#the more you stretch (grow/practice skills/healthy coping mechanisms) the harder you snap back when you snap back
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physically ill with how repulsive i find myself 🥰
#don’t rb#i am bossy and i always insert myself and my opinion when neither have been asked for!#it may be well-intentioned but no one wants to be lectured by someone they’ve hung out with twice jo#stop trying to mother every new friend it will not make them like you more or more quickly#and if it does that’s a red flag anyway#just. stop it. stop.#i’ve had a pathetic fucking day today.#i cried in japanese class this morning like a Fucking loser idiot#pretty sure sensei doesn’t like or respect me and that’s fine! why would she! i’m stupid and worthless 🥰#and a fucking kiss up on top of all of that#and lazy don’t forget lazy!#sorry if ur reading this im sorry im honestly okay just. having a tough week#i just wish i was different from how i am#and i get study abroad results in like 2 days and im freaking the fuck out but pretending not to#to the point that i almost have myself convinced#it’s just been a fun fun FUN week of struggling and revisiting old (bad) coping mechanisms that are not helpful but familiar and comforting#it’s like uhhhhhh my friend had a rubber band metaphor a while back that was like.#the more you stretch (grow/practice skills/healthy coping mechanisms) the harder you snap back when you snap back#so on the one hand i’m eating my fruits and veggies and making attempts to clean my room#and on the other hand i’m deliberately pushing myself into headspaces 19yo jo was Intimately familiar with for not good reasons!#therapist says i have a core belief that if i’m not struggling then i’m doing something wrong or there’s something wrong with me. so.#whatever i don’t want to be a person i don’t want anyone to know me i want to be erased from the earth#it’s humiliating. it is just humiliating that i exist and humiliating that i have to be me every day.#divine punishment truly. my existence is hell as a consequence for some sin i must have committed in a past life#whatever. not to make the dash uncomfortable but also like. deal with it.#jo can use the tumblr tags as a fucked up little diary. as a treat.#i don’t normally do this obviously but this week is a special circumstance methinks.#i have to hope that after this week. after this term. after i graduate. it will be better.#please god. please god let me get accepted to go to japan.#i’m not s**c*d*l which is cool ig but i am full up with despair like some kind of very sad beanie baby
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