#the facial hair options are sooo bad

[bearlytolerant]

Mtas Delgado or Delgado from wish

@fangbangerghoul come get your man

[magicrowiswritingstuff]

“Not so good News” - Gabriel x pregnant!reader (2/3)

Part 1 | Part 2 (you’re here) | Part 3

Summary: Part 2 of "Not so good News"! Read the first part HERE. After you had received the news of your pregnancy you feel rather conflicted. On one hand you want this child to live but on the other hand this also means you will die giving birth. Your only option is to enjoy the time you have left with the people you love, forcing your dark thoughts to the back of your head. (F/N) means friend’s name.

Warning: dark thoughts/themes, suggestive themes, heavy angst, swear words, death

Category: angst and fluff, even more angst

Words: about 10.000

Note 1: So it’s finally done… however, because the sequel got so long I decided to split this series into three parts. So this is the second and the last one will be up next weekend (hopefully). Note 2: Also… I finished season 13 (SPOILERS! ahead). Sooo, I guess he’s alive… or at least was. I normally try to avoid spoilers of any kind but after the last episode of season 13 I had to look if he pranked us yet again so I looked up if he would return in any future episodes. NO. Okay, I guess. Doesn’t bother me, not at all. Naaaahh. I’m juts gonna go and … cry in my room now… so yeah. Enjoy my piece of writing.

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"Not so good News" Gabriel x pregnant!reader

Pregnancy Week 4: "You really shouldn't do so much physical labor, sugar" Gabriel commented as he leaned against the side of your car with his arms crossed before his chest. You only huffed, rolled your eyes and continued getting rid of all the blood on the driver's seat of your car. Of course it wasn't easy work, it was hard even because the blood stains were already a day old and dry. But it was your blood and your car and you wanted to clean it. You wanted to do something after receiving the ... news. You needed to occupy your mind. Groaning you grabbed the dishwashing detergent-water mixture and dipped the sponge in it rather aggressively. Muttering under your breath you got back to work. All of this pissed you off. The blood stains, your condition ...this pregnancy. This wasn't how you imagined your life to go or end even. You knew the life of a hunter was dangerous but you always thought that if you wouldn't grow old you would be killed on a hunt ... not after being trapped in the bunker for nine months. This just didn't seem real, it wasn't fair. You scrubbed the car seat over and over again even though the blood was long gone on this spot. This wasn't fair. "(Y/N)." "What?!" you snapped and turned around to face the archangel, steaming with fury and anger. But the moment you met his worried eyes the rage inside of you vanished and was replaced by guilt. By guilt and by anger directed at yourself. Your mood swings were ... you were hurting others again. The sponge fell from your hands and to the ground just like you did too. With your face buried in your hands you sank down, leaning against the car and sobbed. Tears were streaming down your face as sharp cries tore through your throat. This was too much, it was all too much. You didn't want this, not like that. You didn't want to hurt him just because you had no idea what you were supposed to do with your anger. This wasn't fair to him. This wasn’t fair. You felt him beside you, hugging you but you couldn't react. You were horrible. You weren’t fair to him. "Baby ... honey, please. It's alright, you're alright" he whispered into your ear as he pulled you on his lap. Immediately you buried your face into his chest, clawed at his shirt and pressed yourself against him. No. This was all wrong. Wasn't it supposed to be magical? Wasn't it supposed to be great news?! You should cry tears of joy not sadness and anger. This was all wrong. "No" you hiccupped and shook your head. "I'm not alright." You would die. Your days were numbered and you would only live to count them every day. This is not fair. Gabriel grabbed your shoulders and carefully pushed you away so he could look at your face. Whipping away your tears you looked to your side, unable to meet his eyes. But he cupped your cheeks lovingly and directed your gaze back at him. He searched your face for something, a hint. He seemed so worried. It broke your heart. You bit back another sob. "What do you mean?" he asked and pushed back a hair strand that had fallen in your face. "I know this won't end well" you admitted. "I know I will die." The eyes of the archangel widen in shook. Didn't he know? Was he surprised at the news? Maybe it wasn't true? Maybe you wouldn't have to die?

"How do you know this?" You gulped, all the hope you had dared to feel vanished in an instance as you pried off his hands from your face. Slipping off of his lap you curled up with your knees pressed against your chest. "I researched everything about angels, I questioned Cas about everything even before I met you" you said and looked up again, locked eyes with him again. His honey-colored orbs were filled with worry, he was looking at you like this ever since he had found you in your car, almost bleeding to death. You hurt him. Him seeing you so beaten had hurt him. Grabbing his hand you squeezed it out of instinct. "I always knew about the risks of sleeping with you, of unwantedly getting pregnant" you started. "I just never thought it would happen." Immediately you were trapped in another tight hug.

"I'm sorry."

"No!" you yelped and wrapped your arms tightly around him, too. "Don't be sorry! It's not your fault. Sometimes just shit happens." You pressed yourself against him, hugged him so tightly like a baby koala its mother. This wasn't his fault. It wasn't yours either. It was just bad luck, unfortunate, maybe not fair but you would have to live with it. And you wouldn't let that child feel the consequences of this unlucky situation. This child would live and be happy … without you.

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Pregnancy Week 5: Whenever someone would ask you how you were, how you felt you always lied. You always answered with "fine" like it was expected of you. But if you were to be honest you would said you were unhappy, sad, discouraged and miserable even. You felt awful. And your pregnancy symptoms didn't help that either. When you were alone, when you would retreat into your room, your safe zone, you could never hold back the tears. Gabriel wasn't in your room that often since he was an archangel and didn't really need to sleep. He still lied beside you at night and hold you but you would cry more during the day and then pass out at night in his arms. So you lied on your bed all day and just cried until you had no tears left. No one seemed to notice the red in your eyes or the rings under them, the tiredness in every muscle or the emptiness in your facial expressions. Or if they did they didn't dare to address it.

You felt nauseous almost all day, too. You smelled Dean's unholy food and you were ready to throw up again. You smelled your half cup of coffee and you were ready to throw up again. But you needed that coffee. You had reduced it but without it you were unable to wake up. Not that you were very active anyway but it helped a little. You felt ill, like an empty shell of your former self.

"(Y/N)?"

You slowly rolled over so you could look at the door to your room. The worried, honey eyes of Gabriel met your tired ones. Hastily you wiped away the last tears still clinging to your skin and sat up, your blanket still tightly wrapped around you.

"What's up?" you asked, trying to sound happy and energetic even if it made you cringe internally.

"You don't have to pretend" he said and walked towards the bed. You didn't even try to come up with a lie or continue with the act and just flopped back down on the mattress, while pulling the blanket over your head, hiding your teary face from him. You felt the bed dip beside you.

"(Y/N). Please talk to me, sugar" he begged as you felt his hand on your shoulder. Slowly he pushed the blanket from your face, revealing fresh tears that had escaped from your eyes as you helplessly looked at him. A bagging glance, bagging for him to do something you didn’t even know about. Bagging for help of any sort.

"I can't, Gabe" you hiccupped. "I don't know- what am I supposed to tell you? That I'm a mess? That I can't handle this? That I don't even have enough energy to leave the bed at all?" Pressing the palms of your hands against your eyes you forcefully tried to bite back your sobs.

"What do you want to hear, Gabe?" you cried and rolled over so you wouldn't have to face the archangel no more. But before you knew it you felt his arms wrapped around you as he pressed your back against him. The warmth radiating from him soothed you instantly so your sobs were slowly reduced to the occasional hiccup.

"Just tell me that you're hurting. Tell me that you aren't fine. Tell me how I can help you" Gabriel said, pressing his face in your hair. With a sigh you turned around to face him again, not bothering to wipe away the tears this time.

"I don't know, Gabriel" you began. "I don't even know what I can do."

"There has to be something that can help you, even if it's just for a little while."

You closed your eyes and buried your face in his neck. "Just hold me for now."

The next time you opened your eyes the room was dark and the bed cold. At first you just stayed put, with your eyes open and darting around. You wouldn't fall asleep for a while you knew so much. So you sat up, rubbed your eyes and looked around but Gabriel was nowhere to be seen. With a silent groan you wrapped your blanket around you and stood up. Opening the door you listened for any sounds but the bunker stayed silent. Nevertheless you decided to sneak until you had reached the library which was also abandoned and dark. Sitting down on a chair you turned on one of the lamps on the desk and grabbed your laptop. You had this idea in your head for some days now but still you hesitated for a second before eventually pressing the record button. Your empty eyes blinked at you and for a while you just stared right back.

"Hey, baby" you finally said with the tiniest smile on your lips. Pushing back some of your hair you fumbled with your next words. "You probably don't know who I am" you glanced to your side before directing your eyes back to the screen.

"I'm your mother."

You stayed silent for a solid minute after that, just blinking at your reflection.

"I wished I knew what you look like" you began without thinking. "I bet you have Gabe's warm eyes." Shaking your head you put your face into your hands. "What am I doing?" you whispered.

Looking up again you forced a smile on your lips even though you felt your eyes water.

"I love you, baby." You stopped the recording after that and closed your laptop. Hugging your knees against your chest you stared at the desk in front of you.

You heard his steps approach you before you heard his voice.

"(Y/N)?"

Slowly turning around you spotted Sam in the doorway. "Are you alright?"

You considered to lie, to tell him that you were fine and just couldn't sleep anymore. But instead you shook your head. "No-o" you croaked out and stretched out your arms towards him. Sam scooped you up into his arms, hugging you tightly. You couldn't pretend any longer.

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Pregnancy Week 6: Your mood was slowly improving ever since you had decided to stop lying about your feelings. Sometimes you still felt overwhelmed and down however you tried to change that. You didn't have much time and that was a fact so you should enjoy your last months as far as possible. However, this didn't mean you would magically forget every dark and worrying thought.

Your mood swings were slowly decreasing but you still felt nauseous or dizzy from time to time and by now your stomach also felt a little hard and if you squinted you imagined you had already gained a little volume. That didn't really bother you though since it was to be expected. But what annoyed you was that your breasts had begun to hurtfully span. It was an unpleasant continuous ache that drove you nuts. Why did nobody warn you about this? You groaned as you lied in bed and pressed them down a little, trying to release some of the pain.

"If you want to be touched you just have to say so."

Startled you jumped a little as you looked at Gabriel entering your room, a sly grin on his lips as he slowly approached you. You snorted and slapped his hands away when he sat down beside you.

"That's not it, you featherbrain. They just hurt like hell" you explained and crossed your arms before your chest. The archangel huffed with a sulky expression before his grin returned. Before you could react he was already leaning over you, pinning you to the bed.

"I can help you with pain relief, too."

Snorting you decided to play along.

"Oh and how would you do that, Doctor Gabe?" His grin only grew at your response.

"At first I would ask you were exactly you are hurting" he said while snuggling his face into your neck, leaving behind feather-light kisses. You giggled and pressed your hands against his chest, lifting him from you.

"I can tell you: It's definitely not there."

The archangel hummed and nodded. "Maybe there then?" He began to kiss up your neck to your ear, making you giggle even more. "Sto-op, that tickles. An-and you have to go lower anyway."

"Lower, you say?" he asked and looked down at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes. You nodded with your face growing hot.

"For now, I need you right there." You wrapped your arms around his neck and brought him down to meet your lips. It neither was a demanding kiss nor really a kiss that had to lead to more but it still was a heated one, a passionate one. You realized that since you had got the news about your pregnancy you hadn't kissed him. You subconscious had begun to avoid physical affection apart from the occasional hug. Immediately you felt tears spring into your eyes and a soft sob left your lips which led Gabriel to interrupt the kiss. Worried he glanced down at you and cupped your cheeks.

"What's wrong? Did I overdo it? Do you need something?" he sounded paranoid. With tears still streaming down your face you shook your head while laughing.

"No, it's just those stupid pregnancy hormones" you said between sobs and giggles. A relieved sigh left Gabriel's lips as he wiped away your tears.

"Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry" you laughed, covering your mouth with your hands. "But I can't control it."

The archangel shook his head before lying down beside you. With a small smile he heaved you onto his chest, drawing small circles on your back while you tried to calm down again.

"Sorry for destroying the mood" you whispered after a while.

"We can always pick back up where we left off" Gabriel suggested and wiggled his eyebrows. You let out a small laugh again and slapped his shoulder playfully.

"Maybe later."

Gabriel shrugged as far as possible while lying on the bed. After that no one spoke up again and as you slowly drifted off you realized that you hadn't felt so relaxed in weeks.

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Pregnancy week 7: "What?!" Your angry voice echoed through the bunker as you slammed your hands down on the table in front of you. With twitchy eyes you stared at the four men who were set to go on another hunt. Nothing unusual, nothing to be angry about however the news they just gave you were a completely different story.

"I'm not staying in the bunker while you go out hunting!" you declared and crossed your arms before your chest, furiously glaring at them.

"It's too risky" Sam began.

"We won't have a discussion about this" Dean continued while Castiel only nodded, not daring to also speak up with your heated temper. Your eyes narrowed as they wandered towards Gabriel. Raising one eyebrow you waited for his response.

"(Y/N), they're right."

Your mouth fell open. You at least had expected for him to have your back.

"I'm pregnant, not useless!" you finally spat back.

"It's not about being useless!" the archangel raged back, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "It's about keeping you and the baby safe. Can't you see that?"

The sudden energy you had felt because of the anger suddenly vanished and you slumped back onto the chair. You looked away to the side with your arms still crossed before you, searching for the right words.

"I understand that" you began with your voice flat, still not looking at anyone. The bunker was the safest place on earth and since every other angel wanted you dead you knew you shouldn't leave. "But I can't stay here for the rest of my life."

You only had about eight months left and you wouldn't spend them locked away where it was 'safer' for you. You wanted to live as long as you were still able to.

"For the rest of your life?" Dean asked baffled and when you turned around to look at them you also saw Sam's confused look. You only had to share one glance with Gabriel and Castiel to understand that the Winchesters didn't know it yet. You gulped and directed your gaze back at the two brothers.

"I'm dying."

Maybe you should have found better words for it but there was no use in sugarcoating it anyway. Immediately after those words had left your mouth you saw utter horror fill the eyes of Sam and Dean.

"You what?!" the older brother yelped while Sam stayed quiet. You could see the battle in his mind though. Nodding you sighed and let your arms dangle down. Out of instinct they found their place on your stomach which had grown a little over the week.

"If a human gets pregnant with an angel's child... they die while giving birth to the Nephilim" you explained with your gaze stubbornly directed to the ground. Biting your lip you clenched your eyes shut.

'Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!'

you silently begged.

"Since when did you know?" You looked up again to meet Sam's sad and terrified eyes. You slumped back down and shrugged.

"Pretty much since... ever? Castiel told me a lot about heaven and angels early on" you explained. Dean glanced at Castiel for clarification.

"It's true, Dean" the angel sadly confirmed. The older brother's eyes wandered back to you and then to Gabriel. Even from your seat you could almost feel the furious heat in Dean's eyes.

"You knew it too, didn't you?" he asked the archangel who opened his mouth to answer but Dean wasn't finished yet. "You knew she would die if she ever got pregnant and you still decided to have sex with her?!"

You flinched by Dean's sharp tone and then immediately jumped up from your seat to run around the table and stand between the archangel and the angry Winchester with your arms stretched out to uphold some distance.

"Stop" you ordered with your gaze fixed on Dean. Taken a back he took one step back. "I knew about it too, Dean and I made the conscious decision to have sex anyway. If you want to blame him” you turned around to face him fully and put your hands over each other on your chest, pointing at yourself. “Then you have to blame me, too."

Sam put one hand on Dean's shoulder who shook his head in disappointment. "You're both fucking stupid." He freed himself from Sam and walked out of the library without another word. Defeated you let your arms fall down to your sides.

Sam, Dean and Cas left the bunker the next day, leaving you and Gabriel behind even though they would have been grateful for the archangels help but Dean couldn't look either of you in the eyes. Sam and Cas at least had said good bye even though you knew that Sam felt betrayed, too.

You sat on the sofa in the library, again with your blanket wrapped around you and a bucket on your lap. You had woken up with severe morning sickness and even though you doubted you could really throw up -only dry heaves tore through your throat from time to time- you didn't dare to go anywhere without the bucket today. You were just too exhausted to clean it up later if something should happen.

"Are you feeling alright?"

You turned your head around to look at Gabriel leaning against the back of the coach. You shook your head and let yourself fall back against the cushions. "No, I hate this. I need hugs."

Demandingly you stretched out your arms without another word. Gabriel chuckled and walked around the couch. He put the bucket on the floor beside the sofa and lied down. You flopped down onto him and wrapped your arms around him.

"You got pretty clingy since you're pregnant" the archangel stated.

"Shut up, it's the hormones."

You felt his laughter vibrate against your chest as he began to play with your hair. You didn't tell him that you feared your end and the future of your child. A future you wouldn't be a part of. This was never how you imagined it to go when you were little. You had dreamed of the perfect little family like everyone else. You had never imagined to end up with an archangel either so ... maybe you were doomed from the very beginning. You knew you would die so you wanted to spend as much time as you could with Gabe, Cas, Sam and Dean when you couldn’t spend time with your child. Sighing you closed your eyes. You hoped Dean wouldn't stay mad at you for long.

You slightly sat up, holding your upper body upright with your arms which were placed to either side of Gabriel so you could look him in the eyes. He raised one eyebrow at you in question and for a few moments you just stared right back at him until you felt your cheeks growing hot under his gaze.

"I love you" you mumbled with a faint smile on your lips which he immediately returned.

"I love you too, sweetcheeks."

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Pregnancy week 8: You sat before your laptop again, staring at you through the screen. With a huff you pressed record before you could retreat again.

"Hello, baby" you started with a tired smile. The night before you hadn't slept well and in the morning you always felt rather sick nowadays. Nevertheless you didn't want to delay it again.

"I would love to know what you did today. Tell me if Dean didn't want to teach you how to fight and I will haunt him." You chuckled. Even though you wouldn't be there for your child you kind of guessed they would want to be a hunter. How could you not want to if you knew about everything that was lurking outside? Especially when you were living with the Winchesters on top of that. And you also knew that Dean probably would strive against teaching them at first. You shook your head and continued to talk to the screen for a few minutes more. You didn't even really know about what. What were you supposed to tell them? You would never get to know them. You would never know what they liked.

"Mom loves you, baby" you finished before your eyes could get teary again, waved into the camera before stopping the recording.

With a sigh you stood up and left your room. You had to find Dean and at best with Sam. They had returned from the hunt a few days ago in which Dean hadn't talked to you at all. Sam did talk to you after your reveal however you noticed that he too grew a little distant. You walked through the many corridors of the bunker and finally found the two brothers in the kitchen, sitting on the table. You froze in the doorway when Dean's eyes met yours before he quickly looked away again. He was still angry. Sam kept looking at you and even threw you a little smile though you could tell it was rather forced.

"Hey, Sam" you said quietly, sat down beside him and directed your gaze to the older brother. "Hey, Dean."

He didn't respond and kept staring at something over your shoulder.

"Dean, please" you began. "Please stop ignoring me." You felt tears swelling in your eyes and a sob tearing through your throat. "I don't want to die knowing you hate me."

Dean stood up so sudden that you flinched. Looking up you met his furious stare. "I don't hate you" he said. "But I can't believe you were so stupid. Are so stupid!"

"Dean" Sam warned with a serious glare.

"You knew you could get pregnant and die. And still!" he didn't finish his thoughts but he didn't have to.

"I knew the risks" you defended yourself and wrapped your arms around you in a protective manner.

"But we didn't! Maybe you had prepared yourself for this case but Sam and I..." Dean faltered. "We just now have to come to terms with the fact that we will lose you soon."

You bit your lip and turned away. Squeezing your eyes shut you tried to force back the tears but you were unsuccessful. Sobbing violently you buried your face in your hands.

"I'm afraid, Dean. I don't want to die" you confessed.

"But I especially don't want to leave this world when you two are still mad at me. This child" you put one hand on your stomach. "My child will need you two when I can't be there."

Suddenly you felt two arms wrapped around you and at first you thought they were Sam's but when you looked up slightly you saw that it was Dean hugging you. He mumbled something you weren't able to hear properly, so you just returned the hug, clinging onto him.

"You're so stupid" Dean now properly said but not in an accusing manner. You laughed shallow, whipping away your tears.

"Thanks."

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Pregnancy week 12: You looked at yourself in the mirror with your hands placed on your stomach which already had a small but still quite obvious bump. The baby should have the size of a plum now however you already gained about two pounds of weight. Slowly you stroke over your bump. You weren't able to feel any movement yet but somehow you couldn't stop hugging your unborn child. Maybe because this was the closest you would ever be with them.

You looked up from your reflection to see Gabriel leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed before his chest. You turned your head to meet his gaze and raised one eyebrow in question. "What's up?"

He only shook his head with a smile and walked towards you, wrapping his arms around your middle to rest his hands on the small bump. With a smile you leaned against him and placed your hands on top of yours.

"Nothing, sugar" the archangel whispered in your ear before leaving a feather-light kiss on your neck. You giggled and placed you head on his shoulder so you were able to glance at him from the corner of your eye. He continued to caress the soft, sensible skin while slowly stroking over your belly. You closed your eyes and just enjoy the contact, making quiet humming noises until his hands slowly wandered lower with yours still on top of his hands. Your eyes shot open to meet Gabriel's mischievous ones. He had put his head right beside yours.

"What are you doing?" you asked and wrapped your arms around his neck.

"Enjoying some alone time with my beautiful girl" he answered with a smirk. His hands had found their place on the inner side of your thighs. You couldn't hold back the snort.

"I'm pregnant" you stated. "I have pregnancy acne, raging hormones, morning sickness and I constantly have to urinate!"

"Still beautiful."

You turned around in his arms with one raised eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

The archangel straightened up, looking down at you with warm, sparkling eyes.

"I'm always serious, (Y/N)."

"Biggest lie of the century" you stated bluntly. With your hands against his chest you pressed him a few inches away from you so you could look properly at his face. His eyes never seemed warmer when they traveled over the features of your face. Slowly he wrapped his arms around your middle, sneaking around to the small of your back, tipping you off balance. With little choice given you clung to his chest to safe yourself from falling. You blinked at him expectantly with your fingers curled into his shirt. His mouth hovered only a few inches over yours as the corners of his eyes crinkled up in a smile. He let his eyes wander for a little more until they stopped at your lips. You felt his breath hot on them. Everything you had been worrying about was long forgotten. In this exact moment there were only you and Gabriel, no greater threat, no angels who wanted to kill you, no set date for your untimely end, nothing to worry about. Just you and the archangel you loved. You felt Gabe's arms tightening around you, pressing you even further into him so your feet were uselessly dangling over the floor, only the tips of your toes touching the ground without giving any real support at all. You had never yearned for him, for his touch so strongly before.

His lips brushed over yours in a teasing manner before he quickly pulled away, out of reach even as you moved your head towards him. Groaning quietly to vent out your frustration and annoyance you also furrowed your brows at him.

"Patience, sugar" he breathed with half-lidded eyes. You growled annoyed and shot him a furious glare which only earned you a chuckle from the archangel. One of his hands slowly wandered from your back to one of your legs, slightly lifting it and pushing it against his side. Another groan left your lips as you tried to pull him down to you.

"Hmm, someone's eager" he smirked.

"Oh, shut up already and kiss me!" you demanded while unsuccessfully pressing yourself further into him. It only took him a fraction of a second to close the almost not existing gap between you two. Sighing you let your body relax, you melted into his touch as his lips moved over yours. The kiss didn't start slow, oh no. A kiss with Gabriel always felt hot and needy and this time it also demanded more. You tasted the faintest hint of chocolate still lingering on his lips, sending your senses spiraling out of control. Opening your mouth with a low moan you felt your one leg giving away under you. Not that it was very helpful in keeping you upright anyway. Still rather startled you tightened your grip on Gabriel's shirt, deepening the kiss in the process. Your body felt like it was on fire.

And then the next thing you knew was that you were lying on your bed with Gabriel's body pinning you down into the cushions, his lips never leaving yours. He directed your leg that he still held against him to his waist. Immediately you wrapped it around him, pressing him down to you with another moan.

Your lips parted, allowing you to finally take in some air again. Gabriel pulled back a bit to look down at you with lustful eyes so full of love as his other hand slowly moved over your stomach, caressing the small bump. Then his lips met your neck, gliding over the skin until he had found your weak spot. You closed your eyes and bit your bottom lip but the mix of a moan and a sigh still escaped your mouth as you curled your fingers at his nape. Squirming under him you tried to suppress all the sounds spilling over your lips. Emphasis on tried because you failed miserably.

"Gabe" you panted, clinging onto him as if he was the last piece of wood to save you from drowning. You were in a complete daze, not witnessing anything that could have happened around you, the only thing you noticed was Gabriel and his touches. He let go of your neck, definitely leaving a hickey behind but you didn't care. You would just have to remember to leave one on his neck too. Opening your eyes again you stared at him, your chest raising and falling as you gasped for air. You still felt his hand softly moving over your stomach while your grip around his nape slowly loosened. Gabriel smirked, definitely pleased with his result. Suddenly very self-conscious, you already felt your cheeks getting hot, you looked away. But Gabriel wouldn't let that happen, not on his watch. Cupping your cheek with one hand -the other one had settle on your waist- he directed your gaze back to him as he leaned in closer.

"I love you, (Y/N)" he whispered before capturing your lips in another kiss.

You could only moan into the kiss in response as you continued to enjoy his touches which grew more heated and daring. Not that they had ever been modest to begin with.

Gabriel definitely showed you how beautiful you were to him.

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Pregnancy week 16: You had gained four more pounds, six in total now. The bump was even more noticeable. In fact it grew so much, that you found anything other than leggings unbearable to wear. So that is what you did: Wearing comfortable leggings while wrapped in a blanket on the sofa in the library with a cup of tea in your hands. Since you weren't able to drink much coffee nowadays but still wanted something warm to drink you switched to tea.

You directed the cup to your face when you felt the sofa dip and two arms wrapped themselves around you. With a squeak you tried not to spill anything on yourself and then turned towards the person next to you with sullen looks.

"Gabriel" you warned but he didn't react. Instead he grabbed the cup out of your hands to put it down on the table in front of him.

"What are we both doing today, sugar?" he asked with a wide grin.

"I was just enjoying my tea befo- huh!" you began before you were suddenly pinned underneath the archangel, his face dangerously close to yours. But from so near you saw the worry and sadness in his eyes. Perplexed you blinked at him. "Gabe? Are you alright?"

He shook his head before burying his face in your neck. "Everything is well, (Y/N). You don't have to worry about me."

In that moment it hit you. He is still...

"But you're still worrying about me, aren't you?"

At first the archangel on top of you didn't move. But then you heard him sigh before he finally sat up.

"(Y/N) ... How can I not?"

You huffed and tried to sit up to but since Gabriel had his legs still to either side of you, you weren't really able to straighten up properly.

"Gabriel ... Gabe, listen. I know all this isn't" you paused and shoved him of you so you could sit in front of him and face him properly. "ideal. But I stopped worrying so you should, too."

You hoped he would buy your lie so you immediately continued. You didn't want to think about all this now. You had enough weeks to come to worry about it.

"There are far more fun things to do today anyway."

Gabriel's eyebrows rose as he eyed you expectantly with a wide grin. He leaned forward but was stopped by your hands pressed against his chest.

"Not that kind of fun, Gabe!" you laughed but got pressed into the cushions anyway. Your face got peppered with kisses while you giggled profusely. "Gabriel, sto-" you started but got silenced by his lips on top of yours. You hummed into the kiss, any resistance was immediately forgotten as you melted in his arms. Your arms wrapped themselves around Gabe's neck almost automatically while he held himself upright with one arm and caressed your side with the other.

"Guys, really? Don't you have a room?"

You flinched, knocking heads with Gabriel when you tried to sit up. Groaning you let yourself fall back down. However, the archangel straightened up to face the older Winchester who had just entered the room.

"Come on, I know you enjoy a good show, Dean."

You gasped in shock and pushed Gabriel off of you with your foot. "Gabe!" you yelped and threw a pillow in his face when you saw the pleased grin on his face. Sitting up you looked apologetically at Dean who had one eyebrow raised.

"Sorry, Dean. I was actually waiting for someone to arrive at the bunker before featherbrains distracted me" you explained. "Do you know if they arrived yet?"

"Who?" Gabriel asked, looking up at you since he was still lying on the sofa. You pushed another pillow in his face to silence him and turned around to look at your phone that was lying on the table next to your half empty cup of tea.

"I think a car parked in front of the bunker... I actually wanted to ask you if one of you knew who it was" Dean said.

You jumped up, ran your fingers through your hair to clean it up a little and jogged up the staircase to the entrance door without answering Dean. When you opened the door you saw them in front of you, one hand raised and about to knock at the door.

"(F/N)!" you said excited and hugged them immediately.

"Hey, (Y/N)" they responded with an equally tight hug.

"Thanks, for coming by. I'm unable to leave this place because of safety reasons" you explained after letting go of them and leading them inside.

"No problem, I have everything we need" they said and pointed to the suitcase in their hand. Nodding you walked back down to meet the very confused faces of Dean and Gabe.

"Hey, I'm (F/N)" your friend introduced themselves. "I was (Y/N)'s former partner for hunts.”

“Before she decided to pursue her dreams of being active in the medical field” you added and bumped playfully into her side.

The two men nodded.

"So, what are you doing here?" Dean asked.

You placed your hands on the noticeable bump: "For check-ups. Also, if the baby is lying right we can detect which gender they have."

Gabriel immediately beamed with excitement as he jumped up from the sofa, following you and your friend to your room.

After about twenty minutes your friend had set everything up and you were lying expectantly in your bed with Gabe sitting beside you.

"What do you think it will be?" he asked. You grinned at him.

"I don't know, but they will challenge you nevertheless." He huffed.

"I'm great with children."

"Since when? Have you even seen one?" you laughed which only earned you a slight nudge against your shoulder.

"Are you two ready?" (F/N) asked with a smile. You nodded but flinched as they covered your bare stomach with the cold substance. Looking at the monitor you tried to make out any shapes.

"Look, there is the head" your friend said and traced it with their finger. That was the moment you saw your baby for the first time. Blindly you searched for Gabriel's hand as tears sprang into your eyes. The archangel squeezed your hand reassuringly.

"Can you see what it is?" he asked.

Your friend hummed and moved the scanner around a bit.

"Yup!"

You squeezed Gabriel's hand even more. Your heart beat frantically.

"It's a girl."

You couldn't hold back the sob and immediately turned to Gabriel for a hug.

"We have to come up with a name soon, sugar" he whispered in your ear while drawing circles on your back until you had calmed down again. Damn, you were a wreck today ... any day.

Let's just say: agreeing to one name was a hassle.

Whenever you found a name you liked Gabriel would have some kind of personal conflict with the name.

"What about ... Nidia? This one sounds cute" you said and looked up from your phone to meet Gabriel's eyes. He sat on the other side of the sofa also looking onto his phone.

"I once knew a Nidia. She was very flex-hey!" Gabriel blinked perplexed at you and then at the pillow that you had thrown at him and was now lying in his lap.

"I once told you that I don't care about all your past affairs" you began with a huff. "But are you kidding me? Every name I suggest? Really?!"

Gabriel shrugged his shoulders and grinned. "No one can resist my charm, sug-" he got cut off again by another pillow to his face. He threw you a sulky look.

"Is there one name you haven't moaned?" you asked bluntly and crossed your arms before your chest. He shrugged his shoulders again with a grin which earned him his third pillow.

____________________

Pregnancy week 17: Everything seemed to slowly settle itself in. Your pregnancy acne was gone, your belly was growing profusely and you were motivated to continue the recordings for your baby girl. You had made one every single day for the past week, talking about your life, the pregnancy, your wishes for your baby.

You were also motivated to find a name that had no previous history for Gabriel. Let's just say ... you would have more options if the baby was a boy.

The only thing that calmed your nerves when you had to cross out another name was food. Something you craved right now was hot Cheetos dipped into yogurt. Normally disgusting but at the moment the best thing you could eat. These pregnancy cravings were weird.

However, currently you were lying in bed scrolling through your phone for names again. The archangel was next to you, pressing you against his chest as he looked over your shoulder. You opened your moth to speak but before you could you were interrupted.

"Before you say anything: I knew a Rayna, too."

You turned towards him with a scowl. Pushing him off of you, you rolled over so he could no longer look at the screen. "You are getting on my nerves, Gabriel."

"Sorry, sugar. But-" he started but you snapped.

"When you say something about your charm again I will beat you up with a pillow."

It stayed silent after that for a while but not distant. Gabriel's hand found your stomach almost immediately. You sighed and nuzzled into him.

"Is there no name that comes to your mind?" you asked defeated, looking up from your phone. Gabriel's warm eyes looked apologetically at you as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Sorry, sweetcheeks. The only name on my mind right now is yours" he said and winked at you.

You snorted and slid over to let yourself be wrapped in Gabe's arms. Inhaling his scent you let yourself be lulled into his warmth.

"You are such a smooth talker" you huffed.

"But it works every time" he smirked. You shook your head and punched him lightly in the chest.

"You never shut your mouth, too."

"You know" the archangel began. "I could say the same thing about you."

Perplexed you pressed yourself away from him to look at his face again.

"What?" Gabriel chuckled.

"You recently began to snore while sleeping." Your eyes widen and your cheeks grew hot as you stared at him. Stammering something uncoherent before you shook your head to clear your thoughts.

"I do not!"

Gabriel laughed and hugged you tightly against him again. "Yes, you do."

"I refuse to believe that” you mumbled into his chest before freeing yourself from his hug, still very embarrassed. The archangel shrugged and lied back onto his back. With a sigh you grabbed your phone again and mindlessly scrolled down for a while before randomly stopping. You read all the names listed on that part until you found yourself stuck on one. You sat up, pushing your hair behind your ear.

"What do you think about Liora? I really like its meaning: 'My Light'."

Gabriel thought about it for a moment but you didn't see recognition on his face. Did you do it? Did you find a name he didn't have a connection to? Then he shook his head. "I don't recall knowing anyone with that name. Liora ... yes, that sounds beautiful." You were more than relieved as you slumped back into the pillows.

____________________

Pregnancy week 18: It was all a hoax. Nothing was better. You felt miserable. You were unable to sleep properly again like before you knew about the pregnancy. Your mind just couldn't find rest. Your thoughts were racing every time at night when everything got quiet.

On top of that did the sides of your belly hurt like hell. You had asked your friend about it and they said that it was probably because of your womb expanding. So now you were unable to sleep because of mental and physical stuff. And being pregnant with no sleep meant you were cranky all the time. And when you were cranky you got headaches. And when you had headaches you couldn't fall asleep. It was a vicious cycle.

What you needed right now was your archangel boyfriend. However, that wasn't possible since he was on a hunt with Sam and Dean. Castiel was still in the bunker with you but he would be joining them shortly. He stayed behind to help you with the last parts of research before he would teleport to the location. He was browsing through several books he had displayed on the table while you were leaning over one single book. You were sitting on the opposite side of the table, rereading the last paragraph for the fifth time now and slowly you lost your patience with yourself. Growling you pressed the palms of your hands against your eyes, trying to sooth the throbbing headache that was pounding against your skull.

"Is everything alright?" asked a voice and suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder. Flinching you turned around to look at Castiel. With a sigh you waved him off and looked back down at the book.

"Yes, everything is just peachy."

"I can heal you symptoms if you want?" Castiel continued. You glanced back at him from over your shoulder.

"You can do that?"

The angel nodded. "But it won't last forever since I can't remove the source of your pain."

"Doesn't matter, I just want to have a few minutes without any pain" you explained, turning around in the chair eagerly to fully look at him.

"Can I?" he asked, his hand hovering over your stomach. You looked down at the ever growing bump and nodded. "Of course."

The moment Castiel had placed his hand over it you felt a warmth run through your entire body. A sigh left your lips. And when Cas withdrew his hand you couldn’t believe that you felt nothing other than good. "Thank you, Cas" you said with a smile, stood up and hugged the angel. Rather stiffly he returned it. "Your welcome, (Y/N)."

Cas called Dean after the two of you finished the research and teleported away which meant that you were completely alone right now and had enough time to record something for your baby girl again. You hadn't shown or told anything that you did that. When you were finished you wanted to safe it on a USB stick and tell Gabe to give it to her when she needed it. Because this was something personal between you and your baby.

You sat everything up and pressed the record button.

"Hey sweetie" you waved with a wide smile. Now that Cas had healed your symptoms for a while you felt really good and energetic. You felt motivated.

"You know, I really wished I could spoil you rotten" you confessed and pushed some strains of your hair back with a chuckle.

"But knowing Gabe I guess he is probably spoiling you enough for the both of us."

You fell silent for a few moments as seriousness washed over you. You had no idea how the life of your girl would be but if wouldn't be easy. You were sure that Gabriel and Cas would help her with her angel side and Dean and Sam with her human one. But there were still many dangers out there. She would still be a target for other angels. You shook your head and continued to speak about more cheerful things.

"I wonder what your favorite color is... I guess nothing to girly since you will be surrounded by a lot of guys in your life. However, that could also mean you could lean towards more feminine colors to define yourself and distance yourself from the boys." You huffed, placed your chin on your palm and thought for a moment.

"I'm just gonna follow my intuition and say it's purple. Let me know if I'm right" you winked.

"I should stop. Oh, but before I go: Your Dad and I finally decided on a name for you!" you grinned and took a deep breath.

"Mom loves you, Liora."

And with that you stopped the recording.

____________________

Pregnancy week 19: You were in need of new clothes. Not like wanting to buy new stuff but really, really needing something to wear because of your growing belly and no matter how embarrassing it was... because of your enlarged breasts, too. You needed new bras, okay! Nothing to be distressed about. But damn was it unusual. And okay, you felt really embarrassed by it. It didn't help that Gabriel was obviously staring at them, too. Not that you could blame him…

"Stop it, Gabe!" you yelped and crossed your arms before your chest, pinning the blanket against you to cover your breasts. "That's inappropriate."

The archangel snorted and walked towards your sitting form on the bed.

"I saw you in far more revealing clothes" he explained, now standing directly in front of you. You eyed his hand that slowly creeped closer to your arms. He slowly pushed them down which lead to the blanket falling to your lap, revealing your -by a normal shirt covered- breasts.

"I also saw you naked more than once, sweetchecks."

Looking away you already felt your face heat up.

"It makes me self-conscious" you mumbled.

"Oh, sugar" Gabriel said and hoisted you up on your feet. He intertwined both of your hands and pulled you against him. "There is no need to feel embarrassed. You're always beautiful."

You chuckled and wrapped your arms around his torso, pressing your face against his chest.

"It's still embarrassing. Or at least, I mean ... I don't know! It's just different" you tried to explain. "Everything's so different."

Gabriel hummed, stroking your hair while wrapping his other arm also around you.

"I try to be positive, Gabe" you take a deep breath and buried your nails into his shirt. "But it's hard when you know you will die."

"You know that they are searching for a solution, right?"

You pushed yourself slightly away so you could see his face. "Solution?"

He nodded: "Sam and Dean are looking for something that can safe you. Something maybe not even we angels know about."

"What? They can't!" you yelled shocked which earned you a confused face from the archangel. You shook your head.

"Stuff like that, plans like that never end well" you stopped and took a deep breath. "It always ends with someone else sacrificing themselves and I won't let them do that for me."

Gabriel tightened the hug again, pressing you against him again.

"I'm sure they won't do anything stupid" he tried to reassure you.

"Okay, now that is the biggest lie of the century" you said with a snort.

"Oh, can you help me with something, Gabe?" you asked, pushing away again to look at his warm eyes.

"Anything you want, sugar" he said and wiggled his eyebrows. Rolling your eyes you freed yourself from his arms. "Not that kind of problem, Gabriel. I need new clothes" you pointed down at you. "And since I can't leave I need you to work your magic and produce me a new wardrobe that will fit." The archangel snapped his fingers immediately and then gestured to your closet.

"Done."

You opened the closet door and nodded before turning around to face him again with a smile.

"That reminds me: We need to get a few more things."

It was now a few hours later and you were currently looking for Sam and Dean. You desperately needed to talk to them about their probably very stupid plan. And low and behold where did you find them? The library, researching some way to safe you.

"There is no way" you said, leaning against the door frame. Immediately the heads of the two men turned to you. "What do you mean?" Sam asked and desperately tried to cover up the book he was reading. Dean instantly stood up, walking towards you.

"Are you alright?" he asked which made you sigh and roll your eyes.

"Yes, Dean. Don't try to distract me, though" you warned and sat down in front of Sam. "I know what you two are doing and I won't allow it."

Sam rose an eyebrow in uestion while Dean sat back down.

"You two are trying to find a way to safe me."

"And?" Dean huffed. "We just ... Don't want you to die."

"Dean, you-" you stopped and took a deep breath. "Do you realize to what this always leads? How it always ends?" The two Winchesters watched you silently.

"It always leads to someone else sacrificing themselves and I won't let you do that for me. I forbid it!" you slammed your hands on the table and stood up, trying to fight back the tears.

"Why (Y/N)? We can decide that for ourselves" Dean challenged you, also standing up.

"No, you can't because I am the one who would have to live with the sacrifice!" you screamed. After that everything seemed to stand still. You blinked unmoving and then slowly straightened up, crossing your arms before your chest. You took a deep breath.

"I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew about the risks. It's my decision to let this baby live and to bear the consequences" you clarified. Shaking your head you turned away from the two brothers who hadn't dared to speak up again and walked towards the door. When you were standing in the frame you turned to face them again.

"Come with me. I want to show you two something."

You led them in front of your room. With your hand on the handle you turned to look at them again. Then you opened the door energetically. Coming to light was your newly decorated room. You entered with the Winchesters in tow and sat down on the bed.

"Gabriel and I decided to make my room baby proof" you explained and then let them see for themselves. The complete left side of the room was now decorated like a kid’s room. Next to your bed stood a crib with a fitting mobile attached to it. On the wall next to it was a diaper-changing unit and a few shelves with books and toys inside of it. A soft fuzzy carpet was draped on the floor and some star and moon stickers were on the left wall now. You sighed and grabbed the romper which laid next to you on the bed while Sam and Dean's eyes were still fixated on the new furniture.

"You will have a lot to do in a few weeks" you said with a grin, your eyes glued to the onesie in your hands. Then you turned it around so you could show them the print on it. On the front it read "Princess".

"Because it will be a little girl." You hadn't told them this before now. Somehow you didn't know how you should do it but you couldn't delay it anymore.

Sam immediately had a huge smile on his face as he took a step forward, reaching a hand out, asking you to hold the romper. You gave it to him with a small smile. In the mean time you focused on Dean who was still frozen, staring at the wall.

"Dean?" Your voice seemed to snap him out of it. But when he turned towards you, something you weren't prepared for were tears. "No, don't" you said, already feeling your own tears wetting your eyes. "You will make me cry, too."

You stood up and wrapped your arms around the older Winchester. "I don't want to cry today."

It stayed quiet for a few moments before you felt Dean's grip tighten. "(Y/N)" he started. "How do you expect of me to not search for another solution?" You didn't answer since he wasn't expecting one anyway. "You're family, (Y/N). I can't just let you die."

You sobbed, pressing even further into his chest.

"You know I don't want to die, Dean" you said. "But what I want even less is one of you dying because of me." It got silent after that again, neither spoke up.

"My baby girl will need you, Dean. Please stop searching for a solution that will cost more than I'm willing to give. For me, as my last wish."

"… okay, (Y/N)."

     To be continued: Part 3 is here.

____________________

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Fifteen

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

(This part is loooong fam, but I promise it delivers. Fluff and smut.)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven Part Twelve Part Thirteen Part Fourteen

Masterpost

You told all your friends about your upcoming weekend with Harry. Niall was just as excited for you. You didn’t bother telling your mom, and you certainly haven’t told your siblings. You still hadn’t updated your Facebook status. You found yourself using social media less and less the more you hung out with Harry.

You didn’t want to pack too much, but you also wanted to have enough options with you depending on the weather, Harry had been really busy these last couple of weeks. Everyone was trying to get in Fall photoshoots while the leaves were changing. You decide to pull out your small carry-on bag with wheels.

One night after work you went to a lingerie store to pick out something cute to wear. You found a silk, short night gown. It was blush pink with black lace over  where your breasts would sit. You pack that first. You pull out some black booties and a couple different pairs of skinny jeans. You decide on a pair of leggings for the drive, you’d be going up Friday afternoon.

Next you had to tackle your toiletries. You had a bag for makeup, a bag for facial wash and moisturizer, and your travel body wash. Once you were satisfied with everything, you left it all near your door, so you could grab everything easily.

You leave work around 3PM to get back to your apartment to change. Niall wished you safe travels. You weren’t sure what was going to happen this weekend. You still weren’t ready to have sex with Harry, but you felt like you needed to give him more. You knew he wanted to use his hands more by the way he would grab at you. Would it be so bad if he fingered you? Your therapy has been helping a lot. Dr. Mara has helped put you back at ease. Jake can’t hurt you ever again. This was Harry, your Harry, who treats you like an absolute princess.

While you’re changing into your leggings, you hear the rustling of your door. Harry walks in with a beanie on. You trot over to him, and wrap your arms around his neck. He kisses you and smiles.

“I’m so excited Harry.” You squeak.

“Me too, I feel terrible I’ve been so busy.”

“It’s okay, it’s nice that you get so much extra work.”

He grabs your bags and brings them down to his car. It would be a little over a two hour drive up to New Hampshire. He let you pick the music. You put an RnB playlist on from 2014. You told him these were some of your favorite songs your sophomore year of college. Once in a while one of you would shout that you loved a certain song, or that you forgot it existed. Eventually you switched to some other playlists you had. You made a playlist with a bunch of songs you would listen to with your mom on long car drives. It had a mix on Bon Jovi, Journey, Barry Manalow, Gary Pucket, Eddie Money, and the Righteous Brothers. Harry was surprised you liked any of that type of music.

“How do you know all of these songs?”

“Well, my mom used to take us on a bunch of road trips and long car rides. She had these two huge CD cases in the car. She would let us pick which ones we wanted to listen to, and she would turn the volume like all the way up. We would just jam out and sing at the top of our lungs.” Shakin’ by Eddie Money comes on next. “Shit, I love this song, mind if I turn it up?”

“Go for it.”

You turn it up, and start singing along. Harry has never heard you really sing before. You didn’t have the greatest voice in the world, but you still sounded good. You could sing on key and in tune. You had sung this song enough times to know how to sing it right. Harry smiled while you sang, stealing glances when he could.

You made pretty good time to the inn. Harry only lets you carry in one of the small bags, while he carried the rest. He goes up to the check in counter, and you take the two room keys. You’re up on the second floor. As you walk in you’re in awe of how beautiful the room is. You put your bag on the floor and flop onto the bed. Harry laughs, but follows your lead.

“This bed is sooo comfy.” You sigh. “What time is it babe?”

“Just about six. We could just order room service tonight so we can relax. Go check out the bathroom, there’s a little surprise.”

You get up, and go into the large en suite. There’s a giant Jacuzzi tub that is begging to be filled. You walk back out to Harry who has a cunning grin on his face.

“Good thing I brought a bathing suit.” You wink at him.

“You don’t need a bathing suit to wear in a tub.” He wraps his arms around your waist.

“I brought a cute bathing suit, I intend to wear it.”

You unpack a bunch of your things while Harry orders room service. Twenty minutes later, a bottle of wine, two salads, and a side of fries are delivered to your room. The food is delicious, and the wine is perfect for an after dinner treat.

“Alright, let’s see that bathing suit.” Harry says while you pull your hair up into a messy bun.

“Let’s see yours.” You raise an eyebrow at him.

You go into the bathroom and change into a blue string bikini. It had a cheeky bottom, and the top just covered your breasts enough. You rarely wore it, but knew it would drive him wild. You turn the bath on to fill it up, and open the door to peak out. Your eyes grow wide when you see Harry wearing a pair of short yellow bottoms. You cough to get his attention, he whips around to look at you.

“Holy shit.”

“Told you it was cute.” You say, sauntering towards him.

“Do you wear this a lot?”

“God no, it’s way too revealing, this is a special bathing suit.” You look down at his shorts. “Yours is very cute.” He scoffs at you.

“C’mon, let’s not let those jets go to waste.” You grab the wine and your glasses.

You both get in and sigh immediately. The jets feel incredible. At first you’re sitting across from him, sipping on your wine.

“I’m so glad we did this, a perfect way to spend a long weekend.” You say.

“Yeah, it’s nice to get away once in a while. If you could go on any holiday what would it be?”

“Well, I usually go to Florida to visit with my Nannie. She has a house on the west coast, in this little community. There’s a pool and a rec center. Sometimes I’ll go with her to her jazzercise class, it’s a lot of fun. Honestly, it’s my happy place.”

“You’re really close with her, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” You want to change the subject. You’re not ready to dive in about your relationship with your grandparents, in fear you may cry. “But I suppose for like a real vacation, I love getting to go to Aruba. I’ve been twice. Oh! I went to Israel my senior year of college for a birthright trip, I’m desperate to go back there.”

“Wow, Israel, that’s incredible.”

“My sister and I went with a group, it was amazing. Honestly, my ideal vacation is just somewhere warm. I love going to the beach and getting to be lazy. I’m not into like the backpacking across a bunch of different countries thing. I bet you’ve been all over Europe.”

“Sort of. We lived hours outside of London growing up, and I never went until I was like sixteen. We didn’t have a lot of money, and going there was something the like rich kids did on the weekends. I like going to the beach too.”

“You definitely tan well, you were practically golden when you came back from New Mexico.”

“How nice of you to notice.” He takes a sip of his wine. “You’re too far away, c’mere.” You giggle and go over to him, straddling his legs so you can sit in his lap. “Much better.” You press your chest against his so he can feel you.

“So, what did you go to Aruba for?”

“Hm?”

“You mentioned you’ve been there a couple times? Was it a cruise or something?”

“Oh, no…my grandparents have a time share there. I got to go the first time as a sweet sixteen type thing. It was the most relaxing trip, but I’m always relaxed with them. The second time I went was last April with my mom and Nannie. It was the first time she had been back since I went.”

“Why’s that?” Your eyes droop, your lips form into a frown. “Sorry, I’m being nosey.”

“No, it’s okay. Um, it’s just hard to talk about is all.” You sigh. “Not something I want to dive into this weekend.”

“Alright…sorry again.” He smiles at you.

You run your wet hands through his hair while he presses his hands into your lower back. You lean down and brush your lips against his.

“You’re so handsome.” You scrunch his hair in your hands. “And your hair is always so soft.” You feel the wine hitting you more now. You lean down and kiss him, him happily taking your bottom lip into his mouth to suck and bite on. “Harry?”

“Mm?” He says, working his mouth to your jaw to plant kisses on.

“I really wanna cuddle tonight, can we do that? Just hold each other?” He looks up at you with his green eyes. His pupils are dilated.

“Of course, love. We can do whatever ya want.” You sigh happily, and set yourself so your back is to his chest.

The two of you continue to talk, and share travel stories. You learned that Harry loved when he could go to Jamaica, and he had spent one of his winter breaks in Japan all by himself. You told him more about your week in Israel, and how you’ve always wanted to go to Greece. When the water started to cool, and you both started to get pruney, you decided it was time to get out of the tub.

Harry changed into a pair of grey sweatpants, while you rummaged in your suitcase. You only brought the sexy nightgown for bed. You wanted to wait until tomorrow night to show it to him.

“Um, Harry?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Could I borrow a t-shirt for bed?” He smirks and hands you the one he had on earlier.

“Hope you don’t mind it bein’ used.”

“Not at all.” It smelled just like him, how could you mind? You wiggle on a pair of cotton panties, and climb onto the bed with him. “Why are hotel beds always so comfy?”

“I think it’s a scheme to make people come back.” He says with a half smile, and a yawn. He must be tired from the long drive. “I’m gonna turn the light off.”

“Sounds good.”

You turn over, pull is arm with you, and he wraps it around you. He nuzzles into your hair and lets out a sigh. You wiggle your butt to adjust to his shape while his legs tangle up with yours. You felt small yet safe in his arms. His body was so much bigger than yours, but it didn’t over power you. He was always so gentle and caring. You hear his light snores in your ear, and it makes you smile. He was just as comfortable with you as you were with him.

The next morning, your eyes flutter open, almost forgetting where you slept. You were laying on your back with Harry’s head nestled into your shoulder. You detach yourself from him so you can go have a shower. You needed to wash your hair today. You grab your toiletry bag, and head into the giant shower that had a waterfall head.

Harry woke up to the sound of your blow dryer, confused that you weren’t still in the bed with him. He felt sweaty, having fallen asleep in his sweatpants. He gets out of bed, and pears through the crack in the door, lightly opening it further. Your towel is wrapped securely around you, and your head is flipped over so you can properly dry the back of your hair. You flip it back over, and for a second Harry sees you in slow motion, like a movie star or something. You don’t notice him in the doorway. Your eyebrows are furrowed as you use your brush to smooth out your hair. Running your hands through, you’re satisfied with how dry you were able to get, and you turn the dryer off. You jump when you see him.

“Jesus, you scared me.” You giggle.

“Sorry ‘bout that, you just looked cute doin’ your hair.” He walks into the bathroom, and kisses you on your cheek. He grabs his tooth brush and brushes his teeth. “Was thinkin’ today before we head to the spa we could walk the property. Get some shots of the trees.”

“That would be great! What time is our appointment?”

“Not til this afternoon, plenty of time.”

You grab a pair of light washed skinny jeans that have a few rips in them, and put them on. Next you decide on a light green sweater. You plug your curling iron in, and put some makeup on while you wait for it to heat up.

“How come you’re doin’ all that?” Harry asks, sliding his black jeans up his legs.

“Well, if you’re gonna take pictures I wanna look nice, just in case I happen to be in one.” You smile at him, beginning to add curls to your ends. “Besides, you’re getting an insider look at my morning routine. Usually you’re dead asleep while I’m doing this.”

“Very true.” Harry puts on a black sweater and his beanie. He slings his camera over his torso.

“Okay, all done.” You slip on your booties, and take his hand. “I heard this place has really good breakfast.”

You settle on a waffle and some eggs for breakfast. Harry had some oatmeal with fruit in it. You both enjoyed a nice cup of coffee before heading outside. The inn sat on fifteen acres of land. Not the biggest, but not the smallest either. There were a ton of trails and paths marked out for people to walk on. The foliage was at its peak, Harry watched you gaze at the different colors on the trees that surrounded you. You hear him snap a photo.

“Harry.” You look at him rolling your eyes.

“You said you wanted your picture taken.” He laughed. “And a candid one is way better than some staged photo.” He gestures for you to look. “See, look at how beautiful you are.” You blush and kiss him on the cheek.

He continues to snap photos of the trees and leaves on your walk. You use your phone to take pictures as well. You take a couple of him while he took pictures of other things. You attempted to take a selfie, but he just took a photo of you instead with his camera.

“I want to be able to post these later.”

“You’ll be able to. I brought my computer so I can load the SD card right in.”

“Lemme take some pictures with your camera.” He takes it off himself and hands it to you. You fidget with some of the controls until everything’s set how you like it. “Go stand over there, the lighting is perfect.” He does as you say. He sticks his hands in his pockets and looks right into the lens. “Jesus, Harry, you look like a model.” You snap a picture. “Now, could you smile for me?” He laughs while his cheeks go red at both of your statements. You snap one while he laughs.

“There’s a timer on that, I could prop it up so we can take a picture together.” He says walking back over to you.

“Or we could take a selfie.”

“But then we won’t get the full effect of the background.” Another couple walks by and sees you two struggle to figure out your photo.

“Would you two like a picture?” The woman asks.

“That would be great.” You go to hand her your phone, but Harry hands her his.

“Mine has a bit of a better camera, love.”

“True.”

You both stand together between two large trees. He hooks an arm around you, and you snake one of your around his back. Your other hand is pressed to his chest. You both smile.

“Okay, ready?” The woman asks. You see her tap the phone a couple of times, and she moves around to get a couple different angles. You both start laughing, which makes for even better pictures. “Alright, that should give you enough variety.” She hands Harry back his phone.

“Thank you so much!” You say as the woman and the man she’s with walk away. “Don’t put that in your pocket, I wanna see how they came out.” Harry rolls his eyes playfully and hands you his phone. “Oh! These are so cute, she did a great job. Oo, I like this one of us laughing. That is going on insta for sure.”

“Insta?” He mimics your accent. You realize now how young you must sound when you say stuff like that.

“Yes, insta. That alright with you?”

“Sure, show me off all you want.” He winks at you.

Between the two of you, you must have taken well over a hundred pictures, but the trails were just too beautiful. You were in awe of Harry, basically watching the master at work. You both go up to your room to change into comfier clothes before your massage date.

“Oh my god!” You say looking at your phone with a big smile. Harry comes out of the bathroom and rushes over to you.

“What?!”

“Sorry, just, Sarah and Niall changed their Facebook statuses!” You practically shove your phone in his face. “That is so exciting!” You love the status and say congratulations with a heart emoji. You realize then that you still hadn’t changed your status. “Maybe tomorrow when I post some pictures I’ll finally change mine. That’ll give people some context of who I’m with.” You smile at him.

“Sure.” He shrugs his shoulders. You had to think back to the date of which he actually asked you to be his girlfriend. It was either the middle or end of September.

“Are you okay with that? I don’t have to post anything to Facebook.”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine. I thought you already changed your status is all, like over a month ago.”

“I haven’t really been on Facebook, or any social media for a while. It just slipped my mind.”

“Oh.”

“That came out wrong. What I meant was-“

“This is exactly why I got off Facebook in the first place. All these little societal rules make things so complicated. I know you’re my girlfriend, but for some reason, I need like everyone to know.” He groans. “I don’t want anyone to think you’re available, (y/n). I could reactivate my account so you could tag me in the post.”

“Harry, you don’t have to do that.” He was sensitive, he tried to hold it back as best he could, but he was your sensitive boy, and his feelings were clearly hurt.

“When we get back from the massage, we can look at all the pictures, and you can pick which ones you want to post, then I’ll airdrop them to you, and I’ll reactivate my account.”

“Why did you deactivate it in the first place?”

“I just thought it was unprofessional, but to be fair I used to post a lot of stupid shit on there. Besides, it could help me grow my freelancing more.” He sighs. “I just don’t want anyone to think they can have you, and I know how possessive that sounds, but it’s how I feel.” You put a hand on his cheek and he leans into it.

“It’s not possessive, I get it. I’m all yours, Harry. No one else’s.” He kisses you tenderly, just for a moment.

“We better get down to the spa. Our massages our first, then our nails.” You perk up.

“I thought we were just getting the massages.”

“I thought this would be a nice treat, it was all part of a package.”

A woman who works at the spa gives you each a robe and some sandals. You’re called into the couple’s room where two women are waiting for you. You told Harry to request that women give the massages because you didn’t like the idea of a man touching you that way that wasn’t him. They give you a moment to disrobe and get onto the massage tables. The music is relaxing and the room smelled like lavender. The second you feel the hot oil hit your body, your muscles immediately relax. It had been ages since you had done so much self-care like this.

The woman kneads into you, and you feel every knot in your back come undone. You just about fall asleep on the comfy bed until you feel hot rocks placed along your spine. They feel incredible, and you can’t help but smile at the fact that Harry asked for this specifically. After a few minutes of that, you’re told to flip onto your back. The woman places a clip in your hair so she doesn’t get it oily while she rubs your neck and shoulders. You feel like you could melt into the table, and only hope that Harry is feeling the same.

The hour is up before you know it. You’re told to both take your time, and to come out when you feel ready. You rub your eyes, and take the clip out of your hair while you slowly sit up. Your eyes grow wide when you look over at Harry. His chest is shiny with oil, he looks over at you and you blush.

“How ya feelin’, love?”

“Mm, really good.” He hands you your robe. You feel wobbly when you get up, and use him for balance.

You both walk out, and are lead to where your pedicures are. Your feet sink into the warm bubbly water, feeling relaxed once again. You pick out a really dark blue for your toes, and tell the woman you’ll decide on your manicure later. Harry picks out a peach color for his toes, and it makes you smile. He holds your hand during the pedicure, rubbing his thumb on you once in a while. You lean your head back and close your eyes. You feel yourself drifting off when he nudges you.

“Babe, time for the manicure.” You yawn and stretch.

“Alright.”

You both walk over to the seats at the manicure tables. You decide on two different colors. You always like the way white nails look, and you decide on the dark blue as well. You take a page out of Harry’s book, and ask to have the colors painted on every other nail. Harry goes for the same peach that’s on his toes and black. He asks to just have his thumbs and forefingers painted black, and the rest peach.

You’re very happy with how your nails came out, and you see that Harry is too. You both go to change back into your clothes, and return the robes and sandals. Harry gives you a piggyback ride back up to your room as you feel too tired to walk. He rests you gently on the bed.

“What time is it?”

“Only four.” He coos, lying next to you.

“Quick nap before dinner? I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“Sure, I’ll set an alarm to wake us in like forty-five minutes.”

“Perfect.”

You fall asleep only a second after. You find yourself dreaming about a forest. You can hear every crunch of every leaf you step on. You walk up to a tent and go inside. You see a beautiful bed only with white blankets and pillows with rose petals all over it. You look in a mirror and find yourself to only be wear a t-shirt, Harry’s t-shirt. He appears suddenly, taking your hand in his. His other hand slips into your panties. You don’t say anything you simply watch as his fingers rub against you. Your chest rises and falls quickly from his touch. Just as he’s about to curl a finger up inside you, you’re jolted awake. The dream fading away.

Harry had woken up about twenty minutes into the nap. He took the opportunity to have some alone time in the bathroom. He chuckled at himself when he saw that you had left a little bottle of pooperie near the toilet. He laid back down next you when he was done, and noticed your face was scrunched up, and your mouth was parted. You were breathing quickly and beads of sweat were starting to form at your brow line. Usually, you slept pretty peacefully. When you started grunting, he figured you were having a bad dream or something, so he shook your shoulder.

Your eyes burst open as you try to catch your breath, you look at Harry who has a concerned look on his face.

“Alright, love?”

“Um, yeah, why?”

“Looked like you were havin’ a bad dream. You were breathin’ heavy and makin’ all this noise.” Your face flushed. You couldn’t tell him you were basically having a sex dream about him. Actually, it’s something he probably would like to hear, but you’re far too embarrassed.

“Oh.”

“What were you dreamin’ about?”

“I, um, can’t remember.” You sit up and run your hands through your hair. “I’m starving.”

“Probably because we forgot to eat lunch.”

“Well, let’s get ready for dinner then.” You smile. You go to the dress you hung up last night, and take it into the bathroom with you.

Harry puts on some khakis and a dress shirt while you slip on your little black dress. He beams at you when you walk out.

“You wore that on our first date.” He gets up and wraps his arms around your waist.

“You remember?” You giggle, knowing he would.

“Course, how could I forget how good you looked?” He gives your bum a little tap. “Let’s head down.” He walks in front of you, and you can’t help but notice how great his butt looks in those khakis. You walk by him quickly, giving him a little pinch, and get into the hallway before he can do anything. “Oi, there’ll be none of that before dinner.”

“Oh, so after dinner I can pinch your butt as much as I want? Good to know.” You wink at him.

The restaurant attached to the inn is breathtaking, you were both thankful you brought nice clothes to wear. Harry pulled your chair out for you like he always did, once you were brought to a table. You each ordered a cocktail, you a vodka-tonic, and him a gin and tonic. Bread was brought over, and you practically attacked it the second you could.

“What do you think you’re gonna get?” He asks you, furrowing his brows at the menu.

“Hmm, I’m not sure yet.” You had a big night planned for him, and you didn’t want to risk anything upsetting your stomach. “Maybe this pasta dish?” You point to it and show him. “Looks like you can get it with black bean noodles if you want.”

“Oh, that looks good, maybe I’ll get that too.”

You each order once the waitress comes back. Midway through the meal, she brings you more drinks, which was perfect because you were starting to feel nervous.

“Love, how ‘bout a dessert tonight?” It was something you rarely did, but since he offered you didn’t want to decline.

“See something you like?” You ask innocently. He gives you a sultry look, and you cough to shake it off. “Oh, look they have a plate of assorted fruits with chocolate drizzled on it.” Normally you would just pig out and get a sundae or a brownie with ice cream, but you figured the dairy would bother you.

“That sounds perfect.” The waitress bring the dessert over quickly, and Harry tells her to just charge the meal to the room. You roll your eyes full well knowing he’s not going to let you pay for anything. “Mm, good choice. Although, I wish I could feed this to you like that other time.” You blush. It’s sweet that he’s been bringing up such nice memories.

You’re absolutely stuffed, you both are. You don’t want to dive into anything with him yet.

“Harry, can we look at the pictures?”

“Sure!” He grabs his laptop once you’re back in your room. You both sit on the small loveseat.

“These are incredible, god you’re so good.” He smiles at you and you press your nose to his for second.

“Lemme see the ones you took on your phone.” You show him a couple. “You have quite the eye yourself. Here, let me airdrop the ones you like to you so you can post them or do whatever you like with them.” You see him open his browser to Facebook.

“Harry, it’s really okay…”

“I want to, plus like I said, it could help with the freelancing.” You watch him log in, your jaw nearly hitting the floor.

“Holy shit, your hair was so long!” He smirks at you.

“Yeah, I grew it out for nearly two years. You like it?”

“Not a lot of people can pull that off, but it suits you. Although, I won’t lie, I love the length you have it at now.” You run a hand through it.

“Me too. Doesn’t get in my way as much when I’m out shootin’. Could ya send me the one you took of me takin’ a picture, I think I’d like to make that my profile picture.” Your heart could burst. You text it to him quick, and he opens his iMessages so you can save it. Before he reactivates it, he goes through his friends list and deletes a whole mess of people. He updates a bunch of his information, and adds a link to his professional Instagram. “There, all cleaned up.” He reactivates the account and sends you a request. You accept immediately.

You create a new album to put all of the wonderful pictures into, and tag him in the ones he’s in. Then you go to change your Facebook status.

“This profile picture is so cute, where were you?”

“Oh! Yikes, I should really change that. It was from my birthday party over the summer. Would it be cheesy to change it to this one of us?” You point to the picture of the one the woman took for you. “The one of us smiling, not the one laughing.”

“I don’t think it’s cheesy at all.”

You change your picture, and then, finally, go to change your status. You back track the date to read September, making him smile. You request him in the post, and he accepts, thus updating both of your statuses. Between adding the pictures, changing your profile picture, and updating your status, you get an influx of notifications. Both Sarah and Rachel leave comments, and you see a liked notification from Kate. Niall leaves a comment as well, just a wink emoji, but it makes you smile. A bunch of people like and comment on your profile picture.

“Sarah and Rachel both just friend requested me.” He looks at you.

“Is that weird for you?”

“Guess not.” He accepts both.

“Shit.” Your siblings liked your status.

“What?”

“My siblings are liking and now commenting, wonderful.” You roll your eyes.

“What’s wrong with them knowin’?”

“Nothing. They just always find a way to treat me like a baby.”

“Well, isn’t that their job as older siblings?”

“Does Gemma ever leave embarrassing comments about having changed your diapers? I had to block my oldest sister from like half of my posts. She’s the reason my insta is private.”

“You got me there, Gem was too close in age with me to help out with diapers.”

“Okay, I am putting this thing on do not disturb before one of them calls me.” You get up and put your phone on the side table next to the bed. You’re feeling less bloated, and very close to him. You grab your bag and go into the bathroom. “Just gonna change into something more comfortable.”

Harry untucks his dress shirt from his khakis. He scrolls through the countless comments on his own Facebook. Many friends happy to see his return to the online world. He had wanted to unzip your dress for you, and watch it fall to your feet, to see what underwear set you might have worn. He didn’t want to push you though. You were having such a nice weekend together.

You take out the nightgown and stare at it. It really was cute with the black lace over the blush pink, and you knew it would hug you tight where you wanted it to. You slip out of your dress, and go into your bag for a black lace pair of cheeky panties. You wanted to be as fresh as possible. You slip the short gown over your head, and adjust your breasts in the lace cups. You could just faintly make out your piercings that you knew he loved so much. It was a little tight around your butt and thighs, but that was the look you were going for. You open the bathroom door as quietly as you can so he won’t notice you. You creep up behind him, and cover his eyes with your hands. He smirks and closes his laptop, setting it on the coffee table.

“What are you doin’?”

“Nothing, just have a little something for you. Can you stand up without opening your eyes for me?”

“Mhm.” He stands up, and lets you guide him to you so he’s facing you. “Can I open now?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck.” He whispers as his eyes pop out of his head. “I mean, wow, no fuck, you look fucking amazing.”

“Really? You like it?” He walks around you to get a good look, and comes back face to face.

“I love it. You got this for me?”

“Mhm.” You nod your head. He moves to touch you, but you back away. His face falls slightly. “I’m still not ready for, well, you know. But, I think I’m ready for these.” You take his hands in yours and kiss his fingers.

Harry is sweating. You look amazing, he can’t figure out where to look afraid he’ll miss even a second of your beauty. What he really wants to do is stick his fingers into your mouth for you to suck on, but he’s not about to scare you off. Instead, he leans in to kiss you. Your drop his hands and put yours right through his hair. His hands travel down to your hips, and his fingers press into you harshly. They travel down to the backs of your thighs so he can pick you up. You wrap your legs around his waist, and he carries you over to the bed. He stands between your legs while you unbutton his shirt. He undoes his buckle and lets his pants drop to the floor. He nearly rips the t-shirt he was wearing off. He takes your face in his hands and sticks his tongue in your mouth. You suck on it and taste the mint from the gum he had chewed after dinner.

You skootch back on the bed, bringing him with you. You feel your head hit the pillow, and his hands go to your breasts while he straddles you. You let out a small moan when his mouth travels to your neck and down to your chest. He takes the piercing in your right breast through his teeth, careful not to tangle it in the lace. He bites down on your nipple, causing you to arch up into him. He looks down at you.

“What is it?” You say, almost in a whisper.

“I can’t decide if I want to leave this on or off. You look so fuckin’ sexy, but I wanna be able to see your body at the same time.”

“Here.” You lift your back a bit, and slide the straps down, bringing your arms through, you tug the top down just a bit, letting your breasts go free. “Meet ya in the middle.” He gazes down at your large breasts, and dips his head back down.

Harry takes as much of your left breast as he can into his mouth. Licking circles around your hard nipple. He sucks on you while kneading its twin. You put an arm over your mouth to help stifle your moans, you were in a hotel after all. He pushes the bottom of your gown up to your hips, revealing your lace panties, leaving a smirk on his face.

“These new too?”

“Maybe.” You take a deep breath, and spread your legs apart for him, only a little. He scoots down a bit to get between your legs.

“(y/n), if at any moment it gets too intense, please tell me to stop. I don’t want you doing something just because you know I want it.”

“I will, Harry. Don’t worry, I want this too.” You say, leaning up on your elbows so you can look at him properly.

Harry starts by pushing your legs a letting farther apart. Next, he brings his thumb to your clit, and rubs you slowly through the lace material. You know you’re already wet, that’s a given any time he sucks on your breasts. He dips his lips down to your right thigh, kissing you closer and closer to your center. He brings his mouth to where you’re dripping, and kisses you through the material while still rubbing you with his thumb. You let out a small groan at his teasing. He stops kissing you, and slides his thumb slowly down to where his lips just were, pressing lightly into your warmth.

“Is this okay, baby?” You nod your head yes. You can feel sweat forming on your forehead. “I need you to use your words.”

“Yes, yes it’s okay.” You muster out.

“I’m going to take these off now, alright?”

“Alright.”

You lift your hips slightly, as he tugs the panties down your legs, tossing them onto the floor. He dips his head back down between your legs. What he does is familiar, and feels amazing. He flattens his tongue against your clit, and drags it up and down slowly, then making circles around it. He starts sucking and nibbling on you.

“That feels so good.” You say through greeted teeth.

He smirks, looking up at you, as his tongue moves down to your folds. He licks you all over, and sticks his tongue inside you. Your hips lift to meet him closer, your hands diving into his curls. His hand moves up to your clit, his thumb rubbing furiously on you as he licks and sucks. You feel hot all over. Is he really going to make you come already?

“Harry, Harry, I’m going to-“ He rubs you even faster. “Shit!” You come undone all over his tongue. Your chest is heaving. You make eye contact with him as he sits up to wipe his mouth. “Wh, why did you?”

“I wanted to make sure you were nice and wet f’me.”

He takes his middle finger into his mouth, and sucks on it. If you had more courage, you would have sucked on it for him. But you were nervous as fuck. This was the first time you were going to let someone up inside you in over a year. You watch him take his finger out of his mouth, and he smiles at you.

“Ready baby?”

“Mhm.”

He leans down to kiss you, taking your bottom lip into house mouth. His lips were swollen from sucking on you. You feel his hand brush over you, and you flinch. He looks at you, but you give him a nod to assure you’re alright. At first, his wet finger just lightly grazes over your slit, moving up and down. This wasn’t so bad.

“Need ya to open up for me a little more.” You take a deep breath, and spread your legs for him. You have a hand on his shoulder, and the other in his hair. His head goes into your neck as he slowly slides his middle finger into you.

At first, you squeeze completely around him, not letting him move. Your breathing is quick and you feel slightly scared at the sensation. He picks his head up a little so he can whisper into your year.

“It’s me baby, just me. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Your grip loosens around him a little as you take a deep breath. “I’m gonna move a little now.”

He slowly brings his finger in and out of you, just to loosen you up a bit. You were ridiculously tight. It was a major turn on for him, but he didn’t want to say it out loud because you were only this tight because you were afraid to let someone in. He wouldn’t be able to get more than one finger in tonight, but he was okay with that. That’s not really what it was about. You felt amazing around his finger, and it was turning him on the way you would loosen and then tighten around him. He continued his slow motions, making you more and more wet. It was starting to feel good the more you relaxed. He curled his finger up in a “comer here” motion inside you, causing you to moan.

“Ohhh my god.” You say arching your back in pleasure.

“M’gonna use my mouth at the same time now.”

“Yup, okay.” Your chest is moving up and down fast. You can’t believe how good this feels.

Harry adjust so his mouth is back down on your clit, his middle finger pumping and out of you. He’s picked up the pace, only a little. The curling motion becoming more apparent. His dick was so hard it was starting to ache, but he tried to ignore it. He just wanted to focus on you, and make you feel good. His tongue made quick flicks up and down on your clit, while his finger pumped faster. You feel your stomach start to tighten.

“Harry, Harry!” You moan his name over and over between gasps. You put your arm back over your mouth and bite down on yourself. Your other hand grasping at his hair, and yanking hard.

The vibrations from Harry’s groans fucking send you.

“I’m gonna ohhhhh ahhhhh…” You come, you come so hard. Harder than he has ever made you come before. Your face and chest is drenched with sweat, and he continues to suck on you and pump slowly while you ride out your high. Your back came fully off the mattress when you arched from the pleasure. Tears started to roll down your cheeks.

Harry slowly takes his finger from you, and sucks it clean. You’re in absolute awe of him. He truly loves the taste of you. You were sweet to him. He looks down and notices your tears. He cups your face in his hands and searches your eyes for answers.

“Shit, are, are you okay? You came pretty hard, I thought it felt good-“ You yank him by the back of his neck and crash your mouth to his, forcing your tongue inside to meet his. You put your hands on his cheeks and pull away.

“That was the greatest orgasm I have ever had.” You say with a scratchy throat. He kisses you again. “Please, take this thing off me.” You lift up so he can pull the gown all the way, revealing your entire naked body. You take his shoulders and pin him to bed, straddling him in the process.

“What, um, what are you doing?” He has woken something up inside you that has been dormant for a long time. You remember how you used to be before. You remember how sexy you used to feel in bed with a guy.

“I’m going to take this.” You say, palming him through his boxers. “And suck you dry.” You feel him twitch in your hand. “You’ve been so good, so patient tonight, letting me feel good first. But now it’s your turn. Gotta get rid of these pesky things first though.”

[iampoiesis]

12 Passing Tips For Trans Girls (from my 2 years of HRT)

(Disclaimer)

Passing is a tricky subject. Not all trans people want to pass, because some view passing as perpetuating the problems with our culture’s idea of what gender is—that it’s a binary, and those who are genderqueer or transgender are not valid. I totally understand that argument and actually agree with it! And yet, I also have to deal with the discrimination if I am not passing. Because, being cis and passing are privileges! And so . . .

. . . I want to provide some tips that I wish I had when I started transitioning. I think these tips are also good for people who identify as masculine but want to present as more stereotypically feminine.

1. Craft a Good Skin Care Routine

When I first started transitioning I saw a lot of youtubers really stress makeup for MTFs. For me, makeup was never really an option though, partly because I’m just not very good at it, but also because I hate the sensation of having something on my face that could rub off onto someone else’s clothes lol. So if you are like me, don’t worry; getting into a good skin care routine is just as valuable!

It took me a while to learn what an actual skin care routine was. I didn’t know that there is a basic form or order that everyone follows, no matter their specific products. I didn’t know that you are supposed to apply cleanser—let dry, toner—let dry, optional serums or eye creams—let dry, moisturizer, and then sunscreen. 

(For anyone interested in specifics, my routine looks like this:

Cataphil Facial Cleanser, Thayers Rose Petal Witch Hazel Toner, Optional Moisturizing Mask, ROC Retinol Corexion Night Cream (only at night), Cerave Facial Moisturizing Lotion

I personally haven’t found a facial cleanser as good as Cetaphil. I also haven’t found Toner as good as Thayers. Apparently toner is important for balancing skin PH before applying moisturizer. This can be a big deterrent for acne and decrease overall irritation of your skin, also smoothing out the appearance of pores. I love Cerave moisturizers because they have 3 ceramides that help maintain the health of your skin’s barrier, which also can help get rid of pimples and generally soothe your skin. And I use Roc retinol because I wanted the strongest over the counter cream I could get. It’s never too early to start anti-aging/blemish correction/pore minimizing treatments lol)

2. Keep Your Eyebrows Subtle

One thing I do that’s different than when I first started is with my eyebrows. I used to idealize a very thin brow and a high arch, but I don’t anymore. I think I went overboard with my brows and ended up looking less natural and more startling than I wanted to lol.

3. Pick the Right Hairstyles for Your Face Shape

So, if you talk to hairdressers, stylists, or people who went to beauty school they will tell you that, in theory, “ideal” feminine face shape is the oval and that female celebrity hairstyles often accentuate this shape in order to create the most flattering or feminine appearance possible.

So, for the girls who already have a super oval face, you don’t really have to do much I guess, but I definitely was not in that category.

I, like many trans girls, have a more square or oblong face and, consequently, I benefit from having hair that is shoulder length or longer, with some layers (especially around the face). Alternatively, you can pull pieces out of your hair (when it is pulled back) to fall around your face and frame it. This helps to not only make my head look a bit smaller (cis women usually have smaller heads than AMABs) but also created a more rounded, ovular shape.

Another thing that I find helps me pass is wearing my hear up in a high bun. This might seem counterintuitive since you would think that it would make your head seem bigger, but I think it actually helps to create that oval. I hardly ever get misgendered when my hair is up.

4. Consider Getting Fringe (Bangs)

Trans girls (especially those who transitioned in their 20s or later, like me) sometimes have a more pronounced brow ridge. This is literally just one the results of testosterone on the skull. But one easy and cute way to “correct” this, is to get medium length or long bangs. It not only hides that brow ridge but also can make your face look a bit smaller. If you think they look too boxy or thick, you can always have the stylist thin them out or put layers in them. This can look really pretty and natural.

For me, even though I don’t currently have bangs cut into my hair, I still like to pull my hair back or up and then pull pieces out to a kind of long bang section. I think it can look feminizing.

5. Go Retro with High Waisted Pants

Another anatomical difference between AFABs and AMABs is the length of the legs compared to the length of the torso. AFABs often have longer legs and proportionately shorter torsos. But don’t fear, this can be “corrected” with with some careful wardrobe choices.

High waisted pants make your legs look a bit longer and your torso a bit shorter, which is ideal. If you are having trouble keeping high waisted paints up, you can wear a belt. I personally like high waisted pants because, unlike when I wear leggings, I don’t even have to tuck to look ultra feminine.

6. Pick Up Some Crop Tops and Half Shirts

Along the same lines, crop tops and half shirts can make your torso look proportionately smaller. These can be combined with some leggings or even flowy pants that you pull up above your hips.

7. Have Fun with Heels or Moderate Platforms

You get the idea; giving your legs a boost will make your proportions match that of most AFABs better.

I personally like platforms because I don’t like wearing heels for an extended period of time but I can totally rock my platform slip-ons and boots for dayzzz.

8. Embrace Oversized Sweaters and Shirts

Oversized sweaters can actually make you look smaller, and can hide broader shoulders, especially when they are worn open with a cute formfitting top underneath or even just a camisole.

9. Wear Perfume or Body Spray

This is something I just got into recently. I think it’s one of those finishing touches that can make a big difference. People aren’t going to think you are man when you give off the most beautiful subtle scent of white jasmine lol.

And you can find a scent that feels right for you. Maybe some of them feel too feminine and that’s ok!

10. Get Into the Small Details

Along the same lines, a lot of the small details not only make you less likely to get clocked; they also make you feel great! For me this has involved doing my nails, wearing dangly or hoop earrings, and getting a few rings and bracelets from plato’s closet. (They have pieces there for $1 or $2! It’s fun!)

11. Don’t Be Afraid to Work on Your Voice

When I first started transitioning I literally felt dysphoric just thinking about my voice, so for anyone out there with the same experience, don’t feel bad! It’s ok to ignore your voice, but it’s also ok to work on it.

I watched sooo many youtube videos and even went to voice therapy, but at the end of the day, I found that just speaking the lowest part of my falsetto (that sort of weird mickey mouse voice) eventually led to me settling into something that sounded more passable.

12. Just Have Confidence and Be Yourself!

I’m sending so much love rn to all of you girls. If you want to chat more or anything, or just need some support, just send me an email lfasoldt@umich.edu

I’m a dork, but I’m definitely myself. 

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[concepcionelder]

Skincare 101: The Skin On Facial Area

In addition, the right and healthy life habit plays an important role in the skincare process in warmer. The life habit means the daily diet habit, can make habit and enough sleep habit. As it pertains to the diet plan habit, it indicates the foods you inhale every daily. The fresh vegetables and fruits should be included, for instance tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, watermelon, lemon, kiwi fruit and strawberry. They each contain enough nutrition like vitamin C, E. Standard exercise and enough sleep is even the guarantee for that healthy pores and skin. All in all, they can improve one's metabolism of skin. Turmeric one other one of the best natural antiseptic discover can be seen in every kitchen. Cutting of finger and hands is the same Skincare Tips thing while chopping vegetables or doing a bit of work. Can easily immediately apply turmeric powder onto wound it assists you to stop bleeding and helps with healing of wound. There are extensive skincare cosmetics for wrinkle remedies in the market, although i am only going among others. One of it is the cream that fill the crease of wrinkle or sealing it again DIY Skincare . So wrinkle will appear to be smoothen. Another wrinkle remedy is by way of sticker. Before you retire to bed, stretch the Infinite Restore Skin Cream where the wrinkle are and paste the sticker on the program. The next morning just remove it and the wrinkle will appear reduced. Sadly to say, these cosmetics skincare methods are all on temporary basis, the wrinkle will reappear when you remove the make up or, after few hours removing the sticker, wrinkle will just reform. Another effective anti-aging skincare ingredient is Nano-lipobelle HEQ10; it aids to counter bad of poisons from the sun and other environmental toxic contamination. Hence, it nourishes the skin and reverses the maturing signs to help keep your skin ageless and magnificent. Quality anti-aging skincare products - Use products that contain effective ingredients proven to sagging, wrinkles and dark spots. Cynergy TK is its own ingredient that promotes collagen and elastin production the particular body; additionally, it enhances cells renewal. Hence, it firms up skin and removes wrinkles and age spots to help skin look younger, radiant and entire. We think about grease, we think of nasty oils, concentrate too much of clogged pores, we think of more acne as well as a heavy sensing. And why wouldn't we? Most body oils, especially the ones you might find in common stores are only that procedure. They are low grade, have heavy oils, so they cause more damage than perfect. But why settle for the! Why settle for thick lotions and heavy options a few could get something better? Pay focus to pollen that always causes an allergy especially in spring. Too much exposure towards sunlight would bring you trouble as competently. So wear a silk scarf stored on your hair as being a fashion accessory to shelter from the pollen and sunlight in the same time when happen to be going over. Take associated with the longer winter nights to use skincare products with active anti-aging ingredients like retinol, copper peptides, Vitamin C, AHA/BHAs are kinetin. Your skin absorbs these better giving up cigarettes at rest, so you actually slather them on at nighttime you'll look refreshed upon waking. Don't overdo it, though. One active ingredient at some time is good enough for most people, and overuse of exfoliating ingredients can severely irritate the skin. Besides protecting our skin, another goal of sunscreen is to whiten the skin we have. Therefore we have to make whitening for your skin through the night. And Infinite Restore Moisturizer many girls sooo want to show off their charming body figure by wearing sexy string bikini. Our skin would be disturbed by sunshine more or less, right now there would be color flecks remained the skin we have caused by intrusion of ultraviolet rays. Thus it is also deparately needed for us to do some appeal to whitening skin.

[taeyohonic]

Seat Stealer

(I know Taeyong has red hair in this fic, but not in the picture. However this is the closesed I’ve come finding a gif with the vibe from this story. So please, forgive)

This is my entry for @nctwriters summer prompt challenge! I hope you guys like it.

Prompt: It’s summer break and you love it because that means the library will be totally empty for you to enjoy all to yourself. Except for the fact that when you walk in one day some really cute guy is sitting at your table.

Member: Lee Taeyong

Genre: summer romance / mostly fluff, a bit smut @ the end, so i’ll classify this as m (I guess?) 

Words: 7.3k

“This isn't funny.” “Excuse me?”, cute boy sitting in your seat is looking genuinely confused by your sharp tone.

“That’s my seat.”, you say, pointing unnecessarily at the stool he's wrongfully occupying. Cute boy’s brown eyes change from confusion to mischief in a flash. His mouth forms a sinister grin when he responds.

"You really think you have a right to a specific seat in a public library?" You don't think you do, you know you do.

Nobody else spends as much time here as you. Not even the two librarians. And especially not during summer break.

What is someone like him even doing here? His fiery red hair is tousled in a stylish mess, the kind where you can’t really tell if the guy put in a lot of work or none at all. His sun kissed skin makes you think that being indoors isn’t his preferred choice. And his cloths – swim trunks and a plain white shirt – scream beach day, not making Y/N’s life harder-day.

This boy is so far out of your – and this library’s – league, maybe your best friend Seugil is playing a prank on you.

But even she wouldn’t get a guy like that into a place like this just to mess with a slightly deranged and desperately awkward outsider like you.

Seugil is a solid seven, but this person in front of you is scratching on the ten. And the look he gives you indicates he’s fully aware of that.

You try to stay calm – interactions always bring out the worst in you.

“I always sit here.”, you say trying not to sound as snappy as before.

“Well, you're not sitting here now. So-... this sentence is grammatically incorrect.”, he responds and smirks at you. Oh no, not good. You feel your face getting hot. Even though you try to be rational, this guy is getting to you – both physically and mentally.

You could just walk away, find another place where you can continue your limbo of reading trashy romance novels and writing smutty fanfictions in peace. But this seat is perfect: right under the AC, with a nice view of the indoor court and a shelf full of inorganic – and untouched – chemistry books at the back, that nobody bothers to check out. This is heaven for introverts in the summer.

And this seat stealer is not taking it away from you. Deep breaths Y/N. Deep breaths.

“Would you mind sitting somewhere else?”, you ask in a sweeter voice.

Seat stealer is now looking you over, measuring you up. He won’t be impressed. You didn’t put too much effort in today’s appearance: A white summer dress, floor length so you didn’t have to shave, and a messy bun full of black hair, being hold together by dry shampoo.

You are not ugly. But you sure do not try to put your average features in the best light. Who do you have to impress? The answer is sitting right in front of you, clearly unimpressed.

Self-consciously you try to avert your gaze. Maybe another seat isn’t that bad. But to your surprise seat stealer contradicts his nickname by standing up. The loud scratching of the stool against the linoleum is the only sound in the library.

“I don’t mind. Please.”, he responds standing.

Flabbergasted you switch into autopilot and move around the table to take your rightful seat. But cute guy isn't exactly retreating. He just waits next to your seat and watches you sit down, still with this ridiculously handsome grin on his lips. He definitely is in your personal space. You can smell the sun screen mixed with an herb nuance of freshly cut grass on his skin.

Now sitting, you look up into his dancing eyes.

“Thank you.”, your mom raised a semi polite kid.

“No problem”, former seat stealer says and sits down right next to you. And sits down right next to you? What the hell? You openly stare at him. What. the. hell? There are roughly 40 empty seats in this building. This isn’t a polite distance. This is an invasion. This guy is giving you an amorism just by existing.

You are one move away from just standing up and aborting this whole mission, leaving in defeat. But there is still your pride. And the fact that seat stealer is now no longer watching you but looking at his phone. If you weren’t so sure he is trying to fuck with you... But what alternative is there? At home there is no AC, which would slowly kill you. Finding another seat after the whole stand you just took would undermine your fragile credibility.

And even though you don’t know this guy, loosing this charade with him is not an option. So, you do what any introvert does – detach from the social situation.

Opening your laptop, a dozen new notifications pop up and you are pleasantly surprised that even tough real life is surreal right now, your online community is reliable. You take your time responding to the asks about your next updates and the few chat messages you received since last night. Then you post a text on your tumblr:

gonna finish new chapter as soon as seat stealer lets me exist in peace

Not even a minute later your phone vibrates. You feel curious eyes on you while reading Seugil’s message.

[seugil 10:04 am] somebody dared to sit on your seat? [y/n 10:04 am] somebody has reception while camping? [seugil 10:04 am] somebody tries to change the subject? [y/n 10:05 am] there is not much of a subj. guy was on my seat, guy moved to the seat next to mine, guy is annoying. [seugil 10:05 am] guy is cute? [y/n 10:06 am] guy is cute.

You try to breathe normal. This you can manage. Even if his presence is unwanted and quite frankly rude, you’ll just do what you always do.

“You’re sitting in a library full of books.” Cute boy is definitely not low-maintenance.

“Yes”, you curtly nod, not even looking up from the screen.

“Yet, you read on your computer?” You can feel his eyes on you and turn around. Sure enough there he is – facing you, leaned back, right arm causal swung over the armrest, the whole body angled towards you.

“Rich coming from you, seat stealer.”, you bark and point accusingly at his mobile device resting in plain sight.

“Well, I am here against my will, so…”, he answers and causes you to pause. So, you were right – the boy doesn’t fit in here, and he doesn’t want to. Curiosity wells up, so you try to suppress it, but it’s no use. Who are you kidding? You are interested.

“Who forces you to spend your time in a well-tempered room, surrounded by written knowledge and people who understand the concept of giving you space?” The end sounds like an accusation emphasized by your widened eyes mapping out the sheer nonexistent distance between you two. Cute boy, who just chuckles in response, leans forward to answer your original question, simply skipping your critique.

“Failed my finals, so I have to take them again during break.” So cute boy is dumb, what a waste of perfect appearance. You don’t judge people on things they can’t change. But sitting in a library to study for a test you failed and then only being on your phone? Self-fulfilling prophecy of getting fucked. Seat stealer seems to read your facial expression like an open book – hard to believe given his aversion to print.

“I tried to help my neighbor, got caught, teacher thought it was me cheating, took my test away –“

“-and your summer.”, you finish for him, nodding and believing him. Maybe you want to think of him as a smart person, or maybe his eyes tell you that he wouldn’t lie to a stranger about such a thing.

“No, my mother stole my summer, when she personally drove me here this morning to quote work my ass off unquote”, he corrects me and uses air quotes as well as an unbelievable high-pitched voice to mimic his mother. You really like that he uses “unquote” as well, not many people do.

“So, you didn’t tell her that you actually don’t need to study?”

“I tried”, a huff emphasizes his frustration, “but she won’t believe me.”

Parents who don’t listen suck. But you think that it’s a good preparation for adult life. No adult trusts another adult.

“Sooo-“, you motion towards his cell, “you’ll just bid your time?”

“I wouldn’t call being on level 54 of Candy Crush bidding my time.”

“That, my friend, is the definition of bidding one’s time.”, you chuckle, and he joins you.

“Huh, friend? You don’t even know my name, Y/N.”, he says, mocking you and-… using your name? What the hell? Your confusion must again be readable, because seat stealer answers your unspoken question.

“Your hard case.” The explanation is accompanied by a demonstrative tap on your laptop. Ah, your name tag Y/N’s property – touch and die, a birthday present from Seugil.

Now you don’t know what to say. Should you ask for his name? What added value has this information? There isn’t a single scenario, where his name would be important to you in the future – well no plausible scenario. He could have just offered you his name, but he teases you with it. That’s why Seugil wants you to go out more. Your social skills are underdeveloped at best. So, you just stare at him and blush a bit, because he does the same. After a minute, what feels like eternity, you have enough and just break the contact, focusing once again on your laptop. You feel foolish for even engaging in this banter in the first place.

“Taeyong” It is spoken minutes after your failed attempt to get back to reading and his soft voice holds a hint of an apology. You don’t turn your head again, not ready to face cute boy again so soon after your defeat.

Taeyong – it fits. You can’t wait till you can call him by his name.

Your opportunity arrives two hours later. You have really tried to finish this chapter, but his presence is distracting at best, sabotaging at worst. Although he does go back to his phone after waiting some time to get a reaction out of you from revealing his name.

Again, what the fudge were you suppose to say? Thanking him for telling you? Agreeing with him? What is the protocol when someone whispers his name to you? This is so bizarre, there isn’t even a Wikipedia article for that type of situation – you know, you checked!

But now your battery is running low and the adapter is in your locker with your lunch, which you could use right now. The clock is just shy away from one and your stomach demands food. Normally you would eat in here. At one the receptionist takes her break and smokes behind the garbage cans, which you can see from your seat. So, you can do the forbidden, eat in the reading room.

But now he is here, making everything so much more difficult. Reluctantly you turn in your seat to face him.

“Uhm- Taeyong?”, you start and test out his name. It sounds nice, a bit soft at the end, but with a strong start. You approve.

“Yes, Y/N?”, he answers emphasizing your name as well. He locks his screen, giving you his full attention.

“I’d like to eat lunch now so-“

“Thank god! I really tried being patient, giving you space, yada, yada, yada, but I am starving!”, he groans in relief and stands up from his seat. What is happening? He couldn’t possibly think?

“You coming, Y/N?” Taeyong is steps ahead of you, around your table and you just stare, dumbfounded.

“But..but my laptop?”, you stutter and look at him helplessly and totally overwhelmed. You just wanted him to look after your laptop while you eat outdoors in peace.

“Just put it in your locker.”, he answers nonchalantly and motions for you to get up. What is seat stealer doing with your perfectly planned day? Destroying it, that he does! You stand up, defeated and hungry, and follow him.

“So, you are telling me you’ve never watched Star Wars?” Taayong speaks with his mouth half full, which should be a deal breaker, weirdly enough isn’t. You both are sitting on the grass, even though your white dress is crying its fabric soul out. He is munching on a sandwich, that you are 99,9% sure is a work of his mum. Your own cuscus salad is delicious, and you are glad you spend the extra hour in the kitchen yesterday.

“No, I said quote I’ve never watched the newer ones unquote. Luke, Leia and Han?” a dramatic pause follows, “That, Taeyong, is Star Wars.”

He just shakes his head, looking at you like you’re some foreign entity, ready to fight the humans to death.

“I don’t disagree with you,” Oh it sure feels like it, “But what about Anakin, Padme and Jar Jar Binks? That’s Star Wars as well!” He is getting more animated as he continues, “You can’t just exclude parts of history, just because they aren’t up to your standards!!”, his arms are flailing comically, making his biceps far too present for your liking. This boy sure is beautiful, and wrong.

“I’m the consumer, I make the decisions!”, you proclaim and put a big spoon of your salad in your mouth, chewing contently.

Taeyong’s personality is like a warm winter day – surprising and welcoming. He isn’t as teasing and forceful as you’d predict from your first meeting. His smile is easy, and his mind is fascinating. Even though his appearance, and his confidence of it, makes you sometimes swallow in silence. But the last hour the both of you ate and talked, an easy banter surrounding you. You’d never imagined being comfortable enough to eat next to a strange guy.

Taeyong, however, is such a force without trying, making every sheer obscure decision seem like a no-brainer. Letting your laptop in your locker? Sure. Eating on the grass while wearing white? What are washing machines there for? Watching a prequel that is objectively bad? How else would Georg Lucas financially survive?

“What do you like to do, when you’re not demolishing cinematic classics, Y/N?”, Taeyong asks after a while to end the silence.

You shrug. “Nothing much.”

“You like to read, right?”, he probes, trying to get a more sufficient answer. Well, wrong counterpart, seat stealer.

“It’s effortless and fun.”, you answer packing up your lunch box, signaling the end of this break. Sure, talking to Taeyong is exciting and refreshing. Talking about you makes you feel uneasy, like you are not enough of a subject to talk about.

“I like to swim.”, he says switching gear, not even contemplating packing up his sad remains of a sandwich. You look at his body, which is perfectly build for this sport. His shoulders are broad, his biceps defined. Taeyong is tall in general, his hands being extremly big.

“Isn’t the chlorine bad for your dye?”, you ask slightly judgmental about the red fire on his head. He groans flipping onto his back stretching his whole body on the lawn. His shirt rides up with the motion, revealing a tiny trail of hair, peaking out of his swim trunks. Oh my, you quickly look away, but the thoughts of where this trail leads stay with you and color your cheeks in a rosé blush.

“Don’t remind me.” His hands are in his hair, gripping it tightly. It seems like he is trying to rip it out. “I cannot believe I lost this bet.”, Taeyong adds and looks up at you. Ok, now you are judging hard.

“You dyed your hair because of a bet?”

“I was so sure I’d beat this guy at our last competition before summer break.”, he explains and continues telling you about his perfect swim record, slightly bragging, that it was a no-brainer to win the swim meet. That he absolutely would have, if it weren’t for his googles shifted in an awkward position, leaving him disoriented and his eyes irritated.

“So, the guy who won doesn’t like you very much.”, you conclude.

“Why would you say that?”, Taeyong asks and raises himself up, propping on his elbows.

“Because he chose that color.” The explanation is met with a lopsided grin.

“Nah, Tail is my best friend.” Who needs enemies when you have best friends like that?

“You don’t like it?”, Taeyong asks as he stands up, holding a hand out for you to take. Like so many other things you did today, this again feels easy. You put your hand in his warm palm and he pulls you up in one swift move. Taeyong doesn’t release your hand. He just puts yours into his hair. Who does that?

“Isn’t it soft?” This guy knows no boundaries.

[y/n 03:41 pm] this guy knows no boundaries [seugil 03:45 pm] cute guy is still there? lmfao [y/n 03:45 pm] he put my hand in his hair!! [seugil 03:50 pm] …seat stealer has guts [seugil 03:51 pm] how did it feel? [y/n 03:51 pm] burned like fire [seugil 03:54 pm] ? [seugil 03:54 pm] ? [seugil 03:54 pm] ? [seugil 03:55 pm] ? [seugil 03:55 pm] Y/N!! [y/n 03:55 pm] chill – his hair is flaming red, it’s a metaphor [seugil 03:58 pm] know only 1 boi with flames, snap a pic y/n [y/n 03:58 pm] after u lower me in my grave [seugil 03:58 pm] Y/N [seugil 03:58 pm] Y/N [seugil 03:59 pm] Y/N [seugil 03:59 pm] Y/N [y/n has sent a picture 04:20 pm]

“Did… did you just snap a picture of me?” He sounds incredulous and your blush automatically appears. Damn, damn, damn. With shyness you face him. His eyes are slightly narrowed, and you can’t make out if he’s mad or just impressed.

“No?” More a question than an answer, because you did exactly that. He leans over coming dangerously close.

After lunch you grabbed your adapter and the both of you sat at your prior seats. For the next hour both of you presented millennials at their best, you on your computer, him on his phone. But then Seugil had to be a pain. So, you awkwardly tried your luck. However your paparazzi skills are mediocre at best. Of course he’d noticed. In which universe does such a thing actually work?

“No?”, Taeyong repeats. Now he just sounds impressed by your blunt lie. You shake your head, too deep in this mess to come out unembarrassed.

His face is close, and you can again smell the fresh grass on his skin. The lunch break gave him a slight simmer, making this boy look seriously delicious.

“Let’s make a deal.”, he starts and points to your phone.

“Send me the picture,” over your dead body, “and I’ll never ask why you took it.”

Never? “You’ll never mention it?”, you ask with suspicion in your voice. Taeyong nods. “What it?”

“What’s your number?” He patiently dictates it and you save his contact, sending him the picture without a comment. Seugil’s reply pops up and you feel strangely defeated.

[seugil 04:24 pm] TY-TRACK TAEYONG!! omg omg call me asap when home!!

So, she knows your seat stealer. Taeyong told you that he lives in the city right next to yours. Therefore, the chances of your best friend knowing him were big – Seugil had dated Mark, presumably from the same school – last year. But you had somehow hoped that this seat stealer was yours. Now you are at a disadvantage again.

[Taeyong 04:25 pm] I look like the hottest man in the library

That day will end with an aneurism.

It didn’t. It ended with you leaving soon after the phone debacle with one contact more on your SD card, cute-boy-exposure for more than six hours, enough blushing to permanently damage your skin and a phone call with Seugil. So, Taeyong was not lying – he is wildly known for his swim talent. His gift to effortlessly flirt is legendary, especially given the fact that he never has a steady girlfriend. Not even a parade of flings. Either he silences them with an enchantment or this boy is all talks, no play. But just imagining it, you don’t think the second option is very possible. And it irks you how much that fact sours your mood when you try to go to sleep that night. There is no way in hell you’ll see this guy again. But even when you think that, somehow you know this is a lie. And you’re glad.

“You are really testing me, seat stealer.”, your stern voice is contradicted by your small smile.

But Taeyong moves over in one swift move, taking with him the almost empty cup of iced coffee.

“Just saving you your seat.”

You just shake your head and take your place right next to him. Today he wears a pastel green button-down shirt and jean shorts, hiding his red hair under a black cap. He looks like sin and it irks you how impressed you are and how your heart flutters uncomfortably.

“Yeah, because there are so many seat stealers waiting to make my summer miserable.”, you respond under your breath while firing up your laptop.

The next half hour is spent in silence. Taeyong is on his phone, while you are catching up on the last fanfiction updates. After years of reading and writing smut, you kind of got used to not reacting to fandom fluff in public. But still it feels exciting to read about cockwarming so dangerously close to him.

Just his presence makes your summer much more exciting, even though you would never admit it out loud. For the first time ever, you feel uncomfortable in a good way. Like you could actually manage to sit next to a ten and occasionally talk to it. You hear Taeyong’s moan before you feel his head drop on your shoulder. Your body reacts before your brain does and you title your head towards his. A few inches are separating your lips and you can't breathe.

"Look Y/N! Look at my friends enjoying themselves while I’m a slave of my own misery!", he proclaims and shoves his screen in your face.

There are five guys cramped together into one selfie. All of them with bare chests and shit eating grins. Two of them are holding suspicious bottles in their hands, while one of the guys is concentrating hard on the watermelon slice in his hand. The beach in the background is very familiar and you just continue to stare at the picture. The other option would be Taeyong’s lips. And your body isn't ready for that.

It’s the fifth day in a row this boy has graced your normal, slightly boring, day with his presents. You can officially say, that there is a crush building. And by official you mean that you are sure your intense blushing, the awkward silences after his flirty remarks and your hard to repress heart-eyes whenever he talks about something passionately, are a clear indicator for outsiders. And Taeyong. But he doesn’t tease you much. He talks to you, sometimes brushing his hand against yours, or like now, resting his head on you. This guy sure has some boundary issues and somehow, it’s not driving you away from him. No, you feel yourself moving forward.

Taeyong is a fixpoint for the next weeks, filling in for your best friend, who is still camping in the wilderness. You get to know the cute boy with an ego like Zeus, making it harder to disregard your crush on him. Now you’re again taking a break in the little garden of the library. The sun is hitting your skin hard today. Taeyong’s head is rested in your lap, his phone covering his face, while you lean against an old tree to block the sunshine. Like him, your cell is in front of you, as you see the invite.

[Mark Lee invited you to bonfire party this Friday] accept or decline?

Huh, you aren’t really that tight with Seugil’s ex, but you try not to scare people away that really try to make an effort. And they both parted on good terms, Seugil still sometimes going out to his parties, him sporadically joining our movie nights. This invitation though surprises you. He knows Seugil isn’t here, why asking you to come?

[seugil 02:32 pm] GO! [y/n 02:32 pm] are you stalking me on fb?? [seugil 02:33 pm] stalking, raising, loving – all the same! [y/n 02:33 pm] how boring is camp with fam? [seugil 02:33 pm] unbelievable [seugil 02:33 pm] go to the party [y/n 02:33 pm] why? [seugil 02:34 pm] u deserve to have fun [y/n 02:34 pm] and being alone @ a party is fun? [seugil 02:34 pm] sure seat stealer will be there [y/n 02:35 pm] not good enough

But then you look down and see Taeyong’s eyes. His phone is thrown away and his smile is directed at you. Warmth spreads around your body. Maybe good enough?

“I can just see your inner crisis not being able to claim a seat.”, a very familiar voice chips in your ear and there is an instant blush covering your hot cheeks.

So Taeyong is here. You slowly turn around and there he stands shirtlessly trying to kill your fragile heart. This crush is getting ridiculous. And this guy is just too damn attractive for his and your own good. Taeyong is wearing the same black swim trunks you first saw him in and nothing else. You can see his defined abs. It's no bodybuilder level, but just enough muscle to get your muscle clenched.

His sun kissed skin has a light glister and makes him shine. Taeyong looks like he stepped out of a beachwear ad. You are now just blankly starring at him, but not in the eyes like a normal person. No, your stare is directed at his stomach, then his arms, the lanky bicep and then his fully displayed collarbones. His long neck looks so bitable, you start to chew on your lower lip out of reflex. Then your view moves to his face, where you're met with a teasing smile.

“I'll-... manage.”, you chough out and shield your arms around your midriff. The black strappy summer dress you chose is hugging your figure a bit more than you'd normally tolerate, but summer is ending and you were 80% sure that you’d meet seat stealer here and you wanted to impress him.

“Let's get you a drink and me a refill, shall we?”, he answers and wows his index finger into the right shoulder strap of your dress tugging you lightly into the direction of the keg. Drinking with seat stealer isn’t exactly playing it safe. Not when you have this immense crush on him. And not when he so knows this.

Taeyong sees the hesitation on your face and cocks his head to the side.

“Or... we could discuss why you were just now shamelessly ogling me?”

“Lead the way.”

You see the victory in his smile as he moves his hand away from your shoulder and places it on your back. After all those weeks of physical contact with him, you're still surprised how much his touch does to you. Your heart is pounding fast as he leads you to the table, accompanied by bystanders curiously following the pair of you with their hushed gossip. Self-consciousness creeps up your bones. Do they think we are a couple? Are they judging you for even trying with someone like him? You avert your gaze and focus on the sand at your feet. It's less harmful to your insecurity. Sand doesn't judge you.

“You drink beer, right?” You just nod your head and he gives you a funny look.

“Why so quiet, library girl?”, he asks and fills your cups, placing one of them in your clammy hands. Before you can think of a snarky remark, that won't give away your fragile feelings while still getting him to shut up, you hear his name being called.

“Yo Tae, come back here!”

You turn around and spot a small group of guys sitting in a circle. The bonfire is not far away from them, but just far enough to give the boys an exclusive air around them. All the other guests, that are not swimming or dancing to the summer hits being jammed out of some boxes, are huddled around the big fire, lazily talking in soft voices.

“Thanks for getting me a drink, I'll just go and find my frie-”

“And bring Y/N with you!”, a familiar voice adds, and your eyes widen in shock. Mark? Just your luck, that the only other person you know is evidently a friend of Taeyong. Of course. More people stare at you and follow this exchange curiously. How embarrassing. Taeyong’s friends have the situation reading skills of a seagull.

“Come on, meet my friends, Y/N. Don't make me beg.”, he says and because you don't want to be the center of attention any longer, you crave.

“The guy with the silver hair is Ten, he's sitting next to Mark, who you seem to already know.”, Taeyong starts to murmur in your ear. His skin smells like grass again and it makes your mouth water.

“Lucas is the one closest to the chips – a deliberate choice. I have never seen a human eat so much. WinWin is leaning against him. He can't hold is liquor very well and we've been here since seven.”, he continues as you arrive at the circle.

There is an empty spot, presumably Taeyong's space. It's between WinWin and Ten and it's small. Before you can start your mental breakdown over this, seat stealer intervenes.

“Make room jackasses and let the lady have a seat. She sure likes her seats.” The last part is whispered just for your ears and you feel a shiver running down your spine.

You sit down as gracefully as possible with a drink in hand, wearing a dress and standing on sand. Taeyong follows swiftly, positioning himself dangerously close to you. His shoulder is touching yours and you can feel the warmth of his skin. Trying to control yourself, you take a big swing out of your red cup, wincing at the bitter taste of warm beer.

“I’m so glad you could make it, Y/N.”, Mark begins and winks in your direction.

Mark has always been easygoing, a jock without the teasing layer of bullying unpopular kids. When Seugil dated him last year, it was truly a miracle how well you fitted into their couple activities. They wanted to ride rollercoasters till they had to vomit? You were waiting for them, eating pinkish cotton floss, until you had to vomit. A boat trip? Count your single ass in with a thick book and enough sunscreen to give you a ghostish aura. Maybe your compatibility with the pair was the first sign, that although Mark and Seugil liked each other, they didn’t have the spark making your presence disruptive.

“I haven’t seen you all summer.”, he continues while stealing a chip out of Lucas’ hand, earning a slap in return. All the other boys are looking at you curiously, making you realize that you haven’t said a single word since joining them. You cough shily and respond with caution in your eyes.

“You know me, outdoors isn’t my preferred setting.” “So you’re saying Y/N”, Taeyong starts a lopsided smile dangling close to your face, “your preferred setting is indoors with me?”

“Let’s say indoors, and you are an acceptable disadvantage.”, you answer, bringing the beer to your lips to get some much-needed distance from this boy. You hear a few oh burn from the guys and stare at Taeyong. To hold eye contact with him makes you tingle, the brown of his eyes so deep, you never want to stop staring. The air hums between your bodies, leaving you excited and your heart feeling alive.

“So, you’re library girl?”, WinWin asks and breaks the tension, takes a sip of his own drink while looking curiously at you.

Taeyong talks about you? To his friends? And he uses your nickname? Why? And more importantly, what does he talk to them about? Your crude – antisocial – behavior? Or the way your shoulders keep brushing against each other every time you show him a meme on your computer? Or your tendency to fall silent every time you feel too uncomfortable? Or how he shares his headphones with you, when you just have to listen to the new album of his favorite artist? Or the fact that you have a giant crush on him, which is basically written on your forehead with waterproof sharpie?

“I am?” The answer sounds more like a question, doubt clouding your voice as you look around the circle of his friends. WinWin seems to love your response, clapping his hands together. Clearly excited and clearly just as drunk as Taeyong said, because this boy forgot he holds the cup of beer in his hands, accidentally showering you in warm alcohol. You shrike, closing the distance to your seat stealer to avoid getting more liquid on your dress. Taeyong’s arm comes around you and he tries to twist you into his body, shielding you from the unwanted alcoholic shower. The smell of grass is insane this close to him, your nose stroking his collarbone, breathing in deeply as his upper body shakes with silent chuckle.

“What the hell man?”, he accuses his friend, his voice sounds muffled through your human cocoon.

“Sorr-… sorry. Damn.”, you hear WinWin trying to get up, “I’m just excited to meet the girl keeping you from us this whole summer.”

His words are slurred and laced heavily with alcohol, but you can understand the sentence clear as day. It just doesn’t make sense. You keeping him away? He has to be at the library, because of his failed finals. His mum, not you, forces him to be there every day. Is WinWin that drunk? But as the words leave his lips, your self-proclaimed shield, one second chuckling, goes stiff. You can hear the faint sound of the bonfire crackle behind you, but Taeyong is silent, suspiciously so. Your cheeks heat up, because there is obviously some inside knowledge you’re not prior to.

You peek at Taeyong, just seeing his pointy chin, so you squirm yourself out from under this boy to look him in the eyes. But his arms are stonily holding you in position, direct at his chest, his biceps more like steel bars than flesh.

“We’ll go clean up.”, he says curtly, standing with you in his arms, effortlessly lifting you up in one swift move.

“You’re not even dirty.”, Ten laughs while Taeyong takes long strikes away from his friends, putting growing distance between you and their drunken laughter. You sneak a last glance at them, seeing Mark’s grin, WinWin’s hand on your abandoned beer, Lucas’ face in the chips bag. They don’t care a bit that Taeyong basically manhandled you, half carrying you, half letting you hobble along with his long legs.

You try to scramble your thoughts into an order, which doesn’t sound insane. What the hell just happened? You are heading to the dark water in front of you, totally deserted from the few swimmers earlier. The waves crash against your bare feet and you shrike at the cold water touching your skin. He wouldn’t. No. He wouldn’t dare.

“Take your dress of, Y/N.”, he says, some laughter coming back into his voice while he snaps one of your shoulder straps away with his finger. This was a beach party. Of course you have a swimsuit under your dress. But this was an alibi choice, a deliberate decision to not look too out of place, while still never even considering to actually go for a swim. But you never imagined going to a party without your best friend, or sitting next to seat stealer and his friends, or how good his body felt pressed against you, and how alive you feel with his hand on your shoulder.

So, you take a leap as the both of you continue going into the water. The cold wet is already up to your knee, as you try to stop your feet from moving. You plant them into the sand and Taeyong does magically halt, looking at you, searching your face.

“You don’t have to.”, he breathes gloomily, taking his hand from your shoulder. You must be insane, but that he actually gives you the option to back out of whatever this is, makes you adventurous, as your fingers grab the hem of your black dress, pulling it over you head in one single motion.

Now you are standing in front of your crush in a dark red one-piece suit, which modestly covers most of your body. With shaking hands, because the water is freaking cold, not because you’re just the bravest you’d ever been, you wad the piece of clothing into a ball, giving it to a stunned Taeyong.

“Let’s not even pretend I can throw that far.”, you joke, your voice abnormal high due to the anxiety cursing through your veins. The only answer from your crush is a single toss, sending the item safely onto dry sand. So, at least something is safe in this scenario.

Taeyong’s eyes burn into your skin as the both of you slowly begin your ascend through the deep water. The ocean soon closes in around your bodies, making you less self-conscious about your appearance. Taeyong leads, his back against the open sea, with his front never leaving your sight. Cold fingers dance hesitantly around your clothed waist as he stops, water just covering your hard nipples.

Before he can speak or do anything to silence you, you try to make sense of WinWin’s comment, the remark still fresh in your memory.

“When is your make-up exam?”, you ask with a heavy layer of accusation. Somehow knowing the answer, before Taeyong confirms your suspicion.

“Two weeks ago.”

“Why?”, you whisper, while his hands now rest confidently on your waist.

“Because I like you, library girl.”, he confesses and closes the distance between your bodies.

“How much?”, you whisper and let your fingers hold onto his biceps for support.

“That much that I spend the last two weeks in a library.”, he chuckles confidently and leans down, letting his nose bump into yours.

His breath is visible due to the cold evening air and you stare at his lips, now in plain view. How many times had you dreamt about this? Him? Like that? Before the moment vanishes, Taeyongs lips drive onto yours.

They are warm and soft and fit perfectly on yours. Your mouth matches his intensity, as you feel his tongue tracing your bottom lip. With a soft whimper you let him in. His arms are around moving from your waist to your cheeks. Taeyong’s wet hands frame your face and title your head back.

Your bodies are pressed together, and your tongues explore each other in a heated banter. He tastes like beer and honey and you try to get closer to him. He moans, feeling your breast flushed against his bare chest.

No more distance, you think and touch every inch of skin. Your fingers brush against his abs, mapping out the muscles and earning a deep growl from him. In a flash his hands are no longer on your face. Now they are firmly on your butt cheeks. You yelp in surprise as he lifts you up, guiding your legs around his waist.

The air is leaving you as you get drunk on this kiss, warmth arising in your core. Tayeong lets go of your mouth and moves his lips downwards to your neck, lightly sucking on your wet skin.

“How?”, you whimper, your brain no longer capable of the syntax.

“How what?”, Taeyong murmurs into your neck, never letting his lips leave your body.

“H- how can this feel so good?”, your voice is strained from a tension you have never felt before. Automatically you start to roll your hips and hope it will relieve this strain in your lower body.

“How can it no-… Y/N,” Taeyong’s groans, “you trying to unman me?”

His hands try to still your motions, but then he snaps, buckling into you.

“Ah”, breathlessly you encourage him. This is fast. This is not playing it safe. Your lips are on his and you try to consume him. Taeyong’s hands move from your butt to your hips, assisting your hips and fastening their speed. It feels like the water is boiling as one hand reaches between you two. He uses two fingers and lays them directly against your clit.

“Ahh” Too much pressure, just enough, never enough.

“P-pplease.”, you beg. “Shit”, he starts to move them in sloppy circles. You continue to grind against him, now feeling a hard length press against your slit. The moan out of your seat stealer’s lips sounds desperate as you rub against him. It feels so good, even through his trunks can you feel his cock twitch and it makes you so hot, you’re certain the water around you is boiling.

“Never stop”, you whisper and find a rhythm. The tension continues to build. “You feel so good wrapped around me” His words are spoken against your mouth, trailing wet kisses across your jaw, finding their purpose on your collarbone. Taeyong’s fingers move the fabric of your swimsuit away to touch your clit without any barrier. You flex your legs instantly, overwhelmed by the electric current running through your body, making your skin tingle.

Then his teeth sink in your neck at the same time his index finger moves between your folds. All thought is lost as you scream silently buckling franticly against him. You see light flash behind your eyelids as an orgasm rips through you. Never had your own fingers managed to give you this high. Your hips draw lazy circle around his length as you are trying to regain control.

“Wow”, you breathe, and your hands roam around Taeyong’s upper body, who still lightly nibbles on your collarbone. He chuckles against your wet skin.

“How you feeling, Y/N?”, he asks and moves his hand away from your heat, up to cradle your cheek. You look into Taeyong’s eyes and see a fondness in them, that shines through the darkness of this night. He looks as smitten as you feel. But at the same time there is a hunger in his stare that reminds you of his hard erection still pressed into your lower body. Now your shyness comes out in full force. What to do? What to say? Everything up to this point felt as natural as breathing, now you’re again overwhelmed, and your mushed, orgasm-high brain is no help either.

“You want me to..?”, you question and try to sound seductive, your hand vaguely motioning to his crotch underwater. Taeyong just shakes his head, letting small waterdrops rain from his wet red hair. Before you can feel rejected, he kisses you openmouthed, making you forget the slight pain of the mark on your neck.

“Please, if I don’t get my first handjob from you in the reading room of our library, my dirty fantasies would never forgive me.”, he answers warming your heart more than his gifted orgasm beforehand.

[seugil 11:38 pm] Y/N WHY ARE YOU WET ON EVERY SINGLY TAGGED PIC OF THIS PARTY?? [seugil 11:38 pm] AND WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR NECK? [y/n 11:42 pm] anD WhAt iS tHaT oN yOuR nEcK?

[vickypoochoices]

Christmas Countdown Part 2.

[Masterlist.]

Days 1-5.

Day 6.

The day seemed to drag, and as soon as she returned home after a long day of classes, she curled up into a ball on the sofa. She sighed loudly, flicking aimlessly through the channels on the TV, feeling well and truly sorry for herself. She could say it was because she'd had a hard day, but apart from being long as hell and just as boring, nothing out of the ordinary had really happened. Maybe it was the weather? Miserable looking and bitterly cold. Deep down, she knew though. It had been almost twenty four hours since she sprawled out on this very sofa, grinning from ear to ear as she enjoyed her favourite Christmas film, thanks to her secret admirer. Today there was nothing. She knew there was no real pattern, but today she was impatient.

"Wow, you look how I feel."

Having been wrapped up in her thoughts, she jumped out of her skin as Chris slumped on the sofa next to her.

"What's eating you Powell?"

"My great auntie just passed away."

She found herself sitting up, back painfully straight, as she heard his words.

"God, I'm sorry Chris. Here I am moping around like a love sick teenager, and you're trying to deal with this." She pressed her hand lightly into his, giving him a quick squeeze.

"It's okay. I can't say we were super close. But it's still sad. I'm off first thing in the morning, see if I can help out the family in any way. Guess you and Kaitlyn will be having a girls night in then."

"I think Zack would have something to say about that.'

Chris frowned at her response.

"Didn't you see the note on the fridge? Zack's off on a date tonight. The note says don't wait up for the next few nights at least. Wonder who this guy is, must be kind of serious if he's taking a toothbrush round. I figured you would have seen the note seeing as it was practically on top of your little love note."

She scrambled upwards, almost tripping over her own feet in her haste to reach the fridge.

"Chris. Zack's note is on top of mine. Did you put it there?"

"Huh. I must have done. They were both there earlier, I must have accidentally covered your's without thinking. My bad." Giving her an apologetic smile, he slowly raised to his feet.

"I'm gonna go pack some things and get some rest. I'll see you in a few days."

After they exchanged a brief goodbye cuddle, she rounded on the fridge, fingers reaching out to grasp the note eagerly.

Day Six - To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world x.

Clutching the note tightly to her chest, she pottered back to the sofa, spending the next hour reading the same words over and over, smile growing broader with every passing minute.

Day 7.

"Hey sleepyhead, wake up."

She blinked repetitively as a familiar voice shook her from her sleep.

"Kaitlyn, what time is it?"

"Way too early. Sorry babe. Look I hate to have to do this to you when everyone else is away, but there's this awesome gig we've just been offered. Last minute thing, another band pulled out and we've been asked to fill the slot. It's kind of a big deal, but we have to leave now. I swear I'll be back first thing tomorrow, I just didn't want you waking up alone and having to find out by text."

She nodded her head in response, barely able to keep up so early in the morning.

Kaitlyn pushed her gently back on the bed, tucking the covers in tightly around her.

"You go back to sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."

***

She found herself curled up under a blanket, in the usual spot on the sofa that evening, feeling a little lost. This place seemed huge when she was all alone. She reached for her phone, hoping a little social media stalking would make her feel less lonely, when she realised she'd missed a text from an unknown number.

Day Seven - You've got five questions. Whatever you ask, I have to answer honestly. Choose wisely! x.

Now this was interesting! But also a little crazy. He must have known the obvious question would be about his identity. She had five questions, no chance was she wasting them. She could do with a little fun tonight.

Why are you doing this?

I wanted to buy you a nice gift, I looked in every shop you can think of. Then I realised that you deserve so much more than a piece of jewelry, or a new handbag. I want you to know just how much you mean to me, and this is the only way I can think how.

Big spoon or little spoon?

Ladies choice! As long as it's you in that bed with me I'll be happy.

What do you wear to bed?

I can't sleep unless I'm completely naked.

Can I text you anytime?

Yes.

And you'll reply?

We'll see about that. For now, you've had the five questions I promised you. Day eight is just around the corner x.

Damn it! She had the perfect opportunity to find out who was behind all this, and she'd thrown it away! Now she wasn't so sure she'd get another chance.

Day 8.

See you in ten mins, hope you know we're ordering food in, I'm in the mood for some serious junk food right now xxx

She smiled as she read the text from Kaitlyn. She was beyond excited for her return. She'd been delayed in traffic on the drive back so it had been yet another dull day with nobody around for company. She'd ventured out to the coffee shop and found Zig drowning in a sea of impatient looking customers that she wasn't brave enough to battle through, so she'd just come home and moped some more.

Suddenly the front door burst open and she found herself being knocked backwards on to the sofa, a small frame awkwardly tackling her side on with surprising force.

"Did ya miss me?" Kaitlyn grinned, chin propped on her shoulder.

"I was, but I'm starting to question why now you've just crushed me half to death."

"Pfftt, you're going soft in your old age!"

"Hey!" She giggled, shoving Kaitlyn playfully.

A swift knock at the door had them both heading towards it, curious as to who it could be.

"You could have waited to order food, how do you know what I want?" She frowned at Kaitlyn.

"I didn't order yet I swear."

Kaitlyn pulled the door back, and they both let out similar forms of confused little mews. On the doorstep was a large tub of ice cream, post it note neatly in place on the lid.

"Looks like I got back at the perfect time! Here, you have this, I'm calling dibs on the first scoop." Kaitlyn pinned the post it note sloppily on her chest as she bounded off in search of a spoon.

Day Eight - On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me eight maids a-milking x.

"Cool. That super old English Christmas rhyme! So I'm guessing he's gone for the cheaper option and cut out the middle maids here. And come to the assumption that a pint of ice cream would go down better than a pint of milk. And he'd be absolutely right of course! Free ice cream always tastes sooo much better than regular ice cream, am I right, or am I right?"

"That free ice cream, I think you'll find, is all for me!"

Day 9.

"I, for one, can not wait to eat everything in sight once we get to Abbie and Tyler's."

"Alright Zack, just because you haven't seen the light of day recently, no need to rub it in."

"Sounds like someone is regretting their choice of questions now. Honestly, how could you mess up like that? If you played your cards right you could have been at it like rabbits too."

She winced, both at his tone and words. Knowing he was probably right was frustrating to admit.

"All right you two, can we promise no more talk of this until after dinner? It's been a while since we all got together like this, and i could do with a nice happy evening now I'm back." Chris piped up from the back seat of her car.

"Fine." They both replied in unison.

***

An hour later they were mostly all sat down waiting to eat when the doorbell rang.

"Here he is."

"At last."

Zig winked, raking a hand through his hair as he entered the doorway.

"Sorry guys. Work was hectic today. This meal is the only thing that kept me going all day!"

"I know the feeling." Zack muttered sarcastically, prompting her to give him a kick under the table.

"I saved you a space over here Zig." She patted the vacant seat next to her, smiling as he slid in next to her, arm draping loosely across the back of her chair.

"What she means is no one else wanted to sit next to her, so you've drawn the short straw tonight my friend." Zack chuckled at his own joke.

She kicked him again, a little harder this time, but instantly regretted it as Zig grunted instead of Zack.

"Crap. Zig I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it." He waved his hand dismissively. Jigging his feet a few times to try and ease the pain.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they all tucked in to the food. Half way through she realised someone was playing footsie with her underneath the table. After the third time, she retaliated. Their feet did a little dance together, and then she rubbed her calf suggestively against the offenders. She glanced around the room coyly, hoping to catch a glimpse of surprise on someone's face, but everyone was busy eating and chatting away, no out of the ordinary facial expressions at all. She realised at some point she must have been smiling like a fool, as her face dropped and her jaw suddenly ached. Her heart raced as she contemplated her actions. Did this mean one of her friends was her mystery lover? And had she really just attempted to flirt with one of them? What the hell was she doing? She was way too caught up in all of this.

Hours later, tummies full to the brim, they all bid farewell to Abbie and Tyler and hobbled out to the cars. Waving to James, and then Zig, as they drove off in their separate cars, she stilled as she spotted something poking out underneath one of her windscreen wipers, flapping lightly in the breeze. Her fingers worked quickly, finding yet another post it note as she freed it from the wipers grip.

Day Nine - A smile is a curve that sets everything straight x.

And just like that, the familiar ache she'd felt earlier on at dinner returned, as she beamed down at the latest note.

Day 10.

She smiled absentmindedly as she took her time strolling through the mall, people surrounding her frantically rushing for no real reason.

She'd decided to make a start on her Christmas shopping before things got too chaotic in the lead up to the big day. So far she'd picked up a scarf for her Mum and some novelty socks for her Dad that she knew were corny as hell and exactly the kind of thing he'd love.

Lacking inspiration, she decided to take a look around a book store. Maybe she'd find something in there for a gift? But she was more interested in finding something for herself. A book she could lose herself in, whilst she was holed up at home for the holidays. She'd already delayed her return home, pushing it back as far as possible before the big day. Nothing felt more like home to her now than right where she was, with her friends, they were the people she relied on more than anything.

As she perused the various different sections, she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. Whirling around, she came face to face with an employee, a book clutched tightly in her hand.

"Sorry to interrupt you. I'd just like to pass this on to you, I was told you'd be expecting it."

Handing the copy over, she returned to the front of the store at a startlingly quick pace.

Her eyes twinkled as she read the back cover. A book she'd read countless times, but one that always cheered her up and had her in stitches. Bridget Jones's Diary. A splash of pink poked out the top, grabbing her attention. As she had suspected, she found a pink heart shaped post it note as she thumbed through.

Day Ten - Thought you could do with something to keep you company when you go back home. I hope this book brings you comfort when I can't x.

Days 11-15.

Tagging: @zigortega4life @emerald-bijou @krsnlove @darley1101

Let me know if you want to be added :)

[hardlicorex]

09/23/22

OK. Boss was like you got a really great check coming Friday- Friday comes - paycheck not so great - still under 1k -_- I've done better J... Anyway, I had 3 - literally 3 advances 2 100 and 1 60 dollar advances so that drops my 972 dollar check down to 700 immediately - I was counting on a 1200 dollar one but apparently I didn't do as well as I expected -_- I'm done taking these advances - D isn't getting any money this check. He'll be fine - I am NOT doing a big grocery order this time either. We can both stand to lose a good 10 pounds so I'll get food day to day. I need clothes bad so I'm going to see about going thrifting. I absolutely have to get a side gig going ASAP - I have to before the end of the month I think which I'm already exhausted after a shift at my first job already :/ I still haven't started reading or studying and haven't picked up dancing or martial arts or rock climbing yet - nope. Nothing - not even pottery - because I'm broke AF. I have so many things I need to get and it's just looking a bit dismal. Plus on top of it the cat has fleas and I am bit the fuck up and also I need a facial and my hair fixed and so much done to improve my appearance. All that being said, I did get accepted to ASU - so that is epic. I actually have an opportunity to go back to school - the only thing scaring me is the cost factor - I have enough financial aid for maybe 1.5 years - but not a full 3 to complete the program. I definitely have to fix a lot of things in that first year to ensure I can actually complete the program - best option seems to be working at starbucks part time to cover it - which I'm already a barista so maybe that isn't as bad as it sounds - it's just the hours are going to be long but at the same time - there is a lot of time in the day and once I get used to it - it might not be so bad. If I could manage to increase my pay another 2k a month - up to 3500 to 4000 a month - that would be extremely helpful for a better standard of living. Anyway I absolutely have to start a hobby this paycheck and I'm nervous but excited to do something new. I am happy I can start school in 3 months - so I need to start prepping now. Books are going to cost a lot and like I said I definitely need to consider my options to help pay for it as well as getting a car soon. I weigh 112.8 this morning. I keep getting mixed reviews on my looks -_- sometimes I'm told I look 19 other times I'm told I look my age --- SOOO yeah. I definitely would like to lean towards the 19 but I'm a little paranoid since I AM going to be 30 in 7 months - which I had plans to completely reinvent myself BEFORE turning 30 flirty and thriving :D I wanted to be established overall - also I connected with an old English prof a few days ago and it's made me want to try writing again as well. I gave up poetry and short stories and I really used to be good at that - I wish D could have seen when I first started college and how epic I was lol I don't even feel like I have that in me anymore - but I haven't tried anything in such a long time - I just exist day to day - I watch way too much television and focus too much on simple pleasures like eating and what not. I don't like alcohol - I am essentially sober aside from the occasional drink every 2 weeks or more. I don't even drink THAT much. But yeah I'm missing out in more ways than one with this existence - I need to start traveling too - I'm missing out :/

[werevulvi]

Time for a few updates, I think. The biggest news are: I just got my period back a few days ago! On the 28th of November. It's still ongoing. It's been a light flow all along, but for the first 3-4 days I had really bad cramps. Like they were REALLY bad. I mean double-folding and literally screaming, kind of bad. So I was popping painkillers pretty much constantly just to cope with it. Now those cramps are still happening but much milder, so don't need to take painkillers anymore.

I think the reason I got so bad cramps, which has never happened before, is because I likely still have high levels of testosterone and/or my reproductive system is still a bit roughed up by the testo and needs more time to come around. So I don’t worry about it. Just my body getting a rude awakening from its hibernation on testo.

I've not gotten my hormone levels checked again, but I'm pretty sure they're all over the fucking place since about a week before I got my period. I've been extra sad, upset, easily offended, hyper-sensitive, even more easily angered than usually. Physically I can't regulate my body temperature at all. I'm always either too cold or over-heating and it fluctuates between those two states constantly.

And I think this roller-coaster reaction is because my estrogen is storming within me due to the period thing, and fluctuating really a lot between high and low levels. I've not taken my local estrogen pills for my vaginal atrophy since I got my period back and it seems I may not need it anymore, but I'm unsure cause I still had atrophy issues up until getting my period.

I went back on the testo-blockers again. I got very dysphoric about my changes from the testo again. It actually got me to the brink of being suicidal even, so I thought going back on the blockers might be a good idea. I’ll try to not get into an on and off relationship with them.

I wouldn't say I'm truly suicidal, but damn I do wish I was dead, quite a lot. It's just sooo hard to go through with all this sadness,  pain, grief and medically induced dysphoria that it's just breaking me. And the hormonal mess most certainly isn't helping my mood. Past 2 days have been a little better, but just... holy shit, the pain of detransitioning is nearly killing me. I just feel so sad about my body, what I've done to it. I do love my body, and I want the very best for it. I never get any urges to self harm, but I struggle to comfort and care for myself and staying positive.

I feel a terrible disconnect and aversion to the changes. But it's just sadness and a calm frustration like just not knowing what to do, there's no hate or anger. Been trying to just play with the thought of possibly one day in any future get my beard lasered off, cause that thought still scares me. I'm terrified I'd regret it even though it makes me miserable to have and deal with it. So I'm definitely holding off on that and won't do anything drastic in that direction anytime soon. I know that how I feel about my facial hair has been fluctuating really a lot and that I need to give it lots more time to think about what I should do with it, so that I can come to a wise decision. I'll keep shaving in the meantime, but it doesn't feel like a long-term solution.

I've also been researching breast reconstruction a bit more as well. Looked into the two different methods (implants vs flap), gone through my concerns and questions a bit more in depth, looked at pictures, read some accounts from women who've been through that, etc. There's still a lot I can't possibly know before a consultation with a surgeon about it though, cause of my chest being it’s own unique case, kinda. And I think my biggest question in all of that is my nipples. Because they've been relocated and I've heard that means they can't be relocated again and if they might end up in a weird position after surgery due to their current location, I really don't know what could be done about that. But then having a little wonky looking nipples wouldn’t be the worst thing either.

But an idea hit me, that if it could be a viable option for me, I might actually just ditch my nipples for reconstructed ones. Because of the kinda bad state of my nipples, I think reconstructed ones would likely be better on all points. They got kinda butchered by my top surgery and the drawn-out healing process after it, and I don't really feel emotionally attached to them. They have almost no sensation, are permanently discoloured, are uneven in both size and shape, are very scarred, etc.

I dunno, I don't think they look really terrible or anything, and I mostly just shrug about them. So ultimately it doesn't really matter to me if I'd keep them or get new ones. I know this is something I can only find the answer/solution to by actually talking to a surgeon. I'm just speculating, researching, reflecting and fantasising until then as a way to mentally prepare myself for pretty much anything. So that I’ll know what decisions to make on that day. 

But damn, I'm really looking forward to having breasts again! That thought and mental picture just fills me with so much ease and awe. I don't care if they'd be scarred or a little weird-looking. That would just give them some character. What I can tell from pics I've seen, I'd be happy with a lot of very different results. I’m very far from a perfectionist, I’m a realist with a vivid imagination. I keep an open mind, and heart, to it. Then we’ll see what I’ll end up with. And in case I need to clarify: how I feel about my chest since detransition has not been fluctuating at all. If anything I just feel increasingly worse about its current state. And the more I look into those feelings and the surgery info available, the more certain I get that that's the right route for me. So I feel increasingly more confident about that, the more I learn and the better I come to understand it.

[humanities-angstiest]

Know I’m Lying

Sooo...I wrote klangst. First time posting on tumblr so fingers crossed I don’t format wrong or whatever.

Tags: Keith/Lance, Established relationship, emotional hurt/comfort, thats pretty much all this is, sad keith and good boyfriend lance

The breaths stuttered in and out of him, sharp and singular and not deep enough to do his lungs any good. It hurt to the point that not breathing at all seemed the better option, at least until he could regulate it. Still, Keith gasped for air, clutching the cotton fabric over his chest uselessly with trembling hands. The space surrounding his body was too open, the air at his back unable to support or protect him. From what? Keith didn’t know. The world, probably, just to cover all his bases. He slid off the edge of his and Lance’s bed and onto the floor, his back against the firm mattress as he curled inward to make himself smaller. Keith cursed himself for spiraling into self-pity but continued to sob hideously and unapologetically in the empty apartment.

The panic — stupid, illogical panic — sharpened his thoughts, racing from reason A all the way to reason Z for why Lance would leave him. He already did leave, Keith’s mind helpfully reminded him. Walked right out their apartment door twenty-four minutes ago.

The gross sobbing abated as exhaustion set in, leaving Keith calm enough to reflect on why he was breaking down in the first place. He roughly wiped away the wetness under his eyes and inhaled as deeply as he could through his stuffy nose. Of course Lance wanted to get dinner with their friends. They hadn’t hung out all together in three weeks, too busy with exams and part-time jobs to relax for a meal together. Keith, however, did not. Not tonight. The thought of seeing their friends after time apart built an icky feeling in Keith’s chest, a dark sludgy glob of guck clogging his insides and pressing too hard against his heart. Hunk and Pidge were good friends, he had fun when he hung out with them. These reminders did nothing to filter out the guck.

Keith knew this mood of his was irrational but he indulged it. He didn’t want to leave the apartment. He didn’t want to be around people, didn’t want to monitor his facial expressions and focus on holding a conversation. There was an unfounded fear that too much time had passed and Hunk and Pidge weren’t his friends anymore. Dinner with them would be awkward as they worked to reconnect. It was easier to back out of plans.

Calming himself to reflect reopened the floodgates because at the end of memory lane was the memory of Lance and him fighting. Lance wouldn’t understand; he loved being around people. Not Keith. Some days, like today, the thought of going out in public and having thousands of eyes pass over him was too daunting. Keith knew they didn’t care, no one was closely scrutinizing him. It didn’t matter what he wore or if he tripped when he walked; anyone who saw him would forget in a minute. Logic didn’t stop his thoughts from convincing him he would be a spectacle, observed by everyone and picked apart under their eyes. It was his mind picking him apart, his voice saying the nasty things, but the faces were random, an endless crowd armed with the self-deprecating thoughts his mind supplied.

Lance didn’t understand why Keith was adamant about staying in the apartment and avoiding Hunk and Pidge because Keith didn’t explain. How could he explain that, at least for today until his thoughts could be contained and shoved back in a dark corner of his mind, he could not spend time with their friends and enjoy it? From Lance’s point of view, his boyfriend was being selfish, wanting them to cancel plans and stay home because Keith didn’t feel like going out. That was the nicer word Keith imagined Lance used for him. He already forgot the words Lance shouted at him before storming out, a small blessing his mind afforded him, but it didn’t let him forget how he shouted at Lance to leave. Keith’s words echoed in his head. His voice, angry and seemingly unsympathetic to Lance’s desire to see their friends, telling Lance he didn’t want him around. His eyes told a different story, begging Lance to ignore the words he was too proud to take back. It made no difference what his eyes said. Lance left to get dinner with Hunk and Pidge, leaving Keith to crumble when the finality of the door closing behind the blue-eyed male settled into the stifling quiet of the apartment.

Lance wasn’t coming back. Why would he? What did Keith offer him, except hurtful words? Keith was a mess. It only made sense for Lance to leave him. Lance was sunlight. Warmth emanated from him like a beacon, drawing people in. His warmth could be calming or energizing, but it always brought joy. If Lance was sunlight, Keith was moonlight. Some degree of chilly depending on the season, making a person not want to be in it for long. Lance leaving him was inevitable, because Keith would never leave Lance and Lance would never stay with someone like him.

Air once again evaded Keith’s lungs. His nails dug into his crossed arms and he rocked slightly, pitifully attempting to comfort himself. The sound of gasping sobs interspersed with hiccups filled his ears, covering the sound of the front door opening, bags dropping, and Lance frantically shouting his name as the Cuban ran towards the source of the noise.

Hands gripped Keith’s strongly, prying them off his arms but leaving behind crescent marks. Keith looked up from under his bangs to see his boyfriend’s worried frown. Tears were gathering in the corners of Lance’s eyes. He was a sympathetic crier, and that fact almost made Keith laugh but his dark thoughts weren’t done with him yet and the only thing he could think about was how Lance probably came to pack a bag to stay at Hunk’s until he found another place to live and was too good-hearted to leave when he found his ex crying on the floor of their room.

“Hey, Keith. Keith, sweetheart, what’s wrong? Shh, I’m right here. Shh.” Keith’s sobs grew louder at the familiar pet name. When Lance removed Keith’s vicious grip on himself he kept Keith’s hands grasped in his, but Keith moved them to Lance’s shoulders, sliding down to strong biceps and then pushing into the space between arms and torso to wrap around Lance’s back. Keith fell forward into Lance’s chest, partly from his own movement and partly from Lance pressing them tightly together.

“Babe, shh. Please don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you cry.” Lance rocked them, making hushing sounds against Keith’s ear until the black-haired male’s tear ducts ran dry and his breathing calmed to an acceptable rate of inhales to exhales.

“Keith?”

Keith snuggled against Lance’s chest, his voice a rasping whisper. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Lance sighed. “It was a stupid fight.” Lance rubbed his hand up and down Keith’s back before shifting away to stand up. At the look of returning panic on Keith’s face, Lance knelt down and cupped Keith’s cheek in his palm.

“Hey, we’re fine. I was just going to make sure the take-out is okay. I may have dropped it in the entryway when I heard you crying.” Lance shrugged a shoulder with a small smile.

Keith released a stuttering sigh, tilting his head into Lance’s palm and placing a gentle kiss against the warm skin. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Lance frowned. “We already apologized. It was a dumb fight. I should have listened better when you said you didn’t feel like going out. I know you wouldn’t blow Hunk and Pidge off if everything was fine.” Lance’s eyes traveled up and down Keith’s curled form.

“I’m sorry.” Lance’s eyes widened at the crack in Keith’s voice and the silent tears slipping down his red-tinted cheeks.

“Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Lance brushed his hand through Keith’s soft hair, focusing on keeping the tremble out of his hand. He had never seen Keith this distraught, and it scared him because he caused it.

When Lance angrily left the apartment half an hour ago, the cool night air soothed him on his walk. Even for him, being around people could get exhausting. But the night was quiet, gentle, distant enough to let him breathe and think while still encompassing him in its soft glow. He loved it.

Keith had been reserved all day, more so than usual, though it didn’t strike Lance as odd until now, after their fight. Keith was whining four days ago about stupid exams keeping friends apart and how he really needed to tell Pidge about this documentary on deep sea creatures he watched, so Lance should have realized that his refusal to meet Hunk and Pidge for dinner was not Keith’s standard reluctance to go out.

Lance texted Hunk to cancel and changed his course, stopping by the Korean restaurant Keith loved to order take-out. As he waited for their food, he wondered what Keith was doing back at the apartment. Lance imagined him grouchily sitting on the couch, flipping through channels and yelling to the wind that Lance was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad boyfriend.

Would Keith even want him to come back? He did yell for Lance to leave. But at the same time… Lance sighed upon the realization that Keith was subconsciously testing him. Keith was too simple and good for tactics like that, but regardless, the gauntlet was thrown down and Keith waited to see who Lance would choose, his boyfriend or their friends. And Lance didn’t realize until too late. Keith would never ask Lance to pick him over Hunk and Pidge. All Keith wanted was for Lance to stay with him tonight because their friends would still be there tomorrow.

Glad that he figured this out now instead of in the middle of dinner with Hunk and Pidge, Lance added a small skip to his step as he walked home, ready to share take-out with his boyfriend and cuddle on the couch. He wasn’t ready to find his boyfriend a hyperventilating mess on their bedroom floor.

“I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m right here, Keith. We’ve fought worse than this. I’m still right here. You and me, ‘kay?”

Keith sniffled and wiped his tears away, shivering slightly from the coldness inside him. Lance removed his green jacket and draped it over Keith’s shoulders, helping Keith slide his arms in. Lance smiled warmly at his small boyfriend pulling the edges of the jacket closed with sleeve-covered hands.

Lance shuffled so he sat back against the bed and pulled the tear-stained male into his lap. Keith sunk down until his head rested on Lance’s shoulder.

“You and me, Keith. I’m not going anywhere.”