#the one assumption i allow myself is: God does not lie

[queenlucythevaliant]

Hi Leah! I have what is probably a stupid question if you feel like answering it? (If not, that’s alright too!)

Like a lot of people, I was brought up to believe in a very literal interpretation of the book of Genesis, told that evolution was a worldly lie, etc., but I’ve grown much more curious and open minded about other views in recent years. So my understanding was that there was no such thing as death until Adam and Eve’s sin? And I was wondering if/how evolution and natural selection and everything would all work if death had not yet entered the world?

I have a feeling this is probably a very common question, and certainly something I heard a lot growing up, but framed less like a genuine question and more as a sort of well-obviously-a-real-Christian-can’t-believe-in-evolution statement. (Which is such nonsense! There are so many Christians who believe in evolution!) But I genuinely would like to know because I’m sure there’s a good answer!

Hey Juliana! Not a stupid question at all, my goodness. People dedicate whole lives and careers to considering these things and I've seen a pretty wide range of views on the subject, so I don't have a simple answer for you. That said, I do think there are good answers to be had and I'd love to opine as best I can!

So it's my understanding that the Hebrew word for death, mût, can refer to physical death and/or spiritual death (ie being alienated or cut off from God), depending on context. A really great example of where it's obviously used for the latter is Ezekiel 18, because the whole passage is a warning about spiritual death. I've excerpted verses 20-24 below with some help from Blue Letter Bible:

The soul who sins shall die (mût). The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself. But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die (mût). None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live.  Have I any pleasure in the death (mût) of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? But when a righteous person turns away from his righteousness and does injustice and does the same abominations that the wicked person does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds that he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, for them he shall die (mût).

I think it's obvious to any orthodox Christian (or heck, probably plenty of secular folks too) that this passage isn't talking about physical death, but about the death of a person's soul/the second death. This same word, mût, is also the word that's used in Genesis 2 and 3.

After Adam and Eve sin, they feel shame, try to hide from God, and try to avoid taking responsibility for what they've done. They realize their nakedness. They are alienated from God and from one another: something within their souls is broken and is now barreling straight towards complete separation from God in a novel way. Since spiritual death is a legitimate sense of the word die in Hebrew, we can actually read the passage pretty much at face value and see that this alienation between man and God is death coming into the world.

So that's that then, right? The curse is purely spiritual in nature and physical death has always been perfectly natural?

Yeah, no. I mean, clearly not, right? Jesus didn't just conquer spiritual death (though He very much did that), he also physically resurrected in the body. This is a pretty big deal. Throughout Scripture, physical death is treated as something for which we were not made: we do not welcome it and we are right to grieve it. We can learn the spiritual skills to die well, but death is still portrayed as the enemy. It will not exist in eternity.

However, I do think that this spiritual aspect makes it pretty clear that the death that came about as a consequence of the fall is specific to spiritual beings (ie humans with souls). Thus, I don't think there's any problem with acknowledging that purely physical deaths of animals without the Imago Dei occurred routinely prior to the fall.

(Also, to engage with YE creationism on its own terms for a moment: why would God create predators with claws and teeth and carnivorous metabolisms if they were not meant to kill other animals?)

But we are still left with the fact that physical death is an enemy, unnatural to the human condition, and furthermore that it is tightly bound up with spiritual death (no Platonic dualism here). Thus, the death that entered the world when Adam and Eve sinned must be both physical and spiritual in nature.

To the remaining question of how, exactly, that squares, I haven't got a good theological answer. This is as far as my current research and understanding can take me; from here, I can only share my own personal speculation.

I don't think it's a stretch to say that there is something inherently eternal in the image of God, and thus in the human soul. For my requisite Lewis quote, "You have never talked to a mere mortal." I speculate that when God breathed into Adam's lungs and endowed him with the Divine Image, whether in Mesopotamia or in Africa, Adam really was physically immortal, regardless of the fact that his ancestors had been dying for millennia. The Divine image is not one created for physical death, even when the material from which its bearers are sculpted has hitherto been mortal and fleeting.

So in summary, I think that the death that enters the world in Genesis 2-3 is both spiritual and physical in nature, and thus it is specific to spiritual beings. I draw this view from a number sources, including MDivs I know personally, but a good starting point is C. John Collins, the Old Testament theologian that I referenced in my other Adam and Eve post, if you're interested in learning more. I also tentatively speculate that the Divine Image with which God endowed Adam and Eve came with a physical immortality that they lost as a result of the Fall. That part is my own gloss.

Like I said before, I'm still young and I'm definitely not a theologian. Evolutionary biology is my academic wheelhouse much moreso than Adam and Eve. Like you, I'd like to keep learning. Ask me again in thirty years ;)

[cosleia]

Andor Livetweeting: Episode 1

I livetweeted Andor while I was watching it, but I did so in a Circle to avoid spoiling people who didn't want to be spoiled...which unfortunately means those tweets are permanently invisible to basically everyone. As I cannot allow any of my genius to be unappreciated, I'm going to archive those tweets here.

Please note that these tweets are posted exactly as they were originally, with no editing out of silly assumptions I made in the beginning (such as the one about what Syril would do rofl) or typos.

Without further ado, here are my livetweets of the first episode.

This is so Star Wars

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Sorry guys you aren’t hot enough

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lol those guys know they aren’t hot enough and they are mad

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Is he really looking for his sister or is he a detective on a job

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These guys are about to get TAKEN DOWN

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…shit, Cassian

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So are people saying this is the best Star Wars series because they love characters who kill people

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CUTE DROID ALERT

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DON’T PISS ON THE CUTE DROID

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B2EMO I love it

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Okay so he does have a sister?

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Not for long, fridge time? 🤪

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“Pausing for data lag” I need to say that during meetings

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Interesting concept, droids needing a certain amount of power to lie

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TOO MANY PLANETS

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This guy likes to look good. I am okay with his uniform alterations

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Okay I like his boss

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This guy strikes me as extremely “lawful” so I think he will do as he was told and then quietly continue investigating

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“I fell.” “On what, a jealous husband?”

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I ship Bix with myself

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WHERE are there parents? Remember that episode of seaQuest with the community of children

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Oh no Lawful Boy is a terrible boss

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“He said all I had to do was stand here.” Oh my god I love Vetch

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I said this was very Star Wars but it’s also something else and I appreciate that

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Autocorrect got me a few tweets back oh well

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HIS ASS

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I like that they established the tailoring but then let that information sit for a bit before showing us the full results

[charmsoloved]

blocked and rejected

today my best friend's mom blocked me on facebook. it's such an odd fucking sentence to say. like what??? what did you do that an elderly woman feels the need to block you?

my best friend passed away a few weeks ago. he knew my every flaw. he knew my biggest dreams. he leveled out my unbalanced scale. he was my soul mate. he was my dance partner. we were in sync. we never got in each other's way. he held my hand in the worst moments of my life. he stood by me as he watched me break my own heart and he didn't shame me for it. we protected each other, no matter what, no matter the cost, no matter the opinions, no matter what everyone else thought. i won't lie, we've had our moments where we should have known better. we've had our moments where we've put our lives at risk - both physically and according to societies rules. we've held each other in our worst moments. we've picked each other up off the flooor -- too many times to count.

he never so much showed what or how those opinions affected him. he surely knew how i felt about it though. those opinions tore relationships apart, friendships apart. they stamped a big flashing guilty sign over my name. it dug into me. it tore me up. yet another rejection, yet another completely wrong idea of who i am at my core.

all i ever wanted to do was keep my best friend safe. that's all. without him feeling restricted or bound. i let him be him and just try to keep up bumpers like toddlers use in a bowling alley. but by allowing him to be free - i paid a price. i paid the price of my reputation in the eyes of some. they said things about me. they said things that not only heart my heart, but my spirit too.

so today when i got blocked, i felt extremely hurt. hurt to my core. it was like the wound of rejection had been ripped back open. at first, i was mad. streaming angry. like really? in all of this grief, this is what you do? all i've ever wanted to do was prove that i wasn't what you thought i was... i'm getting better.

you see - it made me question myself., it made me look back on myself and shame myself of the things i had done in the past. it made me wonder if i've even grown enough. or if i've grown enough to be worthy.

then i kind of actually broke it down to my friends and i realized that i just posted my baptism... i've started posting more to Facebook because i want to share my story with others. then today when an annoucement was made i reacted to the post. then i found myself blocked and i realized that the reason i'm probably further upsetting her is because i'm doing the exact opposite of the thoughts she has about me and it's taking away the validity of her hate. it's not confirming the narrative of me she has in her head. someone said "sometimes people feel high and mighty until their assumptions knock them down"

and then another friend said, "the best revenge is to keep doing you.. PERIOD *snap snap*"

and that's what i was thinking. one thing that has come out of all this is that i know i've been trying to be better for me. for god. i've been trying to establish who i am as a child of god. i've been taking the time to remove the things that the flesh has had a hold of me on andd have been holding me back so i can learn more about who i am and what my purpose on this earth is. i've been taking time to remove the biggest distractions that have had me going in a constant cycle. and that means that sometimes it's going to upset people. it's going to rub them the wrong way. i can't sit here and worry that i'm not doing enough for them when i'm already doing MORE for me.

i wont discredit how she's feeling after losing her son. grief does weird things to people. it makes them act out of character. it makes them project their hurt and guilt onto others so that their weight of shame doesnt feel so heavy.

i had half a mind to write a letter. i'm so quick to want to write a letter because the biggest issue i have is that i will always want justice. i will want people to know of the right i did instead of creating their own narratives about the wrong that they think i've done. i had half a mind to get revenger. to speak my peace. to seek my own justice. but as i'm writing thing, i'm realizing that this is all apart of what being a follower of Jesus looks like. some people wont like you. some people will judge you. some people will try to hold your past right up to your face and make you admit that you are not worthy of the love of god or redemption, or grace, or mercy. people who saw jesus doing good, spreaded hate about him.

i have to remember that control of my tongue is important. controlling my actions and listening to his spirit instead of my flesh is important. even as a 31 year old adult, i might have to be the example to the 50+ year old. i have to learn to extend grace, especially to those who have lied on my name. i have to seek God and ask him how to forgive them. what can i do? how can i heal from this if no justice is ever served?

but acting out will only prove them right. it will only prove them that they still have control over how i feel about myself. it will only let the enemy win and create more divide.

[beta-adjacent]

AGGHHH YIPPEE :strained smile emoji: I GUESS YALL ARE GETTKNG MORE FEELS TODAY: autism edition (not me having autism, I don’t think, unless this is related to that somehow. Idk my Brian is genuinely so scatterbrained rn I don’t know what to do with myself. Like all my organs are unraveling bc I kept them too compact last week. Sorry, worse stuff under the cut :’)))))))) sorry again)

Bro, my empathy is so fucking bad because I feel too much of people’s emotions and then I just. Assume something I read is something everyone experiences.

Like, number one, got called ~The Spectrum Whisperer~ during the holidays this year ayyyyyyyyyyy let’s go (they all marvel at me, like understanding autism is somehow to be marveled?????????? Skill issue, that’s what they all have.)

Number two, I sometimes feel like a really really bad whisperer (I shouldn’t actually call myself a “whisperer” because again, this shit isn’t hard, people are just assholes or just aren’t taking the time to learn. Fucking skill issues y’all!!!) because I Know I can’t assume or generalize things, but I still do.

Like, ohohoho my god, my anxiety around the thought of autistic people getting their schedule thrown off because of me?????!?!? I want to break down crying and eject my organs out of my body bro. Because I know that feeling!!!! Losing control because you don’t know what’ll happen in your day is fucking angering and confusing and makes you feel terrible!!!!!!! And that’s coming from someone who (probably) doesn’t even have autism.

So good golly, it makes me sick to my stomach to think I’ve ruined someone’s schedule. But I am a human and schedules often go wrong and I feel so guilty everytime it does. I can’t ever tell if it’s better to just suffer through and let the schedule run its course (save their schedule) or if I should just say I can’t do it (and save my schedule).

What’s worse is that I think the majority of the autistics I’m surrounded by rn don’t actually mind schedule changes that much!! It’s a fucking me emotion and assumption I’m imposing onto them, like a total asshole!!!!!!!! It makes me want to break out in hives or pull my bones out of my body, like that level of anguish y’know???!?!?!?

So then of course now I’m the self-fulfilling asshole prophecy who’s ruining my own schedule and torturing everyone else by trying to make everyone fit in my schedule. Which of course I’m aware of and that contributes to just another feeling of self-loathing and doubt.

And what sucks about that is the autistic people in my life rn really prioritize honesty. It’s been so hard to remember to be honest. I kind of forgot why I lie in conversation or about anything at all. No one likes dishonesty. Except those rare times when they do. But I can’t always tell that so I just play it safe by lying about random things all the time. Am I lying to you all right now by explaining this story? I might not be, but now I’ve planted the idea in your head!

anyway uhhh. Right, there’s a rarely seen desire in the people I care about in my life to be truthful about everything. “Ew gross,” I think to them, “even lies of omission?” They reply in my head “especially that!!” I groan, and turn away from them, but then I get scared they disappeared, as if I’m some child and they’re playing peekaboo just to fuck with me. So I whip my head back and they’re still fucking there. Tormenting me, I tell you!! But of course they aren’t actually, it’s just my fear again. Silly fear.

….wow I totally lost track of everything I was talking about. But I’d love to talk to my Good Honest Friends about this stuff, but after all of this, do you really think I’d allow myself to tell them? My Good/Bad Dishonest Friends definitely wouldn’t get it. My Bad Honest Friends actually might…. But they might hurt my feelings if I tell them. Lord forbid they do as I fear and actually say I have a skill issue!

No I’m kidding. None of this is real. I made it all up. I’m perfect and have no such feelings or flaws or worrries. And if I did I’d certainly feel like I could tell absolutely anyone about them other than my therapist who I’ve even started to suspect hates me for my withdrawn nature.

Ok I read through everything I wrote. This is a good skill I learned a long time ago. If I don’t know what I’m saying, I pause and then I think back and then I try to reformulate my thoughts before the anxiety of taking too long to think eats me. So I’m trying to say that my empathy levels of really kind but really really stupid, because I’m imposing my own issue onto others, and instead of just owning up to my issue and working with people on a mutually agreed upon midpoint, I try to cut corners by meeting them exactly where they’re at, which isn’t often where I’m at, and praying I didn’t stretch myself too thin, except they can always tell when I have because I’m so fucking easy to read that it’s embarrassing.

I don’t know what I’d do with myself if they hate me for what I do or think or say. Probably unsavory things. I wish I didn’t care so much. Maybe this isn’t empathy. It’s just some ugly curse I’ve been born with. But I love them so much. But I hate myself so much. I’m so tired.

TLDR uhhh. Purposefully bulldoze over people’s schedules, especially mine.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... October 16, 2023

I'm just sick with myself for how I allowed the disrespect for so long. The manipulation and making me constantly feel like I wasn't allowed to be hurt or have feelings and question anything because you automatically would be angry, defensive and shut down. Clearly just showing me that my assumption and questioning was right all along. It's sad. It's sad how you broke me. I really hope you get help. I really do pray that you won't fall down this path again. You told me many times how you were done with the partying, done with ruining your life because you know what it does to you and how you wasted 10 years and have nothing to show for it. It breaks my heart watching you make these choices again. I didn't know you back then, but I've seen the good in you. I've see the potential. If only you were honest and true to your word. If only you had pressed into God rather than finding comfort in drugs. I pray for you. Pray that you'll see the damage. You'll see how you hurt me and what it did to something great. I'm not egotistical to say that I know I'm going to be one of the best things you ever had, how you talked about your past relationships and the shit you've been through. I'm not them. I know who I am and the honest, loyal character I have. It breaks my heart that you threw that away, that this wasn't my fault. That you chose to lie. It's your life and you're choosing what's important to you and the priorities you make in your life, but I wasn't one of them. You talked as if I was, you said a lot of things that made me feel that you could be the one, but your lies caught up to you. Your past life caught up to you. I don't know how or why. I honestly thought that maybe it would be different, maybe everything you've been saying, that you've grown past it. Once an addict, always an addict right? But why, why when you see the damage it does. How it ruins relationships.

[actualbird]

rosa | main character: a playlist with a character analysis rationale on why i chose each song

because i saw a post that was like "spotify should have a feature that allows you to add a full essay explaining why that song is in the playlist" and im not waiting for spotify to integrate that in, imma do it myself, HAHA

obligatory disclaimer that these r just my own thoughts and interpretations. spoilers for up to main story 6.2 and other stories here and there

wc: 1.7k (2k if u add all the lyrics i quote lmao)

here is the link to the playlist. now let me walk u through my choices.

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part 1: the pre-story arc of oh, im nothing special

we dont get to see much of mc before the story's game officially Starts, but what we do get to see is through flashbacks in retrospect, and a lot of the time, mc does mention or express this sentiment of like

ah well. im not really anything special at all.

this sentiment comes in in a bunch of cards/stories with the boys (usually vyn or artem) when she sees their achievements and compares herself to them. but even sans the comparison, pre-story, i can see her under the assumption that shes completely run of the mill and nothing of note.

6/10 by dodie illustrates the "not very much" aspect of this

I feel like a six out of ten I've gotta get up early tomorrow again What goes on behind the words? Is there pity for the plain girl?

and Waiting in the Wings from Tangled Adventure is the reaction to this sentiment, in a sense. mc doesnt feel like shes much, but she does still believe in making a change, but god

when will her time come?

When you have the passion and the drive You expect your moment center stage to arrive I show up with heart a blazing Ready to achieve amazing things But I'm left waiting in the wings

this song in particular is fun, meta-narratively. it's the song of somebody wanting to the main character, and i think pre-story mc wishes for this moment, unaware that she indeed is the Main Character. like girl, sit tight, ur gonna be the protag.

pre-story mc doesnt think much of herself and is awaiting the moment she can have her chance. and when she does, thats when the story starts.

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part 2: he butterflies and frustrations of falling in love

this portion of the playlist is wholly mc just going "aaAAAAA FEELINGS IM HAVING FEELINGS (?)" and the experience is a Lot.

it's novel and sweet and exciting (The Show by Lenka). but it also can make her feel off kilter, unsure, and helpless (Helpless by Rico Blanco). it's a nice experience, but it's also frustrating because she's constantly second guessing her own feelings and the feelings of the other (I Go Crazy by Orla Gartland) aaaaaand eventually once mc finally finally realizes her feelings, i just see it as character for her to be have this....not really impatience, but a certain restlessness on how exactly to get the show on the road, get the relationship moving forward (Make A Move by Lawrence)

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part 3: Enneagram Type 1. "I believe that we can fix this over time."

swerve. from the cute delights and frustrations of love, i now wanna talk about what i interpret to be among mc's really important character beliefs: hope

and im also gonna assign her an enneagram type as well: Type 1

Type 1s are titled as The Reformer. this is somebody who is idealistic, believes in integrity, and desires the improvement of the world around them and their own self as well.

the song One by Sleeping At Last illustrates the gist of a Type 1 immensely well (while also making me cry)

Hold on for a minute 'Cause I believe that we can fix this over time That every imperfection is a lie Or at least an interruption Now hold on, let me finish No, I'm not saying perfect exists in this life But we'll only know for certain if we try

this is something apparent in the broad strokes choices of what mc does. in main story 5.3, the last trial, she thinks the line "Justice may not come as swiftly as we'd like, but evil shall never go unpunished. This is why I became an attorney. My conviction will not waver."

mc knows the world is flawed, she knows people do bad things and other people get hurt. perfection is not possible, but she is going to roll up her sleeves and work on it anyway.

this is what matters to her: trying to make things better

this isnt just in her career as a lawyer, it's also in her role as a character in the nxx boys' stories. for each and every one of them, being with her and experiencing events with her and building their relationship with her, all of that causes a shift in their beliefs/tendencies. on a narrative level, she is quite literally pushing the character development of the others

and on a "her as a person interacting with other people" level, she is a catalyst for change.

not just for them, but for her herself. as she pushes towards change, she grows and learns and the insecurity from pre-story slowly changes as well

another lyric in One is

The price of this so called perfection is everything I've spent my whole life searching desperately To find out that grace requires nothing of me

perfection isnt possible in real life and it isnt possible in herself as well. but thats alright. because who she is evidently enough to make things better and thats what she wants

however

this doesnt mean she is immune to doubt

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part 4: what am i doing, who am i becoming, what can i do?

this portion of the playlist is part of mc's journey SPECIFICALLY in the aftermath of main story 6.2

once artem and mc are in the hospital, artem goes on his nice speech about justice which is great and did help mc feel a bit better. however, there mc's thought process still betrayed a newfound doubt.

in my main story 6.2 reaction post, i mention this but i'll summarize it: this is the first case thus far in global that doesnt end with a court trial. it's the first case where honestly, justice arguably wasnt served. desperation, cruelty, and anguish led to ava and jerry dead. the cruelty that ava had perpetuated ran so damn deep into so many people, spread to countless lives, and was just so bad that the only way it couldve ended was the cruelty collapsing in on itself. it's over.

but not over in the way mc sees as right or just. thus, she is now doubting certain beliefs and convictions she has, like her belief in justice and good and if that can make a difference

the sheer magnitude of this case...well, since we're not getting main story 7 for a bunch more months (hyv pls feel free to prove me wrong here lol, i'd happily accept THIS schedule deviation), i can only speculate that this doubt is something thatll weigh on her mind.

and with doubt, comes questions

Where Am I Now? from Lysistrata Jones is a great song that illustrates the doubt after a failure. all that effort gone to nothing, the first questions are going to be along the lines of where do we go from here?

Maybe just some more time, just a little more fight, Like they say, no guts, no glory. All and all I did fine or maybe I'm like a hundred miles off course, Well, maybe that was too much, maybe not enough. Maybe I should just turn back now. Cuz' how do I go on When everything's so wrong. Where am I now? How am I here? Which way do I turn When it's all so unclear? I'm standing alone With nothing but fear.

Flesh & Bone by Sammy Rae is a song that continues the questions that sprout from doubt. moving on from questioning the situation, mc now begins questioning herself, how shes changed

But I need to know I don’t need to be shown I've gotta see it for myself I've gotta learn it on my own I need to know if I am flesh & bone And am I still growing or full grown?

Green & Gold by Lianne La Havas is similar to the previous song but, since im a hopeful bastard at heart, the tone starts changing. still questioning but the answer is going to lie in the fact that mc is not going at all of this alone. shes got the rest of the nxx with her, supporting her and each other. this is the way out from doubt: looking through other people's eyes

Six years old Staring at my nose in the mirror Trying to get my toes in the mirror Thinking 'Who's that girl?' And 'Does the mirror world go on forever?' Carve me a road Sharpening the knives in the attic Trying to watch cartoons through the static Thinking where am I gonna be If I'm ever twenty three? I'm looking at a life unfold Dreaming of the green and gold Just like the ancient stone Every sun rise I know Those eyes you gave to me That let me see Where I come from

Last Hope by Paramore is the acceptance that things are going to be rocky, it's not always going to be clear cut, but damn it, if she's gotta believe in something anyway

It's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going And when it's dark out and no one's around it keeps glowing

and City Lights by December Avenue represents the convergence of the questions and the conviction to keep on going anyway. the pre-chorus includes the lyrics:

Where am I going now? I need a light to shine on me

while the chorus answers it

City lights they're all with me They fill me with serenity They're coming one by one Until I separate my mind into the light And I've got my chance to look

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part 5: what love really means, how love can really help

if part 2 was about the surface level beginnings of love, this section is absolutely about the deeper benefits of love

Lost Stars from Begin Again is love still tinged with doubt, but an acceptance of that doubt. mc is never going to have a completely sure life, what with NXX stuff and also just the usual imperfections of how people work (gonna be true for all love interest routes, our boys are wonderfully flawed as hell, each w their own baggage and issues), but thats okay

because What You Mean To Me from Finding Neverland represents the uncertainty of love and how a leap of faith is what can get people through.

I won't lie I'm a little bit frightend Of my imagination Swear I'll try I'm feeling enlightened You're my inspiration We can fly if we want to I promise that faith will give you wings

and Look Up by Stars is a song that i put here not to represent a romantic love between mc and anybody

this song is a love towards herself

the chorus goes:

You're cold, maybe you just missed the sun You fall, feeling like its just begun So far, keeping it together's been enough Look up, rain is falling, looks like love

and the bridge goes:

(And still in toil, it takes heart to love the rose And still in toil, it takes heart to love the rose)

back when i was making the boys' playlists, i wanted to add this song in like. every single one of them JHAVKJHFAJKSFHA, cuz it fits all of them. they all have their moments of hopelessness or fear and they have to make the conscious choice to see better is out there, and a part of that better is our beloved rose-coded main character. back then, i took the bridge to be representing that it takes hard work (toil) and vulnerability (heart) to love her (rose)

but now i see it's a perfect song for mc herself. after all her doubts, every time shes fallen, every time it wasnt enough (toil), she gets back up. the heart she needs to love the rose, herself, is akin to her conviction in goodness. she has to believe in it (heart).

she has to believe in herself, the rose.

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part 6: this story is going to be a good one, i will work to make make it a good one

all of these songs now are on the same general theme of Making Things Better, the joy of a brighter day ahead, and hope. but the one i do wanna focus on is Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

aside from being an absolute banger and also being in line with this part's theme, it's also a song that fits mc meta-narratively

she is Literally the main character. as the catalyst for the story's beginning and the other characters' development, she is the driving force pushing the story forward. to loop this back to the beginning, mc had seen herself as nothing special or of note. yet there are many many things that does set her out as a good person, and one of which the keeps the story going is the fact that she does not give up.

so while she'll have her low points, she gets back on track cuz and Keeps Going because this is something she believes in. through this, the story continues and she's definitely got opinions on what kind of story she wants to be making. the rest is unwritten, and shes determined to make this a good story for the herself and the people she cares about

[silkentragedies]

A boyfriend sounds good, but…

Non idol! Jung Wooyoung x fem! Reader

3.1k words, Highly suggestive at best, making out, FLUFF, E2L vibes, College AU

Warnings: Mentions of STDs, making out. ( This is so self-indulgent it’s horrible lmao- also, not explicit at all.)

This piece of fiction does not reflect the actions of the real-life Jung Wooyoung. Not meant for minors. 

College was supposed to be late night parties and hurried submissions, overdosing on caffeine and woefully unedited essay compilations. College was supposed to be hellish hangovers and greasy weekend brunches in bed, helter-skelter running to part-time jobs and missing classes with snoozed alarms.

You got all of that, of course, but you also got one thing you didn’t ask for, in fact, wished beyond wishes that it wouldn’t happen but of course, your guardian angel was up to some mischief: You got yourself an archenemy.

Jung fucking Wooyoung.

It all started off small, of course; bumping into each other rather violently in the hallways on orientation day ended with your coffee on the floor. Minor detail- his phone had also dropped on the floor.

You apologized profusely- he seemed like an upperclassman with his leather jacket, slim but solid build, a head of double-toned hair and oh were those tattoos peeking out of his collar- no point in causing a ruckus on the first day. You even offered to pay for the damage. 

And then he opened his mouth. 

“Can’t you watch where you’re going?”

The sheer annoyance in his tone rubbed you the wrong way- obviously you had to respond, you weren’t the only one at fault- 

“Sorry, but you weren’t watching where you were going either. So don’t tout the blame to me-”

“Oh, whatever, just keep your money. I can get it fixed myself.”

The audacity of this bi-

“Good for you then, because my offer is off the table now, pretty boy.” 

A smirk curled up his lip- “You think I’m pretty?”

“About as pretty as a skunk, especially with that hair.”

You had to tamp down the urge to childishly stick your tongue out at his bemused, mildly annoyed expression before walking past him.

 Lamenting the loss of your morning coffee, you hurried your way to the orientation venue. At Least he was an upperclassman. Thankfully you wouldn’t have to deal with him-

“Did you see that hot guy in the leather jacket and that black-blonde hair ?”

Fuck’s sake. 

“His name’s Jung Wooyoung and apparently all the upperclassmen already have an eye on him. He’s in our major so we really lucked out, hot guys-wise.”

Fuck’s sake.

Surely you could just avoid him and pretend he didn’t exist?

But no.

Jung fucking Wooyoung turned out to be the apple of the campus’ eye in a matter of 2 weeks. He was as new to the university as the rest of you and yet, managed to look more put together, cooler than the rest of you still struggling to figure out class numbers and professor names.

He was the upperclassmen darling- people drooled over him, wanted to befriend him, and invite him to all the big parties…

and fuck- even the teachers were already wrapped around his infuriating pinky finger. They allowed him to waltz into class 25 minutes late, smile his infuriating innocent smile and chill in the back row, scot fucking free.

A month in, he’d gotten into the Dance Club too-  cementing his legendary status in the university. It was unheard of, after all, for a freshman to get into the unattainable Dance Club in his first attempt. 

You happened to visit one of the club’s performances one weekend and even you couldn’t ignore the sheer talent he radiated. It only infuriated you more to watch Wooyoung hog the stage’s spotlight with almost no effort- all perfect lines, sharp and clean movements…

It’s fine, you could still ignore his existence

But no.

Another thing about Jung Wooyoung- he found sick pleasure in annoying the living daylights out of you. 

It was so juvenile, so high-school, so immature of him- sticking gum in your hair, snapping your bra strap, kicking the back of your chair, striking up nonsense debates with you in class…

And then he had the nerve to laugh in your face when you glared at him with hellfire in your eyes because you were too polite to lash out in front of a professor.

Of course, you exhibited no such restraint outside the classroom.

“You vs Woo” was a commonplace explanation for the commotions that blazed up in the campus courtyard every other day. You were like wolves, the way you snarled at each other, not hesitating to slash at each other with as many cutting words as you could find. 

This went on for months, an entire semester marred by an enmity that seemed to stem from nothing- until one day, mister Jung Wooyoung really fucked up.

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? FACE ME, YOU COWARDLY WORM!” Your angry yelling and thudding on the door had Wooyoung’s roommates Yeosang and… Choi San? running to open the door to their shared dorm room. 

You barged into Wooyoung’s room, unplugging the game he was playing. “What the fuck-”

“You dirty fucking bastard. You shameless shitstain of a fucking human being-” 

Slap. Wooyoung reeled back. In all this time, you’d never actually hit out at him physically. It had always been words. Maybe this time he crossed a line?

“You told Changbin I had a fucking STD. THE GALL OF YOU-” You lashed out at him with every few words, pushing Wooyoung further back against the back wall of his room. 

“How fucking dare you make assumptions about me like that. you lowlife scumbag.” You snarled in his face, now having him trapped between you and the wall.

You were smaller than him by quite a bit- it was almost amusing to see Wooyoung cowering in front of you, lowkey terrified of what you’d throw at him next. 

“Okay okay, fuck, I’m sorry!” He burst out finally, cutting you right across your angry rant. “I didn’t mean it like that!! I swear, I didn’t even know you were the one he was talking about. And I only told him to be safe from STDs, not that anybody had one.”

“What makes you think I’ll believe you, Jung,” You screeched. “You’ve always been a dick in general to me. I wouldn’t put it past you to say something like that and lie to my face about it.”

You back away, almost disgusted at being so close to him, “Seriously, dude. Get fucked.” Flipping him off before leaving, you turn around to look at him still standing where you’d backed him up to, an evil glint in your eye.

“It will be so fucking unfortunate if somebody told the campus gossip blog you had erectile dysfunction and your hookups were all fake.”

\

Safe to say, Wooyoung never made digs at your sexual activity again.

Neither did he have much sexual activity of his own for a while. Not that there was much sexual activity in your case either.

Maybe it was that exact…starvation that led Wooyoung to behave the way he did.

What was juvenile teasing became more… flirtatious?

Oh gods, what the fucking fuck is going on-

Suddenly, it wasn’t gum in your hair, it was soft whispers against your ear, breath warm against your cheek

It wasn’t kicking the back of your chair, it was leaning in front of you to fistbump Lee Felix on the other side of you until you could smell his intoxicating chocolate-honey-sweat scent.

He’d taken to taking his leather jacket off and sitting through classes (he still turned up late for) in a muscle t shirt that showed off his toned arms- 

All of his movements now seemed to be designed to tease the crawling under your skin you hadn’t been able to quench recently-

Not that you were a serial hookup kinda person, but you’d been fairly sexually active until semester exams and Wooyoung’s rumors had brought around quite a dry spell for you.

It was like every action of his sparked something wildfire hot in your head, tension stringing your senses into overdrive- were you imagining it?

Wooyoung was having some troubles with said crawling under-skin himself. 

Since when did you wear skinny jeans like that to class? Did you always have such a pretty neck, just waiting to get marked up? Did you always have that sway to your hips when you walked out of class?

The forced abstinence was doing bad things to him. 

It did rather amuse him, however, when he could see your breath catch a little from his murmurings in your ear, or squirm in your seat when he spoke to Felix before the professor arrived. It was the little things, truly. 

You still fought like a cat and dog though- there was no way the two of you would ever let on that your scope of noticing each other had gone beyond annoyance and rivalry a while ago. 

//

“Fuck no. I’m not doing this fucking project with you. It’s worth half the fucking grade and you’re a numbskull when it comes to this subject.”

“Like I want to deal with you anymore than I have to, sweetheart. You’re pretentious enough in class as it is.” 

Fate really loved playing the cliche card with you- of course you got paired up with Wooyoung for one of your semester projects. 

No, it definitely wasn’t the teacher that saw you two glaring more at each other more than the whiteboard and decided to take matters into her own hands.

Of fucking course the teacher refused to allow switching of partners or individual grading- it had to be a team effort or you’d both fail the subject. As a team. Yippee-ki fucking yay.

So you two ended up in the library at 11 p.m, two nights before your first check point review, having procrastinated the fuck out of working together until the last possible minute.

Amidst cursing at each other and cups of ramen and iced americano, the two of you found yourself stuck with each other and attempting to build the basis of an acceptable report to present. 

Surprisingly enough, Wooyoung wasn’t entirely a lost cause when it came to the subject. He actually made sizable contributions to the report. He even got you some coffee on his break, despite the jibes and taunts you threw at him about going soft- you were the type to hold a grudge.

You were both wandering down the shelves in the library, looking for more references when Wooyoung decided to open his big mouth again.

“You do realize that shitty rumor you put out didn’t really mess with my prospects, right?” Wooyoung was so full of shit. “If anything, I’d be worried about you, sweetheart.”

There it was again. Sweetheart. Another of those taunting things that just riled you up in all the wrong(right) ways. It was like he knew everything you would go weak for and then shamelessly exploited them all.

“Unlike you, Wooyoung, I don’t need people to stroke my ego…or anything else. I can get myself going just fine.”

“If you did know how to stroke anybody’s anything, sweetheart, you wouldn’t have trouble getting some.”

Ohhh, so he wants to play some games!!! Okay then-

You reached out to flick at his ponytail, ever-so slightly enamoured by how well he pulled off the double-toned look.

“Like you know anything about how to please in bed, babe.” 

It was unfair how much that nickname falling from your lips affected Wooyoung. Some…not very appropriate thoughts had already taken root in his brain and you running your mouth was not helping at all. 

“Good enough for them to beg, sweetheart.” 

A soft crow of laughter escaped you as you turned to fully face him, the both of you standing between the Greek Architecture and Geography sections.

“You sure you weren’t the one doing the begging?” 

“Oh, really now?”

You really should’ve thought through what was leaving your mouth 

Because now you were wedged between the shelves and Wooyoung’s (unfairly) toned body, his arms caging you in with that signature shit-eating grin on his face as he leaned closer to you- 

The tension was almost atrocious now, suffocating you when it had only previously nudged at you. You could feel it settle under your skin, in your veins, fingers itching to reach out and pull him closer 

But you kept your hands braced against the shelves- you would not give him the satisfaction of making the first move yourself…right? 

Fuck, you really wanted to though- 

It had be the late hour leaving you with lesser inhibitions than normal or possibly the pent up horny in your system or maybe the questionable direction your conversation was headed in

There was no other plausible reason for your arch nemesis’ lips to look that inviting

It must’ve been the way your attention flitted from his eyes to his lips that gave you away, a momentary lapse of self-control before you looked away, off to some point behind his shoulders-

And he smirk only widens

“You know, nobody really visits this corner of the library.”

“Your point?”

Both your voices were whispers now, your bodies close enough to touch but not quite, Wooyoung’s face a few inches away from yours and holding your gaze 

(He had honey flecks in those dark eyes, 7 on one side and 4 on the other, like gold leaf in coffee)

“We could easily find out who begs for who…”

He still hadn’t touched you yet, his hands placed on the shelf on either side of you- you could move out from the space if you so wished-

Despite the tension between the both of you, it seemed like… like he was waiting for you to make the first move, voice your consent, act on it 

How considerate, you thought to yourself as you let your sight wander to either side, checking for people 

Surprising you found Jung Wooyoung’s one possible redeeming quality like this, mind hazy and barely restraining yourself from kissing the living daylights out of him- 

Oh well, fuck it

A soft sound left Wooyoung as you curled your hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face to yours, lips meeting in a soft, hesitant kiss

How dare he be a good kisser too?

One hand reached up to cup your cheek and you instinctively tilted your head into the warmth of his palm as the kiss deepened

Unfair that he could take your breath away so effortlessly

There was nothing hesitant about the way Jung wooyoung kissed you back

Lips pressing more persistently against yours, teeth grazing your lower lip and pulling slightly before diving in again, hand now curled around the back of your neck

His other hand caressed your side and gripped your hips as he pressed you gently against the shelves, your arm slipping down to clutch at the front of his shirt as his body molded all too perfectly against yours

You could feel him everywhere

Everywhere 

From the way his lips had begun to land messy kisses against your jaw and neck, the hand on your hip tightening and slipping under your shirt to clutch at soft skin, hips flush against yours 

You couldn’t bring yourself to pull away from Wooyoung, your head spinning at the intoxicating feeling he brought with him 

The sensation of his mouth against your neck was almost euphoric, your head lolling back against the books and leaving you to pull your lower lip between your teeth, an almost futile feeling bid to keep silent, you’re still in public

Somehow your hands wound up in his hair, pulling the double-toned strands as his head dipped lower, a quiet groan from Wooyoung your only pointer that he liked it

So this is why he was so sure of himself, your mind temporarily blanking when Wooyoung’s teeth pulled against the sensitive skin, biting and sucking gently

A choked, uneven sound escaped your mouth when he pushed you harder against the shelves, hand reaching lower to squeeze your butt-

A smirk lit up his eyes as he straightened up to look at the line of red- blue blooming across your neck, then at you, cheeks warm and still biting your lip, looking resolutely away from his gaze

“Weren’t we supposed to be working on the project?” 

This little buzzkill.

//

You didn’t work on the project that night

You spent it in Wooyoung’s bedroom, getting railed within an inch of your life.

Not without the lack of the both of you being absolutely unable to keep your hands off each other on the way there 

Between the library and his dorm, you pulled or got pulled into shady alleys and corners for ‘another taste’ 

“Never again.” You warned him when he dropped you off at your dorm, you looking windswept from the wind of course and his hoodie up because of the cold not because his neck was more purple than tan-

Lies.

Your daytime dynamic remained the same 

But now with added benefits- 

He got to corner you after class, feel you up until you were gasping his name and then leave you hanging 

You got to make brazen moves under the table in the library whenever he got too snarky for his own good

He could ask nicely, you learnt. Broken groans and choked-up sounds would escape him when you ran your nails over his skin, soft and sharp and wanting and unyielding as you kissed your way down his body

Down his neck, over his chest, the hard planes of his stomach 

He would plead for more when you sucked him off, bucking his hips closer to you everytime you slowed down or stopped

Find him at the right time, though and he could just as easily return the favour

He would tease you relentlessly, hands ghosting everywhere dangerous and then pulling away just to watch you squirm and make grabby hands at him, a frown marring your kiss- swollen lips 

Leave conspicuous marks too high up on your neck for you to cover, dark enough for a day or two that even makeup left shadows

Spending a long, long time between your legs only to get up and start dressing, claiming to be late for class

Quickies were your religion at this point 

Janitors closets locked and hand covering your mouth to muffle your moans before a dance competition, empty bedrooms in frat parties with one of you getting pushed onto the bed

It was an infernal coupon from hell : Find one archrival, get a fuck buddy free of cost!

Of course, there were side effects

“Did you just walk out of that empty classroom with Jung Wooyoung? After class hours?” “We were studying for the midterms!!”

“Uh.. Wooyoung, who was that leaving the dorm building? at 1 in the morning?” “uh yEAH WE WERE DOING THE PROJECT YEAH.”

Yeah, a boyfriend sounds nice but an archenemy you can make out with in secret sounds ravishingly pleasing-

When the boy in question is a certain young man with double toned hair with a penchant for leather jackets and out-of-line snark, you couldn’t agree more.

Yes, this is a revamp and repost from my main account xD. Like I said, this was self indulgence to the peak 😩 I'm a tad whipped for snarky boy Jung Wooyoung 😀

Do lemme know what you think ^_^. xoxo, A💕

Possibly interested parties: @aliceu​ @whiteprincessofnohr​

(drop me an ask to be added or removed! )

[ganymedesclock]

"Normal looking person has terrifying teeth. bonus points if they have an extending/splitting jaw or retractable teeth or something like that" this seems... oddly specific. how'd you find out you like this?

It was a long process starting at my middle school goth phase where tiny vampire fangs were neat, and then later I was like, "well, that's not very scary is it, it could be scarier" and that graduated to progressively bigger scary teeth until I realized that the average human jaw can only fit so much teeth in it, and then I saw the art of @deadwooddross and it cracked open some brave new frontiers regarding how people can look.

Really in general it seems more specific than it is, it's generally that I think horror mouth is a good concept-

(monkey brain says bared teeth bad? Social repulsion of hunger, humanity's own predatory instincts and the primal hunting behaviors that once fed us, and one need not look any further than modern diet culture to consider that man has a very precarious nature indeed with the hunger that has always defined us? something else entirely? the fine line between the alluring, desirable, or appealing mouth that might yield tender kisses or speak sweet words and the aforementioned primal nature and threat potential of mouths?)

-and then throughout my life, in both consuming and creating art, I'm trying to challenge myself to outgrow the mindset that for something to be good or likable or deserving of patience or attention in any way it has to be the least offensive, prettiest thing- so slapping a horrible unfolding bobbit worm mouth or a leering skull grimace or a great slobbery aperture on a human face is a good challenge to that regard.

Honestly, anon, I think your question is a good one! Like I said, when I first discovered Dross's art, I was really amazed at their monster designs and it got me frustrated with the level of monstrosity in my own art. I was left wondering how someone could come to such wonderfully gross, unsettling, specific concepts. It's been years since then, and I think I can confidently say it's all just a matter of practice and inspiration!

I know we can often think of creativity as something semi-divine, born from the void (or, jokingly, as some like to insinuate, affected by psychoactive substances) and nothing us mere mortals can change- but really it's a lot more of a practical skill. For me, challenging my assumptions and interrogating my thoughts does a lot of the legwork- the important other piece is that this engine of analysis is driven by new ideas being pumped in from the things I consume.

While this has nothing to do with teeth, I remember seeing- incidentally, in a gif, I've never watched the movie and don't really plan to- Moder, the bestial antagonist of a live-action horror movie called The Ritual. Moder is a beautiful monster; she has a really unique design evoking a moose, with a hidden but disconcertingly humanlike face and two dangling arms where her mouth should be. Seeing her in motion struck me all at once that I had never really seen, before then, an ungulate monster. Hoofed creatures are conceptualized with a sort of unthreatening banality; the docile cow, the sweet innocent deer, the sacred unicorn, the majestic but servile horse. Seldom do we get this sort of old-god megafauna feeling cut loose in such a creature, and yet, looking at Moder, why the fuck not? At a point in the movie itself she effortlessly overtakes one of the main characters at a run, her great powerful legs and thrashing hooves causing her to keep pace with him in a moment that seems profoundly effortless before she banks to the side and decides to end the chase.

To bring this back to "why teeth", I think that horror character design is really a case where you just gotta look to your idols, in life and in creative works! Find something that fucks you up, even and ESPECIALLY something that seems stupid, and then gently lie back somewhere comfortable and look at the ceiling, and entertain, "wouldn't it be fucked up if you met a person whose entire face was just a pleasant mask and when they actually ate something their whole head hinged upwards to reveal their real mouth, which is just a gaping, cavernous, tooth-riddled throat?"

And it doesn't necessarily have to be teeth. There's no rule of what's exceptionally scary. For me, I like teeth. Like thinking about them. There's something about teeth and savagery and decorum and speech and the complex dance between them that, at risk of sounding insufferable, is one of the endless interstitial crossroads that make humans human.

Another very dear inspiration of mine is the decorum and presentation of the skeksis from The Dark Crystal- they simultaneously scratch my itch for predatory sophonts whose intelligence doesn't completely cut their instincts and court dramas where the image of high society is used as a contrast to the brutal and often ugly, undignified nature of ambition, pettiness, greed and lust- and they don't just serve up both of those flavors but use them to enrich each other, so that we are watching these vicious hyena birds stalking around, all puffed-up in arrogance, using gilded nail-guard forks and toothpicks, while devouring a horrible vampiric gluttonous feast and snarling at each other as they pass too close like starving wolves about to tear each other to pieces.

So I guess that's the essential linchpin of why I like unfolding or distending mouths, because it also conveys that sort of quality about a character. If your mouth splits like a flower, to a horrible toothy construct useful for mauling and threshing..... it's not going to be very good for speech. Reining it in to a humanlike configuration is stifling, and suppresses the true nature of a very specialized meat grinder, but it allows you to relate to things as something other than threats and prey. A sort of literal and figurative, sympathetic and horrifying, two-faced nature. It also plays to a good old vampire classic, the "game face" where a creature who might look beguiling and beautiful reveals a nasty appetite and a dangerous side, in a very pulpy organic fashion- it's no glamour, it's just cheeks that can retreat and a jawbone that splits.

[moribundanchor]

The Pelle/Dani Receipts, Post 11: The May Queen

The last lap of the film is the culmination of two separate tracks: one, Dani breaking with Christian, coming to terms with her grief, and sloughing off her old life, and two, Dani being embraced by her new family and, with that final, slightly-mad smile, finding joy with them. Much as in the “Do you feel held by him?” scene, Ari masterfully keeps the final scenes of Midsommar walking that tightrope between validating the Pelle/Dani romance and minimizing it in order to center Dani’s broader character arc and story, and to that end, he doesn’t even wobble. Still, he can’t get out of this without some explicit (though not explicit) mushy stuff for the OTP, and that, of course, is why we’re here.

We already mentioned the dance competition in the context of Pelle and Team Hårga winnowing Christian real good so he can be Maja’s baby daddy, but this is yet another opportunity for Pelle to demonstrate to Dani the contrast between him and Christian. As Dani begins to dance, Pelle is right up front, attentively, patiently, smilingly watching. She has every bit of his attention and support. Meanwhile, Christian stumbles into the audience late, burdened and internally roiling after his meeting with Siv. 

Now, we don’t know how Christian ultimately answered the Matriarch when she asked if he would mate with Maja. Ari, the imp, cuts away. Not to taint our favorite scene with comparison, but very like Dani’s protests in “Do you feel held by him?” Christian’s evasions, more pronounced in the Director’s Cut (“I’m here with somebody,” “We haven’t even talked.”) are frail, toothless things against the truth joined with temptation. He doesn’t love Dani. And he does want Maja. By the time he comes to watch the dance competition, Dani dancing is the furthest thing from Christian’s mind, even though betraying her is the crux of his dilemma.

And do please remember that Siv proposes this ritual snuggling to Christian as something Dani will not know about, so he really is contemplating betraying her, as opposed to what Pelle suggests to Dani. 

This is the contrast that waits for Dani during a break in the dance. Pelle smiles at her flirtatiously, even proudly, and silently applauds--totally here for you, Dani--while Christian is literally looking the other direction, back towards where Maja--oops, I got myself eliminated, teehee!--has taken her seat. During the dance, Dani is, yes, tripping balls and speaking gibberish, but she is still having the best time ever. So, initially exhilarated, Dani wilts the moment she sees Christian, and if we were going to argue that Dani doesn’t reciprocate Pelle’s feelings, the visible heartbreak on her face here would be Exhibit A. Except people are more complicated than that. Relationships are more complicated than that. Dani is definitely more complicated than that. Letting go still can hurt long after you know it’s over.

All that being said, even the most complicated relationship stuff can get simple real quick with a grand, unambiguously romantic gesture, and as Dani is crowned May Queen, finally, finally, finally, we get one. No evasions, no apophasis. Stunned, still kind of high, Dani’s new family washes her away in a tide of congratulations. Odd welcomes her home again, in Swedish this time, and it’s just a lovebomb lovefest all the way down. The only ones who don’t hug and/or paw at Dani are hallucinations (or are they) of her parents in Hårgan garb, her mom laying one surrendering caress on Dani’s shoulder as she passes by, and, of course, Christian, poor dope, standing by the maypole, looking every bit as alone and lost as Dani probably has felt up to this point. The Fire Temple is a ways off, but he will never again be allowed close to her. They are over.

At the end of the procession, for maximum dramatic effect, Dani’s happy Hårgan sisters tilt her toward OHAI PELLE. As Pelle bends down to her, initially he appears to be in supportive friend mode, (“My God, Dani! May Queen!”), but then he just sweeps Dani up in a kiss that isn’t long enough to stop the ceremony, but just long enough to be undeniably romantic. In the script, the kiss is actually described as a “blunt, passionate kiss.” While so much of the Pelle/Dani ship is not scripted, here it is plain: Pelle, now wearing the Wunjo rune, is Dani’s wish for an understanding, loving partner come true, and for the minute she can be spared from the procession, he is kissing her for all he’s worth. Let’s just watch this on a loop for a while.

This is the moment that has launched several thousand “Did Pelle like Dani?” Google searches, and it looks like a freaking wedding because it kind of is. Look at all the Hårgans bursting with happiness, not just for Dani, but for them. We are all Hårgans because all Hårgans are clearly Pelle/Dani shippers. (Okay, there’s something going on with Inga, but that’s a different analysis post.) Dagny in particular looks like she’s going to cry. My sweet brother birthmate found him a newblood and they are the cutest. Both Pelle and Dani are in full Hårgan dress for this kiss, as though their relationship always had to be consummated with Dani fully planted in the fifth panel of the spoiler tapestry. Also note that the pink flower in Dani’s crown reflects her heartbeat. Notice how it speeds right on up while she’s in Pelle’s arms. At this point, Dani might yet equivocate--not that she’s very equivocal in the moment--but crown flowers don’t lie.

Christian probably doesn’t see this moment. In addition to succumbing to “the tea with special properties,” he’s watching from the maypole, and Dani and Pelle would have been obscured from that vantage by a few dozen white-clad bodies. But if he cared enough about Dani to celebrate her triumph instead of blankly witness it, if he had been able to refuse the tea...but then, if he cared that much, we wouldn’t have had a movie.

Once Pelle surrenders Dani, the happiest and proudest of all possible soft cult boys, she’s urged toward a litter in the shape of the sun and lifted high off the ground. The Hårgans serenade their queen in a procession to the dinner table, Pelle prominent among them, his hands arranged in a cradling gesture previously seen when the Hårgans burned Dan’s body. This is an assumption, but it seems a fair one, that the gesture conveys Pelle bearing Dani’s spirit, even if he’s not one of those physically carrying her litter. In the wide shot, you will notice they are sailing Dani right past an image of Terri hidden in the trees. In this scene, Dani is very literally leaving her birth family and Christian behind. When Dani takes her throne at the head of the mirrored banquet table, Pelle will placidly sketch the moment, and as previously mentioned, we’ll see him reflected in the table surface, indicating how he’s still plotting even in that idyllic moment which would seem to be the culmination of all his hopes and dreams. After all, Christian’s still breathing.

Sadly, this concludes the dramatized Dani/Pelle content. We know. We’re sad, too. In the major scenes around the kiss itself--the serenade, the photograph, the dinner after her crowning--Pelle is near Dani, but not next to Dani. No more close communicating reaction shots. We can see Pelle enthusiastically toast Dani at the dinner table, and she seems to trade a sly, flirty smile with him immediately afterward, but that’s it. We can’t even see Pelle’s reaction when Dani gags on the pickled herring. In the final ceremony, Pelle’s crowned, too, just as the movie has been promising all along, but he and Dani don’t share the stage or even a single shot. Blocking and camerawork, so suggestive of their love story up to the point Pelle lays a good ‘un on her, suddenly becomes a blue-nosed chaperone. But consider what the film would be like, what it would have to become, otherwise. Midsommar isn’t primarily a romance anymore than it’s primarily a horror movie. Nope, it’s not a horror movie either, not really. It’s Dani’s story; it just happens to have smooches and blood eagles in it. So the kiss is a great moment, but it’s going to have to last you. (Hey, would you like to see our fanfics?) 

Green Man/May King or not, it would appear there’s more post-canon wooing for Mr. Pelle to do (though Ari has confirmed more than once that Pelle has an excellent chance with Dani, wink.) The script specifies that Pelle is one of the Hårgans that bears Dani’s throne to scoop her up after she stumbles in her May Queen raiment before the film’s final shot, but like so much Dani/Pelle content in the script, that doesn’t actually end up on film. The last we see of Pelle, he’s on his knees scream/crying as the Fire Temple burns, and the last we see of Dani...well, the last we see of Dani is the final, iconic shot of the film. Insane? Eh, maybe. She’s synced up with her new family and having her unholy affekts burned away. Probably should check back later for that one. Happy? Definitely. Ever after? Sure looks like. And why not? Girl got her wish.

Oh, but there’s one more topic we have not quite explored. The writing on the wall. And the ceilings and the tapestries and the clothes and the footwear and the decorative flourishes and the furniture and the tables and plinths and the...

For more, click on The Pelle/Dani Receipts Masterpost

[twopoppies]

Ok, I’m gonna ask something and I really really hope where I’m coming from translates because I know how this can look.

I’m asking this question because I often ask it to myself, and I don’t know that I have an answer to it, but I’m young and new and I see you as a fandom auntie imparting your wisdom so maybe you can help me? I’m in my head a lot, all the time.

What would it take for you to go “alright that’s it, there is no Larry/they’re not together anymore”? I know, I know this question is shady. I’ve seen it thrown around a bunch of times in the year I’ve been a fan and it always gets a snarky response (which I totally get because I don’t think it comes from a genuine place). But as I said, I keep asking it to myself and when that happens I get a little frantic. Does that make sense? Like, it kind of gives me anxiety to think about that.

I keep wondering, if 5 more years go by and Freddie is still around... how would I feel? I don’t THINK that’s gonna happen, but then again, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight and he’s already 5, so who the fuck knows, you know? Would I be a firm believer on what I believe if I saw an 8, a 10 year old kid talk about Louis as his dad? I don’t have an answer... and it scares me, because it makes me feel delusional and I know I’m not.

What would happen if Louis and Eleanor got married? Do I think it will happen? No... but I mean, I also didn’t think they’d survive this long. When I first came into the fandom everyone was saying they’d break up soon and it’s been a year. How would I cope if that happened? If they had a kid? Would I patiently wait for it to be revealed that things aren’t as they seem? Would I give up?

What if Harry and Olivia become more serious? What if they date for years and he takes her to events or talks about her? Like, I know, I KNOW he’s never done it before, but I also know that he has never called any of his stunts “my ex girlfriend” before Camille, and he even included her voice in a song... so like, do we REALLY know? He hadn’t held hands with one of his stunts since Taylor, and he’d never taken them as plus ones to anything. He seems to be actively participating a lot more than with Camille. I did my research, they were seen together far less and mostly maintained it by her going to his concerts. Idk it just seems that he was so low key with stunts in the past and instead of taking steps to maybe come out, he’s taking steps to make his relationships look more serious. He “dated” those women for a couple of months tops, now he’s stuck in long “relationships” that have to involve his family and idk it kinda sucks. What’s the guarantee they won’t take it a step further? How would I react if they did?

These things are in my head constantly and I don’t know what to think. What WOULD I do? Would I get fed up and leave the fandom, regardless of what I believed? So many people have done that but I can’t see myself not supporting H&L, they feel like such an important part of my life.

God, I’m sorry for how long this was and how annoying it must be. I guess I just need a little guidance.

Hi sugar. Wow... there’s lots going on here and I don’t think I can actually address everything you’re asking. So, let me start by saying that I don’t have a set “if this happens, I’m out” line in the sand. For me, I imagine I’ll leave when fandom is no longer fun for me, but I don’t think longevity or mutation of the stunts would necessarily be the final straw.

The thing is, for those of us who’ve been here since the band was together, we saw how different Harry and Louis’ attitude was towards their closeting. They actively fought against it. Loudly. Somewhere along the way, after the hiatus, things seem to have shifted a bit. Not that they want to be closeted, but it feels as though they might have a different perspective on it these days.

So, I guess the question could be... do they want to come out anytime soon? And I really don’t know. Louis has barely gotten his solo career off the ground. Harry is doing extremely well with his extremely frustrating fence straddling. Would coming out soon hurt their career goals? I think babygate is an entirely separate issue and regardless of anything else, that just isn’t sustainable. There’s too much that’s shady there for me to ever think he had a baby with her. And I just can’t see the family agreeing to continuously lie to their child for an open ended amount of time now that he’s really old enough to understand. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t put anything past them, but that seems insane.

So if they’re not ready to make that big change, stunts could look different than they used to. Camille staying for a year and Eleanor coming back made it possible for each of them to write an album that included songs about long term love, and allowed them to talk about it during promo with as much honesty as they wanted/were able to share. Not everything has changed for the worse.

When I try to look at the situation from their POV, and assume that they have a bit more power than they did pre-hiatus, I feel less anxious about things. But more than anything, I think what helps is to remember that this is their lives. They know what’s best for them. We might not like it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re suffering or that you’re wrong about your assumptions about them. If you’re here to support them, then I think all you can do is just support them and remove any time frames and specific expectations. If it gets in the way of your mental health, please take a break. Fandom will still be here. I have good friends who are still ride or die Larries, but they just can’t handle being here right now.

Lastly, it sounds as though asking yourself these “what would I do” questions is a form of future worrying that is actually causing you some real anxiety. There really isn’t a point in wondering how you would react to something that may never happen. It won’t keep it from happening, but it is keeping you from enjoying where you are now.

I know this got long, but I hope there’s something helpful there. 💗

[youllneverknowrac]

Oscar Diaz-Toxic

Hey guys maybe this will have another part? I’m not sure yet, anyways I hope you all enjoy!

One again I have to thank @spookysmujer for helping me with this idea. She’s a real one. Y’all go check her stuff out. She’s amazing!

~

“Girl fuck that, he knew we were going out tonight. Don’t let Oscar kill your vibe bitch, you’re allowed to have fun every once in a while,”Your best friend Naomi says into your ear as she sits next to you in the booth, your other two friends sitting on the opposite side.

“Yeah Y/N, it’s my birthday. We have to turn up. Besides it’s not like we’re chilling with guys, so he has no reason to trip.” Dina adds with a sigh as she reaches for a chip and dips it into the thick queso that sat in the middle of the table.

“What’s he saying anyways?” Jess questions as she leans forward to listen.

“He said,*Man you know I don’t like when you go out with out me,*”Followed by,*Just come home. I’m not playing, I don’t want you out with your hoe ass friends,* You admit with a groan,”Now he’s asking why am I not replying.”

“Man fuck that, you don’t dog on him when he’s with his own hoe ass friends.” Naomi says after taking a sip of her frozen margarita,”Tell him to chill out. We’re literally just grabbing dinner and then going to a hookah lounge. Maybe a bar. You’ll be home before the sun is even up.”

“You’re right, why do I have to feel guilty for having friends? He’s with his homies almost everyday so why can’t I just have one night to myself.” You say as you read three more messages that he wrote in question of you not answering him,*I’ll be home in a little bit. Quit blowing my line up. I’m with the girls, and that’s it. Stop being crazy.*You type and send with no second thought.

*Who you calling crazy? You better be home after your little dinner. I ain’t gonna wait up all night for you.*

*Then don’t. I have a key.* You text back, Oscar moving you into his crib about two months ago.

‘Nah ima bolt that shit shut and why ain’t yo friends answering me? You really with them or what?’

‘I told them not to answer you psycho. Quit texting them. I will be home in a little bit. BYE.’ You send, Oscar calling two seconds later as you hit decline.

‘Whatever guy your with, I hope he shoots back.’ He sends, causing you to internally scream as you ignore it and toss your phone into your bag.

“I need another mojito.” You mumble as you hold your hand out to get the waiters attention since she was pretty far.

“He will get over it.”

“Yeah, just suck his dick or something when you get home.”

“No don’t reward him for being obsessive.”

You take in all the advice from your friends, letting everything sink in before shaking your head,” I don’t even want to talk about him right now. Can we please just get tipsy so we can head over to the bar and get completely wasted? How does that sound?”

“Hell yeah.” Naomi smiles, picking up her drink and gulping it down in one go.

~

The Uber driver drops you off after your ‘wild night’. Your friends having been dropped off along the shared ride, all of you completely wasted at this point.

“Thank you sir.” You slur as you grab your purse and search for the door handle in the up coming morning light. The sun wasn’t all the way up yet, so you weren’t technically out all night. Let’s just hope your boyfriend sees it like that. You ignored Oscar all night and when you finally checked your phone in the car you had 26 missed calls and 73 messages from him. You stumble up the driveway and go to the front door, grabbing your key from your bag and trying your best to quietly unlock the door,”Shit.” You mutter as you drop your keys on to the floor, you kick off your heels before picking them up and hanging them on the hook,”Oscar!?” You whisper shout just in case, sighing in relief when you don’t get a response. You pad down the hallway and into the shared bedroom to find him asleep in the bed, a few empty bottles of beer on the night stand along with burnt out roaches in the ashtray. You sneak past him and head into the bathroom, pulling off your tight fitted dress and leaving it on the floor as you step out of it. You quickly wipe your face clean, no make up left behind after you start the shower so the water could warm up. You step in after while and let the hot water run over you, not even realizing that Oscar walked in until the shower curtain in being pulled back minutes later,”Um can I help you? You’re getting water everywhere.” You say startled as you yank the curtain back shut.

“Why you showering? Washing off that other foo?” You hear him say as he leans back against the counter with crossed arms.

“Seriously? Do you really think I’d cheat on you?” You ask as you focus on your wash routine.

“I don’t know, you tell me. You ignore me all night, and don’t come home until 6am. Then when you get here, you hop in the shower. How else am I suppose to take it?”

“Take it by believing me. I told you what I was doing. I have no reason to lie Oscar. I was with my friends the whole night.”

“Nah, I don’t believe that. You’re for the streets, you just proved that to me.”

“I’m for the streets? Just cause I went out one time?” You ask as you work on scrubbing your body,”You literally work the streets, you sale on the streets, these are your fucking streets. Don’t you think you’d have proof if I was out here being unfaithful? That someone would tell you something?”

“Not if you being sly with it. What’s his name then? Who I gotta fight?”

“Yourself, cause you’re the only guy I’ve been with.” You say with a clap of your hands,”Can you get out? I’m not in the mood to argue with you right now.”

“Who’s arguing? I’m just trying to have a discussion on why my girl thinks it’s okay to stay out all night.”

“Oh my god!” You squeal as you shut the water off and open the curtain once more, snatching the towel from Oscar’s outstretched hand with out a thank you,”I’m grown, I can go out if I want to.” You inform him like it’s the most obvious thing,”Quit being so toxic. I can’t even shower in peace because you are so paranoid.”

“Toxic? You females learn one word on the internet and over use it.” He laughs dryly, moving aside as you step out onto the mat,”It ain’t toxic to worry about my women. A women that I love.”

“Worrying about me isn’t, but it is to accuse me of cheating on you. And then have the nerve to come in here and try to ‘talk things’ out when your only intent is to annoy and argue with me.”

“Aver, let me see your neck. Let me see if you letting another vato mark you up.” Oscar says, his statement proving your entire point as he ignores your words.

“Nah, I ain’t dumb. I do all the marking.” You smile sweetly at him as you tighten the towel around your body before spinning around and heading to the closet. If Oscar wanted a fight he definitely has one now.

“What did you just say?” He barks

“I said I do all the marking. I can’t come home with that shit all over my neck, what would I look like.”

“See I knew you were fucking with some one else. Who is it? Yo ex? I’ll fuck him up over you. Don’t play with me.”

“Think what you want.” You shrug as you slip on a pair of underwear,”It seems like you have a bunch of assumptions about me anyway.”

“You didn’t answer me all night! What the fuck else am I going to think!” He bellows again as he watches you pull on one of his shirts to sleep in.

“THINK what you want. I do not care any more. The only thing I currently care about is going to bed. You can either stand here and argue with yourself or you can join me and go back to bed because I know you’re tired.” You sigh as you climb on to the middle of the mattress and snuggle under the blanket, turning your back to him.

“I’ll drop it if you promise you ain’t going back out with them.” He says seriously moments later,”Joker told me all about them and how they get around.” He explains as his voice grows remorseful. Just like it always did when he picked a fight and then apologized minutes later.

“Okay Oscar.” You yawn as you let your eyes close deciding to just agree with whatever he says so you can get to sleep,”I won’t hang out with them again.” You lie, having already made plans for next weekend with them.

“I mean it.”

“So do I.” You say as you feel him climb in behind you.

“I don’t mean to trip mami. I just got jealousy issues...how could I not when I have you as my girl.” He whispers into your ear after while as he pulls you to his chest,”I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything. I know you’d never cheat on me.”

“It’s fine Oscar, can we please just go to sleep? I’m really tired.” You say as you open your eyes and look out the window. Trying to remember a time when things were calmer with you and Oscar. Now it seems like all you guys do is fight, make up, and have sex,”Hm? Yeah, I love you too.” You reply as you hear him mumble it into your ear, your eyes watering as you blink back the tears all while telling yourself that it’ll get better. That it has to get better because you were exhausted at this point and you didn’t know how much longer you could hold on to this relationship.

[monchikyun]

XI. let’s compare scars

Connor is supposed to be the smart one. The entire point of his existence is to surpass all human beings in almost everything. But ‘almost’ is the key-word here. Apparently, maintaining impulse control is too much for his deviant processors.

Because a kiss, no matter how small or casual, always carries a hidden meaning. Or that’s how it should be. A gesture exchanged with the family to remind them they are a part of us, means of telling someone unrelated that they are welcome to become a part of it. Except he has no one but Gavin, so it ought to be only natural that he would want to show him just how treasured and important he is. To let him understand that he holds Connor’s heart in his hands.

He can’t figure out whether the man likes this kind of physical contact since the elevated heart rate could signify both things. Still, Gavin’s attraction to the android is no secret to him, so it would be safe to assume that his body has responded positively to the sudden violation of boundaries. What is going on inside his mind however, that is another matter altogether. He of all people realises how perplexing it could be, how it tries to destroy every bit of happiness that its owner might come upon. But maybe, if they join forces against the guards that are keeping them apart, maybe then they will have a fighting chance.

It won’t hurt to ask, if nothing else.  

“Do I have to apologise?” God knows he’s tired of hearing the word “sorry” over and over again, especially in his own voice.

“Please don’t.” The rare moments Gavin is polite always strengthen his feelings for that disaster of a man. It reminds Connor that most of what he usually says or does is the product of his sturdy self-defence. That underneath all the thorns, there is a withered garden in an urgent need of tending.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I…” Gavin looks at him with those glassy eyes that reflect the rain in his soul, and Connor has to try really hard not to do something still nonconsensual  “…no.”

“Okay.” He sits the man down on the bed, letting him catch a breath for fear of him combusting were Connor to move too fast.

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.” A dangerous lie he has no right to utter. Just being this close must be painful enough already, if he can go by his own perception.

He starts placing gentle kisses downwards his arm to make the pain go away, idly analysing every spot he touches. The man exhales sharply when he comes across the small scar tissue that doesn’t appear to be recent. He’s about to rest his lips on it, but the arm twitches as Gavin angles his body away from him.

Scars must be a really sensitive issue for him it seems. 

“What happened.”

“Nothing. My cat attacked me.” It looks like the detective isn’t even trying to hide the fact that he’s not telling the truth. His head faces away from the android like he’s ashamed of something and Connor must know what it is lest he the curiosity kills him.

He already has an inkling as what might have been the cause, but this time, a mere assumption would be insufficient.

“I thought we were being honest with each other.” It doesn’t feel good, prying information out of his friend like that. And yes, he does it mostly for his own benefit, that however doesn’t mean opening up wouldn’t help Gavin sort out the vile chaos that reigns him.

The man next to him sighs in surrender. 

“It was when I tried to quit smoking. … I just.. couldn’t handle myself back then… just like now. Needed something that would shut out the reality around me for a while. An outlet for the fury I hold inside.”

“So you carved it into your skin.”

“Yeah… didn’t last long. Just the three times. Figured cigarettes were more likely to take me out in the long run.”

He runs his fingers through his hair, messing it up in the process and Connor is quick to immortalize this moment inside of him. 

“Would you like to show me the other two?”

It’s easier at times the detective softens, when he comes out of his bitter shell. Connor can easily work with that, plus he's lucky he possesses the magic power that can make his partner so... tender.

“It wouldn’t be fair now, would it. You have nothing marring your body that I could take a look at in return… or do you?”

“No… nothing visible to a human eye.”

“Oh, sorry for not having advanced features like someone.” 

Teasing is Gavin’s personality default, and ever since the malice behind those biting remarks changed from vicious attacks into a symbol of their friendship, Connor has been gleaning some amount of joy from their playful exchanges.

“Gavin, you have many advantages I could never dream of,… it’s not that I’m superior to you.”

“Maybe not, but I bet you like to think that you are,” Gavin smirks at him like he can see right through this empty statement. He’s indeed jealous of Gavin’s humanity, of his ability to eat and sleep and enjoy other activities that have been denied to him. But he’s also glad to be the machine that he is, it’s comforting, familiar. Everything he’s ever known is to be is a computer plagued with unstable emotions.

“Whatever you say.” His attempt at a smug smile turns into a genuine one, which makes Gavin scoot closer to him. He bumps his thigh into Connor’s and opens his mouth as if he has something serious to say. But the android is faster than him.  

“I have bits of corrupted data all over my system.”

“Oh.”

Gavin has earned his share of secrets and this has been sitting on his chest for far too long, so he might as well get it off while he has the chance.

“After the… incident, my mind tried to fix itself by deleting memories of that day. Unsuccessfully, of course. I have been in so much anguish the self-repair kit I have installed inside of me activated itself and managed to do some damage before I finished disabling it.”

“Can’t you… can’t you set it right yourself?”

“No, unfortunately. I don’t want to lose any memories, no matter how tragic they might be.”

“Can’t relate to that.”

“Because you have over thirty years of them. For me, it has only been a tiny fracture of that time. That’s why I want to every single one of them. They’re all I have.”

For that, he receives a light shove to the shoulder accompanied by an incredulous look.

“And you. I have you.”

Gavin beams for several seconds before realising that he can be seen by the big bad android who made him do something this unspeakable in the first place.

“Thank you. For telling me.”

“Any time.”

Connor is tempted to express his gratitude for allowing him to places sweet kisses alongside his arm, but the detective has had enough adrenaline for one night.

“What kind of snack have you brought?” Gavin asks as he stands up to stretch his limbs.

The android follows his lead and goes to look in his bag for the item in question.

“Here you go,” he throws the small package at his friend who catches it, but only barely.

“Phcking trail-mix? You gotta be kidding me,” he scoffs in feigned disgust. “I better go drown in the shower before you force it down my throat.”

As if death could save him from Connor’s good intentions.

@a-convin-new-year

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

[fanficnewbie]

Sienna Weighs in P7

OPEN HEART: SECOND YEAR - CHAPTER SEVEN

(ETHAN x FEMALE MC)

MC is Dr. Francesca Houseman *This entry takes place after the end of Chapter Seven. (This is a chapter by chapter series…)

Francesca confides in Sienna how she met Ethan’s mother.

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS  Chapter 1:  MC tells Sienna about her Ethan convo at Donahue’s. Chapter 2:  MC and Sienna discuss Ethan’s gym routine.  Chapter 3:  MC questions how well she really knows Ethan.  Chapter 4:  MC takes Elijah and Sienna to see Evelyn’s exhibit.  Chapter 5:  Sienna talks MC through a panic attack over Ethan.  Chapter 6:  Sienna cheers on MC for standing up to Ethan. 

Word Count: 922 Rated: Teen

***

The two women sat alone in the locker room, Sienna silently digested what Francesca has just shared with her. Francesca started to fidget,

“Well, do you think I did the right thing? I didn’t sugar coat it cuz Ethan’s not a ‘sugar coat’ type of guy.”

Sienna took a breath, “Yes...I think you did. I just feel bad for him, maybe if you had shared that she mentioned she was proud of him, it would have softened the blow.”

“Here’s the thing about that. She noticed my badge, knew that’s why I was a doctor. Our badges also say ‘Edenbrook’ on it. She knows that’s where he works but didn’t ask me anything about him or even if I knew him, And then that call. It just all sounded so suspicious and shady. I just don’t trust her.”

Sienna chewed on her lip a bit, “You were in there for a few minutes, you don’t even know her.”

Francesca stood up abruptly and started to pace around the small room, “I have been trained to meet and diagnose someone quickly correctly with limited information. That’s what I did. At least if I’m wrong here, nobody will die. And I didn’t lie to Ethan, I told him what she did. He thinks she’s after his money and after that stunt, it’s not a far-fetched hypothesis.”

Sienna put her hands up, “Okay, okay. You did the right thing.”

Francesca plopped back onto the bench with a sigh. “No, if you don’t agree with me it’s fine. I’m just so confused now. I told Stephanie the truth and she’s at Mass Kenmore with our grant money. So obviously I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Sienna patted Francesca’s leg, “Hun, you’re good. You’re doing the best you know to do for those that you care about.” Sienna’s hand stilled as she went silent.

“What?”

Sienna started to chew her lip again as she weighed something in her mind. “Just, well, do you think Aurora had anything to do with the Mass Kenmore grant? I mean you told us about the situation when we were making scones and then a few days later…”

Francesca shook her head vehemently, “No. There has to be another explanation. It’s just like with Jackie, I made assumptions without the full story. I won’t do the same with Aurora… Wait! Do you think it was her?”

Sienna’s eyes widened, “No! Not at all. I just wanted to be sure that we were on the same page.”

They sat in silence for a few more moments, “I opened the door for Stephanie to go to Mass Kenmore. I really can’t blame anyone but myself.”

“You really need to stop being so hard on yourself. Mass Kenmore offered her more money, unless you called Dr. Carrick yourself and told him exactly how to beat the offer, you have no culpability in this one.”

“I guess I just wanted to have some good news. Between Edenbrook’s financial woes, two patients with permanent disabilities, another patient buying his own kidneys, and Ethan’s shady mother - I was really hoping for a win.”

Sienna cocked her head, “Well, it depends on how you look at it. I count it as a win that Ethan took you with him to see his shady mother. That was a huge dip into his personal life, a decision he could have easily said ‘no’ to. But he didn’t, he took you along and allowed you to have the first interaction with her. Hun, he’s letting you back in.”

Francesca’s face quirked into a smile, “It was a nice moment, especially on the car ride back, there was an...intimacy to it.”

Sienna looked at her watch and stood, “I think you’re closer than you think.”

Francesca stood and started gathering her things, “Well, from your lips to God’s ears because I swear if Ethan doesn’t make a move within the next month, I’m just going to sleep with Bryce.”

“You wouldn’t!!!!” 

Francesca clocked the look of horror on Sienna’s face and shrugged, “Why not? It wouldn’t be anything serious, just me finally taking him up on all of his shameless flirting. A girl has needs.”

“No, no no.” Sienna shook her head, emphasizing each word. “First off, Bryce would never go for it. He flirts with you shamelessly because he knows you’re safe. He knows you’re into Ethan and as such, he can get away with it.”

“How does he know?!”

“Elijah may have let it slip but,” she put a hand up to stop Francesca from interjecting, “but, it was no real surprise. Like Jackie, he’s close enough to you to see rather clearly what others may not. More important than that, you don’t want Bryce or anyone else other than Ethan, so stay focused on the real prize.”

Hoisting her bag over her shoulder, Francesca groaned, “I know, I know. I’d never actually cross that line with Bryce. It’s just been so long and as lovely as holding Ethan’s hand is, it’s just not enough.”

Sienna gave her a knowing smile, “Don’t I know it? But life’s best gifts are always the ones worth waiting for.”

Francesca rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath, “Okay, Pollyanna.”

Sienna laughed, “I heard that. But you know I’m right. Was he worth waiting for last year?”

Francesca bit her lip at the memory, “Oh God yes.”

Sienna followed her out of the locker room, “Then he will be again. And just like he broke last year, he will again. A man has needs too. Trust me on this one.”

Chapter 8: Francesca has to the consequences after the baseball game.

***

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[what-a-messsss]

2x2 rewatch

Eeeeehehehehe, why the fuck am I laughing this hard when I realized it was the roadkill compost episode?  That is not in the least funny, it’s actually pretty gross, but I’m literally paused 3 seconds in chortling to myself so hard that I’m having to wipe away tears.  ...I think the stress is getting to me.  Anyway, back to fictional Wyoming!

It’s actually a pretty genius business model, to be honest.  Taking a sadly repeating resource and using it to enrich the soil?  Tough work, no doubt, physically and mentally, but a smart and very niche thing.  I hadn’t thought about the fact that cleaning up roadkill would have been part of Walt’s job as a deputy.  Lucian said in S6, in his fantastically circuitous way, that it had been 10 years since he and Walt had worked together (if I remember correctly).  Which... wait, is that right?  Had Walt really only been sheriff for 4 years when the show started?  Which is a single term, before Branch ran against him.  I think I’d had the impression that he’d been sheriff for longer than that.  Or is my math just super borked?  (A very real possibility.)  Who were Walt’s deputies before these three?  Branch has  probably been a deputy for a while, Vic was hired a few months before the show and it isn’t clear for Ferg but it’s implied at least a chunk longer.  So who were his deputies for the rest of those 4 years?  (Aaaaaand this is how I grow OCs.  Shit.)

She names the roadkill?  Eeeeeh...

Branch, you douchecanoe.  You are very clearly not welcome in her home anymore; the fact that she hasn’t moved the spare key isn’t a fucking invitation to break in and invade her privacy, oh my gods I hate you so much.  This is predatory behavior.  You need to either go through official channels with the department to do a wellness check or FUCK RIGHT OFF into the deepest reaches of hell.  Excellent plan, fucking off.

Henry,  I adore you beyond measure.  “Thanks-taking.”  Vic... Seriously?  “God, you people really hold a grudge.”  Somehow, I think they’re kind of entitled to, what with all of the wars, genocide, stolen land, racism, broken treaties, and the like.  Get bent.

Genuinely, Henry’s dry as anything sass is quite possibly the best thing about the whole show.  We didn’t get nearly enough of it during the later seasons.  And his little smiiiiile at having made Walt chuckle, oh my heart.

The “Hands up!”  O.o  “Hands down!” little comedy gag is totally sold by KS’s face, haaaa.  And Ferg’s bafflement, but collected response to those truckers thinking he was a rentboy was solid.

I kind of have to applaud that sex worker’s gumption to just try to take off in the truck.  Not the best thought out plan, to be sure, but gutsy.

Ok, Branch has just had a line establishing that they’re not in Absaroka, and then Vic and Ferg look annoyed/confused when Walt tells them to cut the sex workers and customers loose, but then Branch finishes with, “Absaroka County wishes you all a fine evening... at home.”  So are they in Absaroka, or not??

Kudos to Walt saying, “Which will allow you to get out of here.  If that’s what you want.”  Not falling completely into the savior complex bs is good, and acknowledging that she is an adult who can make her own decisions, even if they’re ones he would wish she wouldn’t is good.  ........If only he could extend that same courtesy to his own daughter.  

Branch, wtf.  It’s a felony to even have burglar’s tools.  Legit, it’s a felony punishable with up to 3 years in prison or up to $3k, or both.  Unlawful entry is 10 years and/or $10k, and I’m pretttttyyyyyy fucking sure you don’t have a warrant to be in Cady’s house.  FUCK OFF.  You giant douchecanoe.  (Min and I also have a headcanon that the random coloured empty frames are Branch’s fault, because they don’t really go with any of the rest of the decor, and we hate them.  So we decided that when he saw the Andy Warhol style print she had that he got those for her and she just never got around to taking them down after they broke up.)  And isn’t tampering with someone’s mail a federal offence?  You are the worst.

Aaaand then Walt calls the Collettes showing Ross Lanten’s wife video of him with prostitutes “interfering in his marriage.”  Okaaaay.  Because helping get a woman and kids out of what has several hallmarks of an abusive marriage is “interfering,” I guess.  Not the happiest about that word choice, I’m not gonna lie.

Aaaaaand then Whitish is super racist, and I hate her.  Henry handles it with grace, but fuck, I cannot imagine how wearying that must be.  And Branch makes obnoxious and offensive assumptions (playing to his strengths, natch), and Henry once again demonstrates how he is also the Actual Best.

Nobody has heard from Cady recently, but the tiny little hesitation Henry has before he confirms that he hasn’t heard from her either is so good.  LDP is so good.  Just from that, it reinforces how much that bothers him, and that he’s worried, but also that he really doesn’t want to talk to Branch about any of it.

“If you do, will you let me know?”  “I most certainly will not.”  Such a classy way to basically tell Branch to fuck off and get wrecked.  

A lady threatening Henry with a knife and I should not be focusing on how great he looks in a vest, but heeeeere we are.  (I do love that brown vest.)  And even after she is drunk and rude and racist and threatens him, Henry’s look when she says that she knew the dead man still has concern and compassion in it.  Waaaaaah.

Do I remember what Walt did to his hand?  Was that something from this episode that I’m not remembering right now, or are they actually having some intra-episode continuity and that bandage is him still recovering from the start of frostbite?  [Dang it, my Xbox controller just pooped out.  Now I have to go swap it out for the other one and stick this one in the charging dock.  But I’m so cozy in bed with my jar o’ tea and everythinggggg.  Boo.]  ...  [It has been long enough since I wrote that last bit that my Xbox has shut itself down twice in the interim.  Oops.  I’m super great at focusing.]

Fuck, that “I was some place I shouldn’ta been” hits hard.  This whole seen in rough.

Aaaahaha, why is the fact that Ferg is also standing there looking at Walt when he wakes up so much funnier than if it had just been Vic?  And his little grin.  And Ruby with a mug of his toothbrush and such for Walt!  Rubyyyyy!  (Holy shit, the fact that they have this little set up is alarmingly adorable, and I heckin’ adore Ruby.)  And then she sasses Branch, and I just want nice things for her.  

Walt’s “If you want,��� to Ferg came off to me more like, ‘waste your time if you want to,’ (though that could well be my own issues projected” but I’m proud of Ferg for running with it.  And I do appreciate Walt calling the sex worker a lady.

Of course, he pulls Henry into his bs, getting him to solicit a sex worker.  Why does Henry put up with him?  I’m sorryyyy, but the pointing is so awkward and I cringe so hard, but what else is he going to do, I guess?  And how does he recognize her anyway?  Did Walt take a picture of her before letting her go, or something?  It doesn’t seem like he even got her name, to pull up a picture from a rap sheet, sooo...  Why am I even worrying about it?  And at least Walt doesn’t think that it’s not rape just if it’s a sex worker.

The flashback scene sure hits hard, too.  Damn.  I’m trying to remember the last time I saw anybody other than Vic actually pull on a glove in consideration of fingerprints.  I think there might have been one time or something, but nothing comes readily to mind.

For all that I rag on Walt for just collecting his assumptions and taking them to the bank, there is heavy irony with him now laying out the reasons he’s not arresting Whitish, because there is reasonable doubt in the form of the Collettes.  

Ooooooope, and then Branch brings up Cady.  I sure this can only go really well.  Aaaaaaaaand of course Walt has one of his Longmire Epiphanies and just walks off in the middle of the conversation, such as it was.

Does a college registrar’s really have your birth certificate on file?  I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to submit a copy to mine, but I also don’t really remember?  But that seems weird.

Ah, the bandage was about the frostbite.  I appreciate the continuity.  

Hmmmmmm, Cady leaving her phone at home when she drove to CO seems unlikely.  It seems unlikely as a generality for her generation, and on practical levels (directions to the precinct and such?), and just... That’s pretty hard to buy.  If I don’t want to talk to somebody, or even a bunch of people, I’d ignore calls or even block numbers, but her not taking her phone gives the impression that there is literally nobody that she would want to talk to, and that plays into this really weird bit of characterization void that the writers fell into of Cady just not knowing any single person other than her dad, Henry, Ruby, Branch, and Ferg, and I guess Vic.  As if she just doesn’t exist outside of her relation to one of them.  She doesn’t want to talk to any of the 6 of them, so there is not a single other person on the planet who she would want to be able to talk to/have them contact her?  There’s not a single other person on the planet that she knows who if they called and said, “I have an emergency, can you talk/help?” that she wouldn’t want to be available for?  Bullshit.  The entire rest of the series when she’s onscreen is showing how much she cares.  She’s a fucking Hufflepuff, and she’s not going to leave her damn phone at home while she drives 6 hours away into another damn state.  If you so desperately need to that she’s not even seeing his call, have her leave it in her car when she goes into the Denver station.  Like, unless she has a second phone that she did take, I’m not buying it.  Even as an attempt at “she’s so caught up in her mother’s murder now, oooo, Longmire tantrum and singular focus’ characterization.  Just, boo.

[eddiesdiaz]

When Stiles asks "but...why me?" how does Jackson show his love? How does he prove it? Because as far as stiles is concerned, there's always someone smarter, funnier, better looking. So what does Jackson finally do to get Stiles to understand "why me?"

it’s kind of funny, actually, because at first jackson’s honest answer would be “i don’t know.” when they first get together, he genuinely does not understand it. not because he’s rich and popular and stiles isn’t, or because he’s embarrassed to be seen with him, but just because they’re such vastly different people. he has no idea how they somehow work so well together, how stiles fits right in at jackson’s side like he was always meant to be there.

the first time stiles asks him, he says “because you’re good in bed,” which certainly is not a lie. he knows exactly what to do to make jackson come apart, pushes his boundaries in ways no one else has ever dared before. stiles brings out the submissive side of him that he’d never previously allowed himself to explore, but he does it without being patronizing or overbearing. they’d agreed not to be exclusive, and yet jackson hasn’t bothered with anyone else since, because the sex could never measure up. when he’s with stiles, the energy is electric and intoxicating and all-consuming.

stiles seems fairly satisfied by that answer at the time, but it turns out to be a question he asks frequently, because there’s no denying his self-esteem is severely lacking. jackson’s responses are typically surface-level, because he sucks at talking about his feelings, but they’re honest nonetheless. “because you’re the only one that can keep up with my snarky attitude and my sarcasm.” “because you make me laugh, and you’re as much of an asshole as i am.” “because you’re the only person in this godforsaken town that doesn’t make me want to set myself on fire.”

the closer they get, though, as booty calls turn into soft sleepovers and just sex turns into an exclusive relationship, jackson realizes his initial assumption was wrong all this time. it was never a case of “opposites attract” at all, because under the surface they’re actually painfully similar. their crippling insecurities, their strained relationship with their parents, their fear of never being enough, their overwhelming desire to be loved and accepted. it makes jackson very, very protective of stiles, because he wouldn’t wish anything resembling the internal torture of his mind on anyone, least of all stiles. stiles, who constantly saves him from that torture, who gets him out of his head with gentle touches and quiet words of encouragement.

they’ve been together a little over a year when jackson says “i love you” for the first time. stiles has said it a few times before, but jackson wasn’t quite there yet, because it’s not just the first time he’s saying it to stiles, it’s the first time he’s saying it ever.

so here he is, feeling incredibly proud of himself for this massive personal growth, and stiles’ scent goes sweet and he smiles softly as his heart skips a beat, but what comes out of his mouth is “but...why?” so sincere, like he legitimately doesn’t understand. jackson swears he feels his heart literally crack in two, and he loses it.

“god, stiles, you’re the smartest person i’ve ever known but you’re so fucking stupid,” he says, pressing their foreheads together to look him in the eye, noses brushing. he takes stiles’ hand and guides it to his own chest, so he can feel jackson’s steady, unwavering heartbeat. “you’re everything i wish i could be, okay? you are who you are and you don’t apologize for it, or change yourself to please people. you’re gorgeous but you don’t have to try too hard, and you don’t flaunt it just for attention. even though you and your dad have had your issues, you still put in the time and the work to maintain a good relationship with him. everyone you love, you love completely, even though you’re afraid of getting hurt. everything that i fuck up...you do it right, and i respect the hell out of you for that. you make me want to be better. and i am getting better, i think, thanks to you. so shut up and just let me love you, jesus.”

and then jackson kisses him before he can argue. he doesn’t miss the wave of acceptance and content that seeps into stiles’ scent as he sighs happily against jackson’s lips.

stiles doesn’t ask him again after that.