#the only limitation i really have is who esme would accept (and keep) on her crew in a hypothetical verse like this

[emcads]

small author's note regarding gender in the girl gang: while it's aimed at girls (the original idea was to foster more interaction between female muses who get less attention), the ship is not one that operates under or enforces a strict binary. if your muse feels wronged by patriarchy / heteronormativity / primogeniture / etc, wants to support women kicking ass and taking names, or simply feels that a "girl gang" is a place where they belong, they (and you) are welcome. the last thing i want is to create an exclusionary space: if you want to play, but don't feel that your muse belongs, hit me up and we'll find a role that fits.

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[queenshelby]

Foreigner – Peaky Blinder Fanfic

PART ONE – WAY BACK HOME

Featuring: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warning: Angst (don’t worry, Smut is coming in the next part for you dirty minded people)

Words: 3462

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Your Story

It has been 8 years since you left Birmingham and embarked on a journey to the US with your parents. Your brother was killed by Arthur Shelby, after having stolen from the Lee Family and getting involved in your father’s business.

It wasn’t your brother’s fault that he resorted to stealing. In fact, it was all he had ever known since he has been a young boy. He was stealing to feed you and your mother while your father was preoccupied interfering with Thomas Shelby’s gambling business.

Over 8 years ago, your father was employed by the Shelby Family to fix races but, at the same time, he was trying to skim money from their forged winnings and it wasn’t long after your brother’s and father’s actions had come to the attention of Thomas Shelby that a war emerged between your family and the Shelby gang.

The war was bitter and a threat made by Thomas Shelby against your father’s life caused your family to flee to a safe haven offered by your aunt Esme Bortelli in Atlanta.  Just like you and your parents, your aunt was gypsy. But, she made a deal with the devil after her first husband had passed away from Spanish flu.

Her second husband was no other than Luigi Bortelli. Luigi had a direct affiliation with the North Italian Mafia in Atlanta. He enjoyed the dangers in life. Handling and dealing with cocaine, heroin and alcohol, which, at the time, was prohibited in the US.

Luigi was shot a few years ago by police along with his brother Pepe while collecting a shipment of cocaine from the port of Atlanta. Following Luigi’s death, your aunt Esme took over the family business and dealings with the North Italian Mafia. Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t taken serious by some of her suppliers. It wasn’t common for a woman to be in this kind of business. Your father became her assistant, taking shipments and dealing with suppliers on her behalf. Nonetheless, it was her all along who pulled the strings.

The business ran smoothly for several years until, one day, a dispute occurred between the Sabini family and yours. As a result, your mother was shot in your family home by Sabini’s men. Giovanni Sabini resided in the UK and was Darby Sabini’s brother. He had family in the US which operated a rival gang importing the same products as your aunt Esme. After your aunt Esme ignored several of Giovanni’s demands to cease dealings in the area and accept shipments from the UK arranged by the Changratta family, he sent his men to send a message and kill Esme’s sister (your mother).

Esme and your father soon declared war on Giovanni Sabini but, your family’s local men turned against Esme as word came to them that Sabini had turned on the Changratta Family and, as a result, Luca Changratta was killed in Birmingham and the Peaky Blinders took over the supply of alcohol and cocaine to Atlanta exclusively to Giovanni Sabini’s men. This caused the Sabini family to gain greater power within the Atlanta area, much to the disadvantage of your aunt and the North Italian Mafia.

Your aunt Esme saw only one option to rectify this issue and replenish her standing within the North Italian Mafia. She sent your father back to Birmingham to make Thomas Shelby an offer he could not refuse, namely an alliance between the Peaky Blinders and the North Italian Mafia, guaranteeing exclusive supply to the entire West Coast.

Since you had become interested in the family business over the past few years and your aunt had taught you a lot about her supply and trading operations, you demanded that you join your father during his trip to Birmingham. Whilst your father had grown fearless and calculating, you were smart and practical which is just what your aunt Esme needed in order to represent her business.

Unfortunately, whilst your aunt was suspicious of your father’s recent behaviour, what she didn’t know was that he had a very different plan of his own. He wanted revenge on both, Arthur Shelby and Giovanni Sabini, even if it would cost him his own life. For this reason, your father was against you joining him on this journey. You were his only living child.

But, aunt Esme demanded that you join him and so you went.

‘Watch him and his men and report back to me’ were your aunt’s words as you left the port of Atlanta.

Back in Birmingham

After a three day boat journey, you and your father arrived in Birmingham along with several of his men.

Three of your men were questioned by border security upon their arrival. Fortunately for them, aunt Esme’s men in Birmingham had already made pay offs and you were escorted to your hotel.

Birmingham has changed a lot since you have been there last. Most factories, bars and residences were owned by Shelby Company Limited and even the hotel you were staying at was owned by Thomas Shelby.

You never met anyone from the Shelby family. Your father and older brother both worked for the Shelbys for many years until conflict emerged between them. Nonetheless, during this time, your father shielded you and your mother from these dealings. He always said there is no place for women in this business. It therefore comes as a surprise that your father works for aunt Esme now.

You know that your aunt does not trust your father. She always tells you that your father is a danger to himself and you have begun to believe it. His anger and hate has taken over in the last few months and that is why aunt Esme has sent you.

As you finally arrived at the hotel, it became clear to you that Shelby family already had tabs on you. A note from Thomas Shelby was left at reception for your father. It was an invitation to a charity event.

‘Smart’ is what you thought when you read it. Thomas Shelby obviously doesn’t know whether or not he can trust your father. What better place to discuss their business could there be than a public event where your father and his men cannot strike against him. After all, most men in Birmingham work for the Shelby family in one way or another.

Your father, however, was not impressed with the invitation and liaised with two of his men. A message was to be delivered to Thomas Shelby at the Garrison. You only ever heard of the Garrison in conjunction with your brother’s death. This is where he was killed just over 8 years ago by members of the Lee family. But, despite this, you recalled your promise to aunt Esme, to keep an eye on your father and his men.

Shortly after the two men had left to the Garrison, you sneaked out of the hotel.

The Garrison

‘Excuse me sir, how do I get to the Garrison?’ you asked the delivery driver who was delivering Gin to the hotel you were staying at.

‘The Garrison? This is really no good place for you Love’ the delivery driver said.

‘I have business to attend to at the Garrison. I am new in town and am looking to promote a new type of champaign to all of the establishments in the area’ you explained.

‘I don’t think you are going to have much luck at the Garrison Love, but I can take you there after I finish unpacking these. It’s my next delivery stop’ the man said.

‘Thank you sir, I much appreciate it’ you said as you climbed into the man’s truck.

The drive was less than 10 minutes and after you gave the man a couple of pounds for his troubles, you climbed out of the truck and went inside the Garrison while keeping a careful lookout.

The Garrison was full of drunk men, some steel factory workers and some men nicely dressed in suits.

Unfortunately for you, you could not see the men your father had sent. You carefully removed your hat and ordered a glass of whiskey.

‘Top shelf please sir’ you said as you sat down at the quite end of the bar. To your surprise, the bar tender didn’t question you or your choice of drink. It wasn’t common for women to drink in establishments like this. In fact, it was prohibited.

You decided to stay for maybe ten or fifteen minutes to see whether your father’s men would turn up. You took a careful look around every two minutes or so but the men couldn’t be found.

There was, however, one man who caught your eye. He was incredibly well dressed for a place like this and accompanied by a beautiful blonde woman. It was obvious to you that the woman wasn’t his wife. In fact, she looked just as much out of place as you did.

His eyes were blue like the sky on a sunny day in Atlanta and his hands were perfect, clean and masculine as if they had been crafted by an artist.

You couldn’t stop starring at him. His charisma was almost overwhelming.

It wasn’t long until he noticed you too. His eyes gazed over to you several times, much to the dislike of his female companion.

His looks were intimidating and you didn’t know whether he noticed you starring at him or whether he had taken an interest in you. Probably the earlier, considering that he was obviously much older than you.

After 15 minutes had passed and you felt surprisingly awkward in this man’s presence, you quickly finished your drink and decided to call it a night. You did not think that your father’s men were going to appear any time soon and it was getting quite late.

As you left, you noticed two drunk men following you.

“Ey Love, how much for the both of us?” one of the men said as he followed you.

‘In your dreams’ you said with laughter as you turned around for a brief second as, all of a sudden, the man grabbed your wrist.

‘Feisty… I like feisty girls’ the man said as he pulled you closer towards him while his acquaintance approached you and ran his hand over your blouse.

‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ you responded angrily and with some ignorance towards their actions.

‘Oh, you like it rough love?’ one of the men shouted in return while the other pushed you against the wall.

You tried to reach for your gun which was pinned to your left upper leg as, suddenly, you heard a gunshot from near the entrance to the Garrison.

It was a dark and foggy night and you couldn’t see much more than a shadow of a man approaching you and the attackers.

‘The lady said that she wants to be left alone’ another man said from the distance while pointing a gun at the attackers.

‘Piss off man’ one of the attackers yelled in a rather drunken tone, ignoring the first gunshot that had already been fired by the mysterious man.

Suddenly, you heard a second gun shot and a loud scream from one of the drunk men right beside you. He had been shot into his left knee and was in agony.

‘The next time I will aim higher’ the gunman said as he approached you closely, just before the uninjured drunk man scrambled and ran off, knocking you down onto the gravel in the process, while the other man began pleading for his life.

‘I am… I am very sorry please. I won’t…It will not happen again’ the man said. The tone of his voice was frightened and you could tell that the men knew each other.

‘I will not see you and your friend at the Garrison again, you understand?’ the gunman said angrily before allowing the injured attacker to leave.

You were lost for words. This mysterious man may have just saved your life.

Getting to know the Stranger

‘Are you alright, Miss?’ the man asked as he put away his gun and reached for your hand to help you up.

‘Thank you, I am fine’ you said quietly.

As you looked up towards the mysterious man you noticed that he was the man you had seen before, at the bar, with the beautiful blonde lady by his side.

With thoughts racing through your head, you almost didn’t notice that your legs were shaking and you had an awful pain in your left knee.

‘You are bleeding’ the man said, but you barely noticed the red staining on your white skirt. It was like you were hypnotised by this stranger.

‘Common, lets get this sorted out for you, ey?’ the man said with a caring voice and, without further words, you followed his lead back to the Garrison.

The Garrison was still as busy as when you had left and no one really noticed you walking in.

‘Bring us some bandages and whiskey. Top shelf, two glasses’ the man said before guiding you to a private room next to the bar.

‘Thank you for your help but I am fine, really’ you said to him as he pulled out a chair from beside the table in the middle of the room.

‘If you do not get this cleaned out, it will get infected. Now sit down love’ the man instructed as the barmaid brought bandages and a bottle of top shelf Irish whisky with two glasses.

The man poured you a glass of whiskey and handed it to you. Without words, you took a hasty sip knowing that, what was about to follow, would hurt. Your mother used to clean out your wounds with whisky on numerous occasions after you had fallen off your bicycle, just not as expensive as the bottle that was standing on the table right in front of you at this moment.

Without warning, the man kneeled down in front of you and lifted up your skirt just above your knees. He poured a good amount of whisky onto your wound, which caused you to clinch your teeth and some tears escape from your eyes. He then used his handkerchief to carefully pull some pieces of gravel and broken glass from your knee before wiping the wound again with some more whiskey.

‘So, tell me, what brings a girl like you to a place like this? You are clearly not from here’ the man asked as he wrapped your knee up with a bandage.

‘Business’ you clinched as you grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the table and poured yourself another glass while the man finished bandaging you up.

‘Business?’ the man asked surprised as he sat down opposite from you while lightening himself a cigarette. ‘What kind of business?’ he added.

‘Export of products to the US’ you said carefully. You didn’t know who this man was so you didn’t want to reveal anything that could be of detriment to you or aunt Esme.

‘Now that is interesting’ the man said with a grin before taking a short pause. ‘Let me guess, you want to export alcohol to your country because of the prohibition’ he added.  

‘What makes you think that?’ you asked carefully with a little pretend chuckle. It was not your place to discuss matters like this and you were surprised that he caught onto you almost immediately. Could he read you, you wondered, and regretted saying anything at all.

By this time, you were quite intimidated by this man and were contemplating to leave. On the other hand, you didn’t want to be rude. After all, he had just saved you from an attack.

‘What else could you possibly export from Birmingham to America? You manufacture machinery, vehicles and weapons yourself. This means you have no need for them. You are after something you cannot get where you are’ the man said as he leaned back into his chair.

‘Let’s not talk about business’ you said nervously. You felt as though you had been cornered.

‘Alright…let’s talk about something else’ the man said before pausing again. ‘Maybe let’s start with your name. What is your name?’ he added.

‘Y/N’ you said.

‘It is nice to meet you Y/N…’ and, before the man could introduce himself, another, older man stormed into the room.

‘They fucking got him, we need to move now’ the man yelled.

‘I am sorry Y/N, I have one of my drivers take you to wherever you are staying’ the man said before storming out of the room and grabbing two guns from behind the bar. With him were several men and all you heard was yelling and cars driving off within moments after.

Family Confrontation

A young man came into the room and introduced himself as ‘Finn’.

‘Apparently, I am your driver’ Finn said rather annoyed. ‘Where are you staying?’ he asked.

‘Renaissance Hotel’ you answered.

‘Alright, then let’s go’ Finn said in a haste.

This was an abrupt ending to an eventful night and the drive back to the hotel was rather quiet. Finn didn’t speak a word with you, not a single one.

As you approached the Hotel, Finn wished you a pleasant night before racing off. Your guess was that he was going to join the others for some kind of fight.

It appeared to you that life in Birmingham wasn’t so much different to life you knew in Atlanta. Violence, gangs and conflicts. It all was the same.

‘Y/N, what the fuck did I tell you?’ your father shouted at you as you entered the penthouse suite.

‘Father, I am not a child anymore. I can look after myself’ you said.

‘What is this, on your knee? Your skirt is full of blood’ your father asked worryingly.

‘I fell. It turns out that heels do not go well with all the horse shit on the streets here. A nice man at the Garrison helped me to get bandaged up. It is not a big deal’ you explained, not wanting to admit that you had gotten in to trouble.

‘The Garrison? What the fuck did you do at the Garrison? This place is dangerous, you hear me Y/N?’ your father said angrily.

‘I am keeping an eye on your men, something which you have obviously failed to do as they weren’t there’ you answered, causing your father to raise his hand at you.

‘Careful Y/N. This business is not for you and I wish that your aunt would learn to understand this. Get yourself cleaned up’ your father said before walking away.

And, so you did. You ran yourself a nice warm bath, knowing exactly that it will hurt, but this was exactly what you needed. Sometimes pain makes you feel alive and there has been a lot of pain in your life in the past eight years.

Your mother never got over the grief of losing her son while your father never gotten over his hate for the Shelby and Lee family. Your aunt Esme was the one who took you in, who ensured you were educated and who had confidence in you.

Being in business with her was something you wanted. You both felt that change was needed and the success that came with the business was something that gave you satisfaction. You were running her accounts for the past two years and you knew how lucrative this business was. But did your father care about it? This was always something you were wondering about.

‘Perhaps these questions and thoughts were for another night’ you said to yourself as you poured yourself a glass of whiskey and climbed into the warm bath.

It stung terribly but soon the pain went away and all you could feel was the warmth over your body.

Your mind soon drifted off into more pleasurable thoughts about the man you had met tonight.

You only ever had been with one man before and it didn’t take long for him to bore you. That being said, he was barely a man at all. He was the same age as you and studying to become lawyer. There was no adventure and no intensity. But, this man you met tonight, who was a fair bit older than you, he appeared to be far from being boring. There was some kind of intensity in his eyes, it was almost hypnotising. His voice was calming but yet intimidating and the thoughts that appeared about him in your mind were unfamiliar to you. They were intense. They were pure pleasure.

You kept wondering who this mysterious man was and whether you would see him again.

[writingwithacupoftea]

Of black cats and lessons to be learned

Summary: Someone is meddling with Y/N Shelby’s work at Shelby Company Limited and Tommy jumps to conclusions that he’ll later regret.

Word Count: 2242

A/N: I honestly still don’t know if I like this ending, but let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy it!!

The rain poured down outside the window of her office at Shelby Company Limited, and occasionally a large drop would bounce loudly off the glass. Normally Y/N would find the sound comforting, but today it was just downright fucking annoying. But as the door to said office bangs open, Y/N knows that the rain is going to be the least of her worries.

No one ever enters her office without knocking but Tommy.

And Tommy never lets the door bang unless he's pissed off.

Despite refusing to look up at her elder brother and boss, Y/N felt his glare on her as he stormed over. When Tommy slammed last week's accounts onto her desk, she slammed her pen down and glared right back at him. 

"What the fuck is this?" Tommy demanded. 

"Last week's accounts," Y/N deadpanned, not breaking eye contact. 

"This isn't the time for jokes, Y/N, this is serious. They're riddled with mistakes for the third week running. Mistakes that could be lethal to this company and people's view of us" 

"Well everything was correct when I handed it over to your secretary, I checked and double checked everything," as usual, Y/N added silently. "I keep telling you, my work is being meddled with!"  Whilst Y/N appeared calm, her blood was boiling. 

Tommy slowly took out a cigarette and lit it, in what she assumed was supposed to be an intimidating manner. It would be, to anyone but her. 

"I've been having dreams about a black cat. Someone is trying to steal my crown." He sighed. "For someone so intelligent, I'd have expected better from you, Y/N" The woman in question was stunned into silence. 

"Seriously, Tommy, me? I'd have expected better from you than to go around making accusations like that, both as your employee and as your sister.  I've supported you through everything. When everyone turned against you, I was there. And you have the nerve to stand here and say that I'm trying to overthrow you." Y/N's anger was starting to seep through into her words, and a tidal wave was sure to follow. "You know that I loved Grace when you married, but GOD you were completely blinded by a good fuck all those years ago, and do you know what?" Y/N leaned forwards, menacingly, "I think the same has happened again." 

With those few words, Tommy reached the end of his tether, slamming his hand onto the solid wood desk. "ENOUGH! If that's what you think of me, let's get the truth out in the open, eh? I think you've wanted this since the start. I think you've wormed your way around the company and the rest of this family and, blinded by your ambition -" 

"My ambition?!" "you've forgotten the one main obstacle in your way. Me. And I'll tell you something else: I’m not moving for anyone." 

A tense silence fell in the room.  Y/N, holding back her tears and refusing to show any signs of weakness, simply nodded. "That was quite the speech, Thomas. Rather hypocritical too, might I add, lecturing me on being blinded by ambition. But I'm not even going to try and defend myself against those ridiculous claims because, when it's too late, you'll realise just how wrong you were." Y/N's voice was icy cold, and she picked up her coat and bag. "I only have two things left to say to you. As your employee, I resign, you can sort this fucking mess out on your own this time. And as your sister, well, you're not my family anymore." With that, Y/N stormed past him, out of the building and let the rain disguise her tears. 

*** 

The only family member that Y/N had spoken to since the incident was Esme. She informed her sister-in-law that she was going to spend some time on the road with the Boswell's, a gypsy family who Y/N had become very well acquainted with, but they hadn't spoken since.  It wasn't running away, it was an attempt to break free. That's what Y/N kept telling herself anyway. 

Her time on the road had been exactly what she needed. The freedom, the open air, all the things that Y/N never realised that she had missed so much. Yet it was still tainted with memories of Tommy. Memories of happier times, when he would chase her around and play games and smile.  Y/N had accepted that the war had changed her older brother, but the day she stormed out he was completely unrecognisable.   

They used to always have each other's backs.  She always wanted to make her beloved brother proud, but never wanted to be 'just like Tommy', despite Arthur and John's endless teasing.  They were each other's rocks, the one reliable thing, and now that feeling of security had faded away like the smoke from his cigarettes. 

Y/N was destroyed by the incident in her office, even though she hid it well. Now, two months into her time on the road, she was ready to be busy again and so set out to find a new job. 

*** 

It had been four months since any of the family had seen or heard from Y/N. 

Tommy had discovered that, as usual, his sister's instincts had been right and there had been someone trying to bring the business down from the inside. And it was the secretary.  And she was part of another criminal gang who were rapidly expanding.  A black fucking cat if ever Tommy saw one. 

The traitor had had the nerve to tell him that the way to tear the company apart was to, quite simply, shatter the relationship between the two people who had the greatest minds and the strongest relationship: Y/N and Tommy. 

It was the truth and Tommy knew it, having already felt the impact of her absence dearly, both on the efficiency of the company and on himself.  But the it was too much for him to handle, and had let Arthur and John see to it that the secretary couldn't reveal any more truths to him. 

He had never realised how important his sister was to him, how loyal and how much he needed her.  With every day that passed without hearing of Y/N, Tommy became more and more anxious. If anything happened to her, he would never forgive himself and the rest of the family wouldn't forgive him either. 

But the day that Tommy did get news of his beloved little sister, he almost wished he hadn't. 

'A sister for a sister, seems fair enough, don't you think, Mr Shelby? We'll be in touch.' 

Along with the note came a bullet.  A bullet with Y/N's name etched into it, wrapped in her bloodied handkerchief. 

*** 

Sheffield had been the nearest city.  That was why Y/N chose to stop there. What she didn't realise is that it was a city rife with gangs. 

She had fallen in with another gang, the last thing that she wanted to do. 

And now she was locked in a cold, damp basement and, though she hated to admit it, Y/N wanted Tommy more than ever.  

Beaten and bruised, she felt like a little girl again with her desperate need to be enveloped in her older brother's arms once again.  But despite her wants and her needs, she had refused to break, even when she had been battered to the point of unconsciousness in her kidnapper's attempt to get information out of her. 

She would protect her family and their company until her last breath.  She would protect Tommy as he had protected her so many times in the past. 

But it wouldn't come to that, because Y/N Shelby was far too stubborn to die whilst being guarded by a man that couldn't even count to ten. And so, with this new found strength and resolve, she planned her escape. As much as she wanted her brother, she damn well refused to let him come riding in like her knight in shining armour... 

*** 

Days had passed since Tommy had received the note.  The Shelby clan had all reacted in their own ways, but no one was as torn up as Thomas Shelby.  He was drinking more, lashing out more, and no one knew when he was going to completely snap. 

The family had poured all of their time and energy into searching for their sister, and yet they still didn't have a single lead. All they knew was that the traitorous secretary hailed from Sheffield, however there was definitely more than one gang based there. 

But one day, a gloomy day where the rain poured down outside the Garrison, the people of Small Heath were able to stop living in fear of the leader of the Peaky Blinders' next outburst. 

Thin, trembling, black and blue, Y/N Shelby stumbled through the door to the pub, where her family were gathered. Crystal blue eyes locked with hers, widening in shock and relief. But that was the last thing she saw before letting the exhaustion take over her, and her body collapsed to the floor. 

*** 

The hours that followed were a blur for Tommy. Not caring that everyone was watching, he had scooped Y/N into his arms and refused to let her go as John had driven them to Tommy's house; even though it was only a few streets away, he didn't want her getting any colder than she already was. She was as pale as death, and Tommy was scared. 

Polly had come round, he remembered, to tend to Y/N's wounds and settle her down into his bed.  She had shooed him out of the way as he tried to stay in the room, not wanting to leave his sister's side now that he finally had her back. 

After she had gone, well, Tommy didn't know how long he sat by his sister's bedside.  It could've been minutes, or hours.  He couldn't remember the last time he had seen Y/N look so vulnerable. Since he had come back from France, she always seemed so strong. Maybe, Tommy mused, she really was too much like him sometimes.  In his dedication to the company, he'd started to forget that she was his little sister first and foremost, and not just his best employee. 

The next morning, Tommy was still so consumed with his guilt and worry that he didn't even notice when Y/N first woke up.  Yet at the small voice saying "Tom?", his attention moved completely to his little angel. 

"Hello, trouble," he said, a glimmer of a smile passing over his lips as his sister glanced quickly around the room and then straight back to him.  

"I made it," she sighed softly, tears finally beginning to pour down her cheeks. "I'm home." 

"Shhh now. You're here, you're safe, and I'm not gonna let those bastards touch you again." Tommy brought her hand, which he had been clasping tightly since the moment that Polly had finished, up to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of it. "And I am so, so sorry, sweetheart. You were right, you're always fucking right. If I'd just listened to you, you wouldn't be in this state now. I love you so much and I'm so sorry..." Tommy continued rambling quietly to himself, and Y/N was alarmed to feel his tears hitting her hand.  She was also amazed to hear the Thomas Shelby say the word 'sorry' - he usually said it through his actions, and never actually said it out loud.  But here he was, unable to stop whispering it to her. 

"Tom..." 

"Don't you dare fucking tell me that this isn't my fault." Y/N was brought to silence by the severity of his voice. "I failed you, Y/N/N." 

"You've taught me so much Tommy, and I love you more than anything, but speak to me like you did all those months ago and I will leave again. Maybe it's time the roles were reversed and you let your little sister teach you some things, yeah?" The siblings chuckled at that. Tommy knew that he couldn't cope with her leaving again. He just couldn't. His entire world had crumbled in the time that she had been away, but at the same time he knew that Y/N was right. Painfully, he added, he knew that she'd be right to get away from him if he ever became like that again.  

Y/N saw the tear tracks left on her brother's face and the look in his eyes that told her that he was scared that she was going to vanish right before his eyes. She knew that, as much as this conversation wasn't over, it could wait for another day, and she patted the space next to her on the bed. "Come on, you big old softie." 

"Oi, watch it." Tommy replied, sternly. However Y/N saw the teasing glint in her brother's eyes as he gently wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to his chest, and placed a kiss on the top of her head. 

As they lay there, the sun gently began to break through the clouds.

***

Both of them had a lot to learn, they knew that. But they'd do it together in their typical Y/N and Tommy way. 

And the first lesson that Y/N learnt was that when Tommy Shelby said that he wasn't going to let you out of his sight for a while, he really fucking meant it. 

[fanficshiddles]

Butterfly Into Chains, Chapter 10

Esme woke up to the light jostling of the car. She sat up straight and wiped her eyes, she wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep for. But when she looked out the window it was a beautiful sunny day and they were driving along a motorway.

‘Hey sleepyhead. You doing alright?’ David asked, turning around to look at her.

She just nodded.

‘We’re going to stop soon for some food at services and for a toilet break.’ Ben said, looking in the mirror at her.

‘Where are we?’ She asked quietly, her anxiousness returning about being away from her home.

‘We have just passed through the borders into Scotland. We’re heading further up into the highlands, where we live.’ David smiled.

‘You live in Scotland?’ She screeched, eyes wide in shock. She didn’t think she would be going that far away from East Meadowridge….

David chuckled at her reaction. ‘Yes. It’s a beautiful place, you’ll love it. We are stopping off in Glasgow on the way.’

Esme swallowed hard. The thought of being in a busy city didn’t exactly fill her with much excitement.

It was ten minutes later when they stopped at services. Esme was glad to get out of the car to stretch her legs, even though she had slept most of the way she was still feeling tired from travelling.

And she hadn’t exactly recovered from last night.

There were a lot of people mingling about, her senses were already overflowed with different smells from various other Alphas and omegas, betas too.

Ben and David knew she was feeling worried and a bit scared.

‘Don’t worry, you’re safe with us.’ Ben assured her, slipping his arm around her. ‘If anyone dares try anything, I will give him a wedgie.’

That made her laugh a little, which they were glad to see and hear.

Esme did notice a lot of other omegas with their Alphas. But she noticed she was the only one with more than one, which she knew wasn’t exactly the norm in the first place.

The two Alphas she was with took her into the building, they waited outside the toilets while she went into the ladies. Then they joined the queue at Burger King to get some lunch. They were almost at the front when Tom, Michael and Chris finally joined them, they’d been held up in some traffic.

After ordering, Ben, Chris and Tom took Esme to find a seat outside on a picnic bench while the other two waited inside for the food.

‘How does it feel to be away from Meadowridge?’ Chris asked Esme as he sat next to her.

‘Uhm… I don’t know really. It’s… different so far.’ She said quietly.

Tom reached across the table and put his hand over hers, her skin tingled under his touch. Even if she was feeling a bit on edge with him. ‘We truly want you to enjoy life, we want what is best for you.’ He said softly, stroking her hand.

Esme didn’t think he was lying, why would he? When she thought about it, she couldn’t understand a reason as to why they wouldn’t treat her right. As far as Alphas go, they were all good looking and fun to be around, she had learnt. Maybe she was thinking too much into it all, that they had tricked her into this. But perhaps they genuinely just fell for her and Tom couldn’t contain himself. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, was there?

‘I know… thank you.’ She said quietly with a smile.

She decided to try and keep an open mind. Despite the nervous butterflies in her stomach.

Michael and David joined them with all the food and they had a bit of a feast. The Alphas all ate like bears, while Esme felt stuffed after one burger and some chips.

‘Lightweight.’ Michael said playfully, grinning at her across the table when she gave up.

‘More for you guys.’ She groaned, rubbing her stomach.

After lunch, Esme felt a little better and more relaxed with the Alpha pack. When they returned to the cars, David offered her the front seat, which she accepted. Chris also joined their car instead.

‘Tom and Michael are heading straight home while we stop off in Glasgow.’ Ben explained as they set off once more.

‘Why are we stopping there?’

‘It’s for you, we are getting you a wardrobe full of new clothes.’ David said, reaching forward to give her shoulder a squeeze.

‘Really?’ She asked, surprised.

‘Of course. We can’t have you just living in that one dress forever.’ Chris chuckled.

‘I uhm… I don’t have any money with me though.’ Esme wasn’t sure how that was going to work from now on. Of course she had a bank account, but she hadn’t taken her card with her. It was still at home. She had never expected to be whisked away like she was.

‘Don’t worry, we’re going to be providing for you from now on. You don’t need to worry about that.’ David assured her.

‘What, so… I won’t be finding work?’ She was slightly panicked as she looked to Ben then over her shoulder at the other two.

‘You will not be. There’s no need. You’re our omega and we will provide for you. Tom will explain everything later once we get home. Don’t fret.’ Chris said calmly.

Esme nodded and sat back round, she kept her eyes on the road ahead of her. It started raining, but didn’t last long at all and then the sun was back out again.

‘Typical Scottish weather.’ Ben chuckled.

‘Does it get as cold as they say it does in winter?’ Esme asked.

‘It can do. We either get really bad winters or quite good ones. There’s never an in-between really. Everything doesn’t just stop when we do get snow though, unlike down in England.’ David said, reaching over to offer Esme a sweet.

‘Thanks.’ She said after picking out a red one. ‘Yeah, everyone used to go nuts when there was even a tiny bit of snow at home. It was unbelievable.’

‘Do you like the snow?’ Chris asked.

‘I do, yeah. I enjoy sledging, we had a really good hill that everyone would flock to.’ She smiled, then felt a little down thinking she wouldn’t ever go there again.

‘Wait till you see the hills around our home. Plenty of them, just waiting for the snow.’ Chris smiled.

Esme tried to think of the positives. She was going to try and think how this was going to be a new chapter of her life. New places, new people, new adventures… With five Alphas who claimed to care for her. She was getting hopeful about her future, and she was going to try and continue with that frame of mind.

When they arrived in Glasgow, she felt her nerves returning very quickly. The further into the centre they got the worse she felt. It was so busy. Cars and pedestrians everywhere.

‘It’s so busy.’ She said when they stopped at traffic lights. ‘And the buildings are so tall.’ She peeked out and up at the one next to them.

‘Don’t worry, where we live isn’t like this. We live in the countryside, on the cliffside. There’s a village a few miles away. We’ve just come here because it’s the best place to shop for clothes and anything else you shall need.’ Ben assured her, reaching over he gave her knee a squeeze.

They parked up in one of the shopping centres car parks. When they got out, Esme automatically took hold of David’s hand as he was nearest to her. He smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head. ‘You’re alright, poppet, don’t worry. You’re safe with us.’

Surprisingly, Esme did feel safe with the three Alphas as they walked through the busy shopping centre. They made sure to keep close to her, giving her hand a squeeze whenever she gave off scared or uncertain pheromones.

They managed to distract her when they entered some clothes shops. They told her the sky was the limit, not to worry about price. She was a little unsure at first, only picking out one or two dresses.

But Chris reminded her that she needed a full wardrobe. So she soon ended up with loads of bags full of clothes, that the Alphas all carried for her. The Alphas tempted her mainly towards dresses, especially light and some baggy, flowy kind of ones. But she didn’t think anything of it really.

She got some toiletries that were necessary and then before heading back to the car they got some Krispie Kreme doughnuts.

‘Oh wow. These are amazing!’ Esme said as she quickly devoured one.

‘They don’t have them in East Meadowridge?’ Chris asked, shocked.

‘Nope. Nothing exciting like this there, not really.’ Esme shrugged.

‘You’ve got some jam on your face.’ Chris grinned at her and moved in, wiping said jam from the side of her lips. He then sucked his thumb and winked at her, making her blush.

Esme had kind of enjoyed her little shopping spree in Glasgow, even if they hadn’t left the shopping centre. But at the same time, she was relieved to get back to the safety of the car. She went in the backseat for the last part of the journey, with David. Chris drove, to give Ben a break.

It was a couple of hours away from Glasgow, but Esme enjoyed the drive as the scenery was beautiful. It certainly lived up to the expectations she’d heard about Scotland.

They drove through a small village, that Esme was told is their local. There was a pub, restaurant and a small shop for the basics. It was a nice and quiet village, typical kind of one you’d find on postcards. It was cute.

Chris drove them up a steep road and then off onto a dirt track, up the cliffs. They then came to the driveway and they stopped as they got to the gates. Esme felt her stomach churn again, all she could see was a huge, at least twelve-foot-tall, concrete wall that went as far as the eye could see. The gate opened and Chris drove them through, that’s when her eyes widened when she saw what was to be her new home.

It overlooked the sea, but wasn’t right at the edge of the cliff. Though the sea was viewable, as the large boundary wall was downhill from the house. There was quite a large garden, as well as a small parking gravel area. The house itself looked pretty big, it was very open and bright, with roof to floor glass windows covering most of it.

When they came to a stop and Esme got out of the car, Tom and Michael came out to greet them.

‘Welcome to your new home, love.’ Tom grinned, opening his arms to her.

She felt a bit nervous again upon seeing him for some reason, but she accepted his embrace. She felt slightly better when she took in his scent, it was starting to become a comfort. Her omega knew that was the smell of her Alpha.

‘Did you get everything you needed in Glasgow?’ Tom asked as he leaned back to look at her, cupping the back of her head.

‘I think so… Thank you.’ She smiled.

‘Good, come on in. Let me show you around your new home.’ Tom slipped his hand to her lower back and guided her inside, while the others unpacked the car.

Esme was in shock at how large and amazing the house was. Very modern. But what caught her eye the most was the last room Tom showed her, it was going to be her room. Or more… Their room.

‘The bed is huge!’ She gasped. It was twice the size of a King-sized bed. More than enough room for… six people… she realised.

‘Exactly.’ Tom grinned, leaning down closer to her so she could feel his warm breath against her ear. ‘Plenty of room for all of us.’ He slid his hand up her back, to the back of her neck. He stroked her softly, feeling her tremble under his touch.

‘All… All of us?’ She gulped.

‘Of course. We all sleep here. However, we all have our own private rooms too if we want some alone time. But there will always be at least one of us in here with you, love. There’s a walk-in wardrobe over there, you can unpack your clothes.’ He guided her over to the wardrobe and when he slid the door open, she gasped again.

It was huuuuuge!

‘This side is mine, Michael and Ben’s clothes.’ He pointed to the right. Then he pointed to the left at the end of the wardrobe. ‘Down there is Chris and David’s space, which means you have all this for yourself.’ He said as he motioned to the closest area next to them.

‘Oh wow… Thank you.’

‘There’s one last thing, before I leave you to get unpacked and settled in.’ Tom motioned for her to follow him out into the bedroom.

The other four Alphas had all appeared, Michael and Ben sat on the end of the bed while Chris and David hovered by the dresser. There was a box sitting on said dresser that Tom picked up. He turned around and smiled widely at Esme.

‘This is a gift for you, from us. It’s something that you are to wear at all times, unless otherwise instructed.’ Tom flipped the lid open and held it out towards her.

Esme felt the colour drain from her face as she gazed into the box. She felt slightly light headed when she looked up at Tom in shock. With a shaky hand, she reached into the box and pulled it out.

It was a collar. A leather collar. But it had really soft velvet on the inside for comfort. It was just under an inch deep and it had a small silver O-ring at the front for attaching a lead. Or it could just be there to look pretty.

‘Turn around, love. I’ll put it on.’ Tom spun his finger around as he took the collar from her.

Esme turned, now faced with Michael and Ben on the bed. She smiled nervously at them then directed her gaze down.

She closed her eyes and gasped when she felt Tom’s fingers brush against her, slipping the collar around her neck. The velvet felt nice on her skin, she was glad it wasn’t leather on the inside.

Tom slid the collar through the buckle and tightened it, but not too tight to choke her. He made sure there was still a little wiggle room so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable, since she was going to be wearing it all the time.

‘There we go. How does our girl look then guys?’ Tom smiled proudly and slid his hands down her arms as he turned her around, displaying her for the others.

‘Beautiful.’ ‘Stunning.’ ‘Divine.’ Was purred between the Alphas, all eyeing her up hungrily.

Tom turned her around to face him again, he looked pleased as punch as he looked her up and down. He cupped her cheek and smiled.

‘And you’re all ours.’

[ihavethoughtsplural]

Blood and Chocolate: An Adaptation in Name Only

Previously: Section 0 - Introduction

Section 1 – The Book

Preface: The 1997 novel Blood and Chocolate is DENSE.  The paperback only spans 264 pages, but the story follows the coming of age of a dynamic and flawed female protagonist, encompasses ancient werewolf legends and laws, goes in depth into lycanthropic politics, and also features a love triangle, a teenage soap opera, a forbidden romance, and a goddamned murder mystery.

Summary: Vivian Gandillon is a 15-year-old werewolf.  A year after her father was killed in the fire that destroyed their home, Vivian is lost and grieving while her leaderless pack falls apart in the Maryland suburbs that they fled to.  Aiden, a tall, gentle human classmate attracts her attention and presents Vivian an escape from the tangled, animalistic world of werewolves.  Keeping her lycanthropy secret, Vivian begins to date Aiden, defying the laws of her people.   Vivian is pressured to break things off by her mother, her five delinquent age-mates, and the would-be leader, Gabriel. Gabriel, a 24 year-old welder, is attractive, intimidating and the object of intense romantic competition.  He, more than any other, tries to convince Vivian that her dalliance with a human is dangerous, eventually revealing that he speaks from painful personal experience. The story twists and turns, tearing Vivian and Aiden apart while pulling Vivian and Gabriel together.  In the end, through many trials, Vivian discovers that she can’t escape either her human or her animal nature, and must embrace both.  

Themes: Vivian’s central character arc finds her struggling with what she wants as opposed to what she needs.  At the opening of the novel, Vivian wants to escape the violent chaos of her pack, with its painful history and uncertain future. She finds that escape in Aiden, with his Beaver Cleaver family, his lovably quirky friends, and his sweetness and simplicity.   However, when the time comes to reveal the hidden aspects of her identity, Aiden can’t handle it.  Despite his supernatural curiosity, he cannot accept the supernatural when it presents itself to him.  His rejection sends Vivian into a tailspin of self-destruction that only ends when she accepts the love that Gabriel is offering, a love that honors all of what she is.  To ultimately find happiness, Vivian had to give up what she wanted and embrace what she needed. In addition to this, there is also a great deal of time in the novel spent contrasting the human and the animal sides of Vivian’s nature.  Her two suitors Aiden and Gabriel represent, respectively, the human and the animal. Scenes of Vivian socializing with Aiden and his human friends are juxtaposed with scenes of Vivian’s werewolf pack brutally vying for dominance.  The very title of the book is a reference to this dichotomy, Blood – representing Vivian’s animal desires, and Chocolate – representing Vivian’s human longings.   Throughout the novel, Vivian swings between these two extremes, at one point drinking herself into a heartbroken stupor over Aiden, then blacking out and waking up in her bed next to a severed hand. She tries, in her romance with Aiden, to balance her human and animal sides, but she only achieves that balance with Gabriel, a partner who also exists in the grey area between man and beast.

Highs: These are the aspects of the novel have captivated my imagination and kept this book in my collection for so long.

o   Werewolf Society:  It’s a damn shame that Klause hasn’t written more stories within this framework, because it is absolutely ripe for exploration and development.  The enormous potential here is one of the primary reasons why this book has held my fascination for so long and why I have written so much (published and unpublished) fanfiction for it.

o   Flawed Characters: No one who’s read the book will tell you that Vivian is perfect or even likeable 100% of the time, but it fits with her characterization as a grieving, lost teenager and serves to make her all the more like an actual person.  Most of the characters are like that, with their good qualities balanced or sometimes overwhelmed by their less savory sides.  It makes the fictional world feel richer and more realistic, despite the supernatural elements.

o   Consequences: The characters in this novel make real, awful mistakes, and they face lasting consequences for them.  One of Vivian’s mistakes – maiming Astrid while defending her mother, directly leads to Vivian’s ex, Rafe, getting sucked into Astrid’s revenge plot, leading to Vivian being framed for murder and the eventual executions of both Rafe and Astrid, during which Vivian is accidentally shot by Aiden.  

CONSEQUENCES!   They make the story more believable, more suspenseful, and this novel, with its cast of flawed characters, would not have worked without them.

o   Assertive Female Protagonist: Vivian is refreshingly frank about her desires, which is very noticeable in her courtship with Aiden.  Aiden assumes that he has to advance their physical relationship slowly so as to not frighten or offend Vivian, while Vivian urges him on.  She doesn’t hesitate when going after what she wants, and she’s not ashamed of her sexuality.  It’s a welcome change from the restrictions that western society places on female desire, and I’d like to see more characters like her.

Lows:  Blood and Chocolate is far from perfect, but, in my opinion, there are three glaring flaws in this book, and I would be remiss if I didn’t address them.

o   The Esme Question: The first point is one that, once seen, cannot be unseen. Vivian’s mother, Esme, is one of the women competing for Gabriel’s affections at the beginning of the novel.  It is established that they go on dates (“Saw your mother go into Tooley’s bar with Gabriel last night.” p. 18), but Klause is not explicit about how far their relationship has gone.  This ambiguity leaves open a potentially disturbing possibility:  

It is canonically possible that Gabriel had a sexual relationship with Esme and then moved on to sexually pursue her daughter, Vivian.

Personally, I can reasonably believe that Gabriel and Esme never progressed beyond idle flirting because:

a.       Vivian strikes me as the type of person who would mark her mother’s sexual partners as “off limits”.

b.       Up until just past the Ordeal scene, both Esme and Astrid are still fighting over Gabriel, implying that neither of them had really “won” him.  

c.       The possibility outlined above seems like it would be a bridge too far to be included in a YA novel, especially in the 90′s.  

Your mileage may vary.  I’ve seen reviews of the book whose negative ratings hinge on the fact that Gabriel dated Esme at all, irrespective of whether their relationship was sexual or not.  Honestly?  I can’t blame them.  If the mere existence of this possibility squicks you out, then it’s likely going to sour the ending and ruin the rest of the book for you.

o   The Age Differences: The second point is the least defensible. At the end of the novel, Vivian is 16 and Gabriel is 24.  That minor/adult 8 year age gap constitutes a “yikes” in my part of the world.  Klause skirts this by establishing that werewolf society has some stark differences with human society, namely that a 16 year old female is considered an adult by werewolf law.  This is still a rather uncomfortable detail to be included in an American YA novel, and the older I get, the more uncomfortable it becomes.

In addition to the Vivian/Gabriel age gap, there is the even wider Astrid/Rafe age gap. Rafe is Vivian’s ex and age mate, although there are reasons to assume that he is slightly older than her.  This places him somewhere in a probable 16-18 age range. He is canonically younger than 21, which makes him, according to werewolf law, not yet an adult.  Astrid has a son who is also Vivian’s age, which places Astrid somewhere in her late 30’s to mid 40’s.  In the book, Astrid and Rafe have a sexual relationship.

To be fair to Klause, this is framed in the novel as being toxic and ultimately destructive to both Astrid and Rafe.  Near the end of the story, Rafe finally realizes that Astrid has been taking advantage of him, turning Rafe, in my opinion, into a tragic victim of manipulation.  

Let me leave this segment with a PSA:

If you’re reading this and you’re underage, please don’t enter into a “relationship” with an adult.  The adults in these scenarios in the real world are predators, and they’re preying on your inexperience and naïveté.  They know that you probably won’t recognize relationship red flags and they think they can pressure you into doing unsafe and unhealthy things in the name of “love”. Stay safe, kids!

o   Sexual Harassment:   My third and final low point is one that I have very mixed feelings about.  As a result, this is the longest segment of this post, so strap in. In the novel, many of the interactions between Vivian and male characters are inappropriately sexual.  The most egregious offenders are the Five, Gabriel, and Aiden’s father. The Five, Vivian’s male werewolf peers, are crass, rude and arrogant.  Led by Rafe, they display a lot of entitlement for Vivian’s affections.  The most pointed (and gross) of these displays happens on p.41:

“You’re not Princess Wolf now,” Rafe growled behind her.  “Wait too long and we’ll take what we want.” 

That?  Yeah, that’s a direct rape threat!  Rafe also goes on to grope Vivian at her birthday party.  He’s a peach!   Gabriel’s harassment mostly takes the form of unwanted advances.  It peaks after the Ordeal, the battle royale where Vivian accidentally wins the right to be Gabriel’s mate.  In the aftermath, Gabriel corners Vivian in her kitchen, forces a non-consensual kiss on her and declares his intentions to court her.   Aiden’s father is notable in the contrast he provides.  Vivian only interacts with him once, when Aiden invites her to a family cookout. During this scene, he repeatedly leers at her, makes suggestive comments and on p. 79:

Vivian could hear the innuendo in Mr. Teague’s voice.  It made her skin crawl.

However, if you compare Mr. Teague’s harassment to Gabriel, the Five and others, you’ll find that there is a significant difference in Vivian’s reaction.  Vivian isn’t afraid to bite back at the Five’s harassment – scoring vivid revenge for Rafe’s groping when she injures his genitals.  She tries to do the same to Gabriel when he forces a kiss on her, but he relents on his own.   We see a similar dynamic when Esme snaps at Bucky, another male werewolf, who catcalls her in a bar.  This forms a pattern which suggests that forceful sexuality is a feature of werewolf culture.  Vivian confirms this the first time that she and Aiden kiss on p. 51:

“He was gentle.  She hadn’t expected that.  Kisses to her were a tight clutch, teeth, and tongue.”

And this is where my mixed feelings come in. I don’t condone the harassment that Vivian experiences, but I understand why Klause wrote it.  Any author writing inhuman characters can’t simply tell us that they are inhuman, they have to show it.  The forceful sexuality of the werewolf characters in this book is one way that Klause clearly shows that they are NOT human and serves as a contrast to the human characters.   But where does Aiden’s dad fit into this?  His harassment is milder than the Five’s or Gabriel’s, but it disgusts Vivian in a way that the other harassment didn’t.  Why?  Sexual harassment seems to be a constant feature of her pack life.  This isn’t even the only time that an older man leers at her – on p. 115, in the same scene where Esme gets catcalled:

Some of those male eyes strayed to Vivian, too, and she preened at the thought of being a threat.

That’s a far cry from the skin-crawling disgust she felt with Mr. Teague, but it’s basically the same offense.  What’s different?  We find it in a conversation with him on p. 74:

“I would think a girl like you would go out with someone older.” He winked at Vivian. Like someone your age?  Vivian thought, repelled by the man’s lack of loyalty to his son.

Vivian’s disgust stems from the fact that the man flirting with her is her boyfriend’s father.  She’s shown to welcome sexual attention from other older men, and she has no problems handling more overt harassment, but the paternal disloyalty sickens her. The overt sexual harassment is there, and if it makes it impossible for you to enjoy the book, I don’t blame you.  Your feelings are valid, and I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong.  Personally, I understand the authorial reasoning behind its inclusion, and its utility as a characterization tool, so it doesn’t prevent me from enjoying the story. Your mileage may vary.

Verdict: The 1997 novel Blood and Chocolate is flawed, but fascinating.  It sets multifaceted characters into a tantalizing world of men and monsters, where the line between good and evil is blurred into nonexistence.  It is, despite its problematic elements, my favorite book.

Next: Section 2 - Adaptation Challenges

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Roguish Women Part 12

Summary: Kate Rosseau is an American who fled to Paris to escape her past life. Now she's dancing and playing the part of a courtesan at the Moulin Rouge. There she meets Tommy Shelby who thinks she can be useful in expanding his empire. But has he been blinded?

Part 11: Tommy confides in Kate, telling her that he suspects Alfie isn’t loyal. 

            “I tell you, Esme, he’s really something else. I mean fuck’s sake I’ve seen Jewish gangsters before but Alfie Solomons.” Kate let out a low whistle. “I’d have to have an army behind me if I ever wanted to cross him. Knocked a man out cold with one blow. I mean Jesus Christ, that has to be some sort of talent of his.”

            Back in Birmingham, Kate was at the betting shop, alone with John’s wife who she got along well with. She was in the kitchen with the curtain open so she could talk to Esme while making something quick to eat for lunch.

            That’s when she heard the door open and suddenly, she realized Esme was focused on something else.

            “Es?” Kate walked out to see a well-dressed woman walking inside. The room suddenly became tense as the woman appeared out of her element and Esme was on guard. “Don’t think we’ve met.” She tried to break the discomfort in the air.

            “May Carleton.” The woman greeted in a posh accent. “I have an appointment with Mr. Shelby.”

            Kate subtly glanced at Esme who shook her head. “Here? He’s got an office, I mean. And it’s a lot nicer than this place.”

            “Oh, yes, I asked for this address. He said he ran a gambling den and I-” May looked a little pink in the face. “I wanted to see one but I see now I’m early and I don’t know how to behave.”

            “Well, it helps if you can hold your ground. Men ‘round here are a bit aggressive when it comes to placing bets.” Kate smiled and sat down.

            Esme still seemed suspicious of the wealthy looking woman but curious all the same. “What do you do, then?” She went back to her daily tasks about the shop.

            “Oh, I’m going to train Tommy’s horse for Epsom,” May answered as she took a look around the place.

            Kate sat down with her snack. “So that’s why he was asking if I knew anything about horses.” She realized. “He got himself a horse and someone to train it.”

            “You know horses?” May wondered.

            “No, Esme does.”

            John’s wife smiled and nodded. “Most gypsy girls do. We’re born riding horses.”

            “There’s a fucking great Riley parked out there and nobody’s watching it!” John entered the shop loudly, as he usually did.

            “That’s a nice car.” Kate gave May an impressed look. Apparently, her wealth wasn’t limited to just clothing.  

            “John,” Esme stepped in before he made any plans on nicking the car while its owner was in the room.

            “Hey!” Kate smacked his hand away as he tried to snatch her lunch instead. “Fuck off and go find Tommy, Miss Carleton here is looking for him.”

            Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Tommy entered the shop through the kitchen. “Sorry I’m late. Take a look around?” He wondered.

            “Because there’s just so much to see,” Kate mumbled. She couldn’t blame anyone for the monotonous surroundings. Small Heath wasn’t much to look at. Neither was London but at least Alfie Solomons kept Kate on her toes. Returning to Birmingham was like settling into a tepid bath. It was familiar but the same old thing. It didn’t help that she was back to the place where Santo knew she was.

            Tommy ignored the comment. “So, you’ve come to get my girl, aye?”

            “Yes.” May seemed a bit glad to get out of the betting shop.

            “Kate, I’ll be needing a word with you once I return from speak with Miss Carleton.”

            She brushed her hands off and stood up. “I can walk with you now. Unless Esme needs me here.”

            “No, she’ll keep it locked up for now.” Tommy lit up a cigarette. “Walk with us.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

            May seemed to take the hint and lagged behind so Tommy and Kate could converse in private on the way to the Yard.

            “You got along easily with Alfie.”

            Kate crossed her arms over her chest and shrugged. “I get along easily with a lot of people. It’s called being outgoing.” She replied deadpan.

            “What I mean, is he seems to trust you.” Tommy reiterated to get his point across. He didn’t want to talk in circles with her, not when he was so busy.

            “I don’t like where this is going, Tommy. You asked me to conduct business with the man, that’s what I’m doing. You asked me for contacts in America, that’s what I gave you. I wouldn’t double-cross that man for any sum. So, don’t even try bargaining with me.”

            “Those words never came out me mouth, now did they?”

            Kate rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t play games with me. I know what you were hinting at.” She stopped walking to face him, making sure May wasn’t in earshot. “I know you like to play your pieces and strategize or whatever.” She jabbed a finger into his chest. “But you’re not putting me in those cross-fires. I spelled out what I’d do for protection. Getting myself killed seems to be counterintuitive.”        

            Tommy cleared his throat and reached into the inside of his pocket. Inside an envelope were a train ticket and a roll of cash. “Go to London and pay him a visit. Don’t need to say anything, just discuss business as usual. If you notice something’s wrong, you bring that information back to me.”

            Kate’s hear tbeat rapidly in her chest. It was obvious Tommy knew something she didn’t. “No, no fuck off. I’m not doing that.” She stepped away from him and pushed the envelope back into his hand.

            “He requested a meeting, I said you’d go and see him.” He insisted.

            “And why don’t you go?” She demanded. “You go and find out what you want to know.”

            “I’m busy.”

            “Busy.” She scoffed. “With what?”

            Tommy sighed and glanced over his shoulder to May who was waiting patiently a few yards away.

            Kate let out a sarcastic snort. “Oh, I see you’re too busy with the pretty horse trainer. And here I was thinking you had sworn off women for good.”

            “For the Derby.” He clarified firmly. He didn’t want her going around toting off rumors that he was involved with May. Even if it was the intention, sort of.

            Kate wrinkled her nose in disgust and snatched the envelope from his hand. “Don’t fucking understand what all this fuss is about this Derby. One horse race and Tommy Shelby is going to end up with a key to the world? Isn’t that easy.” She snapped before walking off with the ticket and money in hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            “Y’know, I’ve always had issues with Italians.”

            Kate clicked her tongue as she tried to keep track of the numbers on the ledger in front of her instead of Alfie’s out of the blue comment. If Tommy hadn’t said anything about Alfie’s loyalty, then she would’ve gladly accepted the trip to London without a second thought. She enjoyed the man’s presence. He was interesting, to say the least.

            “Is that right? Is it a preference? I knew many Jews in America who didn’t feel the same.”

            “Call it experience.” Alfie idly cracked his knuckles over his cane. “You must have the same preference, then, that right?”

            “I tend not to focus on ethnicities, Mr. Solomons.” Kate didn’t spare a moment to look up from the report he’d given her upon the start of the meeting.

            “’Less they’re hunting you down.”

            That made her set the ledger aside. She laced her fingers together and rested them on her knee. “I thought we had an understanding, Alfie. I like you and you like me. I don’t ask for a list of your enemies and you don’t ask about mine.”

            Alfie ran a hand over his beard a few times as he studied her face. “See, thing is, Kate, if I do business with someone, I do like to know whether there’s any sort of, well, liabilities.”

            It was like Tommy was there in spirit, pointing out all the little tells that something was wrong. Even in the roundabout way Alfie spoke, Kate could see he wasn’t being entirely honest. “Have you been speaking with Italians?” She asked in as casual of a manner she could muster.

            “We don’t ask about each other’s enemies, yeah?” His right hand twitched.

            “Would you like to talk about my enemies, Alfie?”

            He held his arms out as if embracing her from across the desk. “I’ve got all the time in the world, love.”

            That was enough of an answer for Kate. The answer that Tommy was right. There was something Alfie was planning behind the scenes. “His name is Santo Leoni, but I’m sure you already knew that. He’s from Boston. Runs everything on the Italian side, but you knew that as well. Something you might not know, Alfie,” She leaned forward. “but something I know and know very well. He leaves a trail of ash behind him. Everyone he wants dead, dies. He’s after me but he’s also after anyone I’ve been in contact with, anyone he thinks has been hiding me, helping me.”

            Alfie wasn’t scared, obviously, in fact, he looked completely unbothered. “So that’s what you give the Shelbys then, yeah, in return for giving you a bit of work?” He asked. “You set them up to be burned, that right?”

            “No.” Kate stood up and gathered her things. “Because I think they’re the only ones capable of taking him down.” Their eyes met for a moment, almost in an understanding. Alfie knew that she knew. And Kate knew that he had figured her out. “Good afternoon, Mr. Solomons.”

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            At the train station, Kate phoned the office. Lizzie answered immediately.

            “Liz, I’ve got to speak to Tommy, it’s urgent.”

            The secretary paused. “He’s left for Surrey. I could try to find the number for the address but I don’t know how long it’ll take.”

            “Fuck, what on Earth is he doing in Surrey?” Kate threw her hand up in disbelief. The man was always on the move it was hard enough to pin him down when he was just in the office.

            “Visiting the racehorse for the derby,” Lizzie answered.

            “Visiting the-for the love of-too busy for-” She held back a frustrated scream. “Too busy to attend meetings but he can fuck off to Surrey with that woman. Jesus Christ, I need to speak with him now.” She insisted.

            “Arthur or John might be around, want me to get them?”

            “No, no, I-I don’t know what Tommy’s told them.” Kate ran a hand over her face in frustration. She wasn’t enjoying all the secrecy and hushed plans. It made it difficult to know where she stood. “I’m coming back to Birmingham now. If he calls, you tell him that he was right about Alfie.”

            “Right about…”

            “Just say those words exactly, he’ll know what it means.” Kate hung up the phone to hurry off to board the train. “At least I hope he knows.”  

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Masterlist

[hail-tommy-shelby]

Night At The Garrison (A Tommy Shelby Imagine)

Wattpad - @BRINGMETHECHLOE

Tumblr - @hail-tommy-shelby

{This is the first smut imagine I have wrote so forgive me if it's not the best. I would love your feedback after you have read it, if there are things I need to improve on I'd love it if you would tell me. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

If you like this imagine I will be posting more on this Tumblr for you to read. I am also starting a full fanfiction for Tommy Shelby on my wattpad which will have many chapters.

I hope you enjoy my writing. Happy reading.}

For as long as I can remember it's always been me and Ada. Ever since we were children you couldn't find one of us without the other. We used to say it was me and her against the world and we continued that way forever. Being best friends with her for this long we are more like sisters now. Such a close bond that can never be broken. We have no secrets between us, never will. No secret could be too big that we couldn't tell. That's how I knew about her and Freddie Thorne long before anyone else. I keep her secrets and she keeps mine. I was also the first to find out when she got pregnant. Me and Polly were the only ones that knew.

Polly and I are very close too. She classes me as family and has done since I was little. With me and Ada so close I practically grew up with and around the Shelby's. Polly and Ada treated me like family and the brothers always treated me well, especially John. Arthur used to tease him saying he loved me.

As I got older the way the Shelby's treated me never changed. They always made sure I was okay and kept me close. Tommy however, Tommy changed towards me. We used to talk, joke and have a laugh, then it all seemed to stop. He started talking to me less and less until I only got the occasional word out of him. I never knew why. I guess as he took on more and more responsibility with Shelby Company Limited he had no time to waste talking to his little sisters friend.

As the company got bigger and I grew up Polly insisted they give me a job. Now years later here I am, still working for the company and still as close to Ada and Polly as ever.

Now I spend most days working with the girls while doing the books. I've always loved working with them, it's always a laugh with Polly and Esme. After she married John getting to know her, me and Esme became great friends. We get along well and I'm glad John has someone like her, she's good for him.

Lizzie is the only other girl to work with us doing the books sometimes. She doesn't say much especially to me. I always get the feeling she really dislikes me and sometimes at work I catch her staring at me. I really don't understand Lizzie. I know Esme really doesn't like her. As soon as she found out John slept with her and nearly married her that was it. The dislike was clear. I don't think Polly is particularly a fan of her either. Her and Esme have this joke that Lizzie's mood that day depends on if she's currently fucking Tommy or not. I try not to think of it as the thought makes me feel sick.

Only Ada knows this but when I was younger I always hoped I would end up with him. I mean who wouldn't? Tommy is absolutely gorgeous. As I grew older I knew me and him would never be together and I accept that now. I still think he's stunning but I know he won't be mine. I just hope he finds someone that truly loved him and doesn't just want to fuck him.

Now here I am. I've finished work for the day and I'm at Polly's house with her and Ada. Tonight is a big night. Arthur and Tommy have completely done up the garrison and tonight is it's grand opening. Everyone is going to be there. The whole Shelby family and everyone who works for them. I'm really looking forward to it. Ada has a babysitter for Karl so we decided tonight we are going all out.

Me, Ada and Polly are getting ready, knowing tonight is a big deal we all want to look out best. After a bit of consideration I decide I'm going to wear my best stuff and dress up. For a little confidence I put on my black lace bra and panties with a matching garter belt that holds up my stockings. Just knowing I'm wearing this boosts my confidence greatly.

Getting dressed I start to put on my black embroidered dress which I bought just for the occasion. I love the dress as it hugs my hips and falls to my knees. It shows off my body nicely and looks great with the black heels I've paired with it.

After finishing my hair I stare into the mirror and smile. I apply a final coat of red lipstick and give myself an all over glance. There ready. I look good. I feel good. Tonight is going to be great.

Polly and Ada are ready soon after me, both looking gorgeous. With all of us happy it's time, we step out the house onto the streets of Birmingham and get into the car. It's not a long ride to the garrison and we are there rather quickly. The closer we get there I notice the more noise I hear. As we pull up on the street I hear it clearly, jazz music playing, people laughing and singing. By just the sound alone you would know it's a party.

Getting out the car I look at Polly, she has a huge smile on her face. Slowly the three of us start to walk and we reach the doors of the garrison.

"Tonight's gonna be a good night girls" I hear Ada from next to me before she swings the doors open.

As soon as I enter and my feet hit the floor I have to take a moment to take in my surroundings. The new garrison looks phenomenal, so fancy and so gold. The entire place was gold and all the chairs red velvet. A jazz band are playing next to the dance floor where many couples are already dancing. I've never seen the garrison this busy before. Everyone I know is here. Looking to the bar I can see Arthur behind it giving out bottles of champagne, with a big smile on his face. He looks really happy tonight, I've not seen him this happy in a while.

Looking around the room I take in the sights and atmosphere of the place when I suddenly feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. Gasping I turn around shocked to see a laughing face behind me.

"Fucking John" I shout hitting him on the shoulder which gets Ada and Polly laughing.

"Some things never change" Polly laughs then directs us all to the table where Esme is already sat.

John finds his seat next to Esme and pulls out a bottle of whiskey "I must say you all look lovely."

"Aren't you a charmer" I joke taking a seat next to Ada.

Cracking open the bottle of whiskey conversation and drink flowed equally. Before I knew it the bottle is empty, I'm a little tipsy and Ada is pulling me up to dance.

Finding a rhythm to the music we start to dance in the middle of the floor. We twirl eachother shaking our hips and laughing like a bunch of children. I keep turning and twirling until I feel it. I feel like someone is watching me. Turning around once more I spot it. I could only take a quick glance but I spot it, I know those eyes. Swaying my hips in a new direction I turn both me and Ada around so I can face him. There he is, looking as good as ever and looking at me. Thomas Shelby.

Tommy is sat at a table, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I notice Lizzie is sat with him. Both of them are not talking and they're both looking at me. Why are they looking at me? They have never payed any attention to me, so why now? Both of them staring like this is making me nervous.

I focus back on my dancing trying to distant myself from the thought of them both looking at me. I spin Ada around as she does the same to me, as I turn around I see Lizzie. She doesn't look very happy as she walks out the garrison. I take a look at Tommy to see if something had happened but his eyes haven't moved from me at all. He's looking at me so intently it almost scares me. Every nerve in my body is telling me to look away but I can't. I continue swinging my hips but my eyes lay on him as his are on me.

Oh those eyes, those amazing bright blue eyes. The way he's looking at me, it's like he can see inside me soul. I've never experienced something so intense. This one look from him and my body is on fire. One look from him and I'd do anything he asked. This man, the man who with one stare has me completely at his will.

I snap myself out of my thoughts, I need a drink.

"I'm going to the bar" I shout to Ada over the music then walk to get a drink. As I reach the bar I notice I'm breathing heavy and feel hot. I order two whiskeys and wonder if Tommy is still watching me. Chancing another look, I see he's still there staring at me. Why is he doing this? I down one of my whiskeys hoping it will calm my nerves, then I see it. He's smirking at me. Thomas Shelby smirking at me. Maybe he knows the effect he has on me. Oh god I hope not.

Avoiding his gaze I take my whiskey and go and sit with Polly.

"Are you alright Hun? You look hot" she asks.

My cheeks heat even more "I'm out of breath from dancing" I lie which makes Polly laugh.

After some conversation I start to zone out, John, Esme and Polly continue talking while I just think. My mind wonders back to Tommy. I don't understand what's going on. He never pays attention to me and then tonight, the way he's looking at me. What's changed? And that smirk, I've never seen that before. The way his lips looked so desirable. The man is so unbelievably sexy. Crossing my legs I snap myself out of my thoughts and drink another whiskey.

A few bottles of whiskey and a lot of dancing later the night has flown by. Everybody else has gone and the only people left are me, Ada, Polly, Arthur, and Tommy. The band left so the only music playing is coming from a gramophone.

Even though it's late me and Ada are still dancing. Ada seems to be very drunk and stumbling while twirling around. As I shake my hips I hear a loud bang which I turn to see is Ada, she's on the floor laughing hysterically.

"Bloody hell Ada, how much have you had to drink?" I hear Arthur moan as he helps her up. I can't help but giggle as I continue to twirl.

Arthur picks Ada up in his arms and Polly grabs her things "come on you, let's get you home."

I keep dancing with closed eyes just focusing on moving my body to the music. After the song finishes I open my eyes to see only Tommy. The rest of them have gone. Tommy is sat down with a drink watching me. As I realize it's only me and him left I stop dancing and sit down at the table. Me and Tommy haven't been alone together in years, this is new. Looking up at him, he has poured us both a glass of whiskey and I reach for a cigarette. Almost instantly Tommy holds a lot match up to me. I slowly lean towards him lighting my cigarette while looking into his eyes. Just looking at him nerves travel through my body.

"The place looks great" I say taking a drag and trying to make conversation.

"You looked like you had a good time" he stated "you're a good dancer."

I drink the whiskey trying not to blush "I love to dance."

"You know I've not danced all night."

I gulp as he stands up Infront of me putting out his hand.

"Dance with me."

I take a moment to watch him shocked before putting out my cigarette and taking his hand.

Tommy leads me to the dance floor before putting one hand on the small of my back and mine in his other.

After a second, he slowly starts to move, pulling me closer to him. The dance is simple and slow. Tommy leads and I follow his movements. Turning us around slowly he then lifts up my arm and gets me to twirl. I couldn't help but laugh as he takes my hand again, "I don't believe I've ever seen you dance Mr Shelby."

"I am a man of many talents" he spoke turning is around.

"I'm sure you are" I smile.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm dancing with Tommy. I've never seen this side of him before. He's being so sweet.

Pulling me closer I feel Tommy's head in the crack of my neck. Every breath he takes I can feel, each almost sending shivers down my spine. Taking a deep breath I take in his scent as I feel his hand on my waist. He smells amazing. I've never noticed that before. It's like a mix of cigarettes, whiskey, smoke and pure Tommy Shelby. Can this man be anymore perfect?

As the song finishes I slowly pull away "I guess I should be getting home."

Tommy insisted he would drive me and the entire ride home made conversation. This is the most I've spoken to him in a long time. He asked about me and how I was doing and I asked about him and the company. As we arrive at my place I've had such a good time with him I don't want him to leave. "Thank you for driving me home."

"It was my pleasure" Tommy turns off the car, gets out and opens the car door for me.

"Thank you." Walking to my front door Tommy is right behind me. I get out my keys unlocking the door before turning to face home. "Thanks again for driving me home."

Tommy steps forward his arms wrapping around my waist, mine instantly wrap around his neck.

"Tommy I " before I could finish talking his lips are on mine.

His lips, which I thought would be tough are soft and plump. The kiss starts out soft, both of us getting used to each other before it depends. His tongue invading my mouth as a moan escapes my lips. Not wanting the kiss to end I pull Tommy into my house shutting the door. My back hits the wall as his hands find my hips, sighing into his mouth I tug on his hair.

My mouth finds he jaw as our hands fumble to take each others coats off. Once achieved my hands start undoing shirt buttons revealing his chest. Tommy's lips move lower sucking on the sensitive skin on my neck making me moan, "Tommy."

"Jump" he whispers heavily in my ear, I do exactly as he says wrapping my legs around his waist, my hands clawing at his chest. In this position I feel him. I can feel him growing hard underneath me, our clothes an unwanted barrier. My hips involentry rock back and forth the sensation making me want a sweet release. I hear Tommy groan biting my neck at the feeling, "where's your room?"

"Upstairs to the right."

With no hesitation Tommy carries me upstairs placing me on my bed before pulling away. "No Tommy I want you."

"Patience love" he smirks looking down at me "you have me." Leaning over me he rejoins his lips to mine. "Your'e wearing too many clothes" he breathes pulling away.

I'm now sat on the edge of the bed with Tommy on the floor between my legs. I feel his hands slowly stroking my thighs then higher and higher as he lifts off my dress. I don't know what it is but him undressing me like this feels so intimate, like he's finally seeing me after all these years. Throwing my dress to the floor he removes my shoes then lays me flat.

I can't see him but I can feel him. A kiss on my upper thigh makes me squirm.

"Stay still."

I do as I'm told and relax my body. Another kiss on my thigh has my senses heighten but I stay still following his instructions. Slowly he kisses down my leg bring my stocking with him. As he makes his way all the way down he removes my stocking before starting again on the other, only this time slower.

The feeling of him slowly undressing me, his mouth on my legs is magical. I close my eyes focusing on the feeling. As he finishes removing the last stocking my body ignites with anticipation. My legs are now completely bare and his hands wonder over the newly unclothed skin.

Lowering his head between my thighs I feel his breath against my underwear. "Tommy please" I gasp.

"You are so beautiful."

His breath hits my sensitive area making my nipple's harden. Sitting me up, Tommy's mouth is on mine again, his tongue taking over mine as I pull on his hair earning me a growl that makes my body clench. The kiss becomes more urgent as he takes off my bra throwing it to the floor.

"Lay back" he instructs standing up.

Groaning at the loss I do as he says laying back down, Tommy standing over me.

"My my what a beautiful sight."

I bite my lip at his words watching him look at every inch of my body. As Tommy looks over me he removes the rest of his clothes.

"So so beautiful."

A shocked gasp escapes my mouth as he removes his boxers leaving him completely naked. His erect penis at full attention. He's so big! This man could not get any more perfect if he tried. He's a masterpiece.

Tommy urgently returns his lips to mine as he lays on top of me, my hands exploring his back and arms. I feel him nudge my legs apart with his knee as he settles in-between them. The tip of his penis touching my clothed core.

I moan into the kiss at the sensation, his hands finding their way to my breast. Kissing down my jaw to my neck his mouth then latches on to one of my nipples. Tommy's mouth is sucking on one nipple as his fingers play with the other. He leaves no part of my breast ignored as his mouth and hands explore every inch of my sensitive skin.

Continuing to give me pleasure he removes the last of my underwear so I am completely naked beneath him. I can't believe I am naked underneath Thomas Shelby. The man I've always wanted and here he is giving me such pleasure. His hands don't move from my breasts as he starts to kiss over my stomach. Many emotions are filling my head, lust, joy, impatience and I feel quite vulnerable. Being in this position is so overwhelming I'm vulnerable to his every touch and would do anything he asks of me.

Slowly as he kisses sloppily lower down my stomach I feel him open my legs wider. He can see me, all of me. Just knowing he can see every crevasse of my body makes my heart race and pussy wet.

"Tommy please" I moan a little breathless. My need for him growing to a unbearable height.

"You're so wet for me" I hear him groan.

Biting my lip I run my hands through my hair trying to control my urges.

"I want a taste."

As soon as the words leave his mouth I am hit with a wave of pleasure. His mouth has attached itself to my clit licking and sucking on every nerve, a familiar throbbing taking over.

"Fuck" I moan my hands grabbing into his hair. The feeling of his mouth on me is indescribable. My hips involentry bucking at the pleasure "Tommy I need you, fuck me."

Tommy sits up, his mouth grazing mine, I can feel my wetness on his lips. "You want me to fuck you?" As the words leave his mouth. I feel the force of his two fingers enter me making me moan.

"Fuck yes."

He circles his fingers inside me the pleasure intense "with these?"

"No" I whimper trying to distant myself from the pleasure for a second. "With these" I moan grabbing his hardened cock.

Tommy shudders at my touch as I stroke him, his penis rock hard in my hand "please Tommy."

Removing his fingers from inside me he stops my hand from stroking him. My knees open wider as he sets himself in-between grabbing himself, "you want this?"

My hips buckle at his voice my pussy dripping wet "yes."

Laying his body on mine he kisses my lips. I want him so much. The kiss is full of urgency and need.

Moaning I feel his cock rub against my clit in circles. I break the kiss and look up at him and he at me. Its only a moment but we just look at eachother, almost taking eachother in before locking lips again.

Slowly I feel him sink into me, his lips silenting my screams. He feels so good inside me, almost heavenly. His big cock fills my full leaving no empty space.

Rocking his hips I feel every inch of him as he feels me wrapped around him. "You feel so good."

Knowing I'm giving Tommy pleasure turns me on more. Starting slow at first I can see his eyes scrunch up at the feeling of being inside me.

"Please Tommy deeper" I whimper in his ear wanting more of him if it was even possible.

"Fuck" he groans at the sound of my voice before thrusting into me at a breathtaking pace.

I wrap my legs around him and pull his body flat against me. The feeling of him is almost too much, the familiar pressure building up inside me. Bucking my hips to meet his every thrust he pins my wrists above my head leaving me unable to move, then continuing to pound into me mercilessly. I have no control or choice but to take every ounce of pleasure he is giving to me.

"Fuck Tommy" as his pace fastens I know I will definitely be bruised tomorrow. Each thrust has me closer and closer to the edge bringing tears to my eyes the pleasure that intense. It's like nothing I've ever felt. I never want this to end, I want to stay like this with him forever.

I feel my insides start to tighten and clench as Tommy goes deeper and faster.

"Cum for me."

I can't speak no words will leave my mouth, nothing but my moans and whimpers. I wrap my legs tighter around him not wanting to lose any part of this blissful feeling. A few more deep thrusts and my body begins to shake. I close my eyes tight shut and hold onto Tommy for dear life. In just a few seconds my orgasm rips through my body as I scream Tommy's name over and over.

Feeling my muscles clench around Tommy his thrust start to get sloppy and his cock starts to twitch. Two thrusts later his orgasm hits it's high and I feel him cum inside me.

Trying to catch our breath we both lay there still connected, both letting the other calm down after our highs. Silence fills the room, nothing is heard now except our deep breaths.

As we both com round I whimper as Tommy removes himself from me and lays back down.

"That was ..." I pant.

"Great?"

"Better" I smile laying my head on his chest " we should do it again sometime."

"Oh we will be."

I giggle as we both lay there starting to fall asleep. Tonight was the best night of my life, I've never felt this happy and content. We wrap our arms around eachother and close our eyes letting sleep take over our bodies.

I hope you liked it. As I said it was my first ever smut written so if you have any advice or feedback I would be so grateful if you message me. Thanks for reading.

[panlight]

Let's say that the Cullens get their massive wealth taken away by the Volturi. They all have to get actual jobs to buy clothes, maintain their houses, etc. What would each Cullen do? Who excels? What would Jasper do? Just be at home because he's too dangerous? Their physical ages would limit their possibilities, as well. Though there is online work now.

Carlisle would keep working as a doctor. 

It’s not really clear if Esme’s restoration stuff is a hobby, or a job, but I suppose it would be easy enough for her to make it a job if it isn’t already. Everyone thinks she’s so glam when she shows up at the work site with a huge sun hat and arm-length gloves, like a movie star, but it’s really about the sunlight.  She shows up at night to contribute to the project herself.  “Wait. . . was the bathroom done when we left yesterday?” “Didn’t think so, why?” “It’s done now???” She might also work as a substitute teacher, only accepting jobs on days that Alice says the weather will cooperate. Edward works at a hipster music store, selling used CDs and vinyl. He’s really great at reading someone’s mind and recommending music based on what he hears, but he can also be somewhat snooty and judgmental when they come in and ask for like, Nickelback or whatever. If the Volturi are involved than Alice probably can’t become a world famous fashion designer, so instead she opens a boutique, or maybe even a consignment store, where she sells all the clothes the Cullens don’t wear anymore and chats amicably with all the patrons. Jasper helps out, mostly in the back room, but occasionally ‘encourages’ people with his gift to be more likely to buy things.  Rosalie gets a job at a mechanic shop, and although she was originally only hired because some sexist old dude thought she could be the secretary, she’s basically running the place in a month and everyone exists in a state of terrified awe of her skill. I really love the idea of Emmett as a camp counselor or youth sports league coach, but sunlight could be an issue.  So maybe it’s more practical that he becomes a personal trainer at a gym. He doesn’t 100% know what he’s doing, exactly, since he’s not human and can’t really experience exercise the way his clients do, but he’s so jacked and so upbeat that he’s popular anyway, and he’s learning on the job how much a human can realistically lift, etc. Bella would work in a library or bookstore, generally the night shifts. 

[minnimari]

Enderal Character Ask – Fill it out yourself or reblog as is to use as an ask meme. Have fun! <3 So i start to work, but only in short answers :D ————————————— 1. The basics – name, age, etc… Her name is Mya Megles, 28 years young, female and quite normal.

2. Describe their appearance. I would say her hair is dark brown with little bit red. The red you can see in the sun.

3. How do they like to dress? She likes to wear trousers best and a linen shirt. Leather shoes not more. Yaaa.. its not special, but the most comfortable without armor. And dressesonly for nice occasions.

4. Do they have any markings (scars, tattoos, birthmarks)? Hehe.. a heroic scar on the face from a fight with a domestic cat ;D Big scar on the hip and a few small strokes through the birth of son.

5. What are they like? Describe their personality (use whatever tools you like- MBTI, D&D alignment, astrological signs, Hogwarts house, words/phrases): Ouw yes this ancient civilication. They call them starlings, i thing. So the stars are really beautiful, and plants, right. Astrology, Symbols and all this magic things.

6. How would they describe themselves? Mya is a little bit shy, but a happy person. She loves beautiful things such as sunsets, candles and flowery meadows. Just an almost typical woman. As far as trust in others is conserned, she is rather careful, because shes been hurt badly in the past.

7. Education level? On a scale from 1 to 10 she is a 7/8. Mya is a "Bookworm" and reads everything she can get her hands on.

8. What are they proud of in themselves? What are they embarrassed about? Proud? Rather happy to finally be able to decide for yourself about your own life. And possibly ashamed of being laughed at because of their height. Not to be taken seriously. As they are now by most in the Sun Temple ;D

9. Do they know any languages other than Inal? Only Inâl and native language.

10. What, if any, aspects of their mother’s culture influenced them growing up? Mother always sang songs about the old gods, no matter at what time. It always cheered her up. Mya´s forgotten many things in recent events :(

11. Name a song (or a few) that remind you of them. Almost all songs remind me of previous life with my family.

12. Speaking of songs, can they sing? What is their voice like? How about instruments? Mya can sing, but she doesn´t like singing in front of people. She´s got a deep voice for a woman. Hm.. She doesn´t know much about music, and she doesn´t play any instruments.

13. What was their life like before coming to Enderal? Before we noticed the real war, it was a nice quit life with son Kaleb and partner. Since he disappeared and mother died of a serious illnes and old age. She was lonely with son for short time until she met Sirius.

14. How did they decide to leave Nehrim? When Sirius opened Myas eyes to begin a new life. Kaleb (4) was too young to make this journey. With a heavy heart she placed him in a kind of monastery. The abbot knew her and her mother from befor. Now she doesn´t even know if Kaleb is still alive. Not a day goes by without thinking of him. The plan to go to another country came from Sirius. Different perspectives, different opportunities. He never told her how old he was. She suspected he was younger than she was. He had a lot of plans for the new life.

15. Describe their relationship with Sirius. Sirius will always remain Mya´s best friend, or like a brother. He was the only one she could trust after the thing with Kalebs father. Mother said she couldn´t sit in the house forever, she´s still young. So she made contacts with the outside world. They understood each other from the beginning.

16. Who do they blame for what happened to their family? Hmm... fate? The Nehrimese? Why must we always look for fault in others? Perhaps there were reasons for what happened.

17. Apart from stowing away, have they ever broken the law? On the run, Sirius and Mya stole to keep from starving. They couldn´t take much food with them on their journey.

18. How honest are they? Under what circumstances would they lie? She would only lie if the lives of the innocent were at stake. Better to be honest and hurt, than to be dishonest and have a bad conscience.

19. Worst memory(s)? Best memory(s)? Worst: mother on her deathbed with that whitegrey face. When she brought Kaleb to the monastery. Best: Mother always cooked and sang, and everyone laughed. Even Sirus was there. The birth of Kaleb. 20. Fight, or flight? Fight!

21. Describe their combat style. In short words: defensive and with full energy!

22. Have they ever killed before? What is their reaction to combat? She killed, yes. The blood is shocking at first. But it was easier to get through, when you were distracted.

23. How do they react to having magical abilities? Do they use them? Mya uses Restoration- spells after combat. Thats all she can take. She can´t handle potions. Fear of arcanistfever is very real. 24. What do they think of Enderal? Enderal is a beautiful country. Big Forests, great coastlines... The people are a little too much led by their trails. A little limited in their ability to think ahead. :D If she wanted to live in a place like this, it would be the Sunshine coast.

25. Did they do the Biggest Egg Hunt Ever quest? Of course! She got all the eggs Kurmai wanted.

26. How do they feel about joining the Order? What do they think of Arantheal? About the joining the Order, uh... it all happened very quickly. There was no time for Mya to get at least a little bit of information about it. She could have simply accepted smaller tasks, like Jespar. The life of a mercenary. A beautiful title. Myas opinion about Arantheal is very divided: He´s a nice guy, could be Myas grandfather. Strange was only that he put so much responsibility and trust in her. Apart from that she is a foreigner and has no idea. But she soon realized that he was selfish.. The opinions of his advisors were not important to him at all.

27. What is their opinion of the gods (or lack thereof)? The people of Enderal would be better off without the gods. They´d just ahve to learn to turn their own heads. That´s what it´s for. Each man should choose his own path, decide which vocation is best. A mayor or king would be quite sufficent for rules.

28. Wine, or pipe? Both! More wine, less pipe. Mya´s only weakness.

29. Do they spare or arrest Hallys, the farmer-turned-bandit in the quest, Deus Ex Machina? Why? Arrest him! He puts his own life before that of 100 poor people. The family should go to the food bank itself. If they´re not too proud.

30. What are their feelings and opinions about the Undercity? Mya´s disappointed about the undercity. The roads are destroyed. The "houses" aren´t even made of stone. It stinks everywhere. In the uppercity not a word is spoken about it. This is no life for a human being. If Mya could, and had the means, she would change so much. Not to see herself in a better light, but to prevent suffering. At least for the children or the sick.

31. How do they react to the beggars of Ark? When Mya sees a beggar, she supports him/her. Either with food or coins.

32. Where and how do they spend their time when in Ark? She´s home a lot. Sometimes in the dancing nomad with Jespar, when he has time. When Mya needs her rest, she also goes to Undercity in the Tavern.

33. What would they do with three wishes? Good Question. She would save them for important moments.

34. How do they feel about death? Do they fear it? Fear death? No, he´ll come one day anyway. Or if you´re not careful.

35. What (else) do they fear? Mya´s afraid of spiders. Big, hairy spiders... Fear of heights.

36. Do they have any secrets? Secrets, yes... Everyone has their secrets... :P

37. How is their behavior around people they like? People they dislike? If one of her loved ones needs help, she is there. But when she really likes someone, she shows it with little gestures and specific word. If she does not like someone at all, she tries to avoid them as much as possible. For example Natara.

38. What is their relationship with the companions? Who, if anyone, did your prophet romance? It´s difficult. Mya was initially very fascinated by Jespar. He is a good friend. Both have the same view of freedom and relationships. It is always an adventure to travel with him. He always has something to say. But Mya is not sure if she wants to start a romance with him.   As for Calia, besides Arantheal, she was the only person of the holy order who talked to her normally. She´s like a sister. Unfortunately, she is too devoted to her sacred duties. So spending time with her is very difficult. In herself a beautiful woman and very trustworthy, but not suitable for a romance. Now Esme: She doesn´t really know anything about Esme. She is a nice girl yes, but she is too attached to her partner. Esme and Mya finished a mission together, but when they finally met at the Tower, there was not much to talk about. The ways parted. Let us come to Tharael.. If Mya had never entered the arena, she never would have met him. In short words: He´s an asshole, but one with good intentions. Mya always wonderes if he had ever seen the uppercity. In all his conversations, everything he said referred to the Undercity, the father and the bad sides of the people. He definitely needs to relax. ;) Finally Dijam. A very strong personality, very dominant. The meeting with her were pleasant. But Mya can´t imagine spending a few days with her. Dijam is always convinced of her opinion, so Mya would never dare to speak her own mind. It would definitely lead to a fight. Currently, there is no Romance with Mya.

39. Was there any non-companion character that they were close to? That they particularly disliked? + Konstantin was an old unfriendly guy, but still quite cool. If Mya was interested in magic, he could be her mentor. She´s still wondering, was he like that in Nehrim? -Natara didn´t even knoe Mya and thougt she was going to be judged. Does she really think that Mya chose this path?

40. How do they feel about myrads? They are respectful animals. Loveable if domesticated, as the keeper said. Mya prefers the horse because of her fear of heights.

41. What dreams or ambitions did they have before coming to Enderal? What about afterwards? She never had big dreams. Just a simple life with her son.  Now her only dream is not to be alone and see Kaleb again. Maybe there are bigger dreams and Mya just doesn´t know it yet.

42. Do they like cities? Or do they prefer the country? Is there a region of Enderal that they like or dislike more than the others? It´s too loud in the city. Life in the country is much more relaxed. The suncoast was impressive from the beginning...

43. What do they do to lower their considerable stress? When Mya comes home after a mission, cooking something or meditating by the fireplace.

44. Describe their perfect day off. There are so many things you can do. Like take a bath in a water hole. Or lying on a flower meadow by the lake with a good book.

45. List three of their favorite things. Three things they hate? Her favourite things are her books. She likes listening to other people´s stories. Wine!.. hehe What she does not like are loud noises, ignorance and bad food :D

46. What’s in their pockets? Oh it varies from trip to trip. Myas diary is always with her. A few coins. Food. Everything you find interesting on a mission.

47. Pets? Mounts? Treasured possessions? A cat that always hides in the house. Then there is Hurricane the horse. Myas prized possessions are her books. Nothing about material things is more important to her.

48. How are their cooking skills? For regular food, Mya cooks very well. She learned that from her mother. She likes to bake things.

49. Do you consider any particular quest or side quest to be definitive for your prophet? Which one(s) and why? Every secondary task that involves making decisions is difficult for her.

50. How forgiving are they? For example, if they were yelled at in a brothel after searching high and low for this little sh*t, how would they react? Hm. It depends on what situation Mya´s in. If she sees a boy steal an apple, it´s her. But if she sees someone taking money from the poor. Then Mya´s not forgiven. (Hallys)

51. What do they think of the Veiled Woman? The first time, Mya thought she was in another dream. Whether she´s s ghost or a god, it doesn´t matter. When the veiled woman really plays a major role in this matter, why can´t she help? It will always be a mystery. She has no opinion for her. She doesn´t show herself enough.

52. If they had been a victim of one of the black stones, how would it have affected them? What would they have used its power to accomplish? Similar to little Rhyneus, she would have created a world as it was before. When everyone was alive and with her. Sirius, Mother, Kaleb,... In the end she would go crazy, because it´s all up to her wishes.

53. What was their reaction to the Black Guardian’s revelations? Do they accept or reject his offer? Even though it all sounds very lgical what the black guard says, she refused. The reason is: If he really comes out of that device/Goliath( How ever;)), the whole thing would start all over again. He would be a "god", yes. People would be subservient. And as it was depicted in the Star City, it would all happen again. Over and over.

54. How does their story end? With Mya, the story will never end. All solutions have good and bad sides. If she doesn´t start the purification and the construction of the beacon, everything is fine. All her loved ones stay alive.

55. Do they change over the course of the story? In what ways? No.

56. Anything else you’d like to share about them? At this moment, not no.

I am not a big writer but... enjoy it, please :D Big Thanks for @enderalappreciationblog

[vtheobscurial]

Fallen

The Fall of the Adrasteian Supreme

I have only slipped away into the next room

It started with a trickle. It wasn’t the kind of trickle that would leave you with a sense of relief at the end, at least not to the prying eyes that stood there as they witnessed the end of a life, a life that had been cursed with the most of unfortunate strings of events. It was never easy to reign completely a Coven of witches, witches that looked up at her with a glint of hope in their eyes as they stared back, believing wholehearted that she would be the one to change their outcome and protect them no matter the cause, leading her to make a pact with the demon from her early Supreme days. Her soul being the only thing he asked for and as awful as it sounded, Esme took the deal and sealed her own death warrant.

This was just another of those insistences. She used the remainder of her powers to protect the living members of her Adrasteian sisters. The city was in ruins, between Gatsby – the Bellona Supreme – and unspoken new threats Soteria had reached its limit, no longer fit as a haven but now served as Hell. Esmeralda watched in horror as everyone around her fell, victims to these threats and even the strongest witches and allies were no challenge. It was one of her darkest hours, unable to do anything useful. But there was hope. One trickle of hope left. Esme didn’t hesitate to muster any bit of strength she had left to cast a spell strong enough to create a powerful barrier to keep everyone that still held air in their lungs and a beating heart knowing what this meant for her own life but it didn’t matter because she knew that this was her only card left and if given the chance she would do it over again because it was just the kind of person that she was.

Rot now followed, the grim reaper slowly digging its nails deeper into her core with each morning she awoke, weaker and more disoriented though Esme always did her best to hide it from everyone, even her husband at the time who grew more distant for reasons still unknown to her but she knew it would only be a matter of time before he gave up on her just as the rest of them. There was only one person that was able to smell the death in her whom questioned it immediately, Draven. The first intense love and hate was reserved for the Hellhound that couldn’t bare the sight of her yet again slipping through his grasp, promised to yet another man that would never love her the way he loved her. He kept her company those few last days, never questioning or giving her a ‘no’ for an answer though he felt obligated to treat her with delicacy, she knew deep down that there was nothing else he would rather be doing than being there for her through it all. Never knowing just how close she was to the edge.

Esme never did tell anyone that her soul had been marked, always thinking that she had more time but now she found herself in the grasps of this very demon. The room was arranged just as any ordinary living room, a black sectional covered the back wall where a huge clock set in the center. A series of photographs spread evenly along the wall, photos of a family; two girls, a mother and a father and they all seemed so happy with their even smiles. The hardwood flooring still held its beauty though it carried many years of abuse with dragged marks from tiny wheels rolling on the wood and now the home was filled with laughter from the past. The red curtains draped with odd patterns, none which she could interrupt then and sure as hell not now but her mother loved them so everyone just let them continue to hang. Esme’s childhood home, where she was birthed and raised. It was the home that held many good memories. Though after the death of her family Esme couldn’t bear spending another minute in that home which had lost the coziness, the safety she held as she walked each room in bare feet had vanished so one day she locked the door behind her and never looked back. One of the hardest things she had ever had to do but torturing herself with memories of them would have been the death of her.

Milo stood with her, he had promised that everything would be okay now, that him and Davide had struck another deal and as much as she wanted to believe that it was true, something felt so very wrong. Her instincts had spiked and she couldn’t shake that feeling.

“What deal have you and Davide agreed with?” She asked Milo, there was no muse in her words as she did her best to hide the fear brewing inside of her.

“Don’t worry about that babe, he won’t be hurting you anymore.” Milo replied with confidence in his tone, never a moment where his words quivered with doubt and it was one thing that Esme absolutely loved about this man. Always optimistic and looking at the bright things in life.

Esme reached out for him, resting her weak hands on either side of his cheeks that were covered in the gruff of beautiful blonde hair. “Pl-Please tell me that you haven’t offered your soul,” her voice broke, a deep sorrow in her heart as she spoke those words. “I won’t allow that.” Her eyes held a shine, glistened from the tears that had built up, clouding her vision and the only way to make them go away was to blink and let them fall but a blink would mean that she would miss a fraction of a second as she watched Milo and it was something that she didn’t want to do.

“I promise that wasn’t the deal, he won’t be taking my soul.” He stood straighter as his eyes flickered to the side for a moment as he replied and then back at Esme. She knew him enough to know that he was hiding something because he never had it in him to look her in the eye when he couldn’t allow himself to tell her a lie, when he was holding information.

In the background Davide set on the sectional, arms spread out and making himself quite the cozy Demon. The crooked smile that curved his lips held a menace to them, eyes full of hate yet amused by the conversation that he was allowing for them to carry on. A woman stood to his left, hands entwined behind her back and watching the couple from across the room. Her eyes never blinked and her plain expression never changed, never moved except the movement of her chest as she took in breaths. Esme had never seen her but by the looks of it she knew that this woman was important to Davide otherwise he wouldn’t be conducting business with anyone by his side, perhaps he grew wary of Esme and her unstable fire? No, Davide lacked the ability to fear anyone, that much was clear.

“Enough.” Davide spoke out, his voice roared and the room felt its tremble but it took a moment for Esme to realize that it was her that trembled. Though she hated to admit it, Davide terrified her because he was the only one that held her life on the balance at this exact moment, he could completely wipe her from the face of the earth and take her soul to Hell with a snap of his fingers. Anyone that wasn’t afraid of that had no sense of death and the unknown, lucky them.

He raised to his feet and for the very first time since their arrival the brunette beauty next to him moved, now standing behind him but her expression still potently piercing. There was an odd feeling radiating from her and not the kind to make anyone curious but the kind of feeling that would make just about anyone coward in a corner. Even as weak as Esme was at this exact instant she knew the nameless woman wasn’t anyone she would want to go up against, it would be suicidal to do so.

“You’re deal has been accepted.” When he spoke he only directed to Milo, Esme at this point was completely invisible to the Demon. “Esme will be healed, completely.”

A sigh of relieve left Milo’s lips, there were no words left in Esme to know how she felt just now. Milo took Esme in his arms, wrapping her and holding her tightly against his body as his devilish smile became more angelic. He had found a way to save her even when it wasn’t his responsibility, he managed to surprise her once more and all she could do was hold him back and let those pesky tears have their way as they left a streak of wetness behind.

“I told you that I would save you babe.” He said as he kissed the top of her head.

Esme was still speechless and the only thing she could manage was sob and in-between tears whisper a ‘I love you’.

“I ask that you step away from her now.” The unknown woman finally spoke. If the feeling being around her wasn’t odd enough, her voice brought chills to Esme, the most eerie of tones but if she would be aiding Davide in the healing of her, Esme wouldn’t question what the hell she was. Davide stood in his spot, arms rested against his chest as he crossed them and gave the woman a nod to continue.

Milo had a puzzled expression on his face but Esme nodded at him, letting him know that it would be okay to do as she asked and so without question he moved further. The woman made her way towards Esme and when she was close enough she reached into her own black suit jacket and removed a small bag; the contents weren’t exposed and this made Esme wary.

“What is that?” Esme asked with a furrow of her brow, backing away from the woman some.

“It’s your life line, sweetheart.” Sweetheart was said with a hiss, definitely no good feeling behind it, not really meaning it. “Now stay still so that I can cure you from this rotting.”

Esme nodded, no words needed for exchange. She didn’t move when the woman got even closer to her, close enough to be able to smell the soft perfume that lingered on her skin. Close enough to smell her breath yet nothing there to actually smell. Close enough to see the wrinkles that formed at each side of the woman’s eyes; swirls of a light shade of brown but they held no true life to them. A witch forced to bid the Demon’s work, that much Esme suspected. The woman poured the contents of the bag in her hand, black powder but there was a sparkle to the dust and Esme couldn’t stop staring at it as she was further struck into curiosity. The woman brought the hand to her lips and blew, the particles reaching Esme’s nostrils and with each breath she took the sweeter and intoxicating the smell became. And before Esme knew it her back was against the wall as she felt the waves of the dust coursing through her, a euphoric sensation washing over her. Her body was gaining its strength, the strength she remembered and had before she casted the spell that condemned her. Quickly she noticed that she didn’t feel as tired as she was just a few moments ago, her skin smooth as her body gained a fuller appeal. Her body didn’t hurt anymore, all the pain had vanished and if she wasn’t so enticed on the changes happening in her body she would jump in the air from the excitement.

“There.” The woman spoke again. “You’re all healed up.”

And so, Esme was. She felt alive. And it should’ve been one of the happiest moments of her life, she was healed and it meant that she could continue her life with Milo but she wasn’t so lucky. The Adrasteian Supreme was never lucky enough to have one thing go as planned, her life was full of unpredictable outcomes and this event wasn’t any different then those in her past.

With a wave of Davide’s hand, Milo was pinned to the wall and Esme snapped her head in horror as she watched. The need to fight grew strong but her body wasn’t moving and though she was screaming on the inside her mouth made no attempt to move and vocalize her horror, her pain.

Then it was her turn to be pinned against the wall, her head hitting the wall and bouncing off. It started with a trickle. It wasn’t the kind of trickle that you would hope for, it was the trickle of her hot blood escaping through the crack in her skull. Esme felt disoriented but not enough to forget that Davide and this woman had betrayed them and as much as she wanted to fight back, she couldn’t, her body completely immobilized.

How terrible to know this would be the end of your life and literally not being able to move, not even make a fucking peep!

Would it be painless? She thought to herself.

No. That was a stupid question. The woman reached her hand into the pit of Esme’s chest, tore through flesh and bone as if it were nothing, just like reaching inside a bag as her hands began to seek something. The pain was one of the worst feelings in the world that Esme had ever endured, physical pain anyway. The hand on the clock began to slow down, the ticking of the clock loud in her ears. Her breathing loud and the beating of her heart pulsed hard enough to pound from her chest to her head and it nauseated her. She wanted to make it all stop; the pounding was making her dizzy but it wasn’t truly the pounding that was making her feel sick. It was the woman as she found what she was searching for. She held Esme’s heart in her small hands, they were cold, so very cold. Esme’s body was growing colder as the woman squeezed her heart, tighter and tighter.

The look on the woman’s face was horrifying, she was enjoying this, the killing of another being but Esme didn’t want to go out with that image in her mind. It would haunt her to the afterlife if she allowed herself to only look at her just a second longer. So, her eyes roamed, searching for Milo. When they landed on him they glued themselves to him, wanting to take in every bit of him but it wasn’t until she saw the excruciating pain in his eyes that the gravity of hit her, she would die today but he would live on hating himself knowing that he trusted a Demon that shouldn’t had been trusted to begin with. That he really believed that he was saving her only to have it snatched from him in mere seconds from achieving it. The tears in her eyes welled and stung as they escaped knowing that she wouldn’t be able to save him from this experience.

Esme’s vision was distorting, darkening as they began to make their fade. Her body colder than she ever had been. It was this moment that she came to acceptance and that perhaps dying wouldn’t be such a bad thing, maybe she would be reunited with her family.

In that split second, she heard everything. Milo’s pleas, Davide’s snarl at Milo’s begging and the beating of her heart that was no longer in her chest as it was meant to be.

3…2…1… and a gasp escaped between her lips…

Esme is one of my precious beans, she has done a lot of suffering and this was her final scene as the person who she used to be. It was an extremely emotional piece because not only do I love her, but she was the first character I ever created.

[morelike-bi-light]

@xxmultiangela Absolutely! That makes sense - I definitely should've expanded more on that, and been more deliberate with my wording. Thank you for replying so nicely too - I really appreciate it. Writing the original post, I was concerned primarily with staying on topic, so I threw that line in as a sort of placeholder, like with Sam, since I didn’t have the energy or space to explain in depth. Now that you’ve made the mistake of giving me a reason to blather on about it again, however, it’s a different story! Thanks for reminding me btw!

Here’s what I should’ve said: from my own reading, Smeyer writes Emily less as a character than as a narrative device that serves story mechanics that are likely unintentionally, but idc upholding racist and misogynist ideas. Within the canon text, her backstory and characterization is limited to her relationships with Sam, Leah, the pack, and the tribe. We aren’t told anything else much about her, past these connections to more relevant characters which is strange seeing as how she, like Bella, is the lone human in a supernatural family. Now, this is a problem a lot of authors deal with and isn’t always -ism related necessarily, but it is far more common for characters of color/female characters/LGBT+ characters/disabled characters/etc.

Still, even in Twilight, this isn’t specific to Emily. We see something similar in Esme. In both cases, they are represented as the "good victim". Unfortunately, the typical good vs bad victim for domestic abuse isn’t touched upon on the tvtropes page, but it’s pretty easy to cobble together an idea in this case from the way Smeyer frames Esme and Emily in comparison to Rosalie and Leah (who are both ‘bad victims’ of a different scale and type of mistreatment - I think I could easily write multiple essays on this topic).

According to Smeyer, a “good” domestic abuse victim:

responds passively, even receptively, to the abuse. Esme stays with Charles for years. Emily chooses to accept Sam after he mauls her face.

is willing to suffer and forgive due to community-related circumstances. Esme accepted Charles to please her parents and endured his treatment because her family “urged her to keep quiet”. Emily has to forgive Sam and lie about his actions because, beyond the role of magic in their relationship, telling the truth would also put the pack/tribe in jeopardy.

rejects/denies the man who abuses her for the sake of others, esp. her family. Esme only chooses to leave Charles because she is impregnated and staying with him would endanger their safety. Emily initially rejects and hides from Sam because of the pain it would cause Leah.

isn’t responsible for the circumstances leading to a relationship between her and her abuser, and would not have chosen to be with her abuser if not for these circumstances. Esme marries Charles for the sake of her family, written with no romantic interest in him, or in fact any other man besides her soulmate, Carlisle. Emily dates a few other boys casually as a teenager and yet shows exactly no interest in her cousin’s boyfriend, until after Sam has imprinted, pursued her relentlessly, and assaulted her.

is feminine, nonthreatening, and a natural caretaker. Esme automatically assumes a maternal role to Edward and later the rest of the coven. She is described as warm, gentle, and kind. Emily explicitly takes on the position of ‘pack mom’, spending the majority of the time we see her housing, cleaning up after, clothing, chiding, baking for and feeding the pack.

retains a more submissive role in her relationship with her ‘true love’, who holds some sort of power over her. Esme’s soulmate, Carlisle, is her sire. Less importantly, he is centuries older, and first met her when she was a minor. Emily’s soulmate, Sam, is a shapeshifter alpha, and she is not. If he wanted to hurt her, either with his supernatural strength, his wolf form or through the pack, she would be in no position to stop him.

As ‘good’ victims, Emily and Esme are introduced and continually framed by their good qualities and the good things they do for their loved ones, in contrast to Rosalie and Leah who, even when having their trauma explained, are framed by their mistakes and their disagreement w Bella. Ultimately, this sort of character work contributes to misleading and harmful stereotypes about female domestic abuse victims, as well as more generally the madonna/whore binary.

Despite all of these similarities between Emily and Esme, there are differences in: a. the way the abuse they suffer and the abuser who inflicts it is portrayed, and b. the ending they get. This difference is tied narratively into the difference between vampires and shapeshifters, which is intrinsically linked to race. If you’re native, you’re with the shapeshifters. You run with vampires if you’re non-native, specifically the ‘best’ vampires if you’re white. (How vampires of colors in the text are ‘othered’ is a whole other topic for a whole other post.)

Now, as a white person, I have a lot less authority in regards to how race is portrayed in speculative fiction as opposed to sexism, but it’s pretty obvious, and well understood by the majority of the fan community I run with that Twilight is pretty toxic in its handling of native vs non-native (specifically white) characters, so I’ll tackle this as best I can.

The relationship between Sam and Emily is the most important aspect of this. Sam is done just as dirty in this regard, but since we’re looking specifically at how Smeyer failed Emily, it’s important to understand what Sam represents specifically to Emily. Imprinting is intended to be read as fate’s way of correcting of the character’s hearts. An imprint may be inconvenient, even inappropriate, but according to Smeyer, if you’re a good person then morality, happiness, and obedience to fate/God are ultimately conflated. Thus, Sam’s relentless and aggressive pursuit of Emily is portrayed as tragic, but also romantic, and more importantly, necessary. Emily’s initial refusal is to be read as understandable, honorable even, proof of just how selfless she is. 

But ultimately, she is supposed to be with Sam, even if she’s uncomfortable with that. She is supposed to be happy in this specific way, and if she doesn’t accept him, if she prioritizes freedom and sisterhood over Sam’s feelings, if she points out the hypocrisy in Sam’s entitlement to her feelings, then she will get hurt, and if she tries to escape him and his feelings, she will not be happy - even if he does hurt her. Which is why she doesn’t - she learns her lesson. She’s a ‘good victim’ and if the victim and the abuser are meant to be, then the ‘good victim’ chooses to stay. If the ‘good victim’ did something to make their abuser hit them, then they reflect and learn better than to do that thing again. If the abuser is right, the ‘good victim’ gives in.

So what does this have to do with race? Well, here’s the thing. Rosalie and Esme both suffer abuse from love interests at some point in their backstory, but neither of them end up with their abuser, regardless of whether they’re a good or bad victim. Leah, although she isn’t physically abused, is emotionally abused and violated by the pack, lead by Sam, but like Emily, her journey culminates in her begrudgingly learning to bury the pain, stop resisting fate, and change herself where there is chafing against the natural order. 

Now, I'm not saying that every relationship with a happy ending has to be completely drama-free or healthy in every way. My favorite Twilight ship is Victoria/Leah, and hell knows that as cute as it would be, there's no way on the planet that everything would go smoothly for those two. However, I think it's pretty problematic that the only romantic relationship between two living native characters of the same age in the series officially launches with a violent supernatural assault resulting in facial scarring and a short coma. And not only that, the abuse is tied to the man's heritage - he attacks her on instinct, in a way that is specifically tied to native heritage. That's not drama or depth - that's a statement, intended or otherwise. Violence against native women is not appropriate material for drama, especially if it's coded as 'fated', 'natural', or 'necessary'.

Again, I don’t really think that Smeyer understood all this when she decided to write Emily Young into the series. Emily largely seems to exist for the same reason that Quil’s imprint does - to illustrate and familiarize the reader with the concept of imprinting so that later, when Jacob imprints on Rename, we already know what’s going on. She exists for the same reason that Crookshanks does in Harry Potter - she’s a planted lead to a more important plot twist. She is also one of two native women who get direct interaction and dialogue with perspective characters in more than one book. And the other female character serves a similar purpose, but reversed - Leah is the flipside to imprinting, an illustration of what it means to give in to a fate that’s unfair to you because it’s how things are supposed to be and refusing to play along is selfish. It all comes back to this very organized-religion idea of love, fate, and trust in/obedience to God which is at the center of Smeyer's works. But the intention doesn't have to exist for Smeyer's problematic perception of the world and people in it to get built into the narrative in fundamentally damaging ways.

Okay, so this is starting to get stupidly long, and also, at some point Tumblr erased a whole two paragraphs of written analysis that I am not entirely sure can be rewritten, so I think I'll finish here. I hope I explained in detail enough? There's like, a million other things that could be covered or discussed, but I am by no means an expert on, uh, anything. This is just a lengthy explanation of my personal, little-researched perspective on the canon material, but I had a lot of fun expanding on it, and it got me excited to work some more on the post about the potential of Sam as a foil to Carlisle. I hope this is somehow legible lol, and thanks for replying! 😊

As much as I love our meme culture where we romanticize or slam our favs, I do genuinely think there's really interesting flaws to explore with all of the Twilight vampires. It's not developed super well in the series, not front and center since whether we see main characters make mistakes with consequences largely depends on how Meyers personally feels about them and what they represent to her, but the complexity exists and there's a whole heap of potential to explore.

Like Carlisle's need to 'save' and how it conflicts with itself. There's that post that points out exactly how selfish his decision was, seeing as how he views vampirism as damnation, and yes! That makes it so much more interesting. What would he be without this conflict? A pretty one dimensional saint figure with a million PhDs. I love that Carlisle spent hundreds of years denying himself company and then crumbled beneath a single Chicago mother's plea to save her son, in my mind as an excuse to soothe his own crippling loneliness. And then when he had someone to exist beside, he just... he did it again, ostensibly because Esme deserved better. And again, this time for Edward. Then he did it for Rose. And then they picked up Alice and Jasper, and I wonder if he felt that much more guilty knowing that if he'd just waited a decade or so more, he might've found family anyways without having to 'damn' the others. Exploring how that interacts with his religious beliefs? Sign me up.

Then there's Rosalie's resentment. It's been covered in much better depth by other users, and I think I've reblogged those posts, but the validity of her anger and fear of losing the only things that give her comfort in a life she never chose bears repeating. Not to mention how this possibly affects her relationship with her coven - it's like when your child or spouse or sibling or best friend who has depression. How do you interact with a loved one who wishes they were dead? Who thinks life, even with you, whom they claim to love, is a prison? How do you interact with the man you believe to be your soulmate when you genuinely believe that you would be better off having died before meeting him? What does it say about her sense of self prior to death versus as an immortal?

Which leads perfectly into Edward's self-flagellation. He murders and feeds, because he's a monster who deserves to feel like one - but he's not the only one who suffers from that (though we give him some points for understanding that from the get-go and targeting people he thinks deserve it). But then he feels bad for acting like a monster and he has another reason to punish himself. He deprives himself of joy and distances himself from his family because how dare a monster like he ever find comfort in others like him, and how dare he enjoy a life that's so unnatural - but his family suffers alongside him. But then he feels guilty for being a dick to them, which gives him another reason to punish himself. He sends Bella mixed signals by alternating between caring, coldness, and cruelty, because he wants her to be happy but he also doesn't want himself to be happy - but Bella suffers because of this. Then he feels guilty about putting her safety at risk, which gives him another reason to punish himself. It goes on and on, and this line of thinking hinders his growth as a character through the entire series without being properly addressed.

Bella's bull-headedness. Jasper's survivalism. There is so, so much to be said here. Even with the three least developed of the coven, Alice has her impulsivity, Esme has her passivity, Emmett has his impatience.

On the flip side, we have the native characters, who are all either poorly developed or most characterized through off hand, arm's-length negativity, so as to make the vamps look better, and all I want for them is more content exploring all the good they have to offer.

Like, Jake's defining quality is his loyalty - Smeyer may have butchered his character, but I'm not talking about the bullshit she had him do in the last two books. I want to see more exploring how warm and good and patient and generous he is with his friends, no matter what it is he's up against, be it social conflict or an emotional crisis. I mean, in the books, we only ever get to see him really care about Bella. What about Embry and Quil? There's an entire foundation to their friendship that's hardly brushed by canon. I want to see his loyalty to his father and sisters and the memory of his mother. IT is interesting when loyalties conflict, preferably with greater nuance and weight than the Uley vs Cullen dilemma, but what's more satisfying is getting to see Jacob act in his element. I wanna see his other good traits explored too, the ones that exist outside of the necessity that he be a good friend/alternate LI for Bella - like the passion he has and his down to earth attitude.

And don't get me started on the Uley pack. Sam himself had so much potential to be a nuanced foil to Carlisle - I'm going to need to make an entire other post on it, it gets me so worked up, so keep an eye out for that! But also there's Paul, who is literally just an angry caricature version of Emmett, Emily whose entire characterization is built on a mess of racist and sexist tropes, and how many of the others even get characterized at all?

And Leah. Was she done the dirtiest of not only all the native characters, but also all the females? Arguably, yeah. I'd say so. Again, there was so, so much potential to explore her even in subtle ways through the later narrative and literally next to none of it was fulfilled. By the end of Breaking Dawn I was genuinely irritated, even as a kid, because it felt like Leah had been pointed out time and time again as being so special - only important native woman, only pack member to have been ostracized through the entire series, and the only female werewolf, hello - only for none of it to be relevant literally at all to the major plot. There wasn't even any follow up. Why is she the first female wolf? What does that mean for the future of the shapeshifters? (I'm absolutely thinking about this for my - probably shorter than planned - fic, jsyk.)

Thank God for Seth, I guess. We all love Seth, but still I think even he is basically just a puppy's personality given human form. It's as if Smeyer thinks that complexity is counter blank to goodness, friendliness, and openness. (And I think this is an issue with Emmett, Alice, Esme, and Angela, too, to be fair. It's just that where those four are just Defined by a trait - boisterous, fun, gentle, and nice in turn - Seth's behavior specifically plays into a... cutesy... paternalism? That makes me narrow my eyes a bit.) Anyways, I wouldve liked to see his feelings about Charlie and Sue, or about his sister's transformation and his father's death, or uh, any of the violence against the newborns many of whom were literally his age from Eclipse? And not just in an, oh, sad boy is sad kind of way. He's not a care bear - there's gotta be some conflict about what he's been through seeing as it's a LOT.

To be real, though? In some ways, I'm actually okay with it that Smeyer dropped the ball on so many of her characters, while still giving us what we have to work with - largely because it's actually so cool to think about all the potential buried in the content we have, waiting to be unearthed. It's why, regardless of when or why it started and how long it should've lasted, I don't see myself exiting the Twilight fandom for a long time. There's so much work to be done, you know, stuff to be said, and I think it's been and is and will be a beautiful conversation. This was just meant to be a long meta, but really, I have to take a moment and celebrate everyone in the fandom who has kept it alive and funny and interesting, whether you're a staple like @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen and @shittytwilightaus or you're just here to reblog and enjoy. We all sort of rediscovered this thing we liked in our childhood and just collectively decided to fix it and make it something worth loving as the people we are, and it makes me proud to be here!

[jessicanjpa]

How do you think those two years when it was just Carlisle, Esme, Edward, and Rosalie went? I've seen the text post that is that its full of angst, but do you have any headcanons on that time period before Emmett?

I definitely agree that 1933-1935 was a tough, awkward period for all of them.  Rosalie was dealing with the double trauma of what happened to her that last night and this new non-life that she doesn’t want.  She was beginning to love her new family and had chosen to be a part of that family, but a good portion of the time she took her frustration out on them.  It was partially because they were the only available scapegoats, but she also had a pretty significant problem with each of them.  

She’ll be eternally annoyed with Edward (and hurt) for those first dismissive words she heard him speak, during her transformation, and for not responding to her beauty the way she expected him to.  She was upset (to put it mildly) with Carlisle for playing God with her life and condemning her to this non-life.  And while she ached to accept Esme’s mother-love, she also struggled with the fact that Esme was the quintessential Cheerful Housewife, who thought her husband was the best thing since sliced bread and answered every other question with “I don’t know, darling, let’s ask Carlisle!”  It wasn’t exactly what Rosalie needed at the time; it was a reminder of the Vera Ideal.  And while she was accustomed to a patriarchal family/social system, that was absolutely not what she needed at the time, considering what she had just been through.

The others were struggling as well.  Carlisle was wracked with guilt because of how unhappy she was. And we’ll never know how much of his decision to change her was because of his hope that she and Edward would get together, so I think there was some guilt over that too. Esme worked so hard to keep everyone happy and getting along, and it just wasn’t happening.  Edward honestly tried (sometimes) to help Rosalie get settled, but he and Rosalie had that classic oil-and-water thing going, mainly because they were so similar.  And it was really hard for him to relive Rosalie’s memories along with her, especially considering his recent return from his rebellious years. Also, in my headcanon, Edward had considered killing Royce (both before and after Rosalie was assaulted), so his guilt over that (guilt for wanting to, but also for not doing it) set off a whole other round of angst, which didn’t help matters.

But it wasn’t all bad. Rosalie did bond with Esme, especially once Esme told her the whole story about Charles and the baby.  Despite her anger at Carlisle, Rosalie did understand his good intentions and gave him credit for that, sometimes.  Her kindest gesture toward him in those first two years was asking him to teach her how to drive.  She and Edward did have some good times, bonding especially over the advent of swing music (they were avid listeners of Let’s Dance when it was on the radio, and danced together pretty often).  In my headcanon it was Edward who inadvertently got her into automechanics, though she surpassed his skill in like, two days. Rosalie knew, despite her limitations, that she was much freer as a vampire, in a way, than she ever would have been as a woman coming of age in 1933.

But then something would happen. A baby’s smile, or something in the newspaper about a gala, or a sweet moment between Carlisle and Esme- and it would all go downhill.  She would turn and accuse Carlisle all over again.  Edward would snap at her because of her thoughts.  She would push Esme away again.  Another mirror would get broken.  She would spend two days out in the Appalachian mountains and they would wonder if this was the time she wasn’t going to come back.

And there was always that huge elephant in the room- She! And! Edward! Are! Both! Single!  It was hardly ever talked about, but not a day went by that it wasn’t weird. Esme hoped for it (though hopefully she didn’t push for it).  Carlisle felt guilty about it.  Edward was indignant about it.  Rosalie was confused and angry because she thought, after all she had been through, that she still shouldn’t long for love this way, and yet she did.  It would be a lie to say that Rosalie and Edward never considered trying, especially when they danced.  But they never felt anything other than brother/sister love for each other, and it just made both of them unhappier, Rosalie especially.

Those problems didn’t necessarily go away once Emmett hit the scene  (and I HC a huge blowout between Rosalie and Edward years later, when she finally learned about why Carlisle had changed her).  But Emmett has been such a godsend to this family because of the joy he brought Rosalie, and how that did solve some of the angst and awkwardness between everyone.  And of course he’s just a joy in and of himself. The Cullens needed him so badly.

(See more of my ‘33-’35 headcanons in these fics: Tale of Years 1933, Tale of Years 1935, and also The Girl In the Mirror (newborn Rosalie one-shot).  And for a happier one, The Girl in My Arms (Rosalie and Emmett’s first date in public.)