#the loneliness that pervades this man has such deep hooks in me

[starlit-seadragon]

Day 10 - Stable (Make-up)

I once read a post analyzing the state of the stables outside the Borel Manor and it has haunted me since (if you know the post, please link me, as I've lost it! Thank you to the person who took the time point it out).

My FFXIV Write masterpost here.

House Borel had but a single manservant remaining in its employ.

Long had he served, and with great pride. Though they were neither as prominent nor influential as the High Houses, the Lord and Lady de Borel had always been good to him.

He remembers parties and dancing, feasts and falconing, sound and light and warmth. The lady at the piano, the lord at the fireplace, cooks and maids and hostlers and errand boys. Music and merriment. The sound of laughter.

A home.

The young lord is not often home as of late. The many, many rooms are dark and the kitchens remain cold. It is not to be unexpected; with the work, his lord is kept busy. The manservant remembers him in his youth, always watching, always working. He used to smile more, but to see him rise to his position despite -- well, *everything* -- has been a point of pride.

And yet... there are times when the stillness is too still, when the nights are too dark, when the cold seeps in too deep. Times where he looks at the chocobo stables outside the manor, now replete with dusty crates and forgotten purpose, and feels a heaviness in his chest.

A single manservant remains in the employ of House Borel, and no amount of his wistful, wishful thinking will resurrect the past, nor will it bring forth a different future.

Regardless, he remains. Ready to serve, should need arise.

[gloieee]

Fluctuations

This always happens. I started this blog entry from songs that struck me in late December to January and all that transpired during that month, which seems SO distant now. Let me see how I’ll divide this one up.

Starting with my thoughts back then: I had begun to feel better since my state from the fall, which I would perhaps like to dub “The Lost Season.” I felt more settled, finally starting to be maybe myself. I focused on passing the block, which was looking precarious at this point, and did. Struggled a bit with research, future career direction, trying to decide between pursuing the impossible for motivation vs. not being motivated at all, because I had proven myself incapable of walking that middle ground. Had therapy. Had a relatively lackluster but un-agonizing, relatively enjoyable and stable arrangement that took care of my fix while also preventing me from bad decision-making…for the most part. Guess I had some random, inconsequential sparks to keep me going too. Things were looking more settled and I was filled with determination for the future, at least on the academic front. And then some tiny thing happened, and totally irrelevant to the details, sent me on a spiral down my original trajectory, and I was slightly a wreck in January. As my close friend put it: I was getting R E K T constantly. More therapy. I would fluctuate from a state that seemed like polar opposites—whimsical lightheartedness; some idgaf confidence (rooted in truth, ahem, although it was buried quite deep down); a deep, penetrating sense of loneliness; confusion; some self-frustration & insecurity; and of course, some self-deprecation that pervades my being. But now, looking back, I think what pervades all these songs is a sense of apathy. There is an emotional distance—whether that be from numbness, lack of depth, an aversion to be vulnerable, or lacking the deeper sense of self-confidence/ security in myself. All the emotions were made worse by the fact that I felt shame towards how I was feeling, because it was the first time that these emotions may have stemmed from insecurity.

 So here goes, Fluctuations:

 2/1/2020

Really should not be doing this right now, but I’m already doing it without doing it, so will just do it (which looking back, sums up my approach to this past year).

This mood is so exactly how I feel:

NIKI- Chilly

Rediscovered myself, took back my heart Moved to a new city where I should be restartin' But I just feel nothin' Though something could grow I don't ever let it take root, oh Possibility all round me But I don't give a shit

I feel this about a lot of things, perhaps less than before, but I still have my moments. I’m in medical school, this place that I wanted so much, that some others feel so dedicated to and excited about, but sometimes I feel like I don’t give a shit.  As I’ve noted, I feel as though a lot of my old crosses and struggles are returning. The new glitz of LA has worn off, and I’m unfortunately just me.

December's feelin chilly Takin' shots at the club to warm up and distract me from feelin empty Every now and then I would remember how you made me feel Oh, desolation and thrill 

Nostalgia. That longing for the past. “every now and then” it does happen. I did take a lot of shots, and although it does warm me up in several ways, I’m not sure how often it distracts me from feeling empty.

To hell with "other halves" That's bullshit, I'm already whole alone That don't mean that I wanna be alone Tangled bodies to reset my heart but it just won't

I resonate with this so much. It reminds me of what Jo March says in the new Little Women film: “Women have minds and they have souls as well as just hearts. They’ve got ambition and they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. I am so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it! But—I am so lonely.” 

Do you ever think about me? When she ain't around, is your bed cold without me? There ain't nothin' for me out here I'll stop asking questions, you take care

But of course, despite the queries, I know I should just stop asking questions and say take care and walk away. I’m getting a bit better with it definitely. But still not fully there.

 ______________________________________________________________________

Lyrics-wise, Jessie Reyes & JRM - Imported resonates deeper with me, but my unending love for 6lack prevented me from foregoing that one. Jessie is the lead in this first track, and I am* the lead of my life, so… And of course, my bank account isn’t looking mighty fine AT ALL, so that was an immediate eliminating factor. 

Jessie’s voice is always laden with emotion, and there’s a penetrating pang, a sultry intensity to everything she’s saying. This song was the most accurate encapsulation of my state in Dec-Jan. I was trying to be better, to put myself in situations where I didn’t feel REKT afterwards, or in more refined terms, not feel immense distress. Yet, deep down I wanted to. I so loved making bad decisions—giving into that impulsive desire, stirring shit up in a slight way. It felt more true to myself in the moment. 

Hi, my name is Doesn't Matter I like making bad decisions Let's wake up like nothing happened If we do it, say we didn't   You, you're in love with somebody else Maybe I could offer some help Get over them by getting under me   Hi, my name is not important I'm not from here, I'm imported I drink liquor like it's water Hope my liver can afford it I've been lying here, I'll be lying here I'm under the covers Like what happened here ain't nothing sacred Shit that got me fucked up is I know that dude just saw me naked

In some moments, this embodied the kind of interaction I wanted, or at least, felt right to me at the time. I love how this song captures the hallmarks of casual interactions, with a twist. Your name doesn’t matter, you wake up without any emotional attachments, unaffectionate, like something in between friends to acquaintances to strangers, as if nothing happened, despite a level of intimacy that was shared the night before. Despite popular opinion, it really couldn’t matter less that they’re in love with somebody else. You want to help them, not by becoming “the one”, but by replacing them physically, helping to forget for a night. Nightly trysts can be meaningful for sure, but there really isn’t anything sacred about this one. You’re over here worrying about superficial things like how this dude saw you naked rather than about how your capacity for emotional connection and depth could have been compromised.

Imported into someone else’s life in so many more ways than one; lying on so many more ways.

Of course, behind the chill, callousness of it all, there is a grain of realness:

Not interested in a broken heart But who'd a thought it'd take me ages? I ended up here 'cause my girls said "Fake it 'til you make it"   I can tell you fucked up over Someone else you can't replace, and You finally realized That broken love just ain't worth saving You tryna lick the wounds But someone's not reciprocatin'

We aren’t trying to get feelings involved, but there’s a lingering shadow of how this all began. Fake it till you make it. But who’d have thought these pseudoscars would last as long as they did?

The last bit didn’t resonate much with me personally, surprisingly, but this is often how it goes in the realm of casual interactions. Glimpses of it in people of the emotionally unavailable kind, in that invariably tipsy, vulnerable pillow talk stage. The stuff that makes you defensive or overthink the next morning. 

What I love about this one is that cheeky side-eye, that nod of confidence that co-exists with the uncertainty and vulnerability. You do want to keep it on the dl, you don’t want any of the emotional attachment, but also, you know you got it, you aren’t gonna hide it if it comes down to it and you know they still might get hooked:

Let's wake up like nothing happened If we do it, say we didn't If your friends ask if you hit it You can tell 'em, I'll admit it I wear that shit like a badge 'Cause I know that I got that kitty   Get over them by getting under me But you might OD if you get too much of me

Such a seductive song that doesn’t try to at all, just a perfect blend of playful, crude, casual and real.

Zooming in on that badass sense of confidence, Ella Mai- Sauce comes in with a truly saucy bop on knowing your true worth, and being ready to drop anyone who don’t get it. We aren’t with you cause without them life sucks, we’re choosing to be with them, and they can be unchosen if they can’t handle the flavor. There’s always a fear of being too much for a lot of people, including myself—too emotional, too intense, too clingy, too crazy etc.—and Ella owns her everything, and puts the boys in their place:

Don't get emotional   So I'd rather let you know Even though, I'm good without you I'm fucking with you regardless And if that's gon' hurt you Least you can say is I'm honest Good things don't always get to you the way that you want it   I'm good without you but I'm fucking with you regardless So tell me if it gets too much Tell me if you bit too much Sorry that you can't keep up You're looking like you bit too much Boy, act right 'cause it's cool There's too much sauce in the food for you Too much sauce I got too much sauce, sauce   It takes a strong man, strong shoulders You gotta level up if you want this (stop)

When you got these broad shoulders, def need one with strong shoulders as well. 

But despite the UMPHHH about ourselves that rules deep down, we all still have our fleeting, very millennial moment of weakness, I’d like to think. I love how light Quinn XCII & Chelsea Cutler are—they capture those blurry nights with one too many drinks when you’re on your phone feeling nostalgic and emotional, feel those questions bubbling up that you don’t know the answers to and actually shouldn’t.

Why are we frayed at the edge, it's making me feel all to blame I wanna know what's the deal Where have you been and what do you think of me? Is there a new girl silently screaming your name?   Why am I still holding on? I'm still holding on And I'm way too honest and you make me want it Why are we at such a distance? Find ourselves so out of frame Why are we drifting away from everything we wanted to save?

You want to hit up that one person from that one inconsequential but also kinda meaningful fling, or whatever gets you going. The song captures how you KNOW you shouldn’t, that it won’t amount to anything, but yet you give in from time to time. You know you should move on and are frustrated for not, but yet here you are.

It's old news, I should look for better Falling back to strangers, leave me hanging on Flare guns go off in my head, saying not to call you this late Still I dial those numbers every time Why do I replay those messages that you left at the tone last May? Slowly wishing you were never mine

The melody is upbeat and reminiscent of one of those somewhat last song moments at the bar when the music is winding down, the lights are on the verge of turning on, and you’re lightly sweaty and have that faded moment of compromised reality. It’s an inherently not-too-serious, universal emotion, still sung with a small, perhaps very slightly wry, smile on your face.

Niki’s Chilly hones in on this moment of weakness, but a more grounded, sober version. In retrospect, I think this was the most traditionally me song of the bunch, just cause I am a very moody girl at heart (mgp 5eva). Niki’s subdued voice is perfect--you can tell she’s not just indulging in an emotional moment and that it’s just straight up observations. She cares a lot still, but less about about that person she’s missing and more about the fact that that person has (partly) led her to feeling numb, and that she somehow hasn’t left that state.

But I ain't bitter, babe I've moved on, I just hate That nothing blooms since you

She points out an important distinction—you can move on from the person but not from the state that that person put you in. You can tell she’s fully aware of everything that’s happening, that she perhaps even knows what to do to get out of it, but can’t fully muster up the energy or that impetus to actually do so.

The most out of place song in the bunch, but I was intrigued by the progression of infatuation to love and a belief in that love over time, and to eventually walking away from something that you knew was so good for you:

Isaiah Rashad feat Syd- Silkk da Shocka 

You give me all that you got

You make it stretch it and flip I fell in love with your thighs I learned it's more than your hips You know I'm caught in my vibe But I still give you my rib You hear them callin' my name But know it's hard for me here

I'm left at home by myself I chose the world in the end I say you know I'll be back You try your best to pretend I say you all that I want And when I make it, it's real I hear 'em callin' my name It's gettin' hard for me here

To know you love me It's rare to know you love me But yeah I know you love me It's rare I know you love me

There’s an enticing smoke and cloudiness that shrouds this track—you can feel the regret peeking out despite his compromised state, but of course, he doesn’t let himself fully realize that he made a mistake. He ends with a garbled monologue that shuts the whole thing down:

Feel so hollow unless you're usin' narcotics See I don't wanna be here if I don't gotta My weed habit so close to snortin' powder Got a few bitches but it's only bout a dollar Feel so hollow unless you're usin' narcotics See I don't wanna

And just after the self-indulgent haze of smoke, that early moment when you realize you’re indulging in something to numb the emotions, we’re fully in back our high and back to whimsical, light fun to forget all the Debbie downer bits. Might as well indulge in some steady, reliable fun if things can’t be inherently resolved yet:

Taylor Teyana feat Kanye West - Hurry

Keep your eyes all on this fatty If you like what you see take your hands and grab it Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry Late night get like all this real magic Ride it automatic till the sun come up, ooh Early, early, early, early

Every time she round, she get treat like the sidekick Until that side chick went and got some side dick

And after all the shits and giggles, the fun and games, there comes a time when you realize you need a change and that you’re ready for it—you’re ready to jump out the window. Big Sean, who I lowkey love for his lyrics—which seem just cheesy enough to be real—captures this state so well. It’s matter of fact, no buts, no fronting. This song felt like partly where I was at, partly something I needed to hear. Sometimes I’m Big Sean, sometimes I’m the girl he singing to. Honestly, despite him saying he doesn’t want to turn this into therapy, it felt like one—a necessary pep talk almost. He does it in a non-condescending, casual way. Some particular kernels of knowledge:   

We already wasted too much time And your time is the only thing I wish was mine   Know ya momma didn't raise you to take no disrespect, yeah I feel like real queens know how to keep the game in check, yeah You cried on my phone the whole night That time he crossed the line yeah, yeah, yeah (Oh I was there) I went to straighten his ass out And you told me never mind yeah   The question isn't, "Do he love ya?" The question is, "Do ya love yourself?" You give the best advice to your friends and not take it for yourself   You been up at night, sleep deprivation What's the hesitation? What's ya reservation? You been trippin', trippin' with no destination You need separation, you need recreation   Look, Funny we ran into each other while we leaving You walked in with a perm And now yo hair look like The Weeknd's I know that you been needin' clarity Don't mean to sit ya down and turn this into therapy But you gave too much time to that boy charity, hear me

As someone who had just gotten a perm that was slightly difficult to control post-shower, had run into a lot of people, and definitely needed both clarity and therapy, this bit did kill me a little. Hoping mine didn’t look too much like the Weeknd’s though.

He still keeps it relaxed and light enough for us to swallow the medicine: 

I don't mean to sound like the jealous type But you oughta know (oughta know) I think me and you should get together sometimes On the low low low (on the) Sometimes I wonder if you even know How much you worth, I gotta know   Remember when you used to come through and hit the Mario Kart And you always picked the Princess I realized you was princess Way back then we the best thing that never happened, but

And an ironic song to cap it off. Mahalia- I Wish I Missed My Ex. Sometimes it’s easier to have someone to miss.

4.10. 2020