#the first line just occurred to me a few weeks back walking past a moonlit window at work

[bookshelf-in-progress]

The Memory Garden

Don’t go into the garden in the moonlight. You’ll want to if you see it out the window. The night-blooming flowers will shine in the stars’ silver fire and scent the air with delicate perfume. The air will be full of songs—the breath of the wind through the leaves, the chorus of insects and cheery little frogs, the sound of something sweet and faraway that you love but can’t quite name. The stone paths will glow white, promising a place to run fast and far and free until you reach the moon. One glimpse, and you will yearn to rush outside, forgoing sleep to join a world more beautiful than any you might find in your dreams.

Don’t go.

This castle has stood here for centuries, and in the moonlight, the gardens remember.

If you step outside, you’ll feel the air shift, feel an autumn coolness on your skin though the day was summer-warm. The stars will be unfamiliar, the constellations new and far away. You might see them spinning backward, slow and sly, or forward at a rate too fast for you to follow. You’ll see the moon full, then new, then crescent-thin in the space of a minute, or see it stand so huge and round and near that you’ll stare it full in the face and feel yourself age a year while you gaze.

You’ll look away from the sky when you hear voices around you. They will come from people standing on the paths, gazing in the fountain, wandering the rose garden, winding through the maze, or even standing at your elbow. They will wear the garb of a dozen different centuries, strange clothes you saw in the castle’s portrait gallery in the sane light of day. None of them will meet your eyes. None of them will look your way. They will wander past you, heedless of all but the beauties of the night, until you wonder if you are the ghost or they.

You will wind through every path in the garden a dozen times, unseen, unheard, and unspoken to beneath those strange and wild stars, and a loneliness will seize your heart and throat until it chokes you, and you stand on the edge of the fountain with watering eyes. You will long for your bed, for the breakfast table, for your ordinary daytime companions, but you won’t be able to remember if they were ever real.

You will weep, I think—for you’re no stronger than me—and in your tears you will forget the night, your fears, and even your own name. When you open your eyes, you will be shocked to see the stars yet shining, standing still and patient, keeping watch. The garden paths will be empty now, empty as your mind and heart, and you will gaze upon the world with newborn eyes, knowing nothing’s name, knowing only that you live and that the night is good.

The gardens will be still then. Not a breath of air will move. Every branch, tree, flower and leaf will sit as though carved from stone. If you speak, your voice will fall flat, muffled by the air. The stars will stand perfectly still—for an hour? For a year? For a lifetime? You will not know, for time itself will cease to move in that endless lonely moment.

Then a voice will speak your name; it will sound familiar yet strange, like a foreign word you’ve heard before but can’t define. You will spin around, searching the gardens, but see no face to match the voice. You will hear laughter and think of your mother as she pushed you in a swing that hung from the branch of your favorite tree. You will hear shouting and remember the last words you ever spoke to your brother. You will hear the barking of your childhood dog, hear songs from every Christmas of your life. Every sound will bring back a piece of yourself, and you will remember you were someone, with family and memories and love and home and kindness and courage and oh, so many regrets.

Then, with every corner you turn, you will see people—and you will know them. You will see your mother as she looked on the day when she first held you in your arms. You will see your childhood playfellows, with gap-toothed smiles and dirty knees. You will see your grandfather as he struggled on his deathbed. See your brother in the days when he still knew how to smile at you. You will see your childhood sweetheart as they looked on the day you lost them forever. You will see your own children yet unborn, the children of a dozen generations stretching far into the future. If you look into the waters of the fountain, you will see yourself, and not know, by your face, if you are old or young, adult or infant or child, a newborn babe or a thousand years old.

Everywhere you look, you will remember—where you are and where you’ve been, who you are and who you hope to be. You will remember the dreams you never fulfilled, remember who you could have been in a kinder world, remember days you have not lived and perhaps never will. You will remember countless moments of kindness you have too-long overlooked. You will remember things you have long forgotten and wish had remained in oblivion. You will remember everything—except how to leave the garden.

You will see a million faces in that garden, remember a million lifetimes—your own and those of people who have lived across a thousand years. The gardens around you will bloom and wither through too many seasons to count, but the moon and stars will never leave the sky. When you feel as though your bones and brains are old enough to turn to dust and ash, you will collapse somewhere on the edges of the garden, fall into a dreamless sleep—and wake what feels like a moment later, in the full light of day, with a gardener bending over you with a knowing look, as if he sees the effects of the night in your eyes.

You will return to your ordinary life after that, the very morning after the night you left your room, but part of you will remain always in the garden. It will call to you on every moonlit night, so that you will always yearn to enter the garden and feel whole once more.

If you do, don’t go.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[btsslowburnfic]

Chthonic Love Chapter 7

Series Summary:  A Greek Mythology AU featuring Yoongi/Suga as Hades and reader as Persephone. Olympian ruler Namjoon has delivered you, Persephone, as a gift for his brother, lord of Death, Yoongi

Previous Chapter here

The hours passed quietly. You had sketched out both the garden and the shore. Occasionally you walked over to the window and looked out for reference.

You heard Yoongi scoot his chair back and you looked up. He was stretching his arms. His gravelly voice broke the silence, “You can stay here if you like. It's almost time for the next reaping.”

You found yourself yawning, “Actually, I think I'll go and find Lethe.” You said as you got up from your comfortable pile. “Thanks for the day.”

“Of course.” he said, looking down at your drawings as he walked over. “Those are really good.”

“Thanks.” you smiled, proud of your artwork. “Where should I put them?” you asked, picking the papers up.

“Here. For now...” he took the sketches from your hands and placed them in one of the chests.

“Great. Thank you.” you said. “Oh. Hold on.” You removed the cloak you were still wearing and fastened it around his neck. Yoongi momentarily forgot how to breathe. “There.” You looked up at him and smiled.

He felt a blush creep across his face. What the hell is this? he wondered while he reached to open the door for you.

You walked past him, keeping your own head down as you suddenly felt very shy. You immediately ran into Penthos. “Ahhh!” you shrieked out a bit. “Sorry, you surprised me.”

“I work here,” he said bluntly.

Behind you, you heard Yoongi clear his throat. “What was that Penthos?��

“Pardon me Lady Persephone. I was just coming to give Lord Yoongi a daily report.” You saw the barely noticeable eye twitch that occurred as he answered.

You tried your best to maintain your pleasant demeanor. Honorifics were never really your thing, but it seemed as though Penthos was usually all about them; just not with you.

“Well then, I shall leave you to it. Good evening gentleman.” you awkwardly maneuvered around Penthos and went down the stairs. Your mood was slightly soured by the interruption. You weren’t quite done saying goodnight to Yoongi. You pouted as you traveled through the great hall and kitchen looking for Lethe. You realized that you didn’t really know that much about the Obsidian Palace. You decided to ask Yoongi for a tour tomorrow. You looked in your room. No Lethe. Garden? Nope. You sigh. Was there anyone else around here?

You go back to the Great Hall and find one of the random servants dusting something. “Excuse me. Have you seen Lethe?”

The woman looked at you like you are the most terrifying thing ever. “Ok. Sorry I asked. I’ll just go.” you backed away slowly. Another servant came over, “Sorry milady, Aida is new here. She’s still adjusting to being dead.”

“Oh,” you put your hand over your mouth. “I’m so sorry I had no idea. This must be very hard for you Aida.” She nodded her head slowly and resumed her semi-dusting activity.

“Is there something I can help you with?” the other woman asked.

“Yes. I’m looking for Lethe.”

“I think she is in the laundry room. Let me fetch her for you.” she started to leave.

“Please take me with you. I would be very interested to see where the laundry room is.”

“You can’t be serious milady. It’s a laundry room.”

“Well you see I have never seen a laundry room before. Ever.”

The woman laughed, “Alright, come along then.”

You followed her through several hallways and arrived at a small door.

“Lethe?” she yelled as she opened it. “Lady Persephone is looking for you.”

“Alright I’ll be right there.” you heard Lethe shout.

You walked through the door. “No need Lethe, I came to find you.”

“Did you need something?”

You turned to the woman who had brought you here, “Thank you so much.” She curtsied and left. “No. I’m just bored.” you admitted.

She laughed. “Well I suppose compared to the mortal realm there isn’t a lot to do here.” she stirred a large cauldron full of clothing.

“May I ask you something highly inappropriate?” you said, completely catching Lethe off guard causing her to stop stirring the clothing.

“Umm...I suppose but if it’s about Lord Yoongi I feel like I shouldn’t say anything given that he’s so powerful and in charge of my contract and…”

“It’s not about Yoongi.” you quickly cut her off.

“Oh. Ok. Then what? Is it about being dead?”

“No.” you took a deep breath, “Why doesn't Penthos like me?”

Lethe resumed stirring the clothes. “Who says he doesn’t like you?”

“Goddesses can tell when people are lying.” you bluffed. “One of our lesser known abilities.”

She sighed, “Penthos is one of the few people who chooses to be here. He's not just a dead human like most of us. He’s a demi-god who cares deeply for Lord Yoongi. He’s been here for centuries.”

You cocked your head to the side, “I still don't understand. I've been nothing but kind to Yoongi. I mean, I screamed a lot at first but I feel all things considered I’ve taken this kidnapping pretty well. “

“Maybe that's part of it. In a few days or weeks or months at the most, you'll be leaving here. Lord Yoongi will still be here. Forever. He can't even leave the underworld for more than a day or so or else there would be chaos in the mortal realm.”

“Pshh even when I leave I would still come back and visit if Yoongi wanted me to.” You said as you folded some random clothing.

Lethe raised her eyebrows in surprise, “You would? Stop doing that.” She scolded you.

“I can’t just stand here and do nothing.” you responded.

“Fine. Fine. I suppose I shouldn’t argue with you.” she finished stirring the laundry and started pulling the pieces out. “I don’t suppose you have any magic for lifting things or drying laundry?” she asked.

You created a flower in your hands, “Nope, life magic only.” You smiled. “It’s been useful at times, but there are definitely more practical abilities that the Pantheon possesses. What powers does Penthos have?”

Lethe paused and thought, “I’m not entirely sure. I know he has the ability to move objects without touching them. And he can combine solid matter, like the orb you arrived in and a large portion of the Obsidian Palace was crafted by him.”

“Interesting,” you mused. Demigods were always a question mark when it came to their abilities. Some were immensely powerful and others barely registered any abilities. Regardless, it was good information to have. You picked at your flower petals. “Soooo anything else interesting? Cursed rooms? Labyrinths? Secret mistresses?”

Lethe laughed, “Nope. The catacombs are a bit treacherous but Lord Yoongi keeps those locked up. Like I said, life here is quiet but boring. It’s one of the reasons we are sent here: quiet time to reflect on our poor choices.” She sighed sadly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up.” you quickly felt bad.

“Oh no, you didn’t. It’s just one of those thoughts that’s always on my mind. I can relate almost anything to it, to be honest. But let’s see. What’s something interesting…? Hmm...I mean seriously you are the first guest we’ve had in the fifty years here so there’s just not a lot to say.”

“Really? That’s sad.” You remade your flower again with a different color.

“Well, the trip is a little dangerous.” She said as she hung the clothing on a line in front of the fire.

“Not for Olympians. Please. That’s just an excuse. They travel to Olympus all the time for parties ands stupid stuff. It’s just rude.” you scoffed.

She paused thoughtfully, “Well milady, forgive me for pointing it out, but you never visited either until you were brought here.”

You mused for a minute, “I suppose that’s true. But I don’t go to Olympus either. I have a general distrust of other Gods. Clearly I was right seeing as how I was transferred like chattel. Anyways. I have visited the ocean realm because of the animals there. Are there any animals in the Underworld?”

Lethe shook her head, “Monsters. And some are nice, but most aren’t. It’s not really safe to leave the palace.”

You walked over and started hanging up clothes alongside her, “Ah that’s too bad. I was hoping there were secretly Stygian Sharks or something.”

Lethe had given up on scolding you for helping. “Can’t you create some?”

“No, I can sustain animal life and create plants. I could create an animal but it would die before it could live a real life, my powers are technically life magic, not creation magic; that’s Gaia.” you smiled, “I wish I could create some Stygian Sharks. I’d totally do it. And some Sorrow Scorpions for the desert. Moonlit foothill fainting goats.”

Lethe started to laugh, the kind of laugh that comes from the stomach and makes the sides hurt. This caused you to laugh even more, imagining your strange animal creations. It continued for a while with the two of you making up absurd animal creations. “I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Me either, my throat hurts a little.” you said as you hung the last sock.

“Let’s get you some tea then.”

“I won’t argue with that,” you replied as the two of you left the laundry room.

---------------------

“Sir have you received any word from Hoseok?” Penthos asked as he followed Yoongi down the stairs.

“No. But it’s only been a day. It takes time for things to reach the mortal realm.” he responded nonchalantly. “I need to go speak with Arachne before the reaping. Is there anything else for this evening?”

Penthos was taken aback slightly, “Sir, you just saw Arachne yesterday. Is everything alright in the catacombs? I can investigate if there’s been any trouble.”

“No. No trouble. Persephone needs a warmer cloak.” Yoongi said as though it was the most obvious thing ever.

Penthos tried to hide his confusion. “Will she be staying long enough to need one?”

Yoongi involuntarily flinched and stopped walking. He looked over at Penthos, truly assessing him for the first time in years. “I don’t care if she’s staying for one night or forever. I don’t want her to be cold while she’s here.” he said tightly.

“Yes sir.”

“Another thing?” Yoongi asked.

“Yes?”

“Go check on the golems. Just make sure they’re in working order.”

“Sir?”

Yoongi looked down and walked closer to Penthos, resuming eye contact once he was within inches of his face. “I’m getting tired of your questions this evening Penthos. I have indulged several based on our years together. Check the Golems.” he put his hands in his pockets and turned back towards the catacombs.

“Yes, sir.” NEXT CHAPTER

[84reedsy]

Betray/Forgive - Part 2 - A Bam Brown Fan Fiction

Enjoy the finale!

Pairing: Joshua Bam Bam Brown/OC

Rating: R (suggestive content)

She’d doubted that he’d find her out in the cavernous hills of the Rockies. She’d stayed put for 3 weeks. Surviving on only what whe’d brought or what she could forage. It was the reason she’d come to this place. She had another week to go and initially was feeling wonderful. She’d willed herself passed the feeling of being used and discarded. She’d thought a time or two to descend back into the valley, into the town and confront him and tell this woman what exactly her significant other had been up to, but she’d decided against it.

She wondered if she knew. If they had some sort of agreement and she already knew about her. What if he told her what they did and laughed about her technique or…or something. She didn’t want to face further humiliation so she let it go. She let it go. She tried to let him go.

It was difficult to fathom, but the hardest thing was shaking memories of him. She couldn’t figure it, they’d spent less than a full 24 hours in each other’s company yet she still felt as if she missed him.

“How can I miss someone I don’t even know…” She surmised aloud to the crackling fire in front of her. It did not provided an answer other than to slowly turn another log to ash. She threw a stick into the flame, frustrated.

“Lexi….you fool…” she said watching the flames choreograph their own moonlit dance.

Near the ending of the third week, she was wondering if she could even finish the next week she’d had planned; for a few days now she’d been periodically down. She worried she’d contracted some bug, some parasite or had eaten a misidentified leaf. But she would then suddenly feel better. The inconsistency baffled her, however throwing up every morning was beginning to take it’s toll.

As she decided to call the trip early, she had a dreaded thought. She paused in the middle of rolling her sleeping bag. No she thought, No, no, no, no, no!

“I…how could I have been so stupid!” She yelled at herself, her only audience was the cold, stony faces of rock that surrounded her, only echoing her frustrations.

Back in civilization, at her new place that she’d settled only weeks before taking off on her trip, she stared at the pregnancy test and it’s two glaringly blue lines. And there it was, another plus. She flung it into the sink basin, where it clacked against the other dozen or so tests she’d taken throughout the day. All of them. Every.last.one. Was positive.

She slunk to the floor. What was she going to do. Here she was, alone in a new city, a new state. She didn’t have the mentality to be a mother right now. This was not anything like what she was expecting. The move to Denver had been about new beginnings that were her choice, HER decisions. She was for once in life putting herself first. She was in no position to take care of a baby. Tears flowed from her eyes but she knew she was getting rid of it. Termination was her only option right now. The thought tore at her soul; it wasn’t that she didn’t want kids. She did. But she wanted them to be with someone she loved and respected and reciprocated those feelings. Not someone who used her for sexual amusement in the absence of his full time lover.

She had a short window and the cost, thanks to the bureaucracy, was astronomical. She gripped the pamphlet in her hand as the doctor gave her a rundown of options. She could pay for it, but then be strapped for months while she hoped no other emergencies occurred and would have to work overtime just to make ends meet…maybe. The doctor was very kind, and gently suggested that often the cost is supplemented by the other party. The other party. In order to do this she’d have to find him and ask for the money. Ask. The thought was ridiculous. He was just as responsible yet here she’d have to beg him to help her.

It was that or adoption. She made a deal with herself that she’d face him, she’d ask, but if he refused, she’d suffer through the pregnancy alone and give it up for adoption. She hoped it would stop there. She didn’t want him to have it. The thought of him using her as a baby machine turned her stomach even more than the turkey sandwich she’d just regurgitated. She shook the image of Bam and that woman cooing over a baby that she’d made, coveting it.

“Stop it….stop thinking like that. He’ll want this gone. He’ll want to move on from his mistake and make it go away,” She pep talked herself, “Just like I do…”

But there was something inside her, a small voice in her head that didn’t agree. A small voice energized each day as her endless nights of dreams concluded each morning. Dreams of Bam, remorseful and humbled, begging her forgiveness but insistent that his feelings were genuine. Each dream, each night seemed to rub a bigger and bigger ache in her heart. She tried to write it off as hormonal, knowing the dreams felt to real to be entirely fiction.

“Maybe he’s having the dreams too,” her subconscious reasoned, “Maybe he’s trying to reach you the only way he can.”

She shrugged off the thoughts as she finally boarded the train bound for Cortez. He’d said they lived nearby, maybe she’d run into him again as easily as she had the first time. Though she was sure this time he wouldn’t follow at such a distance; he’d either approach her immediately or possibly run for the hills.

She tried to let the visually stunning images she passed distract her mind from the task at hand, enjoying the low cost and better views that train travelling afforded her.

It did little to vacate her thoughts. Every grove of evergreens reminded her of their picnic in the woods. How he’d tenderly catered to her, refusing reciprocation. She scolded herself as she realized she was grinning at the memory.

“Perv…” She mumbled, trying to write him off.

When she arrived in the town, it was quiet. She didn’t expect much in the middle of the week, the busy tourist season already past. The streets had just a handful of people. The wind had just the slightest cool to it, but the overhead sun kept the day from being unpleasant.

She felt a little foolish now. Her plan ended here. She had no idea how to find him, she wasn’t even sure she could find a phone book and if they were even listed at that. She surely doubted it. She wandered the streets for a couple of hours, window shopping at all the places she’d seen this past summer. She felt a sense of guilt and longing as she passed a baby boutique, quickly leaving.

She sighed as she reached the end of the downtown area, the trailhead of the hike they took was dead ahead past the parking lot. She turned the other way, unable to think of the moments again. And there he was.

Walking up the street with a coffee in his hand. He was alone, he looked almost sullen. Her extremities went numb. His hair was down, long and flowing, even with sunglasses on she could see his perma-scowl, the one she’d lightly teased him about.

As she willed herself to move, she was stricken with fight or flight, her toes itching to carry her away from the impending confrontation. But her heels felt like lead weights. Somehow her feet moved, she was almost surprised to realize they were carrying her towards him. After only a few steps, she stopped as he looked up. His scowl disappeared as his face went blank. He turned almost paler than normal.

“You…” He almost mumbled, taking a few more steps towards her, “You…You’re here…” It was then she noticed his face almost looked relieved. Relieved? Surely she was reading him wrong.

“Yes, I am. I have something I need to talk to you about. It’s important.” She tried to make it sound business-like, but he stared at her as if she were heaven-sent. And he kept moving slowly to her.

THe slowness gave way to a sudden movement as she felt his body press to hers. His arms were around her and she felt his rough, bearded cheek against her ear as he embraced her. She was so shocked by this that her arms hung limply at her sides.

“I was hoping you would come back. I was. I needed to tell you so much, I needed to explain.” He murmured into her ear. She tried to maintain her strong front, nudging out of his embrace.

“I need to tell you something, too. I need to say mine first.” She tried to remain as businesslike as possible, “I’m…Bam, I’m pregnant.” The words left her, but she felt like a 3rd person in her own body as they came from her mouth.

His body went slack as the words sunk in. He stuttered out, “P-Pregnant? Wow….really? Pregnant?” She had expected anger, worry, indifference, but awestruck? She wasn’t prepared for his lack of indignance. His hand slid backwards over his hair, repeating the word to himself as if it would make it more real.

“Yes. Pregnant. I came to you….well…because I need $500 to…to get rid of it. For an abortion.” The words were harsh from her own admission. She cringed internally. But she needed to be blunt, as devoid of emotion as possible if she wanted to make it out of this with any scrap of dignity.

“It’s $1000…since it’s half yours, I think it’s only fair you pay half.” She reasoned as if she were asking to split the cost of dinner.

“Get rid of it? You��you’re getting an abortion?” The sadness on his face surprised her as well.

“I don’t want to raise a bastard child of an adulterer.” She wanted him to get upset, she didn’t want it to be amicable. She wanted a reason to hate him. She needed a reason to hate him.

“Hey…don’t.” He sounded as if he warning her, “It’s not what it seems like. And….really, you’re pregnant?”

She was tiring of his surprise and his lack of panic. She’d hoped this would throw him for a loop, rock his world, upend all of his plans like it was about to do for her.  

“Are you going to give me the money or not.” She didn’t need to know about his life, she didn’t want explanations or details. She wanted $500.

“Can we please, go somewhere? Talk about this?” He sounded pleading now, “ I’ve …I’ve been looking for you…for weeks. Please.”

“Is that code? Looking for another easy lay? Gonna cash in your chips and ask me to blow you?” She put up a facade with her crudeness, not wanting him to trigger her bleeding heart.

“Stop.” He said it with a demanding tone, taking a step towards her. He softened slightly as if begging for her to soften for only a moment, “You weren’t that to me. You were more than that. Things are complicated. Please let me explain.”

She huffed in aggravation. She rolled her eyes and looked off to the side, anything to emit a feeling of annoyance. But she couldn’t deny him. As much as she hated herself for it, she just could not bring herself to reject him completely.

“Fine.”

He took her a different way from the trail, walking along a road abandoned years ago that led into the forest. The cracks in the worn pavement housed sprung plants and creeping vines sprawled as nature was taking back the path. The road looked as broken and worn as she felt. She listened quietly as he explained that the girl she’d seen with him, his wife, had cheated on him, continuously.

He’d wanted a family and she’d agreed to try. It never happened and after medical intervention, it was discovered that it wouldn’t happen. She couldn’t bear him children. He’d been broken hearted over that fact, but remained committed to her.

She however felt that with not having to worry herself with pregnancies, she was free to sexually gratify herself with any man she came across it seemed. Each time she’d apologize, and wail her undying love and manipulate him into staying. Each man had a different excuse for why. Each one broke him a little more inside.

He told her he’d stopped caring about being true to her; his love for her was broken and he’d told her so that last day when she’d arrived. When Lexi had fled to the hills. Her name was Amanda and she did not respond well. She spent days refusing to leave, even at his insistence.

“It was very confusing,” he said, “ For her to be so committed to remaining with me, but refusing to hold herself accountable for any of it.

“You helped me make that decision, you know.” He looked at her, a small smile on his lips. She did not smile back, she did not want him to know, to believe that he brought her any joy. Her mind flashed an image of joy he’d brought her as she writhed on the picnic blanket, his words praising her taste.

She shook it from her memory, angry that she’d let that surface.

“I helped you? Apparently I am just all sorts of help.” She tried to be snide, but it came off more sad and dejected.

“You did. Even when things were good. At their best. Even when we met. I never felt…I never felt what I should have. I thought she was love, I thought she was what I wanted. But I was really, really wrong.

“When I saw you…I realized any other woman in my life had been a mistake. I’ve been looking for you to tell you that.” He was shaking a little. He hid his trembling fingers in his pockets.

“You expect me to believe that you realized you loved me that fast.” She scoffed again, immediately regretting it when she saw the pained expression cross his face and the lump in his throat he swallowed.

“I don’t expect you to believe me, or forgive me…but I had to tell you.” He looked defeated, his shoulders slumped, “You mean…you really didn’t feel it too?” He looked a little hopeful but like he was preparing for those hopes to be dashed. “I thought…I thought maybe you’d been having the dreams too…”

She shivered. The dreams. The same dreams?

“Dreams?” She couldn’t help herself, she had to know.

“Yes. Every night, you’re in them. I beg you to forgive me every night. Sometimes you forgive me…sometimes not,” he swallows again, “ But I see you in them so vividly, it’s like you were real. Even though my heart broke half the time, I still got to see you every night.”

She tried to steady her rapid breathing. The same dreams, they’d had the same dreams. She hated the nights she’d dreamt she’d forgiven him, because her heart ache in the morning was that much worse.

“Are you going to give me the money?” She asked again, but her voice wavered as she asked, not nearly as strong and unmoving as she’d wanted it to be.

He took his sunglasses off, replacing them with his wire-rimmed frames. His eyes, he was much more human now that she could see them.

“She’s gone. She’s out of my life. I know…I know I fucked up. But please…give me a chance not to lose you, too.”

“Lose me? Bam we weren’t even together. There wasn’t an us to lose.” She sounded as if she were trying to convince herself just as much as him.

“Maybe,” he continued as if he didn’t believe she was convinced either, “ Maybe that little baby…that life inside of you is the universe’s way of telling us that this is worth trying.”

“That sounds far-fetched.” She hugged her arms around her, as if the motion would protect her from feeling any more emotions. Her eyes looked away, unable to look into his deep blue eyes and not yearn for him.

“Maybe. Maybe it is. But…you consume me, Lexi. I can’t ignore that. I dreamed of us. I dreamed of a baby, a child. We were so happy.” He reached for her, his fingers grazing her skin.

She felt a hot tear escape her eyes as she remembered the same dream. Laid out again on a picnic blanket, but this time with a toddler. He laid on his side, she laid with her head resting on his stomach as the child toddled towards them, wobbly and unsure, but smiling and happy. Bam retold the dream as if he’d been inside her own head.

“You know. You had it too, didn’t you?” He reached for her hand, taking it in his. Her non-response answered his question.

“I was so mad at you, Bam.” She sniffled as she fought back a sob, “I felt so much for you. I knew it was foolish….after one day. But then I saw you and her….you have no idea…how shitty that made me feel.”

He looked pained again, but nodded, letting her finish. His thumb rubbed the top of her hand the entire time.

“And then getting pregnant on top of all of that. My life has been a mess since I met you. And all I want is for that to stop.” a few more tears flowed down her cheeks.

“Let me help. Let me make it right, let me try, please.” He boldly reached up to her cheek with his thumb, wiping a tear track away. When she didn’t reject him, he slowly sank to his knees.

“I will do anything, anything if you’ll just give me a chance. GIves us a chance,” He took a big breath, letting a shaky one back out. He lifted his hand and placed it on her stomach, “Give this baby a chance.”

Suddenly she couldn’t remember her plans. The careful plan she’d figured for herself. It all blurred away. All she could see now was him, in front of her, begging for her love. She felt his hand against her belly, his touch igniting a realization inside her. She realized what she’d been fighting all this time. All the words of hatred she’d spewed was a lie, it was just her trying to convince herself of what she knew was true. She’d fallen in love with a man she’d known for 20 hours. Running was easy when she thought she couldn’t have him. But now here he was offering himself, risking humility and she couldn’t find one single iota of her being that wanted to run.

“You are crazy.” She bit her lip, overwhelmed, “What if…what if it doesn’t work.”

He looked down at the dirt for a moment, collecting himself before returning his gaze to her.

“Then we tried. And as for the baby. No matter what I will always be there for it. I’ll support you any way I can….even if we aren’t together.”

She knew a lot of guys said things like that, but not all of them followed through. But something about the sincerity in his voice, the mistiness in his eyes stifled her worry.

They walked out of the woods, back into the town a few minutes later, this time hand in hand. She felt emotionally raw. He gently spoke when he did speak to her, but mostly was silent, not wanting to push her too much. He watched as she placed her own hand on her stomach as they walked, rubbing it.

She realized she hadn’t done that at all since she’d found out she was pregnant. She never contemplated actually keeping it, having it, raising it. Even though her heart was a jumble, she had a feeling deep inside of her that surmised that indeed, everything would be alright.  Maybe he will care for her like he said. Maybe they will make a beautiful little family. Maybe this is the universe crashing them together for the sake of both of them. Maybe the universe was right after all.