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dropofgoldensun · 3 years ago

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omg hiiiii i am here from cat (@luvdsc) wondering if you could offer any advice about college apps 🙏 especially about the uc piqs? thank you so much i hope ur doing well!!!!!!!!

yes yes hello friend !! 💝 miss cat directed you to me because i did my college apps last year !!! (yikes one year passed already?? why does that feel ages ago 🤧)

first of all, congratulations on making the decision to apply to college !! i know it’s been hard for a lot of people our age to figure out the college situation recently, so i’m proud of you for choosing to take the extra step this summer to buckle up and write those essays 💞

i’ve compiled a few tips on answering the PIQs (i was actually in the middle of typing this up when i received your ask haha), but some of them can be applied to other essays, as well !! they’re all under the cut (because, unfortunately, being brief is not my forte) 😊

(and for reference, the prompts i chose were #2 (creativity), #6 (subject), #7 (community), and #8 (anything) !!)

tip #1: understand the prompt.

before you even begin writing, it’s important to understand what the question is really asking. for the UC PIQs, this will look different depending on which four prompts you decide to do.

in question one, for example, they want to know about your skills in leading others, but notice that they’re also curious about your resolution abilities and teamwork experience. or in question two, they don’t want to know that you paint and that you love painting—they could be asking how resourceful you are, how you think outside the box when you have an idea.

once you know the question you’re going to be answering, you can move on to brainstorming!

tip #2: write down three (3) key takeaways.

these are like the most basic, not-even-a-sentence answers you would give to each question. so for me, in response to question eight (“what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for the UCs?”), my answers were perseverance, courage, and character. i had a story about that, so i wrote about my experience with martial arts.

i recommend you do something similar. decide on three things that you want to communicate to your audience, and write them in the footnote of your document. your goal is to cover all three points so that, if anyone were to read your essay, they would walk away understanding those three things about you.

i found this strategy really helpful for keeping my essay streamlined while writing—if a sentence didn’t relate to any of those main points, i would cut it since those words would take up valuable space in the word count. stay focused on what needs to be in this essay, and if you have extra words left in the word count later, you can add those details back in.

and once you’re done with your essay, make sure to refer back to your takeaways and check that you covered all of them sufficiently!

tip #3: highlight your stories.

i sent cat an ask a couple days ago with a few pictures of my response to an end-of-year college counseling survey that referenced this tip (you can find it here). basically i said that, when choosing what topics to write about, pick things that interest you! if you get excited talking about it, your audience should get excited about reading it, because they’ll pick up on the passions you have and then everyone’s excited !!! :D

i’ll tell you a secret: everyone you meet, everyone you see, has countless unique experiences that few others may have. me? i spend hours making mashups out of kpop songs. i earned my black belt years after a traumatizing experience during training. i get russian harry potter and spanish dr. seuss books from the library. and i created a collaborative online google photos album for my classmates that now has thousands of entries. although these aren’t necessarily unique to only me, they’re still special enough to the point where, when you put them all together, you get a better image of the person i am, and what i value.

so find a story, a habit, a hobby that makes you different, because i believe that everyone has them. give them some food for thought, or that one-liner that sticks in their brain and won’t go away. and remember: these stories don’t all have to be extraordinary—they should be about people or moments of special value to you, because that’s what matters.

personal tip: when i was brainstorming ideas, i decided that the best way to get ideas out there was to go on a rant (because sometimes it helps to just have a conversation with yourself !!) and i recorded myself, so i could replay what i said !! this was so so crucial to me finding my own voice for writing essays. notice the way you word things when you talk—a good line or two may make it into the final draft :)

i found it helpful to read sample essays as well! they give a lot of great ideas on the kinds of topics people write about. (also, it’s kind of fun, because who doesn’t love a good story?)

but the people reading your essay won’t be there to just enjoy your story; what they really want you to do is to tell them what you learned from your experience. they want to know whether you’re teachable and willing to grow both as a student and as a young adult. so make sure to take note of the life lessons you learned, experience you gained, character you built, etc.

minor tip on ending your essay: if you’re telling a story that happened in the past, then close with what you learned and how you can apply that to your life moving forward. if you’re telling a story that has no definite end yet (like a passion or dream you have), you probably don’t have everything figured out (and you can say that in your essay!), so it might be better to close with your hopes for the future.

tip #4: ask your family for help.

peer-editing is one of the most effective ways to detect errors and inconsistencies in your writing, because, after staring at your essay for so long, you might gloss over glaring contradictions. for all of my essays, i printed them out and asked my parents to help me revise them. we’d meet every other night (or every night, depending on how much time was left) to review and discuss improvements.

i actually kept some of those printed drafts (only the first and the final ones for comparison), and let me tell you from experience—you’re probably going to have a lot of drafts (i think the most i did was seven? but you don’t need to go that far!). this part of the process does take some time, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself :) these essays won’t happen overnight!

enlisting the help of others also helps keep you accountable. one of the struggles many seniors face while writing essays is just... setting aside time to do them. and even though the constant reminders from your parents will definitely get repetitive and a bit stress-inducing, i can tell you from personal experience that i’m so glad they did; otherwise, i don’t think i’d have my essays done in time :’)

while writing college essays is challenging, your family will be there supporting you each step of the way. chances are that they’ll have their own pointers to pass on to you, since they probably remember doing this process themselves! and, out of everyone in your life, they probably remember the most about you (because you probably don’t remember much when you were four or five), so they might have a couple starter ideas for topics when brainstorming. you can rely on them for their advice and their experience.

tip #5: self-editing.

here’s the part that takes the longest time.

use action words. this is probably something you’ve heard all throughout elementary school where they didn’t like you to say “said” because it was “boring”… but honestly, the difference between “doing my own version” and “infusing it with my personality” could go a long way. also, use words that you would actually use in an essay—then it’ll have your own special flair, and not sound like it’s taken from some stuffy 80s textbook!

here are some of the words i used (once again, you shouldn’t use these words if they don’t sound like something you’d write/say): potential, overlay, wrestle, launch, analogous, weave, infuse, experiment, outlet, revel, fascinate, satisfaction, pursue, expand, distinction, capture, range, archive, engage, beyond, build, adversity, cultivate, preserve, commit, explore, convey, naturally

also, be on the lookout for repeated words. i once wrote an essay without noticing that i used “hope” three times in the same paragraph. don’t do that! use synonyms :) personally, i tended to run short on synonyms, so i always kept a tab or two open on my computer reserved for searching up new words.

side note: unfortunately, during my search for synonyms, i discovered that thesaurus.com just didn’t give me what i was looking for. i highly recommend using wordhippo instead; it has so many more options and they’re grouped by the different definitions of your word! i found the synonyms i needed really quickly and it was very satisfying!

avoid the passive voice! my teacher gave me this tip for theses or any other college-level writing. here’s an example of the passive voice: “there was a large part of me that wanted to turn back.” that’s twelve words taking up precious space in your word count! instead, say something like, “i considered turning back.” you’ve just freed up eight words :)

tip #6: final revisions.

this is the step where you fine-tune your essays. meet that word count.

read your writing out loud. does it sound like you? it should. every writer has a different voice, and you need to ensure that yours is pervasive throughout your essay. feel free to use contractions—not only do they reduce your word count (this was a good thing for me, since i had a problem with getting under 350 words), but they also give a more casual tone to your essay, as if you’re telling a story to someone in the room.

next, pretend to be an admissions officer and have someone else read your essay to you. do you get excited hearing about this student who shares your name? if you do, there’s a good chance the real admissions officers will love your essays, too. this also gives you a chance to review to your essay as a whole. pay attention to the overall flow. is there a clear beginning and end? do you resolve the issues and overcome the trials you brought up? listen to it as if it’s a story, and take this time to enjoy what you’ve written. you worked hard!

final thoughts / encouragements.

oh my goodness, did we make it to the end? honestly if you did, thank you so much 🥺

okay but despite my relatively optimistic tone throughout this post, i’m still going to be honest with you—the college essay writing process is difficult. it requires you to look inside yourself and analyze the “why” behind some of the things that you love, and that isn’t easy to do at all. it’s intellectually and emotionally challenging, because not only do you need to use so much energy writing, but you also have to dig deeper to understand yourself, and that’s not easy, either.

but i wanted to encourage you, too. no matter what you may think of yourself at 12am, 2am, 4am writing these essays, believe you have a personality that others love and will love when they meet you. you are an interesting person with unique experiences who deserves to share your thoughts with others. you have so many people behind you, supporting you during these next few months. and when you find that you can’t write any more, remember to take time to care for yourself. have a warm shower. go to bed early. i could go on and on about why sleep is good for your brain but i’ll spare you the details in this post 😉

one last thing: keep the bigger picture in focus. remember, by december or january, you will be finished with most of the application process. that’s no small accomplishment. you can do it. 💝

i really hope you found tips that you were looking for, and that they’re applicable to your own PIQs and other essays !! if you have any other questions, feel free to send in another ask (i promise my response won’t be this lengthy LOL) 💘💓

oh, and if you feel comfortable enough reaching out about anything in particular, i’m only a DM away 💕 i wish you the best of luck on writing your essays and i hope you enjoy your final year of high school !! 💗🌸💟💖

#asks #college tips

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blund3r-bust3r · 4 years ago

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I love your writing sm and was wondering if u had any tips?? Just on anything really lol, bc I sort of wanna try writing more lol

oh thank you so much! super flattered you want my advice lol. i’m just a hobbyist but i do have some tricks that i’ve picked up from the internet over the years that might be useful. wall of info inbound:

i’ll begin with workflow optimization because that’s more likely to be put into practice. staying comfortable is important :D for starters, i never type on a white background. the first thing i do when i open a new document is change the page color to a light green (my go-to is #C5E0B3). looks a little like this:

doing this helps to lower the contrast between background and type to reduce eye fatigue. idk about you but my job already has me staring at a screen for nine hours a day and the last thing i need is go blind from working in a default word doc. google docs can do this too. this also goes for themes -- change your word processor’s theme to a dark mode!

adding onto that, never use your pc in a dark room. like, in general, but doubly-so for writing. the blue light isn’t good for your eyes, and on top of that, if you need to look at your keyboard to see what you’re typing, you’ll strain yourself further just trying to see the keys. i always have a lamp on when i’m writing, even during the day

not a bad idea to invest in a good chair if you use a desktop. if not, be sure to take frequent breaks so your spine doesn’t implode. additionally, and completely unnecessarily, mechanical keyboards can make writing really fun cause they go CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK super loud and it can be pretty satisfying. but maybe reconsider if you have a roommate lmao

fonts. my first draft is always written in comic sans cause it’s a silly little font and i like to look at it. however, when i go to edit, i switch it all back to calibri because the font shift helps my brain recalibrate and catch those errors i might have missed initially. two pairs of eyes are always better than one, but if you’re like me and you don’t use beta readers, this might be your next best option

cloud services! preferably a free one, like google docs. since we’re working with type documents, we really don’t need a lot of storage, so the free ones work just fine. super useful for access across devices, something i use frequently since i switch between desktop and laptop depending on how i’m feeling. more importantly, it allows you backups in case something gets lost or corrupted. take it from an animation student: CLOUD SERVICES ARE YOUR FRIEND. i always upload my wips and completed documents to a dedicated folder online. it’s a good habit

do you listen to music to focus? i sure as hell can’t. even instrumentals throw me off sometimes. what i like to do if i can’t focus, or if there’s some external noise distracting me (which is often), is pull up some 10 hour oscillating fan video on youtube and crank that shit until my ears are pure white noise. works like a charm

alright now on to the actual writing tips. these are what i found work for my process but maybe some could benefit yours too

at minimum, know your beginning and ending. it doesn’t have to be super specific but it does help having a goal in mind of where you want your characters to end up. the details can come later

outlines are nice! but they don’t work for everyone. some fic writers just blast on through without anything guiding them and i consider those people to be above mortal weakness. others like to plan so they always know where they’re heading next (i’m others). an outline should never be too detailed though, at risk of it becoming too rigid. leave yourself room for freedom by saving the intricacies for the writing process

also, outlines don’t necessarily have to be finished! as long as you know your ending, partial outlines are sometimes enough to get you started. that’s how i’m doing things with my story

don’t get married to your ideas. sometimes things change and those plans you had for later don’t fit anymore. this is totally okay, because odds are, whatever those changes were, they're necessary enough to warrant removing those ideas to begin with

you don’t have to write from point A to point B all the time. sometimes i get bored with a scene and i put it on hold and move on to another one that i think might be more fun in the meantime. you’ll always have time to stitch it together later

set a word count minimum whenever you sit down to write. it doesn’t have to be recurring, and it doesn’t have to be big. just whatever you feel like you can hit. a thousand sound like too much right now? go for five hundred. or three hundred. it doesn’t matter the size of the goal as long as you’re able to reach it. helps keep your mental happy

use periods more often. this might sound kinda silly, but trust me. snappier sentences are easier to follow. it also inadvertently avoids run-on sentences, which, in my experience, give me a sense of anxiety because i tend to read through those faster, like i’m in a hurry. idk if it’s the same for everyone, but whatever feeling it invokes, it’s probably not the one you’re intending. so, periods

which reminds me! fight scenes: shorter sentences, less detail. your readers don’t have to see everything as it perfectly plays out in your head. just give them a general idea and let their imaginations fill in the rest. dialogue: the less you can say in quotations, the better. saves wordcount too. sometimes it’s unavoidable and that’s whatever, especially in informal writing like fic, but it’s good to keep in mind. another good thing to keep in mind? you don’t have to lay out a whole setting in the first paragraph. sprinkling in details throughout a scene to slowly paint the picture of a subject / setting is a lot more engaging

i think my biggest thing when it comes to fic is FORMAT YOUR STORY!!! by which i mostly mean paragraphs. you don’t even have to know the rules when it comes to indenting necessarily. just remember that too many paragraphs is better than two little. reading long, singular blocks of text can not only be intimidating, but draining. here’s some simple rules to keep in mind if you’re ever not sure when to indent: if a new person is speaking, indent. if the subject switches, indent. if you REALLY want to put emphasis on a particular sentence, indent. and then indent again so that sentence is all on its own :)

obviously the rules of writing are super flexible and nothing is set in stone so you can do whatever suits your style. i know it’s a lot lol but i hope at least one thing in here makes your life a little easier! good luck with your future stories :D

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sworntoprotect · 4 years ago

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THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat. Long post!

MUN NAME: Pie AGE: +25 CONTACT: IM, Ask, Discord (mutuals only, by request)

CHARACTER(S): Cullen

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Dragon Age

FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR: I have a modern verse for everything not Dragon Age, but I might add some actual alt verses for other fandoms

MY LANGUAGE(S): English (native), Spanish (intermediate), Korean (baby lol beginner), bits and bobs of other languages (namely French and French Patois)

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / SCIENCE FICTION / HORROR / WESTERN / ROMANCE / THRILLER / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / EROTIC / CRIME / MYTHOLOGY / CLASSIC / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / ANCIENT / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / SPORT / MUSIC / SCIENCE / FIGHTS / ANGST / SMUT / DRAMA / ETC. (I started this and realised I’d be bolding almost everything, so: EVERYTHING)

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: ONE-LINER / 1 PARA / 2 PARA / 3+ PARA / NOVELLA. / ALL

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?: YES / NO / OCCASIONALLY - only by Mutuals?: YES / NO

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / CASUAL / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. / ALL

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?: YES / NO.

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (after my paper is submitted, yeah sure)

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?: YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. (irl makes coping difficult sometimes)

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ WEEKS / MONTHS / YEARS. / DEPENDS ON MOOD AND INSPIRATION, AND IF I’M BUSY

I’M OKAY INTERACTING WITH: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / A RELATIVE OF MY CHARACTER (AN OC) / DUPLICATES / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / SELF-INSERTS / PEOPLE WITH NO AU VERSE FOR MY FANDOM / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (I strive for more IC over OOC, but my queue does a lot of work too)

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING: Talk with me over IM, asks, or Disco. I’m down for almost anything as long as I see it’s feasible.

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER: Transparency. If you have an idea, let me know! If you’re stuck, let me know! If you want to start something new or scrap something or whatever...LET ME KNOW! I promise I don’t bite and I understand.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?: I’m not very good with coming up with plots myself, so I’m typically the weak link when it comes to that. Sorry! But you bet I’ll pull up a plot generator and start throwing things down to see what sticks haha.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?: I’m all about equal opportunity, so I try not to leave the plotting work to my partner. Let’s negotiate and find something that makes both of us happy. That’s the point after all.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. - AND WHY?: If you want to drop a thread, I’m completely fine with it. I want to know so that I don’t end up replying to something you have no interest in anymore. Saves both of us the time.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?: If drafts eat it (as they are wont to do these days) or if I feel it has reached a natural conclusion. I rarely, if ever, drop a thread in the middle. I’ll just let you know I’m going to finish it on my side and allow you a chance to finish on yours if you’d like.

WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO. - AND WHY?: You don’t need to chat with me every minute of every day, but I like knowing the people I’m writing with. Discerning your personality and your approach to your muse gives me a much stronger understanding of how to write with you, and what vibes between us. Plus, it’s easier to remember different people’s boundaries if I talk with them a lot, too.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: I am all for constructive criticism. Even if you think it’s nitpicky, it’s going to be a great help. Good crit allows us grow as writers and as people in general. However, I am not for baseless accusations, childish name-calling, or outright insults under the name of “constructive crit”. Remember the “constructive” part: we need to build each other up.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: I love a good story. While I don’t agree with everything Cullen does (and no one should, for anyone real or imagined), his story is intriguing. He’s a deeply flawed, deeply broken man. I love to take on a character, toss them in every situation I can think of, and watch them evolve and grow.

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS: A real redemption arc, for one. A realistic struggle with substance abuse and recovery. A future of happiness.

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE: Rape or sexual assault, unless being spoken about as a past event (as I truly believe that Cullen was sexually assaulted at Kinloch along with the other psychological and physical torture he endured). In-game racism is baked in, unfortunately, but it’s not something I seek out to roleplay as a PoC myself. Finally, while I play Cullen as canon-straight, I will not play out homophobia and most definitely not transphobia. If he rejects your muse for hitting on him, it’s not because he’s being homophobic: he’s just not interested. That also doesn’t mean he’ll never be interested; people can and do change, and I ship chemistry overall. He doesn’t hate your muse for their gender, orientation, or sexual preferences. I feel like I really have to spell this out for people who don’t understand. If you feel personally insulted by this somehow, feel free to address me directly, off anon. It’s probably an issue of fuzzy wording that I’m 500% willing to fix and talk about.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: I love starters that set the scene and provide plenty to work with, be it in terms of interacting with the environment or with the other person. If your muse shows immediate disinterest in communicating (and I don’t mean argumentative, which is perfectly fine), I am not going to respond. I might politely ask for more if I feel like it’s a salvageable interaction.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?: Stoic soldier types, bubbly short girls, and semi-mad scientists.

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?: Characters that come across as Mary-Sue / Gary-Stu types. No flaws and barely any room to grow.

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I'm very easy-going and I have an unearthly level of tolerance for almost everything. I try to provide partners with as much to work with as possible IC, and will pretty much support your very existence OOC. I believe in open communication so you’ll know what’s going on with me and/or our threads. Also, I typically reply within a week or two. Currently I’m tethered to finishing a big paper so I’m not a good example of that right now.

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I can get overwhelmed by too much which slows my pace down considerably. I’m also a bit distant and do shut down on occasion; that’s usually no fault of my partners, though. Just my brain being a dick.

DO YOU RP SMUT?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (the closer we are OOC, the easier getting here will be)

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. (it’s not going to be XXX but it will be descriptive)

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN, FADE TO BLACK?: YES / NO.

WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: I prefer to write smut for character development and to mark a progression in a relationship. Plus Cullen is not a “one and done” guy so getting to the smut stage will take a bit of build-up.

ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?: Hmmm things that he personally wouldn’t go for I guess? Honestly I don’t know. And obviously, no rape/animal abuse/predator nonsense.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?: YES / NO Ships are a great way to further explore a character and their motivations. People do not exist in pure isolation, so I don’t believe characters should, either.

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. I bolded both because the focus of the blog isn’t ships, but this thirst trap guy is really easy to ship with other people I tell ya hwat. I am severely picky with romantic ships for Reasons, but I don’t eschew any other types of ships. I encourage them!

DO YOU USE READ MORE?: YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU: MULTI-SHIP / SINGLE-SHIP / DUAL-SHIP — MULTIVERSE / SINGLEVERSE.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: Characters who challenge Cullen into revising his point of view and force him to be a better person. Also, characters who understand his past and they are in no ways obligated to forgive it, but do recognise that he’s struggling very hard to mend whatever mistakes he can and is willing to pay the price for his decisions.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. - Be a good salesperson and I might buy it.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: Cullen is a massive stick in the mud, which means it’s incredibly easy to taunt him and get him flustered all at the same time. He’s loyal, he’s intelligent, and he’s largely self-aware. He likes swords and using them. Anything your character hates about him, he most likely hates about himself 100 times more.

WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?: Those from the start that show absolutely no interest in speaking with/interacting with him. Mun and muse are going to struggle to stick around. I’m not going to fight for attention and neither is he.

WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, WHAT IS THEIR GOAL?: Redemption. He wants to be a better person and make up for the past as much as he can.

WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?: He can sniff out a fellow Templar a mile away (or several miles, in the case of Samson).

WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?: Honesty, a strong will, devotion (not necessarily to the Maker or the Chantry, but to a just cause that focuses on protecting others).

WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?: War stuff, chess, books, trebuchets, dogs.

WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?: Lectures about anything. He did his time in Azkaban in the Circles. No more. Please no more.

DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?: His parents died trying to escape the Blight, he was tortured for weeks/months on end by blood mages, almost all of his friends died because of it, he was manipulated and brainwashed by his superior, he was forced into a near-debilitating substance addiction by his workplace... yeah just a few things.

WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?: Darkspawn and abominations.

IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?: Darkspawn and abominations. Blood mages on principle. Regular mages (but he’s working hard to remedy this extremely bad and prejudiced thinking). Himself.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - BEST WAY TO APPROACH THEM?: Just be polite and he won’t turn you away. He’s guarded, yes, but not impossible to talk to.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: You’ll find out by writing together! ;D

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

tagged by: pirated tagging: anyone who actually read this

#a quiet inquiry (memes)#// long post #// very long post

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erekiosuncreativeideas · 5 years ago

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Reliving An Old Nightmare - Chapter 9

<= Chapter 8

Summary : Snatcher learns more about his current situation, featuring an insolent brat. Also available on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/22337299/chapters/54869914

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Hello! Here's the ninth chapter! First of all, a huge "thank you" to Krekka01, who corrected it!

I hope you'll like it, and I can't wait to publish the next chapter already! (I still have to write it first, ahaha)

Happy reading!

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Chapter 9:

Snatcher had always found teleportation to be one of the easiest ways of moving around his forest. It had been one of his many powers as a ghost, though he had had to eat a few dozen souls before he could use it; however, teleporting as a human, using the kid’s alien technology, was very much different. First, it wasn’t as “fast” as his own method, since he had the time to feel his body moving very quickly in an empty space, yet without the usual draft caused by the movement. Second… it was an extremely awful sensation, contrary to his own teleportation technique.

As soon as the transportation ended, his body violently hit the floor, leaving him lying down on something soft, eyes shut. His mind was hazy from the sudden shock while a wave of pain engulfed him. Why did he have to suffer so much? Hadn’t he had enough already? With his injured hand and legs, it was-

The spirit stopped thinking immediately as a horrible thought came to his mind: he couldn’t feel his legs anymore!

-“Snatcher!” The child’s voice broke the silence and helped him to clear his fuzzy consciousness. Alarmed by his lack of sensations in his lower half, the shade slowly opened his eyes. A groan left his lips; he felt like someone was hammering his brain, again and again and again. His vision was blurry and the room was dark, yet he could still perceive the brat’s silhouette next to him.

-“Snatcher, are you okay?” she asked again, in a much more anxious tone. Her loud voice intensified his headache and he raised his right hand to silence her.

-“Yeah, yeah, shut up, I’m still alive...” He managed to keep an “unfortunately” to himself, even if it would have been pretty funny to say, considering his own situation. However, his entire body froze as he caught sight of his hand. It was purple… Just like his old one, the one he used to have when he was dead.

Ignoring the sharp pain, he straightened up and took a better look at himself: he was no longer in his old human body! He lowered his head; no wonder he couldn’t feel his legs anymore! He didn’t have any at the moment! Just the old purple tail, like usual.

The spirit couldn’t help but laugh at the thought: as if things had been usual lately! But, finally, he was back in his old spectral form.

-“Oh, thank God,” he said, both groaning and sighing at the same time, more than relieved. He tried to float again, moving his tail at the same time but stopped immediately when he felt something unpleasant. It… hurt.

“What the…?” he thought, confused. He tried to move his tail again, only to wince when the pain increased from the movement. Ghosts weren’t supposed to feel pain! Yet, here he was, clenching his spectral teeth. What was happening? Next to him, the kid was watching him silently, probably oblivious to what was going on in his mind. But then, his vision cleared up.

They were in the child’s spaceship, in the main room more precisely. The room was dark, only illuminated by a single screen. Now that he had regained his spectral body, he could see things perfectly, even in a poorly lit room. The ghost examined his surroundings: the floor was covered in shards, all coming from broken screens. When he first came into her spaceship (back when he made her sign the death wish contracts), he had always seen them on, showing things in a language he couldn’t understand. Now, they were all broken, except for one of them, which was the only thing preventing the room from being pitch-black. But the screens weren’t the only damaged things. Most of the glass balls on the mezzanine were shattered as well, and the green ladder had fallen to the floor. The doors were off, not displaying the usual lit drawings. The instrument panel was damaged, too, and one of its pipes had detached from it, hanging on the side from where it was supposed to fit. All the indicator lights were off, just like the panel in itself, more generally. A burnt smell emanated from it, a clear indicator of it malfunctioning.

And regarding what was outside of the spaceship… it was only a pure black void, nothing like the space he had been able to see through the window pane before. There were no more stars, no more visible planets… Just nothing. Snatcher couldn’t help but feel intimidated by it.

-“Hey, kid,” he started, still looking around them, “you threw a party here or what?”

The child snorted, while her face softened, leaving most of her worry behind.

-“Pff, no,” she replied with a small laugh, before continuing with a more serious tone. “Well, it’s because of the Time Rift. This one is much more powerful than the usual ones, and it’s a little too powerful for my ship.”

The ghost turned to the girl, staring at her with a perplexed look.

-“What do you mean ‘it’s too powerful’?”

-“Well…” Her eyes fell to the ground as a wince appeared on her face. It was enough to tell Snatcher that whatever she was going to say wouldn’t be good for both of them.

-“Remember when I told you someone had used a Time Piece to create this pocket dimension? Well, it’s not supposed to happen. There have been theories about that, back on my home planet, but no one had ever actually managed to create anything like this. My ship isn’t made for that kind of situation.” She pointed to the broken control panel and continued. “I was in space when it happened. I was able to enter the Void before the Rift closed itself, but not without breaking things in the process.”

It was a little too complicated for the spirit to understand. While he could learn and recite entire law books, this was a bit too abstract for him. He had been stuck for years in his forest, far from any technologies other than what he had seen from his victims. It was no wonder he had trouble understanding what she was saying, even though he could grasp the main ideas most of the time.

-“So…” he replied, gesturing to the window, “The Void? That’s where we are?”

-“Yeah. It’s a little hard to explain, but…” She was about to continue but interrupted herself as she seemed to realize something. “Wait, what about your hand?”

The ghost simply laughed at her.

-“Kiddo, I’m a ghost again. Spirits can’t be hurt,” he said, omitting an “only in very specific situations”.

-“Are you sure?” The ghost didn’t get the time to answer as she came closer and took his left hand in hers to examine it. In any other situation, Snatcher would have smacked her hands away, telling her that she must be dense to insist that much; however, as soon as the child touched his hand, a pained cry escaped his ghostly lips.

-“Ouch! Ouch, ouch!” The brat lifted her head to look at him, surprised by his reaction. But the shade was even more shocked than she was.

Ghosts weren’t supposed to feel pain. And that’s when Snatcher realized that he had been able to feel the softness of the floor, to smell the burnt scent of the damaged control panel. He shouldn’t have been able to. Dead people lost their senses of smell and touch. So, if he was back in his old body, why did he still feel them? Why did he feel pain in his non-existent legs and in his spectral hand? This didn’t make any sense!

-“I thought ghosts didn’t feel pain?” retorted the little girl with a cheeky smile.

-“Oh shut up, will you!” He took his hand back, inspecting it. Just like his human hand, there were red stripes, and his purple skin was bluer than usual. The shade had never seen anything like that, in both his life and afterlife. This wasn’t good. Spirits weren’t supposed to be affected by such injuries. Was his spectral body still linked to his human one? He couldn’t see any other explanation, yet it didn’t make much sense either. Why would his bodies be linked to each other? The ghost had no idea what to think at this point. Time travel had never been something he was good at and it was much worse when it came to space-related subjects.

-“For starters, why am I back in my old body? Aren’t we still in the Time Rift?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

-“It’s…” She grimaced, trying to look for words. “Let’s take care of your hand first, I’ll explain after that.”Snatcher scoffed at her :

-“Take care of my hand? Kid, I’m dead. What exactly do you want to cure?” His tone must have been a little too sarcastic to the hat-wearing brat, as she pressed his hand back into hers, causing the shade to freeze instantly, clenching his teeth not to let any sound come out. He glared at her, though it did little to intimidate her, as she just smiled innocently.

-“You brat…” he grumbled, before giving up, too tired of everything to fight back. “Okay, fine, let’s take care of a hand that shouldn’t need it!”

The kid smiled at him even more and let go of his left hand.

-“Great! Come with me to the kitchen!”

The ghost lowered his eyes to the broken ladder beside them. How was she going to get up there if there was nothing to-

He didn’t get the time to finish that thought as the kid gathered speed and rushed forward. She jumped on the wall and caught the ledge of the mezzanine as if it was nothing. Right, she could do that. How could he have forgotten about her weird abilities? She sure was a strange kid, though he supposed he prefered that rather than a crying and useless one.The little girl turned back to him, gesturing him to follow her:

-“What are you waiting for?”

The ghost simply rolled his eyes and let his body leave the ground, floating higher and higher. The pain intensified in the meantime, but he did his best to ignore it, let alone show it at all. He had had enough of people pitying him like the dumb prince he used to be. It didn’t take him very long to join the kid on top of the mezzanine. She then opened the kitchen door and shifted on the side to let him enter. The room was dark and it was even messier than the last time he had been there. Usually, plates lied around, barely cleaned up. The sink was always full of dishes and the fridge wasn’t even properly closed! But now… plates were shattered on the floor, the contents of all the kitchen cupboards were splattered everywhere, the paintings had all fallen to the floor, and the fridge was completely open. All the lights in the room were off, and the shade could see the broken glass of lamps on the floor. His own face was the only source of light in this pitch-black room.

-“I know you have a problem with cleaning, kiddo,”Snatcher remarked, “but it really seems like a hurricane hit your spaceship.”

-“You’re not very far from the truth, honestly,” Hat Kid replied, smiling sheepishly. “When my ship entered the Void, it was pretty… intense. It shook everything up.”

-“Again with that ‘Void’ thingy?”

-“I’ll explain, I promise! Just…” She took his injured hand again, though much more gently than before. “Come here.”

The hat-wearing brat led him to a wooden crate, one that was in the same place the last time he could remember. She let go of his hand once again, and ran to the sink, trying to open the tap. However, she facepalmed when no water came out of it.

-“Ugh, of course, no power, no water!” Her frustration made Snatcher smile; seeing that was the best thing happening in his day so far. Though, said frustration didn’t linger long on her face, as she seemed to have an illumination. She clapped her hands together and started to look for something in the cupboards, throwing behind her whatever didn’t correspond to what she was searching for. The ghost almost got hit, but quickly avoided the object that was thrown at him. He was about to complain about that but he was cut short as the kid brandished something proudly.

-“Ah-ha!”

It was a bottle of water. The ghost’s confusion increased even more.

-“Uh… You know I don’t need to drink or eat in that form, right?” he questionned, wondering if the child had gone even stupider in the last few minutes passed in his company. She ignored him and picked up something that was lying in one of the corners of the room: a saucepan. The proud look on her face intensified and she smiled even more as she fiercely put the pan on the crate. The shade was just staring at her, trying to understand what she was trying to do, in vain. It was only when the girl filled the saucepan with water that she facepalmed herself once again, this time with both hands, groaning lengthily.

-“What now?” Snatcher couldn’t help but feel more and more annoyed with the present situation. He crossed his arms, careful not to touch the injured part of his left hand.

The girl lowered her hands, looking at him with eyes suddenly full of inspiration.

-“Wait, do you still have your powers by any chance?” she asked.

-“Uh…” That was a very good question, one which he didn’t know the answer yet. “What for?”

The little girl pointed to the saucepan filled with water.

-“If we want to cure your frostbite, or at least make it less painful for you, we have to put your hand in warm water. But since my spaceship has not much power left, I can’t heat up the water. So… I was wondering if you could do that with your powers?”

That… did make sense. Or, at least it did in that extreme nonsense that was their whole situation. He shrugged; he could still try. Though, he couldn’t help but feel a bit anxious; he could feel and smell things, even though he shouldn’t be. What if he still didn’t have his powers? He could float around like before, yes, but that didn’t mean anything. At this point, it was hard to be surprised.

-“I guess?” he answered, unsure.The kid took the saucepan and held it up for him to place his uninjured hand underneath. The shade closed his eyes and tried to produce a little flame. It was one of the easiest things he could do usually, so if he couldn’t do that now… that meant he would truly be defenseless. He tried to focus as much as possible, searching for any source of power still left inside of him. Just when he was about to think there was none left, he felt something. There were still some traces inside. He felt his hand heating up and he reopened his eyes. The room was now illuminated by a purple flame, right between his hand and the saucepan. The kid was staring at it with admiration, before lifting her eyes to meet his.

-“You still have them!” the girl cried out. “That’s amazing!”

The spirit scoffed, looking elsewhere. He wasn’t used to be flattered, and he could feel a mix of unease and pride developing inside of him.

-“Pff, you find that amazing? Wait until we fight again, then you’ll be impressed.”

The little girl giggled,and soon, silence fell between them. A few minutes passed, during which the kid dipped the tip of her fingers in the water to check the temperature. After a while, she nodded and put the saucepan back on the crate, careful not to spill anything.

-“It shouldn’t be too warm. Put your hand inside, I’ll get paper and pencils in the meantime.”

Paper and pencils? What for? As if it was the time for colouring! The hat-wearing kid seemed to see his confusion, however, and added:

-“It’ll make things easier to understand. I mean, I could explain what’s happening in details if you want, but it’s going to be pretty complicated.”

The ghost rolled his eyes, more than exasperated. Well, she was right; all that time travel stuff was too abstract for him to understand, so he supposed that her idea wasn’t as stupid as he first thought.

-“Yeah, okay. Go fetch for your colouring book or whatever.”

The girl then left the room, not before promising to be back as soon as she found them. The shade wondered if she would be able to find them, considering there was no light in the ship, except for that screen in the main room. He supposed there had to be some power left to charge it, but then again, it was something he wasn’t familiar with.

Now left alone with his thoughts, he let his mind wander as his eyes examined the room once again. Even when it was less… messy, he couldn’t help but wonder how the child had managed to survive until now. Every time he had come to her spaceship, he had always thought that if he wasn’t the one to kill her, she would die on her own by her negligence; however, the kid was still very much alive at the moment. Snatcher guessed that she probably had more than one trick up her sleeve. He really hoped that it would be the same for the situation they were in, because they surely needed it. At least, the ghost was back in his spectral form, which made him feel much, much better. In his human body, everything was so foreign, so weird. Now, even if he still felt sensations, he felt much more comfortable. Another good thing was that he still didn’t feel his “afterlife coldness”. After his death, he had always felt cold. When people died, they kept feeling things related to the way they perished, and Snatcher was no exception. Though, at the moment, he felt nothing like that in particular, which was quite a relief. It only reminded him of that moment, spent alone for days, months, years, he didn’t know.

He shook his head. There was no use in thinking about it now. He tried to focus on the warmness around his left hand. At least that was pleasant. He closed his eyes, letting his consciousness rest for a while. It was the first time in days that he could truly rest, and he would be lying if he said that it didn’t feel good. He really needed this.

It continued for a few minutes and then he heard quick footsteps coming in his direction. Snatcher reopened his tired eyes. Well, on the bright side, he did get at least one chance to rest, which was still something.

The door opened abruptly, as the child ran into the room, joining Snatcher as fast as she came in. She was holding something in her arms and put it down violently next to the saucepan, making the crate shake by the sudden shock.

-“Now we can talk!” she said, out of breath, probably because she rushed to come back. She spread out what she had just brought: coloured pencils and white sheets of paper. She then picked something up from the floor, handing it to Snatcher: candles. He lit them up and the kid placed them next to the sheetsSnatcher let out a sarcastic laugh once everything was set up.

-“Well, finally. So, this ‘Void’ thing you keep talking about, what is it?” he asked, leaning against the crate, as the brat took a light blue pencil in her hand. She put the nib down and started to draw, forming a circle on the surface.

-“This is where we are,” she said, writing something in the centre of the circle, in a language Snatcher was unable to read.

-“You know I can’t read what you just wrote, right?” It took several seconds before the kid frowned, realizing her own mistake. She then handed him her pencil.

-“I can’t write in your language. I can only speak it. Write the translation underneath, it says ‘Time Rift’.”

Snatcher stared at the pencil for a while, frowning as well before a scoff left his lips.

-“Kid, I’m left-handed,” he retorted in a mocking laugh, nodding to his hand underwater as he spoke. The kid closed her eyes and took a deep breath, now frustrated again. The ghost grinned at her, enjoying her distress. However, his fun ended when the kid handed the pencil back to him, insisting:

-“Well, try and become right-handed for a few minutes, because I really can’t write as you do.”

Both glared at each other, as a dominance fight started again between them. Unfortunately, Snatcher was still too tired to resist, and eventually took the pencil in his right hand. The object felt foreign in his hand as he tried to find a good posture.

-“One day, I will kill you,” he promised, mumbling in a low tone.

-“I know, I know, you’re my BFF too,” she simply answered, completely unaffected by his threatening promise. The shade put his wrist down on the crate and tried to write what she had just told him, right under what she wrote earlier. The nib shook a bit too much as he did so, since the action as more than weird to him. He still managed to form the words and handed the pencil back to his contractor, not without showing his discontentment, which was fully ignored.

They repeated this process for a few minutes. The kid added a purple circle, which she labelled “Master Timeline”, and wrote “Void” between the two circles. She then linked the two circles by two arrows, one yellow and one red, and added a crude drawing of a Time Piece next to them.

-“There!” said the little girl triumphantly.

The spirit only looked at the drawing with a frown on his face. He didn’t understand a single thing in this diagram.

-“So… do you mind telling me what I’m looking at, exactly?” the shade requested, irate.

-“Do you mind being patient for once?” she retorted, more and more annoyed with him.

She sighed and placed the tip on her pink pencil in the “Master Timeline” circle and started to explain, in a much more serious tone:

-“This is where we were when it happened. It’s the world as we know it, or at least the main reality we were in.”

-“Wait, there are other realities?” asked the ghost in bewilderment.

-“It’s a whole new subject, but yeah. It’s not important for our situation, though. What matters is that someone used a Time Piece to create a new dimension,” she continued, passing the pencil over the yellow arrow several times. “This dimension took the form of a Time Rift, the one you were teleported in. And the reason you’re back as a ghost now is because we’re not inside of it anymore. Following everything so far?”

The shade nodded, doing his best to understand what she was saying. He had to admit that the drawing did help him to grasp the explanations. The hat-wearing girl spoke again, this time pointing the “Void” with the nib of the pencil:

-“Now, you have to imagine that those two dimensions, ours and this one, are parallel to each other. And you have this ‘gap’ between them, as if they were two different things, far, very far from each other. Okay?”

-“And that space in the middle is the ‘Void’”?

-“Yep. It’s like very big and very small at the same time. The laws of physics don’t apply there, so you could make several steps and have moved forward by a mile, just like you could walk for hours for nothing. It’s very different than what we’re used to in our own dimension. But it’s only theories, as the Void would kill anyone spending more than one second inside without protection.”

Snatcher squinted. This was a bit too abstract for him, though he supposed that it wasn’t too important at the moment.

-“The Void is the empty space between all Time Rifts and all realities. Usually, my ship uses… warps in the Void to enter Time Rifts, because it’s way less risky that way. As I said, the laws of physics don’t apply there, and my ship isn’t made to resist those distortions very long, especially when they’re too different from our laws. So it’s better to find passages that are similar to our own reality, so my ship can handle the trip safely. But…” she gestured to the room with a sad look on her face. “As it was an emergency, I had to enter the Void as fast as possible. As you can see, it wasn’t without consequences.”

-“Wouldn’t it have been better to wait for those ‘warps’ you told me about? I mean, if just entering this void-y place caused so many problems for your spaceship…”

-“Well…” Her eyes fell to the floor as she continued. “That would have been the smartest choice, yes. But time isn’t consistent between all dimensions. One second can correspond to a year in another reality, and… we kind of have a countdown problem, too.”

The spirit felt his fear coming back to life, as he saw the child avoiding his eyes, with a worried expression painted on her features.

-“What do you mean by ‘countdown’?” he asked, already afraid of the answer.

The brat remained silent for a few seconds as if she was trying to gather the courage to speak again. Eventually, she pointed out the “Time Rift” circle once again.

-“There are two kinds of Time Rifts. Most of them are stable and don’t cause too many problems. Others, not so much. This one is part of the unstable ones. And…”

-“And?”

She was definitely uncomfortable, and Snatcher’s insistent question surely didn’t help. But, when she found the courage to talk again, Snatcher felt his non-existent heart stop beating and sink into his chest.

-“All unstable Time Rifts are bound to implode after a few days, at least in best-case scenarios. This one is no exception. We have four to five days until the Time Rift collapses, taking everything inside it in the process. The thing is… I can’t fix my ship fast enough. There’s too much damage, and even if we’re not killed by the Rift collapsing, the oxygen reserves of the ship won’t hold very long after that. Though I guess it’s more my problem than yours, since that… you’re already dead, you know.”

Snatcher’s body froze as he tried to process everything, one fact after the other. A feeling of dread settled over him as he slowly realized what the kid was saying.

-“You mean… That we’re stuck here no matter what?” he asked quietly, not wanting to believe that everything was vain from the start. It couldn’t be!

And all that because his ex wanted to live in the past again?! She had just doomed all of them!He was interrupted in his train of thoughts as the kid replied to his question.

-“There is another way out of here.”Those words were enough to catch the ghost’s interest right away, as he straightened up immediately.

-“What is it?”If he had thought the kid was uncomfortable before, now it was very much different. She didn’t seem to know what to do with herself, as she hunched her shoulders, looking everywhere but where Snatcher was. She knew something and it was bad. Even the stupidest person in the world could see that. But what could be worse than either dying with a whole dimension or remain alone in a spaceship with a little girl’s corpse for eternity? Though, the latter would be very appealing in any other situation.

-“What. Is. It?” he pressed, looming over a small body in a way he hoped threatening, even though he knew better.

She took a deep breath and replied quietly.

-“We have to find the Time Piece used to create this dimension. It’s the only way to reverse everything. That’s why I was searching for time anomalies in the first place; since it’s not supposed to be here, anomalies tend to appear near it.”

The ghost felt like this solution was nothing compared to what she had just told him before. That was all they had to do? Piece of cake! However, the look on her face told him there was much to this story than just finding the Time Piece. And, after thinking about it a little, he quickly understood why she was making such a face.

-“Oh God. It’s in there, isn’t it?” he asked with a groan.

The child nodded silently, understanding instantly that he was talking about Subcon Manor.

-“I knew it!” He hit the crate with his fist, pure rage engulfing him entirely: “It’s her, I knew it could only be her!”He clenched his spectral teeth, wanting nothing more than to kill something at the moment. He felt the water heating up around his hand, only to realize he was the one warming it up in the first place. Reluctantly, the spirit tried to calm himself; he didn’t want to burn his own hand since it would probably be affected by it in his physical state. His own magic wouldn’t burn him, but boiling water would.

The hat-wearing brat shook her head.

-“I don’t think Vanessa is the one who used the Time Piece,” she affirmed, yet in an unsure tone, probably more because she feared Snatcher’s reaction to her claims.Said reaction came almost instantly:

-“Are you kidding me?! Of course she did! She’s the only person who could want to use it!”

-“No, what I mean is… I don’t think she even has the knowledge to use it to create a whole dimension. No one on my planet did, and yet we do know how Time Pieces work.”

The shade stopped moving. A feeling of anxiousness settled over him, as he started to understand what his contractor was implying. He stared at her, both bewildered and confused, as he rephrased her assumptions:

-“So you think… someone else is behind all of this?” he questionned, gesturing to everything around them. The little girl shook her head once again, and continued, in the most serious tone the ghost had heard coming from her:

-“I do think she is involved… but I also think she’s not the mastermind in what’s happening.”

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Hehehe, sorry, I ended the chapter on a cliffhanger again! I hope you're still interested in this story! I can't wait to see your theories about the next chapters.

Until then, see you and take care! :)

=> Chapter 10

#A Hat In Time #Reliving An Old Nightmare #RAON #snatcher #hat kid #fanfiction #my art

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btsybrkr · 5 years ago

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Please Come Dine With Me

In today’s world of Netflix originals, glossy reality series and big budget drama, it’s easy to forget about TV’s old reliables. You know, the programmes with nothing to say, but so much to give. They’re the television equivalent of an ex that you can’t help but miss, despite having brought absolutely nothing to each other’s lives. The absolute king of this brand of TV can only be Come Dine With Me, the dinner party contest that began broadcasting in 1892 and has been playing simultaneously, on all 26 branches of Channel 4, at every hour of every day ever since. Seriously, flick through the channels, I can almost guarantee it’s on right now.

Come Dine With Me, now in its 37th series (I’m actually not making that bit up), must unironically be one of the best things to ever air in this country. During a casual viewing, it seems that nothing much happens, but a quick Google search unearths an absolute goldmine of unforgettable moments. Some have already been cemented into pop culture history, destined to be repeated on ‘100 Greatest...’ clip shows until the sun swallows the Earth whole - like the man who decided to sample a sauce he was making by nonchalantly shoving the whole whisk into his mouth, or sore loser Peter Marsh’s ‘you won, Jane’ speech, which is, in my opinion, a hundred times more brutal than anything Ricky Gervais could or would ever come out with whilst presenting an awards ceremony. Others are unfortunately never spoken about, but remain a vivid memory in the consciousness of the lucky viewers who caught them, such as the moment a particularly eccentric contestant, known only as DJ Dom, drafted in indie musician Badly Drawn Boy to help him cook for his ‘Madchester’ themed dinner party, before telling the viewers “All done, just got to go and change me kecks!” and coming back downstairs in the exact same outfit, right down to the bucket hat. Or the iconic Preston week from series 7, in which we were introduced to so-posh-it-hurts Valerie Holliday, whose pronunciation of the word ‘pheasant’ (or fezzaaaunt, as she might say) is superglued to the insides of my brain, where it will stay for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, had the ‘who would be invited to your dream dinner party?’ conversation with our friends or family, but what we should really be asking each other is “who would be on your dream episode of Come Dine With Me?”. If you think about it, they’re two very different questions, with very different answers. Of course, I’d love the chance to sit and speak with Tom Hanks, Mac Demarco and Phoebe Waller-Bridge over a glass of wine and a really good burger, but do I think it would make entertaining TV? Well, yeah, probably. But not on Come Dine With Me. That’s a horse of a very different colour.

Anyway, here’s what my dream episode of Come Dine With Me might look like. Narrated in your brain by Dave Lamb, probably.

Today, we’re in Blackpool, where our first contestant, 23-year-old chronic timewaster Betsy (that’s me!), is gearing up to host the opening night of the week, and we’re sure it’s going to be an absolute belter. Let’s see what her fellow dinner party guests make of the menu.

“A cheeseboard? As a starter? What’s that about?”, asks living soundbite and reality TV icon, Gemma Collins. She’s unimpressed with the menu, largely on the basis that it pales in comparison to the sort of luxury she’s used to, such as the gourmet camel penis she could have been tucking into on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! In 2014, had she not packed it in after three days. Actually, I think the celebrity version of Come Dine With Me might be the only reality programme that Gemma Collins is yet to appear in. Maybe we should be writing to the powers-that-be at Channel 4 and getting them to sort that out, since I’ll surely be making a strong case for her appearance here. Anyway, who’s next?

Our third contestant is equally disappointed with the offerings. “I don’t fuck with stilton”, states the self-proclaimed second coming of Jesus, Kanye West. Yes, he’s an odd choice for a daytime cookery/popularity contest, especially since I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t cook for himself under any circumstances, and is probably only popular among people who’ve never had to try and sit through an actual conversation with him, but who cares? Kanye does what Kanye wants. And if Kanye wants to appear on Come Dine With Me, then that’s his business, and he’ll shit in the Yeezys of anybody who disagrees. Or pay someone else to do it for him, obviously. Anyway, onto contestant number four, who can surely only be disappointing after that… can’t they?

Of course not!! Contestant number four is TV’s shouty queen-of-clean Kim Woodburn, who is really excited to get her teeth into some red hot beef. Not the food kind, either. The kind of beef she dished out to Philip Schofield, while he was asking her questions about the beef she dished out in her fondly-remembered ‘chicken-livered bunch’ rant from Celebrity Big Brother. She’ll be glad to know I’m not serving any chicken livers at my dinner party, I’m sure. Not that she’ll be particularly enamoured with my cooking skills overall.

“It all looks terribly common, darling”, she says, as she holds the menu in one Marigold-wearing hand, and a glass of an expensive gin in the other. Suit yourself, then, Kim.

Contestant number five hasn’t bothered to read the menu yet, but that’s because he’s been busy begging the Channel 4 producers on set for another series of Deal Or No Deal now that his hefty I’m A Celebrity paycheck is all but gone. Yes, it’s Noel Edmonds, TV’s favourite bearded arsehole. After Alan Sugar, of course, but I’ve already written a bit about him on here, so there’d be no point in putting him in this one as well. You know, someone I knew a few years back once told me that Noel Edmonds did a guest lecture at his university, in which he offered some lucky students the chance to spend their summer doing a couple of months unpaid work experience on his radio show. Imagine that! Spending day-in-day-out with Noel Edmonds, without even a penny in compensation. I know they say ‘life’s not fair’, but that really would be pushing it.

Anyway, that’s everyone, and as I anxiously pour boiling water into five chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles, my all-star dinner guests begin to arrive. First at the doorstep is Kim, who I greet with open arms.

“Wonderful to meet you, luvvie”, she says. The worried glance she gives the camera afterwards tells me otherwise. Perhaps she’s unimpressed by my unshiny door handle. That’s not a euphemism.

Gemma and Noel arrive soon afterwards, both carrying bottles of champagne that I couldn’t possibly ever afford myself. They’re not to share, of course, they were bought in anticipation that the wine I’m providing wouldn’t be up to standard, which it is, because I’m serving all my courses with a glass of Summer Berries Echo Falls. It’s £5.99 a bottle and gets you absolutely Bankered.

We mingle in the living room, eagerly anticipating the arrival of my final guest. Just as Gemma, Kim and Noel begin bonding over the trials of being paid many thousands of pounds to sit around and simply exist for the viewing pleasures of mere mortals like myself, Kanye West teleports himself into the room, in a futuristic flash of lightning and to the tune of his 2010 hit Power, blowing a massive hole into the entire left side of my house in the process. It’s true what he says, you know - the man really is a genius.

We take our seats at the dinner table, as soon as the rest of my guests are done with the obligatory search through my knicker drawer (cue a comeback for Kim’s famous How Clean Is Your House? catchphrase, “Oh, you dirty devil!”) that happens on every edition of Come Dine With Me. You know, despite everything else on the programme, that’s the one bit of it that I’ve never really understood. Every single one of the show’s 1,647 episodes includes a bizarre sequence in which the contestants go running around the host’s home, rifling through their personal belongings and mocking them for the cameras. I’m sure the point of it is supposed to be to give the guests a chance to ‘get to know’ the host, but then I’d have thought that spending five nights eating and chatting with them would be a fairly effective way of doing that. Besides, can you imagine catching your guests doing that in real life? I wouldn’t be sitting them down for a meal and rating them for a chance to win £1,000, I’d be throwing them out, maybe even calling the police, depending on what exactly they were doing with the belongings in question. Not that I have time to think about that right now, I’ve got a cheeseboard to prepare!

First topic of conversation is, of course, TV, and as we tuck into our Ritz biscuits and Tesco Value mature cheddar, Noel gives us his opinion.

“My main issue with television these days is that I’m just not on it enough.” A valid viewpoint. We take a moment to collectively long for the days of Noel’s HQ, a drunken nightmare that was somehow harnessed and broadcast to the masses by Sky1, way back in 2008. Noel’s HQ has been mostly lost to time, except for the presence of a video on YouTube entitled ‘Noel Edmonds speaks with passion’, which is well worth a watch if, like me, you enjoy four minute long videos of TV presenters struggling to stifle their own belief that they might just be The Best Person Ever. There’s a great bit in it where he angrily declares to his delighted audience, “I don’t get paid a penny for doing this show”. Noel, I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you for your sacrifice.

Speaking of The Best Person Ever, Kanye is noticeably quiet. But then, Kanye isn’t here to share his views. Kanye isn’t particularly here to do anything. Kanye is simply here to observe - to greet his subjects, and work out what makes them tick. Kanye can sense our excitement to be sat in his presence, and Kanye enjoys this. It feeds Kanye. Far more than my meager dinner offerings ever could.

I press Gemma for her own opinions on TV, as someone who is literally always on it. Gemma Collins gets where Domestos can’t. It may sound like I’m being flippant, but in all honesty, I love Gemma Collins. I’m not even sure why, I just know I do. She’s famous for the sake of being famous, and she’s bloody good at it. She’s also quite possibly the most quotable public figure since Shakespeare himself. Maybe even more than Shakespeare. Think about it. What inspires you more? “To be or not to be?”, like anyone knows what that actually means, or “Nah, fuck this, I’m out of here. Get that fire exit door. Am off.”, a poetic sentiment, which conveys an emotion we’ve surely all felt at some point in our lives? I know who gets my vote.

Kim misunderstands the question “what do you think of television today?” as “how clean do you think my television is?”, and responds by pulling out a five pack of dusters and a can of Mr Sheen, and getting to work on the flatscreen in the corner of my living room. Oh well, at least all that cleaning will make her hungry in time for the main course. Speaking of which, maybe it’s time I got on with that.

Despite their disappointment with the starters, the main course - Super Noodle sandwiches, with a generous side-helping of curly fries - appears to delight all my guests, except Kim, who mutters under her breath that it all seems very tacky. I won’t let it get me down. It’s my heartfelt belief that anything can be a sandwich filling if you’re brave enough, and my other three guests agree with me. Kanye lets out a satisfied ‘hm’. Excellent.

We sit down to dessert, and another glass of Echo Falls. The wine is going down surprisingly well, especially with Kim, who has started subtly rolling her eyes at the conversation between myself and Gemma Collins, who are bonding over how much we love Gemma Collins. Kim purses her lips. Her Spidey-senses are tingling. There’s conflict afoot.

I quiz Noel about an article that I saw in 2015 and have never forgotten. It was featured on The Independent, and was headlined ‘Noel Edmonds says that ‘death doesn’t exist’ and that ‘Electrosmog’ is more deadly than Ebola’. I know that this sounds like something I just came up with, but I regret to tell you that is absolutely something he said. In real life. I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

Noel Edmonds reaffirms this view to me, speaking with the same unnerving passion he did in the YouTube clip I mentioned earlier. I nod politely. I begin to wonder if everyone’s had a little too much Echo Falls, and if I can really handle another four nights with these people. It’s at this moment that, for the first time all night, His Almighty Westness speaks.

“I really feel what you’re saying right now”, he tells Noel. We wait together for the next part of the statement, but it never comes. Kanye West outstretches his arm to Noel Edmonds. They shake hands. None of us can quite believe it. And for a moment, Noel and Kanye are right. It does feel as though death doesn’t exist. Nothing exists outside of this dinner party. Everything that matters is happening around my dining table at this very second.

The silence is broken by Kim Woodburn tutting into a wine glass.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” she drawls, rolling her eyes, “What a load of nonsensical tosh.”

“Excuse me?”, asks Noel, still hand-in-hand with Kanye West, an alliance he is clearly eager to keep going for as long as possible, on the off chance that he fancies funding another series of Noel’s House Party, “I don’t see you bringing anything to the table here, Kim.”

She widens her eyes, taking another generous gulp of Echo Falls - and I know exactly what she’s about to bring to the table. A big old fight.

Gemma Collins throws in her two cents.

“I think we should all calm down a little bit, d’ya know what I mean? I’m having a lovely meal at a fan’s house, I can’t be arsed with an argument.” Wise words, as always, Gemma. Wise words.

It all kicks off.

“You can be quiet, you talentless, orange foghorn!”, sneers Kim, “You’ve contributed nothing to the conversation this evening, other than talking about yourself.”

Gemma’s eyes seem to cloud over with anger, as her complexion quickly transitions from Dulux shade Tangerine Twist to Cranberry Crunch. She knocks the rest of her wine back. Everything goes quiet again for a moment, as Noel, Kanye and I watch the two TV divas stare at each other. It’s like a scene from an old Western, but with diamonds and veneers.

With a violent roar, she launches herself across the table, grabbing Kim by her fake ponytail. I jump up to hold her back, as Kanye leaps from his seat to hold Kim from Gemma. There’s a mad blur of acrylic nails and tufts of bleach blonde hair flying between them, some of it landing into the banoffee pie I had worked so hard on. Noel stands back, arms folded, watching the action in dismay. If you could see the whole picture, it might resemble a renaissance painting, the sort that could be hung in a gallery anywhere in the world and analysed for it’s artistic importance. ‘Nous aimons le boeuf’, it might be called. French for ‘we love the beef’. Doesn’t really matter it means, though, to be fair, as long as it sounds clever and artsy.

Noel shakes his head.

“What the hell am I doing here?”, he asks, frustrated, “I’m a huge TV star.”

Security eventually intervene, somewhat reluctantly, given the fact this is the most action they’ve seen on a shoot for Come Dine With Me, possibly ever. Producers watch back the footage of the fight on an iPad, sat on my sofa, attempting to mask their delight at what they’d caught on camera.

Kanye eventually stands up, soberly taking in the scene in front of him. Is this how Jay-Z felt as he left the elavator?, he wonders.

“I’m gonna take off”, he informs everyone, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room in the aftermath. But before he can teleport out of the room again, possibly blowing a hole in the other side of my house, the producer speaks up.

“Same time tomorrow? It’s Gemma’s night.”

Four more nights of this… four more nights, all for the chance to win £1,000… is it worth it?

Of course it is. It was a blast. Same time tomorrow, indeed.

To see some highlights from the iconic Preston week of Come Dine With Me, click here. To see Noel Edmonds speak with passion, click here. To follow me on twitter, click here, or here for instagram :)

#come dine with me #celebrity big brother #big brother #gemma collins #i’m a celebrity #comedy #tv review #reality tv #blogger #ukblogger #comedy writing

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amazingviralinfo · 7 years ago

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The film and TV industries go to extreme lengths to protect the details of their stories, from shoving NDAs up everyone's ass to literally locking scenes inside vaults. So it's hilarious when their biggest plot twists are revealed not by master hackers or corporate spies, but by random jackasses making off-the-cuff jokes. But how often could that happen? All the time, it turns out ...

WARNING: This is an article about plot twists. Expect some!

Fans Joke About Hodor, Spoil A Major Game Of Thrones Twist Years In Advance

There have been a lot of shocking twists throughout the course of Game Of Thrones; from the Red Wedding stabbings, to Jon Snow getting stabbed a bunch of times, to the stabbing of- You know what, they're mostly stabbings. One twist no one could have seen coming (because the books haven't even gotten to that part yet) had to do with Hodor, the loveable manservant who serves as young Bran Stark's personal piggyback service.

HBO Apparently, the people in Westeros are too busy sword-fighting and getting naked to invent the goddamn wheelchair.

But why is his name Hodor? Did he have annoying, Gwyneth Paltrow-esque celebrity parents? The answer is far more complicated. Basically, Bran's time-travelling melted poor Hodor's brain -- as his future self is being commanded to "hold the door" to block a horde of White Walkers, his past self starts muttering "Hold the door" over and over, eventually morphing into "Hodor" (a transition that caused headaches for the show's international translators). So, people just started calling him that.

HBO

HBO If the same rule applied to 12-year-old boys in this universe, there'd probably be a hell of a lot more kids named "Boobs Pokemon."

That's a pretty intricate twist, but a few people actually predicted this outcome. How the hell? By doing what we do for a living: making dumb-ass pop culture jokes. Way back in 2008, before the TV show even started, a fan of the books posted this on a message board:

Not all commenters were receptive to the idea:

This poster wasn't the only fan to randomly stumble onto this bad pun, either. Writer Michael A. Ventrella blogged in 2014 about an encounter with GOT creator George R.R. Martin at a convention, where Martin mentioned an interest in being an elevator operator. When Ventrella ran into him again, this happened:

So a terrible pun that people balked at actually became one of the most poignant moments in the show. What we're saying is maybe now's the time for HBO's gritty Bazooka Joe reboot.

Darth Vader's Actor Randomly Guessed He Was Luke's Father

David Prowse was the guy who acted inside of the original Darth Vader suit, and who will one day be wiped from all historical records and replaced with Hayden Christensen. We've talked before about how he publicly spoiled the twist of The Empire Strikes Back years before the movie came out, during a 1978 appearance at Berkeley:

That's not all. He also blabbed to Little Shoppe Of Horrors magazine that same year:

But here's the weird thing: He shouldn't have been able to spoil this, because he didn't know. No one did. This was back around the same time Leigh Brackett was writing the early drafts of Empire, which included scenes where Luke's dad is a decidedly non-evil ghost:

And Vader even refers to Luke's dad in their final confrontation:

A recent documentary focusing on Prowse delves into this mystery, but somehow Prowse doesn't remember blowing the twist. The director literally has to pull up the old newspaper clipping on an iPad and show Prowse that he totally ruined the ending for people. In fact, because the line "I am your father" wasn't even recorded on set, Prowse recalls being surprised by the reveal at the premiere.

The documentarians also interview Gary Kurtz, the producer of A New Hope and Empire, who claims it was just an amazingly lucky guess. So either Prowse's random bullshitting stumbled upon one of the biggest moments in movie history, or George Lucas was pulling story ideas from magazine interviews given by his non-speaking supporting cast.

Similarly soothsaying the future of the franchise was a 1982 Mad Magazine bit about Lucas' Star Wars plans. It was just a bunch of ridiculous jokes -- and in a testament to just how silly the series got, some actually came pretty close to reality. For starters, they predicted 50 percent of Episode II's title:

And that Episode III would feature the Wookiees fighting the Empire:

One prediction jokingly states that Darth Vader is Han Solo's father, which is crazy. It also says that Vader will turn out to be C3PO's dad which is ... no, wait, that's exactly what fucking happened.

Another throwaway joke says that Luke's real father is "The Force" -- which sounds stupid as all hell, until you realize that "The Force" is actually his grandfather. Then it sounds stupider.

Someone Wrote An Erotic Novella About Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston (Before They Actually Dated)

We're switching it up to talk about a real-life twist: the announcement in 2016 that pop-star Taylor Swift was dating actor Tom Hiddleston. You know, the guy who has played Loki so many times he apparently just started wearing the costume in everyday life.

While that bit of news may have caught you off guard, it wouldn't have if you'd read Wildest Dreams -- a 58,000-word piece of erotic fan fiction by online author Jennifer Stanley. Stanley's story imagined a (sexy) world in which Hiddleston and Swift were a couple back in 2014. Before they even met.

That's a pretty random guess. Other than the fact that they often have the same haircut, what do these two celebs have in common? Loki's not even the Marvel villain you'd expect a music superstar to end up with -- young Magneto's handsome as hell, not to mention that pruny hunk Thanos and his blinged-out Michael Jackson glove.

Furthering the theory that Stanley is a god and our entire universe exists only as the backdrop for a sex-filled internet story, she predicted that Hiddleston and Swift would meet at the Met Gala, and, yup, that's what happened. She explains that she guessed that by doing good old-fashioned research and finding out which type of event they'd both be likely to attend -- because how will anyone masturbate to this if it isn't completely realistic?

Of course, a lot of the book is just straight-up celebrity doing it. (If a mustachioed Tom Hanks showed up delivering a pizza it wouldn't feel out of place.) And when Stanley first saw the pictures of the couple at the Met Gala, her first thought was: "Oh my god, what have I done?" Presumably her second thought was "I should never have bought that typewriter at Stephen King's garage sale."

Kevin Smith Called Tim Burton's Planet Of The Apes Ending Years Earlier

We all remember Tim Burton's remake of the classic Planet Of The Apes, the one that scrapped the classic Statue Of Liberty twist, ending instead with the apes and humans putting aside their petty differences to chill out at a suburban mall's Sears Portrait Studio.

Actually, Burton added his own bizarre twist to the movie. After returning to Earth, Marky Mark is shocked to discover that the Lincoln Memorial statue is an ape -- which is a way more dramatic way of revealing this than if Wahlberg simply found a penny on the ground, or rented a DVD of the Daniel Ape Lewis biopic.

It was a startling, utterly unpredictable twist ... unless you were a Kevin Smith fan. A few years earlier, Smith (who, as a reminder, didn't do drugs at this time) released a Jay And Silent Bob comic that riffed on Planet Of The Apes, and there is a strikingly similar image:

At first, Smith seemed to accuse Burton of plagiarism, saying "I think I got robbed and I'm talking with my lawyers about possibly suing." Then, later, he claimed he was only joking -- either because he genuinely was, or because he soon realized no one should want to take credit for that monkey turd of an ending. Burton defensively claimed that he wasn't an avid reader of Jay And Silent Bob comics, and that "anybody that knows me knows I do not read comic books." He's gonna flip his shit when he finds out where Batman came from.

A Random Comedy Sketch Calls The Insane Direction Lost Was Going

Back when Lost was on TV, a good chunk of the internet consisted of just people trying to figure out where the show was going. Amid all that rampant speculation, one sketch troupe actually got one key detail right, but in the most random way possible. The internet comedy group Olde English had a sketch that made the rounds back in 2007 about how ridiculous the Lost writers' room must have been. They're just frantically coming up with ideas like polar bears, four-toed statues, and, say, how about a magic turtle?

The ideas get more and more ludicrous, and that's the joke. However, in throwing out the craziest possible suggestions, they actually anticipated a real storyline. Look at the cue cards on the back wall:

See how two of the cards are about Locke?

They read "Locke Dies" and "Locke Becomes a Zombie" -- which sounded completely ludicrous. Come on, not even this show would go as far as to kill a fan-favorite character and then bring him back to life as some sort of evil force, bent on destruction. Right?

Around the same time this sketch came out, on the Season 3 finale, we saw Jack moping over someone's casket in a funeral parlor. Because this show was infuriating, it took them a whole year to show us who was in the freaking casket: it was fan-favorite Locke! Gasp!

Locke then promptly comes back to life, but with a grumpier, more murder-y attitude. It turns out his dead body had actually been reanimated/possessed by the Smoke Monster -- as in, an evil force, bent on destruction. Maybe if we examine the magic numbers some more, that whole all-powerful top-hatted turtle theory will pan out too.

Austin Powers Had The Exact Same Twist As Spectre, 13 Years Earlier

Spectre is that James Bond movie that works way better if you assume it mostly takes place inside the inane imaginings of 007's lobotomized brain. Otherwise, eh. The movie is packed with twists that don't really add much to Bond's mystique. For instance, there was the reveal that the head of the evil organization Spectre, Franz Oberhauser, was actually ... Ernst Blofeld, who was the head of Spectre in every other James Bond movie! Wait, how was this a twist? The movie was literally called Spectre. That's like trying to make it a surprise that Jim Morrison is a character in The Doors.

Anyway, early in the movie, we see a photo of Bond with his adoptive dad, and another kid whose face has been burned off:

Then, towards the end, Blofeld reveals that it was his father who took Bond in. He was the little boy in the photo ...

... which makes Bond and Blofeld brothers! Bond didn't remember this because, again, martinis.

While that's certainly a shocking development, if you got the sense that it was strangely familiar, you weren't alone. Over a decade earlier, the Bond parody Austin Powers In Goldmember had an extremely similar third-act twist. It ends with Powers' father admitting that Dr. Evil (the blatant Blofeld ripoff character) was actually Austin's brother.

The plot twist actually works better in Goldmember, probably because Michael Caine and Beyonce are there, while the Bond producers apparently wouldn't pony up the cash. Also, Goldmember was just going for a silly ending, not trying to predict where the Bond franchise was actually headed. Still, we can't wait for the sequel where Bond finds out his other brothers are Shrek and the Love Guru.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

For more twists we all should've seen coming, check out The 5 Most Ridiculous Ways Studios Spoiled Their Own Movies and 6 Movie Characters Whose Names Spoiled Huge Plot Twists.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Sherlock Holmes Is Based On A Real Guy (Who Was Even Cooler), and other videos you won't see on the site!

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