#the hysteria is fading but the grief is replacing it

[hoeakawasupreme]

That sausage ain’t sounding so jumbo anymore 😒😔

[starlsssankt]

@an-endless-saga​ sent an ask // 

Jurian hissed missing catching Anastasiya's sleeve by an inch.

"Annie, Annie give him a second to -"

Jurian sighed, she wouldn't listen to him. He'd been surprised she'd listened to anything anyone said at all. He thought back to Genya at the manor. At least Anastasiya had let Vassa help there. The girl seemed to not be too psychologically damaged from being born after her father's death and then thrown into a near war with Hybern. To be fair Anastasiya hadn't been stupid enough to get involved but she had been brazen enough to bring herself and Genya to Hybern to see him.

At least she'd let him take care of her and make her eat. How was still alive on the little sleep and food she had was beyond him. Though he supposed between the two of them they lived on spite more than anything else.

Anastasiya would have burned herself had Jurian not doused the flames a moment after the ritual was done. She climbed the pyre kneeling next to Aleksander's head. Her fingers fluttered over his face, his hair.

Jurian sighed and stepped around the bodies of saints, monks, and Princes. He'd warned her now matter how well preserved it was it may not work. Or worse he may not fully come back.

"Annie, Annie at least give him a minute to -"

"No. No - no he has to come back. He - he has to. He can't - I won't let him leave me. He will come back to me if I have to drag him from the Otherworld to do it."

Jurian pretended he didn't hear the hysteria in her voice, nor the way she was beginning to think he chose to stay away from her. That was probably the most unbelievable thing about this whole situation. The day Aleksander chose his own happiness over his sister's was the day Jurian stopped trying.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐍 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐙𝐎𝐍, and Aleksander stood alone in the dawn light. There was nothing else around, but a sense of... serenity, of a calmness that had been lacking in those final moments. 

Or were they final moments? He couldn’t really remember all that had occurred in the past several... seconds? Minutes or hours? Was it days or weeks or months? There existed a fuzziness in his mind whenever he tried to pinpoint a certain event. 

And there was a siren call to follow the horizon, to walk eastward towards the sunrise. Like he’d find that sense of peace, of tranquility and serenity if he went that way. Looking over his shoulder, there were shadows. The night still clinging on for as long as it possibly could-- 

But there was a calmness there, too. Because in the dark, he’d found a sense of purpose. A sense of... rightness. Like he belonged there, because-- Well, he wasn’t sure why, but he did. 

Aleksander felt like something was calling him back to those shadows, to that rocky darkness behind him--just as much as something called him to the light, to the sunrise up ahead. He stood there, waiting. Waiting for an answer or a sign as to the right way to go... 

There was a feeling, he couldn’t quite describe it, or even recognize it, but he felt like... maybe... those shadows held the answer. As much as the siren song existed in the sunrise, it wasn’t time for that song to be sung. 

The shadows called to him again, their own siren song. Filled with melancholy, heartbreak, grief. Filled with loss and pain and suffering. And yet... there was a hint of something else, floating on the music that caused Aleksander to turn, to take a step towards the darkness, his back now to the sunrise...

It was then, as if from far away, that those images faded, to be replaced the weight of someone’s hands. By the touch and feel of someone so intimately familiar to him, that he knew her like he knew no one else. Ever. Aleksander slowly opened his eyes, blinking them as if suddenly blinded by the light--dim though it was. 

His chest rose as he took a breath, his fingers twitched as he tried to reach for her. The angel clinging to him-- 

❝ A-Ana-- ❞

[marsupials-of-mars]

Regicide

(A little bit of inspiration drawn from @sweetest-honeybee s Kingceit doodles)

What do you MEAN you won't?!" Deceit stood cold, frozen, immobile. He seemed to refuse to believe what they had just requested. "You can't just STOP! What about me?! About us?! What about what we had?!"

Roman attempted to avoid eye contact, but found it difficult once Remus had shoved him forward and ducked behind him.

"We just... we've been doing this so long now, and we all know it's not what anyone wants."

"Who knows that?! Who said I know that?! It IS what I want! It's what he wants!" Deceit bared his fangs as he shouted, a hiss from deep within his throat mixing with his words.

"But..." Remus peered over Roman's shoulder. "It's NOT what he want's. It's not because of you, he just doesn't want to BE anymore. He almost isn't him, and it's about to feel like an act to keep going."

"Then let him act!" Deceit gritted his teeth at his own words. They tasted sour in his mouth, but the thought of losing him for good was even worse. "I love him!"

Roman shook his head and reached out for Deceit's arm, but he quickly jerked it away. Roman sighed. "You won't love him. You loved him. But he's not gonna be the same anymore. I know it, Remus knows it, he knows it. And I know you know it. Trust us, it's less painful for everyone this way."

"Nothing could be more painful than this!" Tears sprang to Deceit's eyes. "You're KILLING him! You're MURDERING my King! And you expect me to just accept that?" The anger in his voice quickly drained until nothing was left but grief. "Please... I need him. I'm begging you, you know I don't beg..."

"I am partial to begging..." Remus met Roman's eyes and wiggled his brows.

"Cut it out! Not the time!" Roman sharply shoved his brother. Remus coughed and looked at his feet.

"Yeah sorry I uh... it's how I lighten the mood..." his voice was uncharacteristically soft and apologetic. He looked back up at Deceit. "We do care... but it hurts to be King. Like the bad kind of hurt, painful hurt. It's like trying to hold your head together as it's splitting down the middle." Remus demonstrated, a crack running down his skull and his head falling open to expose red goo and grey matter. Deceit jerked back. "But way less fun."

Roman chimed in: "Every time you see him, he's in pain. He hides it because he loves you but... it's getting unbearable. Remus and I, we're not parts of a whole in the slightest, and King can tell. We used to be the good and the bad, we could click together like puzzle pieces. But we're... rounded. And the pieces don't fit anymore."

Deceit clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. "I... undersss.. ssstand. But.. pleasss..sse... at leassss-ss-st let me ssse-sssee him one lasss-st-st time? To sssay goodbye?" His voice broke. His hiss had worsened in his hysteria, each S a struggle, slowing his sentences to a sluggish pace, but the brothers were patient. It was the absolute least they could do.

"Um..." Roman wrung his hands nervously. "I-uh... we don't... I mean..."

"Of course we will! Ain't that right Lame-miserables?" Remus elbowed Roman sharply in the ribs without breaking eye contact with Deceit. "The least we can do!"

Roman looked up at Remus. He finally noticed something he hadn't before. Unmistakable love. His smile was anxious but soft, his gaze warm and sympathetic. It wasn't quite clear what kind of love it was, but Remus cared immensely, more than Roman had seen him care for anything in a long time. It clearly changed Roman's heart, because before he could stop himself he was agreeing.

"Yeah, of course we will, we want this to be as painless as possible for everyone."

"How long do I have?" Deceit grabbed Roman's shoulders. Roman had never seen him this emotional, without his usual calm collected exterior.

"Um..." Roman looked at Remus, who shrugged. "Ten..." Remus frantically gestured to raise the number. Roman grimaced but complied. "Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes to say what you need to say."

Roman had never known exactly what Deceit and King talked about. All he retained was a feeling, a distinct lack of the fear regarding Deceit that the other lights seemed to have. When Deceit acted tough or collected, Roman couldn't quite take what he was saying at face value, could feel his more personal motivation, the feelings Deceit had about his contributions.

He was overall more quick to open himself to Deceit's side, and from that he'd realized that Deceit must talk often with King about his deeper feelings and ideas. He would only open up like that to someone he felt extremely close to. He was very secretive in general, and the act of revealing even the smallest bit of personal information seemed incredibly intimate to him. Roman wasn't quite sure what Remus experienced from King, but he always assumed it might be similar.

"And then...?" Deceit gripped Roman's sash and twisted it around white knuckles. His eyes were pleading, hopeful.

"And then we're done." Roman gently lowered Deceit's hands. "I'm sorry."

"Monthly! How about monthy?! Every other month? Yearly?" Deceit looked to Remus.

"We... will think about it." Remus's smile was strained. He couldn't operate on the spot, pinned by Deceit's desperate stare. Roman had to be the bad cop, no matter how backwards it seemed.

"NO. We won't think about it. Do you REALLY want a relationship monthly, or every other month, or yearly, where you get twenty minutes with an in pain and slowly fading shell of who you really want to be with? You need to let him go, rip off that bandaid rather than slowly peeling it off over... who knows how long you want to keep this up?"

"But Remus just said-!"

"Remus is an idiot! You're hysterical if you're hung up on what he said!" Roman took Deceit's shoulder. "Look, don't think about this now. Just enjoy your last bit with him."

Deceit slowly loosened his grip and the desperation faded, replaced now by a sort of empty acceptance. "I... okay. Let me sssee him."

Roman nodded and looked to Remus. "Ready?"

Remus fell into Roman without a second thought, eager to give Deceit closure. His tentacles wrapped Roman's waist and shoulders and Roman resisted his instinct to recoil. He leaned in and touched their foreheads together. His brother's breath smelled awful and he could feel himself getting more disgusting by the second. His final thought, before he lost himself, was how relieved he was that would never have to bare a fusion again.

King woke with a splitting headache. He rubbed his temples as he slowly opened his eyes, the light sending more piercing pain through his skull.

"King!" He looked down in time to see Deceit barrel into him with open arms, knocking him to the ground.

"Woah! You're hardly a hugger..." He rubbed Deceit's back.

"I am when you're DYING jackass!"

King winced at the volume. "Aw, cmon, I'm not dying. I'm just... not gonna be around anymore."

"That's no different!"

Deceit pushed his face into King's sash and flicked out his tongue, drawing in his scent while he still could. King was the only one who knew most of Deceit's "embarrassing" habits and reflexes, though he tried to convince Deceit that they were adorable. In turn, Deceit was the only one who knew some of King's secrets, such as;

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you Tiberinus..." Deceit spoke softly and gripped King's sash.

"You're going to be the best goddamn side in the mindscape, you're going to get your points across, you're going to open yourself up, you're going to SMILE and you're going to do anything else you damn well please because you're DECEIT and your your own wonderful amazing sexy person."

Deceit scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure..."

King stuck him with a stern look. "You're going to SMILE. Because you have the most radiant smile and the sickest fangs i've ever seen, and it's not fair that I'm the only one who gets to see that with any regularity. It's absolutely sinister."

"I'm sinister." Deceit hissed.

"No, honestly right now you seem pretty sniffly and cuddly. And in any case sinister people still gotta smile from time to time. Look at the joker."

"Oh, the joker! What a fun and convincing comparison!" Deceit rolled his eyes.

"You get what I mean though, I don't want to be the only one you can talk to because then you'll stop talking altogether. You have so many amazing things to say, and as much as I love being your outlet, if you keep plugging everything into a single outlet your house is bound to burn down. And if you only trust that one outlet and it burns out, you'll be some idiot sitting in the dark surrounded by perfectly functional outlets upset that you can't read your book. Comprendo? "

Deceit let out a lengthy sigh. "What if my lamp can only reach one outlet?"

"Then you move the lamp. You may get some weird shadows and you might have to sit at the other end of the couch. But you'll still be able to read."

Deceit slapped King's knee in frustration. "See?! You can come up with these perfect metaphors and figure out feelings so easily. I'm not good at that."

"Patton is good at that. And Logan, and sometimes even Roman and Remus. I don't get it from nowhere. You're gonna be okay."

"Who's going to act with me?"

"Roman."

"Who's going to help me when I'm sick?"

"Patton."

"Who's going to make me laugh?"

"Remus, Roman, Logan... they're funny if you ever tried talking to them. You need to think outside your tiny me-centered box. You just have to try a little. Honestly... this might be for the best."

Deceit bolted upright. "How can you say that?! How could this possibly be for the best?! You're DYING!"

"Okay, yknow what? I'm breaking up with you."

Deceit paused. "What?"

"I'm breaking up with you. Looks like you have to move on now. And you're not going to see me anymore. Because we're broken up."

Deceit blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Look, what's harder? Your beloved dying, or never again having to see that awful ex you hate? So I hate you, and we're through."

Deceit stared a moment before breaking into laughter. King relished the last time he'd hear that laugh.

"Fuck you!" Deceit shoved his shoulder.

"That's the spirit! I hate your guts!"

"Go to hell!"

"See you there!"

"I hope I do so I can kill you again!"

"You gotta kill me first you coward!"

Deceit fell into King's arms in fits of laughter.

"God I'm gonna miss you Tiber...I dunno if-"

"Nah. Not allowed. Chin up, Scales. You got this."

King suddenly felt a dampness on his chest. Deceit shook with sobs, gripping King's waist until it was almost painful. He placed a hand on Deceit's trembling back and trailed his fingers down his spine, softly, slowly, as he got it all out.

"Shhh... yeah, I know..." He wiped Deceit's wet cheek with his thumb.

"I don't want you to go... I know you think I can handle it, and I probably can I just... I still don't want you to leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere. I keep saying, it's not like I'm dying. I'll still be with you, and not even in a cheesy spiritual way, all that makes me up is still inside Roman and Remus. I know it doesn't seem like me, and I know it's way different from talking to me, but I'll always be there. I'll know what you're up to and I'll be watching. In the creepiest way possible. So you'd better not mope around once I'm out of here because I see all."

"Comforting..." Though it was sarcastic, King could tell that he'd managed to calm Deceit a good amount. His head ached from being together so long. He looked up at the clock on the wall.

"Twenty minutes. Looks like it's time to- Ow! Shut up! We agreed- You're disgusting!" He gripped his head. Deceit looked up at him anxiously.

"Tiber? What's going on?"

"Ah, just... bickering." King forced a smile. "Twenty minutes is up and they really want to split."

"Oh." Deceit took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. "About that... does it really hurt you? Have you been hurting? And keeping that from me? I would have wanted you to tell me... this might have been less unexpected."

"Oh so you're the only one who gets to keep secrets?" Deceit pulled back at the jab and King felt immediately guilty.

"Sorry, I'm just... headache. I wanted to hold it together. I wasn't planning this, I thought I could handle it. Because I love you, and I didnt want to do this to you. But I finally realized that it would be unfair to both of us if I ended up something that... wasn't me. I know it was selfish...I had some warning, I helped make the choice, so I got a head start on the mourning. But you only get... twenty minutes..." King hissed at the sharp pain in his skull. Deceit studied his face.

"Honestly... truly and honestly... I wouldn't have wanted you to tell me sooner. That would have just prolonged the inevitable. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy what I did have with you without worrying that everything we were dojng would be for the last time. And there's no use being mad anyway, I've lost any time I would have had to teach you any lessons."

"Eh, I don't learn anyways. uGH SHUT UP!" King covered his mouth and squeezed his eyes tightly shut to ward off his headache. "Sorry... I need to go."

"I know." Deceit helped King to his feet and wrapped his arms around his waist. He stared a moment. "Know that every second I spent with you makes up for this moment."

"You sappy snake..." King leaned his forehead against the top of Deceit's head. "One more for the road?"

"Like I'd let you go without it."

King tipped Deceit's chin up with a knuckle. He savored his last look into his lover's eyes, one a radiant yellow and the other a warm honey brown. He tried to burn the image into his mind, wherever it would end up. Only once he was convinced that he had it did he lean down to meet Deceit's lips with his own.

For that moment, he forgot about the pain, and he could ignore the taste of salt on both their lips. It was bliss, the kind he would never have again, the kind that was so perfect that he didn't need to.

He felt his body begin to warm, then a buzzing, a tingling throughout his skin. His headache built to a dull pulse. He pulled Deceit tighter, for what he could tell was his final second.

And then he was gone.

Roman woke with tears on his face and a rapidly beating heart. He looked up, first at Remus, who was no better off then he was, then to Deceit.

He was trembling, fingers poised over his lips as though he were afraid to touch them directly. His eyes were vacant and upturned, as if he hadn't quite noticed that whatever he'd been looking at had since left his line of sight.

Roman debated, for a moment, whether to speak or to leave him to his own thoughts. After weighing his options, he decided on the latter. He looked to Remus, who had already lunged forward to wrap Deceit in a hug, and had been returned with a shaky hand slowly closed onto his back.

Roman gulped and made his way over. He let his knuckles brush Deceit's as a gentle invitation. Deceit quickly accepted, intertwining their fingers and squeezing tightly.

"Can you feel him?" Deceit's voice was nearly inaudible. "Is he there?"

Roman stared at Deceit's soft profile. A warmth grew in his chest, a feeling that could have been his, but not quite. And it was clear.

"Yes. And he loves you a whole lot."

A ghost of a smile pulled at Deceit's lips.

"I know."

[kileyrose-2003]

Snakebite Andi x Fem! Reader Part 2

A/N: Hi guys! This is the continuation of what @wendyfuckintorrance requested because I went absolutely nuts writing this one. Hope you all enjoy part 2. Link to one is below. Same warnings apply.

August, 2011:

In those same moments Andi was being turned on that dark, Staten Island beach you laid in bed at the nearest open hospital in Colorado. The pains of labor radiating through your body. Machines beeped and buzzed around you wildly and it fueled your hysteria more.

"I can't-I can't do this!" You sobbed as the midwife examined you. "8 centimeters, sweetie. Only two more to go." She took her gloves off and gave your leg a reassuring pat. "No! Not two more. I can't..I want it out. I want it out. I want it out."

The lady smiled at you sympathetically and left the room. Once she left, your dad entered and sat down next to you. "Daddy, I can't. I can't!"

"Shh..I know baby, I know." He squeezed your hand and wiped your forehead off with a wet paper towel with his open one. "Where's mom? I want mom," You cried. You wanted Andi too but you knew all too well that was a wish that wouldn't be granted for a long time.

"She just got off the Boulder exit a little while ago. She'll be here in a couple of minutes." You nodded feverishly and squeezed his hand as you felt your next contraction coming on. "You're doing so good, honey. I'm so proud of you."

"You shouldn't be." You winced in pain and let out a scream. "I made a mistake. I fucked up." He shushed you. "None of this is your fault, alright? You can't help it anymore than the rest of us."

You grunted and nodded. There was a knock on the door. "You can come in." Your dad called out and your mom stepped in. "Sorry, I got stuck in traffic."

"No, no. That's fine." Your parents awkwardly hugged each other. "How are you, Y/m/n?" He asked. "Fine. You look great." Your dad nodded appreciatively and your mom made her way to your side. "Hey..how's baby?"

"Making me feel a lot of pain," You rasped. "I know..I know..Are you getting the epidural?" You shook your head. "No, it shouldn't be much longer hopefully."

"Okay sweetie." She placed a kiss against your sweaty forehead. "You have another contraction coming up." You let out a whine and she took your hand in her's. "I-it hurts!" You gasped. "I know..I know."

As the pain started to decrease you slowly let go of her head. "I-i feel something." You squirmed in the bed. "Like what?" Your mom asked softly. "I don't know..warm and-"

Your water broke and you gasped. "Oh god. Should I-"

"Yes, Y/F/N. Go get the nurse now!" Your mom urged and squeezed your hand. "Does that mean it's time?" She shrugged. "I don't know. Some women go into labor and their water never breaks. It all depends, honestly."

The midwife came back and slipped a pair of gloves on. "I'm going to examine you, Y/n. Is that okay?" You nodded and your mom held your hand as the woman stuck her fingers up by your cervix. "Nine centimeters but the head is right by the birthing canal. Get ready to have a baby, my dear."

Tears started running down your face and your mom cracked a small smile. "Aww honey, it's going to be okay."

"I'm scared!" The nurses stuck your feet on the bottom of squat bars as your dad slipped back into the room. "Alright Y/n, on the count of three we want you to push. Got it?" You nodded and bore down with all your might on the count of three.

"Good, again." You let out a scream of pain and shook your head. "I can't, I can't, I can't. Please, make it stop!" You begged into the air. "Yes, you can. You're almost their. Lean your hand down, sweetie." Your finger tips were greeted with the feel of sticky and warm hair and you let out a cry. "Oh god!"

"One more push! That's it! That's it!" The pain faded and in the midst of the chaos you heard the wail of a baby. "Y/n..she's beautiful," Your mom cried. "She.." You whispered softly.

The midwife handed the baby over to you and laid her on your. She was still dirty and sticky but you didn't care. Her little hands flailed out in the air and you smiled. She looked exactly like you.

"Hi.." You smiled and kissed the top of her head. "You're so beautiful." Tears brimmed in your eyes as your daughter cracked her little eyes open to look at you. "I'm your mommy, gorgeous."

Your daughter made a cooing noise and you grinned. "What are you naming her?" Your dad ran his thumb against your cheek. "Y/d/n..Y/d/n Andrea."

Being a teen mom was rough but you had your dad to help you and every day when you looked into Y/d/n's little eyes all the pain you went through was worth. Even when she had her fevers, tantrums, cried often in the midst of the night it was worth it.

For the first time in a while since you hadn't seen Andi, you finally had someone provided you with a sense of happiness and took the pain away. You tried sending her pictures of the baby numerous times but to no avail. It hurt but at least you had someone to love.

There was nothing that brought you more joy than hearing your daughter's little feet softly tapping down the stairs in the morning. She'd giggle as she'd run through the living room, jumping up behind you while you stood at the stove top making breakfast. "I got you mommy!" She would exclaim excitedly and wrap her tiny arms around your middle. You would smile widely and scoop her up in your arms. Sometimes twirling her around in a little circle.

"Yes you do, my sunshine." And she would always giggle and kiss your cheek. "Mommy, I'm not the sun! That's the sun."

"I know but who needs that sun when I have you?" Giggles would turn into a tiny aww followed by an 'I love you mommy' behind it.

She was the most affectionate and beautiful little girl. Everyone around her, including your parents, enjoyed her. That happiness unfortunately only lasted for six short years though. You could still remember the last day you seen her so clearly in her mind. The way her little blue dress puffed up when she moved and her little Y/c/h bounced in the wind.

It was a sleepover for a girl's sixth birthday just a little after her own and you dropped her off at the house.

"I love you mommy." She smiled as you gave her a big hug. Being only 21 you were the youngest mom in the group so the other parents could relate on your hesitance to let her go. "I love you too. Be a good girl, okay?"

"I will! I'll see you tomorrow." Except there would be no tomorrow you would ever see with her. You would never forget the girl's mother on the phone, calling you frantically.

"She's gone!" The woman screamed into your ear at the way early hours in the morning. "What do you mean she's gone?"

"She's gone! I don't know where she went. One of the girls were sleeping next to her on a sleeping bag because she missed you and the kid woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't there.."

You lost track of how many interviews and calls you shared with detectives over the past couple of months and you became an empty shell of a person. Yet again your parents were left to pick up the pieces in the aftermaths of a tragedy you were dealt and you grief grew.

"Why don't you adopt?" Your father asked the one night as he sat with you in your dining room as the two of you shared a meal together. "I can't bring myself to..no one can ever replace her."

It was a quiet Saturday night and you were at your dad's house, making sure he was all comfy before you went home. Your parents weren't exactly the youngest anymore and you brought it upon yourself to take care of them the way they took care of you.

"You have everything you need? Blanket, water-"

"Yes for the thousandth time, Y/n. I have everything." Your dad settled into his recliner. "Okay, I just wanted to make sure."

"You cook me meals, sit with me during the day if I don't work, trust me I'm okay. Look, I know you feel like you have some sort of debt you owe your mother and I-"

"Dad-"

"You don't. Period. You've been through alot and I in particular was absent for a portion of it. You owe me nothing. I owed a debt and now I'm paying it so just don't be so hard on yourself." You nodded solemnly. "Got it, dad."

He held his arms to you. "Now give me a hug before you go." You did as he asked and he rubbed little circular shapes on your back. "Love you kiddo."

"Love you too." You felt your phone vibrating in your back pocket but you ignored it. "Try and get a solid nights sleep if not you, for me?"

"Dad-"

"I'm sorry..I'm just worried about you. You haven't been same since Y/d/n di-"

"Please don't say that word." You begged. "Y/n, I know it hurts but honey. She's been gone for months. If they haven't found her yet, chances are that no one will. Living in this sorrow, this despair, fear, it's going to kill you."

"I know! I just..I'm not ready to give up yet. I can't. She's all I had since I left Arizona and it's the only thing that fills the pain a little bit." Tears brimmed in your eyes and your dad wiped them away. "I know, I'm just saying. Be careful please and just take care of yourself, if not for you then for me because that will make me happy. Kay?"

"Okay." He released from his embrace and kissed your cheeks. "I love you." You wiped the tears from your eyes and picked up your purse. "Love you too. Bye dad." He gave a tiny wave as you stepped out the door.

You walked out to your car and checked your phone. There was a missed call from a Colorado number on your phone but you didn't bother to call back. If they couldn't bother to leave a voicemail, it couldn't of been that important.

You put the keys in the ignition and began your short drive home, thinking on what your dad said. It had been almost seven years since you seen Andi. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time you just gave up.

You pulled into your driveway and shut the car off, making sure to lock it before preparing to enter your house.

You opened the door and stepped inside. "Odd, I thought I shut all the lights off," You shrugged and took your shoes and jacket off. You put your foot on the first step on your stairway to the second floor.

"Y/n." You froze and grabbed your gun you had hidden by your front door. "Whoever's there, I'm warning you! I have a gun!"

"Y/n, come closer sweetie." You hesitantly did as the person and found yourself in your living room. "I did what you asked, damn it! Show yourself!"

You felt a gentle tap on your shoulder and you let out a yell, dropping the gun on the floor as you spun the other direction. "Andi?!"

You faced the intruder with mixed emotions. "Long time, no see." She pulled you close to her and held you tight. You grabbed onto the back of her clothes and gripped them as if to see if she was really there and cried.

"Y-you found me," You rasped and wrapped your arms around Andi's neck. "I told you I would." She pressed her lips against yours. Her teeth sank into them feverishly, asking for permission to enter your mouth. You opened up and your tongues battled for dominance, Andi clearly overpowering you. You both pulled away from each other, gasping for breath.

You looked deep into her pretty blue eyes. She hadn't changed at all in the last six years, which wasn't a bad thing because even in her worst moments you thought she was one of the most beautiful women you've ever seen, but she felt different. Something about her changed. "What's the matter?" Andi smiled and held your hand in hers. "You haven't aged..at all." She pulled you close to her and held you tight. "I know. Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yeah. You look beautiful." Her clothes smiled like embers from a fireplace and you nuzzled into the warmth. "So do you." She kissed you over and over again, taking in the pictures on the wall over you house.

'Damn it. I didn't even think she might of just walked through the door with the kid.' She thought but yet again, she couldn't remember hearing you speak to anyone on your way in. "Y/n, I know it's late but where's mini me?" Your smile faded and you said nothing, loosening your grip on Andi. Andi pulled away from you and figured out the answer based on the answer based on your lack of response and that empty look on your face. "Oh god.."

"It's my fault," You hummed with tears brimming in your eyes. "I should of never of let her go to that slumber party." You hitched a sob and started hysterically crying.

"Hey, hey.." Andi tried to calm you down. "I'll never forget how horrible it felt! She was my everything and was the only thing that took the pain away of not being able to see you." You fanned your eyes in an attempt to stop the tears but failed.

"Y/d/n had a bunch of friends and she begged me and begged to go to this slumber party but I just had that bad feeling. That one I get when I know something is going to happen," You sniffled. "I met the girl's mom throwing the party. She seemed nice enough. Andi, I wish you could of seen the look she gave me when she asked to go. It was so cute and I couldn't say no so I let her go and I should of never let her go. She kissed my cheek and told me thank you a million times over and I'd see her tomorrow and she loved me. It was six in the morning when her friend's mom called and she was just..gone!"

"Okay..okay." Andi rocked you back in forth in her arms trying to contain the panic inside her that was bubbling up. The True, Andi included, looked at killing rubes almost as if it was killing deer, but the thought of her hurting you like that killed her in the inside. She held you as you cried into her chest. "Is she..you know.."

"No one knows but deep down inside I think I know she's not-" You couldn't even finish your sentence. You just kept crying. "She's gone and it's all my fault."

"Y/n, you couldn't of known." You shook your head. "I'm a horrible mother!" Andi kissed the tears away from your face. "Don't say that. You loved her and I'm sure she knew that." That feeling of panic bubbled up more inside her. No..she couldn't of hurt your daughter. She wouldn't hurt you daughter. She would felt her connection to you and would of never of went along with it but at the same point, maybe just maybe, she would of out hunger.

"You got a picture of her?" You nodded and hicupped slightl. "W-why? What does it matter if I told you she's gone?"

"Just..do you have a picture of her?" You nodded and grabbed one of you and her on Christmas off the coffee table. Andi looked at the picture intensely and breathed a sigh of relief. She never seen your daughter before. "Thank god.."

"Thank god, what?" You asked. "Nothing, it's just..Fuck it. I was going to have to tell you anyways but this just threw my whole plan off." Your body stiffened and you sniffled, trying to bottle in all your anxiety. "Andi, what the hell did you do?"

"Why don't you just sit down first?" She plopped down on your sofa. "Fuck," You mumbled softly and sat down across from her. Andi grabbed your hand and squeezed it. "So after you left, things with my dad got worse..way worse." Your face softened and you rubbed the top of her hand. "He got drunk the one day and he went at me more than usual and," Andi started crying. "He passed out drunk in his recliner and I killed him."

"Andi.." You wiped one of the tears away from her cheeks. "I killed him! I took one of my mother's knitting needles and I gave him what he deserved." She laughed and the sound of it made your blood run cold though you'd be lying if you said if you didn't think the man deserved it. The man was a prick for as long as you could remember and he wasn't exactly a saint.

"My mother came home and she freaked out. 'He never did any of those things to you,' she said. 'You're lying.' So she called the cops and I ran. They never found me obviously but they're still looking for me. I travelled all over for a few months and then I found myself in Staten Island."

"W-what happened in Staten Island?" You asked, a little afraid of the answer. "I met these people, Y/n. Special people, like us. The leader, Rose the Hat, beautiful woman by the way, she's a genius. They gave me a gift and a family."

"What type of a gift?" Andi just smiled. "Eternal life." Her face was serious but you couldn't help but laugh. This all had to be some sick joke. "Bullshit."

"No, really. It's true." Her eyes flickered to the haunting blue. "Don't you think they look pretty now?" You screamed and pulled away from her, nearly falling off the couch. "Andi, what the fuck?!" You screamed at her.

"Just think about it Y/n. If I'm immortal and you're immortal we can be together now, forever. Nothing can tear us apart ever again."

"Andi this is cult shit. Like all the horror movies we watched on TV as kids. How did you even become immortal, what the fuck is up with your eyes, and who the fuck are these people?" Your breathing was ragged and you could feel your body trembling.

She furrowed her brows almost as if she was mad at you. "They're not just people. They're my family. We're The True Knot and what is tied can never be untied. They do this turning on special like us, the steamy ones."

"Steamy?" She nodded. "You know, how I can push people to do things they wants and you can feel bad things before they happen? We inhale the steam and it makes us live forever."

"Where do you get it from?" Andi hesitated before answering. "People..mostly kids."

"You kill people so you can live forever? Andi, that's not right. It's not sane! You're like a fucking vampire!" You screamed. "Empty devils actually," She corrected like it was nothing.

"Were you the one that hurt her?!"

"Who?"

"My daughter and be honest or I swear to god I will rip you apart limb for limb." You growled. "I didn't- I wouldn't hurt your daughter, ever. She's a part of you and that's precious to me." You narrowed your eyes.

"I know it sounds bad but we live forever. We can be together forever. Don't you want that?" Andi held your face in her hands.

"N-no," You said and pushed her away. "N-no?" Andi's smile faded and her eyes flicked up like a snake. You nodded and bit your bottom lip. "I don't even know you anymore. You're not my Andi."

"Y/n. I know I'm different but it's still me. I still love you." You shook your head. "But you're not you though. Your dad was a dick. I can understand that but all the death, the madness..you've gone down a path I can't follow. What you've done isn't even bad, it's just sick."

"Y/n-"

"It's wrong! Think of all those kids you hurt, those poor kids and their parents. Do you know how horrible it feels to lose a child? To think they're going to be safe at a friend's slumber party and be home the next morning and they never come back, and have that small hug and kiss you had with them as the last confusing interaction you had because nothing makes sense and how the pain just never goes away?" You had tears slowly falling down your cheeks.

"No, I wouldn't know and I'm sorry that some sick rube fuck would do that to you but think of it this way, do you cry when a cow is killed?" Your went wide in disbelief. "What?!"

"Do you cry when a cow is killed?" You shook your head. "No, but-"

"That's what we eat is essentially. Rubes are nothing more but a cow waiting for slaughter." You just stared at her, not knowing what to say or do.

"See?" She smiled at you and caressed your cheek. "Nothing to get upset about. That's all it is and nothing more."

"Call me sentimental but I think people have more worth then a cow." Andi made a face and shrugged. "If you say so."

Their was awkward silence for a moment and Andi moved closer to you. "Y/n, please say something," She begged. "Leave."

"What?"

"You heard me Andi." You refused to meet her eyes that you knew were brimming with tears from just her tonality. "Y-y/n, I just found you and I don't want to lose that again. I-i love you!"

"I know you do but I'm sorry. I can't be with you. Not when you're like this." Andi's face went from hysterical to stone cold. "Fine." She picked her purse and walked towards the door, looking at you longingly for a moment before leaving.

You watched her get into an RV and drive off. Once she was out of sight you slumped down onto your couch and covered your face, beginning to cry.

Meanwhile Andi angrily pulled into the Bluebell Campground, the RV coming to the a screeching hault.

Rose, who was a deep state of meditation found her pattern broken at the sound of it. She angrily withdrew her hand from lap, disturbing Crow Daddy who had his head laying on her legs. "The fuck?" She whispered and moved away from him.

"Andi's back already?" He groaned, beginning to sit up. "Yeah. I thought she was going to take longer." She stood up off her pillows. "I'm going to go check on her. I'll be back in a minute."

"Okay," Crow hummed and placed a gentle kiss on her hand. Rose smiled softly and kissed the top of his head before climbing down the ladder and strolling over to Andi's RV. She knocked once before entering.

"You know, I know like to show off sometimes but you don't-" Rose stopped what she saying and shut the door behind her. "What's the matter?" She asked, seeing Andi's tears.

"She turned me away.." She grumbled. "Me! Of all people." Rose sat down next to Andi and tried to get her to look her in the eye. "Did she why or-"

"She's mad at me! She doesn't love me anymore." Rose had to bite her tongue to stop herself from making some remark about you being a stupid rube since she knew how highly Andi always spoke of you.

"Honey, I'm sure that's not true. Did she say that?" Andi shook her head. "N-no! She said she didn't agree with what we did and that she still loved me but just the way she looked me..she looked so ashamed of me!"

Rose hesitantly pulled Andi into a hug. "Well..maybe she just needs time to come around." The younger woman shook her head. "No..she just doesn't want me!"

Rose said nothing a pressed a kiss against her temple. "And then she accused me of doing something to her daughter and I couldn't-I would never-"

"I know..I know. Just give her some time. Because if she does love you the way you say she does, I'm sure she'll come around." Andi only shook her head. "No..she won't. Not this time."

For the next two weeks Andi moped around the campsite, her moods going from high to low and her temper higher than ever.

The whole True noticed it and they were concerned. Everyone tried to talk to her about it and give her advice in many different ways but nothing worked.

On day 14 Rose could finally take no more and she pulled Crow aside to talk. "Look! I know it's not my place but fuck! I can't take this anymore. She's sad all the time and if I have to keep playing nice every time she makes a bitchy remark to me I'm going to not be so fucking nice anymore."

Crow took his hands in her's. "I know..I know. What can we really do for her though, Rosie? If the girl doesn't want to be with her, we can't force her."

"I don't care! If that's the key to her happiness and the end to Andi's bitchness then I want her."

"Rosie-"

"I want her- I fucking want her!"

A few days later you were laying on the couch and reading a book when you heard a knock. It was persistent and you let out a groan. "I'm coming!" The knocking became more urgent and you groaned. "I said I'm coming!"

You looked out the peephole and seen a woman standing on your porch. You cracked the door open. "Well, hi there! Y/n, isn't it?" You hesitantly open the door more and nodded. "Top hat, grey eyes, you must be Rose."

"Your intelligence is well noted, my dear." "She pushed her way past you and slipped through the door, grabbing the sides of your face. "My, aren't you a pretty thing? I see why Andi is so over the moon with you." You shoved Rose away from you. "What the hell makes you think you're welcome in my house?"

"Oh I'm not but desperate times call for desperate measures." She hung her coat up on a hook and walked past you, looking around your living room. "Desperate times?" You asked and she nodded. Rose took one of the picture frames off the wall and looked deeply into a picture of you and your daughter. You wanted to rip out of her hands and scream at her not to touch it but all it would do would give her more kicks. At least it seemed that way at first.

For a second you could of swore you almost felt something close to Rose being sentimental. Once you seen that she wasn't doing it for kicks, the urge faded. "What was her name?" She ran a thumb across the clean glass and focused deeply into it. "Y/d/n."

"Y/d/n," She reiterated silently. "Yes..I see why you're defensive now. You have a steamy little spawn..pretty like you too. I don't have to be around her to see that." Rose turned her head away from the picture. "I can assure you though, I don't have her. Or have ever had her in my possession at any point if that brings you any closure."

You nodded and rubbed your face. "What do you want?" Rose sat down on the small sofa. "I wanted to have a talk with you. It's your house, honey. Sit, please."

You sat down across from Rose who took your hands in hers. "My Andi-"

"She's not yours. She's her own person but go on."

Rose grinned. "My, I struck a nerve. Didn't I? Anyways, Andi is not well." You furrowed your brows. "Oh? How so?"

"She has not been the same since she seen you. Some times when I see Andi, she is an empty shell. She'll come out of her trailer and eat, after that she goes back in and I don't see her for the rest of the day. Other days she's more feisty."

You had to fight the urge to let out a bitter laugh. "You haven't noticed she has mood swings by now?"

"This is different," Rose snapped. "It's concerning the family and no matter what efforts I've taken to wipe your existence from her mind, she refuses to forget you. So-"

"If you're going to ask me to come with you, don't expect me to give you a different answer then I gave Andi."

Rose smiled gamely. "I expected as much but I'm not asking, I'm telling you that you're coming with me." She turned her attention to the dark corner of the room.

"Daddy, I thought you were never coming." You shivered and slowly rotated your body to look in the corner. The only thing you could see were those same haunting blue eyes Andi showed you. A see of blood flashed over your eyes momentarily.

"Traffic was a bitch." He changed his gaze to look at you. "That Y/n?" Rose nodded and stood up. "Y/n, who's giving me a hard time so I might need your assistance."

She smiled down at you and pulled a needle out of her pocket. "The stiller you stay, the easier this will go for you."

"Fuck you." You kicked the coffee table and went to go run out the front door. "Crow!" Rose screamed. "Already on it, Rosie." As soon as your hand connected with the door knob you felt two pairs of hands grasp your mind. Your body went cold and you attempted to let out a scream but nothing happened. "I told you not to run, sweetie," Rose tutted and had Crow wrap his arms around your collar bone.

"Just a little pinch, sweetie." You winced as you felt the needle puncture your skin and the drug entering your body. You fought to keep your eyes open but you felt so tired. "Don't fight it." Rose grinned and patted the top of your head. "Sleep."

Eventually you went limp in Rose's arms. "Well, that went differently than I expected." She grinned. "You have the car pulled around front?"

"You know it Rosie. Am I taking her back or are you?" She thought about it for a moment. "I will. Just in case she tries to pull something." Rose kissed his cheek. "I owe you, honeydoll."

"You owe me, nothing." He kissed her forehead. "Be careful." She hummed in response and began to carry you out to the Jeep as Crow made his way towards his RV, closing himself in.

Rose set you down sitting up and buckled you in. "Jackpot!" She slammed her hands on the dashboard and began the drive back to the Bluebell with you in tow.

When she and Crow arrived back, Andi was already asleep but it didn't stop Rose from banging on her door.

"Andi! Rise and shine!" Rose grinned and knocked loudly. It took a few minutes but Andi swung the door open. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing." Rose forced her way inside. "And you couldn't of waited until tomorrow morning?!"

"Oh sweetie, you know me better than that." She caressed Andi's cheek. "Yeah, I do. Which means you have another reason for being here. So what is it?"

"You can bring her in now, Crow." Andi's eyes went wide as she seen Crow Daddy carry you inside her trailer and gently set you down on her bed.

"Y/n.." She muttered your name softly. "How did you-"

"A little sleeping works a long ways for her." Andi laughed nervously and cracked a smile at Rose. "Thank you." She hugged her tightly. "You're welcome, honey." She patted the top of Andi's head. "Get some rest, please?"

"Yeah." Andi nodded and pulled the covers over you and herself. Rose beckoned for Crow to leave and he immediately obeyed.

She nuzzled close to you in bed, taking in all your features as you slept. "My Y/n.." She hummed softly and kissed you sweetly on the lips.

The next morning when you woke up you refused to talk to Andi at all. "You're mad at me, aren't you?" There was some vulnerability you hadn't heard in Andi's voice in a long time as she handed a cup

"I'm not mad. I'm upset. There's a difference between the two." Andi sighed and sat down next to you, taking your hand in her's. "What was I supposed to do, Y/n? I had no choice."

"I know I'm just-"

"Just frustrated because neither of us had any of this be fair. At all." Andi caressed your cheek. "I know." You set your tea cup down on the table.

"Hold me?" You reached your arms out to her's and Andi pulled you close to her chest. The feeling of her warmth relieved some of the tension in your body and you nuzzled close to her.

"This feels nice.." You muttered softly. "We can have this forever if you want. I know I just..I'm not ready for that."

"And that's okay, I'll wait for you. I know I can't take all the pain away, but I'll try." Andi kissed you sweetly on the lips and you returned the gesture. "Thanks."

"Come on, it's time I introduce you to everyone." Andi held her out to touch yours and you eagerly took it as she brought you outside to meet the rest of the family.

It might of not of been traditional but you had Andi and she had you. You were home.

[ofgoodmenarchive]

Blighted Empire: Ch. 1

Sins of Our Fathers

Dorian hated travelling by sea.

It was a long, lurching journey between Tevinter and Ferelden. He lamented Orlais rejected their ship- Orlesian Circles already overburdened by the first wave. Now all of Thedas struggled to house them.

Curled up on his cot in the gloom, he twitched and turned as his vision spun. There was nothing left in his stomach to heave and the shakes were so intense, in his delirium he worried he'd caught Blight. He wasn't one to run scared for his father and the constant groaning and swaying of the ship did not welcome him- but he felt desperate for a second pair of eyes.

 Do I look sick? Are there sores? Everything is dancing, I can't see.

Stumbling out of the cabin and into the narrow hall, he rocked with the ship and more fell than walked. Magister Pavus couldn't have gone far. He listened intently for his voice through the ceaseless noise of their vessel. The boxed environment had an eerie, dream-like quality. He was unnerved almost beyond reason but couldn't understand why.

 “It can still be done. Take him now- there's no reason to wait.”

He froze, straining to process hushed conversation.

 “The boy has lost his mother and is being taken far from his homeland. This is not the time for such a discussion.” He wasn't certain on the identity of the first voice but this was his father.

 “What discussion? Simply take him now and have it done. Whether in his homeland or Ferelden, he will still be cursed by this affliction. You would prefer he embarrass us in front of outsiders by flirting with inferiors, as he does everywhere?”

An exaggeration to be sure but it still stung. His stomach churned, especially unsettled as he pieced together their discussion. They weren't just griping about his rebellious nature- his father aimed to rid him of his rumoured predispositions before they had a chance to shame his bloodline more than they had.

 “I doubt such things will be on his mind.” He defended his son that much.

 “A fixation of this extent is a disease, Magister Pavus, it does not reason. If he's brought with us as he is he'll be a nuisance at best and at worst, a complete embarrassment.”

Unable to support his weight any longer, knees buckled and he slumped against the door. It held but as his mind spiraled he heard his father.

 “Is someone there?”

Insides tied into knots, time slowed. Habit told him to run but an outrage was stirring. How could his father even consider this? Was it so impossible to love his son as he was? His pulse in his ears, he shoved open the door and stood there, uneven.

What he saw made no discernible sense and he knew something was terribly wrong.

Magister Pavus was present, a statue in the small, dank space. But the disembodied voice belonged to nothing but black- an inky mass that lurked in the corner, watching without eyes. Everything was still, as if the ocean itself had been swallowed.

 This can't be real.

When he'd overheard his father speak of this plan, he'd retreated and hid for the rest of the voyage. The voice was never identified so the demon simply did not know what to replace it with. Perhaps it never expected Dorian to confront his father.

The reflection of Halward Pavus glowered at Dorian, sinister lines ageing his face. Dorian's heart leapt from his chest as he backed into the hall, seasickness replaced by fear.

 “Dorian! Please- wait!” It almost sounded like his father. Tone too exaggerated in concern, intentionally plucking at emotion. Even in such circumstance, his father certainly would not be so frantic. A puppet of Halward Pavus, features seeming to sprout in webs and distort.

Devoid of thought, he ran. He had to get away from that ghoul, that's all that mattered. Mania took him away from the unnaturally lifeless ship- up several ladders and above deck. Retreat gave him time to compose himself, noticing and being thankful that even the ship was built to a rough specification of his memory.

If there had ever been an ocean, it was indeed swallowed. The ship was half-buried in endless piles of scorched stone. Destruction stretched as far as the eye could see; buildings ravaged by green flame, noxious clouds blotted the sky, rot covered a land strewn with bodies.

 The Tevinter Imperium.

They said that on the final retreat, half of the Imperium burned. It could not even be estimated how much was caused by Darkspawn and how much was a defeated army laying waste to everything as it fled.

Dizzy, he steadied on the edge of the ship. If this was the Fade as he suspected and forgetting was a part of it, the Black City should be visible. Nauseous, he scanned the polluted sky and made out dark towers floating in mist.

 The good news, this is certainly not real.

He consoled, straightening himself. Banishing the demon was his only priority and the easiest way was with a weapon from the Fade to channel his will. He could possibly locate one from the ship but didn't want to risk a trap within the narrow space. Feeling more decisive, he hoisted himself over the side and skittered down rubble.

 “Don't you want to speak to your father, Dorian?” A voice taunted as he went.

Trudging through the decay was difficult, it stuck to his limbs, tar-like. He tried not to think of the layers of decomposition he waded through or how many people comprised that sludge. He reminded himself incessantly it was not real. Even if Tevinter looked something like this now, it was a nightmare enhanced by his unconscious.

Toppled structures around him took shape- he recognised fragments of architecture from Minrathous and home- even pieces of the Ferelden Tower, different times and places stitched together in awful tapestry. Legs met less resistance now, a solid ground littered with corpses in place of a swamp.

 “Ah, if it isn't the very fortunate Dorian Pavus! To escape the cleansing of his deviant homeland with limbs, health and sanity while so many fled with nothing! For many, even less than nothing.” It echoed from everywhere, from inside. The unending landscape felt small.

Dismissing it, he plunged onward. He couldn't entertain the demon, not for a moment. His path was clear- it had to remain so.

 “You don't want to talk to me, Dorian?” The voice chided, warbling as it fought for consistency.

 “No, not really, thank you!” A nervous whisper escaped. His next step met an obstacle, something cold and unrelenting around his leg. Yanking, he refused to see but it was so tenacious he had to steal a glance to thump it in the face with his opposite boot.

Maybe it had been the face of someone he knew, back at the 'Forgotten District of Minrathous', he dared not allow the image to set. Perhaps the voice that scratched from tattered chords would be familiar if his thoughts were not persistently screaming to drown it.

 “You wonder what makes you so much better, don't you? You wonder why you deserved to live.”

 “It wasn't my choice!” He couldn't help yelling while he kicked, over and over until the arm severed. He broke into a sprint.

 “None of it was my choice!”  He had to scream it. He needed it to be known. He needed to believe it. The demon would not relent, striking before he could recover.

 “And what of your choices, my son?” Unmistakably familiar though she croaked so dry.

They said on the final retreat, half of the Imperium burned.

 Dorian, I don't think she'll be there.

 Mournful words as the great silhouettes of the harbour stood almost grandly against blood-streaked horizons.

There was no escape from it, was there? With a grave turn, he faced the blackened corpse of his mother. Grief buried so deep the demon failed to reconstruct her appearance. How fortunate most of Tevinter lay in ashes.

 “Fooling around while your betters prepare, shirking responsibilities, drinking and joking, losing your amulet, fraternising with inferiors. And do you think people can't tell why you look at Felix that way? Why you drag him into playing house and act like it was his notion?”

 “You're very chatty for a woman who burned to death.” He mocked with an edge of hysteria and in equally hysterical motion, threw his hand, willing a shape that obliterated the area. Shards of ice pierced the land where the nightmare once stood. Dorian hadn't even realised what form he cast- reflex became his strategy.

 “Why don't you want to talk to your family, Dorian? Don't you miss them?”  The voice underwent more grotesque transformation, sampling whatever fruits Dorian's vulnerable mind bore. The spot of ice pulsed and grew, temperature falling dramatically, unforgiving winds howled through the nightmare. He tried to outmaneuver the frost and slipped.

 “But you would speak to me, would you not?”

Keeper Lavellan cast a long shadow. Lightbringer's sharp glow aimed at Dorian's throat. His reaction to this was more visceral than towards the ghoul of his father. Heart drummed painfully against rib cage as he swiveled on ice and skid over harsh terrain. He couldn't find a grip but managed to swerve behind a spire.

The real Lavellan was already uncompromising and only half-reasonable, he could only imagine a demonic figment to be merciless. Thoughts screamed as he tried to organise a plan of attack.

Relaxed steps clicked after him. One set, two set, three sets.

 “Does it shame you to face me, Tevinter?”

 “Does it make you feel small, stupid, unworthy?”

 “Does it make you feel unclean?”

Hands clasped ears, blocking the trio of Lavellans as best he could. Of course there would be three! Except these brothers were the same person and all their malice crept towards Dorian. He risked a glance around; poor mimics of Lavellan, really. He was not quite that sharp, not quite that towering, not quite that cold. Lightbringer wasn't even accurate!- He couldn't recall the runes seamlessly but enough to know they were wrong!

Listing these discrepancies brought little comfort. How could he face three demonic, mad elves on his own, even if they were fade-forms?

It dawned on him- he didn't have to. The Fade wasn't just home to nightmares but benevolent spirits. If he chose cautiously and inscribed correctly, one might give aid.

They were edging towards him but no matter how Dorian scribbled on ice, he couldn't remember the rune for Valour. It was like trying to recite a melody and losing yourself in another, akin but different. He couldn't comprehend these intruding runes but they were all he could think as he drew summoning circle after summoning circle.

 “Tell me something.”

He was out of time.

Tearing his gaze away from cryptic doodles, he met the nightmarish Lavellan in the eye.

He remembered the last time they spoke, Lavellan grieved his people. Now he loomed like a harbinger of death, an immense figure with a triplet at each side and mockery of a celestial blade.

 “Do you ever consider that what was left of my family died so that the rest of yours may live? Do you ever consider that I may die in your place, reclaiming your homeland? Does your existence not shame you, Dorian Pavus?”

Despair strangled him, an incredible weakness overpowered his limbs. Through tears he looked between the fake Lavellan and his juvenile circles.

 “Lavellan...I shame myself...” Delirious and sapped of reason, he placed fingers on the initially-drawn summon. It felt right, somehow. All of his will poured into those etchings until they came alive, submitting himself to the Fade.

Light blinded him. He processed the outline of a straight-backed figure atop the circle, rejuvenating warmth shielding them both.

 “How repulsive.” It stated tepidly and there was a slice of movement. With discoloured vision, it looked as though the demon Lavellans were squeezed by invisible hands, causing them to burst like firecrackers.

His mind swirled, colour tinted the scene in patches.

 “Valour?”

 “No.”

When eyes readjusted it was still Lavellan but the contrast between him and the others was night and day. The chill was present but did not overwhelm and Lightbringer rested, the weight of it at his belt much less threatening.

 “You're not Lavellan either.” He thought aloud. “Lavellan is fighting Darkspawn in Tevinter.”

It was not, could not be Lavellan but still the familiar scrutinisation was uncanny.

 “I am remembered here. Why do you summon me?”

Whatever he'd drawn, Dorian concluded it reached not only into his memory but into those of the Dalish turned Circle Mages- it was the only way to account for the accuracy. He wondered if the spirit who answered was aware of its situation.

 “To defeat the demon, of course.”

 “That is not what I meant.”

 “I was trying to summon Valour.” He repeated and considered that spirit Lavellan was still rather draining.

 “You are a bad liar, Dorian Pavus.” The way he said it was so human it caught him off guard, going on the defensive.

 “I won't stand in this Fade-pit and be lectured by a fake Lavellan! Tell me your real name and I might oblige you!”

The imitative spirit became static, pupils unmoving. He wondered if he'd broken it, if it was searching within the Fade, or struggled with the conundrum on whether to respond to a question the true Lavellan rejected. Well, good!

Eyes blinked into animation, a name finally decided upon.

 “Evallan.”

 “You made that up.” He said reflexively and the spirit only looked at him, humourless. Though he might have wanted to continue testing, a darkness crawled over everything. He made some sound in alarm but the spirit's voice hushed him, gentle.

READ MORE ON AO3

[icedinsomnia]

UnderGods

A girl about seventeen years of age moved through the shadows of the back alleys of the ruined city, security drones surveilling the streets for rebel scum. Her fur hood covering her face, she made her way into a nearby tavern. Compared to all the other monsters and humans left in the broken world, she had to be the most casted out but also the most wanted. She took a seat in the back, her white hair covering the right side of her face, her left red eye shining brightly. Her hair was at chin length and was decently kept, the hoodie she wore an old faded blue color with a fur cream colored hood. A thick belt wrapped around her abdomen, ripped and repaired jeans with combat boots to finish off her attire. She called for a waiter with a lift of her hand, her skeleton fingers and wrist visible. Her other hand was similar, but her arm was nothing but bone. The girl touched a golden heart locket she wore around her neck, thinking of her parents and the ones she had to leave behind. She had hoped to enjoy her moment of peace when three figures approached her from a nearby table, each taking a seat across from her.

“So…” the one started, a big cyborg man, started. His buzz cut hair and replaced body parts indicating that he was apart of the war or a survivor of the purge.

“Are you the one they call Karma?” another asked, finishing his friends’ sentence. The second one was scrawny and underweight, his feline claws and grey and black spotted fur covered by a shawl and some extra cloths that seemed to be loosely sewn together. The third one was reptilian for the most part, but she also had lizard like features. Her scales were an off blueish white, short spines jutting out of the back of her head, fins near her ears, gills on her neck and claws that could cut threw steel. She wore a dress with a cape draped over her shoulders. Her tail swishing back and forth in anticipation.

“Yes… I am Karma.” The girl responded, keeping her voice down and watching the eyes of the other patrons.

“It is an honor to meet you! We have been looking everywhere for you and the rebellion!” the feline said excitedly, trying to keep his voice down.

“Oh really? Then please tell me, why do you want to join the rebellion?” Karma asked, crossing her arms, making sure her bones were hidden.

“We want revenge.” The reptilian answered. The other two nodded. Karma considered this.

“Why do you want revenge?” Karma asked, her voice sending shivers down their spines. The three hesitated to continue, but the cyborg broke the silence.

“Our families were killed by The Mandate, we have nothing left…” the other two nodded in agreement.

“So what of it?” Karma responded harshly, the three sat still, no words escaping them.

“I watched my mother die, my father in critical condition, my uncle missing and my grandfather against me. I had to kill my brother because he got infected by the plague, I had to leave my family to save their lives and now here I am, running a rebellion that should have been killed off twenty years ago. So don’t you dare say that that is a good excuse for justice.” Karma hissed, her covered eye glowing a florescent blue color.

“Please Karma… we know what your parents did for the human and monster races, we heard about the accident, and what happened to us was just icing to top the cake. We want to be a part of this… so please… give us a chance?” The cyborg pleaded, the others with the same hope in their eyes. Karma sighed heavily.

“Fine, but one slip up and you’re out.” Karma stood, the others following her like lost puppies.

“What are your names anyway?” Karma asked, putting her hood back up.

“I’m Ace.” The cyborg answered.

“The feline is Caoi and the reptilian is Evanna.” The four of them walked outside, checking the streets for security drones.

“Well, Ace, Caoi, Evanna…” a robotic security automata stepped out from behind Karma, her not seeming to care as it scanned her.

“Welcome to the rebellion.” She said as her covered eye exploded with florescent blue light, the energy so powerful it moved her hair away from her face to show that her left side was all bone and no flesh. She used the magic bestowed upon her to summon a hand gun that looked to show no real promise. But as she aimed and pulled the trigger, the automata became nothing but scraps, the same plasma ray shot out of her gun the same color as her glowing eye. Karma laughed at the sight of the decimated automata, her eye ceasing to glow.

“Get dunked on motherfucker.” She laughed in hysteria, her gun becoming nothing in an instant.

 The four of them cautiously made their way into the sewers, going through twists and turns until they eventually came across a steel door. Karma knocked in a series of three, eight, and one. They waited a moment, then the door opened. Inside was a massive hideout, filled with tunnels and equipment. There were many people scattered about, the one who opened the door, an undead like male with black hair and rotten flesh, smiled at them as they entered. Karma smiled back as she led the three new comers down the middle most tunnel.

“The left tunnel is the sleeping quarters, the right is the medical wing, and this one is where we keep our provisions and weapons.” Karma explained, pointing things out as they moved along.

“Why are we in this tunnel then? Shouldn’t we be taken to the sleeping quarters first?” Ace asked, he seemed tense. Karma sensed this immediately.

“There is someone I want you to meet first…” Karma opened a door off to the left of the long tunnel and stepped inside. It was a room, candles and calming music setting a tranquil mood. The one who sat one the mat looked up at them. The left side of his skull shattered, eyes heavy and tired. His kimono a black and blue color.

“Father?” Karma knelt in front of him, sitting up straight. Sans looked at his daughter with a dead gaze.

“You’re late…” He mumbled, glancing behind her and to the trio.

“Sorry… I was caught up at the tavern… I found three promising recruits though…” Evanna avoided Sans’s gaze, trying to remain in the shadows.

“Evanna? Is that you?” Sans leaned to the left to stare at her, she backed up a few steps, almost hiding behind Ace and Caoi.

“You know her father?” Karma stood, voice changing from pleasant to angry in two seconds. Evanna shivered.

“That’s Undyne and Alphys’s daughter…” Sans stood as well, Karma instantaneously going over to support him.

“Wait… but they’re two girls… how the hell did they have a child together?!” Karma asked, bewildered. She shot a gaze of daggers at Evanna.

“M…my mother… Alphys… explained it like this: if a fish is unable to find a proper mate of the opposing gender than that fish becomes the gender to compensate for the missing piece, this is especially common if two of the same gender fish are in proximity of each other and are capable for mating…” Evanna almost laughed at the sight of Karma’s, she was so confused and not even trying to hide it.

“So…Undyne’s a guy now?” She asked, keeping her father steady with one arm. Evanna shook her head.

“No, no, she only changed gender temporarily… I think… she’s back to normal now… probably…” Evanna avoided Karma’s razor gaze.

“Well, that was a science conversation. A little fishy for my taste but interestfin none the less.” Sans joked, Karma chuckling quietly.

“Father. No.” she giggled, trying to look professional. Sans took it as a challenge.

“But I’m not finished! I know you can school me any time of the day with your jokes, and I am whale away from catching up!” Sans laughed as his daughter collapsed on the ground in her silent explosion of laughter.

“That’s my girl. You know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. Oh speaking of…” Karma looked up at him, tears in her eye and eye socket.

“Alphys wants to see you. She’s upping the dose of your medication.” Karma was silent for a while, she sighed.

“Ok… I’ll head there after I get you to your room, and show these bone heads theirs.” Her and Sans chuckled.

“Alright princess. Let’s go then…” Karma guided Sans out of the small tranquil room, the trio following them.

“I…if you don’t mind me asking… how long has my mother been working here…?” Evanna asked, keeping close to Ace and Caoi. Karma glared at her.

“A while.” Was all she said, they walked in silence the rest of the way. The trio waited outside as Karma took care of her father, once she closed the door though, the questions started.

“Did he really take on Lord Chara on his own?!” Caoi asked first.

“Are you really Frisk and Sans’s daughter?! What happened to your brother?!” Ace asked next.

“Are both my mothers’ working here or just the one?” Evanna asked, stopping herself before she asked another question. Karma inhaled sharply.

“I will say this once… you can ask me questions between the hours of four and five and if I don’t answer them don’t push for an answer. Or else.” There was a pause.

“To answer your questions since it’s still between four and five… yes he took on Chara on his own, he almost won too… yes I am Frisk and Sans’ daughter, I will not mention what happened to my brother, and yes both Alphys and Undyne have finally decided to work with us again…” Karma exhaled, her eye becoming clouded in what seemed like grief.

“Let me show you to your quarters…” Karma turned and started walking, the three looking at each other before walking after her. They were a ways down the tunnel when Karma stopped.

“The door to my left is for you three, we are currently working on expanding and adding more sleeping spaces so you will have to share for now…” Karma was about to walk off when she heard running footsteps from behind her. With a swift turn she was face to face with Undyne, her battle scars running deep along her arms and face.

“Where the fuck were you?!” Undyne shouted, Evanna hid herself behind Ace, hoping her mother hasn’t noticed her.

“I was out, why do you care?” Karma crossed her arms, not fazed by Undyne at all. Evanna, held her breath and started creeping into their room.

“You father was worried sick! He thought The Mandate got you!” Undyne continued, Karma yawned. Evanna was halfway through the door when Undyne spotted her.

“Eva! Is that you?! What the fuck are you doing here?! I thought you were with Asgore?!?!” Undyne grabbed her daughter and pulled her to her side.

“I am taking you back to them right now!” Undyne yelled, Evanna tried to pull away.

“No! I want to help the rebellion! I want my chance to make a difference!” Evanna yelled back, pulling harder.

“Nonsense! You don’t know anything!” Undyne started walking with her daughters arm in her grasp when Karma stepped in front of them.

“She’s with me Undyne. Let her go.” Karma grabbed Evanna’s other arm.

“She’s my daughter! I say what’s right!” Undyne pulled her daughters arm, Karma pulled the other.

“She’s under my supervision. She is my responsibility now.” Karma’s covered eye socket flared to life, Undyne getting a chill running down her back. Undyne looked from Karma to Ace to Caoi and finally to Evanna. She sighed, letting go of Evanna’s arm.

“If she dies… I will make sure you go through actual hell…” Undyne hissed as she walked passed them. Karma’s eye socket ceased glowing, she winced and put her hand on her socket like it hurt.

“Karma? You alright?” Caoi put a hand on her shoulder, she pulled away and started speed walking to the main room, leaving the trio alone.

“I’m… going to check on her…” Caoi started walking, but Ace stopped him.

“I wouldn’t. She doesn’t trust us yet. Don’t want to give her a reason to be even more upset, do you?” Ace ruffled Caoi’s fur between his ears and motioned toward their room. Evanna stood in the tunnel, sweat dripping down her face. She started walking, then running. But not to the main room, to Sans’s room.

 Evanna knocked on Sans’s door. She could hear the sound of light footsteps inside. Then the door opened, the weakened skeleton yawning as he starred at her.

“What’s up kid? Is Karma being a pain again?” Sans joked, smiling kindly.

“It is about Karma yes… but it’s not what she did that I’m worried about…” Evanna dropped her gaze, Sans had a serious expression that she was nervous to look at directly.

“What happened?” He asked, no sign of his lightheartedness in his voice. Evanna trembled.

“S…she and my mother got in a bit of a heated argument… and she stood up for me… she threatened my mother with a flare of blue magic… her eye… it looked like it was hurting her… is this common or should we be worried? Because I want to be useful to her, to everyone. I may not be the strongest but I am good with strategy and I want to be sure I can be of use so right now I’m trying to be useful, so is she gonna be ok?” Evanna met Sans’s gaze and froze. He looked like he watched everything he loved be ripped apart right in front of him.

“Sans?” Evanna was at a stump of what to do.

“Where is she?” He asked, working his way into the tunnel, Evanna at his side to help him if he need it.

“Uh… I don’t know… I saw her head to the main room… but I’m not sure past that…” Evanna put a hand on Sans’s shoulder. He mumbled something.

“What?” she asked, hoping he wasn’t griping about her.

“I think I know where she went. And if she’s there I’m going to beat her ass.” Sans grumbled as he and Evanna teleported to a desolate room in an unknown tunnel. And there was Karma, a bottle of what looked like wine in her hand and a florescent blue substance on her other hand. Sans approached her, putting a hand on his daughters shoulder.

“Karma? You ok kid?” Sans sat next to her, he was trying to keep his composure but Evanna could tell that the situation wasn’t good.

“Why won’t it stop… why won’t they go away… why can’t I die yet…” Karma mumbled, Sans rubbed her back and sighed. He looked over to Evanna and said quietly.

“Run to the medical wing and get Alphys. Tell her to go to Karma’s Lookout.” Evanna nodded and started running the opposite direction. Sans watched her go, his daughter mumbling and twitching, her eye socket leaking florescent blue magic.

“Karma… it will be ok.” Sans tried to calm her, keeping his distance. The last time her condition got this bad… his skull was smashed in on the left side.

“Why won’t they stop…? Why won’t he go away…?” she mumbled, scratching her arms open, crimson blood dripping on her legs and the metal of the tunnel.

“Who sweetheart?” Sans had a feeling of who she was going to say, based off what happened last time. But… every time he asks her, it seems to calm her slightly.

“Arial… I hear him… I always hear him… why won’t it stop… why won’t he rest…?” Sans watched as his child spiraled into her psychosis state, madness taking over.

“He’s gone Karma, he isn’t here…” Sans moved away quickly as Karma swung around to face him with a murderous glare.

“DoN’t LiE tO mE!!!” She yelled in a voice completely unknown to Sans. Sans recoiled, the ripped flesh that served as a dividing line between her face and skull seemed to move, making the flesh of her face a little less. Sans inhaled sharply, it gets worse and worse each time this happens and yet Sans is always mentally unprepared for it.

“Arial isn’t here Karma… not like I’m here, or you. He exists in the void now…” Sans tried to reason with her, her eye ablaze with an uncontrollable amount of power.

“LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!!!” She screamed, Sans prepared himself, ready to do what he must for his child, when blue bones suddenly surrounded her. She hissed. Papyrus stepped out into the dim light, Alphys and Evanna standing close behind him.

“You know the drill little niece. Don’t move and you’ll be fine.” Alphys was fidgeting with a syringe and some liquid, the sight of it making Karma go into a rage, slamming herself against the bones that caged her. Her HP was dropping at a tremendous rate, her blood splattering on the ground with each hit.

“Papyrus! Stop your attack!” Sans yelled to his brother. But Papyrus didn’t give in, he watched as his niece slammed herself against his blue attack until she collapsed onto the floor panting, her HP down to 10. Sans pleaded with his brother to stop, to let her go. Papyrus looked down at him with a look of envy and hatred. After the war, Papyrus became cold inside, jealous of the love that Sans and Frisk had, hatred grew when they had gotten married and were eventually gifted with twins, a girl and a boy. One with too much magic and one with too little. Papyrus blames Sans for Frisk’s death and Arial’s death. Papyrus loved them, missed them, and could never forgive Sans for what he did. Papyrus let Karma go, Alphys immediately going over to give her sedatives. Evanna, the poor girl, watching in horror as Papyrus picked up Karma and through her over his shoulder. Her blood everywhere. But what scared her the most wasn’t the blood or even the fact that she watched Karma almost kill herself, it was the cold malice in Papyrus’s eyes, the usual dead glow from his magic gone and replaced with the look of a mass murderer. The look you would see on the face of the God of this realm… Chara.

It was a month after Frisk freed everyone from the underground, she had tried to reason with the human’s ruler, Chara, for some time… but it was all put to waste when human scouts stared burning their small village and slaughtering veterans of the Great War. Frisk and Sans led the rebellion against Chara’s forces for a year, when the time came to infiltrate the castle, they were greeted with the surprise of advanced weaponry and robotic soldiers. It was a miracle that a third of them survived the assault. Years later Frisk signed over the rest of monster kind to the rule of Chara, and due to the circumstances, it was their only option left. Monsters and humans did live in a sort of harmony, but it was one where everyone feared the dictator of the land, where there were no freedoms of any kind, where survival was the only was to live. Frisk and Sans secretly built the rebellion from scratch, making it bigger and better then before. But when Frisk died giving birth to her twins Karma and Arial. The rebellion was grieving over Frisk’s death, but it took another hit when the young boy fell ill and died three weeks later due to an unknown illness. But little did anyone know, the young child was murdered, and the illness Karma suffers from, the illness that should have killed her, was caused by the same monster.

“I don’t understand it…” Alphys had said to Sans in private after the death of his son.

“This kind of illness is just… I it just doesn’t happen!” Sans rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.

“Alphys… I just lost my son and you’re coming to me not making any sense at all... so forgive me for saying but if you don’t get to the damn point then I’m leaving.” Alphys was silent for a moment before whispering the words that changed Sans’s viewpoint forever.

“He was murdered…”

 Sans kept a close eye on Papyrus as he carried Karma to Alphys’s wing. Sans had suspected that Papyrus was apart of his son’s death somehow and for Karma’s condition, but if he were to accuse his brother with no proof then it would all seem like rambling from a grieving old man. Sans has been looking for some sort of proof behind Papyrus’s deeds, but he found nothing… everything was scrubbed clean. Maybe it was just his imagination? Maybe Sans was becoming that grieving old man who just needed someone to blame for all his problems. Sans sighed. He knew that if Karma couldn’t control her powers soon she would… basically her own powers would kill her. Alphys gave Sans this complicated explanation about her energy output and her soul power and the potential DT that she could have inherited from Frisk. It was to dangerous to look at Karma’s soul due to her fragile state, but it was possible that she has Determination like her mother, its what everyone hoped for.

Papyrus left Karma with Alphys and Sans, pulling Evanna aside to a tunnel where no sound escaped. Papyrus had his arms crossed as he looked down at the young girl. Her eyes big and fearful, her lip quivering.

“I won’t go into too much explanation seeing as you figured out my true intentions here…” Papyrus had that look again, tears erupted from Evanna’s eyes.

“I… I won’t say anything… I promise…” she begged, shaking and crying. Papyrus sighed and put a hand on her shoulder.

“I know you won’t… but…” Papyrus in that moment summoned a sharpened bone, it swiftly making its way into Evanna’s stomach and through her back.

“I can’t take any chances…” was the last thing Evanna heard before she bled to death on the cold steel of the tunnel.

 News of Evanna’s death spread quickly, and in that short amount of time everyone turned on each other. It took only a half hour before the rebellion started ripping itself apart. It was another half hour after the slaughter started that King Chara and his forces arrived. The king, accompanied by his lead warrior Mettaton and his High Demon council member, Sans and Papyrus’s father, Gaster finished the slaughter swiftly, ash and blood mixed with the newly ignition of fire spread through their once peaceful base. Sans stood in the middle of the room, betrayal and rage across his face. Papyrus, in all the chaos, managed to make it to the medical wing and grab Sans’s unconscious daughter.

“Why… WHY PAPYRUS?!” Sans screamed, tears running down his face. Papyrus looked to Chara first for his approval before looking back at Sans.

“It was the only way to save you…” Papyrus left quickly after saying that, Karma flung over his shoulder. Sans looked up at Chara, Mettaton and Gaster.

“My lord, shall I dispose of him?” Mettaton asked Chara loudly so Sans could hear the conversation as well. Chara thought, glaring at Sans.

“No… We shall spare his life, for now. It’s your lucky day skeleton. The fact that I’m taking pity on you should be a blessing enough.” Chara smiled down at him before him and his forces left, the building and tunnels collapsing behind them.

“A pity… I was hoping I would be able to fight him again…” Chara sighed. Sans teleported in front of the now destroyed, burning remains of his home.

“Karma… I will get you back… I promise…” Sans turned around suddenly to an unfamiliar figure in a cloak.

“Hello UnderGods Sans…” the cloaked figure stepped into the fires light, so Sans could see his face. He was a younger boy, around Karma’s age, with black eyes and galaxy hair that seemed to change with his emotions.

“Who are you?” Sans hissed, glaring at the boy, he sighed and had this face that was so done with everything and everyone.

“My name is Cosmic Void, and I have come to recruit you.” The boy, Cosmic, smiled. Sans relaxed a bit and thought.

“Recruit me for what?” was all Sans could say, if Cosmic had pupils or color in his eyes Sans was sure he would be rolling his eyes.

“The multiverse is in danger, and we need all the help we can get… and if you help us, I will help you get Karma back.” Sans knew what kind of kid Cosmic was now, and it frightened him. He was the one who would do anything to get what he wanted, no matter what he had to do to get it.

“If I help you save the multiverse… you will help me save my daughter…” Sans considered this greatly, he didn’t trust Cosmic but…

“Alright… I will help you…” Sans had this neutral expression that didn’t seem to affect Cosmic at all.

“Great! That’s one more AU to help the cause! Come on, my sister and uncle want to meet you!” Cosmic grabbed Sans’s hand and opened a portal, dragging Sans behind it. The portal closed on this world and would only do so two more times in its history. Karma knew this, so she waited locked in her cell for the day that her brother and father would rescue her. She was filled with Determination.

[lovelustthrustt]

I miss you.

Hi.

I miss you.

I wish that was enough to accurately describe how I feel, but it doesn’t, not even close. I don’t just miss you; I feel so much more than a mere longing. I could create a galaxy full of life with what I feel for you. I feel everything. My heart hurts so much, but it also is filled with so much love, especially for you.

I miss your laugh, your lame jokes, your hugs, your singing and dancing, I miss our six flags trips. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I can’t say it enough. I miss seeing everyone happy. I miss your beautiful contagious smile. You had a personality that could have made anyones day better.

I thought 137 days would at least put a dent in how much I hurt, but it didn’t. It’s been 137 days of your absence, 137 days of missing you, 137 days of “being strong”. It’s been 137 days of trying to forget, 137 days trying not to care, not letting anyone close enough to hurt me, to leave me. It’s been 137 days and I feel everything stronger than ever, and it hurts so much more than this string of words could ever portray. I don’t understand, Molly.. I thought time was supposed to heal; it hasn’t healed anything, only replaced memories and has served as a constant reminder that you’re gone.

Happiness is seldom what I feel, no matter the smile on my face or laugh in my throat or twinkle in my eyes. You’re all I see and it hardly makes me smile, especially as of recent. It’s impossible to be truly happy when the only person who never left my side, actually left and I will never get back. Every time I think I’m getting better, I remember what I was running from to begin with and am brought right back to the start.

I tried everything to accept that you were gone, or at least forget. I tried going out, having fun, drinking. I tried detaching myself from everyone. I wanted to be invisible, transparent, forgotten. I tried not to exist. I pretended to be happy; I let myself be sad. I tried not caring about anyone or anything, not taking anything seriously. I tried taking everything seriously, caring too much; but, nothing brought you back, nothing changed what happened, nothing made this okay. You’re still gone.

I pretended it never happened. I couldn’t hide from the fact that I missed you. I had to face it and trying to be strong. But it didnt work.

The longer you’ve been gone, the worst my breakdowns get. The pain is unbearable, each time hurting in a way it never had before while clean tears stream down my flushed face in pure hysteria. I stay that way for what seems like hours but could only been a minute unable to breathe; crying and crying and then I go unmoved. I feel nothing. Not a movement of the face, no aching, no flutter of the heart, twitch of the fingers, nothing. I still don’t know what is worse, feeling everything so intensely or nothing at all.

How has 137 days not lessened the sorrow and aching I feel when I think about you? I thought I would hear your name and smile; a loving memory, a gift, but I’m selfish and memories aren’t enough for me. Day to day nothing changes: the grass is still the grass without you and I am moving forward as much as I try to fight it. I feel guilty laughing and smiling and having fun, so I remember going through a period where my body and mind set to auto-pilot. The days would pass and I would have no recognition of what I had done and it was easy that way. I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to explain myself or talk to anyone or go out of my comfort zone. It was emotionless, painless, but was no way to live.

I hated that time. The grief turned to undeniable depression. Now depression, a cousin to grief, wasn’t listening to “our songs” with mascara streaming down my face in clumpy black lines, it was darker, colder; it was so incredibly empty. The type of emptiness that turned friends to enemies and family to strangers as I pushed and pushed so they didn’t have to see me that way, they didn’t have to feel what I feel every day. I thought I was protecting them. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, to be a burden, and the last thing I needed to hear was how strong I was and that everything was going to be okay because I didn’t believe it.

It hurts to think all I have are memories and I’m terrified to my core that I will begin to forget. The smallest moments I cherish the most and I don’t know how to preserve them. I can obsess over it, let it consume me, but I don’t want to be in love with a memory; a time, a place, an instant. Memory is unreliable and memories fade.

All I have are pictures, videos, and a foggy memory. I guess the pictures and videos help me remember your face, full of life and that voice I would recognize anywhere, but I still wish I had more. I don’t want my memory to rely on these things and I guess that’s why I write. I write to remember, I write to forget. I write to understand and accept and reflect. Through my writing I still feel pain, sometimes relive it, but it’s where the puzzle pieces begin to fit. I quiet the voices in my head and there’s a brief moment of what I imagine is peace, happiness. You gave me a purpose, something to feel. I have an urge to write it all down, I want to remember everything, and most importantly I want to treasure and hold on to the memories that are mine, that are authentic.

There was so much more I wanted to say to you. There was so much more I wanted to do. There was so much more I wanted to be. I thought we had more time.

I lay awake at night consumed by the thought of you and our memories and everything I didn’t get to say and everything we didn’t get to do. I let what happened get to me and life seems unlivable. I think most days I convince myself you’re on a vacation, an extended one. You’re somewhere warm and remote with no way to contact me and then I remember you’re not on an island in the middle of nowhere, you’re gone. Those are the days that hurt the most.

I have so many questions and so little answers and begin to act out in search of something, anything, to act as an escape and make my problems seem small and far away. That never lasts though, and I am forever reminded that my heart is always with you. Sometimes I don’t feel you here with me, I don’t see you in my dreams, there’s silence and I feel like you left me all over again; it is such a terrible feeling. It’s like having your hopes and dreams crushed in front of you, it’s like being told you were never good enough and never will be, it’s like jumping off a cliff and realizing you can’t fly.

You taught me that you never know when the last moment you will see someone will be and to not hold grudges, not to hold back because there isn’t time for that. You taught me to be everything I wanted and get everything I imagined, feel deeply and without regret. You showed me the kind of friends I want, the kind I want to be. Thank you. This was a higher love, a love that will last forever. As much as I want to be with you right now, I know my life will end when it is supposed to, I just hate accepting it.

My heart is different now, and every day is a fight to accept that. You are the only one I blurred my hard edges for, become soft and vulnerable for. You proved how malleable and prone to change we are, no matter our feelings towards it. I’ve always been drawn to the darker side of things but this year forced me to test what it is like to be positive and strong and every day I work on it. People constantly disappoint and it takes everything in me not to hide, remove myself, stop caring; I do it for you.

To this day I still lose myself trying to find myself and hurt a lot of people while I’m hurting. I don’t know when the pain will lessen or I will finally smile at your name; I don’t know if I will ever be okay or accept things as they are. I can hear your laugh; see your big bright blue eyes with heaven in them, your kindness and goodness I can feel. You were and still are my childhood bestfriend.

Until we meet again sunshine.

I love you!

[geekmama]

Benefit of the Doubt

It seems to be Molly POV Week at the geekmama estate. Still another post-”I Love You” fic, because I’m always disturbed when I run across a fic where Molly is so angry about that phone call that she’s ready to throw up her hands and give up on Sherlock. Never seems logical to me, considering the long years and other weirdness they’ve gone through.

She’s known him a very long time. Why wouldn’t she give him the benefit of the doubt?

“I love you.” 

And the line went dead. 

Molly set her mobile on the counter and raised trembling hands to her mouth. Then, realizing there was no use in fighting it, she went into her living room, dim in the fading light of late afternoon, sat down on her sofa and wept as though her heart had been ripped to shreds. 

It was long agonizing minutes before she began to think with any coherence, and her first thoughts were Why? Why? Why? 

Why did beautiful things have to die? 

Joanne and Matt’s darling baby girl… Molly had only assisted at the post mortem, but that had been bad enough. Terrible, in fact. And the results inconclusive, as so many of those cases were. And Joanne had tried to comfort her when she had failed to hold herself together when she’d given them the report. 

After that, Mike had sent her home for the rest of the day... and she’d found Toby. 

There should have been no comparison, but there was. He had been hers in a way that no other being in her life ever had. 

People who claimed that animals did not really love were ignorant fools.   

And then… on top of all that… 

It was said that disaster always came in threes, and here was incontrovertible proof. 

She threw herself back on the couch and stared blindly at the ceiling, tears slipping from the corners of her eyes into her hair. 

I… love you. I love you! 

Oh, that had thrown him off, her insistence that he say it first. Maybe it had been childish… but no. If she must suffer, so would he, by God. The words held true. 

She replayed it over and over in her head, hearing him struggle to say the words. 

Well, the first time he’d certainly struggled. But the second time… 

She frowned. 

What on earth had he been playing at with that phone call? 

And why had he called in the first place? I prefer to text. She could hear him saying that, as he had so many times, in that flat, condescending way of his, though sometimes with mischief at the back of his eyes. 

He never called… or rarely. If there was some emergency… 

A sudden premonition rapidly expanded to a full-on shiver of fear.. 

To call, then to ask such an unprecedented, uncharacteristic thing of her. And then to hang up immediately? 

There was something wrong. 

Maybe very wrong, knowing Sherlock (as she did), and considering the things that had happened between all of them in the last six months. 

She got up, feeling drained and old, but fear and curiosity hounding her. Went to the kitchen and snatched up her phone. Nothing, just the record of the two calls. Eighty-eight seconds of the strangest conversation she’d ever had with him (and they were always strange, in one way or another). 

After a second’s hesitation she decided to text him.

  Sherlock, what’s going on? -MH

 She waited ten minutes for a reply, tidying her grief-ravaged self, then finishing up making the tea she’d started before being interrupted. Took slow sips of the delicious brew, trying to stay calm. 

But there was no reply. 

So she texted Greg.

  Greg, do you know where Sherlock is? - MH

 Two minutes later, Greg’s text alert sounded.

  Molls! He’s out of town. - GL

  Baker Street got blown up again but everyone’s OK. - GL

  Oh, God!

  He’s on the case. - GL

  Mrs. Hudson? - MH

  Gone to her sister’s. Took her to the station myself. - GL

 She began another line of text, but then deleted it and phoned him instead. 

“Molly?” he asked when he picked up. 

“Greg, there… I think there’s something wrong. Sherlock called me a bit ago and … it wasn’t right.” 

“What wasn’t right?” 

“Well, he never calls when he can text, unless it’s something dire. And… he sounded… not himself. Almost frightened!” She was beginning to remember the rest of the conversation, his panicky Don’t hang up! And his nervous, I know you’re not an experiment. You’re my friend. We’re friends.  “Greg, where did he go?” 

“Well, that’s just it, I don’t exactly know. But Mycroft’s with him, and John. Lord… But they’ll be alright.” 

He sounded as though he was trying to convince himself, now, as well as her. Molly’s heart thudded in her chest, but she managed to put a smile in her voice (just as Sherlock had… oh, God!) and said, “Yes. I’m sure you’re right. The three of them… well, they’d be unstoppable.” 

“Yeah,” said Greg, thoughtfully. “Look, when did you take his call? Can you tell me what he said.” 

Molly swallowed hard. “It… it was about forty minutes ago. He wanted me to say… three words. I love you.” 

“God,” Greg breathed. “I mean… did he say why?” 

“An experiment? But I don’t think… I really don’t think it was that. He was afraid, Greg, and trying to hide it. He was very insistent that I say it.” 

Greg was silent for a moment, then asked, “Did you say it?” 

“I made him say it first. But yes. And then he hung up. Or… the line went dead, at least.” Molly sniffed, and rubbed at her runny nose, tears gathering again. But when Greg said nothing, she asked, in a watery chuckle, “Weird, right?” 

“Molls, I’m coming over,” Greg said, finally, his voice grim. “Just… well, hang tight. I’ll be there in fifteen.” 

He arrived in ten, siren howling as he pulled up in front of her building, and she had the door open before he’d even shut it off and exited the car. 

He did not smile as he strode up the walk, but his expression lightened as he reached her, and he put an arm around her and gave her a hug and a quick kiss on her forehead. “Just want a look around. Just in case.” 

She nodded, but did not otherwise reply, her chest tight as she fought down a sob of fear. 

He walked in and scanned the living room, then asked, “Where’d you take the call?” 

“Kitchen,” she managed to croak. Tears slid down her cheeks again, and she said, “Sorry!” in acknowledgment of his sympathetic grimace, and turned away to grab some more tissues. 

After she blew her nose and wiped her cheeks again, she stood up very straight, took a couple of deep, calming breaths, and followed him into the kitchen. 

He was setting something on the counter, something small and black, cylindrical, with a short wire attached. 

“What is that?” she asked, a touch of hysteria in her voice, for she already suspected. 

And he confirmed it. “A camera. There’s likely others.” He stopped his search and said to her, “Molly, I want you to go sit outside in the car. In fact, come on.” He took her by the wrist, though his grip slid down to her hand as he pulled her after him to the front door and out to his car. 

Once they were inside, he got on the radio and barked some orders. 

Her house was going to be swept not only for cameras, but for explosives. She covered her trembling lips with her hand again. 

Then, still sitting there, he fired off some texts. “Just on the off chance, Sending one to Mycroft’s PA, too. She probably knows where they went, at least.” 

“W-where’s Rosie?” Molly croaked, suddenly terrified for her goddaughter. 

“Ted and Stella’s, and hopefully out of harm’s way, but I’ll have someone check on ‘em. I’m going to have John’s place swept, too. Something bad’s going on, Molls.” 

He was starting the car when Molly remembered. “Greg! I’ve left my phone.” 

“Leave it,” he snapped. “And it’s likely you’ll have to get another one to replace it.” He looked over at her, and tried to give her a smile and a wink. “We’ll get through this, eh?” 

She nodded, but fear welled up inside her again, and she turned to stare blindly out the window as the car pulled away from the curb.

 *

 She had been sitting in Sally Donovan’s office at NSY headquarters for nearly four hours when Greg came rushing in, putting on his coat as he told them, “Gotta go, Sherlock’s finally sent a text and we’ve pinpointed his location.” 

Molly had jumped to her feet and now demanded querulously, “He’s alright?” 

“Dunno! All he said was Come now! Maybe didn’t have time for anything else. But there’s good news, Molly,  they’ve finished sweeping yours, found three more cameras but nothing else. You should be safe enough there, though we’ll have a watch on you, at least for a day or two. Sally, can you take her home? Gotta run -- Mycroft’s PA’s sent a helicopter for us.” 

Sally rolled her eyes a bit, but gave a crooked smile, too, as she turned to Molly. 

But Molly blurted, “Greg, can I come with you?” 

“No!” he exclaimed, shocked. But then said more gently, “No, Molls, you need to let us handle it. We don’t know what sort of situation we’re looking at. We’ll have him call you as soon-- oh, bloody hell. Your mobile. They’ve confiscated it -- suspect it’s been tampered with.” He turned to Sally. “Get her a mobile, I don’t care how. One of ours, or take her to a shop or something.” 

“Shouldn’t be too difficult, it’s only nine,” said Sally. “Be safe, Greg.” 

He gave her a grin, his eyes sparking with amusement.. “Right. With Sherlock involved, what could possibly go wrong?” 

And with that, he was out the door. 

Sally turned to Molly. “Shouldn’t be long now. Let’s see about that phone and get you home.” 

More waiting, Molly thought dismally, following her out. But at least he had been able to text. That was something.

 *

 The phone was acquired easily enough, and within the hour Molly was home and staring in dismay at the disarray caused by the sweep. She had texted both Greg and Sherlock, so now there was nothing to do but wait for events to unfold and resolve. Probably plenty of time to put her house back together. 

She spent more than two hours doing so, since it was one of those projects that tended to snowball into multiple unanticipated tasks, but finally, near midnight, she was sitting down on her sofa with a hot cup of tea and the remote control of her telly, clicking through the various channels for any sign of information. There was nothing -- which didn’t seem surprising, considering Mycroft was involved -- he’d keep things under wraps as long as he could. 

A few minutes after midnight, her new mobile’s text alert sounded, startling her. She snatched it up.

  They’re safe. - GL

  Too weird, though. - GL

  Sherlock will tell you. - GL

  John sends a hug. - GL

 She almost began to weep again, the relief was so palpable. She lay back against the cushions of the couch, just breathing and thinking, over and over, Thank God! 

And then she thought, ‘Sherlock will tell you’? He’s coming here? 

But no, Greg couldn’t have meant…. 

Could he? 

She hesitated for another few seconds, then leapt off the sofa and ran up the stairs. Grabbed a pretty but comfortable outfit (flowered leggings, a tunic-style jumper to match), hesitated, then grabbed the pretty new bra and pants set (astoundingly wishful thinking, but what could it hurt?), ran into the loo and gasped at her disheveled, tear-stained appearance, shut the door, and turned on the shower.

 *

 It was well after three in the morning when he arrived. 

She’d been asleep on the sofa for over an hour, having finally succumbed to exhaustion, when she was roused by a rap on her front door. She sat up, frowning, for it couldn’t be Sherlock. He never knocked, either broke in or used his key. 

But when she looked through the peephole (because three in the morning? Come on!) there he was, staring straight at her, complete with Belstaff and scarf. 

She threw the door open and stared up at him. 

He looked older, very tired. Not smiling. A hint of uncertainty in his eyes. “Hello, Molly.” 

She could hardly believe he was standing on her front porch, after everything that had happened. She took a step toward him, raising her hand. Just wanting to touch him and make sure he was real. 

And something changed in his expression, and he took his hands out of his coat pockets and hesitantly lifted his arms. 

She walked into his embrace. Laid her head against his shoulder, and closed her eyes with a sigh of pure relief when his arms closed tight about her, his own head bent against hers. 

There was the sound of a car pulling away from the curb. 

He cleared his throat. “I think John’s left me here. Is that.. alright?” 

She smiled, and pushed back a little in order to look at him. “Still your favorite bolthole?” She saw that her humor had been ill-timed (as was so often the case -- Not your area, Molly). She gave an uncertain smile and said, “Of course it’s alright. You have to explain, don’t you?” 

He sighed wearily, releasing her with some reluctance. “I’ve a mad sister, it seems, been locked up for years, but Mycroft let her meet with Moriarty at some point and she ended up manipulating not only him but her keepers and managed to compromise my safety and that of everyone I love, as well as numerous others, often fatally so. It’s over now, she’s safe, and… here we are.” 

She stared, open-mouthed. “But--” 

“I know. I know that raises more questions than it answers. I’ll tell you all of it… but not now. Please? I’m sorry--” 

“No, I’m sorry,” she said, with true contrition. “Do you need your own space? I can--” 

“Can’t I sleep with you? The way we used to?” And then an odd diffidence came into his face, and she could almost swear he was blushing, though it was very difficult to tell in the dim light. “Well, for now, at least.” 

She could not have misunderstood. Obviously had not, from his expression. She had a strong urge, to laugh and cry all at once, and to hide her emotion she took up his hand and pressed it to her lips, and then to her cheek, before clasping it warmly. “Yes, of course,” she said, simply. 

Then she led him inside, and closed the door.

 ~.~

[we-are-the-stand-ins-blog]

Intro

He never knew how things got started anymore.  There existed only moments, scattered throughout his many long days, in which he suddenly realized he was in some sort of situation.  So it was that as he drew aside the curtain, bathing the dingy apartment in a hellish crimson, he heard his counterpart’s sorrow pierce the bathroom walls and felt the world condense.

“It’s gone, it’s gone...”  The once-feminine voice, infected with grief and shame, now sounded more akin to the wails of a wounded animal than the sultry purr of a seductress.  On and on she went, as if losing herself in a mantra.  Only once did he look over his shoulder to the bathroom door.  The moment was already over and the world was pulling itself apart once again.

He looked up to the sky, dared to gaze on the unspoken thing that had turned reality against itself.  There it was, as hideous as it was indescribable. Most couldn’t bear the sight of it, and after ten years of looking down, it seemed the world had forgotten it was even there.  But he could never forget.  He had eyes that saw and ears that heard, and they compelled him to take that revulsion into himself.  That thing in the sky was a tumor feeding on the spirit of humanity, spreading its cancer deep into the soul, and it could not be left unchecked. But what could he do?

The woman’s cries could no longer be ignored.  He made his way slowly, stepping over empty bottles and fallen ashtrays that seemed to sprout from the floor like weeds.  The door creaked softly as he opened it, and she looked up at him through a mess of hair.

“It’s gone.”

Her legs were spread before her on the floor, and she pointed with a trembling finger to the stump where a foot used to be, a foot that had been taken from her years ago.  Neither of them could remember what exactly happened to it.  She had made do with a prosthetic, but now the metal contraption lay in the tub beside her, and she could see only what wasn’t there.

His watch buzzed. He didn’t have time for this.  “Get up,” he said firmly.  “We have to get to Midnight Room.  You were supposed to be dressed by now.” “But it’s--” He dropped to his knees beside her and took her by the hair, forcing her to meet his fiery gaze. “It’s gone, it’s gone, it’s fucking gone.  It’s been gone for years.  What, did it take this long for that to get through your fucking skull?”

A cold silence hung in the air between them.  In its wake he felt another one of those moments coming on.  Clarity brought uninvited regret, and he released her from his grip. “Just get dressed.  Please.”

She nodded and slowly rose with him.  The hysteria had faded from her face, replaced by the same blank expression he had come to expect from her.

He stood at the window again while she dressed, keeping watch over the crowded city streets.  Within the hour she’d be in Midnight Room, existing as one among many, a drop of water rising and falling with the energy blasting from the amplifiers.  He’d be there with her, on stage, crying out in vain for the masses to not just hear him, but to listen. They would dance themselves half to death, too high on their own apathy to feel their demise creeping closer.  Some probably wouldn’t make it out alive. Either way, at least he was getting paid.