#the ending is very dookie and there’s a lot of run-ons but we move !!!

[hubookunaluwawa]

the horrifying realization that someone genuinely knows you

it wasn’t supposed to go this way. it was supposed to be easy. casual. fun. but now, you feel like puking. because the second those forbidden words left his lips while he was buried deep inside of you, after a night of the both of you pretending not to know how the other felt, all hell broke loose in your heart. you were able to keep your composure through the end, but once he cleaned you up and fell asleep, you quickly grabbed your stuff and got the hell out of dodge.

your throat tightens up, and your eyes start to sting as you head for the bus stop. one minute passes. then five, and then ten. and then, as if this night hadn’t been bad enough, droplets of rain began to drizzle from the sky. this bus couldn’t be coming any fucking slower, you think, and you nervously tap the side of your leg, hoping with all your might that he didn’t realize you left, because if he did–

“y/n?”

fuck.

“hey!” you feign innocence as you quickly glance at him, “what’re you doing up?”

“i could ask you the exact same thing,” he returns, his smile masking something foreign… something vulnerable.

“oh, well, yeah, i mean, i have an 8 am class, so i have to head back to my place.” you feel your easygoing facade beginning to crumble as you continue to stare straight ahead at the road. you felt gross, lying to someone you always felt so comfortable around. you just hope he doesn’t realize it before the bus gets here.

“really?”

“yep!”

“i mean, i thought you said you don’t like doing… this…” he motions between the two of you, “the morning before an early class. said it fucks up your internal clock and stuff,” he remarks in a tone that makes it crystal clear he’s not buying a word you say.

you turn to look at him once again, and he’s staring at you with a hooded unwavering gaze that you’d mistake for apathy if you didn’t know him any better. unfortunately, you do know him better: enough to notice that the unfamiliar look in his eyes is blatant fear, as if he thinks you could disappear at any moment. and then, how much he knows you hits you all at once, and you’re left a scared little kid with no idea what to do.

“yeah, i guess i just forgot.” you’d have to be in complete denial to think he couldn’t hear the distinct crack in your voice, fake smile be damned. the two of you stare at each other for what feels like hours until the tears threatening to spill from your eyes make you look away.

“y/n.” but his eyes are still on you.

“mhm?” don’t.

“y/n, please.” only on you.

i can’t.

“i need you to tell me if i just fucked everything up back there.” the desperation in his voice is unmistakable, making you catch your breath. your face falls, and your heart hurts more than you ever thought possible.

“why’d you say it,” you whisper, “why’d you have to go and say it?” and his heart shatters at the brokenness of your voice because it was him who did this shit to you.

“when we started this, we promised it wouldn’t turn into anything. and it was fine when it was just me feeling something, but it won’t work with the both of us–”

“why?” something’s changed. he’s angry. “why won’t it work? why can’t we let it work?”

“because shit like this never does!” you scream, and you can feel everything you’ve been bottling up inside for the past few months escaping your body in one go.

“it never does,” you say with a quiet laugh. “we’d get together, and then you’d get bored with me–”

“i could never get bored with you–”

“–or i’d get bored with you,” you continue while noticing the fleeting look of hurt in his eyes that’s quickly overshadowed by anger, “and then we’d only be with each other out of obligation. we’d be ruining a really good thing just for the chance of something different, so just forget it, because whatever… it is that you feel won’t last,” you say as if it’s the funniest thing in the world while gesturing towards him.

“oh, fuck you.” he laughs, tugging his hair in frustration.

“fuck you!” you retort, delirious from the fact that this conversation is even happening at all.

“no, fuck you for trying to tell me that what i feel isn’t real.”

“okay,” you scoff as you begin to walk away. you don’t know where you headed, but as long as he’s not there, you know it’s where you need to be.

“and fuck you for making me love you! in more ways than just one!”

you freeze for probably the 50th time tonight, and you finally look at him again to see the shine in his eyes as he speaks.

“please don’t disappear when i tell you this,” he practically whispers to you with a once-again fearful look.

and you don’t. you’ve heard your fair share of “i love yous” in your life, and they all meant the same, substanceless, conditional thing. and so, the more you heard it, the less you believed it. you’ve seen relationships–both yours and those of the people you care about–fall apart because people will romantically love those that they don’t even like platonically. so you believed, and continue to believe, that romantic love without a platonic basis is an incredibly common recipe for disaster. you know this, and yet, you don’t think you could run from him right now even if you tried.

“i’ve never felt what i’ve felt for you with anybody else. i think about you all the time. like, you’re the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing on my mind every night. and whenever i see you, it feels like what everybody talks about in the movies and the songs, and it’s like the heavens open up and everything makes sense and my world’s brighter because you’re in it. i’m completely and utterly head-over-heels in love with you.”

he just thinks he is, you try to remind yourself, but this shit isn’t real. it’s just infatuation, a burst of attraction, a trick of the mind. it’ll go away eventually–

“but it’s not just infatuation like you always say.” you mentally curse him for being able to read your mind and peel back your layers so easily, but he takes a step closer to you as he speaks.

“because you’re also the one person i feel most comfortable around. i could be having the worst day of my life and seeing you for a few minutes would make it the best, because everything about you makes me happy! everything! i mean your smile and your eyes and the way you giggle at the corniest jokes and the little crinkle you get on your forehead when i say something dumb and… how you make me feel safe enough to talk to you and know you won’t think i’m crazy, and how passionate you get about the things and people you care about: all of it has me completely obsessed with you, and all i know is that i wanna keep making you breakfast in the mornings and holding you close at night and going on late night drives with you and hearing you laugh because your laugh makes me feel like i’m dreaming whenever i hear it and i can’t help but laugh too because i just can’t believe that, out of everybody on this planet, you keep choosing to be here with me and i just… i love you, y/n. and even if this doesn’t last, i wanna be with you for as long as i’m able, because it doesn’t feel like my love for you is ever gonna go away.” 

and he breathes out the final declaration with a confidence that leaves you stunned because holy shit you’re actually starting to believe him. you can’t tell whether the wetness on your face is from the pouring rain or your own tears. maybe it’s both. but all you know is that, now, he’s holding your heart in his hands. and the scariest part is that he’s holding it with as much care as he’d treat his own heart. no, as much care as you want to treat his. and then, he starts to ramble, which you’re sure you’ve never seen him do (in fact, you’re pretty sure this is the most you’ve ever heard him speak).

you can’t stop yourself from looking at his lips, and the space between you grows smaller and smaller until it ceases to exist.

“i mean, it’s like you’re branded on my heart. you have this insane amount of control over me and i’m constantly wanting to be around you and hold you and make you happy because you feel like home to me but in the best way possible and i just want to be that for you too, and if you don’t feel the same way, that’s completely cool, and we could just forget this conversation ever happened, because you’re also my best friend and i don’t wanna lose you, and i–”

your lips taste sweet against his, and your hands cup his cheeks with a delicateness that makes him feel like crying, and he feels happier than he thinks he’s ever felt because he knows what this kiss means.

you take a moment to break apart, the tip of your nose brushing against his as he chases after your lips, and you desperately proclaim, “i’d never get bored of you either. i love you. i love you. you’re all i want.”

the bus you were waiting on passes you both by, and he meets your lips again, sighing into the kiss with relief. and you both make a silent promise, right then and there, to never let each other go again.

[gayenerd]

This is the interview with Adrienne that is teased in that Mankato punk blog I talked about awhile ago.

Green Day frontman's wife remembers Mankato

By Amanda Dyslin

The Free Press

July 01, 2009 04:38 pm

— Adrienne Nesser, living in Mankato in her early 20s, had a long-distance friendship and flirtation with a guy so interested in her, he and his band planned tours around Minnesota just so he could see her.

Green Day wasn’t famous at the time. In Adrienne’s own words, they were just another band she had seen a couple of times in the Cities.

They were both also seeing other people. But there was something pretty powerful that must have connected them over a distance of thousands of miles. There had to be. Otherwise, she never would have agreed to leave her home state of Minnesota to move to California to be with him.

Just weeks later, they were married July 2, 1994, Adrienne was pregnant with the couple’s first of two sons, and Green Day’s album “Dookie” became a household name. All of this seemed to happen over night.

Finding Adrienne and talking to her about all of this was a big part of our Campaign Green Day mission. (See accompanying story for background.) Today, we accomplish that goal as Adrienne talks to us about life in Mankato, including her favorite Pagliai’s pizza toppings, how quickly her life changed when she headed West, and also the big question we’ve been pursuing for weeks: Would Green Day ever come back to Mankato to play a show?

Free Press: Tell me a little bit about your college experience at Minnesota State University. Were you a studier? A partier? On the student senate?

Adrienne Armstrong: I was a transfer student to MSU. I was at the U of M for a few semesters, then Minneapolis Community College. I was dating my then boyfriend who lived in Mankato, so it seemed a good place to go to finish my degree.

I loved school, especially when I was in the more focused classes of my degree. And I was definitely a partier. I found it easy to balance both. I loved the What’s Up, and for the life of me can’t remember the name of the bar across from Pagliai’s that I absolutely loved. (Square Deal?)

I graduated in 1993, but I had turned in a paper after one of my classes ended, and the professor never posted the grade. I had to call the school to argue the fact. They finally sent my degree in 1996.

FP: Why sociology? What interested you about the subject and what career did you have in mind?

AA: I have always loved the dynamics of social groups, clicks and society classes. It’s what triggered my interest in social justice and being an activist. I really didn’t have any career in mind while going through college. Occasionally, I would think of getting a credential to teach, but it was always a fleeting idea.

FP: You seemed to have a ton of jobs while you were here. Your Mankato friends have listed Pier 1 Imports, the Piercing Pagonda, Pagliai’s and The Jungle among them. Am I missing any? Any favorites?

AA: I really only had a few jobs in Mankato. It was hard for me to find a job because I had dreadlocks and dressed kinda funky. So the first place that took a chance on me was The Jungle and the bowling alley. It was a trip. I really liked working there, and the bowlers warmed up to me.

I worked at Pagliai’s all through college, and that was super fun. I worked with lots of my friends and the pizza was awesome. I worked at Pier 1 after I graduated. I was a manager there. I loved that job. I was hired at the very beginning; we put the store together from the ground up. The people I worked with were fun, and I loved running the store. I remember unloading a truck full of merchandise with 70 below windchills. The whole town was shut down. Good times!

FP: Do you have any favorite moments in Mankato? Any night or event or time that really stands out for you when you think about your college years?

AA: My entire experience of living in Mankato was fantastic. I loved living there. It was a small town with such a heart. Camping in our friends T-PEE, the festivals in Sibley Park, tubing in the storm drains, biking, which seemed, at the time, the biggest hill to campus, and the really cool friends/people I hung out with.

FP: I read you met Billie Joe in 1990 at a show in Minneapolis. Had you heard his music before that show? How famous would you say Green Day was at the time?

AA: I met Green Day for the first time at a house party in Dinkytown. A friend of mine invited me to a party on the Fourth of July. So I went with my boyfriend at the time to check out the bands.

I saw a couple songs, then we left to watch fireworks. The next day they played The Varsity. I ended up going to that show, too. My friend, Erica, introduced me to the guys that day. I wouldn’t say they were famous.

I mean, I went to a lot of shows ... saw a lot of bands. They were just another band. This was the first time they played Minnesota.

FP: Was it difficult having a relationship long-distance when Billie Joe was on tour after you’d first met?

AA: Billie Joe and I were friends first. And never tried to be exclusive. I was in a dwindling relationship that was off and on. And I know he dated many other girls. We grew over time. After I graduated from college, I finalized the break-up with my longtime boyfriend and was single for almost a year. During that time, I saw Billie Joe a few times, but it wasn’t until I moved out to California that things solidified pretty quickly.

FP: I couldn’t get anyone to clear this up for me: Was it because of you that Green Day started coming to Mankato and playing shows? Or was Mankato a part of their early touring locations?

AA: Umm ... probably. : )

He booked a mini tour that started in Sioux Falls, S.D., and then came through Mankato, Minneapolis, to Beloit, Wis. So yes, to see me. Very Romantic ... .

FP: Talking to people around here now, it seems like the band was playing shows everywhere here in town: garages, basements and that show on a farm near St. Peter. Was it really like that? Or was it just a few shows that just sort of popped up when they happened to be here?

AA: Green Day always played anywhere, any time. So when they were in town as a band they would play garages, basements, street corners and even that farm on top of spools. Billie Joe came to Mankato a few times on his own for visits as well.

FP: Did you have any idea in the early days of your relationship that Green Day was going to hit the big time?

AA: I really didn’t think of it. I just knew that I loved the band and their music. They were so fun to watch live. ... But it wasn’t in my thoughts at all what their future held. I remember being with a friend in Minneapolis, and we were watching MTV, and their “Basket Case” video came on. It freaked us out. We were like “Oh My God, how crazy!! They are on TV!”

FP: A few people who knew you said your decision to move out West to marry Billie Joe happened quickly. It was like one minute you were here and then you were gone. Was that how you remember it, too? Were you scared?

AA: Billie Joe had asked me to move out to California and give us a try. I was Totally scared. But super excited. It was a new adventure, and I was ready. I had a big garage sale — sold as much as I could, including my favorite blue creepers, packed a mini U-Haul and drove out with my 15-year-old brother and my friend, Holly, who was already making the trip. I figured I’d give it the summer and see what happened.

FP: It seems as if shortly after you were married “Green Day” and “Dookie” became household names. What was that time like for you? Was it strange to suddenly be living the life of a celebrity? Is it still strange?

AA: I was out two weeks and Billie Joe asked me to marry him. It was crazy. But it was a crazy time for us — and I said yes. It was a whirlwind. I was pregnant, and his band was everywhere. It was completely overwhelming. We were just trying to navigate it all — it was a bumpy ride for sure. It took years for us to find our footing. ... But sometimes I think it was all those trials that made us stronger and brought us to where we are today.

FP: What’s your life like now?

AA: It feels pretty normal for me now. I am a mother of two amazing kids. So I am busy with school, sports and all their activities. And Billie Joe’s life keeps us busy. It’s never boring ... that’s for sure.

FP: What are your roles at Atomic Garden and Adeline Records? Does that keep you pretty busy?

AA: My friend and I are partners in Atomic Garden. She’s a very good friend who is amazing and patient. I work as much as I can when I am in town, and we do all the buying together. We have an incredible manager who does most of the day-to-day stuff. She allows us to live our lives and still have such a beautiful store. I don’t do anything with Adeline Records anymore. I worked the label for years when it first started. But I have moved on. : )

FP: Do you still keep in contact with anyone from the Mankato area?

AA: I keep in touch with a few people. But sadly lost touch with a lot of them.

FP: And now for the $65,000 question. What do you think our chances are of getting Green Day to come back to Mankato to play a show some time? Are small markets like ours pretty much out of the question at this point?

AA: I would love to imagine Green Day playing Mankato again. I don’t think it’s out of the question. They still play small clubs and stuff. They are still the same in that way — they will play anywhere. It’s more just the logistics of it all.

FP: How about you? Could we get you to come back some time? How about a big party catered by Pagliai’s?

AA: I would LOVE to get back to Mankato for a visit. So let’s keep in touch and make this happen! It’s been too long since I had a Pagliai’s pizza with onion, green olive and extra sauce. Cheryl Rueda made me the BEST pizzas!!!!!

Copyright � 1999-2008 cnhi, inc.

Photos

Adrienne Armstrong lives in California and co-owns Atomic Garden, an eco-friendly clothing store, with a friend.