#the lack of self care turned into self denial as devotion because you don’t want to face that you’re depressed as shit

[loststolenorstrayed]

like literally she embodies the feeling, pushed to a cartoonish anime level by being a creepypasta killer

[fanfiction-inc]

If you are still doing the Ns/fw alphabet thing would I be able to request one of Higgs Monaghan?

Oh, but of course! Now I must apologize to you and everyone else for the delay! I have finally been able to finish up some things for college and have a slow period to get some stuff done! I hope you enjoy this!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

It all depends on the relationship he is having with the one he’s fucking. If it’s a one night stand, he has no obligation to clean up the other party, much less show them kindness or deliver niceties on his way out. He simply will redress, and leave whoever they are. Something more than a fling, like a friends/enemies with benefits or standard relationship warrants far more sweetness from the terrorist. He’ll wipe you down, clean you up of any mess and offer the sweetest praises. Now this man, despite all the terrible shit he has done, is the sweetest pillow talker, holding you as if he’ll never see you again and reminding you of what you mean to him. He hardly has quality relationships, so having you as a friend (or enemy with benefits) or partner is what he values most.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His favorite part is of course that damn silver tongue he uses to charm you like always and the mouth it resides in. Be it the nicest words you’ll ever hear or the filthiest, he savors how it makes you react. The stammering or stern and silent look away when you blush. The subtle press of thighs or move of an object to cover a ‘growing’ problem. He loves it all. He also loves what he can do with that mouth and tongue that could get you going. Licking along a hot shaft with kitten like flicks of his tongue, or along folds that hold the honey pot he wishes to steal from.

It doesn’t matter the shape, size, or prominence, but Higgs will always be an ass man. Be it cupping it, squeezing it, using it to get a rise or having his cock buried deep, he will always love a good ass. He tends to be more sexual with asses when his partner is male (or presenting male), often finding moments like those intimate in the guy category. The ass on a woman (or presenting woman) is often more for holding, especially for stability when his tongue is buried deep in them.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Anywhere. Literally fucking anywhere. You want it inside you? Done! Want it down your throat? He’ll go right ahead! Want it covering your face or body? He’ll do his damnedest! He loves the sensation of filling you, but fucking hell does he love how it looks on your body and how it decorates you. Of course he finds humor if it gets in your hair or misses you from a wrong angle, but that’s the playfulness in him talking.

Now him taking any form of cum? That’s a different story. He is absolutely okay with cum inside him or down his throat, but he despises spitting it out or having it leak from him. It’s an intimate act to take such from his partner, so he’ll practically beg for it as long as you’re willing to give it!

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

This Particle of God who permeates all existence is by simple definition, a slut. Now, I say slut with all the love I have for him in the world, but it is quite true. Higgs is by far the biggest example of ‘switch’ energy. He wants to be used like a toy, wants to be used for the sake of giving others pleasure. Tie him up, decorate him in leather. Give him a few healthy smacks to the ass, but just know if he’s the dominating force in the relationship, he may never admit such. It’s something he prefers to keep to himself until he finds the perfect partner to open up to about it, so it remains his dirty secret.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Higgs has had some good flings in his time, allowing experience with both men and women alike and giving him a rather good sense of what he’s doing. He’s learned just what his tongue can do, how his words can make the body react. And when he rolls his hips just the right way, oh, he gets the idea and knows how to manipulate it.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Oh, he could never start off without without a good bit of foreplay. Typically with any partner, Higgs prefers a good bit of face sitting or ‘69’ play, though his main objective is to focus on his partner's pleasure. Anything he can do to get his partner off first, he will attempt to do.

When it comes to his partners, the positions vary. Up against a wall, he’d have their legs wrapped around him and fucking up into them. Don’t forget the wandering fingers to a sensitive clit or hand to a weeping dick. Laying down, it’s a toss up between missionary or spooning. Missionary is often used when he wants to keep his gaze locked with his partner's own, where as spooning is for those moments where he wants to hold his partner close. When he’s spooning, this can be for intimacy purposes where he goes slow and deep, keeping the moment drawn on to savor you or your body. But in other times, it’s the moment to jackhammer his hips into you until you’re a shaking mess. On your knees, and he has you in doggy. This position is also used more often for flings where no eye contact has to be made and is quick enough to be over and done with.

Now for himself, especially if it’s with a male/male presenting partner or during an intense pegging session, he’ll be begging for a form of missionary. He much prefers holding his legs up towards himself so his bum is presented to his partner. If you include a nice hand job while fucking him, then he’s done for in that position.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

This man is not only a switch in the dom/sub realm, but he also is in the serious/humorous realm as well. Higgs is often very humorous when it comes to sex, finding ways to make it fun and carefree. He’ll crack jokes, chuckle if something doesn’t go quite right, but above all, he’ll find it fucking hilarious if you joke back. Playful banter is all part of the fun, but sometimes the moment deserves some serious focuses. If his partner is ever down on themselves or their bodies, he’s serious in the moment. He will make fucking sure that they know what they do to him, but also how beautiful/handsome their body is. All encouragement and softness, but lacking the humorous tone. Then, there is the time were the two collide, where pleasure is the main goal.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Grooming isn’t usually a big concern to him, but he does do it here or there. Just like the stubble that grows on his chin, he sometimes just lets it go until it’s so long and thick that it must be taken care of, just like the onsets of a beard. The color is just as dark as his hair, but a little curled as compared to the well kept nature of his hair on top of his head.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

It truly depends on the partner. If this is a one night stand, Higgs won’t hesitate to call it a quick fuck and move on. He’s not going to give his attention or devotion to a person who doesn’t deserve the full on ‘Higgs Monaghan experience’, but if he feels it may be going somewhere, then expect some kisses or sweet words. Maybe even expect a bit of his strong façade to slip in the process.

Now, if you’re his friend/enemy with benefits, or his partner, then here comes the fucking romance train. Sweet, lingering kisses. Gentle brushes along one's skin followed by an unlimited amount of devotion and praise. He will worship the very ground you walk on as long as he gets a piece of you in some way, shape, or aspect. His love will show in every act, even if it’s a quickie or just a straight up fucking session. He may not be too brash, but his reminders will come at a constant, mixed in with lewd conversation and grunted notions.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Being in his clothes, be it his mask or just his cloak, is the best material he can go to for jacking off. Be it imagining you on your back, hands going to work on whatever gets you off while the fabric bunches beneath you, or the idea of you being in control, being ‘him’. Fuck, does it get his mind going and hand going even faster. The easiest thing to do in those moments is to call you up for some straight up dirty talk. If he’s going to be going after release, he wants you to do the same too (or tease the hell out of you until you’re on the brim and need him, because the cocky bastard loves that shit.)

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

BDSM (Bondage, Masochism, and Sadism mostly), Breath Play, Dirty Talk, Exhibitionism, Face Sitting (partner and him), Impact Play, Knife/Weapon Play, Odaxelagnia, Orgasm Denial/ Control, Pegging/Anal, Praise Kink, Strap-on Play (to him), Teasing, Voyeurism, and Worship Kink.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

ANYWHERE. Literally fucking anywhere. He will do it at the Homo Demens base camp, right outside of a Bridges delivery location, or even in the middle of timefall (of course with proper coverage. He would never want you to get hurt by the timefall, nor the BT’s, but it does make it interesting to see how quiet you can stay when they begin to move about. It’s always with an underlying sense of danger or excitement of getting caught that fuels him. But this doesn't stop him when it comes to being home.

When with the Homo Demens, his room at base camp is an often place as well as the community showers. The bunker of Peter Englert, though smaller than a whole base, offers many places as well. These stationary places are his favorite for privacy and intimacy.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Your body, no matter what, is always an automatic turn on. Especially if there is exposed skin involved that he can hold onto or kiss at. He is a total ass man, always loving to grab at it or just keep his hand there when talking. Your ass, watching it as you walk or beneath him sends blood rushing down below and he may as well cum in his pants at this rate because holy fuck, is that ass perfection. He will worship that ass, constantly wanting to caress it or have a handful if you’re on his lap. Your hands are the next thing. Be them wrapped around his cock, grabbing at the sheets beneath you, or simply cupping his cheek in the afterglow, your hands are always the sweetest thing because they can do so many things that can make him fall apart at the seams.

What REALLY gets him going is being taken care of. Higgs is touch starved all to hell, and when he gets any sign of affection or sweetness from you, be it cuddling or kind words, he feels like he’s floating on a damn cloud. When he is being submissive, or is the bottom in the relationship, It’s especially a turn on when being taken care of leads to praise in the bedroom.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He will ABSOLUTELY refuse to involve any form of piss or scat in your play. It is an automatic turn off and he may as well be the cause of another voidout just from the mere recommendation of it. He can’t stand the idea of it. Higgs is into a lot of things, but those two will never fall under his category of things that get him going and needy.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

BOTH! BOTH! BOTH! He is an absolute lover of giving and receiving oral! And he isn’t too shabby at it once he gets used to how your body reacts.

When it comes to giving oral, he goes between a mixture of teasing and driving you mad with that damn tongue. Depending on the relationship you share with him, he either dives right in or takes his time with it. If he wants to, he’ll map out your sex, taking in how hard/wet you are, finding what bits make you mewl the loudest or give him the desired effect. He’ll go slow with his tongue, dragging it until you’re trying to get your cock either inside his mouth or his tongue on your clit (either way, he’ll leave you squirming). When he finally gives you what you want, being lavishing your core or sucking you off, he’s at it and he will go until you’re trembling and begging for no more, to which he’ll get one or more out of you just to prove the point that he can.

When it comes to receiving, he is always down for such, but he is more likely to be down for it if he's the submissive partner in the relationship. He would rather worship and tease when in a dominant position. Taking care of you is the best thing in his mind. But being taken care of? Now that is what drives him absolutely wild. He is sensitive when it comes to the tip of his cock being played with, and will fall apart if it's played with.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

It really depends on his mood. If he is wanting to be in a kind and sweet mood, he’s slow and passionate, He’ll take his time to make sure you feel nice and good. Keeping eye contact and sweet praising as he takes you, gentle kisses followed by accented thrust that go just deep enough but not too fast to make it fucking. No, that in his mind is perfect for something he isn’t used to, which is love making. If it needs to be quick, or in his mind it’s a sexual punishment, he will be rougher, or faster with you. He’ll fuck you raw and leave you a mess. Either way you’ll be a mess when you’re with Higgs.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He usually has more time for quickies, as he is the entity trying to bring on the next mass human extinction. Of course he loves a good session of proper sex, being able to take his time with you or give you a chance to properly take him. But sometimes those are short lived moments, interrupted halfway through or being stopped before being able to bask in the afterglow because he has to leave. Duty calls, after all. His favorite places for them are generally at the Homo Demens camp, or on the go in some risky area that could accidentally get you guys caught.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

This fucker practically screams risk. Be it public excursions or a new tactic in the bedroom, he’s game. If you want to try something a little more dangerous with him, or something far more kinky then you two already do, he is down. He will always give you a chance to try things with him, and sometimes he’ll see what he can do to help expand your comfort zones by suggesting new situations or experiences. Maybe trying more intensive bondage would be the step up he would try with you from the light bondage you two may already do. Maybe he wants you to try choking him, or maybe YOU want to try choking him. Either way, he is always up for experimentation.

This man, being the exhibitionist he is, is obsessed with the thrill of potentially or actually being caught in the act. It’s something that he would GLADLY introduce you to if he had the chance, wanting that to be the first big experiment if you aren’t already into it. Now mind you, he will respect (generally) your boundaries on most things, but this is one thing that absolutely screams fun in his mind, and it’s so damn risky because you never know who is gonna see!

“Oops, didn’t see ya there Sammy! We’ll just finish up here.”

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

It really depends on the play and the partner. Higgs is a man who can go perhaps three or four rounds at the most, having stamina like a beast if he’s really hyped up for it. Usually this happens when he is in the domineering position, having full control over himself, and whatever control you’ll allow over you, be it full or less than full control.

When he is the bottom, taking whatever is being given to him, he’ll last two rounds at the most because let's face it, Higgs can become overstimulated quickly if the right touches and praises are given. Use the right sensation or hammer down on him when you fuck, and he’ll be a puddle of incoherent speech and needy rambling. Now this doesn't mean you can’t get more out of him, but he’ll be less likely to be as coherent as if he is in full control of the situation.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Oh he most certainly owns them, and he most certainly uses them when he wants to. He’s the kind of guy that if he doesn’t have a partner close by, and he wants to spice up a dirty call or get himself off quicker than he can with his hand, toys are the way to go. Be it dildos, vibrators, anything of the likes, he uses them and he will gladly use them on you or let you use them on him.

He doesn’t usually like using toys in every session, though. Sometimes feeling skin instead of whatever material the toy is is sooooo much better to him because he issued you and he wants to fuck properly. Now if you’re a person who requires the extra stimulation from a toy while you’re enjoying each other, then by all means, he’ll incorporate it somehow so that you get exactly what you need. Some people just need that extra push, and he is happy to supply!

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Excuse me, have you met this man? He is the ultimate tease! Especially publicly. He loves to get you hot and bothered or embarrassed and riled up when he’s around. Sinfully delicious comments against your ear or tracing motions through your clothes until you’re needy and he leaves you like that until you’re alone. In the bedroom, he will do whatever it takes to have his partner either be a begging mess or be so fed up with him that he gets exactly what he wants.

For a submissive partner, he likes to use his tongue the most to tease. Trailing along your chest, or over sensitive nipples. Light flicks to extra sensitive areas below the belt, be it the tip or sweet spot on a cock or the bundle of nerves between a woman's legs. Light kisses or nips to the inner thighs just to get you squirming, that man will do so until you get a bite to your voice or just needy enough to give you what you want. Then again, sometimes he likes the torture of continuing the teasing until you’re vision is blurry with tears and you can’t utter any other word than ‘please’.

With dominant partners, he will make every move or command he gets into a tease. Taking his clothing off too slowly, tracing his tongue too long or not putting enough pressure. Sometimes his kisses will pull away too quickly as to tease you. But that teasing is gone the moment you put him in his place, then he is the most compliant creature ever.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make

He is like a fucking air raid siren when he’s being taken, but his volume isn’t nearly as when he’s doing the taking over having someone on top of him in the form of riding. He’ll moan, that is for sure, but the most common noises are the high pitched hitches in his breathing or the grunts that come when he’s pistoning his hips to bring you over the edge. He may give a growl if the fucking is more aggressive, or he may release and airy chuckle from time to time if you two are having more fun than seriousness.

W = Wild Card (Random Headcanon)

He is more than happy to dress in some kind of outfit for your sexual encounters. Be it a Bridges outfit because he knows you get off from him playing as the unknown stranger at Bridges, Peter Englert, or a Fragile uniform because fuck do you love leather, he’s down. He’ll happily wear panties if you like him in feminine undergarments, happily dress with cock cages and leather straps if you want to see him in such. He’ll even stay in the mask if you ask, but when it comes to dressing up, he isn’t limited to dressing himself. He absolutely adores when you wear his mask, or wearing his cloak to cover your nude form.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He may not be the longest or the girthiest, but Higgs has a nice package. He’s about six inches long when fully erect, so about average (in American standards). He can go from well trimmed to near unmanageable depending on his mood, and also the partner. Some prefer hairless, some don’t mind the all natural look.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Pfft. Have you met this needy man? I mean seriously? He is OBSESSED with sex. Borderline nymphomaniac if you must, Higgs is constantly down for a good time as long as he has time. His big plans for the end of existence come first, but he will gladly give you his all or take whatever is given as long as he gets to enjoy it. He may ask for company more often than once a day given the day, or sometimes he’ll wait till it’s a time restrained time for you and get as much as he can until you just HAVE to do whatever it is you do. He can wait, but it only gets him more hyped for whatever will happen next, and sometimes it’s torture to him with waiting too long.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Out like a fucking lightbulb. He may stay up for a few for some aftercare either giving or receiving, maybe even some light banter, but generally he’s so worn out that he is O.U.T out! That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like to stay up and chat the night away. Sometimes he does, sometimes he falls asleep like a light sleeping rock, and other times he’s having to redress to start whatever is next in his grand plan.

[iwhumpyou]

My Whump OCs

Quick and dirty introduction to my mains.  Yes, a lot of them have startlingly similar names.  Yes, a lot of them share personality traits.  It’s not easy coming up with original characters, okay.  (Masterlist.)  (With pronunciation guide.)  (I’m not a linguist, I’m sorry.)

Aidan (AY-duhn) - younger brother of the leader of the elementalist clan.  Hotheaded.  Tempestuous.  Fiercely protective of his family.  Fond of fire.  Defiant.  Buries terror deep inside so no one can hear him scream.  Would do anything for his family.  Would die for them.  Would kill for them.

Aliya (AH-lee-ah) - something spy secret agent something.  Defiant.  A little bit self-sacrificial.  Despises the Redford assassin, no really, she does, it’s just a coincidence that they keep working together.  Really goddamn scary when she puts her mind to it.

Becca (beck-ah) - R&D for secret agent organization.  Nerdy.  Devoted to her job.  Possibly lacks a healthy self-preservation instinct by not putting up with flirts and/or threats from field agents.  Loyal.  (Pity no one believes her.)

Brie (bree) - omega.  Loves to read.  Fierce and stubborn and determined to shatter through barriers and discrimination and gender roles and - or, at least she was.  Now she’ll do absolutely anything not to get sent back to Radcliff Hill.  Terrified and lost and paranoid, because once bitten is twice shy.

Delia (DELL-ee-ya) - definitely not a superpowered mercenary, a fact that has been made painfully evident.  Spiteful.  Loyal.  Just wants her friends back.  Just wants to feel like she belongs.

Draven Riker (drah-vin rye-kir) - Baron of Skalid.  Stubborn.  Prideful.  Warrior.  Is not fond of listening to other people’s opinions once he’s made up his mind.  Is also not fond of talking about his feelings, especially to his wife.  An idiot, at times.

Gabriel (gay-BREE-uhl) - angel.  Blond hair, wings.  Warrior.  Angry.  Is not at all worried about a demon with a sharp grin, no, not at all, something in his heart didn’t crack at the sight of shadows under betrayed eyes.  Has several confusing feelings and an incredibly complicated romantic history.  Deals with confusing feelings by denial.  (Not a recommended strategy.)

Janiya (jah-NEE-ya) - just a researcher, not enhanced or a trained fighter.  Jealous.  Wanted to be a part of the group and covered up hurt with vicious sneers when she was rejected.  Cruel, cutting comments.  Is intimately aware that she’s the most breakable, and refuses to show weakness.  Right up until she’s forced to.

Kyran (KAI-rahn) - demon.  Is definitely a snarky little shit.  Black hair and red eyes and a shroud of darkness.  Has frighteningly low self-esteem, under the witty repartee.  Alone.  Loyal.  Clings to the first people to show him the barest hint of affection, even if they make it clear they’re not his friends.  Is not interested in the hot angel with the distracting glower, no, not at all, it definitely didn’t feel like his heart was torn in two when the angel betrayed him.  Can make self-sacrifice look defiant.

Laila (LAY-la) - Witch Chief.  Centuries old.  Incredibly powerful.  Fell for the uptight, stuffy leader of the local branch of the supernatural police.  Self-sacrificial.  Just wants family and friends and love, is that too much to ask?  Fiercely protective of the things that are hers.  Terrifying, in the right mood.

Leia (LAY-ah) - Agent Consort.  Deadly.  Beautiful.  Possibly fond of the tech with the unamused and fearless glare.  Definitely fond of the squeak said tech made when she smirked, slow and sultry.  Field agents are her family, the only one she has left.  Inventive and vicious.  Deals with betrayal by...you don’t want to know.

Livia Redford (lee-vee-ah RED-fuhrd) - assassin, and a damn good one at that.  Terrifying.  Blood red lipstick and black leather and sharp heels.  Has her own private army of minions.  Is absolutely fanatical about protecting what’s hers.  Morals, what are those?  Is very intrigued by Aliya - few people have defied her and lived.  You do not want to get on her bad side, trust me, because you won’t stay there very long.

Maia (MY-ah) - human, head of the science division in the first alien-free outpost.  Cold, detached, lonely.  Extremely distrustful, but that’s fair because the last people she trusted strapped her to a table to perform experimental surgery.  Ruthlessly practical.  Has a heart, just likes to pretend it doesn’t exist so that it doesn’t break any further.

Mercia Merkel (muhr-cee-ah muhr-kuhl) - lady of Eris, by marriage.  Tries to be a good ruler.  Tries to be a good mother.  Is not fond of the living, breathing reminder of her dead husband’s infidelity.  Is also a little bit pissed off on behalf of said living, breathing reminder because of the near-criminal negligence of the girl’s parents.  Adoption is a valid revenge strategy, isn’t it?

Naya (nah-ya) - grad student by day, vigilante by night.  Self-sacrificial.  Exhausted.  Alone.  Has hit rock bottom and is just done.  Wants to curl up in a little ball and wish the world away.

Nerali (nay-RAH-lie) - youngest sibling of the elementalist clan.  Self-sacrificial.  Determined to prove herself.  Just wants to make her eldest sister proud.  Wants to feel like she belongs.  Assumes all problems are her fault.

Niyati (nee-YA-thee) - secret black ops spy agent.  Loves her team - her family.  Determined.  Has a startling propensity to run into wealthy, shady Russian businesswomen in otherwise normal missions.

Reina (RAY-na) - illegitimate daughter of a dead lord.  Turns out it’s very easy to become self-sacrificial when your half-siblings are the only ones who care whether you live or die.  Fiercely protective of her siblings, both sets of them.  Just wants to be a part of the family.

Riva (ree-va) - tech support at a militaristic organization.  Loyal.  Definitely exasperated by her teammates.  Smidgen of low self-esteem, well-concealed.  Anxious.  Perfectionist.  Prefers to know the exact specs of her job, because following is easier than leading.  Not a fighter.  Smart.

Riya (REE-ya) - former member of a supernatural police force.  Stoic.  Definitely a fan of ‘I’ll tell no one about my plan ever so they continue to assume I don’t have a heart’.  Defiant.  Self-sacrificial.  Tried very hard to be a good leader.  Cripplingly low self-esteem.  Too afraid to look for love after getting rejected.

Rhiya Riker (REE-ya rye-kir) - Baroness of Skalid.  Warrior.  Defiant.  Prideful.  Self-reliant.  God forbid she ever has to talk about her feelings out loud.  Emphasis on defiant.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 191 “Water Of Home”

New (painful) chapter so new analysis.

A premise. I began writing this as soon as the raw were out but this chapter was pretty painful for me and this sort of influenced my first judgement so I went back and forth revising this a lot when I calmed down… so I hope it’ll make sense. Sorry if it doesn’t.

The cover shows Shiraishi burying Kiro under the ice, the others just watching him doing so. Well, maybe Asirpa is helping, I’m not sure.

Actually I don’t really see her doing something, she seems to just stand there. I really, really wish she would do something as Asirpa has always been a caring person and I know she cared about Kiro.

However, now that I finally calmed down for Kiro’s death, I get she had a terrible day and might be not up for much and she also might be copying with a light form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (she just learnt the people she trusted actually used her to shoot her father and Sugimoto, ended up almost killing someone and saw a person she used to love die… not an easy amount of things to put up with in insight) so, as sad as it is for Kiro, she’s probably being not her usual self and with good reasons.

Still… apart Shiraishi (and Asirpa who, as said before, is not up to much), no one among the people there is really caring about Kiro.

For Koito and Tsukishima he was just an enemy they just met and fought and who injured them seriously enough, especially Tsukishima. They didn’t care about him, they’re in no real shape to help burying him and anyway probably, for them, allowing him to be buried is the most I can expect.

But really…

I know Sugimoto wanted to kill Kiro for betraying him even if Kiro helped him through all the travel, even in Abashiri, when he helped him escape Nopperabo’s jail. I know Sugimoto doesn’t know Kiro didn’t want him shoot, just Wilk, and that he resents him for bringing Asirpa away… but really, the guy is dead and it’s not like he dragged away a kicking and screaming Asirpa or he mistreated her along the way.

I wish I could excuse Sugimoto by saying he was carrying Ogata and couldn’t have put him down on the cold ground or Ogata’s conditions might have worsened, because I understand prioritizing the living ones over the dead ones, but in this chapter itself we will be shown Sugimoto doesn’t care AT ALL about this.

So evidently he’s just still thinking Kiro needed to be murdered. I hope it’s at least his copying mechanism speaking up (in order to cope with killing and death Sugimoto tells himself his enemies aren’t human and don’t suffer when in pain) so that he can tell himself he doesn’t feel pain but still… it’s ugly.

The same goes for Tanigaki. Okay, so he was angry at Kiro for Inkarmat, but Kiro is also the one who saved his life and Inkarmat and the stabbing WAS AN INCIDENT, Kiro didn’t mean to stab her and would have wanted to help her and really, Shiraishi is the weakest in the group so Tanigaki you could help him.

Honestly boys, I’m disappointed.

You’re showing lack of respect for a fallen person, clinging to your petty grudges and conveniently forgetting the good this man did to you both.

Wanna see him as an enemy?

Fine but at least honour a fallen enemy who fought so hard he was impressive, not just stand there doing nothing.

Actually boys, you’re also leaving Shiraishi alone to mourn. Sugimoto, Shiraishi is your friend. If not for Kiro, you could show some sympathy for Shiraishi instead than leaving him alone to do all the work.

Shiraishi, who in this moment wins the prize as the sweetest guy ever, thinks that since the ice drift there is formed with water from the Amur river (the place from were Kiro came), when spring will come, Kiro will sink in the water that comes from his ‘home’ and be able to rest peacefully. I love how he thought about this, it shows he cared for this man. Shiraishi, who at the beginning of the story didn’t know how to care about people and would use the other convicts to escape and then leave them behind, had grown to form deep bonds with the people in the story and had grown to care for them.

We can see Shiraishi is clearly in pain… and he’s also the one who removes his glove and closes Kiro’s eyes, so as to let Kiro rest in peace. It’s a caring gesture.

A side of me is sad it’s not Asirpa doing it… but well, as said before she’s probably not in a great emotional shape. Even if she’s not physically hurt… she probably need to recover form the psychological wounds and maybe she’s just trying hard to distance herself from all this.

Sugimoto’s gaze is… just hard. He’s not even looking at Kiro but up.

Tanigaki, Tsukishima and Koito are clearly not going to cry for Kiro.

Yeah, to the four of them he was just an enemy they wanted to kill. I’m sad.

Yes, the piece is sad, it brought me to tears, Shiraishi’s words and acts are beautiful… but the sadness is all on Shiraishi’s shoulders and on the reader’s ability to either feel sorry for Kiro or at least to emphasize with Shiraishi who just lost a friend.

Actually the others just standing there, watching as if they were a curious bunch, I don’t know… at this point they could have left and let Shiraishi mourn on this own.

It’s a cruel moment.

Kiro gave his all and ultimately died for his cause and now, apart for Shiraishi and maybe Asirpa, he’s just circled by people who didn’t care for him at all. The unfairness of it is cruel, but I think this is the message. Kiro’s fight was, fundamentally, a lonely fight.

I don’t know, I’m just sad for him and angry, angry because I like the boys too and I was hoping they would behave better instead they’re just a big disappointment.

So really I didn’t expect Koito and Tsukishima to care, Kiro is a stranger to them and an enemy and I’m fine with this but… I expected a little more than just this from Tanigaki and Sugimoto. No, not tears and sobbing but… at least they could have helped burying Kiro. Or look a little sad. The man is dead. They had good moments with him. He wasn’t purely evil. Aren’t they sad things went out the wrong way? Besides Shiraishi IS mourning. They could… have showed a little empathy to him at least.

To be honest though… Shiraishi’s last words show how, although he cared for Kiro, he didn’t quite understand Kiro’s cause.

He thinks he was a man too serious for his own good. Shiraishi is in pain, he loved Kiro and wanted him to live and be his friend. He can’t understand why instead Kiro devoted all of himself to his own cause, did all he did for it and ultimately died. In Shiraishi’s case it’s not just racism speaking up, Shiraishi has just learnt to devote himself to his friends. He can’t understand Kiro devoting himself to a great cause like the minorities, giving his life for people he doesn’t even know.

I wonder if Shiraishi’s evolution is going to involve him growing to the point he’ll understand devoting for the others, not just his close friends but people in general. I wonder if, in a way, Kiro’s sacrifice will allow him to grow to become a person like Kiro, one who would care about people in need regardless of him knowing them.

And now… Asirpa.

Asirpa seems very sad for Kiroranke’s death, her nose is red and her mouth is close in a grimace.

She’s not quite crying though... although if I look at the image up close it seems her eyes are slightly wet. But maybe it's just me. Her main worry though is all for ‘why did my father have to die?’

When raw went out the thing left me a bit upside down.

I mean, discovering if her father had killed the Ainu had been her drama from the moment they had met Kiro and he told her about how her father was Nopperabo so it’s not a minor deal and we knew it from… well, really long ago and Kiro was someone she trusted and respected so it should have hurt a lot to discover he used her to get a chance to murder her father and, fundamentally, tricked her into coming with him. I understand she’s probably wondering if all Kiro said to her about her father were only lies, if Kiro was a man who didn’t deserve her respect at all.

Still, even Inkarmat told her about how her father was a partisan and the Russians had ‘wanted man’ posters with his face. A partisan at the time killed for his cause and he clearly killed the Russian emperor at least. Wilk murdered people, there’s no turning around this.

If her problem is ‘if her father had killed people or not’ yes, he did.

Is the problem ‘if he murdered THOSE AINU or not’?

(Note that I’m saying ‘those Ainu’ because Wilk might have murdered Ainu during his partisan fight, be it because, like his companion, they turned in a disability or betrayed him or were just casualties on the way so, unless Asirpa is in denial over the whole thing, Wilk might have murdered Ainu regardless of Wilk murdering ‘those Ainu’ or not.)

Anyway, from how Kiro acted there’s no turning around the fact Kiro believed Wilk was guilty of betraying their cause. Kiro was likely misguided, all right, he likely assumed Wilk to be guilty when the culprit was apparently someone else but… he was in good faith.

So it’s not like he could tell Asirpa her father was innocent… and Asirpa seems not to be even sure HE was the one behind Wilk’s death so…

But now (also thanks to a talk with @chibivesicle and the other guys at discord)… I think she is just upside down. She’s clinging to what motivated her to go through all that travel, discovering the truth about her father, so that she won’t have to look at what happened along the way. In short she’s trying to distance herself and, at the same time, to find a reason why she had to go through all this.

I think in a way she will soon discover the price for the truth is getting way too high that she had anticipated.

While focusing on the goal can help you to go on, if you lose sight of what happens along the way, of what gets sacrificed along the way, you lose sight of yourself.

In a way it’s like Nikaido’s quest for revenge, in which he loses a body part each time. Or Ogata’s quest for the gold, in which at a certain point the gold seemed to pointless he only wanted Asirpa to murder him. Or Sugimoto’s quest for the gold, in which for each person he murders he loses a bit of himself. Or Kiro’s quest too, who lead him to murder Wilk (who was probably innocent), leave behind his family (whom he loved) and to lie to Asirpa (whom he cared about).

A goal gives you the strength to go on, but you can’t lose sight of what’s going on around yourself or you’ll lose more than you are bargaining for. Honestly I’m worried for Asirpa.

Anyway here there’s a part I wish was handled differently.

As Asirpa expresses her wish to know the truth… the boys just tell her what they had learnt about her father but… it’s not a real talk about her father it’s just them telling her an one sentence info.

I mean, if this is Asirpa’s drama, the thing that’s tormenting her the most (and Sugimoto knows it is) I wish they had handled it with care.

They could have sat her down, explained it to her gently and in details.

Instead Tanigaki merely tells her how Inkarmat was told by Kiro about how Wilk changed...

...which obviously makes Asirpa think her father was killed because he killed the Ainu.

Thanks Tanigaki, you’re really being emotionally supportive in this one, of course you’re here because you cared for Asirpa…

I mean, this is clearly a rather painful thing for her to learn. I get you’re the sort that has no idea what tact is but… but all this seems to be a ‘get over it, Kiroranke said your father betrayed their comrades’.

Besides, really Tanigaki, considering how hung up you were on Ogata when he betrayed the 7th, you should have felt even more sympathy for Kiro and instead just because BY MISTAKE he stabbed Inkarmat you had to make him pay at any cost even if you knew Inkarmat was betraying you all by tattling things out to Tsurumi, using YOU as a mean. I get you love her and are angry she got hurt but really, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

I’m upset Tanigaki, I really, really though you’ll do better and instead you go back on making the same mistakes.

Anyway I’ve always found interesting how we don’t see Kiro’s face in that scene.

Sugimoto says instead that ‘Nopperabo’ told him he didn’t kill the Ainu.

Honestly I’m not so fond of how he calls Asirpa’s father ‘Nopperabo’… he knows he’s Asirpa’s father by now and the guy had a name, no sense in using a nick that was cruelly referring to how his face got destroyed… but what’s worse it is how he’s telling her this only now… and in such a way. He’s basically cutting the whole conversation to a ‘he said he didn’t kill the Ainu’. Wilk said other things, things that could make his sentence more believable and that his daughter might wish/need to know.

Instead, this is the end. He doesn’t even really encourages Asirpa to believe in what Wilk said, he just tells her this despite Asirpa looking rather down.

Unless the topic will be raised later, that’s all Asirpa will know from them.

And that’s why I facepalm.

Really Sugimoto, didn’t you say you had lot of things to tell Asirpa? That ‘lot of things’ feels rather small now… and why are you telling her this only now? Too caught up in your Kiro hunting? Wasn’t this the first thing to tell her?

‘Asirpa, breathe in relief, your father told me he’s not the one who killed the Ainu?’

Not ‘Asirpa you put up some weight’ or ‘let’s go hunt Kiroranke’, just tell her something that would reassure her fear, a fear you admitted terrorized her. Really, Sugimoto, I don’t know what you’re thinking but I’m angry. Show a little more consideration for Asirpa’s feelings.

Back to Asirpa, she seems sad and confused (and it's noteworthy how in all this discussion her face was ALWAYS slightly shadowed instead than in full light... a hint to how Asirpa is holding inside herself her dark thoughts?)...

...then it dawns on her that Sofia is missing even though she should be nearby.

I wonder if this too is Asirpa’s attempt to distance herself from the thing because… really… if Sofia were to know what had happened, would come there where she would be clearly outnumbered by the men who killed Kiro? She’s a clever leader, she wouldn’t do something so dumb.

Meanwhile Tsukishima, due to blood loss thanks to his wound which apparently never got treated as he was PRESSING HIS HAND AGAINST IT THE ENTIRE TIME, falls on one knee.

Koito goes ‘Tsukishimaa!! Are you all right?’ to which Tsukishima answers he is when he’s clearly not while Tanigaki checks his wound and realizes it’s an awful one.

Koito at this point would want to hurriedly go back to Akou and for Tanigaki to carry Tsukishima on his back.

I’m… angry at Koito honestly.

We’ll see his arm is bandaged, meaning someone took care of his wounds, be it Tsukishima or Tanigaki or Koito himself, but Koito knew Tsukishima was hurt and yet, although he cares for Tsukishima, he apparently didn’t give him basic medical aid back not even NOW when the situation calmed down. This is not lack of leadership abilities, this is not immaturity, this is dumb. He saw Tsukishima being hurt, he got so angry at Tsukishima being hurt, it’s not like he cares for Kiro so his death upset him so… WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE CARE OF TSUKISHIMA?

And mind you, I’m not just angry at Koito but also furious at Tanigaki. Tsukishima has all the right side of his neck covered in blood and was applying pressure to the wound with his hand so it’s clear he was hurt and Tanigaki… Tanigaki just stood there. Tanigaki had been in the war, he knows wounds better than Koito so while Koito might not realize how bad Tsukishima was hurt, Tanigaki should have gotten it… but he clearly cares about Tsukishima even less.

Oh, and obviously Sugimoto doesn’t give a damn about Tsukishima either, but okay, despite travelling together, they weren’t friends apparently.

(If someone is wondering why I’m not mentioning Shiraishi it’s because A – Shiraishi really doesn’t know Tsukishima and B – Shiraishi just lost a friend and is mourning so he’s the only one who actually had a good reason not to notice how badly Tsukishima was hurt.)

As for Asirpa… it’s interesting in the scene in which Koito says they need to hurry back to Akou we see Asirpa’s sweating face.

I think the idea is Asirpa doesn’t want to go back with those people.

She knows the code now, or at least has a hint to it, and she should have realized they’re men from the 7th, working for Tsurumi in hope to get the gold. I don’t think she wants to give them the code. I think in a ways she probably feels trapped and alone at the idea to go back.

Still… a side of me is worried, while Tsukishima is unable to stand, Asirpa, who previously was always noticeable for her caring soul, is now all worried for Sofia, who exchanged letters with Kiro so she might know everything and looks around searching for her. In short she’s distancing from the present situation, focusing again on the goal.

Honestly, I’m afraid for Asirpa. Copying methods are good only for a short time. If she let the worry about her deceased father being a murder or not ruling her life and ignoring all that’s happening around her… she might end up losing herself in the process.

Sure, we might think it’s great she’s not desperate… but actually traumas don’t go away just because you don’t look at them in the face. She lived a traumatic experience after another. The fact she looks good doesn’t necessarily mean she IS good.

Truly, I’m afraid for her. I’m afraid she’ll lose her caring soul in attempt to keep the pain at bay and will end up empty in the process. I’m afraid she’ll change for worse. Now that I’m calm I know she’s VERY LIKELY not meant to, but I’m afraid. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

And, on a sidenote, this annoys me further with the guys.

Whatever her father did, for whatever reason he died… that’s no responsibility of Asirpa whatsoever. She was 6/7 when the Ainu were killed. Clearly not an age in which she could realize what Wilk was up and, if needed, stop him.

The guys should realize this and TELL HER. Damn it boys, just tell her she shouldn’t feel accountable for whatever her father did. She can feel responsible just the same, because that would be the response of many people but, at least, she’ll feel reassured the world won’t think she’s to blame. But no, it’s much better to let Asirpa feel responsible. I’m annoyed and I want to smack them.

While Asirpa looks around, Sugimoto, using his binoculars, catches a glimpse of Svetlana and… Asirpa points to a direction, I don’t know if it’s the same, claiming there’s people over there and I praise her eyesight as I can’t see them in Noda’s drawing.

We won’t see Svetlana again so… really, why is she in this story?

I like to think Noda had a point to introduce her but so far I’m not seeing it.

Anyway, while Tanigaki is hopefully taking care of Tsukishima’s wound (I don’t know, really, bandaging it feels like it would be a good idea guys but who am I to speak?), Koito informs Asirpa (really Koito you should be confident about her name, you came all that way to search her, it wasn’t a holiday trip!), they came till there to secure her and how they’re in a deal with Sugimoto, who’s cooperating with them, them as in the 7th because remember? Sugimoto promised Tsurumi the code to Tsurumi in exchange for 200 yen as he’s totally in charge of the Ainu gold and can totally influence Asirpa to do what he says (yeah, I’m still angry for Sugimoto’s deal with Tsurumi too) so she shouldn’t leave the group without Koito’s permission.

Koito evidently feels he’s in charge since Tsukishima is out of commission.

On a sidenote not much time ago I pointed out to how Koito isn’t smooth at all. I don’t know if it’s due to the translation or not but I basically get the feeling he told her she’s almost their prisoner and he’s in charge of her and Sugimoto agreed to this as well. This isn’t going to make him win Asirpa’s trust.

Asirpa couldn’t care less about Koito’s words as she decides she’ll go check whatever she saw and Sugimoto decides he’ll go as well.

Now… maybe this could be educative for Koito as he might learn how annoying it was when he was the one leaving the group, and I get Asirpa might hope it’s Sofia and might be in a rush to check if it’s her as she wanted to see her, and she’s probably upset by how Koito talked with her and, well, she’s likely trying to distance herself from everything so Asirpa’s situation is complicate but… well, this is bad.

Koito told her something relevant actually, that Sugimoto made a deal with the 7th. Ironically, even if Sugimoto clearly doesn’t mean to betray Asirpa, he’s the one who sold Asirpa’s code to Tsurumi for 200 yen instead than for 30 pieces of silver.

I wonder if Asirpa will keep this in mind, if it’ll weight on her or… if she’ll let it slide because it’s Sugimoto.

On another side what I really hate of this is how they decided to make this an ‘humorous moment’.

The first part of why I don't like it is easy to explain. The scene makes very clear how Koito got zero respect from Asirpa (it's even written in a box if you had missed it!), which okay is true and remarks how he’s no leader but… had it been Tsukishima the one who spoke up, would they had cared and remained there?

I’m willing to bet they wouldn’t have so this basically destroy the point it’s just because it’s Koito telling them so.

Going on.

I said this could be an ‘educative moment’ for Koito and how Asirpa might have reasons for wanting to rush there but… overall she and Sugimoto seem two little kids rushing away. Yeah, them acting as such doesn’t excuse Koito when he acts as such (he has the rank and he’s in a military mission) and point out how they don’t feel bound to the 7th but still…

And here there’s something else I really hate of the whole scene.

In his rush to go check, Sugimoto drops Ogata and leaves him on the cold ground. The whole thing is clearly played for laugh, same as how they’re acting like little kids and not listening Koito but it’s actually bad for many reasons.

I’ll skip how I don’t like the joke of letting an injured person fall on the ground. Humour is also a matter of personal tastes and this is my problem alone and I’ll focus on plot related reasons.

First of all, as said before, if Sugimoto didn’t care about leaving Ogata on the ground, he could have just let him down before, to help Shiraishi bury Kiro. The fact he didn’t point out how he wanted no part in it. Evidently, even if he couldn’t kill Kiro, he was still pissed at Kiro even after the man died to the point he didn’t even consider helping Shiraishi burying him.

Second, we aren’t really in an ‘only gags’ story. They worried to cover Ogata up with hat and mittens, a hint cold would be bad for him, but now they’re okay with rudely dropping him on the cold ground and leaving him there until they’re back because it’s not like Koito, Tsukishima or Tanigaki or Shiraishi can carry him on their backs. They could have spared putting him hat and mittens at this point. We’ll see in a following image Ogata’s lips are in a bad shape same as when he got involved in the fight with Vasily. More cold won’t be healthy to him. Same goes for an abrupt fall.

Third. They decided to go hunt Kiro carrying Ogata along even though it was a bad choice because it was extremely unpractical and now realize they would do better leave him behind to go check what’s going on ‘there’? With three people who wouldn’t mind murdering him on the spot? Couldn’t they check with the binoculars and see if Sofia was there or not?

Forth. Honestly, Koito was right. Sugimoto, same as him, is sure he can face everyone but they shouldn’t have left the group. And what if Sofia was there? What’s the plan? Asirpa would ask Sofia to tell her the truth and Sofia would tattle out everything obediently AND GIVE UP ON THE GOLD? AND BE OKAY WITH HOW KIRO WAS KILLED? Or Sugimoto planned to force her to talk? Sofia? Honestly, I’m starting to think Asirpa decided not to leave Ogata behind solely because she wants to question him again.

Fifth. Tsukishima is hurt and in need of medical aid, Koito has realized it late but he has realized it and Ogata is hurt as well and in need of medical aid so that’s not a good moment to run away and cause the whole group to slow down.

Sixth… well, this is again personal so it’s okay if you feel different but I get this is an attempt to lighten the mood because we’ve had some serious chapters and maybe we need to have our mood lightened but… but Kiro died, Tsukishima is badly hurt and Ogata, who almost died, is now unconscious, and theoretically might not survive (I’m sure he’ll survive by the way but the group isn’t mean to know Ogata has plot armour at the moment). Maybe I’ve just a different sense of humour but I don’t need Sugimoto and Asirpa to play little kids in such a moment. Honestly, for me, it doesn’t work, it’s like the ‘golden shower’ of chap 188. It felt anticlimactic and reduced a lot the impact of the scene instead than lightening the mood. But well, others might enjoy this sort of things so this is mostly my problem.

Anyway, no, it’s not Sofia who they saw but Gansoku, busy enjoying being beaten by a pair of escape convicts because… more humour.

Gansoku is delighted he had found Sugimoto again and follows him… while Sugimoto is clearly not positively impressed by how Gansoku enjoyed when he’s beaten, which is again meant to be seen as fun.

In the end Gansoku ends up on carrying Tsukishima bridal style. Tsukishima doesn’t comment. I don’t know if it’s because he really doesn’t really seem in a good shape or because this too is supposed to be humorous. Tanigaki carries the backpacks.

Honestly, I hope this will have a point and won’t be only just an attempt to lighten the mood because really, I know Golden Kamuy isn’t written with me as the ideal reader in mind but… but I didn’t like this at all. -_-

Shiraishi, bless the man, saves the situation by saying farewell to Kiroranke. He seems still sad.

Sugimoto and Asirpa look back but say nothing.

Sugimoto, you... really, you... I hope you’re just copying. Asirpa, really, I’m worried about you. You’re keeping too many things bottled inside.

Anyway Sugimoto asks Asirpa if, once they’ve carried the others to Ankou they should go search for Sofia again and I wonder… are you plotting to betray Tsurumi already Sugimoto? Because I don’t think you’re meant to leave Tsukishima’s group with Asirpa and do as you prefer.

On a sidenote this is one of the few scenes in which we see Ogata’s face. Is it random or is it meant to mean something? I don’t know.

Is Ogata conscious? Hard to say.

Asirpa says it’s unnecessary as Sofia will find her.

Yeah, you can bet on this, she’ll come for Asirpa and Asirpa is a clever girl to realize it.

The sad part is I think it means Asirpa understood that Sofia needs her for the code. Everyone wants Asirpa for the code. In a way she should feel horribly alone and, I think, she doesn’t want to tell anyone she has remembered it. Or will she tattle it out to Sugimoto? We’ll see. At this point I don’t know what to think.

Before she had to rush see if it was her because… humour. Now she’s fine with waiting for Sofia to find her.

The scene switches and we see Sofia moving away the ice blocks from Kiro’s face. On top of Kiro’s ice burial we can see Kiro’s damaged knife (remember the Ainu’s tradition to damage the objects of the deceased?). I don’t know but watching again at Kiro’s dead face again, somehow break my heart all over again.

Maybe that’s because it’s Sofia who’s watching him, Sofia who cares about him and it’s painful to hear her giving him her farewell and telling him she won’t forget him. I think Kiro’s death hurt Sofia even more than Shiraishi.

Sofia slapped Kiro even though she knew Kiro too loved Wilk and did what he did because he believed it necessary and then… she let him go alone to search for Asirpa… and next she saw him, he was dead. I bet Sofia feels responsible and thinks if she had gone with him he might have been still alive. I wonder if she ever realized he loved her. I don’t know, I’ve so many feelings for this scene.

The background is soft, with all those bubbles of light it’s as if it was an almost magical/spiritual moment. As if Kiro’s soul was there to listen her.

It was painful to see Shiraishi bury Kiro with so much love despite everything, but seeing Sofia giving her goodbye to Kiro… it really breaks my heart.

Really, this is a beautiful scene, one that works and has a point instead of that ‘humorous one’ of moments ago.

The scene ends with the focus on Kiro’s knife, then we switch to Sugimoto who returns to Asirpa the knife she gave him when he went to talk with Nopperabo.

We actually don’t see what he gives her until later, when we’ll see an image of Asirpa standing with her knife latched to her side.

Anyway Asirpa seems touched and thanks him...

before she latches it again at her side while Sugimoto tells her they should go back to Hokkaido.

Asirpa’s image with her knife latched on her side covers most of the scene, behind her there’s Sugimoto, mostly covered by her but still visible. On his back but barely visible there’s Ogata. The positioning of the character is a little odd as Asirpa’s body is basically turned in the opposed direction of Sugimoto’s body and light is breaking down from the clouds and… I don’t know, it’s a little weird how this scene was drawn, putting emphasis on Asirpa’s standing figure with her knife on the side.

The scene switches and we move back to Hokkaido, at Noboribetsu hell valley hot spring.

We get some exposition about it but the only relevant part is that the 7th division go there to treat their wounds. So we see poor Nikaido sitting under a waterfall, looking as if he had apparently gotten better (the last we’ve seen of him he was desperate because Sugimoto had died and he had lost his hand and wanted to let himself die as he refused food).

Usami is with him and… he’s letting the water hit his groins. Is he doing it because he has some sort of masochistic tendencies or he got a groin wound? Or it’s just another attempt at humour?

Well, if it is, I don’t mind it. Mind you, it’s still not my kind of humour, but the situation is different and, along with the change of scene, I’m okay with Noda making jokes to lighten the situation.

They’re joined by the warrant officer Kikuta, who had a nasty scar on his chest, where his heart is… and also his forehead seems protruding a bit, although a little less than Ushiyama (and he’s also a... gifted man, sorry for cutting the lower part of the scene but I don’t want to fight with Tumblr censorship politics).

Long story short, this guy’s rank is above Tsukishima but below Koito so Usami goes all polite with him as he asks him how his wound is going. Usami has also his forehead shadowed and is sweating so I’ll assume he’s pretty nervous.

Kikuta asks Usami if they were sent there by Tsurumi who got worried about him. I think Kikuta might be ironic because Usami doesn’t reply hurries to go back to let water hit his groins (he had pulled himself up before).

That or there’s more we don’t know about, regarding this guy. While Usami seemed worried Nikaido seems to be comfortable around this guy.

Kikuta tells him how private first class Ariko told him a weird story regarding how he met a weird guy in an hot spring deeper in the mountains the pitch-black night before, one who was wearing geta and could escape even without using a lamp.

Of course our memory automatically goes back to Toni Anji, who was a blind bandit and therefore could do such things (even the text mentioning Tengu seems to be a call back to him), though I wonder if it could be actually another convict.

I mean, Toni didn’t really wear geta, they assumed he did but actually the sound was caused by him clicking his tongue. Did Ariko really saw the geta or only heard the sound and assumed those were geta?

We still miss 5 convicts so we need to meet another soon.

To have Toni Anji back, though would be good as well as it had been a while form the last time we saw him and it would be interesting if he were to be up on something, maybe hunting another convict since he wasn’t with Hijikata when the man went on hunting for Sekiya. I wonder if Kantarou is with him as well.

As for Kikuta… he’s apparently a member of the 7th and, I think, there could be more about him. Usami’s reaction to him was interesting, same as how Nikaido instead seems to be comfortable with him. And how did he got wounded?

Was he maybe among the men who tried to transfer the convicts? Was he wounded by Hijikata and left for death?

Or he got injured when they fought Tsuyama?

Or was he involved in the Abashiri attack?

Hard to say but I hope he and this first class Ariko whom he just mentioned will turn out into interesting characters.

Can they be more rebels maybe? That’s why Nikaido gets along well with him? Or there’s more?

Is he a close accomplice to Tsurumi, one who’s maybe into all the dirty jobs Tsurumi makes like killing Hanazawa?

Or does Tsurumi suspect him?

Well, for now we can only wait and see as the story shift from the ‘Russian invasion’ group to the 7th again.

Again sorry if this chap’s analysis did turn out poor. Really Kiro’s death is still weighting on me and somehow it didn’t help. Sorry about it.

Edit: In this chapter Kikuta and Ariko's names were spelled Kikuda and Arako. As I know know the correct spelling, I fixed it.

[justsomebucky]

The Friendly Wager (Part 2)

Summary: AU. Reader and Bucky Barnes are neighbors and best friends. After yet another bad date, reader comes home to find Bucky with his typical weekend target. They decide to make a wager about dating, but is there more on the line than reader cares to admit?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 2,613

Warnings: language, fluff, sarcasm, complete and utter denial, social drinking

A/N: This is my submission for the lovely Kait’s ( @bionic-buckyb) 5k AU Challenge. Congrats on the followers, friend! My prompt was “Can you please come over so I don’t feel so alone?”

Part 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Wanda sighed at you as you both stood in line for coffee the following Monday. You’d just given her the rundown of your date (or lack thereof), and she wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear it.

“I can’t believe you didn’t like Alex! He’s got a great job, he’s handsome, and-“

“He’s a total prick,” you supplied, rolling your eyes. “Wanda, just because someone looks good on paper, it doesn’t make them a good match for me.”

You’d seen it before, soooo many times. How many guys had you met over the years that promoted themselves as caring, kind, deep-thinking, family-oriented, etcetera?

“Then let’s find you a real match. Use one of those dating app thingies.”

Wanda was so far removed from dating, having been happily married to her husband Vis now for two years (after three years of dating) that she didn’t even know any of the dating app names.

“I tried all the big name apps,” you admitted, shuffling forward as the line shortened. “It’s a world of unwelcome dick pics and unsolicited sexual compliments. OH! And do you know what the best part is? It’s when you aren’t interested and politely turn them down. They almost always throw back the old, ‘Well you’re just an ugly bitch anyways’ line.”

Wanda visibly cringed. “O-kay. So…how about those singles’ events that happen around the city? Speed dating, bar crawls, even trivia nights! There’s lots of events you can try.”

“Well, I have to wait and see when my date with the jerk that Bucky’s going to pick will be, before I can try for a real date,” you reasoned.

“You two are idiots. I can’t believe you agreed to this stupid wager. You could be out looking for Mr. Right instead of spending time with Mr. Bad Influence and his chosen stallion. You’re going to lose, you know. You’re tolerance for assholes is at an all-time low.”

“Why do you think I’ve never liked Bucky?” you joked, turning to order coffee for you both. “He’s their leader!”

When you were done paying, you turned to back to her. She was eyeing you silently. Her expression unnerved you, like she was trying to get inside your head and read your thoughts or something.

“What?”

“Why haven’t you ever liked Bucky? You guys are best friends, after all. Don’t they always say that the best relationships begin with a solid friendship?” An annoying little smile formed on her mouth.

You snorted sarcastically. “It’s called friend zone for a reason, sweetie. He’s got such a harem, you don’t even know. I could never trust a man like that in a relationship. No, we’re definitely better as best friends. God, we need to get you out of that penthouse more often, don’t we? You’ve been trapped in a wealthy bubble with Vis too long, and have completely lost touch with reality.”

“I’m not the one who’s lost it,” Wanda retorted. “Are you going to tell Natasha about your wager?”

Blech…Natasha.

The thought of your best friend seeing Natasha all the time made your stomach turn. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Natasha, you really did, but she was one of those women who were just perfect. She was a little too perfect. “Not yet. I don’t want him to get any advantage.”

“What advantage could that possibly give Bucky?”

Your mind reeled, trying to bullshit your way through an answer. “She might voluntarily go to him for a date, and then what incentive would he have to carry out his end of the deal? You’ve been to his restaurant, Wan! The food is so damn good! I’m going to win, and I’m going to eat so well for an entire week that your face will be green with envy.”

Wanda hummed at you. “Why didn’t you tell her about his interest in her, back when she said she thought he was cute?”

You shrugged. “He was seeing two different women at the time, and she deserves better than that. Anyone deserves better.”

She gave you another pointed look, but thankfully didn’t say anything else.

What you were truly worried about, though you’d never admit it to anyone, ever, was that Natasha was Bucky’s future wife. She was literally perfect for him, not just perfect in general. You could see it clear as day that they were absolutely, undoubtedly made for each other. They’d get married, move away, and you’d never see your best friend again.

It was totally selfish, and utterly unlike you, but you just weren’t ready to lose him.

Your eyes flitted back and forth between your nearly-ready coffee and your coworker. If she didn’t push the issue any further, you sure as hell weren’t going to volunteer anymore of your feelings on the matter.

She didn’t need to know the details. Once you found your own future husband, you could send Bucky and Nat on their merry way, and be content with seeing him once, maybe twice a year.

The way Wanda was silently smirking at you was making you uncomfortable.  

“Come on,” you muttered, grabbing your coffee with a quick thank you to the barista. You turned to head back to the elevators, to the stacks of papers waiting for you in your lab. “We’ve got work to do.”

---

It was hours later, and you still couldn’t get the conversation with Wanda out of your mind.

Were you purposefully sabotaging your best friend’s sure thing relationship for your own selfish needs? How terrible of a person did that make you? Natasha was a nice girl, and you certainly loved your best friend enough to want him to be happy.

Natasha would obviously make him happy.

They deserved a chance, at least. You decided then and there, no matter how this all turned out, you were still going to let Natasha know that Bucky was interested. It was the right thing to do.

You were just finishing up your last notations when your phone buzzed next to your laptop. With a quick tap, you leaned over to read the message. The illustrious Bucky was summoning you.

Already found the perfect guy for you, Y/N! How’s it coming with trying to find me my own Rey?

Your eyes narrowed at the screen. How did he work that fast?

Actually, now that you thought about it, it made perfect sense. Bucky, as a woman-using douche himself, probably had a whole gaggle of douchebag friends to choose from. You sighed as you reached for your phone.

Haven’t found the right victim yet. Let me know when Romeo and I can meet.

You waited for a reply, and smirked at the screen when you got one.

You got it. His name isn’t Romeo, though, it’s Peter Quill. He’s a buddy of mine from my gym. He flies a rescue chopper for the Coast Guard. Who knows, you might like him, since you’re in love with all those Star Wars pilots.

Does he have dark, curly hair, and look like Poe Dameron?

No, but he’s not a half bad-looking dude. I still don’t think you’ll last an entire date with the guy, though.

You snickered. Fine, send him my number and let’s get this terrible date rolling.

Will do. Don’t forget your half of the wager. ;)

You’re stomach lurched a little. How could you possibly forget?

Heaving another sigh, you locked the screen and shoved your phone in your pocket, then shut off the desk lamp. You had stayed after hours again, having volunteered for the third time that week to do some internal testing on the latest gadget, as you were the only one without a family to go home to.

Maybe that would change. Maybe this Peter guy would turn out to only be a douche on the surface, and have a heart of gold deep down. After all, devoting your life to rescuing people wasn’t something to take lightly. This might actually work out in your favor.

This could be your chance to stay quiet the next time your supervisor asks for volunteers to complete projects after hours. You could stay quiet knowing that you had plans, or someone to go home to for the first time in your adult life.

You wondered if Bucky would be willing to cook for two when you win the bet with the help of your new pilot boyfriend. The thought made you giddy.

With your bag on your shoulder, you closed your lab door quietly behind you and turned to leave. The halls were practically empty except for a few from the janitorial staff, and the only other lonely soul who worked on your floor and stayed late regularly.

“Goodnight,” you called out to your coworker, Rosie, as you passed her cube to get to the elevators.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” she said softly. “Have a good one, see you tomorrow!”

“See you tomorrow.”

Poor thing. Rosie was such a good egg, and you wished she could find someone, too. She was painfully shy, though, and a self-admitted hermit. In fact, you can’t remember the last time you heard her discuss having a date-

You stopped short, nearly dropping your bag, then backed up a few paces.

She looked up at you in confusion.

“Hey, Rosie…what would you say if I told you I knew a guy who I think would be a good match for you?”

It was hard to keep a straight face, but there was chicken parm and homemade tiramisu on the line here. A little bit of guilt crept into your brain as your conscience tried to stop you, but you figured this might be a good experience for Rosie. Maybe she would be willing to give it a try.

Then again, it could stop her from dating for the rest of her life if Bucky really mucked things up.

Much to your relief, Rosie’s face brightened considerably. “Really? Who?”

You forced a smile to your face.

---

The next day, you met with Bucky at a pub after work for Happy Hour to go over your findings.

The two of you were sitting side-by-side at the bar, comparing pictures. It was pretty empty for a Ladies’ Night, which you were thankful for. You didn’t really want Bucky’s wandering eye to leave you here alone. While it hadn’t happened yet, you knew it was only a matter of time before he ditched you while you were out together.

“Rosie, huh?” Bucky’s blue eyes studied her picture carefully on your phone, before he chuckled and lifted his gaze to meet yours. “She’s not plain in the least. I’m starting to think you don’t know that many women, or at least how to compare what they look like to the word plain. This is Rey all over again.”

“She might not be plain, but she’s quiet and not flirtatious at all. And if you hurt her I will have to hurt you.” You grabbed your phone out of his hands. “She’s a nice person.”

“When’s my date?”

“This Friday night.”

Bucky nodded. “Good, because once I finish my shift at the restaurant Friday, I’m on vacation for that entire next week. I’ll knock this date out, win the wager, and have lots of time to prep for a real date on the following Friday night.”

He meant a ‘real’ date with Natasha, that smug sonofa…

“You mean, you’ll have time to cook for me that whole week after, then, don’t you?” you asked in a sweet voice.

“Ha! You won’t last, no freaking way. Rosie and I, on the other hand, are a good date waiting to happen.”

“Whatever.” You sighed through your nose in exasperation, taking a sip of your own cocktail. This man just never quit with the overconfidence, did he? “You have to pick her up in a fancy car or something, though. I told her you had money.”

“So you lied, then?” Bucky shook his head at you. “Should I be hurt? I’ve never needed a lie to sell myself as a good date, Y/N.”

“No, it’s not a lie, though,” you protest, brows furrowing as you looked over at him. “You’re a freaking sous-chef in a five star Manhattan restaurant.  You’ve got money. You just choose to Fred Mertz it.”

Bucky made a face. “You’re lucky I know what that means, or I would think you were calling me old and cranky.”

That was true.

Sometimes Bucky would come over on Saturday mornings, whining that he was bored or hungover from his wild night before. He would try to get you to go with him for coffee, or breakfast, or get out and do anything, and sometimes you would.

But mostly, you were unwilling to move from your couch, or dress in something other than pajamas, or change the channel from your regularly scheduled viewing of reruns of ‘I Love Lucy,’ so he’d give up arguing with you over it, and just sit and watch with you. But his protests couldn’t fool anyone; you knew Bucky loved the show now, too.

“And I don’t penny-pinch and hoard money for no reason,” he continued defensively. “Some of us like having a savings account. Some of us want to purchase a grown-up place someday.”

You stuck your tongue out at him. He knew your paycheck was about one-fourth of his, and that in order to keep your beautiful Brooklyn apartment, you mostly lived paycheck-to-paycheck.

“Like I said, she’s a nice person. Just don’t, like, embarrass her or me or something.”

“Why’d you find me someone who was too nice to be used, then? Isn’t that the whole purpose of the date? To use someone so that we can prove a point one way or another? She’s your friend that you’re subjecting to the bet.” He reached in his pocket for his own phone. “I can’t imagine that I’ll be seeing her again, anyways, if she’s that nice. She’ll get her hopes up when she sees me, though, so I’ll try to let her down gently, for you.”

“So modest,” you muttered, tearing his phone out of his hands to see the picture he’d pulled up.

“That is one Mr. Peter Quill,” Bucky said, taking a sip from his beer. You knew he was watching your face for your reaction.

To your surprise, the man in the photo didn’t outwardly look like your regular Alex McDouchnozzle type. Peter was handsome, but in a boyish, dorky kind of way. You didn’t see a trace of smugness in his expression, but that was not always something they showed outright. You figured that around only half of them that did that, including Bucky. “What’s his douche level, in your opinion?”

“Well…” Bucky thought about it for a moment, taking another swig of beer before setting the bottle down on the bar top. “Peter’s a…complicated man. He thinks he’s a space pilot, even gave himself the code name Starlord to use on flights, though I’m pretty sure the Coast Guard frowns on that in serious situations.”

You bit back a laugh. “You’re serious with him, then? This Peter guy is my date?”

“Yep, and no way do you last a whole date with him.”

“Watch me.” You smiled down at Peter’s bearded face. “This couldn’t possibly be so bad. Maybe I can pretend his delusions are real to get through the date. Or, maybe he’s not as bad as you’re saying, and you’re just trying to throw me off my dating game so that I lose patience and leave the guy sitting there after appetizers? Either way, I’ll be fine.”

Bucky let out an almost evil laugh, putting a hand on your shoulder. “Remember those words when this Friday rolls around.”

Part  3 

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[sariedust]

Hak x Yona Relationship Development

Hi everyone! The real world has dragged me into the grips of chaos lately so I haven’t been able to be around much. Some of you probably wonder who I am, I’ve been gone so long and not saying anything but reblogging the occasional post. I’ve been spending my time by opening my door, my house and my love to a few kids that need it. This also requires a lot of patience and quality time which leaves little time for much free time in the evening. Accomplishing life requirements has been an adventure in creativity of late.

I’m spending the little time I have by doing my part in bashing the fash and smashing the patriarchy here in the US, even if it’s just making calls and sending faxes while I educate myself about everything important to me. Anyway miracle upon miracle, the last two nights have been peaceful and easy and not a 4 hour long process, so I have time to devote to some self-care by doing something for myself. Yep. I’m gonna fangirl and talk a bit.

@mephhius​ sent me convo wanting to know my thoughts on the recent Hak x Yona kiss. First off, I had to wipe a tear away because someone actually remembered me. Do you know how long it’s been? I exist in someone’s mind! Secondly, someone still wants to know my opinion? I’m so happy! I don’t care if anyone else reads this or thinks “why the hell do I care what she thinks?” Someone else does--my day is made.

Anyway...hopefully I won’t get too long winded here but these are my thoughts on the Hak x Yona kiss.

Well, obviously I’m a huge Hak x Yona shipper so the kiss was something that made me incredibly happy to see. I flashed it to anyone who I thought might care even the littlest about to squeal at it like a 12 year old girl and fangirl.They were 12 year old girls, mostly. Real ones. The particular one I showed first might have ripped my phone from my hand to go squeal with other 12 year old girls. That was the fangirl me that was finally like “Maybe this will actually get her feelings through his head.” Yona, I mean. Not the 12 year old girl.

And then there is the plotty author/writer me who loves to delve into the characterization of characters I love. That side of me said “WELP! That escalated quickly.” Not because the timing was off in relationship development or I didn’t think they were ‘there’ yet. They are. Yona has known for a while her feelings for Hak. She’s freed herself of the emotional attachments of the past long before discarding the hairpin and admitted to herself that she loves him. She lacks the emotional roadblocks Hak possesses in their relationship and so her making the first move was somewhat expected to me. It was the manner in which it came out of nearly thin air which leaves me a little hesitant to say it was perfect. It wasn’t. It was hurried and sudden and lacked the passion I’d hoped for from their first kiss.

I sort of feel like I settled. I’m a Zero x Yuuki shipper from Vampire Knight, so I’m used to feeling pretty ripped off. I just wish there as something ‘more’ for them. It was literally one page turn and it goes from zero to sixty without any notice. Kusanagi can do better. She’s put out some really heated and perfect kisses in the past and I expect them from her.

It wasn’t like she didn’t cover all her bases, she did go back and give us proper motivation from Yona AFTER. Her inner thoughts give great motivation, she just is telling us after rather than showing us during, which is why I sort of feel ripped off. It was the way Hak looked at her, as if letting her go was the very last thing he wanted to do but his TRUST in her and her abilities was what won out. That is huge because Yona, this entire time, has wanted to become someone who can stand on her own two feet and not be a burden to him. Praise of her ability and strength from Hak is a huge motivation for her. The “Princess Yona is here” speech, entering her in the archery contest, calling her someone pretty amazing--all pushed her feelings more and more toward him.

Hak’s safety and not being a hindrance to him has been her motivation for everything since the moment she chopped her hair off. It’s the very reason they got the dragons in the first place. That they aren’t here now and he’s letting her go off alone is HUGE. For the first time she’s reached that moment she feels she’s ‘reached him’, knows her feelings and has rid herself of the ties holding her back-then it makes a lot more sense why those emotions suddenly gushed out.

It’s just a matter if Hak decides to live in denial about them.

[lotornomiko]

The Dark Flavor Of Addiction Chapter Five

3B cannon divergence with a heavy focus on a secret sexual relationship between Hook and Belle. Both devoted and swearing to love others, Hook and Belle both can't deny the irresistible passion and attraction they have for one another, leading to repeated secret trysts, hurt feelings, and a whole lot of jealousy. But what happens when feelings unravel completely,& secrets come out?

Captain Beauty Endgame...so not safe for work....

Broken by it, by her, the feelings that I have had, that I have harbored for Emma, twist. Until little is left but ugly resentments, and the regret that even now I can't tell her no. Maybe I'll never be able to. Maybe I'll find myself forever in Emma's thrall. Always helpless to resist, always on the outskirts of his shadow, watching and waiting for the love that I will never have.

It and love's promise of happiness never seem farther from me than it does now, the chance of it dangling just out of my reach. I can grab for it all I want, can and have made a fool of myself trying, but in the end it amounts to nothing, my hand alone not enough. I am not enough, some fault from within leaving me unworthy. Of it and of her, some stone carved rule setting out my path. Villains don't get happy endings, and I'm as rotten as they come. Have been that way for a long, long time, and all the wishing in the world won't change it, my past misdeeds or me.

Knowing what I am, even accepting it, doesn't lessen the blow. There's an anger simmering inside me, a darkness boiling over in direct response to the hurts that have been dealt me. I resent her, and I resent him, and it's all I can stand to do as Emma asks of me. Favors both voiced and not, the staying with him, and the standing aside. Both deal in equal measures of pain, the hurt that I am feeling and my resentments increasing. I don't want to be anywhere near them, don't want to see, to witness the love that they have expressed.

To that end, I excuse myself from the room. It's no easier to breathe out in the hall, the dark press of emotion crushing me in it's grip. But at least I can't see them, can't watch the way they hold hands, or witness every second that she continues to linger by his side. I can't escape my disappointments however, or the anger inside of me. At her, at them, but also at myself. For all of it, for her, for the disappointments I had set myself up for, and for the fact I had known from the start that this is how it would all end.

There's a part of me that has never lost sight that we weren't really meant to be, that has always been aware of the fact that there had always been some sort of obstacle between us. Her love for Neal, the kind of man that I myself am, even whole realms between us, a part of me had still foolishly tried. And just as I had tried, I had set myself up to fail, a part of me divided, my interests split between the two. Emma AND Belle, and neither one of them were what I had originally set out to make them be.

A part of the equation long before my interest in Emma became romantic, Belle's been a part of my life for years. She's been the means to my revenge, she's been my pleasure made real, and most of all, Belle has been there as comfort, seeing me through both the good times and the bad. She's been there for the highs and the lows, has even saved my life. She's as close to a friend as I can call, and she doesn't remember even half of what she's done for me.

An indispensable, invaluable facet of my life, it's no wonder that I haven't been able to cut her free. My secret addiction, the sweet drug I've grown dependant on, I've gone from using her for revenge, to actually needing her. Especially now, the bad habit established, the hurt that Emma has dealt me, leaving my emotions raw and reeling. Sparking need within me, my desires and instincts mingling, the response that I've conditioned inside me seeking an end to the pain in the only way that I now know how. That brand of comfort that Belle is so good at, my pain pushed aside, forgotten in the moments that I am buried inside her.

In those moments, no one else seems to matter. Not Emma, not Neal, not anyone else in this God forsaken town. The problems that seem to plague Storybrooke, the things that even I should be concerned with, turn inconsequential, and I'm back to being that greedy, selfish pirate. Existing only for my wants and needs. It's not just about coming, not just about comfort. There's a burning need there, a passion that's well met, Belle just as addicted, yearning for me, WANTING me in a way that Emma has never.

It's that wanting that tips it all over, that sexual longing we both feel for one another that has kept me coming back. It's been a sizzling awareness from the start, an undeniable chemistry that neither one of us has tried very hard to fight. We're a well matched pair, Belle and I, right down to our complete disregard of the consequences our actions may ultimately have. On each other, and on others, this reckless, lustful need stopping just short of complete self destruction.

A volatile thing, a need this powerful won't just end because Belle demands it to. There's a reason it's called addiction, why you can't just quit cold turkey. Belle is naive if she thinks otherwise, and I'll be there to catch her when she finally falls. And if she needs a little push in the process, I'll do THAT too. Because I've already decided, and I don't care if my actions will be dragging us both down. Belle doesn't get to decide when and how this ends. Any more than I do. It's not smart and it's not sane, this addiction such that it may get one or both of us killed. It'll be one hell of a ride in the process, and perhaps that thrill will be worth the trouble that follows.

There's only the slightest thread of worry within me, the slightest sliver of concern. Some damnable soft emotion, a feeling born of noble intentions. I'm not anywhere strong enough to heed it, that same voice from before doing the faintest of whispers. I realize it's not just the strength that I lack, but the desire, and I'm so tired of trying to do right. In trying to become good enough for Emma, I've lost sight of myself, and I can't be that selfless any more.

I feel a weight lift up off me, all attempts at playing the hero gone. There's a weary acceptance in me, but also a sense of right. We all have roles to play, and mine fits me like a familiar glove. I slide into it without looking back, don't pause to say so much as a goodbye. The man that I could have been, that love that I had been striving for, nothing but distant and bitter memories better left forgotten.

It's the cold eyes of Captain Hook that meet Emma's, and the woman's so addled with her love and concern for another that she doesn't even notice the change. Maybe none of them do. Maybe they've never seen me as anything but a pirate, never believing in the chance that I could be better. The man that I had once tried to be would have flinched, hurt by that realization, by the mere idea that they had doubted in his ability to change. The man that I am now simply doesn't care, untouched by their opinions, by their complete disregard of who I had tried to become.

That wanna be hero makes my lips curl. He's weak and pathetic, and an existence who has brought me nothing but pain. I certainly won't miss him, not the pain, not the heart break, not the numerous hurts that Emma herself has helped to inflict. That man who I had tried to be, hadn't known any better, too caught up in the pursuit, trying his best to become worthy. He---I had never stood a chance of that, or of her, and all the wishing in the world won't change that.

The raw realization is one I have known for just short of forever, and it's one I have been fighting, blindly protesting and outright denying. I have just hurt myself more for all those attempts at denial, Emma's every action sharpening the dagger I have willing thrust inside me. I've bled for her, and I've bled all over Belle, every time Emma so much as thought of Neal sending me running to the brown haired beauty.

Emma's done a lot more than just worry, the love expressed today open and honest. There's no room for doubts, no room for ME, Emma just as in love with Neal as he is with her. The wounds that I've helped Emma make, lay open, and it is anger and resentments that fester inside them. Blame bubbles in my heart, the twisted dark emotions ugly with what they make me feel, what they make me think.

It's with dark sullen eyes that I watch the two say their goodbyes. It's sickening the way she lingers at his side, the way she acts as though this parting is going to be longer than a handful of hours. Most rage inducing of all, is the one trust she gives me, Emma expecting me to stay, to watch over and protect the man that she loves. That I do must mean some flicker of the hero must still remain inside me, that or some self loathing need to inflict as much pain on myself as possible.

There's a million tortures to be found in this room even after Emma has left it. The scent of her perfume lingers,and it's strongest by the bed. By HIM, Neal sitting there, smiling, as love addled as Emma. Not even the danger that he's in, can make him focus on anything else for long, Neal aware of his victory, and just how lucky a man he now is.

I turn away from him, turn away from that love addled smile. Turn away from the soft warmth in his eyes, and go to stare out a window. There's people out on the hospital's lawns, but they barely hold my attention. Especially when he finally speaks, Neal's voice soft, wistful.

"Hard to believe that a whole year has gone by."

I glance sideways at him, but don't turn from the window. "What's it like to lose a year of your life?"

Neal shrugs. ""I'd say strange, but...that doesn't begin to cover it. It feels like just yesterday that I watched Emma and my son go driving over the town line..." He's a blur of restless movements, rubbing a hand over his face, shifting his legs on the bed. "Are you really sure it's been a whole year?"

"I'm sure." I don't bother to tell him I counted out every day since I had been torn from Emma's side by Pan's curse. "And if you don't trust my way of counting, then there's the fact that Snow White is due to give birth just about any day now."

"Makes me wonder what else we missed out on, what else we all got up to during this past year." I feel his curious gaze settle on me. "I understand you weren't cursed."

"No." A curt answer is all I give him. I'm not willing to go into the details, not willing to share with him the sacrifices I had made. Both to avoid the dark curse, and to play hero to a woman who doesn't want me.

"Don't you find that at all strange?" He asks me. "Why you out of all the people in this town?"

"Just lucky I guess."

"No one is that lucky by chance!" Neal retorts. "Something or someone had to warn you. I want to know who."

"Too bad for you but we don't always get what we want."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Neal frowns at me.

"Nothing." I lie. "Instead of focusing on what you can't remember, you should focus on what you do have. Emma and your son...."

"He doesn't remember me." Neal whispers. "Henry doesn't remember a damn thing about me. No, it's worse than that. He thinks I'm a loser. He thinks I abandoned him and his mother..."

"Didn't you?" I asked, and turn a curious gaze on him. "It's my understanding you left her to rot in a jail for your crimes."

"It wasn't like that!" Neal protested. "I was...I didn't, that is..I thought I was doing what was best for her."

"For her, or for you?" I demand. He frowns in response. "We both know you didn't want to go back to your father. We both know you were ready to do just about anything to avoid him. I bet when you found out she was the savior you couldn't run far enough fast enough...."

His face turns an angry shade of red, and his hands are clenching into fists. Neal shakes his head again, and then abruptly tears out the iv line and it's needle from his arm. "This is stupid." He announces, and goes to stand and gather his things. I am half hearted as I move to block the door, not really wanting to stop him, not really caring to try.

"Get out of my way Hook."

"Emma asked me to stay here with you." I point out, my gaze just as hard as his.

"And we both know you do whatever she asks, right?" He demands, and my jaw clenches in reply. "Look, it doesn't matter. I don't have time for your games. I need to be out there, with Emma, trying to find my father and whoever is responsible for the curse that was cast. We need to work together to stop her...."

"In your condition you'll just get in Emma's way."

"I'll be fine." He insists, and then pushes past me. "The sooner we find this witch, the sooner we can all go back to our normal lives...or whatever passes for normal in this town."

"Yeah, good luck with that." I mutter insincerely. But I let him go. I've little real interest in stopping him, and if Neal's that energetic, than he deserves whatever he gets. And I'm through caring about what happens to him, or about what Emma's reaction will be. To him, to me, to all of it. I'm through with their problems, and with the problems plaguing this town. From now on I'm out for myself, and myself alone, taking what I want when I want it, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me.

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After You Give, Do You Expect Something in Return?

Maybe You’ve heard this parable in the East:

While browsing the temple one day, a young seeker approached a Zen MAster learn to request a profound query, "What is the difference in between Heaven and Hell?"

"There's not one", the master responded.

"Truly?” First, stated the fisherman incredulously,  "I don't even know"                                                            

The Master  responded with this narrative: An individual was questioned if he desired to move to paradise or to hell.  The man answered that he'd like to see these both before pic first, had he visited hell.  There the man saw a sizable table laden with a sumptuous, bountiful feast.  You will find lots of starving individuals in hell seated at the desk, every man maintained a very long set of chopsticks.  They might get to the food items however they couldn't get it in their mouths as their chopsticks ended up overly much time.  No matter how hard they tried, they were not able to get the food to their mouths.  Delicacies lay scattered here and now there, plus they grew angry with each other, just about every believing the others were doing much better than they.  They were miserable.  Nobody had been eating and everybody else went hungry.  The scene has been just one of sheer torture. Then, the person had been shot to see paradise.  Each of the people of he was also seated in a table equal to the one at hell which has been packed with delicious foodstuff.  They too had very long chopsticks, but here the folks were all happy.  They were all eating and enjoying themselves because here, these were utilizing their chopsticks to feed one another across the desk. "That, you see," stated the Zen Learn, “is the only difference between paradise and hell,”

Truthful Sharing

One of those manners we most frequently express appreciation is by discussing.  Sharing amplifies the joys of living also leaves us to feel much more abundant, far more fulfilled.  That’s therefore why often, once we learn or embrace a new experience that individuals feel have enhanced our lives, our normal tendency is always to want to share our revelation or happiness.  This makes us feel even more wonderful to think that the others could detect exactly the exact same delight that we have.  Inside this sense, such lending is now receiving.Why can it be that sometimes people are very open to our sharing, and other times that they vehemently reject their contributions?There are two sorts of giving.  One breeds feelings of bitterness and deficiency, as the other, unbounded satisfaction.  One feels just like we loose some thing at the giving, many notably if that which we provide is not well obtained.  The other means of giving seems great, regardless of precisely what the outcome.For instance, assume you experience increased health and wellness in the New Years resolution to develop into a vegetarian.  Now that you simply’r e 3 weeks to your new regime, then you opt to give everybody you like "a surprise."  So then the next time you host a Sunday family amassing you enthusiastically usher each and every one among your nearest relatives to their own chairs around the exquisitely place dining room dining table for a feast.  And after that, you introduce them using a Tofurkey roast in place of your standard coveted-by-all Roast Steak, then you're then stunned when your giving is fulfilled ridicule and jeers, and you also sulk as you are the brunt of the avalanche of "amusing” dirty jokes everybody must tell during the remaining portion of the meal.  It may be either resentful and smashed, or go along with the flow and enjoy that although your gesture may possibly perhaps not need to be looked to bowl everyone else above, you offered something brand new to everyone and for that you are able to feel that you are a generous, courageous, luminary no matter what other people thinks.Just what can be acquired freely out of you personally with love and enthusiasm comes untainted by ego.  If you're searching for approval or looking for some thing in turn, at all, you are not truly giving.  By looking appreciation, you're essentially expressing, I'm unsure of myself and so cannot experience my very own values at the moment, and now I believe that love and attention from the others will provide me exactly what exactly is missing in my own life.  

Approve of me, please approve me personally, so I feel validated and could go on living my own life, with no the fear of losing my area in the tribe” Envision what would have happened if Kate had shared her “dieting" adventures with Jake from the story in this posture, “approve of me please” in the place of sharing them with honest happiness and authenticity, no matter what his reply… their dining room experience will be much different.There is nothing you are able to do in order to make appreciation.  It only is sold when you share authentically.  In this’s the circumstance, then some thing essential consistently comes straight back again to you personally.If you feel empty, and also search others to meet you, note that people very often perceive this being an attack and feel confident, rejecting your “very good goals." 

Once we need the others to receive us, this puts requirements on our love--since the ego attempts to restrain how our love is both skilled and how we encounter it--also limits our own expertise of this , which makes it impossible for us to experience the sole approval we really desire--out of ourselves.To really give something special (especially nourishment and well-being insurance and health advice) we must provide it without any conditions connected.  When you make a wonderful meal to share along with others, the oohs and also ahhs of your own guests have much longer to accomplish using these enjoying that the love that you inserted to the combination of ingredients--your own Disposition expressed in the groundwork of this meal.  Here really is the craft of everyday blessing during its very best.  You are able to “place” this sort of highly effective love into a meal whilst attempting to change others, you are able to just offer it as a result of sharing that is true.  Somebody truly sharing a Tofurkey feast to your table of assured meat-eaters had better possess her spirit fully in the appropriate area and all’s best-in mind.  The jeers and sneers can easily be converted into cheers, along with your bliss, pleasure, and awareness of comic relief direct the way for all’s adopt.  Individuals consistently feel genuine actual love and caring.  

To make in this ways, you first re all of The World's graces, subsequently add only the suitable number of true authenticity to spice up it up, last but not least send it with no strings attached.  Then, whether it be about a silver dish, or with our bare hands, these such gifts are still welcomed, for they've marching created all over them.In the beginning, we appreciate simply because it feels so very good, so calm and hence whole and natural to share with you adore.  When we do this, we detect that enjoy expands external only as it cannot be contained.  Dedicate to sharing along with the others and providing of yourself, truthfully and frankly being a lifestyle, maybe not because you will need approval, or whatever at all exchange, but simply as it seems so perfect!This devotion will be analyzed repeatedly, so get accustomed to it.  It’s how we find the skills of Mastery.  If we suffer from rejection, lack of admiration, criticism or truly feel unloved, we got two possibilities: 1 will be to revert into self-denial and be what think the others want us to function--and as a result feel that the pain of a relationship using our ever-loving Soul.  Another is, to value our gifts even more intensely--study by the adventure, and elect to give our presents next time together with more authenticity, discernment, and trust.Then you're sure to see that which you give, you receive.Now, think of the means by which you have been giving to others in your life.  Have you ever been giving whilst looking to get something special in return?  Has this stance left you experiencing shortchanged instead of fulfilled?

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