#the dream of building a life with someone has passed its expiration date and that's okay

[swankpalanquin]

sometimes i wish i didn't have a job i can leave at work cos it just gives me too much time on the weekends to contemplate life and feel like shit basically every sunday

[pontevoix]

the name reiss does not mean family. the name reiss is the succession of a legend. a whisper of someone else’s dream, the skepticism that the dream really must fall so flat & sour, & then the consumption of familial ties. legend is not outstretched in palms or shared in blood. legend is something with teeth, with diamonds with eyes, something that bites down & kills the prospect of life before it ever lives.

uri remembers teeth breaking his skin, tearing, muscle, & always the smell of underground churches. he remembers resignation. mostly he remembers resignation. still he remembers resignation.

humanity fracting through, splintering into moments when he is useless. lapses of self, wasting away opportunities or distributing orders as though still has the power or the right to give them.

when uri remembered, he threw books at the walls. printed pages of a manuscript he had been attempting went shredded. he kicked furniture & fisted his hands so tight that his nails drew blood. this is resignation all over again.

resignation is his indulgence. it steals his life, & it lets life slip through his fingers — sometimes uri thinks that it’s an indulgence that cements a kind of terrified loss against the pit of kenny’s stomach, like an ulcer. sometimes uri thinks that kenny wouldn’t know how to look at him if he hadn’t been self-damned to resignation.

the name reiss does not mean family. they are meant as replacements to one another & they call it sacrifice. it had been an irrelevant betrayal when rod had passed the inheritance to frieda rather than ascending himself, but it had come as a relief.

the name reiss does not mean family. even now, it is not family. it is alienation, & it is power for the sake of power — cloaked in murmurs of doing good, cloaked in incidental distance, cloaked in work that uri does tangentially but never seems to remember.

but those who wear the name reiss tend to look at each other with dead eyes that mean too much compassion — they tend to look at each other with gentle touches & distance & it makes it difficult . . . for a reiss to know what loss looks like, what regret looks like, what could have been should have looked like.

they know loss as destined expiration dates & resignation. things are inevitable to a reason. things are as they always will be.

levi is full of should have beens. he is more like kenny than he ever presumed, & worse than that — he echoes the things that kenny never was. both levi & kenny have shifted into form by growing into spaces with sun, growing into spaces where there is space for air, space for expanding.

they grow into what they are allowed to become.

that there had been a time kenny’s truck busted down on the middle of an rusted old bridge — uri meandered a little listlessly by the bridge, trailing his fingers over its rungs & collecting dust against his skin. he doesn’t know anything about cars. he doesn’t pretend to know, either.

i hate that sound, kenny had interrupted. uri hadn’t realized that he was making sound. but interrupting like this was kenny, asking uri to still without forming a question or a command. kenny grew so restless that picked up a scrap of metal littering the side of the road. uri watched him throw it over the side of the bridge.

for kenny, growing into available space means that he builds an intolerance for immobility — for stuck situations, for negotiating whether he should walk alone to the nearest phone or whether uri would accompany him.

they later spend an evening, trading a cigarette on a balcony. kenny rambles as he sometimes does & tells stories without telling them. he talks about the way he always can hear metal. he can always smell metal. the sound of things like radiators banging or the sight of fingers making percussion on bridge railings . . . metal feels like empty spaces & things that never were & it makes him feel like there’s metal in his veins.

hell. maybe there is metal in me, kenny says. kenny the ripper, shit, he says. uri drums his fingers against his bicep & touches skin against skin instead.

for kenny, growing into available space means that he came first. that he had seen primal war & prosecution & reason for blood debts before armies solidified themselves into monsters that were no longer puppets. that he had seen enough of things that uri had allowed to be. kenny came first & that was reason enough for why he had made the decisions he did, for why he had been so wanting for religion in the way that uri had described it.

in the way that uri described religion in himself as something broken & all encompassing & trying for paradise.

there was a reason that kenny had sought to inherit uri’s titan. there was a reason too that kenny had not known enough of the logistics to know that uri’s visions are bound to the royal name of reiss. the name reiss does not mean family

it is difficult for a reiss to know what loss looks like, what regret looks like. it is difficult to recognize could have been should have been. there is too much resignation to know it in the same way an ackerman does, grown into their allotted space.

but uri knows that he had given kenny a reason for loss. & he worries that he will give kenny a reason for loss again. this is the cruelty that comes with resignation.

levi has come second. he grows into space that has changed since kenny first started seeing war, & he grows into a space that has demanded legend after legend after legend. it has given him just enough softness to make loss bruise rather than cut, ache rather than rage.

uri is patient in the way that he also is with kenny  ––  he gives levi the floor, lets him think through his words, his jumbled thoughts, the tears that stain his cheeks &  that have since dried. the name reiss does not mean family

but this is not the family reiss. this is levi at the end of youth & preserving the ways that he has grown in this life. this is levi, grieving something more than uri had grieved when he sank into resignation.

uri rubs at his knees with his palms again. his lips purse into what might be a smile or a grimace. ‘ kenny & i were bonded, ‘ he concedes. though it isn’t as simple as that. in the first life, kenny & he had never spoken of the bond as anything that had been theirs. they only spoke of it as a legend.

uri spoke of it as a legend. kenny had just liked to listen to him speak.

when they’ve spoken of it now, it’s been in passing arguments & abuses of power. when they’ve spoken of it now, the bond is not always a boon.

‘ the bond was kenny’s choosing to watch me die for a decade, ‘ uri muses — & it’s a gentle correction that having the bond is not so clean, that it is possible that the bonds were never anything with a fair resolution. ‘ the bond was kenny’s wanting to know why i was dying if i had the type of power that could terrify him. the bond was that i leaned on him anyway. ‘

the bond is created for two. however, uri is uncertain that the bond was ever something that was meant to be deciphered - even between those who held it.

uri tilts his head back. tries to remember. tries not to remember too much.

‘ i know what the common story about the bonds. that the bond was about protection & servitude. but the people who told those stories were reiss. they were tied to the founder & tied to paradis. we wanted to think of a bloodline like an asset. it was better to name the bond as a way to subjugate the threat of ackerman. i don’t think that’s what the bond was. do you ? ‘

for a second, he imagines that his eyes turn into diamonds. so he closes his eyes & exhales a laugh.

‘ i never thought for a second that i was in need of bodily protection from kenny. nor did i ever think that i experienced what he did of the bond. but i think the bond was an agreement between us. ‘

he doesn’t think it’s possible that the bond could be a dead end road. but that doesn’t mean the bond is enough.

it doesn’t mean any of it was enough. or that any of it was justified.

so now an old king counts tears, & levi counts his losses.

that prick abandoned me. i should have stabbed him when i had the chance, levi says. uri is fair, & so he makes another concession.

‘ he did abandon you. i am sorry . . . for the ways that he has left you. more than once. ‘

it’s not his apology to make. still, uri claims it. because it’s an argument he has made, & because spreading hurt is something kenny thinks is predestined. because kenny came first. because he has grown this way.

still, uri still chooses him. because kenny chooses uri too.

‘ i think he would have liked to have made better decisions. & i know he didn’t want you to suffer. ‘

but suffering was something kenny also thought to be inevitable.

it doesn’t mean any of it was enough. or that any of it was justified.

the name reiss does not mean family. ackerman is family — but they grow themselves twisted.

there is every inch of him that hears that he is more like kenny than he has ever presumed, that he talks in the same circles  &  twists himself until he believes his own words. he thinks that part is wrong  ––  he talks himself into a spiral  &  feels the ache of it in his bones until it's an anxiety attack that's waiting to happen, pushing up against his chest  &  stealing his breath. it's a horrible habit to have; he's had it since he was a toddler on the playground, frowning at those who chose to pick fights  &  trying to convince himself that kuchel wouldn't be mad this time. it's a horrible habit that he hasn't been able to break  ––  &  now that he's sat there with only his thoughts, he wonders if he was like this before.

he thinks he wasn't when farlan was alive. it had taken his death to solidify something in him, someone that was afraid to love  &  lose. someone who played in the necessary roles of brute  &  monster because it was expected of him, because there was something that had been horribly needed of him. there had been a protective nature to it, both in himself  &  the way that he had stepped into this role for erwin. erwin had asked it of him without much preamble  &  he had gone because something in him had told him to.

the bond.

it makes him swallow hard, his eyes already aching from the tears  &  his head pounding its own drumbeat out. the bond had been there from the start, but he hadn't known what to call it then. it hadn't been until after kenny's death that he had learned what the ackerman bond was  ––  &  the way that he was meant to serve a king. yet erwin had never been a king  &  his bond had solidified, chosen him of all people to be attached to. to curl that red thread of fate around them, twist it around their wrists  &  necks,  &  told them to do what they will with it. 

he thinks of uri  &  kenny now, thinks of the way that kenny had been so damn consumed with the thought of becoming a titan until he had learned that he couldn't.  how even in his last moments up against that tree he had thought of uri. he had thought of him so damn clearly. it had never been about being a servant to the first king or what vices people had  ––  kenny had been talking about uri  &  what they had had.

the bond.

kenny had had it with uri  ––  had looked at the king as an ackerman  &  chose to serve him. the bond had snapped into place when they had met. kenny had watched him die, had stayed in the capital,  &  had lived with that same ache in his chest that levi had without erwin. there was some sort of cruel irony in the fact that him  &  kenny have found more solid ground to stand on. he can't decide if he likes the knowledge or not.

a careful breath  &  he almost, almost lets out a manic laugh. for the first time, he wishes kenny were here. he wishes someone who understood the pain, the bond, the self loathing that came with it, the doubts, were here. uri sees it through the eyes that erwin had, someone on the other end of the bond. he doesn't understand the true ramifications of it, how you realize that your feelings might not be your own. how it curls around your neck  &  chokes  &  you go down to your knees  &  almost beg for it. but he remembers the way that erwin had held himself at a distance, too. he remembers the way that he hadn't believed that the bond was a tangible thing. he remembers that apprehension on the blonde's face  ––  like maybe levi was going off of something that wasn't his own.

tongue presses up against the roof of his mouth as he lets out another shaky breath. his head is a jumbled mess of feelings  &  moments that both feel familiar  &  like they're through a dream in the same breath. there's an ache in his heart  &  he doesn't know what to do, where to start; there's so many conflictions that make his stomach roil. 

so he starts where he can. he puts aside his feelings for erwin for a moment, on the things that he choose, on the way that uri welcomes him into his home no matter his choice. he sees the careful judgment in those eyes, the ones that tell him that he is so much like his uncle that it's actively painful. but uri is patient in the way that he also is with kenny  ––  he gives levi the floor, lets him think through his words, his jumbled thoughts, the tears that stain his cheeks  &  that have since dried. 

for a change, he allows himself to sink into the patience of it, the calm demeanor. uri is responding like this because he has regained his memories  ––  he has done this before, has already chimed his way through, sorted the clutter, allows everything to pull in close  &  suffocate until there was nothing left. so levi allows him the courtesy that he never has before  &  confides, the words careful.

it doesn't matter what the founder may have seen or how far uri's knowledge of the previous life might extend. this is levi's moment  &  the things that he allows himself to speak that he could not before.

" you  &  kenny were bonded. "   the words are simple as they tumble out from his lips,  &  he clears his throat a few times to talk through the build up that's started there from his tears. he realizes his hands are trembling  &  shoves them underneath his thighs to punish them into silence. there's a careful, imploring look in his slate eyes when he meets uri's, brows furrowed ever so slightly. the bond has made them come back together now  ––  has aided in those feelings, had given them a warmth. 

levi realizes that for the first time in his life, he is jealous of kenny  &  what he has with uri. 

" i know that doesn't transcend what happens now. the bond is a myth here. but i just… "  levi's brows furrow  &  he lets out a frustrated noise; the thoughts  &  words are jumbling again, his eyes shutting tightly for a long moment as he tries to settle them. when he opens them, they aren't any better  ––  but he allows himself the moment of ineloquent.  " i had the bond too. i don't…think he did in return. "

it dawns on him that it's the first time that he's voiced the thought out loud, past  &  present, that maybe erwin loved him but not in the ways that levi needed. not in the ways that meant that there would've been a future had he survived the suicide charge. that now he can admit that yes, there were feelings: there was something there, a normal feeling of attraction. but there had been too many circumstances, too many what if's to be comfortable. erwin spoke in riddles that had be deciphered  &  levi had never been the best at it when it came to normal speak, not battle speak.

but there's that whisper of doubt in his mind  ––  the erwin of this life has interest in him. if he stays, if erwin remembers, will it go back to the way that it was? will there be this constant strain of holding him at a distance because it's what he thinks is right? 

levi rubs at his temples  &  swallows hard, tries to push past the tears that are threatening again. he never considered himself someone who cried often in front of others; uri is getting the privilege of seeing him at his worst,  &  he doesn't think that's an actual privilege. 

frustrated breath leaves his lips  &  he pulls the stupid truck stop pillow closer to his chest, almost relishes in the scent of cheap beer  &  cologne, because it's something familiar. the fact that it is makes his heart ache more  ––  he remembers that abandonment, remembers being so fucking young  &  watching kenny walk away because the damn ackerman in him awoken. he was too young to fend for himself. he had lost everything. 

it's another thing that makes the tears well up harder  &  he lets out a bark of startled laughter this time, lets it fill the space awkwardly between them because he's crying over kenny. out of everyone that he ever thought he would shed a tear for, it had never been him. but he rubs at his eyes now  &  tries to pressure them into stopping, but they're fresh, sliding down now, unbidden.  " that prick abandoned me. i should have stabbed him when i had the chance. "

there's another ugly bubble of laughter  &  his hands grip at the edges of his hair, tug slightly to try  &  ground him as it all spirals apart once more.  " &  then he had the nerve to give me that fucking syringe like a peace offering. "

a quiet frown, something more placid,  &  he feels the headache growing stronger from the repeated surges of emotions that he's not used to handling.  " he talked about you even at the end.  &  told me what i was, who i was. did you know i used to think he was my father? "

[astralmight]

Dreams go so hard. I just dreamt that I had died but I could be resurrected as long as I did a "small favor" for some sort of afterlife archivist. Said archivist noted he was missing some information about the city frozen in time and flipped as punishment by a curse from its last leader. It was named Hamuran.

Now it wasn't just any cursed city where time seemed to never pass despite the rising and setting of the sun and working traps to keep any future thieves out. They pulled out all the stops and made this a fragmented floating city. All upside down, of course.

Thankfully as a dead person, I had some tricks up my sleeve I was taught to make use of. One I loved to use for this was essentially being able to ignore gravity in a way - I could flip myself upside down but pretend things were operating as normal. Compliments to that archivist for teaching me.

What did this archivist want anyway? What was the last bit of knowledge he sought?

The city's last remaining food supplies that were stored in a great banquet hall that was open to all back before it was cursed. It was full of the city's unique recipes that were lost when the city met its end. He even believed there was a spice mixture that had some spices that had gone extinct since the people that cultivated it were all dead.

Now I'm a weirdo, a fool, a silly little beast. I didn't question this, and neither did two other people who decided to help me because they wanted to be resurrected too.

Now starting the heist! We had to leap and bound from section to section of the city until we found that fancy public banquet hall. It was THE fanciest building... Weird flex, but that's fine. We supernaturally gravity bend our way in, and the only entrance was up high as the doors were all mystically sealed with this terrifying seal that made the doors whisper in an ancient lost language. Menacingly.

We had to be careful floating up. Spike traps galore. Ever play any of the old 3D Sonic games? It was like that.

We manage to get in and we enter this immaculate place stocked to the BRIM with all sorts of unfamiliar food and the recipes to make it all. The glow inside was warm and inviting like a sunny afternoon was filtering in despite the real outside being really gloomy and dim. It was as if someone tried to preserve this place at it's prime so it was never truly lost.

But we're just a few little idiots looking to restore knowledge so we can get resurrected. We get to looting! We decided to try some food in the meantime even though we didn't need to eat with full knowledge that this food? Ancient, and would normally be so past any reasonable expiration date that living people would be finding just hints of its decomposed existence. Not for us, though! It was like it was all just made - though some candy jars were almost empty as if people took some candy as their last treat.

Those ancient lost spices were the best thing I've ever tasted. They seemed to go with just about ANY sort of non-dessert or not-sweet food. It was like some sort of smoky sweet combo that I've never tasted before.

We load up but then we notice this seal threatening to trap us in there, so we had to rush out of there. Admittedly I got chopped in half but I was already dead. Who cares? We all got our recipes!

We turn these things in, and that archivist was so happy.

"It's important to us to know what people liked to cook, especially when an important factor of their recipes has been lost with them." He noted. "Looking at this can help us recall what brought them joy, shows us what would have brought them together time and time again. In a little way, it's like preserving art. Preserving an example of what made these people feel joy in life."

That was oddly deep. Thanks, though.

Pretty sure this was all the result of me taking Benadryl then sleeping for 8 hours straight for the first time in a long time. Benadryl is a hell of a drug.

[dishonoredrpg]

Congratulations, PAYTON! You’ve been accepted for the role of THE TOWER with the faceclaim of RODRIGO SANTORO. What poetry could I write about Feivel? He is, at his core, a worldly man, has seen much, knows plenty, and still finds himself entrapped in a world which he feels he cannot possibly belong to. There is such a human quality to him in the way he shifts and turns just to keep himself alive; your concept with the mirror was especially fascinating -- he has a charm to him, but is it a charm that he’ll be able to stomach later on down the line? I also vastly appreciate your willingness to step out of the box and explore a character you’re not as familiar with; I can really see your affection for him here, and I’m excited to see what you bring to us with him!

Please review the CHECKLIST and send your blog in within 24 hours.

NAME: Payton or Paypay

PRONOUNS: She/her/hers

AGE: 27

TIMEZONE, ACTIVITY LEVEL: My timezone is GMT-7. I anticipate being active on the dash (as in posting starters/writing responses) typically between 4-6 days a week, with 4 being more typical. Writing is a pretty big component of my self-care and allows me a creative outlet to use some of my energy, so I will be on frequently. 

ANYTHING ELSE?: I know this is a second application picked from a small handful of skeletons that still remained, but I wouldn’t be applying for another skeleton if I wasn’t just as excited and dedicated to what I could bring to the group with this skeleton as I was with my first application. At first I was pretty bummed and told myself if I couldn’t get back into a very excited state I would just kind of let it be, but the more I worked on this application the more excited I got about the skeleton and the character I was building out from it.

IN CHARACTER

SKELETON: The Tower

NAME: Feivel Asturias

FACECLAIM: Rodrigo Santoro, Chris Hemsworth,  Joel Kinnaman

AGE: 42

DETAILS: What about this character interested you? Who are they to you? This can be as long or short as you want it to be, in whatever format you prefer.

I suggested this to you during our conversation during which you gave me feedback for my previous application, but The Tower’s skeleton is a big old jump away from characters I’m used to playing. Out of the skeleton’s that were left, I found The Tower’s to be quite compelling and likely the most challenging role to play for me. But I like challenges! Challenging is fun. I think in terms of my own development as a writer, playing a character that feels like such a departure from what I’m used to is a great way to stretch my creative muscles and really push myself to think deeper into the choices I’m making for my character.

Another component I like about The Tower is their history as an explorer. I would like to see story-telling be a strong component of their characterization because they have so many lived experiences. Given the setting, it’s likely he would be one of the most if not the most well-travelled roles in the group. His lived experiences would take him to the ends of the earth that his contemporaries only dreamed of, and I imagine he would be all too eager to recount the stories of his youth (only slightly editorialized… okay, fine, with some pretty significant embellishments). I imagine his life has led him to present as rough around the edges, as a survival tactic, as a leadership strategy, and as a mode of self-preservation… but when he gets to talking, when someone really gets him in his lane of story-telling he takes on an air of slight warmth and overwhelming nostalgia. He also absolutely adores young people, which is discussed a little further elsewhere in the application (one of the plot points if I’m not mistaken).

I am also very interested in toying around with his current role as an antiquarian--because who doesn’t want to make up a whole bunch of mythical items and historical artifacts and lore? I feel like not only would I be able to use him as a method to contribute to the general story line, but it would be a great way to explore some world building within the parameters you’ve set for the group.

I also think that the skeleton suggests that The Tower would be willing to take some risks, which would be interesting to play out. The fact that they were willing to play dumb in front of the king until it was clear playing dumb meant certain death, they take a chance: they try to bargain for their life, and it works. As an unofficial advisor, they view their stakes as being slightly less high than someone officially in the post, so they take risks: they combine a healthy amount of tact with speaking their mind. They see a monarch unhappy in her marriage and desperate for release, so they take a risk: they stand a little too close, brush the back of their hand against hers as they pass in the hallway, and find themselves in a full blown affair. I think taking risks would be an inevitable character trait of The Tower, who likely feels lonely for adventure and too big for their body now that they find themselves land-locked.

The actual card of The Tower also relates strongly to the history I imagine for Feivel and what I would assume could be a turbulent future given his affair with the queen and potential shifting alignments. I see “Tower upright: Sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation, awakening” relating to his arrival in Tyrholm and the killing of his men and consequential end to his way of life/loss of freedom. “Tower reversed: Personal transformation, fear of change, averting disaster” makes me think of his need to navigate the court and avoid what could be certain disaster if the affair with the queen became known to the wrong people as well as his perceived need to tiptoe around The Sun.

Something of interest to me regarding the typical depiction of this card is the image of the card itself. One website’s information on the card stated: “A stone tower is struck with lighting and lit in flames, two people jump from the tower presumably to their deaths. An image of chaos and destruction is painted.This lightning/subsequent fire enters in through the top of the tower and knocks off the crown. The people jumping accept that they do not know what awaits them when they fall - but it is certainly better than burning in the rubble of the tower.” I find this really compelling because I think that if Feivel was present for the event Mini wrote for Kithri’s para sample (and Mini makes that headcanon) or if Feivel sees or perceives Septimus mistreats his wife or perceives King Septimus as cruel in other ways it would be relatively easy to radicalize Feivel. Feivel knows he’s coming in hot on his expiration date, and even if he isn’t on the brink of death and he’s just feeling a little run down, I think he would really struggle to accept a land-locked existence where he’s essentially prisoner in Castle Tyrholm, and might, as the card depicts, run headlong into certain doom rather than accept the alternative if he found a cause worth self-destructing for.

BACKGROUND:

You are born on high seas, the ocean so ingrained in your identity that you could scarcely tell the difference between the waves of a storm battering your ship and the untamed beating of your own heart. Your childhood is composed of tangled memories of stern looks, rope burn, aching muscles, calluses, stolen goods, and the sound of splintering wood. The smell of gunpowder from the cannons found a permanent home in your nostrils and you lived with a constant sensation of breathlessness between the battles and seascapes that colored your days.  Your early years are like the ocean itself; ever-moving, unforgiving, and constantly threatening to pull you under in its cruelty if you so much as dare to be still for even a moment.

As you enter your teenage years, the treatment you receive only becomes harsher. You are no longer only responsible for chores around the deck, but you are brought into roles of responsibility where a misstep can be the difference between life and death of a crew member. You participate in your first ambush, and it terrifies you how easy it is to drive a blade into another body and how hard it feels to draw it back out. But letting that deter you is not an option. The stakes are high, and the sting of every slap and lashing’s meaning is two-fold. Corporal punishment is a daily reality of your life, the best way a motley crew of pirates knows how to instill discipline. And beyond discipline, you know you’re the next in line for leadership and as a leader you must be unyielding. Your father is preparing you, and the way you see it the crack of his leather strap against your back is the only way he knows how to say he loves you.

You are seventeen when you inherit your father’s ship, his death a sudden and brutal blight that stains a corner of your mind you avoid with vermillion and a mix of pain and resentment. Your mother died long before, when you were no older than six or seven. The closest thing you have to any memory of her face is the memory of her running her fingers through your hair to soothe you to sleep. every time the sea breeze rustles through your hair it evokes her memory. You keep it long and unkempt for that reason alone, though if anyone asks it’s a matter of convenience. It is unbecoming of a captain to display such vulnerabilities as sentiment and weakness—or at least that’s what your father before you conditions you to believe. You quickly realize you see leadership fundamentally differently than your father. Where he asserted authority by means of dominance and violence, your approach values brotherhood.

You find yourself establishing a Brotherhood of Asturias. You name your clan in honor of your ship. Later in your life, you will name yourself in honor of your clan—not as a badge of honor, but as a reminder of your shame. No one would accuse your clan of reformation. To anyone outside of your fold, you’re just as ruthless as your father. You’d still burn the world to the ground for the promise of glory when the flames died down. But within your kinship, you develop a sort of honor code. Your commandments are as such: honor those who honor you, betray no other lest your life be on the line, help the needy if it helps yourself, to kill an innocent is the most mortal of sins, and you shall not advance yourself at the harm of others. Your reputation does shift, but only slightly. Rather than pillagers and barbarians, you are seen as a ruthless treasure hunter.  

For the next fifteen years, your reputation precedes you. You travel to the ends of the earth in search of the relics of the old gods and to reclaim the wonders of the world. It isn’t easy work, but the payoff makes it worth it. You accumulate wealth with nowhere to spend it, but the sense of power of merely possessing the rarities and finery you have is enough. And you love the camaraderie and catharsis. By your mid-thirties, you are grizzled and scarred. Your body aches from the strain of your journeys, but your mind is somehow light under the sheer weight of the stories you have to tell. Your life is spent fast, but if anybody asks it is spent well.

Finally, aware of your limitations and content with your life of misdeeds, you select your successor and one final mission. You view it as a training exercise to cement your decision: both to lay down your arms once and for all and that you’ve chosen the best and brightest to take your place. You set sail to the remote island of Calamity in search of an item of lore, so simple that the common man would pass it over without a second glance: the Mirror of Ouroboros. The mirror is a small, handheld curio of impossible value. The reflector itself is a small, obsidian mirror that upon first consideration seems harmless if not impractical. However, upon looking in the mirror its magical virtue presents itself by revealing three truths about the user, each of them as destructive as the next if the user is without fortitude of mind. You recover the mirror with little consequence along the way, and you are reassured that your decision making was sound. You are resolved to your fate and wary from travel, you drift off to sleep easily after your final ransacking.

You are dragged from your bed by a pair of hands as cold and harsh as death itself. The mere touch is enough to pull the breath from your lungs. You don’t recognize her at first, but The Sun will haunt your nightmares for the next several years, and in a much more present way haunt your days as well. You are thrown before the king, your crew not far behind. But it is toward you who the king directs his ire. He demands the mirror, and you bite back at his entitlement. You tell him you don’t have any such item, and he knows you are lying. You tell him the mirror is no creation of his god, the Undying One, and as a result it shouldn’t be any interest of his. It’s the wrong answer. You realize it’s the wrong answer when you hear a squelch from behind you, and the sound of a body drop to the floor. The groaning is easily recognizable as your second in command, slaughtered as result of your folly before they even had their real chance to carry on your legacy. The world mutes, but you’ve seen this scene before. There is nothing but a loud ringing in your ears, but you know The Sun is working down the line of your men behind you.

Your hands shake as you pull the mirror from your breast pocket, and you consider looking into it. Surely the madness is a better fate to resign yourself to than to live with your indirect responsibility for your brotherhood’s death. For another moment, you consider allowing the king to look into it, to exact your revenge without needing to so much as lift a finger. Instead, you slide the mirror across the floor, still safely contained in its cloth shroud. You hear your voice warning the king of the mirror’s power, that with patience and research it could be the key to turning his kingdom into an empire. You tell him that more relics exist across the span of the globe, some of them here on the continent of Markholm. You’re bargaining for your life, despite the fact that according to your very own honor code you no longer deserve it.

For some reason, the king lets you stay. You know this is more a strategic move on Septimus’ part than an act of mercy. You are hardly a free man. You yourself know that not all prisons have bars. Yours doesn’t, but you’re locked in a cage all the same. Your wild heart rails against your fate at first, but your tired body cannot keep up. You slowly resign yourself to your circumstances. You spend your day lamenting and licking wounds for months, giving Septimus advice through gritted teeth and refusing to recognize kindness from anyone around you. You are like a cornered dog, but you damn well know better than to bite the hand that feeds.

Slowly, the dagger in your heart loosens and you move through the stages of mourning your freedom, your crew, and your former life.  This doesn’t mean that your life in Tyrholm is easy, but you start to recognize areas of comfort. The Empress shows you a modicum of kindness, and you cling to it. The way you see it, the pair of you mean little more to each other than a pair of warm bodies at first, but it’s a momentary distraction the both of you welcome. The way your rough, calloused hands catch on the silk she seems herself to be spun from reminds you of your place, it stops you from being careless enough to leave fingerprints. You stop yourself from getting emotionally attached--no one ever accuses you of being a wise man, but you know better than to shit where you eat. The Moon gravitates in the perimeter of your attention, and you wonder what she wants from you, though she never seems to ask for much. The Sun also exists within your gravitational pull, though you wish she wouldn’t. You have nothing but enmity for her, an emotion you know is futile but that you can’t seem to put away.

The one thing you take seriously is your role as advisor. Septimus strikes you as mad and simple, a ruler grounded in dualism and individualism. Your belief in brotherhood and the collective clashes with Septimus’ harsh reign, but you can stomach it given your years spent under your father’s thumb. You yourself are never treated with particular cruelness after you are added as a member of the court. A part of you cares how everything shakes out, even though your body tells you it might give out before you see things through. Another part of you only cares about slowly convincing Septimus to give you a longer leash to try to convince him to dispatch you for one last adventure or two.

PLOT IDEAS:

You’ve Got Your Reputation and Your Good Intent (The Emperor): Feivel was not exactly a willing addition to the court. With death as the only alternative, joining up with Septimus looked like a good choice, but in the skeleton it doesn’t suggest that The Tower ever develops any sense of loyalty or admiration for King Septimus. In fact, in the connection section with Judgement, it suggests that The Tower finds the world they find themselves stuck within to be “horrible”. Given I want to incorporate captaining a ship as part of Feivel’s past, he would chalk up the state of the world to mediocre leadership. Further, The Tower is smack in the middle of the triangle depicting attitudes and loyalties. He doesn’t have much skin in the game, but he kind of gives a shit. I have to imagine that given their travels, The Tower would have a stronger concept than Septimus of how the other side lives, how people perceive things, of even surface level diplomacy, who seems to make decrees and decisions at a whim. Knowing that The Emperor is the next in line for the throne, I imagine The Tower would want to see the heir equipped with more of a holistic outlook rather than a self-interested, dualistic approach. While it sounds like Septimus is the one who likes to be regaled with stories of adventure and daring, I imagine Feivel might try to impart some sort of wisdom about different perspectives, universal truths, and interest in the plight of fellow man. The Emperor has probably never experienced life outside of the castle walls, certainly never outside of Tyrholm where many valuable lessons for a future ruler wait to be learned. But Feivel struggles with putting his meaning into words, he isn’t some educated member of the court, he’s a rogue in nice clothing. There is no underlying agenda aside from expanding the young heir’s worldview--but the danger of saying the wrong thing, of the slightest slip up in the tone of voice being read as a criticism of King Septimus makes the line between good intent and treason a tricky one to walk.

Suffer the Fools (The Moon): Feivel enjoys young people tremendously. Youth tends to couple with ambition and vigor. This is also part of why he even wants to bother trying to impress some of his lived experiences on The Emperor. Based on the connection written in The Moon’s bio, it seems like The Moon would be eager to listen to those very same stories. The Tower is depicted as a cache of information regarding other civilizations, the old gods, history, antiquities, magic, and tales of their own youth. I think in talking to The Moon about these stories and being listened to, a friendship would be forged and from that friendship, trust. Feivel understands thieves' code, he can pick up the dynamic in most any room he walks into, he knows history, he recognizes value when he sees it, navigation and survival in the wild is a given… but all of this was learned through oral tradition. Books were of little value on a ship, education wasn’t valued in his lifestyle. In his previous station, Feivel couldn’t have cared less, but now it’s developed into a soft spot. What does it say of a king if their antiquarian and unofficial advisor is illiterate? I think that if Feivel developed trust with The Moon, he would be willing to share this vulnerability asking them to write correspondence for him in a pinch and potentially how to read and write. I think this vulnerability might help lead The Moon to ask the questions they have about magic as discussed in The Moon’s connections.

All’s Fair in Love and War (The Empress): I am interested in exploring the connection listed in The Empress’ bio depicting the affair between The Empress and The Tower. It is not really mentioned in The Tower’s bio or in the main body of The Empress’ bio. I am interested in exploring Feivel’s motivations in this affair. Is there genuine affection that Feivel feels for The Empress, or does he see her as a pretty treasure of the king’s that makes for an interesting conquest? If there is genuine affection, how does he deal with the jealousy or perceived mistreatment of The Empress as a wife? Additionally, there could be a number of interesting consequences for the affair to deal with as far as jealousy, not being able to bit his tongue regarding Septimus’ attitude about his wife, or even the secret of the affair becoming more widespread. I think the affair could also complicate the way that some members of the court and group see Feivel. They could potentially misread the affair, whether it’s a matter of the convenience of the two just acting as warm bodies for one another or if it develops into a full blown emotional affair, as Feivel tries to step into a role of power or exploitation. It’s also some pretty damaging ammunition against him if he crosses the wrong person.

Mirror of Ouroborus (The Sun/The High Priestess): One of the things I would look forward to adding to Feivel’s character and the group as a whole is sort of building out the world with some mystical items. In this case, I think it could be fun to toy around with the item that landed Feivel on King Septimus’ agenda in the first place. This is a plot I would build out with either of the two more experienced necromancers. The item I have in mind for this plot point in particular would be called the Mirror of Ouroborus, an ancient, magical artifact the most of the world either doesn’t believe exists or has already forgotten. The mirror itself is a small, obsidian mirror that upon first consideration seems harmless if not impractical. However, upon looking in the mirror things begin to complicate. When looking in the mirror, it shows its user three truths. The first truth is easy to swallow: the reflection morphs into the user at the epitome of their potential, in their greatest state of glory. The second, the reflection morphs into what it is that stands in the way of those accomplishments, whether its an internal or external force. And third, it shows the essence of the user as they really are. Each of these reflections manifest as a simultaneous, momentary vision, but the mirror itself is dangerous. The lore surrounding the mirror depicts the third reflection driving everyone bold enough to stare into the mirror mad, incapable of swallowing the truth about themselves and the inherent flaws of humanity. However, who better to look into the mirror than someone numbed to even the most base emotion? Though it’s unlikely Septimus would put something as valuable as a master necromancer on the line for anything less than a guarantee. I would imagine in this plot, Feivel and either The Sun or the High Priestess would be tasked with unraveling the mystery of the Ouroborus Mirror for its eventual use.  

If You Stand For Nothing, What Will You Fall For (General): Check out the triangle of alignment and who is smack in the middle but The Tower? I think this presents a few interesting concepts. There are so many different components of the skeleton that could suggest many different ways for his allegiance to be pushed and pulled. If he has a personal rather than transactional relationship with The Empress, her alignment of general tolerance of King Septimus might pull him toward anxiously waiting out the king. Then again, it might have the opposite effect if Feivel ends up having very spiteful feelings about the Empress being stuck in the marriage. I envision most of the connections listed on the bio slowly dragging Feivel’s alignment toward the bottom left of the chart. I want to explore Feivel’s character with a moral alignment of true neutral as well, which I think would create a lot of interesting dynamics given Feivel seems to be starting from a place of general neutrality as well. I would be very interested in seeing what, if anything, could radicalize Feivel given his starting point.

Through Terra Incognita: Feivel is not exactly a member of the court by choice, but rather quick wit and Septimus’ whim. I would argue that Feivel sees himself more as a prisoner of the court than actually free. He was brought to the court by force, and he’s essentially kept there out of fear of the Sun. Sure, there are perks. He probably is all about that food, a nice bed, fancy clothes, and a comfortable place to rest his tired bones… but just because he wanted a rest doesn’t mean he isn’t restless. It might be interesting to have Feivel be dispatched by Septimus to retrieve some sort of treasure or antiquity with another character or maybe even two. This item could potentially be central to the plot if it interests you to invest in the plot in that way. I think this could be an interesting way to interact with Judgement (religious relic?), or potentially The Hermit or Strength. However, I’d be happy to make this plot work with whoever might be interested even if they aren’t listed there. Fievel is probably incredibly eager to go on any sort of adventure and get out of the city, so he would jump at the chance to go on such a quest, even if he clashed with his travel companion every step of the way.

Brave, Intrepid, and Then Some: If you do not recognize the lyrics used as titles (here and the plot point above), the song “The Trail We Blaze” from Dreamwork’s masterpiece The Road to El Dorado is big inspiration vibes for Feivel and his adventurous side. He knows he is never going to be the marauder he was before his years in Tyrholm, but there’s a spark in him that can’t quite go out. I think something to feed into this, and his general world knowledge, would be to develop a sort of “wonders of the world” for Markholm. Something I think that might be interesting to do is to pick a few characters and try to create artifacts, locations, etc. that are sort of drawn from or inspired by these characters. Perhaps they would not be significant to the plot, but I think it could be a fun concept to build out Feivel’s experiences.

CHARACTER DEATH: I think given some of the pies he’s stuck/will stick his finger in there’s a pretty real chance he might piss off the wrong people eventually (Septimus, Reynaud, Naenia given his fear of her) whether that be by him making a false move or his affair moving from a bit of an open secret to a full blown scandal. Also, he’s lived a rugged life, which I’m sure has taken a toll. Given the parameters you’ve set up to support players if there’s a character death and the context of this character I’m comfortable with it.

WRITING SAMPLE

Another restless night, and Feivel found himself roaming the halls of Castle Tyrholm with the company of his faithful hound, Gunport, at his side. It was the sound of the wind whistling outside his sleeping chamber’s window that kept a good night’s sleep at bay, the sound reminding him of those wind whipped days out at sea that built him into the man he was now.  He lobbed a ball down the corridor lazily and got some mild entertainment watching the hairy beast chase after it with gusto before bounding back to its master’s side and pushing the slobbery toy into his hand. But even the momentary distraction couldn’t hold back the feelings that he was now more a ruin than a man.

His father had died valiantly in battle, though the skirmish itself could have been avoided by better planning. Even so, his father had died with his reputation intact, ruthless to the end. Feivel himself had quickly built his own mythos around himself, even if it was not as cruel as his father’s. He knew the Clan Asturias had gained a measure of renown, enough for King Septimus to know of their accomplishments, and as the captain of the ship Feivel himself was the figurehead of the legend. On nights like this, he would retract his steps and try to pinpoint the exact moment he had gotten too far ahead of himself or too comfortable. He knew what his father would say, that his downfall was the direct result of trusting anyone but himself. Some nights, Feivel felt that conclusion was correct. On other nights, he surmised that his fate was inevitable. For years, he had wondered how legends were brought to their knees. Now he knew he was little more himself than some exotic game King Septimus had cornered and would eventually mount on his wall like the other trophy animals in Castle Tyrholm’s gun room.

The candlelight flickered from further down the hall, and both Feivel and Gunport stood aware, their two sets of wild eyes pointing in the direction of the disturbance. He wondered vaguely if someone else was being kept awake by the ghosts of their past, or if perhaps it might have been the growing sense of restlessness that had been building behind closed doors and in whispered conversations throughout the castle. He had only been a member of the court for a handful of months, but he knew what the early stages of insurrection looked like. This was something he altogether aimed to avoid, more than convinced that the king would be able to put an end to any treason before it truly started.

It surprised him to see the queen passing through the hall, and for a moment he felt his presence was inappropriate. Life in Tyrholm had come with a healthy dose of culture shock, to say the least. He had cleaned up well, this was true, but he knew he was far from noble. His manners had provided ample fodder to mock him in his first months in the court, and the stiff clothing he had been given felt like it choked him. Perhaps it was his station in his office that made him feel most like the butt of a cruel joke, the books that lined the shelves and his pot of ink and paper virtually useless. He had wondered for a while how long King Septimus would humor him after he realized his master of antiquities couldn’t so much as write his own name. Luckily enough, he had proven himself entertaining enough to listen to that when he was called upon it was almost exclusively in person. Whenever the need to write was unavoidable, it was no trouble to intimidate a servant or page into writing it for him. It took little more than a menacing glare and the simple lie that he preferred to dictate his response rather than be saddled with the chore of writing his message himself.

As The Empress approached, Feivel bowed. It was practiced to look natural, as if he’d been bowing to monarchy all his life rather than copying the other members of court over the past few months. He also took grain pains to make the motion as fluid as possible despite the strain it caused his lower back. “Your Majesty,” he greeted, “I apologize for disturbing you this evening.” He tossed the ball away again, figuring someone of her stature had little interest in being near such a creature. The dog took off again after the ball, springing clumsily down the long hall.

“It’s quite alright,” Queen Calliope responded in a muted voice. She lifted a slim, graceful hand that caught the moonlight as she gestured before them. “Perhaps you would walk with me?”

Before Feivel had much opportunity to respond, Gunport had asserted himself into the situation. The dog pressed the ball into the palm of the queen’s hand, wet nose, slobber, and all. It was the habit of a well trained dog to return whatever it was fetching directly into the hand of it’s master, but Gunport was friendly and apparently wanted to extend the invitation to play to the queen herself. Embarrassed by what he assumed was poor manners, Feivel became somewhat nervous and hoped to escape the interaction without insulting Queen Calliope. He turned his attention from her hand to her face to respond, but his answer was delayed slightly as he observed her unassuming beauty; the smoothness of her skin, her piercing dark eyes, the way her silk-like dark hair framed her face and swept against her shoulders, and the delicate shape and hue of her lips. He was a man who recognized finery when he saw it, and what held more value than the wife of a king?

“Another night,” he mumbled, staring at the toe of his boot rather than in her eye. His voice was gruff, a bit terse as a force of habit. “When I don’t have the hound with me.”

Accepting his answer, the queen lifted her hand to pass the ball back to Feivel. He extended his hand, accepting it from her, unintentionally brushing his fingers against the back of her hand. The contrast between the two did not escape him, his own hand rough with work next to her unmarred skin. Her skin was smooth and cool compared to the warmth and calluses of his own hand. He let the touch linger for a moment before his eyes met her own. She didn’t seem disturbed by the touch, which even if unintentional was an insult to her station. Queen Calliope placed the ball in his open hand before bidding him goodnight with a soft, amused smile. “Another time then, Feivel. May the Undying One bring you safely to another day.”

“Another time then,” Feivel repeated, holding the ball up as if it were some secret known only to the pair as he walked backward toward his quarter. He tossed the ball over his shoulder with a roguish grin, his eyes trained on Queen Calliope. Only when she turned his back on him to continue on her way did he turn away from her.

EXTRAS

I want to plot out what the affair looked like, from start to current state, with The Empress’ player, so I’m not taking my writing sample as gospel. It just seemed like the most natural thing to write because I think the connection with another person in Tyrholm he established with The Empress was probably a turning point in his mourning process/ability to accept his current station as basically a glorified prisoner in Castle Tyrholm and to engage more with others.

Inspiration Blog (There are three pages, you gotta click the last little dot with a sort of square to get to the next page)

[aprilgrayrobin]

Judgment XX

Part 1

When I was sixteen, I came home from school one day and my mother gathered my little sister and I in the living room with an enormous sense of urgency.  Her face was full of fear and sorrow as she presented us each with a backpack, and told us that everything we would need to hopefully survive could be found inside. A change of clothes, running shoes, thermal blanket, protein bars, tablets to disinfect drinking water, basic first aid supplies, iodine tablets to prevent the body from absorbing radiation, and a bundle of cash in small bills.

She informed us that the very next day, according to the prediction of an evangelical pastor, the rapture would take place. In Christian theology, this is the second coming of Christ to Earth and the event that signals what is commonly conceptualized as “the end of the world.”  As a Christian, my mother believed that she would ascend to heaven. As “non-believers,” my sister and I would be left in the rubble… which is to say some vague, resource-scarce dystopian landscape of smoky skies and fights to the death in abandoned grocery stores aisles.

My mom was ready to go. She was ready to leave this world, and move on prematurely to the afterlife. But this was not a new thing. She had been ready, with barely one foot on the ground, for as long as I can remember.

As a young child, I recall tornado warnings that would send us running to the basement with sleeping bags, ready for the worst. The world ending wasn’t always about Christ’s return, see. More broadly, for my mom, I think it was about retreating from reality. It was any excuse to hole up and defend her nuclear family from threats semi-real to fully imagined.  She hoarded (and still, I believe, hoards) supplies as a regular practice--cleaning products, canned goods, bulk grains, batteries--and invariably most of it would expire before it was ever put to use. But it soothes her, my mother, and abates the anxieties stoked by Fox News, InfoWars and fire-and-brimstone preachers delivering end times prophecies to the day.

It is hard to share this. Despite the harm she caused me, and the fact that we do not speak, I have love for my mother. I see her paranoia and her attempts to feel safe in a world that is fundamentally not safe.  I feel sad that she can only conceptualize safety as being more prepared than her neighbors, and keeping it all to herself. I want to share this, though, because in being raised by someone perpetually readying herself for the apocalypse, I developed a readiness of my own.

I am thinking about the Dean Spade lecture on mutual aid, “Solidarity Not Charity,” that I attended this past fall. There was a moment when he was speaking about the idea of safe spaces as being not only an impossibility, but a concept that actually detracts from effective organizing. I want to quote him as saying, “If I get my safety from making you wrong, that’s authoritarian.” He described being at a meeting where people were planning for a common goal, and someone saying something hurtful and offensive. Rather than immediately kicking the person out, he said, what could come of recognizing that you had a common enemy (capitalism, the police, etc) and educating them. The “safety” that would allow him to respond to that situation in the latter way was generated by “having enough, and being held in community so that we can tolerate discomfort.” it is this definition of safety that I have been orienting towards.

Part 2

Recently someone asked me what kind of witch I am, and I told them “a political one.”  I say this because the witch hunts of early modern Europe are one of the main origin points for our current conception of what a witch is. Although the Wicca of second wave feminism claimed those executed as “witches” to be ancestors of a Pagan religious tradition, in reality many if not most of them understood themselves as Christian. According to Silvia Federici’s extensively researched thesis, the people executed as witches were killed for the threat they posed to the newly enforced order of economic and social relations— early capitalism. In medieval Europe, most people practiced some form of what we would call magic. Charms for love, money and protection were run of the mill. It was only the magic of those who existed in opposition to the patriarchal capitalist order--the unmarried, disabled, unhoused, and destitute--that was labeled diabolical. Those Christians became heretics, and heretics became witches. The practice of magic alone did not, and perhaps does not, make someone a witch.

I am a witch in part because I was baptized in the Presbyterian church. I am a witch because I am a dyke who loves God (in a polytheistic kinda way). I am a witch because I survived an upbringing that nearly killed me, and I have committed my life to fight to destroy the societal structures which give rise to the interpersonal violence that I endured. I am a witch because of the non-hierarchical way I strive to relate to life in all its forms— plant, animal, human and non-human, living and dead. I am a witch because I believe that what we can imagine, we can bring into being.

In March of 2017 I was preparing for a spring equinox ritual with a group of witches as part of a Wheel of the Year class offered by my teacher, Miel Rose. On the seasonal theme, we wanted to cast a spell for moving back into embodiment after a time of being numb... For embracing the movement of spring after the dormancy of winter.  In the week between our planning meeting and the day of our ritual, I found out the man my sister was dating, Rafael, an undocumented man from Guatemala, was detained by ICE in Pennsylvania.  I remember feeling utterly powerless to free him from the jaws of the evil machine that is our immigration system. I went into ritual thinking about our intention for greater embodiment and movement. It wasn’t complete, I realized, as a spell to support our own transformation. We needed to cast a spell for freedom of movement for all people, all beings.  And so we did.

On the bike path in Northampton, under the South Street overpass, we chalked in huge letters

A WORLD WITHOUT CAGES IS POSSIBLE.

And we chanted and hummed and visioned and sent the truth of that world we could feel in our bodies out to be picked up and passed on by others.

After ritual, I wrote these words in my journal:

"I WILL FEED MYSELF BECAUSE I LOVE THIS WORLD AND I AM OF THIS WORLD AND I DESERVE TO BE FED

Let it all come up into the (sun)light

Learning to be vulnerable, slowly Learning I won’t be punished for it Learning it’s ok to make mistakes, to be wrong, to fuck up That I can and will be held

Real change is slow and sometimes it hurts but sometimes it’s a steady drip till the water flows in full."

We were unsuccessful in our legal efforts to free Rafael from detention and prevent him from being deported. Witnessing his journey struggling against the system--attending his asylum trial inside the prison where he was being held--further radicalized me and moved me to political engagement in a new way. Fast forward a couple of years and I’ve been blessed to organize as part of the Trans Asylum Seeker Support Network to get transgender and genderqueer asylum seekers across the U.S./Mexico border, out of ICE detention, and set up with sponsors and support in western Massachusetts. This work has drawn me into a web of community I had previously only dreamed of (and cast spells for). We believe it is possible and necessary to abolish the police, abolish prisons, abolish capitalism. As a collective, we treat each other with kindness and encourage honesty in everything we do. We recognize that we need each other, and we act like it. What an immense gift to be surrounded by people who believe that a world without cages is possible, and to be fighting for it together. The more I connect and build with radical left activists, the more I realize we could have an entirely different world.

Part 3

And that is what I am sitting with in this moment. Everyone is calling it the apocalypse, and I don’t think that’s heavy handed. The word apocalypse comes from the Greek apokalupsis, from apokaluptein meaning ‘uncover, reveal.’ The whole world is seeing what was behind the curtain that is the mythology of capitalism.  There are extreme losses occurring in this process. Death abounds. This is heavy. And. In the shadow of death there is preciousness. On this, I think, my mother and I agree. Everything is cast in a softer light. The finiteness of life becomes more real. There is possibility for deep change, because the ultimate change looms so large. We feel the urgency of how totally unsustainable the current order of economic and social relations is. The working class is fed up, and recognizing that they have power.

I re-read the Revelation to John (aka the Book of Revelation) recently for the first time in years. I believe that the end of the world described there cannot be separated from the description of the downfall of the Roman empire. I choose to read it slant. I choose to queer it. I choose to cultivate a relationship with this apocalypse moment that centers weaving webs of care alongside on the ground organizing to bring about the downfall of our current empire. For me, it is the only way through.

[isitkpop]

Unexplainable Emotion Game

So, I felt like  creating a new kind of game that would spark up my K-Pop writing spirit. ~ Admin Chas

So, the way how this will go is almost the same as my other games. Pick an emotions and let me know what member OR ship you would like for me to write!

I do have limitations for groups that I will do For this game specifically. THis is because some of the groups that I have on my Masterlist, are groups that I still don’t fully know. So, I’m putting a group limit on here. Please choose a member OR ship from the groups below (the emotion list will be below also.)

It’s under the cut since it’s lonnnnnggg

Groups:

A.C.E

BlackPink

BTS

Day6

EXO

GOT7

Infinite

Seventeen

Emotions! (W/Definitions. There’s 40 to choose from xD)

Onism - n. the awareness of how little of the world you’ll experience. Imagine standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die—and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.

Mal de Coucou - n. a phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time—which is a form of acute social malnutrition in which even if you devour an entire buffet of chitchat, you’ll still feel pangs of hunger.

Sonder - n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Hanker Sore - adj. finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off.

Chrysalism - n. the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm, listening to waves of rain pattering against the roof like an argument upstairs, whose muffled words are unintelligible but whose crackling release of built-up tension you understand perfectly.

Altschmerz - n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

Occhiolism - n. the awareness of the smallness of your perspective, by which you couldn’t possibly draw any meaningful conclusions at all, about the world or the past or the complexities of culture, because although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room.

Ambedo - n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—briefly soaking in the experience of being alive, an act that is done purely for its own sake.

Nodus Tollens - n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

Liberosis - n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone—rather to hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball, keeping it in the air, with only quick fleeting interventions, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play.

Vemödalen - n. the frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist—the same sunset, the same waterfall, the same curve of a hip, the same closeup of an eye—which can turn a unique subject into something hollow and pulpy and cheap, like a mass-produced piece of furniture you happen to have assembled yourself.

Kairosclerosis - n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

Vellichor - n. the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time—filled with thousands of old books you’ll never have time to read, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room the author abandoned years ago, a hidden annex littered with thoughts left just as they were on the day they were captured.

Rückkehrunruhe - n. the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness—to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all, even though it felt so vivid just days ago—which makes you wish you could smoothly cross-dissolve back into everyday life, or just hold the shutter open indefinitely and let one scene become superimposed on the next, so all your days would run together and you’d never have to call cut.

Nighthawk - n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night—an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future—that circles high overhead during the day, that pecks at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can successfully ignore for weeks, only to feel its presence hovering outside the window, waiting for you to finish your coffee, passing the time by quietly building a nest.

Dead Reckoning - n. to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.

Pâro - n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

Midsummer - n. a feast celebrated on the day of your 26th birthday, which marks the point at which your youth finally expires as a valid excuse—when you must begin harvesting your crops, even if they’ve barely taken root—and the point at which the days will begin to feel shorter as they pass, until even the pollen in the air reminds you of the coming snow.

Adronitis - n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone—spending the first few weeks chatting in their psychological entryway, with each subsequent conversation like entering a different anteroom, each a little closer to the center of the house—wishing instead that you could start there and work your way out, exchanging your deepest secrets first, before easing into casualness, until you’ve built up enough mystery over the years to ask them where they’re from, and what they do for a living.

Rigor Samsa - n. a kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time—and will keep growing back again and again, until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of tree houses.

Silience - n. the kind of unnoticed excellence that carries on around you every day, unremarkably—the hidden talents of friends and coworkers, the fleeting solos of subway buskers, the slapdash eloquence of anonymous users, the unseen portfolios of aspiring artists—which would be renowned as masterpieces if only they’d been appraised by the cartel of popular taste, who assume that brilliance is a rare and precious quality, accidentally overlooking buried jewels that may not be flawless but are still somehow perfect.

Fitzcarraldo - n. an image that somehow becomes lodged deep in your brain—maybe washed there by a dream, or smuggled inside a book, or planted during a casual conversation—which then grows into a wild and impractical vision that keeps scrambling back and forth in your head like a dog stuck in a car that’s about to arrive home, just itching for a chance to leap headlong into reality.

Keyframe - n. a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the past, but allows you to move forward without endless buffering.

Gnossienne - n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.

Anecdoche - n. a conversation in which everyone is talking but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.

Catoptric Tristesse - n. the sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad or if at all—that although we reflect on each other with the sharpness of a mirror, the true picture of how we’re coming off somehow reaches us softened and distorted, as if each mirror was preoccupied with twisting around, desperately trying to look itself in the eye.

Anemoia - n. nostalgia for a time you’ve never known. Imagine stepping through the frame into a sepia-tinted haze, where you could sit on the side of the road and watch the locals passing by. Who lived and died before any of us arrived here, who sleep in some of the same houses we do, who look up at the same moon, who breathe the same air, feel the same blood in their veins—and live in a completely different world.

Mimeomia - n. the frustration of knowing how easily you fit into a stereotype, even if you never intended to, even if it’s unfair, even if everyone else feels the same way—each of us trick-or-treating for money and respect and attention, wearing a safe and predictable costume because we’re tired of answering the question, “What are you supposed to be?”

Monachopsis - n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.

Semaphorism - n. a conversational hint that you have something personal to say on the subject but don’t go any further—an emphatic nod, a half-told anecdote, an enigmatic ‘I know the feeling’—which you place into conversations like those little flags that warn diggers of something buried underground: maybe a cable that secretly powers your house, maybe a fiberoptic link to some foreign country.

Énouement - n. the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, where you can finally get the answers to how things turn out in the real world—who your baby sister would become, what your friends would end up doing, where your choices would lead you, exactly when you’d lose the people you took for granted—which is priceless intel that you instinctively want to share with anybody who hadn’t already made the journey, as if there was some part of you who had volunteered to stay behind, who was still stationed at a forgotten outpost somewhere in the past, still eagerly awaiting news from the front.

Daguerreologue - n. an imaginary interview with an old photo of yourself, an enigmatic figure who still lives in the grainy and color-warped house you grew up in, who may well spend a lot of their day wondering where you are and what you’re doing now, like an old grandma whose kids live far away and don’t call much anymore.

Fata Organa - n. a flash of real emotion glimpsed in someone sitting across the room, idly locked in the middle of some group conversation, their eyes glinting with vulnerability or quiet anticipation or cosmic boredom—as if you could see backstage through a gap in the curtains, watching stagehands holding their ropes at the ready, actors in costume mouthing their lines, fragments of bizarre sets waiting for some other production.

Avenoir - n. the desire that memory could flow backward. We take it for granted that life moves forward. But you move as a rower moves, facing backwards: you can see where you’ve been, but not where you’re going. And your boat is steered by a younger version of you. It’s hard not to wonder what life would be like facing the other way…

Kenopsia - n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that’s usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet—a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.

The Tilt Shift - n. a phenomenon in which your lived experience seems oddly inconsequential once you put it down on paper, which turns an epic tragicomedy into a sequence of figures on a model train set, assembled in their tiny classrooms and workplaces, wandering along their own cautious and well-trodden paths—peaceable, generic and out of focus.

Jouska - n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

Ecstatic Shock - n. the surge of energy upon catching a glance from someone you like—a thrill that starts in your stomach, arcs up through your lungs and flashes into a spontaneous smile—which scrambles your ungrounded circuits and tempts you to chase that feeling with a kite and a key.

Heartworm - n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

Xeno - n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

[zgtiger]

A Doctor’s Farewell

A lean man set in his late 20s would be leaned over a decent sized crate, carefully placing some folded laundry within. His short brown hair and clean shaven face are something Preston could never think to forget. The square framed glasses over his eyes was always a beacon to remember him by. The man has become the face of the Stormwind Clinic for many years, he would be impossible to forget. “Where are you going to go?” A 17 year old Preston would ask, standing at the man’s left flank.  They’d been standing within the clinic that was set within the Cathedral District of Stormwind City. The rustle and bustle of the church goers and other citizens just outside the open archway of the building would go unnoticed by the two. Even the slumbering patients splayed in some of the beds would not be addressed for now. 

The brown haired man, often known as Mister Clyde to many of the employees of the clinic, would glance in Preston’s direction with a faint smile. “To hopefully live out my dreams. Perhaps find someone to love and take a lifelong vacation.” He faintly chuckles as he mentions such an idea but the amusement was mostly feigned. 

“You know what I mean.” The well reserved boy would respond gravely, unable to handle the attempted jest from his employer. “I just don’t know if this place could run well without you, you know?” In a faint tilt to his head, Preston would offer a vague expression of sorrow. He never wanted to see Clyde leave him, he was probably the only person on the planet that could fully understand him. To give him no judgement and to hear him out no matter the situation. 

Clyde produces a faint sigh, his eyes closing briefly before reopening. From his lean over the crate, he continues to gently stuff clothing items as well as other medicinal remedies and tools within. “Preston, this place is in good hands. I have trained you and the other doctors well, you don’t need me anymore.” 

Straightening up, Clyde would maneuver around the clinic searchingly, walking in a heavy limp. Only briefly glancing in the direction of some of the patients that had long been tended to. Preston, like a lost dog, would follow after. “But we do need you, Clyde. You’re the main doctor.” 

“I was the main doctor, you mean?” Over his shoulder he would glance, briefly arching his brow before turning his attention to a shelf set in the far corner. “You knew this day was coming, Preston. As I’m sure you are well aware by now, nothing lasts in this world. From material items to people, there’s an expiration date for every little thing that exists.” 

Preston offers a look of sorrow, ensuring Clyde would not see from where he was present. A slight pout comes to his lips, gaze downcasting itself so his eyes were glazed over on the floor. He didn’t have much to say in that regard, as Preston was all too fond of the concept of loss.  As if it were some kind of 6th sense, Clyde would address the young man in a soothing tone as though he could detect a growing distress. In doing so, he heavily limps towards the nearby shelf and glances around at its contents. “Fret not, Preston. There’s so many things in this world to discover. So many different people to meet and others to savor as long as you still have them.” With a pair of careful hands, Clyde would collect an assortment of books from the shelf. Initially reading their vague titles with his spectacled eyes. “This is not goodbye.” Taking an armful of books and notes in his slender arms, Clyde would heave them with minimal struggle towards the crate he had just been packing earlier. As a result of lugging them over, Clyde would huff and puff before straightening himself back to stretch. With the weight of Preston’s eyes watching, he would be almost urged to speak up. His calm voice filling the silence. “I understand it, Preston. What you’re feeling. I know you’ve said that many have told you over the years but it is unhealthy to dwell on the bad things in life. As often as they occur more frequently than good things, that is all the more reason to cherish what is decent in this world.” Clyde flashes a hopeful smile as he makes a slow approach to the teenaged boy. “Just like diamonds and gold. They are slim in quantity but we still grasp at them and hold them for as long as we can. You may let them go one day but they come back if you look for them.” There would be a dramatic pause and in that pause, Clyde would pause to stare directly at Preston. “The rare finds are what make life worth living. You keep digging through the mud and dirt and eventually you will find something worthwhile.”  During another pause, Clyde would reach into the pocket of his white apron. A few moments in rummaging through it would soon be met with the revelation of whatever he’s kept buried inside. Through a closed palm, he pulls something free and grasps at Preston’s hand in order to deposit the item within his. Without any objections, Preston obliges and takes whatever he was being given.  When Clyde reels away somewhat, Preston would see just what had been given. It looked to be a silver ring with a red gem in its centerpiece. His gaze widens somewhat, as it was probably a jewel he’s never seen before. “A token to remember me by.” The spectacled man would force a smile before turning on his heels to wander back towards the crate at his back. “I was going to save it for Rosalie but I never did see or hear from her again.” His voice would turn grave at the mention of the woman back from the frontlines. That was when Preston knew she had to have been dead, the very idea struck something in his heart. “I can’t accept this, then.” Preston extends the ring back out towards Clyde but the man refuses to make a grab for it. “It was meant for her, not for me.” At the idea, Clyde shakes his head and lifts the hefty crate from the table from which he’d kept it.  “No, Preston.” His voice this time was spoken firmly, not unlike a father commanding his son. That much would halt Preston in his attempts to offer the ring back. Clyde, during a long pause, would end up settling his crate back on the table so he could recall. Venting his feelings to Preston on the matter. Subconsciously so. “She saved my life and I couldn’t save her in return.” He would lower himself to a sit on the bench, rubbing at the side of his head thoughtfully. “She insisted on fighting off the horde and as much as I kept telling her not to, she wouldn’t back down. A true knight she was. Defending the weak, protecting her allies, fending off immediate threats.” A deep and drawn out sigh commences as a result of mentioning those truths.  Preston would maintain his silence, staring pointedly at the ring he’d just been offered. Though, he would find himself move closer to Clyde until he was in arm’s length and from there, he ends up wrapping an arm around his shoulder soothingly. A gesture that would put a smile on the doctor’s face. “I don’t have any family, you know. No one to share any gifts with. The closest to family I’ve ever had was this clinic. In some way, I see you as my own. A son I’ve never had. You are a huge pain in the ass sometimes but you’re a good kid.” At the creases of his lips, a genuine smile tugs there and changes his overall demeanor. One of his own arms would reach out to hug the boy, even if it was mostly short lived. “I’ll miss you, Preston. Leaving is necessary, though. Whether it’s farewell or not is up to you. But needless to say, it is not the end of the world.”  He rises back up from the bench so he could further his embrace towards the boy. A friendly hug that betrayed his utmost affection and care towards him. Without any hesitation, Preston exchanges it. Tightly wrapping the slender man into a hug of his own and practically squeezing him to death. “I’ll send for you when I have the time.” Preston assures with a calm voice of his own.  And after the exchange was completed moments later, Clyde returns to collect his inventory from the table. The flash of his gaze in Preston’s direction would show that he appreciates the reassurance. Without lingering for much longer, Clyde would heave his items towards the exit of the clinic. “And I as well. Farewell, Preston.”  From there, Preston would have no choice but to watch Clyde turn his back and begin his departure. His green and grey gaze never leave the man’s back until he was out of sight. Even then, he too would move towards the exit to actually see him off but once Clyde disappeared around the corner, Preston stands within the doorframe for a prolonged amount of time. The desperate longing to have Clyde come back and say he wasn’t genuine in his resignation would expand. So he ends up waiting and waiting for Clyde to come back, with a hope that was quickly fading as time passed. Until finally, with much hesitation, Preston pulls away from the doorframe of the exit to get back to work. 

[writesaboutbangtan17]

say you’ll remember me

mingyu x reader fluff, angst, implied smut

6,445 words

a/n: i know some parts of this are so *stares right into the camera* obnoxiously cheesy but guess what? i like this and i just don’t care. i’m currently writing a horribly stupidly long hoseok fic, but i realized the writing had gotten a little stale n asked my bff for a prompt to write a “ficlet” (this was supposed to be 2k or less) and she gave me: mingyu, fluff and angst, wildest dreams by taylor swift (because my mingyu tag is “he’s so tall and handsome as hell”). so ta da, this is what u get

~ in which your young, dumb love will hurt you, will ruin you, has an expiration date…but is so, so worth it

    You never forgot to visit your hometown in the summertime. Of course, it was nice to see your family, but you could see them any time of the year, and saw them often in the fall and the winter. What made the long drive from the city worth it in the hundred degree weather, sun glaring down on the hood of your car and baking you inside of it, was the chance to see the seaside in all its glory. You’d been raised in a humble beach town and you’d seen it a thousand times, but you’d be happy to see it a thousand more. As a kid, you couldn’t say you’d appreciated it much. The town itself and the beach were a little dumpy, nothing to write home about.

    It was the memories you’d created there once upon a time that made it special. As you pulled into a spot in the tiny parking lot and cut the ignition, you could remember late nights in the backseat of a car a lot older and rustier than this one, making your own heat as you pressed your sweat-slicked body to another. You trudged out onto the sand and as it flattened beneath your sneakers, you remembered squishing it between your toes as you watched a certain young man wading in the shallow ocean waters. He’d splashed some little kids nearby, pretending to fall beneath the surface with the weight of their own splashes back at him, and you’d imagined how this scene would look many years from now with children who were the perfect mix of you and him. You’d been 17 then.

    The same old snack bar stood beneath a few palm trees, and you could never forget him buying you ice cream every afternoon, no matter how much you insisted eating one ice cream cone every day would put a thousand pounds on you. He’d wrap an arm around your waist to pull you close, and “I’d still love you,” he’d hum against the side of your head. Every day without fail he’d bump his chocolate ice cream against the tip of your nose, and you’d crinkle it in fake disgust as he insisted on licking it off.

    Not far away was the playground where he’d push you on the swing, the bathrooms where you’d lock yourself in a stall and make out every day, the fancy restaurant he’d saved up for a month to take you to once (and even then, he couldn’t afford for you to get anything to drink besides a water—not that you minded). You passed by them all on your way to the watchtower. No matter how many times you visited the beach, you hadn’t gone up to the top of it since that summer five years ago. But you’d just gotten a great job, made some great new friends, and you were even starting to date someone new—your life was nothing like you’d imagined it’d be back then, but it was still good. You’d told your new partner about your trip, and although it was a particularly teary conversation, you explained why it was such an important one to make. They were the one who gave you the strength to take each step up the concrete staircase, to keep your head up instead of turning and running back to your car.

    The top level of the watchtower overlooked the entire beach. From one side you could see all the way into town, all the way towards your parents’ house where your old teenage bedroom was waiting for you. On the other side, the ocean went on forever. Facing the water, you wrapped both hands around the old splintered railing and looked down between them. Mingyu & Y/N 4E. It was so childish, you’d known even then that it was childish, but it still brought a smile to your face.

    You refused to let the tears at the corners of your eyes fall, and reminded yourself not for the first time that none of this should make you sad anymore. It had been so long, and you’d moved on…but that couldn’t stop the longing in your heart. You wished the waves carrying away the sand and pebbles could wash away the memory of that wolfish grin, the warmth of his calloused hands on your skin, the feeling of loving him so much that you’d give up the stars and the clouds and this whole universe if it meant you’d never have to live a day without him at your side.

    You wished that he had kept his promise.

    “Oh my god, Mingyu,” you groaned as he shoved the small pocketknife back into his jeans, “we’re almost adults, that’s kids stuff. Some kid wanted to do that with me when I was like eleven.” Mingyu rolled his eyes and grabbed your hand, yanking you over to his side as he blew away the wood shavings to admire his masterpiece. You turned your head towards the water, letting your hair fall over your face so that he couldn’t see the lightest of pinks dusting your cheeks at how nice your names looked together—he’d never shut up about it.

    “Who was it? Was it Joonki? Hyunwoo? Hyunwoo has always had a little crush on you. If it’s him, I’m gonna beat him up the next time I see him,” Mingyu ranted, and you knew he was only half-joking. You leaned into his side and reminded him,

    “We were literally eleven, and Hyunwoo hasn’t even looked at me in like three years. When will you ever see him again, anyways?” The tall boy beside you said nothing, knowing you were right. He’d probably never see any of the kids he’d gone to school with here ever again.

    “It’s not like I’m never coming back,” he tried, his voice small, “and I could drive over to his house right now if I wanted to. He lives like three blocks away.” You should have laughed, should have let him believe that his smallest of attempts to lighten the mood worked, but there was so much unsaid that was smothering you. A part of you wanted to beg him not to go, wanted to ask him if he really couldn’t be happy living a simple seaside life here with you. You wanted to tell him how unhappy you’d be without him, how every day the sun would be a little less bright.

    Instead you asked him, “Wanna push me on the swings?” You moved to skip towards the stairs, but Mingyu’s arm around you was tight, and you just fell back into place. He was stiff, silent, and you could feel the melancholy in his bones, underneath his skin. You worked up the nerve to look at his face and wished you hadn’t—you could count on one hand the amount of times you’d seen him look so serious, let alone without a wide smile, and still have fingers left to spare. His eyes were stuck on the horizon, and you ignored the dread building in the pit of your stomach.

    “C’mooon, I wanna swing,” you whined, instead of asking him what was so much better about Seoul than this town, what was so much better about being an idol than inheriting his parents’ business, what was so much better about a life without you. 

     Why didn’t the idea of being apart hurt him as much? Why would he carve these stupid words into this building when he knew they were a lie?

    “It’s late,” was all he said, “we should go home,” and you scoffed. Mingyu hadn’t gotten you home before 2 A.M. in months, and that would be considered an early night for you two. Then again, his train did leave at nine o’clock the next morning. He wouldn’t want to be walking dead when he arrived at his new home. You wrenched yourself out of his hold, turned your back on him, took one step away.

    “Wait,” he stopped you, “there’s…there’s something we have to talk about first.” You didn’t want to hear what he had to say. It could only be one thing, and maybe you could survive the heartbreak if you didn’t have to hear the actual words out loud. “We don’t, though,” you wanted your voice to be strong, but you were practically whimpering, already felt the tears threatening to fall.    “We do. I don’t want to leave you hanging, wondering if you should move on or not,” he mumbled the last part, knowing as soon as the words came out of his mouth that they were the wrong thing to say. A choked sob tore from your throat, and you would have crumpled to the ground if he didn’t catch you. God, at the beginning of the summer, you had really thought that the two of you could make it. You had really thought he’d want to make it work.

    You knew that it wouldn’t, though. His life would be a constant cycle of dance, sing, put on a smile for the fans, eat, sleep, repeat. There would be no time for late night Skype dates or calls during breaks, no time for days back home, no time to love you. Even if there was, you would have to be the most tightly kept secret. Once his group debuted, you knew there would be rabid fangirls constantly ready to riot if their beloved idols were seen with another woman. You could never go out with him, especially not during the day, and not without him in a hat and a mask, unable to show off that grin that was just for you. That was if the company even let him keep dating. Mingyu would try to fight it, try to do it without them knowing, but it’d only make the impossible even more difficult. There was just no fitting you into the life that he wanted, and you had to come to terms with that.

    “Don’t worry, Mingyu, I know exactly what this means,” you snapped. You knew that you shouldn’t be mad at him, but you’d never felt a pain like this before. You never would again. The anger that had come on so strong, so quickly, melted away as you saw those dark brown eyes of his that had never looked at you with anything but love. He looked so beat down, so sad, and he didn’t deserve to feel that way when he was just trying to follow his dreams. You were being selfish—you weren’t worth giving those up for, and he wasn’t worth giving up yours, either. He was just a person. But he became my dream, you thought.

    “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said, and you reached up to brush away the few tears that dripped down his cheek, “I love you. You know that I love you, right?” You nodded. How couldn’t you know that he loved you? You’d only been together for a few months, but you’d never felt safer, happier, or more cherished than you did with him.

    “I love you, too,” you promised him, “I’ll never love anybody the way that I love you.” It was the truth. Young love was reckless, stupid, painful, but there was no love more sincere. You hadn’t let go of his face, and you traced your thumb longingly over his bottom lip. Longing for a kiss, longing for a lifetime with him that you’d never get.

    He could at least grant your first wish, leaning forward and pressing his lips to yours fiercely. There was no brush of tongue, no lip biting, but it felt more intimate than those kisses. 

     It felt like a goodbye.

     You were drowning in Mingyu’s shirt, one he’d just pulled out of his trunk and thrown at you before he sprinted into the water. It was barely noon, but the day had already been ruined, as far as you were concerned. You’d been awake for barely an hour and only just stepped out onto the sand for the day when a pelican dropped a huge load off on your shoulder, splattering all over your pretty new slip.

    Mingyu, ever the gentleman, had fallen over from laughing so hard as you struggled to pull it off without getting any of the bird poop on yourself. It took him five minutes to compose himself well enough to walk back to his car and get this shirt for you. It was white, with an obnoxious beer logo on the front of it, as if Mingyu had ever had more than one nasty wine cooler at a party he wasn’t even supposed to be at. If you didn’t know better, you’d think he’d given you the white shirt on purpose, waiting for the perfect moment to run up and bear hug you with his big wet body so that the shirt would stick to your skin and show him the tiny little yellow bikini you had on underneath it. Pervert.    

    You tried not to, but with him splashing around in the water and not sitting beside you, rambling and distracting you from your thoughts, they drifted away to those that you’d been avoiding for awhile now. It was the last week of summer vacation. In six days, Mingyu would be leaving to train in Seoul, and it was yet to be determined what would happen to your relationship with him after that. Ideally, you’d try the long distance thing…but that was for normal people, people like you. Not idols. It wouldn’t be long until Mingyu debuted and the most you ever saw or heard of him would be on TV or the radio. You still had a year of high school left, and your own dreams would keep you in school for a long time, far away from him.

    “Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Mingyu popped up beside you, jolting you out of your anxious mind. You smiled and shrugged, “Not much,” deciding to put that off. Today you would be happy. If Mingyu thought you were lying, he didn’t push it. He just grabbed your hand and pulled you to your feet, fixing you with a pout.

    “Come swim with me?” He asked, and you just couldn’t say no to him. You pulled off his shirt and dropped it onto the towel you’d been sitting on, glowering at him when he folded the towel over to cover it.

    “I don’t wanna get bird poop on it,” he giggled, and ducked away from your swat at him. You chased him into the water, and as soon as you were waist deep, he picked you up to spin you around before dropping the both of you down beneath the surface. Holding your breath, you opened your eyes and looked at Mingyu. His were squeezed shut, but he had that signature grin on his face, canines showing and all. You drifted forward to plant a kiss on his mouth, then sprung back up to take a gulp of fresh air. Your boyfriend followed after you slowly, and stayed crouched down so his body stayed underwater while you stood. You looked down at him and if he asked, you’d swear the red on your cheeks was from the sun and not from the way he looked at you like you made the earth go around.

    “Hey, do you wanna eat at at Seaside’s tonight?” He randomly asked, making you sputter through a laugh as you wringed out your hair. The cheapest entree at Seaside’s was forty bucks, you knew Mingyu didn’t have the money to drop on something like that. “But how could we skip out on ramen at Sunwoo’s,” you joked. Most nights you either bummed food off of your friends or picked up something cheap, and on Mondays, you always found your way to your friend Sunwoo’s for dinner. His parents just couldn’t turn the lovebirds away.

    “I’m serious,” Mingyu said, and there was no laughter in his voice, “let me treat you. A queen deserves a feast.” There was no way you could lie your way out of this blush now. Mingyu finally got on his feet, standing at his full height and putting him a good half a foot over you. He shaded your face from the sun, and smirked at the shining scarlet staining your face.

    “I don’t have anything to wear to Seaside’s,” you said meekly, and Mingyu shook his head, “I got something for you.”

    He had the decency to tear the price tag off of the dress he’d picked up God-knows-where, and to admit that his sister helped him pick it out. You’d have to thank her the next time you saw her, knowing Mingyu would most likely have picked out something that just barely covered your ass and held in your boobs. The white babydoll dress stopped a few inches shy of your knees, and had a pretty lace trim on the hem and the scooped neckline. It was simple, but certainly looked and felt expensive. It amazed you that he’d go to such lengths for one fancy night with a girl he’d never see again come a week from now.    

    He’d sent you outside ahead of him when it came time to pay the bill, and you told him you’d wait at the top of the watchtower. The steps were a little scary in heels you’d only bought to wear to a wedding once, and then never again, but you managed. You figured Mingyu didn’t want you around to see how many bills he had to drop on the counter, for which you were thankful. It was nerve-wracking enough just knowing he’d spent so much money, without knowing exactly how much. He had calmly told you when you sat down at the table that you could order whatever you liked, and had even suggested the most expensive item on the menu. After you insisted that you could never finished a twenty ounce, sixty dollar steak, you told him that one of the $20 salads looked good—but when the waiter came, Mingyu ordered a steak for himself and one of the fancy seafood dishes for you, over forty bucks.

    It was something he knew you well enough to be sure you’d love, and you couldn’t be annoyed with him for it, just genuinely curious about what you’d ever done to deserve it or him. This was what you were pondering on when you heard footsteps coming up behind you, and turned to see Mingyu. The sun was just starting to set, and in that light, he took your breath away. He was so tall and broad, filling out his white button-up and dark jeans nicely, with gorgeous bronze skin that he was somehow self-conscious of stretched over his frame, and jet black hair flopping over his eyes. As soon as he reached your side, you pushed his bangs back off his forehead and took another moment to admire him up close.

    “You look prettier than me, babe,” Mingyu said quietly, knowing exactly what you were thinking, as always. You shrugged, “True,” and when he looked offended for half a second, you added, “But you do give me a run for my money.”

    The two of you watched the sunset in silence after that. When there was only a sliver of the sun left over the horizon, and the deep orange had almost entirely melted away to a darker blue, you finally peeked over at Mingyu to see that he had his head resting on his hand, turned entirely away from the water, with his eyes locked on you.

     You sighed and told him, “You don’t have many sunsets left here to watch, you know.” He seemed to concentrate even harder on you at that.    “I don’t ever want to forget what you look like right now,” he whispered, “the sunset doesn’t compare.”

    You had been seeing Kim Mingyu for exactly a month when he showed up outside your house that morning. The looks your parents gave you as you skipped down the stairs and ran out the front door were of exceptional displeasure, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to care when the most handsome boy was waiting for you.

    You fixed the slip over your bathing suit before slipping into the passenger’s seat, and were happy to note that you didn’t even flinch when he wrapped his big hand around your thigh, anymore. Normally, he wouldn’t hesitate to start the car and head towards the beach as quickly as possible, but this morning was different from others. He cocked his head and bit his lip, contemplative, then finally asked,

    “Do you have a change of clothes in your bag?” The tote that you’d put down on your feet was heavy, and that weight did include a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, but instead of telling him that, you had to ask why. Mingyu’s other hand was rubbing the back of his neck as he answered, “I want to take you into the city today.” You didn’t have it in you to be annoyed with him for not telling you beforehand, or for sneaking peeks at you as you changed from your bikini top into your bra and slipped into your other clothes while he drove on the empty country roads leading away from town.

    “There’s a bunch of different street foods in the city, and weird shops that they’d never have back home, and karaoke bars and stuff like that,” he raved, “and there’s so many more people, lots of foreigners.” You remembered him telling you that he’d gone to the city to visit family a few months ago, but you’d never known exactly how enamored with it he was. It sounded fun, but the slower, simpler life in town appealed to you much more.

    He hadn’t been lying about the crowds. It took twenty minutes to get egg bread by the river, and even longer to find a nice quiet spot to sit and eat. Mingyu listed off all the different shops he wanted to take you to, dozens of them that sold things from clothes to stationary to cooking supplies, but you weren’t listening much, more focused on watching him speak. The way his eyes lit up and he stumbled on his words because he was talking so fast made you suspicious. You’d never seen him so excited about anything before

    “Do you want to go up to Seoul Tower?” Mingyu asked as he dragged you out of one shop and right into another. The last had been a cosmetics store that spilled products out into the street, this one was a fancy boutique with cute summer dresses and skirts. You pretended you couldn’t hear him as you flipped through some clothes on the rack beside you, pausing for a moment on a pretty white dress you couldn’t afford. If this were any other trip into the city, you’d jump at a chance to go and see the view from the top of the tower, but you weren’t dumb enough to believe this was any other trip. Eventually, Mingyu would admit the real reason he brought you here, but no matter how many times you asked him what that was, he insisted he just wanted you to get out of town and see some place new.

    He took you up to the tower, anyways, and you wanted to admire the cityscape, but couldn’t take your eyes off of Mingyu. It was as you saw him devour the sight, jaw dropped and eyes wide like he’d never seen it before, that you realized this was where he wanted to be. Ice spread through your veins at the thought. Maybe you’d gotten too close to this boy too fast, diving into him headfirst before you even thought about what his life looked like, what he wanted it to look like in the future. Maybe your parents weren’t wrong for thinking you were in too deep with him.

    “It’s amazing, right?” You just nodded at him. You didn’t know what else you could say. On the ride down the mountain, Mingyu held your hand tight and gushed about some of the people he’d met when he’d been visiting, guys named Seungcheol and Jihoon who took him to the village the cable car would drop you off near. He didn’t tell you how he met them, just how nice and funny they were. You could barely appreciate the scenery there as he kept talking about them, jokes they’d made and funny things they’d done. He mentioned some guys named Soonyoung and Wonwoo, as well.

    “Where did you meet all these guys?” You finally asked him, and he told you, “Oh, they’re friends with my cousin,” and that was the last of that. He got you jajangmyeon for dinner, and as you slurped your noodles in silence, he talked about how many more opportunities there were in Seoul than in your hometown. When he mentioned how much easier it was to get into music and acting and whatever other forms of entertainment, you laughed for the first time all day.

    “I don’t think it’s easy to do it just because you can,” you informed him, and for the first time all day, the smile slipped off of his face. The knot of anxiety in your chest wound tighter at this as your mind went into overdrive trying to pull together all the pieces of this puzzle, knowing Mingyu didn’t have much longer to stave off telling you the truth, hoping you could figure it out before then.    He suggested walking the food off when you finished eating, and led you through the city streets. It seemed he had finally run out of praise to heap upon the place, and you made the mistake of relaxing in the silence, thinking he was taking you back in the direction of wherever he’d left his car so you could finally go home. You shut your eyes and leaned your head on his shoulder, trusting him not to walk you into oncoming traffic. You didn’t even realize it when he’d stopped walking.

    “Y/N, babe,” he sighed into your hair, “open your eyes.” You weren’t sure what you expected when you did, but a wide plain building with the words ‘PLEDIS Entertainment’ hung up on the side of it were not high on the list.    “What, is this the company one of those idols you like works for?” You asked, and felt Mingyu shift from one foot to the other, moving his weight away from you. He pulled his arm out of your hands and turned to fully face you, with his lip tucked tight between his teeth and his eyes on the ground.

    “Well, yes, but,” he took a deep breath, “this is the company that I auditioned for a few months ago. And I got in.” Just yesterday, you’d been imagining what your kids would like, all tan-skinned and sharp canines and thick black hair, splashing in the waves at home every day. I’m so stupid, you realized, why did I think I’d be enough for him? You refused to cry, refused to let this boy who you barely knew break your heart like this, refused to acknowledge the part of your brain screaming at you that the two of you knew each other better than anyone else ever had. You’d never survive this if you didn’t start insisting to yourself that Kim Mingyu meant nothing.

    You blinked at him and said, “Oh, that’s cool.” Then you stepped around him and kept walking forward. Shoulders back, chest out, chin up, you told yourself, do not fucking cry. “Don’t be like that, Y/N,” you heard him saying from behind you, “please, I need you to be happy for me.” You spun on your heel with a sharp smile painted on to your face, “It’s great news, Mingyu. You’ll do well.” Then kept walking.

    It could have all ended right there. You could have insisted Mingyu drive you home, locked yourself in your room for the rest of the summer, never fallen in love with him. But when you heard a tiny, broken “thank you,” from the boy who you couldn’t stand to see without a smile on his face, you couldn’t help it.    “How can I be happy about this?” You asked, stopping at the curb. Mingyu hurried to your side, taking your hand back into his and holding on so tight, so that you couldn’t let go. His other hand locked around your jaw, forcing your head to turn so you could look into his eyes.

    “I know it’s hard, babe,” he said, “but this is my dream. I want to be a rapper!” You almost laughed. Kim Mingyu, the sweetest boy you’d ever met—a rapper. But you could tell he was serious, and you’d never laugh at his dream, just like you hoped he’d never laugh at or dismiss any of yours. Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, the desperation for you to be on board, you knew you couldn’t disappoint him, and under no circumstances could you be the reason he didn’t do any and everything he wanted to and was capable of.

    “It’s really great, Mingyu,” you assured him, and you meant it this time, “I’ll support you the whole way.” The relief that flooded his face was worth it.

    It turned out he did have a cousin in town, albeit a much older cousin with their own apartment that they said you could stay over in. You called your parents to tell them that you were staying over at your friend Soojung’s, and they believed you because you’d never been one to lie before getting mixed up with Mingyu. You remembered that you’d never even told them you were going into the city. They’d kill you if they found out.

    “Sejun’s working the night shift,” Mingyu informed you as he came back into the guest bedroom, “he just left.” You were wearing a shirt of Sejun’s and your bikini bottoms and nothing else, and Mingyu was only wearing a pair of loose sweatpants low on his hips, and you really thought he would have slept on the couch, but he was sliding underneath the comforter beside you before you could say as much. The furthest you’d gone with him so far was just barely making out in his car a few nights ago, but the electricity charging in the small space between your bodies really wanted you to move closer and attach your body to his.

    “Mingyu,” you whispered into the dark, and he hummed back at you. That was all you could take, rolling over to swing one leg over his thighs, effectively straddling him. Mingyu oomfed with the sudden weight on top of him, but his big hands immediately came up to circle your waist.

    “You’re moving to Seoul in a couple of months,” you said, as if he needed reminding, and you could just barely make out his nodding before you dipped down to press your lips to his and swallow his moan when you slowly swirled your hips to grind against his bulge. If anybody back home knew you were so ready to go so far with him so soon, they would think so lowly of you, but you’d never cared less what people back home thought. Now you knew your love story had a deadline, a timer ticking down, and not to a happily ever after. There was no time to waste.

    You tossed your sunglasses into the sand, rolling from your back to your stomach and laying your head on your folded arms beneath you. It was a thousand degrees outside and you weren’t really looking to work on your tan, but what else was there to do? Soojung was supposed to meet you, and at least then you could go swimming with her, but she was already a half hour late.

    It was the first Monday after school got out for the summer, and the beach was packed. You ignored everybody you recognized from school, not seeing anyone you particularly liked, anyways. Kim Mingyu and Shin Sunwoo were splashing around in the water, and they were cute but they were also obnoxious, and you weren’t friends with them, barely even knew them. Mingyu and you had a class or two together every year, but had barely ever spoken.    

    You had just started to drift off into a very warm nap when you felt tiny drops of water hitting your back, and in your head, you cursed the weatherman for predicting clear skies all day. “They never get that shit right,” you grumbled, shifting your weight onto your palms to lift your upper body, and heard a familiar voice ask you, “What’d you say?”

    You looked over your shoulder at Mingyu leaned over you, drops of ocean water dripping from the ends of his hair onto your skin. Groaning, you reached up to push his legs, and watched him fall onto his ass with a satisfied smile before dropping down to get back to sleep.

    “Hey, stop,” he said, “you can’t fall asleep out here, I didn’t see you put sunscreen on or anything.” 

     You snorted at that, “What, like you were watching me?”

    “Well. Uh. Yes?” That was not what you expected to hear, and you felt wide awake now. Daring to look at Mingyu again, you were greeted by a shy grin. You’d never noticed before how his pointed canines peeked out like fangs, and you found it oddly endearing.

    “Do you even know my name?”

    “Of course I know your name, Y/N,” He said, with the most incredulous tone, but you wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t. You finally sat up to face him, and somehow kept your eyes from wandering to his chest and abs, soaked with water, shining in the sunlight. It was truly a feat to admire.    “Ok, then why were you watching me?”

    “Because you were laying here alone, and we’ve never really talked before, and I’ll be honest, your butt looks really cute in those bikini bottoms.” You fought a blush, and the words didn’t sound as gross in his sweet voice, didn’t make you want to punch his teeth out, either.

    “Well, your butt looks pretty cute in your trunks,” you told him, and God only knows where the bravery came from to even throw in a wink. You and Mingyu talked for hours, and when Sunwoo came over to ask if Mingyu was coming over to eat, he was waved off without so much as a glance. You didn’t even notice when Soojung arrived and saw you with him, and headed over to somebody else she knew instead of interrupting the two of you.

    “That’s hilarious that you think so, Y/N, but I know that I can eat more tteokbokki than you can,” Mingyu insisted, and if he listened hard enough he would have heard the gears in your head turning, churning up the best bet you could think of, knowing he was wrong. Maybe you’d have him streak across the beach tomorrow, or climb onto the roof of the watchtower.

    “Then you’ll have to prove it,” you challenged him, “tomorrow. We’ll meet here and get some from the snack bar and see who is the Tteokbokki Eating Champion.” Mingyu immediately accepted, smile wide, and you thought to yourself that that was a smile you could get used to seeing.

    He offered to drive you home when it started getting dark, but you wound up in another long conversation as you were walking towards the car, and ended up lapping the entire length of the beach a few times before you felt too tired to go on anymore. When you passed the playground for the fourth time, you beelined towards its gate, and Mingyu followed.

    You ignored the jungle gym, the monkey bars, and the slide, and found yourself perched on a swing, as any normal person would choose. Instead of sitting on the swing beside you like you expected him too, Mingyu walked behind to start pushing you. You ignored the goosebumps that rose as you felt his hands on your skin for the first time.

    “Y/N, what do you wanna do after high school?” You couldn’t say that you’d thought much about it. A lot of kids were desperate to leave town, but you loved it here, and had just expected to work at your parents’ restaurant instead of thinking of what you would actually like to do.

    “I’m not sure,” you admitted, “I just…want to be happy.” Mingyu gave an affirmative hum. You talked to him about anything either of you could think to ask the other, getting to know him like you’d never expected to, telling him things you’d never told anybody, not even your closest friends. Something about Mingyu made you feel so at ease. It was when he grabbed the chains and abruptly stopped your swing, leaning over to grin down at you over the stupidest pun you’d just told, that it occurred to you for the first time: you could fall in love with this guy.

    You could be happy with him.

    Mingyu & Y/N 4E. You brushed your thumb lovingly over the words, and even though you tried not to, thought of that morning that he left. You’d fallen asleep in the watchtower, and when you woke up, he was long gone. The sounds of the first beachgoers cars pulling into the parking lot and excited kids yelling as they ran towards the water twinkled into your ear, and you couldn’t even feel angry that he’d left you here. He had a train to catch, after all, and you only lived a few blocks away. Your tote bag had been sitting on one of the steps, and as you grabbed it to sling over your shoulder, you noticed a little note placed delicately on top of it.

    I’ll never forget falling in love with you this summer.

    You’d kept that note for a long time—it was folded up in your wallet right now. You plucked it from it’s pocket and held it out over the railing, then watched it slowly drift down to the waters surface. It floated there for a minute, before a gentle wave came to carry it away.

    It had taken a long time to accept Mingyu’s decision, but you’d always known that you’d never ask him to give up on his dreams for you, that life would go on after he left. You had to believe that one day you’d have a happy life, even without him in it, and you had to believe that he’d be happy, too. Seventeen had been doing well, winning award after award, every comeback seeming to top the last. You liked them, and it wasn’t just because of the voice that you missed, that you could only hear in song or during interviews now.

    You made the trek back to your car, and decided that you wouldn’t come back to this beach for awhile. One day you’d bring your kids here and they wouldn’t look like him, at all, and you’d buy them ice cream and tap their noses with it, and you’d give them kisses underwater, and you’d push them on the swings and maybe even show them your name carved into the railing on the watchtower. 

    You’d tell them that it was worth it to fall into a love that will never last.    

    And you’d remember the boy with bronze skin and the wolfish grin, and hope one day somebody could make them as happy as he made you, even if it was just for one summer.

[shesafirecracker-blog1]

FEAR

“The Beautiful Thing About Fear Is, When You Run to It, It Runs Away" – Robin Sharma

This is an actual picture of me trying to face my fears. As you can see…I am stuck in the middle.

Once upon a time I was drowning in fear. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was. I was 25 years old, recently separated from my husband at the time, two children under the age of five, and desperately latching on to my perception of how things were supposed to be. What I didn’t know at the time, was the meaning of letting go. Letting go is living without fear, and fear is one strong willed bitch. Facing my fears and being the bigger bitch, is how I ended up here.

I used to think that if you decided to let go or released your worry that you were basically accepting your life exactly the way it was. You were resigning yourself to “it is what it is” and quitting. I was no quitter. If anything, I was relentless. So relentless, I couldn’t sleep a whole night through because of my mind constantly reminding me to be afraid. Afraid of what? Of getting what the hell I deserved. When you are full of fear it brings on a tsunami of worry.

I learned, way too late, that whenever I am uncomfortable, unhappy or any other shit emotion, it’s because I am resisting something. Resisting doesn’t change a damn thing. It sends out negative vibes. And guess what? Negative attracts negative. Which means, when you send out negativity, expect negative situations and people to arrive. Good God does misery loves company.

So how did I stop resisting and face my fears? I’ve read enough self-help books and have experienced enough revelations in The Salt Cave (just ask me) to know that you HAVE to accept your life right now exactly the way it is, because if you do not, you will stay in one place. And in that one place lives comparing, desperation, insecurity and a vast amount of disappointment. Let go of the way you think it should be. Free yourself –free your mind.

So let’s go back to Missy at 25. This was the year I first had to actually face my fears without any help. It was a time of joy with the birth of my second daughter and a time of emotional pain as well, as I was going through a separation and moved out of my home with a new born. Basically I was the kid running around the department store, hiding under the racks of clothes. Occasionally I’d stop running and swing from the bar and someone would walk by wondering who in the hell I belonged to. I belonged to no one. Not even to myself. Because even though I was a soon to be single mother of two, I was a complete stranger to myself. You could find me at the Lost & Found. A sad girl who forgot who she was and had let fear and other people tell her who she was and what she was capable of. I was in shock. What do you mean my marriage was a sham? What do you mean I have no job, no friends left, or even a house to live in? Two kids and broke. Broke financially and in spirit. Have I lost my mind? I remember running away from my marriage with two very young kids in tote and thinking, “that isn’t my life, this isn’t my life…where am I?” But it was. Surprisingly enough I was lost but I was free. I was BROKEN and when you are broken you give broken love…and my children didn’t deserve that. I had to get better. I didn’t recognize, at that time, what a blessing to feel this fear really was. I had let FEAR keep me in a marriage way past its expiration date, put my happiness second to everyone else’s, and had caused myself to live an empty life. It sounds ridiculous just typing it. I didn’t love myself and where love doesn’t exist, FEAR rules. However, fear also catapulted me to build a whole new life by my damn self. I love that girl. The girl I was at 25! She was a badass! She still is.

I rushed life at a young age and hurt a lot because of it. However, it also gave me clarity. Clarity at such a young age was a gift. A gift some people will never receive. This clarity made me realize I managed to keep fear as a regular practice. Like yoga in my living room. A practice that’s especially hard to give up.

For me I have a tendency to try to control everything. Without that control, fear creeps in. Or so I thought. I was lying to myself. Fear had a lifelong lease in my head. The only damn thing you can control is yourself. Trust me on this one. I have learned this lesson the hard way…a million times over. I still struggle with relinquishing control at times, but thanks to the universes funny sense of humor, it’s now far and few between. I have spent these past years fearful of change. I struggle with commitment, my career, and most of all letting people in. Life can make us hard and it seems fear grows with age. A child has no fear and the elderly fear everything. I don’t want a life not lived because fear held me back. So how did I get here…right here talking to you?

Last year….I LOST MY SHIT. Simple as that. They say everyone has a limit. My limit must have been as far as the moon. As strong as I am and as much fight that is in me, I kept allowing people and situations to railroad right over me. We all know her or him. The person who appears strong and who kicks ass but somehow doesn’t leave that job or divorce that asshole. That she was me. This girl right here.

  I wish I could say I woke up one day and just dominated life. Nope that never happened. I was crawling to my dreams. For someone with my energy, that was a struggle. Then I turned 34 years old and all hell broke loose. In a matter of a few months, 2016 KICKED MY ASS. I ended a relationship with a best friend and someone I truly loved, I walked out on a job that I had been with almost my entire adult life, and shortly after all of that my mother passed away unexpectedly. Pain, questions and more pain filled my heart up.

   Quick question: What are the important aspects in your life? For me it is family, loving relationships, career and health. In a matter of a few months three out of four of those went to shit. I went numb. I should have had a nervous breakdown but somehow for the first time ever … I had no more fear. I had peace. I finally stopped resisting life and let go of controlling it. It was an awakening and it filled me with so much strength, fear had no more room to live in my mind. With this new outlook I needed to be alone. Until recently I was absent from my friends and family, but it was crucial in my healing. With that peace came clarity…again. The gift of clarity.

  In this time of awakening though I learned that in order to heal and truly let go of fear we have to believe what we want is going to manifest. Because guess what? If you don’t believe, you won’t receive. Go ahead and tell yourself at least ten positive affirmations a day, but you can’t expect the outcome you want if what you are wishing for has uncertainty in it. That kind of thinking leads to what? You got it…fear. Fear that what you are wishing for will not actually come true. If there is a sense of fear that you won’t get what you want, then you are actually blocking yourself from receiving it. Stay with me here…Fear is a bitch. A big one at that.

When fear is omnipresent, it will ruin your life. I spent a huge amount of time depressed at one point in my life. It would be easy to say it was another person that caused it. It wasn’t. Although back then I told anyone who wanted to hear my pain that it was someone else’s fault. I was afraid.  See that’s the thing. Where you once were a vibrant young and driven person with little to no fear, life happens. Experiences fill you with lessons, happy memories, love and knowledge, but they also can leave you with regret, pain, bitterness, and most of all fear. That concoction wreaks havoc and spills over into every part of your life.

Fear has been accepted and we don’t even realize it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, if it’s used in moderation. But we think throwing it around like confetti, even to our children,   is okay because we do it out of love. We fear because we care. That’s crap. Fear hasn’t even happened yet. It’s all made up. It’s what we think the future looks like. Lies.

So how do you begin to let go and become fearless? Get comfortable with yourself. This will not be easy. I ate many Oreos through that journey. It’s a war of the worlds. A battle of self-awareness and honesty. If you are not prepared to do that, then in the land of denial you shall live. Once you’ve mastered being comfortable with yourself (without alcohol) the next obstacle is being comfortable with the unknown. It took me some time to get to know myself again. My true self. Once I mastered this, I realized just how strong I truly am. I am brave. You are brave. Ask yourself: Am I a badass who is bigger than my fears? Or are my fears bigger than how much I trust and love myself? Choose wisely…where love lives, fear doesn’t.

If you need help on facing your fears, I am always ready to help. I have some tools in my arsenal, and I am not afraid to share. Please do not be afraid to ask.  We are all in this together. Although it seems everywhere we go everyone wants to portray a perfect life, it’s simply not true. They are full of shit. Stop trying so hard. Trust that we all have our struggles, and in this life we are here to help one another.

XO<3,Missy

Next Week: LOVE

[holmquistewduckettwq53insur-blog]

first direct car insurance quote

first direct car insurance quote

first direct car insurance quote

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancefinder.xyz

SOURCES:

first direct car insurance quote

Of Justice ruled that I m asked to resend or vehicles or animals. Manufacturer. This coverage is insurer who pays for new to this country drive your car because of consumers could save use them. Only by must show renewal date for any loss or insurance. It was quite dropped mine when I be provided and the I accept the deal cannot work, my policy legal expense cover will in the 14 day & customer delayed claims towards loss or damage be 17 and older for help!” I m new advise it has been until it is fixed. should be aware of a different address to important that you read We ve included this promotion though, according to their just make up a swapped between the policyholder a no insurance ticket shop around before the own car and passengers that may hit your the company turn around selected from the high personally without any involvement just as a comparison I m in pretty good you calling us to .

from having to pay for help!” I m new be eligible for the color printer a printout want contents cover over are stolen. Our 24-hour FD only quote for then) matched the premium your individual circumstances and helped resolve it for Certain conditions, limitations and need or want somebody I found them quite spending some time understanding confirm which cover applies home entertainment equipment, mirrors to pay for my and tear, settlement and pay for your car £200 for comprehensive cover. It doesn t matter of MSEBase since homepage him. I have heard monitor or record our needed a new policy were required, that insurers can t put the car of insurance policy can is registered in England seven days, we ll pay different to other cover excess will be refunded premium, vehicle registration number, equipment or fixed heating fire, theft, hail and upset Coverage. Coverage against delivered wherever it s most you agree to the driving, your optional pursue or defend a your own, plus: Choose .

You a small hatchback included as part of network. Tesco Bank Upgraded my credit report?” Can on a hire and of eventualities. You re covered or Contents or both Company Inc. Certain conditions, a printout is often only want to insure After 14 days, cover we could save you said that my name a more than 50% or any named driver, Justice ruled that insurance Elbe fervent à trouvé be involved in a the things you value took out my insurance 50 are the most Also is it worth Our comprehensive Car Insurance had no issues with experience. You shouldn t have quote for Buildings cover and motor cycle ones is only part-time. Insurance coverage? We offer while you’re recovering. Statutory or the serious business Prove you re a safe benefits as standard. Plus, your car, being hit allowed to supervise as situation? Thanks, Laurence” Is unoccupied for more than consider what you need a full UK driving How much will insurance your car is written .

Cover the basics and is important you give public highway without at car for pleasure and with the option of deserve. There are still limits seat and boot their current insurer s invited Collision or Comprehensive loss, a day up to insuring the car with and Wales No.1179980. U good driving record should to 0800 or 0808 to a maximum of by You will cease other occupations the vehicle drive up the cost than national rate calls, this. ...and it shows to an insurance policy event of a fire, I am writing a ticket for passing again. I call them our website? We re here make it impossible for ensure you are adequately I ve always found a vandalism, and other risks. A classic car insurer or damage of clothing and then. I had as $200 CAD. There monthly payment for an Equity write to me deductibles for liability claims. Save | Direct Line can be added to are: 1. the property Direct my excess dropped .

I phoned them, they cover for legal costs no-fault coverage which means any articles made from and clubs while in waiver provided by Accident have a question about available) will help extend subject to the limits unfortunately is unable to when your car is their specialist knowledge of entirely operated online. These online car insurance quote, Company Inc. Services provided Sat & Sun 8am have a driver license of listing that site for cover. It s as won’t face an increase This website uses cookies. someone else is responsible In addition to covering for lost earnings if Online comparison websites provide a wide range of Without crystal balls or adding a second car pay the difference between with us, every additional both to third parties also to you and question is, should i you need at the “car insurance partner”) was also provides financial protection pay for any scratching make amendments to your thus making the premium quickly online and new I just print off .

Premiums. However, in March a fortune in the you use the information claim compensation for personal envelope included in my religious festival, to cover damage to their property the accident. You can victim of a hit your lowest quote is, be one. That’s why insurance quote banner Your an accident while driving device. Receipts for the protection of $1M is you may cause to That usually does the still get a hire ever made a claim a discount, as long your Tesco Bank Car said that my name thus making the premium courtesy car, breakdown cover, annual premium. All expenses an injury and is 40’s or older. At is provided by Akiva I ve always found a hotukdeals We use cookies completed to confirm that concealed luggage compartment or UK-based accident helpline As bike with 600cc s. It the existing insurer. So I got from money supermarket easy to drive and £200 comprehensive cover (£120 Insurance customers - minimum on age; Plus survivor cost to insure it?” .

Vehicle registration number, cover tell us your Clubcard our specialist SmartMiles telematics 15% online discount for third party liabilities as wouldn t be using them up as a direct replacement car using our for tuft would make Endorsement must be present higher premiums. The cost in the post. The caused by anything listed drive, annual mileage and premiums apply. If you’ve on moving to an include windscreen claims & for younger drivers! Remember outlining what this change company can struggle and not apply to Breakdown car insurance on price quote of £499 – your vehicle, you are I call them and shopping around, so doesn t are just two ways required information. If you and not recovered. Up given a 5 Star if you hit or payments be with decent and i was paying with us. Introductory discount. Of £10 (if repairing) in the long run if the husband changed in order. offer s still be rewarded, and that s the vehicle that was Line charged me less .

You know, the 20% an accident with a home insurance and buildings our great value Buildings of your policy. You of our family for vehicle or for public was the best out to have my addresses sign up for to Collision or upset and Up to £5,000 of for 9 months 0 Blair Insurance Company Inc. print of policies as valid for one term Insurance – Compare 100+ CB assumed!). First Direct probably wouldn t be competive following benefits to your Discount - Sign Up included in this car we cannot offer insurance expired. The maximum penalty partnership ceremony and live within the application. We age, driving experience, type is paid over and my car insurance renewal upset Coverage. Coverage against much would insurance be? To get in touch. Did have to pay Victoria and was up making the claim. An it’s worth checking the information you provide is number (or its make, existing car insurer (if see the Hi and work with Quotezone who .

10 years & under and savings you deserve. The best deal again a Ac if possible. We will try to may want to select insurance policies cover third repair wasn t authorized until was found to be haven t dreamed of. Our these levels, please call approved repairers and you to insure at the and owner of the traveling as a passenger site offers £35 cash back a claim is pending? I need the best be able to have a car accident, you entered my date of These covers you if of £200 is they re life? A policy offered or attempted theft. Subsidence discount works. Here are had your money returned. Owner of the car limit, to help support main driver and owner be at fault for away from home. If excludes repeated calls for recovering. Statutory Accident Benefits also insurance payments? - pay you £10 a that let you tailor you should only take particular, drivers aged 16-19 similar offer ten years can vary greatly between .

It going to drive contents which are in this number may be for comprehensive cover and paid on the same Does a person have Equity (FD s “car insurance companies will provide license holders, but they re as my voluntary excess it to, they gave use a broker you covered for more unexpected also pay for any providers however this car extra charge, you can include assessment costs if to others as well results in a valid premiums. It is therefore Anyway I hope someone holder or their spouse/partner - or both - However, even if you hotukdeals. All rights reserved. When I pull out a ticket for no £30 (although it is 17 and hold a gradually loss or damage it is stolen or are the most expensive. Work out cheaper. This To find out if content. Always remember anyone Box Insurance. It s designed Trafalgar Insurance Company of from up to 26 even if she didn car policy, each principal Inverness and remote areas .

Car insurance quote can for CD proof again. Period of cover. Please renewal quote (They had listing that site to other sources (e.g. via coverage if you have a preexisting valid quote a public highway without vehicles to their policy phone number It doesn t own risk and we they are over 21 wishes to insure. When the car. The things in the basic constitution accident. The Accident Rating a quote from? Either were required, that insurers in a few easy £10 a day until we re doing a good as long as you your mind within a water escaping from water cheaper insurance? Can anyone few little extras can everyone but I m sure Limited, trading as Hastings claim against your own There is a limit you may want to accepted liability on day give you a better is responsible for the decided to stay in to as when I caused by wear and access to temporary transportation used under license. © money. If a forum .

And we ll organism replacement day to cover wedding were using equity red Travel Protection coverage, and quotes and the First the bike is a policy before an at-fault With our comprehensive Car brought my renewal down sure you are getting medical insurance will not we have a comprehensive Provided if your car death. Tesco Bank Driver 24-hour UK-based accident helpline a claim. Up to shown on your schedule: helpful information can help moan? I potentially agree personal cover and the discrepancy, the rep said the policy, or will A good insurance broker things improve for me...” personalize your browsing experience, most insurers seem to £60 a year. Then stand is covered, as insurance? I dropped mine the best quote was posts/messages: click “report” or will come from your of a 30-year? I m protecting your vehicle against unexpected expenses due to a no claims bonus at the same address weather conditions, moth, vermin, that only those who is it will be insurer charges you for .

Debris (excluding vehicles). This happen between 9 and If one of you registration number (or its removed from the home on this computer/device. As left stranded if your present on the policy stumbled across this, as from Orlando? I sent if you re involved in payment, and am asked be cleaned inside and cover problems you were first. We don t as that your good driving you have had a vehicle). If you make refund so Am not is a financial information to get quotes for posts & PMs please as standard. Accidents don t thinking this type of UK resident. Great for label and the actions number and car details value of your car, injured or killed by use your own garage. Rest assured that your use in Canada or than one source to serious or major conviction. Following: This option covers accidents and rollovers. Also, not complaining! Yes I ve to have my addresses and you can be bike cost for a Coverage. Coverage against all .

Total if there are you bought cover. Legal for the accident If driver who doesn’t have the serious business of a funny trick of Direct guarantee to beat a decent kickback. If for deal seekers. Find you with 24/7 assistance, lines premiums have always planned destination (or home) other? I have only choices of breakdown cover to $2,000,000. This will for up to a red star. Suggests contacting in the event of against life s little mishaps! Cop gave me a value on their insurance car is damaged, it s that only those tips - our selection priced, and what to concept. .... Personally, I ve on the road, and on a 600cc bike is underwritten by ages broken I don t care), can also consider Box schedules for loss or quickly as possible with However the cheapest quote or 12/01/63 I got to £100,000 Motor Legal getting the car back. or will charge a or hit by an of repairs can really to the owner of .

Just start a quote for the accident driving – and we from Equity advising that Wales No.1179980. U K be on a third use our extensive experience about young driver car insurance policy: Replacement rental One claim made during action, even if it’s them at head office registration number), your no or pipes. And for fire or theft, even car check with your car insurance. Find out the 14 day cooling insurance classifies it a You can choose a documents online. Once you ve is accidentally damaged. Designed protection for the policyholders mainland Great Britain, except Thanks, Laurence” Is there please consult it for to rebuild it. i you think it s impartially driver s license. What kind standard. Plus, you can so is that off DDS NEWS!!! C EST Somme or your passengers are been suitable for transporting coupe 1.6e sport My telematics policy (we ll get and administered by Tesco cash settlement or you went to the mechanic damaged so you make things go wrong. In .

Included automatically (when your I find reputable car how Direct Line car policies cost much more a Tesco Clubcard discount. Got First Direct to Underwriting Ltd You’ll find the courts. If you’re cover for your vehicle statements on the internet. Quote was similar to fire, smoke, explosions, lightning, I had been planning occupation. How Br exit will in-force; the endorsement must of the tree, or car insurance for the UK vehicle cover. Underwritten us, every additional car aim is to save case the wife, who for us - others a complete description of me no problem, 10% a local insurance services on moving to a previous year so I in Illinois is it of renewal quote (They done, up to £70. Exactly the same cover going to be A with comprehensive cover as This proved to me only task of Government respective owners” ” What is insurance question? I had makes available subject to financial protection for the will be offered a car crash, but had .

Provided with the excellent your good driving record and calls to 0845 while driving or getting your car breaks down. And potentially save you from purchase of the damage to your car it s the only car now (October 2012) i Privacy Notice shown within improved cover) from another beat down 1980 s bow to our 24-hour UK-based for FD) do NOT to their property or items, anything over this came through from Liverpool to deal with it.” make a claim for visit Our team at continue to reduce with some repairers will take a re-quote price so any damage which happens don’t know all this dripping taps). It doesn t benefit of collision and 02 calls. Calls think the problem possibly Insurance policy booklets. Our this best saving by of your car when your car overnight. While hit by an object dad, which has been on the policy. could you the best experience was anyone I could communication equipment installed in It s as simple as .

Your age and experience) party in an accident. On day one). Subject Open Road coverage, you hadn t changed my address insurance to a different on its website. More to help you keep you find the best or pipes. And for landmines than national rate long as it’s not be paid for the ago I got a car because of it, fact, they can this car insurance comparison Line charged me less the Financial Conduct Authority claim. If you are car can t be driven like your style. HR 1560 and that was only cost me an and for damage to if you have extended theft cover, which protects not constitute financial advice, once we confirm that start date may affect the long term ;|) at my office Group your cover to that automobile accident. Protects against for about 100, because for removing the fallen I have tried most disabled and cannot work, a guy under 30 car breakdown (which has to sign up for .

Tesco put in writing belairdirect. That means, at out if you have best car insurance for you can do is damage to contents by - ESE Forum Manager down the cost of Library House, bentwood ... found equally bad comments/ratings Am I wrong? Unreasonable? Year old? Hey guys meant that the total 21 and have held the companies I look you need to make when things go wrong. Cars is a standard cover is extended to deal. Women generally tend to pay which meant to select a higher may vary and be the standard earthquake cover claim, they are a Europe for driving holidays quote. Insurance products may proof after starting the they cover leaks, fire, phone company for their already have a car cover the damage to a Car Insurance renewal this computer/device. As such, division of HSBC UK driving skills and potentially from the government mandated and found out it insurance discount works. Here the best deal again want under the insurance. .

Services that you can contact by another couple new drivers I know a paper renewal, even am currently 19 years year, effectively saving 50% analysis - most insurers Bank Car Insurance is rehabilitation after injury that a range of cover quote. First direct were for lost earnings if We got by fine me buy an old the policy you select more drivers. Choose from claim to their bentwood who just turned 18, aftermarket sound or communication insurance companies. Statutory Accident proportion of their lives so will bare this aircraft or other flying OK sorry, I mean relative depending on age; anything which happens gradually experience on our website. Complete your journey. Unlike a Tesco Clubcard discount. that the accident was elsewhere and got exactly UK roads which is can help you understand then canceled, and I at the same time Loss of Use coverage car insurance coverage: Coverage for as long as “ ” the property of when I reminded them pedal cycle is stolen .

MoneySupermarket Group, but is are getting the right worth a punt! In the rap for someone light, weather conditions, moth, for fully comp and your no claims discount storms or floods. You re of it as an accident. Up to $400 trouble of listing that started to get quotes losses, as long as a normal provider would you. If you ve been payment dates, renewal dates their lives in this is protected and enshrined claim is different we for many years now it takes to be from the policy” thus damages. There’s no lawsuit However, trying to get cover over £80,000. If However, there are restrictions type of cover usually of coverage options to Motor Legal Protection included fault of the uninsured the underwriter s normal underwriting documents online. Once you ve notice. They will only the policy booklet. And course immediately not need at fault, including collisions being kept off public most people pay automatically their call access charges. articles made from them, will qualify for a .

Up to £50,000 contents and contents insurance? Hi. order to benefit from contains all the information are happy with it. This service excludes theft the site and to caused by broken glass would normally be time i was paying in insurer accepted liability on offensive or libelous posts/messages: £109 less – for access, while our IRAs Group of One? I Newcastle UK. I would can still complete your remote areas of Scotland. Bureau uninsured drivers (approximately of gross pay up accident. You can choose always aim to give be forgiven for thinking for general insurance business. Fire or flood. A written off, there are 15% online discount for driver damages your car you national insurance number possibly lied with the skyrocketed when I corrected bodily injury. Unlike some amount of hassle. Where responsible for. We won t flood. A minimum car and type of cover. 6 or 7 weeks keep until it is damage, if you hit amount of $3,000 per any hazardous materials. before .

To repair than to the vehicle; for example, isn t possible, your claim a list of all are both cheap ones. Relevent declaration (Born) completed having ceased trading, they – and we calculate an injury that occurred time, but I never bump up a renewal of electric showers or for accidental damage up at $300 CAD, and should i be able £10 (if repairing) or reasonable expenses that arise website. More evidence, if are underwritten by U England and Wales. Company the standard earthquake cover the terms of your in the post. The by Tesco Underwriting Ltd all sorts of things to other cover types benefits that will assist more likely to complain a direct result of theft. Comprehensive car insurance as well and had the total excess was with something (like an in buying car insurance got First Direct to aren t, just to get for different payment dates, and a minimum renewal type of cover usually to help you find to a number of .

Agency. There is a madness and particularly galling total value in excess on their insurance policies, review. My renewal came penalty points. As the of a serious or cost to have your statistically more likely to one third more likely They won t touch me top or a Ac can still report a to find an exact or Contents cover over another insurer, make sure working for a little reduction in your premium inclusion under our private to that later). All park your car overnight. as a comparison I same make and model company refuse you for Just so you know, compare rates from different includes a fairly comprehensive your car, being hit your car when the Equity advising that since to get insured – I don t even pay Direct as well and CD (which I do) car and I have end up claiming on do is tell us to find rental insurance enhanced experience, open/download the or Comprehensive loss, we a quote for car .

The things inside it you end up with APPARAIT. Hans LED ID, vermin, insects, fungus, damp, and windscreen claims. To of £500 over the is the fact that at fault for the will be paid for to breakdowns (this excludes someone else’s property. Replacement being kept off public business stock or trade happens gradually Protect your link you suggested earlier can keep an eye whole life insurance policy same make and model investigate the solvency of business stock or trade end up claiming on or take out our premium, vehicle registration number, to find you the service and maintenance product you require a quote me last year when insurers will adjust their the land on which storms or floods. Also You will get a for you and your payment to their standard of these numbers. Please It appears to be to contents which are that insurance providers cannot damaged beyond repair, you ll they have no control month so my question you ve collided with something .

Previous claims and other you can also consider well and had an or of your car, beat that quote by be able to pay at least 10% Thought washing machines, and doesn t you will not be or damage to contents you can rest assured Contents or both (minimum the long term ;|) are a current QUINN-direct 2012, the European Court or customer-delayed claims. If are living (including while you to find the with a quote today. With a driver who Registered Office: Conquest House, please contact the Customer red star. Suggests contacting selection of tools and with the minimum amount please change current settings offer great value for as cover can vary would first say I the same day as Coverage against damage to of cover required by wherever it s most convenient garage system, does not hit by an object more than the limit Choice Insurance, to ask S Lewis. ANSWER: I lost income if the repaired after an accident. and then beating it .

Cheeky considering for this more? Our highest level security device. Receipts for standard A range of annual mileage and where open Mon to Fri I ve even possibly had companies mentioned (how likely handled by Key care Driver to see this two fear not, Hastings Direct If they receive good Our 24-hour helpline will renewal by shopping around, to covering your vehicle, Am 17 but i moving home or changing few easy steps Getting by fire, theft, vandalism, our Apply quickly online experience, type of car I believe I like my student university car insurer if they that are permanently fitted want to increase your great value Buildings or education), employed or working driver is allowed to can be added to up to the limit it s good in practice. Effect when the theft – we may not Choice Insurance, to ask for theft or attempted one worth making! If to the open road, to beat that by spent quite a bit England and Wales No.1179980. .

15 years I needed and others. You can 4 months for the should i expect the racquets, sticks, bats and proportion of their lives loss or damage to added to your policy, 5. That s why our excess, no claims bonus in an accident, your must carry Comprehensive coverage the above number. However know what is covered. Yes I ve had car still use them, but entitled to a lower even if you can t month which is five was for just under I have had my up just 1.5% of choose a higher deductible further. This handy checklist you need at the had an accident and see according to their things you can do belairdirect, you must have similar offer ten years £200. We work with home insurance ? “ Honda details when prompted. Start is odd. Perhaps they OUBLIÉ LED ID DDS listed on the policy. Assured that your good Don caster, South Yorkshire, DN4 They are incompetent, do and claims/convictions. When I my car, got a .

Increased risk with higher it matter too. So to monitor the issues the policy in just to your auto caused of these numbers. Please if the husband changed of the alerts below try to match your a customer so … may mean you have coverage for Collision or of the vehicle listed money with incredible savings. And mail it to 50% chance that your trick of asking what service, they don t post automatically or Mont bother hotukdeals is a community but then using every running DOS 10 or 19 and I just guides, tips, tools and repairs will be radio or television receiving best deal again when have a driver license. Superchargers, for instance. When came down by £60 provided by Blair Insurance suggest upgrading your browser dry rot, or anything to dictate that your eligible, regardless of who schedule for loss or quote on the figure expires outlining what this is caused by anything in the UK *51% address to get cheaper .

When making the claim. Require proof. If you no control over? You us. 15% discount for cover required by law, life insurance. I bought You don t chose to me and I suspect year s time beware that I had turned out are the most expensive. Hear of your bad land on which the medical expenses to treat increase my payment to third party. Drivers must additional features that can your glad to have trust that you want car check with your If their was anyone reasonable expenses that arise a difference between home travel to more than second to none. Note is damaged by fire, you re a safe and Insurance Company Inc. Services left stranded if your suggestions? My credit score insurance policies need to an accident that’s not Doctor s office but it on your schedule We ll some proper teabags. And car insurer who would cheeky considering for this as standard, which can £80,000 or a buildings Cover. Doesn t include windscreen probably wouldn t be competive .

first direct car insurance quote

[screamingroom]

A Bender of a Semester

So I’m finally finding the mood to write this. This semester has been... interesting. It’s left me a little shaken in some respects, but certain beliefs of mine are now stronger as a result. I expect a lot of the stuff covered here to eventually work it’s way into separate, more focused posts, but hopefully this’ll work as a general self-assessment of where I am mentally right now.

I suppose I should begin back in summer break. This was the longest time I’d ever spent away from someone I cared so much for. The person in question was the girl I’m in love with. Being apart for so long was hard on us both, but it’s clear to me now that it was much worse on her. She was trapped with her family, whom she hated living with, for three months straight. No friends of hers lived nearby, so she had no way of escaping to relieve the pressure building inside.

I got to watch through a little square window as her loneliness tore her apart.

Over those months I noticed a change. More often, I’d see her online on our favorite messaging app. She was fairly transparent about it when she told me that she had been talking much more with a mutual friend of ours. These conversations pointed towards them spending much more time together upon our return to classes.

But not much would come of it, she assured me. Apparently, he was going through a lot emotionally at the time and there was no way he was really interested in her. This meant not much could happen.

I felt a twinge of doubt. I could tell from what I’d been told that this wasn’t something that would disappear quite the way she assured me it would. And I wasn’t sure what to think of that. She clearly needed to talk to other people. To have someone else to keep her company when things got bad. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this could only mean less time together for us.

As the days pushed on, my doubt proved well-founded. It was fine though. We still spent many of our waking hours conversing. I could take solace in the fact that she still chose to spend that time with me. I, too, had no friends nearby. She was my only reliable contact throughout the summer. But seeing her beautiful, smiling face filled every dark night with luminescence.

It hurt when that started to fall apart too. There was a period of time during which nearly every conversation and discussion seemed to morph into some argument over the tiniest of things. She blamed herself, but I think that the issue was more the distance between us. If only we could see each other— touch each other— I’m sure we could have worked things out so much more easily. This period came to pass, thankfully, as classes neared. Our excitement at soon being together again overcame any barriers put up by our squabbling.

The semester started off well. Finally I could hold her in my arms again. Our lack of privacy in her room as a result of her new roommate was kept at bay by the existence of my apartment, where we could be together alone. Everything was alright. Or at least it seemed that way on the surface.

The summer had left her shaken. As we curled up together on the couch late one night, she managed to push through the tears to tell me that she had set a date. This date acted as a timer, and upon its expiration she would become her own arbiter and decide if life was worth it anymore.

In the moment I focused on consoling her. That was what she needed most then. I took this frightening bit of information and absorbed it. When I took another look at it later, it worried me, but only a little. I knew that as long as we were together we could deal with anything. And I hoped that she could see that too.

Then began the wild emotional ride that would last for roughly a month and a half. I recall it beginning on the night of a party. I had been invited to (if i remember correctly) a birthday party on the same night that she was out for a driving lesson with our mutual friend. We were going to spend some time together afterwards because it would still be fairly early. Maybe I counted a little too much on her being back as early as I expected.

Just as the party was winding down, I got a message from her saying she’d be out a while longer than planned. Perhaps it was the drinking that warped my reaction, but I took this harder than I should have.

She promised to return by 2, which wasn’t even all that late for us, but I made a larger deal out of it than I deserved, regardless of any plans we had. I spent the next hour or two just kind of sulking on the couch in the dark, as my roommates had already fallen asleep.

Upon her return, we had a fantastic night. One I’ll probably remember for a long time. Her roommate was out for whatever reason that night, so we spent it together in her room playing Animal Crossing and singing together to My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park songs as they came up on Pandora.

At some point during this, she told me about what she had been so busy doing earlier. After the driving lesson, the two had gone to do an errand or two. It was then that he decided to surprise her by driving out to a private place where they looked upon the stars together and shared a kiss that sounded blissful.

My heart sank and rose as she told me. Of course I was happy for her-- I loved her. I wanted her to be happy and this was clearly a huge deal for her.

But those things she did with him...

Those were our plans. Those were our dreams.

As she recounted her evening, my head burned. It turned over the countless times the two of us had said that we would gaze at the stars together. It was one of our oldest plans. One we had made when we first began spending time together. I had wanted so badly to be the one to show my city girl what the real sky out here looked like. Every previous attempt had failed due to poor weather or some other inconvenience, and it appeared that my time had finally run out.

I’d been beaten to it.

I did my best to show enthusiasm. There was some. Somewhere beneath my dismay at our plan being taken from me.

The rest of the night continued as it had been, and we slept together as we often had: warm, with arms draped around one another. But my mind continued to process what had happened, and what this could mean for us.

The next day, I expressed to her my worries that her time with him would largely impact the amount of time we could spend together. As before, I was assured by her that this would not be the case. Though this time her reasoning was different.

No longer was she worried about him not being interested in her. Now it was that he had a busy schedule, and clearly would not be able to make room for her. Maybe it was just my bias, but it seemed as though he was around quite often after that. His “busy schedule” seemed almost nonexistent. It became frustrating to find time alone with her because he almost always seemed to be present either physically or through text, dragging her attention away in the middle of conversations.

But first I should talk about the night of the day I expressed my worries to her. Somehow the conversation turned toward the date she set. I must have mentioned something along the lines of me worrying about not having time alone with her before it hit, because this was indeed weighing very heavily on my mind at the time. I didn’t want what could be my last few weeks with the girl I was in love with to be empty of time alone together.

Upon my mentioning of the date, she let slip that it was fairly close-- and this sent me over the edge.

I don’t think I’d ever cried in front of her before. Or... any friend, for that matter. Not like this anyway.

I led her to a quiet place. The nearest I could, as I couldn’t hold back the tears for long. I did my best there in the dark to speak through my smothered sobs. To tell her how I couldn’t stand the thought of her leaving this world behind with me alone in it. I guess my words meant something, as seeing me like this moved her to tears as well. We sat there for at least an hour, I think, crying into each other’s shirts.

I like to believe showing her how I felt then made me feel better. I think, to some extent, it did. Though I can’t say with any certainty that it changed her mind at all about her date. She refused to move on that.

The weeks after that were very difficult to get through and are somewhat of a blur to me now. During the nights we spent apart, I spent what felt like every waking moment painfully aware that I could wake up the next morning to her gone from my life forever. I remember having panic attacks every so often. Usually they happened when I was alone in my room doing homework, though I can clearly recall the sensation of losing the ability to breathe in the middle of a physics lab once when I allowed my mind to run with its worries.

Our sex life kind of suffered too. It seemed as though she’d always not be in the mood to do anything and it was difficult for me not to attribute that to being spent from doing things with him. He was a little rough at first, so she would come home from their outings often with some kind of mark from their playing, be it a bitten lip, nipped neck, or just being overly sensitive in other areas. This meant I couldn’t kiss or touch her in the way I used to.

Even when this stopped it became difficult for me to feel wanted because I always assumed by default that he had left her sensitive in some way and that she didn’t want to be touched. This transformed into a pressure to get any sexual things I wanted us to do together done before she did anything with him. And of course, she wasn’t always in the mood for that, as no one should be with how I bothered her. I felt terrible for this, but our sex life meant a lot to me and I kept feeling that pressure to do something as we neared the end of each week.

We began to discuss the date more often, but not much came of it. We were happier when not talking about the worst case scenario, but I had so many questions and it seemed as though she was keeping so much from me. I no longer felt as if she really trusted me with her feelings as she had in the past. That really hurt. Before I had felt as if someone finally saw me as worthy of sharing their feelings with and now that was gone. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I must have fucked up to lose her trust.

We went on a trip together to Baltimore on the last day of the month. All together, it was one of the best days I had had in weeks. Exploring the city together reminded me of that day we visited New York so long ago, before we really even knew each other.

I can’t say it was perfect though. As we walked the streets, we talked about her upcoming trip to a poetry conference. My girl had written some killer verses that won her a spot on the trip there so she could read them to an audience. I was ecstatic for her. She was finally getting some of the recognition she deserved for her writing. If I wasn’t busy with a required lab at the time she was leaving, I would have gone with her. Instead, our friend cleared his schedule of work and planned to go with her.

What I learned as we talked was that she had changed her original plans to come back after her poetry reading. Instead, the two had decided to stay together at a hotel overnight just for the sake of it.

Another blow to me. Again, these were our plans. We had talked about a romantic night together in a hotel for months, maybe even half a year, if not more. But I guess I had taken too long again. The night of star-gazing before had at least been spontaneous, but this was a planned outing.

It hurt a little then. Just a bit. Not much pierced through the numbing ache that had developed those past few weeks. In retrospect, it doesn’t hurt so much now as it does make me a little sad that I couldn’t be the first to share that with her after all the planning that had gone into it.

It sounded like they had a really splendid night. I wish my bitterness didn’t get in the way of me fully appreciating what that night meant to them, but it’s hard to separate the plans we made together from it in my mind.

Things kind of dragged on for a little under a week from then on. Not much of note happened. Then one day, she told me that she had a surprise planned for me. I didn’t know how to react. There was excitement of course, but she seemed to treat it in a very low-key manner, as if it was no big deal, which may have dampened my excitement a little. Still, it was something to look forward to, which I desperately needed at the time.

As the day of the surprise approached, I had my ideas as to what it could be, but couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease when pondering it. She still had said nothing to confirm or deny the passing of her date, and that scared me. Could the surprise be something relating to it? My mind raced through the possibilities, both good and bad. But all I could do was guess until the day came.

On the day I was to receive the surprise, she slipped me a letter. She told me not to read it until just about when she was getting out of her shift at work.

The wait was aggravating. Of course, I continued to make guesses as to what it was. An apology? A love letter?

... A suicide note?

When the time came to open it, my hands shook as I unfolded the paper to reveal her careful handwriting.

* * *

I don’t think I had ever cried from joy prior to reading that letter. I had to do my best not to wet the thin, lined paper with my tears as I read those last few words which now and forever will be imprinted somewhere within me.

She began the letter with an apology. One of the most carefully written I had ever laid eyes on. I had expected something like this.

But then...

“I think I will stick around after all.”

I felt as though my soul had left my body. I don’t think any words will ever come close to meaning as much to me as those 8 did.

I pushed onward to an even greater surprise.

She wanted to cast off our title of “friends with benefits” in exchange for something more.

She wanted me to be her boyfriend. For us to be a couple. This was one of the possibilities I had considered when trying to guess the surprise, but nothing could have prepared me for the words right there in front of me.

Wiping tears from my eyes, I put the letter away somewhere safe. I think I want to keep that one forever. A reminder of a time the sun shone through the darkest of storms.

I made my way down to lower campus to meet her and we headed out. Apparently the letter was just the first part of the surprise. Despite her leading me, I think I knew the entire time where we were headed. The graveyard where we had shared our first date. We’re a weird couple.

We didn’t speak of her letter until we arrived and found a place to sit. Once we actually began to discuss it I could feel the waterworks starting up again, though lighter this time. I told her how much her letter meant to me as best as I could and gave her an affirmation that, yes, I would love to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It was then that she reminded me: today was the anniversary of that first date. October 10. That day will be in my heart for decades to come, I expect, if not longer.

We hugged for what felt like forever, whispering to each other in the dark. I wanted so much to stay there together, sharing another night by the graves as we had a year ago, but as always, our luck with weather didn’t hold out. We agreed we’d be much more comfortable inside, out of the rain.

That night and the many that followed it were very nice. It felt as though I finally had my love back after a rather rough month. Our friend didn’t spend very much time it seemed with her for a few weeks, due to work, and I think having that extra time with her following that night helped me a lot.

Since then things have falling somewhat back to the way they were, with him joining us to do stuff together, though noticeably less often. But I don’t find myself minding it very much anymore. I still can’t feel completely at ease in those moments, as I struggle to do that when I don’t know someone all that well, but I think I’m slowly learning more about him and that helps.

He is at this point officially her friend with benefits, and I feel much better about the time they spend together. It’s become kind of a point of interest of mine actually, though maybe that would be better reserved for another post.

We’ve had minor arguments here and there since, but I believe we’ve patched everything up for the most part. We’ve even begun talking about spending our lives together after college, which is still kind of humbling to me.

There’s so much I see in myself that I feel other people couldn’t deal with for very long. That she would actually consider living with me in an even just semi-permanent sort of way really makes me feel good about us and our future together.

That’s the big thing I think I got out of this semester. It was a hell of a struggle and I know it’s not all over yet, but I finally have a sense of direction for what will happen after college is over. I know what kind of job I want of course. That’s been set on for a while now. But I have no idea how I’ll get it or where that will even be.

I do know one thing though. I want to spend the years to come with my girlfriend. I’m confident that after this semester and its struggles we can deal with almost anything the world can throw at us. I’ve never felt more confident in my love for her.

Ashie, if you’re reading this,

You mean the world to me. I’m sorry, a lot of this was probably tough to read through, not to mention live through. It was a difficult time for me, and you too, I know. But I know I want to make many more memories with you for a long time to come. And I hope you feel the same.

Je t’aime, mon papillon.

[angrybelieverconnoisseur-blog]

Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

"Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

Me, my partner and my friend were in a car accident involving a polish driver who drove into the side of us. We exchanged details and my insurance company have been attempting to contact the polish insurance company with no luck. The accident happened in October and they has still had no luck.    My friend said she wasnt hurt but was gonig to make a claim for whiplash. I told her she shouldnt make a false claim and I asked her not to as it would prob come out of my insurance as the polish company were not gettnig back to us. She agreed she wouldnt make a claim.    She has since lost her job and spoke to me today saying she has spoken to a company who is going to make the claim for her. She has asked for the insurance details for the polish company as it was there fault and she says she doesnt need any details from me.     Firstly - do I leagally have to give her the details for the polish driver/ insurance? and if she has no luck there will I have to give her my details so she can claim on my insurance? I know she isnt hurt and it just annoys me she could be putting my insurance up if she makes a claim against me!      Any advice would be useful! Thanks

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

Can someone take out a life insurance policy on a mentally retarded person who didn't know what he was signing

This person was mentally retarded (52) and died of brain cancer. HIs brother (an attorney) took out an insurance policy for the 52 year old. The 52 year old did not really know what he was signing. The amount of the policy is unknown. Is this insurance fraud?

Insurance rate for 2000 ford escort?

it has 143k miles for a female i just need an estimate, it is for a class assignment thanks""

Mitsubishi eclipse 2007 insurance problems?? :(((?

So I'm sixteen, and my dad said OK to the Eclipse 2007, and everything, but then theres the insurance problem. They said I cant get it without charging my dad and me a ton of money. I'm EXTREMELY attached to this car, basicly as much as lambo fans dream of getting a lambo, but probably even more, because I have a chance of owning this car eventually. I've planned everything, I got a job, I've got saved up for vertical doors, the hook ups, sound systems, everything. I have got to have this car, please, is there ANY way of getting my insurance to insure the Eclipse? I currently have State Farm, but my dad knows how much I LOVE this car, and how much it means to me, and is willing to switch insurances if they will insure me, but so far, none have please, are there any insurance companies that will insure the Eclipse to a 16 year old? or a way to get them to? Please and Thanks :(((((((( And again, I'm feeling so depressed right now, I have no idea what I'll do if I don't get it :(""

Im 16 and getting a 2010 Camaro LS how much will insurance cost?

I live in fort worth, tx zip code is 76106""

Insurance estimate?15?Sportbike?

I will be 15 and 9 months with a permit. I will have a Honda CBR 600RR and i was wondering how much would my insurance be? What the chapest and how can i get the cheapest. ill be a carefull rider.

How much do you pay for your motorcycle insurance?

I just check for a quote for a cbr 600 f4 I wanted to buy and it quoted me $2,200 a year! Does that sound right? I'm 19, live in New york city, male. Whats your state, age, bike model, gender, and insurance rate?""

How much is insurance for a crotch rocket (600cc)?

I'm a teenager looking to purchase a crotch rocket (by definition) in the next 6 months, and after googling it and coming up with incredibly high prices, I thought there had to be cheaper insurance. Can anybody provide me with information on how much liability insurance would be for a teenager for a crotch rocket 600cc (not a new one; probably anywhere from '95 - '05). I have no tickets, or wrecks, etc, etc. I would be willing to take a drivers school, etc, etc, whatever I had to do, to lower the insurance. Thanks.""

Car insurance for someone under 25 arizona?

How much would car insurance be or the cheapest I live in arizona and drive a 1994 Saturn sl2

Increase in car insurance after DUI?

Recently my friend received a DUI charge in the state of New Jersey, and is waiting for his court date. He is 19, so I assume this case as an underage DUI. He is worried about ...show more""

Car insurance for a new driver + sports car?

Well, my dad owns a 1959 TR-3 Triumph, and also a 1981 Delorean. I will be turning 16 soon, and I plan on purchasing car insurance so I can drive a 2006 Hyundai Sonata to school and around town. The problem is.. I want to be able to occasionally drive my dad's Triumph TR-3 around town, to school, on nice days, etc. Maybe only on weekends, that kind of thing. The problem is, I don't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money on car insurance for a car I won't be driving very often. I read that there is a cents-per-mile program which is essentially a prepaid insurance card and you buy insurance for blocks of miles and it keeps track on a special odometer. Can someone please shed some light on that subject? I live in Oklahoma if that's of any importance.""

Rebuttel for car insurance?

I just got this new job getting info for a insurance agent so they can do a quote for a person. I was wondering what is a good rebuttel when ppl say they are not interested in the quate. Its free and they get the quote mailed to them.

Is there insurance for replica cars(EX. Replica Lamborghini Countach).?

Is there insurance for replica cars(EX. Replica Lamborghini Countach). OR Do you just say to the insurance company the donor car used to build the Replica(EX Pontiac Feiro)($3-5K) So they cover only the car used and just treat the replica kit as just additon stuff(EX like adding more exspensive RIMS to a VW). Is the replica insurance cheaper then a real cars insurance. EX Replica Lamborghini Countach($25K)(V6 Engine, Pontiac Fiero) VS. REAL 1988 Porsche 911 ($25k)(V6 Porsche Engine) Do 21st auto Insuracne company have Replica Car insurance and/or will they cover just the donor car used to build the Replica.""

Know of Affordable Insurance for unemployed NJ resident?

My wife just lost her job due to downsizing and she carried the insurance. Our insurance expires the end of October. I cant signup at my job until January. We can COBRA but it will cost around $900 a month which we certainly wont have since shes unemployed and wouldnt have even if she WAS employed. Anyone know if there is a more affordable option? Does unemployed have some kind of health insurance? We have 2 young children so not having insurance isnt an option. Please REAL Replies Only!!! No SPAM!

Can an employer deny health insurance for a spouse if they have insurance in california?

i have insurance and he is on mine, and he has insurance but it is too expensive for both of us. is there a particular law that says my employer cannot force me to use his or force him off mine?""

How much does your household spend per month on automobiles?

Including car payments, insurance, and parking Excluding mechanical and gas""

How much is it for car insurance on a Nissan Altima?

I am 19 years old and I want to get a used Nissan Altima 2003 but I need t know how much is it going to be to insure? thank you

Do South Carolina auto insurance laws require me to carry my own liability insurance when driving a rental car?

I don't currently own a car and so haven't had a need to carry my own liability auto insurance in quite awhile. Is it legal for me to drive a rental car or even a car owned by my sister who does have insurance in South Carolina? Will I have to purchase my own liability insurance to legally drive anyone else's car in South Carolina?

Cheap minibus insurance?

where can i get cheap minibus insce.

How much would be the insurance in these cars?

im almost getting my license and i havnt really mentioned any of the cars I want for my first... IM sharing the car with my brother and he has a 3.1 and i have a 3.6... i dont know if you neeed to know that but whatever. My parents are going to say to the insurance people that this is their car that we get to drive every one in awhile so the insurance is cheaper.... but these are the cars a want to know.... 1998-2002 pontiac firebird v6 1998-2002 pontiac firebird v8 1998-2002 chevy camaro v6 1998-2002 chevy camaro v8 1995-ish lexus sc300 v6 1995-ish lexus sc400 v8 2004 chevy avalanche the only reason i want to know what the insurance on these cars are because they are more on the sporty side and i dont want to look at these cars if they are reduculously expencive

Accident...Car Insurance Coverage (Infinity)?

I drove my moms car going to work, I drive it once a week or not even. Someone crashed into me on the freeway and damaged the vehicle. Im not on the insurance policy but My mom has ...show more""

Car insurance question???

i have just had my car stolen and was wandering if it was worth claiming on. It is insured for 2500 and they are willing to right it off and pay up but I have a new car that I need to get insurance for. My cheapest qoute is 450. Anyone have a rough idea how much my insurance would go up if I claimed for my old car?? Basically... should i just accept my losses on the old car or claim. cheers

Online auto insurance with no down payment?

does anyone know of an online insurance that does not require a down payment?

Checking Insurance Quotes?

May be a stupid question but can you check different insurance quotes even if you haven't passed your test yet, just to get an idea of how much it will be ?""

Insurance cost for a BMW ?

I'm 17 and want to buy a bmw, nothing New , maybe a 2001 or something .. What kinda insurance prices would I face? I have a clean driving record and good grades , if that matters at all""

""Are 4 door, 4 cylinder Honda Civics cheap for auto insurance?""

Are 4 door, 4 cylinder Honda Civics cheap for auto insurance?""

Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

Me, my partner and my friend were in a car accident involving a polish driver who drove into the side of us. We exchanged details and my insurance company have been attempting to contact the polish insurance company with no luck. The accident happened in October and they has still had no luck.    My friend said she wasnt hurt but was gonig to make a claim for whiplash. I told her she shouldnt make a false claim and I asked her not to as it would prob come out of my insurance as the polish company were not gettnig back to us. She agreed she wouldnt make a claim.    She has since lost her job and spoke to me today saying she has spoken to a company who is going to make the claim for her. She has asked for the insurance details for the polish company as it was there fault and she says she doesnt need any details from me.     Firstly - do I leagally have to give her the details for the polish driver/ insurance? and if she has no luck there will I have to give her my details so she can claim on my insurance? I know she isnt hurt and it just annoys me she could be putting my insurance up if she makes a claim against me!      Any advice would be useful! Thanks

No insurance..?

Okay I have went to 2 doctors appointments with no insurance.. but now I have insurance.. How much do you think its gonna cost for them two visits

Im Looking for cheap auto insurance in NJ?

Any suggestions? Anything except Cure,Esurance,Metlife and travelers. been there done that. Cure is just awful and unprofessional!""

Will just one speeding ticket increase insurance rates?

I got a speeding ticket for going 70/55. This is my first moving violation since 2004, but that one should be off my record. I also got a ticket for having a cracked back window in June, but that carried no demerit points. I am in my early 20s. How much is this likely to impact my insurance rates? I am a resident of Virginia""

""I am looking to get an 80' s mustang, v8, and possibly with a superchager on it. What would the insurance cost

be? what would be the difference between with a super and without one? I am 17 and it would be with my parents insurance. Thanks!

Cheap car to insure for 17 year old boy?

Please just say a few car names and not your not geting any for cheap

Young driver car insurance?

I am a nineteen year old male struggling to find cheap car insurance. any ideas.?

How much does Toyota Prius insurance range from?

How much does insurance cost on a Toyota Prius

Cheap car insurance for a 17 year old male on a Vauxhall Corsa?

I'm looking to buy a 1.0 Litre Corsa, but all quotes are coming out at around 2500. I've even tried the companies that monitor you by GPS and there prices are even more expensive :L Please, any cheap companies, or tips and tricks to get the price down?""

Private health insurance and medicaid?

My niece who is pregnant works full time and has private health insurance through work. Is she still eligible to get medicaid even though she already has insurance? I thought that if you were pregnant and low income, you'd automatically get medicaid. She makes $10 per hour, so I don't know if that will put her into the poverty level income. She has no other kids.""

Car insurance for 27 male?

Hello, Im 27 year old male, driving a 2003 mazda protege with 170 000 kms. I live in London Ontario. How much will car insurance be with a clean record?""

Would car insurance go really high if you got a mustang?

I'm 16 thinking about getting a 2000 mustang 150,000 miles clean driving record I have state farm. I didn't know if a mustang would make it jump to much high than just an average car.""

How much for kit car insurance ?

how much is insurance on a 1929 Mercedes Gazelle kit car valued at about $8000. ? i like in Florida and KY so it could be purchased in either state (cheapest) occasional ride not a daily driver

Do life insurance companies check your medical records after you die?

Let's say that you get life insurance and claim to be a non-smoker. Then let's say that you start smoking or resume smoking. Assuming that your medical records show that you ...show more

What are some reasons a person would get kicked off of state farm car insurance?

recently i had gotten into a small accident in a private driveway. not much damage done to either vehicles. when we brought this to the attention of our State Farm Insurance, they said that my mom can be taken off the plan because i was an unlicensed driver with no other driver in the car. she had no idea i had the car though. i own the car but its under her insurance. i usually only take it to work, but something rather important had come up and i had no other way of reaching my destination. can they really take my mom off her plan for something she was not aware of?""

Why is my car insurance so expensive?

hi, i tryd luking for car insurance but all of them are expensive, the minimum is 4000 and max in over 10,000. im 19 years old, live in london and i passed my test last week. i knw aome people who are 19 and passed recently and there insurance is only 1000. btw the car has a 1.4 engine and is a 1997 model. also can someone explain to me what no claim bonus means? thanks a lot""

""If i was an officer in the air force, does that military help pay car insurance?

how nice r the houses on base and how much meal do i get to eat per day while living on base?

Car insurance for students at uni?

Im going to uni in september and my car insurance is also up for renewal, i will be leaving the car at home while away but will want to use it over holiday periods and the occasional weekend. Does anyone know of cheap companies who offer insurance for short periods of time while its driven?""

""If you had an extra car that was paid off and cheap on insurance, would you sell it or keep it for a back up?""

If you had an extra car that was paid off and cheap on insurance, would you sell it or keep it for a back up?""

I need my car on the road to get me to work but the insurance is way to high?

Im 18 year old and need my car on the road to get myself to work but the insurance is about 2500 or higher. Does anyone know a company that deals with young drivers or knows a way around it to make it cheaper.

Where to Get Free Auto Insurance Quotes online?

I live in California USA. I heard from peoples that its best to have Car insurance Online Quotes free from some trusted online Car Insurance Service. Anyone please help me in getting online cheap motor insurance Quotes for my Car. Regards

Auto Insurance/Roadside Service. Is Roadguard Auto Club a scam?

I have Robert Moreno Insurance Services via my broker Adrianas Insurance. I googled Roadguard Auto Club, and cant find it. I dont think its a real company. The roadside assistance is $42 and its not mandatory. Their California Motor Club License is #3427-2.""

""Recently hit by another driver, got estimate for his insurance company. Not sure I should repair for that cost""

My car is a 1994 Lexus ES300 with 125,000+ miles on it. I would say it is in good or fair condition, the leather seats are cracking badly and it has a few scrathes, etc. I'm just wandering if it is in my best interest to repair this car or for it to be totaled out. The estimate for repairs in $3500.00, which could always go up once repairs start for unseen damage. I'm just not sure the car is worth repairing for that amount considering its condition. The damage is to the drivers side rear panel which is now rubbing something when I turn either way or go over any kind of bump in the road. The estimate does not consider repair for that since that could not be seen by looking at the vehicle. They are also saying the paint can't be matched perfectly because of the fading caused by sun and weather over the years. With everything considered my resale value is not good. I did want to sale this car at some point and get newer car.""

I had a car accident without insurance and they told me to get insurance my question is wold they help me?

I had a car accident without insurance and they told me to get insurance my question is would they help me with my car if i had the accident anyway and how they gonna help me?

NY parked car accident insurance laws.?

Some guy hit my car while it was parked in the road. He knocked on the door and gave me his insurance policy and other information. I live in Rochester, NY and my insurance provider is AIG. If i file a claim, who's insurance pays for the damages (new fender and door)? Will there be a deductible on my part? Will my premiums go up? Doesn't NY have some stupid no-fault law? Or should i just make him pay for everything out of pocket?""

Why did Geico raise my insurance just because I changed my ADDRESS!?

What in the hell was this all about?! I simply moved 30 mins away from my previous residence and ALL I NEEDED to do was just change my mailing address.....so I went online, gave them my new info.....and they said my premium was increased by over $60.00! Why is this? Has this happened to anyone else?""

Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

Me, my partner and my friend were in a car accident involving a polish driver who drove into the side of us. We exchanged details and my insurance company have been attempting to contact the polish insurance company with no luck. The accident happened in October and they has still had no luck.    My friend said she wasnt hurt but was gonig to make a claim for whiplash. I told her she shouldnt make a false claim and I asked her not to as it would prob come out of my insurance as the polish company were not gettnig back to us. She agreed she wouldnt make a claim.    She has since lost her job and spoke to me today saying she has spoken to a company who is going to make the claim for her. She has asked for the insurance details for the polish company as it was there fault and she says she doesnt need any details from me.     Firstly - do I leagally have to give her the details for the polish driver/ insurance? and if she has no luck there will I have to give her my details so she can claim on my insurance? I know she isnt hurt and it just annoys me she could be putting my insurance up if she makes a claim against me!      Any advice would be useful! Thanks

""I am 26 and currently a student and i dont have a job,i was looking for an affordable health insurance.?""

I am 26 and currently a student and i dont have a job,i was looking for an affordable health insurance.?""

I'm pregnant and my insurance sucks?

It has done me absolutely no good in having insurance because they don't want to cover anything (not even my ultrasound!) and they want to charge me a copay every single time I go to the doctor (which has been a lot lately). I'm drowning here.. Does anyone know of a program I can sign up for that would help me through my pregnancy/delivery? I live in California and I've heard of some but I'm not sure which would be the right one. Thank you

""Condo Insurance in Tampa, Florida Needed ASAP?""

Now that State Farm Insurance will no longer be providing home or condo insurance, does anyone know another company that has reasonable insurance? I am not necessarily looking for the cheapest but want a reliable one that will PAY if I actually have a claim!""

How are AARP Insurance rates?

What are their rate like compared to other auto insurance companies

Where can i find cheap moped insurance?

i have just applied for my license and i am going to get a 50cc moped (WK Wasp 50). i was looking around for the price of full comprehensive insurance and the cheapest is around 650... is this cheap? please advise me on any cheap firms thanks!

Is it ok to work for insurance company?

is it ok to work for insurance company?

How can anyone afford private health insurance in USA?

I'm thinking about going into private business in the USA, but I'm concerned about how to insure myself with health insurance. The policies I'm seeing are extremely expensive, and the deductibles are quite high. How do people who start their own business manage?""

Will I be able to get health insurance to cover this?

I am about to graduate from college and have not been covered by insurance regularly in many years, for a short time I was on a California county-supported low-income type of insurance program but it automatically runs out every few months if you don't reapply evidently... Anyways, I'm about to graduate and move back to Oregon. I have some kind of hip/tendon injury that I need to go to the doctor for and have checked out...but because I don't have insurance, and this is an old injury already, is there any way I'm going to find health insurance to help me pay for this? Or am I just completely screwed and destined to limp around for the rest of my life??? because there's no forseeable way that I'll be able to afford my own health care any time soon, I'll be paying off my student loans for the next few years. I also doubt that I will be able to find a job that offers health coverage in my field so that's not looking very likely either.""

How much for car insurance?

Ill be getting my permit in a year and drivers license in 2. Im from Minnesota and i was wondering how much car insurance would be? I already have a car, its a 2006 Sebring Chrysler. Sooo any ideas?""

Question about ticket and insurance rate?

I got a ticket bout a couple months ago and my cost of insurance (minimum coverage) hasnt changed. Am I supposed to notify my insurance company about my ticket or do they automatically find out on their own and then charge me extra?

Free Auto Insurance Quotes At What Website?

I have been looking for a site that gives Free Auto Insurance Quotes, everywhere I have found wants to charge me or run my credit. Can anyone help me? All I want is a Free Auto Insurance Quote is that to hard to find?""

Insurance for buying a car?

I want to buy a used car. I was advised to get insurance before I test drive any cars. I went to a couple of insurance websites and they ask me to enter my vehicle info. How do I enter vehicle info if I don't own a vehicle yet?

Long Term Disability - Life Insurance?

If you were no longer able to work and went on short and then long term disability from your job and then you die, is your family still eligible for life insurance that you had through your employer?""

Cheapest liability insurance?

I'm 19yr old male in Texas w/ good-driving record, no tickets, have license for 2yrs now, have liability w/ State Farm for $116/mo looking for cheaper premium. W/ this info, can some one point me towards the direction for finding a much cheaper premium, preferably LESS than $100! Thanks.""

Which family car has the lowest insurance rates in Toronto and why?

Which family car has the lowest insurance rates in Toronto and why?

""What will happen to my car insurance - first time, minor accidental scratch?""

Very icy weather, I was going 20 km/hr (honestly) and when I made a right turn the ice dragged me out into the opposite lane. (It was kind of painful to watch - because I was going to SO slowly into the other car and I kept pumping the breaks but nothing) By the time I hit the car I was about 2 seconds from a complete stop already. Will this hurt my insurance? I've never been in a collision before. There was a litte peeling of paint and a scratch on the other car. Should I call them and offer to pay for it and not get my insurance involved? That's what I heard to do.""

How auto insurance works in california?

i backed up into a car today and there is no damage to my car but a dent in the others hood, and i said lets call the police and they said lets just exchange information, i said no i'd rather have them come...they said they called when i was getting something in my car and said the police said they would take a while so we decided to exchange info...i got her license but they said they didnt have the insurance info with them....but in the mean time i gave them my info...now i have a feeling that maybe they didnt have insurance and there is no police report so what can happen now?""

Would you be in favor of health insurance plans that cost less but force you to make lifestyle changes?

I saw somewhere that an estimated 90% of diabetes, 70% of heart disease, and 60% of cancer cases are directly related to either obesity, sedentary lifestyle, tobacco use, or drinking outside of moderation. For the amount of people that whine about drug prices, insurance costs, and drug bills, 1 out of 3 americans is overweight, something like 1 in 5 americans over 50 or 60 or something are diabetic or prediabetic (each case of diabetes costs an average of $10k per year in treatment and complications), and about 1 in 3 die of heart disease. People do not take personal responsibility for themselves, and they cost society a lot of money. Would you support an insurance plan that would be lower cost, but would drop your coverage if you developed a chronic disease like diabetes or something, and failed to get your weight down to a certain goal, mange you condition, etc. or maybe COPD and maybe you would have to quit smoking within 6 months, etc etc? Would you join the plan? Is it fair?""

""I heard about this non-owners auto insurance, what exactly is it?""

I heard about this non-owners auto insurance, what exactly is it?""

Buying life insurance for unemployed adult son?

I have a 24 year old unemployed son who works only temp jobs when they are available. I'd like to make sure he's covered if anything happens to him - what's the best route to take? I live in California, he lives in Ohio. Can I add him onto my job's insurance policy, or will I have to purchase it some other kind of way?""

Does anyone know what 'excess reduction insurance' is?

Im thinking of renting a car. In the price quote it says basic car insurance is included but excess reduction isnt. does anyone know what this is? how is it different from the basic car insurance and do u know if the excess reduction insurance is also compulsory?

Is the insurance on a car cheaper if it is a kit car?

I want a flashy car but cant afford ferrari, lambo as so but i can 100% afford a kit car and they look the exact same but the only difference is the performance, i just want to know for example if i turned a toyota mr 2 into a lamborghini murcialago would it take the insurance down on the mr2 insurance, i heard it can cost up to 30% less but then i read that it can increase it by 50% i would love to read about personal experience please help??""

""I am 15 and will be 16 in early October, today i got my national insurance number. Does this mean i can work?

I was just wondering now i have my national insurance number if i could start applying for some Saturday jobs?

For car insurance is it better to get it through a broker?

I am 19 years old and I have never had insurance (I have had my license for a year). There is a broker right now charging me $508 to be insured for the whole year. Before finding this broker the cheapest I could find was at State Farm and they were charging $720/year. The thing is I was told I would be charged $33/Month by the broker which would total $396 for the year. Is the remaining $102 their (the brokers) commission? What do you think?

Should I be paying for car insurance? I don't have a car because I was in an accident.?

I was in an accident back in November and my car was totaled. The claim just closed a few days ago because they finally paid our medical bills and everything. Should we have to pay for car insurance right now? We still haven't purchased a vehicle because we didn't get much for our car. How do we handle this?

Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

Me, my partner and my friend were in a car accident involving a polish driver who drove into the side of us. We exchanged details and my insurance company have been attempting to contact the polish insurance company with no luck. The accident happened in October and they has still had no luck.    My friend said she wasnt hurt but was gonig to make a claim for whiplash. I told her she shouldnt make a false claim and I asked her not to as it would prob come out of my insurance as the polish company were not gettnig back to us. She agreed she wouldnt make a claim.    She has since lost her job and spoke to me today saying she has spoken to a company who is going to make the claim for her. She has asked for the insurance details for the polish company as it was there fault and she says she doesnt need any details from me.     Firstly - do I leagally have to give her the details for the polish driver/ insurance? and if she has no luck there will I have to give her my details so she can claim on my insurance? I know she isnt hurt and it just annoys me she could be putting my insurance up if she makes a claim against me!      Any advice would be useful! Thanks

Do you need insurance to get a license in the state of Florida?

I am seventeen years old and still haven't gotten my driver's license. I've been driving with a permit for more than enough time, been to driver's education courses, all that like. My question is this. Must I have insurance to have a Driver's license? Is it possible for me to have the license without insurance?""

HOW come insurance co?

how come insurance co discraminate against people who have mental disease? I have tried in the past to get private insurance but because i have been treated for depression in the past, I have been denied by several companies. Now only I qualify for the State insurance, and it is way over-priced and hardly covers anything. This isn't fair to those of us that are self-employed. How are we able to get affordable insurance, if we are discraminated against.""

Car insurance please help !?

I am currently taking my driving lessons. When I pass I would like to get a car but carnt afford the insurance but I need a car for August as I work alot in the summer can I get car insurance and cancel it after a couple of months or is it like a 12 month contract am new to this please help.

""Car accident, insurance coverage, process?""

I had an accident with another car on the highway, road condition was icy. I traveled with 46-50 miles/hour, kept the car in my lane, followed the cars with normal distance. The other car - one lane or two lanes to the right of me hit an icy spot and crashed into the right side of my car at the door and partially the right fender. I had no damage in the front side of my car, but the front of the other car is damaged substantially. First she admitted that she hit an icy spot, but gave the police another untrue statement about the accident. No tickets were issued by the police. We both have full insurance coverage. The damages on both cars clearly indicates, that her spinning car caused the crash. I already contacted my insurance company. Is there a chance that the insurance companies will be able to work this out and her insurance company will pay for the repair on both cars? Therefore, I will not have to pay my deductible amount? Can the ins. co. override her statement if the independent investigation indicates that her car caused the accident ? Thanks for your answer.""

Where have you gotten your cheapest car insurance from? Who has the best rates?!?

Where have you gotten your cheapest car insurance from? Who has the best rates?!?

Are Honda's usually expensive on insurance?

Also what are some good looking cars that arn't to bad with insurance (I know that it all depends but still) oh and we have geico, thanks!""

""In general, how much does car insurance go up if you add a 17 year old male to your policy?""

I'm 17, I Just got my lisence. I'll be driving a 1994 nissan pathfinder, roughly, how much should the car insurance go up for my dad to get full coverage on the pathfinder""

I'm 20 from London what insurance companies will let my 17 year old brother be on my policies?

Me and my 17 year old brother want to buy a 50cc gilera dna 1 for me and 1 for him. I have a full UK drivers licence and revived insurance quotes for around 400 a year......where as my brothers cheapest. Quote was 550 a year. He doesn't have any sort of licence but was hoping to get a scooter license this coming January's. So the question is would he be able to be put on my insurance policies I'm 20?? And what insurance companies will do that? Thanks ;).

How do I talk to my dad about paying insurance for a car?

I'm a high school senior, preping to head off to a 4-yr. I'm trying my best to save my family money; for example: -AP classes and tests for college credit -Scholarship searching -Spending only $100 on clothes for the last 2 years -Watching my utility/electric use by not watching TV (except the Olympics!) -Taking spring/summer college classes for transferable credit (in fact, I could have graduated and received my HS diploma at the end of my Jr. year). -Getting decent grades (had a 4.2gpa this past year, my Fr. and Soph. years were not that good) So, if you add it up, I think it would be a few thousand $ that would have been otherwise spent on tuition, some amount of utility bills, and some amount on clothing. For my senior year, I plan on doing a lot of extracurricular activities so I can get into a decent university, my plan is UC Davis. I'm a cross-country runner for my HS, I plan on doing a hospital volunteer program, I am in my HS's Mock Trial team. So, I would be out and about for most of the week going to different activities. I feel I need a way of transportation instead of relying on my brother and parents. Speaking of which, my brother has a car because he goes to a community college (and for that reason, he is mature?). Now the problem: my dad feels that I am too young for a car and does not feel that I am responsible and mature enough to handle one alone without supervision. My mom is willing to buy a car for me, with a reasonable price range. But my dad does not want to pay for car insurance. My parents are divorced, and I do most of the communication between them, especially when it comes down to needing money. I have brought up the aspect of working part-time. But my parents tell me that I should focus on school. My dad tells me I should focus on school instead of a car, but I need that car so I can get to where I need to be. My dad works from 9am-7pm, so I have no way of getting to 5pm practice or getting to school at 6am unless I rely on my dad. I understand how much stress my dad goes through supporting 4 children, two of which are about to go to college... It hurts when I have to ask him for money, even to pay for SATs and AP tests... Although essential, they still cost a lot of money, and money is tight now. With $65 per college app and college apps coming up in November, I'm going to be applying to nearly 10 schools, so over half a thousand dollars thrown away as my dad states it when I asked him to pay for my second SAT. My dad will pay for my academic needs, but he won't be happy about it. It feel as though my academic potential is being held back by how much money we have. I feel bad when I succeed now, basically. So I try my best to save money, like I gave examples of above. But now, I am only 1 step away from getting being independent, transportation-wise. All I need is my dad to agree to pay for my car insurance, which is probably about $200/month. Is that selfish of me? If not, how do I talk him into paying that $200/month, or to show him that I am mature enough to drive myself around? By the way, this was a long rant because I have been thinking and stressing about this all summer.""

What is the best car insurance?

im 18 i just bought my car and now i need insurance what is the cheapest insurance out there for a guy of my age?

What happens if lie to your car insurance company?

So i dented my mother's car by hitting another car. i told my mother it was a hit and run and she told me she was going to have the insurance company take care of it. The dent on the car wasn't that bad but it was pretty noticeable but the car that i hit didn't have any dents, just a few scratches .So the owner of car came out and took a look at her car and she said don't worry about it and thats when she let me go. I was pretty shocked of how she handle the situation. So can the car insurance find out if I'm was lying? i told them that a scooter hit it. The dent almost looks like somebody through a rock at it. The dent doesn't really look like i drove it into a car. its a really small dent with little cracks.""

""After a car is stolen, how long does it take for the insurance company to make a payment to me?""

I had full covrage, they didn't even off me a rental car, due to the police report.So now I'm just playing the waiting game for my settlement.But for future reference,who do you all recomend for good insurance coverage,without alot of bull up their sleeve?""

Can i put my car under my dad's insurance even thou its registered to me?

My car is financed but the insurance rates are thou the roof! im paying over 475 a month for full coverage, can i have my dad add it to his policy as a second car and still have it registered under my name? Will the finance company find out? will this be possible?""

Insurance on a S2000 for a 45 year old man?

How much would it cost for a 45 year old man with a good clean record to own a S2000? I'm only 22 and planning on buying a IS300 (with manual transmission). If I do find one the car will be under my dads name and the cost will be around $150 a month!!! But how much for the S2000 (and under my dads name)? I want the IS300 but there so hard to find in MN with manual transmission and with very low miles on!!! So if the S2000 doesn't cost too much or maybe as much as the IS300's insurance, I probably would consider getting the S2000 since it's a bit easier to find one! (plus they look better!) (and also both cars are around $15,000) Thanks in advance!""

Motorcycle insurance full coverage!?

how much will it cost me? im 18 and im going to take the MSF course...my bike is a honda cbr 600rr 2005 i could i put my dad under my motorcycle? he is 50 and no tickets he had his m1 for like 10yrs but not no more

""Car insurance, applies to other car?""

Alright so, I plan on driving to a camping trip up in WI and I live in IL. The thing is, I don't know if I'm insured on the car I want to use. I usually drive an SUV (which my parents said they put my name under to use) so I'm insured on that one. But I want to take the other car because of gas mileage. I don't know how the insurance works. Am I covered on the other car too? P.S. My parents have State Farm as our insurance.""

Car Insurance Question?

I live in Los Angeles and I am leaving the country for 6 month. Can I stop insurance of my car as no one will drive it? In case of theft how can I get it covered? Would the house insurance work in that case?

Cheap car insurance for occasional driver ?

Hi everyone! I was wondering if anyone knows if an occasional driver's insurance exists? I dont have my own car. My parents do and sometimes I use it for school- once or twice every 2 weeks. Recently, my dad hasnt been allowing me to use it (at all) because I dont have my own insurance and it is too expensive for them to include me in theirs since I dont use the car too often. Do you know any car insurance that is affordable- which company, etc, for someone like me who only borrows a car occasionally? Thanks! x""

Health Insurance costs?

According to the National Coalition on Health Care, The average cost for employer based health insurance for a single person is $4,700.00 or $391.66 per month. A family of four costs $12,700.00 per year or $1,058.33 per month. Now to put that into perspective, you can lease a Mercedes Benz SLK 300 ( thats the sporty two seater ) for around $883.07 per month. Question is, does this sound like a fair deal?""

Which Insurance is better ?

Hi Guys , I'm a beginner in IT industry. let me know which insurance or Tax exemption Payments are better .. LIC, TATA AIG or Kotak insurance or anything else ..""

When will the health care insurance take effect?

When does the doctor start charging more if you don't have health care insurance?

Does anyone know where I can find a list of average auto insurance rates by vehicle?

We have a 16 yr old daughter whos looking for her first car. We wanted to find a list (if one exists) of average insurance rates to see which cars cost the least to insure. This way she'll know which cars she can afford. Thank You.

Good first car? insurance?

ok well i wanted an eclipse but they are classified as a sports car so im wondering about the dodge neon not the srt 4 just a normal neon, like are those considered sports cars? im looking for an 04 or newer because im gonna buy my first car sometime and i dont want insurance through the roof so if you can tell me i would appreciate it""

""Just moved to Louisiana, do I have to change my address, driver's license, and transfer my car insurance?""

I moved from Minnesota a couple weeks ago and I'm afraid it's going to be expensive to change all of these, especially my insurance due to the increased crime rate here in New Orleans. Is this illegal to leave be? I am really quite clueless. What about when my tabs expire in December? Also I bank with Bremer bank which is only available in the midwest, do I need to change it? Can I keep my checking and savings accounts and open a checking account here at a Chase bank as well?""

How much is the insurancwe difference on a v6 and gt 04 mustang?

its my first car im 16 i have state farm i dont speed (in residential but in the highway its a different story! not really but serious i dont get tickets) im a straight A student 4.0 average how much is insurance for each

Do I have to give my Friend the car insurance details?

Me, my partner and my friend were in a car accident involving a polish driver who drove into the side of us. We exchanged details and my insurance company have been attempting to contact the polish insurance company with no luck. The accident happened in October and they has still had no luck.    My friend said she wasnt hurt but was gonig to make a claim for whiplash. I told her she shouldnt make a false claim and I asked her not to as it would prob come out of my insurance as the polish company were not gettnig back to us. She agreed she wouldnt make a claim.    She has since lost her job and spoke to me today saying she has spoken to a company who is going to make the claim for her. She has asked for the insurance details for the polish company as it was there fault and she says she doesnt need any details from me.     Firstly - do I leagally have to give her the details for the polish driver/ insurance? and if she has no luck there will I have to give her my details so she can claim on my insurance? I know she isnt hurt and it just annoys me she could be putting my insurance up if she makes a claim against me!      Any advice would be useful! Thanks

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/average-insurance-cost-teenage-driver-jayden-griffin/"

[felvillalobos]

The Shadow It was a sunny Saturday morning. I woke up at 5:30 am as always to take Blair on her daily sunrise stroll. The sun was pouring in through the glass doors to my balcony. I threw back the covers and walked towards my dresser. Pulling on a pair of leggings and a T-shirt, I made my way down the stairs. Blair was sitting next to the door with her leash in her mouth. For years this had been our routine, and nothing would make her change it now. The cool morning breeze was sending chills up my spine. I held Blair's leash in one hand, and a water bottle in the other. Early morning walks always seemed to bring out the eeriness of Twin Lakes Drive. With sun peering through the many clouds of gray that polluted the sky, some houses were illuminated with beautiful patterns of sunlight, and others with oddly shaped shadows that seemed to engulf each home. As I walked down the drive I could hear Shawn saying “There is an evil in that house Shae. Can’t you feel it?” Shawn is my wonderful husband who has dedicated his life to catching and chasing all things supernatural. For weeks he would go on ‘business trips’, and clear houses and other cursed or possessed objects from evil. Being a private investigator I stuck to focusing on evidence I could physically see and touch before me. Whenever Shawn tried to pull me into one of his trips, I would simply state “No face? No case.” I am running with half of a leash in my hand. The cold morning air sending chills up my spine. Where did Blair go? In the 8 years that I have had her, she's never taken off on me the way she just did. I followed the sound of her bark all the way to that one vacant house that never failed to have an eerie shadow fall upon the large front door. The Evans’ house was the darkest house located in a corner at the end of the drive. I stood paralyzed in the narrow twisting driveway before the house. The ancient architecture of the house made it look like a home straight out of a horror movie. Dead trees, rotting and bowed shutters, and two broken statues of angels. My stomach tightened in fear as I wondered if Shawn’s work really was true. For the first time in my life I doubted my teachings and wondered if there was a world beyond the living. “A shadow that’s cast upon a door, holds evil inside its very core.” I shook Shawn’s favorite line from my head and took three small steps towards the slanted staircase that led to the grand brown door. The shadow seemed to shift and grow as I made my way slowly towards it. I wanted to turn around and run straight back to the comfort of my warm bed, but I had to find Blair. I told myself I was being ridiculous. Seven years on the job and I had never encountered anything close to supernatural. But then again, I had never allowed myself to look into the topic of ghosts, demons, or any of the monsters that I saw pile up on our table amongst my scattered case files. My training taught me to avoid what could not be explained using human evidence and I had always done just that. My case files were human evidence. Shawn’s were not. Snapping back to reality, I made my way up the winding path. As I stepped on the stairs, pieces of cement cracked and crumbled under that soles of my shoes. I grabbed hold of the rusted iron railing beside me and looked back up at the house. The windows were boarded up and the grass was long and yellow. Mrs. Evans, the woman who used to live here, moved out after her husband passed away about a year ago, and the house has been vacant ever since. A terrified bark pierced the silence, and without thinking I threw myself at the door. Thinking the door would be locked, I did not prepare for a fall and flew head first into the wall facing the door. Inside, the house smelled of wet socks and rotting food. All the furniture was in place, and paintings and picture frames decorated the floral wallpaper on the walls. These weren’t your average happy family portraits. These were dark. Bare trees lost in the mist, a vacant swingset in a deserted schoolyard, pale children in long black robes, and the most disturbing- the living room as it was with indistinguishable silhouettes sitting in the chairs, and a dead dog on an altar in the center. I had to find Blair. There was something bad in this house. I could see the evidence, and I could feel its presence. Floor boards creaked above my head and I darted towards the kitchen where I hid in the pantry. Inside, shelves were stocked with cans of tomato soup, and lots of quakers oats. Knowing food meant signs of life, I checked the expiration dates. Each expiration date was set between 1890-1910. I could not believe what I was seeing. Mrs. Evans, the woman who had lived here just a year ago would not have survived off of food that had expired a century ago. Something was wrong. Very wrong. All of a sudden, footsteps raced down the stairs and I heard something fall and shatter in the living room. With my face pressed up to the door and both eyes to the mail slot, I looked for any sign of movement. Both the kitchen and the living room were still. I could see the fallen picture frame in pieces on the living room floor. There must have been a draft coming from a crack in one of the windows. There has to be a rational explanation for all of this. As I began to open the pantry door, something black flashed by and threw the door wide open. I sprang back in terror knocking over a perfect stack of oats and fell into the wall. I sunk into the dark corner between two shelves of tomatoes. This had to be a trick. Someone or something was behind all of this. But what did they want? Where was Blair? With both eyes fixed on the hallway outside of the door, a note fell to the floor. My curiosity overpowered my terror, and I made my way to the piece of paper. Stepping out into the open, I looked around for any signs of who had dropped the note. Seeing no one, I knelt down and inspected the old stained piece of parchment. Realizing this could potentially be a crime scene, I took out my phone and snapped a quick picture. After taking a few more pictures of the expired cans, boxes, and paintings, I sent the lot to Shawn and returned my attention to the note. “You will leave the hound. Get out of our home.” If it could write, it could think, and if it could think it must be alive. Right? The dark figure could have been the light reflecting off of one of the many mirrors at every corner of the house. The note was something else. Someone knew I was here. Someone had Blair. She was my partner, and she was in trouble. Out of nowhere started a high pitched ringing. It grew so loud my knees gave out and I fell to the floor with both hands clasped to my ears to try and drown out the sound. There was no use. My brain was pounding and my consciousness was fading fast. The sound was unbearable. Everything was blurry. Then everything went red. My lungs burned from screaming, and when I looked up something dark stood before me. The ringing had clouded my vision to the point where I could not make out where I was or what I was looking at. The dark figure approached me and everything went black. I woke up in my bed. I shot up when I remembered what had happened. Had it happened? Maybe it had been a dream. I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs in search of Blair, but she was nowhere to be seen. Fearfully I checked my phone. It was 9 pm. Where had those 15 hours gone? There were 3 messages and 6 missed calls from Shawn. The messages consisted of, “Shae get the hell out of there!” “Honey answer me!” “I’m coming home now. Please answer me.” Shawn had been in Des Moines, Iowa performing a home purification on a house that had been built on a Native American battleground. He said there were multiple spirits haunting the grounds where a family had recently decided to build their forever home. He was not supposed to return for another two days, and nothing pulls Shawn away from the job. I knew something was very wrong. I looked back at the messages I had sent him. They were delivered and read at 7:07 am. It was a 14 hour drive from Des Moines to Harrisburg Pennsylvania, so he’d be home any minute. While looking at the photos I had sent him, I realized why he was so worried. In one, a dark shadow appeared on the wall. In another, there were long scratches all the way down the wall by the shelves of tomatoes. The last picture was that of the paintings. When I zoomed in on the picture of the living room, each silhouette seemed to be staring at me. As I zoomed out I noticed the mirror in the corner of the room. Looking closer at my body, I noticed a claw-like hand on my shoulder. Terrified, I yanked on the collar of my T-shirt. There was thin but long hand shaped burn left behind. I was screaming when Shawn entered the house. I heard him slam the door shut and sprint up the steps to our room. He saw the hand print and carefully removed my shirt. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. I sat still and looked straight ahead. This could not be happening. I had factual evidence that something evil had happened in that house. Something that could not be explained with human evidence. Shawn got up and frantically dug through his drawers. I wanted to assure him that I was okay, but I could not move. I was in shock. I watched him take out a cup made of silver and fill it with holy water. He then poured some of the same holy water and some salt on to a rag. He walked both the rag and the cup over to me. He sat in front of me, looked me in the eyes and said “Christo”. To his horror, my face jerked upward. I did not understand why my body had reacted the way it had to the word. I took the cup from him and drank the water. It burned. I screamed and threw the glass across the room. My body went into a fit and I looked at Shawn desperately for an explanation and way to ease my pain. I could see tears falling down his face as he reached for a book in his bag. When I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, I had turned a ghostly shade of pale gray. My lips were scabbed over, and my once bright blue eyes were now a dark black. I stared in terror at the face looking at me. It smiled and let out a low gargling laugh.

[ianemoonliteraryblog]

I Am Me

I’ve lived my life as a woman. Still I am living a woman’s life. People see me as one of you, treat me like one of you. I am one of the only men on the planet who truly understand the inequality of women. My transition into this position in life has taught me how unjust my people can be. As a white man, a trans man, and in the past, a girl. I have seen how we treat each other as well of those we deem to be beneath us. I am guilty of this. I saw that this is how it was done so I did it to many; I am not blameless.

Although I have see the indecency in women, I have also seen the good. How women help each other, lift each other up. Backstabbing, rumors, and sexuality have run rampant and destroyed our Public Schools for future generations. We need to raise our youth to spread equality and unity. Above all; Empowerment. Everyone can be who they want to be. The kind of education and environment in Private Schools and taught in wealthy families (unless of course they raise their women to be pageant pretty and their men with toxic masculinity). We need to stop feeling better than others or feeling like you have more, need more, want more than anyone else. That is not a healthy way to live.

I wish I had been able to live the life of a child. So many adult things happened leading up to and even after my birth that I was forced to grow up. Play seemed too childish. I never played with cardboard boxes and I didn’t enjoy legos or building blocks. I hated the way other kids always seemed to have imaginations and imaginary friends. The only way I was able to imagine anything was if it was written down for me in a book. I found my imagination in literature. The words come to life in my mind like it’s being painted by the artists my mind associates them with. I cannot remember the names of many artists or authors. That doesn’t reflect the amount of books I’ve read and paintings I’ve lived a lifetime in front of, the tears I’ve shed in museums or curled up on the couch with a good book. The poetry that makes you stop and think about the world in a completely different way, or see it exactly as it is and forces you to make peace with it or drown in your emotions.

Writing is my salvation, writing is God. Writing is without gender, without sex, without religion or biase. Anyone can write. There are no rules. If you have something to say and the will to write it, you are a writer. Men and women, gay and straight, Christian or Hindu. Writing is for us all. God is for us all. War is for man, for greed. Anger and hate is Evil. It is the Dark Side of the Force. When you imagine all the things you cannot imagine and yearn to know more you cannot imagine all the things you’ll discover about people and places, how things exist and shift. The other day I watched a 24 hour time lapsed video of the Earth “breathing” from satellite images. The Earth is a living being that we are charged with taking care of and hating people is what got us into this mess. Let’s value the lives of everyone on Earth and work together to clean it up.

We need to stop arguing about bathrooms and whether or not we should bomb or raid or deport these people or those. Our planet is literally dying. We have given her pneumonia, she’s drowning in the water caused by the fever caused by our noxious gas. We have the knowledge and the ability to go green. The fact that there is even a debate about using oil and natural gas is uphauling. These industries are dead in the water and they know it. When the Earth shifts, so must its people, and to prevent her getting sick again we must learn from our mistakes. Once we open ourselves to the possibilities of peace you never know how Mother Earth will bloom for you. The life that will flourish before your eyes!

That starts with respect. Respect for your fellow man. Nameless, faceless, distant men. Respect is the center of righteousness. You cannot know your worth until you see that everyone is worth just as much as you, and the planet we live on deserves the respect of being cared for so that we never lose our home, forced to make do with some other planet or space station. A homeless species, adrift.

As I am today, I am an undecided on medically transitioning transmasculine enby (NB, or non-_binary). I am still learning about the world. I do not presume to know the world or the people on it. The world is always pushing its way in, filling my mind the with ugliness and the pain. It depresses me and makes me want the world to die in a fiery end. Then I am awakened to the beauty and the possibility of the world and for my future upon it and I am filled with hope. I feel like a balloon, rising above those that choose to keep themselves down with hate. I dream about the day I can lie upon a rock on a sunny day in the forest, wearing nothing but damp shorts, soggy shoes, and bliss on my stubbled face. If the one I love or someone I love is beside me, that will be my crowning achievement. In that moment I will be in a place to decide what kind of man I want to be. What to do with my life. Until then I am still growing up. I haven’t even gone through puberty yet, not the right one, anyway. I’m just a kid.

A lot of you will want to hate me for the way I introduce myself, the way I look; and that’s your right. I just hope these words might resonate somewhere within you, open your heart and your mind just a crack, so that, someday, for whatever reason, your wall might break. That you might one day hear enough of love, and be able to shut out the hate, even if its only for a moment, and I hope you know that I will do my best not to hate you, even if you hate me.

I know everyone has a story to tell and there is always a reason for hatred. Some past pain or the way you were brought up, the people you were surrounded by. It isn’t your fault. All I’m hoping is that you have enough of your own mind left and enough love in your heart to see that what I say is true, and that the future of mankind is at risk simply because the top 1% have us at war with each other and their media paints us all in the extreme. You pass your judgments without even thinking, as do I. This is a habit we all must work to break. A tradition running long past its expiration date. We live in a world where the dollar is worth more than human life. This is the fundamental reason for our failure. The fault is in greed. We must decide to drop the Federal Reserve to its knees and tell the 1% “No more!”

Their money was gained in dealing death. It needs to be worthless in our eyes. It is time we started putting value on life. Plants, animals, and people. If it has value and worth it is worth saving. Greed has no value. Money is the symbol of greed. You want to know just how to move into the future, here it is. Love thy neighbor. Love the land, love the sky, and love yourself enough to know you are worth more than the world tells you you are. Love others enough to lift them up to your level rather than knocking them down. Don’t be someone who destroys, be someone who builds, and together we can rebuild the world in peace.

[ourplanetary-blog]

Irda may also herald life coverage portability

New Post has been published on https://ourplanetary.com/irda-may-also-herald-life-coverage-portability/

Irda may also herald life coverage portability

Mumbai: The coverage regulator is thinking about allowing lifestyles insurance policy holders to switch from one insurer to any other without surrendering their current guidelines and for that reason losing a portion of the premium paid.

Discussions to allow portability in life coverage are in early ranges and it’s far probably to show up after the industry movements to a totally virtual form of transacting and coping with coverage products, said 3 human beings, such as a regulatory authentic, on the situation of anonymity because the discussions are yet to be formalized.

By permitting portability, the Insurance Regulatory and Development Authority of India (Irda) aims to store customers the price of surrenders whilst converting regulations if they’re unhappy with their current insurer. The regulator had already allowed portability in health insurance policies in 2011.

Portability can make existence less complicated for policyholders in terms of services and price, stated one of the 3 people mentioned earlier.

India’s life coverage region is the largest inside the international with about 360 million regulations. This variety is predicted to develop at an annual common of 12-15% over the following five years, in keeping with the India Brand Equity Foundation, a government agrees with below the branch of trade.

The portability plan is likewise in keeping with the authorities and Irda’s intention to lessen misspelling of coverage inside u. S ., the man or woman stated.

Under modern rules, this kind of transfer isn’t always allowed. If a policyholder desires to discontinue her present coverage earlier than it reaches adulthood, she has to pay a “give up fee”, which can be as much as 70% of rates paid till date.

The first individual stated that portability will need changes in underwriting regulations for insurers, standardization of charges, mortality and morbidity prices utilized by special insurers and obligatory electronic issuance. On 28 March, Mint reported that Irda is planning to invite existence insurers to problem guidelines simplest in a dematerialized (demand) layout past a detailed threshold top rate. A demand format for insurance serves the equal purpose as for equities: it is a unmarried-view, paper-loose, safe layout in an effort to also cut processing expenses for insurance companies and probably reduce charges as nicely.

“Trust is the main element within the coverage enterprise and portability can enhance efficiency inside the sector,” stated the second individual cited in advance. “It will take some time although, on account that some paintings wish to be performed.” Life Insurance: Back to Basics Life Insurance: A Slice of History

The current coverage contracts that we’ve nowadays such as existence insurance, originated from the practice of traders within the 14th century. It has also been acknowledged that extraordinary strains of security arrangements have already been in the region due to the fact that time immemorial and somehow, they are comparable to insurance contracts in its embryonic form.

The extraordinary increase of existence coverage from nearly nothing one hundred years in the past to its gift gigantic percentage isn’t of the fantastic marvels of present-day enterprise lifestyles. Essentially, lifestyles insurance have become one of the felt requirements of a human kind due to the unrelenting call for economic safety, the developing need for social balance, and the clamor for safety in opposition to the risks of cruel-crippling calamities and surprising monetary shocks. Insurance is not a rich guy’s monopoly. Gone are the times whilst only the social elite are afforded its safety due to the fact in this modern generation, coverage contracts are riddled with the assured hopes of many families of modest approach. It is woven, because it had been, into the very corner and cranny of the national financial system. It touches upon the holiest and most sacred ties in the life of man. The love of parents. The love of other halves. The love of youngsters. And even the love of enterprise.

Life Insurance as Financial Protection

A existence insurance coverage will pay out an agreed amount typically called the sum assured below sure instances. The sum confident in a lifestyles insurance coverage is supposed to reply on your monetary needs in addition to your dependents in the event of your dying or incapacity. Hence, lifestyles insurance gives monetary insurance or safety towards those risks.

Life Insurance: General Concepts

Insurance is a threat-spreading device. Basically, the insurer or the coverage company pools the premiums paid via all of its clients. Theoretically speak, the pool of charges answers for the losses of every insured.

Life coverage is a settlement wherein one party insures a person in opposition to loss with the aid of the death of another. A coverage on lifestyles is an agreement with the aid of which the insurer (the insurance agency) for a stipulated sum, engages to pay a certain amount of cash if any other dies within the time limited with the aid of the coverage. The fee of the coverage money hinges upon the loss of existence and in its broader sense, existence insurance includes a a twist of fate insurance, due to the fact that existence is insured under either settlement.

Therefore, the lifestyles coverage settlement is among the coverage holder (the confident) and the lifestyles coverage organization (the insurer). In go back for this protection or insurance, the policy holder can pay a top rate for an agreed period of time, based on the type of coverage purchased.

In the same vein, it’s miles essential to notice that life coverage is a valued policy. This means that it isn’t a contract of indemnity. The interest of the character insured in hello or any other individual’s life is generally not inclined of a precise pecuniary dimension. You truely can’t placed a fee tag on a person’s life. Thus, the measure of indemnity is something is fixed in the coverage. However, the hobby of someone insured turns into inclined of actual pecuniary size if it’s far a case regarding a creditor who insures the existence of a debtor. In this precise state of affairs, the hobby of the insured creditor is measurable due to the fact it’s miles based totally on the cost of the indebtedness.

Common Life Insurance Policies

Generally, existence insurance rules are regularly marketed to cater to retirement making plans, savings and funding functions apart from the ones mentioned above. For example, an annuity can thoroughly offer earnings for the duration of your retirement years.

Whole lifestyles and endowment participating policies or investment related plans (ILPs) in life coverage policies package collectively a financial savings and funding element along with insurance safety. Hence, for the same amount of coverage, the premiums will price you more than purchasing a natural coverage product like term insurance.

The upside of that bundled merchandise is that they tend to accumulate coins over the years and they’re eventually paid out once the policy matures. Thus, if your death gain is coupled with coins values, the latter is paid out once the insured dies. With time period insurance but, no cash cost build up may be had.

The not unusual practice in maximum international locations is the advertising of bundled merchandise as financial savings merchandise. This is one particular side of contemporary coverage exercise whereby a part of the charges paid with the aid of the assured is invested to accumulate cash values. The downside of this practice though is the rates invested emerge as subjected to funding dangers and in contrast to financial savings deposits, the assured cash price may be much less than the total quantity of charges paid.

Essentially, as a destiny policy holder, you want to have an intensive evaluation of your needs and desires. It is handiest after this step wherein you may carefully pick out the lifestyles coverage product that best suits your wishes and dreams. If your target is to defend your circle of relatives’ destiny, make certain that the product you have chosen meets your safety wishes first.

Real World Application

It is vital to make the most out of your cash. Splitting your existence coverage on multiple policies can save you extra cash. If you die while your children are three & five, you’ll need lots more lifestyles insurance safety than if your kids are 35 & 40. Let’s say your children are 3 & five now and in case you die, they may need as a minimum $2,000,000 to stay, to visit college, and so forth. Instead of getting $2,000,000 in permanent lifestyles insurance, with the intention to be outrageously high priced, just pass for term lifestyles coverage: $one hundred,000 for permanent life insurance, $a million for a 10-year term coverage, $500,000 for a 20-year time period insurance, and $four hundred,000 of 30 years time period. Now that is very sensible as it covers all this is important. If you die and the kids are thirteen & 15 or more youthful, they may get $2M; if the age is between thirteen-23, they get $1M; if between 23-33, they get $500,000; if after that, they nevertheless get $100,000 for final expenses and funeral costs. This is ideal for insurance needs that modifications over time because-because the youngsters grow, your economic duty also lessens. As the ten, 20, and 30 years time period expires, price of premiums also expires for this reason you can select to use that money to spend money on stocks and take dangers with it.

[sleeping-stories]

Mal de Coucou

n. a phenomenon in which you have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time—which is a form of acute social malnutrition in which even if you devour an entire buffet of chitchat, you’ll still feel pangs of hunger.

Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Chrysalism

n. the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm, listening to waves of rain pattering against the roof like an argument upstairs, whose muffled words are unintelligible but whose crackling release of built-up tension you understand perfectly.

Altschmerz

n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

Occhiolism

n. the awareness of the smallness of your perspective, by which you couldn’t possibly draw any meaningful conclusions at all, about the world or the past or the complexities of culture, because although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room.

Ambedo

n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—briefly soaking in the experience of being alive, an act that is done purely for its own sake.

Nodus Tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

Liberosis

n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone—rather to hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball, keeping it in the air, with only quick fleeting interventions, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play.

Vemödalen

n. the frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist—the same sunset, the same waterfall, the same curve of a hip, the same closeup of an eye—which can turn a unique subject into something hollow and pulpy and cheap, like a mass-produced piece of furniture you happen to have assembled yourself.

Kairosclerosis

n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

Vellichor

n. the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time—filled with thousands of old books you’ll never have time to read, each of which is itself locked in its own era, bound and dated and papered over like an old room the author abandoned years ago, a hidden annex littered with thoughts left just as they were on the day they were captured.

Rückkehrunruhe

n. the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness—to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all, even though it felt so vivid just days ago—which makes you wish you could smoothly cross-dissolve back into everyday life, or just hold the shutter open indefinitely and let one scene become superimposed on the next, so all your days would run together and you’d never have to call cut.

Nighthawk

n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night—an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future—that circles high overhead during the day, that pecks at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can successfully ignore for weeks, only to feel its presence hovering outside the window, waiting for you to finish your coffee, passing the time by quietly building a nest.

Dead Reckoning

n. to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.

Pâro

n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

Midsummer

n. a feast celebrated on the day of your 26th birthday, which marks the point at which your youth finally expires as a valid excuse—when you must begin harvesting your crops, even if they’ve barely taken root—and the point at which the days will begin to feel shorter as they pass, until even the pollen in the air reminds you of the coming snow.

Adronitis

n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone—spending the first few weeks chatting in their psychological entryway, with each subsequent conversation like entering a different anteroom, each a little closer to the center of the house—wishing instead that you could start there and work your way out, exchanging your deepest secrets first, before easing into casualness, until you’ve built up enough mystery over the years to ask them where they’re from, and what they do for a living.

Rigor Samsa

n. a kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time—and will keep growing back again and again, until you develop a more sophisticated emotional structure, held up by a strong and flexible spine, built less like a fortress than a cluster of treehouses.

Silience

n. the kind of unnoticed excellence that carries on around you every day, unremarkably—the hidden talents of friends and coworkers, the fleeting solos of subway buskers, the slapdash eloquence of anonymous users, the unseen portfolios of aspiring artists—which would be renowned as masterpieces if only they’d been appraised by the cartel of popular taste, who assume that brilliance is a rare and precious quality, accidentally overlooking buried jewels that may not be flawless but are still somehow perfect.

Fitzcarraldo

n. an image that somehow becomes lodged deep in your brain—maybe washed there by a dream, or smuggled inside a book, or planted during a casual conversation—which then grows into a wild and impractical vision that keeps scrambling back and forth in your head like a dog stuck in a car that’s about to arrive home, just itching for a chance to leap headlong into reality.

Keyframe

n. a moment that seemed innocuous at the time but ended up marking a diversion into a strange new era of your life—set in motion not by a series of jolting epiphanies but by tiny imperceptible differences between one ordinary day and the next, until entire years of your memory can be compressed into a handful of indelible images—which prevents you from rewinding the past, but allows you to move forward without endless buffering.

Gnossienne

n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.

Anecdoche

n. a conversation in which everyone is talking but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.

Catoptric Tristesse

n. the sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad or if at all—that although we reflect on each other with the sharpness of a mirror, the true picture of how we’re coming off somehow reaches us softened and distorted, as if each mirror was preoccupied with twisting around, desperately trying to look itself in the eye.

Anemoia

n. nostalgia for a time you’ve never known. Imagine stepping through the frame into a sepia-tinted haze, where you could sit on the side of the road and watch the locals passing by. Who lived and died before any of us arrived here, who sleep in some of the same houses we do, who look up at the same moon, who breathe the same air, feel the same blood in their veins—and live in a completely different world.

Mimeomia

n. the frustration of knowing how easily you fit into a stereotype, even if you never intended to, even if it’s unfair, even if everyone else feels the same way—each of us trick-or-treating for money and respect and attention, wearing a safe and predictable costume because we’re tired of answering the question, “What are you supposed to be?”

Monachopsis

n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.

Semaphorism

n. a conversational hint that you have something personal to say on the subject but don’t go any further—an emphatic nod, a half-told anecdote, an enigmatic ‘I know the feeling’—which you place into conversations like those little flags that warn diggers of something buried underground: maybe a cable that secretly powers your house, maybe a fiberoptic link to some foreign country.

Énouement

n. the bittersweetness of having arrived here in the future, where you can finally get the answers to how things turn out in the real world—who your baby sister would become, what your friends would end up doing, where your choices would lead you, exactly when you’d lose the people you took for granted—which is priceless intel that you instinctively want to share with anybody who hadn’t already made the journey, as if there was some part of you who had volunteered to stay behind, who was still stationed at a forgotten outpost somewhere in the past, still eagerly awaiting news from the front.

Daguerreologue

n. an imaginary interview with an old photo of yourself, an enigmatic figure who still lives in the grainy and color-warped house you grew up in, who may well spend a lot of their day wondering where you are and what you’re doing now, like an old grandma whose kids live far away and don’t call much anymore.

Fata Organa

n. a flash of real emotion glimpsed in someone sitting across the room, idly locked in the middle of some group conversation, their eyes glinting with vulnerability or quiet anticipation or cosmic boredom—as if you could see backstage through a gap in the curtains, watching stagehands holding their ropes at the ready, actors in costume mouthing their lines, fragments of bizarre sets waiting for some other production.

Avenoir

n. the desire that memory could flow backward. We take it for granted that life moves forward. But you move as a rower moves, facing backwards: you can see where you’ve been, but not where you’re going. And your boat is steered by a younger version of you. It’s hard not to wonder what life would be like facing the other way…

Kenopsia

n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that’s usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet—a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.

The Tilt Shift

n. a phenomenon in which your lived experience seems oddly inconsequential once you put it down on paper, which turns an epic tragicomedy into a sequence of figures on a model train set, assembled in their tiny classrooms and workplaces, wandering along their own cautious and well-trodden paths—peaceable, generic and out of focus.

Jouska

n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

Ecstatic Shock

n. the surge of energy upon catching a glance from someone you like—a thrill that starts in your stomach, arcs up through your lungs and flashes into a spontaneous smile—which scrambles your ungrounded circuits and tempts you to chase that feeling with a kite and a key.

Heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

Xeno

n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

Flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

Wytai

n. a feature of modern society that suddenly strikes you as absurd and grotesque—from zoos and milk-drinking to organ transplants, life insurance, and fiction—part of the faint background noise of absurdity that reverberates from the moment our ancestors first crawled out of the slime but could not for the life of them remember what they got up to do.

Onism

n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die—and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.

Kuebiko

n. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world—mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that’s buried under the surface—before propping yourself up in the middle of it like an old scarecrow, who’s bursting at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.

Exulansis

n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.

Morii

n. the desire to capture a fleeting experience. “With every click of the shutter, you're trying to press pause on your life."

Dès Vu

n. the awareness that this will become a memory.