#the lighting doesnt make sence and the heads are way too big but lets ignore that

[gh0stsblogs]

young Tobs n EJ

[blackphantomfan995-blog-blog]

Hey! You there? I am. Wondering about life? Yeah i know you are. Dont ask me how i know. Shit what to write? Every second, every minute a thousand of images and words goes thrue my head, my mind is a messed up place. It never shuts down! I always think about something, im always caunting something and it doesnt sound so bad. Right? That’s what you thought. It’s killing me thruth to be told. I written a lot of messed up stuff but never one of my stories. Why do people write books about themself? Maybe if they had a happy life it would make everything okay, or a sad life just to get attention? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they just wanted to be heard in the world and they wanted there story to be told. They just wanted someone to listen to them. Or maybe im just full of shit. Hah.. maybe? Think about that, unseartinty of the world. Think hard! Nothing 100% true today. That’s all we have a bunch of maybe’s and a bunch of lies that everyone is feeding us. If you are easily triggered that know dont read this because head up : Shit’s gonna get dark! What to say, what to say? My legs are shaking. I dont know why. Maybe I am nervous, huh.. maybe again. I’m not a pearson that ussualy opens up or actually tells you his feelings. Truth is i would rather suffer to see someone else happy. I know, i know.. It’s wrong and yes i do know todays big loud sentence in the world is i wanna die. Well thanks for ruining that. Take a moment to realize your joke and than say it again and again. Funny? No? Do it again! Say it ten more times! Funny? Maybe? Again, again and again! What’s wrong my silent friend? I cant hear a laugh anymore. You still want to make that joke? Go ahead say it, scream it, shout it from the bottom of your laungs until you run out of breathe and than fucking answer me: Still fucking funny? If you mean what you say than I’m with you. I understand! I wanted, I dreamed about it and I prayed for it and yet here I am still thinking not doing. It’s a scary thought aint it? Did you think about that my friend? What happends after you do it? Do you go to heawen to live out you favorite moment of life over and over again not being able to realize that you’re dead? Do you go to hell where demons rape you and satan tortures you over and over and over again? Do you simply stay on the other side as ghost forever? Do you get reborn in the new body not being able to remember your past life, or does it simply go black? Questions.. so many of them. I think about a lot of stuff and not being able to do anything because i overthink is my biggest weakness. We’ll get to everything dont worrie. I will let you in on my complicated mind but first lets exploy this. Heawen? Hmm.. it sounds kind off nice too bad I’m not. If it is real than i wouldnt go but i guess you know me better or you will so its for you decide. My happiest memorie? Shit.. i cant. I took a minute away from keyboard to change a song and took a moment to realize what my favorite moment is. and truth to be told i cant remember. Do i not have one? No i have one! Why cant i remember? Thousand of things are going thrue my mind and there it is the most beautiful and peacefull moment i lived is when i was next to an amazing girl. We didnt have sex, we werent drunk, we didnt have a good time with jokes or by watching anything. She was simply sleeping. Her head was on my cheast as i stroked her hair. Her heart beat i could feel as it almost matched mine. Her soft and gentl breath could be heard in the dead silence of the room. The window in the corner of the room had stripes on it so moonlight entered my room in lines when rest was just dark. Her soft body was next to mine. So warm and soft. That is the moment i knew that it doesnt get better than that. It complete nirvana. I knew nothing mathered and for the first time in my life my brain didnt work. I was at peace. I didnt worrie about now, or tomorrow in that moment. Nothing and everything mattered and it was beautiful.  Huh.. sorry for a moment there i got emotional. Just kidding it’s gonna get way, way deeper than that. It’s just hard to think about that. I want to feel that again. I want my fucking brain to stop working for atleast one minute so I can relax. No real names will be spoken in this book for there sake and i got way than enough people that hate me alread. So where did we left off? Oh that’s right death.  Hell? That one has many stories but lets talk about the most common one what would happen. You wake up in hell and you’re alone. You would think there’s fire but no. There’s nothing. Everything black and than it begins the torture the pain. Think of all your pain and combine it with milion. You would bleed and every part of you would be ripped apart. The pain would be endless and you would die over and over and over again and just kept coming back with no scars with nothing and it would go all over again. Huh.. that one sounds like a bitch, right? I wouldnt want that would you my friend? Stupid question afcorse you wouldnt there is no scenario in the world where anyone would want or think about that. Haha jokes on me i did. I’m sitting in the dark with my hoodie on combined with music not even normal music some wierd shit and writing about it. There’s a guy next to me playing a game. What would he think of me if he reads this? Would he see me as broken or damaged or simply would he share pitty? What do you think my friend? Please dont hate me! I just want to be honest with you much as i can and let you know me. Dont be scared. He left! The guy that was sitting next to me so now i can tottaly commit to you and we will have complete privacy. Staying on other side is a hard thing. Maybe worse than hell itself. Imagine the pearson you love the most in the world. Did you? Good. Now imagine being next to her without being able to touch her, without being able to touch anything. You can scream all you want but nobody would hear you. Would you like it that way? Let’s get deeper in to this. Imagine you’re tied to the one you love as a ghost. Does it sound bad? Yes! Imagine if you love a boy or a girl. She/He is your everything. You will see them in pain after your loss if you’re lucky enough for them to be in pain for you. It will destroy you watching that pearson suffer. What would happen after that? That pearson will get over you sooner or later while you are still tied to him/her and you will be forced to watch that pearson fall in love with someone else. Someone else will take your place, someone else will love them and fuck them when you will be forgoten. What would you do then my friend? Kill yourself? You cant, you’re already dead. You’ll cry, you’ll be in pain, you’ll be trully alone and in the end you would lose your mind over and over and over again.  It just fucked my head. What would you do in that place? The best scenario i can think of is that the girl i love would be alone but i wouldnt be happy even than. I couldn watch her be alone and sad like me. If she does have and you do wait for her on the other side you can probobly realise that she would wait for her last love and i would be forgoten. It doesnt work good in any scenerio. I would get old and i will be alone. Much as i love being alone, all by myself. It would be bad. Fuck.. i need to stop thinking. I lighted a ciggarete just to calm my nervs even if it doesnt so many people say it does because they bealive it’s that easy but im not weak minded. My mind doesnt stop. Do you smoke? Join me for a smoke.  There is alternative that you wouldnt remember anything or that you wouldnt remember anything. You would be reborn in a new life and be someone else. They are cases when people say they remember there past life. Moles and birth marks you have are a scar that’s been past down to your new bodie as a mark of how you died in past life. Do you bealive that? I think it’s interesting but people remembering there past life i think that is just pack of shit. I could say its 100% true or false cause’ we cant possibly know.  Well what do you think now? The death doesnt sound fun. It’s a thing to be scared of! I want it and im guessing a lot of other people but that is what life is. Life.. Fuck life! It is perfectly designed mistake made just for amusment for higher power to laugh at us. Did you ever heard a saying if you wanna make god laugh just tell him your plans. Hah.. it kind of makes sence. I read a joke the other day it was funny for me.So here it is : A guy is sitting in the office in a interview for a job. There’s two more of them. A woman and a man. They all wearing suit’s so it look’s serious. So a woman asks: Do you have any special talents? He reaplyes: I cant die! A man and a woman excanged lookes and asked: How cant you die? He said: Because dreams dont come true!  Hahaha cracks me up every time. How about you friend? Did you laugh? I hope you did. The jokes. They are all i have! I have nothing. It’s lonely from where i sit. You wouldnt bealive me how lonely it is. I thought of getting a dog. It’s not something special but its something. Made me miss Rocky. I know its a shitty name i didnt choose it. The only animal i loved. I should explain. When i was 4 or 5 i cant really remember the year but i had a dog. He wasnt a special breed or somehow special in any way but he was to me. Groving up i didnt have friends. Not because they didnt want to hang with me it’s because i didnt want to hang out with them. It’s okay you’re safe with me. If you are reading this than you are probably wierd as me and it’s okay. It’s okay to be wierd! My sister didnt want ever to play with me neither my parents. They were to busy fighting. My grandma well just sat there and ignored the hole situation. Many times i would hide and of all fighting i would just abserve her how could she remain so calm. I kind of felt it all even back than. I didnt realise what was going on but fuck there was scenes i cant forget. What is your first memory my friend? Your dad teaching you how to ride a bike? You mom teaching you how to cock, some family member loving you in any way? Mine was my dad holding my moms neck as she scratched him took a knife and chased him thrue the house. She ran right past me and didnt care. I ran out of the house and went to the backyard and climbed my favorite tree. I cryed normaly since i was just a kid. I remember saying to myself “mom and dad dont love me” I cryed so much i began to shake and i fell from tree. It wasnt high but for a kid it was. It was atleast four feet high and i fell. I lost concesnes for two hours i think. I think that was what trigerred my sleep paralysis. Because i just lied there and kept thinking to myself my parents will show up, they will show up. I began talking to myself just to calm myself down. I know it’s insane to talk to yourself and yet i do it. It’s the only thing that keeps me sain witch isnt working that much for a long time my friend. Since that day i suffered from sleep paralysis until july this year when it just stoped but more on that later. I waited until i could move i stud up dusted myself off and went in to my house. I climbed the stairs and saw my mom, dad, grandma and sister drinking coffee like everything is okay. Like nothing happend. I froze. I stud there and i looked at them as the did at me. My mom said where have i been and why is my knee bleeding. I lovered my head and saw my knee and simply walked away. I was hoping for attention so i walked slow as i heard my sister say what a retard and my parents laughing at that. So yeah my friend i wasnt a friendly pearson neither i wanted friends. Same goes until this day. My only friend was my dog. I played with him and he never brought the ball i threw him neither did he obey me. He didnt hafty. I was a kid. I would simply sit on the ground and pet him. It was beautifull. I even builded him a wooden house. He had one but it was old so i decided to fix it up. I didnt know how to use nails, hammer or any tool for that matter but i gave it a try. I spent few hours on that rotten, little house. The only break i took was to go in the house and eat. It was almost night and i nedeed to go inside the house. So i finished it finnaly placed in the corner in the back-yard and admired what i’ve done. Rocky went inside and liyed on the floor. My heart was filled with joy and i run inside to show my parents. They didnt care, they said if anything i made it worse. Looking back it wasnt good i admit it. I didnt fix it. But that wasnt a thing to say to a kid. My joy went away in a second as i got ready for the bed. The next day i would wake up early in the morning when everyone was sleeping to help my grandma with launch and shoping. I loved to help around the house. She sent me to the store so i went. Rocky never left the yard. I went and saw him from distance. It was a huge dog you cannot miss him. As i ran twords him he ran twords me and then it happend. A car ran over him. I could have screamd or cryed but i didnt. It was shock without me knowing even what shock is. I continued walking to the store looking back at him and i began to be scared. I didnt even go near him as i returned home. I walked in my house, placed  groceries on the table and told my grandma: “The car ran over ..” and than i broke i started crying. My grandma buried him and i was sad for days. I would sit alone in back-yard thrue entire day not doing anything or saying anything. It was quiet mostly but i did talk to myself a bit. That is the first time my parents were trully worried about me and tryed to talk to me. They even forced my sister to play with me but nothing changed until few days later a neiborhood dog chased thrue the street on my way to the store and bit me by hand as i fell. Somehow i forgot for a time there. I forgot about Rocky and my life went going. When i watched frankeweene for the first time I cryed so much. I think that is the first time i remembered him. I didnt leave my room or play with someone else until i was seven. Life’s weird. I know! Fuck.. I cant, i want to but i’m trying to share much as i can. It’s hard. Do you know? Are you deranged like me my friend? Shit.. lets keep going. In those two years nothing special happened. My parents got divorced i cryed, my sister kissed my moms ass and they spent all of there time together and my grandma got sick. I kind of felt it all and started growing up in another direction. I didnt like to talk to people, i didnt like to be touched by anyone, i liked my stuff organized and i would go crazy if any of my top three rules broke. My mom forced me when i was seven out of the house to make friends. I went outside and i was afraid. I didnt know anyone. On the way thrue the street i looked myself in the car and saw my reflection. Looking back i was a nobody between those kids and i regret going out to this day. I was just some lame kid with his favorite spider t-shirt and half long black hair that i kept pushed back. You dont fit in anywhere neither do I. People are feed with the bullshit and they keep saying look at me im awkward, look at me i wanna die. But are you? Are you trully crazy like me? What’s wrong with society people ask. You did it! Not you friend maybe, maybe you did I wouldnt know but what i do know is that the world is sick. There is so much filth in this world. People steal. Everybody steals. You cant say you dont cause sort of you do. In every position someone is getting more or less. Someone is stealing and someone is loosing. It’s a selfish circle. Look at what happend to the world! What do you see my friend when you walk, what do you see outside? Do you see beauty or reality? I see the world for what it is and most of people dont know me i and judge me crazy just for that. I know the world has gone to shit. Today’s corparate media (facebook, youtube, twitter, instagram, snapchat, viber, what’s up, my space, messenger, google, yahoo, apple and many more) They are sickness in the world. They’re not the only one! Do you know who Steve Jobs is? I do! Steve Jobs is a man that got ritch from child support. Underage kids worked there ass off for him to get ritch. What do you think he runned? Apple! Iphones today you’re using its all him, Think next time you take your iphone that some kid was forced to work and make it. You dont care? Ohh i know you do but not enough to speak out and throw it away. Am i right? You wouldn’t cause’ fuck kids right? I am discasted by this world. Look at hollywood. Everybody knows and loves hollywood and yet it infested with child pornagrafy and sexuall abuse. Many actors came out and said that they were abused. Many writers and directors were the one who abused kids and yet they went to prison for a little bit. Not even all of them just some of them and than they returned to hollywood. Knowing that a guy raped a tweelwe year old girl went to jail, came out and is now directing a movie who main theme is that a girl is raped when she’s tweelwe. It just fuck’s my head. I know i shouldn’t care. But i do. I care! I can go on for days on what is wrong with society but truth is you already know that. Long as you have money you dont give a shit. Nobody does. Todays biggest problams are attention, dating, social media, money.. There’s no love or respect. There’s no hope anymore. The human species might as well soon be priced out of exsistence since the world is fucked. People dont care about anything but themselfes. Sometimes i try it. I really tryed but i cant that’s not who i am. Soon nothing will matter cause we’ll all be too dead to care. So you ask me what is wrong with society? Fuck society! I thought of getting a shrink many times. But comeone let’s be realistic. He doesn’t know what goes around in my head. Nobody does! I can write to you my friend all day long and yet you couldnt help. Truth is by the end of this you’ll see me as a broken man and you’ll keep your distance like everybody else. That’s the main reason i push so many people away. I can put a fake smiley that nobody never knew it was fake. When i was dying and screaming inside nobody knew i never let them. That scares me to be honest. I’m sorry but i am. We are friends right? Hah… i sound like an emo to you dont I? People living in the ignorence of the world having everything and saying they know what pain is are retards. I’m not discureging disabled people but I’m stating the fact that that thought for you to have it you need to be a retard. My skin is bothering me right now. I hate it. I hate everything. What do you say to this my friend? What do you say to someone like me? Have you ever been lonely? I have. The feeling doesnt go away. I mean it does but that pain, that feeling sticks with you. It is something you cant forget like smoking a first joint, poping a first pill or getting drunk the first time.  Shit. im over doing it aint i? Can you see me? Can you hear me? The lonelyness goes oway but it always comes back. For a moment you get a fix of your drug, an escape from reality and it comes right back. It hits you like a bullet. You dont know what happened but you feel it. Every time its more painfull. It gets deeper every time and it digs and digs it’s way to you brain until you get so stressed out you cant speak or breathe. You type words like i do without taking a breathe. It’s hopeless. You cant stop it. Your entire body starts cramping up and you start to shake. There’s a whole world around you and yet you’re in the corner. It’s dark. Nobody’s around even though they are it’s like they’re gone. Nobody’s around you’re all alone. You slowely take a deep breathe, realize you’re a goner and it the ice cold wind hits you as you start to shake and feel it in your bones. The pain is real. You blame everybody around, everyone you know, you blame your mother for giving birth to you, you curse god for creating pain or let along creating you, you go thrue every possible option but in the end you only have yourself to blame. You blame yourself. You ask yourself as tears fall while your entire body is shaking: What have i done wrong? Why did i deserve this? You want the feeling to go away and your mind is clowded so you first resort is cut it out. You take a razor put it on your hand. It’s on your arm. Pressed sharp on it waiting to cut you open but your mind is somewhere else. You want it and you dont. You figure why the hell not? Is there anybody who cares? There’s a thousand of things going thrue your head. Reasons why you shouldnt do it and reasons why you should. Everything and nothing is there or isnt as it opens your vein slowely. It hurts so you make a small sound as a razor cuts you open. You look at it and the blood slowely starts to apear and drip from your arm. You do it again, and again, and again and you just watch it. Watch blood drip oway. Watch life fade oway. Something wrong my friend? I know it’s bad. Everybody knows! But there is something so peacfull about it. The pain gets put out. The feeling of lonelyness goes oway. It’s like taking a strong drug and recovering from it. It’s like your system is adjusting to normal again as you watch it bleed. Tears have stoped and you hear a voice. You look around and realize this is in you head. Shit. This was all in my head. What the hell is happening to me? It takes few of these until you trully do it. It’s just a matter of time before anybody snap’s and my was when i was eleven years old. I hope havent lost you my friend. I kind of feel better talking about this to you. Actually no i dont. Anxiety is killing me right now. There is to many people around me it makes me wanna stand up scream shut the fuck up. Lucky me to have you to talk to so i can take my mind off things. Looking at it it’s wrong i know it is. Worse of all it’s like being addicted and i dont mean that you want to cut yourself but for pain to go away next time you need to cut more of yourself, you need to cut deeper, and deeper, and deeper until you’re a goner. So where did i stop? What story should i say to you? Please dont let me be gone.. please, please, please, please... I’m crying as i write this. Truth is i have so much pain and i just wanna die. There is the biggest truth about me. Fuck life, fuck family, fuck everything and everyone. Every one of you can suck it. Do you want the truth? You got it.. But that is not how life works. I live for pain. I want happines maybe, i wanna feel normal but im not. I know what is like to be different. I’m very different. I’ve been telling myself for a long time now, for at least 10 years now dont worrie about life. It can maybe fuck you hard and leave you deppresed but you’re not going to live long to care. Year after year getting thrue life drunk and high thinking im gonna do it. I swear im gonna do it. But here i am. Left alone to bleed out my tears and pain and it still has a hold on me. Oh god how i wish it was different. Did you ever fantisize about what would it be to have a normal life? What would it mean? I did! Somehow i know no matter what i do, or what would happen i would end up the same deppresed, broken high and lonely boy i am. Fuck.. shit’s getting blurry around me. Somehow i think this book shouldnt be read while you’re high. Shit’s insane and it can fuck you up. Take a pill. Join me. Slowely turn up Lil Peep and sink in your bed, light a ciggarete and join me in my hell. That reminds me of a winter when i was sixteen. I was alone. I was living alone as well. I had no money. I didnt eat for two days and outside was ice cold. I returned home from a dessprate attempt to steal some food but i didnt do it. I walked in to my old house where i lived. It had no eletricity or water. It was chilling cold. I was so alone. I had nobody. I liyed on my bed covered myself with what i had and froze for hours. To make a situation even worse i took some pills thinking fuck it would be good. I wont feel shit i’ll just fall asleep. But i didnt! I was awake for hours..thinking, and thinking, and thinking. What do i have to live for? I’ve hit rock bottom so many times that it doesnt suprise me anymore. I just wait for it knowing it’s coming. I mean that moment was something i cant put in the words. That is the first time i cryed for hours. I cutted my entire arm and didnt even feel it. It was the first time it didnt help no matter how deep i got. You know it’s bad when it’s to cold to even take your pant’s off so you cut your legs thrue them while crying/screaming.  When you read this dont think im telling you to do drugs. I dont! But for a fucked up life you need drugs. People who didnt try dont understand what it’s like. My life without drugs would be a complete wreck at least with drugs i had some good moment’s. It was fun at least sometimes. I remember my first joint. My ex friend and i smoked it in my yard. I tripped out i was a vampire haha.. can you bealive it? I was fourteen and i was way in too Vampire Diaries. I builded at least a hundred stakes and started making weapons like they did in Supernatural my favorite show by the way. So many good memories with people i want to die now but still those memories are something that is still a part of who i am. I didnt have anyone to tell me that’s good or bad. I didnt have anyone to teach me some things like shave or even to have a awkward converastion about sex. I wanted that. I know it’s stupid but im a sucker for all those things and i know it’s too late now anyways. What do you think? Dont call me a crybaby. Shit happend’s and people break. Soul is supouse to be the strongest part of oneself. I’m not you know selfish and shit. There are people who dont have shoes to put on there legs let along eat, there are starving children and im complaining on and on. It doesnt mean you’re depressed just because you dont have something, for that matter you can have a lot of things and be depressed. When I was thirteen my mom was at good financial state and i had basic shit and i was depressed. I’m not saying money doesnt mean anything. It does! Money is everything! I guess you can sink it in simply buy saying to everything “look at the bright side. You’re going to die and nothing’s going to matter anyways. Sorry friend. I went over board. This is about my memories i guess. It’s a shit storm same as it’s writter. What can i even say? Everyone was mean to me so imma going to die young. Yes! That’s gonna happen sooner than you think. When you think of family what is the first thing you think of? Love? Happines? Well in my case it’s different. When i try to remember i remember a scared boy. Scared of everything trying to hide from anyone. Home is a safe space for most. For me it was hell! Endless beating and torture. Did you ever feel so alone and realised that you completly alone? I have. I hate when i cant hold in my loneliness. I remember a night after a long time i wasnt depressed. I was maybe eleven and i was sitting on the window in my sister’s room. My sister was a messy pearson and nobody went in to her room because it’s filled with trash. I mostly went there so i can spend my time sitting on window listening to music, smoking and thinking about a girl. Her name was Sara. That is my favorite girl name. Hah.. it was in those moments friends. I stare at her house imagening that she will come out and that we will start some life together or atleast be together. You thought i was crazy? I did this for months. Each day i would repeat the story and add a new detail. Did you figure it out yet? It never got boring for me not even for a second. It was my way for a time coping with depression and to honest it made me happy. Story went perfect and it went like this. She was a blonde. I in my goth fase would be sitting on my window smoking while Garbage or The Cure would be playing in background. My black hoodie would be on me and she would notice me. It would be difficult not to. You could actually feel the spark between us the first time are eyes met. She had green ones. It gives me the chills just remembering it. She was moving in the house next to mine. The boxes and stuff were going in from all the trucks while the two of us would just look in each other eyes. It didnt have a meaning it was just that not some special love or meaning. But when i looked at her nothing mattered. It was complete peace and she took the big bootle of glue and glued together my heart and soul. Ahh it gives me the chills just to remember it. What did you think? No! It wasn’t sex it was just that. My undying love for Sara as she made me feel hole. That being said i can return to the part of me just sitting there on the window remaking the story in my head as my mother came in and pushed me off the second floor. To this day i have back problems because of it.  My mom was a spoiled kid and she always expect perfection and that everyone brings everything to her feet and treat her like a queen. I wasnt the best son. I wasnt even half way later but it was too late than for mothers attention when ruined me. Not alone afcorse there is a lot of people who fucked with me and made my life living hell.