#the one good thing im holding onto is that i’ve done this exact interview before so i know what to expect

[elphabasthropp]

[xpeachesncream]

perfectly wrong | thirteen

summary: there were rules that had to be followed: no one could know about you two, there was no ‘getting to know each other,’ and there was absolutely no emotional attachment allowed. if this could be done, there should be no complications. but somehow, the rules always get bended.

pairing: reader x fuckboy!kth

genre: college au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 2.3k

chapter warnings: cussing, soft tae

notes: down to 2 chapters left! i will most likely do some drabbles every now and then for this, but not right away because i’ll be working on my new fic: acquainted. will let you know when this goes live, but pls check it out. it’s gonna be messy and filthy as hell, im sorry lmao

tags: @soulstaes​ @apollukee​ @imluckybitches​ @btsis7okay​ @ppangiiroo​ @gee-nee​ @enchantaeduniverse​ @miinoongi​ @thedarkwinterrose​ @levrantae​ @somewhereofftheglobe​ @jwlmnbt​ @symmetricaleyeliner​ @bluesharksandfish​ (pls msg me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

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Taehyung slouched on his couch, tv on whatever the hell channel it was on. He scrolled through his phone aimlessly, but it wasn't long before he huffed and threw his phone aside. He wasn't feeling himself, or anything for that matter, and was tired of being in this funk. He felt terrible about how everything went down and he couldn't really forgive himself for the shit he said to you. He didn't mean the things he said, but he was also the one who didn't know how to properly process feelings. He always acted on impulse and how he felt at that moment, rather than thinking about the situation rationally. Plus yeah, he had a temper. Shit didn't mix.

"Ayo." He hears Jimin's voice at the door, followed by three soft knocks.

"It's unlocked." Tae says. Jimin welcomes himself in and kicks his shoes aside. He smiles at him, holding something in his hands as he walks into the kitchen. "What's up?"

"Uh, found these at your door." He holds up the prints Tae bought from you. He sighs and shakes his head, almost dismissing it entirely.

"Keep it."

"Um, no? You bought these for a reason, so you should keep them."

"Not anymore." Taehyung lays his head back against the couch and shuts his eyes.

"You're so dramatic. I'm leaving these here."

"Whatever."

"What's wrong with you now, princess?"

"I'm just not in the mood."

"You haven't been in the mood.." Jimin sits on the other end of the couch. "And quite frankly, it's pretty annoying. You know what you did wrong, so why don't you just fix it?"

"It's not that easy."

"Says who? You?" Jimin scoffs. "Look, I know our track record isn't the best, but I know you genuinely care about Y/N. I know she means more to you than what you put out there, so why can't you just take it for what it is? Why do you have to make it so complicated?"

"Because I'm sure by now she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. It's exactly one of the things I'm afraid about the most. What if she gives up or realizes she doesn't want me the way I want her?"

"Do you think she's worth it?"

"I just-"

"Yes or no?" Taehyung looks at him as he leans over onto his knees.

"Yes, I do."

"Then none of that shit should matter. I'm positive she cares about you just as much as you do for her. If she's worth it, then you'd be willing to go through these ups and downs with her and do this ride with her."

"She's not going to want this after what I did, Jimin."

"You're full of excuses." Jimin shakes his head. "Then you do what you can to fix this and show her how you'll change, rather than just saying you'll do this and that."

"I don't know." Is all Taehyung can say. "I was pretty hurtful."

"You're also human. It's okay to make mistakes, but you should really work on processing your feelings better and communicating. Plus, your temper, dude. Tone that shit down."

"It's been so long since I've done this." Believe it or not, Taehyung was the complete opposite before. His last, serious relationship a couple of years ago made him flip the switch. He gave his ex everything, and was always willing to put his life down for her. He gave and gave, even if he felt like he couldn't anymore. He did all this just to get fucked over in the end, which is why he ultimately didn't believe relationships were worth the energy anymore.

"Y/N is not your ex. Stop comparing it to that. No experience will be the exact same."

"Ughhhh, I fucked this all up." Tae groaned, tilting his head back and covering it with his hat.

"I'm just saying, you could still try and fix this. Even in the end you two don't get together or whatever, you can at least say you tried. I'm tired of you moping around like you can't do shit to make it better. You know what she means to you."

"I'm not moping."

"Yes, you are! Look at you, looking like a sorry ass." Jimin threw his crumpled napkin at him. "Don't pass up on a good girl like that."

"Okay, I get it."

"No, I don't think you do." Tae looked at him. "Look, if this was any other girl, I probably wouldn't care much. But Y/N is genuinely different and I see how you both look at each other. It's really obvious how much you two ended up caring for each other."

"She is different. God, she's.." Tae sighs as he runs his hand through his hair. "She's beautiful and sweet, with just the right amount of mean. She's creative and her voice has always been so soothing. I want her around me all the time, even when she gets frustrating as hell." Jimin smiles.

"If you pass on her, she's mine." Jimin teased, knowing it would rub Taehyung the wrong way.

"Fuck you." Taehyung spat. "I should still beat your ass for the shit you pulled at the club."

"It was harmless." Jimin laughed. "So are you fixing this or what?"

"If I fix this, you need to stay 10 ft away from her." Jimin laughed out loud and held his stomach.

"Cry baby. I'm not gonna do anything." Jimin came and patted him on the back. "I'm sure everything will be just fine." And so, Taehyung gets himself up to go and fix this. He knew it wasn't going to be easy but he needed to right his wrongs.

Taehyung sat in his car and gathered himself together before he made his way up to the apartment. He gave off three knocks before he waited patiently for the door to swing open.

"I have to be honest, it's taking everything in me to stop myself from fucking you up right now." Jungkook sighed and stepped aside to let him in.

"That's fair."

"So, what's up? Why did you need to come here to talk to me?"

"I just wanted to apologize for how things went down at Jin's party."

"I appreciate it, but it still doesn't change the fact that you disrespected Y/N and talked down on her the way you did."

"I know, and I didn't mean any of it. I just wasn't thinking. If I'm being completely honest, I was pretty jealous of your relationship with her."

"What is this, high school?" Jungkook stopped himself from taking it any further because he could say a lot more to his face, but he wasn't going to since Taehyung made the effort to come here and apologize in person.

"Okay, I get it, it's childish."

"At least you're aware." Jungkook paused before shaking his head. "Look, not that it should even matter or anything, but all I knew growing up was Y/N and Jin hyung and vice versa. I didn't have any siblings or any cousins that could relate to me. I moved a lot before I finally settled with my family. I didn't get along with people easily, which is why when I met Y/N, we got really close and I stuck by her. We were similar, but different. It's always been that way, and quite frankly, it's not going to change." Taehyung nodded. "She doesn't have her family by her side, so me, hyung, Yoongi and Hoseok became that for her."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just kept thinking you two had it for each other like that and I couldn't understand why it was making me so upset."

"I love Y/N, I really do. But at the end of the day, she's her own person and she decides how to live her life. It's her life and I'm only in it." Jungkook shrugs. "I want nothing more than for Y/N to be happy with someone who can give her the world and cherish her for who she is. She has so much to offer and she brings life to everything around her."

"I-" Taehyung paused. "I really care about her. And I know this probably sounds stupid coming from me, but I want to do things differently with her."

"I just have to ask - are you even sure of your own feelings? You're not doing all of this cause you're lonely and have no one else to go to?"

"No, of course I'm sure of my feelings." Jungkook shrugged.

"You've been messing around with so many girls for some time now, though."

"Yeah and I also stopped doing that for awhile now."

"It's just hard to believe because I'd hate for her to have to go through it if you go back to your old ways."

"I won't."

"But that's easy for you to say, isn't it?" Kook shot him a look. All of a sudden, this conversation felt more like an interview but Jungkook had to do what he had to do. He knew what Taehyung was capable of, and he would hate for you to go through it again.

"Yeah it is, but she makes me want to be a better man." Jungkook sighed. He saw the look in Taehyung's face and he couldn't completely say it was all bullshit. He had never seen this kind of soft expression come from someone like Taehyung. "I haven't felt this way in a really long time, and it's scary for me. But she's worth it."

"I get that." Jungkook nods. "She cares about you a lot, you know? She may not say it but I saw how beat up she was over this entire thing."

"I want to fix this."

"I have to be honest, I'm a little wary. You really have to keep your word about doing better and not slipping up. She doesn't deserve it." Taehyung nods.

"I hear you." Taehyung pauses. "How is she?" Jungkook shrugs.

"Fine, except for the fact that she's sick right now." Taehyung's eyes widen.

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah. If you haven't figured it out already, Y/N isn't the type to back down." Taehyung chuckled.

"Yeah, I got that much."

"Hey," Jungkook tilted his head to look at him once more. "I really do respect the fact that you came here to talk to me in person. I know we don't know much about each other, but I know Y/N can see good in you." Taehyung nodded silently.

"Only trying to right my wrongs here. I don't want to slip up and lose her already."

"So, have you talked to hyung yet?" Taehyung looked at him and shook his head.

"No, but that's where I was headed after this." Kook nods silently. The two talk for a bit more, making sure they were on the right page, enough to put the past behind them and move on from the petty, unnecessary drama that had went down. When Taehyung had felt satisfied tackling one of the biggest hurdles, he made his way over to the cafe to tackle the last one. Not gonna lie, Taehyung was scared for this encounter because he knew Jin would lay his life down for you. Luckily for him, Jin was a wise man and never held grudges. Of course he didn't appreciate how Taehyung handled himself and this whole thing, but it wasn't entirely his fault and Jin always thought holding onto negativity was a waste of energy.

Jin happily greeted him, like his usual self, and brought him to the back so they could talk. Taehyung was sweating bullets, but he knew if he wanted to be in your life, he'd have to make it right with Jin. For Aiko, for the things he said and the things he's done to hurt you, everything. And so he sympathetically apologizes as he sits in front of Jin. Apologizes for the way things went down at the party, for Aiko, for having hurt anyone in this situation. Jin gave off a small, toothless smile and told Taehyung how he appreciated him for coming by. Quite frankly, he wanted to kill him as soon as you had told him about everything that had gone done between the both of you, including finding out about Aiko. Although the whole thing with Aiko was unfortunate, he couldn't really be mad because she was never his to begin with. The only thing he was really worried about was you, his baby cousin. Baby sister. Taehyung confessed that he had been feeling pretty lost because he believed you wouldn't want anything to do with him after that night. Jin reassures him and does a damn good job of it, telling him that you would never completely shut someone out, especially if you cared about them. Jin could tell how much you ended up caring for the guy and he wasn't going to make you change your mind about it because you were grown, and you could make your own decisions. He would only be there to support you and reassure you if times got tough. He didn't know Taehyung enough to immediately label him as a bad guy and right now, he was only showing he had some good in him.

They continued to talk for a bit [while Jin still had the time, at least], with Jin trying his best to coach him about how to best proceed with this situation. Of course, it was entirely up to Taehyung how he wanted to do this, but Jin could afford to sprinkle in a little bit of help.

"You're really sure about this, right? I don't want her to get hurt again. Y/N deserves all the best, and if a man were to ever come into her life, I'd want him to take good care of her and spoil her without her having to ask for it. I'd want him to be sure of her and to never make her question her worth." Taehyung nodded.

"I hear you, and I'm sure. It's scary, but I want to do this with her."

[pjnknim]

Best friend!Mark

Genre: fluff? i think so lol

Word count: 2k

Warnings: none

Authors note: Hi! This is my first story i’ve written on here so it may be a little messy or bad. I hope you enjoy anyways though. Don’t be afraid to write back to me and give me constructive criticism, I only want to get better. Thank you!

At the hotel you’re staying at, you help your bestfriend Mark get prepared for the Grammys that he’s attending along with the rest of the members from nct 127. 

“y/n we gotta leave soon, we can’t be late” Mark says. 

Being so focused in on getting a part of his hair right you don’t say anything in response until seconds later. 

“Im FINALLY finished. Stand up and look, I think you’ll like it.”

Mark gets up to look in the mirror, “yes! this is the exact look I was going for” he says. 

You smile a beautiful smile and say “i'm glad-” you’re then cut off by Mark squishing your cheeks.

“What was that for?” you say chuckling.

“I don’t know, your cheeks are just super squishy and cute” he says smiling.

For the longest time you’ve had a huge crush on Mark and whenever he does or says things like this it makes you wonder if he has any interest in being more than a friend with you.

“Ok ok weirdo, let's head downstairs and meet with the others.” You both head downstairs to the lobby where the rest of the members are waiting patiently.

You see Haechan and Taeil over to the side singing quietly, Yuta resting on Winwin’s shoulder, Johnny and Jaehyun goofing around, making lame jokes with each other, Taeyong, Doyoung, and Jungwoo practicing their choreography. Everyone seems to be doing something. They see you and Mark come down the hallway and their faces light up knowing that they’ll be heading to the Grammy’s now. 

“Oh my god! Mark you look so different, you look really good” Yuta says. “Mark hyung you finally look decent for once!” Haechan says jokingly. 

Mark runs to Haechan putting him in a headlock and messing up his hair. They play fight for a few more seconds before Taeyong interrupts them and pulls them over to their van outside. You look back at the rest of the members who are slightly embarrassed by what just happened in the middle of the lobby. 

“Alright, I guess we should get going now”. 

You start your way to the van and the rest of the members follow you. Since there's 11 of you guys you all are split. 5 of you go into one van while the rest go into another. You step into the van with Mark inside and take a seat next to him. 

“Of course” you say to yourself chuckling. “He’s asleep again”. 

While he’s sleeping you take a look at him and realize how gorgeous he looks in the sunlight. You take in the sight of your best friend, his glimmering dark eyeshadow that you put on his face, his sparkling skin that drives you crazy, his pink lips that you dream of kissing, his black hair blowing in the wind from the car window being slightly rolled down. You can’t help but continue to admire him. 

“y/n, you’ve been staring at him for the past 10 minutes” Doyoung says. 

“hUH?!” “Doyoung, I was just making sure that I did his makeup correctly duh.”  

“yeah yeah, I know you like him y/n, it's so obvious” he says. 

You look down feeling a bit embarrassed. 

“It’s alright though, I won’t tell anybody. Plus he might like you back” Doyoung says smirking.

“C’mon now we gotta get out the car, we’re here.” 

You look up from staring at your hands and realize that you’re finally at the stadium where the Grammys is being held at. Time had passed so quickly after getting lost in your thoughts of Mark. 

“Hey, wake up now Mark. We’re here.” You say while rubbing his back. Mark wakes up almost instantly and a smile forms onto his face. 

You can tell he’s so happy to finally be at the Grammys. As you’re getting out the van you see the second van pull up behind you guys, the rest of the members jump out the van looking like excited children arriving at their favorite candy shop. 

“Are you guys ready to perform and possibly win an award here at the Grammy’s?!” Johnny says excitedly. 

Everyone else responds with loud “yeahs!” while throwing their hands up in the air and jumping. It’s heartwarming to see them so happy and excited. They get done with their tiny celebration and continue on to the red carpet. 

“y/n, i'm gonna need you to go into the Grammy’s from another entrance and go backstage ok?” Mark says. 

“Ok, i’ll see you when you’re finished, have fun answering questions!” 

You watch Mark leave with his members and soon you leave too, heading to the entrance. Once you go inside and find backstage you go to a room with a small tv that's broadcasting what's happening on the red carpet. You see so many of your favorite celebrities there, and then the screen flips to nct being interviewed. You almost scream just from seeing them. You lean in a bit closer to the tv to hear what’s being said. 

“We’re here yall! The Grammy’s! Are you guys loving it so far? How’s it feel to be here?” the host then moves her mic closer to nct. 

“Yeah, it's our first time here but I think we’re having a good time here so far” Johnny says nodding his head, other members doing the same. 

“That’s great to hear! I heard about your most recent album ‘Regular-Irregular’. People seem to be lovin it! It's been everywhere.” 

“Yup”, Jaehyun says. “We put a lot of effort into it and we’re so happy that it's getting much love and attention.”

“If you haven’t seen the music video yet or have listened to the album, please do so!” Mark adds on. 

“Alrighty then! Keep killin it and doin what you’re doin. You have so much more success coming your way. Thank you guys so much for being here, it was a pleasure meeting you!” 

“No thank you” Johnny says with a smile

The camera pans to two other hosts who are announcing that the Grammy’s are going to begin shortly. You turn around to see Mark and everyone else behind him entering the room you’re in. You run to them trying to grab as many member as you can between your arms hugging them tightly.

“Ugh you guys did so well, you didn’t look nervous at all!”  you say to everyone. 

“I- I mean we really wish you could’ve been with us y/n” Mark says. “I know me too” you say pouting. 

“Nct 127?!” a man from across the room yells. “We need you to be ready to go out on stage soon” 

“ok!” Mark says giving a thumbs up to the man. 

You all form into a huddle, getting a bit emotional Taeyong starts to tear up. “I can’t believe it, how did we make here guys? How did we make it to the Grammys?” he says. 

“You’re right, how did we? I remember earlier on, training with you guys and doing little smrookie performances with you. And look now, im performing at the Grammy’s with you” Haechan says. 

Even you start to tear up a bit. You say goodbye to the members as they leave the huddle. Mark is left staring at you. 

“What is it?” you ask wiping your tears. 

Mark walks up to you quickly and gives you a small peck on your cheek before running off to catch up with the members. You’re left feeling almost dizzy-like. Magical tingling feelings run through your body as you walk to your seat to watch their performance....

---------------------

Time comes for their performance and you’re sitting front row to watch them. You promised them years ago that once they made it big and they were performing you’d be there, front row, and here you are. Doing exactly that. The stage lights up and ‘Regular’ the english version starts playing. The members are already on stage posing. Right after Mark says “yeah yeah” as part of the lyrics, they all begin to move with such energy and sing with voices like angels. You’re completely flattered by it. 

They really put on a good performance you thought to yourself, all those years of training truly paid off. They finish off their show with Taeyong in the middle holding up the nct sign, while everyone else is doing different poses.

You see Mark looking sweaty and breathing hard from all the dancing and moving. Hair sticking to his forehead. You’ve seen him like this many times before but this time looking at him its seems different. He makes eye contact with you and blush so hard. 

He gives you a smile making you melt. They head off stage and you follow them back. As you head backstage you hear the host coming back on stage to announce nominees for best song of the year. You come back to them with a big smile and open arms, you all join together in a big group hug. All you feel, see, and hear in that moment is joy. 

Your body is filled with tingling feelings of euphoria. You’re beyond happy that you could be here with them, especially Mark. 

“YALL WERE SO GOOD I-” you say

“It felt so nice to be up there, I can’t even explain it” Yuta says jumping up and down. 

 A loud voice is then heard saying “NCT 127!” You all look around to see what's happening when suddenly a fairly large bearded white man with a cap on comes up to them and says “hurry up and get on up there! You’ve won!” 

Without even finishing your conversation you push the boys towards the entrance on the stage and blow them kisses. Taeyong runs up on the stage crying because of how happy he is, other members come on too crying. Grabbing the award he moves towards the mic to give his speech. 

“Guys I can’t-”

He steps back from the mic a bit to gather himself before speaking again. 

“I'm beyond grateful right now and I wish you all could feel just how we feel right now. This is such a huge moment for us, coming from a different country and winning a Grammy, I mean that's something we never even thought of before. Thank you thank you so much” 

Taeyong steps to the side to give other members a chance to say something. Taeil steps up to thank specific people. 

“I want to give a huge thanks to our team, my parents, and our fans. I swear this never would’ve happened without you guys. I love you so much and please never forget that.” 

And with that the rest of the members walk off stage waving with smiles. They come back to you but this time you see them differently, they’re not just the guys you grew up, they’re Grammy award winning artists. 

You begin to cry just as much as them with tears of pure happiness streaming down your face. Mark comes up to you and brings you into his arms, you bury your face into his arms and cling onto him, bringing him as close as you can to his body. 

“I love you so much, thank you” he says quietly 

you look up from his chest from what he just said.

“Mark stop joking.” 

Without him saying anything back he pulls you into a deep kiss. You don’t even begin to kiss him back til 5 seconds later because of how shocked you are. The rest of the members don’t know what to be surprised by anymore, the fact that you and Mark shared your first kiss, or that they just won a Grammy. 

“Aw! You guys are so cute!!” Haechan exclaims. You pull him and other members into another group hug as a way to express your gratitude to them....

--------------

The night is over now. its 3:19 am and you’re now back at the hotel, sitting up in your bed next to a small lamp typing in your laptop about how today was your most happiest day. 

“y/n, lay down now. We have another long day tomorrow” “I will Mark, soon, just wait” you say back

You get a message on your from Doyoung saying 

“I knew you liked him :) i'm NEVER wrong” 

You ignore it for now feeling too tired to respond. After all those hours of screaming in the audience, crying, and just being simply happy, you’re worn out and decide to turn the lamp off and lay down next to Mark. Falling asleep peacefully…

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[offshore-writes-blog]

searching for a roommate: maybe also love

gif originally posted by marksseunie

soulmates!au  (part 1/?)

genre: lots of angsttttt

pairing: Mark x OC

inspired by prompt: (i’ll add the link of the list when i find it)

8. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.”

100. ”You’re my soulmate?!”

note: i haven’t proofread this im sorry. another part is coming soooooon. forreal though. 

they say that your soulmate and you sometimes have the same birthmark on your body or some inscription just appears onto your skin one day; the exact same as your soulmate. but i’m convinced that soulmates don’t have to romantic. they really don’t. i think my friend ray is my soulmate. he’s funny and so smart. he’s also so gay. like makes out with his boyfriend in front of me; hinting that i should leave our apartment. he can literally read my mind; how could that be? we’ve been friends for years. we’ve been through everything.

when he’d come out to me the day we’d both come back to our hometown after a semester at our separate universities; we spent the night crying; him at being free and me because he was finally feeling like himself. he’s seen me through every speed bump in my life and still loves me. so like? isn’t that what soulmates are??

i tread quietly into our shared apartment; hoping that ray and his boyfriend (ed) are asleep or at least out of the living room. yeah, so we’re in a big city now but the rent is crazy; despite somewhat promising careers; we can’t afford an apartment without each other.  

letting out a sigh of relief, i put my bag down onto the couch. the apartment’s empty like they hadn’t just wordlessly told me to get the fuck out of here two hours ago. i’d gone to a local coffee shop; to get some writing done. (im a journalist but what i really want to do is write a goddamn book; about anything that makes me heart ring)

the next morning, i wake up to an empty apartment again; strange. assuming that ray’s slept over at ed’s place, i start my morning routine; a quick workout and heading into the shower. i’m not called in today so i can actually have breakfast today. normally, i’d be out the door at 5:30am for the 7am news or outdoor braving the weather to prove to the entire city; that YES it is bad out there; please stay at home.

i’m in the middle of humming to myself as i clean the apartment. although we’re not that messy, we could be cleaner. i hear the keys jingle at the door and look up expectedly to see ray, of course. “hey!” i greet; pausing the music on the speakers from my phone.

“hey…” closing the door behind him, he puts the keys down by the table at the door. lips pressing into a thin line, he walks up behind the couch.  

uh oh. this is trouble. i let go of the broom and watch him; waiting for him to say something. only the couch between us; shaking my head slightly at him to say hellooo? speak now

“ed and i were talking last night …”

“just talking?” i raise an eyebrow and he chuckles softly but continues

“we were talking. and it was like really romantic.” he pauses and looks at me again; trying to read my face i know it. but i dont know what he wants to see because I'm just listening to him intently. “we’ve been together for almost a year now, arista.”

is this going where i think this is going? i wanna be happy for ray. i really do. but my breath gets caught up in my throat. like i can barely get another breath in. so he’s moving out. and i’m going to be alone.

his brows are furrowed now, reading my face. “ari, please.” he pouts, coming over to me; pulling me into him. “look, we want to move in together.” he finally says it but he already knows i know. “and we don’t have a definite date, alright? there’s no way i’m going to just leave you.” i nod and pull away; trying to not look so pathetic.

“it’s fine.” it’s not. i nod but i know he knows i'm not. but if i say i’m fine maybe he’ll feel less guilty.

ed is ray’s soulmate. they both have the same birthmark on their left arm right below their elbow and to further confirm it, they also have another shared inscription on the crook of their necks; just a number; 15. ed’d been wearing a number 15 jersey when ray saw him at our local coffee shop. ed’d played lacrosse at uni so he still wears it when he’s feeling not so good. that day he’d been getting coffee after binge-drinking the night before over an ex. it’s like meant to be. i remember ed pausing as he entered the shop with me. like he could just sense his soulmate was there.  

to be fair, he and i also shared a birthmark. on the bottom of our feet, it’s shaped like a heart but it’s faded more and more as the years went by. but it doesn’t bother us. we’re best friends till we get to the other side of life; really. so i really believe soulmates aren’t just romantic.

“guys, this is it.” i announce, coming out my room with my laptop in my arms. “this city is full of creeps and i’ll never find a roommate.” i hear the two of them sort of pause their conversation and chuckle at me. plopping down between ed and ray on the couch. “look at this!” i gesture to my screen. i’d posted an online listing about a roommate but so far, everyone i’ve contacted have been dodgy. they didn’t want to give their job descriptions or thought i was being distrustful when i suggested an interview.

“you’ll find someone.” ed tried comforting me awkwardly; patting my back as ray rested his head on my shoulder.

god i wish i could be mad at the two of them. how dare they be so in love!! they were being awfully nice about only moving in till i found a new roommate.

//

it’s fucking storming outside. the wind is crazy. and now i have to act like i didn’t just spend 20 hours straight writing up an article and head out to report the fucking weather.

it’s 4am when i get the call. i’d only gone to sleep 2 hours ago. begrudgingly i leave the comfort of my bed and start getting dressed.

it’s 5:30 when me and the camera crew are at the ferry pier; where the wind is the strongest and most obvious.

“you look like absolute hell.” i hear one of the cameraperson comment about me. we’ve worked together for years now so we have some rapport and honestly, i don’t disagree. i still scoff and raise my finger at him.

they’re putting some make up on me inside the van now. i even have to change inside this tiny van so it’s just me and the mary; one of the crew. she helps out with everything behind-the-scenes.

“hey hey hey, what’s that?” she quickly points down as i sit topless with only my bra on. i look down to myself; seeing as her finger’s pointing on the top of left boob.

“what?” i say and look closer; she does too. “what is it?”

“is that a mark?”

“i’ve never seen that.” i comment quietly.

“it’s shaped like a heart.” mary comments and smiles too cutely at me; teasing me. “it’s a soulmate thing!!” she finally exclaims as it registers to her the same moment it registers to me.

is this a soulmate mark?

i don’t really think about the mark again. i have a lot on my plate. a job and searching for a roommate that isn’t going to kill me in this big city.

////

but one night, we’re letting loose. one of my friends grace is hosting a big party. she’s dating his hotshot up-and-coming stylist-turned-model guy who goes by the name bambam. immediately, i hear the dude’s name and i’m intrigued. i get my hottest (and probably sluttiest) ensemble and head to the club they’re holding the party. i can’t remember what the party’s for but i remember being invited so i go with ray and ed.

the club exudes really expensive and mysterious vibes. god i cannot even imagine the price of these drinks. thank god we’re here for a party. i note to myself. through the sea of people, i make it to grace. she has a gorgeous figure beside her, who i assume is bambam. we hug briefly before she introduces us to him.

ray, ed and i share pleasantries with the couple and they gesture over to another private area. ooooh so this is where it gets interesting. the private area  i see a booth and vaguely recognise the faces and head over. i finally recognise jackson and jaebum. i know through mutual friends and we have spent a couple of wasted nights so.

“arista!” jackson shouts and we hug each other tightly. “god where have you been?” he asks, looking at me after pulling away. he gives a little nod to ray and ed too; giving lil bro hugs.

“i’ve been busy with work.” i finally say, still kind of hovering over the round booth; making my way to jaebum while ray and ed sit beside jackson. jaebum and i hug briefly and he gives me this look. “what?” i say as he moves a little and lets me sit inside the booth on his other side just between him and jackson; while the other is occupied by a face i don’t recognise.

“you act like we don’t have jobs.” he teases with a little smirk. i smack him and click my tongue. “but seriously, where have you been?”

“well, ray’s leaving me.” i announce dramatically and all eyes land on him. “i’ve been trying to look for a roommate who’s not going to kill me or grope me.” i explain and the rest of the table laughs a little. suddenly my eyes land on a few faces i’ve never seen. “i’m sorry we’re being rude.” i say. “i’m grace’s friend, arista.” i extend my hand over to the guy on jaebum’s other side.

“mark.” he speaks and his voice sounds smooth. like really smooooth. strong but also soft? i try not to show that i’m into his voice and look over to see another girl beside him.

“jennie.” she smiles at me and my breath is taken away. she’s beautiful. both mark and her. actually everyone on this table except me. thank god my outfit looks hot and is compensating for my lack of actual natural beauty.

“you are gorgeous.” i blurt out, kind of losing myself in her eyes. wow. girls are amazing. “sorry.” i say almost immediately and jennie smiles shyly but something about her aura tells me she’s confident. like she’s kind of a force to be reckon with.

“is this why all the blind dates haven’t worked out?” jackson finally says. “we’ve been setting you up with guys.” he nudges me, laughing.

“they don’t work out because you set me up with guys who are exactly like you and it makes me think of you.” i roll my eyes, sipping his drink.

“you think of jackson on your dates?” jennie teases now. “maybe you two should…” she adds with a few blinks, smiling mischievously.

everyone at the table groans except mark and jennie. the two of us look at us with amusement and i notice mark finally smile a little wider. our eyes meet and i feel my heart stop but look away.

“jennie, don’t get us started.” ray finally says. “these two…”

“let’s not talk about this before i’m at least 20% tipsy.” i run my fingers through my hair; already having a hard time having to explain what weird things jackson and i have done.

we’ve never dated. i’ve literally had a crush on jaebum since the three of us started partying together. jackson’s been nothing to kind to me. everyone thinks he’s this joker who’s wild and just funny. he is wild and funny but he’s a hard-worker and so compassionate about people in his life. he took me home when i saw jaebum hook up with girls on our many nights of partying. and people just didn’t believe that we didn’t fuck. so it was just easier to not deny or really say why we always end up together after a night of drinking.

after a couple of hours later?? time is an illusion i don’t even know but grace and bambam finally join us. (probably having entertained the other 100 of their guests) we’re all a couple of rounds in with our drinks when they do join us. i’m being a little too giggly now. but i can’t control it.

“as the only people in a serious committed relationship,” ray pauses and looks at grace. “no offence.” he continues. “ray and i have decide we will not participating in this round of dare or dare.” the whole table groans at them feigning annoyance.

grace whines a little but the two of them stand firm. they leave for the dance floor; giggly too. they’re totally go bang somewhere, i acknowledge in my head. but i guess i said it out loud because everyone’s laughing.

“alright alright alright.” bambam finally says as he and grace take up where ray and ed had been sitting. “let’s get started.”

// 

i think it’s form of ptsd because i’ve completely blacked out what happened last night. after ed and ray left. i don’t remember a single thing. but i’m home. thank god. i'm still in my clothes from last night. this navy sparkly body-hugging dress seems ridiculous now as the daylight seeps through my curtains.

what the fuck happened i wonder as my head’s pounding. i walk out to see jackson and ray at our breakfast bar.

“well good morning drama queen.” ray greets with an amused expression; seeing me walk out my room and jackson also turns his head to see me.

“oh no what did i do.” i'm limping.

“what didn’t you do?” jackson teases as he chews.

“seriously tell me.” i nod, with my head down, looking at the kitchen counter.

//

“i dare you to kiss the person who you want the most. at. this. table.” jennie yells through the music to me. my heart’s beating fast. a dare’s a dare. the drinks help me brave this. i turn to face jaebum who’s just watching like the rest at the table; amused. then i look around the table like i’m thinking about it. but i already know i want to kiss jaebum. my eyes go to stranger mark. his lips are pursed as he watches me a little too intensely. even in my inebriated state i know mark’s intensely looking at me. i wonder if it’s because i feel spellbound whenever i look at him.

“hurry!!!” bambam yells and I'm pulled back into the game.

grace and jackson throw me a knowing look. but they know I'm a bit too prideful to lose the game. so i face jaebum again and pull him by his shirt collar. i want to kiss him so bad. i look at him and his eyes widen a little and his usual smirk is misplaced from his face. then i let go.

“i give up.” i shrug. this is the first time i’ve given up on a dare. i’ve possibly made an acquaintance bust in their pants by riding their thigh but kissing jaebum? i can’t do that. when you forfeit a dare, you’re out of the game. something in me snaps and i get teary eyed and leave the table, pushing past jaebum and mark. this is so so soso embarrassing.

i avoid the booth for the rest of the night. jackson and grace find me in the toilet sobbing. why am i even crying? god.

“did you see his fucking face?” i say through my tears. “like me wanting to kiss him was so absurd and bizarre.”

“babe, no.” grace hugs me. “he was just surprised. ‘cause you and jackson are so tight.”

“yeah, grace’s right.” jackson croaks and pats my head. “c’mon, you don’t wanna waste your night in here.” he says and that makes me smile.

i’m drunker than i’d been an hour ago. i'm in the middle of dance floor now with ray and ed; the losers of the dare and dare. although i feel a pair of hands on me, i just keep dancing. i kind of want it to stay. i just want to not remember that jaebum doesn’t like me and will never see me that way.

the next thing i know, i’m being scolded by jaebum outside the club. after he’s pulled me out the toilet after seeing me in a very compromising position.

“arista, could you try to be more responsible?” he says with exasperation. “you don’t even know that guy. what’s going on with you tonight?” he softens at the last part.

“i am responsible!” i whine, pushing him. “people hook up at clubs all the time.” i yell. “i’ve seen you do it! right in front of me a hundred times.” i’m yelling but my voice cracks at the last time.

“people do it. i do it. but you don’t do it, arista. i know you.”

“what the fuck do you know?” i push past him, annoyed. i can’t even gage how angry he is because of how intoxicated i am.

“arista, you’re not going back in. i’m taking you home.”

“look, i’m going to screw that guy’s brains out then we can go.” i say mindlessly. god drunk arista is that bitch.

jaebum grips onto my wrist. “arista.” his voice is low, trying to hold in his anger.

i jerk my head around to see him. his nostrils are flaring a bit i remember thinking he looked beautiful. his hair’s a bit of a mess after a long night. his chin’s pointing out now; he’s mad. even drunk me knows that’s a sign on his face of anger boiling. but i can’t help it. i giggle.

“you’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.” my voice comes out differently. but i feel a small smile on my face. my hands want to touch his face but he’s holding one of my hands already.

he drops my hand and looks at me incredulously. he wants to laugh. “god, you are so drunk.” he still doesn’t believe that i like him. just because i'm drunk.

ray comes out the club just in time. before i can fuck the situation up even more. “it’s okay jae, i can handle this drama queen.” he breathes with an easy smile; like i hadn’t just been pouring my feelings to him.

//

ray and jackson console me rest of the day. so my life’s kind of messy now. at least i have a job i love. i spend the entire day ignoring my phone. if i was a mess like that in real life i don’t even want to see who i texted what to.

//

it’s a couple of nights later. i’m finally home from work. the apartment’s empty and i anticipate that this is how it’s going to be the rest of my life. eventually, i’ll make ray move out (even though he says he will wait for me to find a roommate but it’s been a month of searching and still nada) and i’ll live alone being broke because this apartment is too expensive but also too comfortable to leave.

when the door bell rings, i’m in the kitchen cooking, stretching my neck to watch the tv from there. who is that? i try to remember if i’d ordered anything recently. and as i look out the peep hole, i'm startled.

it’s mark.

[mochimim]

Spotlight

Genre: Fluff, ANGST, Celebrity! AU

Word count: 7.7k (my longest oneshot ever !!)

Pairing: Jimin x reader

Summary: The perfect guy, the imperfect celebrity

Warnings: Triggering topics - panic attack, thoughts of suicide

A/N: HELLO GUYS IM BACK WITH MY FIRST FIC IN QUITE A WHILE im so sorry tumblr deleted the post before this i haTE but it’s back so whooo !! this story is actually somewhat based on a personal experience, so I included a lot of personal thoughts and insights to try to make this better HAHAHAH but i hope yall like it !! i put in a lot of effort trying to write this fic and many BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS were shed but im finally done !! i really hold this story v close to myself because i actually felt all these things and i was a little delusional like the y/n in this fic !! please tell me how it was by dropping an ask into my inbox, both compliments and constructive criticism is good !! anyway besides this fic, im not yet done with dead leaves soRRY but feel free to leave me a request for the ending of chapter 7 (2nd last chapter !!) so drop me that asK ANYWAY IM RAMBLING AGAIN I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS FIC BYEEEEEE

"Miss, your interview is in less than 5 hours, are you sure that you want to be seen on national television with dog fur all over yourself?" Seulgi wrinkled her nose at me in disgust.

"Shut up Seulgi, I still have so much time," I flopped on my bed with my puppy on my chest. "And don't call me 'miss', I'm your younger sister. Don't be weird."

"You are the one who needs to shut up." She scoffed at me, but quickly started giggling and I joined in as well.

"No, but really, your stylist is waiting for you. What's his again? The cute one? Seok-min?" I let a small chuckle escape from my lips at her confusion.

"Seokjin," I got up and placed my puppy on the ground. "And take him. He's all yours." I cackled before sprinting out of my room, listening to her frustrated and embarrassed protests in glee.

"I will bet my entire career that you and Seulgi will get together by the end of this year." I mumbled to Seokjin as he handed me my outfit. He made a weird noise, probably thinking about the possibility.

"Yeah sure, I can hook it up." He said nonchalantly. I choked on my breath in utter horror and shock, I didn't think he would take me so seriously.

"Why are you making me wear something so pretty today?" I asked him as I got changed behind a curtain.

"What do you mean by 'pretty'? You look pretty every day." He said matter-of-factly, and I couldn't help but blush a little at his words.

"I'm not used to this. I can't rock dresses, full stop. I only look decent in a shirt and shorts." I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before walking out to sit down in the makeup chair. "Where am I going later, anyway?"

"You're an Academy Award winner, a Grammy winner, and you still don't know where you're going after this. Unbelievable." He called the makeup girl over and crossed his arms. I furrowed my brows, wondering how he linked the three things together.

"You're going on national television, stupid. You're going to be interviewed by Park Jimin!" He exclaimed and threw his hands into the air, almost hitting the makeup girl in the face.

"Who?"

He gave a little gasp at my obliviousness. "Do you not watch the evening news? He's the presenter after that. He does all the celebrity news, he interviews them on radio as well. He's like Korea's very own Ryan Seacrest! Only more beautiful and younger, and did I mention beautiful?"

"Uh, so, does this give me a reason to re-dye my hair?" I murmured as the makeup girl put some bright red lipstick on me, not really caring about whoever Park Jimin was.

"You've already done your makeup, silly. You wouldn't want to ruin her masterpiece, would you?" He said, posing more of a statement than a question. "Thank you Irene." He tapped her on her back as she scuttled away in fear.

"I don't think her name is Irene," I squinted my eyes at my reflection in the mirror.

"Whatever, you're almost ready. Time for hair, time for me to do my magic." He whipped a comb out of the pocket of his pants. "We have no time for re-dying of hair. And I think that this pink hair suits you. Also, don't worry about the interview with Park Jimin later. It will be a walk in the ‘Park’!" I groaned at his very lame joke and he chuckled softly.

I tugged at the hem of my dress, trying to pull it lower.

"Seulgi, why do you look so nervous? I'm the one going out there." I asked her as she bit her neatly manicured nails.

"Look, I'm just worried for you, don't mess this up for m- for yourself, okay? Also, I'm going to be in the same room as Pa-"

Heads were turned as a man walked into the room. He looked confident and cool. He was very handsome, with a charm that seemed to go around the room. His cotton candy coloured hair looked like it took hours to style, his makeup flawless. He wore a suit that looked a little too tight, but it accentuated his muscular arms, so I wasn't complaining.

"Park Jimin-"

Stop being so shallow, maybe he's a dick.

And suddenly, I was being pushed into the set. And right into Park Jimin's arms.

"Cut!"

I heard someone yell, and I swear I heard the entire studio sigh in unison. I didn't realise that I was in the Park Jimin's arms until he pulled me up, and I dusted off my dress.

"Sorry." I bowed to him and ran off to the standby area.

"Could we do that walk in part again? Come in less violently, thanks." The mysterious voice ordered me, and I nodded at the instructions.

After coming out less violently, the rest of the interview went fairly well. I didn’t mention any embarrassing things that could expose me, but I did comment on our similar hair colours, which was enough awkward for one day.

“Hey, we have the same hair!” I blurted out just before he could ask me a question. He tilted his head and was silent for a moment, but quickly caught on and smiled at me. I stretched my hand out for a high-five, hoping that he wouldn’t leave me hanging, and he didn’t. He flashed me the brightest smile I’ve seen in a while and gave me a high-five.

“He has the most gorgeous smile. His eyes smile along with him, did you know? He literally radiated happiness, Seulgi! I can’t believe it!” I exclaimed to my sister as we were leaving the venue, but quickly stopped myself from getting too hysterical over someone I just met.

“He really is a charmer. I got the chills just standing next to him.” Seulgi smiled to herself, quite pleased that she was able to stand next to him, and then I realised all the hype over him. I was going to start watching the celebrity news show from now on. I was going to b-

“Wait!”

I felt someone tap on my back and I turned around.

To be face to face with Park Jimin.

My bodyguard was going to push him away when I stopped him. Jimin looked out-of-breath.

“S-sorry for disturbing y-you. But, w-would you like to g-go out for lunch tomorrow? For w-work purposes, of course.” He asked as he caught his breath. I looked at his panting form, and my heart doubled in size.

Stop thinking of those things.

“YES!” I yelled, startling both him and Seulgi, making them jump a little.

“But miss, tomorrow you have t-”

“Cancel it!” I beamed at the glowing boy in front of me while trying to wave away my sister.

“Uh, we can go another time if you’re bu-” He blushed a little, scratching the back of his head. My eyes widened and I immediately waved my hands frantically.

“No, no! It’s okay, tomorrow is fine. I’m sure it isn’t important.” I smiled at him again, and he reciprocated the happiness.

“Okay! Could I get your number?” He handed me his phone and I willingly took it from him, not minding that it had a bright pink phone case. I punched my numbers in and handed it back to him eagerly.

“Thanks! I’ll text you later. See you tomorrow!” He bowed to me and walked back into the studio. By then, I felt like I was going to explode.

“You know, you’re supposed to meet your father tomorrow. Are you sure you want to cancel?” Seulgi asked me cautiously. I stopped in my tracks, thinking of him.

Did l really have to choose between my father and Park Jimin?

“Cancel the lunch appointment.” I sighed after a long time of just standing there. My sister made a sound of disapproval, but I ignored her and walked back to the car.

Park Jimin.

I went to Google him when I got home.

Actor, Presenter, Singer, Dancer

He seems really cool.

His fans love him because of his bubbly personality and kind words.

Seems legit.

Was in a band called BTS and was internationally known. However, the band disbanded due to unknown reasons. Whether the members are still close is still unknown.

He was in a band? That’s so hot.

Are you sure you want to read Park Jimin fanfic?

I’ve never been more sure in my life.

But, before I could click “yes”, my phone buzzed in my pocket. My gasped and snatched the phone out a little too excitedly to be greeted with Jimin’s text message.

Jimin: hello! This is y/n right? It’s Park Jimin. Are you able to meet at the dog cafe in Gangnam tomorrow at 1? xx

I am literally going to cry.

“Yes!” I screamed at my phone and threw it onto my bed. I pumped my fists into the air in joy and threw myself onto my bed as well. “He texted me!”

The next hour was just me doing some intensive research on Jimin for ‘work purposes’, or at least that’s what I told my sister, until I realised that he didn’t text me back. I picked my phone off the bed and read the message again. And then, it dawned on me.

I was the one who didn’t text him back.

I cried out in horror and quickly typed out a short message to reply him and not seem rude.

Me: hello Jimin! Yep tmr at 1 is gud HAHAHAHA c u !!!!

Too informal?

Me: hello Jimin. Tomorrow at 1pm at the dog cafe will be splendid. Thank you for your time.

Too formal?

Me: hello Jimin! Yeah tomorrow at 1 will be good! Thanks and see you there!

I guess that will do.

And I pressed send, waiting for him to reply like I expected him to send me a message at the exact same moment I sent him one.

[read at 6:45pm]

Oh, okay then. I’ll see him tomorrow anyway.

And I spent the rest of my evening thinking about him.

“So, is my dear y/n going on a date now?” Seokjin teased me as I looked for a dress.

“I think you’re a little too nosy today. Why are you peeking into my personal life? And I’m hanging out with a friend.” I shook my head. “Do you have an outfit for me to wear today? His- I mean their favourite colour is blue, so I want to wear blue.”

“So, you just diss me, and expect me to help you to impress some trick shot guy that might break your heart?” He crossed his arms.

“Ugh, okay then. There isn’t any, so I’m just gonna take this weird purple dress.” I sighed, in hopes of winning him over using reverse psychology.

“There are jeans in the bottom right drawer. And there are nice shirts somewhere in the top shelf I think.” Seokjin whispered to me, as if he didn’t want to get caught trying to help me. I giggled at him and went to search for the clothes. I picked out a simple white shirt and ripped jeans.

“Thank you, and sorry for the trouble.” I did a half-bow to him, actually relieved that he was here to help me. A small smile danced on his lips and I took it as a “you’re welcome” and walked out to get changed.

“Jimin! Hello!” I exclaimed as I got out of the car and saw him standing outside the cafe. He looked stunning as hell, with a long sleeved white sweater and black jeans that hugged his legs that were much prettier than my own, completed with a green beanie on his head.

“Oh, hello y/n. Are you ready to go in?” He flashed me his signature smile, and I was at a loss for words yet again. All I could muster was a slight nod, and he took my hand and led me into the cafe.

Park. Jimin. Is. Holding. My. Hand.

As we entered the place, we were greeted by at least a million puppies, nipping and yapping at our feet. Or at least I was. The dogs didn’t go near Jimin, strangely enough. I squealed at the cute puppies and picked some up to cuddle. Jimin tried picking one up, but it kind of growled at him, so he playfully growled back at it, making me giggle.

Many people in the cafe stared at Jimin and I, and I wasn’t sure whether it was because of Jimin’s good looks, his fame, my actor status or the fact that we were together. BUt it didn’t really bother me, I was just happy that I was with him at that moment.

With a puppy snoring on my lap and Jimin holding my hand in his, it was bliss.

“This one’s name is Bubbles, Jimin. He’s super cute, look at his face!” I whispered to him, afraid to wake the sleeping pup. He nodded fondly and peered at the dog’s face.

“He actually looks like my friend’s dog. I like him.” He nodded in approval and I smiled at him.

“I wonder why the puppies aren’t coming to you. Maybe I should trust them.” I jokingly said with a small wink. He chuckled at my teasing words and picked a dog up.

“What secret do you know about me? Huh?” He lowered his voice, trying to seem manly. But, the dog squirmed in his hands, so he put it down and it scuttled away.

“So, you’re an actress right? I’ve seen you in some dramas. You’re really good.” He murmured to me, and I swear I’ve never blushed so hard.

“Uh, i’m not very good. I just get casted in things for publicity, I guess.” I looked away from him in shame, not really wanting to talk about my career. “But how about you, Mr. actor-slash-singer-slash-presenter-slash-dancer? You’re multi-talented. That’s really cool.”

“I’m not that talented, come on. You’re-” he laughed at me, but was interrupted by a girl tapping on his shoulder. The girl looked about 15, with plaited hair and braces, and she held a notebook with Jimin’s face on it.

“Oppa-ya, could you sign this for me please?” She tilted her head to the side, making me want to laugh at her cute attempt of winning him over. He stared at the girl for a little while, and then magically whipped a pen out of thin air and signed her book. The girl was obviously really happy, as she squealed with joy when he handed the book back to her, and she went away skipping.

“I think that we should leave here and we can go to my house to chill out. It’s about a five minute walk from here. What do you say?” He suggested, and I willingly nodded, reluctantly carrying the sleeping puppy on my lap to his bed, and we left.

“Today’s weather is really nice, don’t you think?” I said it mostly to myself, but he hummed in response. I felt his hand brush against mine, and I laced my fingers in his. My cheeks were burning, but I could blame that on the weather.

And there we were, walking down Gangnam Street, ignoring all the surprised netizens and flashing of cameras. His expression looked a little strained, and I felt like mine was too, but when I looked at him all my worries melted away like ice cream on a hot summer day. He looked so beautiful in the bright sunlight, contrary to the sharp wind that tangled my hair and made me look like I was going very red.

We walked all the way until we reached a very tall, very modern building, and into a lift that took us to the penthouse. Once I stepped into his apartment, my mouth hung open. I couldn’t think straight looking at all that expensive looking furniture, and the five other beautiful men sitting on a couch that looked like it was bought with all the money I had earned.

“Ah, there they are! I’d like to meet my friends.” He squeezed my hand, and I had never been more glad that his seater covered his hands, because my hands were sweating.

It’s only been one date, and he’s introducing his friends to me now? This is going a little too fast, but I shouldn’t say anything.

“Guys, this is y/n. Remember her from that drama Temptation? Yeah, she was playing the young Park Jiwoo.” He asked the five men, and all of them sat up and nodded their heads.

“Y/n, the one in blue is Namjoon-hyung, the one in black is Yoongi-hyung, the one in green is Hoseok-hyung, the one in white is Jungkook and the other one in black is Taehyung.” He introduced, and I gave a polite bow to all of them. They all nodded to me, besides Taehyung and Jungkook who gave me an enthusiastic “hello!” each.

“I’m so sorry, I actually have to leave for a little bit, I have to settle some stuff with the producer of my evening show. I’ll only be gone for two hours at most. Would you like to stay here, or do you want me to take you home right now?” He said, not looking up from his phone.

“Um, I think I can stay here and wait for you,” I beamed at him, and he looked up at me and beamed back.

“Great! Guys, please treat her well and don’t scare her away.” He turned on his heels and came dangerously close to my face. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” He whispered to me, and his lips brushed my cheek. I felt a tingle run down my spine and I nodded furiously. And he smirked and left.

I stood awkwardly at the entrance of the apartment, facing the five guys. They gave me a small nod, and gestured for me to sit with them. I gulped and moved my wooden legs to sit on the comfiest couch i’ve ever sat on.

“So, y/n, how old are you? Are you a 95 liner like Jiminie?” The one in blue asked me. Namjoon, was it?

“Uh, I-i’m a 95 liner, yeah.” I stuttered, trying to hide my increasing nerves.

“Don’t be nervous, we don’t bite,” Hoseok chuckled, and I felt the need to smile along.

“So, are you and hyung going to get married? I like you, you seem really nice!” Jungkook blurted out, earning him a light smack on his arm by one of his hyungs.

“Um,” I coughed, expressing my nervousness. “We’ve only been on one date, so I don’t so as of now.”

“I think you guys are making her nervous, you guys should go now.” Yoongi told the rest in a monotonous voice. They all grumbled, but did as he said, and I said my silent thanks to Yoongi for helping me. He stayed on the couch, though, but I didn’t really mind.

“I’m Yoongi, if you forgot.” I nodded at him, confident that his name was the easiest to remember. “You don’t need to call me Oppa, if that was what you were thinking.” He clarified, and even though I wasn’t thinking about that, I nodded along.

After that awkward first words, we started talking. About our likes, dislikes, favourite things and least favourite things. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, and surprisingly relatable as well. We had many things in common, and we mostly talked about music. He liked rap and hip hop, so did I. I even let him listen to some of my songs that I had recorded for fun, and he gave me a stamp of approval.

“Wow, should I be honoured that THE Min Yoongi gave me a thumbs up on my joke song?” I giggled, and he flashed me a gummy smile that I never thought that I would ever see.

“Yes, yes you should.”

But, before I could show Yoongi my other joke song, Jimin came in from the lift and sat beside me.

“You seem really comfortable here, that’s a good sign. Would you like to stay for dinner? I think Jungkook is cooking glazed sweet potatoes, and it’s really an interesting experience to eat that.” He asked me, looking at me with those gorgeous eyes and I immediately nodded without thinking.

“Great, I’ll be in the kitchen for a bit. I’ll be back.” His hand lingered on my arm a little too long, and I felt my blush creeping up to my cheeks again. Yoongi had also gotten up to go to the bathroom, so I was alone in the living room.

I took my phone out to check the time, when I saw the twenty-one missed calls and fifteen messages Seulgi had sent me. I sighed and rubbed my temples, worrying that Seulgi was going to overworry. I called her back and held my breath, preparing myself for a big scolding from her. She was working for me, but I was still her younger sister.

“Unnie?” I whispered into the phone, and I heard her cry out in frustration.

“First, you don’t answer my calls, and now you’re suddenly calling me unnie? I was so worried for you! You just ignored my calls, and I had to do everything myself! Where are you right now? I’ll send someone to pick you up.”

“Seulgi, please. I’m fine. I’m at Jimin’s house, it’s fine! But, can I stay for dinner? Please, they asked and I already said yes.” I pleaded into the phone, not caring that Jimin had entered the room and sat on the space next to me.

“You have so much to do tonight, what are you doing being at his house for so long? You have to send emails to-”

“Yay, thanks Seulgi! I love you very much! I’ll be home before ten and I’ll have plenty of time to finish up my work thank you! See you, I love you!” I dragged out my last word before hanging up on her and exhaling very loudly. Jimin pet my head, and I instinctively leaned towards him and lay my head on his shoulder.

“Ewww~ You guys have only been on one date, and you’re already so lovey-dovey.” Jungkook came into the room wearing an apron that said “kiss the kook” and a very disgusted expression. I was going to comment on the younger’s cute words, but Jimin beat me to it.

“Date? What date?”

I felt my heart break into two.

He said it with such confusion, that I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not.

Jungkook’s eyes widened, making him look more like a child. He blinked at us awkwardly for a moment, but quickly came to his senses. “Dinner is ready, y’all can come now.”

Jimin got up and pulled me to my feet, and we made our way to the dining room together, but I suddenly lost all appetite.

He didn’t see today as a date? Then what did he think it was?

But, I pushed all my negative thoughts aside to be replaced by the glorious food in front of me. Not only could he ‘kook’, he could also cook.

We spent dinner talking about everything we could think of, and trying to pry the sweet potatoes off the plate. It was Jungkook’s special dish when everyone was sad or during a happy occasion, they told me, and I smiled at them.

After that day, Jimin and I became closer and closer. I ignored his words that hurt me before, and I tried to move on.

Maybe he just was trying to protect his dignity.

He texted a lot, and we called and video called a lot as well. We talked about everything, from good things to bad things, but we were never at a lost for words. We never got bored while talking, nor did we run out of things to say. Conversation flowed really well, and sometimes I felt myself wondering why I had ever doubted him for being a dick.

I talked a lot to Yoongi, as well. He was someone I could talk to comfortably without it getting too awkward. Our similar taste in music usually took the wheel in our conversations, we recommended music to each other and that strengthened our friendship.

Jimin and I went on a few more ‘dates’, or whatever he thought they were. We went out to eat, I went to his house to watch a romantic movie, we went shopping together, and many more things that I really cherished.

There were too many news articles about us to ignore, but Jimin didn’t seem to be bothered.

“It’s going to die out soon if we don’t address it, it’ll be okay.” He flashed that award-winning eye smile again, winning me over in a snap of a finger.

The news articles didn’t bother me, though. It was the number of news articles surrounded around our “pending relationship”. All of them said the same thing, all talking about how people saw us around together, holding hands and asking if the fans thought we would be a good couple or not. Most of the comments said we would be the cutest celebrity couple, and I didn’t deny them.

We were busy, I had a new drama that I was working on and he had his presenting career, but we made it work. We carved out time in between shoots to see each other, and even if we couldn’t see each other in person, we would call or text.

And every day, I fell more and more in love with him.

I couldn’t help it, it just happened. It hit me one day out of the blue. I didn’t just like him, I loved him. He brought so much happiness into my life, and introduced me to so many people that I wouldn’t ever trade for the world. I felt like if I ever let him go, all these things would suddenly disappear from my life, leaving me stranded in my own pit of loneliness and self-pity.

I also clung onto the hope that he would love me back.

Even when everything came crashing down.

So, I was close to two people in his friend group, Taehyung and Yoongi, and I really trusted the both of them. So, I told them my secret.

“I think i’m in love with Jimin.”

Taehyung spat his drink out onto the coffee table in front of him.

“Huh? What do you mean? You love Jimin? Are you sure this isn’t infatuation?” He spluttered out, probably very shocked at my sudden confession. Yoongi held his cam and cool exterior, so i didn’t really know what he was thinking at the moment.

“I don’t think it’s infatuation. Every time I go near him, or think of him, or talk to him, my heart begins to flutter. It’s not under my control, if I could I would definitely not want to feel like this, but I do. When we talk, I get excited over small things. I can feel it in my bones, Tae. have you ever felt this way about a woman?”

“Not about a woman,” he blushed and turned to face the back.

“Y/n-ah. Congrats on finding love and everything, but here’s the thing: do you want a relationship with him? Otherwise, all this is irrelevant.” He bluntly stated, making Taehyung shift in his seat and making me feel a little uneasy.

He had put it harshly, but he was right. So what if I found love but didn’t want a relationship? Did I really want to spend a long time, possibly the rest of my life, with this man?

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Okay, then good for you.” Yoongi curtly nodded and went back to scrolling through his phone. Taehyung seemed a little off, but quickly whipped out his phone and started scrolling too.

Was it so wrong that I loved him?

Me: Jimin-ah!I have about 2 hrs before our next shoot tgt! Would you like to come over or I can go over as well :^)

Jimin ❤️: busy.

Me: We can go to the venue together :^)

Jimin ❤️: can’t. sorry.

And that’s when it all came crashing down.

He hadn’t been like this before, why was he acting so cold towards me all of a sudden? Oh, cmon y/n, it’s just a text message, maybe he’s in a meeting. You’ll see him during filming.

And I did see him during filming, but he didn’t see me.

“Jimin!” I called out to him and waved. He looked back, but looked away just as fast. His pace quickened as he disappeared into his changing room. I was left there, hurt and very confused.

Our characters did not have much interaction except for one scene. And we were going to film that one scene that day. It was a comedy drama about two colleagues fighting for the head position but end up falling in love later in the story. He was playing the boy’s overprotective friend, who causes a lot of problems later in the story, but is checking the girl out to see if she is “worthy enough” to date his friend.

“Ya, are you the idiot who is dating my best friend?” He coughed into his fist, already fully into the character.

“Are you using informal language with me? We don’t even know each other.” I snapped back, wavering a little under his strong gaze.

“Ya, listen up, I’ve heard that I’m older than you. So back off.” He squinted at me.

“Look, I don’t even know you. I’m just here t-”

“You know, you’re really pretty. Easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” Jimin winked at me, and I desperately searched for any signs of genuinity in what he just said. After his character had said that line, my character was supposed to throw her cup at him, but I was too busy ‘looking for love’ that I totally forgot what to do and screwed the scene up.

When the director yelled cut and we returned to our original positions, I thought I saw him roll his eyes, but I chose to ignore it.

We did the scene one more time, and we wrapped it up perfectly.

“Hey, Jimin, you were really good!” I tapped him on the shoulder and smiled at him. The corners of his lips turned up a little, and I took this as a good sign.

“You too.” He nodded at me and walked away.

Well, it could have been worse. He could have totally ignored me, but he didn’t. Does this mean that he likes me, just a little?

I spent the rest of my day smiling and thinking of him.

But as we got further and further into the filming, he ignored me more and more, and interacted with me only when it was necessary. We stopped texting regularly, and he stopped asking me out to hang. We kind of just stopped everything we had.

But, I still prayed and hoped that he had some feelings for me, because I sure did have feelings for him.

I started hanging out with Yoongi more than him, and we would just sit and talk about anything and everything under the sun. But, I needed to ask him about Jimin.

“Yoongi-ah, do you think Jimin thinks that I like him? Is that why he’s acting so strange?”

“Oh, he knows that you like him.”

What?

“What? Who told him?” I yelled, running over to his side. “Oh my god, I can’t fucking breathe. I’m going to faint.” I started hyperventilating and everything looked a little blurry.

“I think it would be best if you didn’t faint on me,” he said with a serious tone, but I could tell that he was a little worried. “I heard Jungkook talking about it to Hoseok, that Jimin knows that you like him. I didn’t tell him, if you’re wondering. And I don’t think Taehyung did either. Besides, I don’t think he’s acting strange on purpose. I’ve known Jimin for eight years now, he’s a genuine dude. He wouldn’t hurt someone intentionally. He’s just a little oblivious.”

“Do you think that he will forget about this?” I looked up at Yoongi with tears ready to spill out at any negative response Yoongi was forming in his head.

“I honestly think that he will. It might take a while, but he’ll eventually forget it and everything will go back to normal. Jimin doesn’t hold grudges easily, and I think that he’ll understand later on. But we will save that story for a time when we’re all old. You can still have feelings for him, nobody’s going to stop you. And you know, maybe he’ll like you back, but I can’t decide that for him. You just have to be patient and see what happens.” He reassured me, holding my chin up to face him as my warm tears glided down my cheeks in silence. “But for now, let’s go get some ice cream to calm you down a little. And let’s bring Seulgi along, I think she feels a little left out sometimes.” He stood up, and pulled me to my feet. He draped an arm around my shoulder and I buried my face into his shoulder.

“Thanks Yoongi.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

With Yoongi’s blessing, I continued to harbour feelings for Jimin. Seeing as I saw him almost every other day, I thought about him a lot. As I saw him acting, I thought about how he was so talented. His character was basically the comic relief, he made me laugh until my sides hurt. He never failed to make my day, and I hoped that my scenes made his day as well.

I would try to initiate conversation and we would occasionally have a short conversation about anything we wanted to talk about. I was really happy when he replied to my messages, I sometimes would screenshot our messages and show them to Seulgi so she could fangirl over the fact that I was friends with her celebrity crush.

“Y/n, can I be super honest?” She asked me once while looking at our messages. I was sitting on the couch, eagerly waiting for her reaction.

“Yeah, sure.”

“He seems like he’s replying with very little effort. You see, you typed such a long message here, and all he replied you with was a ‘cool’. I think you’re putting in too much effort into this, little sis. You might want to back down a little, give the dude some space for a bit and try again.” She sighed, and I felt a little bit of anger boiling up inside of me, not sure whether it was because of her blunt words, or the fact that I had suspected it as well.

“Seulgi, I don’t think you should butt into things like this anymore.” I murmured, taking my phone from her and slinking back to my room, locking the door behind me. I flopped onto my bed and had a long, silent cry.  

I could sense that he wasn’t really putting in much effort, but he replied me. He could have ignored me.

As the months passed by, my love for him grew stronger, he pushed me away more and more, until we stopped talking altogether. I didn’t really like the distance between us, even if we saw each other regularly, and I kind of slipped into a slump. I was constantly lethargic, I had massive headaches and I felt a little numb to all emotions. Sometimes, I would lie on my bed, body ridden with insomnia, thinking about him, about us. What we were. But sometimes, I cried myself to sleep, as dramatic as that sounds.

My heart ached for him, I felt empty without him, and when I was with him, I felt heartbroken. I didn’t know how or what to feel. There were a few thoughts of self-harm running through my mind, and I did attempt to do it, but when I picked up the blunt butter knife, I couldn’t hurt myself. There was something in me screaming that it was a bad idea, and I would just end up sitting on the ground, unharmed on the outside but broken on the inside. I mentioned these things to Yoongi, and he was very supportive even though he didn’t quite understand.

“Yoongi, I feel really bad right now. Is this normal?”

“Y/n-ah. You shouldn’t feel bad. Like I told you, I’m very sure that Jimin doesn’t know that he’s hurting you. I won’t tell him so you won’t be ashamed, but I don’t think that this is something you want to keep up with. It’s very problematic and it’s taking a very obvious toll on you. You look so thin, and your eyes are dull. Take a little break of filming is what I think you should do.” He continued to talk but I couldn’t really hear him anymore.

I looked down at myself, my wrists, my thighs, my stomach. All of them seemed thinner than normal. But that was just because I had no appetite, I wasn’t bulimic or anorexic, I simply just didn’t feel like eating. But why?

There were so many articles talking about how thin I was. My fans were very supportive, telling me to be strong and be healthier, but they didn’t know what this felt like. Only I did.

And that’s when I decided that I was going to get over him.

I knew that it was going to be difficult and extremely painful for me, but this ‘relationship’ I had in my head was obviously not going to happen in real life. I didn’t blame Jimin at all, it was not his fault, neither was it mine. But sometimes, things just happen, or they don’t.

“I’m going to get over him, I’ve been stuck in this crush for too long already. It’s almost been a year and a half, I think I’m ready to stop.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I told Yoongi, and I had no intention of holding them back.

“I’m here for you.”

So, from then on, I promised myself that I would get over him. Every time I thought of him, I would mentally slap myself and think of something else, which sort of worked, but my mind would naturally gravitate back to him like a paperclip to some sort of magnet, and I had to repeat the process, leaving me mentally and physically drained by the end of the day.

I was a pretty vocal person, so I decided to talk to Yoongi about it. He was a good listener, quiet and sturdy, and he sat quietly next to me, hearing all my feelings through text or in person. Sometimes he gave me advice, which was mostly to naturally get over him, but most of the time he just sat there listening intently.

I tried talking to my other friends as well, leaving his name as a blank, but they all gave me the same response: if you want to get over him, just stop talking about him, that way you won’t think about him as much. But I already thought about him on a daily basis, so what was the difference if I shut up?

I couldn’t breathe.

All the air in my body felt like it was being sucked out. I felt like dying.

I just got home from a photoshoot that went terribly wrong because the camera director thought that I was not the right model and started throwing a fit. It turned out okay in the end, at least he didn’t hurt me, but it still hurt my feelings.

As my car was pulling up into my driveway, I felt nauseous. I bolted out of the car and ran straight for the toilet, where I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl. NOt that there was much to empty, though.

I just sat on the ground, and reality hit me. Getting over him was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I had done many crazy things to prepare for a role, like egg someone’s house to study their reaction, cut my hair unevenly to see what the media would say about me, and hug random strangers on the street to see what they would do.

None of them was as hard as staying conscious while having a panic attack.

And there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, having a panic attack. My breathing was rapid and shallow, and I couldn’t think straight. All my thoughts flew out the window, but the thought of Jimin stayed with me, comforting and hurting me at the same time.

I started hysterically crying, and Seulgi started banging on the door. Everything was blurry and disoriented, like I was looking through a fisheye lens. I slammed my head on the wall a few times, trying to knock some sense into myself as I hyperventilated, but it didn’t work.

I was a mess, sobbing on the damp floor, eyes bulged out, gasping for air and comfort.

What do I do? What did I do? I can’t breathe.

I tried counting the number of light bulbs in the room to take my mind off this attack, but everything became blurrier, and I had to focus on staying conscious.

My trembling hands reached out for my phone in my pocket, I had no energy to grab so I just dragged it out and held it. It looked like it was vibrating, but it was just me. 

I dialed the first number that came to mind and held it next to my ear.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Yoongi, panic, attack, please, help.” I wheezed into the phone.

“Square breathe. Four in, four hold, four out, four hold. I’ll be there, just wait for me.”

He arrived at my house with a stuffed bear and a concerned expression. I stared at him from the mountain of blankets I had buried myself under.

Seulgi had managed to open the door to the bathroom and saw me crying on the floor. She immediately managed to get me up as I was too tired to resist and brought me to my room. She was in the kitchen making me a warm drink, and I thanked the gods for my wonderful and caring sister.

“What happened?” Yoongi said as he set the bear down.

“Yoongi, I don’t know what to do.” I hiccuped and closed my eyes to soothe the headache I felt coming on. “I really want to get over him, but I feel...I feel like...I don’t know how to explain it. But, I really love him. And when I try to forget him, it hurts. And when I think of him, it hurts. Yoongi, I am hurting. My heart is hurting. I can’t do this. I’ve never been in this much pain in my life.” I started crying all over again, but this time it wasn’t hysterical. It was the silent type, where tears just fell from your eyes, making you hurt even more. My nails dug into my skin, making little crescent indents into my arm.

I was going through so much, with the fame and now this. I couldn’t take it. It was too difficult.

“Yoongi, i’m in so much pain. I want to hurt myself, but I can’t. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t continue with life like this, Yoongi, I can’t.”

I looked up and saw tears rolling down his pale cheeks, but he didn’t make an effort to wipe them away.

“It’s going to be okay.”

1 year later

“Jimin-ah! Is that you?” I yelled out, and he turned around to face me. A grin spread across his face like wildfire, and he walked towards me with a spring in his step.

“Y/n! How have you been? I haven’t seen you lin like a year!” He stepped forward and embraced me. I felt the urge to wriggle out of his touch, but I took a deep breath and hugged him back. It felt good.

“I’ve been good, a little busy with filming and photoshoots, but otherwise good! We should meet up sometime to hang out.”  I smiled at him warmly, and he returned the smile with a genuine one. But, after a while, his smile faded a little, and there was a glint of worry in his eyes.

“Y/n, I need to tell you something.” He held my hands, and my breath quickened a little.

“Yoongi told me about what happened last year. About, you know, me and you.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I just wanted to apologise. I swear I didn’t intentionally hurt you. I was just a little freaked that a beautiful girl like you would love an idiot like me, so I wanted to distance myself a little. I didn’t know that I would end up hurting you. I was so immature and I really just want to start over with you. Do you forgive me?”

‘Hmm,” I pretended to think, picking at my nails, teasing him a little. “I’d have to think about that. But do you know what will make me make my decision faster? Us hanging out, sometime next week? I’ll call you.” I gave him a playful thumbs up, and he laughed as he shook his head.

“Of course, we’ll arrange a date.”

“It’s settled then.” I did a playful bow to him and started to skip away, but dipped my head backwards to say something before I left.

“Hey Jimin,” I called to him and he raised his head to look at me with confusion. “Remember when I was whipped for your ass?” He tilted his head and I flashed him a cheeky smile.

“Yeah, me neither.”

[fashiontrendin-blog]

I’m 33 and Just Bought My First Vibrator

http://fashion-trendin.com/im-33-and-just-bought-my-first-vibrator/

I’m 33 and Just Bought My First Vibrator

At 33 years old, I have run a marathon, snorkeled in the clear blue waters of the Phi Phi Islands, moved across the country twice, and have never owned a vibrator. I was raised in a Southern Baptist household where the only word on sex was, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Throughout my adolescent years, I tried my hardest to keep this commandment in its most technical sense. I rounded all the bases except the big one. But after a significant breakup toward the end of college, I decided to just have sex already. In the nascent stage of separating my faith from my religion, I decided God couldn’t be that enamored with my ability to abstain from sex. And guess what? Despite all my bible study teachers over the years warning that committing adultery would cause awful things to happen, nothing came to pass. Sex was… fine.

My soul wasn’t taken out of my body like when Ursula took Ariel’s voice in The Little Mermaid. I didn’t pine after the guy I lost my virginity to, nor have I pined over the other guys I’ve had sex with since.

Yet even though I had decided my religion’s demonization of sex was not for me, the idea that pursuing sexual pleasure was somehow sinful stuck with me. And I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight, that my self-inflicted penance for committing premarital sex was not pursuing orgasms of my own, and instead simply thanking God for the ones that came without trying. For years.

By the time I hit my 30s, though, I learned life has a way of forcing people out of their own prisons. For me, that came in the form of a marital separation. It felt like a cruel joke from the universe to go from years of reliable, meaningful, safe sex to absolutely no sex at all. I tried perusing my options on Tinder for a couple weeks, but for some inexplicable reason found the app-driven optimization and curation of sexual possibilities to be overwhelming and off-putting. Something had to give, though, and when I started eyeing a stuffed animal in my room, I knew I needed to get serious about pleasing myself — the adult way.

I’d considered getting a vibrator over the years, but it seemed like something that was for ladies. Ladies who drank a classy glass of wine after a day in the corner office. Ladies whose lives were so together, they successfully executed an annual tropical beach vacation in the wintertime. Ladies who kept their pretty vibrators tucked away in a perfectly organized chest of drawers and, perhaps most importantly, experienced zero guilt when it came to pursuing their pleasure.

Then one day, while lugging my groceries up four flights of stairs, a thought occurred to me: If I can support myself living in New York and eschew ordering takeout every night, then I can also confront my own irrational guilt by learning to pleasure myself beyond the limitations of my fingers. Maybe I, too, am a lady — one interested in knowing my own body as opposed to waiting for a partner to solve my vaginal Rubik’s cube. So at 33, I decided to acquire my first vibrator.

Tucked under my covers with All Things Considered streaming from my iPad, I poured over online reviews on indie sex toy websites. When the number of options began to make me dizzy, I jokingly searched “vibrator” on Amazon, convinced that the same place I order protein powder and neon Sharpies wouldn’t also sell sex toys. Of course, I audibly gasped when I saw that even Jeff Bezos was invested in my pleasure. Still, I was at a loss, and as All Things Considered wrapped up and The Moth began, it occured to me that even if I bought a vibrator, I might not know what to do with it. After a cursory glance at YouTube’s quite disturbing “how to use a vibrator” search results, I abandoned my hunt and resolved to figure it all out later.

A few days later, while awaiting a call about a job I’d interviewed for, I decided there was no time like the present. Rather than throw myself back into the decision paralysis of online vibrator shopping, I decided to do it the old fashioned way and go to a local sex toy shop. I put on nondescript yoga pants and thanked God for the rainy weather that called for an identity-concealing jacket. Not exactly the picture of female empowerment, I thought to myself as I pulled my drawstring hood taught to cover most of my face, but it will have to do.

As I approached the sex toy store, my heart began racing and thoughts of fake alternative errands or maybe giving my fingers another try pinballed off the panicked edges of my mind. When I got to the door, I physically hurled myself into the store before I could second-guess the decision and was immediately taken aback by its calming interior. A group of young women were giggling at some of the sex prop contraptions on the wall. An older couple was quietly perusing sex toys as if in a museum learning about Byzantine architecture. I did a lap around the entire store by myself, trying not to let my facial expressions give away my delighted surprise at all the naughty objects lining the walls, hanging from racks and resting in velvety showcase boxes.

When I finally asked the saleswoman for help, she took her job as seriously as the straight part down the center of her head and was completely uninterested in my self-deprecating humor. “Most first-timers go for vibrators like this,” she said with an eyeroll, holding up a sparkly confetti stick that had to be two feet long. It was the exact vibrator that had caught my eye earlier because all sparkly confetti things catch my eye, but the saleswoman said that it was made with a porous material and had limited functionality. I told her about my budget and my quest to learn more about my body, and she directed me to a wall with much less sparkly offerings. “So this is a dual action vibrator,” she said, holding up a neon green instrument that looked like a futuristic cooking utensil. She pressed one of the buttons and it started waving at me. I jumped and laughed; the saleswoman was unmoved.

“Just to be clear, it’s going to do that … inside of me?” I asked.

“Yes. This will be your best bet for G-spot stimulation.”

Having grown up thinking the G-spot was an urban legend, I instantly saw how my Texas sex education had failed me. The saleswoman pressed another button and it started waving and vibrating. She pressed another button and the waving increased while the vibrating decreased. Another button press and, hilariously, it seemed like the sex toy had caught the holy ghost.

Eventually I chose my vibrator — one of the futuristic cooking utensils, but in pink — and followed the saleswoman to the cash register. “Do you have lube? As a first timer, you definitely want to use lube,” she said as she rang me up. In an effort to hold onto whatever shards of dignity I had left, I quipped: “Of course I have lube.” I did not have lube.

When I got home, I opened the vibrator with the precision of an archeologist removing soil from a precious fossil. After putting the vibrator ever so carefully aside, I cleaned up my room, deciding I wanted proper first vibrator experience, which apparently involved an uncluttered room. I decided against vibrator background music, not wanting to ruin a good song in the event things didn’t go well. After double-checking to make sure my roommate wasn’t home and that her judgmental dog was tucked away in her room, I gave it a go.

As I fidgeted with the settings like a fumbling flautist, I kept thinking, Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right? Until, well, I didn’t have to ask. After the fact, just like when I had sex for the first time, I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner.

When I was done, I set it aside with a fraction of the care I’d used before and opened my Moleskine agenda to get on with life. As with my foray into sex, my first vibrator experience was perfectly fine. My life did not suddenly change in some fundamental way after using it, and considering that I still think of showers as a daily inconvenience, I’m still decidedly not a “lady” … by society’s standards, at least.

Instead, my newfound exploration has allowed me to define what it means to be a woman who knows what she needs on her own terms. In a relatively short amount of time, I’ve transitioned from fumbling flautist to competent cellist. It’s refreshing to spend time with myself, to laugh at the maneuvers that are a definite NO, to identify the positions that make me yell out a Herbal Essence-inspired YES! YES! YES! Now I know what I need to please myself — and I’ll know how to articulate those needs to another person when the time is right, guilt-free.

Jennifer Epperson is a proud Texan living in New York. She has written for Lenny Letter, Estia Collective, and Blavity and writes sketch comedy for Magnet Theater. You can follow her on Twitter @comeonjennfoo.

Photos by Madeline Montoya.