#the evil muse i blame for this is @spohkh

[barracudablue]

I just fucking can’t stop thinking about my own mind playground version of “HBO” SPN.

Dean Winchester smokes Virginia Slims but he claims it’s because they were his mom’s brand and defends the inherent masculinity of all cigarette smoking until a female character smoking Marlboro reds or Camels won’t stop calling him princess and babydoll with a smoke hanging off her lips while chambering a sawed off shotgun and saving his ass (and not being killed ever or showing her tits because this show is about inverting tropes so we just see male nudity in situations that emphasize physical vulnerability). Who knows maybe she even grabs his dick and it’s extremely wrong and inappropriate and he is rightfully upset about it but feels like he can’t say anything because he is a Man.

And sure, we all want him to have self destructive hook ups in rest stop bathrooms, but more importantly can I please have some terrible coffee that is way too hot out of the rest stop vending machine that he tries to convince Sam is actually good? Dean is addicted to stimulants of every kind so the coffee seems pretty good to him.

Sam btw literally listens to Hozier. Dean secretly loves Chris Isaak. (Please, someone mention the Chris Isaak show I bet Dean would love that shit.) Sam spends the entire series trying to convince Dean that it is OK to not be straight, but Dean doesn’t trust him because he’s way too academic about it. Dean directing some kind of class-based anger at his own brother who wishes he could escape the hunting lifestyle and therefore passes judgment on hunters because of his own insecurities. So eventually Sam realizes it isn’t a crime to be poor, stereotypes about poor people are designed to make people feel like they themselves aren’t victims of capitalism as long as their apartment is equipped with a dishwasher or whatever, and he ought to just accept himself, you can be smart and wear carharts (in the same way Dean should just figure out that being gay is fine).

Just for me, let’s put a sprinkle of Dean having a crush on Fox Mulder.

Castiel pops in, he is murdering a whole bunch of people like, “Who cares? It’s God’s will and their problem if they were sinners because we have a system in place.” And he smells like incense all the damn time, when he comes into the room people are hallucinating or hearing colors or whatever. Dean is like, “Oh my fuck this is the hottest person I’ve ever met. He terrifies me by being perfect and flipping over all of my ideas about myself by being both bone-rattlingly powerful and extremely gentle to ONLY me wtf. I must treat him like shit because I’m afraid of love.”

When Cas tries to use electronics sometimes they explode like a Star Trek panel so Sam is very protective of his laptop. Cas’ not liking Sam thing results in broken fingers, broken jaw, angel radio brain scramble, basically way worse things than little cute insults.

He also quickly gets addicted to trying all kinds of drugs, really likes taking pills because idk pillheads are the most annoying substance abusers so I think it would be funny. But whenever he feels like it he can just soberheal someone by touching them, so he’s going around spitefully sobering Dean up, who passes out and gets princess carried by Cas to get him a good night’s sleep.

Cas and Dean are obviously in love, perhaps this is clearly verbalized early on. But I don’t care if they ever fuck. But, if they do, it must definitely be an extra fucking weird experience where Dean literally? metaphorically? meets God. Like, if the freaky swirly scene in Altered States was blissful instead of terrifying, that would be fucking an angel probably.

Bobby is the same except sometimes he passes out drunk blasting Townes Van Zandt and the boys are like, “Jesus, this is depressing.” We can have a comedic scene of them walking in when he’s about to kill himself and then him refusing to admit that ever happened every time they try to bring it up. Bobby also openly talks trash about John Winchester day and night and curses like Al Swearengen.

I haven’t watched past like season 8 so I leave others to imagine the rest. However, based on gifsets I will say that Dean becoming more fatherly would be the top healing experience. He would definitely make sure his children know grabbing someone’s genitals is a big no, as was all of the other abuse that he suffered under the belief that it was normal. And he and Cas get married its so super god damn domestic it’ll make your teeth scream. Let Sam become a bartender or something. He can write novels inspired by his life on the side. I really don’t want to see him becoming an academic and remaining insufferable.