#the latter half of this post is /j

[vallkary]

I wish fishing for sport without eating the fish was ethical

I never redeemed myself from my fishing pole being stolen by catfish when I was 5

[yeostars]

౨ৎ♡ | Heartstrings and tears |

• J. YH .ᐟ •

•pairing- bf .ᐟ jeong yunho x reader .ᐟ

•synopsis- wherein yunho and y/n have an argument late at night, y/n leaves their apartment for some space while walking to clear out her thoughts without informing yunho. both of them are mad at each other, but are worried about the latter at the same time. Cold shoulders. Him kissing away your tears. (a happy ending at the end dw)

•genre- angst, fluff at the end

•warnings- just some high tension and aggression throughout the story. tears and sarcasm, arguments, typical argument and resolving conflicts

•author's note- randomly thought of this fic idea in the morning, and i had it all planned out so i decided to write it in the eve itself. I still have my ongoing hwa and yeo fic left to complete, I'll post them soon after this i swear ! this is my first written imagine on a specific member, hope you enjoy reading !

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In the dimly lit apartment, tension hung in the air like an invaded storm. You sat on the extreme far end of the sofa, wanting to be as distant from your boyfriend, as you could, at the moment. Arguments barely took place between you and Yunho in the course of your relationship. Then what had led you to have one, at this moment, which left both of you frustrated along with your anguished emotions bubbling up to the surface?

Well, this argument was a result of your small pent up issues and minor conflicts. Both of you bottled up such opinions and worries you had for yourselves and for each other, and finally, a fully blown argument involving sharp and harsh words towards each other took place. Not to mention the fact that both you and Yunho were stubborn and childish, hence sarcastic remarks throughout the argument was a must.

Yunho's lips released a profound sigh, and you could practically feel his frustration and anger from that sigh. He got up, gave you one last glance and retreated to the bedroom. You didn't even glance at him all this time while he left. All you did was stare at the floor, as the echo of the closing door of his room resonated in your ears.

You lolled your head back on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. No. Just no. You couldn't bear this atmosphere with unresolved tension anymore. You needed some space, too. Perhaps, the idea of a night walk didn't seem so bad to you. You needed this to clear out your thoughts or else you couldn't face Yunho. Not at the moment, atleast.

You stood up and lingered across the door of his room, and after giving the closed door one last glance, you picked up your phone & the spare keys of your apartment, put on your slippers and headed out of the apartment, closing the door very softly.

After what seemed like half an hour, Yunho finally got out of the bedroom and walked towards the deserted living room, as if ready to face you & resolve the argument once and for all. As he scanned the empty and silent living room, worry etched across his forehead lines as his brows furrowed. He hurriedly went to the kitchen and your room, the bathroom and possibly checked every corner of your house to find you. No trace of you. You were nowhere to be found...

Is she insane? Yunho mumbled, as his eyes lingered across the big circle clock in the living room, reading the time. 11.45. Where the hell did she go this late at night? Without even informing or texting me.... he thought, as he immediately went to the bedroom to reach out for his phone & came back to the living room to sit on the sofa again, his phone in the palm of his hands, his fingers lingering on your number in the messaging app.

He contemplated for a while, what kind of text he should send you, or weather he should text you at all. He understood that you probably went out to get some space & to let everything sink in, but without even informing him...? Didn't you know that the person he worried and cared for the most was you..?

He realized that you were giving him the silent treatment. A cold shoulder, perhaps, and he decided to reciprocate this silent treatment of yours. Yunho sat there, with a blank expression on his face, scrolling through all sorts of comedy videos on social media but none of them even made him smile an inch, let alone laugh. His thoughts were consumed by your whereabouts and your argument that took place earlier.

Minutes passed, as the feelings of worry, guilt, frustration, anger and desperation consumed him. He finally decided to push his ego aside and text you because hell, he couldn't bear this anymore. He wanted to resolve all of this. He longed to see your smile, longed to cuddle and kiss you, longed to just be with you and end this damn argument.

Yunho impatiently waited for you to come back home, his feet tapping the floor every second. He recollected himself and thought of how he'd face you and what he would say when he faced you. Well, half of it depended on how you were. Were you mad? Were you still upset? All these thoughts were held at a standstill as he heard the loud doorbell of your apartment.

He stood up in a jiffy, opening the door to reveal you, safe and sound, in front of him. Your palms reached at the back of your neck, clearly a little embarrassed as Yunho stepped aside to let you in. You still stared only at the floor and nowhere else. The farthest you could glance at was Yunho's black sweatshirt. You just couldn't meet his eyes, and your boyfriend stared at you with such intensity & the cold expression on his face was something you wouldn't want to see.

"You're unbelievable, you know that? Informing me that you were going out or even texting me wouldn't hurt, Y/N. Especially after our heated argument, what emotions did u expect me to have after you left home without a single word? Do you know how worried i was?!" He said this, in a tone higher than usual. He almost regretted it after a second and thought he should've apologised to you first..

You had to admit, though, it wasn't the best decision to leave home without informing or texting him, so it was right for him to get mad over that. But, you had a right to be mad, too, he said quite a few sharp words during your argument earlier that stung you right in the heart.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Don't you think you have something to apologize for, too, Yunho?" You said, stuttering a little.

"I know i do. Would you atleast look at me, though? You've been staring at the floor ever since. Look me right in the eye, please." He pleaded, coming a step closer to you.

Your heart immediately picked up its pace as you stared at your boyfriend in front of you, his expression filled with regret and guilt.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Y/N. For everything earlier. For those harsh words and that... attitude. But you have to know that you're just as stubborn as me. To be honest, i realized that whatever we were arguing about earlier was childish and wasn't worth for us being mad at each other. Forgive me please. I can't bear all this tension and just want to see you smile." He said all that at one go, as if he already had figured out what he'd say to you once you're back home.

You bit your lips as you stared at him, his words and his apology ringing in your ears like an echo. Before you even knew it, tears starting streaming down your face, as you took everything in. Yunho's gaze towards you softened, and nothing hurt him more than seeing you cry. You rarely ever cried in front of him and the fact that you were, right now, almost made him want to cry too.

He immediately came closer towards you, his left hand sliding behind your waist and right hand behind your head, pulling you closer to his chest. "You know, seeing you cry hurts me a lot. I feel like crying too now.." he said, softly patting your head as you calmed down. As you cried for a minute or two in his arms, you pulled back, still in his embrace, to look at him. "I'm sorry, too. I hate arguing with you. Especially since you're the sweetest and kindest person i've ever seen in my life. Instead of being angry at you, i was angrier at myself. You never say such harsh words, so i felt like i must've done or said something really bad to have you react like that." You said, your voice breaking a little, a few tears streaming down your face.

"Don't say stuff like that, y/n. I'm the guilty one here, too. Don't blame yourself only because as a matter of fact, we were both childish and egoistic" He said, and suddenly you felt the palm of his hand at your head slide down lower to the back of your neck, pulling you closer to him, as his lips glided effortlessly to the tears on your cheeks.

Did he...just kiss my tears away?!? You wondered as he finally rested his forehead against yours, waiting for you to say something.

Instead of replying to him, you were the one who pulled him closer by the neck now, your lips instantly connecting with his. Yunho's eyes widened in surprise, yet he picked up the pace of the kiss in a second and kissed you back just as passionately as you did. Both his arms were resting against your waist now, as the both of you just kissed and felt each others love in silence.

As you pulled back, panting, in the dire need of some air, a blush immediately formed on your cheeks. Yunho noticed that and smirked, ruffling your hair in endearment.

"Hey, you're the one who started the kiss & you're being shy now..?" He questioned, chuckling.

"S-so what? You're way too good of a kisser & that's the most normal reaction i could ever have." You said, all flustered.

"I'm way too good of a kisser, hm? Well then, would you mind doing something more than just kissing..?" He asked, smirking yet again.

"Tonight...? No way, Yunho. You know that we've both got work tomorrow. Probably tomorrow night since its the weekend later, if you're good enough to me." You say, joking.

"Good enough?! Aren't i always good enough to you, darling?" He said, purposely adding darling at the end to make you even more flustered than you already are.

"W-whatever. Anyways, lets go sleep now, its past one o'clock for gods sake." You said, reaching out for his hand, as the both of you walked towards the bedroom, reaching out towards your respective wardrobes to change into your nightclothes.

"I love you." You mumble to Yunho besides you, just as you're about to sleep.

"I love you too, Y/N. More than you'll ever know. Lets never argue again, all it does is waste our time." Yunho said, turning off the lights as you nodded, the both of you having a sound and relaxed sleep because of your resolved argument.

[guidaozongshi]

On Sakura and SasuSaku's apparent popularity in the eastern fandom

One of the widely regurgitated talking points in favour of the Sasuke/Sakura relationship is that it is the most popular Naruto pairing in Japan and that Sakura is a very popular character but western fans apparently fail to understand the nuances of their relationship unlike their eastern counterparts. These claims range from half-truths to complete nonsense, in this post I attempt to counter these.

Firstly, let's talk about Sakura's reception in Japan.

Kishimoto infamously said that girls would come up to him to complain about Sakura and that he really struggled to make her likeable. But you don't need his statements to arrive at the conclusion that she is not well received.

Take a look at the Naruto Character popularity polls by Shounen Jump taken during the run of the manga.

Character Poll 1 , as of Chapter 60

1. Kakashi Hatake – 22,692 votes

2. Naruto Uzumaki – 16,729 votes

3. Sasuke Uchiha – 13,674 votes

4. Iruka Umino – 7,128 votes

5. Sakura Haruno – 3,055 votes

Naruto had just started to take off , with Team 7 being the main focus, yet look at the difference in votes for the members. Iruka, a character that barely appears overtook Sakura. What's ironic is that this will be the highest position she would ever receive because her popularity gets worse.

Character Poll 2 , as of Chapter 107

1. Naruto Uzumaki – 2,788 votes

2. Kakashi Hatake – 2,635 votes

.

14. Sakura Haruno – 359 votes

14th Position! Despite the fact she is from a trio of characters that are the most focused on. Not only the other Konoha rookies rank above her but even Gambunta ( the frog ) overtakes her.

In Character poll 3 , 4 ( chapter 199 ), 5 ( chapter 245 ), 6 ( chapter 292 ) and 7 ( chapter 531 ) her ranking becomes 9 , 10 , 8 , 12 and 12 respectively , while the other Team 7 members never leave Top 4. Characters with less panels and appearances repeatedly overtake her.

It is not an exaggeration to say that she was widely disliked as a main character. She has been repeatedly bashed, on Japanese online forums as well as by the author. ( more on this later )

All this of course doesn't mean that she doesn't have a fanbase, oh she has! a very loyal one and a particular kind at that . Women who love Sakura tend to be fans of Shoujo/Josei , something you can notice if you have come across SasuSaku artworks.

When Naruto ended , the majority of their comments were congratulating Sakura on her long one sided crush being finally reciprocated and how happy they were for her. Sasuke fans couldn't care less about the relationship as her character has hardly any effect on his story ( that is, until Gaiden came along and angered many people)

There is a noticeable difference in how JP artists portray their relationship in comparison to their western counterpart. The former portrays it as a 'puppy love' like between an idol and a fan. The appeal of the relationship comes from Sasuke, who is the classical male ideal and Sakura who is deeply ' loyal' to him , who then gets rewarded for it. It is one of the reasons why it only shot up in popularity post-ending.

On the other hand, the latter seems to believe that Sakura is Sasuke's equal, that she challenges and influences Sasuke, despite the fact that she becomes a doormat in front of him and according to Sakura's own words she couldn't come close to Sasuke's heart.

I have discussed why some Japanese fans like Sasuke/Sakura as it may appeal to their taste but these fans don't make much of the fanbase.

Case in point, one of the most hyped SasuSaku material i.e Sasuke Retsuden only managed to sell about 17k copies for the weeks it charted, in Comparison Naruto J Novels 1-7 sold about 470K when it was in circulation back in 2008.

Even the manga adaptation piggybacking on the anime couldn't even sell 40K copies for the first volume.

There was a time when Sasuke's name alone would be enough for a manga to sell out but the truth is that not only the majority of Naruto fans have moved on since 2015, even the loyal fans aren't interested in this content.

After Gaiden came out, Both Sakura and her relationship received harsh criticism, the 2channel threads kept bashing her and Kishimoto of the poor handling of the relationship.

Some of the snippets

"..with the release of Gaiden, the author just had worsened what was already bad. I guess he lost his willpower to write.”

“I was expecting before Sasuke and Sakura’s feelings would be shown in Gaiden but was edited out...because back time I thought I saw some spoilers that Sasuke and Sakura had gotten closer.

But now there’s no way there was some edit, no, this whole thing is a fucking lie.”

"A natural progress of loving, to slowly get accustomed and come to love someone, yeah I can’t imagine this with Sasu/Saku. Such extremely weird couple, how are they supposed to get used with each other over time? This is the vibe I get.

This relationship feels weird in my head, maybe I’m asking for too much to find a reason behind this.

But Kishimoto’s Sasu/Saku bonds is completely empty, I guess it’s funny that there’s nothing to add in it.”

"Sakura’s feelings is over the top terrible. She’s able to be happy with this..”

The thread is VERY long but you get the gist of it.

Fun fact : In 2015 Sasuke/Sakura was 6th most voted couple that should Break-Up by Japnese readers

Accusing others of not understanding their relationship because they apparently don't get their supposedly "culturally contextual relationship" is quite stupid and laughable because it's also hated by many Japanese people. It's only popular with a specific set of audience.

Which brings me to the other argument.

"Sasuke/Sakura is the most popular Naruto couple in Japan"

While this might be true today, it has not always been the case. Sasuke/Sakura shot in popularity post-Naruto ending while the most popular pairing throughout the run of the series (Sasuke/Naruto) declined. ( If anybody has the pixiv stats from 2012/13 , please feel free to add)

Take a look at this Naruto couple ranking list in Japan from 2012 ( the rankings are based on Google Japan results if I am not wrong)

サスナル (SasuNaru) —- 166,000 res.

ナルサス (NaruSasu) —- 78,400 res.

サスナルサス ( SasuNaruSasu) —- 244,400 res.

サスサク (SasuSaku) —- 54,700 res.

There's quite a large gap.

Even in 2016, 2 years after Naruto ended and many Sasuke/Naruto artists deleted their artworks or moved on from the fandom , it still rivaled SasuSaku in popularity on pixiv

SasuNaruSasu サスナルサス 9.502 works

SasuSaku サスサク 8.150 works

I will make a separate post for the Chinese Naruto fandom but they are very brutal against the Sasuke/Sakura relationship.

For other East Asian countries, I wrote about how SasuNaruSasu is the largest pairing in China with no close second . I am unfortunately not familiar with the Korean fandom.

This is the general sentiment there :

Sasuke married Sakura to atone for his sins

🤍 10 K

[lumineary-arts]

Saw you ask about ppls AUs uh

Most of mine, admittingly, don't have designs yet. At least not drawn ones. Oops!!

But I can like?? Still ramble ig?

I also have a swap AU! I haven't posted a lot ab it, but it's called Solver Shift.

In it I put Sam in Cyns place. So the DDs have pink accents (wasn't comfortable using Doll and making them red, despite barely drawing DD armbands anyways - personally at least)

Some places I'm still unsure about, like idk whether Khan and Nori should be direct swaps with Ron & Tessa or should be put in Tessas parents position. If I go the latter idk who to put in Tessas place lol.

Ron and Tessa weren't actually ever romantically involved. They were just best friends, and were like "well we live together, we both kinda wanna know what having kids is like. So let's raise one together"; insert Nuke (N) being built. Tess survived a few years into his life, they built Cyn and then yada yada you know the story - dead mom

If it wasn't obvious by Ns name, the rail gun gets replaced by explosives. Thank Cyn for that, it was her idea. (They both take canonverse Uzi her engineering skills, but Cyn takes the more unhinged aspect of the personality.) - Nuke was like "we gotta do something about the DDs but idk what!" And Cyn, sparkly eyed and all, was like "Let's blow them up!"

I need to figure out some episode stand ins seeing as Cyn is younger but still sticks to N like glue. Beau takes Dolls place, they'd be Similar in age to Cyn (aka I gotta give them a body design F)

Oh also, as for befriending the DDs -- whilst Ep1 would run similar to canon; after that Thad/T would bond faster with the siblings than Uzi/Z bc they keep their canonverse personalities mostly!! So that's a reverse. Also T wouldnt want to kill the Prom unlike V, he just genuinely wants to make friends 😭

Don't ask me why Beau is at the prom, being younger and all. Might just make it an all years general prom rather than just the graduating class.

Next AU yay

Blood & Bats is a Vampire/Human AU! DDS and Solver Drones are vampires, you get the gyst!

N & Cyn are bio siblings, got separated bc of a divorce. Eventually both were separately taken away for shitty parenting, one of which caused Cyn to get vampirism one way or another. She also has DID/OSDD1 in this AU, the Solver conciousness isn't an evil entity here, just s Persecutor under the definition of "Misguided Protector who hurts as a form of protection" -- they're basically just a terrified vampire kid who thinks they're a danger and thinks isolation is the only way to keep their lived ones safe.

At some point the Elliots adopt N, later Cyn too. They also have previously adopted V and J. As time goes on, the alphabet trio one by one get turned by Cyn/Solver but they catch her after that so Tessa never is turned.

Uzi is basically a half vampire. Her mom was one, her dad wasn't. I don't remember the details atm, but I assume I've posted them somewhere in the tag on my account, but iirc Khan killed Nori in a moment of shock and survival instinct when finding out. Uzi doesn't know this. She finds out later after being turned herself (on accident!) - either through N or Cyn. Might do N to draw a parallel to the miscommunication between ep 2 and 3. Bc yeah Uzi would assume it's on purpose and he broke a promise.

Once they fix things, she finds out about her dad killing her mom and she runs away from home, terrified he might kill her too -- she crashes at the siblings place OR Thads place. I'm not sure yet. Both have pros and cons.

Khan cant easily access the manor, needs to be at an event for it. But the parents would want Uzi OUT asap. On Thads end; Teacher (Thad and Lizzy are either step or half siblings idk yet) and Ron (uncle, moved in after his sister died to help with the kids!) Would not let Khan take Uzi home sending as they see her terrified. They don't know what happened. But Khan has easier access bc he's friends with Teacher and obviously Lizzy is there which Uzi isn't thrilled about.

That's as far as I can remember the storyline -- there would still be parallels to some episodes! Ep 4 would still happen! Just some would survive! Rebecca would be found by one of the alphabet trio and turned to save her life. She's wheelchair bound after that. Sam survives but everyone thinks he got too high and doesn't believe him when he talks rambling about Uzis vampire form (Becca keeps it secret bc like if she says something it by extension endangers the other vampires in the school which now includes herself)

Intertwined/Inteetwinjng Codes (Me when I keep going back and forth between both titles) is a next gen AU thing. It started off as a joke,,, oh well

Kids.

These little shits are twins, they started this whole rabbithole. They would boot up sometime after Ep 4.

Later on their parents would want to program another kid & adopt one. Invert Annika and Zagi, except unexpected thing happened and they now have two babies to upload. Insert Raven.

Annika is currently undergoing redesign, ignore how basic she looks compared to her siblings lol.

As for the last 2 kids -- they didn't WANT any more, but when being sent to another colony they run into this toddler with a baby, who are being attacked by other DDs so they step in. Whilst they argue with N, Uzi gets the kids to safety. They were gonna keep the kids at their place for that night but Olicia did NOT want to sleep in the same place as a DD & a ton of half DDs -- so Thad gets called at 3am 😭 hes the cool uncle to their kids so yk

Next day it turns out adoption wing is full, so the siblings get passed around Thad, Uzis dad and Nuzi a ton (their own colony got killed so they cant go back there) until Ray gets attached to Nuzi, and you shouldn't separate a baby from its bonded adults. Seeing as he already lost the code related parents, they didn't want to risk further hurting his programming. So the siblings were basically accidentally adopted by Nuzi, despite Olivia not being happy about it at first. But she didn't want to separate from Ray.

That's mostly that. Theres not too much lore tbh. Just a silly half joke AU.

Also I have 6 siblings IRL so I tend to like give my ship kids many siblings 😭 so ignore that fact lol, just projecting

Then theres like 3 more Cyn centric AUs.

2 are pretty small.

DD!Cyn AU that has no name yet is just the AS uploaded a copy of Cyn/the Base Drones conciousness into a DD body and kept her with the trio. That'll lead to major Identity crisis once Cyn realizes technically she's a clone and her memories aren't *hers*. Aside from that: Cyn and J constantly have beef bc of J abusing N, Cyn tries to get her to stop but just faces verbal abuse herself in return :(

Shes also pretty distrusting of Uzi at first bc like!! Nobody except Cyn ever spent time with N!! That's a Drone getting close to her big brother which possibly could hurt him in the long run if she turns out to be like the other teammates!! (She eventually warms up to her)

Then there is Trapped/Hivemind AU. Literally just Cyn trapped in the hivemind, unable to reach her body for control. She can HEAR the other Solver Drones and the DDs, as they're all part of the hivemind. But she can't communicate with them. No matter how hard she tries.

Especially when she hears N she will call out to him but not get a response

So shes probably on the brink of losing it

Then there is "Dormant" Absolute Solver

Originally it was gonna be "The AS lost interest in Cyn as a host" and ig it still kind of is correct-? I need to go back and forth between certain aspects lol

But long story short, Cyn now got a separate body from the AS, doesn't know it killed Tessa & comes to C9 with J & "Tessa". The AS just brought her as a tool to manipulate N with, but she doesn't know that. Cyn joins the group from ep 6 onwards. Yay more PTSD for the child I guess :)

I havent written out ep 6 yet but I think she'd be with N & "Tessa" for that part.

Ep 7 she ends up on the side of the rocks with Uzi, and walks at a distance after being told to basically F off bc Uzi doesn't trust her now but Cyn is scared to be alone. Uzi notices Cyn isn't okay tho.

(Varian tangled reference yay)

Might I add that seeing Uzis wings and tail in ep 6 would have majorly triggered Cyns PTSD but shes unaware of why she feels so scared. So seeing Uzis tail the whole time definitely adds onto the stress =)

During the fight Uzi would reach out to Cyn through the hivemind, both girls calling out to N through Cyns body. The AS doesn't like that and forcefully shuts Cyn down. It has admin rights over her after all.

By the time Cyn wakes up, the AS is grabbing her to blackmail N after just having eaten Doll. Talking about how he wouldnt want to hurt his baby sister (hes aiming his laser cannon at the AS for context). Then it gets bored, drops Cyn and the regular program ensures. Except Cyn took Tessas gun and shoots herself free from the tentacles and runs to the pit after seeing Nuzi be pulled in. Whilst shes there trying to figure out how to get them back up (seeing as she cant use her Solver on them, or at least not Uzi. The show us so unclear if it works on DDs or not) the scene goes on.

I'm not sure yet who Cyn will stick with, probably N bc I've more ideas. BUT also I'm waiting for episode 8 to decide that for sure. Same with the ending. I got multiple bad ending ideas and also a good ending :) ep 8 will determine which one will be canon :)

Oh yeah Cyn lol -- both new and old ref bc of the oil canister I didn't draw in the new one yet. She still has it as you can see by the oil tubes!

Also the Good!Ending DAS!N would run a Daycare post canon. IC!N also runs one. I just like having N work with kids.

Most of these (I think all except DD & Trappsd Cyn) are tagged on my account probably with some more info

Idk if the tags will show up tho bc they don't always for me when searching for them :(

My pinned post has the tags listed I think

I think that was all of them hm (istg if I forgot one 💀)

OKAY THIS ONE'S SUPER IN DEPTH I'M HEAVILY INTRIGUED. MULTIPLE AU'S DUDE!! I LOVE IT, KEEP EM COMING. Loving the ideas behind the swap AU. Putting Sam in Cyn's place is unique, I hadn't heard anyone do that before!! Also the thing about using pink is fair, I did use red but I didn't keep that in mind! A vampire AU's extremely fitting for Murder Drones, being a substitute for the Solver/Disassembly model. Since ep. 4 is my favorite, I love the fact it'd still play out here. Also I must say I REALLY like the next gen AU designs??? I actually kinda wish we saw more next gen stuff, or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. Either way I very specifically love Rexim and Raven's designs, I think the color choices are really speaking to me. ALSO ALL THE CYN FANS ARE GONNA BE EATING UP THE CYN-CENTRIC AU'S. But it seems like the poor girl could never catch a break. WONDERFUL WORK ALL AROUND!!

[actuallyadhd]

I don’t want to self diagnose but I am pretty sure I do have adhd just based on what I know about it and the fact that multiple of my friends with adhd have said it’s likely I do have it

the primary reason I don’t want to self diagnose is because I won’t know if I’m actually correct or not and I don’t think people would take me seriously

Sent October 1, 2024

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner, but I'm glad I'm here now! :)

First of all, self-diagnosis is absolutely valid. Most of us who get diagnosed as adolescents or adults basically have to do that in order to get a formal diagnosis!

The main practical problem with self-diagnosis is that it doesn't actually grant you any legal protections or supports. You don't qualify for accommodations at work or school, and disability discrimination legislation doesn't really apply.

I always say that if you're going to self-diagnose, try to state it as "I think I might have ADHD" rather than "I have ADHD"; the latter will cause people to assume that you have a formal diagnosis, while the former is more accurate and you can be confident knowing that you haven't accidentally misrepresented yourself.

Thing is, there are loads of reasons why a formal diagnosis isn't an option for you right now, and that is 100% okay! You may also benefit from others taking your ADHD symptoms into account, which is where the self-diagnosis can be helpful.

For example, years and years before I was diagnosed, I would do puzzle books during university lectures. I was listening to the lecture and taking notes, but I was also doing Sudoku (back when it was called Number Place in North American puzzle books). Some other students thought it was really rude of me to do that, but for me it was important to keep part of my brain engaged in the puzzles since otherwise I'd miss half the lecture due to daydreaming. If I'd known then what I know now, I could have explained why I needed to do the puzzle books during class, even without a formal diagnosis.

If you want to feel more confident about your self-diagnosis, check out our post on it as it includes all the info you need to do a good job!

Followers, what do you think about self-diagnosis?

-J

[eddie-brii]

So, I blame @dipperscavern for this. I was minding my own business and found the post about a firefighter au. I, as a paramedic and firefighter in RL, had to fulfill the now moral obligation to write this. AKA I wanted to picture Cregan Stark in a FD uniform and Bunker gear.

This is only a TEASER for a fic I'm calling Sirens and Hearts of Fire for right now. It will be a first responder Cregan Stark x first responder reader. I have a lot more to add until I'm done and, honestly? I'm already coming up with so many head cannons for this au!

Side note: if anyone has questions about what something means, please go ahead and message me. I will happily answer it. 😊

Please enjoy.

“Medic Short Shit! Please report for duty!” was shouted by a deep, northern accent across the fire bay.

“Shut the fuck up, Lieutenant Stark! Not everyone can be as tall as a fucking tree!” She shouted back from the back of the squad. She heard laughter ring out from the guys in the day room and had to roll her eyes.

She knew she was late to the morning meeting but the check off was almost done. When joining the Winterfell Fire Department two years ago after job opportunities dried up in the Stormlands she hadn’t quite pictured being this comfortable. Most of the major FDs were fully staffed and openings were fought over by a few dozen applicants. It was better just to relocate since she didn’t have any roots set down in Storm’s End. It was interesting to say the least. Most of the people she worked with were legacy fire with founding members in their family lines. The Starks, Velaryons and Targaryens being the most noted with five generations of firefighting.

She quickly checked the last cabinet and marked off in the book that it had everything it needed before putting away the binder by the airway seat. She huffed as she got out of the squad and hurried over to the meeting. Cregan and Jace were waiting at the door to the crew area of the station with a half grin on the latter’s face.

“Finally decided to join us, L.T. Spitfire?” Jace said, using the nickname the department had given her. He was clearly enjoying irritating her this early in the morning before coffee.

“Maybe if someone whose name starts with a J and ends with an Ace didn’t steal Luke away when he was supposed to be checking off the back up squad, truck check wouldn’t have taken so long. Besides, we both know Baela had a rough night on the Medic and there was a lot to restock.” She huffed as she moved passed them. She heard Cregan chuckle as she did, ignoring the shiver that wanted to go through her body at the sound. Cregan Stark was what every woman dreamed of when they thought about Firefighters. Strong, handsome, looked wonderful in and out of bunker gear. And he was entirely off limits in her opinion. Especially after she was told his longtime girlfriend, Arra, died in a car accident.

From what Baela had said they were going through EMT-basic class together when it happened. Cregan responded to the scene with the others on the engine and had been nearly inconsolable with she had been a DOA. He took close to a year off from the job as he tried to piece himself back together. His father and other department members finally managed to get him to come back not long before she joined. Needless to say, the crush which she developed on him went unspoken after she heard that, despite Baela swearing up and down it might be time to say something.

She waved to Chief Stark as she entered the kitchen and went to the coffee maker, pouring some into her favorite mug while ignoring the chuckles of the other crew members around the room.

“Squads up to par, Lieutenant?” Rickon asked, unbothered by her lateness to the group. She gave a thumbs up as she took her first drink of caffeine, the dark liquid already helping her perk up. She sat down next to Luke and Ben, the former giving her an apologetic look with a sheepish smile for leaving her by herself this morning. Ben was practically glued to his own mug as he looked over cardiac rhythms on his phone, trying to memorize them. Both had their books on the table for paramedic class. It was clearly leaving the two younger men haggard, and it was only going to get worse.

Chief clearing his throat tore her attention away from the guys and the chatter through the room quieted as everyone listened to assignments for the shift.

“Alright, now that everyone’s here let’s get started. Seat assignments are up on the board along with upcoming trainings. We need to wash the trucks today and keep an eye on them throughout the next few months before it gets too cold. Make sure they look good while we can.” Chief said. As he went through the morning debrief, he paused for a moment as he looked over some paperwork next to him.

“Pyke FD has also reached about having us join them for an open water rescue training in the coming months. Speak to Manderly if you’ve got questions or want to volunteer. We’d like to see a good level of participation as this is a good opportunity for the department.” At the chief’s words she blanched, she could almost hear the underline expectations for them to sign up for it. She remembered the last time they had to deal with Pyke and their members, one in particular coming to mind.

“I swear, if fucking Greyjoy starts his shit again…” she muttered under her breath, earning a few chuckles from around the room. She heard a displeased grunt from somewhere behind her but choose to ignore it. Chief shot her a look before shaking his head, continuing over some vehicle maintenance before finally dismissing the meeting and retreating to his office.

She sighed as drank her coffee, scrolling on her phone and barely paying attention to the different conversations that now filled the space as the crew started making breakfast. Mormont manning the stove while the others set out plates and silverware. She was finally brought out of it when Ben tapped her shoulder, a confused look on his face as he held out his phone.

“This is a second-degree heart block Mobitz type II, right?” He asked, the poor guy looked ready to pull his hair out at this point. She took pity on him, taking the phone and watching the rhythm before she answered.

“Yeah, you’re right. I think you’re finally getting the hang of cardiology, Ben.” The shy firefighter almost looked ready to let out a whoop, clearly happy he was getting over his biggest hurdle in class. Luke joined in the conversation, asking questions along with Ben about the hiccups he was having and asking about IV medications. After a while they were interrupted by Cregan and Jace sitting across from the trio, both setting down plates of food for everyone. Before long the rest of the crew had sat down to eat. Most of the conversation revolved around sports, new tools, and plans for the summer while they had good weather. She didn’t pay much attention to it while she ate, still annoyed at the idea of dealing with Dalton. She didn’t notice anyone trying to speak to her until a hand was smacked down on the table across from her.

“Earth to Spitfire, come in Spitfire,” Jace said dramatically while he leaned back.

“What, your highness?” she huffed when she came back to the conversation around her. She couldn’t help but notice that Cregan seemed on edge with whatever Jace had been talking about, his brows knitted together as he looked back and forth between them.

“So how are going to deal with Greyjoy this time around? I doubt he’s going to just give up after you told him off last time,” Jace pointed out before taking a bite of bacon. It was at this point Cregan set down his coffee mug, giving the brunet an exasperated look before he spoke.

“Chief said it’s voluntary, she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.” He said firmly, clearly as annoyed about the idea of seeing the Ironborn again as much as she was.

“Oh come on, Lt, you know when your dad says something about participation it always means he wants as many people to go as possible. I’ve already checked and it’s not our unit day so he will want to see us there,” Luke added in before he finished off his breakfast. He got up to take his and Ben’s dishes to the sink.

“I second that. You know he’s going to want to have as many of us there as possible. Plus, I don’t like the idea of not being there if something happens one of you guys. You know the Iron Isles are short on medics right now. Not ideal,” she reasoned. As much as she disliked the idea, she wasn’t going to possibly leave her guys without proper care.

“Be that as it may, I don’t think he’s going to blame you if you opt out of this one. He wasn’t exactly happy with how Dalton acted either after I told him. As an officer at Pyke, that was completely unprofessional of him.” Cregan’s argument made her stop mid-bite. She put her fork down as she tried to keep her sudden irritation down.

“What the hell do you mean you told chief?” she said as she narrowed for eyes at him.

“Easy Spitfire, it’s not what you think. It needed to be reported since it was at a training. Chief Blacktyde was grateful that we informed him of the misconduct of one of his officers and said he would handle it.” Cregan tried to calm her down before she went off on him, his hands raised slightly and an amused smirk tugging at his lips. She tried not to huff as she picked up her fork again and shoved some eggs in her mouth. She eyed him as she chewed before she swallowed her food down.

“While you have a point, it still would have been nice to know you told your dad about it,” she said begrudgingly, still annoyed but seeing his point. “Although, that means there should be no issue with me going to the training then, should there?” It was now Cregan’s turn to look irritated as she countered him. She hid her grin by taking another drink of her coffee when all he did was grunt in response. She noticed Jace giving Cregan a look that the lieutenant deliberately ignored while he continued eating. She didn’t think much of it at the time.

She finished off her coffee and breakfast before getting up to hand off the dishes to Locke at the sink. She nodded to the squad crew members that had finished their food as well, getting them up to get the trucks washed for the day.

As she went out into the bay and started heading towards the premiere squad, Luke and Darry went to fill the buckets. Ben grabbed the brushes as she pulled the truck out. Luke started to hose down the squad, wetting down the bright blue apparatus before two of them started scrubbing. Ben went to pull out the back up to be cleaned as well, the older truck a slightly darker shade of blue with an older department logo on the side. She still wasn’t quite used to the different colors they used in the North compared to the Stormlands, the southern region using different shades of yellow for their emergency vehicles. At least it wasn’t the green that the Reach had. She still couldn’t believe the lime green the Oldtown FD used for theirs.

The engine and rescue crews came out not too long after them, pulling out and getting started on their respective trucks. Soon the smell of car soap filled the air as the occasional shout was heard when someone accidently got sprayed with hose. She was silently cursing as she tried to scrub the bugs off of the top front of the squad. The splatter almost seeming baked on as her arms started to ache from the angle she had to hold the brush. She heard the sound of boots coming up behind but didn’t pay it any mind until she was suddenly lifted up onto someone’s shoulder.

“Cregan! Put me down!” She said as she tried to avoid hitting him with the handle of the brush for flailing. She found herself gripping his other shoulder with one hand as her torso was half leaned over his head to keep her balance. Once she was steady, she looked down at him like he was crazy.

“You looked like you needed some added height, Medic Short Shit,” he said with a chuckle, clearly unaffected by her weight.

“Don’t you have your own truck to wash?!” she said, trying to sound irate but didn’t quite succeed as a mix of panic and a touch of something else pitted in her belly. She sent a pleading look to the other guys but several of them held up their hands in surrender as they tried to keep from laughing at her predicament. She mouthed “traitor” to them as she kept a death grip on Cregan underneath her.

“It’s already done if you haven’t noticed. Now get to scrubbing, Luke needs to hose off the soap soon,” he said before readjusting his hold on her legs, securing her enough to make her loosen her hold on him. She grumbled as she carefully straitened up, beginning to clean the bug splatter off again as she slowly relaxed on his shoulder.

After she gotten off what she could, Cregan stepped back from the truck as Luke got to work. She passed off the brush to Darry before Stark slowly lowered her down. She breathed a sigh of relief as her feet finally touched the ground again and sagged back into Cregan as his arm came around her midsection to keep her steady.

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” He was grinning down at her, still find her reacting amusing.

“You know I don’t do roofs for a reason…,” she muttered. She wasn’t nearly as irritated as his hand on her hip distracted her but she wasn’t going to let him see that. Before he could say anything, Bolton took that opportunity to open his mouth.

“Hey lieutenant, you think you can stop flirting long enough to help get the bay swept out while it’s quiet?” At his words a collective groan came from everyone.

“Damnit Bolton! You know what that word does!” Locke said as he started to rush relaying hose.

“What? It’s not like it actu-,“ Bolton was cut off as the tones dropped for their station.

“Station 1, Station 1, need a squad to respond to 248 Arrow St for a male with chest pain. Time out 0823,” came across the station loudspeaker. Luke, Darry, and her already getting into the squad before the dispatcher finished.

[scotianostra]

July 13th 1900 saw the birth of Elizabeth “Bessie” Watson in Edinburgh.

Born just off the Grassmarket, at 11 The Vennel to Agnes Newton and Horatio Watson, Bessie did not take long to make her mark in the world, at the tender age of 9 she combined her two greatest loves: bagpiping and woman’s suffrage, the latter makes her arguably the youngest in Scotland, if not the world.

When she turned seven, Bessie’s aunt Margaret contracted tuberculosis – an incident which would change the youngster’s life forever. Margaret lived with the family, and Bessie’s parents, worried that she might fall ill to the contagious disease, encouraged her to take up the bagpipes in a bid to strengthen her weak lungs. Her first set of pipes was specially-produced according to her diminutive stature as she was too small to properly inflate an adult-sized bag. The half-sized set of pipes was purchased from Robertson’s pipe makers at 58 Grove Street. “I hurried home from school and carried it, in a brown paper parcel down to my (music) teacher”, Bessie recalled. As one of the very few female bagpipe players in the world at that time – not to mention one of the youngest – Bessie took to her new instrument with great enthusiasm.

Bessie had more than her bag pipe playing to make her worthy of a post here, while walking with her mother through the streets of Edinburgh, Scotland, Bessie stopped to look at the window of the Women’s Social and Political Union office. Bessie became excited about the idea of women receiving the right to vote, even though she wouldn’t be able to vote for many years.

Bessie realized that her talents could help promote votes for women. She would run from school each day to play her bagpipes outside of the Calton Jail in Edinburgh for fellow suffragettes in prison.

At the first suffrage pageant she performed at, she wore a sash with the words “Votes for Women” as she performed with her bagpipes. At the height of the suffragette movement, Bessie was playing at major demonstrations and parades for the Women’s Social and Political Union, including the famous procession through Edinburgh on 9th October 1909. On that day a large crowd watched as hundreds of banner-laden ladies, wearing the suffragist colours of purple, white and green, marched down Princes Street before congregating at Waverley Market for a rally led by Emmeline Pankhurst. Watson rode on a float beside a woman dressed as Isabella Duff, Countess of Buchan in her cage! Isabella is famed for crowning Robert the Bruce at Scone when he seized the Scottish crown, she was later captured with the Bruce family and held prisoner in a cage in the open air at Berwick for four years.

Back to oor Bessie, who just a ten year-old she travelled to London to play her bagpipes in a women’s march on June 17th, 1911. J ust a few weeks later, for George’s state visit to Edinburgh, Bessie, leading the 2nd Edinburgh Company of the Girl Guides, received recognition from the king himself as she raised her salute. Having secured regal acknowledgement in time for her 11th birthday, Scotland’s youngest female piper continued in her quest to support women’s rights, accompanying inmates bound for Holloway Prison to Waverley Station and playing the pipes as their trains departed.

For the part she played in Edinburgh’s historic women’s rights pageant of 1909, young Bessie received a special gift from one very prominent individual. Christabel Pankhurst (daughter of Emmeline) came to Edinburgh to address a meeting at the King’s Theatre and Bessie was invited to attend. During the evening she was presented with a brooch representing Queen Boadicea (Boudica) in her chariot, as a token of gratitude for her help in the pageant.

During WWI, Bessie was just a teenager and used her talents to make a difference in other ways. She began helping the Scots Guard to recruit army volunteers by playing her bagpipes

In 1926 Bessie moved with her parents to a new house on Clark Road, Trinity where she would remain for the rest of her days. Following her marriage to electrical contractor John Somerville at the end of the Second World War, Bessie devoted her life to teaching music and foreign languages. Former neighbours recall that, even into her late eighties, Bessie continued to play her bagpipes at 11am every morning. It was something she had always done.

Bessie died in 1992, two and a half weeks short of her 92nd birthday. Over the course of her long life she had experienced almost a century of social progression and upheaval, and had played her part in changing the world for the better.

A pictorial tribute was unveiled at The Vennel in Edinburgh on August 1st 2019 in memory of Bessie, the University of Edinburgh also have a lecture room named in her honour.

[abibeur]

On Hearts and Death

I remember having recently seen a few posts about how Cyn maybe sent the Disassembly Drones, aka drones with a few tools that help them easily kill and eat stuff, to (in addition to destroy the planet obviously) dispose of the two Solver-infected drones who were patched and thus out of the Solver's control while still retaining its powers.

I was also thinking about how it's funny that those two just "died" (half-died for Nori!) without anyone, not even the disassembly drones, even knowing they had Solver powers and all that.

But then I realised something: I think that, contrary to what some theories I've seen have said, Yeva is fully dead and, outside of a Deus ex machina (which is not impossible but oh well), will not return in the form of a Solver heart. We know, thanks to V, that she actually ate Doll's parents. And I think that, due to what is told in my first paragraph, V actually ate Yeva's heart. Like 1) if she really had survived as a Heart, don't you think she would have tried to contact Nori (or well, if the latter "died", don't you think she would have tried to contact Yeva)? They probably trusted each other more than their respective husbands, they knew each other's secrets (namely having been experimented on lmao), so I'm really doubtful that if Yeva also became a heart she wouldn't have let Nori know, and 2) V described Yeva and her husband's "taste" to "not even be that good". I think she may have really eaten Yeva's heart and that's what tasting bad. Eating what is powering and keeping her alive must not be that good, does it?

But on the other hand, we know that Nori wasn't eaten by the drones, but stung. So as it was Khan who "killed" her to put her out of her misery, her heart was perfectly fine and could escape her body to search for the patch. And also she didn't have the disassembly drones' technology they have inside them, so contrary to J whose heart was trying to repair the body, she was just a host separated from the Solver so she couldn't make a new one (or at least I think? I don't really know what would happen if she was to enter a new body... Maybe she just liked her heart form, seeing her interests it might not be that far-fetched...).

Just some thoughts!

[uwmspeccoll]

Milestone Monday

February 5th marks the anniversary of the discovery of the largest alluvial gold nugget in history, known as “Welcome Stranger.” The nugget was found in 1869 by miners John Deason and Richard Oates just outside of Dunolly, Australia. It weighed just under 193 pounds earning the miners roughly £9,381 (equivalent to around A$743,000 today). A little over 8,000 miles away, California was winding down its famed gold rush that forever altered the area’s landscape, societal growth, and indigenous communities.  

California Gold Rush Camps: A Keepsake in Fourteen Parts published in 1998 by The Book Club of California documents the lives of miners and the camps that shaped California in the latter half of the 1800s. The keepsake contains fourteen folders, each highlighting the history of a camp that played a notable role in the gold rush. The text is accompanied by color illustrations from Life Among the Miners published by Hutchings & Rosenfield in 1854, sketches published in local magazines and newspapers, lithographs, and a daguerreotype. The series was edited by Robert J. Chandler and designed and printed by Patrick Reagh Printers, Inc. 

In alignment with their commitment to sharing California history, The Book Club of California presented portions of this publication at the 1998 Western History Association annual meeting. California Gold Rush Camps: A Keepsake in Fourteen Parts is part of an extensive collection of The Book Club of California materials held within Special Collections. This book is another gift from our friend Jerry Buff.

View other posts on gold mining.

Read other Milestone Monday posts here! 

– Jenna, Special Collections Graduate Intern 

[ja-khajay]

Tagged by @ervona to post about 5 songs I've been listening to lately! Making a little mix and match playlist based on the half dozen tracks on my phone and songs I've recently discovered. I will detail a bit about each under the cut :)

Nouar - Cheika Rimitti (rai)

Twilight of the Thunder god - Amon Amarth (metal)

What's Golden - Jurassic 5 (hiphop)

Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel (pop)

Potions - Puscifer (? rock ?)

NOUAR

A few months ago, the combination of discovering a rai playlist on Spotify based on an artist I listen to with friends and another discovery of a radio station that exclusively plays north african and middle eastern music, the latter which became my go-to listen on the way from work for a while, I discovered this specific track. It's a huge niche hit, unknown to the general public but racking up in the millions of views online among fans of the genre and it's easy to see why! This is an absolutely hypnotic track which cleverly layers it's intrument with a catchy sung melody, periodically cut by the rythmic choir repeating its title. The main singer in the dialog has an outstanding voice and this all makes for a looping, hooking listening experience that makes you want to play it forever.

Twilight of the Thunder God

In a very different vibe, we have a track that perfectly matches it's overdesigned, historically based (yet inaccurate) cheesy madness of an album cover. This is the only song if this band I'm familiar with as a big hit. Power metal is among some of my favorite genres of music of all time, especially in it's overbearing energy and gratuitous use of double-pedals on the kick drum, fast bass and general theatrics. While I'm not a fan of growled vocals, this track compensates in my mind with one of THE catchiest hooks I know of in the genre. When I listen to TofTG, it's because I suddently remember it one day and get instantly compelled to download it on my phone and scream its lyrics at the sky until it leaves my head where it's stuck. This can take weeks...

What's Golden

Yet another radio discovery! I'm shamefully bad at hiphop, despite liking the genre a lot, no-one around me listened to it for ages so I don't have similar backlog as in other genres and as such as a grown adult am discovering it all with enthusiasm. This song sums up so many aspects I love in the genre which i'll definitly be using to nail what specific sub-genres are my favorite some day... catchy with a great flow and an instrumental that hooks you, it's impossible to not nod along to the beat and drop what I'm doing to listen to the full thing when it comes up on my playlist.

Sledgehammer

Yeah yeah it's a classic you all know it. And for a reason! This is one of, if not the only song I know which I can't separate from it's music video. I typically dislike MVs and prefer listening to music in pure audio format, but Sledgehammer comes with such a well crafted, wlel synched and creative film attached that it's always playing in my head when I hear it. This song was introduced to me by a mutual a few years ago which I'll be tagging in this post later as a thank you! I don't get its appeal as a dancey song, but it's definitly a track to dramatically walk to, which is probably the appeal the rest of this site sees in Once in a Lifetime...

Potions

For the nerds in the audience, this is a Reznor and Maynard collab so you know what you're getting into. The first thing that strikes me in this track is how loud the bass is - it turns the classic rock instrumental it's made from into something else that's just slightly overwhelming. And on top of that, very delicate vocals detail a raw, simple story of love and addiction. Where I chose this song above the many others of the band I'd been listening to a lot last month is this particular theme it has fits very well with a book series I'm reading right now, and it was easy for me to let my mind fly away with it on...:)

***

Runner ups: The Shame Of Life - Butthole Surfers / Ai vist to Lop - Mont-Jòia / Feuer Frei! - Rammstein / For me, Formidable - Charles Aznavour / It Mek - Desmond Dekker & the Aces

***

Tagging, your turn! @steamclouds @prolibytherium @internationalspacehobo @paristonhilll

[theshamelesssimp]

Caroline as a Wolf then Hybrid WIP!

Disclaimer: It has been been over five years since I have watched The Vampire Diaries and I haven't even seen The Originals so if I get things wrong or these characters seem OOC I'm sorry, I'm a master procrastinator and I only rewatched the first episode and a half of The Vampire Diaries a little under a month ago. So don't hold your expectations too high now. This is just a draft, it isn't completed, I am planning on it being longer than this since I want to get her first transformation, cute little moments with her and Klaus as wolves, etc., in this so, yeah. Also, i was going to post this draft sooner but it was so helpfully deleted so I had to remember what wrote from before.

Caroline walked out of the Grill, eyes focused on her phone as she made her way to her car. She sent a text to every cheerleader reminding them that they had practice after school on Monday and to let her know in advance if the couldn't make it. She hated making last minute changes to her plans, after all.

As she pressed send on the text she felt a hand grab her elbow and pull her into an an alleyway. She blinked, slightly disoriented and focused on the man in front of her. He was wearing a hoodie so she couldn't see his face all that well and he was a couple of inches taller than her with his build being on the bigger side.

He glared at her as he still held her by her arm. "Give me your money."

Caroline gave him a nasty look before scoffing and rolling her eyes. "I don't think so."

She shook off his arm and started heading towards the entrance of the alleyway just for him to grab her again, only this time he slammed her back into the wall. Caroline groaned at the pain she felt and open her mouth to snark at him but stopped herself when she felt something sharp press against her neck.

The man glared at her harsher this time. "I said give me your money."

Caroline hesitantly looked down and froze in fear when she saw the blade of a pocket knife press against her throat. Out of instinct, she quickly pushed him back with a strength she never knew she had and witnessed him stumble back and trip on his own feet. Time slowed down as she saw him fall back and hit his head on the dumpster with sickening crack.

Seconds have passed as her breath grew shaky and her hands became sweaty, staring wide eyed at the man who's eyes had become glossed over. She didn't see him move and ran over to him, kneeling down to put two fingers on his pulse, desperate to find it still beating. "No, no, no, please..." She begged.

When she felt nothing she removed her hand from his neck and it flew up to her face to cover her mouth as she let out a small gasp, tears blurring her vision when she realized that she just killed someone. Her breathing grew heavier and she frantically got up before looking around to see if anyone saw her.

Caroline found herself panicking, making stressed sounds and pacing around with her hands in her hair.

This couldn't be happening, what was she supposed to do? What if someone sees her? Why did this happen to her?

She had tears streaming down her face as she brought her trembling hands down and scrolling through the contacts on her phone before pushing on her mother's number.

She held the phone up to her ear, shaking as it went to voice mail and trying again. "C'mon, please answer the phone."

By the third call she heard it go through and the voice of her mother answered.

The latter sighing before talking, unaware of the predicament her daughter was in. "Caroline, you know not to call me when I'm on duty."

Caroline whimpered into the phone before she started weeping, her voice small as she spoke. "Mommy..."

The Sheriff froze before straightening her back and hardening her eyes. "Caroline, what's wrong."

"I–I didn't mean too, I–I promise. He j–just came out o–of nowhere and h–he..." She swallowed, looking at the dead body before snapping her eyes shut, her tone fearful as she continued. "He pulled m–me into the a–alleyway beside the Grill and h–held a knife to my throat and I–I panicked, I didn't know this w–would happen." She rambled unsteadily. "Please don't be mad a–at me."

Liz attempted to calm her daughter. "It's okay, Caroline." Liz gripped her phone tightly. "I'll be right there so stay where you are."

I'll probably post this here and on AO3 if I finish it so...yeah. I don't mind constructive criticism if you want to give that, just don't be rude about it.

[zwy01]

Raegyn doodles!

Yaaaaaaa giving my snarky smartass boy some love.

This is my OC, Raegyn Kertia! He is Regis and Rael’s son, and the latter’s heir.

I haven’t gone in depth with his backstory yet, so I figured I could do that lol. He’s one of my 15 “main” characters of my Millennium AU and his full bio is up in my pinned post.

I’ll be mentioning some other names in here too so to quickly recap, Raegyn is the older one of the two Regis/Rael kids and his full-sibling and younger sister is Arya K. Landegre. (Raegyn has three half-siblings, with his elder half-brother Kaelestis Blerster on Rael’s side, and younger half-brother Garyth J. Loyard and younger half-sister Alethea J. Loyard on Regis’ side.) Raegyn has a pretty good relationship with his loving family, buuut it wasn’t always like that, which is the fun part I’m getting to later. Woo!

Raegyn is a really interesting one and I had so much fun making his design and I can’t wait to dive into his story in detail. Let’s get started yaaa! My beloved Ray’s (almost) full backstory.

So we already know that Raegyn is the smartest and most popular of his generation. The star of the show, the center of attention, Lukedonia’s local celebrity… the number one guy. Loved by all, respected by all. Everyone wants to be his friend, maybe even competing with each other for his attention. People constantly shower him with admiration. It’s like he’s walking on the red carpet wherever he goes. People just can’t get enough of him. It’s always “how is Raegyn?”, “what is Raegyn doing today?”, and “I need Raegyn’s advice, where can I find him?”… etc. People are always saying his name, and frankly, he enjoys the attention he receives. Sometimes he thinks it’s funny how he’s not the Lord yet he arguably gets more enthusiasm from the general population than she does. Hah. Hilarious.

Raegyn’s just so lucky, isn’t he? He’s got the brains, a radiating confidence, an irresistible charm, a loving family, and a literal empire of friends… if life is a giant lottery then he had already won it all. Life can’t possibly get better than what it is now, can it? Well, for Raegyn, life is good indeed. Very good.

Everything he has ever wanted gets handed to him easily. If not, he just needs a minute to work it out in his head and say a little something to make the other person give in, and it works every single time even when his requests are obviously beyond reasonable. Basically, Raegyn knows how to use his thinking skills and his natural charm to his complete advantage. Thus life is easy for him.

But because everything comes so easily, life… is also boring. There was nothing to surprise him, to make him go “well that was fresh”. Now what? Life is predictable and repetitive, at least from his experience, because he is so capable of fine tuning things and people to be the way he wants. And the thing is Raegyn does like to be in control of every precise detail in his life, so he would rather have life be a bit boring than to give up on steering everything in his direction. Sometime in his early childhood, he had a single taste of being in control, and he has been hooked ever since. To lose that control would be a big no-no for him. Frankly, without it, he probably has little idea of how to actually live life as it is, which is letting things naturally unfold without his intervention. Yeah. He’d actually physically cringe if he had to stay idle.

This leads to my next point, which is Raegyn’s childhood. Oh boy. How do I even begin. Raegyn is the first child between Regis and Rael, but he’s not Rael first child. Rael is the soul fragment donor of Karias’ heir Kaelestis, who is Raegyn’s elder half-brother. This means Kaelestis is technically Rael’s first child, though the latter is merely a donor in both title and practice. Despite that, Rael was very much involved in Kaelestis’ early childhood as an adult figure, a mentor etc. Kaelestis adored his donor “other parent”, and Rael loved his sweet Blerster boy very much. Donor and son were close and made wonderful memories together, which led to Rael becoming very excited to have his own heir. Maybe even the exact reason why Raegyn was born not very long after Rael and Karias had Kaelestis. (Raegyn was born when Kaelestis was the equivalent of a 6-8 year old human) Rael was more than ecstatic to bond with his second son, his beloved heir, the light of his life. He loved his little boy with all his heart and he couldn’t wait to experience the joy of parenting. He was certain that it was going to be great.

Eeeexcept it didn’t go quite as Rael had expected. Uh oh. The fact that Raegyn didn’t automatically love Rael wasn’t even the worst part about it. Raegyn seemed to despise him. This hurt Rael very much, as he didn’t understand why his heir didn’t want anything to do with him. Raegyn resisted being communicated with telepathically, ignored words spoken at him, never responded to questions, looked away when being looked at, and squirmed with all his strength when any adult tried to hold him. At one point Rael gave up on trying to read Raegyn’s mind because he would find some… not so nice things Raegyn had to say about him, and he didn’t need to break his own heart any further. Rael didn’t know what he had done wrong, if anything. He had already gained experience as a parent from his time with Kaelestis; he learned how to be around kids, what to do and what not to do, and in general just how to handle them. He just couldn’t get his second son to like him. Something is wrong here. Kaelestis was fine with him, then why doesn’t Raegyn like him? And it wasn’t just Rael. Regis was also very puzzled by their son’s behavior, as Raegyn seemed to actively resist him as well. Regis tried to comfort his husband by telling him to not take it personally, because Raegyn… well, he disliked everyone equally. Rael was not convinced at all. Rip. At least Regis tried.

And so this went on for a while, until by complete chance a very tired Regis chuckled something along the lines of “You know what, child? Your behavior isn’t helpful in the slightest, and your father and I are having a hard time. Here, why don’t we make a deal so all of us get the most out of it while we’re still living in the same house?” Boom. That was it. The correct answer. To both his parents’ surprise, Raegyn actually responded. He turned around, stared at his fathers in the eyes, and said “Only if you have something good enough to offer. Just so you know, I won’t settle for less. Very well, Rael Kertia and Regis K. Landegre. Convince me.” Regis swore he heard Rael’s jaw drop to the floor, and he himself was speechless. So their son was capable of communicating with them after all, it’s just that he never did simply because he didn’t want to. The two of them came to the conclusion that their son didn’t like being treated like a child, and they were using the wrong approach the entire time. Regis and Rael thought they were doing the right thing, but they were quite mistaken, as their son needed to be treated as an adult, basically as their equal. None of that kiddie talk, mushy coddling, nonstop love smothering… nope. Interact with him like they would with any other adult? Yep, that got Raegyn talking and assured that they would get milder and even positive responses from him.

That’s when Regis and Rael realized that Raegyn was different, even if they can’t put their finger on it. It was a mix of surprise and curiosity. As impressive as it was, they couldn’t help but feel uncanny. Maybe they were even a bit reluctant to admit that they were uneasy, but Raegyn was their son after all, and they didn’t want to overthink it. I mean, this kid’s first (spoken) words were him trying to bargain with his parents. Maybe their son was just being funny and pranking them all along. They laughed it off, no big deal, all while still keeping an eye out for their unusual kid. From then on they’d modify their approach with their son and things changed for the better and Rael was finally able to bond with Raegyn, though not quite in the way he had expected. Anything is better than nothing, so Rael has no complaints. He might as well beg his son for attention if he really is that desperate.

What about from Raegyn’s perspective? Well, unfortunately, Raegyn wasn’t being funny nor was he pulling pranks on his parents. He was dead serious. He was no ordinary child, and he hated being treated as one. To Raegyn, his parents and the other adults treating him like a baby was a direct insult because he thought the adults were messing with him. That’s correct. Raegyn believed that the adults somehow conspired together and formed a sort of mutual agreement between them where they all treat him like he doesn’t know any better because they think he’s too dumb or something. It wasn’t until later, when Raegyn eventually realized that he himself was the outlier, the odd one out, not them. The adults handled him like they would with any normal noble child. Still, Raegyn disliked it, and it felt disturbing to him. In his eyes, it was like some sort of shallow game of pretend, ill humor that he can never bring himself to appreciate.

That’s why Raegyn purposely ignored the adults even when they demanded his attention, because why on earth would he respond to their silly games? That would just be positive reinforcement and they’d force that shit on him even more. But being the extremely smart kid he is, he is aware of his own gains and losses. He knew he didn’t want to pretend to be a normal kid, he didn’t want to copy their mannerisms just so he could fit in, because that just isn’t him. Blegh. Gross. Reducing himself to their level…nuh uh. But he also figured out that pretending to be one gets him what he wants. To be precise, when Raegyn is his usual self, the adults feel uncanny and have mixed reactions. On the contrary… when he pretends to be normal, they react very positively. Isn’t that weird. Turns out adults like cute kids that act like kids instead of kids that make them uncomfortable by acting way beyond their age.

So Raegyn adapts. Inquire about their day, be enthusiastic and beg to be allowed to tag along, maybe even cry some fake tears when they say no until they say yes. Smile at them and watch them sign boring paperwork all day. Fake interest in their tedious gardening tasks, patrol duty, anything the adults were up to. And when that’s done, ask for new toys and clothes. That shiny ruby brooch? Pout and say you like it very much and want to have it, and Clan Leader is the best dad in the world because he gets what Rayray wants. And with that, maybe a matching bow tie. And a matching silk shirt. And a matching fur coat. You get it. It didn’t take long for Raegyn to master the art of acting and now he’s got everyone wrapped around his little finger. That’s where the fake smiling and enthusiasm began, and he never stopped ever since. Regis and Rael were happy for their little boy, because he finally acted more like a normal child. But deep down they knew he is an outlier, as they had been dealing with his true self until now. They didn’t understand why Raegyn seemingly became normal overnight, but to question that would be useless. Well… at least Raegyn looked like he’s finally enjoying himself now, and that’s a good thing, right? Deep down, they knew something was up. Obviously there was a reason for Raegyn’s sudden behavioral change, but to investigate it would break Raegyn’s trust so ultimately they did nothing and hoped for the best. For Raegyn’s future, and their future together as a family.

Raegyn’s always constantly evolving depending on who he’s dealing with. By the time he was around the equivalent of a 10 year old human, his false persona is such an integral part of his life, he never goes outside without this metaphorical mask. Despite Raegyn’s success at adapting himself into society in the present day, his childhood was a difficult one, at least in the very beginning. It did get better as he got older, but fundamentally, he is still the same on the inside. Raegyn hated how things were structured and the expectations he was obligated to fulfill. Raegyn didn’t understand why he was automatically expected to give his parents his unconditional love, respect, and attention just because they were the cause of his birth and entire existence. That’s the reason? Wow. He never asked to be born, not that he minds existing or anything, but more so it was just weird to him how now he’s permanently stuck with two adults who are way too obsessed with him for their own good, and he won’t be able to get away from them for centuries. His parents got sad when he didn’t respond to them, especially Rael. What did they expect anyway? To Raegyn, things like respect and love had to be earned, and no one automatically deserves it just because of “family” or whatever shallow term they use. And this applies to his own parents as well. If Regis and Rael wanted him to obey and love them, then they have to earn it, and prove themselves worthy. To Raegyn, even if they are his parents, they’re just like any other person out there. They were strangers he couldn’t separate himself from. The point is Raegyn isn’t purposely trying to distance himself from his parents specifically; that’s just how his brain works.

The good news is Raegyn eventually does develop genuine love for his family, which happens during his childhood. It’s true that Raegyn had his doubts about unconditional love and whether that even existed or not, but being the smart person he is, he did pick up on his parents’ love for him. They genuinely care about him, and he… appreciates that. So they were being serious this whole time. Raegyn, who is always right, was wrong, for the first time in his life. Raegyn was finally defeated, in a good sense. It feels good to be loved. But as much as Raegyn was impressed, he was also bothered by something. He was touched by Regis and Rael’s sincerity, and for that he is grateful, but something felt off. That’s when Raegyn realized he was feeling guilt for the very first time, for everything he had done to his parents. To this day, guilt remains the only emotion Raegyn can immediately and correctly identify, which is something I will bring up later. Every other emotion, even the positive ones, he has to think about it.

For the most part, Raegyn is neutral. Even when his little sister Arya was born, he didn’t feel anything. She was just another being he had to live with from now on, just because they share the same parents. Not only was he expected to tolerate her, he was supposed to take care of her. Ick. Luckily Raegyn does develop a genuine bond with Arya, even if it took a long time. They are close as siblings, and Regis and Rael? They were super relieved that Raegyn seemed to accept his little sister immediately, and even more relieved that Arya was a normal child with normal development. To be honest, Regis and Rael were nervous about having their second child aka Regis’ heir because they were afraid that Raegyn would react negatively. Surprise surprise, he didn’t. That is character development right there, from resisting his own parents to welcoming a new sibling with open arms. The truth is Raegyn simply made an effort to prevent his true apathetic self from seeping out because he didn’t want to ruin the moment for his parents. If he were to be honest, well… he couldn’t care less if Arya vanished into thin air on the spot. Raegyn only did it because he didn’t want that feeling called “guilt” to bother him for years to come, so he might as well be nice. Even if Raegyn’s goodwill didn’t stem from true consideration, it was still a massive improvement. He is still learning, but he is getting there… right? Only he knows.

To say that Raegyn doesn’t doubt his relationship with his family anymore, and that he trusts them unconditionally, would be a lie. His parents would die for him, and his sister adores him. He’s sure of that. But on second thought… do they really? This is how Raegyn falls into the perpetual cycle of questioning himself. That’s why he is so conflicted. He feels guilty because he is doubting those he should trust the most, and then he decides to give them his complete trust in order to get rid of that sense of guilt he got from doubting them in the first place, and finally ending it by rescinding that trust because he realizes he was foolish enough to trust anyone but himself. Rinse and repeat. Then again he overthinks it because he just can’t help it. This entire ordeal bothers him, and he would never admit it. In the long run, Raegyn overthinking things would go on to hurt his own ability to make meaningful relationships with people, and that is something I will bring up later.

Now onto the last bits of Raegyn’s childhood before I move to the time skip. I want to mention Raegyn’s relationship with his peers too. Ever since Raegyn’s birth, he has been silently watching and judging everything and everyone. He could be minding his own business, but his eyes were always looking at something. Even if he didn’t want to be a part of whatever the other kids were doing, he wanted to know what’s up, so he observes them from a distance. And he was always disappointed, of course. I mean, this is Raegyn, why wouldn’t he?

They weren’t bright enough to hold an interesting conversation with Raegyn. They got bored, whined, fidgeted, or fell asleep when he wanted to talk about a very long and obscure piece of ancient Lukedonian history that he recently taught himself. Or that time when all the kids just got up and left, when he promised them he was bringing “something super valuable” to their next “playdate”, and everyone expected a treasure map or something and instead Raegyn rolled out a five meter long checklist on how Lukedonian laws can be improved. Raegyn is, of course, very offended. This is his ideal vision of a playdate, after all, because playing means having fun. And this really is what Raegyn thinks is FUN. And his peers? Raegan’s giving up on them. They’re all under-qualified. Every single one of them. Too slow, too dim. Too hyper, too lazy. Too impulsive, too cowardly, etc. They weren’t worth his time, and to spend an extra minute with them was a waste of his energy. Thus Raegyn was a lonely child. He was surrounded by people, yet he didn’t like their company. He didn’t enjoy what they had to offer, yet he couldn’t fit in as himself either.

Raegyn wanted something else. Something more grand, more controversial; something that shakes the very foundation of noble society. History, philosophy, ethics, anything really. The deeper it is, the better. Sometimes even the more taboo, the better, as he likes a good challenge. He wants to hang out with someone who has the capacity to prove him wrong, and reaaaaally force him to get those brain cells working. A good, long debate is more thrilling than the best spar. He needed someone to share that joy of thinking with, someone who truly resonates with his passions. An intellectual soulmate basically. Just a reminder that Raegyn is still the human equivalent of an elementary school kid at this point. He already knew what he wanted in a friend, which is someone who can really match his wavelength, yet this person simply didn’t exist. Raegyn was frustrated. And the thing is Raegyn is an extrovert by nature so he does need a decent amount of socializing to stay healthy emotionally, except there’s no one at his caliber to keep him in company where he genuinely feels fulfilled. This is where things get complicated, and Raegyn is conflicted. He needed that company, but he couldn’t find the right people despite his best efforts. Raegyn was lonely, and his fathers noticed how their son would just slouch and sigh all day.

This would lead to Regis and Rael insisting on Raegyn hanging out with the other kids, because there must be something they can bond over, right…? What they weren’t aware of was how Raegyn was simply at the top, and his loneliness couldn’t be solved with a simple solution, if at all. What about Raegyn? Well, he knew that obeying his parents would cause him less trouble than resisting them, so he obliged. If it makes his fathers happy to see him happy then… he’s willing to pretend to get along with the others for as long as his sanity remains.

So what happened was Raegyn put aside his desire to talk about great subjects and deep matters, and simply went with the flow. He pretended to enjoy their tea parties, tree climbing, fishing, wrestling, etc. It was all so boring and tedious. And then it hit him. Hey… they didn’t whine and run away this time. They reacted quite positively when he pretended to be interested in their shallow activities. They even invited him back. Now that was easy, wasn’t it? Raegyn remembered the tactics he used on his parents and the adults. If he could manipulate them, maybe he could do it to his peers. He did crave that social interaction, and even if what was available to him wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy him, it was still better than nothing.

And even if he honestly wasn’t interested in his peers and what they were doing, the principle of making and having friends wasn’t bad at all. Raegyn already knew that if he made an effort to someone, they would reciprocate it. Take that, and times one thousand, maybe even more. If he shall pretend to be friendly to one person, might as well do it to everyone, because the amount of effort he has to make is the same anyway. And you never know when having a bunch of friends is useful. Who knows. He could get some of them to run errands for him. Give him their things. Tell him useful secrets and information that they shouldn’t be spilling. Maybe one of them will even be willing to die for him. Neat. And this is when Raegyn decided to go all out, and there he established his signature false persona of a friendly, enthusiastic, altruistic, diplomatic, insightful and responsible Kertia heir. He calculated his potential gains, and his conclusion was that the pros outnumbered the cons and this was the way to go. Not only could he impress his parents, but he could also get himself an empire of friends that might become useful to him. Surely this is a better alternative to wandering around aimlessly trying to find his own match. Now he could aim to climb to the top AND find his own match at the same time, sweet! Kiddie Raegyn is tapping into his ambitious side, how wonderful.

(FYI Izar does come up later on but that dude is only interested in math and astronomy, which isn’t enough for Raegyn. And there is an age gap between the two of them: Raegyn is roughly 200-400 years older than the traitor clan kids group so Raegyn was already an adult by the time Izar came into existence. And I say “roughly” because nothing with the ages are set in stone and I’d like it to be flexible so that’s just approximations for context. Anyways)

Yayyyy. Fast forward to Raegyn in the present day as a young adult.

Raegyn’s reputation is perfect. He is perfect. His ambitious childhood goal was to make everyone love him, aaaaand he 100% succeeded. People knew his name, and you could bet that at any given moment, someone in Lukedonia is talking about him, praising him for everything he has done. He’s the big shot. No one would ever guess that behind the glorious, radiating light of his persona hides a cold and apathetic true self. He worked hard to get to where he is today, and he isn’t going to admit to everyone he’s been lying this whole time because that would be throwing his merits away. He has his empire of friends, why would he give up on that? They love him for his false persona, then so be it. He’ll keep it up until he dies.

Part of him legitimately believes that his gains are worth it, and part of him feels like he has gone too far to go back. As much as Raegyn would hate to admit it, he isn’t quite sure who he would be without his false persona. As in, he is afraid to know what will become of him, what will remain of him if he is left alone with his true self. Which is funny because for a person whose hobby is thinking, he doesn’t want to think about that. In a way he is running way from himself, and he knows he feels slightly uncomfortable because fundamentally, that isn’t what he wants. But all these years he couldn’t find his match, nor did Lukedonia have anything else to offer to satisfy someone of his intellectual level. He was losing his patience, but there was nothing he could do. Raegyn never forgot his true self, and he never abandoned it either; he is just suppressing it… to the best of his ability. His vision of a fulfilling life wasn’t realistic, at least from his perspective, so he turned to what he is doing now. He has many, many friends, but no one whom he truly bonds with. He owns many things and people also keep giving him things, yet he has no use for them and isn’t interested in them either. Raegyn started to feel restless. Despite that, he made sure that side of him never showed, to not worry his family, and because he is also too prideful to admit that he’s sick of it too.

That’s when Raegyn discovers a new method of entertainment. He is a nice guy, right? Everyone loves him, that’s a fact. They didn’t know that he had been silently judging them, being nice on the surface and saying mean things about them in his head at the same time. Raegyn needed a new rush of fun. Something fresh to make him feel excited again.

And then… yeah. Raegyn sets his next goal as “seeing how far he can discreetly push people’s buttons without getting into real trouble”. Only a few individuals have his complete respect therefore excluded from his list of “people I can smartass” list… and for the rest of them? They’re all there for his amusement. Even Lord Raskreia.

Oh yeah, her. Remember how I mentioned that Raegyn only believes in authority that is earned? Well, he’s one of the nobles who believe that Raskreia is incompetent. In his eyes she is not qualified to sit on the throne. Too dependent on her feelings, too stubborn, too impulsive… he could go on forever. If it weren’t for the Previous Lord, she wouldn’t even be sitting there on the throne. Raegyn thinks he’s a better candidate for the position of Lord than her. Maybe even the best candidate. Too bad Raegyn isn’t interested in becoming Lord, even if he is curious about the idea of what it is like for him to become Lord. Real life Lord? No thank you. Too many responsibilities, bleh. He wanted to have fun without responsibility, and being Lord would mean having all sources of his entertainment cut off. And his own clan, the Kertia, and Grandia, are pretty cool so… you’re welcome. Meanwhile he can just judge her from the side and keep testing her discreetly to see how smart she is. Which is even funnier because Raegyn should fear Raskreia, as she is his Lord. But just as much as he believes authority should be earned, the fear that comes with authority should also be earned. And Raskreia doesn’t even qualify for that from Raegyn’s perspective. She doesn’t deserve his loyalty. (His cousin Reiner does, which I will explain in a future post where I highlight the cousins’ relationship with one another)

Anyways. Despite Raegyn’s false friendliness and hidden apathy, he does encounter people who genuinely want to connect with him in the midst of him fooling around with his celebrity persona. He is aware that most people love him for the show he puts on, and he’s fine with that. But every now and then there would be someone who wants to know more about him. Someone who doesn’t just want to know Raegyn the great and glorious, but also the mundane Raegyn. The everyday Raegyn. The kind of music he enjoys, what flowers he finds pretty, even the kind of weather he finds the most soothing. The smaller details of his life that people usually don’t associate with him, because he’s known for his great accomplishments. And Raegyn is capable of detecting genuine effort and… this is exactly what makes him uncomfortable. He is confused, surprised, and doesn’t know what to do.

This is where my previous point comes in. Remember when I said Raegyn is struggling in a perpetual cycle of guilt and doubt? Well, this is because Raegyn believes that all relationships are fundamentally transactional. Let it be parent and child, friends, lovers, ruler and subject. People only stuck together for some sort of gain, for their own benefit. It took him a long time to accept his own parents and develop what he would call love for them, and even then, he’d occasionally find himself questioning their relationship. It’s even harder for outsiders, whom he basically categorizes as anyone who is not direct family. The thing is Raegyn is incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone. He has a massive following, but no one good friend to share his life with. Not because they didn’t make an effort, but because he kept pushing them away. Raegyn was the one who drove them away when they got too close, even if that meaningful connection was what he yearned for. You can say that Raegyn is projecting himself onto others. Raegyn is almost entirely unable to treat someone genuinely, as he is used to a life full of manipulation and lies where he is the one doing all the manipulating. This is the problem because he’s been doing this for so long, he doesn’t know how to treat someone genuinely. In fact, he can’t really recall when was the last time he treated someone with honesty. By his logic and projection, he believes that those who are trying to take a further step to connect to him are trying to manipulate him, and they’re being dishonest. Do you see where I am getting at. He mistakes all of that for deception from the other side. Karma, reaping what you sow… whatever it is, is coming to kick him in the ass. Now he’s stuck in the loop of pushing people away and complaining about why he just can’t find people to bond with.

If Raegyn could just set aside his need for finding his so-called intellectual rival, he could’ve found a best friend already. Someone who doesn’t necessarily share his capabilities, but truly cares for him. His unrealistic standards and need to maintain his pride is hindering him, yet he can’t quite let it go. Raegyn the glorious is truly pathetic. What a shitshow.

Good news is, eventually he does find a best friend! Like an actual best friend. No bullshitting, no lies. Someone whom he is comfortable enough with to completely drop his act and just be himself, and that person is… Jia! Wait, isn’t she the dumb one? Aren’t they the complete opposites? Yep! They’re healthy best friends, which is nothing less than a miracle. They bring out the best in each other. I’ll be talking about that in a future post!

More on his general personality. Raegyn is a bit snarky and arrogant at times, but people can’t ever get mad at him. He always gets away with being a lil’ shit, because… well, he’s never wrong. No matter how much you want to slap him in the face for something he said, even if you are dead sure that he definitely had no good intentions, when you think about it again… hey, he’s actually right. It makes sense, even if it hurts to hear. He’s totally right. Damn, how did you even get mad at him in the first place? That was dumb, wasn’t it. Now you should slap yourself in the face. You are wrong, because he is right. This is Raegyn, after all. He can present an insult as a compliment. He can turn something totally unfriendly and malicious into a piece of enlightenment, and all of a sudden you actually owe him because he gave you precious insight.

Now you’re curious and decide to stick around to see what other interesting things he has yet to show you. You discover that he’s very friendly and outgoing, and he’s actually considerate and always has solutions to your problems, and makes an effort to make your day. He’s witty, humorous, and a joy to be around, even if he throws a dark joke every now and then, but again you can’t help but let it slide. You start to really appreciate him and don’t even realize this is exactly what he wants to trick you into thinking. One more follower to add to his already super massive following; another shiny chess piece that he has successfully collected for his observation platform of… whatever they truly are to him. He makes it so that you feel like he’s there to entertain you and keep you company, but in reality, it’s the opposite. You’re there to entertain him, for as long as his shallow interest in you remains, which likely won’t last for much longer either. And when he gets bored and very discreetly kicks you out of his life, you’ll feel like it was your fault and now you’re jealous of his other friends and yearn to hang out with him again, even if it means doing whatever it takes to get him back. Raegyn is 100% aware of this, and he definitely enjoys it. He didn’t ask for an encore, yet it came by its own accord. Nice, even more drama for him sip on to ward off some of that boredom before he finds a new source of short-term entertainment.

(BTW just for clarification Raegyn never does anything illegal or anything that can potentially get him in trouble if he gets caught. He’s probably smart enough to get away with it anyway if he really wanted to commit crime for fun but then he doesn’t need to do that. His smartassing, bullshitting, manipulation etc is just on a personal level and never goes beyond that. Even if he’s borderline desperate for entertainment, he won’t do anything that has actual consequences. That’s why he’s not dangerous, he’s just petty and at most a pain in the ass. Can’t throw him in jail or anything, even grounding him would be excessive. He eventually does join Gloria and her search party for Reiner for a certain reason and that’s for another post too)

Just don’t delve any deeper or try to look behind Raegyn’s mask, because you will find something you don’t want to see, and something he doesn’t want to see, and it’s going to be a hot mess.

When he’s not being serious, he is pretty funny. If you can refrain from questioning his personality, he’s actually quite the humor depository. It manifests in the way that when he tries to be funny, it’s like he’s insulting you and when he is actually insulting you, you think he’s just being funny. If you’re in for a short-term, superficial friendship or just need to waste some time, he’s the perfect person to hang out with. He’s not going to be serious anyway, so if you’re interested, meet up and chat away. Just don’t actually develop an attachment to him and you’re good, because it’s no good for either of you. If it’s just for fun and nothing serious, totally go for it. He’ll keep you entertained and (hopefully) you’ll keep him entertained, and if you can handle some occasional arrogance and cheekiness from him, you’ll have a blast, and he’ll make you laugh. Win-win!

(I wanted to get to the details of Raegyn’s crush on Umbra + who he actually eventually settles down with in this post but it was already too long so I’ll do it separately in another post in the future)

And that’s it! Maybe I’ll do another one of these long character posts in a few months. Idk. When I feel like it. Feel free to let me know if there is any particular one you want to see next (did Kaekae last time, Raegyn this time, so 13 out of 15 left) but I will get to all of them eventually. Maybe will take years to complete but I want to get it done lol.

Again, thank you for reading, and stay tuned for future posts!

[that-spider-fan-over-there]

Okay it's not a prediction just things I'm hoping for in the BNHA chapters. Yes I'm aware these might not happen lemme hope-

If this is not my last post for the next (looks at clock) five-six hours you have the right to time me out- /j (... /hj the hyperfixation is real-).

A chapter titled "Deku and Kacchan" or "Izuku and Katsuki". Alternatively: Deku vs. Kacchan 3, but they're sparring for fun and we don't find out who won the match.

A parallel to "Shigaraki Tomura: Distortion" where the hands he hugs are gripping tightly on him while he's crying trying to get out.

OH IT COULD BE "SHIMURA TENKO: REBIRTH" OR "SHIMURA TENKO: RISING"

Tenko holding Izuku's hand, and when it looks like it'll disentegrate again, he unlocks the other half of his Quirk, stopping the decay.

Have said it before but: Callback to Chapter 76 where Izuku is about to be taken by the hands and then the moments where everyone asks him to do his best motivate him and he gains the strength to pull Tenko away from them.

Katsuki's vestige showing up from AFO trying to use his death as something to make Izuku snap. Bonus if this time the mf knows he's tied to OFA and remembers it somehow I need him to know Izuku is insane about him.

Ideal scenario for me (keywords: FOR ME) would be a combo of the latter two

The Todoroki family surrounding Touya in his hospital room; with Shoto at the door- only for them to invite him in while they wait for him to wake up.

Himiko and Ochako in the same room while receiving blood transfusion. Ochako still offers her pulse to Himiko. It's not a fully confirmed romantic relationship start, but it's their start nonetheless.

Shirakumo/Kurogiri to be alive and get a second chance please he's been trapped in his mind for 13 years (also show that he aged and is 30 I am not kidding when I say if he's 17 I will have an aneurysm-)

One more Mirio appearance in this battle please I want to see what he's doing he's the one who found out Tenko's still there let him see the whimsy be born.

All Might gets hugs from Izuku. I just think he deserves it. Also from Katsuki. From all of Class 1-A, really.

UA does a festival by the time Japan is finishing rebuilding the places destroyed by AFO. Or an amusement park (this one's for Izuku specifically XD)

No monuments, no rankings, no special titles like "Symbol of Peace", "Victory", "Hope", "Salvation", none of that, at least as official titles. They're humans, not gods. Pro-heroes as a job could still exist, I feel they probably wouldn't continue most of the celebrity aspect of it due to the consequences it brought.

Just a little more info on the OFA users + that letter.

Toshinori and Tenko trying to talk normally. It'd be bittersweet, awkward and I think Nana would've been happy to see them talking if she was alive-

And last, but not least, TWIN STARS ROPPONGI AGENCY PLEASE-

[goosemixtapes]

max's september 2023 reads

i have always been faintly jealous of the people who post little lists of the articles/books they read at the end of the month. lo and behold, i have realized this is in my power to remedy. i've also assembled a list of my favorite short stories and articles of all time :)

fiction

Vergil's Aeneid, book 12 (aeneid daily reread) (review)

the latter half of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (review)

Edmund Spenser's Faerie Queene, books 1-3

selections from Edmund Spenser's Shepherd's Calendar (review)

Shakespeare's Macbeth (for the fourth time now)

the latter half of Us Against You by Frederick Backman (review)

Gregor the Overlander by Suzanne Collins (review)

I Am Your Spaniel by Gislina Patterson (i have a[n author-sponsored] pdf of this if anyone should like it!)

Peerless by Jihae Park (review)

Twelfth Grade Night by Molly Horton Booth (review)

the first two episodes of What Happens Next comic

nonfiction

The Secret to Superhuman Strength by Alison Bechdel (review)

Why Centrism Is Morally Indefensible by Nathan J. Robinson (↳ musings on Tim Urban's book about polarization)

The Promise of Monsters: A Regenerative Politics for Inappropriate/d Others by Donna Haraway (↳ this was classwork and i understood maybe half. but the half was good!)

What Do We Owe Afghanistan? by Nathan J. Robinson and Noam Chomsky (↳ on the war in Afghanistan and the evils of the US military; cws for everything you'd expect)

What is a Woman? (A Response) by Julia Serano (↳ on the TERF's favorite question)

video essays

PragerU and the Politics of Pain by Zoe Bee (↳ do leftists centrally aim to avoid pain? and is that a bad thing?)

On the Ethics of Boinking Animal People by Patricia Taxxon (↳ ostensibly what the title says, but actually a detailed musing on the essential properties of furry media and the freedom of dehumanization; changed my life a bit)

[fancyfade]

Hi I read your post about the bat boys dynamics, now how the fandom been handling it for years been pissing me off as someone in a blended family.

Now I have a step-turned adopted brother, him and I meet when he was 4 and I was 9. We’re currently estranged, but for the most part it took me….I want to say a year to see him as my brother properly. Not saying I hated him, but to form a bond.

Now the problem with the bat boys, well I want to say Damian histories with them in general. Is writers BARELY gives depth into their bonds and most of the time it seem meaningless. Vs how you and even Arabian batboy pointed out how their bonds with female characters seem more fleshed out as the writers put effort in making their bonds…for the most part…looking at you Williamson.

I am no eugenic, but there a difference between my bond with bio sister vs my bonds with adopted siblings

My issues is how the Batfamily fandom try to force a nuclear family dynamic into the Batclan…when writers clearly show that half of the time they see them as a militia vs a found family.

Oh and the writers personal bias, like in Gotham war where Tim told Damian he always saved Bruce vs the latter only fighting him….is there any goddamn archives at dc for writers to check up on characters lore?

Sorry I just want to air this out, because this bat brothers fanon been driving me up the wall. They are brothers on paper, but none of them are each other keepers if that make sense?

I think it makes sense. I'm sorry to hear about your estrangement.

And yeah a lot of time fandom wants to act as if the fact that they're all adopted (or biologically related) to Bruce on paper means that they'd have the exact same relationship people might have if they grew up together in the same house, but like... that's a drastically over-simplified thing. like i remember getting into an argument* with someone who was adamant that Damian should fanboy or look up to Tim b/c Tim is his older brother and people do that stuff IRL. But like... a) not everyone does b) Damian did not actually live in the same house as Tim, his dynamic was not the same as someone who grew up with an older brother, they clearly had many canon interactions indicating the opposite!

and also like: Obviously you shared your experience with how long it took you to form a bond, and realistically it would also take Damian time to form a bond. If his interactions are antagonistic, like they are with Tim, it would take work for them to get close, and panel time we do not see. This isn't to say they can't consider each other brothers, we see evidence at least Tim considers Damian his little brother and Damian's no longer antagonistic to him** and respects him some, but they definitely wouldn't have a super close bond like we see Damian have with Maya or Dick.

And yeah so many of the writers have personal bias its cringe to read. Except like. I have never seen Tim portrayed really negatively in Damian's comics. In general, it's to put Damian down. I analyzed it in general here (link)

And like. WRT personal experiences I'm sure there are some people who view their adopted siblings as similar to their bio siblings... but also WRT not simplifying everything -- that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, and it definitely doesn't mean that that means every single Batfam member who is adopted by Bruce has the same relationship that people who are all raised in the same house in general at the same time, since they were babies might have. Like it'd be oversimplifying and trying to flatten out dynamics to act as if that's how it did happen.

Also if you are the same blended family anon as earlier, I do want to say I got a long anon ask from you ages ago but forgot to answer it sorry :C then I couldn't tell if too long had passed and it was weird to answer it

*act surprised, I was in an argument /j

**current canon shows more evidence for Tim being antagonistic to Damian than vice versa.

[drawthething]

do you have pesto kids headcanons? like for all three of them?

F-For my precious boys 🥺? Those dumb lil sweetpeas? I'm 😭 thank you so much ♥️♥️

Ooo did you mean for each of them individually or their dynamic as a whole? I've already got a hc post for Andy & Ollie and I sure have a bloody lot of Jimmy Jr hcs I wanna share if y'all would tolerate me and my obsession BUT Imma go with the latter one (also my obsession) :D

• J-ju is never not weirded out by the twins. What's up with the hair licking? What's up with crayons eating? What's up with them?? He asks himself as he continues to put pistachios with shells remained in his mouth

• Boy's so used to his bros' antics though. One time Frond goes to him freaking out over the twins stuffing leaves in their mouth during recess and he just shrugs "Oh yeah they do that when they skip breakfast. It's fine I'll just go grab them milk at lunch"

• Andy & Ollie tell Jimmy Jr weird stories they make up (or dreams they simultaneously have the previous night) aaalll the time. And J-ju's like half-amused half-annoyed but most of the time he doesn't ignore them. Also have to answer all sorta weird questions they have. Some are simple kid questions, some genuinely haunt him in his sleep every night ("If a rainbow has 7 colours, does it mean 3 rainbows have 21 colours?")

• J-ju's definitely not the most responsible oldest sibling but you know, he tries. He does have an older brother's pride, like he's not the type to boss his brothers around but he puts himself in charge of them when needed ...if he remembers (that he's supposed to be at home watching the twins and not doing "parkours" with Zeke on the beach). Overall boy does a semi good job taking care of them, like reminding them to brush their teeth and not watching PG-13 movies when they're around

• But operation "PG movies only" fails. Them boys try watching horror movies quite a few times and never make it half way through the films. After that Andy would cling on one of Jimmy Jr's legs and Ollie'd do the same with the other while J-ju trudges up the stairs trying to get them to bed (and he awkwardly asks if he could sleep in their room tonight cuz ain't no way is he sleeping alone)

• Andy & Ollie like Zeke a whole lot and ask Jimmy Jr tons of questions about him ("Does the mole on his left arm give him the power of strength?" - "And the power of love?") And J-ju'd take any opportunity to talk about how cool his best bro is but is also a teeny tiny bit jealous, cuz hey what about your own brother >:/?