#the only downside is that I'm now super behind in shows

[storm-demon]

almost done w totk and even tho i can't give thoughts on the final boss yet I wanna talk about what I thought

spoilers under cut

I don't think I've been more mixed on a game in a long time, this game has done things better than botw, but it's also made a lot of confusing choices and messed certain things up that I didn't have any issue with before. I'll maybe repeat myself a little here but I wanna start w the positives

-- The sky islands are a great addition that really make the paraglider feel important and more engaging than botw. The one downside that i've started to feel as I've gone on is that I really wish that they had expanded them, it kinda sucks how many of them are just isolated way out in the middle of nowhere with no interesting interactions.

-- Weapon fusing is a great addition that makes the weapon durability less intrusive (I already didn't even mind it too much in botw, but the ability to actually make weapons definitely makes the durability make more sense). Again only downside i felt as I went on is that there are times that the crafting can make the game a little grindy, I think this would really be balanced out if they'd just add a few more chests or drops with already decent fused weapons.

-- The new enemies, honestly botw really felt like it needed a little more diversity in it's enemy pool, so thank god totk takes steps to fix that. I think it could still use a few more, but the addition of things like actual miniboss fights like the gleekos and frox do help mix it up.

That's kinda the extent of the really positive stuff, a lot also just keeps the same quality of botw, which I like well enough. But now the things I didn't like, and I'll say now, there's quite a few of these.

-- They really fucked either the timing or the positioning of the perfect dodge from botw. It's not only way harder to do, but also a bit buggy because of it. I've had multiple instances of jumping out of the way of an attack only for an invisible aftershock to hit me. It also really brings to light a big issue with this game that there are just no i frames when dodging. This wasn't as noticible in botw because the parry dodge was decently easy to learn and get used to, but now with it near impossible to do it really goes to show how behind this game is compared to other character action games. I just wish that if nintendo wants to make a game like this, that they'd take the time to really learn from and understand games of this genre. Souls born games, for example, have i frames for a reason, and balance out their difficulty using things like your stamina meter and fast paced attack patterns. Hell these games already have a stamina feature, would it really be too hard to implement something like that?

-- The removal of the bomb ability also just,,, sucks. It makes fights like the molduga basically a waste of resources and time. Not to mention it makes breaking down rocks a constant resource sink, speaking of which

-- Why are there so many damn caves filled with rocks???? Not even really trying to 100% this game at all I ran into like 20 of them, they're an annoying resource sink, and the reward at the end is hardly ever worth it.

-- The depths suck. I'm sorry, but they're nowhere near as engaging as the sky layer when it comes to getting around, the darkness is just an annoyance, and a surprising amount of copy and paste landscape. I was also super disappointed to find that gloom resistance just... doesn't work. Made me instantly hate everything to do w the gloom.

-- Also on that not really not a fan of the gloom hands/phantom ganon. This kinda just exemplifies a bigger problem with this game, the lack of almost any i frames in this game makes the gloom hands just a constant stunlock. Every single guide I've looked at just suggests you cheese the fight by standing up on a ledge and shooting fire arrows at it. I think it's a sign of a really bad design when the way only/main suggested way to win a fight is to completely ignore the mechanics and cheese it. Not to mention it doesn't seem like the difficulty of the gloom hands is intentional because, honestly, the phantom ganon fight is not that hard at all. Hell the phantom ganon fight is honestly kinda laughable compared to the gloom hands, it's super unsatisfying and nearly ruined my opinion of the game entirely a few times.

--Lastly, and I hate to say it, I'm running into the exact same issue I had w botw that is the silver enemies. I was honestly really hoping with the introduction of actual mini bosses that we'd just drop these, but no such luck I guess. My main issue with the silver enemies is that in the point of the game that they show up they're not even really uniquely challenging, and they really just serve as hp sponges. My worst experience in botw was fighting a silver lynel, surviving pretty well, and getting off plently of perfect dodges, and then losing the fight simply because I smashed every single weapon i had on it's face. This is sliiiiightly better with the weapon crafting in this game, but really, not by much. I was talking abt this w my gf earlier but enemies like the darknuts were good examples of late game fights because the fight was a unique test of your skills, the silver enemies are annoying because it's just the same enemies i've been fighting the entire game, just stuffed with about 10 times as much hp. It's such a disappointing way to cap this game off, just the same way as botw

-- Almost forgot, but also having to walk up to a sage and talk to them with the A button is a really annoying way to use that. I know we're already using basically every button for this game, but certainly there was a better solution than that.

I think I'll avoid actually talking about the story until I finish the game, on a post of it's own, but before i finish off I think i wanna just rank all of the temple in the game

-- Wind temple

Great one to start with, was really fun to climb up to the temple, really got me used to using the ascend power and just made good use of the zonai powers in general. Not a super hard temple but that's fine honestly, especially because the boss fight here is easily the best. 8/10

-- Fire temple

Instantly falling from the first one (haha) it's unquestionable the worst, not just in this game, but maybe the worst temple I've played in any zelda game. The dungeon is SO incredibly tedious and slow, it takes forever just get around the damn thing, with the only real use of zonai powers being riding the minecarts on set tracks. Also using the hydrants I suppose (which also does not help the sluggishness of the dungeon). The temple is also painfully easy, the enemies are so scattered and isolated it's honestly just confusing, it feels like there was just no thought to where they were placed. Not the biggest fan of this boss either, which actually is a shame because i think it had promise but the camera fucks this whole fight up. Classic zelda games would pull the camera out a bit more for fights for this, but the botw engine just keeps the camera fully up link's ass the entire time, makes it a lot harder than it should be. 1/10

-- Water temple

This part was a rollercoaster because I went from the worst temple straight to the best, the water temple honestly kinda just does everything right where the fire temple did everything wrong. the climb up to it is honestly arguably even more fun than the wind temple, it makes such a great use of abilities unique to this game. Flinging up waterfalls w the zora armor and using those cool floating bubbles was such a wonderful change of pace from the last temple. The whole temple is really nicely paced, has some really unique puzzles, and the enemy placement makes a good bit more sense. Boss fight here's not bad, not quite as creative as the wind temple boss but a really fun design and decently fun fight! My only complaint would be that some of the quests leading up to it are a liiiittle bit overly tedious with how back and forth they are, but that's not a huge deal and doesn't really put any real strikes against the water temple itself. 9/10

-- Lightning temple

This one's basically the definition of mid to me, it doesn't do anything offensively bad, but it's not doing anything as creative and fun as the water temple either. I think the design of this one is very "classic zelda" and that kinda unfortunately works against it imo. It doesn't really feel like it's doing anything particularly interesting with the zonai powers, and with the lack of classic zelda items it's not really doing anything interesting with its base puzzles either. Just some really bog standard light puzzles. The boss is one i also feel was, unfortunately, fucked over by the camera. I really wanted to like this boss, I really like the designs for the gibdos in this game and think the bug theming is so cool. Unfortunately anytime I was targeted on the thing (which was most the time because the arena is so big) and it did that slam attack it would whip the camera around in way where I basically couldn't see anything, It made the fight a lot more annoying that it otherwise would have been. 6/10

-- Spirit temple

Barely even a temple, the puzzles to get the mech suit for mineru were just time consuming and annoying, robot fight was kinda neat once i got past the controls. Not much more to say. 4/10

[hiroukeimou]

My thoughts on the (hopefully) season finale.

Let's hope I can keep myself sorted because I have had a long week in real life. Also, I'll be bringing up a few callbacks to previous episodes during this so bear in mind if you're super behind on the show.

Spoilers under the cut.

Right off the bat, let's tackle Rafael.

There is something I began to notice last episode in-between all the joking about his hair/posture: How much do we know about this antagonist from his own mouth? All we know about Rafael going into the finale is he might have been betrayed by his own comrades and fell into human hands (as per Shall concluding this without direct confirmation or flashbacks). There isn't much to go on about how or why he desires to be king over his own species other than for power. Because, if you think about it, if fairies betrayed him and humans subjugated him, why should he want to be king for anything other than power? And yet, in the finale, he's supposed to feel sympathetic in his final moments on screen. The problem is this is the final episode and he has primarily served as an exposition dump for the previous two episodes (outside of antagonizing Shall & Anne's relationship). Genuinely, I did not know if I was supposed to feel sorry for him or not because I know literally nothing about his person (of course, Lusul saying "I feel sorry for him" doesn't help). The worst part is he's been here for close to eight episodes…

The fight between him and Shall is… anti-climatic. There's an issue I had during this episode: The big confrontation they hyped up since last episode barely lasts two minutes in the episode itself. No joke, they trade blows for a bit then Hugh and Earl of Downing finally find their place (thanks to Shall) and Rafael simply throws himself off the fortress out of the blue. … … I'm sorry, WHAT!? That's it? This was my problem with the finale following the source material so faithfully because it shot itself in the metaphorical foot here. The animation is fire though; in fact, it's like that for basically all of this episode.

The lull after the fight feels alright. The downside of this small arc is I know none of the fairies names aside from Lusul and their time on screen is super short compared to the artisans earlier on. Regardless, at least they're free. I do have to question when and where Shall found all of their wings and still managed to catch up to them before the soldiers arrived. Especially since he was fighting Rafael most of the time...

The scene of Anne falling to her knees to hug Shall will forever live in my heart. The handholding scene, too.

The timeskip is a bit jarring since it goes from "soldiers incoming, explain thyselves" to "we're home everyone" within one cut. The reunion of Anne & Mythril was the most adorable thing. All of the artisans looking relieved also felt sweet. Even though it's a bit jarring everyone is acting like Anne was on vacation, I found it kind of cute how they all know Anne is worried about the sugar confections above everything else.

If I had not received vol.4 of the light novel on the day this aired, I would have found the conversation between Anne & Bridget odd. I'm not surprised she dissolved her engagement to Elliot or her relationship with Orland blossoming in the background.

Finally, Anne & Shall (plus Mythril at the end).

The ending of the show is bittersweet, of course, but it also isn't really uplifting either. The Holy Festival goes down without a hitch. However, Shall & Anne are now affected by Rafael's words and so there's no confession. The romantic tension of the previous six episodes has now died. It's sad because the trio themselves feels disconnected from every bit of plot that's happened in the last six episodes, I swear. They're optimistic for the future, and I love them for it, but I also felt so conflicted watching this scene in particular. There's something off about this bit of the episode, and looking at social media, I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Hopefully J.C. Staff will come back to this. Until then, it's a long four-year wait until all 18 volumes of the light novels are finally released in English (provided Yen Press doesn't give up). Maybe I'll come back to this episode a bit more positive once I can read the volumes of the light novel these last few episodes covered. For now, this is all I can articulate.

[give-me-stuff-to-watch]

Watching Stuff Day 23 - 7/29/2023 - Current Streak: 23

For today's thing I watched, I saw the short film, Empathy Man.

Right off the bat, I found the concept of Empathy Man and his abilities really interesting. I really think the super hero agency he was applying to was really undervaluing him when they rejected him. All he needs to do is team up with someone really empathetic and sympathetic and he could probably one-shot and contain a lot of criminals without causing any physical harm. If he links the criminal to them, he can make the criminal feel guilty because now they'll be empathizing with all of the people they're bringing harm to, causing them to stop. 1 on 1 he can't do much, but he can be really effective with the right team-up.

I also found the use of his powers they were going with in the short film to be really interesting too. I really like the idea of trying to experience more harsh emotions in a more temporary and controlled setting in order to be better prepared for when they have to be encountered for real. I also liked how his biggest downside/weakness was his own lack of empathy. He really did not care how mean-spirited his plan was when it involved kicking a kid's sand castle. Even if the kid was just building it for fun and there wasn't a tragic backstory behind it, that's still a dick move and unnecessary.

Another aspect I liked about the writing was the theme/message of the film. About how you should appreciate your loved ones in both life and death, and cherish the moments, memories, and connections you have with them. I thought it was pretty creative how they were able to display all of this as well.

Visually, there was a lot done well in this short film. There were some creative uses of lighting and interesting shots, especially when Empathy Man was using his powers.

I also do want to give mention to the acting here. I initially found out about this short film since I'm subscribed to the main actress' youtube channel, Not Even Emily. Since her videos and the skits within them are mostly comedic, it was interesting to see her in a serious role like this. She did really well with it, and there was a lot of nice subtle details in her performance, I honestly think she did a great job. The actor for Empathy Man did a good job too, there was just 1 or 2 moments I thought were slightly off. The only real questionable acting in it was from the kid character, but I'm not going to be to harsh about that given that he is a child, so this was to be expected. I'm sure he was doing his best, the lack of experience did show though.

Overall, I thought it was really good and definetly worth watching.

[dzpenumbra]

11/16/22

Okay two things just happened. One - I went outside to smoke and saw an inch of snow on the ground. The skateboarder in me cried because the skatepark is no longer really skateable for him. The snowskater in me beamed with joy. Thank god I reconnected with snowskating, because it reconnected me with skateboarding, and now I have an active sport to do all year long. Except for mud season. Mud season is the roughest by far. But I get a lot of creative work done during mud season, so it evens out.

Two - I opened my Betterhelp app to see if I could turn my app notifications on for once! I get fucking spam email notifications and telemarketer calls every damn day, but I don't get notifications for when my therapist responds to my messages. I gotta sit down and do something about that. And while we're on the topic, fuck anyone - and I mean anyone - who thinks I'm going to buy their product or service in order to stop them from annoying the shit out of me. "Pay us and the kid we paid to sit behind you on the airplane will stop kicking your seat at full strength." Fuck off with that shit. Please. So, I couldn't find the notification settings, but I did glance over the first two paragraphs of his message and it was a big breath of fresh air. Like being stuck in a stuffy, dusty, animal and dander filled apartment for 4 months and then sitting cross-legged by a beautiful river and breathing in the fresh air. And it just hit me... "fuck, I've been just surrounded by people from unhealthy families and relationships. And so few of them even know what a healthy relationship looks like, or think it's like... fiction or something. Like it's just something you see on TV or something." It sucks, because I just want to shake people and go "of course it's possible! Just do it! Just act like those characters! Who cares if they're fictional, they're mentors!" But, they just resist, or come up with reasons not to try. Ugh. See? I get a huge breath of air and it's like... "oh shit, not only do I deserve better than this, and it's not normal, but... I should have better than this? And... I can have better than this? And better than this is actually... available?" And I start beaming with joy and excitement! How fucking incredible life is going to be when I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who wants to work and play, but mostly play. :D But the downsides come with it, too. The whole, you can't save those stuck or trapped in misery. And it's just... yeah. It becomes the weight around my neck, the ball and chain around my ankle. Trying to save people, and suffering with them. So maybe I should try to reconcile this, unite the two, evolve them together. To inspire others to pursue healthier relationships and a happy life, to show them that you can break free. You can start over with nothing. Instead of just trying to coach them. Lead by example.

I think that could be an important shift in my life. But it requires confidence, extreme confidence. And I'm desperately low in confidence lately. Without exaggerating, I put together like Sims-esque (Rimworld, in my head) Need meters for myself. A prototype on paper, I want to make actual adjustable meters out of cardboard and mount them on my wall so I can gauge how to manage my needs the way I trained to through video games - by reading a meter and then performing tasks to balance that meter. Minecraft hunger bar, health bar, that kinda shit. Fuck if people call me nerdy or stupid or whatever, they're just being a loveless bully. My need meters that I settled on for now are Food, Water, Sleep and Confidence. That's how important it is to me. I genuinely believe that it's one of my core needs. And I think Willpower is on there too, but I haven't really gotten that far yet. So... generating confidence is super duper motherfucking important for me right now, and I think it is for a lot of trauma victims. I'm starting to notice that it's almost more important for me than Sleep. Like... let's use this stupid anxiety about being 100% presentable for a goddamn phone call to set up a state inspection appointment as an example. With this problem, which fucked up my life for like 3-4 days... if I pull an all-nighter, but I still have a bunch of Confidence? I'm good to go. If I'm absolutely starving but I have a bunch of Confidence? Totally fine. Dehydrated as hell, but still Confident? Not a problem.

So here's where my sleep schedule stuff comes in, I guess. Am I not going to bed until 4-6AM because I'm afraid of being alone? Because I don't feel safe asleep at night with no one watching the house? Or is it because I'm just getting lost in time doing things I really enjoy at night? And because I just do stupid chores and fight with my family during the day? Maybe that's what I'm avoiding? I mean... my life is super fucked up because I'm not awake during the day and have no one to help me make appointments and shit. Everything in my shitty town of 4000 people closes at like 9 or 10. I am not fucking kidding. There is one convenience store that I used to be a Night Shift Manager for (big fucking surprise there!) that was open until like 11. That's it. The general store up the road closes at like 7 or 8, and they have fucking self-checkout! They could totally stay open later! Ugh. So when I start going nocturnal, it starts getting super hard to do shit with day people. Like... let's walk through what my day will be like tomorrow for example, and keep in mind, I'm getting to bed early tonight.

After writing this, I like to read it back, to hear what my brain sounds like and familiarize myself with how my thoughts look and read-back in writing form. It's a weird thing, and it really helps you get to know yourself, so I'd really recommend it! Especially if you're a writer. But do keep in mind that this is entirely stream-of-consciousness, that means no edits - which I sometimes do, and I'm not too happy about it, but usually its because I have a few different sentences going at once in my head and they can kinda overlap sometimes. Like I'll use synonyms and stuff for that. And spelling errors. But reading back stream of consciousness writing that you did honestly is a great way to get to know yourself and how you can sound to others if you're like 100% honest. It just takes a bit of practice to get your typing up to speed with your thoughts, if you're not the fastest typist. I still struggle with that, and I type all weird.

So when I'm done reading this back, however long that takes, I go to sleep. So... it'll probably be around 4:20? 4:30? Then I'm probably asleep within 15 minutes. I've been falling asleep really well lately, I used to really struggle with that the most, I think weed and journaling are helping tremendously, like better than 2mg of Xanax tremendously. So we'll say sleep cycle starts at 4:30.

I don't lie to people, and I try not to lie to myself, so I need a good 8 hours of sleep to be fully rested. XD So I'm getting up at 12:30. That's pretty damn good. When I got to sleep at 7, that number goes to 3PM real quick. So getting up at 12:30, I need a shower - which is usually about half an hour and I really don't like saying fuck it and skipping because I get in bad habits and I have a recurring bacterial infection so I really need to be showering daily for my own physical health to keep that in check. That's half an hour at least, I fucking love showers and sing in them every day. I cannot stress enough how much I love singing in the shower, and how absolutely revolutionary the invention of waterproof bluetooth speakers has been for me. I used to carry a boom box into my bathroom and play CDs in it while I showered, a little chargeable bluetooth brick speaker is a godsend! So a long shower is a non-negotiable with me unless I have an appointment or something. Coffee and cat food is first though. So after my shower and food it should be around 1:30ish. On a 7AM day, that's now 4PM.

If you want to go to an actual store (that isn't the one grocery store) or make an appointment or something, you need to get whatever you need done that day done before 5. That's like... universal "we're fucking off and going home" time. Which is coincidentally also around sunset this time of year. So on a normal day, day activities include: windows to make appointments, store runs/trips, hiking time, skating time. So if I want to go to the river for an hour or so, on a 4:30AM day... I can usually get back from the river around... 3? If I'm just doing the hour. And then I still have time to spare to set up appointments and stuff. Same goes for the skatepark. But on a 7AM day... it starts getting dark when I'm in the woods, or at the skatepark. And there's 0 time for going to the hardware store to look for a chisel, or stone polish, or woodcarving tools. No time to set up my car appointment, or vet appointment. I have to choose. Do I want executive functioning stuff, or do I want exercise and nature. Fucking duh, I want nature and fun and exercise. So... I've struggled with that a LOT over the past few months, in my grief periods I struggle with it by far the most. Maybe it's a depression thing? Self-soothing? Maybe.

So obviously the daylight hours are valuable to me. They are time I spend in the world. So why do I spend so much time awake and active at night? Why am I up until 4-6 AM like every night. Why am I not even tired until then? I ask because I do need to fix my sleep schedule this week for the meet-and-move-in next week. And the car appointment. Oh yeah, I got both of those set up. Monday and Tuesday. So I have to be up and at the car dealership, drawing on my hoodie in their service department waiting room, at 10AM on Monday. Then up in the new city around noon the next day. Which means on Tuesday, I really should be up around... 8:30 or 9? And that's super rushing the shower. So I really do need to fix that schedule. So... I really can't figure out the why I stay up all night thing. Maybe it's because the daylight is so valuable to me, like... it's my nature time, and I don't like the idea of being indoors and working when I could be outdoors and having fun. Like, I'd much rather be out at the river gathering stones during the day, even in the winter, than indoors sanding stones during the day. I feel like most of my night time is spent working. It's very quiet, there are few distractions. I can work for many hours straight without a text or a call or a phone notification. Especially if I have a game like Rimworld (the day/night cycle in-game throws off your sense of time) or if I'm watching long-form media like a several hour livestream. I can easily draw, sand, carve, weave, whatever for hours at a time and have absolutely no awareness, and there will be no consequence for it. And the whole process is enjoyable. Like... it's a no-brainer, right? Night time is awesome, honestly. I really do enjoy it. It does get a bit lonely, and I'd love company sometimes, but man, I get so much done at night.

So... I guess I've found out a bit about myself here. Maybe I'm not afraid of someone breaking into my house and murdering me in my sleep. Maybe my best hours are currently aligned with 10PM-2AM, the timeslot of my radio show in college. The timeslot of my old livestreams. Maybe those are my work hours. I mean, that's a long-ass shift for live performance, meticulously detailed nature illustration, hand-sanding stones and hand-carving wood. I do get my best work out of that time slot. At least, I have historically. But having those hours just really suck life-balance-wise. It made me dependent on others to help me with daytime stuff, since my environment is very hostile towards night people. I mean... they barely even have public lights out at night, it's a bit much.

Welp, I wrote a ton and I'm reeling myself back in because I said 4:30 earlier, it's 4:30 now and I haven't even started reading this back yet. So let's fix that. This whole scheduling thing can wait until tomorrow, I will get on it then.

Here were today's cool things. I embellished 3 of my favorite mineral specimens by adding in facets on the existing edges. I beveled the edges, basically, and they look fucking really goddamn good now. It's hard to do them justice in a picture, but if I manage to get a good picture I will post it. I made at least 4 new wooden beads and set up a clamp vice to mount my wireless dremel. It worked beautifully and I actually got to wood-turn with knives and the pieces came out really cool! I'm very happy with them, and I'm excited to find smaller sticks to work with so I can do this more effectively. I set up a meeting with my new landlord company representative or whatever, it's set in stone now, a week from today. I did some tarot study, set up a google docs with all the card names in it. Then under each card, a detailed description of the art, concepts represented by the card's symbol, and a specific personal memory/event that would be represented by that card. I think this is going to be a much better way of learning Tarot, one that few people actually commit to doing because... it's really personal and it's not easy, it's kinda like therapy. I did the 5 of Swords and the 6 of Swords today, which was actually pretty emotionally difficult. 5 of Swords is a pretty fucked up card. I'm sorry. Death is like... everyone makes a big deal out of it or whatever. The Devil and The Tower are usually scarier to me, but like... I think 5 of Swords is super unsettling. Maybe it's just because of my personal experiences and traumas. 6 of Swords was much more uplifting, literally. It's about persevering through chaos, trusting your wits and clarity to guide you to peace ahead. 5 of Swords is about conflict, control and questionable ethics. At least in my deck. I'd like to keep studying the deck this way, and just pull a few random cards every day and study them until I get through the whole deck. It's a cool project, I really enjoy it. It also snowed, which was exciting, I saw snowplow lights and I felt like a kid on christmas morning. But I didn't go out and skate. I know the snow is too wet, I know I don't have lights for it... probably. But I'm really goddamn excited to go snowskating soon. :D

I think that's most of the positive stuff.... oh wait! I placed an Amazon order! Cuz... confidence! Fuck it! I really would love to buy from local people, but man... I've just been struggling with that, okay. So I just bought some shit. Because last time I went to the hardware store looking for stone polish, they just googled it right in front of me and went "we don't have it". Big waste of time. So I got 2 kinds of stone polish to try out, I got some collets for my rotary tool that hopefully fit. If they don't... whatever, no big loss, it was like 5 bucks. I got more incense! Yay! And some new essential oils which I'm pretty excited about. Different types of wood scents, I think that will be nice, especially to mix. And I got beeswax too! So I will be able to polish all of these stones, even the quartz, to a nice mirror shine. And I'll be able to seal the beads and stain and maybe even scent them too. And if the collets work, I have a lot of dremel bits that I will finally be able to use after like 3 months of putting this purchase off. And my new place will smell like nature, which I would really like.

So yeah! Lots of good things today, I'm very happy with it. The darkness always comes creeping back in, of course it does. But the light was shining bright today, and I'm very glad I committed so much of myself to generating these beautiful things!

[likesrandomstuff]

Omg i loved your list!!! It must've been a handful bc it was very thorough, diversified (in genres, year published/updated type of writing and even authors). And you said you were deep into the avalance tag in ao3, so you must've had a lot of work with these. You even included SMAUS!!! I totally forget about them, but they are super fun to read and the ones you selected are really good indeed! Kudos to you!!! Your whole list is AWESOME! And very entertaining tbh bc i was here waiting to see what fic you'd recommend lmaoo did not disappoint, let me tell you! T A S T E hahaha

But wait... You read You Are My Miracle in one go???? How far was it when you read it?? And YEAH once in a while we are hit with a 10k+ chapter and i LOVE IT! Hahahaha idek when i started, but maaan the slow burn kills me!!!! Good fic good fic.

And the HSAU MY BELOVED!!! that's the one you mentioned chapter 27 right? lol A Classic™️ can't express how in love i still am with this fic. It's long, and the slow burn seems even longer bc YOU JUST WANT THEM TO KISS 😭 (and its so worth it when the do!!!). And I loved even more the other fic with Jordan (it's Impossible to not like her!!) but mostly bc when I joined the fandom the HSAU was wrapping up and when i first read it it was already finished. And to follow a fic since the fists chapters, waiting for a new update... I just love it! And the whole story is INCREDIBLE!!! One of my top faves for sure.

The SQ au is also one of my faves, even though ive never shipped sq. And you are right, Lucy knows what she's doing lmao one of the firsts i read for avalance and its amazing amazing amazing!!

There's another one that's one of my favs and I belive it's the very first avalance fic I read (bc i was familiar with the author's works from another fandom): I See My Future in Your Eyes by lizardwriter. Another really great HSAU!! (Also Stuck With You is totally worth the read!!)

Anyways, loved your list and the way you organized it. So fun to be on this journey with you even though i just sat back waiting for your posts and sometimes forgetting to read them 🙈 hahaha

❤️ The Word doc I organised it in is 9 pages and almost 4,500 words. Would not have survived if I didn't edit in there. Just for general reading I filter AO3 into different length fics, and then sort by kudos, so I've probably read the description of most of the fics in the tag over the years. The list was from my own 109 pages of history, not the tag, so I was choosing things I've read. It wasn't a conscious thought to have such a range, really it was looking at my history, and what did I enjoy.

I love the concept of SMAU, and they really get lost to history. Unless you find them by accident, which I did for the first plinys one, there's a high chance you don't know they were a thing. I was following a bunch in early 2019 (that was longer ago than I thought), but plinys was the only one who I saw complete their's, and I know how to find them again, as I also do not have twitter.

The process was worth it if you enjoyed it. Also making my life easier; re-read Better than Ice Cream last night, and was so easy to find.

You're My Miracle was a couple of weeks worth of reading, I think. I keep some of my AO3 update emails (for my Favourites as it makes me happy), and the first one I have for that fic is Chapter 28. I was up-to-date by then. That was published August 1st 2019, which is now also a long time ago.

you make me smile (please stay for a while) was one hit. As I wrote, I read the first chapter when it was published, and the prequel one-shot, back in 2018. Got so irrationally mad about Laurel, and stopped. Not long after I went back to only really reading Supercorp fics. I read the whole thing Feb/March last year. And yes, that is the Chapter 27 I mentioned. For me, I love them both so, so much but this is the way that we love (like it's forever) pips HSAU for me. The scene that had me crying at work was when Amaya and Sara were talking about how the legends fell apart after Sara left; that was my school friends after I moved away for uni. I was the only one to move away straight after school, and I was only 2 hours away. I thought all my friends were catching up without me, but they weren't. There's some guilt in that, feeling like you're the reason why people weren't seeing each other, which I hadn't identified, even after they called me 'the glue' of our group at my 21st, until I read that scene.

Ohh, I'll give that a try! Thanks. I've seen it before, but haven't given it a chance. Stuck With You is grey-ed out, so I guess I've read it at some stage. There's always going to be gems that you didn't see when they were new, and don't know to dig for. That's what I'm hoping I've done for people with my lists.

Organising things is a favourite past-time of mine. The amount of time I've spent on my bookshelves, both books and Pops!, is probably more than I should, but I'm very proud of them. If only there was an easy way to get hard copies of fics to display...

You've been my partner in feels for this, and for that I'm very thankful. :)

[2lim3rz]

The Yearning with Abaddon or Erebus?? Well now I’m curious on how that would go 👀

maybe like Abaddon not wanting to be apart from you (ever) and constantly holding you close, or Erebus trailing after you and when you ask him why he’s following you around he just smiles says something along the lines of “Quite simple, I just wish to be around my friend”

Disastrously is how.

Warnings for: Stalking, Erebus being a pathological liar (let's face it, he is), can I just count this as just grimdark in general?

I'm going to lean in with my previous headcanons on Abaddon in any sort of relationship especially with those he deems clearly unworthy and go with:

Abaddon with the Yearning is.. a nightmare. Ambiguous timing I think my mind leaned post-heresy tho

You're right! You're not going to leave his side! Uh.. this.. this isn't a good thing. Wanna know why?

Why.. such a pretty little pet needs to stay by their master's side, of course! It's such common sense!

I'm saying it, throne room or anywhere Abaddon is sitting, standing, otherwise idle? You will either be standing right super close behind him or sitting on your knees beside him.

Someone touches you that isn't him? Congrats, they won't have arms. Unless they're of utmost importance. Then it's somehow your fault even if it's them helping you

Like his gene-father, Horus, Abaddon is very handsy. You will get touched, from more obviously lewd places to simply brushes of your hair (does he always have to touch you with those metal claws?! the answer is yes. You have to know your place after all)

You run away? You're dead. In the most painful way. Or maybe not dead but you'll wish it

If anyone tries to say anything about you, he will either be absolutely petty and get angry over it or he will just pretend he never heard the question. There is no in between

AND THEN THERE'S E RE B US.

Erebus.. oh Erebus my beautiful disaster.. My utter absolute I want to throttle you the second you show up bastard..

Erebus is the peeping tom, panty snatching stalker that plays the innocent card every time

In fact, every time he's got free time (which is a suspicious amount, pretty handy when your work IS your play), he's There.

You find pieces of your clothes missing

You find objects you've touched often missing

You find your fucking toothbrush missing (these objects with dna evidence are, of course, used in his weird chaos things. Why wouldn't they be?)

Honestly, in a weird turn of events, Erebus is probably the.. weirdly most up-front but not-really about his intentions for you

IT IS VERY MUCH "We are in a relationship now. Also your milk is about to expire"

And all you can do is just go FUCKING WHEN AND WHAT AND HOW?!

And then the next day you go to your home equivalent and he's replaced all your food with his favorite treats and has moved all his shit in but on the plus side absolutely no one and nothing fucks with you

Like..

Abaddon would be jealous with the stuff you're immune to because of this little chaos fanboy

ON THE DOWNSIDE you are VERY PRONE to be sacrificed (with love <3), being lied to about absolutely EVERY SINGLE THING (impulse liar who?), and also very much tricked into loving this bastard only to be revealed at the untimely moment of your death that his love was basically just the chaos gods going 'heeheehoohoo obsession is love, right?'

[dudadragneel]

Here it is!! This one is for @sicklycutefluff. Thank you so much for requesting this!

I'm sorry this one took a while. Just a quick notice, some of this is actual information from the series, and some I just got it from my imagination in a way that would make sense 😅

[ ] Midoriya

[ ] Uraraka

[ ] Iida

[ ] Todoroki

] Tsuyu

[ ] Aoyama

- Quirks and their consequences.

In the super-human society, about 80% of the population possess some sort of special talent called "quirk". It can also be called individuality. This ability opened a path to a new profession, "hero"; and because of that, a special school was opened to train the youth who aimed to be pro heroes in the future, UA.

Although this special ability gave you superpowers, such as levitating, super strength, the ability to become invisible, super speed, etc; it also had its downside.

Most of these abilities had an impact on the user's body, and if not used correctly, they could leave permanent damage. As some may say, everything has its price. 

In class 1-A at UA, a lot of the students possessed a quirk that directly affected their bodies. 

Midoriya, who inherited All Might's power, One For All, constantly suffered injuries due to the amount of power his quirk had. Multiple times the young boy had broken bones, and eventually, he was told that if he continued to use his power he could lose the ability to use his arms. 

Todoroki, a boy who had both fire and ice quirks, for a long time only used his ice quirk. And the reason behind that was the hatred he had for his father, Endeavor, who had a flame quirk and made Todoroki's mother go crazy because of what he did to two of their children. And all of that left a scar on Todoroki's face as well. It was not until his fight against Midoriya during the Sports Festival that he began to use his fire quirk. But now, using both of them meant that he had a hard time regulating his body temperature, which resulted in him getting fevers quite constantly, and also regulating his flame temperature so as to not seriously harm others. 

Uraraka, the sweet girl had a levitation quirk and although her powers helped save midoriya at the very beginning of their school year, it had its consequences on her body. Every time she used them, she would get really nauseous and therefore could no longer fight.

All of them were gathered to train their bodies and powers to get more control over them and also, get stronger.

Midoriya was focused on getting his kicks right, as now he used his quirk as "shoot style" to give his arms a break.

Todoroki was working on regulating his flames temperature and getting his body to adapt to such extreme conditions. And Uraraka was training so that she could use her quirk without getting sick.

And today, they were joined by Aoyama. 

Aoyama was a sparkly boy with a sweet personality. After some events, he grew close to Midoriya. During one of the training sessions for class 1-A, the one in which Midoriya first showed his Shoot Style to All Might and the whole class, Aoyama talked with him about how they were alike. Both of them had quirks that weren't compatible with their bodies, which caused more damage than good. 

Aoyama's quirk allowed him to shoot a beam from his belly button, but even though he considered it beautiful, the power had its effects on him. He would constantly have stomach aches during fights or training, and honestly, the only training he could do was constantly use it so to grow his body used to it. But that only made things worse.

As usual, Midoriya was focused on getting his Shoot Style perfect, with the right amount of strength so as not to damage his legs as well. 

Todoroki kept using his quirks alternatively to get used to activating his flame quirk as fast as his ice.

Uraraka kept floating all the time, with Tsuyu helping her out every time the nausea was too much to deal with and she had to stop levitating.

Iida was running laps around the training block and kept motivating his classmates all the time while also paying close attention to them.

And Aoyama was using his beam constantly, one shot after the other.

But, unlike the other days, in which he would only get a stomach ache, this time he was starting to feel nauseous. At first, it felt like it was only mild discomfort, but it grew stronger.

Aoyama did want to become stronger, he wanted to be able to use his power more, but he also didnt want to hurt his body to the point where he couldnt fight. So for the time being, he decided to take a break, and see if his stomach would settle down.

And his timing couldnt be better, as the Dekusquad was also taking a break.

They went to the corner of the training block and sat down on the floor to catch their breaths and drink some water, and recharge for the next round. But no one dared eat anything, they knew eating and training right after was the worst combination possible.

They took the opportunity to give each other advice as well.

- Todoroki-kun, how is your training going? Do you think you're getting somewhere?

- Hm. I think I'm getting the hang of it. But it's still hard to find a balance. The heat is still too strong and it makes me dizzy.

- I see. I dont know exactly how you feel about using your flame quirk, but maybe, deep inside it still bothers you? I mean, maybe your negative feelings towards it are keeping you from being able to lower the temperature of the flames? 

- You might be right. Thanks, Midoriya.

- Uraraka-kun, and your training? Any progress?

- Yes! I can keep my quirk activated for more than an hour now! That's 30 minutes longer than before. But the nausea is still a bother, not much, but still keeps me from giving it all.

- That's good! Uraraka-kun! Keep pushing!

- And you, Deku-kun? We saw that you have a new fighting style now. Shoot style, right? That's cool!

- oh! Y-yeah! That's right. Since my quirk doesnt really adapt to me, I gotta be the one to adapt to it. I dont know if I ever told you guys this but.... if I kept using my arms to fight, there was a high chance that they'd stop working...

- Midoriya-chan....

- Deku-kun...

- No, no no! It's alright! After studying it, I discovered that using my legs was the best option. And I have it more under control now. And Hatsume's san costume is really helping!

They kept on chatting and giving each other advice for a long time. If possible, they wanted to train together but since they were experimenting new things, it was dangerous.

Eventually, Midoriya noticed Aoyama on a corner, all alone.

He wasnt that close to him, but they had a connection, and Midoriya could tell that something wasnt right. Aoyama was usually sparkly and happy and chatty, but he was too quiet and didnt have his usual expression on. He was looking in distress, in pain.

Seeing that, Midoriya excused himself from the group and went to meet Aoyama.

- Aoyama-kun? 

- Midoriya-kun...Hi!

He tried to sound cheerful but failed. He knew Midoriya wouldnt believe him if he said he was okay.

- Are you okay, Aoyama-kun? You seem off today...

- I'm okay... it's just... my stomach... my quirk seems to be affecting it a little more today

- Dont push yourself too hard, Aoyama-kun. You said it yourself that our bodies arent compatible with our quirks. We shouldnt push it to its limits, it wont help anything. Why dont you come sit with us for a while? Let's rest for a bit.

- Okay. I'll do it.

Aoyama sat with the group and they talked for a while, resting their bodies so they could resume training.

Aoyama would say something here and there but the whole time his stomach just kept acting up. From time to time, mild nausea would suddenly increase and he just kept quiet and tried to control his breathing so his stomach could settle down. It seemed to work so he thought it would be safe to resume training.

After about 45 minutes, the squad was ready to resume training again. They got up from where they were and made their way to their training spots. 

But as Aoyama stood up, his stomach jumped making him stop mid-way and grab his knees. Midoriya noticed that and went to his side.

- Aoyama-kun. Are you okay?

- I'm fine! I was just getting the dust off my clothes!

He said with a forced smile. Midoriya decided it was best not to insist and just accepted what the boy said and they both went back to training.

After about 50 minutes, the discomfort in Aoyama's stomach had grown basically unbearable. It kept doing revolting turns and he felt something tickling at the back of his throat every time he shot his beam.

Eventually, the feeling grew unbearable and he stopped shooting his beam, which Midoriya noticed. But before the green-haired boy could actually process what was happening, Aoyama bended abruptly getting Midoriya's attention.

He ran to Aoyama's side and held him by the waist and shoulders.

-Aoyama-kun! Are you okay? Hey!

- Midori-ugh!

The boy tried to reply but was cut off by a harsh gag and almost instantly his legs gave up on him. But thankfully Midoriya was there to make sure he wouldnt fall.

- Aoyama-kun! 

The fuss caught the attention of the others who also ran to their side.

-Aoyama-kun! Midoriya-kun! What happened??

- I dont know. When I turned to look at him he was already like this!

While the group discussed what could be wrong with him, he was trying his best to keep his stomach content inside. He kept his eyes shut, hands on his knees to support himself, and deep breaths in and out. He was so focused, the voices from the group began to fade away, but the nausea persisted.

- Aoyama-kun? What happened? What are you feeling?

- Midoriya-kun... I don- I dont feel well...

That was what he managed to say before shutting his mouth, afraid that if he kept on talking, everything would come out. 

But the nausea only increased. He bended even further and clamped his mouth shut.

- Aoyama-kun.... tell me, what are you feeling?

- I feel like- I'm gonna be sick...but I dont want to...

- Aoyama-kun, it's okay. You're safe here, alright? I've got you. You need to let it out. You'll feel better after.

But Aoyama was determined not to vomit. He was swallowing convulsively to the point where his mouth began to feel numb. He felt that if he vomited, he would be admitting that he was weak, that he would never be able to use his quirk properly, that he wouldnt be a good hero. What's the point in being a hero if I manage to help only a few people before needing to be helped myself?  Those were his thoughts for a long time.

Midoriya couldnt stand watching his friend in pain anymore so he decided to help. Whether Aoyama liked or not.

- Aoyama-kun, I'm sorry for doing this.

Those were his last words before he hugged Aoyama and pressed his stomach. The motion quickly brought up a thick wave of vomit that made Aoyama sway forward, but Midoriya caught him and supported him.

Another violent stream came up, not giving him time to breathe properly and making his back arch to the point where it hurt.

Midoriya then gently guided him to kneel on the floor before he threw up again.

It hurt, it hurt a lot because he hadnt drink much liquid so it was just thick wave after thick wave. 

- There you go. You're doing good. Just let it all out.

Throughout the whole time, Midoriya kept rubbing his back, up and down, then in circles. And that made Aoyama feel safe.

The rest of the group also jumped into action to help their sick friend.

- I'll got get some water and a clean cloth!

- I'll let Aizawa-sensei know about the situation.

Aoyama's stomach gave him only a few minutes break before beginning another round. But now only bile kept coming up, and it stung his throat.

After a while, the ordeal finally stopped. He couldnt say he felt better but he didnt feel as bad as before. But now he felt weak, too hot and sweaty and his vision was starting to blur. 

- Midoriya-kun.... I feel faint...and too hot...it feels like I'm suffocating...

- Okay, let's get you out of your hero costume. You're wearing something underneath, right?

- yes...

- there you go. Feeling better? Do you think you can lie down for a bit?

-yes...

- Here, Midoriya, take this.

While Midoriya was helping Aoyama, Todoroki decided to make an ice block and a few ice cubes to help Aoyama cool down a bit.

-Todoroki-kun! Thank you!

Midoriya grabbed the ice block and wrapped it with Aoyama's cape. It was a light one so the coolness from the ice block passed through it easily. 

- How does it feel?

- Relaxing...

After a few minutes, the rest of the group arrived.

- here, Deku-kun! The water. And a cloth!

- Thanks, Uraraka-san!

- I just talked with Aizawa-sensei. He said we should take him to recovery girl. 

- Okay. Here, Aoyama-kun. Can you drink a little bit? It's really cold, it'll feel good in your stomach. But take small sips or you'll make yourself sick again.

Aoyama gladly took the water bottle, and, as instructed, drank it in small sips. And just like Midoriya said, it settled down quite nicely. 

They stayed with him until he was feeling a little bit more stable.

After some time he deemed safe to sit up and sat up straight. But he did not dare lift his face. And before they could react, there were tears running down his face.

Everyone's heart dropped at the sight. Aoyama, the usually cheerful and chatty guy, was crying. Midoriya was so taken back he felt his stomach twist at the sight.

-Aoyama-kun. What's wrong!?

- I'm- I'm sorry-

- What are you apologizing for?

- I just caused you trouble. I interrupted your training.

- What are you saying?? There's no trouble at all! 

- I can't- I can't save people! I'll never be a true hero!

- What do you mean, Aoyama-kun? Of course you will!

- No. How can I be a hero when I'm the one that will need help in the end? What's the point in being a hero if I can only save a few people before needing to be helped myself? I'm not fit to be a hero...

- Aoyama-kun. You're wrong. 

- huh?

- Anyone can be a hero. You dont need to have a quirk to be called a hero. Everyone out there can be a hero. Helping someone cross the street, helping someone carry their stuff. It can be considered heroic acts, because you'll never know what is going on in a person's life. Maybe that minor act, will change their entire day. You'll never truly know.

It doesnt matter if you can only save a few people before you're out of battle. In the end, you'll have saved them. They will get to see another day because of you. And you shouldnt be ashamed for needing help, everyone needs help sometimes, our quirks arent meant to be perfect matches for us. And you shouldnt be worried if you'll need help after using your quirk. You're not alone. We're here. We'll always be here for each other. Those you cant save, we will save them. We'll always support each other. You are not alone in this fight, Aoyama-kun.

Aoyama didnt know how to answer Midoriya. All this time he felt different, he felt like someone who wasnt good enough. But now, he was surrounded by people who were trying their best to achieve their dreams, and aiming to be true heroes.

- Thank you, Midoriya-kun, guys.

Aoyama couldnt be more grateful for having encountered these people. They were truly his friends. 

[lyradaisical]

Oof, I totally did not keep up on my travel log after that first post. I didn't do a ton while in Singapore since I only had nights and weekends to sightsee. So I only hit up the basic places that people recommended seeing. Let's see how much I can remember now that it's been weeks since I got home lol.

The Hotel:

I stayed in the financial district during my time in Singapore, which means tall business buildings everywhere. The hotel I stayed at was above several office floors, so being 40+ floors up and looking out of the window was always an uncomfortable experience.

The bulk of the patrons were businesspeople there for work, which meant that it was a fairly quiet stay. No rowdy children or adults. Also, a mostly empty pool lol

I had expected to have to go out for breakfast every morning, but to my surprise: complimentary breakfast! Here's just an example of what I'd have in the mornings:

Overall, it was a nice experience. However...

I did get stuck in an elevator, which I now have nightmares about. On the way up to my room, the elevator was oddly slow and shaky and suddenly stopped at the 35th floor. I assumed that someone on the 35th wanted to get on. But the elevator just stalled there, shaking ever so slightly, and then the lights went out. I went through a few minutes of internally freaking out before I pressed the emergency button. The lights eventually turned back on and it took me back down to the lobby. Elevator rides will never be the same again.

Nightly Sightseeing:

Being in the financial district meant that there were a few things in the area for tourists to check out. The first thing I saw was the Marina Bay Sands light & water show which takes place every evening. I, unfortunately, did not get the greatest viewing spot, but it was interesting to watch nonetheless.

Behind me was the popular "boat hotel", as my husband calls it. I ended up going to the area on a different night to try to get a nicer photograph of the hotel. The light show also happened to be on at the time if you look close enough in the photo.

Gardens by the Bay:

Another popular spot nearby, Gardens by the Bay is a large nature park for anyone who enjoys greenery. Unfortunately, I'm not someone who handles heat and humidity (mosquitoes!) well, so that always takes my enjoyment down some. Walking through the park is free but there are two conservatories there you can pay to visit and get some relief from the heat. I did spend most of my time in the conservatories since it was a bit too dark to enjoy the outdoors. This park also has a light and music show every evening.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the conservatories:

The Zoo:

Arguably my favorite part of Singapore. The vibe was just so much nicer than any zoo I've been to in the states; lots of greenery made it more immersive as opposed to the almost concrete jungle of some of the zoos here.

Back to the Airport:

As stated in my last post, I wanted to check out what the hype surrounding the airport was about. With my flight being in the evening and hotel checkout time being noon, I had several hours to explore.

There is a mall connected to the airport which I imagine a lot of people appreciate when they have to kill time. Though the downside is that you can't buy much when you have to get on a plane later unless you have space in your baggage. I did snag some Pikachus from the Pokemon store. As with most other places, there's a lot of water and greenery on display. The top floor had various attractions but I didn't do any of them. Honestly, my favorite part was the banana-shaped caution sign.

There is also a butterfly garden in the airport, which was very fascinating. Of course, being butterfly-friendly meant the garden was quite hot and humid and so I was pouring sweat a few minutes into being in there.

Bonus koi pond by the coffee shop:

That's basically it for my trip. It wasn't super eventful but it was relaxing. This isn't much of a log but I at least wanted to share some of the photos I took.

Hopefully the next time I go on a trip, I take better logs lol.

[seeuonadarknite]

one of the boys — yandere overhaul x f. reader

apparently woman are looked down upon in the yakuza,, shame on y'all ;( forgive me for my poor smut writing skills, i might write longer smut in the future if y’all want it 😳

warnings: dubcon, stalking, gore (overhaul's quirk), explicit smut.

All it took was a dramatic wardrobe change, a short haircut, extensive vocal practice, and the removal of all of your files to worm your way into the Shie Hassaikai.

That's right, you were a woman that was a part of the Yakuza. It wasn't a simple task on your end; you had to let go of everything you knew in order to live this dangerous life.

You believed it was unfortunate how women were looked down upon in the underground world. It took months of preparations to prepare yourself for this role, not even including your extensive quirk training.

Finally, after months of trying to remove all personal and medical files on yourself, you had successfully managed to fake your identity and wow the Shie Hassaikai with your unique quirk.

You had an informational quirk that allowed you to solve any case within seconds. The only downside to this quirk was how you needed the names of the people involved in the case. Your quirk also didn't give you any sort of super intuition, so you still needed to be on guard most of the time.

This quirk was honestly quite useful when it came down to it, so why did you decide use it in the way that you did? Why not become a hero, or an assistant, or even a villain for that matter? Why give your life away and allow yourself to become a slave to the underground world?

It was simple, really. It was all because of the boss of the Shie Hassaikai; Chisaki Kai. Also known as Overhaul.

This man ridded you of the only parental figure you had in your life. Your father. It was only one year ago when you arrived to an empty house and a note on the counter left by your father. It was a warning, telling you to stay away from the mob boss that went by Chisaki Kai.

Just his name was enough information to use your quirk, allowing you to crack the case in a matter of 5 seconds. He had blown your father up. All because he was beginning to figure out the secrets on who he really was.

This was enough to encourage you to avenge your father, and finish the job. It was a miracle that you were recruited, and no one had further questioned your mysterious backstory.

Well, almost no one.

The mob boss himself had questioned your presence the second you become apart of Shie Hassaikai. Why were your files almost completely nonexistent? Why did you seem so on edge around the other members? Why did you seem so interested in the name of the past leader?

Oh. Oh.

Now he got it. He pieced your suspiciousness and your quirk together. You were trying to get the dirt on him, weren't you? Why else would you willingly join the Yakuza with your useful quirk with open arms?

Two could play at that game, then. Kai began discreetly following you around, keeping tabs on important things like who you talked to, what you did on your phone or laptop, what times you'd leave the vicinity, and other things of the sort. Perhaps he could admit it was getting a little bit obsessive.

But he swore to himself that he was just trying to protect his status and not allow any traitors to get away with anything. That's why he took it upon himself to follow you home one night. He needed to make sure that you weren't spreading information or doing anything suspicious.

But boy, did he not expect to see what he saw through your bedroom window. You had taken your uniform off, along with layers of binding clothing to hide any type of curvature. What really surprised him, was the fact that you had breasts and what looked to be laced panties covering your womanhood.

One would assume that this would infuriate the mob boss, knowing that he had been betrayed and lied to by one of his men. But the tent growing in his pants proved otherwise.

Oh, he would have fun with this one.

—

You had been summoned to the boss's private office. Odd, on normal circumstances if the boss wanted to meet with you, it'd be planned out and in a meeting room. But you had received the order on one of your night shifts by a tall, hooded, masked man.

Shaking off any paranoid thoughts, you gently knocked on the large mahogany door, almost hoping you wouldn't receive an answer. To your dismay, you heard the monotone voice of your boss. "Come in."

As soon as you stepped foot into the office, you almost gasped at the sight before you. His office was huge. It was probably the size of the first floor of your house. Before you could gawk at the nicely furnished office any longer, Kai cleared his throat, successfully gaining your undivided attention.

"Boss! Sorry, it's just that your office is so nice, I've never seen anything l—" Your ramblings were cut short by the masked man before you.

"Quiet. I want you to come here." He curled his gloved finger a few times, indicating that he wanted you to meet him behind his desk.

Okay, now things were getting really weird. You didn't question his orders in fear of getting your body blown into nothing. Reluctantly, you made your way over behind the large, polished desk. As soon as you were standing next to Kai's sitting form, he shot up from his seat and slammed you onto the desk, causing a few items to fall onto the floor.

"Did you really think you could get away with deceiving me like this? Pretending to be a man just to get the dirt on me? Pathetic." Your eyes were as wide as saucers as you trembled in fear. This only caused Kai's pants to tighten around his cock, feeling an immense power trip.

You should've looked into this meeting before you carelessly walked into the clutches of the devil himself. Here you were, getting your uniform quite literally ripped off of your body.

Kai clicked his tongue at the bindings that covered your chest. "Your body must be in constant agony because of that poor binding job." He slipped his gloves off with ease, allowing his quirk to destroy the bindings and free your breasts.

What you didn't notice, was the shocked expression that covered Kai's features. As he touched you, he didn't receive a single hive. He wanted to savor the feeling of your soft skin, knowing it wouldn't have any negative effects on his.

Before you could retaliate, you felt smooth, large hands begin to roughly palm at your breasts. Kai wasted no time and leaned his head down to swirl his tongue around the hardened bud on one of your breasts, while the other one was being fondled and pinched by Kai's hand. You whimpered as his teeth began leaving bite marks all over your soft mounds.

As much as you wanted to scream and shout, you couldn't help but feel a pool begin to form between your legs. He was just so good and seemed to know exactly what he was doing, even if he had never touched a female in such a way.

"Aren't you a little slut? I've barely even touched you and you're already soaking wet." The smug man pulled away from your breasts, opting to slide his hand under your panties. You couldn't help the moans that escaped your lips as he practically shoved a finger inside of you, feeling your tightened cunt squeeze around it.

He grinned, gradually slipping in two more fingers while rubbing your clit with the palm of his hand. It was quite the show for him, seeing you shamelessly grind yourself onto his hand. He could only imagine how you felt around his swelling cock.

And before you knew it, you had been clenching around his fingers and twitching in place, allowing yourself to cum all over his hand.

On any normal circumstances, Kai would find this act utterly repulsive. He would feel the need to scrub his hands until they bled. But for some ungodly reason, he felt the urge to fuck you until you couldn't form coherent words.

Hastily pushing your panties to the side, Kai wasted no time in pulling his lengthy cock out. Before you had the chance to even ask about protection, you felt your insides being stretched by Kai's massive cock.

He didn't even give you a chance to adjust to his length. "O-Overhaul, wait! You're gonna rip me apart at this rate..!" You stuttered, silently cursing yourself out for appearing so pathetic to your superior. Your pitiful attempt at retaliation only caused Kai's thrusts to pick up in speed, rivaling the movements of a wild animal.

You wanted to hate it, you really did. You were allowing yourself to get ravaged by the man that killed your father. But he pleasured you in a way that your mere left hand would never be able to accomplish. It almost felt like his cock was meant to be inside of you.

"Good. I want your body to become accustomed to mine. Only I'll be allowed to fuck you like this." You hadn't even realized he had taken his mask off before he leaned in and attacked your lips with his. Your mouth had moved on its own, as you allowed his tongue to ravage your oral cavity.

After pulling away with a light string of saliva separating the two of you, Kai forcefully folded your legs into your chest. This action allowed him to bury his cock deep inside of you; deep enough to hit your cervix.

Now this had you going. You couldn't even contain yourself as you clenched around his cock, feeling you near your climax. Kai soon interrupted the sound of grunts, moans, and slapping by leaning forward and whispering in your ear.

"I want you to pledge that you'll keep your dirty secret, that you won't let the others know that you're not a sophisticated detective, but dirty little cock slut. Only I'm allowed to fuck you like this. Only I'm allowed to touch you. Come on. Say it!" He grunted, raising his voice towards the end of his command.

"I-I promise not to tell a soul..! You're the only one who knows my secret and the only one allowed to relish in it!" You couldn't believe the words coming out of your mouth. You were basically allowing the man who ruined your life to be the only person in your life that knew your true identity. To be the only person allowed to touch you.

It was wrong in so many ways, but you couldn't help but submit to him. The way his lengthy cock slammed against your cervix was enough to make you fall for his spell.

"Good girl. Good.." He grunted, feeling you clench around him and practically milk the semen right out of him as you also reached your limit. Your moans rivaled with ones of a pornstar's as you felt him release his warm, sticky seed into your womb.

He found himself reluctantly pulling his dick out of the warmth of your hole, almost cringing at the feeling of the cool air as soon as he pulled out. Meanwhile, you were finally beginning to come to your senses and realize how fucked up all of this was. The now masked man simply just sighed, walking away from the desk that you laid atop.

"I'm going off to take a shower. If I come back and you're not changed and cleaned up, there will be further punishments."

This was not how you expected this to play out.

[nancypullen]

We're Home

Actually, we've been home for a couple of days- I'm just exhausted. Not even sure why I'm tired, probably from wondering if the people on our flights were super spreaders. Honestly, the airports and flights were better than I expected. The airports looked like ghost towns, security screening took mere seconds, and flying into Baltimore our flight was about half full. Coming home our flights were packed and that made me nervous. We're vaccinated and we never took our masks off in the airports or onboard - I'm not sure what else we could have done. I'd never forgive myself if we carried this awful virus to our sweet, unvaccinated grandgirl. ANYWAY... Our trip was quick but productive. We covered a lot of ground and definitely know where we would and would not like to live. I took notes because I knew that it would all become a blur..."Which town was that blue house in?" We still love Chestertown. It offers an awful lot, especially for people staring retirement in the face. The only problem with Chestertown is that the housing inventory is limited. We saw an adorable house that had been flipped - top to bottom with gorgeous HGTV worthy finishes. But they saved money by not installing central air. As a woman of a certain age, there are some things I'm not willing to compromise on and good air conditioning is one of them. The closer we looked the more it seemed that money wasn't the only reason for leaving out the HVAC update, that perhaps the electrical wasn't upgraded on the (old) home and might not support a system. Farewell, beautiful kitchen. I love the way you look but I'm not willing to sweat inside my home.

We found several neighborhoods in Easton that we liked - quiet, wooded, lovely homes, and convenient to everything from healthcare to shopping. Easton also has a charming downtown. Loads of history, sweet parks, fun shops and restaurants. We explored a bit and sat outside Storm & Daughters ice cream shop and enjoyed a cone. There's a lot to like about Easton and it's definitely at the top of our list. Bonus, Talbot County property taxes are quite reasonable. Just down the road from Easton we toured Denton. It's a small but vibrant town. They boast a cute, historic downtown, and seemed to have an involved community. We found a couple of neighborhoods that we really liked, one even had lots for sale. The downside is that even though it's just a few miles to Easton and Talbot County, Denton is in Caroline County and the property taxes are much higher. Still okay, but high enough to make me pump the brakes. We're definitely not taking Denton off the list, but we'd probably opt for less house there. I'll be honest, my favorite house was in Denton. It ticked ALL of my boxes. Roomy, updated kitchen, pantry, walk-in closets, garage. The back yard was postage stamp sized, but we're not getting any younger so it's fine. The neighborhood was delightful and convenient to so much.

I checked on the property taxes for 2020...almost four thousand. Get outta' here. I know that we're really spoiled with low property taxes here in Wilson County, and we understand that we'll pay more in Maryland...but...ugh. Right now there are people in New Hampshire saying, "Four grand?? That's a steal! Buy it!" It's all perspective and something I'll have to work on. We traveled town to town, loving some of them and putting others in our rear view as fast as possible. Centreville? Loved it, but pricey. Ridgely? NOPE. Rock Hall? Charming, loved the Harbor Woods neighborhood, but they have one mom & pop grocery store and I didn't even see a clinic anywhere. It's 30 minutes to Chestertown, some of it through a wildlife refuge where my brain was screaming "SNAKES!". Adorable, but no. I think it will be Chestertown or Easton for us. Exploring the Eastern Shore was a fabulous history lesson and I'm eager to learn more. Back in the day they were big on their monarchs. There's Queen Anne, Princess Anne, Queenstown, Caroline County, and so on. In a pretty park in downtown Centreville there's a really lovely statue of Queen Anne. Some 271 years after Queen Anne of England signed the charter that created Queen Anne County on Maryland's Eastern Shore, a statue in her honor was unveiled by her namesake, the current Princess Anne. I'll bet that was a big day in Centreville. The statue shows the queen seated, holding the charter she's just signed and a little spaniel sleeps behind her chair. I thought I'd snapped a couple of pictures, but all I can find is this really bad video.

I was more in love with that tree than with the statue. Just across the street from that park was an Irish pub named O' Shucks. In my mind that was amusing, like saying darn it. More likely it has something to do with shucking oysters.

Beyond all the royalty and colonial settlements of the 1600 and 1700 hundreds, the Eastern Shore also has a rich history of Underground Railroad and abolitionist activity. Cambridge was the birthplace of Harriet Tubman and there's a museum and plenty of historic spots documenting her fearless work. Over in Easton they're proud of native son, Frederick Douglass. His story is fascinating, from slave to statesman. He was self-taught - a brilliant orator and writer, responsible for great social reformation, tireless in his pursuit of equality and fairness. He was a staunch supporter of women's suffrage, saying, "In this denial of the right to participate in government, not merely the degradation of woman and the perpetuation of a great injustice happens, but the maiming and repudiation of one-half of the moral and intellectual power of the government of the world." In other words, by not allowing women a vote our country was wasting half of its intellect. Here in Tennessee you'll find proudly displayed busts of KKK leaders in government buildings. Our parks are home to statues of the confederate generals who fought to keep slavery alive. Don't give me that B.S. about the Civil War being about state's rights. Ask yourself, a state's right to do what? Enslave people! It was economically beneficial for the south to enrich itself on the backs of slaves. Okay, I'm rambling- from property taxes to Civil War issues. None of which you probably care about. The very best part of the trip was, of course, quality time with the grandgirl. And oh, she is grand. We played princesses, we did a craft, we read books and made snacks. We squeezed a whole lot of fun and love into a short visit. She's smart, funny, curious, sweet, and beautiful. That's my 100% unbiased opinion. No matter which town we land in, it's closer to her and we'll get to enjoy all of the milestones that are so important. FaceTime is fine in a pinch, but nothing beats being there. Time for me to hush and get a couple of things done around here. There's laundry to fold and a dishwasher to unload. I'm currently sitting at my desk, gazing out at the gardens (the pumpkin plants were 3/4 dead when we came home and I'm not taking any heroic measures to save them) and loving what September is showing me so far. I love this month, the light hits differently and everything seems to calm down. After the busy, blazing summer months it's a welcome change. We still have some hot weather ahead, but there's a hint of change in the air.

Also, I'd like to add that IT'S JUST 53 DAYS UNTIL HALLOWEEN!!!

I'm getting happier by the day. Join me. Stay safe, stay well, and start stashing away some candy for the kids. XOXO, Nancy

[becasbelt]

Words: 4,874 Fandom: Pitch Perfect (Movies) Rating: T Relationships: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell Characters: Chloe Beale, Beca Mitchell Additional Tags: Angst, Pining, Canon Compliant Summary:

Chloe is in love with Beca, and Beca is in love with Chloe. Just… not at the same time.

In which Beca and Chloe can’t seem to figure out their timing.

Dedicated to my loving mother @darby-carter <33

* * *

Falling in love with Beca Mitchell isn’t something that Chloe necessarily expected upon their first meeting, but she can’t say that she’s particularly surprised by it, either. Chloe has always been free with her emotions- something that her mother always says she admires about Chloe.

Although she can’t really know for sure, Chloe likes to think that she generally feels things faster and stronger than most people. When she hates someone, she will go out of her way to avoid them at all costs. When she likes a show on Netflix, she will spend every waking moment watching it and looking up any information she can find on it. When she crushes on someone, they become all-consuming; Chloe thinks of them constantly.

So when a small spark of attraction starts deep in her chest for Beca, Chloe knows that it is only a matter of time before Beca completely takes over Chloe’s world.

And take over Chloe’s world she does, with startling swiftness and terrifying completeness.

Because even if Chloe has been in love before, every kind of love she’s felt in the past pales in comparison to how she feels about Beca.

And sometimes, Chloe thinks that Beca might just love her back.

Beca is a naturally prickly person, Chloe has noticed. Averse to almost any form of physical contact, affection, and intimacy. The emotional side of things isn’t much nicer. Beca hardly answers questions about herself and tends to get her way out of any conversation that seems like it may be heading in a sincere direction. It’s almost impressive how well she does at distancing herself from others, both physically and emotionally.

Maybe that’s part of why Chloe falls for her so hard and so fast; she just aches to make sure that Beca feels loved in some way.

So naturally, Chloe inserts herself into Beca’s life.

And Beca, shockingly enough, doesn’t really seem to mind.

At practices while Aubrey is lecturing Amy about her lack of cardio, Beca will slink away from Stacie’s attempts of showing affections towards her, only to allow Chloe’s arms to circle her middle from behind a moment later. Beca will answer Cynthia-Rose with some sarcastic quip when she asks why Beca is in the Bellas if she hates it so much, yet when it comes up in a late night conversation with Chloe a week later, she seems to have no problem opening up about how her dad will help her move to LA after the year is done if she ‘shows some real effort.’

Chloe seems to be Beca’s exception in almost every aspect of life, which thrills Chloe to no end.

Beca kissing Jesse is unexpected and surprising, to say the least.

Chloe didn’t think that Beca even liked Jesse as a person, let alone liked him as a potential romantic partner.

Watching Beca and Jesse kiss quite literally breaks Chloe’s heart. She cries about it on she and Aubrey’s couch for a solid week until Aubrey tells her that she needs to get over it, because it’s not like she and Beca were even dating or anything.

It was just a crush, Aubrey tells her. She hadn’t even known Beca for all that long, Aubrey says. You’ll be okay, she assures her.

But none of those things feel true to Chloe.

It’s funny, Chloe thinks as she watches the Hallmark channel, bottle of open wine cradled in her lap protectively. It’s funny how discovering that someone you have a crush on likes someone else feels like a breakup, even though you were never even in a relationship to begin with. At the end of the day, the person who broke your heart never technically had any obligation to love you back, because they never knew how you felt in the first place. It is an entirely one-sided heartbreak, which makes it all that much worse.

And since Chloe has always felt emotions more strongly than others, she thinks it’s pretty safe to assume that her heartbreak hurts more than it really should.

* * *

Failing Russian lit isn’t something that Chloe necessarily expected herself to do, but she can’t say that she’s particularly surprised by it, either.

The class was hard, and Chloe knew that she had done poorly on a lot of the tests and assignments in it, so her failing isn’t exactly the most shocking news of the day.

There are both upsides and downsides to Chloe having to stay in school another year.

Positives: Chloe has another year to figure out her life before she has to face the harsh reality that is the real world. Chloe gets to be in the Bellas another year, which is arguably her favorite thing in the world. Chloe gets to stay with Beca for another year.

Actually, the whole ‘staying with Beca’ thing could be a downside as well.

It’s a downside because Beca is dating Jesse, and Chloe is still tragically in love with Beca.

The thing is, Beca justmjust it so easy to be in love with her.

It’s in the little things that Beca does. Like the way she makes mixes for Chloe and gifts them to her with a shrug, telling her it wasn’t a big deal. Like how she looks so adorably grumpy cuddled up with Chloe under a blanket during Bella movie nights. Like how her cheeks flush whenever Chloe kisses her cheek, allowing it with only a small amount of grumbling.

Every single little thing that Beca does is endearing to Chloe, which is as frustrating as it is wonderful, because Beca gives Chloe so many reasons to hope that they could be together someday. It’s in the things she says:

“I’ve never known anyone like you before.”

“You’re the only person I feel like I can trust in this world, Chlo.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

If Beca didn’t have a boyfriend Chloe would swear that Beca felt the same way. If Beca didn’t have a boyfriend, Chloe would have absolutely told her how in love with her she is by now. But the reality is that Beca does have a boyfriend, one which she is very much in love with.

So for now Chloe will just ignore all the different ways that Beca Mitchell can make her heart clench and selfishly hope that Jesse and Beca won’t work out in the end somehow.

* * *

Chloe is still selfishly letting herself hope three years later, with no end in sight.

Emily asks them if they’re dating one day over lunch, causing Beca to almost choke on her food. Chloe pats Beca’s back as she tries to fight the blush blooming on her cheeks, avoiding sweet, innocent Emily’s curious gaze.

“What?” Beca squeaks out as soon as her airways are clear again.

Emily blushes deeply. “I was just wondering if you guys are dating, because you’re always holding hands and sharing a bed and saying ‘I love you’ and you just seem to know each other really well.”

Beca laughs as if the idea is absurd, and Chloe ignores the slight pang of hurt that it sends to her chest. “Oh wow, no. We are definitely not dating, Chloe’s just super affectionate.”

She’s still laughing as she says it, as if it’s the funniest thing in the world, which makes Chloe feel slightly offended. “You make it sound like dating me is the worst thing that could ever happen,” Chloe says coolly, raising an eyebrow at Beca.

It’s almost comical actually, the way both Emily’s and Beca’s eyes widen in response to that.

“No no no, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” Beca rushes out. “I just don’t think we’d never date.”

Chloe’s pushes down the tears suddenly threatening her eyes. “And why not? You don’t think we’d be good together?”

Beca shakes her head and laughs in astonishment. “Jesus, dude, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“That’s what I’m hearing.”

“Why are you pushing this so hard?”

Chloe shrugs in an attempt to act indifferent. “I just want to know why you wouldn’t date me.”

“Because you’re my best friend and I don’t think I could ever like you like that.”

Silence follows Beca’s statement, filling the kitchen with tense energy. Emily looks between Beca and Chloe nervously while they stare at each other. And as much as Chloe is hurt by Beca’s words, by her claim that she could never see Chloe as more than a friend, she still can’t help the way that her eyes drift down to Beca’s lips.

“Thank you for the clarification,” Chloe says quietly before forcing her eyes away from Beca’s face. She stands from the table and moves to set her plate in the sink, excusing herself from the kitchen without another word.

Beca doesn’t come after her.

* * *

Somehow Chloe ends up moving to New York with Beca.

Well, Beca and Fat Amy, that is.

Chloe never expected to move to New York, but she can’t say that she really minds it all that much. It’s vibrant and exciting, full of people and possibilities; exactly Chloe’s type of scene.

Except, Chloe usually spends the night in with Beca instead of experiencing all that New York has to offer.

Beca, who is recently single for the first time in nearly four years.

Beca, who came out to Chloe a couple months ago over an intimate dinner at a nice restaurant.

Beca, who will never see Chloe as anything more than her best friend.

And Chloe, being the hopeless, stupid romantic that she is, still can’t help but feel a tiny bit of hope that something will change between them. The hope is small, nearly completely put out at this point, which is exactly how Chloe likes it. Being in love with Beca at this point is more like embers in a fire bit rather than a raging inferno: still there, still warm, just not quite as intense.

Although, some nights those embers spark into a small flame, and those nights are usually aided by alcohol.

Tonight is one of those nights.

And Chloe honestly really hates herself, and hates Beca, and hates emotions, and doesn’t understand what the point of anything is anymore.

But damn if Beca still isn’t just as breathtaking today as she was when Chloe saw her at that activities fair five years go.

Beca is talking about… something. Chloe honestly isn’t sure what she’s going on about, because she’s had nearly a full bottle of wine and it’s making her head fuzzy and right now Chloe is positive that Beca has never looked so good in all the years they’ve known each other, even if she is only wearing sweatpants and an old Barden t-shirt.

“And like, I asked him if he was happy with that take, and he just shrugged so I was like ‘do you want to run it again?’ and he shrugged again, which really made me want to shove his fucking sunglasses down his throat.”

“He’s stupid,” Chloe says distractedly, though she doesn’t know who Beca is even talking about at this point. She’s too busy admiring the earrings lining Beca’s ears, and the curve of her neck so perfectly on display thanks to how Beca's hair is pulled up in a messy bun, and the shape of her lips and how kissable they look.

Chloe was sitting on the other end of the couch from Beca. She knows she was because she purposefully sat on the other end at the beginning of the evening to keep herself from reaching out a touching Beca impulsively.

So Chloe was sitting on the other end of the couch, but she is definitely not sitting on the other end when she pulls Beca in for a kiss by the back of her neck.

As soon as Chloe realizes what she’s done, she is immediately mortified with herself and starts to pull away. Hands coming up to cup her face halt her retreat, however, and a mix of confusion and elation overcomes her when Beca starts kissing Chloe back.

Their kisses become increasingly more frantic the longer they last, Chloe eventually pushing Beca back against the couch cushions to lay on the top of her. Chloe isn’t sure how long this dream that she’s in is going to last, so she figures she might as well enjoy it for as long as possible.

Chloe deepens the kiss, tongue pushing its way past Beca’s lips as Beca groans beneath her. Beca’s hands tighten in Chloe’s hair, not necessarily pulling or pushing in any way; just holding as if Beca is trying to anchor herself. Chloe knows that she’ll have to pull back for air soon, but she’s scared that as soon as they stop the dream will be shattered, so she tells her lungs to suck it up and pushes her lips harder against Beca’s.

Beca is the one to pull back, her head pressing against the cushions beneath her to gain some distance between Chloe’s lips and her own, chest heaving as she tries to steady her breathing. Chloe is panting too, but instead of taking the time to breathe probably she begins pressing lights kisses to Beca’s neck, unwilling to part from Beca quite yet.

Beca’s breathing starts to even out and she lets out little sighs of contentment at Chloe’s ministrations, hands stroking softly through Chloe’s hair. Eventually Chloe’s lips stop moving and she relaxes her body fully on top of Beca’s, enjoying the closeness as she buries her face into the crook of Beca’s neck.

The hands in Chloe’s hair move until they’re running lightly over her back instead and Chloe resists the urge to shiver. She remains quiet, not wanting to shatter the calm that surrounds them. Beca says no words either, and that is the way they remain, tangled up on their shitty couch in their shitty New York apartment until they fall asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Chloe wakes up still entangled with Beca. Beca is still asleep – which doesn’t surprise Chloe, she’s always been the earlier riser between the two of them – so Chloe carefully climbs off Beca and makes her way to the kitchen to make some coffee.

Beca wakes up with a grunt just as the coffee finishes brewing, and Chloe smiles a little at the familiar action as she pours coffee into two mugs, settling down in one of the chairs at their tiny kitchen table.

“Morning, Bec,” Chloe says once Beca is sitting up and looking a little more alive.

Beca grunts again in response and shuffles over to the table, plopping herself down across from Chloe and reaching for the second mug of coffee. She takes a generous sip and curses when it burns her tongue, and Chloe can’t help but chuckle in response.

It’s a few minutes later when Beca is finally awake enough to form actual sentences, and what she says makes Chloe choke on hot coffee.

“So what was last night about?”

Chloe coughs as she tries to clear the liquid from her throat. Beca winces in sympathy. Chloe uses the choking as an excuse to find her words, because she honestly had not expected Beca to confront her about their impromptu make out session.

“Um, I don’t know,” Chloe says hesitantly after a minute. “I was just drunk, I guess.”

It’s a lame excuse. A terrible excuse, in fact.

“Oh,” is all Beca says.

“What about you?” Chloe questions, turning the question on Beca. “You kissed me back.”

Beca shrugs and avoids eye contact with Chloe. “I’m not sure. Like you said, we were drunk.”

Disappointment fills Chloe as Beca opts for the easy cop-out as well. “Right,” she says, looking down at her coffee. “Just a drunken mistake. Nothing more than that.”

And in that moment, Chloe feels those burning embers within her completely die out for good.

* * * * * *

Falling in love with Chloe Beale isn’t something that Beca expected upon their first kiss, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised.

Because Chloe has been Beca’s best friend ever since her first year at Barden, even if she tried to downplay just how close they were a lot of the time. She didn’t want to say that she saw Chloe as a sister, because there would be a lot to unpack there if that were the case, but Beca definitely never thought of Chloe in a romantic sort of way at all.

Sure, Chloe was kind and thoughtful and always knew just how to make Beca’s day better. She was always there when Beca needed someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, or just a good hug because she’d had a shitty day. And Chloe really did give the best hugs, and Beca always felt so at home in her arms, especially when they were cuddled up together after falling asleep while working on Bellas stuff or homework or just talking until they could barely keep their eyes open. Plus, Chloe has always just understood Beca in a way that nobody else ever has…

Shit. Had Beca been in love with Chloe the whole time?

The realization that Beca had possibly been in love with Chloe for years causes Beca to pull away from the kiss that had grown decidedly more heated than any friendly kiss should ever grow. Her chest heaves as she struggles to catch her breath, both overwhelmed with the passion of the kiss and the way her thoughts have attacked her in such a sudden onslaught. Chloe moves to kiss her neck, seemingly undeterred by Beca’s withdrawal, and Beca is torn for a moment between pushing her away and pulling her closer before ultimately deciding to do neither.

Beca remains silent – save for the involuntary whimpers and sighs that escape her due to Chloe’s lips moving against her body – as she processes her new emotions. Eventually Chloe stops her ministrations and settles her weight against Beca, and Beca waits for the inevitable moment that Chloe pulls away and makes them talk about what just happened.

Except, that moment never comes. Chloe only burrows herself deeper into Beca, apparently content to remain silent for the remainder of the night.

Which she does- which they both do, actually. Chloe falls asleep soon after, leaving Beca to stare at the ceiling in the dark of their apartment and wonder how her heart is still beating so fast in her chest.

* * *

Beca holds off her curiosity about the whole thing the next morning for as long as she can, but ultimately ends up caving only about half an hour after waking up.

“So… what was last night about?” Beca attempts to sound casual, but is painfully aware of how much she’s failing.

She asks the question right as coffee goes down the wrong pipe in Chloe’s throat, causing her to start coughing for a few moments. Beca winces and internally curses her poor timing.

“Um, I don’t know,” Chloe says once she can speak again. “I was just drunk, I guess.”

Beca’s heart sinks. Of course it was because they were drunk, why else would Chloe have kissed her?

“Oh,” Beca says lamely.

“What about you?” Chloe asks suddenly, glancing at Beca. “You kissed me back.”

Panic fills Beca at the question, so she tries for an indifferent shrug and stares into her coffee. “I’m not sure. Like you said, we were drunk.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Beca thinks that Chloe’s shoulders might slump a little. “Right,” she says softly. “Just a drunken mistake. Nothing more than that.”

Beca looks back up at Chloe only to see that Chloe’s eyes are directed down towards her drink. The sun shining in through their apartment's sole window shines over Chloe, bathing her in golden light. Beca’s heart pounds painfully in her chest at the sight and fuck- right there in that moment she feels herself fall hard.

* * *

Being in love with your best friend is difficult, Beca has decided. On top of that, being in love with your best friend and living with them and sharing a bed made it all that much worse. Beca wouldn’t ever wish it upon her worst enemy.

Beca wishes things could go back to the way they were before, when neither of them were secretly in love with the other, and when Beca’s heart didn’t feel like it would burst out of her chest when Chloe came home from work in the evenings, and when Beca felt like she could tell her best friend anything.

Beca wishes she wasn’t in love with Chloe.

But the thing is, Chloe makes it so easy to be in love with her.

It’s in the little things that Chloe does. Like the way she always makes coffee for Beca in the morning, even though Beca has two perfectly good hands and could make it herself. Like how she’s always willing to give Beca a back massage after a long day of Beca hunched over a soundboard or computer for work. Like the way she doesn’t seem to mind Beca’s frequent awkwardness in most aspects of life, telling Beca that it’s ‘endearing’ to her.

Which Beca thinks is unfair because every single little thing that Chloe does is endearing to Beca. Chloe makes Beca feel like the most loved person in the world without trying. It’s the way she says things like:

“You’re my favorite person in the world.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life, Bec.”

“I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”

Beca has never had someone that is such a stable in her life like Chloe is. Beca never has to worry about if Chloe has her back, or if she can trust her, or if she’s someone Beca can count on because Chloe has done nothing but be dependable in the six years they’ve known each other.

And while Beca would like to tell Chloe how she feels about her, she can’t. She can’t tell Chloe and risk losing the singular best thing that she has ever had in her life.

* * *

Beca doesn’t know who this Chicago guy is, but she does know that she hates him.

She doesn’t know why exactly she hates him- actually, no, scratch that because Beca actually has many reasons why she hates him. At the very of top of that list is the way Chloe can’t seem to get enough of him.

From the very first moment Chicago stepped into view and introduced himself, he had Chloe following him around like a little puppy. Beca had tried to keep up with them at first, trailing uselessly along Chloe’s side, attempting to jump into their conversation every now and then, but ultimately decided that it was no use.

Chloe was hooked on this guy, which meant that Beca’s presence when she was around him was obsolete.

Beca didn’t like it.

For years now, Beca has been used to being Chloe’s favorite person in any given situation. She’s gotten used to (and fond of) the way Chloe clings onto her in some sort of way when they’re together- holding her hand, looping their arms together, hugging her waist from behind. Except now Chicago is the one on the receiving end of Chloe’s physical affections. Chloe is always pushing his shoulder playfully, or brushing a hand down his arm, tugging on his hand; any excuse to just touch him, it seems.

Beca feels colder than she has in a long time without Chloe’s presence near her.

And Beca has never been one for physical affection. Physical touch is decidedly not one of her love languages. Beca has always been more of a quality time type of person, where no contact or words are necessarily needed for her to feel close to someone, but now that Chloe has stopped directing all her touchiness towards Beca, she realizes just how much she craves that connection with Chloe.

Throughout the course of the entire USO tour, Beca begins to feel like Chloe is pulling away from them- whatever them is. Beca has never felt so much distance between them, both physically and emotionally. The whole situation is rapidly spiraling out of Beca’s control and she has no idea what to do about it.

So Beca decides that she’s going to tell Chloe how she feels. She’s already losing Chloe as it is, so she might as well say fuck it and go all out.

Beca dedicates her final performance to Chloe, even if she never actually tells anyone she’s doing so. She thinks she makes it pretty obvious, though, what with the way she doesn’t take her eyes off of Chloe for the entire first half of the performance before inviting the rest of the Bellas onstage. Their eyes connect and Beca smiles from the stage, thinking that maybe there is a chance that Chloe feels the same way.

When all the Bellas rush to hug her at the end of their performance, Chloe the first one to do so, Beca has to resist the urge to kiss her right there onstage in front of everyone. Beca doesn’t want to rush this, she wants to do it right.

As soon as Beca is able to break away from all the ‘important’ people she needs to talk to afterwards, she starts rushing around to find Chloe. Her thoughts start spinning in her head as she tries to figure out what exactly she’s going to say.

You’re the greatest thing in my life.

I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you.

I love you, Chloe. I love you I love you I-

Beca finds Chloe.

Chloe is kissing Chicago, looking happier than Beca has ever seen her before.

Suddenly Beca understands exactly what people mean when they say their heart has been broken.

Because she feels it happening to her right now.

* * *

The silence between Beca and Chloe in the car is uncomfortable, which is how all their silences have been since returning home from the USO tour.

It’s an unfamiliar feeling, having uncomfortable silences with Chloe. Pretty much since the first time they hung out, they have always been comfortable around each other. Part of that is because Chloe is a natural at interacting with people and makes conversation easily, but even when they weren’t even talking things were always easy with them.

The silence between them now feels like it’s trying to choke Beca.

Arriving at the airport feels almost like a blessing to Beca, because it means that they don’t have to endure the tension any longer, but it is also most definitely a curse as well.

Because arriving at the airport means that Beca is leaving for LA soon. It means that she is leaving Chloe soon.

They walk through the airport until they get to security, making small talk along the way. Beca stays mostly quiet, though, internally debating with herself the entire way. Because she is quite literally running out of time and now is her last chance to tell Chloe how she feels, but she knows that Chloe is with Chicago now and it would be unfair to dump all of her feelings on Chloe before she jets off to the other side of the country.

And Beca is afraid. Afraid of losing Chloe, afraid of telling Chloe how she feels, afraid of never telling Chloe how she feels.

But Beca figures it’s now or never.

“I have to ask, Chloe. Did you… do you think we ever could have been something together? Something more than friends, I mean,” Beca says quietly, uncertainly. She swallows before adding, “Do you think we could have loved each other?”

Chloe smiles softly and gently laces her fingers with Beca’s. She leans forward and brushes a kiss against Beca’s cheek, and Beca’s eyes instinctively close at the feeling. “Beca, I think you I both know that we loved each other. We just… never seemed to get the timing right is all.”

Beca’s breath hitches at the words. Chloe smile turns a little sad and she squeezes Beca’s fingers once before letting go.

The speakers above them inform Beca that her flight is ready to board, so Beca grips her suitcase handle and prepares herself to walk away.

“I love you,” Beca tells Chloe before she can lose the nerve. “I think I’ll always love you.”

Some expression flashes on Chloe’s face – regret, sadness, clarity, maybe – but it passes too quickly for Beca to tell exactly what it is. “And I think a part of me will always love you, Bec.”

And somehow that’s all they say before Beca is turning around and walking through the gate of her flight, all of her senses feeling completely numb. She wills herself to turn back and rush towards Chloe; to kiss her, to tell her that she can’t go to LA, to tell her that she can’t live without Chloe in her life. She wills Chloe to call out to her and tell her to stay, tell her that she loves her, to give Beca a reason to stay.

Beca doesn’t turn back, and Chloe doesn’t call out.

And maybe that is the most unexpected thing of all.

[popliar]

Ateez in Seoul, 8 and 9 February 2020

Olympic Hall at Olympic Park

No one will believe this but I actually had my holiday with @flywithturtles planned before I knew the dates coincided with Ateez's Seoul concert dates. But it's true! I have the WhatsApp conversations to prove it!! Anyway I secured the tickets and all was well.

This is the first concert I've been to where they were handing out masks, making sure everyone had hand sanitizer and checking temperatures as you entered. Haha. Well they also checked our temperature going into the Line Friends store that day so, that's corona virus life. I was actually really worried the concerts would be cancelled, given so many other events have been, so it was a relief that it went ahead.

Structurally this is the same as the show I saw in August last year, after Wave/Illusion: starting hard with pirates, a lighter middle section, and a mythology-heavy last third. And then the encore which went for ages.

What's great to see is that the gaps and pacing downsides of the previous year have been corrected and improved. The pacing has been tightened up, the banter and ments flow much more smoothly and the show just feels very professional and well run.

Here's my post about last year's show: https://popliar.tumblr.com/post/187095347758/ateez-in-sydney-11-aug-2019

It's a shock to realise they've only been around one year four months but they were able to fill out a full 2.5 hour set, every song solid. And KQ spent proper money on this, the production was good - it's not like LAVISH but there were good stages and fancy screens and new VCRs and plenty of back up dancers, and it all worked well. There were maybe too many fireworks on the first night (I hate it when it obstructs the choreo) but they'd adjusted well on the second night.

Surprising but welcome - they had English subs for some of the ments. I don't think they were "live" subs because sometimes they'd get ahead of what the members were saying. But it was helpful. Even without them, body language and tone says a lot. Though I'm regretful that I don't understand Seonghwa's acrostic poems or all of their stupid jokes lol.

The show is called Fellowship and they leaned into it hard, asking Atiny to be part of their shared journey and to stick with them forever. It's a familiar refrain from other shows, but each time I find it both surprising and effective - this very overt, explicitly stated entreaty to be a fan, to enter into this imagined relationship, the appeal to reciprocity. "We've made you happy, make us happy too, be with us and we'll be with you."

But you can know a thing and it can still be effective. I did love the shows. I want them to be happy too!

A list of observations and random things:

Spoilers follow, I'd put it behind a cut but I can't figure out how on mobile haha

OK REALLY SPOILERS NOW

-first VCR to open the show expanded on the Treasure theme.

-Desire opens with blindfold choreo. Was this a gift for me? THANK U.

-for Lights, they had cute moments where they held up little speech bubbles over each others heads. They paired up with Hongjoong and Mingi, San and Wooyoung, Seonghwa and Yunho, and Yeosang and Jongho. Both nights, Woosan held hands. On the second night Yunho held Seonghwa's hand and Seonghwa was like a shy maiden. Mingi and Hongjoong had very strong flirty energy. Yeosang and Jongho are cute.

-the VCR in between part 1 pirates and part 2 fun boys showed what felt like a series of different dimensions? An ocean, a mountain, fields of flowers, cosmic surrealism, etc. As though each of them was alone somewhere in time and space.

-During If without you, they threw out balls to the crowd as gifts (mini riots ensued). Mingi put the empty basket on his head both nights, what a beautiful fool.

-Night 1 was the first time with the light stick! Hongjoong announced its official name: Lightiny (light of destiny) but also Tinybong lololol. The light stick is super pretty. I was tempted but didn't have time the first night. The second night it was sold out when I arrived!!!

-The VCR in between parts 2 and 3 is the really intriguing one. It paired them up into the Lights pairs again. Yeosang and Jongho searched for each other in a hall of billowing drapes. Mingi and Hongjoong were rockstars (with great lipstick). San and Wooyoung were mirrorverse versions of each other. Yunho and Seonghwa put together the pieces of a puzzle in a set that reminded me of both Treasure and Wonderland.

-In the intro to Say My Name on the first night, Hongjoong went halfway down the stairs then turned around, went back and grabbed his mic, then went down again lol. The second night he very firmly took his mic before descending the stairs lol.

-The final VCR before the encore showed them uncovering items on pedestals as though in a museum: a camera, a gramophone, a painting, a book of poetry by Yeats... Then they all created a painting together. When viewed through a red screen (like the puzzles in their albums) the pattern revealed a compass. They then all showed their wrists to reveal each had a compass tattoo.... WHAT IS THIS OT8 SOULMARK FIC!!!!!

-They said they had planned for every audience member to have this compass stamp (the Fellowship again) but it was cancelled due to health concerns. But we could see it with our true eyes, right???? On the second night, the 99s swarmed Seonghwa at this point to try to look down his shirt. I see. I see. (Later on Hongjoong also tried to peek into Mingi's shirt also fine just fine.)

-Early in the show Hongjoong said there would be clues through the show about the next steps in their concept/narrative. The hourglass and compass were very recurrent but these are not new. Hmm. I wonder.

-In one ment on night 1, Jongho spoke to all his hyungs informally and it was HILARIOUS. He did something similar on the second night, patting Yunho on the head and pinching Wooyoung's chin etc.

-During Star 1117 on the first night, Hongjoong and San started crying. Then in the following ment, they and Yunho and Wooyoung were crying, and Seonghwa and Jongho were teary. Yunho cried so hard (missing his grandfather!) that during Hongjoong's ment, Mingi quietly went over and gave him a towel. There were like five members in between that he passed to give him the towel, it was so sweet I'll cry. Night 2 felt more joyful and upbeat.

-Some ppl really left way too early like before the encore. The encore is half an hour long omg! You missed out on so many songs!!!!!

-On night 1 between main set and encore the crowd didn't quite know what to do. Huge kudos to the fans who led some cheers otherwise it would have been so quiet. Second night was better and also they kept the light sticks on while we were waiting which added to the atmosphere.

-They didn't sell a couple of sections in the hall at all, they were curtained off. It's interesting to think BTS had their first Muster here at around the same point in their careers. Like BTS, Ateez too are more popular globally than at home. They were beaten quite handily in voting on music shows by SF9 this comeback, who are more popular at home than internationally.

-It is great being in a huge fandom like BTS but also you know this is actually a great time to stan a group like Ateez. They're big enough to be exciting and have good shows, they are interesting and still developing, they're still playing intimate venues... They're good!!!!!

-A few of them had fake neck tattoos. San helpfully labeled himself "San" on the second night lol.

-Hongjoong briefly went off stage during sunrise On night 2. Hopefully just a technical issue.

-Treasure and Precious choreo start and end in the same place, echoing their musical connection.

-They had different encore outfits for Answer each night, before changing into hoodies. On night 2, Yeosang saw some of the others had scarves/banners tucked into their back pockets and was like "where's mine????" Instead of a banner, Yunho had a baseball cap. Seonghwa took his off and Hongjoong tied it around Seonghwa's wrist.

-For Star 1117, everyone held up their mobile phone lights. On night 2, San repeated the request in English too. Very pretty to see all the lights.

-On second night, Seonghwa and San got their mics and necklace tangled up during a ment lol.

Setlist:

(Intro)

Win

Horizon

Pirate King

(Introduction ment)

Medley: Twilight, Stay, My Way

Light

Mist

Desire

(VCR)

Illusion

Crescent

Wave

Sunrise

(Ment, lightstick announcement)

If without you

Aurora

Utopia

(VCR)

Say My Name

Dazzling Light

Hala Hala

Treasure

Precious

Wonderland

--

Encore:

(VCR)

Answer

(Ment)

Thank u

Star 1117

(Ment)

Promise

Dancing like butterfly wings

Setlist from: https://twitter.com/updateez/status/1226112679728812032?s=19