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troublesomegoose · 5 years ago

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Someone wanted to get to know me better so here’s 106 things about me (sorry if there’s typos):

1. what’s your middle initial: J

2. How old are you: 17

3. Birthday?: March 26

4. What’s your zodiac: Aries

5. Favorite color: Teal and yellow

6. Lucky number?: 16 and 26

7. Do you have pets: Three cats right now

8. Where are you from: Unfortunately the US

9. How tall are you: 5’7” (?)

10. What shoe size are you: about 9 1/2

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own: 14

12. What was your last dream about: vampires, ice skating, and Thomas the Train (please don’t ask)

13. Any weird talents?: I can cross one eye at a time

14. Are you psychic: maybe a little

15. Favorite song?: Too many

16. Favorite movie?: Too many

17. Who would be your ideal partner?: someone who can love and take care of me at my best and worst

18. Do you want kids?: maybe

19. Do you want a church wedding: nope

20. Are you religious: agnostic

21. Have you ever been to the hospital: yes

22. Gotten in trouble with the law?: Shh 🤫

23. Met any celebrities?: Nope

24. Baths or showers: Both, depending on the circumstance

25. What color socks are you wearing: invisible ones

26. Have you ever been famous: no

27. Do you want to be: no

28. What type of music do you listen to: alt/indie/rock/post-political?

29. Last person you held hands with?: gf

30. Personality?: Shy as heck

31. Who are you looking forward to seeing?: My girlfriend and close friends

32. Are you easy to get along with?: I think for the most part?

33. Have you ever given up on someone, then gone back to them?: Yup

34. If you were drunk, who would take care of you?: I don’t drink

35. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?: probably

36. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?: Friend I grew apart from

37. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?: I’m ace

38. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?: I just came out to my close family

39. What does your most recent text say?: “only with avocados”

40. How do you feel about abortion?: no comment

41. Do you like big crowds?: sometimes

42. Do you believe in miracles?: no

43. What good thing happened this summer?: ummm...?

44. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?: if they let me

45. Do you think there is life on other planets?: idk maybe but not like what we think it’s like

46. Do you still talk to your first crush?: here and there

47. Do you like bubble baths?: heck yeah

48. Do you like your neighbors?: nope!

49. Bad habits?: I’m a picker

50. Where do you want to travel?: Seattle and Iceland

51. Do you have trust issues?: yes

52. Favorite part of your daily routine?: washing my face and getting in bed

53. What part of your body are you uncomfortable with?: what part am I NOT?

54. What do you do when you wake up?: Try to go back to bed

55. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?: I wish I was a bit more tan

56. Who are you most comfortable around?: my girlfriend and a few close friends

57. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?: I regret not breaking up with them sooner

58. Is your hair ponytail length?: nope!

59. Spell your name with your chin: fcbi

60. Do you play sports: I rock climb and do aerial silks

61. Live without TV or music?: TV

62. Have you liked someone and not told them?: yes

63. What do you say during awkward silences?: I panic awkwardly

64. Plans after high school?: college?

65. Do people deserve second chances?: sometimes

66. If you’re extremely quiet what does it mean?: I’m probably either thinking or having a very quiet existential crisis

67. Smile at strangers?: sometimes

68. Outer space or the bottom of the sea?: uuhhhhh

69. What are you paranoid of?: being unwanted

70. Meanest thing someone has said to you?: I can’t think of one particular thing but I’ve been threatened a bit

71. Nicest?: “I love you”

72. Have you done something you don’t want anyone to find it about?: yes

73. What was it?: nice try

74. What language do you want to learn?: ASL

75. Sexual orientation: ace but gay as heck

76. Best first date: my current partner but I don’t think we’ve gone on an official date just the two of us?

77. When was I born?: 4:52 pm

78. Do I use sarcasm?: Me? Never...

79. Eye color?: hazel but mostly green

80. Hair color?: currently brown

81. Favorite style of clothing?: grungeish

82. Meaning behind url?: Smol gay child

83. How I feel right now?: hungry

84. Current relationship status?: taken last time I checked

85. Do I get good morning/goodnight texts?: no

86. Have I shaved my legs in the last three days?: I think

87. Where am I right now?: my bed

88. When you last cried: few hours ago

89. Why?: panicking

90. Why your last relationship ended?: abusive

91. Who you wish you were with right now?: my girlfriend

92. How your day was?: ok

93. How your week was?: it’s Tuesday

94. How your year was?: bout as rough as everyone else’s

95. Story of my last kiss: my girlfriend kissed me on my birthday

96. Have I slept with anyone?: I’m ace

97. Gay rights?: Heck yeah bois

98. What would I name a daughter?: Maybe Alex?

99. Worst moment?: being helpless against others

100. Relationship with sibling(s)?: I love you I hate you come here go away

101. Most traumatic experience?: needing to go to the hospital and parts of my last relationship

102. Never have I ever: been to Niagara Falls, had chicken pox, shot a gun, been to another country

103. Would you change your name?: I already did

104. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?: they don’t really like kissing

105. Last person of the opposite sex you talked to?: other than family, a friend in college

106. Is there anyone you would die for?: yes, although I believe that someone dying for you is worse because you have to live with that, so... I would also live for someone?

Y’all should try this!

@justanotherqueerfan @creativedreamer1220

and anyone else who wants to :)

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heartcravings · 6 years ago

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50 Questions Tag!

@jongin-be-my-jagi tagged me for this a while ago, but I took my sweet time to answer. Here is my secret intel if you want to know me a little bit more!! Check hers as well, she’s an amazing writer and friend. 1. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr, my stupid procrastination prone brain and my thesis.��

2. What makes your day better? Friends and loved ones, music and these absolute dorks (Channie especially)

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I hopped on the mat today in the early hours of the morning, rain on my window and the neighbours cat peeking at me from his window across the street.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Wonderland, bacause it’s “curiouser and curiouser!”

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

5. Are you good at giving advice? I think so. Not so good at following my own advice though. I do always consider where the other is standing and if I don’t know how to proceed then I’ll just be honest and say I can’t help. But i’ll always listen with my heart.

6. Do you have any mental illnesses? Not diagnosed. I do think i might be going through something now.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, but i have a recurring nightmare: the world is made of black and white paper thin layers. I am a paper thin person walking along a street surrounded by paper thin buildings. I walk for a long time, looking up at the white sky. Until the street ends, there is no more building and i fall into the abyss of a blank page. I have had this dream since the age of 8 or 9 years old. Fear of not being good enough, you say?! Ding, ding, ding!! We got a winner in the back! 8. What musician inspired you the most? I get inspired by music all the time!! One of my all time favourite songs is Spanish Sahara by Foals. Its sublime!

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So I’d say I’m mainly inspired by these artists: Queen, Arctic Monkeys, Foals, Radiohead, Bowie, Daughter, Bob Dylan, Beirut, Yeah yeah yeahs, Arcade Fire, The National, Joy Division, Blur, Warpaint, Gorillaz, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Chet Baker, The Cure, Courtney Barnett, The Maccabees, Car Seat Headrest, Florence + The Machine, Editors, Kasabian, Crystal Fighters, Death Cab for a cutie, The Doors, Efterklang, Explosions in the Sky, Franz Ferdinand, The Horrors, James Blake, José Gonzalez, Los Campesinos!, Metronomy, Nick Cave, Nina Simone, Patrick Watson, Phoenix, Sharon Van Etten, The Shins, Simon & Garfunkel, The Smiths, St.Vincent, The Strokes, Toro y Moi, tricot, Tune-Yards, TV on the radio, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Vaccines, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The War on Drugs, Wild Beasts and Yo La Tengo.

And the electro, pop and hip-hop groves of my heart: EXO, 2NE1, Janelle Monáe, Big Bang, Kris Wu,LCD soundsystem, SBTRKT, Childish Gambino, Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Daft Punk.

And special mentions to the portuguese ones (learning from yixing and promoting when i can :P): Capicua, Joana Espadinha, The Legendary Tigerman, Linda Martini, Mayra Andrade, Noiserv, Ornatos Violeta, Paus, Samuel Uria, You Can’t Win Charlie Brown and The Silence 4. I know, tldr right? Sorry folks! 9. Have you ever fallen in love? Yes I have. I have mistaken a crush for love too. But i have definitely been very deeply in love. A wrecked kintsugi heart over here people! 10. What’s your dream date? I don’t think I have one. I’d love to do something unique with that someone special, something special for the two of us. It could be as simple as riding the subway while sharing earphones & listening to our playlist or walking the dogs out! Idk, I’m easy to please. But right now it would have to be with this handsome man :D pretty please?!

11. What do others notice about you? I am very kind and warm hearted, so I think that’s what people first notice when meeting me. Although I maintain good eye contact, I am also timid and will be quieter if there are very energetic people in the group. When alone, I usually take the first step and try to meet people, but only if i really must. 12. What’s an annoying habit you have? It’s really hard for me to ask for help. I also like to tell detailed descriptions of everything... Couldn’t you tell? 13. Do you still talk to your first love? I’ll text him on his birthday and he does the same to me. We met when we were 10 years old and that childhood friendship remains. But regarding my one and truly deep relationship, no we do not talk, unless we randomly meet.

14. How many exes do you have? I have three exes. The first love who was just an idealized crush on my childhood friend: we dated for 2 weeks during summer break xD Then my first real boyfriend, we met in my first year at university, dated for quite some time, he really loved me and made me love myself a little more. Finally the one i loved too much. I mended his wounds and made him love himself as much as I did. I always say all the love we feel makes our hearts grow bigger. I do not regret loving any of them, I am me now due to them and I would not change it if I could. 15. How many songs are in your playlist? I have way too many playlists for each and every mood... But my favourite songs list on spotify has about 1500 songs! uwu! 16. What instruments can you play? Triangles and flute?! I had mandatory music classes in school... so in reality I can’t really play a instrument...

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Probably my cat, Sushi. With a second close of my doodles and sketches.

18. Where would you like to go before you die? EVERY WHERE!!! But I really want to go to Japan and Scotland and Iceland and South Korea and New Zealand and i’ll shut up. 19. What’s your zodiac? Capricorn. 20. Do you relate to it? Sort of.

21. What is happiness to you? You know when it’s really cold outside in the winter and you manage to find a sheltered place where no wind can hit you and you still get to feel the warm rays of the winter suns on your skin? You hear the birds outside and you are contempt in that moment, at peace. That is happiness to me. 22. Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I am a bit lost. Trying to finish my thesis and trying to find what I want to do after. It’s liberating but also pretty scary. 23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? It’s a series of small decisions really. It started with going for a phd with the same people i worked in my msc. Should have gone to a different place. Then deciding to come home after a traumatic loss in the family. Should have kept my life going but I stalled it then. (I don’t regret helping my loved ones though).

24. What’s your favourite store? Probably Wishtrend for beauty stuff. Other than that I don’t have any favourite brands/stores. 25. (HALFWAY!) What’s your opinion on abortion? I think everyone is free to decide what they want or need to do. I couldn’t possible judge. If I would it? Probably not.

27. Do you have a favourite album? I don’t think so, I have favourite tunes for different moods and moments in my life. But if threatened with my life, I’d maybe say Total Life Forever from Foals.

28. What do you want for your birthday? It’s such a long time until my birthday comes! But maybe a real EXO ot9 reunion as a goodbye to Minseok?

29. What is most people’s first impression of you? Friendly and easy to open up to, i think.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? In real life, people usually think I am way younger than I am. 31. Where do you keep your phone when you’re sleeping? In the crook of my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame.

32. What word do you say the most? No idea really! 33. What’s the oldest age you’d date? 40s? I don’t think too much about age actually.

34. What’s the youngest age you’d date? 20s? Again not very important to me. Love is love, whomever, whenever and wherever <3

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you? I don’t know! People always say i don’t totally fit in anything... so there’s that. If you have an idea please let me know! 36. What’s your favourite music genre? Go back to question 8. I listen to everything! :D 37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? I’d like to live around the world, every few months a different place and get to know different cultures.

38. What is your current favourite song? I’ve been obsessed with RM’s intro/teaser song, Map of the Soul: Persona. (I’m not even a bts fan, but this music and lyrics just touched me a lot.)

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39. How long have you had this blog for? I think for about 6 years? It’s my personal space, where I dump all my obsessions.

40. What are you excited for? I’m visiting some friends in Granada in a couple of weeks. Yay, tapas!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Normally I am a better listener. But there are a few people to whom i open like a book. Either words flow right out of me without even thinking or they see throw me. Those truly are my people.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Prepped meals and cleaned the kitchen. Open the folder and file of my thesis. Read the latest chapter I wrote. 43. What do you want for Christmas? Well, just like for my birthday, there is still such a long time to it! But let’s say i want to have already finish this part of my life and want to find my next adventure.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? No more exams! Ehehe! But I used to have good grades at everything. Physical Education was my lowest mark i think.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now? Right now, a 4? I have a headache.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Smiling? :D I want to be happy in my own skin. To feel contempt in my life, doing something that gives me a sense of purpose and having time to share and enjoy with my friends and family. 47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Oh my kintsugi heart has been broken quiet a lot. By friends and lovers and even by myself. I keep patching it up with gold dreams though. 48. At what age do you wanna be married? I will only want to be married if i find the one. So until then I guess.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be an astronaut and a ballerina. Preferably both!

50. What do you crave right now? Just sitting somewhere and listening to Yeol play the guitar.

Well i finished it! :D I’ll tag @thedeviousdo @ohsenhun @hongseok and @paepsi. I’d love to read yours! Feel free to dismiss it though, it is quite a lot. Lots of love everyone!! <3 <3 <3

#50 questions tag #personal #sam's ramblings #mutuals #hope you enjoy reading about boring old me :)#it's very long i know! i talk too much

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well-hidden-hot-mess · 4 years ago

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another monday

well it’s 6:27am as i’m laying here in bed on a monday morning and just kinda want to get some thoughts out. idk if it’s because i need to work through them or if i need to clarify things or what but just kinda let them out of my head and see what happens. it’s not a rant because i don’t feel angry or anything negative, i just think i need to kinda talk it out. so that’s what i’ll do and hope that it clarifies why i’m feeling such a strong urge to do whatever it is i need to do with these thoughts/feelings so i can move on. it’s weird this feeling i’m having because it’s one i’m not used to. i’m not like venting because i’m mad like i said, i’m not feeling the need to like clear my head or idk, i just can’t explain it. it’s just very weird so hopefully me putting the words on “paper” aka screen will help accomplish my brain with whatever it’s trying to do with these things that keep floating around.

so the first is about my most recent ex. i mean we only dated for 2 months and were only happy for half of that but i saw an IG story with him and a new girl which based on the matching outfits and body language, i can tell it’s more than a friend. i was really upset about this when i saw it 2 days ago and i don’t know why. i’m not jealous because he’s dating someone else because i don’t want him at all, i just think i’m jealous that he was able to find someone else and i haven’t. honestly i haven’t tried at all so i can’t really complain but it’s like okay here’s this man child with all sorts of issues that i can’t even get myself to go into right now because i don’t want to start my day off mad and he can find someone else so quickly and here i am, in this shitty mental place, alone and even though i know i’m nowhere near in a good head space to attempt dating right now, i still want to have someone and feel that closeness and happiness with someone again. i just think it’s hard because with him, things were so beyond great at first and we skipped the awkward getting to know you phase because we clicked so well so fast that i felt like i had known him forever and to have something so great, such strong happy feelings go from 0 to 100 and then such a short time later come crashing down has just fucked with my brain/emotions a little bit. i finally after so long thought i had found someone that was the one and who made me happy and everything was great only to find out quickly after that we were just so not compatible at all and to be dumped back in that miserable like jail cell of loneliness again just makes it that much harder. now look, is he the right one for me? fuck no not at all. do i want him or want him to be the one? FUCK no. i’m gunna be petty for a second because i just want to and this might be the venting part of it but like i want/need someone who shows me they’re physically attracted to me and compliments me and who i have that sexual connection with (not just during sex but like all the time - like there’s passion there, not just a friendship connection where we have sex sometimes and that’s when it goes right back to friends... idk i’m not explaining it right but i know what i mean). like the fact that i felt like the pervert or the sex fiend for wanting to have sex more than like once a week in the beginning of a relationship (which is when people are normally fucking every chance they get and that fire is as bright as it’ll ever be) just is not going to work for me. like don’t get me wrong, i don’t want a 24/7 fuck fest but like if i’m standing naked in front of my partner after a shower or while getting changed and they’re not like making comments or trying to be sneaky and catch a glimpse at least some of the time, i want there to be some acknowledgement. it makes me feel really insecure like is he not attracted to me? like i’m a naked woman standing in front of you and you’re well aware i’m naked and you’d rather look at soccer jerseys online?? and if this happened like once or twice, fine but it was every single time and i had to initiate sex every single time and he COMPLAINED about me wanting to do it again like 3 days after the last round... look i know not everyone has the same appetite for this kinda thing but like come on... plus when it did happen, it lasted like 5 mins at most sometimes and it was just a tease and would give me lady blue balls and with each “round” i just became more and more sexually frustrated and never got that release. combine that with feeling insecure about my body and him never showing any interest in being physical or me like that in general, it’s gunna fuck a girl up. and it’s not like i’m looking for crazy acrobatic sex acts, i would just like to be able to like fuck, not make love but fuck, without 5 mins in, him having to finish because he feels like he’s going to have a heart attack at the age of 32. like what? i know i was spoiled with THE ex who would fuck the living daylights out of me every chance he got and was the best i’ve ever had by far (the crazier they are in the brain, the better they are in bed what can i say) but like going from that to a guy who showed like zero interest in doing it at all and said it wasn’t something he thought about or wanted that often... idk somethings wrong there because i should not be made feel like a nympho for wanting sex more than once a week. now was sex the only issue? no lol the list goes on and on and honestly, we just weren’t meant to be and i’m honestly fine with that. i’m not jealous that she’s with him or whatever, i’m jealous that he has someone and i don’t. that’s the bottom line of it. like i didn’t want to like text him when i saw it or like reminisce on the good times so it’s not about him as a person at all, it’s about how single i am and how badly i want to find my person and be happy with them even though the logical side of my brain knows that now is not the time. if someone happens to fall out of thin air and appear in my life, then yes i’m going to pursue it but i don’t think actively looking is the best idea right now until i figure some things out.

onto the next thing - i never in a million years thought that i would be talking about this or how much this would effect me but the election/trump. in the days leading up to biden winning when we didn’t know who it was going to be, my anxiety had been at an all time high and i knew it was related to that but i didn’t know why. like yes there’s the general he’s a waste of life and a piece of human garbage and having such a mentally fucked up person in charge has already fucked over so many people (the people he put in cages and separated from their families, trying to make abortions illegal again, the inciting of race issues/future wars and just pitting groups against each other and inciting violence, being such a terrible role model in how racist/problematic/rape-y/etc he is, the list goes on and on) but like i could tell it was something more. then out of nowhere a memory that i had suppressed for a few years until now just popped back into my head. it was on my birthday like 3/4 years ago where dani and i were walking home after having like a perfect night and had the perfect buzz going and life was great. until some random guy came up to us on the 3 block walk back to her apartment and i could tell something bad was going to happen but i figured it’d be the usual creepy comments and that would be the end of it. but no he came up and probably said some creepy stuff (not sure, that part of the memory didn’t come back) and then did what trump said he did all the time to women he wanted to have sex with aka “grab them by the pussy” and then as dani and i were running away, he said something along the lines of “what, i just wanted to grab the pussy” or something along those lines, again my memory is a little hazy since now i was just traumatized. but i know for a fact he referenced it in the midst of all of this. if dumbass trump didn’t put that out there and say it’s “okay” to do and not a big deal and just what he does, who knows if this guy would’ve done that at all or said that or some combo of that if he wasn’t influenced by him. maybe all he needed was the “okay” to act on his urges and trump and his comments gave him that so he was like well if the president says he does it and it’s no big deal, then i can do it and that’s how you treat women. so i think that’s why my subconscious was making my anxiety go into a tailspin and into overdrive. so that was an interesting connection that i made and it kinda just put that anxiety into focus and i felt a relief having a “reason” for it because this anxiety made my chest feel tighter than it ever has and like i could only do shallow breaths and even during yoga and meditation/hypnosis i couldn’t get my body to unclench. once biden was announced, i let out an audible sigh of relief and i felt a physical weight lift off my body and it felt so good. but then i realized that it wasn’t fully gone and there was still some left over and that was kind of a bummer but i’m going to focus on the good and that i’m not as “bad” as i was. so yeah, that was an emotional roller coaster ride that i’m not sure i’m fully off of yet but i’m happy it happened because it’s showing that i’m not just numbing my feelings and actually feeling them and not numbing bad feelings or events like this one and actually working through them, which is a huge step forward for me.

okay i have more to say but it’s almost 8am and i need to start my day. i would say maybe i’ll be back later but we all know that’s not going to happen so see ya when i see ya.

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juliejewelz · 6 years ago

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Abortion Laws and My Story

I will try to keep things short but enough to get some of you pro-life to understand what can happen if this bill passes.

By the time your daughter, sister, aunt, mother, or grandmother have been put in a position she can no longer make decisions regarding her own body. Is when the world will have no peace between genders or society at that! How terrifying too think?

In this situation a woman, victim, was violated without her consent and got pregnant by the man who raped her. There will be no choice but to keep that baby she will forever love but be reminded of the day that traumatized her for life. And every time the mother will lock eyes with her baby who has the same eye color, skin tone, and lips of the man who viciously tore her clothes off and ripped her soul right out of her chest. Will remain in her life even if he was only sentenced in prison for not even a decade. Then imagine years from now that baby who is now a teenager asks, ”who and where is my daddy?” The mother freezes, paralyzed, as if she just saw a ghost. How does someone answer such a question to their own child? You can overthink that situation if you’d like.

But if the woman who was raped found out that she was pregnant by 5 to 7 weeks. She wouldn’t be able too because of the heartbeat bill. It is very common that the majority of women who find out their pregnant are about 6 to 12 weeks pregnant! By then the baby will already have a heartbeat and by law they cannot go forward with getting an abortion. Unless she would be doing it in a manner that could risk her life illegally. But this is the messed up part, if the man wanted the unborn baby he can sue the woman for aborting his baby. I’m not exactly sure how that works but it’s 2019. And if that doesn’t yell out, “women will no longer have rights” I don’t know what is.

Now, here’s the other kicker that might keep you open minded, thoughtful and start respecting a women’s choice whether she decides what to do with her body or not. A daughter, high school junior, age 17 opened herself up to the boy she once loved. Wasn’t on birth control let alone didn’t have a gynecologist! She lived with her father while her mother was living miles away in a different state somewhere along the east coast of the United States. All because her step father was an incredible manipulator towards her mother and she put him first before her own children. The daughter who moved in with her father was learning how the world worked everyday. Months go by and the boy she once loved broke her heart! And a week after their break up, she took a pregnancy test that came back positive. Devastated, tears stream down her cheeks, legs start to shake, heart starts to pound, and places her hands over those sweet high school lips so that her father can’t hear her crying. She wasn’t ready to be a mother but she weighed out her pros and cons! Deep down inside she knew having a baby would be a beautiful thing, an experience you can’t share with just anyone other than another mother, but she was only 17 years old still in high school. She was naive at the time being with a boy she once thought she loved who didn’t want anything to do with her or the baby. How disappointing to hear but not a surprise coming from young teenagers!

A week goes by from finding out the young girl was pregnant, she needed to tell someone. Another girl who she thought was her best friend but betrayed her down the road! Later on the young pregnant girl also told her father as well who helped make the best decision for her. So, here comes the hard part in this story I’m about to finish off to you.

The pregnant high school junior decided that she needed to do what was best for both of their futures. She was living in an apartment where mold was growing from the ceiling in the bathroom, ants walking along the dishes that were left dirty in the sink for weeks, cat boxes piled high with their feces, the only bedroom that was clean was the young girls but couldn’t fit her own belongings in there, and an abusive father and a brother who couldn’t stop drinking at the time. While the young girl who is also trying to graduate high school and work part time to get out of that living situation. You tell me if that environment is healthy for a newborn? And that young girl was me...

Appointment #1 The Ultrasound:

The abortion clinic had protesters in front of the building so my father and I had to go in the building from the back. Inside was dark, musky, and still under construction at the time. When we walked in the elevator it sounded as if it was going to fall. The waiting room was quiet full of long faces from other women who were there for the same reason I was. The nurse looked at the fetus inside of me from an ultrasound. They asked if I wanted to hear the heartbeat and see the screen. I refused. After, I talked with the doctor too confirm I was making the right choice and told me I was six weeks pregnant. Underneath my breath as I’m about to cry once more I said, “yes!” We left that day knowing we were coming back soon!

Appointment #2 The Payment:

We went there to pay for the procedure that would change my life forever. This surgery is not cheap but having a baby who would become an infant, toddler, child, preteen, teenager, and adult would be my responsibility for the rest of my existence. I wasn’t prepared for that mentally and physically. The doctor wanted to talk to us one last time for a couple of minutes to understand my feelings and concerns that led me too this. I explained then made the third appointment to come back. We left after that!

Appointment #3 April 26th, 2014 The Procedure:

I told my ex boyfriend what I was planning on doing just to see if he would be a little worried about me or even change my mind. Instead he threatened to block my number, move out of state, and never be apart of the babies life. I held my fathers hand the whole ride there, crying so much too the point my t-shirt was soaked. As we’re walking inside the building, still crying, looking down at my feet in this broken elevator. We entered the waiting room, it was dark again from the dimmed lights. Long after checking in, my name was called. They took me into this other room where I needed to change into the gown I would be wearing during the procedure. Then pointed at the closet and told me to change in there. It was an uncomfortable feeling I had in my heart and chest as I was cramped in this closet stripping my clothes down to my ankles. Shortly after that, I was placed in the procedure room. I will forever remember asking to hold the male nurses hand before they put me too sleep. I asked him as I left a tear down my face, “Am I going to be okay? Will everything be okay?” He didn’t respond. I shut my eyes and fell asleep! I don’t know how long it took but I woke up in a different room with blood pouring down my thighs, vanilla wafer cookies and a cup of warm apple juice beside me. Screaming and crying for my father as I’m in pain it took a couple of minutes for a nurse to come check on me. I just wanted OUT! But another woman who was on a bed stretcher applauding the nurse and doctor for how amazing they did as they entered in the same room as me. She didn’t seem upset at all for what she just went through! And it came to mind that this wasn’t the woman’s first rodeo. I don’t remember leaving the building but I remember the car ride home! It was a nightmare, I was hurting so bad, I held my fathers hand more than I ever did in my life, and I knew from that day on I would never put myself in that position again...

I wouldn’t be where I am today, who I am today, or see myself as happy as I am now if I didn’t do what I needed to do five years ago. I think about it all the time, my life would be a complete turn around if I had a four almost five year old walking around yelling, “mommy mommy mommy” but I don’t. And I wish I was never put in that position but if abortions weren’t here today. I wouldn’t have graduated high school, my baby and I would be in an unhealthy living environment, the baby wouldn’t have a father figure in its life, I wouldn’t be able to provide a happy living for that baby and it sickens me til this day. I believe that there should be a limit too having an abortion and not take it away when a woman finds out she’s pregnant at 5 to 7 weeks pregnant when the heartbeat is there. There is ALWAYS a reason for these things. And us as woman should ALWAYS have the right to do what we want to do with our bodies! Even if that means going through such a traumatic situation. It shouldn’t define us as women being any less than who we are. And the ones who take advantage of that should not be able to proceed too choose rather than grow up like the rest of us!

#heartbeatbill istandforabortions besmart dontjudge womensrights

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jam2289 · 6 years ago

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Explorations in Business - Part 3 of ?

This is my third time trying to write this article in the last two weeks.

Here was my last attempt.

- - - - - - -

I always wanted to have an interesting life, and I do.

I have done the classics like mountain climbing, skydiving, alligator wrestling, whitewater rafting, running with bulls, scuba diving, ice luging, road tripping, etc. I officiated my second wedding this weekend, I just arranged to borrow the staffs, swords, and dueling pistols for one of my four speeches at the Harry Potter festival in Sparta, Michigan this summer, I'm writing notes for the comic book I'm working on, and the philosophy papers I'm working on, and the fictional tales I'm working on, and I'm editing horror stories for the "Horror Without Borders" anthology for the Russian publisher I'm working with. All of that just starts to hit on the interesting things I've done, but I have a bit of a problem.

Since I've focused so much on doing interesting things that almost all of the values I've fulfilled in life have been experiential values, and that's become a strong habit now. What my life is mostly missing is the productive side of the equation, the creative values. Obviously I've started to change that, that's what the writing is about and that's what starting the business is about. But, the transition is not smooth. Rewiring the brain is not easy or fast. In a general sense you could say I have developed the skill of consuming life, but not the skill of producing life.

remuneration, just and unjust society, catallactics and cratics

Two weeks ago I put the MeditateWithJeff.com website up. I posted it to a number of groups about pain and meditation. Only the pain groups make sense. I had a few people go to the site. I didn't accurately track it because I just used the cheapest version of Weebly. But, 11 people watched the video I had on the site. It was a Youtube link, so some might have come from there, but I set it up so that you would probably only get to the video through the website. But, only three people filled in any part of the survey section that I had set up. Out of that only one person filled in the contact information.

- - - - - - -

Normally when I start writing an article I just grind on it until it's done, I go through it once for editing, and I hit publish. I had to stop on this article because I had a chiropractic appointment, and when I got back the words just weren't coming out anymore.

To finish the idea that I started in that aborted article, I sent an email to Wendy saying that I would like to talk about what she thought of what I was doing with meditatewithjeff.com and how I could make it the most helpful for her. Let me look up the actual email because maybe my communication is just bad, but she never responded. Here's the email.

- - - - - - -

Hi, I appreciate you filling out the info on my site. If it's possible I would like to get on a video conference with you this week. The survey questions are great, but more can be learned when you're really talking to someone. Is there a time on Wednesday that would work?

Jeff Martin

- - - - - - -

Apparently I need to get better at writing those. One of the other people that responded to the survey questions said that they really wanted me to reach out to them so that we could talk, but they didn't give me any contact information.

I had planned to have at least one conversation before doing anything else. When that one conversation never happened I just didn't do anything else. It's kind of pathetic, a complete lack of initiative. It saddens me to observe this in myself. So, we will dive deep and fast into what's wrong with my psychology and how I might fix it, then I will jump into a bunch of business decisions that I need to work out.

Here's the problem, when I had my misadventure in Africa a few years ago it was a bit traumatic. It was definitely dramatic. I've been traumatized before and it took me years to learn how to fix that, but I did. Now that I have that knowledge it's not too hard to use it again. Trauma isn't really an issue for me anymore. The issue came after the event itself.

Over the next couple of years my ability to do anything was hammered into the ground. I lost my physical abilities to the point of not being able to walk across the street to get the mail without having to take multiple breaks to lean on cars and catch my breath. I lost my short term ability to the point where I could only repeat back three numbers at a time, the average is about 7 or 8, and with the collapes of my short term memory down went my IQ too. Losing long term memories was the scariest part. It's trippy to realize that you've forgotten things you used to know, because you're not sure what else you've forgotten and you have no way of founding out. It feels like your life is being erased. Without these abilities you can't really do anything in life. One failure can be recovered from, two failures can be ignored, three failures can be overcome, you can convince yourself to keep trying after four failures. Eventually though, eventually it wears you down.

Those couple of years wore me down. I'm not sure how many years they took off my lifespan, it was not insignificant. But the detrimental thing that happened is that it erased my idea of my future self. It was hard realizing that I was no longer how I defined myself. I used to think of myself as an intelligent adventurer. I could no longer call myself either of those things. That's bad. It's worse to realize that you don't really have any reason to make plans for the future. If you can't do anything and you're losing your memory then your future is short, there's just no reason to construct an idea of a future self.

When I think of myself in the future I think of nothing. I don't see myself in the future. I see the future as being without me. That's no longer the case at this point. My health is doing pretty well. I joined the high IQ society Mensa after having brain damage. I should have ideas about my future because I have a future, there's just been a lag in my mind building that future self again.

I noticed this problem sometime in the last two years, this not being able to think of myself in the future outside of the next couple of months. And that's a problem, because it's a problem that I haven't been able to address. I've been working on it. I've been writing out goals, ideas, and plans. I have a ton of plans for writing projects. I've developed a value chart based on an expansion I made to the work done by psychologist Viktor Frankl. I've used a technique adapted from psychologist Carl Jung to incorporate dissociated parts of my personality that have shown up in various dreams and such. These things have helped. They've changed my personality to some extent, but not enough.

Which brings me to what I need to do. This is what I think has the best chance of causing a significant personality change in a positive direction, but it's uncomfortable just thinking about it. That's often a good sign that you're on the right path. The psychologist Jordan Peterson talks about how the Soviet writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn did it when he was in the gulags. You need to figure out every major mistake you've made in your life. You need to look at every major thing that has gone wrong, why and how it went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you should have done.

The reason that we have memories is so that we can do better at living in the future. I do not see myself as doing better at living in the future. I want to. I think that it's logical that I could, but it feels inauthentic. So it's reasonable to think that I have ineffectively adjusted to my surroundings because I made the wrong choices about how to perceive and act in the world. If I could process those decisions and make better ones then it's reasonable to think that I would change my ability to live.

It only makes sense to do this in writing because writing is thought that you can refine. So, that is an uncomfortable process that I will soon start on my blog at JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com, JeffThinks.com, and/or Jeff.Irish. I am logically looking forward to it, emotionally I am not.

Now, back to the business. The FounderCo meeting in Holland went well today. It was focused on marketing. I am a step behind that, still trying to find the product-market fit. Or, more traditionally labeled as market research and product development. Or, more honestly labeled as trying to figure out what the heck I'm selling and who I'm selling it to.

My idea in one sentence is something like this: I help people with chronic pain use meditation to change their perception of that pain so that they can live and function better. Every time I say it, it comes out a little differently.

The mentor I sat down with today was also a Jeff. There are a lot of us. Jeff was throwing ideas at me off the cuff after I started him down the path of my idea and explained where I was in the process. Here's his basic perspective. What I need to do is get clear about my customer persona. Then I need to find out what makes my solution different and position my company in that way. I could kill my business right at the start with pricing so I should talk to a number of potential customers to try to feel that out. I should know more about my competitors. I need to work on getting strategic referral partners. I should develop some cheap lead products that will help people to trust me so that they will buy more expensive programs. I also need to find some credibility.

That's all pretty good stuff. Things I have to think about. Hard problems.

My discussion group was interesting. It's a valuable part of the meeting. Liz asked me what my gimmick was after I told her the basic idea of MeditateWithJeff.com. I was a bit confused by that and said that the closest thing to a gimmick that I have is my personal story. It took several minutes to tell, but it seemed to connect with people. In person I connect well, especially when telling stories. It's all of that practice in Toastmasters meetings. I think the story can be my credibility and eliminate the need for any kind of gimmick. I hope so because otherwise I don't have credibility and I don't like gimmicks.

For the last part of the meeting I talked with Hailey about literature. It was great. I have a lot of good conversations with a lot of interesting people, but that was the most engaging one for me in the last few weeks. It's funny because I came away from that discussion feeling enlivened, and knowing a few things of note about Hailey. But, she now knows quite a lot about me for such a short discussion. She has the skill of listening in spades. I didn't fully realize that until I was walking away. A great skill to have.

So, business decisions. Let's see what I can work out here. Here's another version of my one sentence that I wrote down: I help people in chronic pain learn to perceive that pain in a new and more manageable way.

That sounds pretty good. One issue is that this isn't completely true. It's a statement that might be true in the future if things go well. Eric Weinstein is the capital investment manager for billionaire Peter Thiel. He talks about what success takes. It's about crossing an adaptive valley. Imagine you're on a hill in one spot. You can't go any higher. But, you can see a mountain. Now, to get to that mountain you not only have to climb, you also have to go down this hill and across the valley. When you start you're not even sure you can do it. You say you can do it, and then we find out if you really can when you try. That's what that statement is, it's on the other side of the adaptive valley.

One thing I think I am making progress on is describing what the problem with chronic pain is and how that might change. It's been getting better verbally as I've talked with people about it. The basic idea is that the pain takes up all of your awareness. You can't focus on anything else, you can't think of anything else. It's like one of the warning lights coming on in your car. Maybe you need an oil change. But, instead of just having a light come on, there's a siren with flashing lights right in the middle of your car. You cover your ears, but now you've let go of the steering wheel. You have to grab on again. The lights are flashing in your eyes and you can't think with all of the sound. That's what intense chronic pain is like, it takes over your entire awareness.

We're not trying to turn off the warning light. Actually, we want the warning light on. Today at the business meeting Liz asked me if I have made myself impervious to other types of pain. I have not. And, I don't want to. I still want to be aware of the pain in my neck and head. The pain is there for a reason. It's important to be able to feel it to be aware of things getting better or worse. If I do something that throws my spine too far out of place I will start to get cognitive issues in just a few days in a small way. If I went a few weeks without a chiropractic adjustment in that situation I would start to have fairly severe memory issues again. I need to know if there's an issue, I need to be aware of the warning signal.

All I want to do is turn off the flashing lights and siren. I don't need those. I know there's an important problem and I'm doing my best to fix the situation. But I can't fully fix it. I will remain aware of it and monitor it, but I need to be able to function in life. I need to be able to do things. So I need to turn off those lights and siren, and that's what I do with my meditation technique.

A business consultant at the meeting asked me how often I meditate. I think my answer surprised him. I'm inconsistent. I meditate here and there. I've found that to manage the pain I probably need to meditate every few weeks. I think the longest I've gone without meditating was two months and still managed it fairly well. A lot of people meditate to stay calm and focused. I think that for that thing then daily practice is probably important, but it's completely different for chronic pain management. The need fluctuates based on what's happening in your life.

I think a key part of my customer persona is that they are committed. I think that this will often go with desperation in the case of chronic pain. That's unfortunate, but it's the reality. I've been there. And that's the point, to help them. I think this contradicts the idea of having cheap products and services. Then people can just "try it out." Well, that's not going to work. If you just play with this what's going to happen is that it's going to be uncomfortable and then you're going to quit. I'm fairly tough. I broke my collarbone in football practice when I was 13. I didn't even take a break. I kept practicing. I didn't go to the doctor. I didn't miss a practice. I didn't miss a game. I had issues holding my arm up. I couldn't get in my stance on that hand and had to rest it across my thigh. It was harder to hold onto the ball. It hurt like hell. I was stupid. But I played the whole second half of the season with that collarbone healing on its own. So, I think I can say that I'm fairly tough, but I almost quit using this meditation technique for the pain issues in my spine. It's not easy.

I think that's why I might go against almost everyone's advice and not do a cheap product. The people that I'll have have tried other things and they didn't work, they've been waiting for the pain to go away and it hasn't, they're desperate and committed, and willing to take a plunge and see what happens. Maybe I could have a video that essentially lays out how to do everything. Maybe I sell this for... I have no idea. Let's say 200 dollars? Then, if you want to really dive in you can join the group. The first month is 500 dollars and includes three private sessions. The normal monthly fee after that is 100 dollars a month and we do a weekly live call. I'm not sure that makes sense.

I think I need to engage local pain groups, but I kind of want to go to them with something. I need to reach out to people with lists, but I want to have something before I do that too. Maybe I could reach out to these people before I have anything and say what I'm trying to do. That might work. Maybe I could just write my story and reach out with that.

I will probably incorporate some mention of pain in a speech I give this month. Not a specific focus on this, but hitting on it somewhat. That will continue my development of articulating this subject.

I think that maybe I should just be trying to arrange calls with potential customers rather than any type of survey.

I should develop a FAQ section. I think that might help me to figure out what people will be confused or unsure about and address it. I got that idea from the meeting two weeks ago. There were a lot of people that do marketing and advertising for a living at that meeting. It was interesting to hear their ideas about how I should structure my products. There's a bit of consensus that I should sell something cheap, but I see problems on that path. Matt mentioned that he got some business advice before which was to do the opposite of what people say. I pointed out that the problem with that is that the advice isn't really consistent, so what should I do the opposite of if the opposite of one suggestion is just another suggestion from someone else. How do you decide who to be contradictory to? I joked that maybe I should do nothing because no one had proposed that so it would be the opposite of everyone. Unfortunately, that is closest to what I've done over the past two weeks.

Here's a similar problem. This is my list of favorite business books.

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Positioning by Al Ries and Jack Trout

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way by Jim Lundy

Zero to One by Peter Thiel

The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle

Sell or Be Sold by Grant Cardone

The Knack of Selling Yourself by James Mangan

Good Profit by Charles Koch

Magnetic Sponsoring by Mike Dillard

The Art of the Start by Guy Kawasaki

The Leadership Crisis and the Free Market Cure by John Allison

The Millionaire Messenger by Brendon Burchard

How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling by Frank Bettger

Breakthrough Advertising by Eugene Schwartz

Principles by Ray Dalio

Scientific Advertising by Claude Hopkins

How to Win at the Sport of Business by Mark Cuban

My Life and the Principles for Success by Ross Perot

Hackers and Painters by Paul Graham

How Power Selling Brought Me Success in Six Hours by Pierce Brooks

Straight Line Persuasion by Jordan Belfort

The Millionaire Fastlane by M J DeMarco

Shoe Dog by Phil Knight

Not Fade Away by Peter Barton

Dare to Succeed by Mark Burnett

Losing My Virginity by Richard Branson

- - - - - - -

The problem is that there is a lot of contradictory advice in there. I remember Grant Cardone talking about how you could have success following his advice or the advice of Dave Ramsey, but not both.

I think that I might be thinking too low on the price. I feel weird with high price things because I've had little interaction with high price things, but it's useful because my margins would be high enough to be able to afford advertising, and then my fate would be in my own hands.

Let's try to think in some unusual ways. I often do that on accident anyway.

The three major objections that you usually have to address for most products are: not enough time, not enough money, won't work for me.

Can I answer any of these in odd ways?

"I don't have enough time."

"You're right. If it's not a priority in your life then you don't have the type of issue that I address."

"I don't have enough money."

(I feel for these people, I really do, because I have been in this situation my entire life.)

"You're right. If you can't find the money for this then it hasn't become a high enough priority for you."

(I don't feel good about that one. What if I had some sort of scholarship program? Maybe.)

"This won't work for me."

"You're right. The number one predictor of success is the number of times you're willing to try. It won't work for someone that won't try, and try again."

That's an interesting line of thought. I was having trouble thinking about who my customer persona should be, and when I was looking through "Positioning" they mentioned that you could figure out who shouldn't use your product. I immediately thought of people that are "just interested." The people that are just dabbling won't find success with my technique. Having a lot of those customers just means that I would have a high failure rate. So, what about just eliminating them?

I'm still having trouble figuring out what my product offer should really be. I started with the idea of a few personal sessions and then daily group calls. Now I'm thinking weekly calls that will be recorded and available because how many people are going to show up if I have these calls daily? I don't know, but I think it might be low. Maybe I should have a cheaper video on the front end.

What if I just did personal consultations at high prices and then worried about scaling and such later? I don't know.

I do think that I have a decent schedule worked out for a group call.

- - - - - - -

Welcome

Short version of my story

Why we do this, what works, what doesn't

How we do this

Awareness games

Meditation

Good session example

Non-satisfactory session example

Good session example

Questions

- - - - - - -

And I've found this marketing format that I like.

- - - - - - -

Who it's for

Problem

Why their current method won't solve their problem

How I discovered what works

How to get it

- - - - - - -

Some version of a combination of those things might work well for a webinar.

It's late. I'm tired. I have to teach in a few hours. I will have to think on this more tomorrow.

________________________________________________

You can find more of what I'm doing at http://www.JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

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sini-sterility · 8 years ago

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Y’all finally get my backstory now.

@weaponizedhorse I FINISHED FINALLY

Alright motherfuckers, you asked for it; you're gonna fucking get it. You've finally unlocked Sini's tragic backstory.

Let's begin with the childhood depression due to intense emotion abuse and manipulation, causing me to try to kill myself, not once, but twice before the age of ten. However, it seems that my body liked the idea, because within two months of turning ten, my legs began to go numb, and I would experience random pain. I told the nurse at school; she didn't believe me. Stir this mixture of reckless negligence and bitchy old-lady nurse until two years have passed, and I am now completely paralyzed in constant literal agony 24/7, to the extent of not being able to sleep, stand, sit, lounge; you name it.

I wasn't nauseus, but the pain was so horrible that I would fake getting sick every day in order to stay home and not face the ridicule the least liked person in my entire school (I am honestly not exagerrating. I got into my school's spelling bee, and was the last 6th grader standing. They called your name, you stood up, waved to the crowd, and they cheered. They got to me, and I shit you not, less than 1/5th of the 6th grade class, none of the other students, and three teachers clapped, and that was as good as I got. Maybe I was annoying or something, I don't know. I was a very, very quiet kid, so I actually don't know what their deal was; there were much uglier people there than me, too) would get from acting like they can't feel their limbs or stand up, or be constantly hunched over in pain.

So I'd stay home with my dad and watch old cowboy shows, trying to ignore the pain. I remember how we treated it was Icy-Hot and a fuck-ton of Ibuprofen.

Eventually, my bullshit quack of a doctor finally clued in that, no, I was not just suffering from a particularly bad UTI. She actually fucking told us that I had a UTI. Because UTI's are reknown for causing pain so bad you literally can't think straight.

So, one day, a week after my 12th birthday (which was the saddest shit you've ever heard of; my mom made my favorite cake and my favorite food (Flan Cake and Chicken Curry), my Godmother was there with a bunch of books, I had a few really cool presents; my sister Shirley even got me a hair straightener at Goodwill, because I'd finally learned that thick curly hair with the mind of it's own (that mind being one of a psychopath) didn't stand a chance against hot iron. They sang happy birthday to me, and I remember that after they finished, I just put my head down on the table in cried. It was the single saddest moment of my life, aside from April (which is another can of worms all together, and very few people know about it).

Anyway, a few days after my mom took me to the doctor, and at this point I had given up on trying to present any semblence of an ability to walk or feel anything at all, so I was in a wheelchair. The doctor saw how much pain I was in (fucking finally), and that I truly felt no sensation anywhere, and immediately sent me to a Neurologist in Indy.

We got there an hour later, and the Neurologist took one look and ordered an emergency MRI – that turned out to be a very traumatizing experience, as the even more amplified pain (metal + back issues of the highest caliber + loud noises + bright flashing lights = Literal torture. To this day I can't go in MRI machines without being knocked out (But I secretly love it because I get to play a little game I like to call 'Resist'. It's basically the game they have you do where you count up to or down from 100, only you ask the Anesthesiologist to push the anesthetic in as slowly as possible, and start counting. When you start to feel it kicking in, you count as fast as possible. My record is 128 bitches <3).

They were only able to get 15 minutes of an MRI with me, before the panic and pain were too much for me and I started convulsing. After that, they checked me into the hospital overnight while they went over the results.

You know that shit's bad when the next day the ICU Oncologist comes in at 7 am the next morning to tell your mom that you need emergency surgery right away, but don't tell you why.

It turned out that I had stage 4 (better known as terminal) Neuroblastoma. There were three main problematic tumors; one that was slung over my left shoulder and attached to the upper left lobe of my lung (bigass motherfucker holy shit it was enormous. They had to cut out a piece of my lung to get ride of (most) it.), one the size of a softball pressing on my brain, just above the temple (They drilled my skull open, and scooped it off my scalp like a blob of strawberry preserves, which is what it looks like anyway btw. They were nice enough to honor a request I made, and take a picture of the tumor. BUT THEY DIDN'T FUCKING SEND IT TO ME, THEY SENT IT TO MY DAD VIA TEXT, AND WE ENDED UP LOSING THE DAMN THING >:O), and then the worst one; the mac daddy of Neuroblastoma tumors.

It was a long, thick, malignant tumor that had infused itself with my spine, and was subsequently cutting off my spinal cord – thus causing all of the pain and the paralysis and numbness. It gave me a hella sweet scar though, shit looks like a zipper along my spine!

After they removed what they could of the spinal tumor (which still to this day causes me a great deal of pain. I'm on 10 mgs of Oxycodine up to 6 times a day, and more often than not I need 7 pills in one day.), they told my parents that I had maybe two months to live. That they were going to send me home with them with a car full of all the medical supplies they could spare us, and that I was going to be very dead, very soon.

Needless to say, everyone was shocked when the third month rolled around and I was still alive – and learning how to walk again. It's taken me 6 years to be able to walk up and down stairs, and depending on the treatment or how long they keep me in the hospital, I occasionally still need my walker. (Sparkly red thing with little stickers all over it. I think we gave it to my grandma, but I'm not sure?) They upped my prognosis to 6 months and then it would be all over, but by then Obamacare went into effect, and that got the ball rolling for CHIPS, and that little thing that so many Americans hate because they “don't want to pay for a stranger's abortions!” (actual reason I was given once. I know that there are real reasons, but I still am okay with paying a little bit extra each month so that another kid who's like I was six years ago today, might have a chance to beat the odds in an overwhelming way. Again, that's just me, and I'm probably over simplifying the matter.), is most likely the main reason I'm still alive.

See, because I was accepted into two (or maybe three, I'm not sure?) forms of health insurance because of the Obamacare plan, I was able to begin treatments within almost a month of diagnosis. After four months passed, they began to fit and train me to use a wheelchair at home, as it was an impossibility that I would ever walk again (or use fine motor control for that matter).

Two months after that, just six months after being told I was already dead; six months of hellish PT and OT; six months of taking chemo and painkillers and throwing up blood – and I fucking walked out of that God forsaken hospital with my walker and my family.

That was six years ago. My body is still healing, and I've had plenty of physical and psychological horrors since ( ie. Kathleen aka 'The ex that raped me last year', my mother becoming even more abusive towards me, to the point of egging me on in cutting myself, and losing most of my cats because they were outdoor and we weren't around enough for most of them to want to stay, for starters. Fortunately, the one that did stay was my kitty, Alice. She moved into my current house with my dad and I after my dad won sole custody of me during their divorce (those two NEVER should have gotten married, they hate each other so fucking much.), and she's been a driving force in my will to live and fight ever since. The week she went missing was the most miserable week of my life.) the beginning, but I've got something I never had as a child now; a will to live. A reason to live. It's honestly the reason I still believe in God, as twisted as that sounds. I had actually been begging God to just kill me and get it over with in the weeks leading up to my diagnosis, and though it seems like being told you have terminal (which, just incase some of you guys don't know this, does not actually mean that you're totally deadsies; it means that there are no approved treatments or treatments that are proven to be effective, so you have the two options of going home or staying in the hospital while they make you as comfortable as possible as you wait to die a slow, horrible death of cancer; or you subject yourself to potentially deadly, painful, and horrible experimental trials to try and find a cure for yourself and others like you. Guess which one I picked! Ahh, the stories I could tell you... I'd be willing to write another one of these if anyone is interested in my hospital horror stories.) cancer would be your answer in the affirmatory. But for some reason, that's not how I took it. I took it as a sign that I'm supposed to live, at least for as long as I'm needed to do something to make the world better. It sounds crazy; superstitious; egomaniacal to say this, but when I think about everything I've been through, the multiple attempts at killing myself yet living through each time, and the overwhelming feeling I got when I was told I was as good as dead, but I honestly feel like I'm supposed to do something big, even mildly so. I don't know what, but that thought drives me every day to quite literally be that change that I want to see in the world.

I haven't made a suicide attempt ever since diagnosis; I rarely try or succeed to hurt myself anymore, and when I get in that state, my first move is to call up my sister Lilly, or talk to @typical-atheist-scumbag, or even talk to my dad nowadays, rather than just go ahead and grab a razor blade. I'm entirely about absolution and forgiveness as long as a person is genuine, and I try to be as passive and understanding – yet not quite neutral – to other people's beliefs as I possible can be. I stretch myself thin trying to help other people, but I honestly feel all the better for it.

This lovely little “inspirational” (*eyes roll into the back of my head*) piece isn't even half of it, but it's the major stuff. I included that bit at the end to show that even though I've had a pretty bullshit lot in life, I absolutely refuse to let it kick me down.

You may laugh at how stupid and pretentious I sound now.

#inspirational #Sini's Backstory #Cancer #Neuroblastoma #Religion #Religious #Christian #Lutheran #Self harm #Self-Harm #tw #abuse #rape #mental abuse #mental disorder #terminal cancer

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nuclearblastuk · 8 years ago

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SEPULTURA | UNVEIL NEW MUSIC VIDEO FOR

'PHANTOM SELF'

Brazilian heavy metal icons, SEPULTURA, will unleash their upcoming studio album, Machine Messiah, on January 13th through Nuclear Blast. With their new music video 'Phantom Self' they provide another thrilling look into their 14th studio release, delivering haunting images and sociocultural criticism in this clip directed by Mauricio Eça: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0mDeaivvi8 "'Phantom Self' starts with a short intro based on the Brazilian rhythm 'Maracatú', original from the Northeast region of Brazil", explains mastermind Andreas Kisser. "We mixed this very Brazilian sound with violins performed by a Tunisian violin ensemble, the Myriad Orchestra. This was a suggestion from Jens Bogren, the producer of the album, who worked with this orchestra before and he thought it could be a nice combination. We used the violins on different parts of the song and that opened a lot of new possibilities, specially for my guitar parts, it was great to have that conversation between guitar and violins making the part even more special. It’s a very heavy song, with a lot of groove, one of the most complete songs we ever worked with and it’s taking SEPULTURA to a new level!" Singer Derrick Green adds: "The lyrical idea came from an article that Andreas sent me. It was about a young man who had everything going for him and unfortunately was in a horrific car accident in the 70's. After the accident he lost his entire idea of who he was. No one could figure out what was going on inside his mind. He would have glimpses of his former self but doctors realized that chemical elements of his mind had shifted. He had become an entirely different person within himself. There is this element of change that exists within all of us. This ability is important for our evolution as human beings to move forward even after traumatic events." Pre-order Machine Messiah: Limited edition clear and bi-coloured vinyl or CD/DVD Digibook + Canvas Artwork Print bundle From the Nuclear Blast UK Store: http://nblast.de/SepulturaNBUK Limited edition CD/DVD Digibook, CD, Vinyl & Vinyl Picture Disc from Amazon UK: http://nblast.de/SepulturaMMAmz Pre-order the digital version (incl. 'I Am The Enemy') here: http://nblast.de/SepulturaMMiTunes Watch the previous studio diaries here: Studio Diary #1: www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Lp7ge8Q3w Studio Diary #2: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8vneH5RKt4 Studio Diary #3: www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrkNouSAxT4 Studio Diary #4: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol2arUukE30 Studio Diary #5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0SveiuE_AY Studio Diary #6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNa9K7GvcH4 Studio Diary #7: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NdCDS0IM60 Studio Diary #8: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHBU2wCu1JY A few weeks ago, the band released the lyric video for 'I Am The Enemy'. Check it out here: https://youtu.be/pCEe44CgyAM The album was produced by the band and Jens Borgen (SOILWORK, OPETH, KATATONIA, AMON AMARTH) of Fascination Street Studios in Örebro, Sweden. The stunning cover artwork of Machine Messiah was created by Filipino artist Camille Della Rosa. ‘Machine Messiah’ tracklisting as follows: 1. Machine Messiah 2. I Am The Enemy 3. Phantom Self 4. Alethea 5. Iceberg Dances 6. Sworn Oath 7. Resistant Parasites 8. Silent Violence 9. Vandals Nest 10. Cyber God Watch Sepultura Under My Skin - The Mediator UK Tour 2015 here: Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxrNCtr-7oE Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmMQfw6BegM Part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiFqshnDYJ4 Part 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pFPkUKpw6Y Part 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JfBR1AGlII Part 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_sQ6zxRpKg SEPULTURA LIVE: w/ KREATOR, SOILWORK, ABORTED 01.02. F Metz - B.A.M. 02.02. NL Tilburg - 013 03.02. D Munich - Tonhalle 04.02. D Hamburg - Mehr! Theater 06.02. DK Copenhagen - Amager Bio 07.02. N Oslo - Rockefeller 08.02. S Stockholm - Fryshuset 10.02. FIN Helsinki - Black Box 11.02. FIN Tampere - Pakkahuone 12.02. EST Tallinn - Rock Cafe 13.02. LT Vilnius - Siemens Arena 15.02. PL Warsaw - Progresja 16.02. A Vienna - Gasometer 17.02. D Wiesbaden - Schlachthof 18.02. D Berlin - Columbiahalle 19.02. CH Pratteln - Z7 21.02. I Trezzo - Live Club 22.02. F Grenoble - Summum 23.02. E Barcelona - Razzmatazz 24.02. E Madrid - Riviera 25.02. F Toulouse - Bikini 26.02. F Paris - Bataclan 28.02. UK Manchester - Academy 01.03. IRL Dublin - Vicar Street 02.03. UK London - o2 Forum 03.03. B Torhout - De Mast 04.03. D Essen - Grugahalle 07.03. RUS Moscow - Bud Arena* * no ABORTED SEPULTURA are: Andreas Kisser - guitars Derrick Green - vocals Eloy Casagrande - drums Paulo Jr. - bass --- More info: www.sepultura.com.br www.facebook.com/sepultura www.nuclearblast.de/sepultura

#Sepultura #Music Video #Metal #Nuclear Blast #Machine Messiah

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facondevie · 7 years ago

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An orphanage in Mosul is caring for children of the war, some of which lost their entire families. Some were kidnapped from their parents and raised by ISIS families. Many of them are abandoned children born in the conflict to ISIS fighters and Yazidi women or girls that they raped. The Yazidi religion is conservative and many women that became pregnant with ISIS fighters either had to have an abortion or give up their babies as soon as they were born if they wanted to go home. Many have been threatened to be killed if they were to come home with a child born in captivity. Some children have been reunited with their parents but are terrified of them. They were taken when they were so young that their parents have become strangers. Sukaina Ali Younis, the found of the orphanage, says it’s an issue that is going to last for 20 years.

“Hammoudi laughs and gurgles as a cooing caregiver picks him up from a crib. It's clear from the attention he is getting that he's the darling of the orphanage.

The 7-month-old baby is dressed in a white jumpsuit. One sleeve hangs empty where he is missing an arm.

Sukaina Ali Younis, the founder of this Mosul, Iraq, orphanage, describes what happened to him as one of the ‘biggest crimes of ISIS.’

‘ISIS left him on the ground as bait to lure Iraqi soldiers,’ she says. ‘Three soldiers went to rescue the child and a sniper shot and killed them all.’

The Iraqi army sent in a tank, but before it could get to the baby, a dog ran up and dragged him away by the arm. When they rescued the baby boy, his arm had to be amputated.

The orphanage in a residential neighborhood in Mosul currently holds 18 children under the age of 6. Wooden cribs are lined end to end along bare walls in one of the rooms. A bassinet with white netting holds a baby only a few weeks old. He was left in the street near a police station in Mosul and brought by security forces to the orphanage.

There are some children whose entire families were killed in the war against the self-declared Islamic State — many buried in the rubble of crowded west Mosul when houses collapsed in bombings, airstrikes or mortar attacks.

One little girl was the only survivor when her mother gathered together her and her four brothers and detonated a suicide explosive belt in front of them. The little girl still has shrapnel in her leg. Younis named her Farah — happy. ‘Maybe after all this she will be happy in her life,’ she says.

Like the baby Hammoudi, there are others whose parents are unknown.

A 7-month-old injured after ISIS placed him in the street to use in an attack on Iraqi soldiers. Caregivers at the orphanage, to which NPR was given exclusive access, named him Hammoudi. His parents are unknown. He's one of the young children at a new orphanage in Mosul. The others are either orphaned, abandoned or rescued from kidnappers.

Many here are the abandoned children of ISIS fathers and the Yazidi girls and women they raped, or children kidnapped from their birth parents and raised in ISIS families. With the war on ISIS almost over, those children are still emerging months after ISIS was driven out of Mosul and the Syrian city of Raqqa.

ISIS considers the tiny, ancient Yazidi religious minority to be infidels. Some were forced to convert to Islam and marry ISIS fighters. Most of them were held as sex slaves.

In the region's conservative societies, rape victims are often blamed for dishonoring their families and are at risk of being killed. With so many Yazidi women captured, religious elders decreed that women enslaved by ISIS would be welcomed back. But there was no such ruling covering their children from ISIS fathers.

‘The mothers have no choice but to give up the children’ if they want to go home, says Younis. ‘If the woman is two or three months pregnant she has an abortion. If she is eight or nine months pregnant they take the baby away as soon as it is born.’

Younis and aid workers say some families — Yazidi and Shiite Turkmen who were also taken as sex slaves — threaten to kill the women if they come back with children born in captivity. Dozens of those children have ended up with Younis.

Younis, an exuberant woman who is Shiite Turkmen, was appointed head of a provincial committee for kidnap survivors and orphans. She organized teams of volunteers to look for missing women and children in Mosul and in camps for displaced people. ISIS fighters kidnapped thousands of women and children when they took over large parts of northern Iraq in 2014.

The backgrounds of many of the children who have ended up here remain a mystery. Orphanage staff have posted photos on social media of two girls, ages 4 and 5, believed to have been kidnapped from Yazidi families, in hopes that someone will recognize them.

The older girl is believed to have been kidnapped from Yazidi parents three years ago by ISIS. Orphanage staff are hoping to find the parents. They have been able to return some children to their parents after DNA tests.

The elder girl, dressed in flowered fleece pajamas, hovers near the cribs. She smiles shyly at visitors, but doesn't speak.

‘She's from Mosul, but we don't know from where,’ says one of the caregivers, who asked to be called Um Suad. ‘We speak to her in Arabic, but she doesn't understand.’

Um Suad says she's not sure if the girl is traumatized or intellectually disabled. She asks an interpreter to speak to the girl in the Kurdish dialect spoken by Yazidis.

She doesn't respond, but when he asks her to get a ball she understands and brings one.

There are two other Yazidi children, found in a camp where the wives of ISIS fighters have been detained. The girl had been raised by a Turkish woman married to an ISIS fighter.

Younis says she took the girl after other women at the camp testified that the Turkish woman had not had children of her own. All the foreign women married to detained ISIS fighters are now undergoing DNA tests, which will be used to determine whether more of the children they claim as their own had been kidnapped.

‘I tried to get information about the girl, but the woman wouldn't tell me anything,’ says Younis. ‘In the end I said, 'Just answer one question — what language did she speak when you found her?' The woman said she was speaking Kurdish. 'Did you know anything about her father and mother?' 'No,' she told me. 'She only had a toy — she called it Nawfa.'

The little girl, her hair in braids and tied with yellow ribbons, is 5 now and speaks only Turkish. When I ask her what her name is, she answers, ‘I forgot.’

The other children are either orphaned, abandoned or rescued from kidnappers. The woman is Sukaina Ali Younis, founder of the new orphanage and in charge of women's and orphans' affairs in Mosul's Ninevah governorate.

She and another boy kidnapped by an ISIS Turkmen family will be reunited with their birth parents after the court orders are issued. But Younis says the problem is that the children were so young when they were taken, their original families are strangers to them.

She says being reclaimed by parents they no longer recognize is almost as traumatic to the children as having been kidnapped. When she told one Yazidi boy he was going back to his family, she says he was happy because he believed he was going back to his ISIS parents and was terrified of his birth father.

‘Everyone was crying. The father started crying, the caregiver started crying, I started crying, the children started crying. That's the worst thing — when the father arrives and the children say, 'I don't know him' ... this is what ISIS left us. After 20 years we will still be dealing with this problem,’ she says.

While some of the Yazidi women are eager to hand over children who remind them of their captors, Younis says many of them struggle with giving them up.

Earlier that day she had received two children — both little more than a year old, who arrived with their mothers that day from Raqqa. Their families insisted they could not bring the babies home with them.

‘I sat with one of the women for two hours,’ Younis says. ‘She cried and cried. I told her you are still young.’

‘I want them to continue their lives,’ she says. ‘I want to help them forget after all these things, but, at the end, they say 'send us photos.'

So for some women Younis sends them photos and videos. One of the young women, 16 when she was kidnapped, handed over to Younis two children born from ISIS fathers. The young woman begged her for news of her children, and every 10 days or so, Younis would send photos. Recently the younger child, who had been malnourished, got sick and died.

‘She says, 'Do you know anything about my children? Are they OK? Send me a new picture.' I didn't tell her he died,’ says Younis, ‘but how can I send her a picture?’”

#YazidiAbandonedChildren

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bonusblanket · 8 years ago

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1-200 :))

omg hate you ahahaha

200: My crush’s name is: a very nice name199: I was born in: 1997198: I am really: an idiot197: My cellphone company is: verizon y’all196: My eye color is: blue195: My shoe size is: 9194: My ring size is: 8? 7? idk193: My height is: 5 foot 7 inch yo192: I am allergic to: certain hand soaps191: My 1st car was: 2001 monte carlo190: My 1st job was: face painter ahaha189: Last book you read: You Deserve A Drink by Mamrie Hart188: My bed is: a giant marshmallow 187: My pet: the cutest lil rattie186: My best friend: hilariousness 185: My favorite shampoo is: whatever cleans my hair184: Xbox or ps3: I'm more of a nintendo ds gal myself183: Piggy banks are: actually kind of inefficient 182: In my pockets: you will find various items181: On my calendar: things to do 180: Marriage is: legal now179: Spongebob can: officiate my wedding178: My mom: is the best woman 177: The last three songs I bought were? oh gosh idk. Probably the 1975176: Last YouTube video watched: shane dawson singing175: How many cousins do you have? a billion174: Do you have any siblings? the best sister in the world173: Are your parents divorced? no172: Are you taller than your mom? yes171: Do you play an instrument? i play a bunch170: What did you do yesterday? bought a milkshake ;)

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: hells yeah168: Luck: eh..preparation meets opportunity 167: Fate: depends166: Yourself: most of the time165: Aliens: HELLS. YEAH164: Heaven: well I'm not sure 163: Hell: not sure but ik if i end up there at least i’ll be with my friends162: God: im not sure but if she exists i hope she’s looking out for my gay ass161: Horoscopes: they’ve been on point before160: Soul mates: maybe 159: Ghosts: yeesss158: Gay Marriage: of course157: War: why does it exist156: Orbs: never seen one but 155: Magic: ehhhh nah

[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: depends..both 153: Drunk or High: high off life man152: Phone or Online: I do both simultaniously 151: Red heads or Black haired: both are nice150: Blondes or Brunettes: both are nice149: Hot or cold: depends!!148: Summer or winter: ahhhgggg depends147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: in between142: McDonalds or Burger King: mickey d’s for sure141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: mac mac mac139: Flip flops or high heals: flip floppers138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: oh god137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: either is fine i guess 134: Singing or Dancing: both 133: Coach or Chanel: walmart aahahhahaha132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: kelly clarkson131: Small town or Big city: both130: Wal-Mart or Target: depends what i’m trying to buy129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure127: East Coast or West Coast: aw both 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: both124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: yanks

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: why121: George Bush: whhhyyyyy120: Gay Marriage: can’t wait to get gay married119: The presidential election: traumatizing 118: Abortion: let the individual woman decide what’s best for her 117: MySpace: i wish i was born earlier so i could've been a part of it116: Reality TV: AMAZING115: Parents: can't live with em can't live without em amirite114: Back stabbers: why 113: Ebay: amazing112: Facebook: past its prime111: Work: find a job that doesn't suck110: My Neighbors: i don't talk to them really109: Gas Prices: skyrocketed i tell you!!108: Designer Clothes: love me some gucci107: College: i applaud people who do well at it106: Sports: sports!105: My family: love them to death104: The future: don’t even wanna think about it

[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: today102: Last time you ate: just now ;)101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: the other day100: Cried in front of someone: yesterday lol99: Went to a movie theater: I saw beauty and the beast 98: Took a vacation: 2 years ago i think97: Swam in a pool: IT’S BEEN TOO LONG96: Changed a diaper: i don't think i ever really have95: Got my nails done: lol94: Went to a wedding: its been years93: Broke a bone: been yeARS92: Got a peircing: YEARS!91: Broke the law: neverrrrr90: Texted: like just now all the time constantly

[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: every single friend, my sister, my grandma88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: craft sunday87: The last movie I saw: gosh idk86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: seeing The 1975 ;)85: The thing im not looking forward to: adulthood84: People call me: B83: The most difficult thing to do is: isn't everything difficult 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope81: My zodiac sign is: libra80: The first person i talked to today was: I'm not sure79: First time you had a crush: probably the first day of my life78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: i hide things from everyone because I'm secretly a spy77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: ALL THE TIME76: Right now I am talking to: me fwends75: What are you going to do when you grow up: probably die sometime74: I have/will get a job: both73: Tomorrow: is friday72: Today: is not friday71: Next Summer: gon be lit70: Next Weekend: ton be lit 69: I have these pets: 1 rat68: The worst sound in the world: PEOPLE CHEWING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: no one makes me cry, I'm a spy66: People that make you happy: my family and my friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday or something idk64: My friends are: amazing 63: My computer is: the shit62: My School: what is school61: My Car: has the best snack bin60: I lose all respect for people who: don't respect others59: The movie I cried at was: like every single movie58: Your hair color is: blonde57: TV shows you watch: supergirl, wynonna earp, nerd stuff56: Favorite web site: this stupid one55: Your dream vacation: london54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when my first lil rat buddy died53: How do you like your steak cooked: i don't eat steak currently52: My room is: calming51: My favorite celebrity is: demi lovato. she has my whole heart50: Where would you like to be: california, england, or ireland49: Do you want children: someday maybe48: Ever been in love: you betcha47: Who’s your best friend: got a bunch 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: music44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my dad43: Do you have a 5 year plan: yeah kind of42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: kind of41: Have you pre-named your children: not really but there are some names i like40: Last person I got mad at: i don't really get mad a lot 39: I would like to move to: socal, nyc, and london38: I wish I was a professional: writer

[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: twix36: Vehicle: 1984 jeep grand wagoneer35: President: obameerrr34: State visited: california33: Cellphone provider: verizon i guess..why is this a question32: Athlete: the fab five 31: Actor: fred armisen30: Actress: currently katie mcgrath 29: Singer: demi lovato 28: Band: the 197527: Clothing store: love me a good thrift shop26: Grocery store: weis i guess25: TV show: the office 24: Movie: labyrinth23: Website: this one22: Animal: rat i guess21: Theme park: disney world20: Holiday: halloween19: Sport to watch: water polo18: Sport to play: softball17: Magazine: british vogue 16: Book: the curious incident of the dog in the night-time15: Day of the week: friday or saturday14: Beach: cape may13: Concert attended: the 1975 and demi12: Thing to cook: cereal because its quick af11: Food: do cheetos count?10: Restaurant: moe’s, cyber cafe, red robin9: Radio station: the indie/alt station8: Yankee candle scent: probably a nice autumn scent or a nice mahogany 7: Perfume: ck2 or lacoste 6: Flower: rose and peony 5: Color: black, white, light pink, lavender 4: Talk show host: ellen, j fallon, james corden3: Comedian: tina fey2: Dog breed: whippet1: Did you answer all these truthfully? best i could

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drtnwithacamera-blog · 8 years ago

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I’ve recently decided to start a little side project where I will be chatting with friends or other people who’s stories I find interesting and/or who may be affected by the current political climate. I started with my best friend, Kari, who is (at the time of chatting) 32 weeks pregnant. Her story interests me because just last year she had an abortion through Planned Parenthood and then 6 or 7 months later found out she was pregnant and something changed. Below is a discussion we had regarding her experience with the abortion, her experience with her current pregnancy, what’s changed, and what her hopes & fears are with bringing a daughter into the world, during an administration that is so adamantly anti-woman.

_______________________________________________________________________

Me: So let’s talk about your abortion. What was your immediate reaction finding out your were pregnant? Kari: This is about... a little over a year ago. When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately knew I wasn't ready. Ryan (Kari’s fiancé/baby daddy) knew he wasn’t ready. Me: What is your definition of “being ready”? Kari: Well I don't think you can ever be “ready” to have a baby.... I don’t think I'm ready now. But at that time I didn’t feel stable enough mentally, emotionally, financially. I just wasn't in the right place. I didn't feel like being a mother was right at that moment. I knew that immediately. There was no question about it. Me: Did you feel more that way because of your personal life or was there any consideration where had you gone through the pregnancy, was there a fear where you would be disadvantaging the child? Kari: Well it kind of ties in to both... my personal life directly affects how I would raise a child. If I’m at a point in my life where I barely feel capable of taking care of myself, I wouldn’t want to put a child in that position. Bring a child into the world and with it potential resentment between me and that child. If I [keep it] just because society says I should, or my family says I should or my friends say I should... it has to be a decision that you make that’s best for yourself in the future, and ultimately the child. Me: So what was the thought process from finding out you were pregnant to “ok I’m getting an abortion”? Kari: Honestly, there wasn't much thought there.. I knew my options. I knew adoption was one of them but doing that almost has more potential of a traumatic experience I think, for me, than having an abortion. Because then I have to go through carrying for 9 months, potentially growing an attachment to it, seeing it holding it and having it taken away. Not to mention there are so many kids in the system now where their needs aren't being met. I wouldn’t want to put a child through that, no less a child from myself. Knowing that I have a kid out there but not knowing what the state of their well being is… I think abortion was my best and only option at the time. It was definitely still traumatic. It was painful, emotionally and physically. But I never regretted it. From the moment I decided to have one to now, I know it was the right decision. Me: So a lot of my closest friends have had them. But what is the process of having the actual abortion? You go to planned parenthood..? Kari: It depends how you go about it. Thankfully, I had Planned Parenthood available to me. Even though, you know, I was working two jobs, but one of them was freelance and the other waitressing. So I’m not getting health benefits from either. Fortunately, I had Planned Parenthood available. Through them everything was taken care of. The aftercare, the abortion. I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood which you have to do before 8 weeks. I was about 4 or 5 weeks when I found out and had the abortion about 6 and a half weeks almost 7. Me: Did they tell you at what point the embryo or the fetus was at, at the point of the abortion? Kari: I did a bit of research and when I went to planned parenthood, they showed me the ultrasound. She asked if I wanted to see it. At that point it’s basically just a cluster of cells... I don’t think until 9,10,11 weeks until it even has a heart beat until that point. Me: And there was no like push or anything to get the abortion, right? Kari: No. Me: So what was the appointment like? Kari: It was easy. It was like talking to a friend. They told me what to expect. That it might be emotionally challenging. They give you a survey to fill to see if you’re mentally capable of having the abortion. Me: Did they mention options? Kari: They do it in the paperwork and the they ask you like “are you aware of options/do you know what your options are” “are you sure this is something you want to do” The location I went to they made it really comforting. Me: Which location did you go to? Kari: It was in Whittier. Me: How was walking in? Were there “pro life” protestors or anything? Kari: No there... at the time, it was last year so it was just before the current political climate. Me: Did you feel pressure to make a decision to get an abortion from anyone? Kari: No. And that is actually something that planned parenthood really questioned me hard about it. Like “is this your decision” “are you sure you’re making this for you” with no pressure from family or friends. Me: Essentially I believe that they [Planned Parenthood] doesn't want women to do things they don’t want to do... against their will. Kari: Right! Me: What was the process of the abortion like? Kari: It was the most traumatic and painful thing I've ever gone through in my entire life which will change when I give birth haha. I didn’t expect it to be like that and it’s different for everyone and there are two ways to have an abortion you could go to a place like planned parenthood and they’ll do it for you or you could have the pill. I thought the pill would be easier. To go home and do it on my own terms. I kind of knew what to expect but I think for me it was a little different. I was alone and I took the two pills they gave me. You put them inside your cheeks and as they start dissolving you start to feel your uterus contract. Within I think 10-15 minutes I started to feel the contractions. It was super uncomfortable but I was riding it out. After the contractions, it feels like you have to take a shit. So I'm in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, calling Ryan, feeling like I’m going to black out from the pain, and I'm just grasping onto the sink not knowing what’s happening inside my body. After about an hour, it passes. I look in the toilet to see it pass and there’s blood. A blob of blood. I felt pain after for a couple days and bled for about a week and that was it.. Me: And that was it? Kari: Yeah hahaha it wasn’t like a baby coming out screaming. It was a blob. Me: And this was how far into your pregnancy? Kari: So this was about 6 and a half weeks I think. Me: What do you think the other option would have looked like getting it done at Planned Parenthood? Kari: I heard it’s easier that way and I'm keeping that in mind *laughs* I think it’s quicker, easier and less painful if there’s anyone struggling with how to go about it. Me: And it’s still a blob so planned parenthood isn’t selling fetus’ *laughing*? Kari: It’s not even a baby.. you can’t even call it a fetus at that point. Me: So what’s your definition of life... where life starts? Kari: For me.. your life begins when you’re born. That’s not to say, speaking for someone who’s 32 weeks now, I have an emotional attachment to the fetus in my belly now. I think of her and have an attachment to her as if she were actually here.. that’s saying at 32 weeks... at 9, 10 weeks. Where the baby is, developmentally - I didn’t have an attachment at that point [in the current pregnancy]

 Me:

What was your initial reaction to current pregnancy?

Kari: I was shocked... this happened about 7 months after my abortion. So this wasn't something that I planned, when it happened I had completely different feelings about it. I was excited and scared and nervous but I wanted to go through with it. Ryan and I talked about options and how we felt about it the first time comparing to now. Things felt different for us. We felt more positive about it then the first time around. I felt right. I felt support. Me: Do you ever think now about what it would have been like had you gone through with your first pregnancy? Kari: The thought has crossed my mind but to be honest I haven’t put too much thought into it.. I let that part of my life go.

Me: How are you handling health services now for your pregnancy? Kari: California is a REALLY good state to be pregnant in. They pretty much provide everything you need from the moment you get pregnant to a few years after you have the baby. I went to a clinic in Long Beach when I first got pregnant and they helped me with all the testing and proof of pregnancy, ultrasound. Me: Do you feel like you could have afforded health care as a pregnant woman without help from the state? Kari: No.. no, definitely not. Being pregnant is expensive! When I hear of all the things my friends in Michigan have to pay for.... Through MediCal I don’t have to pay for any of that. So it’s a great help. Me: What’re your feelings on the current political/social climate... specifically with Trump being elected president. As a woman, as a mother to be, as someone who will be having a daughter, what're your concerns? Kari: It’s terrifying. It’s scary to think that everything I have available to me now could/would be taken away from me. I would be more scared if I just found out now that I was pregnant. I feel that things would be a lot different for me through out my pregnancy. Thinking of the aspect of raising a little girl, was terrifying, but now I’m looking at it more as an opportunity to raise a strong independent girl to be a strong independent woman. I don't think I would consider putting as much emphasis on certain subjects with her when she comes to be a strong empowered feminist woman. I’ll get to show her everything that is happening now and what we’re going through and what this all means. She’ll have more of an open mind than I did growing up and in Michigan. More of an open mind than even we did. Me: Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Kari: 100% Me: And a feminist... there are a lot of variations, and some very demeaning definitions of feminism. I think Kellyanne Conway had described feminism as “man-hating”, obviously you don't hate men because you’re engaged to one. So you’re definition of feminism is what? Kari: Right I think a huge part of feminism is empowering women. Or even empowering men to empower women and showing them that feminism isn’t about bashing and hating men. Me: Do you feel like Ryan is a feminist? Kari: 100%... let’s call him in... I don’t know if he defines himself as a feminist.. I know he is. I would say he strongly supports feminism and supports women. Me: Let’s call him in *screams his name from the other room* do you have a minute to answer a few questions? Kari: Come into our office (the baby’s room).

*Ryan has a look on his face like he might be in trouble, I explain to him what we’re doing, what this project is about and that we’d like to get his input*

Me: Me and Kari were just talking about feminism and I was wondering if you would consider yourself a feminist. Ryan: I grew up with women my whole life. I love women. Without women I wouldn’t be where I am today. Me: So what’s your definition of a “feminist”? Ryan: Someone that supports women’s rights to equal treatment. That sees a difference of how women are treated in this world. And that believe it should be equal. I think that women are just as powerful as any man. Me: Are you excited to have a little girl? Are you nervous about having a girl in the current political climate? Ryan: Yeah... I think it’s crazy that it’s ok to mistreat women and that the mistreatment is overlooked. Like “oh, its ok” Me: Mistreat women as far as like what? Ryan: In any way shape or form. It happens in ways that I'm sure a lot of us don’t even see.. our president is allowed to disrespect women. Grabbing a woman by the pussy. He’s an asshole, it’s not ok and it’s not ok that it’s overlooked. Me: What are your thoughts on Kellyanne Conway being a woman who’s run his campaign, and being the first woman to run a successful presidential campaign despite the fact that she was adamantly against Trump when she was running Ted Cruz’ campaign. Ryan: I think it’s cool that a woman did something like that but - Kari: She doesn’t stand for women she doesn't care about women. Ryan: She seems like an opportunist. Kari: She’s just following whatever’s going to win... she’s doing it more for the fame.

Me: What would your advice be to anyone getting an abortion or thinking about getting an abortion or anyone who has gotten one and is feeling shame for it or women who have to deal with pressure about it and protestors in front of a sacred space like Planned Parenthood? Kari: I think they should take it as a chance to stand up for themselves and voice the way that they're feeling and try not to feel pressure to back down or do something that they don’t want to do because of what other people are telling them. And that goes for everything in life. If you feel a certain way, and feel strongly about doing something, and you don’t feel like something is going to impact you in a positive way you shouldn’t do it. No matter what anyone else says. It’s so important when you’re talking about bringing a child into the world. If you don’t feel capable, you’re not going to be. You could be setting up a hard life for yourself and for that kid and it’s not fair to anyone. Me: So obviously the decision to keep the baby or not is the woman’s on her own. Either with herself fully or her doctor or therapist or religious consultant or family, but it’s ultimately her decision. Sometimes there’s a situation where you’re late term and there’s a very high chance that there won’t be a successful childbirth, stillborn. So this pro lifer I was talking to said a chance needs to be given. Because that’s where they're coming from despite the fact that, worst case scenario a doctor says you or your child or both will die if you go through with this. What are your thoughts on pro lifers saying despite the risks to still say it’s a woman’s responsibility to take that risk? Kari: I think everyone should put themselves in other people’s shoes... Me: Right and these are women holding other women to expectations even though the risk is there. Kari: I think it’s ultimately the woman’s decision if that’s a risk she’s willing to take. It’s easier to have less pressure to know that you are the decision maker whether or not you want to take that risk. Everything I read about late term abortions... it seems a lot of people are ignorant on the subject. It seems they think a woman just decides later on that she doesn’t want it and it’s so not true. It’s usually a high risk of something wrong. A life is at risk. I just read an article about a woman who was pregnant with twins and I think she got to 30 weeks and they found out one of the baby’s brain matter was leaking out of it’s head. And basically it would have been born a vegetable. They were dealing with what the consequences would be... considering still having the child. Came to the realization that it was affecting the other baby in the womb, and putting that life at risk. And the chances of them both not surviving the pregnancy was getting higher and higher. So they gave her the option to abort the one to save the life of the other. So ultimately that “late term abortion” saved the life of the other baby. I think pro lifers need to look at different aspects and situations where that’s happening. Me: Do you think you’ll have more kids? Kari: Yeah... Eventually… Thinking about that right now is so scary and crazy. This pregnancy has been a bit of a struggle, but it’s made me a stronger person, and more of an adult. It’s made me realize my strengths. It challenges me in ways I've never been challenged before and I know motherhood will do the same thing.. it’ll all be worth it. Me: Are you excited to be a mother? Kari: I am... I'm getting emotional right now. Probably because I'm so hormonal haha. I don’t know why I'm crying. Me: What do you notice is the biggest difference is between finding out about your last pregnancy and this one? Kari: It’s crazy... in such a short amount of time to feel such an immense change in myself and a difference in even my relationship with Ryan. My relationship with myself. Feeling more mentally positive. I think being in the right state of mind is such a huge HUGE factor. Me: Right - the first time around you were partying, like, a shit ton. Kari: I was! Me: You said earlier you’ll keep in mind the other way to go about having an abortion.. at the clinic... Kari: You never know what life is going to throw at you. I can’t tell the future. I can’t say whether or not I'll have children in the future. Whether or not I'll come up pregnant and not be at a stable position. I don't think being in the position I'm in now that that would happen. If I was pregnant I would probably go through with it because we want more kids but I don’t know where I'll be in a year or two.. who knows. I could get raped and I would never have a child under that circumstance. It’d be a living everyday reminder. Me: if there’s one thing you could say to like every pro-lifer, what would it be? Kari: Fuck... that’s hard haha. I feel like there’s SO much. So many things are running through my head that I'm almost speechless... it’s just mind-boggling that at this point people still have such an opinion. It’s become such a controversy. Especially with Trump threatening to take so many things away… Me: Like what? Kari: Basic healthcare for women. Me: Back to the statement you would give - What would you want them to hear based of your own experience? I’m sure that there are some people that would have formed an opinion on you based off being a young tattooed woman.. living in Los Angeles getting an abortion and getting pregnant again. Kari: To judge a book by it’s cover is one thing. And then to try and force your beliefs into someone else’s life, is another thing. I don't think it’s fair. They don’t know what my personal experiences are, they don’t know what I'm capable or not capable of. If I'm even in the right state of mind to raise or have a child. I just think they should put themselves in our position and think about even if I did have a kid and put them up for adoption, what would that kid’s life be in the future? At that point, do they care about it then? Are they voting for welfare of them then? Or do they want to dial that back as well? I think there’s just so much to be said. There are a lot of ignorant people, men especially, that have an opinion on something they could never understand because they’ll never experience it. They’ll never go through what we go through, what we’ve gone through and they should respect that. And not try to force anything on to us.

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