#the duality of not man…nor woman but millennial

[gilf-armand]

[gloieee]

Times Flies ?

Time is flying by so fast. Things feel like an eternity ago, yet at the same time, I can’t believe it’s the end of November, that it’s been 4 months since med school started, that it’s been [X weeks/ months] since some other big event in my life (which 2019 has been FILLED with). It seems time is going by faster than ever. I wonder if I’ve written about this before. Since 2018, life has just zipped by.

Belated interjection from 11/29, *To a certain degree I feel as though 2019 has been the most dynamic year for me, yet also one with the most internal changes. At least, the internal changes don’t necessarily line up with the external changes that have happened. They’ve been ironically out of sync—mundane, farcical events have led to large scale, disproportionately catastrophic changes in my values and life decisions. With all the emotions I’ve been feeling, I’ll likely write more on how I feel about 2019 later (once I (hopefully) pass my block and head back home for 2 weeks), but I will say, contrary to how I’ve felt at certain points, it’s been a great year. It’s funny to say it, because I do think I feel this way because my years prior sucked so much—thinking back to the years (literally) of one medical crises after another, romantic tragedies and toxicities, extreme uncertainty, horrible living situations and insane schedules, and emotional losses, I do think my Korean “3 years of Catastrophe” (although it felt like slightly more) has truly passed. And it feels damn fucking good. What happened this year seems more-or-less natural, normal tribulations of a mid-twenty something-year-old grad/med student with a lot of feelings, and I am so very grateful for that. (If I pass this final, which I’m genuinely afraid for for the first time in my life), I really do think everything will be fine.

In theme with the rush of time, the songs I’ve been listening to lately have been more about the vibe than the lyrics; more of an intense, fleeting sentiment rather than a deep, heavy rumination of the lyrics.  It’s been the kind of songs that zip by as you just bop your head running errands (or more rarely, study) or do some silly squiggly dances to as you rush to a social gathering/ meeting that will inevitably wreck you. Which is in a bit of a contrast to my previous posts. I think it makes a lot of sense given my state of mind. This is really the way I prefer myself to be—although, it’s hard for me to maintain long-term. Unfortunately, I’m often in this state only when I’m not dealing with real things, or issues of consequence in my life. But maybe one day, I’ll feel light and superficial even as real shit occurs. Not sure whether I want that, but just saying, maybe.

I was exalted when I discovered myself singing These Days by Mike Stud in my head, cause my very rare (if I do say so myself), horrible taste in a random ass song hits again. It brings me such giddiness. It’s Girls Love Beyonce and Drake 2.0. I don’t know if “Stud” is his real last name, but the brute tackiness and appropriateness of the name makes me snort. This song, which strikes me as having very low production value, maybe unironically, sums up “these days” for me very well. I love how non-committal he is, how he contradicts himself constantly, how he sounds like he’s just singing from a makeshift home studio in a garage that doubles as a bedroom cause it has a mattress on the floor, but is still so confident with it.

These Days- Mike Stud

Hell nah I ain't sleep today but I'mma be okay Miss my family on the east, but fuck it I can't leave L.A (It’s funny how I also miss my family on the east, just so much further)

Like, what's next, what's that, what's up I just wanna chill, drink, smoke, fuck Somehow you hot as hell but still cold as fuck

Bad bitch my only type, independent too, get it boo Just promise me you won't let all the bullshit they say get to you

I've been doing great I guess I can't complain I don't think about yesterday Every move is calculated, this shit ain't no guessing game

How many come ups until it's destiny How many come ups until it's meant to be I hear them talking, that don't get to me That ain't shit to me, same dude, different dream This is me

If you really wanna know, these women, man they come and go Cause one minute she's the one, the next you really never know

With so many things, I feel like they come and go. Time has been crazy, and it’s really beginning to feel like I’ll just really never know what’s in store. Not in any dramatic or negative way. I think before, when life was throwing shit curveballs, I (may have) thought once that stopped happening, I might be in a “stable place.” At least, I yearned to have some certainty in life. I’m realizing that my life is pretty stable for the first time ever, but that there still isn’t too much certainty. At least, I’ve been strongly yearning for certainty yet again these past few weeks and months (albeit in a different way than before). I’ve been thinking so much about my future, my career, my relationships for a while, and it struck me how little I know about what I want. Or how often what I want changes, but also doesn’t. It’s the most bizarre thing. I guess that’s the definition of “one minute [he/she/it] is the one, the next you really never know.” BUT, I think I’m becoming okay with that.

Another theme that has been recurrent is, I want to be bad lately (I suppose), as Mike and Still both elude to. But not actually bad—I think healthier in some regards, but bad from certain perspectives. It’s an arbitrary definition of “bad” though. I’ve always embraced being “bad” to a certain degree. As Mac says in Dunno: “She do whatever she like, and that just don’t seem right. Make people so mad, they want it so bad.” Now that I think of it, bad is such an interesting word to me. I feel like I’ve had a lot of thoughts about this before, that I can’t quite retrieve. I feel so much more emotionally stable inside though. Maybe that’s the definition of being bad to the core though, doing better when you’re doing objectively “worse” things. I’ve been feeling a bit like I have to let myself be bad to be good in certain regards—get shit done even if I don’t truly want to, try to explore these careers in a practical way, find an appropriate in. Be selfish about my time, let myself compartmentalize my indulgences to concentrated more intense, non-committal, millennial highs. There’s a certain duality to my days lately.

(But as an aside, I do think that when I’m single I’m less “wholesome.” It’s a bit of a disturbing thought, but I am less disciplined for the right reasons, less earnest for the right reasons. I always have more cravings for vices. It’s very odd because, it’s not at all like the people I’m with have less vices and prevent me from doing things, nor is it that they have SO many that I feel the need to be their savior. I just genuinely don’t think of it as much. I don’t think I’m less happy when I’m not in a relationship, since being in a relationship has often brought with it such heavy, distressing concerns, but I seem to indulge in things that I def don’t feel like I need when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like the connotations of this, but I’m noticing it so much that I’m single and also living alone again. Maybe it’s not just romantic relationships but the idea of a deep, somewhat binding relationship—since I didn’t feel this when I was in Korea. But then again, the options to indulge were much less in Korea. Honestly, I’m probably fine, I just overthink my “vices,” when they are entirely at a manageable level—but who am I kidding, I overthink always.)

A lot of the songs I’ve been listening to are disjointed, slight stream of consciousness, with a funky, breezy melody. Prime example Habit- Still Woozy:

I could let you have it You could be my habit You could be my woman, right I don't want you havin' My little one She is so bad Bad as the sun Well she break me then I fall I don't know the half of it anymore Yeah well, I could give a fuck about you She can get whatever she need Every time that she looked at me You know I felt weak in my knees

Funny how “still woozy” has been my dual state alongside (recently) extremely focused these past few weeks. I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but I vaguely vibe with it. Habits, I’ve been thinking about them a bit again. Some habits I want to break, some I’m starting up again. Sometimes I feel like I just replace one habit for another—and despite the textbooks, I think it’s very effective for me. Don’t we all need a habit? (throwback to Andre and his “habit to call”) But maybe I just don’t know the half of it anymore, and I’m saying nonsense. Despite my conclusion-less thoughts, I also could hardly give a fuck; they could really get whatever they need, it wouldn’t bother me. Finally is a strong word, but for lack of a better word I feel like finally, I’m in a good state of not caring too much; I’m just vibing and enjoying and appreciating some things in a measured way.

Too High (feat. Jesse)- Goody Grace

I love ridin' through the city with you Hear you talk about your silly issues, oh You drive me wild, oh—oh And babe, I wanna smoke and Fall asleep on your floor Tell me if you're alright Did I get ya too high? Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe And if he finds us, I swear I won't have a clue what to say

I don’t really resonate with any of the lyrics in this song (well not any—I guess I don’t resonate with the sentiments of the song) but for some reason was listening it to it on repeat. I love the slow, distinct strums of the intro, it just hits a chord with me. I love their voices, especially when they sing “Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe”. This line always makes me chuckle, cause I think of my own father, and totally do agree that that’s how he would feel about a lot of things in my life (he’s such a wonderful, kind man though, bless his heart—who I’m beginning to appreciate so much more as I grow older). They sound just so genuinely sweet and earnest as they talk about wanting to smoke with this girl they really like, which I think is such an endearingly gen Z combination. I can really tell how much he wants to smoke (with this girl) through his soulful falsetto and there’s something so comforting about a vice being so casual and sweet. Something so incredibly light about it. So little consequences. So not serious, such fleeting genuineness, and I really appreciate that right now.

Switching it up to something a bit more serious and moody, Girls in the Suburbs Singing Smith Songs (feat. G Eazy) by Goody Grace. (Lol at G-Eazy, I do like his songs but I just can’t ever take him seriously. His lyrics are just so corny a lot of the time, like middle school standard of cool). I’m quintessentially and literally a girl in the suburbs singing Smith songs on the regular, so I do feel a little targeted.

She don't hit me up anymore, no Things that were fun just ain't fun anymore, no Six in the morning I know I should go home But I'm High as fuck and the clock's screaming tick-tock Girls in the suburbs singing Smiths songs I know that it's wrong I don't know what I'm doin, but

I love how he admits that he knows singing Smith songs in the suburbs is wrong, haha. Indeed, it’s one of those activities that seem innocuous but are totally not. It’s never good if you’re belting to the Smiths as they sing Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now. And the Pixies (drunk off whiskey). I do it all the time of course. I love how new-age/throwback emo this song is.

Maybe one day it'll all make sense But I just don't know when And it feels like the end And all of my friends Said That I should get my mind off of the wrong things (I should probably tear off all my heartstrings You can’t pull them no more) Maybe one day it’ll all make sense

This is also such a real, emo sentiment that I’ve felt and feel so often. All of my friends. Too many of my friends. I do love how there’s really no conclusion to what he’ll actually do. All conjecture, because that’s really how it be most of the time. Maybe, maybe one day it’ll all make sense.

While we’re on this path of somewhat heavy inquiries, this song was my one and only for a while a few weeks back, again without any clear reason. Again, listening to the vibe of a song without really caring about the lyrics, except with the opposite emotional valence from the other songs on this playlist

Skydive II (feat. 6lack)- Boogie

You pull up with no warning, uh This the season for us growing Let's go deep in the unknown then, uh But by evening we'll be mourning You leave me with no warning, uh Look at you lettin' the cold in No, I ain't movin', I'm frozen, No, I ain't bitter, I'm broken, At least you could give me a warning

Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene? Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me? Anything, anything

You clouded my judgment, uh Talkin' bout stayin' in I blame you for being petty and Tellin' me pull up when you ain't ready and All the dates that you didn't bed me But we don't go 'cause The going out get weird and Come to the understanding We can't overcome them fears, with Without them to start clear (Haha)

But how will I know if I fell in love? You're making it cold Could've sent me a text alert Could've lit off one of them little red flares, smoke in the air Somebody somewhere noticed the color Heart starts to stutter, flutter Mother, sky, I'm listening to Young Gunna

Ugh 6lack strikes again. His lines don’t even make sense most of the time, but I feel like I get it exactly, like he gets it exactly. “Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene?/ Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me?” This reminds me of Biking by Frank Ocean. Bargaining with God or some larger being, except less intensely so. Just a little exasperation—along the lines of saying “could’ve sent me a text alert,” “tellin me pull up when you ain’t ready.” It’s the more casual, less serious version of Biking, and that’s exactly how I feel (embodied by that laughter after stating something serious). I feel like this song has been a lot of this year for me—constantly conflicting sentiments and progression of events (you pull up with no warning, we say it’s time for some growing and so we go deep in the unknown, but then you leave with no warning). But I ain’t bitter; tis still the season for us growing. I love how there’s again no real conclusion—the song literally ends abruptly, calling upon those higher beings and telling them they’re just listening to Young Gunna. I guess that’s literally me—all these thoughts and fleeting realizations, but at the end of the day I’m just listening to some tunes.

All I really got is Georgia on my mind, not really anything else. Georgia by Kevin Abstract is a little more similar to Still Woozy. A little stream of consciousness, fast pace, disjointed tidbits.

I got Georgia on my mind, ain't nobody left behind It's just me, my team, my weed, my baby's Audi parked outside Call my mom and let her know that everything is alright

Smoke and fuck, we high as hell We gon' love each other, we let the night derail Only time will tell, I'm under your spell I lay on your chest, you wonder what's next I love when you breathe, it make me reflect

I'd get my ass whipped, I learned my lesson

Smoke and fuck, I do let the nights derail a lot, I reflect. Not exactly as Abstract says, but I guess some similarities. I do call my mom and let her know that everything is alright. And I do really think it is. I definitely got my ass whipped, for sure. Hopefully I’ve also learnt my lesson too.

I finally found peace, I suck when I get it I see worth in myself, I won't run away again I'm prayin' for my friends, they prayin' this won't end But I know it does, just like all things In the end, it's just me and my mood swings

The conclusion is hilarious and amazingly apt. I do suck when I find peace sometimes. Good things and bad things all end, just like all things. In the end, it’s just me and mood swings!!! Has anything summed me up more?

Netflix and Dusse- Smino

I got a pizza on the way, bae, bae I'm tryna lay, lay Lil' lady, ayy, I brought a bouquet of the treefer And I'm feelin' like we should d-d-duck away Netflix and Dusse And if I do say so myself, that ass a creature

She make me-e-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-----

Shawty text that, "Come swoop Better yet come soon

Yah-ga-da-be-da-mm-dye (dye, dye-dye)

Last but not least (or actually yes), an honest funky bop of how I feel. He’s basically just making funny noises and that’s me all the time. I’m so so into Smino again. He’s so smoke and chill and be funky and silly that I’m getting the wrong rep from some people, but I can’t help but be into his perfect mix of moody vs. chill vs. vibey. This absolutely inconsequential fun dissipates the confusion & seriousness & (sorta) peace of the previous tracks. It’s a tongue-in-cheek palate cleanser, and it’s exactly how I’m living my actual days.

11.26.2019/ 11.29.2019

[paranoidsbible]

Weaponized Empathy

Let’s go through a few quick scenarios on how easily it is to scam people on the internet, however we’ll be focusing only on Tumblr since it’s quite popular with millennials and the overly empathetic. Before we begin, these are simple scenarios and not related to any ongoing drama nor did we receive a zip archive with a series of screen caps, .txt files loaded with information on individuals and a large dose of literal receipts on transactions from so called donations. Nope! Didn’t get any of the previously mentioned, just a series of scenarios meant to help people think twice before giving out their hard earned shekels. Tumblr is not only overly accepting and empathetic (when it suits them), but also quite quick to take up the cause of helping someone they perceive as being either a part of a minority group or a supposed oppressed group simply based upon self-created descriptions or a series of images that exist nowhere else on the internet but a specific blog or two. While this isn’t such a bad thing to many, it’s quite hazardous to one’s own health (and actual minority groups), safety and privacy simply due to the fact that giving out so-called donations or charity through the use of Paypal, moneygrams/orders or checks can lead to information gathered from the initial set of data given, thus possibly leading to potential dox attempts for whatever insidious reason or simply because a person can if they want to do it or not. So where does this place the average, overly concerned and noisy internet user? On the bottom of the totem pole, of course! See, one scenario is called The Oppressed for the simple fact that we’ve all seen the posts. Someone proclaims with much gusto how they’re being forced out of their current dwelling because of who or what they are or what they identify as, which provokes a series of “Signal boost!” replies and concerned “Oh, baby!!! What do you need? :*(“ asks. This generates a feeding frenzy of moral or virtue signaling and people sending a few bucks or a hefty amount in the form of donations. This individual either takes a break or simply leaves because of all the so-called mean people that are harassing them or threaten to dox them. Then the blog sits inactive or gets deleted and a few murmurs appear here and there… and everyone promptly forgets it till the person comes back again asking for more money. While the oppressed scam isn’t that hard to pull off, the bigger issue is how people will go onto another country’s social networking sites in order to find images and information to use. The reason they do this is because most of the reverse images searches that we know of are quite Euro or Americentric and focus on mostly English speaking sites. So while everyone’s focused on a poor Latina being chased out of her apartment by a mean old white man, a literal mean old white man could be behind the account and raking in a year’s worth of money that equals that of working at some Chief Chili Fry joint for minimum wage. This scam is often repeated till someone questions it and a series of dox attempts or call-out posts happens to those who dare question the non-majority individual until it simply vanishes or they “totally can’t deal with this” and start to purge traces of their scam, thus leaving people a few bucks short and a handful of people attacked. The oppressed scam is just one of many scams on Tumblr, some others can be recycled into it actually. So, without going into a series of long explanations let’s discuss how similar scams happen and operate before we list how you can prevent yourself from falling for it and losing your laundry money that grandma sent you this month. Anything related to LGBT+, especially Trans/gender dysphoria. A lot of people have actually taken to calling it trans-for-money. The entire point is for someone to claim to be the opposite of their birth gender/sex while posting semi-censored pics of their supposed hormones or other assorted medication. They then follow it with a plea for donations to get the needed supplies or they’ll “just die” and blame it on either living on the streets or some sort of debt or choice between food and/or rent. While a handful are legit, many more are easy to work scams from people collecting images off of LGBT+ support forums and/or chats in order to have an entire library of post fodder to sell their act. The Scared Woman scam relies heavily on fleecing male feminists or feminists in general. It’s usually a blogger that rose to e-fame quite quickly before falling from graces in someone’s eyes and having to flee because of their life. This is usually done by a woman, but some people have identified as MtF when pulling this scam. It often a series of one-hit-wonder posts and a series of selfies in feminist-wear or slogans printed on said selfies. From there, they post a plea of how they had to leave with only the clothes on their back or the bare essentials and how they need money pronto or face the cruel world and reality of things. The Battered Communist scam relies heavily on pulling the “How do you do fellow communists” act while trying to blend in before fascists, neo-nazis or the alt-right suddenly shows up and beats the ever loving tar out of the blogger. They will then post some cuts, bruises or a black eye and ask for some donations from the comrades in order to get out of the area or gain medical attention. The person is question actually is quick to disappear and claim it’s because they need to find safety before simply not being heard from again. Battered Liberal in an Unsafe, Conservative Household scam relies heavily on the Us VS Them duality that a lot of the internet pushes when it comes to politics. The scam is newer and crops up every so often whenever a political year begins. The person proclaims their parents or siblings or significant other beats them, harasses them or even rapes (among other forms of abuses) because of political opinions. They’ll ask for a few bucks to leave and simply go on the lam before the mean conservatives find them and continue the cycle of abuse. While just a handful of the active scams on Tumblr, and the web in general, we wish to remind people that for every few scams there’ll be one or two people who’re actually facing these situations and do need help. Sadly, because of the wanton scamming on the internet, those who do need help are drowned out in the noise of people demanding others give them things or be labeled as a bigot, racist or sexist because they didn’t shovel out 250 dollars for a custom stylus for some supposed artist’s tablet. So, to ensure that you’re actually helping a fellow comrade or sister in the fight against the patriarchy, remember to do your research:

Check their images against Tineye and other reverse image services

Do a simple search on their username and name

Browse their blog and see if a similar situation has arisen before

Don’t be afraid to ask for proof/evidence in private

Ask if a pre-paid card or gift card is alright instead

Ask for a Patreon or GoFundMe page instead of paypal

Your main goal is to prove this person’s plea is legitimate and not scam. Everyone has issues nowadays and needs help, however this doesn’t mean you need to short change yourself and/or your family and friends.  This is why you need to do your own research and not rely on the individual’s own claims. Once you’ve ensured they’re legitimate, then yes, help them however don’t offer them your own pad to crash at due to the simple fact you don’t know another person’s background and/or mental state at the current point in time. Go the extra mile and checkout the resources in your area to help people. There are hundreds of charities, groups and shelters out there, find the ones that can help a person in a specific situation and keep that information on hand. So, if a person needs more than just some extra cash you can direct them to those resources too and prevent any potential issues or accusations against you. The last thing anyone wants is their kindness being used against them and either being blackmailed for money or forced to do something they don’t want to do. Your health and wellbeing is more important than some stranger on the internet. It is way too easy to form persona around another person’s information and pump the unaware netizens for some greens to waste on Bad Dragon dildos or diamond studded custom figurines. Remember: Don’t forget to lessen your own digital footprint to prevent potential blowback for your charity. Visit our library page @ https://paranoidsbible.tumblr.com/library and look over our guides. Prevent dox, pollute your own information…etc