#the depression has returned and ive been in a bit of a slump

[erikwilsonreal]

February 6th Reflection

It's a video today! Suprise!

I always perk up when I see Andrew Nieman mentioned anywhere. He's like every conservatory student's Beyoncé. That's not a good thing, just so you know. But I'll be damned if he's not relatable. Every music student I know has a "Whiplash" story of their own. Whether it be abuse from a teacher, walking off a car wreck to make it to a concert, or both. Personally, my Whiplash was suffering through a month long bout of untreated bronchitis because I was too busy practicing and going to class. I'm lucky to have never had any abusive teachers, though. (Although Mr. Sharpe did threaten me with a dongle one time, because I was out of tune) That being said, it was a little funny seeing a video about the "Dramatization" of ambition and explaining it as "Hollywood Drama" when, in my opinion, this is real life for me. It really is this stressful, this intense. (fun fact, it's rumored that Whiplash is based off of an experience that happened here at UNCSA) Especially for second years, everyone is high strung worried about whether they will be welcomed back into school next year. I don't think it's like that for the other on-screen professions though. At least, I hope professional chefs aren't all in the back having panic attacks over getting the right salt like Carmy is.

[samayla]

Lemon Meringue

Here it is, folks: the opening chapter of the Lemon Meringue AU! 

Thorin's hobbit is depressed. It's been a very rainy fall, but Thorin has been assured that a homemade lemon pie will help him bring Bilbo all the sunshine he needs.

AO3

This is for @shygaladriel​ and @angelsallfire​, who provided the prompts that spawned this beast last week. I have had so much fun working on this! I’m still going strong, and I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I do!

Chapter 1

Thorin’s hobbit was depressed.

He pondered the issue while he looped wire to make a whisk for Azalea Proudfoot. The rain beating on the awning of his little blacksmith shop faded to a dull background thrum while he worked. Around and around the wire went, and so too did his thoughts, always coming back to the same, worrisome fact. His hobbit was depressed.

One loop. He wasn’t writing anymore.

Another loop. He seemed to have lost his sweet tooth entirely.

Another loop. His green thumb was likewise missing.

Another loop. It had been weeks since they’d had company at Bag End.

“I’d recognize the set of that brow anywhere.”

Startled, Thorin looked up to see Everard Bolger at his counter, shaking rain off his oilskin cloak.

“Marital troubles, I’d wager. What’d you do?”

“Nothing,” Thorin growled at once. No one could say he hadn’t been trying.

Bolger chuckled. “Son, take it from me. I’ve been married near sixty years now, and it’s almost never ‘nothing.’” The elderly hobbit flopped his soggy cloak over the edge of the counter and shuffled around the end.

“You’ll get burrs in your toe hair,” Thorin warned. Once Bolger got settled in, there would be no hope of avoiding one of his infamous lectures.

“Never you mind my toe hair, lad,” Bolger snapped, rapping his walking stick against Thorin’s work table and then perching himself on the edge of a barrel of wire clippings. “Now, tell me what’s happened.”

Thorin hooked a fresh length of wire through the tops of his loops and twisted it to make the base of a handle and buy himself time to think. At last, he asked, “Do you remember last spring?”

Bolger’s impatient scowl melted away at once. “He’s not ill again, is he?”

“No,” Thorin hastened to assure him. He took up another length of wire to wind around the handle. “On our journey, there was an… incident. We were taken prisoner. Bilbo singlehandedly saved our entire company, but he nearly died in the aftermath.” Thorin cleared his throat. He’d nearly died again last spring. It made him panicky just to think of it. “Pneumonia,” he managed after a moment.

“And now he’s susceptible,” Bolger supplied.

“Exactly.”

“And you’re worried about this run of weather we’ve had lately.”

Around and around Thorin wrapped the wire, coiling it into a neat, sturdy handle for the whisk. He didn’t answer the hobbit. It hadn’t been a question.

Bolger nodded to himself after a minute, and his tone turned sharp once more. “And you’ve told him he has to stay indoors for his health, have you?”

“Of course not,” Thorin snapped. “I would never — I wouldn’t —” He stopped himself and took a deep breath. He felt like he was losing Bilbo all over again. He had to remind himself that he wasn’t, and that Bolger could possibly help. “I only… I told him how worried I was, and he said he’d stay in. He seemed fine for the first few days, but then I caught him digging through our things from our journey one afternoon. I thought maybe he meant to work on his book, but he hasn’t touched it, and I feel like he’s barely spoken to me since. He isn’t interested in cooking, or taking care of the flowers I bring him, or having company over to Bag End… I just…”

Thorin fell silent. He could feel the elderly hobbit’s eyes on him as he finished winding the handle of the whisk.

“Well,” Bolger said after a minute or two, “you may have married a Baggins in name, but that lad is half a Took, and that lot has never been very good at sitting still.”

Thorin nodded without looking up. He’d heard plenty such whispers about adventurous Tooks and what a waste of a Baggins it was and how only the son of the notorious Belladonna Took could have married a dwarf, of all creatures.

“You know what to do then, don’t you?”

“If I knew, I’d be doing it,” Thorin growled, chucking the finished whisk into a crate with the rest of Azalea’s order. He slumped at the table with his head in his hands.

“None of that now,” Bolger scolded, rapping Thorin soundly across the shoulders with his walking stick. Thorin surged to his feet in indignation, but Bolger plowed on with the self-assurance only extreme age could bestow. “You don’t know what to do, lad, then you ask one of us who does.”

Bolger just stared at him expectantly until Thorin sighed and sat. “What do you suggest I do, Master Bolger?” he asked in his most placating tone.

The hobbit nodded approvingly and replaced his walking stick against the table. “You say Bilbo’s depressed? Well, what would make that better, in your estimation?”

“The return of the sun,” Thorin answered at once. “He needs fresh air, adventure, and a bit of sunshine to banish this foul cloud he’s under.”

“There you have it,” Bolger declared, nodding again. “He needs fresh air, you give it to him. Adventure? Sunshine? You bring them to him if he can’t go out and get them for himself. Or leastways, do what you can. It’s the effort that matters in a marriage, more than the outcome, if you catch my meaning.”

“And just how do you propose I bring him the sun?” Thorin demanded, exasperated with the hobbit’s non-advice. It’s broken? Unbreak it, of course. Nothing was that simple.

Bolger bristled at his tone. “Well, lad, for starters, you might try being at home. Your husband’s hurting because he’s stuck there? What in the name of the Green Lady are you doing out here yourself? You head down to the market this very instant, and then you come up with an adventure for that Tookish husband of yours, and then you head straight home to deliver it.”

“But what —”

Bolger brandished his walking stick at him. “A meal’s always a safe place to start, but the rest is for you to figure out, isn’t it? You married him, lad, not me. Now, get going.”

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON B.RITE’S MAIN VOCAL IM CHANGMIN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: Koala.T ETC: this member has become known as the nation’s little brother for his variety work

IDOL IMAGE

Here’s a boy who embodies the image that B.rite is meant to give off - vibrant, pure and energetic. Changmin stays true to his given name - Sunshine. The energy that he radiates, even offstage, is something that pulls people in. From the moment he stepped foot into Koala.T Music headquarters, they knew that he had a place in their new up and coming boy group. He had the youthful, boyish and vibrant vibe that they wanted the group to give off. His personality was one of the biggest reasons why he had debuted in the first place. Sure, his voice was amazing, but they couldn’t capitalize off of a voice with a shitty personality. They could, however, capitalize off of a bright personality and a mediocre voice. Luckily for Changmin, and everyone else, they had hit the jackpot with him.

The public seems to eat up everything that Changmin does. All he has to do is give the camera a sweet smile and everyone watching on the other side of the screen will melt down to their shoes. The main vocalist is too sweet to take advantage of this though. He loves his fans, and he doesn’t want to use his natural charms against them. Koala.T doesn’t see any issue in trying to use his sway over the public for their own benefit. Changmin has become something sort of a cash cow for the. He’s always asked to be on variety shows and to do CFs and brand endorsements. Of course the label accepted most, if not all of the offers that came his way. Anything to get B.rite’s name out there even more than.

Despite being the nation’s little brother, there are a lot of people who dislike him, more specifically the people who bias one other person in the group and no one else. They tell him all the time that he’s nothing but an attention seeking brat who takes all opportunities from his group members. The love outweighs the hate though, and because of that, Koala.T continues to send him off to shows several times a year just to make sure that he, and in return B.rite, remain successful and relevant.

As one of the older members of the group, he does feel a certain responsibility for everyone. He may not be the most responsible member of the group, and he can act a bit childish from time to time, he knew when the right moment to grow up was. There are several times where he can be seen speaking for the whole group at award shows and during interviews, something that brings him more support and loving compliments. At this point, it feels as though no matter what Changmin does, he’ll always be seen as a golden boy in the eyes of Koreans, but he doesn’t particularly care. He preens under the praises and absorbs them. Not many people are aware of his need to be appreciated constantly, something that came as a result of his mother’s constant praises. If he’s not being praised, he feels as though he’s letting not only his mother down, but everyone else as well, and that’s another depressive slump he never wants to step foot in again.

IDOL HISTORY

I.

The year is 1995 and the month is July, the beginning of summer vacation for two soon-to-be students in their last year of schooling before going off to university. A couple since their first year of high school, the two have been through quite a lot with each other, things that have only made their relationship grow strong and resilient. Or so they thought. The beginning of August is when the two of them decide to come clean about the girl’s pregnancy. Yuri is only eighteen at the time, but she’s ready to accept full responsibility for her actions. Kiyoung? Not so much. He doesn’t want to be a father yet, and he tries fruitlessly to get Yuri to agree to having the pregnancy terminated, but to no avail whatsoever. Yuri is set one hundred percent in her ways, and there’s nothing he or anyone can do to deter her from having her baby.

Her parents, both God fearing and conservative people, aren’t happy in the slightest when they hear the news of her pregnancy. Neither are Kiyoung’s parents, and they immediately come together to pull the two teens apart. Yuri’s heartbroken, of course. She wants to raise her baby with her boyfriend, forming a small, tight knit family so they can all grow together. Her despair grows even more when her parents tell her that she’ll be staying on the countryside with distant relatives until she gives birth. She tries to turn to Kiyoung for help and support, but he’s already turned his back on her, moving on with his life as a single teenager. Heartbroken, she moves on to the countryside without looking back, a bitter taste of resentment in her mouth.

II.

It was a chilly morning when Changmin came into the world. The sun hadn’t even risen yet, and because of the far distance from his relative’s house to the nearest hospital, he ended up being a home birth. From the moment he was born and she laid eyes on him, Yuri loved her son with every fiber of her being. The fact that he looked just like his father, with the exception of his eyes and lips, didn’t matter to her. No matter how much contempt she had for his father, she never allowed it to murk up her feelings towards her child, whom she named based on the fact that he had a bright smile and eyes just like the sun.

During his childhood, and to present day, she swore that he never cried as a baby. That he came into the world smiling like he was wise beyond his years. Changmin, a child at the time, would laugh at his mother’s words, not believing in them in the slightest, but they weren’t far off from the truth. Changmin was a happy baby, and he turned into an even happier child. The first few years of his life were spent going to preschool and helping out on his relatives’ rice farm, up until he was six years old and his mother landed a job as a secretary in Busan. Despite not having a college degree. She was an intelligent, hardworking woman, but what put her above the other applicants was her beauty, the point that drove her employer to actually hire her.

They packed up their few things and moved to the city, his mother finding a cozy, albeit tiny, apartment. It was an open concept apartment, the living area serving a dual purpose as a sitting space and their bedroom, while the kitchen and bathroom was only a few feet away. It was small, but it worked for them. Even though he didn’t have much growing up, he never once lost his sweet smile and sunny disposition. He had his mother, the woman who provided more than enough love and affection for him that he needn’t want for anything. Birthdays and Christmases were uneventful, no presents were exchanged, but the time they spent with one another was priceless and it made Changmin happy.

III.  

All throughout his life, even without him realizing it, music was very much so prominent. His mother sang to him constantly throughout his childhood and into his adolescence. Yuri’s dream was once to become a singer herself, but her dreams came to a screeching halt once she birthed Changmin. She couldn’t become a professional singer, but what she could and did do was pass on her love of singing to her son. Changmin had been blessed with quite the voice himself, him quickly realizing his talent for it at a young age. He wanted to take vocal lessons, had asked his mother about them for years, but no matter how she tried to swing it, she just couldn’t afford them. So she did the next best thing.

Every night when she got off from work and Changmin completed his homework, she would take him to the local internet cafe so he could watch singing lesson videos online. Every weekend they would do the same, although they would spend the entire day there because they didn’t have work nor school. After months of doing that, Yuri began to encourage her son to stand in the middle of the cafe and sing. At first he was too nervous to do it on his own, so she would stand and sing with him. Eventually he gained the confidence to sing on his own, and he started singing in the cafe a few times a week.

Unbeknownst to him, he had gained the attention of a high school girl while singing. She was the daughter of an employee from Koala.T Music, and she told her father about the strange, but talented, boy who would spend his weekends singing at the cafe. With his interest piqued, the older gentleman went to go see what all the fuss was about, and he wasn’t disappointed with what he saw. He could sense something in Changmin, something that Koala.T could capitalize on, and he didn’t hesitate to approach both him and his mother before they could leave the cafe.

It was like a dream come true for the fourteen year old, who had dreams of becoming a singer much like his mother. His mother, understanding of how he felt because it was how she too had once felt, gave him the okay to follow through with an audition the following month.

IV..

The audition process was easy, but the training process wasn’t. He went through hell during his years of training, trying to prove himself and grow as an artist. Criticism wasn’t something that he took very well, especially since he had never really experienced harsh criticisms before. When he would sing with his mother, Changmin always received praises, or gentle criticisms. Yuri had always been considerate of his feelings. The vocal trainers at Koala.T weren’t so easy on him. When he began training, people were actually pointing out the flaws in his voice and telling him what was wrong with how he sang and how to fix it, and he didn’t take that well at all. He took constructive criticism as people judging him, and it began eating at him.

He soon began to lose the passion he had for music, because he began to feel as though he couldn’t do anything right. But that made him push himself harder and faster. Eight months into his training had passed, and he had pushed himself so hard that he had a several vocal strain and had to be put on vocal rest for three months, something that pushed him into a deep depression. He started to blame himself for everything that went wrong. Maybe if he was good enough, none of this would have happened.

Despite his poor state of mind, he continued to stay upbeat and bright. He didn’t want anyone to see his struggles, especially his mother. Around that time, Yuri had started dating a man. A wealthy man who treated her well and gave her the world, and Changmin didn’t want to ruin that for her by reeling her into his problems. She was happy, and he refused to interfere with her happiness. He had already been the cause of her giving up her dream, he didn’t want to ruin her life even further.

Slowly but surely his vocal cords began to heal, and he was able to get back into training. The final three and a half years of his training went relatively smoothly, on the outside that is. For some reason, he couldn’t break himself out of the habit of shutting down whenever he received harsh criticism. He knew that he had to learn how to get over it, but it was just too hard for him. Instead of asking for help, much like before, he decided to just cover up and ignore the problem with smiles and a cheery attitude.

V.

After five long and grueling years as a trainee, Changmin was finally awarded the chance to debut. Even if he wasn’t obligated to take it, he would have anyway because he felt as though he deserved it after everything he had gone through. Being a debuted idol was different from being a trainee. A good different. Changmin very much so preferred his life as an idol to his life as a trainee. He could interact with fans, put himself out there more, and find out where he fits in the industry. It was all a learning experience, even after nearly five years of being an idol.

When he first debuted in July of 2015, Changmin wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew that he and his members had trained long and hard enough to be ready for life as idols, but he didn’t know how well received they would be due to the fact that their concept was going in the opposite direction of what most boy groups were doing at the time. Like most periods of time in his life, Changmin was happy. B.rite’s concept was right up his alley, being something that he was quite comfortable with. For him, it wasn’t a concept, it was who he was. It was easy for him to take on the role of bright and quirky because that was just who he was as a person, and fans were able to see that clear as day since day one.

Another thing Changmin hadn’t been expecting was how easily and eagerly he was accepted when it came to promoting B.rite on variety shows. His first time on a variety show was enough to prove to everyone that he was nothing short of a natural when it came to being on camera. It was quite easy for him to turn on his charm and make not only the audiences at home, but the MCs swoon and melt under his aegyo and cheeky puns.

As more releases came and more promoting schedules followed, there were times where networks would offer B.rite a chance to promote on their shows by making appearances, but the catch was that one of the members of B.rite who attended had to be Changmin. He brought in a lot of views, and the general public loved him. More often than not, if the group was going to make an appearance, Changmin would be there front and center, charming the hearts of audiences across the nation.

That didn’t make some people happy though. Anti fans of B.rite, or even solo fans of certain members of the group, would leave nasty comments about Changmin online, claiming that he was hogging the attention and the spotlight from his group members. There was a swarm of hate from antis surrounding him regarding his very frequent appearances on television coming from online forums and social media, while netizens and the general South Korean public had nothing but positive things to say about the idol they had knighted as the Nation’s Little Brother.

Despite the passing time, Changmin hasn’t changed. He’s the same, smiling, bubbly boy that he was twenty years ago, and that is a big part of the charm about him that keeps drawing people in. It’s what makes him the perfect candidate for variety shows and brand endorsements.

The vocalist wants more than that though. He wants the opportunity to showcase his voice outside of B.rite. Being a singer is what he’s always wanted, and he’s been itching to push Koala.T into allowing him to release solo material, but he knows that’s just a dream waiting to get shot down. His value lies within his star power regarding variety, and Koala.T isn’t going to allow him to step out of the lane that has proven to work best for him.

[sgtduckybucky]

Sorry

Anon said: So I just learned you take song request. Can you write something with Sorry by Halsey. Maybe something angst about Sebastian. I totally understand if you can’t.

A/N: I’m so, so, so, SO sorry for taking so long! I’ve been going through a lot lately but I finally managed to write and post this. Hope you’ll like it! 

p.s, requests are open!

The ticking of the clock on your bedside table numbed your sense. Tick, tick tick, the handle went with each passing second. You were lying on your bed, staring at the wall in front of You. Your phone kept lighting up with every notification You received. You didn’t bother to check because You knew who it was as always, It was Sebastian Stan. The man You loved dearly. No, the man You hated intensely. No, wait, that isn’t right either. Sebastian Stan was a man who randomly became a part of your life. And things were great at first. You were fast close friends who did everything together. Until one day, it all stopped.

I.

As a person who suffered from general anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, it wasn’t easy to be an introverted person and keep up with all the social gatherings. Still, You tried your best. You went out with friends when You had the time, You made sure to interact on social media platforms and tried to have alone time outside the house for at least one hour. It was pretty draining for You but it was better being in bed, numb from everything around You and ignoring the world You live in. Not being in contact, not eating or drinking and not bathing.

It was on one of these outings that You had met Sebastian. Your friend had invited him over for your usual dinner dates with your other members of your group. You had taken a liking to him due to the similar interests the both of You had in regards to music, movies and television.

You would text each other every day. Talking about random things. You also sent snapchats to each other, which resulted in the both of you having a snapchat streak. 

This lasted for three months when one day, You just stopped everything. It was subtle at first. Giving him the common excuse of ‘hey sorry. I was busy didn’t get to see  your message.’ and when he would tell You that it’s ok and ask You how your day had been, You would give him short answers to his reply. 

Things went hill gradually after that. He would text You about a movie he would want to see and invite You to join but You would decline, claiming You had something important to do. Then, he would try to start a conversation about the latest episode from your favorite tv show and ask your opinions on it but You would tell him that You hadn’t been keeping up with the show anymore.

Slowly, You stopped responding to his messages all together, but he didn’t. It’s been months since You’ve started replying to his texts. And it’s been weeks since he decided to call You and ask if You were ok. Even your friends had intervened and wondered if Sebastian had done any harm.

You assured them that, no, he did nothing wrong. And that You were just busy. You see, the thing is, when You have anxiety and depression, sometimes You didn’t want to interact with people. Sometimes, it was ok to stay isolated and be with yourself. It’s just, people didn’t understand what You went through, that’s all.

After about two months of ignoring Sebastian, one day, You randomly texted him if he wanted to join You for a cup of coffee at the local cafe. And just like that, things went back to normal between the two of You. He didn’t question what happened and You didn’t bother bringing it up. For You knew, this would only last a while before You went back to ignoring him. 

Cause I can change my mind each day.

II.

Ah, the month of August. The month where You can sense the weather almost cooling down slowly. The month that softly whispers about Autumn being right around the corner. The month where Sebastian Stan was born. August 13th to be exact.

Despite not talking to Sebastian for about five months, You didn’t completely forget about him. He still lingered at the back of your mind, the same way a mother’s warning would whenever You were about to do something wrong.

Perhaps that’s why You still remembered his birthday. That, or the constant hints from your friend’s trying to invite You to his birthday party.

“You’re his best friend, Y/N. You should go to the party.” Your friend would whine at You.

You furrowed your eyebrows at her, “How am I his best friend when I barely talk to the guy?”

Your friend bit her lip in nervousness, “He just,” she said with worry, “He promised me not to tell you this but he really likes you and I know it would mean the world to him if you showed up tomorrow.”

You had expected this. You could tell that the Romanian had feelings for You. What with the way he constantly asks about You and see if You were ok. And on the days where You felt sociable and actually left your house, he always took You to your favorite places. The topics he chose to talk about were obviously about your interests and not his.

“It depends on my mood.” Your friend rolled her eyes at You.

“Please, just try.” She urged You.

And You did. You honestly tried to go to his party. You spent the morning of his birthday trying to pick out an appropriate outfit. You even showered and shaved your legs for the damn thing. But, when You walked out of the bathroom, with the steam following after You and twirling towards the ceiling before vanishing, You felt your shoulders slump at the sight of the black dress laid on your bed. 

With your hair still dripping wet, You walked to your bed and grabbed the hanger and put the dress back in your closet. 

You didn’t feel guilty as the hours went by. You didn’t feel anything as your friends kept texting You to please, please come. You still had time. You didn’t even frown at their angry texts or their insults. You just continued to browse through whatever app You were in the mood for.

And when Sebastian’s message came through at 2 o’clock in the morning, saying, I didn’t get to see you tonight. I hope you’re well, You just read it and went back to watching some random show on Netflix, not fully processing the show.

III.

“At last, my love has come along. My lonely days, are over.”

Came the voice of Etta James through the car speakers. You smiled as You turned up the volume, singing along to the lyrics and humming the forgotten words.

Suddenly, a voice in your head, that sounded just like your mother, said. It’s his mom’s favorite song.

You continued to hum the song as the thoughts of Sebastian invaded your mind. 

A week after his birthday, Sebastian had invited You over to his place for lunch and, to his surprise, You said yes.

His home was lovely. It was small and cozy, yet spacious enough to have multiple bedrooms, bathrooms, a living room and a kitchen. 

Sebastian’s mother had welcomed You with open arms and a bright smile on her lips. Claiming that she had heard so much about You. She had an accent to her words but it made her sound charming.

Sebastian’s mother had made Ciorbă, Cabbage roll and Mititei for lunch. And, although it was a lot of food, all of you managed to eat everything.

His mother was a total sweetheart who loved to tell jokes and laugh loudly. She also liked to make new friends and made sure that her guests were comfortable. You could see where Sebastian got his caring nature from.

When lunch and dessert was done, Sebastian’s mother suggested to play some music and went to turn on the radio. 

“Oh, I love this song!” She said through her Romanian as Etta James’ voice filled the room. She then extended her hand to Sebastian and asked him for a dance.

Without even a blush of embarrassment, he gladly took her hand and dance with her, singing some parts of the song to her. 

You watched the two of them with an easy smile and swayed gently to the melody.

IV.

September 22nd, the first day of Fall. The plants were slowly changing. The greens fading into yellows. The skies filled with darker clouds. The wind getting colder. And the rain increasing its visits. Just like today.

You silently watched the trails of rain sliding down the cafe window. You were entranced by the people walking outside, some rushing to get out of the rain and stay dry while others enjoying the wet visit. Your right hand was wrapped around the warm coffee mug while your left hand supported your chin.

The flash of lightening didn’t phase You, nor did the loud boom of the thunder. It was actually calming for You.

“Y/N?” 

Slowly, You forced yourself to look away from the captivating show of people outside and dragged them to look at the persona who called your name.

“Hello, Sebastian.” You greeted, voice emotionless.

His hair was slightly wet, You noticed. His umbrella was in his hand, still dripping, making a small puddle of water next to his shoes. He was panting slightly, cheeks red in color.

“You can join me if you want.” You offered, dragging your eyes to the empty chair before You and then looking at him once more.

He smiled, “Sure, let me just order real quick.” He rested his umbrella against the table and placed his black jacket on the back of the grey chair.

Minutes later, Sebastian had returned with a steaming mug of coffee, taking seat before You.

Neither of You said anything. You, busy watching the people outside, and him, pouring sugar into his drink and then looking at You, stealing a quick glance at what caught your attention.

“So,” he dragged out the word, “how have you been?” he asked.

It’s been almost a year since you’ve met Sebastian Stan. A year of you two being friends. A year of him enduring your mood swings. A year of him checking up on You. And a year of never giving up.

“I’m...okay.” You answered, wrapping both your hands around your forgotten half empty drink. “What about you?” 

“I’m doing great. Working is a bit exhausting though but I’ll get over it.” 

You gave him a polite small smile at his answer.

It was quiet again between the two of You. Sebastian took a couple of sips of his drink while You continued to watch out the window. The air around you wasn’t awkward. Nor was it enjoyable. It was something that was just there. A statement that there were two people sitting together and not saying anything to each other.

“I’m sorry.” 

Sebastian brought his head up from his phone and laid his eyes on You, who was still looking out the window.

“For what?” he asked with his eyebrows pulled forward and voice laced with confusion. 

“For ignoring you.” You replied after a long pause, finally looking away from the window.

“It’s ok.” he assured You with his kind eyes and gentle voice.

You shook your head.

“It’s just, I knew that You like me.” You noticed his eyes widening slowly, “I’m sorry that you ended up falling in love with a person like me.”

It took Sebastian a couple of seconds to ask You, “What do you mean?”

You looked away from his curious eyes, rubbing your hands in anxiety. 

“I’m...not an emotionally stable person, Sebastian.” You answered, looking him straight in the eyes. I runaway when things are good. I hide behind my depression and anxiety when my life seems to look good.”

You watched as Sebastian tried to say something, mouth opening and closing, “I thought that you would give up on me when you saw the truth. That it’s normal for me to cut off all ties for months for no absolute reason. I knew that you like me and I was sure that my behavior would have you running away.”

Sebastian didn’t say anything, wanting You to finish.

“I stopped replying to your messages and calls, I didn’t show up to your birthday last month. I went months not talking to and I was sure that your feelings towards me would change and yet, through all that, you stayed. You stayed and never changed. And I never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me whenever I decide to meet you. How they light up with happiness at the mere sight of me.”

When You didn’t say anything else, Sebastian slid his hand across the table, palm opening upwards. You slowly rested yours on top of his and felt your heart skip a beat as he closed his big hand around yours.

“I don’t know much about you.” Sebastian began, “I don’t know if you like me or not. And if you do, I don’t even know if our relationship will last. But I do know this,” he brought his eyes up and locked them with yours. The intensity in them made your breath hitch, “I am willing to try. I am willing to be committed. And though you may not understand why, why I have strong feelings for you, I am willing to show you.”

With every word he uttered, with every reassurance he had in his voice, You felt your heart pickup speed. It was different from when You had anxiety or panic attacks. It was surprisingly a pleasant feeling.

You nodded your head, “Ok,” You said with a shaky voice. Body tensing as Sebastian squeezed your hand in affection.

“I’m also willing to try to change-” You frowned as Sebastian shook his head.

“Don’t change for me, Y/N. Change for yourself. Change because you want to.”

At his words, You smiled shyly at him and squeezed his hand back.

Things grew slow between you. It took a long time for You to change yourself. It took awhile for You to accept that there was someone who loved You in your life despite the things You suffered with mentally. It was a while before You explore your relationship with Sebastian. But it did happen. You slowly growing to like Sebastian Stan happened. You going on dates with him happened. And You accepting to be his girlfriend happened. Your habits of isolating yourself didn’t completely disappear, but neither did Sebastian.