#the fucking audacity to say that to someone who is very very clearly plus size as well like. READ THE ROOM....

[jwooyoung]

just had the worst encounter with this woman walking around my neighborhood I went outside to get my mail and she stopped me and handed me a paper and was like oh I'm collecting clothes for a men's homeless shelter blah blah and I look at the paper and it says S-L sizes and I was like "oh okay is it just these sizes? or can we donate anything bigger?" and this woman goes "homeless people aren't fat why would they need bigger sizes 😂" and I wish my brain worked faster so I could've said something more idk profound but instead I handed her the paper back and went "you're a horrible human being if that's what you really think" and walked back into my house

[seeminglyseph]

I’m like. Half still edible high . And watching “an appropriately unhinged recap of LOST (Season 1)” by Mike’s Mic, and definitely realizing my duelling sexual attraction to both Hurley and Sayid that I was not… equipped with the knowledge of myself to deal with at the time of watching LOST when I was a teenager and figuring out my sexuality.

Also I do want to say, if I say “I want to be like Sawyer” it is obviously not including the clearly reprehensible aspects of Sawyer from the beginning of his character arc. That is a very stupid conclusion to jump to, please don’t jump to that conclusion. I’m a fuck up and a loser and an idiot, but I aspire to be charming and likeable and eventually use my skills for good. And I like that Kate has survivalist skills, so while John gets most of the credit for being the guy who trained for a Walkabout, I do believe she is someone with wilderness experience even though I do not remember what her actual fucking backstory was. It is so obtuse.

But like also I have been rejected from a bunch of programs because my disability makes me a liability so I remember at one point not being able to process literally anything about John’s character beyond “don’t tell me what I can’t do” and like. I know there is so much more, but as a young cripple, grappling with “uh sorry you actually have like very limited options now and have to start looking to see if you’ll be allowed to do activities with the group even more than before” I was like… “character analysis’ override activated, indignity and audacity online”

Oh I just figured out why always being the only one too short to ride the rides was so upsetting even though no one else understood why I was crying. Childhood core memory unblocked.

I probably have other thoughts but I am not organized enough to have them. All I can think about is like. Wanting to be Hurley’s boyfriend. I think I modelled myself as a person after Hurley honestly. I can see myself in him and not just because I am plus size and probably say Dude more than is reasonable… but he did kinda show me a lot of things I want in a man and as such I have done my best to be those things. Since it like. Stands to reason if I would find it comforting, someone else might also be comforted? But I guess like Sawyer I am a fake.

God I’m more stoned maybe than I think. Good lord.

[hihellogoodbyebruh]

I Know What You’re Thinking, You’re On My Mind (You’re Right)

Pairing: Angel Reyes x Black!Plus Size!Reader

Summary: Y/N and Angel are in love and these are different moments in the span of their relationship.

Warning(s): Just a lot of fluffy goodness....okay some angst (it’s me lol) but mostly fluff

Word count: 2,526

AN: This is kind of a songfic, but also not really? I think of it as a bunch of drabbles loosely connected by random parts of a song. Song title and inspo from Come Close by Common ft. Mary J. Blige. The sweetest little fic I’ve ever written. Fat Black girls deserve to be loved loudly. This is for us. As always, questions, comments, and concerns are welcomed. Happy reading lovelies! xo

Smile, happiness, you could model it And when you feel opposite I just want you to know Your whole, being is beautiful I'ma do the best I can do Cause I'm my best when I'm with you

The sound of a domino being slammed on the table caused several other park goers to turn their heads and see a striking woman jumping out of her seat.

“That’s domino bitches! Y’all really thought you could beat me in dominoes? Shoulda checked my credentials mofos!” Y/N shouted, a huge smile on her face as she talked shit.

The guys around the table all groaned and huffed as she celebrated her win. Coco swore up and down that he would be the winner and Gilly was just as sure that he would be the one. EZ just wanted to play and Angel kept his mouth shut knowing his girl had been playing dominoes with her father and uncles practically all her life.

“Whatever, Y/N. You not seeing me in poker.” Coco grumbled, though he was fighting to keep a smile off his face. He was impressed.

“Well this aint poker is it? Run me my money.” She replied, rubbing her fingers together before holding out her hand.

The men all pulled out their wallets and placed the correct amount of money into Y/N’s hands. She grinned as she fanned herself with the money before draping her body across the smirking Angel’s lap.

“Oh hey there sexy. If you’re nice I might buy you something with this considerable fortune I just won.” Y/N winked.

“You my sugar mama now?” Angel teasingly asked.

“I do taste sweet so I think I fit the description.”

“Damn right you do.” He smirked, before leaning down to kiss Y/N’s lips.

Santo Padre’s mayor, Antonia Pena, had put together a community fair to help raise money for the town and uplift spirits. It was also a great way for local businesses to showcase what they have to offer. Services and items were put into a raffle that everyone who attended the event got entered into. Y/N even managed to convince Felipe to have a little booth to show off his fine cuts of meat and how they could best be used in meals.

Angel was so in awe of her. She managed to pull even his grumpy ass father out of the house and she was constantly a source of light in his life. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky, but he knew he never wanted to let her go. He loved her more than anything and he knew she felt the same about him. She never doubted him or made him feel inadequate. She understood even the ugly parts of him. Didn’t excuse or condone his behavior, but she understood it and always reassured him that she knew he could do better.

“Whatchu staring at?” She asked, after the kiss ended and he kept his intense gaze on her.

“My whole world.” He answered honestly and she felt herself get a little emotional.

“If you make me cry in public, I will hurt you.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” He replied, nipping at her shoulder and making her grin.

I know in the past, love Has been sort of hard on you But I see the God in you I just want to nurture it Though this love may hurt a bit

Neither of them had the best track record when it came to relationships. Angel had an awful habit of doing things without thinking about the consequences of his actions. Impulsive isn’t a strong enough word to describe how he is. He runs on emotion a lot of the time. It frustrates Y/N to no end. She doesn’t operate like that. She rarely if ever acts on impulse. She thinks too much. Worries too much about how people will react to her and her actions. Her hesitance to engage in things before she’s run every possible scenario through her head makes Angel want to pull his hair out. He hates seeing her unsure of herself. He makes it his mission to help her just get lost in the moment sometimes. And she tries her hardest to slow him down and make him think more on things before he acts.

His lifestyle also guaranteed their love won’t always be sunshine and roses. The first time Angel got hurt Y/N thought she was going to pass out. The level of panic and fear she felt almost took her down. When she finally got to see him in the hospital bed, she burst into tears. Once he was healed, she tried to pull away from him but he wouldn’t let her. The one time Y/N was verbally and physically accosted in front of Angel, he almost shot someone right in front of her. The need to protect her almost overrode his need to keep her away from the more violent side of himself.

The silence was deafening. Neither one was ready to take the first step and speak. The whole ride back home, Y/N never said a word. Not when Angel was getting chewed out by Bishop or when several people practically gawked at her even as they tried to make it seem like they weren’t. She was silent as she went through her nightly routine and prepared for bed.

It was as she sat on the edge of the bed, preparing to slide under the covers that Angel finally snapped.

“You’re really not gonna fucking say anything?” He practically growled at her, glaring at her from where he stood at the foot of the bed. He had on his usual sleepwear of a tank top and sweats.

She sighed, “What do you want me to say Angel?”

“Anything. Cuss me out, kiss me, or I don’t know, maybe thank me?” He suggested, sarcasm in his voice at the last part because he was clearly exasperated.

She cut her eyes at him fiercely. “Thank you? You want me to thank you?”

“Yes.” He stubbornly confirmed.

She shot up from the bed and spun to face him full on. She had never been so mad at him. “Thank you Angel for causing a bigger scene. Thank you Angel for almost igniting a war between two gangs over one stupid joke. Thank you for putting yourself in harm's way and almost giving me a heart attack. Thank you so much Angel.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. It wasn’t just a stupid joke. You think I care so little about you that I wouldn’t fuck someone up for you?”

“I’ve heard way worse..” She argued, so used to minimizing her pain. Her dismissal of the incident as something trivial made him even more pissed.

“I don’t give a damn what you heard. Aint nobody gonna disrespect you in front of me and think I’m just gonna let that shit slide.”

“You could have killed him.”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.” He exploded, making her freeze and stare at him with her mouth slightly open. “You’re mine. I don’t know what kinda cowards you been dealing with before, but I don’t play that shit. There is no joking when it comes to you. Not from some hijo de puta who has the audacity to put his hands on you. He’s lucky the only thing I did was bust him in the head with my pistol.”

“Angel…..” She sighed, her eyes closing as she took in his words. She understood his point but was still uncomfortable with the methods.

He walked over to her and cupped her face in his hands. He kissed her forehead before resting his head on hers. He spoke only after she opened her eyes, “You can be mad. I already know you are, but I’m not apologizing for protecting you.”

She had to get used to being loved and protected so adamantly by someone. So often left to comfort herself and bury her hurt, it took her a while to accept Angel’s form of protection. A part of her kept her guard up waiting for him to turn it against her, but that day never came. Any violent outbursts he had in her presence were never directed at her and so she found herself trusting him whole-heartedly. Her love for him deepened as time moved forward.

You helped me to discover me I just want you to put trust in me

Y/N loved Pops and she enjoyed the family dinners with him and EZ, but she knew he was not the perfect father. He made mistakes and Angel still hasn’t completely dealt with the issues the mistakes left him with. Everything just got buried. She knew when he was starting to feel inadequate or like he didn’t deserve her because he would become even more clingy. He was already very affectionate with her, always having a hand on her back and kissing her head. She loved how open he was, but when he was going through it the touches would have a desperate edge to them. Like he was trying to prove something.

A new episode of Joseline’s Cabaret played on the tv showing off the Puerto Rican Princess’ latest antics. Y/N had on sweats and a tank top as she laid on your back and giggled at the fight on her screen. She doesn't know why she watches that show, but it was entertaining.

Her front door opened and in walked the man she’d been seeing for a year now.

“What did I tell you about leaving this door unlocked?”

“I knew you were coming over so why would I lock it?” She argued, tilting her head back to watch Angel toe off his shoes and take off his kutte.

“You’re so hard headed.” He slapped the outside of her thigh and leaned in for a kiss before lying in between her legs. His head rested on her stomach and her hands immediately began running through his hair. His hands ran over her thighs as he buried his face in her belly and just breathed her in.

“You walked right in so obviously I was right.” Her hands moved from his hair to slide down his back, feeling for any new bruises. “How was your day? Do I gotta kick someone’s ass for messing with my man?” She asked, a teasing tone to her words even though she was kinda being serious.

“I’m all good, mi dulce.” He responded, already knowing her touches were to comfort him but also give herself some peace of mind that he was with her and he was still whole.

It was quiet for a moment before Angel propped his chin on her belly and looked at her. She brought her attention from the television to him. There was a gentle look in his eyes, full of love but also a vulnerability that made her heart clench.

“You love me right?” He gripped her hips tightly as he searched her eyes for the truth in her words.

Her eyes widened at his question. “Of cour-”

He interrupted her. “Because I love you so damn much, querida. I know I’m not easy, but I try to be better for you.”

“Angel…” Her hand gently caressed his cheek as she softly smiled at him. “You are my favorite person in this whole world. You love me like no other and I’ll always love you. Never forget that. And when you do, I’ll be here to remind you.” She leaned forward to kiss his lips and felt his grip on her hips loosen.

The two shared loving kisses for several minutes before he pulled away and kissed her stomach before laying his head back down. His attention finally focused on the television. “What the fuck are you watching?”

She was unable to contain her giggles.

I kind of laugh when you cuss at me The aftermath is you touching me

“Oh, is that funny? Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Not at all gorgeous.” His words and his facial expression did not match.

“Then why are you smirking? I’m as serious as a heart attack. If you miss the ceremony where I’m awarded for my work, we’re gonna have some big problems Reyes.” She threatened, not letting that smirk get to her as it usually did. The club pulled him away a lot but some things she just needed him present for.

“Mmhm…how big?” He asked, still joking around.

“Angel!” She admonished, striking out to punch him in the stomach and making him grunt.

“You know I love when you scream my name. Sexy as fuck.” He growled, before playfully tackling her to the bed. She finally laughed as he kissed and nipped at her neck. He pulled back to look down in her eyes. “Hey, come hell or high water Imma be there. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

The smile she flashed him was bright enough to light the darkest of nights.

I'm tired of the fast lane I want you to have my last name

Dabbing her eyes with a napkin, Y/N smiled as Angel and EZ shared a heartfelt hug after the best man speech. She knew EZ’s speech would be beautiful and she thanked him for his kind words.

“You’re my sister for real now.” He responded, making her wanna cry again but she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before Angel pulled her into a side hug.

“First dance time.” He whispered in her ear, taking her hand and leading her out to the dance floor.

“How does it feel to be Y/N Reyes?” Angel asked, his eyes taking her in. She looked so magnificent in her wedding dress. He wanted to rip it off, but also he couldn’t take his eyes off how good she looked in it. If he shed some tears when she walked down that aisle, who could blame him?

“It feels like the most natural thing in the world. I’m so beyond honored to be Mrs. Angel Reyes.” She responded, her eyes filling with happy tears but she refused to let them fall. She just felt so overwhelmed with happiness. Even though he’d long gotten rid of the jacket, she loved that he actually wore a suit. He hardly ever wore one and it was a damn shame. He looked so delicious she couldn’t wait for them to get back home.

Y/N found herself really taking the moment in. Their family and friends watched them with huge smiles on their faces. She couldn’t keep her eyes off Angel for long as he held her in his arms, his hands always making her feel safe. This was her life and he was her future.

Her eyes twinkled as she asked him, “Ready for forever?”

Come close to me, baby (Yeah, love) Let your love hold you (Let me hold you tonight, babe) I know this world is crazy (It gets crazy, but I'll be right here) What's it without you? (We gon' make it, I love you, I love you, I love you)

[do-y0u-have-to-let-it-linger]

hi!!! can i get an x-men shift please? i’m bi (but hetero leaning) and use she/her pronouns. i’m a sagittarius, INTP, and am super into pop culture, movies tv shows music stuff like that. i’m an introvert, pretty shy at first but once you get to know me i’m pretty funny and kinda an asshole. i’m 5’7”, plus size and curvy, with longish wavy brown hair, blue eyes, and wear black glasses. i dress pretty comfy, jeans and t-shirts, sweatshirts, but i also have a leather jacket when i want to look more put together. mostly wear vans and converse. i love taylor swift, star wars, and all the superhero movies out there. i honestly don’t know what my mutation would be, i’ve never found one that fits right i guess. can’t wait to see who i’m paired with! love your blog, and thank you :)

I ship you with Peter Maximoff!

Warning: ✨contains swear words, mentions of being high, and grammatical errors probably✨

Peter is the type of person who thinks of bold and outrageous plans, but is horrible at executing them.

This is especially apparent now that he is part of the X-Men, because of the high stakes that often come hand and hand with these plans.

Yet at this moment, standing in front of you, attempting to respond to your simple and reasonable question, he feels as though the stakes of this plan are higher than any other he has previously made.

You and Peter were very close, most of you X-Men were. Shared trauma bonded you all like a family. So you were very comfortable around each other, like the: "We literally laugh at each other's farts and say 'love ya!' When one of us leaves a room." comfortable, so it concerned you that he seemed so nervous. You repeated your, as previously stated, simple and reasonable question.

"Peter, what the fuck."

You were mid-way through Empire Strikes Back when he first appeared, standing in front of the TV. Generally, when someone is watching a movie alone with the volume level barely audible, at 2 AM in the morning, they do not expect to be interrupted, but there he was. Interrupting you.

So you had asked him if he wanted to watch the movie with you and he said no.

Then you asked him if something was wrong and he said no.

But after he had stood in front of the television long enough for you to have paused the movie, you had come to the conclusion that he was messing with you. Hence the two "what the fuck"s.

He finally responded, seemly returning to his body after his brain's small vacation to who knows where.

"I need to talk to you about something important, and I wanted it to go a certain way but that way never actually happens so I'm doing it another way." Well, that was even more incoherent than his usual sentences.

"Wait- are you high again?"

"No! No. Well, maybe a little- but that's not the point."

"Sure, now what's going on."

"We're like... technically co-workers because of us being X-Men and shit, right?"

"If Bat-Man and Robin are co-workers, then yes."

"Don't be self-deprecating, you're way cooler than a silly side-kick."

You raised your eyebrows at him, "I wasn't Robin in that analogy, but thank you."

"Wait, I'm Robin?"

"You are a grown man who just used the world silly un-ironically, and I feel like that's something Robin would do. Just to clarify I don't know shit about Bat-man."

"Hey I'm barely a grown man- I'm not 25 yet, that would entail being a grown man, and I've got time 'till then! Anyway, stop going off-topic."

"Then move on from being weirdly defensive about being an adult in the eyes of the state."

"Touché. So, we're co-workers."

"Correct. What's the point."

"That's a problem."

"Why?"

"Well, ok this needs to be prefaced so consider this me shushing you in a respectful and not sexist way. You have been shushed."

"...Ok?"

"Shh! Now I get to ramble. So you know movies?" He gestured towards the school's collection of movies that sat next to the tv, and you nodded confused. "So in these movies, things happen certain ways, but those certain ways seem just as scary as the opposite of those ways." Yeah, he was totally high. "So, wow I'm starting so many sentences with the word 'so'. Anyway- I want to tell you something but I don't want it to be like a movie but I don't want it to be like not in a movie either. So I just want to say it then leave. Like- I'm going to run after I say it. Is that okay? You are temporarily un-shushed."

"If you're dying it's not, but if it's basically anything else then yeah. Go for it, you speedy coward."

"Cool. I mean- the nickname hurt but cool. Cool." He looked at you for a second. "Can you like... turn around?"

"Turn around?"

He now acknowledged that that was an odd thing to ask. "...Yeah. Is that dumb?"

"No, no, I'll turn around." To lighten the awkward mood, you made a joke. "A reasonable price for your terrible secrets to be revealed to me." It was not a very funny joke, but you tried your best and earned a (pity) scoff from him.

You were now both sitting criscrossed on the couch, facing the same direction. You were staring at a wall you found very uninteresting, and he was staring at the back of the head belonging to a person he found very interesting.

"So- basically I think you're... pretty..." He said the word intending to add another adjective after it, like 'cool', but he decided against it because that would be stupid. "And I have this problem where when I figure out I want to, quote-unquote, date someone, which is a gross word, by the way, I'm always friends with them. That means it has to be this dramatic thing. But I don't want it to be! You know? I just want to tell you that I have a stupid crush on you like a normal person. And- that's why I suddenly started hating training, because who likes to see people they want to smooch almost fake die, huh? No one! That's who! And I want to explain why I like you, but whenever I talk to Wanda about you, I always end up describing you the way a first grader describes their crush! Like: she's pwetty and smawt or whatever but that's fuckin' dumb. I guess that makes sense because I don't have crushes on people ever, and I barely dated in school, so I have no idea how to do this and I just want to pass you one of those 'hey, do you like me?!' notes with the fuckin' checkmarks!! And I am an adult person who is kind of afraid of kissing! What?!? Also, I don't have abs like Scott! Or boobs, and I know you like people with or without boobs and boobs are great! Also, to backtrack, don't think that I think you would go for Scott, even though if you were to, I would be supportive of you, but also sad because I would prefer if you went for me! So I want to be normal. Normal like the people in movies who meet someone cute and ask them out and not like the movies with the big stupid confessions. Trust me, if I had noticed that I whatever you like a year ago, I would have asked you out! Well no I wouldn't of because I would be too afraid to talk to you. But anyway I made you this," He reached around you and handed you a folded-up note. "Don't open it until I run away, but just leave it here with your response. If you check no, I bet if we paid Jean enough money she would erase this interaction from our brains. I only have seven dollars but I'm betting on a 'friends and family' discount. But.. if you say yes, I can ask you out like a dick in a movie, knowing you'll say yes because I am a speedy coward. I want you to call me a speedy coward when I do cowardly shit speedily, then do this cute thing where you'd be like 'but you're my speedy coward''. Anyway, I'm going to leave now. Love ya, but in the way we always said it beforehand, not in a dramatic confession way. Sorry I delved into my childhood there. Bye." You felt him awkwardly pat your back.

There was a gust of wind that ruffled your hair, and you knew he had run away.

You lifted the note up, mind empty, still processing everything he had rambled to you, and started carefully unfolding it.

It was one of his previously mentioned "Do you like me?" notes.

You willed yourself not to straight-up giggle like a 12-year-old at his note. It was messily written, and clearly on the back of a mission briefing.

Shit, you didn't have a pen. You looked under the couch cushions but there was no form of a writing utensil in sight! The audacity.

You knew Peter well enough to know that he was probably not too far away, waiting for the result of his question and trying not to spy.

"Hey... uh... Peter? I don't have a pen."

Peter hit his forehead with his hand, where the fuck was he going to get a pen? It's not like he owned pens that were actually in a designated spot! How ridiculous would that be, who did he look like, Charles? Charles! Charles has pens in designated pen places!

So Peter ran into the headmaster's office and found a pen. He wrote a small note stating that he borrowed a pen and that he would return it. Looking at the note Peter found it did not fully encapsulate the desperate need for the pen. The note ended up something like this:

Hey Charles! It's Peter! I took borrowed a pen because a very serious situation manner situation has arised. arisen. From, Peter. You can't get mad at me because if you could legally marry my dad you would be married and I would basically be your step son! Thanks half dad!

He thought the addition of the 'step' in stepson effectively hid the fact that Charles was a father figure of his. What was he doing here again? The serious manner!

In an instant of you telling Peter that you did not have a pen, one appeared.

"Thank you!"

You checked the yes box, but had a want to write something adorable. You couldn't think of anything so you just wrote "This was weird." under your checkmark. Well played.

You entertained the idea of resuming your movie but decided against it, you thought it would be more dramatic if you left the room.

The minute you made your exit Peter sprinted into the room. He opened your note, jumped, pumped his fist in the air, realized that was nerdy, and tried to make a cool pose to recover.

Now he just had to figure out how the fuck he was going to ask you out.

[tuffduff]

I Think About You (Axl Rose x Reader)

Pairing: Axl x plus sized/tall Reader

Words: 1847

Request: @soggy-enchilada​ “So I was wondering if you could do one for a tall plus size reader? Reader is a roadie for gunners and has a huge crush on axl but doesn’t tell him coz she feels that she’s too tall and too fat for him, but little does she know he’s super into her. And one night they have an after-gig party and everyone ends up getting a little (a lot) drunk and somehow reader and axl confess their feelings for each other. Reader tells him that she never said anything because she was insecure about being tall and plus size and he just tells her he loves her”

A/N: this is a tiny bit longer (oops) but i really loved writing it! Thank you for requesting this love, I hope y’all like it! 💕

“Nice shirt, darling.” You almost dropped the box of merchandise you were carrying because you knew exactly who’s voice that was.

“Thanks,” you replied softly, glancing down at your Nazareth t-shirt. Axl was smirking at you, accompanied with Duff and Slash as they got ready for their performance that evening.

“Do you need help with that?” Duff offered. Before you could reply, Axl pressed a hand to Duff’s chest.

“She’s a strong woman, Duff—she does this all the time. Haven’t you seen her?” Duff looked dumbfounded.

“No.”

That was probably what most people thought of you, or rather didn’t—you were one of the people that made the magic happen behind the scenes. You had worked your way up working for road crews in the music scene up until this point, where you were a production coordinator. Really though, you helped wherever you were needed. It was a taxing job that often kept you awake and on your feet from the early morning hours until well after midnight, but there wasn’t anything else you would rather be doing.

Axl was the first member in Guns N’ Roses to take the time to know your name. You figured it was just out of politeness when he had first asked, but he remembered it each time he saw you after. He’d always ask you how you were doing, what you were listening to nowadays, making sure you ate something. The conversation would slip deeper, with him asking your opinion on how he sang certain lines, or what you thought of current world affairs, what your favorite childhood memory was. It was your favorite moments in your long days.

“Yeah, get the fuck outta here. She doesn’t want your help.” Slash added in good-naturedly, giving Duff a light shove.

“Hey, are you going to the after-party tonight?” Axl asked you. You paused, balancing the box on your hip.

“Um...I don’t know. Maybe.”

“I better see you there,” for a second you grew hopeful. “You work too hard.” He headed down the hall of the coliseum in the opposite direction after that without looking back, making you sigh a little to yourself. It’s not like you wanted to get your hopes up every time he so much as looked your way, you just couldn’t help it with him.

So many nights you spent your rare breaks of free time just watching Axl perform. He was lightning in a bottle, captivating, strong, and admired, so very admired. Girls in the crowd would lose their minds over them, and you had to watch night after night as those girls made their way backstage. Some of the most beautiful girls you had ever seen. Sometimes, models and actresses would show up at the shows in hopes of bedding a rock and roll bad boy. You always just watched from a far; it’s not like Axl would ever notice you in a sea of extraordinary women.

Slash approached your side and you immediately tried to ignore him, huffing when he nudged you.

“You better come tonight!”

“I’ve got a long night ahead of me with a million more important things to do than get drunk off my ass.” You lied. Slash’s easygoing demeanor remained intact.

“But he wants you to come, you heard him!” You rolled your eyes and shushed him, making him laugh. He was probably your best friend out of the Guns and the only person that knew your fondness towards his lead singer.

“No, he doesn’t. He just thinks I’m some boring stiff that works too hard.” Slash shoved your shoulder now, almost making you drop the box.

“Don’t be such a downer. C’mon, he doesn’t think that.”

“Okay, Slash. You know him; what makes you think he’s interested in me at all?” He stood for a moment in silence. “Exactly what I thought.

“Hey! That’s just because I don’t really know what Axl thinks of anything—he’s fucking weird. Not because he wouldn’t be interested. I think he’s got his eye on someone though; every time some girl tries to approach him lately, he just brushes them off. And besides, that’s like the 3rd time he’s complimented you in the last two days.” You rolled your eyes again, chuckling in exasperation.

“Slash, trust me. It’s not me he’s thinking of. And what, are you keeping count?”

“Axl doesn’t just hand out compliments, Y/N. Yesterday it was your hair. Plus, so what if he’s not interested—we finally have a couple days off. You don’t have anything to do. Just let loose and have some fun tonight, alright?” You pondered his words for a moment. He had a point, and you didn’t exactly have a reason not to go.

So, you went. And immediately, you wanted to leave. There were so many people crammed into such a small hotel room. All the girls were positioned around various members of the band, so much so that you couldn’t even see the boy’s faces. You immediately grew self-conscious—these girls were dressed to kill in tiny skirts and halter tops and leather, petite and slender and dainty little things you could hold in your hand. It just made you feel out of place. You turned on your heel, hoping to just slip out unnoticed, until someone grabbed your arm.

“Look who made it!” You groaned at Slash’s drunk voice. “Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” You replied back, trying to get your arm out of his grip.

“But why, Axl was just asking about you.” You froze.

“Axl? Was asking about me?” Slash grinned at you, handing you a bottle of beer.

“Yep, he sure did.” Your stomach did a flip and you downed almost the entire beer in one gulp. God, why did you show up?

You stayed begrudgingly, glued to Slash’s side and guzzling more beer in the hope of finding courage and not finding Axl, at least not yet. The comfort of being Slash’s shadow didn’t last for long—he was soon pulled to the couch by three girls.

You looked around the room, overwhelmed but the amount of people and decided the empty balcony was a much better place to hide and try to get a handle on your emotions.

The fresh air was well needed, enough to calm your head and frayed nerves. You leaned against the railing and looked out below at the sparkling lights, trying to get Axl out of your head. Clearly, Slash had just been trying to make you feel better on account of you hadn’t even seen Axl all night—

“I like it much better out here, don’t you?” You yelped and jumped at the same time, accidentally dropping your half-empty beer to the streets below. Axl was sitting in one of the patio chairs hidden in the completely darkened corner of the balcony. He let out a laugh as you looked back and forth from the streets below, to him, dismayed.

“Axl? What the fuck! Have you been out here this entire time?” He finally stopped laughing and stood, joining your side by the railing.

“Beats all those coattail riders in there. It’s nicer out here.” He was standing so close to you that your arms were touching. You swallowed a little, deciding not to move away. He didn’t even seem to notice your proximity, instead, he merely leaned forward a little, looking down at the street below with an amused half-grin. “I hope your beer didn’t kill anyone...” You chuckled weakly, feeling your heart pound in the silence that followed. “I’m surprised you showed up.” He finally said. When you glanced over at him, he was looking down.

“Why, do you think I’m too boring for parties?” You blurted out. The sober, rational part of you cringed, but it was too far buried at the moment to dwell on it.

“No, I think you’re too good for these parties.” You frowned. “I mean, you’re a smart, responsible woman. I’m sure you’ve got far more important things to be doing with your time that watching a bunch of lousy rock stars party with a room full of people who don’t really care about them.” There was a bitter edge to his tone. You continued to frown.

“If I did, I wouldn’t be here.” You replied back curtly. Now, he frowned. You sighed; the conversation was getting muddled and it was clear you weren’t on the same page. “I don’t really get invited to parties, Axl. I’m not really the girl that guys break their necks over.”

“What makes you say that?” You let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“Well...look at me.”

“I have been. Every chance I get.” You stopped, confused at the way he was beginning to smirk.

“Stop that.” You told him.

“Stop what?” You rolled your eyes.

“Guys don’t like me.” You continued where you had left off.

“And what makes you think that?” He asked, his smirk from before only widening.

“Think? Axl, I know. Ever since I was younger, I was either too tall or too fat in every guy’s eyes.” You snapped. His smirk didn’t fade. “Will you wipe that look off your face?”

“That’s just funny to me.” He mused. You raised your eyebrows at his audacity. “All those men are assholes, first off. Secondly, I invited you here, didn’t I? And third…I can’t imagine being that fucking stupid because you’re the sexiest girl I’ve ever seen.” Your mouth literally fell open and you waited for him to start laughing, but he didn’t. In fact, he just moved closer.

“...What?” You managed to get out.

He smiled fully now, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. “You’re also the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, the way you take care of everyone else before yourself. You’re cute when you get embarrassed—which happens all the time—just like right now. You’re funny, you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever talked to, you listen to me when I have something to say. And I’m pretty sure I fall for you a little more every day.”

“But...I’m sorry, what did you say?” You replied breathlessly.

You felt butterflies set loose in your tummy when Axl leaned in closer to you. His lips brushed against yours as he whispered to you, “I want you, Y/N. I’ve wanted you for a long time.” He drew back a tiny bit, watching to see what you were going to do. Despite the tiny voice in your head trying to hold you back out of fear, you told it to shut the hell up for once and kissed him back. You felt his lips smirk against yours and a tingly little trill go up your spine when he let out a low groan into your kiss.

“I think I’m falling for you too, Axl.” You pulled back to say. He grinned and stepped back a little, his eyes traveling down your body.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” he suggested, taking your hand in his. “Seeing you in that outfit tonight only has me wanting to rip it off.”

[maybeshelives]

gay things up

We should acklowledge more often the importance of queer represantation in mainstream media. (For the right reasons)

Sure, I can binge watch all six seasons of the L Word - and, trust me, I have - but I still have this undying thirst to gay things up a little. I feel unbalanced occasionally, as if there are still parts of my sexuality I haven’t really addressed, understood and embraced, which consequently urges me to focus more on my gay side rather than my sexuality as a whole: my preferrences in the type of people I sleep with, the type of sexual relationships I form, the things I (dis)like in bed, you know, the list is endless. It makes me think that all these years of repressing my sexuality have made me keep it in a box and just narrow it down to the gender I’d rather have sexual encounters with, which is a rabbit hole itself, all things (gender norms and stereotypes, personal beliefs etc) considered, and just get elated even by the implication that two men or women on TV are queer; neither examining if I like them as people, nor caring about their chemstry or the quality of their relationship, no. 

Just keep my standards to the lowest point possible and MAKE IT GAY AS FUUUUUCK.

Being queer in a world of heteronormativity is sometimes a double-edged knife; even your best LGBTQ+ allies are ignorant of your reality. 

Yeah well, my straight friends support me on my same sex relationships. But they also don’t really get them most of the time. “What are you talking about?” you will asked surprised, “romantic relationships don’t differ based on the gender of the people involved. It’s the personalitites that matter”. 

Well, yes. But also no. 

My straight friends can’t really understand the consequenses of being closeted for years, the fear of stigma, the fact that even in 2019 there are still people wishing all of us “degenerates” a slow and painful death (just watch Ellen Page’s amazing show called “Gaycation”; during the Brazil episode, the two hosts interview a serial killer who specifically targets gay people, because he believes that they’re worse than animals and the world should be cleansed by their filthy presense).

There are several bagages following us around, issues that straight people (thankfully) never had to face, like the fear of flirting with the wrong person (especially while being closeted), the fact that our sexual orientation is often times not being taken seriously, the fact that for ages there was a very small amount of LGBTQ+ representation in media, and sometimes it was played out for laughs, or even blatantly killed off (lately, there’s also the issue of “queercoding”or “queerbating”, which is rather complex itself), the fear of violence used against us on the street just for holding hands with someone; being marginalized at any level, a minority, ANY KIND of minority, sucks. Because the majority doesn’t even see you, at times.

But we exist. This should be written in enormous neon letters, and not in 8-sized Arial Narrow ones, as it very often is right now. 

No, J. K. Rowlling, I don’t want to have to wear rainbow-coloured strap-ons covered in glitter (wink wink, Sense8) and do my YMCA dance in order to have the revelation that Albus Dumbledore is fucking gay back in 2007. It’s not on print, it’s only a few words said during a sold-out book reading. You had your moment of gay-friendly glory and inclusiveness, but that’s it. During an entire franchise with dosens of presumably heterosexual characters, the single outed person (and one of the most important for plot progression purposes, too) doesn’t even get to have their own moment of gayness. Not even in the prequel, apparently (if you’re new to this, please watch the videos on queercoding I’ve linked above and you’ll be right on track). And you have the audacity to keep on doing it.

No, I don’t want to fucking speculate if Captain Marvel is queer either. No, I don’t want to wonder if Thor: Ragnarok’s Valkyrie is indeed bisexual. (Fun fact: It is being speculated that the two aforementioned characters will hit it off in the new Avengers: Endgame movie). Or the two Teen Wolf guys. Or Dean and Michael from Supernatural. Or several characters from Riverdale. Ugh, it’s exhausting. 

And even though it might come off as just another lesbian who’s trying to make it all about her sexuality, shoving it in straight people’s faces, I have to say that heterosexual people are pretty ignorant regarding even their own sexuality from time to time. And that’s problematic for everyone. 

Please, let me explain.

Not fully exploring and “owning” one’s sexuality primarily means that they’re missing out experiences they could, in fact, enjoy A LOT. From having sexual partners of all genders to being the proud owner of the best buttplug collection in an entire city, a good sexual experience that never takes place is a missed opportunity. I personally wouldn’t like to miss out on that, like the dirty, dirty hedonist I am. 

This missing-outness, self-deception and ignorance can go on for years, decades even. Just simply ask popular YouTubers or my (formerly gold star lesbian) ex-girlfriend (yes, the opposite is also possible). 

But, such a personal issue becomes public when queerness and gender & sexuality spectrums are not even seen as something that can be part of anyone’s psyche, especially in the majority of the population. Hence the marginalizing. LGBTQ+ substance, accodring to many people, is something out of this world. 

That’s what makes queercoding so annoying. Because it sends off the message that LGBTQ+ characters, romances and storylines are not important enough to be portrayed as openly and clearly as their heteronormative counterparts; they’re pictured as something that will never fully grow and be explored, since it isn’t as significant. 

So,why does mainstream representation matter?

In a world soaked in and based onto heteronormativity and whiteness, being LGBTQ+ inclusive has been mislabeled as “pushing an agenda”, where even childhood is being used as a deterrent, a queerness-repellant, which can also breed internalized homophobia.

“Don’t publicly show pictures of faggots kissing, children might see them”. “Dykes shouldn’t be allowed to adopt children, because they [the children] won’t have the right role-models, I mean, who will be the mom and who will be the dad? Plus they will also be bullied by other children”.

I was watching an Ellen Page interview on Stephen Colbert that took place almost two months ago, and I couldn’t help but notice how emotional she still gets every time she talks about LGBTQ+ problems (she has been very vocal about them since she came out as gay in 2014). “This needs to fucking stop” she says. 

And, goodness, it does. When the, among others, argument that equality for everyone shouldn’t be debatable still is seen as “cringey activism” by some, it becomes more than apparent why representation of any minority in the mainstream media matters.

Pop culture is like a huge educator. We tend to internalize images shown to us from an early age, we learn to normalize toxic behaviors and worldviews in the exact same way, and even if we can’t really control anyone’s parenting (and homophobia and lack of understanding and acceptance, unless it becomes abusive for the minor, and this abuse is apparent to other adults), there’s still hope that pop culture can bring the bigger picture, all the vieriety of human identity and experience, into our homes. 

As I’m thinking about it, I realize that I had never seen a (happy) lesbian couple on television or movies until I was about fourteen or sixteen. Ever. Like, ever. Needless to say, I have my fair share of images depicting straight couples in multiple situations.

So, if you’re not a queer person, a trans person or a person of colour or someone with special needs or mentally ill, and you’re also not convinced by my long-ass rant, consider this: What if you had never ever seen someone like you in a film before until you were fifteen? Or what if you had only seen stereotypical images and expectations of people like you, as a side story to someone else’s bigger and more “important” story? A side story as seen and perceived by the heteronormative gaze?

Or maybe as a joke? A joke that wasn’t made by people like you, people who truly understand what it’s like being you and the actually funny aspects of your own identity and struggles.

Wouldn’t you grow up thinking that you’re a little bit of a monster?

"Like when someone says he wants to watch the world burn. You only get to watch when you have the privilege of not being on fire. It's edgy, but it's not The Darkness. The Darkness is finding a way to laugh about being on fire".  - Natalie Wynn

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PS: I know that I’ve used too many embeded referrences, but if you’re interested in this topic, please take your time to examine them. They have broadened my horizons a lot, and gave me comfort and the validation that I’m not insane for feeling and seeing life that way.