#the days i dont work out i feel compelled to smoke myself out to sleep which is!!! certainly not ideal!!!

[leyyvi]

Crazy to me how just working out for an hour puts me in the best sleep I ever had but on the days I don't work out I cannot sleep at all 😭

[just-another-eve-of-eden]

Boulevard of Broken Promise: Ode to Espina Boulevard

They were brief walks we had along that street of Espina Boulevard. In my reverie, I saw you entwining your fingers with mine. At times, I saw myself wrapping my arm around your waist, and we would take drunken-like gaits laughing...as I took youto the cab station.

Whenever I could, I would steal kisses from you right infront of the nosey cab drivers, much to your chagrin ( but saw the delight in your eyes).

My wristwatch striking the ninth hour of the evening ( we always used up all the time we had when we could ) always broke the fun and severed the dance of our free spirits.

The goodbyes that followed were long, and I usually waited for the cab to turn in the farthest corner of Tomas Oppus Street before it disappears from my longing eyes.

As your boardmates said, you usually arrived home (boarding house) with a smile in your lips, twirling your umbrella like a baton.

Rarely though, in our strolls, you would walk ahead of me, taking lengthy strides abbreviating our walks so I would not see your face when you are blushing or annoyed by me. Ah! I remember our puerile fights which I usually initiated. No thanks to my annoying self...always testing your patience...making you bristle...giving you fangs...I find you really cute and pretty everytime you squirmed.

But even then, I still care for you of course. I love you. I think you knew that. You had sense it. I shooed you to your boarding house with a prayer in my heart that you'll feel the same. In those times...I would use your umbrella like a cane feeling crippled.

More often our walks were leisurely. You and I looking at each others eyes, melting in the afternoon sun, contented with each other's presence. On our free time , from SJC college gate to Espina Boulevard, I would court you. Buying you a cup of dirty ice cream, a pack of crispy-chicken ribs at our favorite food stall Van-Vans, at times joining you in flipping the pages of foreign magazines to watch girly poses, or I would give you a two or couple stick of sugar coated banana cue served right from the hot frying pan, pairing it with a chilled lemon tea to constitute dinner eaten in an unlit corner of the public plaza.

Then your hands laced in mine, we would talk about the future that later on entice us both with a bed of roses ( or was it brass or wood?😢), a blissful small family and a house with a well-tended lawn.

Goodbyes were a little longer and little more difficult. Walked you to your boarding house again. Wishing you to have a safe and sound sleep after pining ourselves for a next time.

On weekdays, I would tear myself away from my school works and decided to just walked you to your boarding house from school. I can still recall one afternoon when I decided to stalk you. Yourself treading two blocks behind me watching you turned corners and crossed the streets, and then took you by surprise at the short cut route. I love the shocked plastered in your face. So cute. So pretty. Oh, I love you so much.

On Sundays, I would wait for you at the church entrance door, watching you make the few meters or so...from the Caltex gasoline station across the street, noticing that wonderful gleam in your eyes everytime you see me already there slapping mosquitoes off ( pretending anyway ). My hands in yours, we would hear Father Lito Briones awe-inspiring homilies and partake of the host, giggling on occasions ourselves immersed still within the aura of each other's world. They were great! Those days!

The stormy nights were cold...and I would huddle you at the comforts of my hollow shoulders, with my other hand holding the umbrella, I would get you to your boarding house safe, avoiding broken tree limbs and puddles on the concrete walkways missing our lanky friend who sleeps on a cot in the open skies of Espina Boulevard amidst deafening roars of passing humongous container trucks.

If pressed for our boarding house curfew. We would hurriedly rush ourselves, hailed a cab, and managed ourselves to fit inside, wetting each other's lips in such constricted space ( I love it though, youre so closed to me I can smell every inch of you ). The driver would zoom and splashed his way up to your boarding house. You would always trying to look beautiful ( you are to me..always..), Oh my significant other...there you are standing the doorway, a bit sleek from the drizzle catching your breath. I would comb your hair and whisper you how much I care and love you. Never minding whether I would hear an answer from you which I always waited for so long. I would affectionately compel you to my promise that I would take care of you and love you until forever.

Then all at once...you suddenly want me to leave you. You pushed me away from you just as I was going to bid you goodnight with our usual kisses. I didn't understand...I walked away. Pained throbbing in my chest. But I was hoping we would be okay tomorrow or the next day.

We dont see each other for two weeks. I was thinking it was because we're both busy for the finals. I miss you so much my Monalisa. Your smile...your laughter...your giggles...the sweetness of you..everything of me misses everything of you.

Then I saw our classmates...our closest friends cutting paper flowers of purple and pink in one of the vacant rooms. I was about to ask them then, but I was too stunned..too shocked...when I saw your name on a handmade card with a message for the departed ones...I read RIP and Eternal Rest grant unto "you" my dearest Monalisa. 😢😢😢💔 I felt my heart been squeezed and toppled over by a huge stone... I could hardly breath. I couldn't hold on any longer and I bursted out into heavy sobs. Our friend cried too. How could you leave me like that, without words! It was so unfair! You're unfair! I wanted to hate you. But I love you so much it hurts. I was praying you would take me with you. I would die with you.

I remember you said once that, when youre gone, I should go on with my life. That I should be happy, have kids and build a family of my own. And that you'll be happy somewhere watching me. I dreaded that day when you said that, I wanted to ask but I was taken over with my fears.

These days you are millions of miles away from me. Lands, oceans, universe and galaxies separate us, and only my love and memories keep me together with you.

Once in a while, I treaded the lonely, lovely familiar street of Espina Boulevard. Sometimes envious of happy young couple. My hands bare and dugged in my pockets. And I've longed for you head on my shoulders.

The crispy-chiken ribs and the banana cues remain sweet and warm. The stormy nights still cold. But the sidewalks seems wider and the rusty umbrella you've left with me seems bigger now. I miss you my Monalisa😢😢😢.

The church, food stalls, and the cab drivers look unchanging with the passing years. Father Lito Briones isn't the parish priest anymore. Our lanky friend still there, with lungs full of belched smoke, sleeping...uncaring underneath the heavens.

It was the same street of Espina Boulevard, same distance...yet different in many ways.

Life goes on without you...without us...in Espina Boulevard.

I miss "us" so much.💔

[disloopy]

the heart is deceiving pt.2

bloo

genre: angst, smut

word count: 1.8k

a/n. firstly i apologize for how long this part is i just rlly wanna add everyth and it’ll all make sense in the end ok. n e ways regarding the whole bloo scandal and stuff idk cuz im not rlly a whole ass bloo stan aight so im gonna kinda stay away from that until he or someone clears stuff up so i dont do the whole “cancelled/uncancelled” thing lol k read

LAST a/n i promise. i changed it to first person pov cuz bitch i wrote the entire thing in first person on accident and i just cant deal w this any more

LIPS. daniel's were dripping with ambrosia. kissing him was like tasting an eternal summer, an immortal hour of golden skies, humid nights, honey kissed skin bronze and glistening as we moved against each other.

in this short span of time, daniel seemed to know everything about me; what i loved, what i hated, what got my heart racing and my breathing heavy, he knew what turned me on and he did it with finesse.

seeing him sit up, red marks on his back as he leaned against the bed frame and lit up a cigarette, felt like a scene taken straight from an angst filled movie. i wanted to admire every aspect of him; the way his damp hair stuck to his forehead, the purple bruises forming dark clouds over the moon tattoo, a cigarette dangling between his swollen pink lips.

i curled under the white sheets, so different from my own patterned ones, feeling immersed in the comforting smell of him. he rolled out of bed to get me my jacket to cover myself with. "this is yours," i told him when he handed it to me.

"what's mine is yours, baby." daniel laid down next to me and i wrapped my fingers around the golden necklace that hung loosely around his neck, pulling his face closer to kiss his lips once more. perhaps the taste of his lips was like the food of the greek gods ― pleasurable and addictive.

when my father called that night, i let another lie escape my dirty lips, telling him i had left the party and decided to stay over with jojo. "i'll see you tomorrow then, baby. love you."

"i love you too, daddy." why was i compelled to do the worst things when it came to daniel? i didn't know, but i liked it.

daniel raised his eyebrows as i hung up the phone. "oh, i thought you were talking to me when you said that." i clicked my tongue and laid my throbbing head on the pillow. it's like my lie came to life.

"do you think anyone heard us?" i asked daniel, looking up at him. the smoke seeping out of his lips enveloped my face for a second, and i indulged in the suffocating feeling.

"who cares? they'll only hear your moans... the real sight is for me to see."

he talked like that usually,  but he was definitely wasted tonight. he tried to put his arms around me but i rolled onto my side, away from him. "what's wrong, baby? you didn't like it?" daniel rested his head on my shoulder and i reached up, running my fingers through his hair.

"will you forget everything in the morning."

daniel scoffed, his breath tickling my skin. "i never forget... but in case i do, then we can do it all over again and it'll feel like the first time." i laughed softly, and then turned to look at him, running my fingers over the birthmark on his cheek and over his lips, just like i had fantasized about doing on more nights than one.

daniel just parted his lips, taking my finger into his mouth, his eyes unwavering as they stared into mine. daniel was everything i wanted to be, everything i needed him to be; fearless, emotional, dominant.

"do you... really like me?"

"you talk too much," daniel groans, lighting up another cigarette. "i do... but if you ever end up in my bed again, don't think about asking me such a question."

i received stares when daniel dropped me off at school the next day, in his black bentley with the roof down and the early morning breeze running through my hair, much like his fingers had done just the previous night.

"see you later, baby?" said daniel, pressing a kiss on my lips that caused everything to somehow fall into place. i would leave the shadow of his lips on mine, getting me through the day.

it didn't take long for jojo to point out the band-aids on placed carefully on my knees caused by the rough work of last night. i didn't expect anything less from daniel.

"was it really like that?"

i nodded, taking a long chug from my water bottle. "it was like that. all fucking night long. he didn't even let me get on the bed until he was done."

"my, my, my, it's always the ones who look innocent that are the most freaky," jojo remarked, shaking her head. "and while you were getting it on with daniel, tattoo face has been blowing up my phone."

"jinyoung?"

"whatever his name is."

sometimes i wish that i could be like jojo - so caught up in her own world, independent, free of need to feel important or appreciated. maybe that's why people were just so drawn to her. i, on the other hand, craved attention and daniel didn't mind giving it to me. we fit each other.

TOGETHER. that's the way we were mostly found. tangled in between daniel's sheets, wrapped in each other's arms, clinging to one other ― where one went, the other followed. his friends soon became mine and my one (1) friend became theirs. just like that we became connected and feeling that connection was something worth risking for in life.

"mm baby wake up... i have to take you to school." the low, gravelly voice stirred me from my sleep but i didn't have enough motivation to open my eyes. last night, i had sneakily set an alarm on daniel's phone titled "wake y/n up for school" ― not that i couldn't have done it myself, i just thought it would be nice to be woken up by daniel this morning.

i stretched out my arms and laid my head atop his. "i don't wanna go to school," i murmured softly with a yawn. daniel grinned and snuggled closer to me, his arms snaking around my waist so that my back was pressed against his bare chest.

"okay."

my eyes fluttered open as i yawned again. "you're supposed to tell me that i have to go."

daniel propped himself up on his elbow, brushing the strands of hair out of my eyes. "why would i do that? i want to lie in bed with you all day long, maybe fuck you back to sleep." it may have been too early in the morning to be affected by daniel's words but they hovered around my body, squeezing my insides right down to my very core.

i reached up, wrapping my arms around his neck and he lowered his head, trailing kisses down my jaw and shoulder. daniel could never waste enough time getting me undressed, hands ghosting along my skin, his lips worshiping me like i was something divine. my fingers running through his hair and his fingers complimenting all my curves and edges.

between us was electricity and friction, silence being broken only by my soft whimpers for i could no longer handle the enticing touch of his body and craved more than just that.

then a sudden interruption came with the opening of the door and nicholas's voice informing us that they were going out to eat breakfast. "what the fuck, nick!" daniel exclaimed, throwing a pillow at his friend before covering me with his body. "do you mind?"

nicholas just yawned, bored. "how am i supposed to know she slept over?"

"as if you couldn't hear us last night."

"ok just get ready, we're leaving now." he shook his head and walked out the door. i wanted daniel to get closer, to bury my face in his tousled hair, his hands to dutifully commend my body. but instead he sat up, checking his phone.

i sighed, wrapping the blanket around my bare chest. "you didn't lock your door?"

daniel smiled sheepishly. "i guess i forgot?"

"or did you want someone to find us?" i asked seriously. "you act like our sex life is to be shared with the entire world."

"shouldn't it be?"

"only if you wanna put a label on it," i murmured quietly so he wouldn't be able to hear me. daniel was so obviously into exhibition and i found it strange how he didn't mind his friends walking in on us, knowing about us, what we chose to do together.

daniel talked about things while we were in the car; things i only cared about because he cared about them. somehow what was special to him meant something to me because it was a side of him i never knew existed, yet loved all the same. and because his bros were a big part of his life, they became a part of mine - like i finally found a proper family.

"hey - um," daniel started when we stopped in front of my school building. i stopped in the process of slipping on my bag to turn and look at him. "i wanted to ask you something."

i became interested. "what is it?"

daniel sighed, looking down at his lip as if he was unsure about something. "i just thought... let's make it official? do you want to be my girlfriend?" i didn't know what to say. i assumed we were already dating with the amount of time we spent with each other, on his bed but i guess he felt differently.

when i didn't reply, daniel continued. "i mean, i've been hooking up with girls but i'm sick of them coming onto me like i've got nothing better to do... it's different with you."

"oh..." i faltered, knowing i should have expected something like that. it was just the most daniel thing to do.

"do you not wanna?"

"no! i mean, yes... yes of course i want to be your girlfriend," i told him, lacing my fingers through his. "but... we haven't even been on a proper date yet."

daniel grinned, pulling me closer just to press his lips against mine, tugging on my bottom lip before i moved away. "then where would you like to go? hm, baby?"

i thought about it for a second. "monet's diner? it's like at the edge of downtown."

"of all the nice places in ventura, you want to go to a diner?"

unlike daniel, i still wasn't familiar with the boujee lifestyle that came like second nature to him. i've never owned anything expensive and never wanted more than what life had to offer me. maybe being with daniel would mean having to change all that.

"the last time i ate there was with my mom," i explained, looking down at my schoolbag, playing with zipper. "i just never had someone else to go there with... until now."

daniel reached up and touched my cheek, probably the most gentle gesture of affection he'd ever shown. "then we'll go there."

[idontevenknowme-posts]

How-to-Really-Know-Someone Questions Tag!

How do you feel about birthdays? hate them

Do you believe in fate? no 

What do you think when a band/artist “sells out”? nice for them

What do you think of fans and fandoms? strange

Any specific personality traits you would like to see in your life partner? dk

Should parents be their child’s friends? no, they should be parents. 

What do you think of doctor-assisted suicide? should be allowed everywhere

Have you ever blown your top? Why? what? 

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 18

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? i’d say i disagree

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint? a house in france i once lived in

In the case of prevention of overpopulation, should some people be prohibited from reproducing? no 

You discover that because of a mix-up at the hospital, your wonderful one-year-old child is not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake? jeez i really dont know 

Have you ever seen a person, an animal, or something else die? How did you feel about it? no 

What is the most drastic thing you’ve done? cut myself

What are your favorite movies? dk 

What is your favorite body part? shoulders

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because we are dumb af

How important is music in your life? very

How would you describe your father in four words? intelligent, caring, respectful and awesome

If you were to change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be? my height

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? no not really. my bf maybe

What is your favorite kind of flower and why? roses cus they’re pretty

What do you think about the death penalty? dk

What is your ideal day? dk 

How thin/fat, small/large, tall/short are you compared to your peers? i think im fat

If you were a book, what would it be? a depressing one 

Have you ever seen a dead person before? How did you feel about it? no 

Which is worse, failing or never trying? failing to me 

Have you ever taken care of a sick person? yes

Who are the people who have influenced you? my parents 

Which of the four cardinal virtues do you embody the most? dk

What are some things you like about your sibling? she’s beautiful inside out. 

Would you save an extremely talented musician who has the influence to promote good values for the world or a pregnant woman in a situation where it is certain you must choose one over the other? the pregnant woman

If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it? idk.. maybe yes. but i ‘d love it no matter what

What would it take someone to make you feel really fulfilled? to love me unconditionally and show me 

Do you daydream a lot? What do you daydream about? no  

If you were at a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in the salad, what would you do? just hide it lol 

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? not honest. 

Do you look like any celebrities? no i dont think so 

What activities do you enjoy? running 

Would you place education as a top priority? yes 

If you had a Death Note, would you use it? yes 

How do you feel about your gender? Does the normal male/female suit you? How much do you act like your supposed sex/gender? yeah i think im quite femaleish

What things have made you cry in the past? i cry easily, so a lot of things

Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” everything 

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? attractive yes  

Who was your best teacher in school? What did you learn? What would they say about you? my math teacher. he was just wise on life. 

How would you like affection to be displayed to you? dk

Do you think someone could love more than one person at once? love? yes. but not be IN love. 

When did you start discovering your own music taste? What was it? youth i guess.. pop 

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time? cry 

If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you? yes... 

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? meditate

What is your greatest accomplishment so far? dk 

Describe the ultimate hell. my life now

What is one event that has impacted your life for good? For bad? dont know

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. good: overthinking, overeating and selfdetruction. bad: turning words into actions, stand up for myself and socialise. 

Describe the ultimate paradise/heaven. just being happy with oneself

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? yes 

What do you think about following your dreams? Are you following your dreams? no 

How would you like to die? happy

Are you able to kill animals? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? only mosquitos etc 

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? when i get to sleep, tuesday, june. 

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? not close. no. 

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? my bf 

What do you feel guilty about? my illness

What do you believe makes a successful life? being happy with oneself. 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? avoid conflict

While parking late at night, you slightly scrape the side of a Porsche. You are certain no one else is aware of what happened. The damage is minor and would be covered by insurance. Would you leave a note? no 

What is the one thing that you love the most about yourself? nothing

Would you try smoking? Alcohol? Why? have done

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? hopefully done with my education, living with my bf and maybe having my first child

Would you try drugs? What kind? Why? no 

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? everything 

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose? dont know 

What’s the first thing that compels you to an individual? their way of talking to others

Who are your closest friends and why are you friends with them? i have no friends

Do you like having children around you? yes if they ar well-behaved

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for? mask party or halloween

Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?  no 

Would you like to be famous? In what way? no 

Define a “friend”. someone who supports you in good and bad times. 

What are some risky sports/activities you would want to try? Why? bungeejumping. the kick. 

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? few days ago, and yesterday. 

What would you name the autobiography of your life? “the truth about me”

What was the most cherished memory that you had growing up with your mother? some of our vacations

Where do you stand on religion and why? i dont believe in any religion

How do you deal with stress? i dont LOL 

How do you feel about being alone while eating lunch at school? What about a whole day alone? usually how it is. its boring af but you get used to it

What are your favorite books? dnt know

Would you save an extremely talented musician (whom you like) who has the influence to promote good values for the world or your father in a situation where it is certain you must choose one over the other? my father ofc

How similar are you and your sibling in personality? Appearance? not at ALL similar

Have you ever woken in the middle of the night and done something apart from going back to sleep? yes

What music do you like but do not identify with (guilty pleasures)? rock 

How do you feel about parties? like them 

Can you sing seriously in a nonmusical situation? no

What music do you like and identify with? pop 

How easily seasick/carsick/airsick/elevatorsick are you? veryyyy

What are your pet peeves? when people walk really slow or chew really loud or talk slow. 

Read anything interesting lately? nope

How do you display your affection? idk

When you get home from work, what would you like someone close to you to do or say in the first few minutes? “i missed you” 

Do you get along with people who are from different backgrounds? yes

If you were to change one thing about your personality, what would it be? less naive

What is the most drastic thing you’ve thought of doing? suicide 

How attractive are you in comparison to your peers? not attractive

If you could influence people like a celebrity does, how would you use it for the benefit of the planet? be NICER to others. be HONEST. 

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? most people tbh

Have you ever done any charitable acts? yes

When you were young, what was the thing that you wanted to be when you grew up? Why? teacher cause i liked school 

What should you never say, even in anger and frustration? “kill yourself”

What would constitute a perfect day for you? dk

What do you like to do in your spare time/on weekends? be with my bf

How do you feel about having kids one day? id like that

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? i dont think so, unless my loved ones were threatened. 

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? no

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? idk

If you learned that a good friend has AIDS, would you avoid him? What if your brother or sister had AIDS? no. 

What makes you cry? lots of things

What do you think about sports? love it 

How and when are abortions okay? they are always okay. 

If you were sure you could not fail, what would you attempt to do? suicide.

What were you like as a child? How would your parents or other people describe you as a child? i was ego af and attentionseeking.

What would you give up for lent? dk

What do you appreciate most about your life? nothing really

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? no one... maybe my sister

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? both my parents cuz i love them

Who are your heroes/idols and why? none

If you were to win $10 million, what would you do with all that money? travel 

Would you still be a relationship with someone who cheated on you? depends. 

How do you think your family environment growing up has affected you as a person? i’ve become very eager to feel save, so I need to be with someone. I dont like to depend on myself. 

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor? dk

Which of the seven cardinal sins do you embody the most? dk

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? dont depend on others. 

[mentalrubikzcube-blog]

Confront Yourself Ch. 2

Chapter 2 We arrived at the hospital and I was rushed inside. I only caught a few images of what was going on because my eyes were still very strained and sore. My head was also still trying to work up the strength to make sense of all of this. Daya stayec at my side. She was alwats there for me. I even saw Spitz there. Daya threw him out. Apparently there was a bit more to the story. Daya woukd later on confide in me that Spitz originally was gonna bring me to the hospital in his car and as he was "helping" me in he got rather "handsy". Daya had been looking for me and checked if I was smoking, which was the go to spot if I'm not waitressing. She saw Spitz and called the police and 911. I was completely unconcious the whole time and dont remember the assault or the fainting. It had to be from lack of sleep. Once the nicotine hit my sytem combined with Spitz's rage, I guess it was too much and I collapsed. I cant belive, well actually I can, but still. How could you take advantage of your employmee? Who am I kidding, its Connor Spitzman were talking about. Scoundrel extrordinare. After sometime in the ICU, I was aloud to go home and told to get rest and take a week off work. Daya stressed to the nurse that she would make sure I made a full recovery. She definitely would hold hold up her end of the bargin. She took me home and tucked me into bed. Very little was said. We both knew that I needed to just rest. What was there to talk sbout anyway, it had been a traumatic day for us both. She needed rest just like I did. When I suggested she stay the night she about cried. Daya was one of the few who knew that extending an invitation like that wasnt common for me. She thanked me and got the couch ready for her to sleep later. After a wonderful dinner of chicken cordon bleu and golden potatoes we both headed to bed. I fell back into my deep space sleep. It felt good to let go and finally recharge. As I lay there, I Kofeel tears roll down my cheeks. Why am I crying?  I thought to myself. I wiped them away and fell again into my comatose sleep. Numb. Black. Perfect. Serene. Gone too quick. Before I knew it Daya had brought me breakfast in bed. Waffles, eeggs, bacon, mixed berries, orange juice, even a side of cinnamon butter, and finally a little vase with wildflowers. The works. "Wow, thanks D." I was so grateful to gave someone who cared about me so much. She smiled and headed out of the room. Returning with my Firefly mug filled with rich Columbine coffee. "Three packs of sugar and just enough cream to coat your throught so you can drink more, right?" Daya chuckled I smiled. She knew me so well. Now before you getbthe wrong idea. No, she is not my girlfriend. She is however my best friend and I would literally die without her. She keeps me grounded and I do my best to do the same for her. After breakfast, coffee, and a morning smoke I wanna get out and go for a walk. If I'm gonna be on sick leave then I atleast wanna get some fresh air and get outside. That's the best way to feel better if youre system is upset. I tried to go for walks whenever I need to clear my head or just feel better in general. As I was getting ready Daya was in my ear telling me about how what if I fainted again and that I needed to be careful, I assured her I would be and she finally relented and let me go on my walk. I walked up the street and around a few corners. I passed pretty neighborhoods and not so pretty ones. I finally came upon a small strip mall. I wondered along the siewalk gazing st the colorful and vast stores that were included by one another. Matress store. Carribean dining. Hat repair place. Subway. I kept walking and then I saw a shop worth looking into, it was called Miss Lovely Lovely's Curio Cabinet. From the outside it looked like a vintage bookstore. I opened the door and it triggered a little bell. A lady emerged from a chair and greeted me warming then the sun after a long frost, "Hello traveler, may I offer you some Egyptian cinnamon tea?" She was a very sweet old lady. She had long almost transparent white hair and her eyes were an emerald green. Very shiny and flawless. "No thank you." I repiled. I looked around the shop in amazement. There were so many things. Clothes, books, toys, trinkets galore, and so much more. "Look around dear and let me know if you need anything." She said sitting back down. I did just that. This place was fasicinating. Vintage and modern stuff mingled together. It was beautiful and kept blinking thinking it was a dream. How have I not been here before? I ask myself. After looking at the jewlery and clothes, I gravitate to the books. After looking throught many titles I was compelled to ask her if she had a book that could help me sleep. That space sleep was temporary and I know it. "Ma'am, do have anything about insomnia?" She smiledcat my request. She disappered to the back and reappeared with a small brown leather bound book without a name. "I was hoping you would have come sooner, Reylnn Yorfath." Shd said my name, How did she know my name? I pondered in horror "Wwww-ho arrrrre you?" I stuttered "Miss Lovely Lovely of course." She chuckled "I go by many names, but that isnt important, you need this book to fix what you have broken." I didnt know what to do, so I accepted the book with no name and looked it over. It was rather tiny snd the pages were stained from the years. It also had a vintage air about it. Flipping through I saw that many of the paragraphs had multiple sentences underlined. It was very intriguing. I still didnt understsnd how she knew my name, but I wanted that book. "Hhhhh-ow much?" I asked, sounding like an idiot "No dear, this is a gift, before you can be at peace you must confront yourself." She said lovingly "Thank you." I said quietly tucking the book into my purse, I slowly made my way out of the store still amazed and looking around. Once outside I immediately light a cigarette. What just happened? I asked myself I began to make my way back to the house before Daya got worried. When I got to the front door, I looked in the window and saw Daya was sitting on the couch reading a book. I love the way her hair shimmers in the sun. To be honest I might have a slight crush on Daya, but I would never tell her. It woukd ruin our friendship. Anyway, I make my way inside and greeted her. She immediately started into how far I walkdd and if I took breaks as to not get too tired and pass out again. "Yes, Mom, I made sure to be careful." I teased her, she got a little frustrated but eventually laughed it off. I set my things down and told her about the little shop. She had never hesrd of it before. Weirdly, she checked the internet for it but there was nothing as if it didnt even exsist. Then Daya became a litte worried and asked me, "Are you sure you went there? Maybe your head is messing with you. I told you, you needed more rest." Daya huffed and looked at me concerned. I had left out the part about the book thinking she would freak out, I was even happier now I hadnt. I knew what I saw. It was real. Everything happened just like that. But then I began to question. Had I really gone there? Theres nominternet listing and my mind has been being weird lately. I swore it really happened thought. It seemed so real. Thoughts swirled around my head and I knew I had to see if I had the book. But I didnt want Daya to see and ask me about it. She woukd think I was crazy. I said rather shyly, "Well, I'm gonna go get some rest then. I guess my head is just still messed up. Anyway thanks Daya." Then I slipped away to my room with my purse. Once insixe inside I closed the door and locked it. I put the purse on the bed and stuck my hand inside. I felt my wallet, perfume, sunglasses, smokes, lighter, and other odds and ends. Where was the book? Had I really imagined all of that? I began to think to myself. Suddenly I panicked and thought once more, Am I going crazy? Did I hit my head harder then I thought? Is this insomnia eating away at my memory and thought patterns? I started to shake a bit, but I looked once more in my purse. Wallet, keys, sunglasses, BOOK! It was there. How had I skipped it the first time? Or was my mind just playing tricks on me again? I didnt know. All I knew was that I had the book and now I could finally cure my insomnia. I sat on the bed and began to read. I was shocked by how accurate and headon this stuff was. Before I knew it Daya was knocking on my door for dinner. I stashed the book under my pillow. Because for whatever reason I didnt wanna spark her curiosity. I wanted this treasure all to myself. I unlocked the door and met Daya in the living room. Waiting for me was shrimp and rigatoni. It smelled amazing. I couldnt wait to dive in. Daya gave me the pills the doctor perscribed and we ate. After a great meal and equally great converstaion we both agreed it was time for bed. "You need anything?" Daya asked as I was brushing my teeth. I shook my head. We echanged goodnights and she shut of the lights. I slid into my room, anxious to see what else the book said. Already it had me addicted. I was somewhat experiencing withdrawl when at dinner. Which I thin was more guilt then anything. I wanted to tell Daya, I really did, but I knew she wouldnt understand. So I would keep it to myself until I knew for sure it cured me of this insanity which I was desperately on the brink of. I read to myself, "Life is defined as the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones and from inorganic matter, characterized chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli. The period between birth and death. But to Live means something else entirely. Live is defined as to remain alive, be alive, to exsist in a specified way. We all are given Life, but seldom do any of us Live. We need to live. Be alive and go out and enjoy the world. Get out of our comfort zones. Aid our fellow man and conquer the earth the way The Creator intended. For out Creator is Life and we only Live through Him. For the wages of sin are death, but the Gift of our Creator is Eternal Life through His Son. All you must do is believe." I shut the book and rolled my eyes, "Great, a religious book, but still how did she know I was gonna come in there, I mean Im sure she gives everyone the same book but how did she know my name?" I wondered to myself, I didnt know how to explain all of it, so I decided to try an sleep. I place the book on my nightstand, roll over, and pull the blanket up. Maybe I'd give the book another chance tomorrow, even for being a religious book it wasnt bad. I fade into a deep sleep and I'm standing in a meadow. The breeze is light and airy. I gaze around at the cloud filled blue sky and the crisp green grass benath me. Out of nowhere I hear a voice say, "Do not be afraid, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring, and My blessing on your descendants. They will spring upnlike grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. I am the First and the Last. Apart from Me there is nothing. All who make idolsare nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame. No one stops to think, 'Is not this thing in my hand a lie?' Such a person feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him, he cannot save himself. I have made you,  you are My servant. I have swept away your offenses lime a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Creator has done this. Shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all you trees, for the Creator has redeemed you, He displays His Glory before you. Be gratious and humble becore your Creator!" While the voice spoke everything around me was changing constantly. Before I knew it I was no long err in the meadow but up in space looking at earth from above. Just floating along in space with no problems. Then suddenly I was in the mountains looking down on the majesticness of the world down below. Then suddenly I was deep in the woods and the wind wooshed about creating a harmonious rhythm through the branches and the leaves. I was amazed by everything I saw. Out of nowhere there was a flash of lightning and booming of thunder. I instinctively dropped down out of fright. I heard the same voice one more and it spoked louder now, "I am the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the end, there is nothing without Me. Nothing! Bow before your Creator you miserable creation." I got down on my knees and bowed, and in the blink of an eye I was back in my apartment in my bed like nothin happened. What just happened? I thought to myself. I fell back asleep after much tossing and turning, no crazy dreams this time. Just a deep deep deep sleep.