#the hidden agenda was tee disguising this show as a cute uni show when it was really about queer asian kid trauma

[bnprm]

hidden agenda was made for the queer asian kids with emotionally distant parents: an essay

one of the reasons i watch asian bl is bc as an asian queer person, is rare to see stories like mine shown in media out here in the west. but shows like hidden agenda are the reason that i feel a little less alone in my experience.

in the last few episodes, we got to see zo’s need to make his mom proud. this need stemmed from her background in education but also with how disappointed she was when she found out he is gay. the scene in the car was such a, familiar experience for queer asian kids, who vow to never make their parent feel inadequate again. asian parents put so much pressure on their kids to “make them proud” but rarely ever say when they are.

but i really want to talk about joke. bc throughout this whole show, we hardly got to see joke’s story. he was always the solid rock that zo could count on to be there when he needed him. he gave zo advice when zo was questioning if his mom was proud of him. so for it to be revealed in the final episode, that he was struggling with the same need to “make his dad proud” was just.. so heartbreaking.

i took some screen caps to fully demonstrate how much i relate to the scene in part 3/4 where joke goes home to his family…

this. his dad hadn’t seen him in a while, and he had just mentioned the debate win. and he has to bring up how he is /finally/ not a disappointment. which has the undertone of “let’s see how long this lasts”. and this is something me and my brother have heard from our dad time and time again. even after all the things i’ve accomplished, it still feels.. temporary.

once again, his dad thinks he knows joke. but he clearly doesn’t. but to constantly be told that you’re “up to no good” is so.. tiring. it’s like being punished for smth that u didn’t even do.

and then the “L word”. love. asian parents have an especially difficult time saying they love their kids. maybe it’s a generational thing, maybe it’s bc they just don’t know how, but they usually show it in other ways. but the kid shouldn’t have to be okay with that. us kids just want to be told we are loved.

joke didn’t even give his dad a chance to think about what zo told him, because he’s used to being ignored. and this broke my heart. but i also saw myself. because i also know my dad is stubborn, and won’t change how he thinks.

but then, it’s when his own mom speaks up, he finally realizes what joke wants.

and then we have this admission. just like zo, all he wanted was to make his dad proud. (this is where i started crying like a little baby) asian kids live their whole lives for their parents. it’s how we are raised.

and then. his dad finally says the words that every asian kid wants to hear. (many of us go our whole lives never hearing them) — side note: joong’s performance here was crazy