#the lack of catharsis at the end is probably what makes it so compelling honestly

[itsladykit]

So. Mouthwashing, huh?

[roxannepolice]

Do you honestly think Rey killing Ben in ix is a possibility? She already had an opportunity to do that on Supremacy and she didn't. I don't even see her wounding him in anger, by the end of tlj she wasn't pissed at him, just disappointed and heartbroken. Her going back to being angry would throw away all the development they had in tlj, and their relationship developed quite fast. Please don't see it as an attack, I just legit don't understand how you can still think that.

No, please go ahead, I’s a doubt and challenge addict. But, reylo duel isn’t something I still believe in, it’s the conclusion I’ve arrived at fairly lately after thinking about sequel trilogy almost every day for the past 8 months. Also, duel is always followed by resurrection/healing in my predictions.

Maybe I’ll ask you this: if in mid 2014, assuming you never had any knowledge of GL’s plans for the sequel trilogy, I told you Han Solo is going to be killed by his son, who’s the redemption arc of this trilogy and actually loved his father, would that sound believable?

Han’s death has the shocking emotional impact it has largely because we see that Ben doesn’t want to kill him. For all I know he was hoping his father would “shoot first” and kill him, as he assumes his family wants to after what happened with Luke. Really, what was he waiting for with that saber in both his and his father’s hands, having metaphorically put his life (his ls) in Han’s hands, as if asking him to take the choice away from him? Is the Skywalker drama gene really so strong that he had to wait for the SKB to load fully so everthing will be atmospherically dark? There are compelling metas explaining how Ben was as actively as it was possible with a creeper ever present in his head avoiding the confrontation with Han, one that he knew, or at least gloomily hoped, would be his ultimate test of loyalty to Snoke. Hell, he was actually looking for Rey at that moment only covering up with looking for the rest of the gang, hoping he’ll be able to unfortunately fail to find his father, which shows how weak his sense of him in the force has become, he doesn’t care for him at all. But once Han called out on him, once they actually stood face to face - he was pushed against the wall.

I would also bring in another Ben who didn’t actually want to kill his loved one so tried to avoid the wall - Obi-Wan trying to persuade Yoda he doesn’t know how to find Anakin. Yoda doesn’t buy the bs of course, and so Obi-Wan is also pushed against the wall, doesn’t have any excuse. Oh but he has an excuse later - Anakin’s goning to fry anyway, he doesn’t have to strike the killing blow.

And this is exactly what we lack in the throne room after Rey wakes up - she wasn’t pushed against the wall. She had somewhere to escape to from this decision. She had more important matters to attend to. She felt it wasn’t what the force wanted, that Kylo’s life wasn’t hers to take - which I’m inclined to believe was what she wanted to feel the force wants, as is usually the case with those pesky force omnitions. I’m not even talking about SKB, where the ground partitioned to stop their fight.

So the interesting question for epix is what will happen when Rey is pushed against the wall? When her not killing Ben would shake the belonging she found in resistance, similarly as Ben not killing Han would immediately expluse him from fo and he feels he has no belonging anywhere else - or plain made Snoke kill him? 

Now, I’m not saying she will be happy about this, probably less than he, though I have no doubt the choreographers will still make the unwilling duel a work of art. It’s very possible he’ll “help her” do what his soul saving uncle and arguably weak father failed to do, because if she actively spares him then I honestly believe he would pierce himself with his lightsaber and jump into the lava river to not have to deal with all the morally superior people and tain the world anymore. However, the more interesting option is the one in which Rey’s hand isn’t exactly forced. I refer you to SKB duel only ask you to watch it not drowning in Rey’s awesomeness only coolly analyse what is happening. And what is happening is this girl goes almost berserk. That’s not light side she’s channelling if you ask me. In the novelization she hears a voice saying kill him in her head and I really hope it’s not some next diabolus ex machina a la Snoke. Once the tides turn at the ravine, that’s not defensive honorary duel Rey is fighting, it’s not self-defence, nor is it light side steering its champion to punish the wicked. This is a rage of an abadnoned child who corcked her pain for  15 years and whose parent figure has just been killed, by his actual child at that, one she has a guilty lady boner for, too. And she was scared and defensive moments earlier. So I argue that should Rey go in her battle mode again in epix... yeah, she would kill him, possibly with him discreetly lowering the weapon when the strike comes.

Now, about it being a regress. TLJ balanced the situation wonderfully because while most of the audience loved the reylo relationship and possibly guilty hopes they’ll turn out fine, the apparent narrative is the one in which Rey’s actual progress is her eventually rejecting most of the “fake” progress she’s made while communicating with Kylo Ben - and that also includes the catharsis about her parents she had, she should just rebury the knowledge and continue as she did before, because now lies are good provided they keep you nice. On the other hand, it is eactly in abandoning delusions abut him that she overcomes the mistake she ade about her parents. I think that here a good summary of much of the audience’s attitude - right after tlj there have been people interpreting all the sexual chemistry between Rey and Ben as actually a very healthy message, because a girl shouldn’t marry the boy she had her first time with. So basically Ben was the unhealthy girlish crush that she needed in order to understand what a healthy relationship is. 

And of course none of this makes any sense in the larger narrative, which is why I say, go ahead, Disney-LF, give them the story they want and show them how mindnumbingly dumb it is, so that by the time the duel comes they’ll root for them to have sex instead.

[these-are-the-first-steps]

An objective, uninfluenced review and discussion of TLJ after just leaving the theatre- mileage may vary

THIS SPOILER-FILLED REVIEW IS UNDER A CUT. IF YOU SEE A TON OF TEXT AND NO CUT, SCROLL LIKE HELL. 

OK, so, some initial take-aways:

-This was a really busy movie

-I feel like they crammed three films into one and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-This did not have the standard feel of a star wars film and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

-Too much comedy. Sorry. It was a bit much and ruined the mood in a lot of places imo.

-Holy shit, that was the hottest, most sexualized hands-touching I have ever seen in my life

-My life literally flashed before my eyes when Finn went to kamikaze. They had him get so close to the end, and that tear— jesus fuck I genuinely thought that was going to be the end and I was a mess. God bless you, Rose.

-My life literally flashed before my eyes when Leia was ejected from the ship- they had me going thinking this was how she was gonna go. The force flying was hokey as shit, but you know what? Fuck it. Carrie Fisher can cheat death and fly- it's fucking canon now. Deal with it.

-The music did not blow me away on TLJ as it did in TFA. Most likely because the movie was so damn busy.

-Too many climaxes. Yes, there is such a thing. I was worn out by the end of this film and there was no real catharsis at all because of it.

-I don't know how the fuck they're going to do 9 without Carrie after that ending. Well…I do have one idea, but I kinda hate it.

The Meat:

The scroll this film was interesting, in that its last sentence broke the mold of previous star wars crawls- that was my clue right off the bat that this would not be following the standard 'feel', for lack of a better word, of star wars films. Honestly, I don't expect the off-shoot movies like 'Rogue One' to follow whatever standard 1-7 do, but like I expect it from the main series, and like I said at the beginning, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it yet. At the moment I'm a little disappointed that it deviated so much, but we got so many juicy tidbits and moments to have and to hold that that's kind of outweighing the minor point of format. So, I'll be seeing the film a few more times in various formats before coming to a hard conclusion on this.

Anyway…

HAHA POE GOT SLAPPED! THE SLAP HAPPENED! And it was pretty underwhelming honestly. And then out of nowhere Leia's all charm and kindness again? That really made the whole moment meaningless to me. Like she was never mad enough to slap him to begin with, so why? The moment was ruined by Leia's sharp U-turn and that sucked. They had a real opportunity to bring home just how severe and serious Leia's despair over so much loss has been, but the really watered it down every time, usually with comedy.

There was too much comedy in this film. I get maybe they were trying to lighten it up for the kiddos, but they did it in alllll the wrong places. It really botched the mood of the film repeatedly. The timing was just terrible. I mean right off the bat- sure, Poe's exchange with Hux was hilarious, but man it did not need to be in there. At least not first thing in the film when you're trying to set the tone. What a waste on all ends. That part really frustrated me.

I'm surprised at how soon Kylo bashed his helmet to pieces. That was really soon. Sadly the shock of it just wasn't there for me since I'd seen the trailers, but whatever. It was still a great moment done by Adam exceptionally well.

Mark Hamill was A+++ in this film. Everything about him was great. Absolutely stellar. While TLJ was mass confusion, Luke Skywalker stayed consistent and made linear sense throughout- the only exception being the very end. Why….why did he die again? I'm seriously confused? He looked pained, and I kept waiting for the camera to pan down to explain what was going on- did he actually have a giant saber hole in him from Ben or something? But no- he just flounders on a rock for a bit and then kicks it. I still just do not understand. I don't understand it at all. Also, Rian promised us some big compelling monologue from Luke that would be oscar-worthy and it wasn't there. Where was the monologue? Three sentences strung together do not a monologue make. Sorry, kids. I think Mark did a stellar job, as I said, and they've put him up for an oscar nom, but honestly….I don't think it was oscar-worthy simply because there wasn't enough there due to the over-taxed storyline, and if he does get one, it's gonna be earned out of sentiment more than anything, which….I mean, an oscar is an oscar, but still. You know? Also, we had stills and BTS footage of Luke down in that dark side hole with Rey and we never saw that. I hope Rian releases his director's cut so we get those scenes back- otherwise there's a good chance we'll get them in the novel or something.

Canto Bight was super unnecessary. What an unnecessary, overly-busy, budget-draining side romp. Maz was unnecessary. The whole 'let's get the codes' thing was unnecessary, although Benicio del Toro stole the fucking show with his character- that dude was great, and we'll definitely be seeing him again in 9. He's clearly going to be the side-character replacement for Phasma (RIP gurl). Canto Bight achieved only two things: 1. The FinnRose romance. 2. The stable kids, or at least one of them, has the force. Yep! That kid at the end- when he reaches for the broom, the broom jumps into his fucking hand, y'all. That kid has the force. The force is clearly back with a vengeance in the young babies of the galaxy. And that was it. I feel like they could have achieved both those things in better, more meaningful ways. But no, they wanted to do a casino(?) bit that will likely never be heard of again except in extended merchandising because fuck disney's money-grubbing ways. Oh, I DID like DJ's 'Rogue One' call-back reminder about how literally both sides of this war suck and everyone's trash, especially the warlords growing fat off the profits in the middle. I appreciated that bit. It was also a nice social commentary for a young audience that will hopefully stick with them. It was a cool moment that del Toro played beautifully.

Two words: PORG BABIES. Also, is Chewie vegetarian now? xD I don't think a whole colony of porgs should have come along in the falcon- that was a bit much. Again, comedy in places it didn't need to be. Whatever. Moving on.

Laura Dern's character dying was a waste, but you know what? That move she did was fucking brutal. It was amazing. It reminded me of 'Farscape' 's wormhole-popping maneuver immediately, plus extreme bonus damage. Just a beautiful sight.

Rose was great- Kelly Marie Tran knocked that shit out of the park. Laughs, tears, she ran the fucking gamut. I know we were all expecting more from her character's sister, but I guess it was the necessary setup to give her the impetus to go take risks. No complaints at all about Rose- I thought she was lovely.

Wow did Poe get a lot of screen time. He got a lot of screen time. I feel like Poe maybe learned some shit, but I honestly don't feel like Finn learned a whole lot which was disappointing. Even on Canto Bight he was like 'No, we're not doing this! Stop enjoying it!' Growth for him would be to start letting loose a bit, and he just doesn't. I also feel like we were deprived of a closing moment with him at the end of the film- we just get the tender moment with him and Rose, which was sweet, but it felt unfinished. I felt like Finn was more along for the ride in this film than actively moving it, and again I think that's the fault of this film being too damn busy and there not being enough time for things to go smoothly, linearly, and in ways that flowed naturally. There just wasn't time for it, clearly, and so character development suffered- unless you're Poe. Because damn Poe got a lot of screen time.

I felt like we should have spent more time on the salt planet. That felt like another over-done thing that, while the location was necessary, was it necessary to make it so busy? As I write this, I think I'm starting to realize that the backdrops are what have really distracted from the story. The backdrops haven't aided the story at all- they've just severely diverted attention from what's important- i.e. the struggles both literal and emotional happening to our characters. The casino was a riotous mess, visually stunning but constantly pulling my attention away from what was going on. The salt planet had tons of unique features but it didn't serve any purpose to the film. None of these backdrops serviced the story, and I think that's a HUGE problem. With an already busy, intricate web of storylines to keep up with, having all these non-contributing, busy-in-their-own-right backdrops just made it even harder to keep up and stay focused on what was going on. You don't leave the theatre feeling like all the threads came together in the end. You leave the theatre going "Well that was cool…but I feel like I've missed something", because you probably have. Here: YOUR BACKDROP SHOULD NOT BE COMPETING WITH YOUR STORY. Ok, I said it.

Snoke made some comments about Hux that were interesting and then promptly never talked about again. Why's that? Because there was no time. Pity. Anyway, the bit about him being easily manipulated because of his personal issues was great, and I was hoping we'd get to see more of that struggle with Hux, more of that fatal flaw at play- his daddy issues, insecurities about acceptance, etc., but it never came. Instead Hux was wasted on comedic moments. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Once again, unnecessary comedy fucking ruins the mood of this film.

Snoke's demise was shocking but also anti-climactic. They pulled all the power from him in one fell swoop and took this amazingly built-up character, this character that had SUCH cool potential, and Rian just threw it in the trash. I'm pretty disappointed. Actually, I'm really disappointed. No wonder Pablo was so disinterested in Snoke questions- Snoke was made ultimately irrelevant as a character. While the psychological effects of Snoke will continue to be a MAJOR issue, killing him was wasted potential, and now Ben’s lifelong struggle with this creature has been belittled and minimized because of it. That is terrible.

So now we get to the juicy bits- Rey and Ben.

We didn't get to see Rey hardly at all in this film. That….fucking sucked. Poe got more screen time than Rey. Fuck you, Poe. I'm pissed off about this. The only moving, worthwhile moments Rey had were opposite Ben. And boy did Daisy and Adam make the most of very limited screen time. Force Bond ahoy, y'all! We called it and it exists! However, it was really crazy abrupt. There was no lead-up of voices, of the connection establishing itself. One tiny teaser of it would have been enough, but no- suddenly it's just THERE, and the music and sound cuts, and if you weren't us and expecting this kind of force bond communication we've all been writing about prolifically for two years, I'm sure you were like "What the fuck- this is out of left field", because it was. Story-wise, it was. And that's disappointing. You want to see something you love executed well, and while you love and I love the connection, it wasn't executed well. It could have been done better. Again, any kind of hinted lead-up- since it was a surprise for both of them, maybe like a whisper of his voice calling to her in surprise? Or something. Instead we get them both right away, which was a bit blunt. I think it could have used with a bit of finessing. Oh well.

From a story analysis standpoint, I think Snoke's claim that he personally established the connection between them is bullshit. I think he was talking out of his ass, frankly. I think him claiming he forged the bond was back-peddling to try and continue to related all roads back to himself because while he certainly played the all-powerful omnipotence card, he clearly knew he wasn't and worked actively to maintain his illusion to keep Ben in check. But it was all a farce, as we could see, and even Ben knew where all the cracks in Snoke's observational skills were. He didn't really have 24/7 Ben TV. When Ben played him like a goddamn fiddle with that sneak attack, Ben showed that he could cloak and twist his intent in front of Snoke's face all day if he's focused enough, and felt he had enough purpose. He certainly did feel Ben becoming resolved alright. He felt him begin to prepare his saber. But how limited he was in what he could see! How limited, whereas Rey on the other hand….oh, he and Rey have something so much more than Snoke's clearly tenuous hold. Ben was only under the yoke as much as he wanted to be, and that realization is very much a doubled-edged sword. On the one hand, it meant he could find the strength to break free when he found a new purpose in Rey. But on the other, it also means he could have peaced out whenever he wanted and taken the FO with him but clearly he chose not to, which is awful and frustrating. But you know? When you wake up to your uncle looking like he's about to kill you in your goddamned sleep after you've spent years arguing against that sort of thing with the voices insisting your uncle will actually kill you, and suddenly the voices are right and your world is fucking shattered? When the voices become the only viable option in your life? I can get that. I may not agree with it, but I get it. And that's plenty.

Also, can we talk about the story of the school's destruction? So Kylo DID leave with some of the students. Let's make an educated guess and say they are the other Knights of Ren. Nice predicting, y'all. I'm sure they'll become major players in 9 as Kylo attempts to step into his role as supreme leader- while Snoke had the red guard, Kylo will have his knights. Cool. Very cool.

To back-track a little, I enjoyed the force chats between Rey and Ben a lot. I feel like more of them happened that we weren't shown. Even as Rey was recounting her brush with the dark side cave, you can tell she'd already been telling the story for a long while and he'd spent a long while listening. But again, with little finessing with all this, for those not expecting reylo the care they begin to have for each other seems really abrupt. Sorry, general audience- I wish it could have been better, too. But let's take what we can get, shall we? Kylo debases himself in front of Rey- admits he's a monster and then cries about it. I love it. Then he gives her the answer she wants in the form of advice, which was a fantastic bit of writing. After that, she inexplicably mellows out to him quite a bit and there's storytime in the stone house, the exceptionally warm lighting, as their hands achingly, hesitatingly touch- an insane amount of effortlessness in making yourself physical in a force-induced manifestation that, for Ben and Rey, resulted in the sexiest finger-touching I've ever seen, and for Luke became such a strain that it killed him. Powerful in the force are these two, indeed. I can't get over how warm that lighting was- literal love by firelight. And then….and then Rey cried it felt so good. And so did Ben. And when Rey recounts what she saw of his future in the elevator when their hands touched, she does this sweet look down at his chest before looking back with care into his face…I was feeling it so hard, man. That is a loving gesture. *I* have acted that way with someone I love. That's a tic that only belongs to lovers, not friends. What kind of 'solid' future did she see for him? With that kind of tic, it makes me wonder if she hadn't seen herself in it, too. Goddammit, ben! Get your shit together, boy!

Rey's lack of social skills, however, really fucking botched things between them, too. Surely there had to be a better way to reason with him than pulling out a goddamned saber. Bad move, sweetheart. And in one fell swoop you broke that man's heart. Everything after Rey's rejection was just bleeding-heart Kylo vomiting his emotions all over the place. I mean he was seriously torn up about it. And what about Rey running off? How come we didn't get that scene? Did she just straight-up split? Or did she stop for a moment to look at Kylo's unconscious, likely peaceful, face? I'm mad we didn't get to see it because it would have said a lot- instead once Rey rejoins the resistance, we get a TON more relationship-dodging. A TON of dodging. Because you know what? The relationship is there, man. Finn's got his gal, and Rey looks on acceptingly at this turn of events. Kylo and Rey have experienced a lot of emotional stuff together at this point- he's the only one that shares her secret about her parents. But you'd never know anything at all had happened to her at the end of the film. It's just business as usual. And that's really weird to me. That's not character growth. A bit of longing there, for what Rey almost, almost, let herself have with Kylo reflected in Finn and Rose's moment, but no- just plain old start-of-tfa Rey apparently. I mean….Rey didn't even ask him about his scar. He never brought up his scar. Was that a scene that got cut? Because how do you avoid that conversation? How do you avoid that? OH! The fight scene- and where she rolls her back onto his back to fight the red guard I WAS LIVING! It was so good, and they kept checking on each other during the fight. I loved it.

I've just been reminded of the shirtless scene- it didn't come off naturally, but I get that they're trying to establish that the bond is manifesting at 'inconvenient' moments, ok whatever. And then Rey goes and spoils the moment with more unnecessary comedy schtick which rolled off Adam beautifully- thank you, Adam. She totally checked him out, though. Maybe she was reliving that moment a little in the elevator when she looked down at his chest. Makes me wonder again just what exactly she saw in his future. I'm here for it.

Why did Rey fucking sail to the FO in a coffin? That made no sense. Although it was cute that Ben came to pick her up like "Hi." but then "Here are some shackles. Sorrynotsorry." I love how she was clearly expecting something else but NOPE.

Also, Rey really does come from nothing, although I don't fucking know how her parents can be in a potter's field in Jakku when Rey last saw them sail off into space. Sounds like hasty writing after being fed up with fans to me. Although Adam rattled it all off beautifully. And I love how Ben loves her regardless of it all. I loved the whole "You knew this the whole time so who cares because I don't? PS: come be my empress, it'll be great." Adam did so well in this film, but I can't help but think, like every fucking thing else, that his screen time was radically choked and that there's TONS more on the cutting room floor that give his acting more of the credit it's due and that flesh out so many more things to help them make more sense. Ugh.

In conclusion. I liked it. I cried when Leia's old holo projection played. I cried like a bitch. But I didn't leave the film feeling like my mind was blown like it'd been with TFA. I don't know if it's because I just felt overwhelmed in more of a bad way than good due to how busy everything was or if it's because I've been analyzing stuff for two years. It's probably a bit of both. Because I avoided the spoilers like the plague, you know? So everything was still new and a surprise, and while I think the film was a total trip that I'd recommend, TFA just felt cleaner, more impactful, and left enough space for all its characters to fully realize themselves instead of the cram-fest that this movie is. And most importantly, TLJ didn't leave enough space for John Williams to create any stand-out moments like in TFA- "The Starkiller" is a piece that gave me fucking goosebumps and that, to this day, will be one of my favorite moments in movie history. To choose a quiet dirge piece for a moment of bloody chaos was absolutely brilliant and shook me to the core, but there was no time for a moment like that in this film and that really bums me out. I was hoping for another moving experience like that.

Reylo's a thing now, but the kids have a lot of work to do on their relationship, because Kylo's in full spurned-lover mode and he's not handling it well. He's now a kid who's been handed all the power in the universe, and if Rey thinks that's not going to backfire, especially with their direct phone line to each other, she's got another thing coming. She's going to have her hands full trying to talk that boy down, and any next encounter between them is going to be incredibly tense and fraught with emotion. He finally outrightly pleaded with her to be with him. And that fucking means something. And Rey's not dimwitted enough not to see that. She knows the implications. She saw his good-ending future, remember- one that, as she recalled it, her eyes drifted to his chest in a very, very affectionate move that was well played by Daisy. In fact, I was so focused on Daisy's performance in that moment that I missed Kylo's reaction so when I see the film again, I'll have to remember to focus on him next time.

And Leia….Carrie was right that 9 was supposed to be Leia's film. I mean…that ending makes it indisputable. How do you work through that? Especially with Luke copping out? Essentially my prediction for what's going to happen is this: Lots, and lots, of Ghost Uncle Luke times. It's the only option they have. Luke's gonna come back, haunt the shit out of Ben and give him terrible girl advice, and then visit Rey and try to teach her some more. It's the only option they have, really. Mark thought he was finally done, but then Carrie just had to go and die- isn't that just typical. I also love how Billie plays such a bigger role in this film. Her performance was great, too, and there were moments where she really sounded like a young Leia that had me tearing up. I love them all so much.

So that's all I got for this initial objective general review of The Last Jedi. I plan to see this film at least once more in standard 2D (my preferred mode), and also in 4DX because why would you not want to be on Star Wars: The Ride for 2.5 hours? It's worth the ticket price. Plus seeing these films in 3D adds a whole new perspective to things, I discovered after seeing 3D TFA. So I'm open to that, too. I had a lot of technical complaints with this film, but otherwise I like the direction it went in, it was a direction I anticipated (minus snoke being wasted as a character- that still sucks), and I'd say as a shipper we got a good 75% of what we wanted. As a shipper, I'd say full steam ahead for the good boat Reylo and I look forward to a hopefully grittier, more distraught atmosphere to really bring shit home in 9. JJ Abrams gave us a very, very solid, coherent story for 7, and I look forward to having that back again for the grand finale. These characters deserve coherency. I love Rian, but he tried to cram too much in too small a space and lot really suffered for it- this was a problem Rogue One had that I hoped wouldn't repeat itself, but here we are. But even Rogue One navigated its complicated story better than TLJ did, I think. I don't know. Again, I need to see this film a few more times before I can really throw the gavel down. But now that this objective review is out, I'm happy to go back to putting my shipper glasses on and appreciating what we do have: Hot hand touches, shirtless Ben Solo, Rey saying 'Ben', Ben saying 'Rey', both of them crying over each other, both of them ogling each other, and the category of Emperor Ren fiction absolutely fucking exploding (and laughing maniacally that my own 'Exigence in force majeure' is now fucking canon-compliant can you believe this shit what is life).

Ok- enjoy the film, friends! TATFS out. PS: Oh yeah, haha, the jedi books were saved- ok. Also, I would love to get my hands on a director’s cut and all the deleted scenes so that I could try my hand at cutting my own version of this film- eliminate or better time 90% of the comedic bits and create a film that’s really darkly compelling and profound. Ok, I’m really gone this time bye.

[smrtboi2120-blog]

Absence/From The Heart

So I’ve been gone quite some time. But as usual, I don’t want to spend too much time on that and I just want to dive into reflection and feelings concerning my mother. But I should mention some things. I felt compelled to start this blog, and it’s almost like, once I started it and wrote so much in the beginning, it relived a lot of what I was struggling with inside about all this, so I didn’t feel as compelled to write anymore. That and I’ve gotten busier and busier getting my life back together.

My life right now feels crazy. My mom’s appearing sicker and sicker from chemo treatment. I just received some very concerning news about a family member very close to my heart. And I’ve just seen 3 of the greatest films of the year within a 2 week period. My life feels so intense. It sounds silly but it’s true. I wouldn’t call it a dream, because I feel that implies something I desire. And I wouldn’t call it a movie because that implies a base of fiction, and this is all very real. Surreal would probably be the right word to describe this.

But let me just dive into free flowing thoughts about my mom and see what becomes of this.

I think about my mom and how I remember her when I was smaller. She had a lot of energy. She still does now, but it’s hidden and fighting under an ugly sickness, I don’t know how to address it properly. Cancer sounds so scary.

She’s lost basically all of her hair now. I tell her to shave it so it doesn’t look so....I don’t know...outstanding in a rough sort of way basically. But I think she’d like to hang on to all the hair she can.

It’s so hard for me to talk about my mom like this. She always seemed so strong to me, and she still does, but it’s hard to think about how this sickness is bringing her down, or at least trying to.

It’s been so long and I’d rather save time by not re-reading everything so far so I’m not sure if I’m repeating myself. But she’s putting all of us to shame. She’s still busy running around the house, keeping things in order and clean. What are we going to do without her. Us two males, my stepfather and me might become quite lost. My mom doesn’t want me to think that way of course, but I cannot help it.

Have I talked about how my mom is my best friend in the whole world? She is my whole world. I know that probably doesn’t sound exceptional. I’m sure most people are close to their mothers and I’m just another person. But this is all I can do as my own person, my own personal “catharsis” for all this as my sister said.

Maybe I should talk about what my mom was long when I was much smaller, in her younger years. She was very outgoing with all her female friends early on from what I can remember in my early adolescence. Actually, there were multiple times where I would cry so hard at night missing her and hoping she was okay when she stayed out late. I just couldn’t slip. My brain insisted on crying until she came home. That’s just one of many examples of my extreme attachment. It may be a bad thing, but it is what it is. I’m not going to shy away from it now, in this moment.

It’s been hard seeing her get sicker and sicker, suffering side effects from the chemo. But as long as it works, I believe this wil be all worth it. She had stomach problems, and then we got her medicine for that. She complained of severe throat pain and started losing her voice so I googled remedies for that on reddit like I do for EVERYTHING and like I’ve been doing for EVERYTHING concerning her and even my own personal life and daily remedies I need. And I saw that honey/ginger/and lemon tea seemed to be a popular soothing solution. So I made her some and it seemed to make a difference.

I know it seems small compared to everything else, but I don’t know, I don’t know what else to do. I feel so helpless so many times thinking about it. I’m ashamed I might not be a good son. That I’m not stronger. That I’m not more independent. I can’t help it. I’m not trying to make excuses and I can explain it but that’s not what I want this to be about. I wish I could make this go away for her with all of my might. Like I wish I could hug and squeeze the sickness out of her. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel inadequate, but medication is help even/block that out. 

Then she got a bloody nose recently and that’s worried us. But again, I just want her to be strong because I know chemo is the most effective form of treatment we basically have, so all my faith is in it. I just want to keep her weight up and her emotions high.

Not so long ago we got into an argument that I really regret. And I’ve vowed to never get into another argument with her again, no mater what, to keep her stress levels as low as possible.

I even want her to stop going outside because I know she can protect her vital immune system that way. When I secluded myself for almost a whole year on two different occassions, I NEVER got sick during them. I firmly believe this is because I never left the house and we keep our house very clean. All the various viruses and bacteria are all out there, in the wild atmosphere. But I honestly don’t think I’m going to get her to stop. She wants to stay active and for things to appear as normal and possible, and I totally respect that. I just really really want to protect her health.

I could talk about us going to the movie theater together, but idk. That’s not really striking me right now.

I might of mentioned this before, but something that’s been consistent about the way my brain has been dealing with this, is, a lot of times I’ll forget about this reality and like block out the fact that she’s sick and go about myself as if everything is fine, not thinking about it. I’ll sort of lose myself, like I really tend to do. And then, out of nowhere, like in some moments of boredom or stillness, it’ll hit me. How crazy it is to see my mom like this with such a grave sickness. The fact that I could very well lose her. The fact that the rest of my life could be without her completely. And then it just kills me. Like a punch in the gut, I lose the control or feeling of air or oxygen in my system and I sort of feel lifeless or like nothingness, a sort of loss of identity or purpose on top of the lack of them that I already have. And it only adds to the helplessness.

I really didn’t ever think things would be this way, that my life would turn out like this. I suppose I took my relationship with her for granted, but I don’t know, I just figured we still had some decades together. That eventually I would figure myself out and I could really start to pay my mom back and we could really start doing things together worthy of dreams. But now I don’t know if that time is ever going to come. It’s probably just best to look back on the life we had together for what it is. I don’t even know what to call it or how to classify or quantify it.

I should have been such a better son. As my mom said, this whole experience has been so “eye-opening”.

I miss my mom ALL THE TIME at work. ALL THE TIME. I just wish I could lay with her forever as she experiences this thing and rides it all out, however it ends. That’s why it’s so important for me to take her to chemo myself. I have to do this. I need to do a better job at creating moments with her while I still have her and I really am getting better rapidly and rapidly. It’s a funny thing what you do in desperate times when survival instincts really kick in. We should make simulators for that to help out people before things get seriously bad.

I’m fortunate enough to have sorted enough of my own problems out for this, to be able to be there for her in whatever capacity I am able to.

I want to get better and better at cleaning the house and upkeeping it, I’m going to have to, and I should have just in general. I’ve been cleaning the floors on my hands and knees and I’ve actually been enjoying it.

I really want my mom to write an epic list of everything important about life, all her advice, her guidelines, her tips, her ways. I want her to write a book. A guide to life for me. So she could still be with me when she’s gone. Maybe we’ll start to work on that, but I’m so busy.

I don’t know what else to say. I’m trying to get better, I really am, and I truly believe I’m making quite the head way. I miss her every moment I’m gone. When I drove to the theater in Chicago alone for the first time in a long time, I immediately felt her abscence in the car as I started to make the drive there. It was so quick and powerful, so noticeable and loud. It hurt so much. I seriously debated turning the car around and just staying home and hugging her. But I know she wouldn’t want me to do that. She would want me to live my own life and follow my own desires, as hard as that may be for me.

I’m getting tired unfortunately, but frankly I’m quite proud I finally got around to writing this. I told myself today at work that this was the first thing I was going to do after spending time with her when I got home from work until she fell asleep, if it’s the last thing I do. And I did it.

I just think about the punishment I’m seeing her body and mind and spirit take and I just have to block it out and fight the thoughts because if I really think about it, I might lose it. The reality of living a life without her in it at all is so mindblowing, it just leaves me with no air, that’s the best way to describe it. It feels like this huge black hole or void engulfs my whole chest/rib cage inside of me. I want to be a better son, a better person, and I am working on it. So far, so good.

Hopefully I don’t take a long break from writing here again. I’d like to get more specific or focused next time, but I just really wanted a legit refresher at least and I think I got it. I still have to go into more depth about what she was like when I was much smaller, a child. You guys, please ask specific questions to help spark ideas from me, to bring it out from me, and to keep me writing. 

I don’t know. It feels like such a crazy ridiculous time. And I’m always worried that my anxiety will come back and I’ll shut off and seclude once more, but luckily it hasn’t really these past couple months especially. You have NO IDEA how truly grateful I am for that. And you have no idea how grateful I am for everyone’s support. I want to send a special shout out to my close internet friends Rosa, Chelsea, and Lily who were there for me from the first day I found out about my mother’s sickness and have always made themselves available for me throughout this whole time and have never really faltered. And a big thanks to each and every one of my family members for everything they’ve done, the gifts they bring, and the love they give. It’s invaluable. And to my co-workers who know my mom, thank you for your kind words and concerns.

Alright, I’ll leave for now and just be happy that I did this.