#the others were more halloweeny and valentine's day

[bookgeekgrrl]

Sunday reading recap (23-Dec-2018)

ugh i sort of resent how perfect this time off has been because now i gotta go back to the real world and that sucks.

(my mood)

Sealed With A Kiss (follow_the_sun, littleblackfox) - Stucky, 64K, selkie!Bucky, accidental fae marriage. Absolutely loved how the authors wove in various fae elements like the Wild Hunt and of course Shuri & T'Challa would be Cait Sidhe

Tutus and Tinsel (Half Moon Bay #2.5, Rhys Ford) - holiday novella from my fav Rhys Ford series

A Gentleman Never Keeps Score (Seducing the Sedgwicks #2, Cat Sebastian, 235 pgs) - love this series, love this author. I’m just gonna quote this review because it’s fucking perfect:”Gave me heart feelings AND included a historically appropriate glass dildo! Five stars”

A Spell for Luck (Daria Defore, 47 pgs) - look "Some A+ monsterfucking" and "This one's for my monsterfuckers, you know who you are" are all I needed to read to know this was my sorta story. It's more Halloweeny than winter holiday but I also read a Practical Magic Stucky AU on Monday so I'm all about mixing up the holidays. Also the author's note made me laugh: they detailed where and when they thought of the idea because "I also want to locate the genesis of this story in a time and a place because dammit, Venom (2018) starring Tom Hardy, you're really blowing up my spot."

Once a Brat (Kinky Cupid #1, Kim Dare, 97 pgs) - short D/s Valentine’s Day story

Base Over Apex (Kinky Cupid #2, Kim Dare, 66 pgs) - different couple, same BDSM club, another Valentine’s Day

What About Now (Grace R. Duncan, 284 pgs) - 2nd chance romance with some D/s dynamics. Communication is key.

These Streets 'verse (alby_mangroves, Nejinee) - Stucky, 92K - "The life and times of Police Officer Steve Rogers and his dealings with the not so classy residents of his local precinct, including Bucky Barnes, the rough muscle with the dreamy blue eyes." The kids are great. Thor's a firefighter.

Lessons Are So Cold (herecomesbucktofuckshitup) - 57K, Stucky. Skinny!steve's a cop undercover at PS 941 and oops, he had an amazing night with what turns out to be the World Lit teacher

so much shorter fanfic. like, at least 3 full days of stuff that was under 50K. and given how fast i can read that’s a LOT of fic.

[hello-im-not-a-possum]

ATDT!AU Post-Escape Halloween thing 2-5 (or more)

Halloween was one of Toriel’s favorite holidays. Partly because it didn’t have the same bittersweet history for her that valentines day and Christmas had, but mostly because of well, everything Halloween was.

She had loved the holiday as long as she could remember, but loved it even more in the modern era. The humans had replaced their creepy carved turnips with pumpkins, mankind was less afraid of monsters than they were in the past (save for some who’s fears were built on their ancestor’s legacies), and the biggest change of all: Halloween was now adorable.

The teacher adored decorating her front yard up with punny fake tombstones and her classroom up with laminated vampire bats that told each other halloweeny jokes. She smiled every time she saw the cheerful children in their colorful and “creepy” costumes excitedly running from door to door to collect as much candy as they could. And it warmed her heart every time they knocked on her door and she saw their eyes sparkle with glee when she handed them the full-size laffy taffy bars (Chocolate never lasted long in her house and she liked reading the jokes on the wrappers).

Best of all, she loved seeing what her own children do on the holiday. They had always come up with such creative group costumes and this year they told her that they were going to do something special.

Toriel knew that it was a surprise, but she couldn’t help herself from sneaking quick peeks at what their plans were when she knew for a fact nobody was looking: Kris’s costume involved a fancy suit and a disgruntled looking toy sailor and an adorable toy spider, both with pie-cut eyes, Asriel’s costume had a black dress and a halo, and Frisk’s costume had a dog-like mask and a pair of overalls.

She had unfortunately spoiled the surprise for herself with these sneak peeks; the three of them were going as characters from the old Bendy cartoons. And while she couldn’t wait to see what the final project looked like (Especially after she eavesdropped overheard that Kris’s friends from school were also joining in on the group costume), she couldn’t help but wonder: Who was going to be the little darling devil himself?

It wasn’t her three, they were going as Charley (and the rest of the butcher gang), Boris, and Alice. But it also wasn’t Noelle as she was going as Miss Twisted, Susie was instead going as The Brute, and Berdly was going as Cameraman. The suspense was eating up at her to the point where she almost wanted to confess her sneaking peeks just to ask one of them who Bendy was going to be, but she held her tongue and just waited for Halloween itself.

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“My children, are you ready to go to the party?”

“Almost!” they all chimed out in an unorganized pattern.

“Well you better hurry then, we still need to pick up your friends and we don’t want to be late!”

“Alright, we’re ready!” Asriel proudly proclaimed before herding the rest of his siblings out.

She grabbed the camera, making sure it was properly charged and ready to take pictures. As expected, the group costumes were amazing. Asriel looked amazing in his costume (and Toriel joked about him always being her little angel, which he playfully laughed off.), Frisk looked just like a cute little puppy in their Boris costume, and Kris really pulled out all the stops on their Charley costume, even going as far as to keep their hair out of their face with a fitting bald cap.

Noelle was the first to be picked up, followed by Berdly. But when they were about to pick up Susie, before she actually got into the car, she first made a big verbal show about how she was about to get into the car to leave to go to the party. When these yielded no response, she re-opened the front door and called inside.

“If a certain someone wants to stay home and let me and Kris to eat all the chocolate bars the party, we can and we will.”

“Wait! Just a minute!”

A child’s voice proclaimed. Toriel let out a small gasp as she heard it, it was impossible, even a human as determined as them couldn’t cheat death itself... but at the same time, Asriel had managed to do it.

Then, a small cartoon imp scurried outside Susie’s house, almost in a way as if “Who framed Roger Rabbit” was a documentary instead of a work of fiction. She knew at the first glance that the little creature was one of the ink creatures that had started living inside the underground after it had gone empty. This one looked exactly like the demon that was shown on the silver screens, save for two details: A pointed tail and a pair of familiar rosy cheeks. And when they spoke, their voice was exactly like-

“Cut me some slack, Susie! Model sheet switching isn’t as easy as Sammy makes it look!”

“C-Chara..?” Toriel teared up with happiness. “Is that really you?”

“(Oh &@^!-)” The imp’s pie cut eyes went wide with fear before they donned on a sheepish smile and started twiddling their thumbs. “Um... Mom, I can Explain...”

They could, but they didn’t need to. The important thing was that Chara was back and alive (Albeit clearly not human anymore). Toriel just scooped them up in a big hug and cried while they hugged her back.

[ozma914]

Halloween Was More Fun In The Dangerous Days

 Unless you’re one of those people of questionable sanity who likes cold weather, October has little to offer Hoosiers except autumn colors and Halloween. By the end of the month the leaves have started to fall and the days are criminally short. This gives me a feeling of bleakness and dread that …

Come to think of it, bleakness and dread are very Halloweenie. But no matter how you feel about the weather (it stinks), Halloween is the beginning of snack season. Through Thanksgiving and Christmas and on to Valentine’s Day, we get to pack on a nice layer of fat against the cold. It doesn’t really help. But what the heck, any excuse for chocolate.

These days I’m expected to turn on my porch light and give candy to other people, but I’d rather hide in the dark and let the dog scare off anyone who approaches. There’s a cocoa shortage, people—chocolate charity begins at home. But when I was younger, Halloween was one of the highlights of the year. In elementary school we’d spend October making decorations of ghosts, witches, and of course pumpkins with scary faces. I wonder if that’s allowed, these days? They’ve probably banned that kind of stuff from public schools, along with cardboard pilgrims and anything Christmas. I liked the pilgrims, although even then I knew they’d be toast without Squanto and his corn crop. Not that they had any toast.

I'm not saying Emily and I haven't occasionally had fun with Halloween. Or was this taken at the end of our last camping trip?

Where was I? Oh yeah—candy. My family didn’t exactly hand out candy like candy. Back then treats were, well, a treat. But on one glorious night we could collect enough to keep us going until Thanksgiving. It wasn’t seen as a dangerous holiday, at the time. (This would be in the 70s. No, wait. Let’s change that to the 80s. Yeah, the 80s.) On the contrary, this was the night when it was quite literally okay to take candy from strangers. Our dad would load us into the back of his El Camino for a trip to the store, where we would find highly flammable costumes and masks that rendered us mostly blind, then— Oh, the El Camino? Well, it’s kind of a half car, half pickup truck. We didn’t worry about belting into the too-small front, because there were no seat belts.

Anyway, we waited until it got pitch dark and then hit the streets, methodically knocking on every door. Sometimes we’d get apples, which was not exactly a jump for joy moment. Packaged candy was okay, but the really nice people would make things from scratch, like those wonderful popcorn balls or caramel apples—which beat plain apples hands down. The only glitch I remember is when we reached the home of a deaf old fellow who had no idea it was Halloween. He was probably the guy who later invented the idea of only trick or treating at homes with porch lights on. Or, maybe he was hoarding his chocolate.

Wait ... I'm now the old guy.

Just as our parents passed out the last of their candy, we got home with more candy. It was important to eat the homemade stuff, like caramel apples and popcorn balls, first. If you weren’t too much of a glutton, you could string the rest along for weeks. The times were so much less dangerous.

Some of you might be horrified by this. Some might smile at the exaggeration, then be horrified to discover it wasn’t an exaggeration: That’s the way it happened for some of us in the small towns of the mid-70s—I mean, 80s. This was a time when, if we did something stupid like walk in the middle of the street, our parents would get three phone calls and be standing at the front door by the time we made it home. When everyone knows everyone else, it’s not as dangerous as it sounds on paper. We did know about the dangers, as shown in the very first short story I ever had published, in the late … 80s. It was about a hungry vampire who drinks his own blood after biting down on a razor blade inside a Halloween apple. If anyone still has that old copy of the Central Noble High School Cat Tracks, you’ll find the story to be very, very bad. Just the same, the worst thing we ever experienced was a tummy ache.

Remember: Every time you buy a book, a ghost gets his wings rest.

http://markrhunter.com/ https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

[barinacraft]

100+ Halloween Jokes, Puns, Riddles & One Liners

Hysterical Halloween Humor & Hilarious Haunted Holiday Humdingers

There's over one hundred All Hallows' Eve jokes on this page ranging from whimsical word plays to scary squibs, clever clowning around to frightening farces, and everything eerie about Halloween in between. You might want to settle in with a spooky sip because this could take awhile.

If you're still begging for laughs after this large list of larks, links to even more holiday hijinks are provided at the bottom of this buffoonery. Buckle up and chuckle.

Bat Banter

Q: What is Dracula's favorite cocktail to drink at a baseball game? A: Bat Bite.

Q: What is Dracula’s favorite position in baseball? A: Bat boy!

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash? A: Because they have bat breath.

Black Cat Comedy

Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A: A sourpuss.

Devil Droll

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

Q: What happens when Ambrose Bierce drinks the Devil's blood? A: He gives new meaning to Mephistopheles' mustache.*

Dracula Jokes

Dracula is the most famous of all the Vampires. Those mythical nocturnal beings that feed on blood, get burned by sunlight and usually must be killed by stabbing them with a stake to the heart. There's something funny going on there.

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula water skiing on Halloween night? A: A blood vessel.

Q: What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog? A: A blood hound.

Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania? A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A: At the casketeria.

Q: What drink does Dracula order when vacationing at the beach? A: A Blood and Sand cocktail.

Q: What does Dracula like to drink when he brandies about the ship? A: Nelson's Blood.

Ghost And Goblin Gaiety

A Halloween ghost walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What'll you have?" Ghost says, "I'm here for the BOOs. A disembodied spirit if you please."

Q: Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain? A: Because it dampens their spirits.

Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A: It raises their spirits.

Q: Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? A: Any old friend he could dig up!

Q: What kind of shoes do baby ghosts wear? A: Boo-ties!

Q: What do goblins drink when they’re hot and thirsty? A: Ice cold Ghoul-aid!

Q: Where do hard working ghosts go on vacation? A: The Eerie canal!

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to her baby ghost? A: "Don't spook until you're spooken to."

Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert? A: I SCREAM!

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A: A hoblin goblin.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo.

Q: What games do ghosts like to play? A: Peek-a-Boo and Hide & Shriek.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A: He is mist.

Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? A: The actors get stage fright.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal? A: SCREAM of Wheat.

Q: What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee? A: A boo boo.

Q: What do ghouls eat for breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with evaporated milk.

Q: Where do ghosts go swimming? A: The dead sea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl? A: Something that doesn't give a hoot if they scare somebody.

Horror Humor [sic]

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed, again!

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? A: He was buttering up his teacher.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A: He's all right now.

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A: A celebrity roast.

Q: What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? A: Decomposing.

Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A: A cereal killer.

Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?

Jack-o'-lantern Laughs

Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? A: With an orange pumpkin patch.

Q: What’s the true ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi!

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Lots of squash seeds to sear.

Q: What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern? A: A plumpkin.

Monster Quips

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

Q: Have you seen Quasimodo? A: I have a hunch he'll be back!

Q: What do you do with a green monster? A: Wait until it ripens.

Q: Why wasn't there any lettuce left after the monster party? A: Because everyone was a green goblin!

Q: What's a haunted chicken? A: A poultry-geist.

Q: How do monsters tell their future? A: They read their horrorscope.

Q: Why did the Cyclops have to close his school? A: He only had one pupil.

Q: What does a monsters' child call his parents? A: Mummy and Deady.

Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster.

Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? A: Fish and ships.

Mummy Gags

Q: Why can’t mummies go on vacation? A: Because they’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!

Q: What do you call a little monster's parents? A: Mummy and deady.

Q: What did the mummy say to the detective? A: Let's wrap this case up.

Scarecrow Caws

Q: Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? A: He was outstanding in his field!

Skeleton Shenanigans

Q: Why aren’t there more famous skeletons? A: They’re a bunch of no bodies!

Q: When does a spooky skeleton laugh? A: When something tickles his funny bone!

Q: What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie? A: You can’t fool me, I can see right through you!

Q: What do skeletons say before eating? A: Bone Appetit!

Q: What type of art do skeletons like? A: Skullptures!

Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his motorcycle? A: I’m bone to be wild!

Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender? A: I'd like a beer and a mop!

Q: What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? A: Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs.

Q: What instrument do skeletons play? A: Trom-BONE.

Q: What kind of key opens a casket? A: A skeleton key.

Q: Why don't skeletons like parties? A: Because they have no body to dance with.

Spider Antics

Q: What do you call two spiders that just got married? A: Newlywebbed.

Trick Or Treat Tomfoolery

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night? A: Tweets.  [ Tweet this Joke! ]

Q: How did the priest make holy water? A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.

Vampire Riddles

Three vampires walk into a creepy bar. Bartender asks, "What's your poison?" The first vampire says, "A mug of blood." The second vampire says, "I'll have what he's having." The third vampire says, "No, not me. I'll have a glass of plasma." Bartender says, "OK, two bloods and a blood lite."

Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch? A: Do you want to go for a bite?

Q: Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job!

Q: How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? A: By his loud coffin from deep down in his chest.

Q: What kind of fruits do vampires like? A: Adam's apples and juicy neckterines.

Q: What did one thirst vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue? A: Let’s stop in for a cool one!

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday? A: Fangsgiving.

Q: Why did vampires toast the Democrat in 2000? A: They wanted to Gore.

Q: How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? A: He turns into a bat every night.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt? A: She bats her eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A: A stake sandwich.

Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay.

Q: Who do vampires buy their cookies from? A: Ghoul Scouts.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite sport? A: Casketball.

Q: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal? A: He heard they had great circulation.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor? A: Veinilla.

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cough and a cold? A: Coffin drops.

Witch Wit

Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with a clown? A: A brew ha-ha.

Q: Why do witches need to wear name tags? A: So, they would know which witch is which!

Q: What did one old witch say to other when she asked for a ride? A: There’s always broom for one more!

Q: What did the scary witch do when her broomstick broke? A: She had to witch-hike!

Q: When do witches like to cook their victims? A: On Fry-Day!

Q: What do you call two witches living together? A: Broom-mates!

Q: What do you call a witch who lives in the desert? A: A sand witch.

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school? A: Spelling class.

Q: How do you make a witch scratch? A: Just take away the 'W.'

Zombie One Liners

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? A: A: Hope it's Halloween.

Q: What do you call dead cows that come back to life? A: Zombeef.

Q: What do zombies like to eat at cook outs? A: Halloweenies.

More Halloween Jokes

What A Great Costume

How Much Are We Taking Off?

References

* - Ambrose Bierce authored The Cynic's Word Book in 1906 which was retitled The Devil's Dictionary in 1911.