#the fact that i am trans played a big role in this whole affair in deeply personal way that is mortifying tbh

[a-luran]

Holy shit thay is absolutely rotten behaviour. You should tell someone so they can go rock her shit because she needs it. A friend or colleague or anything, family, boss, random grandma, it literally doesn't matter but someone needs to go and have a word with her if yours won't work. You're not a coward, anyone would want to avoid that sort of interaction, I'd run from the entire building. That woman is fucking vile. I'm so sorry about this

i appreciate it. some of my friends know because they overheard and I explained. unfortunately there is not much to be done. the friends that do very deeply mind have been very helpful in listening to the details and helping me work out how to move past it. I would love to believe that one day she'll face some kind of consequence, if not for this then for her bigotted attitudes and her callousness towards other people but i really hold no illusions about what people see when they see her and how little people actually care to rock the boat.

[medicinanocturna]

Hi, I very much enjoyed your post on Pluto in synastry, and I have a question for you. I have an 8° Virgo Moon in the 7th house, which natally squares my Pluto by 4°. As you know, this means that my Moon also more or less squares the Pluto of anyone in my generation. What does this say about me and my relations to others? My Moon is ruled by (and trine) Mercury in 8° Scorpio in the 8th house and isn’t too afflicted, I’d say.

On a side note, there is a person in my life whose Moon exactly conjuncts mine and therefore also has a natal Moon square Pluto. So this is a double whammy not only natally but in synastry as well. I feel like he sees my soul and vice versa and I have truly never experienced someone so purely, like I can be my rawest self without judgment, so your writing truly resonated (I’ll probably deep dive into your blog after submitting this)

Hi, thank you for appreciating the article on the synastric Pluto! First, answering your question, it is worth mentioning that our relations with our peers are always karmic and it is not unusual that these relationships are difficult to work on. You probably have noticed that many of your peers are inclined to provoke similar experiences in you but with different intensity depending on the other aspects. Usually we can feel when someone is approximately of our biological age even though people can look very different. The big planets (the collective karma planets) are one reason for that. However (!) and this is VERY important... as I always highlight in my posts everything depends on the inner level of your personality. If you read my article about the Ascendant, you will know what I am talking about. The natal chart is a MAP, but it is NOT the territory itself. Even the twin sisters will have different levels of manifestation of many planets in their charts (especially the trans-Saturnian / generational planets)... Because they (likewise you and your peers) have different karmic debts, different incarnation missions, different soul gifts. As I mentioned in my article about the Pluto transits, its square aspect around the age of 38- 42 will clearly reveal the level of one's inner work in the sphere of Pluto, but it will be very different for all people that have this square at the same time. Pluto's main purpose it to keep us in line with our higher mission through transformations and cutting off what's not authentic to it. And as you can imagine, this level of work (and self- awareness!) is very different for everybody.

I too have my Moon sq my Pluto (not very close degree though) and besides the fact that it makes my Moon a bit Scorpionish (likewise yours), I also receive this aspect from all my peers. But not with all of those with whom I had some meaningful connections (either friendships or love affairs) I could feel the Plutonian work happening. And this, of course, depends on the whole chart and the role Pluto is playing there. With those who did have a sound position of Pluto in their chart, I could definitly feel all the "gifts" of passion, jealousy and power struggle. But I was young back then and I am not "aligned" with peer souls any longer (which also often happens when you are done with some of your karmic debts). People I share meaningful encounters with are either elder or younger (sometimes much younger) than I am right now. And Plutonian aspects from people whose Pluto is in the different sign feel stronger. Also, remember that Pluto is slow and deep. It is subtle, even though heavy. It takes time sometimes to register its actual effect.

So the same would go to you and your significant other who is intimately touching your Moon and both of you receive the Pluto's kiss ;) But I would suggest that you feel the Moon conjunction much much stronger. It is a good one! And since both of you have a similar character of this planet (same sign same aspect from Pluto) when together you don't feel it as much, because you both have it in yourself! OR as you said you feel each other very well because it feels like your own skin. (Unless you both are extremely different in terms of your inner level, i.e. different ages of your souls). It is like the fish doesn't know that she is in the water... but she would know what the other fishes feel.

I hope that answers some of your thoughts. And thank you for your note!

[lady-griffin]

Rub & Tug (Scarjo)

Obvious issues aside of Scarlett Johansson, a cis woman playing a trans man, the whole Rub & Tug is a fascinatingly bad decision and really does show the different standards in Hollywood.

Let’s go to why I am actually surprised she’s doing this role.

Simply because one of the biggest movies Scarlett Johansson just came off of recently was Ghost in the Shell. A movie I’d imagine she would want people to forget as soon as possible, due to the fact that it wasn’t exactly received well by critics and audiences and bombed big at the box office.

And on top of that, there was the huge controversy of her playing an Asian character and then in-text, playing an Asian woman inside a white ‘perfect’ robotic body.

So yikes.

I’d imagine you want to avoid a similar controversy, even if you personally don’t care about white-washing or trans issues. It’s just not good for your brand and seems like a dumb career move, in my opinion.

Made even dumber by the fact that the director of Rub & Tug is the same director of Ghost in the Shell. Why in the fuck would you choose to immediately work with him again? Like why?

The director, Rupert Sanders, really does show the different standards Hollywood can I have for white men (no shocker there).

From what I can tell, he is best known for two movies – Ghost in the Shell and Snow White and the Huntsman – two movies that did not exactly do well critically (not bombs, but not hits) and especially did not do well financially.

So, it’s amazing that he’s being picked up for Rub & Tug. Just amazing, like why in the world would you choose him?

If he was a woman or just a man of color, his career would more than likely be over and done with. Or he would have to work insanely hard to build himself up again, but nope.

Like so many other white male directors it seems like he gets an infinite number of tries (by Hollywood Standards).

 Rupert Sanders also is known for having an affair with Kristen Stewart, while he was married with kids, while that affair was a big stain in Kristen Stewart’s career and arguably is still affecting that, he seems to be doing just fine.

Though likely, he was kicked off the Huntsman solo movie, because apparently Charlize Theron is a close friend of his wife and likely refused to work with him. (but I don’t know that for a fact, so…)

  So main and obvious issues of Scarlett playing a transman aside, this just does not seem to be a smart move in any sense. 

And is just fascinating to me, as someone who studies Film & Television. 

I’m curious to see what will happen. 

[tatjanbe]

Swept Away

The sky is grey, as always at that time of the year. It is cold outside and the everblowing wind gently touches Lenny’s body. „Vienna… You’re a slow city. You're too tied to the past. [1]“, he thinks as he walks down the street. The buildings around him let him reminisce about the former glory of the city. „The glam is gone. Something is missing here nowadays. It’s O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E: Opulence! [2]“ He turns around the corner and stops. This is the house. Lenny was waiting so long for this moment. An invitation to this kind of ball was not something usual, especially not for a former pope. The high-rise next to him leaves him in its shadow. Behind a wall one could see the contour of the building. It is clean, it is rational, it doesn’t talk to its surroundings. Metaphorically, it symbolizes force, male fertility, masculine violence. [3] Lenny stares at the white geometrical facade. „Within modern, functionally differentiated society such unilateral control has become untenable. [4]“, Lenny whispers, „What a strange location for this kind of event.“ Moreover, it should seem strange that in a play performed in this same location, [5] all the many male roles remain subordinate, supporting rather than controlling the play’s action. [6]

Now there is only the wall that separates him from his final destination. In a sense, there are two systems coexisting, [7] one outside and one inside. He orbits the building while searching for the entry. „It is here that the possible, the dreamt, […] is staged. [8]“ Lenny hesitates but something drags him inside. While passing the threshold, the outside, unreal world was evolving toward its apocalypse. [9] Suddenly it was dark around him. He was waiting in the shadow of a tunnel and there would scarcely be a trace of Outside. [10]. Blackness swept back over him in an instant and a moment later the lighting system in the tunnel turned on. [11] Lenny walks toward the end where a doorman awaits him. „Well, Holy father first of all, a small piece of information of a practical and picturesque nature... Under the desk, on the right, you will find a button.“ [12], he says. „The house is already waiting for you.“

House: 

„I’m living in the space

I'm following your trace

Tell me what's going on

I'm gonna make you great

Girl are you air to see

Movin' it, come to me

Baby just come to me

Be what you want to be

Using your fantasy“ [15]

[1] The Young Pope

[2] Paris is Burning

[3] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968

[4] Schumacher, The Autopoiesis of Architecture Vol 2

[5] Senseney, The Art of Building in the Classical World Vision

[6] Shakespeare, Richard III

[7] Vee, Coding Literacy

[8] Buehlmann, Mathematics and Information in the Philosophy of Michel Serres

[9] Castells, The Power of Identity

[10] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology 

[11] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology

[12] The Young Pope

Strike a Pose

After entering Lenny was dazzled from the sudden bright light. A three sided entrance staircase welcomed him […], that led visitors to the entrance platform [1] Lenny goes up and looks around. He is standing at the very end of a big plaza like room, a room without a roof. When Lenny looks up the grey sky had vanished and there was only a bright blue and shining light. The space reminded him of a greek agora. The plaza is formed in an additive way, with the side arcades tipped up to form the space. [2] Young and old came streaming into it from the corners that configured it as an open place where people could congregate informally on the spur of the moment. [3] The forum was disposed with a view to its purpose and uses so that if there were many people the square would not be too small, but if there were only a few people it would not appear empty. [4] 

The inside of the house in no way resembled what Lenny has seen at his arrival. Contrary to the masculine and introverted appearance, the inside was open and light, opulent and beautiful. Viewed in isolation, the ornamentation of the Courts seems bizarre and extravagant. [5] Brilliant, clear and with deep toned shadows, it makes up the equilibrium of the whole by contrasting its variety with the pulpy softness of the female figure, glowing with all the charms of colour, bright, gleaming, mellow, full of all the voluptuous luxury of female charms rich and swelling. [6]  The orders are at once emblems of people of different gender and age, and the measure by which the building is laid out. [7]

Inside all kinds of creatures were tumbling, walking and crawling around. The inhabitants of the unknown worlds […], brutes with six fingers on each hand; fauns born from the worms that develop between the bark and the pulp of trees; sirens with scaly tails who seduce seamen; […] ass-centaurs, men to the navel and asses below; Cyclopes, each with a single eye the size of a shield; Scylla, with a girl’s head and bosom, a she-wolf’s belly, and a dolphin’s tail […] the cynocephali, who cannot say a word without barking; sciopods, who run swiftly on their single leg and when they want to take shelter from the sun stretch out and hold up their great foot like an umbrella; […] human bodies with heads of the most diverse animals … [8] The space in between the columns was occupied by artists of this theatre, arranged in six groups, which will process in the following order [9]: REALNESS, BEAUTY, RUNWAY, FASHION, SEX SIREN, VOGUE

House: 

„The category is: Royalty!“ [10]

The Plaza emptied itself and the crowd was cheering from the side. Only one body was left amidst, starting to perform a most intriguing show. Behind Lenny somme other figures were chatting:

House: 

„Welcome to the ball, Miquela!“

Miquela is singing:

„I miss what we used to be

Out every night in the streets

You hanging all over me

Acting like we royalty“ [11]

Octavia St. Laurent: 

„Come on now, it is a known fact that a woman do carry an evening bag at dinner time. There's no getting around that!“ [12]

Scylla:

„What exactly is a ball?“

Octavia St. Laurent: 

„Balls are a gathering of people who are not welcome to gather anywhere else.“ [13]

House:

„Brutality, intensity, great gentleness, extreme delicacy, extreme strength. [14] You are turning it on the runway!“

One of the Cyclopes turns to Lenny and asks: „Are you homosexual, Your Eminence?“ [15] Then he asks the house whether it actually considers itself to be a transgender person. [16] 

House:

„I am. Am I? Here the feminine is not just the yawning void of a non subjective body but signifies an inter/trans subjectivizing structure/encounter/space where potentially human subjects co emerge and co transform within a space of minimal difference. [17] I am belonging to neither of the binary categories, yet traversing both. [18]

[1] Leatherbarrow Eisenschmidt, Twentieth Century Architecture

[2] Eisenman, Written into the Void

[3] Casey, The World on Edge

[4] Williams, Daniele Barbaros Vitruvius of 1567

[5] Bergdoll Oechslin, Fragments Architecture and the Unfinished

[6] Harrison Wood Gaiger, Art in Theory 1648 1815

[7] Macarthur, The Picturesque

[8] Eco, The Name of the Rose

[9] Harrison Wood Gaiger, Art in Theory 1648 1815

[10] POSE

[11] Miquela, Hard Feelings

[12] Paris is Burning

[13] POSE

[14] Le Corbusier, Toward an Architecture

[15] The Young Pope

[16] Hovestadt Buehlmann, Quantum City

[17] Zajko, Laughing with Medusa

[18] Braidotti Hlavajova, Posthuman Glossary

Becoming Eve

Estranged by this conversation Lenny leaves the plaza. He walks onto a gallery that connects several chambers. The architectural decoration became increasingly extravagant to attract continued attention. [1] Dimensions stereotypically condemned as feminine, weak, or frivolous—pink, chintz, boudoir chairs—received validation. [2] Curious what’s behind, Lenny opens one of the doors and glances inside. It was a long rectangular room. [3] It was bright with sunshine, the walls were alive with decoration, the table was set, and the odor of the food was enticing. [4] In between closets clothes out of the most interesting fabrics were lying around and two women were getting dressed. Makeup and female smells combine to generate a softness that bewitches and exhausts. [5] Lenny spots one of the Sirens, whose alluring beauty already seduced him at the Plaza.

Siren:

„“You think I just woke up one day and poof, I look like this? No. It takes work, drive, sacrifice to be a woman.” [6]

Lady Gaga:

„Generations of women have been told by advertisements, films, and parents that the natural female body requires enhancement and adornment to be truly feminine. [7] I portray myself in a very androgynous way and I love androgyny.“ [8]

The Siren turns around and looks Lenny in the eyes. Out of excitement she bursts out of the room and starts to run outside of the building. Lenny follows her. A garden more inviting than Eden would then meet the eye, and springs of joy murmur on every side. [9] He has never seen something so beautiful. It remembers the Garden of Eden, the sufficient paradise, land of milk and honey, and the desert where manna fell from heaven, and the hut where pitchers, as though they were springs, poured forth their contents. [10] There are trees not similar to any we know, but trees of life, of immortality, of knowledge, of apprehension, of understanding, and of the conception of good and evil. [11] Lenny starts looking for the Siren. He has a feeling inside of him, one that he had never had before, one that he could not fight anymore. He cultivates only flowers that are real but seem artificial, has abnormal love affairs, inflames his imagination with drugs, prefers imaginary journeys to real ones, enjoys late medieval texts written in effete and sonorous Latin, and composes symphonies of liquors and perfumes, transferring the sensations of hearing to those of taste and smell; in other words he constructs a life made up of artificial sensations, in an equally artificial environment in which nature, rather than being recreated, as happens in works of art, is at once imitated and negated, re elaborated, languid, disquieting, sick... [12] Suddenly he spots her behind one of the trees. For him she is sex, absolute sex, no less. [13] Lenny runs to her and they fall into their arms. Such pleasure took he to behold this flowery plat, the sweet recess of Eve thus early, thus alone; her heavenly form angelic, but more soft, and feminine, her graceful innocence, her every air of gesture or least action overawed; his malice, and with rapine sweet bereaved; his fierceness of the fierce intent it brought: That space the evil one abstracted stood from his own evil, and for the time remained stupidly good, of enmity disarmed, of guile, of hate, of envy, of revenge; but the hot hell that always in him burns. [14] Such sex could be cosmic, or Dionysian, or unquestionably weird. [15] 

Lenny:

„Laymen always think we priests are scandalized by even the slightest things, whereas the truth is the exact opposite. We are never scandalized, no profession has to deal with sin on such a continual basis as ours. The confessional is our operating room. Just as surgeons have no fear of blood so we priests are no longer afraid of scandal and sin.“ [16]

Siren:

„If Adam and Eve never left the Garden of Eden they would have not become human beings.“ [17]

[1] Bonnemaison Macy, Festival Architecture

[2] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968

[3] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology

[4] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology

[5] Calasso, The Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony 

[6] POSE

[7] Zimring, Encyclopedia of Consumption and Waste

[8] Braidotti Hlavajova, Posthuman Glossary

[9] Wollstonecraft, Complete Works

[10] Serres, The Five Senses

[11] Voegelin, Order and History 4

[12] Eco, On Beauty A History of a Western Idea

[13] Rendell Penner Borden, Gender Space Architecture

[14] Milton, Paradise Lost

[15] Davis, High Weirdness

[16] The Young Pope

[17] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Coding as Literacy

Having a Ball

Lenny and the Siren enter the house again. Suddenly it was very quiet and they wondered where all the other beings had disappeared. A gentle wind blows through the window, it has become night. Through a majestic door they enter into the main hall, the ballroom, located underneath the Plaza. The stellar pattern of the floor recalls a type of medieval cosmological patterns. [1] The floral theme alluded to the association with the women of the house. [2] We here move to a space in which what matters is a process of subtle becoming other: of gradually dissolving traits of being standardly male as these give way to certain accustomed ways of being female, and vice versa; the same ambiguity obtains for the dyad of human/animal. [3] Useless luxury; ostentatious luxury; wastefully excessive luxury. [4] Observe that part of a beautiful woman where she is perhaps the most beautiful, about the neck and breasts; the smoothness; the softness; the easy and insensible swell; the variety of the surface, which is never for the smallest space the same; the deceitful maze, through which the unsteady eye slides giddily, without knowing where to fix, or whither it is carried. [5] Such was the appearance of the ballroom.

House: 

„And now for the next category: Bizarre!“

Everybody gathered in the hall to view the continuance of the spectacle. Perhaps it is a riot, a party, a free space, an invisible space, a non space, a commonplace. [6] Possessing ‘realness’   being able to pass for something you are not was the highest form of praise amongst competitors at the balls, yet the scene also explicitly signals that identities involve performative acts, and little more than that, and therefore might be thought to be hardly real at all. [7] 

House: 

„Thank you, but that’s a chop!“

Lenny seemed at ease with the mix of men who have sex with men and a few women—transgender and those assigned female at birth. [8] Gesticulating bodies form a chain with clothes as a second skin, regulated by the gestures of fashion which play a role in the marking and disguising of sex differences. [9] While the performance was ongoing, the house started speaking to Lenny.

House:

„In Rome, boys played the role of women on stage in a context read as witty, poetic and intellectually playful; the descent of the players into the audience for general dancing as the performance finished brought the literary figure of polymorphous sexuality into the social orbit.“ [10]

Lenny:

„ In ancient Greece, everyday situations and encounters with the gods offered many such occasions. [11] But we have forgotten. We have forgotten to masturbate to use contraceptive to get abortions to celebrate gay marriages to allow priests to love each other, and even to get married. We've forgotten that we can decide to die if you detest living, we've forgotten to have sexual relations for purposes other than procreation without feeling guilty! To divorce, to let nuns say mass to make babies in all the ways science has discovered and will continue to discover. In short my dear, dear children not only have we forgotten to play we have forgotten to be happy.“ [12]

Lenny is aroused, he puts down his robe and goes onto the stage. The dance with unfolding matter takes place inside of him. [13]

House: 

„May you, once a day, in order to cool it down, forget your culture, your language, your nation, your dwelling place, your village’s soccer team, even your sex and your religion, in short, the thickness of your enclosures.“ [14]

[1] Costelloe, The Sublime

[2] Blackwell, Nineteenth Century Architecture

[3] Casey, The World on Edge

[4] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology

[5] Grillner, Ramble Linger and Gaze

[6] Braidotti Hlavajova, Posthuman Glossary

[7] Burrows, Fictioning

[8] Allen, Ivenceremos the Erotics of Black Selfmaking in Cuba

[9] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968

[10] Gillgren, Performativity and Performance in Baroque Rome

[11] Kittler, The Truth of the Technological World

[12] The Young Pope

[13] Braidotti Hlavajova, Posthuman Glossary

[14] Buehlmann, Mathematics and Information in the Philosophy of Michel Serres

[transamorousnetwork]

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Editor's note: In this series, we'll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone's privacy and this letter, from a person in Russia who doesn't speak English, has been edited for clarity:

Hi there! Been loving the podcast, which I just discovered...

I have a question, and it feels very uncomfortable to ask as I continue to learn about the complexity involved with trans women and how they transition and the sensitivity around their bodies and not wanting to offend them with stupid or possibly offensive questions...

I'm embarking on my first relationship with a trans woman...we met online and have been hitting it off...we were doing video chat the other night and I noticed for the first time a "5 o clock shadow" in the shape of a goatee on her face. Im doing everything intellectually to try and not judge, or feel anything about her is "lesser," but I can't help but feel a loss of attraction. Im also now struggling with my own journey because although I have been with a trans woman before and im very attracted to trans women, I fear my expectations around appearance are totally warped based on pornography...and now i'm worried about who and what i am actually attracted to and what this all means.

Thank you for having this forum and allowing me to be honest. Again im not trying to be judgmental; I am just having a real emotional struggle around what I saw and how I am supposed to feel about it. Any encouraging words...or you can give me tough love and put me in my place...would be much appreciated:)

Thank you.

Warmly,

Clayton

Hi Clayton,

This is Perry from The Transamorous Network. What a great email you sent. I’m going to explain why, then I’ll get to your question/comment/concern. I’m going to respond thoroughly to it, so this email will probably be a bit long. Just think of it that you’re getting your money’s worth 😂

Sounds like you’ve watched or listened to some of our interviews on our podcast or YouTube channel, so you have some idea where we come from. Where we come from can benefit anyone, but some aren’t ready for what we offer. That said…let’s start with how great your email is.

The fact that you’re willing to challenge your knee-jerk reaction to what you saw is so great. Most of the time, when a person has a belief confrontation (a belief or story that reality “confronts” or offers counterfactual data in the “face” of the story) that person usually will react to the emotion instead of what’s causing the emotion. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what emotions are for (the vast majority of people don’t) but the fact that you’re challenging your initial feelings is a great indicator.

That you’re clear enough to write it down without defending how you feel, or more importantly, the story you’re telling, means you’re open to creating and then holding onto a better story. One that will, over time, create realities consistent with it rather than the stories responsible for the reality you now are experiencing.

So, this is why I said your email is great. You’re open. That’s half most of the battle. 😊

So here’s the thing about trans women: like you, they are going through a transition. That means, there will be times when they may appear more like they’d rather not appear than how they want to appear. Unlike any photo, or movie (doesn’t matter if it’s porn) or any relationship you see on the street that you’re not a part of, you are in this person’s unfolding life experience. So you are seeing all that she wants you to see….and all that she doesn’t necessarily want you to see.

How you respond to that in a large way will determine how she feels, then reacts to, her emotions/thoughts/stories about herself, then about you, about men (I know that’s unfair), about relationships, and about life. So you play a big role in this person’s life.

This is a big part of what we show our clients. You aren’t playing the biggest role in her life (she is) but you are playing the biggest role in your life, with her playing a subordinate role in yours.

In other words, you both are participating in creating the experience each of you are having. This is important background.

We tell our clients the following: when you first meet someone, you are a complete match to that person. If you remain in the feeling-place you were in when you first met that person, your relationship will unfold wonderfully. Most people can’t do that though.

Most people start allowing old stories to get activated, just like you’re doing here. We talk about story or belief “constellations”: a web of related stories one has, over time, fused with their attention. So at the slightest provocation, they get activated and when they do, it’s hard for someone who doesn’t know what we offer to do anything other than go along with the behavior pattern associated with that constellation.

In a situation such as what you’re experiencing, usually a guy will feel what you felt after seeing her with facial hair, activate his old stories about what "women" and “men” “are”, and what they’re not, what they have, and what they don’t, how they look and how they don’t look…even though, for example, there are PLENTY of non-trans women with facial hair!

Then they’ll activate stories about themselves: about who they are and who they’re not, about what they are and what they’re not, they’ll entertain "what if" stories about being out with such a person, being seen with such a person, and THE STORIES THAT WOULD GET TRIGGERED ABOUT THEMSELVES WHEN IN THOSE SITUATIONS….even though those situations aren’t happening, and don’t have to happen.

Faced with too much negative emotion and not knowing what that means, the guy, the usual guy, will ghost the trans woman. Or pretend to still be interested, but over time fade away. Or they’ll abruptly leave the woman with no explanation, or a bogus one.

Does all this seem logical? It should, because it happens all the time, which is why trans women have so many bitter stories they tell all over social media. Trans women aren't the only people subjected to such behavior. It’s universal.

Here’s the thing about the person you are “embarking on” a relationship with: when you first met her you were “hitting it off”. Now, you get to see and experience stories you have that will put the kibosh on this good thing you have if you continue putting energy into them. Your stories create your reality. Getting to see these stories is fantastic, if you know what to do about them, because if you didn’t know they were there, you couldn’t do anything about them. So this whole affair is a GOOD THING.

Although it usually isn’t thought of this way, “attraction” is an emotion. You felt that emotion because you were telling stories consistent with feeling that way. Now, after getting data that was, still is and is supposed to be helpful (data = the 5 O'clock shadow) you are no longer feeling attraction. That means you have activated a whole host of different stories (a constellation) about all the conditions of your relationships (and more) that if they happen, will be unsatisfactory to you.

The thing is, you are love in a body. But that love you are is UNCONDITIONAL. You feel love for others because that is what you are. But when you tell stories inconsistent with who you know yourself to be, you feel other than what you are (love). This is the work of a human: coming into synch with what they are.

When you get there (and you can) your love for others becomes unconditional. Even if they have a 5 O'clock shadow, you love them no matter what. It doesn’t mean you have to be with them, which I’ll get to in a moment when I talk about your expectations.

You can be with this person no matter how they look “right now” because “right now” is on a continuum of “becoming more and better”. She’s going to get better and better looking as she continues her journey. Along the way, you get to play a role. The question is, what role are you going to play? You don’t have to play one. Which leads me right to your expectations. (No tough love coming 😊)

You have expectations because they’re supposed to be met. Every one is supposed to be fulfilled. But that doesn’t necessarily mean instantly. Nor can they be met if you aren’t a match to them.

For example, let’s say you want a trans woman who looks like the girls you see in porn flicks: mostly feminine looking, “passable” and with a penis (I’m not saying that’s what you want, I’m just giving an example). But let’s say you don’t want a porn star, you want a trans woman who is professional and successful but looks like a porn star. Professional like a lawyer, or an accountant or something.

That trans woman, your ideal, is not going to tolerate someone who feels insecurity and fear about what others think about them. She’s not going to be ok with someone who is trepidatious about their own sexuality just because he likes sucking dick.

So listen, your expectations are meant to be fulfilled. But you must first become a match to the type of person you expect! If you’re not a match, you’re not going to meet them.

How do you know if you’re a match? Look at your now and what and who is in it. And who you’re being. It’s very easy to tell. And again, expectations will not be fulfilled instantly like magic. That’s not how life works. It’s gradual, it’s a process. Just like your friend’s transition is a process.

So what if she has a 5 O'clock shadow sometimes? Sometimes she doesn’t. Probably most times she doesn’t. Tell stories about how good she looks when she doesn’t and focus on those stories and watch how you find herself together with her more when she doesn’t have a 5 O'clock shadow than when she does.

Or, you’ll meet eventually a trans woman who is further along in her transition and thus more of a match to your 5-O'clock-shadow expectations. But remember what I wrote above about how expectations work: you first must become a match to them before they fulfill themselves.

Now, about judgement. Judgement gets a bad wrap by most everyone. But life experience is designed so that you get to choose what you want from what you don’t want. You do that by judging. So don’t besmirch your judgments. Just be aware of how you feel when you judge so you can tune your judging so you get what you judge you want instead of more of what you’re judging. How you do that is what I show my clients and is too complex to share here.

Anyway, you’re doing fine no matter what you decide about this situation. You clearly have more sensitivity to what’s going on inside you than most. Don’t be hard on yourself, and, above all, don’t think that trans women are scarce and that you MUST make this relationship work because they’re so hard to find. That’s the biggest story that trips up so many trans attracted guys, besides fearing what they are because they find themselves attracted to trans women.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

TTN