#the first queer bar i went to at the age of 18/19 played this at least 3x a night

[lale-txt]

saw a video of a choir singing Dancing on My Own by Robyn and wept a little

[manicr]

Coming out, Pride month

I thought I'd talk about coming since it's still the last days of pride month, and how different that can be for some kids, using myself as an example.

For some kids there's no dramatic Moment™ but a life lived and sometimes unknown, with pockets of 'outness' and places where the closet exists but only as a polite fiction.

To make some sense of this, I need to go way back for myself. I was always a queer kid; in all senses of the word. Undiagnosed autism was a factor but so were others.

W were many kids in my family, I grew up with 4 of my 5 siblings, a mix of boys and girls and I was the second youngest. In effect, my older brothers helped raise me and my sisters, and my parents had little time for me. They kicked us out to play to get some peace and quiet during the days, and I frankly became somewhat of a feral child, spending time in the woods and playing by myself a lot. Now, this might sound weird when you have 5 siblings, but we were a motley bunch, fought a lot, and played too, and I was autistic af. Being without them was easier and I could do what I wanted, which was usually play with dinosaurs, explore the woods and draw a lot.

I had few friends, who I was intermittently clingy and distant towards. Typical ASD. And I can in hindsight say that by the age of 10-11 that I was queer: Xena Warrior Princess was an awakening -- in my case, it was the villainess Callisto, but Gabrielle and Xena were obviously in love with each other even before it was canon. But it wasn't an 'aha' moment to me. No great fanfares that I wasn't straight or panic about it. I hadn't understood homophobia, and I didn't much care about kissing any 'real' people, even though I was a big shipper of Hercules/Ares and Xena/Gabrielle. I understood slowly that my parents didn't approve of homosexuality or gnc stuff. So I just chalked it up to them being them and hid all that. Though I could never do feminity right. I was often mistaken for a boy as a pre-teen

When I was 12 I had my first kiss -- with a girl. It was on a dare and I didn't think anything of it. I was THAT friend then, with the few friends I had, the overly perverted verbally and clingy physically. Kissing a girl was nothing, but it was also natural. I played at liking boys at this age. Tried to like those snotty prepubescent boys in my school and tried to perform the obligatory boy band fawning. It was Backstreet Boys for me. But I felt nothing, I enjoyed shipping boys more than I did them. Nor did I want a girlfriend really. But my sister pointed out that I was too 'dykey' with my friends. Repeatedly.

When I was 13 I got depressed. It lasted all of 'high school' (sweden: högstadiet 13-15). It was bad. I was self-loathing, suicidal, and hated how I looked and felt. I explored my gender, my sexuality, and tried to find why I felt so wrong. I escaped into fandom. I lost friendships slowly, but I started to realize that they weren't all that good either. I started to realize that I probably wasn't straight, but still cis, and that I wanted to live differently than I did.

In gymnasium (swe: 16-18) I swore that I'd be happier. I came out as bisexual to my friends and school in my first year. I only chose to call myself bi because I liked looking at adult men, but fuck if I didn't like girls my age too. I was outrageously outspoken, without any borders. I dressed like in long leather coats, embroidered shirts, and cargo pants, pseudo-masc flamboyance, or full corsetted loli goth style - feminity taken to the max until it became unattractive or drag.

I let my friendships be intense, physically and emotionally, but never crossed the borders my straight friends set. Though they probably should have set them a little harder so I'd notice. I was no stranger to making out with my friends, and I had fits of jealously even -- leading me to 'share' boys with them when we made out. But despite this, I was never their girlfriend. Just an overly clingy and perverted friend -- but I was still happy. I felt loved. I kissed with one of my friends who's come out as a lesbian. It was her first kiss. No strings attached, as she said, and there weren't. I went to Pride every year after I turned 16. But I never said a word about myself to my family.

The closet was there, if barely. A polite fiction. The unspoken.

My family had all the chances to know: a gnc daughter who was too 'dykey' with her friends who went to Pride every year and was outspoken in support of queer rights. Who never brought home a boyfriend or said a word about dating. My sister sneered at me and called me a homo and a freak. But we never spoke about it. My parents stopped talking about boyfriends with me.

I left home when I was 19, to study in another city. I did, and I partied too, kissing boys and girls, loving dancing and touching, but I didn't date. I tried, a little but no one interested me more than to touch. I was out at uni. I was out online - I joked that I liked fictional men and real women. At work too. But I never spoke to my family about it, until my little sister had a gay panic moment since her bff was in love with her. I outed myself as she cried and talked her down. She's the only blood family member who I've literally told it to this day. My middle brother asked me if I like girls, I said both, and he gave me ecchi manga. Brothers.

When I was 21 I met the love of my life. The first and only man I pursued seriously. And I really had to pursue him since he thought I was a lesbian bc I was so damn queer and liked looking at women's breasts. After some comedy of errors, we got together. He always knew that I was queer and accepted it, enjoyed it even, since we could ogle at women together and he was fine with me looking/commenting on pretty men too. He had queer friends (pretty much half ), had tried it out, and decided he liked women, and he was also on the spectra of autism. I feel a kinship with him, love, and friendship. His family was queer (gay granpa and lesbian step-sister) and I was pretty much introduced as bi together with my name to them, as a matter of fact.

I married him. We've been together for 12 years. I was the first of my sisters to get wed, much to their surprise.

I'm out to the world; except for my older gen of family. But there were no dramatic moments of outing. No TV moment and teary confessions. Even as a child, to my friends, it was a bi by the way and they pretty much guessed it. My siblings, barring my older sister and oldest brother, got it in casual circumstances or guessed it. I think the rest know, but the closet is there as polite fiction so that they don't have to face it.

I don't feel like I'm in the closet. I've never really felt like it. I know my parents' and my older siblings' homophobia, and I know I'm a freak in their eyes, despite being married to a man. I don't care. They don't deserve to have a heart-to-heart with me about my identity, they don't deserve to participate in my joy, and I don't meet them more than a couple times a year.

I'm happy and bi. I love my husband, I love my friends, I love my new family; it's all queer. Coming out was never something that mattered to me. I lived my life and people with eyes saw it as it was. Those who refused had to look at me being queer af regardless. Naturally, I was drawn to queer ppl bc of this and they to me. There's only so much gnc queer shit straight ppl who aren't super queer-friendly can take. Sometimes all you have to do is live your life.

[amymillcr]

QUESTIONNAIRE with AMELIA CAROLINA MILLER

# OF Qs ANSWERED: 150

1. if they were a candle, what scent would they be?

“ i never really thought about it, so i’m going with a lemon scented one. because i may or may not have an obsession with lemons. “

2. what female celebrity do they wish was their sister?

“ ooooh, emily blunt without a doubt in mind !! she’s so great and funny and beautiful, i would love to be her sister.”

3. what male celebrity do they wish was their brother?

“ is it bad if i say pete davidson so i can be ariana’s sister-in-law ?? it is ?? okay... i will choose john mulaney.  “

4. how old do they think they’ll be when they get married?

“ with the current state of my love life ?? never. but i think 30 would be a good age to get married. “

5. how many countries have they been to?

“ never been out of the states, unfortunately enough. “

6. what would they name their daughter if they had one?

“ helena. i like the sound of it and the meaning of the name, so yeah. i would choose helena. “

7.  what would they name their son if they had one?

“ hmmm, i never thought about a boy name ?? but, i like the name anthony. so that will be my answer for now. “

8. what was their favorite tv show as a child?

“ totally spies !! three girls being badass and saving the world ?? count me the fuck in !! “

9.  what language, besides their native language, would they like to be fluent in?

“ italian. i downloaded duolingo once to learn a bit, but that shit doesn’t work for me at all. mainly because i would get a notification and just shrug it off. “

10.  would they ever change their name? if so, to what?

“ as common as my name is, i don’t think so. because one: i never thought of any other name i would like to be called. and two: i think my name fits me. “

11. what was the last compliment they got?

“ a seven-year-old camper told me my hair is pretty. “

12. what is their favorite flavor of tea?

“ green tea. but i only drink it mixed with black tea in the morning to get energized. “

13. how did they find out that santa and the easter bunny weren’t real?

“ i found out santa wasn’t real because my dad was horrible at hiding his santa costume. and easter bunny was because i woke up early one day and i saw my mom making little bunny footprints on the floor. “

14. what is their hogwarts house?

“ i always thought i was a gryffindor, but when i took the pottermore test years ago... i got slytherin. i guess i’m a cunning folk just like merlin. “

15. what tarot card are they?

“ i got the sun card !! “

16. are they more of a marvel or dc fan?

“ i enjoy both, but i lean more towards marvel. i like the comedy route they take on the movies. and the series are better, that’s all. “

17. who is their favorite superhero?

“ jessica jones aka jewel. i relate to her in ‘ being a messy adult ’ department. “

18. everyone has a song that deeply reminds them of their childhood. what is theirs?

“ crazy by aerosmith. it used to be one of my dad’s favorite songs. maybe it still is, who knows ?? but yeah... he used to sing that to my mom and dance around the kitchen with her. it was... nice. “

19. what are the meanings of their first, middle, and last name?

“ amelia means defender and striving, carolina means song of happiness. and after a quick research, miller means one who grinds grain. “

20. have they ever stolen a street sign before?

“ no, but that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. it would be a good decor for my bedroom, hm. “

21. what is their biggest pet peeve?

“ people chewing with their mouth open and slow walkers. i can’t choose between these two, both drive me crazy. “

22. if they were a month, what month would they be?

“ is it weird if i say march because it is always a good month for me ?? like, every year march is so great for some weird reason. anyway, march. that’s my choice. “

23. what is their least favourite movie?

“ oh, twilight without a doubt. i never understood the hype about it and because of it, fifty shades was created. “

24. what five movies would they bring with them if they were stuck on a deserted island?

“ ferris bueller’s day off, can’t hardly wait, drive me crazy, enchated and ocean’s 8 so i can finally watch it. “

25. out of all of the late night talk show hosts, who is their favorite?

“ james corden !! i love his skits and overall games. and let’s not forget carpool karaoke is one of the best things to watch when you are bored. “

26. what are three things they are afraid of?

“ being forgotten, being abandoned and snakes. literal and not literal snakes. “

27. what was the first concert they went to?

“ bon jovi when he played on central park summerstage. i remember my mom going crazy because she is obsessed with him. it was a great afternoon. “

28. is there a nickname that only their family calls them?

“ they call me millie. “

29. what side of the bed do they sleep on?

“ left. “

30. what is their favorite comfort food?

“ hershey’s chocolate bar. at least once a month, i go to the store in times square to get one for free. “

31. what award shows do they watch?

“ all of them. i love award season, but i will love it more when amy addams finally get the oscar that she deserves. “

32. do they have any weird body skills (example: being double jointed)?

“ yes !! i can wiggle both of my ears. “

33. if they drink coffee, what is their coffee order?

“ i don’t drink coffee. when i need caffeine i go to black tea mixed with green tea. “

34. what social media platforms do they have?

“ twitter, instagram, snapchat and pinterest. oh, facebook as well so my family knows i’m alive but i barely use it. “

35. are they a cat or dog person?

“ both ?? how can i choose between these precious animals ?? answer: i can’t. and won’t. “

36. if they were a supernatural creature, what would they be?

“ i think i answered this before, but if not, i would love to be a valkyrie. they are a bunch of badass women. “

37. what show are they currently watching on netflix/hulu?

“ queer eye and champions !! both are great and i highkey recommend everyone to watch them. “

38. what is their favorite disney movie?

“ disney is beauty and the beast. disney pixar is a bug’s life, i love a good classic. live action disney is obviously maleficent. fun fact: i saved money to buy the same lipstick angelina used in that movie.“

39. do they wear any perfume or cologne?

“ i wear perfume when i have to work in an event or something fancy like that. but other than that, i use victoria secret’s hydrating body lotion. “

40. what genres of music do they listen to?

“ broadway, pop and rock. “

41. have they ever seen the bee movie?

“ i have the dvd. i think that is enough answer to this question. “

42. what are their favorite memes?

“ to be honest, any reaction gif that ever existed. but the gif of jonathan from queer eye saying ‘can you believe?’ is one of my favorites at the moment. “

43. what celebrities do they share a birthday with?

“ mila kunis and halle berry !! hey yo !! “

44. what is their moon (zodiac) sign?

“ my moon sign is sagittarius. if you want to know the others, i have my whole chart on my phone thanks to my sister... but don’t ask me what it means, i have no idea. “

45. which of the seven cardinal sins do they embody the most?

“ i would say greed. “

46. do they watch sports on television? if so what ones?

“ i only watch sports on television when i need something to make me sleep. “

47. what do they put on their typical sandwich?

“ bread, cheese, steak and bacon. “

48. what was the name of their first significant other?

“ colin. he was a ridiculous piece of shit and i hope he is happy and stay far away from me. “

49. do they care if people think badly of them?

“ not really. point is, haters gonna hate. shake it off, taylor swift. always right. “

50. what was the last thing that made them cry?

“ i always cry when i listen to champagne supernova by oasis, so i will say that was the last thing that made me cry because i can’t really remember the last time i cried. “

51. are they an iphone or samsung user?

“ iphone. “

52. what type of computer do they use (example: apple)?

“ lenovo thinkpad e475. “

53. what is one of their nervous habits?

“ nail biting, tapping my foot, and talking really fast. my mom says i touch my hair a lot when i’m nervous, too.“

54. out of all reality shows, which one would they have a chance winning?

“ i’m pretty sure i could win big brother. 98% certain of it. “

55. would they ever go bungee jumping or skydiving?

“ without a doubt, someone please take me. “

56. what do they call their grandparents?

“ grandma and grandpa. “

57. what do they do when they can’t sleep?

“ watch any sport on tv, and if there’s none, cartoons. “

58. what time do they normally go to bed?

“ back home, between 10:30 PM and 11 PM on weekdays and 3 AM on weekends. “

59. if they have instagram, what was the last picture that they posted?

“ it was one of me holding a sword toy in the forest, trying to be a badass like wonder woman. but failing miserably. “ (x)

60. if they have twittter, what was the last thing that they tweeted?

“  i was trying to say “c’est la vie” but i forgot the phrase and so long story short i shrugged and said “livin la vida loca”.   “

61. who is their otp?

“ emily blunt and john krasinski !! i only believe in real love because of them !! “

62. do they like sweet, salty, or sour?

“ sweet and sour. “

63. did they play any sports in the past?

“ swimming and water polo. “

64. what is their favorite cheesy pick up line?

“  you look so familiar... didn't we take a class together? i could've sworn we had chemistry. “

65. what tv show or movie is their guilty pleasure?

“ gravity falls and the lego movie. “

66. if they were a fruit, what fruit would they be?

“ green grapes. “

67. do they sing in the shower?

“ sing would be an understatement. i give a whole madison sqaure garden performance in the shower. “

68. what is their favorite type of chips?

“ doritos. always and forever you will be on my heart. “

69. do they drink juice? if so, what is their favorite kind?

“ lemonade !! and orange juice mixed with strawberry juice. trust me, that shit is good. “

70. what is more important to them: power, money, friends, family, love, or fame?

“ family and friends, always. “

71. what does their handwriting look like?

“ my handwriting is legible, that’s what i can say about it?? oh, i write in cursive. i don’t know how to answer this. “

72. do they have reoccurring dreams? if not, what is their most memorable dream?

“ i have a dream that everyone is ignoring me. i searched what it meant when it first happened, and it turns out i need to communicate more about my feelings. that’s funny. “

73. if they were a taste, what would it be?

“ minty gum. you can’t go wrong with mint gum, unless you are allergic to it. “

74. what is one random fun fact about them?

“ i do volunteer work by delivering food, coats, blankets to homeless people every night that i can for a city program. i have been doing this for a year now, and it is so gratifying being able to help them. i wish sometimes i could do more. “

75. what is their lucky number?

“ seventeen !! “

76. do they have any pets?

“ unfortunately, no. money is tight already and with a pet would be worse. maybe in the future i will adopt one. “

77. do they believe in the paranormal or the supernatural?

“ hell fucking yes to the paranormal. not so much to the supernatural, but i wish it was true. “

78. have they ever had any paranormal experiences?

“ no, but i have heard a lot of them to believe that paranormal exists. “

79. can they sing or dance?

“ i can carry a tune, but i’m no whitney houston. and my dance moves consists in high school musical choreography. “

80. who is the first person they call/text when something exciting happens?

“ my lil sister rachel, theo, and my groupchat with addie and lola.”

81. what is their social media handle?

“ @ameliamill on twitter, @amclias on instagram and @amyazing on snapchat !! “

82. what swear word do they use/like the most?

“ fuck. “

83. what is their ideal first date?

“ i really like outdoor dates, a picnic or a theme park would be fun. outdoor movie or concert, a food festival or a street fair. even getting ice cream and go for a walk instead of sitting on the parlor would be a great first date. “

84. if they were a type of weather, what would they be?

“ the weather after a rainstorm, when the sun is timidly shining again behind the clouds and there’s that smell of fresh rain that makes you feel clean. “

85. what is their least favorite holiday?

“ thanksgiving. the bad memories are real with this one. “

86. what is the first thing that they do in the morning?

“ turn off my alarm and proceed to wake rachel up so she can get ready for school. when i’m here, jump in theo’s bed to wake him up.“

87. who is their ultimate celebrity crush?

“ my love, my life, my heart: chris evans. “

88. do they usually pay with cash or card?

“ cash. “

89. what was the last thing that they bought?

“ alcohol, more specifically whiskey and vodka. “

90. are they a good or bad driver?

“ i like to believe i’m a good driver, i never hit anyone’s car... so. “

91. if they could meet one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?

“ michael jackson, come on. who wouldn’t want to meet the king of pop ?? “

92. have they ever gotten into a physical fight?

“ once in high school. some girl was talking shit about my friend and the instinct to slap her across the face was stronger than the common sense of not doing so. got detention for a week and a super mad mom afterwards. oh well, it was worth it. “

93. do they prefer pepsi or coke?

“ we love and support coke in this house. pepsi is not welcome. “

94. do they prefer the city or the suburbs?

“ city, without a doubt. “

95. do they have any special or odd talents?

“ just the wiggling ears thing, like i said before. “

96. when they were little, what did they want to be when they grew up?

“ i wanted to be an astronaut and then i found out how much math it required to become one. it broke little amy’s heart. “

97. do they have any favorite smells?

“ the smell after it rains, lemon, and homemade food. “

98. if they could visit any place in the world, where would they go?

“ in ibiza za za za, everyday is a fiesta sta sta sta. “

99. do they wear jewelry?

“ yes, a necklace with a rose pendant that my grandma gave me. i haven’t taken it off since she gave me. and also earings. “

100. who is the last person they talked to on the phone?

“ rachel, turns out the lil sis is missing me more than she thought she would. “

101. do they prefer ‘would you rather’ or ‘truth or dare’?

“ would you rather. “

102. what has been their favorite halloween costume yet?

“ cher from clueless with the iconic yellow outfit !! as if there would be a better halloween costume than being the funniest rich girl.  “

103. do they like horror movies?

“ yeah, but i don’t like to watch them alone. “

104. what is their typical breakfast like?

“ soft scrambled eggs and tea. “

105. are they a netflix or hulu person?

“ netflix all the way !! their original content is great as fuck. “

106. do they like to gossip?

“ oh yeah, definitely. but only with close friends. “

107. if they were a song, what one would they be?

“ who do you think you are by spice girls. “

108. what was their best subject in school?

“ weirdly enough, it was spanish. followed by history and english. “

109. what was their worst subject in school?

“ physics. that shit was my fucking nightmare. why sir isaac newton had to discover gravity ?? tell me why ?? “

110. have they ever met anyone famous?

“ yes, a lot. the latest one was chris evans because he was on broadway with ‘lobby hero’. i was trembling the whole time he was talking to me. his eyes are so blue and dreamy. “

111. who was their childhood hero?

“ the totally spies !! no doubt, no doubt. “

112. were any tv shows or movies that they weren’t allowed to watch as a child?

“ my mom would let me watch things that were on my age range. if i wanted to watch something more ‘adult-y’, she would watch it first and then say if i could watch it or not. “

113. what is the strangest thing they have ever eaten?

“ according to my grandma, i ate a beetle when i was 2 year old. so it would be that. “

114. do they prefer friends or family?

“ i can’t choose, both have important roles in my life. “

115. how do they feel about pineapple on pizza?

“ i’m not a fan of it, but i don’t think is the weirdest topping you could put on your pizza like some people make it out to be. “

116. do they put the milk or cereal in the bowl first?

“ cereal in the bowl first. that way you know how much milk you have to put. duh. “

117. how do they think dogs would wear pants?

“ the second one. i don’t think any dog would be able to move wearing pants like in the first picture. “

118. do they believe in luck or fate?

“ fucking yes. life would be boring if you don’t believe in some things. but i believe more in luck than fate, though. “

119. do they use emojis when they text?

“ yes !! my three top most used emojis are the middle finger, eye roll, and the eyes emoji. “

120. who was their favorite character on friends?

“ all of them but ross. ross can rot in hell for making rachel get out of that plane. “

121. what character on friends are they most like?

“ i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable and the only response to a romantic i love you is ‘oh crap’. couldn’t i BE anymore like chandler ?? “

122. would they rather read the books or watch the movies?

“ watch the movies. “

123. what is their favorite time of day?

“ night, when i can finally lay in bed and relax. “

124. did they watch the teletubbies as a child? if so, who was their favorite?

“ if someone watched teletubbies and their favorite wasn’t po, they are fake. “

125. do they check the rating (like a rotten tomatoes rating) of a movie before they go and see one?

“ not really, no. i just watch it and then complain on twitter if it is bad. “

126. do they have any favorite old hollywood movie stars?

“ judy garland, julie andrews and audrey hepburn !! “

127. if they had to live in any other decade, which would they choose?

“ the 80′s, without a doubt. “

128. if they could only listen to five music albums for the rest of their life, which ones would they choose?

“ abba gold: greatest hits, michael jackson: greatest hits, spiceworld by spice girls, backstreet boys: the hits, high school musical 2 soundtrack. “

129. do they believe in heaven/hell or reincarnation?

“ like i said before, not believing in things makes life boring. so yes, i do believe in hell, heaven and reincarnation. “

130. do they like chewing gum?

“ yes, minty gum is great. “

131. do they like to go see musicals or plays?

“ hell yes !! it is one of my favorite things to do. “

132. were they apart of any clubs or teams in high school or college?

“ i was part of the swimming and water polo team in high school. “

133. what was their high school superlative?

“ most likely to brighten someone’s day. “

134. are they good at cooking or baking?

“ i have to be, or my sister and i would be eating take out every night. “

135. could they beat bobby flay?

“ hell no. “

136. do they watch actual television? if so, what channels do they watch?

“ mtv. and your occasional sports channel when i need to sleep. “

137. have they ever seen rupaul’s drag race?

“ yas gawd, werk it mama. “

138. do they prefer pink or yellow lemonade?

“ pink lemonade. everything that is pink, is better. i don’t make the rules, it just is. “

139. could they lip sync for their life?

“ i like to believe that the only lip sync for the life i would have to be in is the one in the final. and that it would be a song that is comedic like anaconda by nicki minaj so i can pull a ben de la creme on it. in these terms, i could definitely lip sync for my life. “

140. is their room messy or clean?

“ an organized mess, thank you very much. “

141. if they were a body part, which one would they be?

“ the brain, it controls every other body part. “

142. if they were an emotion, what would they be?

“ happiness. “

143. if they were a planet, which one would they be?

“ neptune, i don’t know why. “

144. how would they describe their clothing style?

“ eleanor shellstrop look alike. “

145. do they shower in the morning or at night?

“ at night, so my body can relax after a long day. “

146. do they order regular fries, onion rings, sweet potato fries, or tater tots?

“ regular fries. so i can eat them with a sundae. “

147. do they normally wear socks?

“ yes, socks are comfy. “

148. do they fear natural disasters?

“ of course. is there anyone who doesn’t fear natural disasters ?? ”

149. can they ice/roller skate?

“ no way. i always fall on my ass, but hey, that never stopped me from getting up again. “

150. are they good at video games?

“ i’m horrible at video games. the last game i played was mario kart. years ago. “

[2dizzle]

gay?

Gay is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term was originally used to mean “carefree”, “happy”, or “bright and showy”.

The term’s use as a reference to homosexuality may date as early as the late 19th century, but its use gradually increased in the 20th century.[1] In modern English, gay has come to be used as an adjective, and as a noun, referring to the people, especially to gay males, and the practices and cultures associated with homosexuality. By the end of the 20th century, the word gay was recommended by major LGBT groups and style guides to describe people attracted to members of the same sex.[2][3]

At about the same time, a new, pejorative use became prevalent in some parts of the world. Among younger speakers, the word has a meaning ranging from derision (e.g., equivalent to rubbish or stupid) to a light-hearted mockery or ridicule (e.g., equivalent to weak, unmanly, or lame). In this use, the word rarely means “homosexual”, as it is often used, for example, to refer to an inanimate object or abstract concept of which one disapproves. The extent to which these usages still retain connotations of homosexuality has been debated and harshly criticized.[4][5]

The word gay arrived in English during the 12th century from Old French gai, most likely deriving ultimately from a Germanicsource.[1] In English, the word’s primary meaning was “joyful”, “carefree”, “bright and showy”, and the word was very commonly used with this meaning in speech and literature. For example, the optimistic 1890s are still often referred to as the Gay Nineties. The title of the 1938 French ballet Gaîté Parisienne (“Parisian Gaiety”), which became the 1941 Warner Brothers movie, The Gay Parisian,[7] also illustrates this connotation. It was apparently not until the 20th century that the word began to be used to mean specifically “homosexual”, although it had earlier acquired sexual connotations.[1]

The derived abstract noun gaiety remains largely free of sexual connotations and has, in the past, been used in the names of places of entertainment; for example W.B. Yeats heard Oscar Wilde lecture at the Gaiety Theatre in Dublin.[8]

Sexualization

The word may have started to acquire associations of immorality as early as the 14th century, but had certainly acquired them by the 17th.[1] By the late 17th century it had acquired the specific meaning of “addicted to pleasures and dissipations”,[9] an extension of its primary meaning of “carefree” implying “uninhibited by moral constraints”. A gay woman was a prostitute, a gay man a womanizer, and a gay house a brothel.[1] The use of gay to mean “homosexual” was often an extension of its application to prostitution: a gay boy was a young man or boy serving male clients.[10] Similarly, a gay cat was a young male apprenticed to an older hobo, commonly exchanging sex and other services for protection and tutelage.[1] The application to homosexuality was also an extension of the word’s sexualized connotation of “carefree and uninhibited”, which implied a willingness to disregard conventional or respectable sexual mores. Such usage, documented as early as the 1920s, was likely present before the 20th century,[1] although it was initially more commonly used to imply heterosexually unconstrained lifestyles, as in the once-common phrase “gay Lothario”,[11] or in the title of the book and film The Gay Falcon (1941), which concerns a womanizing detective whose first name is “Gay”. Similarly, Fred Gilbert and G. H. MacDermott’s music hall song of the 1880s, “Charlie Dilke Upset the Milk” – “Master Dilke upset the milk/When taking it home to Chelsea;/ The papers say that Charlie’s gay/Rather a wilful wag!” – referred to Sir Charles Dilke’s alleged heterosexual impropriety.[12] Giving testimony in court in 1889, the rentboy John Saul stated: “I occasionally do odd-jobs for different gay people.”[13] Well into the mid 20th century a middle-aged bachelor could be described as “gay”, indicating that he was unattached and therefore free, without any implication of homosexuality. This usage could apply to women too. The British comic strip Jane, first published in the 1930s, described the adventures of Jane Gay. Far from implying homosexuality, it referred to her free-wheeling lifestyle with plenty of boyfriends (while also punning on Lady Jane Grey).

A passage from Gertrude Stein’s Miss Furr & Miss Skeene (1922) is possibly the first traceable published use of the word to refer to a homosexual relationship. According to Linda Wagner-Martin (Favored Strangers: Gertrude Stein and her Family (1995)) the portrait “featured the sly repetition of the word gay, used with sexual intent for one of the first times in linguistic history,” and Edmund Wilson (1951, quoted by James Mellow in Charmed Circle (1974)) agreed.[14] For example:

They were … gay, they learned little things that are things in being gay, … they were quite regularly gay.

The word continued to be used with the dominant meaning of “carefree”, as evidenced by the title of The Gay Divorcee (1934), a musical film about a heterosexual couple.

Bringing Up Baby (1938) was the first film to use the word gay in apparent reference to homosexuality. In a scene in which the Cary Grant character’s clothes have been sent to the cleaners, he is forced to wear a woman’s feather-trimmed robe. When another character asks about his robe, he responds, “Because I just went gay all of a sudden!” Since this was a mainstream film at a time when the use of the word to refer to cross-dressing (and, by extension, homosexuality) would still be unfamiliar to most film-goers, the line can also be interpreted to mean, “I just decided to do something frivolous.”[15]

In 1950, the earliest reference found to date for the word gay as a self-described name for homosexuals comes from Alfred A. Gross, executive secretary for the George W. Henry Foundation, who said in the June 1950 issue of SIR magazine: “I have yet to meet a happy homosexual. They have a way of describing themselves as gay but the term is a misnomer. Those who are habitues of the bars frequented by others of the kind, are about the saddest people I’ve ever seen.”[16]

Shift to specifically homosexual

By the mid-20th century, gay was well established in reference to hedonistic and uninhibited lifestyles[9] and its antonym straight, which had long had connotations of seriousness, respectability, and conventionality, had now acquired specific connotations of heterosexuality.[17] In the case of gay, other connotations of frivolousness and showiness in dress (“gay apparel”) led to association with camp and effeminacy. This association no doubt helped the gradual narrowing in scope of the term towards its current dominant meaning, which was at first confined to subcultures. Gay was the preferred term since other terms, such as queer, were felt to be derogatory.[18]Homosexual is perceived as excessively clinical,[19][20][21] since the sexual orientation now commonly referred to as “homosexuality” was at that time a mental illness diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

In mid-20th century Britain, where male homosexuality was illegal until the Sexual Offences Act 1967, to openly identify someone as homosexual was considered very offensive and an accusation of serious criminal activity. Additionally, none of the words describing any aspect of homosexuality were considered suitable for polite society. Consequently, a number of euphemisms were used to hint at suspected homosexuality. Examples include “sporty” girls and “artistic” boys,[22] all with the stress deliberately on the otherwise completely innocent adjective.

The sixties marked the transition in the predominant meaning of the word gay from that of “carefree” to the current “homosexual”.

In the British comedy-drama film Light Up the Sky! (1960), directed by Lewis Gilbert, about the antics of a British Army searchlight squad during World War II, there is a scene in the mess hut where the character played by Benny Hill proposes an after-dinner toast. He begins, “I’d like to propose…” at which point a fellow diner, played by Sidney Tafler, interjects “Who to?”, suggesting a proposal of marriage. The Benny Hill character responds, “Not to you for start, you ain’t my type”. He then adds in mock doubt, “Oh, I don’t know, you’re rather gay on the quiet.”

By 1963, a new sense of the word gay was known well enough to be used by Albert Ellis in his book The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Man-Hunting. Similarly, Hubert Selby, Jr. in his 1964 novel Last Exit to Brooklyn, could write that a character “took pride in being a homosexual by feeling intellectually and esthetically superior to those (especially women) who weren’t gay….”[23] Later examples of the original meaning of the word being used in popular culture include the theme song to the 1960–1966 animated TV series The Flintstones, whereby viewers are assured that they will “have a gay old time.” Similarly, the 1966 Herman’s Hermits song “No Milk Today”, which became a Top 10 hit in the UK and a Top 40 hit in the U.S., included the lyric “No milk today, it was not always so / The company was gay, we’d turn night into day.”[24] In June 1967, the headline of the review of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album in the British daily newspaper The Times stated, “The Beatles revive hopes of progress in pop music with their gay new LP”.[25] Yet in the same year, The Kinks recorded “David Watts”.[26] Ostensibly about schoolboy envy, the song also operated as an in-joke, as related in Jon Savage’s “The Kinks: The Official Biography”, because the song took its name from a homosexual promoter they’d encountered who’d had romantic designs on songwriter Ray Davies’ teenage brother; and the lines “he is so gay and fancy free” attest to the ambiguity of the word’s meaning at that time, with the second meaning evident only for those in the know.[27] As late as 1970, the first episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show has the demonstrably straight Mary Richards’ downstairs neighbor, Phyllis, breezily declaiming that Mary is, at age 30, still “young and gay.”

There is little doubt that the homosexual sense is a development of the word’s traditional meaning, as described above. It has nevertheless been claimed that gay stands for “Good As You”, but there is no evidence for this: it is a backronym created as popular etymology.[28]

Sexual orientation, identity, behaviour

The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both sexes,” ranging “along a continuum, from exclusive attraction to the other sex to exclusive attraction to the same sex.”[29] Sexual orientation can also be “discussed in terms of three categories: heterosexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of the other sex), gay/lesbian (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to members of one’s own sex), and bisexual (having emotional, romantic, or sexual attractions to both men and women).”[29]

According to Rosario, Schrimshaw, Hunter, Braun (2006), “the development of a lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB) sexual identity is a complex and often difficult process. Unlike members of other minority groups (e.g., ethnic and racial minorities), most LGB individuals are not raised in a community of similar others from whom they learn about their identity and who reinforce and support that identity. Rather, LGB individuals are often raised in communities that are either ignorant of or openly hostile toward homosexuality.”[30]

The British gay rights activist Peter Tatchell has argued that the term gay is merely a cultural expression which reflects the current status of homosexuality within a given society, and claiming that “Queer, gay, homosexual … in the long view, they are all just temporary identities. One day, we will not need them at all.”[31]

If a person engages in sexual activity with a partner of the same sex but does not self-identify as gay, terms such as ’closeted’, ‘discreet’, or ’bi-curious’ may apply. Conversely, a person may identify as gay without having had sex with a same-sex partner. Possible choices include identifying as gay socially while choosing to be celibate or while anticipating a first homosexual experience. Further, a bisexual person might also identify as “gay” but others may consider gay and bisexual to be mutually exclusive. There are some who are drawn to the same sex but neither engage in sexual activity nor identify as gay; these could have the term asexual applied, even though asexual generally can mean no attraction or involve heterosexual attraction but no sexual activity.

TerminologyMain article:

Terminology of homosexuality

Some reject the term homosexual as an identity-label because they find it too clinical-sounding;[20][21][32] they believe it is too focused on physical acts rather than romance or attraction, or too reminiscent of the era when homosexuality was considered a mental illness. Conversely, some reject term gay as an identity-label because they perceive the cultural connotations to be undesirable or because of the negative connotations of the slang usage of the word.

Style guides, like the following from the Associated Press, call for gay over homosexual:

Gay: Used to describe men and women attracted to the same sex, though lesbian is the more common term for women. Preferred over homosexual except in clinical contexts or references to sexual activity.[33]

There are those who reject the gay label for reasons other than shame or negative connotations. Writer Alan Bennett[34] and fashion icon André Leon Talley[35] are like others in such as fashion and the arts, out and open gay men who yet reject being labeled gay, finding it too limiting, slotting them into label boxes.

Gay community vs. LGBT communityMain article:

LGBT community

Starting in the mid-1980s in the United States, a conscious effort was under way within what was then only called the gay community, to add the term lesbianto the name of all gay organizations that catered to both male and female homosexuals, and to use the terminology of gay and lesbian, or lesbian/gay when referring to that community. So, organizations like the National Gay Task Force became the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. For many ardent feminist lesbians, it was also important that the L come first, lest an L following a G become another symbol of male dominance over women,[36] although other women prefer the usage gay woman. In the 1990s, this was followed by another equally concerted push to include the terminology specifically pointing out the inclusion of bisexual, transgender, intersex, and other people, reflecting the intra-community debate as to whether these other sexual minorities were part of the same human rights movement. Most news organizations have formally adopted variations of this use, following the example and preference of the organizations, as reflected in their press releases and public communications.

[diamond-song42]

That List Column 1: Twitter Likes Thingy

Hey peeps! I saw this thing on Twitter and decided it would be fun to just answer all the questions at once instead of waiting for people to like the post! So here is a new column, featuring a few fun facts about your friendly neighborhood Diamond!

1: I’ll say two here: Pokemon Ultra Moon as my favorite video game and Cards Against Humanity as my favorite card game. My favorite video game will basically be whatever the newest Pokemon title is and changes sometimes. I’ve gotten many, many laughs from CAH in the past (but you know I’m a terrible person already).

2: Discounting Pokemon and Equestria Girls for this one. I’m a sucker for Disney and I absolutely love Inside Out. I elaborated on this when I made my Disney Bracket, but Inside Out helped me visualize some mental health things I was going through in a new way and I still think about them that way today. Not to mention two of my favorite SNL people in starring roles.

3: Since the question of favorite cartoon is coming later, I’ll answer Saturday Night Live for this one. The comedy is painfully accurate and there hasn’t been one episode that has failed to make me chuckle at least once. Favorite episode of the latest season would have to be the Donald Glover/Childish Gambino episode.

4: Now I can’t definitively answer this one since I’m not gonna pick one character out of all my favorites to claim the top spot. If we’re talking MLP, it’s Fluttershy. If it’s Pokemon, I have to pick Lillie. You know why I love these two. Moving on.

5: This may be a surprise… but I adore the octopus! I love how they’re so ugly they’re cute and that they’re crazy smart. True Facts About the Octopus makes me laugh every time. I want an octopus for my next pet. 🐙

6: Again, not counting Pokemon as so many people don’t consider it an anime. I honestly don’t watch a lot of anime besides Pokemon, so if we’re talking anime TV shows, Yuri On Ice is the choice because CUTE GAYS. In regards to movies, my favorite anime movie is Tokyo Godfathers. I love Satoshi Kon’s style of animation and how they didn’t kill off the queer character or make her unlikable (yet she still got called slurs like “fag”). It was so masterfully told.

7: PURPLE! It’s been my favorite color for as long as I can remember. I usually gravitate towards more bluish purples.

8: At the moment, this blog is my best friend. Oh, that won’t cut it for you? Fine, it’s my Build-a-Bear Eevee plush. Happy now?

9: Cheesecake. Oh, how I love cheesecake. The best cheesecakes always feel so smooth on my tongue and tickle my taste buds. Naturally, my favorite is from the Cheesecake Factory, specifically their Ultimate Red Velvet Cake Cheesecake.

10: Wonder Woman, my goddess! How can you not love Gal Gadot when she does anything? Second place goes to Marvel’s Black Panther because dayyyyum that Chadwick Boseman is awesome.

11: Fine Brothers Entertainment! I love their Try Not To ___ Challenges and Challenge Chalice. I have a favorite reactor for each age group (including the Youtuber category!). One of my dreams is to be one of their reactors. They just have so much fun and love each other so much.

12: My favorite drink is straight off the Starbucks Secret Menu: The Cotton Candy Frappuccino. You may have heard of it since it was released as a limited time drink back in 2015 alongside other flavors such as Red Velvet and Lemon Bar. People voted for their favorite - sadly, my Cotton Candy did not win. Even so, it’s a more common Secret Menu order: All it consists of is a Vanilla Bean Frap (already on the menu) with a few shots of raspberry syrup! The syrup used to turn the drink a bright pink, but Starbucks removed their artificial dyes recently so it will just be plain white when you order it 😞

13: I gotta go with the Nintendo DS family. I’ve had so many good memories with the DS family over the years. Obviously you might expect me to say the 3DS specifically because, well, 3D, but my friends and I enjoyed playing and doodling over Pictochat. The Pictochat Smash Bros. stage is still my favorite stage today.

14: Uh... have you ever read any of my past posts? Maybe go count the number of Pone Reviews I’ve written in the last year and come back to me. ;)

15: This one ties into Answer #13. I received my first DS Lite at the age of 8 alongside a couple games. One I quickly ended up trading into GameStop, “Horsez,” but the other one stayed with me: “Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games.” We had Xbox systems before I got my first DS Lite, but this was the first game that was actually *mine* and *mine alone.* (Yes, can you believe it wasn’t a Pokemon game?!?!?!)

16: The first movie I ever saw in theaters is a widely-underrated Disney movie: “Brother Bear.” I was about 4 years old. It stars Joaquin Phoenix as an Inuit named Kenai who gets turned into a grizzly bear. It’s still one of my favorite Disney movies of all time. Go watch it. It’s awesome. I promise. Side note: When I went to California Adventure at Disneyland last year and checked my totem in the Brother Bear totem cave, I got the wolf of wisdom, the totem of Kenai’s brother Denahi.

17: This one is tough because I watched so many cartoons as a wee babby. My earliest memories involve “Sesame Street,” so I’ll answer that one. You probably know who my favorite character is if you kept up with the July Toon Spectacular.

18: Coke! Unless it’s Crystal Pepsi. I love Crystal Pepsi. It tastes a lot better than regular Pepsi.

19: Tying into Answer #13 and Answer #15, it’s Nintendo for the win! The DS may be my favorite console, but that’s not to say I’ve had a lot of fun with the Wii and Wii Plus over the years, especially when it comes to Mario Kart and Mario Party. I gotta get me a Switch.

20: Hmm... that I’m a strong woman who has been through so much shit already and that I am ready to take on whatever you throw at me? Any other suggestions, readers? ;)

And there you have it! The first edition of That List Column! Thank you for reading. If you see any lists like this you think I should go through, don’t hesitate to send them my way! Diamond out!

[elrieltinuviel]

All the questionssssss!!!!!!!!!

1. How do you define your sexuality?

Asexual

2. At what age did you first realize that you like girls?

like 5

3. How out are you?

Mostly, Don’t talk about it in person

4. At what age did you first come out?

18 or 19

5. Who was the first person you came out to? How did they take it?

I don’t remember

6. Has coming out lost you any friends?

No

7. What is your current relationship status?

Taken!

8. How many gay friends do you have?

I have mostly queer friends

9. How many male friends do you have?

3

10. Have you ever cut your hair super short?

sadly

11. How often do you wear flannel?

Once in a while

12. How much do you like cats?

Love cats!

13. Do you like skirts and dresses?

Kinda yeah

14. Do you like high heels?

Never worn them

15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and where?

No :(

16. How accurate is your gaydar?

Not super

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club?

Nah

18. How do you feel when plutonic female friends refer to each other as girlfriends?

Ew

19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl?

Lol hella

20. Ellen or Portia?

I don’t care

21. Is your nose pierced?

No

22 Would you ever want to get married?

yeeeeeee

23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding?

Maybe!

24. Would you ever want to give birth?

Fuck no, not that I could

25. Have you ever watched The L Word?

Nah

26. Have you ever dated a guy?

Nope

27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring?

I don’t like it.

28. How many rainbow items do you own?

None I think :/

29. Have you ever been to a pride festival?

Not yet, was supposed to go last year and the year before to Boston Pride, never happened

30. Have you ever celebrated National Coming Out Day (October 11)?

I came out on Facebook to everyone on National Coming Out Day lol

31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence?

No

32. Have you ever worn a woman’s suit?

I don’t understand, what makes a suit a women’s suit? I’ve worn a Men’s suit

33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing?

Sadly for my own protection

34. Do you eat meat?

Ye!

35. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Of course.

36. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity?

Don’t have one, don’t really care about celebs too much

37. Are you religious at all?

A bit I suppose

38. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peak or staring at a cute female?

Fairly often, but I don’t stare anymore.

39. What is your ideal first date?

Depends on the person

40. Are you comfortable with terms such as lezzie, lesbo, or dyke?

Absolutely not.

41. How outdoorsy are you?

Less than I used to be

42. In general, has being out affected your relationships with other females?

No

43. How much makeup do you typically wear?

None

44. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?

Yes, Its tough

45. Are you more feminine or more masculine?

Masculine :/ I don’t really know how to be feminine...

46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person?

A year and a half? Maybe only a year idk. No

47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters?

lol no

48. Do you think it is possible for someone to truly be a 50/50 bisexual, or is the percentage always skewed in favor of one gender?

Anything’s possible

49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight?

Back when I used to think I was

50. Do you watch any lesbian YouTubers?

Nah

51. Do you like wearing combat boots or Doc Martins?

Never have

52. Have you ever been hit on by another female?

Yes but they didn’t know I was a girl...

53. How athletic are you?

Not anymore

54. How many girlfriends have you had?

6? maybe 7. I mean I think technically only 5, but both NB partners went by/go by female pronouns

55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings?

Cute sometimes, depends on the face and jewelry really

56. What does equality mean to you?

Compassion and full rights for everyone regardless of anything. True proper equality, and the means to attain what you need with little to no effort.

57. If you are not a full blown lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females?

On occasion. I still have a lot of old prejudices I’m working on getting rid of, so that probably plays some part in that lack of attraction to people simply based on their appearance.

58. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend?

No, I’m too big. I suppose some have take sweatshirts, but only for a bit

59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you?

Lol there are no girls with my name.

60. How flirty are you?

Not very, I don’t understand the cues well enough

61. Are you a virgin?

No.

62. Do you listen to any LGBT musicians such as Tegan and Sara, Melissa Etheridge, or Chely Wright?

Not that I know of

63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay?

I’ve been told I’m too cute to be ace, does that count?

64. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality? If so, please explain.

I don’t think so.

65. Have you ever driven an SUV or a pickup truck?

Ye, I miss my SUV

66. Are you or have you ever been a tomboy?

No.

67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay.

I like to think the “default” is bisexual/pansexual, but I’m not sure.

68. What personality trait are you most attracted to?

Sense of humor I think

69. Boobs or butts?

Both???????

70. Beer or wine?

Cider!

71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie?

No

72. From 1-10, how attractive are muscular women?

Aight for these I’m going with aesthetic attraction, not sexual.

8 or 4, depends on how muscular

73. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses?

5 (glasses do nothing for attraction for me, just means she can’t see)

74. From 1-10, how attractive are women who are covered with tattoos?

9 (tattoos are hot, I’m talking all forms of attraction here)

75. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women?

6 (one of those prejudices I’m working on)

76. From 1-10, how attractive are women with short hair?

7 (depends on the style)

77. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women?

6

78. From 1-10, how attractive are highly intelligent women?

8

79. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)?

8

80. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend?

Lol I don’t have a uterus

81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy?

I think so?

82. Do you carry a purse?

Nah

83. Do you have any LGBT relatives?

Yes, a couple

84. Have you ever pretended to be completely straight?

Most of the time

85. Would you ever date a trans girl?

Someone being trans wouldn’t be the thing stopping me from dating them, so yes.

86. How well do you think LGBT women are portrayed in television?

Not so great.

87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you?

How much older? I mean yeah, but its subjective.

88. Do you have any celebrity crushes?

Sure

89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military?

I don’t like the military in general, lets get that straight (lol) but if someone is risking their life for my protection, who am I to say they can’t? I sure the fuck wouldn’t do it.

90. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No

91. Would you ever have a threesome? If so, would a guy be included?

Lol no. I don’t really like sex as is

92. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover?

No idea, the internet from my experience

93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn?

It’s more the home made stuff where people aren’t faking for their male viewers, And things can be fairly educational.

94. Have you ever had a one night stand?

No

95. How often do you wear a bra?

Never have I think

96. Have you ever been part of a softball team?

No

97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women?

Yes.

98. What stereotype about LGBT women do you disagree with the most?

The one where “bi people are untrustworthy” and shit. Most of the ones about bi people, really. And that aces are selfish.

99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality?

Have patience, and its okay to be wrong. Don’t rush, you aren’t better that anyone else based simply on your sexuality, that literally doesn’t matter as far as who you are as a person, morally. You’ll figure it out someday. You aren’t “wrong” or “disgusting” or “broken” or “greedy”. You’re wonderful.

100. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to come out?

Make it a pun if/when you do decide to. Make sure you’re safe, that’s most important. But definitely make it a pun.

[markwatkinsconsumerguide]

Consumer Guide / No.46 / writer & translator (and inaugural Translator in Residence at the British Library) Jen Calleja with Mark Watkins.

MW: Where’s home?

JC: I live in Brixton, London with my partner and our cat Ludo. I’ve lived in London for nearly ten years in total (including university), but I’m originally from Shoreham-By-Sea in West Sussex, which is where my parents still live.

MW: Tell me about your work...

JC: Well, I’m a jack of all trades really, and I’ve worked hard to be able to do that; to do a bit of everything I love and feel passionate about. I’m a writer of fiction and poetry; a literary translator from German; the inaugural translator in residence at the British Library; a columnist on translated literature; and a co-coordinator, spokesperson and workshop leader for an independent campaign tackling sexual harassment in the night time economy.

My first collection of poetry, Serious Justice, came out last year and I’m currently finishing writing my first novel. I’ve also published a number of short stories over the years and had a few writing commissions for musical and artistic projects. I’ve been a literary translator for about five years. I lived in Munich for eighteen months before starting my degree in writing and literature, and got my German to a good enough level to translate just through reading German novels and poetry. I’ve translated ten books from German so far, and I’m starting work on number 11 shortly. I’ve supplemented these jobs by editing and translating for magazines, residencies and connected jobs.

The column at The Quietus came about from wanting to be able to promote translated literature on a general literary platform; there are a few amazing translated literature focused journals and websites, but I wanted to help bring those conversations and books into the mainstream. So I pitched it to The Quietus and they enthusiastically accepted. I seek out a different language and different ‘question’ about the process, ethics or significance of a translation for each column, and I’ve always got my eyes peeled for the next one. I currently have three columns on the go.

I’m three months into a year-long one-day-a-week residency at the British Library where I’m promoting translation and the role of the translator. This is through curating a public events programme, exploring the Library’s multilingual staff and visitors through a short film, and even writing a collection of poetry inspired by the archive of poet-translator Michael Hamburger. There’s about a dozen projects I’m working on for it. It’s an amazing opportunity and it’s been incredible so far.

I’ve been volunteering as one of the coordinators and as a paid workshop leader for the Good Night Out Campaign for about a year. The campaign not only raises awareness about the amount of sexual harassment and assault that happens in bars, clubs, venues and pubs but primarily trains staff in participating premises how to react, handle and hopefully prevent harassment. It’s an intense but incredibly worthwhile role and I love doing this work. We’re in the process of rolling out the campaign across London and other cities in the UK. It’s also starting up in the US, Canada, Australia and the Czech Republic.

MW: ... your favourite piece of literature from the past and the present?

JC: In this moment I’m going to say Pale Fire, but basically anything written by Vladimir Nabokov. Could have easily been Lolita or any of his short stories. He is the master of the tragi-comedic and taught me so much about how the smallest difference in someone else and between characters can be enormous and have enormous consequences.

And from right now, even though she’s dead and it’s the centenary of her birth, Leonora Carrington’s collection of short stories The Debutante and Other Stories. It’s just come out with Silver Press in the UK and will make you feel like a child reading fairy tales for the first time.

MW: What have you most enjoyed translating ? How do you ensure such translations remain true to the original?

JC: I love telling great stories, including those that happen to have been written in German by someone else. I read a chapter I’d translated of my favourite German book at a reading event a few weeks ago and people went crazy for it, and couldn’t believe it hadn’t been translated. Literary translation for me, in brief, is getting across the same meaning even if the expressions or words wouldn’t match up in the dictionary. Word for word translation is a myth, languages can’t be mapped onto one another as every word/expression has a different nuance, history, tone in every language. Translation is technically impossible, and yet we do it every day. I could talk forever about translation.

MW: Do you prefer to construct, de-construct or destroy art - why?

JC: I have always wanted to make things and write, to express things and create art; it’s how I think about the world and how to be in it. Deconstructing makes me think of reviewing and I hate reviewing, in the most part (but not always) it’s preachy and there are too many rules to how to do it for me to be good at it or interested in it. You can’t be precious and art objects and all art has the fate of one day being destroyed. The ideas, impetus and energy behind or around something lives on of course, even if the object is gone. More art will come after the art that already exists and will override or usurp what comes before it.

MW: Is 'Girl Power', the spirit of the 90's Britpop age still around, and if so, where can it be found in UK culture today?

JC: I don’t really know much about Britpop, I was a bit too young at the time, though in recent years there’s been a lot written about how macho that period was and how that ‘girl power’ movement tried to rival this.

You won’t find much of a non-male or feminist presence in mainstream music (I’ve written before about how UK festival bills are overwhelmingly male) or if you do see a band with women in they’re treated in a tokenistic and frequently sexist way.

However, the DIY music scene right now is filled with the best punk and DIY bands who are feminist, queer and comprised of women, trans and non-binary musicians. It is seriously a weird novelty to go to a show – or should be – in the DIY music scene and see an all-male bill.

In fact, the norm in the scenes I move in is that every band will have at least one woman in, if not have multiple bands with all-women on the bill, and the people on stage and in the crowd will stand up for intersectional (anti-racist, anti-ableist, anti-transphobic and anti-homophobic) feminist values as the norm.

MW: Tell me about making music and your bands (seemingly) post-punk sensibilities....

JC: I play in a few bands, which I see as part of my creative practice and inseparable to all the other things I do. My writing has even appeared on my bands’ records and I’ve written about being in bands in my fiction and poetry.

I would refer to them as DIY punk/post-punk bands I guess; self-promoting, self-booking, self-releasing or put out on independent labels, previously self-recording, preferably playing in DIY and independent venues. Currently these are Sauna Youth (vox, sampler), Gold Foil (vox, bass) and Mind Jail (drums); and previously: Feature (vox, drums) and Monotony (drums).

I started teaching myself the drums when I was 18, and started my first (short lived but very fun) band when I was 19 at university. Over the last few years I’ve got to do a couple of short tours in the UK with Feature, and tour the UK, Europe and America with Sauna Youth, but thought I would slow down with music stuff this year; instead it seems to have ramped up. I have multiple band practices a week, sometimes in the day, so it’s handy being freelance.

There have been some really memorable highlights over the years, like supporting bands I admire in the DIY scene and beyond, playing a festival at one in the morning in San Sebastian in Spain, playing a basement show on a stormy night in Minneapolis, and getting to sing for Pissed Jeans at a festival in Switzerland. Most recently (at the age of 30) I’ve started playing the bass so I could replace our bass player in Gold Foil, while carrying on being the singer.

MW: What makes a ‘Good Night Out’ ?

JC: Going to see a show, or going to the cinema on my own and always one where harassment doesn’t have to ruin your night: www.goodnightoutcampaign.org

MW...and a 'Good Night In' ?

JC: Watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

MW:: How do you envisage the rest of 2017 panning out for you?

JC: Finishing the novel, starting a new poetry collection, pulling off my residency projects, helping Good Night Out grow, and going on tour later in the year. Oh, and I’m getting married.

www.jencalleja.com

@niewview​

(C) Mark Watkins / June 2017