#the pain of still sending messages to a man who abandoned you 20 years ago. the pain of never moving on | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

instakpop · 6 years ago

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Chanyeol scenario - Lessons in love

Requested by anon

Genre: mafia!au, angst, smut, little bits of fluffiness

Warnings: stalking, rough sex, strong language

There’s nothing more tragic than love running out. You pour your heart and soul into a relationship only to feel neglected one year into it. You were hypnotized by his smile, swindled by his charms, then broken by his passive behavior.

You met Chanyeol purely by chance. Working in a bank doesn’t sound very exciting, but your job brought you to the same level as some of the most powerful people in the country. Who’s your biggest client? Park Chanyeol, mafia boss. The man who was practically untouchable. He’d have a whole number of charges against him, but even the best lawyers in the business couldn’t take him down.

One day you came into work and caught his eye. He courted you with flowers and jewels until you gave in to his advances. In the beginning, he was the kind of boyfriend every woman dreams of. Great listener, gentle, an all-around romantic. But, sadly, that romance didn’t even last six months.

After a while, Chanyeol because cynical and mean. In public, you and Chanyeol would arrive at events together lovingly only to be separated when one of his “associates” came to steal his attention away from you. You would have left months ago if it weren’t for everything you invested into the relationship. He took you on long vacations, causing you canceled plans with friends all the time to be with him. You’ve even taken a sabbatical from work to spend time with him. Now, just having a weekend alone with him is a blessing. Meals for two were left uneaten, reservations at hotels that fell through, and a one year anniversary that was forgotten about.

Sex was no different. He would crawl into bed late at night and stay awake long enough to get his rocks off. It didn’t matter if he was pleasing you, he only cared about himself.

Which brings you to today. Chanyeol has been gone for three days straight, leaving you in his enormous house like an abandoned puppy. But enough is enough. You’ve decided once and for all the Chanyeol just isn’t the man you thought he was. You packed your things and checked into a hotel until you find an apartment.

It broke your heart to watch your relationship crumble like that, but you’re not the one to blame. Chanyeol became arrogant and plain rude. The answer to every question about where he was going was “don’t worry about it.” It’s time for you to get back to who you were before. You returned to work as if nothing happened and finally found a great place to live. Over time, you blocked out the thoughts of the man who broke your heart. But you couldn’t stop thinking about the man who swept you off your feet. You missed the Chanyeol who texted you sweet messages while he was at work and held you close late at night. The Chanyeol who made you feel safe and adored.

As the days turned into weeks, you regressed into your usual pattern. Wake up, stop for breakfast, go to work, swing by the gym for a quick workout, and head back home. But one day you noticed something. Something strange. All day you could feel someone’s eyes on you. Everywhere you went, you were able to catch a glimpse of a man in a designer suit who was never more than 20 feet away.

You weren’t certain if he was following you, but you had to find out. On your way to the gym, you took the long route, trying to see if anyone was pursuing you. After a few minutes, you spotted a red Cadilac that was taking the same turns you were. You pulled over onto a side road and stepped out of your car. You mentally prepared yourself for the worst as you grabbed your emergency pepper spray. You walked down the alley and hid behind a corner. You heard footsteps coming closer until you heard a voice.

“I lost her. She went down the alley and disappeared.” He said.

You peeked out to see him on the phone. But who could he possibly be talking to? The man walked past you, unable to see where you were hiding. You stepped out from behind the corner, summoning up enough courage to raise your pepper spray and yell. “Who are you?!”

The man turned around in shock. He stammered over what to say, “I’m not a threat. I was just told by my boss to keep tabs on you.”

The thoughts started racing through your mind of who his boss could be. You had one idea, but you needed to know for sure. “And how long have you been keeping ‘tabs’ on me.”

“About three weeks.”

Chanyeol! He’s the only man in the world he had the power, authority, and motive to do something like this. You put your pepper spray back into your pocket and sighed.

“Take me to your boss. Now.” You demanded.

Your domineering tone was enough to turn the mafia soldier into a cowering dog. He quickly leads you to his car and took you to Chanyeol’s house. The second you arrived, you marched through the door, hot-tempered, and ready to fight. You passed by his personal staff, each of which was both confused and intimidated by your sudden presence.

“Oh, Miss y/n. So good to see y-” Chanyeol’s second in command asked.

“Where is he?” You asked.

“In the office.”

You headed upstairs with fury in your step. You burst through the doors and there he was, leaning back in his chair with his trademark poker-face.

“A spy?! Really?! What gives you the right to hire someone to watch me? And what was going to happen? Were you gonna just have him follow me forever? And what would happen if I met someone else, someone who isn’t a self-obsessed asshole who lies and deceives people? You are unbelievable!” The more you screamed, the better you felt. You weren’t able to tell him off when you left because, once again, he wasn’t around.

But instead of fighting back, or having you hauled off, Chanyeol just sat there, staring at you with a blank look. You ended your passionate speech and stood there, waiting for a response, but instead, silence filled the room. Chanyeol closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Y/n, sit down.” He said with a calm voice.

You were a little suspicious of his demeanor, but you complied. You sat across from him and relaxed.

“You… are completely right. I was terrible to you. I didn’t call when I said I would. I stopped listening to you. I stopped tending to you, and I was wrong for that. But The reason I stopped doing those things is that you stayed so much longer than the others.” He said.

What he was saying didn’t make much sense, but you remain intrigued to hear his side of the story. “I’m not the guy that women want to spend forever with. I ask a girl out, she says yes and I spoil her rotten. Six months later, she’s gone. She goes her way and I go mine. All the gifts I give are returned, but her social status is set in stone. That’s all I am to them. They see the wealth and power and they use it to their advantage.”

He could hardly look me in the eye when he explained, but the words rang in your mind. “And then there was you. The girl who was already a staple in the mob world. I looked at you and the way you carried yourself and I thought, ‘now that’s a girl who can hold her own’. You already had status and power. I knew you were different, but I guess the romantic in me died one day. My love had an expiration date.”

“Chanyeol. Gifts are not the romantic part of dating. The thought behind them is. You knew I’ve always wanted to see Paris, so you took me there for my birthday. I told you I loved getting love notes so you send me texts throughout the day. You just stopped caring. You ignored me constantly, I’d even try to kiss you and you’d turn the other cheek. You didn’t think you’d be a good boyfriend, so you just gave up.”

Listening to what you had to say, Chanyeol started to understand what made you leave. He stood up from his chair and offered you his hand. “Let’s talk somewhere more private.” He said, knowing his men were right there on the other side of the door. He took me to his room down the hall, dismissing anyone who was in the area. He closed and locked the door behind you both and continued where you left off.

“Chanyeol… Why did you need to check up on me? I left you one last text saying it was over, but you still went out of your way to find out what I was up to.”

He thought to himself, trying to come up with a good answer but the truth prevailed. “Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When we were together, I’d leave for work, I knew you were at home waiting for me and then one day, you weren’t. I didn’t have the sense of security that you would always be there. I had one of my associates follow you because that’s the only way I felt close to you.”

“That’s just it. I’m only around when I feel like I should be. I fight for things worth fighting for and I didn’t feel needed anymore. I just assumed you fell out of love.”

Chanyeol was clearly pained by your words. “Y/n, I can’t fall out of something I never knew I had. You were the first woman I’ve been with who actually said you loved me. But I just don’t know how to love you back.”

“Yes, you do. Or at least you did. When you and I first met, you were genuine and attentive. Those first several months were proof that you have the capability. You just can’t follow through.” You explained.

He sat on the edge of his bed, smiling to himself, shaking his head. “You have me all figured out and yet I’m surprised by you every single day.”

You walked closer and stood in front of him. “You’re more predictable than you think. You can’t just love someone immediately, you have to fall in love with them.” You lifted his chin, brushed the hair away from his face and peered down into his warm brown eyes.

“Can you teach me?” He asked. He was slowly returning back to the man who stole your heart a year ago. The one who would lie awake at night with you, placing soft kisses on your face. You cupped his cheeks and nodded, accepting his proposal.

“For starters, you’re very good at dominant, rough fucking. But you need to learn how to make love.” His eyes lit up as you spoke. “It’s about intimacy. You have to really know who you're climbing into bed with. Which is why I know you’ll fall to pieces… if I kiss you… right here.” Your lips pressed to his neck, just below his earlobe. Chanyeol sighed, relaxing his muscles. “See? You have to know exactly where to touch…” Your hands moved up his chest, unbuttoning his shirt and pushing the material out of the way. “And kiss…” Your lips continued down to his bare collar bones, leaving your mark on the sensitive skin.

“Your turn.” You straddled his hips, allowing his hands and lips to roam wherever.

His skilled hands had you both naked in seconds. He laid you out on the bed, kissing all over your chest. He pulled out his cock, stroking up and down your slit.

“Mmm~ Just like that, baby. Feel how wet I am for you. “ You purred.

Unable to take another minute of teasing, Chanyeol slid into you slowly, savoring your warm channel. You stretched around him, clinging to his strong back as he eased into you. Rather than pounding into you, Chanyeol glided in and out of you at the perfect pace. He held your leg up high, finding just the right angle to hit your g-spot with each thrust. He watched you arch beneath him and smirked. He knew just what to do to get you to your climax.

“C-Chanyeol. Baby, I’m so close.”

“Not yet. I want you to cum with me.” He thrusted a few more times until he arrived at the edge of his orgasm with you. Simotaniusly, you called out each others names in ecstasy. “Fuck, y/n! Oh, god. I love you...I love you so. Damn. much.”

After cooling down, Chanyeol’s confession still stuck with you, making the smile on your face widen. The romantic inside him was still alive and well. No matter how much he denies it, he’ll always have that part of him who is completely head over heels for you.

“So, does this mean you’ll come back?” He asked.

“Yes, but there are conditions.” You replied. “First, I’m not going to be some whithering housewife. I have a career and I’m not quitting anytime soon.”

“Agreed.” He said.

“Second, You really need to make an effort. I can’t keep leaving for you to realize that you want to be with me. I want to know that you love me as much as I love you.”

“...Agreed. I’m not losing you again. I had to pay my associate double to follow you around and he failed.”

You laughed and him and playfully slapped his chest. Chanyeol pulled you in close and ran his fingers through your hair gently, giving you a few kisses just like he did before. Only this time, his love didn’t have an expiration date.

THE END

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shijiujun · 5 years ago

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[ENG] History3: Trapped Novel - Chapter Three

~5,700 words (proofread by @weilongfu)

Translation Masterpost can be found here

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. Also keeping in mind when we translated this we aren’t exactly thinking about the style of writing and this translation is as close to the novel as we can make it XD So yes, some parts may be a little awkward to read. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes!

Full chapter below the cut

Chapter Three

“Meng Shao Fei, wake up!”

Tang Yi walks over to where Shao Fei is and yells at him a few times, but the man hardly responds. He crouches down next to Shao Fei, who was still animated and alive the night before. Now, Shao Fei’s face is flushed red with cold sweat beading all over his head, curled up into a ball and repeatedly mumbling that he is cold. Pressing the back of his hand to Shao Fei’s forehead, Tang Yi can feel the higher than normal temperature radiating from Shao Fei. Immediately, he pulls the jacket covering Shao Fei’s body away from him, and checks the wound on Shao Fei’s arm.

“Meng Shao Fei.”

Shao Fei finally wakes under the force of Tang Yi’s next shove to his shoulder, and blearily replies, “What?”

“You’re running a fever.”

The cause of his fever is obviously the infected cut on his arm, and if they don’t treat it immediately, it may result in something more severe, so they have to send him to the hospital as soon as possible.

“It’s fine, just let me sleep a little bit more.”

Deciding not to give Shao Fei any opportunity to refuse, Tang Yi grabs onto the back of Shao Fei’s neck directly and pulls him to his feet.

“Those people may turn up at any time looking for us, we have to leave quickly. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Shao Fei answers weakly, rubbing at his nose and still disoriented from sleep.

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

Shao Fei forces himself to straighten and tosses Tang Yi a look, trying to look strong and says, “You just worry about yourself.”

Both men venture back out into the thick of the forest, leaving the abandoned structure behind them one after the other. Shao Fei presses at his right arm which is throbbing in pain and follows in Tang Yi’s footsteps unsteadily. Due to his high fever, even his vision is blurry, so all Shao Fei can do is to force himself to focus on Tang Yi’s back and move forward. However, he fails to notice the tree branches that have fallen horizontally right in his path, and with one wrong step, he’s falling forward. Hearing all the movements behind him, Tang Yi’s quick reflexes have him turning around and deftly catching Shao Fei in a tight embrace, preventing him from falling over.

“Be careful.”

Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi with a strange expression, and before he can even say a word of thanks, Tang Yi has already let Shao Fei go and continues in the direction he was walking in.

Barely taking half a step, Shao Fei then feels something hard under his shoe, as if he’s stepped on something. Moving his foot away, Shao Fei realises that it’s the lighter that Tang Yi refuses to let anyone touch that is sitting in the wet soil, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket, intending to return the lighter to its owner once they’re safely out of this predicament.

At the path leading to the way down the mountain, a van is parked right at the side of the road. Two men clad in black - one of them leaning against the door to the driver’s seat and the other standing right in front of the vehicle - scrutinise every other car or motorbike that passes them on the road they’ve stopped on.

“Damn it! Talk about bad luck, even here there’s an ambush.”

Shao Fei surveys the situation and possible exit route before them, hidden behind a tree. As he is running a fever and given no means to lower his body temperature, Shao Fei’s every exhale is difficult and filled with hot air.

Suddenly, a large motorbike passes by the side of the van loudly, but fails to catch both men’s attention, and with a sudden flash of epiphany, Tang Yi stands up immediately and leaves their hiding spot.

“Tang-” Shao Fei looks at the Xing Tian Meng leader who’s swiftly abandoning him in bewilderment and is about to ask Tang Yi just what the hell he’s planning, but then he is afraid of alerting their enemies to their location, so all Shao Fei can do is to return to his hiding spot and continue his watch on both men.

Tang Yi heads back to the road leading towards the top of the mountain and there, he sees that large motorbike’s rider stop at the side of the road and look down at what seems to be a message on his phone. Seeing that the rider isn’t paying attention, Tang Yi approaches the rider on light feet until he’s standing behind the motorbike, then hooks his arm around the man’s neck with his other hand wrapped around the rider’s helmet, and easily pulls him off the vehicle. He slams a heavy fist into the man’s abdomen.

The man being attacked is struck with so much pain that he curls up on the side of the road and starts whimpering - he doesn’t even get a glimpse of his attacker. All he hears is ‘I’m borrowing this’, right before his attacker rides off with his precious bike.

“Where did he fucking go?” Shao Fei curses under his breath.

The longer Tang Yi is away, the more Shao Fei is unable to concentrate. He rubs at his stinging eyes, still keeping watch on both men in black. Right at this moment, a heavy motorbike stops right next to the van, and the male rider wearing a protective helmet takes out his phone and speaks to one of the two men, who’s holding onto a gun in his hands.

“Sorry, I’m lost, do you know how I can get to this place?”

“I don’t know-”

Before the man can even finish his sentence, the rider raises his leg and kicks at the hand holding onto the gun. The man screams in excruciating pain at the blow as his bones break and even Shao Fei, hiding in his spot behind the trees and watching all of this unfold, freezes, and grieves for the man for three seconds.

The rider kicks the man’s fallen gun to the back wheels of the vehicle, and the other man originally standing in front of the van reacts immediately, but the rider is quicker to move - he gets back on his motorbike, rushing towards the man and pushing him down the mountain slopes on the side.

He took no more than one minute to take care of both men. Turning the bike and going back to the position he was at before, he bends down and picks up the gun, pointing it at the man still crying out in pain on the ground. Then, he pulls the visor of his helmet up and faces the direction that Shao Fei is hiding at.

“Come on!” he yells.

Shao Fei, who was watching everything happen from beginning to end, was previously still thinking how lucky he was - just like the plot details in a wuxia novel* where he meets a hero helping the weak unconditionally, but that person is actually Tang Yi?

Although he’s filled with so many burning questions, Shao Fei realises that fleeing is more important, so grabbing onto his throbbing arm, he slides down the slope and rushes over to the bike, getting onto the back seat.

“Hold tight.”

“Okay.”

Tang Yi pulls at Shao Fei’s wrists until his arms are wound securely around his waist, then steps on the accelerator, leaving the dangerous, mountainous area.

The Tang Household

“Fuck! You guys have the cheek to come back and see me? How are you handling things, huh?”

Right before the house’s swimming pool, Li Zhi De, who’s dressed in a blue suit jacket and a black dress shirt, suddenly brings up his foot to kick at the junior member standing next to him.

“So many of you went out to look, why is there still no news until now? What is Xing Tian Meng taking care of you useless shits for?”

“Brother De… sorry…” the man who’s in charge of the search operation bows and apologises profusely.

The other junior who was kicked to the ground immediately picks himself up, and everyone who’s standing around him has to endure the scolding as well.

Li Zhi De points at his incompetent subordinates, and warns sharply, “Don’t say sorry to me. I fucking hate hearing that. I’m giving you guys another two hours, and if you still don’t find Boss within these two hours, then prepare to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of your life! Go!”

“Yes… yes, Brother De,” Xing Tian Meng’s brothers, with slouching shoulders, leave with quick footsteps.

“Brother De, will taking out your anger on your subordinates solve the problem?” Jack, who coincidentally was passing by the swimming pool, smiles nonchalantly at Ah De.

“Boss has been missing for 20 hours now, and you still have the energy and mood to catch a cop back here and create a mess?”

Ah De was already extremely unhappy at this guy who suddenly appeared at Boss’ side a year ago, and having to deal with Jack’s attitude just makes him even angrier.

“Boss and Meng Shao Fei went missing at the same time, so I apprehended his partner to interrogate him, is there anything wrong with that?”

“Anything that involves a cop is trouble!”

Ah De’s eyebrows furrow in discomfort. These four years, whenever he hears Meng Shao Fei’s name being uttered he gets uncomfortable all over, especially in this recent period.

“Whether it’s the cops or Meng Shao Fei specifically that irritates you, Brother De you know that best. Since we have our own perspectives and plans, and we have the same goal of finding out Boss’ whereabouts, how about…”

The edges of Jack’s mouth curve, and the way Jack looks at him, as if he can see through all his secrets, sends shivers down Ah De’s back.

“I don’t interfere with you, and you… don’t interfere in my affairs either.”

After he’s said his piece, Jack easily circles the perimeter of the pool and heads back into the house, leaving behind a pale-looking Ah De, glaring at Jack’s retreating back and clenching both his fists tight in anger.

===

Just as he enters the room holding Zhao Li An, the first thing Jack hears are snores. Moving even closer, he realises that not only did the man fall dead asleep, he’s also drooling. Jack, who’s been trained to always be on the alert, looks at the scene, entirely dumbfounded.

Are these guys brain nerves made out of underwater electrical cables? Otherwise, how can he be this thick?!

“Get up!”

Jack kicks at the couch Zhao Zi is sleeping cozily on. Zhao Zi, who was busy playing mahjong with Master Zhou**, is rudely awoken. He turns around to look at the face hovering above his own, and rubs at his eyes.

“Oh it’s you!”

“Meng Shao Fei’s phone number!”

Jack takes out his favourite knife and presses it at the left side of Zhao Zi’s neck, threatening Zhao Zi, his tone cold.

Zhao Zi looks at the man who caught and brought him here, but also the man who actually hasn’t really harmed him. He swallows, asking, “Then you bring me ten items in exchange, and I’ll tell you his phone number.”

After all, one can change phone numbers easily and in the worst case scenario, the moment they find Ah Fei, the first thing they’ll do is to get Ah Fei to change his phone number first.

“What?”

Jack looks at Zhao Zi, incredibly bewildered. His forte has always been the ability to see through people and their thoughts, and rarely does anything move beyond his expectations, but…

It definitely does not include this guy.

“There’s no free lunch in this world, and so you definitely can’t get Ah Fei’s phone number for free. Plus, I’m so hungry right now, and there are a total of ten digits in a phone number, so one number for one item… Then, I want instant noodles, vegetables, meat, eggs, toast, milk, cheese slices, a pot, chopsticks and…. Oh wait hold on, I’m about to pee in my pants, let me do an exchange for the toilet too,” Zhao Zi doesn’t even stop to see if Jack agrees to his terms, already counting away on his fingers.

“At this juncture, are you actually being serious?”

Jack’s eyes are wide as he considers Zhao Zi. If Zhao Zi isn’t a mad man then he is, at least, an alien. Why can’t he see through this guy? Why can’t he understand the man’s thought process?

“Of course I’m being serious, my bladder is about to explode, I won’t lie to you! Don’t worry, after I’m done peeing I will give you his phone number.”

Still trying to process this turn of events, Jack points in the direction of the toilet. Even when Zhao Zi rushes into the toilet and locks the door from the inside, he still doesn’t move.

===

“What’s your stomach made of?” Jack asks, his expression darkening as he brings the pot over to the dining table in the house’s open concept kitchen, and pours its contents into a bowl.

He looks at the table, filled to the brim with food.

“This isn’t much, no matter how much I eat, I don’t get fat anyway.”

“Eating so much without getting fat? What a waste of food.”

At this point, even Jack himself doesn’t notice that in this single sentence, he has let a bit of warmth seep through, and there is less caution and distrust in his entire demeanour too.

Zhao Zi, with a piece of toast in his mouth and both hands occupied with the noodles and milk, signals Jack with his eyes to pick up the plates filled with eggs and meat. He says with his mouth full, “Not finishing all the food is wasteful. Hey, help me grab the rest.”

With widened eyes, Jack once again stares at this person who he’s just known for a short while- no, actually he doesn’t even know him at all, and here Zhao Zi is, ordering him around easily. After a moment’s hesitation, Jack picks up the plate and follows him into the living room.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor carpet, Zhao Zi looks at Jack and asks, “Aren’t you going to try?”

Jack sits on the light-gray couch and carefully observes the guy sitting in front of him, and thinking that Zhao Zi is referring to the food, he replies, “I have absolute confidence in my cooking skills.”

Everything that he’s put his mind to learning, all he needs to do is take one look and he can remember it. Even the more difficult process of disassembling his guns, he can also complete with his eyes blindfolded. Just a few home-cooked dishes is hardly any difficult for him.

“No! I meant Ah Fei’s phone number, aren’t you intending to try it and call him?”

“Isn’t his phone switched off?”

“Weren’t you afraid that I was lying to you? Give me the phone.”

Zhao Zi puts down his chopsticks and goes over to sit next to Jack,. He takes the phone over and presses a series of numbers, then puts the call on speaker.

“This is Meng Shao Fei, if there’s anything urgent, please leave a message.”

The message plays after a few rings, and Shao Fei’s voice sounds from the phone.

“See! I’m not lying to you,” Zhao Zi gives the phone back to Jack, picking up his bowl of noodles and sticking his tongue out at Jack secretly.

He’s decided - once they find Ah Fei, Zhao Zi will get Ah Fei to change his phone number.

Jack is shocked at himself, that he didn’t even check that the phone number was the right one. The first thing that a mercenary’s way of life taught him is under no circumstances can he trust the creature that is a ‘human being’, but at this moment, he actually believed the young cop?

It is an entirely new experience for him, and Jack is intrigued.

“Hey, did anyone ever tell you you’re weird?”

Genuinely finding this interesting, Jack smiles for real, this smile different from the usual sarcastic one he shows everyone else. He looks at Zhao Zi, who’s gobbling down his noodles.

“You’re the weird one! You brought me here for an interrogation out of the blue.”

Unable to resist, Jack interrupts Zhao Zi, incredulous, “How was that even an interrogation?”

He didn’t knock out any of Zhao Zi’s teeth, or break any fingers or toes. Not even little cuts that would have left him bleeding, and Zhao Zi is saying that he went through an interrogation? The sheer audacity!

“You imprisoned me for a night!”

“Does that even count?”

“Of course! According to rule number 296…”

Before Zhao Zi can even finish his sentence, the bowl in his hands is smacked away by a fuming Ah De, who has just entered the house, only to see both men interacting like this. At the same time, Jack pulls Zhao Zi into his arms, afraid that he would get scalded by the hot soup.

“What are you doing?” Jack glares at Ah De, narrowing his eyes in threat.

“We have things to do. Aren’t you going to get ready?” Ah De snaps, and not willing to divulge what ‘things’ that entails, turns around to leave the main house.

Squatting on the floor and cleaning up the mess from his noodles, Zhao Zi laments, “My noodles… what a pity. I didn’t even get to eat more than a few mouthfuls…”

“I’ll make it up to you next time?” Jack smiles, looking at Zhao Zi’s interesting expression as he helps to wipe the floor with the tissues from the box on the table.

“Okay, your food is really delicious!” Zhao Zi nods, a man who’s easily persuaded as long as good food is involved.

“I still have to deal with some things, so I’ll let you go home today.”

“I… I can really leave?”

“Nnn!”

“Then I’m going to go, bye!”

Afraid that the man would change his mind in the next second, Zhao Zi stands up immediately, turns around and makes a dash in the direction of the garden outside. Finally free from Xing Tian Meng’s clutches, Zhao Zi barely has a few moments to catch his breath before the phone in his pocket begins to ring.

“Yu Qi, what is it? What?! The hospital?”

Listening to the news over the phone, Zhao Zi turns green. Holding onto his phone tightly, he rushes over to the nearest main road and grabs a cab, rushing directly to the location Yu Qi gave him over the call.

Hospital

The wound on his right arm has been treated, and on his hand an IV is attached, sending the contents of the pack drop by drop into his veins.

Tang Yi stands at the side of the bed watching a still unconscious Shao Fei. The Xing Tian Meng leader looks nothing like his usual, well-dressed self - the suit on him, due to the previous fights, has many holes and tears in the fabric.

Jiang Jin Tang, wrapped in the doctor’s white robes, observes Tang Yi out of the corner of his eye, this man who has worry and concern written all over his face. He remarks evenly, “Don’t worry! It’s just an infected wound, plus his body is now weak, he’ll be fine.”

“I’ve never doubted the Jiang family’s abilities, especially yours.”

Even his cousins - Jin Teng and Jin Yang - are equally outstanding, with the former a law major and the latter the main player in Zhi Hong High School’s volleyball team. Jiang Jin Tang himself? He’s a star in the medical field.

“Speaking of which, this is the first time I’ve seen you personally send someone to me for treatment. Talk! Who exactly is this person?”

“It’s nothing much, we just spent a day and night together on a mountain, that’s all.”

The handsome doctor looks at Tang Yi in interest, and his next words are deliberately misleading, “Just spending a day and night together and the both of you return with so many injuries over your body? Don’t tell me you and him did something together?”

“Idiot!” Tang Yi eyes Jin Tang, who is one of his few precious friends he has, but Tang Yi really cannot be bothered with Jin Tang’s bad habit of spying on other people’s lives and spreading gossip.

Two days later

Shao Fei leaves the hospital ward and goes home with the doctor’s permission after staying for a full two days - the moment he woke up, he was forced to stay in the hospital and recover properly.

As he removes his jeans and throws them into the washing machine, he hears the clang! of metal striking metal, and Shao Fei pulls out his pants again. Reaching his hands into the pockets, he comes up with a black lighter with gold accents.

“Do you know to train, to escape?”

In his mind, the memory of hiding in the abandoned building surfaces. Tang Yi, who offered to keep watch for the night and then asking a seemingly random question as he watched the embers of the fire rise from the burning wood pile.

“You have to train when you’re young. First, you twist the thumb inwards. Wait for the bone to

grow again and then twist it broken again. Grow, then break. You practice it repeatedly until you’re able to do it. Let me ask you, which rich master from any family grows up like that?”

The man who answered his own question smiled wistfully, asking Shao Fei who had just sarcastically poked fun at him being a young master from a rich family.

“Who forced you to?”

“No one forced me to, I wanted to do it myself. Being part of any gang... we are closer to death,

and when you want to survive, you’ll force yourself to do a lot of things.”

“So it’s not that you can’t sleep... but you don’t dare to sleep?”

His question was met with silence from Tang Yi, and for Shao Fei to have boldly declared to Tang Yi previously that he was the only person in this would to truly understand him, that made him realise how stupid and arrogant he had been.

Shao Fei never actually knew the person right in front of him. He never tried to understand him properly, never tried to see beyond the identity of Tang Yi as Xing Tian Meng’s leader - the real Tang Yi.

The Tang Household

Early morning, as Tang Yi is getting ready for the day before the mirror, he realises a particular object is missing from the counter top where he usually places it. He tears through the house looking for it in every corner, frantic.

“Boss, Jack, he-” Ah De moves to greet Tang Yi the moment he sees the man coming down the stairs.

Ah De tries to explain what is happening outside, but Tang Yi interrupts him and asks, stern, “Did anyone see the suit that I wore the day before?”

“Your suit? Yes, I was just about to send it for dry-cleaning.”

“Where is it?”

Ah De points at the junior member carrying a laundry bag who’s just about to leave and calls, “Jason! Bring that over now, hurry!”

Tang Yi opens the bag and pulls out the suit jacket, but finds out that the pocket which he had placed the item he’s searching for has a hole right through the bottom, and immediately, he throws the jacket down and stalks off towards the door.

“Boss, what are you looking for? How about I send a few other members to go and search with you…” Ah De asks, following Tang Yi’s footsteps.

Coincidentally, Jack is showing Shao Fei in from the outside, and both groups of men stare at each other, confusion written on all their faces.

“What are you doing here?” Tang Yi frowns, looking at the young police officer who has trespassed into his home without permission.

Sensing that Tang Yi is in a bad mood, Jack explains, “Officer Meng came over early in the morning and no matter how many times I turned him away he wouldn’t leave. He insists on seeing you.”

“I’m busy, please leave,” Tang Yi orders without hesitation.

Barely taking a few steps forward, he’s stopped by Shao Fei with a hand on his chest, preventing him from walking towards the exit.

“I’m here to return this to you.”

And in Shao Fei’s open right palm, sits the lighter he’s been looking for all morning.

“When we were trying to leave the mountain, you dropped it along the way and I picked it up for you. After that I was hospitalised for two days, and it wasn’t until yesterday when I went home that I found this. I know it’s very important to you, sorry it took me so long to return it.”

Tang Yi picks up the lighter and checks it, making sure that it is the one he’s lost.

Where he was frustrated and irritated before, that expression melts into a gentle smile, and to Shao Fei who made this trip specially even though he has yet to fully recover, Tang Yi smiles again and offers his right hand to Shao Fei, “Thank you.”

Shao Fei is slow to react, hesitating before lifting his own hand to return the handshake. He points at his own nose and asks, “Thanking me? Shouldn’t I be the one thanking you instead? Thanks for not leaving the burden that was me behind, and thank you for sending me to the hospital.”

Tang Yi shakes his head, placing the lighter in the inner pocket at his chest, and says, “I don’t want to owe you a favour. What can I help you with?”

“Then tell me what happened four years ago-”

“This is the only thing I cannot give you.”

“Tch,” Shao Fei rolls his eyes, and his expressions screams I knew you were going to say that at Tang Yi. And then jokingly, he adds, “How about this, you treat me to a meal, how about that?”

Ah De scoffs immediately at Shao Fei’s boring suggestion, but much to his shock, the boss who never wants to speak to Shao Fei for more than three minutes at any given time, nods and accepts the other’s invitation.

“Sure, let’s go.”

Seeing Shao Fei leave with Tang Yi just like that, hurt flashes across Ah De’s eyes. The red-haired man standing near the door watches everything with careful eyes, and he smiles coldly, already having guessed Ah De’s feelings all this time.

===

“So you’re really not Tang Guo Dong’s son?”

Inside the restaurant, Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi, who promised him that he will answer all his questions, except those regarding the incident four years ago. He has asked questions about rumors he’s heard about in the underworld and also, those circulating in law enforcement.

So are you and Tang Guo Dong father and son?

Tang Yi answers wistfully, “Unfortunately, I’m not.”

More than anyone, Tang Yi wishes that the man he so respected and looked up to was really his biological father, but the truth is rarely as one wishes it to be. Before he knew Tang Guo Dong and became the Tang Yi he is today, he was an orphan without any parents. Even though he was adopted by a couple later, he lost the only person who was good to him the day his adoptive mother passed away.

When he was twelve, he took the only thing his biological mother left him - a music box - and ran away from the adoptive father who never loved him, or even hugged him, and became a young delinquent living on the streets. After that, he met Hong Ye, only ten years old and who was just like him. So he gained a sister, and also a reason to live. Until Boss Tang passed by the alley by accident and saved the both of them from other gangsters who were bullying them, and they finally ended their days living and fighting on the streets. They found a warm home to belong to, and also a family that doted on them both.

After hearing the story, Shao Fei picks up his glass of coke and downs it all in a single gulp. His eyes turn red from both the spiciness of the dish he’s eating and the carbon dioxide in the gassy drink.

“So stop thinking about what happened four years ago, you’ll never understand how I feel about Boss Tang,” Tang Yi sighs, warning Shao Fei who has persisted on with the investigation on the case from four years ago.

“No, I get it,” Shao Fei says through his tears***, and responds, determined and firm, “Because Li Zhen was not only my senior, but a woman I saw as my mother, so.. I absolutely. Will. Not. Give. Up!”

“Whatever,” Tang Yi replies, picking up his cup of tea and drinking the bitter tea to wash away the ache in his chest that comes whenever he thinks and talks about the past.

The next day

Finally turning up at work, Shao Fei is dragged by Captain Shi to Interpol’s office and the Captain presses down on his head so that Shao Fei can bow in apology.

“I’m sorry, I left the team in the middle of work, and caused trouble for everyone!”

“Meng Shao Fei, for the case four years ago, you’ve been chasing Tang Yi relentlessly. I was actually very impressed by you, but after so many events, I think you are just an impulsive guy, and when you do things you never think about it first.”

“Zheng Qiang, Ah Fei is working very hard on this case,” Captain Shi let go of his hold on Shao Fei’s neck and defends his subordinate with a frown.

“If he works hard on the wrong thing, that’s stupidity. As his officer, don’t you know that doing this is very dangerous?”

Just like the perfectly lined up items on the man’s desk, the Interpol Captain is similarly stern and strict, a man who goes by the books.

“I’m sorry, the person who moved on his own was me, and this has nothing to do with the Captain.”

Shao Fei bows deeply again and apologises, not wanting to see Boss being scolded like this just because of a mistake he made.

“The previous time, you ruined the operation in Thailand. This time, you’ve ruined our plans for Cambodia. This makes me wonder if Team 3 is sincere in cooperating with Interpol on this. Captain Shi you listen to me, we can switch to another unit to be in charge of the case regarding Xing Tian Meng and the drugs’ nest in Cambodia.”

“How can that be? Since this area falls under our team’s purview, of course we will take full responsibility for it.”

The Interpol Captain points at Shao Fei and says angrily, “Then show me the professionalism you guys are supposed to have, especially from him!”

“Of course, I promise this is the last time,” Captain Shi, who never bows to anyone, this time bows deeply in apology to the Interpol Captain.

“And this is the last time I’m believing in your promises. Get out!”

“Yes.”

After leaving the office, both men stare at each other at the corridor outside. Suddenly, Shao Fei bows towards Captain Shi and says, “Boss, I’m sorry.”

“So you know you’re in the wrong?”

“Nnn…” the sad, depressed sound comes from beneath Shao Fei’s bowed head.

“If you know you’re in the wrong, then don’t be so impulsive next time,” Captain Shi shakes his head and pats lightly at Shao Fei’s arm. Then he asks, concerned, “Is your wound all better? What did the doctor say?”****

“Doctors says the wound is healing up nicely, all I have to do is take my medicine on time. Boss…”

“What?”

“Thank you for speaking up for me earlier.”

Captain Shi, who is always either scolding or getting ready to scold someone in Team 3, is struck speechless. In the end, he reaches out and gently ruffles Shao Fei’s hair, a disgusted expression on his face.

“What are you saying thank you for? How gross. Let’s go!”

With his hair now all messed up, Shao Fei looks at Captain Shi’s back as the man leaves in a hurry and smiles at being called gross. With large footsteps, he follows after the Captain.

In a Japanese restaurant

“Ah Fei, Interpol already came over and checked out the place, why did you still come back?” asks Zhao Zi in confusion, looking at Shao Fei who’s back at the place where he saw Tang Yi, right before he got kidnapped.

After asking the staff about the customers who’ve made reservations here in the past few weeks, Shao Fei answers as he walks towards the exit, “I just wanted to check if we’ve missed out on any clues. After all, the men in black that day could have been Chen Wen Hao’s men, and Tang Yi turned up suddenly at this restaurant. It seems that he was intending to bump into Chen Wen Hao as well.”

While he’s busy analysing the situation, Shao Fei suddenly catches a glimpse of a familiar figure, who’re walking towards the parking lot not far away from the restaurant.

“Chen Wen Hao!” Shao Fei shouts and takes off to chase after the man, but he is too late, and all he can do is watch the man he’s looking for disappear in a black car.

“Ah Fei, you’re right, it really is Chen Wen Hao,” pants Zhao Zi, coming up to Shao Fei from behind him and also, feeling impressed at Shao Fei’s deductive abilities.

“Chen Wen Hao… Tang Yi… what exactly is your relationship?”

Shao Fei stares in the direction the car left in, mumbling to himself under his breath.

*wuxia - chinese fantasy/period/kungfu novel - like the Untamed

**in his dreams

***from the punch of both the spicy dish and coke haha

****CRIES Captain Shi loves and cares for Shao Fei why didn’t we get more of this in the show?!!!

#history 3: 圈套 #history3圈套 #history 3: trapped #history3: trap #history3: trapped #history3 novel #translations #history3 merchandise

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montanababe7 · 4 years ago

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Jesus had me write this many years ago. All this to say-Without Jesus, I am nothing. with Jesus-I have everything!

when I had given up on life, HE never gave up on me: JESUS THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS!!! The Journey that HE has taken me on and loving and trusting HIM through the valleys and also remembering HIS Promises-that the things that HE has for us are grand and the best is yet to come! In this year, get ready ready to see HIS GLORY, MAJESTY and POWER fall and come in a way like you have never even seen before, encountered, or ever experienced. Get ready to get immersed and go deep and be drawn into HIS EVERLASTING LOVE AND PRESENCE. The story you are about to read is true. Jesus had me re-write my personal story several years back, and now Jesus has had me bring back to memory on today on June 12th, of 2010 some very precious things to my mind-for remember that when we obey HIM...no matter how horrific or hard the trials may seem to be at the time..when we are placing our hope and our trust in HIM when we are looking back years down the road that we will be able to see the beautiful story line that has actually been written and has also been orchestrated and also brought about through God's everlasting and amazing hand . I asked Jesus to show me some of the things that I had forgotten. This is a story and a life that could only be here to share this story with you today because OF HIS EVERLASTING GREAT LOVE and MERCY! none of it is me! All the GLORY AND THE HONOR GOES alone to HE WHO WAS, WHO IS, and WHO IS TO COME! Praise God Almighty of all Heaven and of all earth. He is forever faithful to HIS WORDS AND PROMISES. TRUST HIM WITH YOUR WHOLE LIFE! WITH ALL THAT YOU ARE AND WITH ALL THAT YOU HAVE! Trust and focus on HIM-on HIM and HIM alone can bring TRUE FULFILLMENT INTO YOUR LIFE! GET READY TO BE IMMERSED! AND to be forever CHANGED BECAUSE OF WHO HE IS! It doesn't matter what you may or may not have done in the past! HE loves you. AND HE CHOOSES you for HIS OWN! REST IN HIM! TRUE SURRENDER IS FOUND in (dying) to yourself and giving HIM all that you are and all that you have: One has the choice to either become bitter or compassionate. (This is my story) I went through alot during high school; and this verse reminds me of God's glory and where He has brought me thus far today, and I know what He shall continue do for HIS everlasting eternal glory as well: Genesis 50:20 (The Message) 19-21 Joseph replied, "Don't be afraid. Do I act for God? Don't you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now—life for many people. Easy now, you have nothing to fear; I'll take care of you and your children." He reassured them, speaking with them heart-to-heart." During my Freshman year in high school, (I went to a small private homeschooling one for that year), everyday I would ask the girls if they would like to hang out with me, and they would always tell me that they were busy and that they would not be able to. Then, they would turn back around to their friends and explain why they would be able to hang out with each other after school. This went on everyday of the school year, and since I was so hurt by that and how I was being treated by them--I tried to commit suicide twice. I am so thankful that Jesus did not allow me to go through with it. ***During the hardest moment of my life--Jesus spoke to my heart and to my ears and said to me, "Jessica, I have loved you with an everlasting love. If you choose to end your life now, the blood of millions will be on your hands." And during that time that He was speaking to my heart...HE had shown me an OPEN vision of hell...I heard the screams, and I saw the souls of those who had refused him...the souls of the damned...everlasting eternal judgment in hell. The very sight of seeing those souls falling into the very pits of hell...shook me to my VERY core....FRIENDS, eternity is forever....it will NEVER be a time for one to be playing games. Yes, eternity is FOREVER....what will you choose...will you be in the wondrous, beautiful, absolutely breathtaking glories of Heaven, or......will you be in the absolute ravenous, horrendous, decaying, putrefying, effects of hell. The Bible calls this place...Sheol....which is known as the place of the dead. of a place of rotting...of a place of decay..dear friends, you never want anyone to go here ever.....there is absolutely.... no life here. there is only agony, endless hours of torment that will last one soul for an eternity, in a place where the heat and the fires are so hot that if one were to endure these flames while they were on earth, that they would not survive. In Mark 9:48 it has this to say about this dreadful place, "Mark 9:48"Where their worm [[a]which preys on the inhabitants and is a symbol of the wounds inflicted on the man himself by his sins] does not die, and the fire is not put out." Hell is a very real place. The screams that I heard while I was shown that vision by Jesus-there were screams of such pain and torment..that no earthly mortal man woman or child on this planet has ever even known...it was a cry of the damned...a cry of excruciating...a torment that is not human...a non-EARTHLY torment. And ever since that time; the PASSION for SOULS has BECOME even GREATER. I DO NOT want to see ANYONE go to hell. JESUS PAID the ULTIMATE PRICE FOR THEM! My Dear friends, it is my prayer that even while you are listening to this song: (Crystal Lewis - just as I am/ I surrender all http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw7cRPykjc4 ) ....that if you don't know Him as your very personal Lord and Savior...and if you were to die today...and you don't know where you would eternity..and you want to know beyond a shadow of doubt...that if you died today that you would go to Heaven, then pray this prayer with me...Jesus, I just want to thank you so very much for dying for ME on the cross. Thank you so much for your love and also for the sacrifice that you have made just for me-just for me knowing that even if I was the only one that was on this earth that you still would have came and died just for me. Jesus please come into my heart and thank you so much for writing and recording my Name down in the Lamb's Book of Life. Thank you Father God so much for your love and for sending your precious Son down to this earth to save me from my sins and to redeem me! Thank you so much Father God. Thank you. Love your Child. (Even as you are reading the following segments of my high school story-please know this, that no matter how difficult or how trying your present situation might be...Jesus is the very one who will never abandon you....one who will NEVER ever reject you...He loves you....even during those times in my life....that I thought that I was dying on the inside...everyday when I woke up I said this to Jesus, " Jesus, Thank you for giving me just one more day.If I'm in Heaven tomorrow..that means that I will be in Heaven in everlasting eternity with you..that's fine...thank you for keeping me safe today. I trust you. thank you for helping me to protect my heart..no matter how hard this day might be I know that I have you right beside me to carry me all along the way through this" "I Am Not Alone" By Natalie Grant (FULL) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPfTrVl_pzA You're Here In My Heart You're the Light That Guides Me Through The Dark You Walk Beside Me The Night Seems Cold Each Time I Fall Your Arms Are There To Hold Chorus: You Walk Beside Me Giving Strength I've Never Known I Am Not Alone You Walk Beside Me You're Here In My Mind I talk To You And All My Fears Unwind I Know I'm Loved For who I am You Make Me Wanna Be The Best I can Repeat Chorus And I rely on your patience When I face the unknown and because of you I am not alone In the sun, In the rain Through the good times and the pain I reach out for your hand I know that you understand Repeat Chorus ...looking back, this is the poem that speaks to me the most... (Footprints Poem)'One night I dreamed a dream. I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord. When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma. "Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me." He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." Remember that, no matter what your current situation might be-what you might be facing right now, Jesus will NEVER leave your side ever, He loves you :)... During my Sophomore year, I was new to the public school in my town. I was chosen to be the homecoming representative for my Sophomore class; and the very next day I found a note in my locker that said, "The only real reason why you were chosen is because you are a huge joke and you are only a pawn in the game, and the whole school hates you. -Signed, Anonymous." And afterwards, some of the girls came at me like lions with their claws out. My grades went down tremendously for a short time, as well as, during the cross country season. Where I was running in the Junior High Level; and the girls that did not like me were running in the Junior Varsity and on the Varsity Level. They decided with some of their friends, that they were going to come back to where I was running and knock me down--this happened several times. Needless to say, I was absolutely terrified--and every single day I gave everything to Jesus. (My fears, my concerns, and my what-ifs?). I was always kind to them, and I never said one unkind thing to them and I always forgave them. During my Junior year, while the cross country season was going on--some of the girls decided to play a mean trick on me. They told me that they were going to do something that had to do with cross country tradition. In my mind, I thought that it was going to be a memorable time, but it turned out to be a very horrific experience for me. Two of the girls on the team, decided to pull my shorts down in front of all of the football players and then another time in front of all of the cross country guys at a sectional meet. During the middle of that year, in my Sociology class--the topic of aids came up and I told my class that the only real way to prevent aids was Abstinence. There was a two week debate that went on: with the controversy of Condoms vs. Abstinence. The whole school was mad at me for what my standards and opinions were. This Foreign exchange student--who was from Norway, she decided to yell at me since I was not ashamed to be a Christian and that I was standing up for Purity. All of my friends just watched her yell at me. It broke my heart to realize that they did not care enough about my friendship with with them--to stand up for me. I chose to serve Jesus with everything in me, instead of wanting to become popular. There would be so many times that I would ask Jesus, "Why am I going through this? Why does this have to hurt so much?" I lost all of my friends during my Junior year. I would always be sitting alone in the cafeteria, and other times I would I would be reading my Bible next to my locker. When I was typing up Bible verses on the computer, all I could think was, "God, I FEEL like I am DYING on the INSIDE!" JESUS, HELP me--PLEASE HELP me to stay STRONG. I CAN'T do this on my OWN. I CAN'T do this WITHOUT YOU!" There would often be tear stains on the pages. I never cried in front of anyone at school; but when I got home--I would BEGIN to POUR my heart out to my HEAVENLY FATHER, and tell HIM everything that was going ON. ***IN those moments, I could feel HIS LOVING ARMS AROUND me. TELLING me that it was going to be alright. THAT HE would NEVER leave me NOR would HE EVER forsake me. HE SHOWED me that DURING those TIMES I cried, HE was CRYING WITH me. At the end of my Junior year, two girls who were in my cross country team, pulled me into the locker room and said to me, "You are no longer welcome at our school. If you want to speak about your religion and your ridiculous beliefs--you should go to a small little churchy school--where people will actually want to listen to what you are saying." At that moment, I truly felt like Peter and the other Apostles when the pharisees told them that were to no longer speak of or to even mention this Jesus Christ of Nazareth. But the disciples told them, It is far better to obey God than man. We will NEVER stop PREACHING this gospel." Genesis 50:20 (The Message) 19-21 Joseph replied, "Don't be afraid. Do I act for God? Don't you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now—life for many people. Easy now, you have nothing to fear; I'll take care of you and your children." He reassured them, speaking with them heart-to-heart." The thing that these very two precious girls did not understand at the time was that they were actually prophesying about the Bible School that I would be going to this fall! Glory to God! And the school is about 200 or so people. SO the school is a Small Bible College-so what these two girls intended to say to crush me with their words,,,years down the road NOW in 2010, I can NOW see that had God intended ALL of this for HIS GOOD! During my Senior year, I decided to start a Christian club. It was also titled: Pilgrim's Progress: Life is a Journey. The meetings were every Wednesday morning from 7:15-7:40. (I was always there by 7). It was based on leading people to Jesus and promoting purity. Kids would knock me down in the hallways, and they would push the books out of my arms, and they also chose to tear down many of the posters that I had taped around the school hallways. Several had chosen to write some very nasty and vulgar comments on the posters. The very girls who were so cruel to me during my Sophomore and Junior years, and the girls who were on my Cross Country Team became more respectful to me. ! My heart's cry during high school was to be Jesus to the world. HE did SAY that in this life that we would experience heartache, pain, and trials; but to know that HE has OVERCOME the world!!!!!!!!!! Imagine me without you w/lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB7iehGN8JE&feature=related As long as stars shine down from heaven And the rivers run into the sea Til the end of time forever You’re the only love I’ll need In my life you’re all that matters In my eyes the only truth I see When my hopes and dreams have shattered You’re the one that’s there for me When I found you I was blessed And I will never leave you, I need you Chorus: Imagine me without you I’d be lost and so confused I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid Without you there to see me through Imagine me without you Lord, you know it’s just impossible Because of you, it’s all brand new My life is now worthwhile I can’t imagine me without you When you caught me I was falling You’re love lifted me back on my feet It was like you heard me calling And you rush to set me free When I found you I was blessed And I will never leave you, I need you Chorus When I found you I was blessed And I will never leave you, I need you oh Chorus I can’t imagine me without you Friends, God has never promised us that in this life that we would have it EASY-but to know that He would always be with us. That He would never leave our side. But that He would always be with us. That He would never leave US, and nor would He ever forsake US! You are so loved by HIM! At the end of my Senior year, I was taking a class that dealt with alot of research work, and at the end of the semester everyone had to give a presentation on the topic of their choice. I chose to use my platform on Abstinence. The presentation was about thirty-five minutes. The thing that I thought was rather strange was the fact that when I began to address the group,the room was very cool. One of the things that I spoke about was the fact that there is no condom or birth control pill that can guarantee you that will not have a broken heart in the end. There are so many PRECIOUS girls that choose to give themselves away, and the very next morning they discover that they are alone. I also talked about the beautiful and redeeming truth that Jesus can give anyone a second chance in that area in their life if they choose to ask HIM for it. And that it is not too late. For a BRIEF second, and many of the girls began to tear up---but within a short time; their eyes became hard again. And SUDDENLY the room became very hot. When I finished giving the presentation, everyone said that they hated me. When I walked into the girls bathroom, all of the girls from my research class were standing in a corner talking about me, and asked if I wanted to join them. I turned...and walked away. **Throughout my high school career, I had received two nicknames-that spoke about my stance on Purity. One of the nicknames was "Prude" and the other one was "Mom". There is a story that goes along with the reason why I was called "mom"-I was always telling guys to grow up, to not look at girlie magazines, and to start treating girls with the utmost honor, dignity, and also RESPECT. And because of this, many times as I would be walking down the school hallway to my locker-the area was known as the "Senior Hallway"...as I was making my way there, the guys would part a line in the hallway-which reminded me of the time in the Bible when Moses had used the Staff that God given to him when he had parted the Red Sea. In the time during our senior awards-it was also the time when our class was preparing for the graduation process. Our student President was calling students up to receive their various awards that the other students in our grade had voted on..."most athletic, most popular, best class smile." It was during that time, when one of the guys stood up and had this to say, "If any guy ever tries to ask Jessica Farnam out; she will deny him so fast that he won't know what hit him." ***During the whole summer after my graduation, no one called me. The one thing that Jesus kept on showing me that I was in the desert period--and during that difficult and trying season; it was a time of preparation for something great! Genesis 50:20 (The Message) 19-21 Joseph replied, "Don't be afraid. Do I act for God? Don't you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now—life for many people. Easy now, you have nothing to fear; I'll take care of you and your children." He reassured them, speaking with them heart-to-heart." I want you to know that no matter how hard your life may seem to be at the time, God's desire is for us to be remembering HIS Promises....about 5-8 years ago I would have had no idea that I would be writing each of you the many parts of the story and also the journey of my life...and also the fact that the very thing that these very two precious girls had spoken negatively to my heart about years ago, that God would be pivot-ally using for his glory to be launching me into a Bible School where my heart will be used to be speaking to and also praying with the very age group that had caused me to vow at one point in my life that I would never again want to step foot in a public high school ever again. Working and also being used by HIS everlasting eternal glories in the Ministries of Love and also of Reconciliation. One beautiful thing that I am remembering even right now is this, now about five years ago-one of the girls who had been so very cruel to me and then who had became a dear friend, had said this to me the morning of our senior lock-in party that was hosted at the Middle School at around 6:30 a.m. in the morning, with tears in her eyes she had said this to me,"Jessica, Please promise me...don't ever change." I have cared deeply for my classmates for years, and even though our opinions have been different--through the test of time--they know that I care about them. When people have deeply hurt us in the past; are we going to be harsh and cruel back to them, or are we going to try to make a difference in their lives and love them like Jesus loves them? ~Remember, that SOMETIMES hurting people HURT people; and what they REALLY NEED IS....UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! This song that has been written and sung by Avalon....is also my story of what God has done in my life. I can't live a day without HIM. So as you are listening to the Words of the this song....just allow HIM to simply love on you and for you to know that there is absolutely NOTHING greater in this entire world than JESUS. SO remember, the next time you feel like giving up, giving up all hope, and when everything seems black...that there is no more life inside of you...remember that JESUS has never given up on you....but HE has always been there...loving you and simply cheering you on. Telling you that you can make it...that you can do it and stay strong no matter how hard the the things, circumstances, or situations may be...He will always there by your side. HE is THE greatest and best friend that you and I will ever have. Oh my Dear friends, remember, we are the reason why He gave us HIS life-because He loved us so much that He didn't want to spend eternity in HEAVEN without us. This song...is my song, but it can also be yours too. Just simply allow HIM to love on you and to show you how much HE always loved you. That it doesn't matter what you've done, where you've been, or what you've seen. JESUS LOVES YOU AND HE HAS SUCH A GREAT PLAN AND A PURPOSE FOR YOUR LIFE! YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE CHERISHED AND ARE CHOSEN BY AND FOR HIM FOR HIS GLORY AND FOR HIS HEART! YOU ARE HIS REST IN HIS LOVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS....REST THERE IN HIS LOVE AND IN HIS EVERLASTING PRESENCE. FOR REMEMBER, HE CARES FOR YOU...AND LOVES YOU SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH! If you are one who has never even known or has never even received the Father's love and this message has been speaking to not only your heart but also to your spiritman this entire time and you want to receive and to also know the Father's love personally-not just hearing about this man who is called Jesus, but that He suddenly is NOW becoming your everything and lives and also abides on the inside of your heart. That there is such a peace in your heart about knowing that YES you do have everlasting eternal life... Philippians 4:7 that truly does surpass all understanding. God's desire is to see the lost, the hurting, and the broken hearts of this nation and around this world BE totally set FREE by HIS love. Yes, the pressures of this day can be tough. The enemy wants nothing more than to destroy our very dreams, our lives, who we are, and it all begins is with causing us to question-to doubt-to ponder-to contradict who God has called us to be, that did God really make us special? There are many of you WHO even right now are saying this to God, 'But you don't even know me, what about the situation where I have been? Huh? what about the great big party scene that is soo hot.where..all of my friends are there? Did you see that I was pushed around, didn't you see me with one two many swigs of beers? didn't you see me messin around with all of the guys and the girls? Didn't you see me wasting my life away? Where were you when my life was so messed up. when I was crying my eyes out. What has your religion-your love ever done for me. I mean ya sure I have seen those Jesus thumpers. Those who claim to know so much about you and your 'amazing love' why would you even want me? i mean after ALL that i have done. After all of the cussin the I said and all of those things that I swore up and down. What about when my old man used to beat me so many nights and what about my old lady who was so high as the sky that she didn't even know what the next day was? Where were you huh when I was abused? Why do you even care? I mean I have been wanting love-but I guess I have been looking for it in all of the wrong places. I have always wanted to know that there is someone who would never leave me or ever forsake me. But then again, I see those Christians those people who tell me that you Jesus have changed their life...I see the love of God I guess that's what it is. I see so much bright light in their eyes and in their entire countenance. They come to work with all smiles even when everyone else is having a bad day...I mean what gives...I don't understand it. I mean sure I try to act all cool and tough on the outside ...but deep down i mean man...I'm dying on the inside....I want to know that peace that they are talkin about that you are offerin to ME. that your love is real. And that it will take all of my problemz away that you will change me. With your amazing blood. But then again, when I am around those who say that they are yours and belong to you..I feel so much LOVE. Far more than I ever had when I was getting high-getting drunk or having fun at a party. Jesus, if you are real. than I want to know you. I want to know your love. I am tired of always trying to be cool-and then coming back home to my room and feeling totally empty on the inside so totally wasted and deflated. Jesus I want to know you. I want you to be my very everything.' And the enemy of our souls has been trying to use the lies of the voices of those people who are all around us...that are trying plant in little seeds of doubt. Just as the way as God plants little mustard seeds of hope and of light Matt. 13:31,32; Mark 4:30-32; Luke 13:18,19, so in the same way the enemy is trying to sow in seeds of discord and disunity among/amongst the brethren! And even now, young people and adults alike God is offering you hope right now. And this hope cannot be FOUND in the methods or in the means of this life of this world....but it CAN only be found through the blood and the love of Jesus. And if this is you today, you need a hope, and a friend who will never let you down. Call on Jesus right now. IN God's Word He tells in Romans 10:9-13 that if you confess with your mouth and if you believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead than you shall be saved! Then Pray this Prayer with me right now, Jesus, I just want to thank you so very much for dying for ME on the cross. Thank you so much for your love and also for the sacrifice that you have made just for me-just for me knowing that even if I was the only one that was on this earth that you still would have came and died just for me. Jesus please come into my heart and thank you so much for writing and recording my Name down in the Lamb's Book of Life. Thank you Father God so much for your love and for sending your precious Son down to this earth to save me from my sins and to redeem me! Thank you so much Father God. Thank you. Love your Child. Romans 10:9-13 My dear friend, the prayer that you just prayed, is not only a prayer but it is ALSO a declaration of Making Jesus being the Lord and Savior of your life and of also being your King. For you see,that when you prayed that prayer, your heart has been wiped clean. All of those things that you have done wrong in the past-He has forever wiped away forever clean by HIS blood that He has shed for YOU on that cross. And the peace that you are going to be feeling in your heart-is one that no one or not even ANYONE in this world can begin to compare to the peace that He shall bring to your heart through HIS love EVEN RIGHT NOW. Now, please go and tell everyone, all of your friends, your neighbors, those who are dear to you, AND everyone about what our Dear Lord and Savior Jesus has Just done for you! Get ready to see God truly do such a deep change not only in your life, but also in that of the lives that are living and are around you. They will see the change that has not only taken place in your life-but they will also see the reason. They will also be able to begin to see the Father's love in your eyes. And the peace that also will be exhibiting so much in your life! Welcome into the Family of God my dear friend, welcome! Also, get ready to see the changed lives that are about take PLACE ALL around you. For you see, when you begin to share with others what Jesus has just done for you in your life this is also a part of your testimony...and the story of what you can share with others. This is A part of your battle cry, and of God is calling you out to now go and to Choose to go and make a stand and also a difference for HIM in this nation and also all around the four corners of this earth/world-showing others HIS love. And of the change that HAS taken place in your life! You will be glad that you did...so glad that you did! God bless you as you continue embark with me and so many others of us as we continue to press even deeper into Father God's Side and telling others-so many others about what God has just done and will continue doing in EACH and EVERY ONE of our Lives! God bless you always, Jessica Can't Live A Day - Avalon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGCQnwn2hIQ I could live life alone And never feel the longings of my heart The healing warmth of someone's arms And I could live without dreams And never know the thrill of what could be With every star so far and out of reach I could live with many things And I could carry, but...I couldn't face my life tomorrow Without Your hope in my heart I know I can't live a day without You Lord, there's no night and there's now morning Without Your loving arms to hold me You're the heartbeat of all I do I can't live a day without you I could travel the world See all the wonders beautiful to me They'd only make me think of You And I could have all life offers Riches that were far beyond compare To grant my wish without a care Oh, I could do anything And I could carry on, oh yes But if you weren't in at all... Jesus, I live because You live You're like the air I breathe Oh Jesus, oh, I have because You give You're everything to me Oh... Mercy Seat by Vicki Yohe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ7BFCOowzE&feature=PlayList&p=3DCC273D1C1788B8&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=5 In the darkness Where everything is unknown I face the power of sin on my own I did not know of a place I could go Where I could find a way to Heal my wounded soul. He said that I could come into His presence without fear Into the Holy Place where His mercy hovers near I'm runnin' I'm runnin' I'm runnin' to the mercy seat Where Jesus is callin' he said His grace would cover me His blood will flow freely It will provide the healin' Come runnin' to the mercy seat I'm runnin; to the mercy seat. Are you livin' where hope has not been? You're lost in the curse of a Lifetime of sin Lovely illusions they never Come true I know where there's a place Of mercy for you He said that you could come into his Presence without fear Into this Holy Place Where his presence hovers near. Come runnin' come runnin' Come runnin' to the mercy seat Where Jesus is callin' He said his Grace would cover you. His blood Will flow freely it will provide the healin' Come runnin' to the mercy seat I'm runnin' to the mercy seat He said that you could come into His presence Without fear into the holy place Where His mercy hovers near

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alex-guerin · 7 years ago

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Okay, so...back on New Years Eve, I hung out with a friend most of the night, we went to Lincolnshire to see the final performance of “NEWSIES” and then I dropped her back off at her car and went over to Jason’s with ten minutes to spare before midnight. It was the first time in a long time he’d been able to stay up until midnight on NYE. His mom was there, I got to meet her, all great, cool, terrific. Next weekend I ended up at his house again, she was still there, got to hang with his entire family, including his kids, and the next morning before I left I asked his mom if I could add her to my Facebook friends. Y’know, in case I needed someone to talk to about him and everything and didn’t know where else to turn.

Long story short, she and I are FB friends and chat occasionally. Yes, our favorite subject to talk about happens to be her son lol!

Thursday afternoon Jason sent me a text that pretty much deserved an explanation and I never got one out of him. I went to bed upset, didn’t hardly sleep, woke up frustrated and exhausted and made a post on FB about how sending me a text 20 minutes before I’m supposed to fall asleep and not giving any explanation when asked about it is a shit move, now I felt like crap, thanks for that, and then went to work. His mom saw it and commented on it, told me to just keep holding on, take things one day at a time, things would be okay. Well, after work I posted again, saying how I really wanted to just say “fuck it” and try to get him to have the Conversation I’d been wanting to have with him in person, via text after all (he had to call off work yesterday because 1: his stomach was upset; and 2: Uber double charged him the day before so now his card was all fucked up and he wasn’t able to get a ride into work. ...I told him next time that happens, call work and tell them you’re gonna be late, but you’ll be there and I will go pick his ass up. 4:30 am traffic, it’d take me 10 minutes to get to his house! I know it would, cuz it takes just about 15 minutes to get there from work during mid-morning traffic. I’ve done it. I’ve timed it). I debated for a while about whether I should leave the post open for his mom to see or not, and finally decided I would. I hadn’t listed any names, but I knew she’d know I was talking about him just the same.

At 2:35 my phone buzzed at me. It wasn’t my usual text message, prolonged buzz, it was the quick, double buzz it does when my FB messenger gets a message. I was trying to figure out how to answer a text to Jason, looked down and saw his mom’s picture in the corner of my phone and panicked all the more. She’d seen my post, I already knew that’s why she was texting me. I cautiously opened her message and saw this: “Alyssa, please do not get hurt. I just read your post. Just be yourself and put it in God’s hands. He is a complicated man, extremely difficult to figure out. In the past he has had his heart broken so many times so he has literally put up a shield and hardened his heart. Just wanted you to know some things about his past. And as you can tell his relationship with [The Ex] is difficult on everyone.” I admitted to her that I hadn’t been sure whether I should make that post visible to her or not, but that I was glad I had decided to and that she messaged me. I told her how I’d been thinking of messaging her to ask about him, but I wasn’t even sure what I’d say or anything (I didn’t tell her that I’d had more than a few people tell me, “WHAT!? Don’t message his MOM! Dude! That’s just weird! Creeper! Seriously! Don’t message her!”). She told me I could call or text her anytime. She may not have all the answers, but she does know her son.

She and I texted back and forth for HOURS! Literally! HOURS! I don’t think you understand...HOOOOOOOOOOURS! From 2:35pm until 9pm! All about him, and me, and me and him. She confirmed soooooo many things that I had only assumed or suspected, and said so many things that explained why he is the way he is right now. I told her that Jason had told me that The Ex had left and taken the kids, but he didn’t say anything more than that, and I didn’t want to cause him any pain by asking why she’d left...so I asked if she’d be willing to tell me. And Oh. My. God. If I ever meet his ex, I swear to God, I will make her regret EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!!! His mom explained to me how their marriage went down the hole because of this habitually lying bitch! All the things this woman did to him! I was SOBBING as I read her message! She also said how anytime Jason brings up divorce (because he wants one), this bitch changes the subject! This bitch HAS A BOYFRIEND! But she still keeps sending Jason mixed messages and stringing him along, and using their kids as pawns. She calls demanding something and Jason has to jump through hoops in order to see his kids. She wants something, she’ll tell Jason the kids “need” something, and he’ll just hand the cash over. I just...I cannot believe this bitch.

Because of this bitch (I refuse to call her “this woman” because no. She’s a bitch and that’s what I’m calling her), Jason’s confidence is shot. He doesn’t like himself anymore (so his mom says, and I can see that at times). She literally drove him to drinking and drugs. He never use to do either until their problems started and he felt his marriage falling apart around him. I told his mom that I do my very best, and I try very hard, to remind him that he’s a great a guy, that he’s my hero and My Superman, and that he’s the hardest working guy back in our department -- that so many people are lost when he’s not there. I’ve unwittingly been trying to build his confidence back up. She told me that his life is literally a wreck right now. That he’s an emotional rollercoaster because of his day-to-day life at the moment; he’ll be at the top of the world one minute, being the boy she remembers, and then in the blink of an eye it’s all gone again.

I’m not giving up on him. I told his mom this. I REFUSE to be another person who abandons him. His dad walked out when he was a kid -- leaving his mom to raise him and his brother alone -- I don’t know what happened in Jason’s past relationships, if he ended them or the girls did, but he’s been hurt before because of them, and then the woman he married -- who supposedly loved him enough to marry him -- up and leaves and takes his children with her. No. He’s had too many people abandon him in his life. I’m not going to do it. He stole my heart back in August when I got him to laugh and smile at me. And he’s stolen it over and over again every day since then. I dunno if I woke up remembering the end of a dream, or if this vivid thought was seriously the first thing that popped into my head this morning, but it was me and him sitting in my car in his driveway, talking about things. I took his hand and put it over my heart and told him, “This is yours. It’s been yours for a while now. It’s gonna stay yours, whenever you’re ready to trust yourself again, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” I was laying in bed and I could literally feel the pressure and warmth of a hand over my heart, even though there wasn’t one.

I’ve had so many people tell me the last couple of days that I need to just give up and move on. That he’s not worth the tears and upsets he keeps causing me. Well, now that I know why he does the things he does a bit better, hopefully I can remind myself of those things anytime my insecurities and anxieties start flaring up. His mom told me if I thought he was worth it, then to be patient with him and to get him to talk. Well, I generally do a fairly good job at getting him to talk to me. Not verbally cuz me and him both have trouble being verbal, but text wise, yeah. I can get him to open up through written words more times than not. His mom said right now what he needs (and all that he can truly offer) is a good friend who makes him laugh, flirt, and is there acting crazy and fun. Well, she already told me I’m such a good friend to him, I swore months ago -- before me and him even started texting -- that it was my goal to make him laugh every day, we definitely have the flirting thing down (somedays to an extreme......O.O oh yeah, forgot to mention, Wednesday I stayed after to help him with shipment day, me and him were alone in the freezer together, I told him to meet me down in the ice cream room cuz, well, i was gonna be inappropriate and let him cop a feel. He met me down there, hopped off his forklift, pulled his skimask down to uncover his mouth, took half a step towards me with his hands outstretched to take hold of my hips and pull me in...and yeah, I blew it! My brain was screaming for me to shut up, he was gonna pull me in for a kiss, but my mouth was already going, “Close your eyes...” I texted him once I got out to my car, asking if I seriously just missed my chance to make out with him in the ice cream room. He answered back “Yup”. The only times he’s ever kissed me have been while he’s drunk or high or both. He wasn’t either on Wednesday. I was gonna get to make out with a sober Jason, during work, and I blew it!!! ...yes yes, it’s for the best, but DAMN!!! I am STILL kicking myself for that!!!!! *HEAD DESK!*), and I’m definitely crazy and fun! I challenge him to video game battles! I recently challenged him to a snowball fight once we get snowball fight grade snowfall, and he agreed to the snowball fight! So, I mean, I’ve been doing all the things his mom says he needs and I’ve been doing them since before she said anything!

I’m not a religious person by any means, but I have been praying, every day. Praying that Jason finds the courage to overcome his fears and take a chance with me; that his heart heals so that he’s willing to open it up to me more than he has already; praying that I’m able to have this and him; that I want to be there for him and his kids. This morning I woke up calm and sure and with a very strong sense of “No.” coursing through me. I’m not giving up on him. I’m not abandoning him. He’s my boy, he’s my guy, he’s my hero and I’m gonna fight for him. I’m gonna be the friend he needs, and I’m gonna continue to try and build his confidence back up. And maybe, hopefully, when he’s ready to try again...he’ll realize that I stuck with him through all the ups, downs, twists, turns, and loops of his emotional rollercoaster ride. I asked him once before, back in October, if he was ready for another shot at a relationship, would I even stand a chance with him? His answer was “Of course”. He’s remembered other things I told him back in October that I had forgotten I told him, so here’s hoping when the time comes, he remembers that too.

#Personal log #he's doomed now #I've latched on and become determined #I'm not letting go #I'm gonna fight for him #Jason Stobaugh you stole my heart

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coughdontfeelwellcough · 8 years ago

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Unforgivable?

Let me introduce you to two boys of mine. Nathan and Connor. They’re both in their early 20s, dated for nearly 3 years before they broke up and hoped never to have to see each other again but tragedy has a funny way of bringing people together.

After a long day at the office there was nothing Connor wanted more than to curl up on his sofa with a takeaway and a new episode of The Walking Dead. It wasn’t that he disliked his job, the opposite in fact, he loved working for one of the city's biggest newspapers it just meant there were some hard days and long nights. He came back to his apartment and sighed, home at last; he left his bag by the door and went around turning on the lights and switching on the tv. He’d never had gotten used to the silence, it had been months and at first he thought he’d enjoy the peace but instead it just felt like something was missing. He really must get around to getting a cat, something to keep him company at least. Connor tried to ignore the nagging feeling of loneliness and put the kettle on, a nice hot drink to sooth a stress filled day why he ordered his favorites from the place down the road. He’d sat down, mug of tea steaming on the coffee table and an old episode of Friends playing on the tv while he waited for the latest zombie adventure.He flicked through the menu from the takeaway like he didn’t already know what he was going to have, his order hadn’t changed in months. He was all settled in for the night, letting the mindless tv relax him when his phone buzzed with an incoming message. Connor assumed it was his sister informing him of the newest trouble his nephew had gotten up to, instead there was a number on the screen rather than a name, a number he knew all too well. It belonged to his ex boyfriend Nathan, Connor hadn’t heard from him since their not so easy break up almost five months ago. He decided to open it rather than just delete it, even if it was just to laugh at his exes drunk declaration of love.

‘Hi Connor, I’m sorry to get in contact like this but I didn’t know who else to talk to. Mum’s died and well I know how fond of you she was and I know that’s it wrong of me to ask but I could really do with someone to talk to, feel free to ignore this message if not and again I’m sorry.’

Connor felt like someone had just stamped on his heart, Mrs Fletcher was dead. He knew she’d been ill for a long time, all through his and Nathan’s relationships but to hear that she’d died was something else. She’d been a lovely woman and one Connor had missed ever since the break up. He read through Nathan’s message again, he couldn’t imagine how the younger man was feeling, his mum was the only family he had and she was gone. He thought about the request to talk and then looked at the takeaway menu abandoned next to his lukewarm cup of tea, if Nathan had reached out to him then he really did need someone and Connor couldn’t deny that, no matter how things had ended between them. He picked up his phone and send a quick text back.

‘Do you still live on Baxter Street and have you eaten?’

It only took a few minutes for Nathan to reply, just enough time for Connor to have changed from his work clothes to something comfortable.

‘Yes and no.’

‘I’ll be there in half an hour.’

Connor didn’t wait for a reply before putting his phone in his pocket and grabbing his jacket, leaving his apartment and quiet night in behind.

The takeaway place was about halfway between Connor and Nathan’s apartments, it had been their favourite once upon a time. As Connor stood waiting to make his order he tried not to think about what it would be like seeing Nathan again, he’d been so careful to avoid the younger even if it meant giving up some of his old hangouts. It wasn’t going to be some awkward meeting in the frozen food aisle of local Tesco, Nathan needed him and he’d long forgotten what that felt like, to be needed by someone. He knew Nathan wouldn’t have turned to him if there was anyone else but he’d never been good at sharing his feelings so maybe no one else even knew about Mrs Fletcher, the thought made Connor’s blood run cold. When it was his turn at the front of que Connor didn’t even have to think about his order, he’d made it so many times before. The old lady who ran the place gave Connor a smile but he didn’t say anything, it wasn’t something he felt like he could explain, he just paid and left, picking his pace up so the food would stay warm.

Within ten minutes he was walking up the stairs in Nathan’s building, he didn’t need to ask what apartment, he had the door number burned into his memory from the last time he walked away, closing the door behind him. He stopped outside number 15 and knocked, he felt like his stomach was tying itself in knots and his palms were sweaty and after a few moments the door opened. Nathan stood there looking like a complete mess, his dark hair was tangled and sticking up all over the place, he was pale and dark circles surrounded his blue eyes.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Connor asked, trying to sound casual and not like a bundle of nerves.

“Not great,” Nathan replied before turning and coughing harshly into his arm. “And I feel like shit.”

Connor saw the redness of his nose and the slight wheeze to his breathing, Nathan had obviously caught something as well as having lost his mum, Connor tried to ignore the pang sympathy in his heart.

“Well I brought Maggie’s so hopefully that’ll make you feel better.”

Nathan let Connor into his apartment, leading him back into the living room. Connor was surprised at how little everything had changed, the only real difference was the level of mess (Nathan never was the tidy one,) the tissues and bottles of cold medicine scattered about the place. Nathan ambled back to what was his spot on the sofa, sitting down amongst a pile of blankets and picking up a tissue to blow his nose. Connor just stood awkwardly at the edge of the room, unsure of what to do but with the food getting cold in his arms he had to make a move. He sat down in a chair opposite Nathan and started unpacking the tubs of food onto the already crowded coffee table.

“Sorry I would’ve cleaned up before you came but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything,” Nathan said before breaking off into another coughing fit.

Connor just frowned and helped Nathan clear away the used tissues and empty pill bottles into the bin.

“Let me get us some plates,” Nathan said but as he tried to stand he just fell back down. “Sorry got dizzy.”

“No worries, I’ll get them,” Connor said.

He still pretty much remembered where everything was in Nathan’s apartment and found the plates and cutlery without much trouble. He hadn’t expected Nathan to be so sick, he hadn’t mentioned anything. Connor had expected an emotional mess, all ugly crying and grieving, instead Nathan looked like a sick puppy. No Connor, don’t start thinking like that.

“Found them!”

Connor came back to find Nathan staring blankly at the wall,he looked like he was about to burst into tears, Connor prepared himself for the worst but instead Nathan covered his face with his hands and sneezed.

“Hisssccchhhhoooo, hissscchhhhoooo, hiiissscccchhhoooooo,”

“Bless you.”

“Ugh thanks,” Nathan sniffed, wiping his nose with one of ratty looking tissues.

Connor placed the plates on the table and started dishing out the food. He tried not to focus on the memories creeping up on him, of them eating the same takeaway, in the same apartment, on the same sofa. Connor was snapped away from memory lane as Nathan coughed, it sounded painful and he didn’t seem able to stop. Connor scrabbled for a glass of water on the table and pressed into Nathan’s shaking hands.

“Small sips, it’ll help.”

It felt like forever before Nathan was able to stop, his breath shaky as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, taking a few more sips of water.

Connor wanted to say something, to ask whether he’d been to a Doctor or just to ask if he needed anything but he didn’t. Nathan wasn’t his to worry over anymore. He returned to putting out the food as Nathan blew his nose, sounding no less stuffed up.

“Here you are, something to eat will help,” Connor said, holding out a plate covered with Nathan’s favourite food.

The sick man looked up and for a second Connor thought he saw the hint of a smile, food always had been the way to his heart.

“Thank you,” he said, taking the plate onto his lap.

“You don’t have to keep saying thank you, it’s fine, really.”

Nathan just shrugged and began to eat. It was quiet why they ate neither of them knowing what to say to break the ice. Connor was pleased to see Nathan eating something, he had no idea the last time he would have had anything and he was so skinny to start with. When they had first started dating Connor found out that forgetting to eat was an act Nathan was prone to, it had taken a few months to train it out of him but it seemed like old habits die hard. Nathan eventually pushed his plate away after eating about half, as he was sick and probably didn’t have much of an appetite Connor didn’t push it.

“Can’t beat a good Maggie’s dinner,” Connor said, trying to get passed the awkwardness.

“Yeah I’ve missed their stuff.”

It hadn’t crossed Connor’s mind that because he’d been able to keep Maggie’s that Nathan would have given it up. He’d always loved their food so much, Connor felt a stab of guilt for having taken that from him. They fell into silence again, only broken when Nathan succumb to a sneezing fit.

“HIssshhhooooo, hissschhhooooo, hiiisscccchhhoooooo.”

“Bless you.”

“Thanks,” he sniffed, getting out another tissue. “Look I’m sorry about this, I didn’t mean to ask you over just to watch me sneeze and cough, I just didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t know who else to…. Hiscchhhhoooo, hisscchhhoooo.”

“It’s okay, I know you can’t help it.”

“I just miss her.”

Nathan’s voice was so quiet it barely a whisper, croaky and tired.

“I miss her too, I found myself buying lemon tea because it reminded me of her.”

Nathan gave a laugh before it turned it a rough cough.

“She would have liked that,” he said.

“The world will be a duller place without her, she was a real wonderful woman,” Connor said and he meant it too. He’d never met anyone like Mrs Violet Fletcher, to be so caring and loving, especially when she was so, so ill.

“Yeah she..I… wa…”

Nathan stumbled over his words and for the first time Connor honestly thought he was going to cry, instead he just stared at his hands, sniffling.

“At least she’s not in pain anymore,” Connor said, he’d never been the best at comforting people and the fact it was ex boyfriend in need of comforting made it even harder to find the words.

“That’s… That’s what everyone at the hospital kept saying but.. But she’s still gone, and I know how selfish it sounds but I want her here with me.” His voice cracked. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Connor watched, feeling helpless as Nathan put his face in his hands and cried. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen him cry but seeing him in such a mess wasn’t not something Connor felt prepared for. He didn’t say anything, just got up from his chair opposite and sat beside Nathan, putting an arm around his shaking shoulders.

“You’re going to be okay,” Connor tried to reassure him but his words felt hollow.

Nathan’s crying turned to coughing and Connor rubbed his back, he could feel the heat radiating through his thin cotton shirt.

“Hey, look at me a moment.”

Nathan raised his head, his eyes red from crying with tears on his cheeks and nose running. He looked like a little boy in need of his mum, scared and alone. Connor placed his wrist to Nathan’s forehead and frowned.

“You’re really warm, do you have anything you can take?” Connor asked.

“In the… Hii…hiii… hiissssscccchhhoooo, hiiisssshhhhhhooooo, in the the kit.. HIssshhhhOOO, kitchen.”

“Okay and bless you.”

Connor got up in search of medicine as Nathan cleaned himself up, in the small apartment he could still hear him sniffling from the kitchenette. He found a box of ibuprofen and filled a glass with water before going back to Nathan, who was now wrapped in a blanket to combat his chills.

“This is all you’ve got but it should help.”

“Thanks.”

He took the pill with a few sips of water and went to put the glass down.

“Drink all of it, you’ll feel better,” Connor suggested.

“When did you become such a Doctor?” Nathan asked.

“I did a column about basic health tips for winter, I guess I picked up a few things.”

Nathan just nodded and coughed weakly into the back of his hand. They descended into silence again and Connor racked his brains trying to find something to say, something to help Nathan but also to get his own mind off the fact that the boy whose heart he broke was sitting inches away from him.

“When… When… I was a kid and home sick from school mum would always put on Back to the Future, or Ghostbusters, something that helped get my mind off how crappy I was feeling.”

A memory that Connor had long buried came back to the surface, of coming home and hearing the familiar sounds of Johnny B Goode playing on the tv. The sound that only meant one thing, that Nathan was feeling under the weather and needed some comfort.

“Shall I put it on?” Connor asked.

Nathan nodded and brought his knees up to his chest, his sock clad feet tangling just over the edge of the sofa. He didn’t need to tell Connor where to find the collection of dvds, he hadn’t moved them from their place under the tv. The shelves that were once organized and neatly arranged were messy, dvds piled on top of each over but it didn’t take long to spot the name he was looking for. As Connor pulled out the box he realised it was the one he’d given Nathan, he’d been so upset when his own dvd had become unplayable from over use that Connor had brought him a collector's copy, complete bonus content and a poster that had once been in their bedroom. Connor didn’t say anything as he stood up and placed it in the tv, he didn’t want to stir up old memories.

It didn’t take long for the familiar music to start playing, Connor sat back on the sofa with Nathan beside him.

“Mum was a real nerd, she’d been first in line for the latest Star Wars film and never once missed an episode of Star Trek. I remember once dad tried to take her to a romance thing, something for Valentine’s Day, I don’t think she lasted ten minutes.”

Connor wasn’t really sure what to say as Nathan rambled about his mum, his speech only interrupted by his sniffles and muffled coughs.

“She was never much of a reader, she always said she never had the time but she loved films. Every week they’d be another dvd she’d brought, probably from the local charity shop as she never could resist a good cause. We’d watch them together, curled up on the sofa with a fluffy blanket around us, getting lost in a fictional world.”

Connor remembered once visiting Mrs Fletcher in the hospital with Nathan, he’d never bring her flowers, just a dvd and together they’d watch it. Connor sat on an uncomfortable plastic chair, with Nathan on his lap with his mum’s hand held tightly in his. The film had gotten to the part where Marty meets his mum in 1955, the part where Nathan always used to laugh at Marty falling out the tree, this time he doesn’t even raise a smile. Connor noticed Nathan shivering, the ibuprofen seemingly having little effect on his fever, he didn’t want to risk making things awkward by putting his hand to Nathan’s forehead again, so instead got a blanket from the back of the sofa and placed it around the shivering man’s shoulders. Nathan mumbled a thanks and curled up even smaller, like he trying to disappear altogether.

The long day at the office had taken more of a toll than Connor thought, he didn’t remember closing his eyes but soon he was opening them again. He felt groggy and stiff having fallen asleep on the sofa, at first he thought it was the stiffness that had woken him but then there was a noise, a soft whimper. He rubbed away the grogginess from his eyes and looked around, for a moment he didn’t realise anything was amiss. He looked over and saw Nathan curled up tightly at the end of the sofa, shaking with chills so violent his teeth were chattering. There was a second were Connor forgot that time had passed and he thought he was back with Nathan, in their apartment as a couple but it didn’t last long. Nathan whimpered again and Connor was brought back to reality, the man next to him was really sick and he needed to do something.

“Nathan, Nathan wake up.”

Connor shook his shoulder but his eyes stayed closed.

“Come on, wake up, Nate please,” he begged.

As the panic rose in his voice Nathan’s eyes began to flicker until he was looking up at Connor, his usual cool blue eyes glassy and red, tears threatening to slip.

“Hey…” he managed to croak before being struck by a painful sounding coughing fit.

Connor winced at the sound as he helped Nathan sit up, rubbing his back until he was able to breathe. Connor could still hear a drag on his lungs, he was going to end up with a chest infection if he wasn’t careful. Nathan sniffed and wiped his eyes, he was still shaking and Connor had to resist putting his hand on his cheek to test his temperature.

“I’m sorry I had to wake you, I think your fevers got up. Do you have a thermometer?” Connor asked.

“In the bathroom…” Nathan replied, even his voice was shaking.

Connor nodded and got up, stretching his stiff limbs. He checked the time on his phone on his way through, it was nearly 2am. He thought about going home but a bigger part of him knew he couldn’t leave Nathan in that state, he was too ill and emotional, and there was no one else.

When he’d found the thermometer he went back to Nathan, he entered the living room to see him with his head in hands. He was shaking again but Connor doubted it was the fever, he appeared to be crying again.

“Nate?”

“Huh? Oh sorry,” he sniffed and wiped his face.

Connor didn’t ask if he was okay, the question seemed stupid and unnecessary. Even when they were together Nathan hadn’t slept well, apparently insomnia ran in his family.

“I found the thermometer, can I?...”

Nathan held up his hand but before Connor could ask what was wrong Nathan buried his face in his elbow.

“Hiissshhhhoooo, hii.iii...iisssshhhoooo, hiiissccchhhhooooo.”

“Bless you.”

Connor couldn’t ignore the feeling of sympathy in his chest, if this had happened only a few months ago then things would be different. Connor would be able to comfort him, to hold him, to make it all okay but instead he was stood on the outside at a loss. He tried to remember the reasons he broke them up, the reason he walked out but he couldn’t think with Nathan looking so miserable.

“Can I take your temperature now?”

Nathan nodded and took the device, putting it under his tongue and waiting. Connor was left with little else to do but stand and wait, trying not to stare too hard at the one he used to love. His messy brown hair, the colour of burnt caramel that always smelt of apples; blue eyes red rimmed at glassy making them look ever more like ice. He tried not to think about the curve of his lips when he smiled or dimples on his back, the birthmark the shape of magic lamp on his shoulder and the tiny scar on his hip.

“102.3,” Nathan read aloud.

Connor hadn’t even noticed the bleeping, his mind too full of images from another time.

“That’s bad… I think we should probably get you to bed.”

Nathan didn’t argue and let Connor help him up, Connor taking most of his weight on the walk to the bedroom.

“You’ll be more comfortable in clean clothes,” Connor said, opening the top drawer of Nathan’s dresser.

He didn’t even have to think where to look, he’d cleaned up after Nathan many a time and putting his clothes away had just been part of the routine. Nathan didn’t say anything as Connor left him to change, a pair of warm pyjamas on his lap. Connor returned a few minutes later with a fresh glass of water and a packet of cold and flu tablets. Nathan was curled up under his duvet, he had finally stopped shivering but looked no less pitiful.

“It’s not much but it should help, even if it’s only to knock you out,” Connor said.

“Thanks,” Nathan mumbled.

He down the pills with a few mouthfuls of water and placed the glass at his bedside with shaky hands.

“Well if you’re okay I better be…”

Connor trialed off, not sure what to say. He wanted to stay, even if it was just make sure Nathan was okay but he didn’t want to outstay his welcome. He’d gotten to the bedroom door when a quiet voice made him stop.

“Stay… Please.”

“You really want me to stay?”

Nathan nodded and coughed into his fist. Connor went over to him, sitting on the edge of their his bed.

“Come here,” Nathan croaked after he latest coughing spell had ended.

Connor shuffled onto the bed,

Nathan curled up side him, his head ending on in Connor’s lap.

“I don’t want to dream of her, not again,” Nathan said, his voice muffled as his face was pressed to Connor’s leg.

“Shh, you’re going to be okay, just close your eyes,” Connor reassured him.

Nathan was too tired to fight it and his eyelids closed within seconds.

“You’re going to be okay,” Connor continued, his fingers finding their way to Nathan’s hair.

It didn’t take long for Nathan to start drifting off again and Connor to be left alone with the war inside his mind. He shouldn’t be doing this, he knew that. This was his ex boyfriend asleep in his lap, too sick to really understand what was going on. He’d just needed comfort and Connor’s name happened to be at the top of the list, he didn’t really want him back and Connor couldn’t start believing that he did. After all he was the one who walked out, his bags packed hoping to never see Nathan again. He couldn’t fall in love with him again, he just couldn’t. His instincts told him to run, to get away as fast as he could before it happened again. It broke his heart once, he didn’t want to put it on the line for a second time, he wasn’t sure he could go through it again.

With his heart pounding in his chest Connor tried to move Nathan, carefully place him on his pillows and slip away. Maybe Nathan would wake up and think it had all been a fevered dream, he’d never have to remember and for Connor it would just become another memory he couldn’t face. He managed to get out from under Nathan’s sleeping form, laying him gently on the cool pillows, tucking the duvet around his shoulders to keep his shivers away. Tears were building up as he leant down and pressed a small kiss to Nathan’s temple.

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered.

It wasn’t that he wanted to leave, he could have happily stayed by Nathan’s side forever but it hadn’t worked before, so why should it work now? He was barely together as it was. Connor went out to the living room, picking up his things and trying to make it look like he’d never been there at all. He even went as far to wipe the texts from both their phones, luckily Nathan had never changed his passcode, his mum’s birthday. When he was done he stood in the doorway, the door half open looking back toward the hallway down which Nathan was sleeping. How he wished he could stay, climb beneath the sheets and close his eyes, he was so tired. He turned away, one hand still on the door, it wasn’t like the last time he’d left when Nathan had been stood there, watching him leave. No, this was easier, to just slip into the night. He was so nearly out the door.

“You’re leaving again.”

Connor sighed and turned back to face Nathan, he was stood at the edge of the room, blanket around his shoulders and looking more pathetic than ever.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry, I thought this would be better.”

“You always do,” Nathan huffed, running a hand under his nose.

“I am sorry, I am.”

“How can I believe that? You keep saying you’re sorry and I….”

Nathan doesn’t finish as he dissolves into a fit of coughs and Connor is reminded how very sick he is.

“Sit down before you pass out.”

Connor took Nathan by the shoulders, walking him over to the sofa and gently pushing him down. It took a few scary moments but he finally stopped coughing, Connor had started thinking about calling 999 before he was able to breathe again.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Connor asked.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled.

“Yeah and I’m Prince Harry,” Connor replied.

Nathan just sighed and rubbed his eyes, Connor wondered if the tears were from coughing or something else…

“I’m….”

“If you say sorry I swear to God I’m going to cough on you,” Nathan said, any bite to his words were lost to his sore throat.

“Then what do you want from me? I can only say it so many times.”

He was quiet for awhile, the only sound coming from the wheeze of his breathing and sniffling.

“I want to know why… Why you left.”

His words were so quiet that Connor had to strain his ears to hear.

“Is that why you called me in the first place? That’s all you wanted?” Connor demanded, he couldn’t help the anger that escaped. Five months it had been since they’d broken up, he was trying to move on all Nathan has to do is pick up the phone and he comes running back.

“No!” Nathan tried to yell but it made him cough. “No, I asked you because I didn’t have anyone else. You’re one of the few people mum knew near the end and I know how much she liked you, I did it for her and yeah maybe I broke, maybe I thought I needed you but you obviously never needed me…”

Nathan’s voice cracked, tears on his pale cheeks and snot above his lip.

“That’s not true, of course I needed you. I don’t know how I’ve got out of the bed these past few months without you.”

“Then why did you leave?”

Nathan’s voice was so small, he was like a small child asking for his mum.

“Because I didn’t think you loved me anymore, I wanted to leave before I had to hear you say those words.”

As Connor spoke he realised how wrong those words were, if Nathan really had stopped loving him he wouldn’t be there now. This was not the reaction of someone who’d broken up with a bad boyfriend, no it was of one who’d lost a loved one, maybe more than one. Connor felt his heart break, the one he’d been trying so hard to keep together.

“No, no, no, I never ever… How could you think that?”

Nathan’s voice was still tiny, just a whisper. Connor could barely look at him, all big eyes and messy hair.

“Because you withdrew from me, I could barely get a word out of you, you didn’t want to be around me, like every time I’d enter a room you’d leave. I tried to be better, I tried to talk to you but you just shut me out. I didn’t know what else to think.”

Nathan looked away, wiping his eyes with his too long sleeves. He shivered under his blanket and Connor wished they could have saved this for a day he wasn’t so unwell, a broken heart was bad enough without the fever.

“It was around the time mum got her final diagnosis, she’d had various health problems for years when her behaviour started to change it was when we knew something more serious was going on. They tested and they tested, and they found out she had Huntington’s disease, which is genetic.”

Connor felt his heart hit his stomach and acid in the back on his throat, no not his Nathan, no.

“Nate…”

“So they had to test me… I was terrified of what they’d find but I was more terrified of telling you, what if I had it too? I didn’t want you to live through what I had with mum but I didn’t want you to go, I couldn’t have gone through it all alone. That’s why I couldn’t be near you, I was scared I’d say something and you’d leave but you did anyway.”

There were tears on Connor’s face and his hands were shaking, he finally realised what he’d done. He’d tried so hard to protect himself, to stop himself from getting his heart broken that instead he’d broken the person he loved the most.

“Nate I… I’m… I… I’m so sorry…I…”

“Stop apologizing and come here,” Nathan said, holding out his arms.

Connor stepped closer to him, ready to wrap his arms around his lost love when Nathan pushed him away.

“Hasshhhhoooo, haaccchhhhoooo, hiisscccchooo, haacccchhhooooo, urgh.”

“Bless you, just to be clear you’re not dying are you?” Connor asked, trying to keep his voice light and not to give away the panic within.

“No, not unless you count the plague,” Nathan said, with the smallest hint of a smile.

Connor returned the gesture, relief spreading through him as he sank down next to Nathan, wrapping the sick boy tightly in his arms.

“You deserve so much better, better than me at the very least,” Connor said.

“That’s my choice and I choose you, always have, always will.”

Connor knew that Nathan could forgive too easily, it always been one of his faults but Connor himself knew he was too rash and didn’t think things through as much as he should. They weren’t perfect and neither was their relationship but it hadn’t mattered because they’d loved each other and it made it all okay. It would never be easy but nothing worth having ever is.

#sickfic #cough #sneezing #fever #illness #sneezefic #n&c

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