, topaz eyes crinkling with his smile. Then he frowned, thick brows knitting as he pulled a thoughtful expression. “But then I guess we’d all miss my upside-down cake, so maybe never mind.”

Lance nodded, but an actual answer didn’t make it to his mouth. He didn’t even notice Hunk’s words trailing off. Suddenly, all he could focus on was the lock of dark hair that had fallen over Hunk’s forehead, tickled by the breeze. And how Hunk’s lashes, short and thick, framed the gentle slope of his eyes. And had he been taking Lance’s fashion advice? Lance had always told him that that eggplant sweater picked up nice undertones in his skin, which even in the cool weather looked warmed by the sunshine. And he was wearing that scarf, the big plaid one that made Lance want to curl up next to him and lay his head on Hunk’s chest-

A cold gust jolted Lance back into himself. He had started drifting off like that recently— but somehow it only happened with Hunk. Lance blinked, a sudden consciousness of the warmth of Hunk’s knee against his making him shiver.

Hunk was looking at him, something soft, maybe, in his eyes. “Are you cold? I told you to wear an actual coat.” Before Lance could answer Hunk unwrapped his scarf and reached to drape it over the back of Lance’s neck.

“I know, I know, you’re always right,” Lance mumbled with a grateful smile. He arranged the fabric in loose loops around his neck, a strange quickness coming into his pulse as the scent of Hunk’s cologne wafted from so close around him. He forced himself not to think about it. “I should’ve brought gloves, too.” 

“Here-” Hunk laid his hand over Lance’s, which rested between them on the wooden bench. Not quite holding it, but Lance felt enveloped by the warmth of his touch. 

Lance looked away, letting his gaze fixate on the fields that rolled past them. He sat still, as still as he could on the rumbling wagon, as if the moment would shatter if he moved his hand. After a moment he glanced at Hunk- he was looking away, too. Lance swore his cheeks were flushed a deeper brown. Was he—?  Lance stopped himself, not daring to think any further, and tried not to smile as he buried his chin in Hunk’s scarf.

They sat in silence for awhile. Hunk’s hand still rested over Lance’s. Somehow they had gotten closer, their shoulders brushing whenever the wagon hit a bump. Lance let out a contented sigh. 

Hunk looked at him. “Hm?” he hummed.

“Just excited for apples. And aliens.”

“I know you’re more of a summer guy,” Hunk tilted his head, “But thanks for coming along. Fall’s my favorite season, I like to make it special, y’know?”

Lance flashed a smile, “Of course, man. You know that apple upside-down cake is the only thing that keeps me going, wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Hunk didn’t answer, only gave him a searching kind of look as the corner of his mouth pulled upward. Lance found himself staring at Hunk’s lips, not quite able to hold his gaze. He bit the inside of his cheek. He could still feel the warmth radiating from Hunk, and it set his heart pounding. Something possessed him to lean a little closer, pressing into Hunk’s sturdy arm. He tilted his head, his own lips parting, just slightly.

“Oh, ah-” Hunk cleared his throat, his head whipping to look over his other shoulder, “Looks like we’re here.”

Lance felt like he’d been doused with cold water. Hunk snatched his hand away as the wagon jolted to a stop. Lance sat frozen for a second while everyone else shuffled off the hayride.

Did he just try and kiss…Hunk?

It wasn’t until late that night, when Lance was staring wide-eyed into the darkness of his ceiling, that he could admit that yes, yes he had. 

Since then, things hadn’t been the same. Neither of them acknowledged it to the other, and Lance almost wondered if Hunk had even noticed; but it was clear that something had changed. All the normal stuff- talking in the hall, eating lunch, walking home from school- suddenly felt stiff, reserved. Pidge and Keith didn’t seem to notice anything, and Lance decided not to bring it up. How could he even explain what happened? It was like Lance had been hit by a lightning bolt months ago, maybe even years ago, and was only realizing it now.

Lance’s gaze flickered to the old box at the corner of his bed. Why did he have to complicate things? With Hunk, of all people. He heaved another sigh.

“Hey-” 

Lance nearly jumped out of his skin when a rasping knock and a familiar voice came from across the room. Hunk was standing in the doorway, pushing back wet hair from his forehead and unzipping a bright yellow rain jacket. “Your mom said you were up here-”

Hunk never knocked. They hadn’t even rang each other’s doorbells since second grade. Usually he’d be flopped on Lance’s bed by now, drumming on his stomach and chattering about some machine he was tinkering with. Lance swallowed. “Hey, yeah, come in.” He gestured to the shoe box, “I was just looking at this, found it in my closet earlier.”

Hunk sat on the edge of the mattress, a foot of space between his thigh and Lance’s. When he saw the box his face lit up and he grabbed it eagerly. “Our leaf collection! Oh man, I remember this— here’s the one that looked like your grandpa!” He picked up the leaf, now faded and brittle, and spun it gently by the stem.

Lance snorted. “My mom must’ve been telling me too many stories about people seeing Jesus in their toast, cause that does not look like Abuelo.”

“I think we were just desperate for a good show and tell. Remember when Kelsey Caldwell brought in her dad’s Oscar? What a show off.”

“Oh yeah, she still won’t shut up about it,” Lance rolled his eyes, “It was for best dance direction, who cares? My homecoming Snapchat story could’ve won that Oscar.” Hunk caught his eye and they burst into laughter- easily, like before.

But then they fell into silence. The nervous feeling began to churn in Lance’s stomach again as he searched for something to say. He was about to make some lame comment about the rain, but Hunk suddenly sucked in a breath and said, “Lance, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Lance blinked. A shiver ran down his spine but a wave of heat flooded his face. The churning in his gut turned to cold dread. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, Hunk, me too.” 

Hunk had pulled another leaf out of the box, turning it over in his hand and not meeting Lance’s eyes. “About the other day, at the farm, well, I wanted to apologize-”

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize-” Lance cut in, his cheeks burning, “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what happened, lately I’ve just been…confused, I dunno.”

Hunk frowned, almost crushing the leaf in his palm. “I- I know it was weird, so weird, and I get if I kinda ruined things, but- I just really don’t want to lose our friendship, y’know.” He smiled dryly at the shoe box. Lance & Hunk’s Leaf Collection. “So, if there’s any way I can make things normal again, or if you just need space, or if you just don’t want to hang out anymore-”

“Wait, Hunk-” Lance shook his head, his hand reaching to rest in the space between them, “What happened, it’s not on you. I made things weird, but I don’t wanna lose our friendship, either. You- you mean the world to me.” He looked down at his lap, then forced himself to look over at Hunk. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.”

An expression came into Hunk’s face like he’d been struck by lightning. He was silent for a long beat, but when he spoke his words came tumbling out, “Wait, wait, wait. I-I don’t understand. You tried to kiss me? But that doesn’t make any sense because-” He bit his lip, slowing down and wringing his hands over his stomach. “’Cause, uh, I thought I was trying to kiss you…”

The world seemed to pull very, very far away and then come rushing back all at once. Lance’s thoughts were just radio static. All he managed was a dumb, “Oh.”

“I just, I dunno, realized that I kind of- like you. In, like, a kissing you way.” Hunk’s face was getting redder by the second. “But, I guess, if you were trying to kiss me too, then maybe I didn’t ruin everything, hopefully? And maybe this makes it less confusing, instead of more? And Lance please stop staring at me and say something-”

A smile spread over Lance’s face as something warm bloomed in his chest. He leaned forward, closing the space that sat empty between them, and pressed his lips gently against Hunk’s. He heard a little hum of surprise from Hunk’s chest, but then a warm hand reached out to cup the side of his face and Hunk kissed him properly. It was warm, honest, comfortable. As if a piece of the puzzle they hadn’t even known was missing had finally fallen into place.

Lance pulled away, just barely. Hunk smelled like the rain and the spice of cologne. “I like you too,” he whispered. It felt good to say. 

Hunk laid his hand over Lance’s, and this time they entwined their fingers, squeezing tightly as their lips met again.

[aion-rsa]

Venom: 15 Craziest Moments in Marvel History

https://ift.tt/2lKat46

As we get ready for the Venom movie, we take a look back at the oddball moments in the alien-clad character's Marvel history.

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Feature Gavin Jasper

venom

Oct 11, 2018

Spider-Man

Marvel

Ever since popping in during the late-80's, Venom has been popular enough to show up all over the place. He's been a vengeful supervillain and he's been a mentally-unhinged would-be superhero. He's been part of the Sinister Six and he's been part of the Secret Avengers. The costume has latched onto various hosts and three of them have been used as soldiers for the government. An inventive idea that's starred in more bad stories than good, the alien symbiote has found itself in a lot of crazy situations.

With the Venom movie on the way, I thought I'd take some time to look through Venom's history and some of the more eyebrow-raising moments. Except for anything from Spider-Man 3 because my therapist tells me I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

15. DR. DOOM'S ILL-DEFINED PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION

Spider-Man: The Video Game (1991)

The Spider-Man arcade game is fun to play, but good luck trying to make sense of the narrative. Having Black Cat accompany Spider-Man makes enough sense, but having Hawkeye and Namor as playable is just weird. At the end of the first level, you fight Venom. Once he's defeated, he's possessed by some mystical artifact and it enlarges him to about 25-feet-tall. After being beaten down to normal size again, he gives it another go and is once again wiped out. That appears to be the last you hear from him.

Late in the game, you find out that Kingpin isn't the game's big villain after all. He's working under Dr. Doom, meaning a trip down to Latveria for the climax. You'd think that taking out Dr. Doom (twice, since the first is a Doombot) would be the finale, but no. Once Doom is taken out, he unleashes the TRUE final boss! An army of Venoms literally rain from the top of the screen and you have to fight them all off. How random.

Coincidentally, Dr. Doom would unleash an army of symbiotes onto the populace in Bendis' Mighty Avengers many years later.

14. ALL ARMS ON DECK

Venom: The Madness (1993)

Ann Nocenti and Kelley Jones did a 3-issue arc with an interesting hook. See, Spider-Man was joined with a sentient parasite and thought it was too insane to keep around. Eddie Brock didn't have that opinion and gladly became Venom. So what if you added a third creature to the mix that drove Venom so insane that Eddie had to put his foot down and get rid of it?

After being stomped down on by Juggernaut to the point that he was inches from death, Venom was joined with a sentient virus made out of mercury. It healed him up and jacked up his strength, while at the same time giving him extra arms and tiny head sticking out of his neck because this is an Ann Nocenti comic. Unfortunately, Venom went a little too extreme and not in a good way. Like, he at one point attempted to rape his girlfriend because he was more impulsive than ever. It's seriously messed up.

Luckily, Juggernaut showed up for round two to interrupt that and Madness Venom was able to hold his own against the unstoppable one. He didn't get a chance to finish Juggernaut off because he's whisked away to a realm of madness, where he was attacked by dark copies of Spider-Man, Wolverine, and Ghost Rider. Comics!

13. SECRET SKELETON

What If #114 (1998)

The final issue of the 90's run of What If was a pretty cool one with a story based on Secret Wars. What if the Beyonder and Galactus killed each other and all the heroes and villains were stranded? 25 years later, we see a society where the survivors have paired up and reproduced. The main protagonists are the children of She-Hulk and Hawkeye, Wolverine and Storm, Human Torch and Wasp, Thor and Enchantress as well as Captain America and Rogue (try not to think too hard about how that one works). Remember, though, that this is based on the story where Spider-Man got his black costume. It's shown that he's still wearing it and with two and a half decades since its introduction, what could this mean?

Late in the story, the heroes all swarm Dr. Doom's castle and in one panel, Spider-Man is hit with one of Klaw's sonic blasts. It reveals that all that's left of Peter Parker is a skeleton. The symbiote has been controlling his remains like a puppet for who knows how many years. Yet this doesn't even faze Human Torch, who saves him and lends him a quip, as if he's long accepted that his buddy is just a pile of bones controlled by talking spandex.

12. ENDLESS FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Various (1993-1998)

This one isn't so much a "moment," but it's so deliciously 90's comics that I have to mention it. Back in that decade, Venom became popular enough to get his own run as an anti-hero in San Francisco...which then got him relocated to New York City because they needed those easy-to-write Spider-Man crossovers.

Except...Marvel had a peculiar way of running Venom's ongoing. On one hand, it really was an ongoing series. It started in February of 1993 and the last issue was January of 1998. Sixty issues across five years without a single month being off. On the other hand, they didn't treat it that way. There was no Venom #7. Rather than streamline all the comics into one easy-to-follow series, Marvel turned every single story arc into its own miniseries. What's going to sell better, a comic with a random number attached, or a Venom comic with a big #1 on the cover?

In the end, other than Venom #1-60, we got Venom: Lethal Protector #1-6, Venom: Funeral Pyre #1-3, Venom: The Madness #1-3, Venom: The Mace #1-3, Venom: The Enemy Within #1-3, Venom: Nights of Vengeance #1-4, Venom: Separation Anxiety #1-4, Venom: Carnage Unleashed #1-4, Venom: Sinner Takes All #1-5, Venom: Along Came a Spider #1-4, Venom: The Hunted #1-3, Venom: The Hunger #1-4, Venom: Tooth and Claw #1-3, Venom: On Trial #1-3, Venom: License to Kill #1-3, Venom: Sign of the Boss #1-2 and Venom: Finale #1-3. All that and a bunch of specials mixed in there. I guess marketing trumps a coherent reading order.

11. THE WAR IN FRANK CASTLE'S MIND

What If #44 (1992)

Kurt Busiek and Luke McDonnell collaborated for one hell of a comic in What If Venom Had Possessed the Punisher? Frank Castle stops into a church moments before Eddie Brock and because of this, he becomes the host for the symbiote. At first it helps him with his war on crime, but it begins to take over more and more and even tries to make him kill Spider-Man.

It all comes to a head when the Punisher fights Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Moon Knight on a rooftop. Spider-Man hits him with a sonic blast and it allows Frank to wrest control for just a moment. He shoots the sonic cannon and goes into a vegetative state. Inside his head, we see a really sweet sequence of Frank in his Vietnam gear as he feels himself being stalked by the creature. He changes into his Punisher duds, screams that he's not afraid, and fights the creature head on.

It's a completely badass scene, but the best part is still Moon Knight excitedly yelling that he's a creature of mysticism – AND THE MOON! Somehow saying that wins him the benefit of the doubt.

10. HE'S A DEMON ON WHEELS

Venom #36 (2013)

Cullen Bunn really did try to make his Venom run work, but a lot of the time, things never really clicked. In the latter part of his run, Flash Thompson Venom hangs out in Philadelphia and hunts down any information he can on crime boss Lord Ogre. Some criminals drive off and escape him and he's a bit disappointed that he doesn't have a ride of his own. He sees the husk of an old car with the wheels stripped off and gets an idea.

Existing for just one hell of a splash page, the Venom-Mobile shows that apparently the symbiote is able to work on machines too if the story calls for it. Either way, it's certainly a step up from the Spider-Mobile.

9. DOG IN THE EYE

Dark Reign: The Sinister Spider-Man #4 (2009)

Brian Reed and Chris Bachalo's take on Mac Gargan Venom is a super fun read, telling the story of a horndog cannibal who's treated by the media as a great hero. Under the guise of Spider-Man of the Dark Avengers, Venom causes all sorts of trouble and makes a million enemies in his wake. The climax is at a big festival in the middle of Time Square. Norman Osborn gives Bullseye and Daken the orders to take Gargan out, since he's more trouble than he's worth. Since Bullseye can make any object into a lethal weapon, he chooses to use a tiny yapping dog.

The dog doesn't kill Venom, but it does get lodged deep into his eye. Venom proceeds to fight off Bullseye, Daken, various gang members, and a group of half-eaten supervillains out for revenge...all while he has a dog in his eye. Once cooler heads prevail, he finally pops it out of his socket and discards the poor guy off into the distance.

8. THE SINISTER SPIDER-HAM

What The--?! #20 (1992)

Spider-Ham was a creation of the 80's and his star wore out before Venom's introduction. The character was reprised in the early 90's as part of Marvel's parody comic What The--?! Issue #20 features a crossover between various regulars of the series in an adventure called the Infinity Wart. Forbush Man, Spider-Ham, Milk & Cookies, and Wolverina team up and face their evil selves. For Spider-Ham, it's an excuse to introduce his Venom counterpart, Pork Grind.

Speaking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Pork Grind fights Spider-Ham and Milk & Cookies. He mostly manhandles them until Spider-Ham eats his spinach and punches him out. Coincidentally, this is not the last entry on the list to feature Austrian Venom.

7. EDDIE BROCK: SISTER OF PAIN

Venom: Sign of the Boss #1 (1997)

Venom's 90's series became delightfully silly by the end, partially because they introduced a plot device where the symbiote was placated by eating chocolate. Believe it or not, there's actually a really well-written explanation for why the symbiote is calmed by chocolate, but that's neither here nor there. During the last couple story arcs, Venom is forced to work as an agent for the government or else they'll detonate the bomb in his chest. He's given an assignment to lay low in a church for some big speech on peace by a foreign leader. If anyone makes a move, Venom is to be alerted to spring into action and stop the assassination, but not a moment sooner.

The symbiote is able to mimic any form of clothing and disguise Eddie in all sorts of ways. That makes it extra funny when of all disguises, Eddie wears a nun's habit and asks the choirboys to not sing quite as high-pitched as it gives him a bit of a headache. Some gun-carrying thugs take them hostage, but Venom has to wait until he gets clearance to reveal himself.

Once he does, he violently murders the henchmen in front of the children, not realizing that he's traumatizing them into oblivion. Once finished, he tells them that violence is more of an adult thing and offers a chocolate bar to one of the kids. Because of course he has a candy bar on him. The boy is practically catatonic in fear, especially when Venom yells, "Come on! Take it!" Then Venom gets all huffy and offended, not understanding why he isn't being thanked.

6. THE FRENCH KISS OF DEATH

Venom #11 (2004)

Daniel Way's Venom series from the mid-00's is really, really bad and should not be read ever. It's mean-spirited, overly-complicated, and has nothing resembling payoff whatsoever. It's also a comic where Venom himself – at least the Eddie Brock incarnation – doesn't show up until the 11th issue. You see, the symbiote terrorizing everyone all this time is a clone. #11 starts a three-issue story that explains the clone's origin.

It has to do with a fight where Venom beats on Spider-Man until the Fantastic Four arrive to stop him. At first, Thing is able to overpower Venom, until Venom fights back by making out with him...TO THE DEATH.

Venom shoving his tongue down Thing's throat is one of the grosser things I've seen in a comic, but it actually serves its narrative purpose. Human Torch burns the tongue off and Thing coughs it up. A bystander picks the tongue up, brings it home and tries to sell it on eBay. He's immediately made a target by an old man made out of nannites who is really the force behind Noah's Ark and—oh my God, I don't want to get into any more of the plot of this series. Moving on.

5. THE MOLOTOV COCKTAIL OF AWESOME

Venom #13.4 (2012)

During the Rick Remender Venom series, Flash Thompson Venom starred in a crossover called The Circle of Four. It's quite a brilliant little concept that took me a minute to grasp. In the 90s, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Hulk, and Ghost Rider teamed up to become the New Fantastic Four. Here we have a similar grouping with Venom, X-23, Red Hulk, and the female Ghost Rider that everyone's completely forgotten about five minutes after her series ended.

The four join forces to help save Las Vegas from the clutches of Blackheart, who is trying to create Hell on Earth. With the exception of X-23, the team joins together to make their own special version of Captain Planet, only more soul-shatteringly badass. Riding a giant motorcycle is Red Hulk, who has become the host for both the Spirit of Vengeance and the Venom symbiote. This is the cliffhanger before the final issue and it still makes me smile. I'm surprised the final issue isn't Blackheart throwing his hands up and saying, "Yeah, this isn't worth it. Sorry for all the trouble I caused, everyone," and going back to Hell where it's safer.

4. THE GROSSEST OF MATING HABITS

What If: The Other (2007)

The What If issue based on the Other tells the tale of Peter Parker refusing to break out of his cocoon and embrace his inner-spider. The world and his loved ones think he's dead, so he's going to keep it that way. The Venom symbiote senses that Peter's body is just sitting around, unused, and leaves Mac Gargan's body. It attaches itself to Peter's husk and is pretty pleased with being one with its original and favorite host once again. Peter has no consciousness to speak of, so the symbiote is completely running the show. Calling himself Poison, the creature confronts Mary Jane and wants her to be his mate. She tells him off and he leaves her be.

With Mary Jane not an option, Poison goes for an even grosser route. He spawns a symbiote offspring and uses it to control the rotting dead body of Gwen Stacy. You can thank Peter David for this piece of alien necrophilia incest. You can also thank him for...

3. THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME SMASHERS

Incredible Hulk vs. Venom (1994)

This is a comic released by Unicef that deals with Venom and Hulk fighting each other and then teaming up because a series of earthquakes are tearing apart San Francisco. A mad scientist calling himself Dr. Bad Vibes (not the villain from the C.O.P.S. cartoon, I checked) insists that he's been causing the earthquakes with his earthquake machine. Hulk has the mind of one of the world's greatest scientists and Venom is an accomplished journalist. Truly, they can put their minds together and figure out a great strategy in stopping Bad Vibes' reign of terror before it's too late.

Their plan is to quote Saturday Night Live.

Yes, they go into a news broadcast to do a Hans and Franz impression, complete with clapping. Honest to God, when I first read this scene, I had to put down the comic, get up, and just walk away because I simply could not deal with this.

2. DIAL-UP M FOR MURDER

Venom: Carnage Unleashed #4 (1995)

Thing with the symbiote is that the writers can tack on nearly any kind of ability and you can buy it because it's a blob from outer space that gives people super strength and copies Spider-Man's powers. Turns a car into a monster car? Sure, why not? Makes you immune to noxious gas? I buy it. Makes it harder for psychics to gain control? Makes sense to me.

Larry Hama created the most outlandish use of the symbiote's abilities with his Carnage Unleashed storyline. Carnage Unleashed – a story created based on the success of the Maximum Carnage video game – is about a Carnage-based video game that's become a big deal. It's about to be launched to the public with online multiplayer and Carnage's plan is to use this to his advantage and kill as many players as possible. How? By using his brand-new power of using the symbiote to travel through the internet!

The comic keeps stacking on more and more instances of, "Computers do not work that way!" that escalates to the point that Venom and Carnage are fighting inside cyberspace and it's being broadcast on the big screen in Time Square. Coincidentally, people are able to hear their banter despite, you know, there being no audio on that big screen. Venom wins when he sees a heat sink and destroys it, which causes a huge explosion that hurts them both and knocks them out of their computers. It is the stupidest, most glorious goddamn thing.

1. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

All-Access #1 (1996)

Ah, Access. For those of you who don't know or remember, Access was a superhero jointly owned by DC and Marvel whose job was to make sure that both worlds remained separate and don't bleed into each other. Considering they've been refusing to do a crossover since JLA/Avengers, it's been a pretty successful decade and a half. Way to go!

Following the events of Marvel vs. DC, Access starred in his own miniseries based on keeping the peace via cosmic segregation. In the first issue, Venom finds himself in Metropolis and Ron Marz chooses to forget that Venom is supposed to be kind of a good guy around this time. Instead, Venom goes on a rampage until Superman and his post-resurrection mullet arrive. This should be a simple fight. Superman moves planets with his bare hands and Venom is just a stronger Spider-Man with a bucket full of weaknesses.

Then Venom throws Superman around like a ragdoll. The two have several fights and each time, Venom absolutely humbles Superman, making him look like a complete joke. Access brings Spider-Man into the DC world to help fight Venom and even that isn't enough! Put Superman and Spider-Man together against one threat and he still kicks their asses.

The only reason Venom loses is because Access shows up with a giant sonic cannon loaned from STAR Labs. Afterwards, Spider-Man tells Superman that Eddie Brock was never easy to get along with, what with him being a newspaper reporter. Then Spider-Man wonders why he's getting the silent glare.

A great contrast to this story is the Spider-Man/Batman crossover from a year or so earlier. That comic features Batman beating Carnage in a straight-up fight. No sonics. No fire. Just lots of punches. Batman beat up Carnage, who regularly used to beat up Venom, who beat up Superman. Somewhere, a Batman fan is yelling at a Superman fan, "See?! I told you so!"

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Venom: 15 Craziest Moments in Marvel History

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As we get ready for the Venom movie, we take a look back at the oddball moments in the alien-clad character's Marvel history.

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Feature Gavin Jasper

venom

Aug 1, 2018

Spider-Man

Marvel

Ever since popping in during the late-80's, Venom has been popular enough to show up all over the place. He's been a vengeful supervillain and he's been a mentally-unhinged would-be superhero. He's been part of the Sinister Six and he's been part of the Secret Avengers. The costume has latched onto various hosts and three of them have been used as soldiers for the government. An inventive idea that's starred in more bad stories than good, the alien symbiote has found itself in a lot of crazy situations.

With the Venom movie on the way, I thought I'd take some time to look through Venom's history and some of the more eyebrow-raising moments. Except for anything from Spider-Man 3 because my therapist tells me I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

15. DR. DOOM'S ILL-DEFINED PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION

Spider-Man: The Video Game (1991)

The Spider-Man arcade game is fun to play, but good luck trying to make sense of the narrative. Having Black Cat accompany Spider-Man makes enough sense, but having Hawkeye and Namor as playable is just weird. At the end of the first level, you fight Venom. Once he's defeated, he's possessed by some mystical artifact and it enlarges him to about 25-feet-tall. After being beaten down to normal size again, he gives it another go and is once again wiped out. That appears to be the last you hear from him.

Late in the game, you find out that Kingpin isn't the game's big villain after all. He's working under Dr. Doom, meaning a trip down to Latveria for the climax. You'd think that taking out Dr. Doom (twice, since the first is a Doombot) would be the finale, but no. Once Doom is taken out, he unleashes the TRUE final boss! An army of Venoms literally rain from the top of the screen and you have to fight them all off. How random.

Coincidentally, Dr. Doom would unleash an army of symbiotes onto the populace in Bendis' Mighty Avengers many years later.

14. ALL ARMS ON DECK

Venom: The Madness (1993)

Ann Nocenti and Kelley Jones did a 3-issue arc with an interesting hook. See, Spider-Man was joined with a sentient parasite and thought it was too insane to keep around. Eddie Brock didn't have that opinion and gladly became Venom. So what if you added a third creature to the mix that drove Venom so insane that Eddie had to put his foot down and get rid of it?

After being stomped down on by Juggernaut to the point that he was inches from death, Venom was joined with a sentient virus made out of mercury. It healed him up and jacked up his strength, while at the same time giving him extra arms and tiny head sticking out of his neck because this is an Ann Nocenti comic. Unfortunately, Venom went a little too extreme and not in a good way. Like, he at one point attempted to rape his girlfriend because he was more impulsive than ever. It's seriously messed up.

Luckily, Juggernaut showed up for round two to interrupt that and Madness Venom was able to hold his own against the unstoppable one. He didn't get a chance to finish Juggernaut off because he's whisked away to a realm of madness, where he was attacked by dark copies of Spider-Man, Wolverine, and Ghost Rider. Comics!

13. SECRET SKELETON

What If #114 (1998)

The final issue of the 90's run of What If was a pretty cool one with a story based on Secret Wars. What if the Beyonder and Galactus killed each other and all the heroes and villains were stranded? 25 years later, we see a society where the survivors have paired up and reproduced. The main protagonists are the children of She-Hulk and Hawkeye, Wolverine and Storm, Human Torch and Wasp, Thor and Enchantress as well as Captain America and Rogue (try not to think too hard about how that one works). Remember, though, that this is based on the story where Spider-Man got his black costume. It's shown that he's still wearing it and with two and a half decades since its introduction, what could this mean?

Late in the story, the heroes all swarm Dr. Doom's castle and in one panel, Spider-Man is hit with one of Klaw's sonic blasts. It reveals that all that's left of Peter Parker is a skeleton. The symbiote has been controlling his remains like a puppet for who knows how many years. Yet this doesn't even faze Human Torch, who saves him and lends him a quip, as if he's long accepted that his buddy is just a pile of bones controlled by talking spandex.

12. ENDLESS FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Various (1993-1998)

This one isn't so much a "moment," but it's so deliciously 90's comics that I have to mention it. Back in that decade, Venom became popular enough to get his own run as an anti-hero in San Francisco...which then got him relocated to New York City because they needed those easy-to-write Spider-Man crossovers.

Except...Marvel had a peculiar way of running Venom's ongoing. On one hand, it really was an ongoing series. It started in February of 1993 and the last issue was January of 1998. Sixty issues across five years without a single month being off. On the other hand, they didn't treat it that way. There was no Venom #7. Rather than streamline all the comics into one easy-to-follow series, Marvel turned every single story arc into its own miniseries. What's going to sell better, a comic with a random number attached, or a Venom comic with a big #1 on the cover?

In the end, other than Venom #1-60, we got Venom: Lethal Protector #1-6, Venom: Funeral Pyre #1-3, Venom: The Madness #1-3, Venom: The Mace #1-3, Venom: The Enemy Within #1-3, Venom: Nights of Vengeance #1-4, Venom: Separation Anxiety #1-4, Venom: Carnage Unleashed #1-4, Venom: Sinner Takes All #1-5, Venom: Along Came a Spider #1-4, Venom: The Hunted #1-3, Venom: The Hunger #1-4, Venom: Tooth and Claw #1-3, Venom: On Trial #1-3, Venom: License to Kill #1-3, Venom: Sign of the Boss #1-2 and Venom: Finale #1-3. All that and a bunch of specials mixed in there. I guess marketing trumps a coherent reading order.

11. THE WAR IN FRANK CASTLE'S MIND

What If #44 (1992)

Kurt Busiek and Luke McDonnell collaborated for one hell of a comic in What If Venom Had Possessed the Punisher? Frank Castle stops into a church moments before Eddie Brock and because of this, he becomes the host for the symbiote. At first it helps him with his war on crime, but it begins to take over more and more and even tries to make him kill Spider-Man.

It all comes to a head when the Punisher fights Spider-Man, Daredevil, and Moon Knight on a rooftop. Spider-Man hits him with a sonic blast and it allows Frank to wrest control for just a moment. He shoots the sonic cannon and goes into a vegetative state. Inside his head, we see a really sweet sequence of Frank in his Vietnam gear as he feels himself being stalked by the creature. He changes into his Punisher duds, screams that he's not afraid, and fights the creature head on.

It's a completely badass scene, but the best part is still Moon Knight excitedly yelling that he's a creature of mysticism – AND THE MOON! Somehow saying that wins him the benefit of the doubt.

10. HE'S A DEMON ON WHEELS

Venom #36 (2013)

Cullen Bunn really did try to make his Venom run work, but a lot of the time, things never really clicked. In the latter part of his run, Flash Thompson Venom hangs out in Philadelphia and hunts down any information he can on crime boss Lord Ogre. Some criminals drive off and escape him and he's a bit disappointed that he doesn't have a ride of his own. He sees the husk of an old car with the wheels stripped off and gets an idea.

Existing for just one hell of a splash page, the Venom-Mobile shows that apparently the symbiote is able to work on machines too if the story calls for it. Either way, it's certainly a step up from the Spider-Mobile.

9. DOG IN THE EYE

Dark Reign: The Sinister Spider-Man #4 (2009)

Brian Reed and Chris Bachalo's take on Mac Gargan Venom is a super fun read, telling the story of a horndog cannibal who's treated by the media as a great hero. Under the guise of Spider-Man of the Dark Avengers, Venom causes all sorts of trouble and makes a million enemies in his wake. The climax is at a big festival in the middle of Time Square. Norman Osborn gives Bullseye and Daken the orders to take Gargan out, since he's more trouble than he's worth. Since Bullseye can make any object into a lethal weapon, he chooses to use a tiny yapping dog.

The dog doesn't kill Venom, but it does get lodged deep into his eye. Venom proceeds to fight off Bullseye, Daken, various gang members, and a group of half-eaten supervillains out for revenge...all while he has a dog in his eye. Once cooler heads prevail, he finally pops it out of his socket and discards the poor guy off into the distance.

8. THE SINISTER SPIDER-HAM

What The--?! #20 (1992)

Spider-Ham was a creation of the 80's and his star wore out before Venom's introduction. The character was reprised in the early 90's as part of Marvel's parody comic What The--?! Issue #20 features a crossover between various regulars of the series in an adventure called the Infinity Wart. Forbush Man, Spider-Ham, Milk & Cookies, and Wolverina team up and face their evil selves. For Spider-Ham, it's an excuse to introduce his Venom counterpart, Pork Grind.

Speaking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Pork Grind fights Spider-Ham and Milk & Cookies. He mostly manhandles them until Spider-Ham eats his spinach and punches him out. Coincidentally, this is not the last entry on the list to feature Austrian Venom.

7. EDDIE BROCK: SISTER OF PAIN

Venom: Sign of the Boss #1 (1997)

Venom's 90's series became delightfully silly by the end, partially because they introduced a plot device where the symbiote was placated by eating chocolate. Believe it or not, there's actually a really well-written explanation for why the symbiote is calmed by chocolate, but that's neither here nor there. During the last couple story arcs, Venom is forced to work as an agent for the government or else they'll detonate the bomb in his chest. He's given an assignment to lay low in a church for some big speech on peace by a foreign leader. If anyone makes a move, Venom is to be alerted to spring into action and stop the assassination, but not a moment sooner.

The symbiote is able to mimic any form of clothing and disguise Eddie in all sorts of ways. That makes it extra funny when of all disguises, Eddie wears a nun's habit and asks the choirboys to not sing quite as high-pitched as it gives him a bit of a headache. Some gun-carrying thugs take them hostage, but Venom has to wait until he gets clearance to reveal himself.

Once he does, he violently murders the henchmen in front of the children, not realizing that he's traumatizing them into oblivion. Once finished, he tells them that violence is more of an adult thing and offers a chocolate bar to one of the kids. Because of course he has a candy bar on him. The boy is practically catatonic in fear, especially when Venom yells, "Come on! Take it!" Then Venom gets all huffy and offended, not understanding why he isn't being thanked.

6. THE FRENCH KISS OF DEATH

Venom #11 (2004)

Daniel Way's Venom series from the mid-00's is really, really bad and should not be read ever. It's mean-spirited, overly-complicated, and has nothing resembling payoff whatsoever. It's also a comic where Venom himself – at least the Eddie Brock incarnation – doesn't show up until the 11th issue. You see, the symbiote terrorizing everyone all this time is a clone. #11 starts a three-issue story that explains the clone's origin.

It has to do with a fight where Venom beats on Spider-Man until the Fantastic Four arrive to stop him. At first, Thing is able to overpower Venom, until Venom fights back by making out with him...TO THE DEATH.

Venom shoving his tongue down Thing's throat is one of the grosser things I've seen in a comic, but it actually serves its narrative purpose. Human Torch burns the tongue off and Thing coughs it up. A bystander picks the tongue up, brings it home and tries to sell it on eBay. He's immediately made a target by an old man made out of nannites who is really the force behind Noah's Ark and—oh my God, I don't want to get into any more of the plot of this series. Moving on.

5. THE MOLOTOV COCKTAIL OF AWESOME

Venom #13.4 (2012)

During the Rick Remender Venom series, Flash Thompson Venom starred in a crossover called The Circle of Four. It's quite a brilliant little concept that took me a minute to grasp. In the 90s, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Hulk, and Ghost Rider teamed up to become the New Fantastic Four. Here we have a similar grouping with Venom, X-23, Red Hulk, and the female Ghost Rider that everyone's completely forgotten about five minutes after her series ended.

The four join forces to help save Las Vegas from the clutches of Blackheart, who is trying to create Hell on Earth. With the exception of X-23, the team joins together to make their own special version of Captain Planet, only more soul-shatteringly badass. Riding a giant motorcycle is Red Hulk, who has become the host for both the Spirit of Vengeance and the Venom symbiote. This is the cliffhanger before the final issue and it still makes me smile. I'm surprised the final issue isn't Blackheart throwing his hands up and saying, "Yeah, this isn't worth it. Sorry for all the trouble I caused, everyone," and going back to Hell where it's safer.

4. THE GROSSEST OF MATING HABITS

What If: The Other (2007)

The What If issue based on the Other tells the tale of Peter Parker refusing to break out of his cocoon and embrace his inner-spider. The world and his loved ones think he's dead, so he's going to keep it that way. The Venom symbiote senses that Peter's body is just sitting around, unused, and leaves Mac Gargan's body. It attaches itself to Peter's husk and is pretty pleased with being one with its original and favorite host once again. Peter has no consciousness to speak of, so the symbiote is completely running the show. Calling himself Poison, the creature confronts Mary Jane and wants her to be his mate. She tells him off and he leaves her be.

With Mary Jane not an option, Poison goes for an even grosser route. He spawns a symbiote offspring and uses it to control the rotting dead body of Gwen Stacy. You can thank Peter David for this piece of alien necrophilia incest. You can also thank him for...

3. THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME SMASHERS

Incredible Hulk vs. Venom (1994)

This is a comic released by Unicef that deals with Venom and Hulk fighting each other and then teaming up because a series of earthquakes are tearing apart San Francisco. A mad scientist calling himself Dr. Bad Vibes (not the villain from the C.O.P.S. cartoon, I checked) insists that he's been causing the earthquakes with his earthquake machine. Hulk has the mind of one of the world's greatest scientists and Venom is an accomplished journalist. Truly, they can put their minds together and figure out a great strategy in stopping Bad Vibes' reign of terror before it's too late.

Their plan is to quote Saturday Night Live.

Yes, they go into a news broadcast to do a Hans and Franz impression, complete with clapping. Honest to God, when I first read this scene, I had to put down the comic, get up, and just walk away because I simply could not deal with this.

2. DIAL-UP M FOR MURDER

Venom: Carnage Unleashed #4 (1995)

Thing with the symbiote is that the writers can tack on nearly any kind of ability and you can buy it because it's a blob from outer space that gives people super strength and copies Spider-Man's powers. Turns a car into a monster car? Sure, why not? Makes you immune to noxious gas? I buy it. Makes it harder for psychics to gain control? Makes sense to me.

Larry Hama created the most outlandish use of the symbiote's abilities with his Carnage Unleashed storyline. Carnage Unleashed – a story created based on the success of the Maximum Carnage video game – is about a Carnage-based video game that's become a big deal. It's about to be launched to the public with online multiplayer and Carnage's plan is to use this to his advantage and kill as many players as possible. How? By using his brand-new power of using the symbiote to travel through the internet!

The comic keeps stacking on more and more instances of, "Computers do not work that way!" that escalates to the point that Venom and Carnage are fighting inside cyberspace and it's being broadcast on the big screen in Time Square. Coincidentally, people are able to hear their banter despite, you know, there being no audio on that big screen. Venom wins when he sees a heat sink and destroys it, which causes a huge explosion that hurts them both and knocks them out of their computers. It is the stupidest, most glorious goddamn thing.

1. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

All-Access #1 (1996)

Ah, Access. For those of you who don't know or remember, Access was a superhero jointly owned by DC and Marvel whose job was to make sure that both worlds remained separate and don't bleed into each other. Considering they've been refusing to do a crossover since JLA/Avengers, it's been a pretty successful decade and a half. Way to go!

Following the events of Marvel vs. DC, Access starred in his own miniseries based on keeping the peace via cosmic segregation. In the first issue, Venom finds himself in Metropolis and Ron Marz chooses to forget that Venom is supposed to be kind of a good guy around this time. Instead, Venom goes on a rampage until Superman and his post-resurrection mullet arrive. This should be a simple fight. Superman moves planets with his bare hands and Venom is just a stronger Spider-Man with a bucket full of weaknesses.

Then Venom throws Superman around like a ragdoll. The two have several fights and each time, Venom absolutely humbles Superman, making him look like a complete joke. Access brings Spider-Man into the DC world to help fight Venom and even that isn't enough! Put Superman and Spider-Man together against one threat and he still kicks their asses.

The only reason Venom loses is because Access shows up with a giant sonic cannon loaned from STAR Labs. Afterwards, Spider-Man tells Superman that Eddie Brock was never easy to get along with, what with him being a newspaper reporter. Then Spider-Man wonders why he's getting the silent glare.

A great contrast to this story is the Spider-Man/Batman crossover from a year or so earlier. That comic features Batman beating Carnage in a straight-up fight. No sonics. No fire. Just lots of punches. Batman beat up Carnage, who regularly used to beat up Venom, who beat up Superman. Somewhere, a Batman fan is yelling at a Superman fan, "See?! I told you so!"

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