#the other two versions of the 'night before battle' scene were not gelling at all and weren't really that different from each other

[starcunning]

Notes to Selves

... and sometimes, after you pull teeth for a week, you get something, anyway.

Shasi has never spent the night before a battle with someone she loved. Until now.

This story contains MSQ spoilers for FFXIV Patch 4.4, “Prelude in Violet,” and 4.5, “Requiem for Heroes.”

12th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Windsday.

You will not write anything today because you would rather forget all that has transpired. You want to forget the sight of him crumpling to the floor, a greater agony than that which passed before. Committing it to paper would make it real, and you cannot allow that now.

I am here, real as everything you reject. I will remember for you, to spare you the pain of forgetting later. —F

14th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Lightningday.

You never got out of bed yesterday. Today you roused yourself only to meet with the Seedseer. She cannot feel his soul. I write this for you not because I think you will forget, but because you cannot bear to write it for yourself.

We were doing so well. —F

15th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Lightsday.

En route to Revenant’s Toll to seek Augurelt’s counsel. A reliable source before; occasionally a comfort. Questions to consider:

- What news of the First?

- Thancred’s previous exposure to Ascian influence a factor?

- Why not Lyse?

Slender hope of answers. World ever turns on such slender hopes.

17th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Darksday. Full moon.

Arrived at Rising Stones late yesterday. Early start to the morning in hopes situation would be swiftly resolved. Augurelt joined us just before noon. Another vision; situation compounded. Rhul and Augurelt now added to the list of incapacitated. Thancred to be transferred from Ala Mhigo to Mor Dhona.

18th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Firesday.

May as well keep them all in one place.

Shpoki left the Rising Stones yesterday, and you let her. We know that move, don’t we? Break and run before anyone sees we’re upset? Today we wrote a letter to Matoya. We wrote three letters. You didn’t like any of them enough to send. We’ll try again tomorrow. —F

22nd Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Lightningday.

Sent letters to Master Matoya; Y’mhitra Rhul; the Forum of Sharlayan. No kin to contact for Augurelt or Waters. Overtures are being made to the Alchemists’ Guild and Prioress Dewla. Heard an interesting rumor about the fate of Heartstrike recently. Considering purchasing information from the Dutiful Sisters. Scions’ coffers empty. Personal funds in good shape.

24th Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Darksday.

Arya is talking about going looking for X’rhun. You think she hopes this is something he can solve, like the problem of the Nightkin. You hadn’t considered that, but thinking about it made you recall your dealings with Ishgardian orthodoxy in that pursuit.

Haldrath never decayed either, did he? —F

31st Sun of Nophica’s Moon

Darksday.

You took your bracelet off for a week, locked the stone it held in a drawer, tried not to think of me. You are telling yourself it is about the journals. It isn’t, is it? You are angry I have no answers for you. I wish I did.

You thought of me in my exile, and wondered if you had killed me. That isn’t how it works, is it? I cannot live without you, but my death is temporary. And some shade of me lingers with you still. You can still hear me scream inside your skull even when you cast me into the dark and curse my name for not doing enough.

Nobody hears you screaming. —F

1st Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Firesday. New Moon.

Arya departed yesterday. Alisaie thusly deprived of closest companionship. Fond of her as I am, our closeness is not without difficulty in these circumstances.

2nd Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Earthsday.

Which is worse: not to know what has become of someone you love, or to be certain of their ill fate?

5th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Iceday.

Traveled to Ul’dah to meet with Prioress Dewla. Nothing. Returned home to the Goblet. Should be in Mor Dhona. Letter awaited me at the house from the Sisters, who have heard of no artifact with such effects as was described.

6th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Lightningday.

When you wake screaming in the night, it is only us you awaken. You tell yourself this is preferable.

Alisaie reminds me of Rielle. —F

7th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Lightsday.

Meeting today with Captain Firebird. She is already apprised of the news. Thancred counted her a personal friend. I do not know what aid she can offer, but determined to explore all avenues.

10th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Earthsday.

Departed Ul’dah for Ala Mhigo. While in Ul’dah was elevated to Flame Captain. Poor consolation prize. Firebird is alright; sympathetic ear. Am come to collect the research notes of Aulus mal Asina.

12th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Windsday.

Yesterday you sat in Thancred’s apartment trying to make sense of the Medicus’s notes. At sunset you went into the city, and stood there in the place where he ripped your soul from your body, and tried to recall how it was you put yourself back together.

It didn’t hurt half so much when he did it. You walked from his laboratory to the room where the Alliance all met, and you thought about being torn apart, self from self. You thought about the voice and the words and the fear and the pain.

The fear and the pain that were Thancred’s last moments in this world before he was severed from himself. You would have given anything to spare him that. Would that I could have told you how. Would that I could tell you anything now.

You would trade your place with any of them. That is your nature. The thing you are afraid to admit to yourself is that you would trade me for them, too. You are angry with me. You are right to be angry. I am here. —F

13th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Iceday.

You went to the Menagerie today. Why did you go there? This is a rhetorical question. It hurt you to stand there, in the wan winter sun, and listen to the wind blow through bare trees. Every step you took on cobbles you once stained with blood drove knives into your heart. You are suffering, so you sought out suffering.

You stood in the dry grass, and reached for your linkpearl, thinking: if you call Urianger, he’ll help you figure this out. Urianger has always helped you figure it out.

Thancred’s loss you never forget. It is a black moon that eclipses the terrible light of the others’ stillness and silence. You hated yourself then for forgetting. It was a moment’s lapse, and you will bear the guilt for a long, long time.

Instants become eons. —F

14th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Lightningday.

The others are come to Ala Mhigo, though they have little to report. Shpoki tells me Y’mhitra has arrived; has enlisted the aid of the Sons of Saint Coinach to research her sister’s condition and that of the others. Sophronia mentioned that she and Alisaie get along; there is a small relief in that. One worries.

Spent the early evening in a game of Sink—one of Shpoki’s devising, last played on the banks of the Thaliak. Alone then too, or at least without him. Sank any number of things, though not my troubles. Figure emerged from the Lochs thereafter; four of us were sufficient to subdue it. Proof remitted to Clan Centurio.

Depart Ala Mhigo tomorrow in the company of Lensha Hathaar, who has been aiding Garlond Ironworks in some project.

19th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Watersday.

Ironworks has experienced a similar thinning of ranks; tol Scaeva incapacitated in the course of this project, along with engineers Biggs and Wedge. Conscious, however; unlikely to have succumbed to the same pernicious influence as felled the Scions.

Garlond thinks of Bojza often. Reviews the data in anticipation of some new project. Scaeva takes ill to bed-rest. Keeps offering to replace my sword with one more befitting “an adventurer of my caliber.”

Not sure whether he intends to replace Fray’s blade or Zenos’s. In either case, uninterested.

25th Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Firesday.

Who is Lensha Hathaar? Claims to have been a longtime member of the Scions; Shpoki claims to have found her at her apartment. Assuming she means the one abutting the Hanging Cat. Skeptical of any recruit we find in a bar; nevertheless shows promise.

Starlight Celebration ongoing. Some mail finds me in Gyr Abania—cards; wellwishes; etc. Wish it did not.

31st Sun of Althyk’s Moon

Lightsday.

Last day of Starlight. Glad when it’s over.

I didn’t get you anything.

1st Sun of Halone’s Moon

Firesday. New moon.

I didn’t get you anything either. —F

6th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Lightningday.

Brief recess from duties with Hathaar in Gyr Abania. Returned to Ul’dah to fulfill charitable obligation. Raising funds for the arts in Ul’dah. Bought a foolish number of candles. Sophronia materialized halfway through the evening; followed me home.

Seems to think all this pain is worthwhile for having gotten to learn the taste of chocolate. I do not think he understands.

7th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Lightsday.

How can he? He has lived this life for a handful of months at most. You have carried this for six years. You are certain there is no one yet he loves, but how can you be sure? He is fond of you, or are you pretending to ignore that? —F

12th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Windsday.

It does not matter who is fond of me. To seek comfort without Thancred’s knowledge is betrayal unforgivable, and unworthy of us both.

Returned to Gyr Abania. Midgardsormr seemed familiar with Hathaar. No answers to be found, for the elder dragon now slumbers. Not the same sickness as plagued the Scions. Nevertheless, our allies fall away, one by one.

14th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Lightningday.

But our obligations persist. Received call from Tataru that I am needed at Reisen Temple. The Firebird elected to accompany me. Her interest in Suzaku is personal, given the imagery of her epithet. As she is afflicted with the same blessings as I, this shall be allowed.

It is the smallest repayment of her kindness to me as host whilst in Ul’dah.

16th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Darksday.

You and the Firebird went to the temple yesterday to quell the Aramitama of the auspice Suzaku. A fair number of words new to my travels with you there. Nevertheless, the concepts are familiar: a Darkside untempered ever threatens to destroy.

Hers was not the rage of Byakko but an untempered grief. One thinks of these things as a dark ocean, a vast plain of ink, but a single drop breaks the surface and bestirs a tempest. So too with the firebird—your presence was a potent reminder of all she had lost.

As hers was to you.

Her lover perished in the fires of self-sacrifice. It is an end I can see for you all too easily. You would mourn your dead for centuries, I think, were you allowed the opportunity. For all that I have come to carry your burdens, you have not put aside the pain of loss wholly.

Not that I think you ever will. Or should, for that matter. It was no exaggeration when I told you that there was never another like you, nor shall there be. Part of that is your reserve of aether—what another might call determination, or force of soul. Part of that is the scope of your suffering.

It is a hard thing to celebrate, so I will not ask you to. —F

18th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Earthsday.

Dinner last night with van Hydrus’s widow. Did not expect Garlemald to have any knowledge of like situations, and indeed they did not. Hope her discretion is trustworthy, else fear the consequences of letting an Imperial citizen know of the Scions’ compromised strength.

19th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Watersday

Krile is returned to Kugane from the expedition; seems of hearty disposition. She has not heard the voice nor felt the call—curious oversight. Wondering about Alphinaud. No word from him since investigating the Burn several months ago.

21st Sun of Halone’s Moon

Iceheart. Returned with Krile to Mor Dhona. Firebird is resuming her regular duties. Alisaie and Krile agreed it past time we called upon Master Matoya. Rising early tomorrow to depart.

22nd Sun of Halone’s Moon

Lightningday.

All lives severed. No trail to follow. Felt the call again; Krile too. Word comes from Ala Mhigo that Populares defectors have arrived there.

23rd Sun of Halone’s Moon

Lightsday.

The palace, again; the same room. Maxima quo Priscus waiting. Took his leave of Alphinaud months ago, brought defectors and news. Imperials using Black Rose again. Thought that weapon lost.

No weapon against us is ever lost.

24th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Darksday. Back to Doma and Lord Hien, bringing word of Imperial invasion. Problem of Doman security remains. Ironworks offers a solution in the form of energy barrier like unto that which secluded Azys Lla.

One thinks of Ysayle’s sacrifice, and of the late van Hydrus. One thinks of Bojza and the barrier Garlond birthed from his father’s data.

When all is in readiness we go to the Burn.

28th Sun of Halone’s Moon

Windsday.

Gaius van Baelsar lives. Alphinaud sleeps.

4th Sun of Menphina’s Moon

Watersday.

Arya called you when you returned from the poor aether of the Burn, and you spoke to X’rhun. You told him to come to Ala Mhigo if he meant to fight for it, for this may be his last opportunity. You have thought much and not at all of what Gaius Baelsar told you upon those white sands.

He claims to have destroyed the stores and the production facilities for Black Rose, and told you it was Zenos yae Galvus who signed the order for its making. We know the truth, don’t we? Your enemy wears your lover’s face. Again.

Your pain is so close to the surface. You think they can look at you and see me behind your eyes. What would they see if I were not here to be you when you cannot?

Something’s up with Hathaar and Baelsar, by the way. —F

6th Sun of Menphina’s Moon

Lightningsday.

Porta Praetoria. We march northeast with Lord Hien and what few Domans could make the aetherial journey. There is a warcamp. We are outmatched. The plan is this: parley and stall for time and reinforcements.

8th Sun of Menphina’s Moon

Darksday.

“Sun” bears no meaning here, as no light reaches this place. You have felt the thinness of aether in the world everywhere you have walked. It reminds you of Carteneau. Everything about this reminds you of Carteneau: the massing Imperials, the oppressive weight of the sky overhead.

You think of your mother and how she died on that plain. How your whole world was destroyed not just in the Calamity, but in its legacy.

The others are arriving at camp, slowly. Sophronia came with Lyse Hext; Shpoki and Hathaar have been with you all along. The Tumet lad came, too. Such a bright face in this terrible darkness; you think you will not forgive yourself for bringing him here.

Alisaie is glad to be reunited with Arya and X’rhun. You feel a pang of envy at that, don’t you? You refuse to put a name to it—you whose mother is dead and whose father is not your father.

You’ll figure it out sooner or later.

Speaking of fathers, it’s Zenos’s who will sit across the table from you. Your request for parley has been granted, two days hence. Tomorrow you and Shpoki will go and prepare the site.

10th Sun of Menphina’s Moon

Earthsday.

Surprises at the table.

Not how poorly it went—you were ready for that, eager for that, even if you left your sword behind so you could pretend you weren’t. You brought an Imperial defector into that room with you—and Sophronia’s not the only one of your companions with a grudge.

Nor were you surprised by all his arguments. You’d had them with Zenos before, after all. And some of them with van Hydrus, and with his wife. Baelsar might have told you a few more useful things before you had to hear them from His Radiance’s smirking lips, but so it goes.

They should have known better than to bring a Weapon of Light to a peace summit. How else could it end but with the opening of old wounds?

(Well—in lungfuls of seawater, or crystals detonating in a burst of unstable aether, or a simple punch or two.)

All of these sufficed to see you held at gunpoint—you and Hathaar both with barrels against your chin. But. “Don’t waste the ammunition.” That was the Imperial decree, was it not? You think he wants you dead. If he wanted you dead, wouldn’t he have killed you in the tent? Why didn’t you die there?

What a curious question. Still, you do not think your reprieve will last long. And yet it will last longer than you think.

It would last longer still if you’d take my offer. It’s not too late to go, to find a place that does not know X’shasi Kilntreader and wants nothing from her. That does not demand she rise in the morning and join the front lines against an army greater and more powerful than the one that marches behind her.

We’re so alike, Shasi Souleater, in ways you haven’t allowed yourself to see just yet. But you won’t run. I know you.

And when His Radiance offered you a place—at his side; under his heel—you said no.

The world turns on that slender hope. —F