#the counselors looked so tired during the class today I felt kind of bad

[the-worms-in-your-bones]

Got hit with the realization today that some of the kids I’ve been teaching this summer were born in 2020 and I just had to sit there and think about that for a minute

[ningningsdream]

keep it low | mk.l

pairing: music student!mark x music student!fem reader

genre: fluff, angst, roommates-to-lovers

word count: 6.5k

warning(s): swearing, maybe a little suggestive (mention of making out and implicit allusion to sex but no smut)

description: in which you didn’t expect to also be a love counselor when you moved in with your new roommate.

a/n: this is apart of my new series of roommates-to-lovers with the dreamies, sweet life

main masterlist

when you were younger, you’ve always expected to stick with your best friends after highschool, having the best uni experience together, being roommates and all but you never expected almost all of them to either go study abroad or in a university far away from yours. you went to Seoul Music University, a prestigious school you had the chance to attend thanks to your good grades and the entrance interview you nailed a few months before receiving your acceptance letter. the only ‘bad thing’ about being accepted at SMU was that you lived really far away from Seoul but one of your friends who knew people at SMU told you that there was this building known to house a lot of students from the university. even though the building wasn’t linked to the school, it was treated as if it was part of it since most of the person living in that building went to SMU because it was literally five minutes away from the university.

you asked your friend to ask her friends at SMU if they knew anyone who needed a roommate and that was how you ended up with mark lee’s number.

you: hey, is this mark?

possible future roommate: uhm yes? who is this?

you: im y/n, my friend gave me your number because your friends said you were looking for a roommate? and im actually looking for a place to live

possible future roommate: oh right!

possible future roommate: do you want to come see the place tomorrow?

you: mmh yeah that would be great

possible future roommate: great, just text me when you’re downstairs, i’ll come and get you

you: you’re not a creepy dude that’s going to kill me right?

possible future roommate: no

possible future roommate: even if i was, i wouldn’t admit it

you: really reassuring 😭

the first time you met mark, let’s just say that you didn’t expect him to look like that. you didn’t know what you were expecting but surely not a cute guy with glasses and a dorky smile. as for mark, he almost fell on the floor when he first saw you -literally, his feet somehow got tangled-, he was nervous about the possible idea of having a girl as a roommate. to end the awkward silence he asked you questions about yourself which you returned.

mark learned that you were starting your first year at SMU, that you were going to study musical analysis and songwriting and that you needed a place to stay because your hometown was far away whereas you learned that mark was already in his second year at SMU making him one year older than you, that he was studying musical composition and sounds aesthetics and that his ex-roommate moved out to move in with his girlfriend.

mark gave you a little apartment tour which was surprisingly pretty neat. it was a lot bigger and more luminous than you expected. the room that was supposed to be yours was simple yet cozy. mark told you everything you needed to know about the rent, the neighbors, etc. and you agreed to be his roommate.

living with mark was pretty simple at first. you two didn’t really get out of your rooms so you wouldn’t interact often, just short greetings when you bumped into each other in the hallway or the kitchen. but the peaceful atmosphere changed when uni started. you two saw each other even less than before, having different majors and different schedules but you sure were hearing him more.

well not him, his music.

it was pretty soft at first, you could barely hear it but as weeks passed by, the volume became louder and louder. you would sometimes go to his door, knocking on it with an annoyed expression on your face but every time he would open the door with this apologetic face, looking at you like a stray puppy with his doe eyes while apologizing for the noise, promising to turn it down, you couldn’t be mad at him, not with that face.

every morning for the past month, you needed a cup of coffee - even though you hated coffee - to stay awake all day long.

“why are you so sleepy again?”, lia, the only friend that followed you throughout your entire life, asked you as she saw your half-open eyelids.

“my roommate stayed up so late, blasting his music through the speakers in his room. i’m still surprised we didn’t have any complaints yet.”, you said, before putting a hand on your mouth to yawn.

“tell him to turn it down.”

“already tried but it seems like he instinctively turns it back up gradually.”

“then tell him to shut his freaking music off so you could get some beauty sleep.”

“can’t.”

“why?”

“because he always looks at me so apologetically that i can’t get angry.”

“girl, you have a crush on him or something?”

“nah, he just has that kind of face, you know?”

one night, apart from the beats and music coming from mark’s room, you also heard his voice, stopping mid-sentence every time to see if the lyrics were good. this time the song was a lot slower and softer than the usual stuff he would do so instead of keeping you awake, it kind of lull you to sleep. the next morning, you felt refreshed and more energetic as you had your eight hours of sleep.

“you looked better today girl! what happened?”, lia asked enthusiastically as you sat down next to her.

“finally got a good night of sleep.”

during your classes, from time to time, your brain would hum what you identified as mark’s song from last night, lyrics popping here and there in your brain, a mix of the one you heard from him and new ones you just made up. you wrote them down on a random piece of paper as they seemed to be stuck in your brain.

later that day, you were sitting on your bed while going through the list of first years in the composition class to find a partner for this project you have to do for your writing class. every year, students from these two classes would collaborate to create a song and it was supposed to represent 35% of your semester’s grade so it was pretty important. to choose a partner, your professors had made this list thing where they put the students’ music profiles next to their name so that everyone can collaborate with someone that had the same interests musically. the few students you managed to pick already had a partner and the process of selecting other students was already tiring you.

as you were about to dive in the list again you heard mark’s voice starting to sing the same song that lulled you to sleep. you could clearly hear the hesitation in his voice as the lyrics came out. your eyes wandered to the stacks on notebooks on your desk in which was the piece of paper you wrote lyrics to his song on and you thought about it for a moment. should you give him the lyrics you wrote or should you just let him do his thing? after all, he never meant to share the song with you.

after a hot minute of thinking, you stood up and went to your desk, taking the piece of paper out of one of your notebooks and headed to mark’s room.

when he heard the knock on his door, mark thought he knew what you wanted to tell him. he thought it was the usual 'can you turn it down?’ question so he opened the door and went, “i’m sorr-”, but you interrupted him by giving him the paper with the lyrics on it before going back to your room without saying anything. mark stood there with a frown on his face, trying to understand what just happened. he looked at the piece of paper you just gave him and recognized some of his lyrics along with unknown ones. he started to sing it in his head as he closed the door walking to his desk and decided to give it a try with the music.

you sat on your bed, waiting impatiently for his next move. a few seconds later, you heard mark singing the lyrics you gave him to his instrumental and found yourself smiling at how good it was. satisfied with how smooth the song sounded now without mark interrupting himself every second, trying to find better words, you were about to dive right back in that list of students, determined to find a partner when your roommate barged into your room.

“sure mark, come in.”, you said, sarcastically rolling your eyes.

“sorry…”, he quickly apologized, rubbing the back of his neck, “the lyrics you gave me, how-”

“i can hear everything coming from your room mark, the lyrics just popped in my head this morning as your song was stuck in my brain.”

“it’s- it’s really good. the lyrics.”

“well thanks. i am studying that after all.”

“i- uhm…are you busy right now?”, he asked, his shyness taking over his body.

“oh uhm i have to find a partner for that composition-songwriting project.”, you sighed before turning your attention back to the list.

mark nodded a little bit disappointed. he wanted to ask you if you wanted to maybe, possibly help him with his song but since you were busy with that project- wait, he too had the same project to do.

“do you want to do it with me?”, mark’s voice suddenly surprised you as you thought he already left.

“what?”, you asked because you didn’t really hear his question as your focus was on your laptop.

“the project. want to do it together?”, he asked, full of hope.

“aren’t we supposed to do it with someone from our year?”

“i’ll ask mr.kim if i can do it with you, only if you want to though.”, he said, rubbing the back of his neck. you nodded with a smile. now, you could stop going through that hell of a list. after receiving a positive answer from your professors, you and mark started to work on your song.

at first, you thought that the two of you would just work on the project, you didn’t expect to actually get to know your roommate more. you spent the last few nights in mark’s bedroom, working on your song while having some extra fun because your roommate was unexpectedly a bigger dork than you thought.

“how about we change these lyrics to those?”, you suggested, showing mark the two sentences.

the song you were making was supposed to be a sad and heartbreaking one and you wanted the lyrics to hit deep in people’s soul.

“damn girl, who hurt you?”, mark’s question made you smile, satisfied with his reaction.

you yawned a few minutes later, falling onto mark’s bed while stretching, “i’m just going to rest my eyes for five minutes. if i fall asleep, wake me up.”

you opened your eyes and it was the next morning, you panicked for a moment before remembering that it was sunday and that you didn’t have any classes to attend. you rubbed your eyes and looked around the room but saw no trace of mark. you heard some rustling in the kitchen so you walked out of mark’s room, stopping by the bathroom before joining your roommate in the kitchen.

“why didn’t you wake me up?”

“you were so cute, i didn’t want to wake you up.”, your ears perked up at the compliment while mark was trying to correct himself out of embarrassment, “i-i-i mean peaceful, yeah peaceful, you looked peaceful. anyway, breakfast?”

you smiled at how dorky he was, realizing what you’ve been missing out on during the first part of your semester.

“what’s for breakfast?”

“i tried to make eggs but they didn’t turn out great…gordon ramsay would be ashamed.”, mark said, rubbing the back of his neck with a little embarrassed smile.

“it can’t be worse than your curry that smelled like burned chicken.”, you commented, thinking about the time your roommate said he would try and cook something new but it turned out real bad and you just ended up ordering jajangmyeon.

“it wasn’t that bad.”, he corrected softly, earning a look from you which made him admit the disaster that was his attempt at cooking.

“oh by the way, where did you sleep?”

“on the couch.”

“that must have been so uncomfortable, you don’t even fit on the couch! you could’ve just lied beside me, it’s no big deal.”

“i’m a sleep cuddler, didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“i wouldn’t have minded the cuddling.”, you jokingly shrugged as mark felt his ears becoming redder and redder. you took a bite of his eggs and frowned a bit, “they are surprisingly okay.”

the more time you spent with mark, the more you learned to love these little things about him, like how he would get excited and laugh his heart out while clapping hard or kicking his legs or how he played his music a little too loud at night because 1. you were now in the room with him and not trying to sleep and 2. you admired how dedicated he was to his music. even if you still asked him to keep it low when you went back to your room, you would always smile when you heard his music increasing slowly.

mark would also slowly get more comfortable around you, letting his weird but cute little quirks come out more often like now when you two go grocery shopping together he didn’t have to hide his excitement every time he saw watermelons.

“you wanna grab dinner tonight?”, lia aked you as you sat next to her in class.

“sorry, i can’t tonight. mark and i are staying late to record our song for the project.”, you said with a little pout.

“oh so you and mark huh? you’ve become quite close.”, lia wiggled her eyebrows at you, subtly hinting at something.

“well yeah, he’s my roommate after all.”, you simply reply, ignoring her teasing.

“you were still calling him 'your roommate’ a few months ago, i didn’t even know his name was mark.”, lia deadpanned.

“i just need time to get to know people.”

“i’m sure you two will really get to know each other in that dark studio all alone.”

“one, nothing is going to happen and two, we’re not going to be alone, mark asked his friend to sing the demo so we’re not going to be alone.”

“mmmh i still ship it though.”, your friend smirked before turning back to writing her notes.

after your last class of the day, you went back to your apartment to take a shower and chill a little, waiting for mark’s 6pm class to end.

sucky cook 🍳: my class ends in 15 minutes, meet me in front of the room?

you grabbed your bag, put your shoes on, and made your way to mark’s classroom on the composition side of the campus. you took a peek into each classroom to see if mark was in there -thanks to the little window on the door. when you finally spotted him, you waited patiently for five minutes before the door opened, startling you.

“it’s me.”, the familiar laugh made you frown and hit the arm of the person it belonged to.

“marrrk, you scared me! you could’ve opened the door softer goddamnit!”, you complained as you two walked to the studios’ area.

“oh come on, you scaredy-cat.”, he said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and messing your freshly dried hair up.

after you two stopped by the studio reservation office to grabbed the key card of the studio you two reserved for that day, you entered the little dark studio and started to prepare the tracks and everything.

mark’s friend, donghyuck, arrived a few minutes later and introduced himself to you. you discovered that donghyuck was your age and that he wasn’t really a singer or anything, mark just liked the tone of his voice which you agree with. you three were so concentrated on the recording that you didn’t even notice how many hours had passed by until your stomach growled.

“oh wow it’s 8pm already. we should take a break and get something to eat.”, you said after looking at the time on your phone.

“don’t worry, i already took care of that. i texted my roommate to bring us some food.”, donghyuck said.

“oh by the way, your voice is really nice. have you considered being a singer professionally?”, you asked him while you three waited for donghyuck’s roommate.

“no, not really. i didn’t really know that i knew how to sing until mark made a comment about it.”

“you should really consider the option though. i’ve never heard a voice like yours, it’s really unique and recognizable. honestly, you could make it as a singer.”

“it’s not that special…”, mark quietly said, hiding the sulkiness in his voice.

donghyuck eyed mark as the two of you started to argue -not really- on donghyuck’s voice with you being almost more offended at mark’s comment than the one it was about. the younger boy’s eyes went back and forth between the two of you as he would slowly start to realize something.

mark was the first one to tell him that his voice was great and was always the one who praised the uniqueness of his tone so why the sudden change?

was mark lee…jealous?

donghyuck was trying to hide his smile at the thought of a jealous mark lee when you all heard a knock on the door. donghyuck opened it, being the closest one to the door and revealing a short girl behind it, holding bags of food.

“you’re lucky i owe you big time.”, his roommate said, handing him two bags that donghyuck hurriedly took.

“you kids enjoy this.”, he said, putting one of them on the mini table, and then he turned back to his roommate, pushing her outside the studio, “we have to be somewhere.”

before his roommate could even protest, donghyuck had already closed the door, leaving mark and you alone with a lot of questions going through your head.

you two started to eat while talking about your lives, “so how did you meet donghyuck?”

“oh he knew one of my friends, johnny, and we met at a party of his. i thought he was a brat at first.”, mark replied, earning a laugh from you.

“what about now?”

“he’s still a brat…but he’s also one of my closest friends. i-”, mark was interrupted by his phone ringing but when he checked who was calling him, you could see the hesitation in his eyes before he declined it, “sorry, i’m going to put it on mute.”

after mark’s little story about donghyuck puking on his shoes once when he was drunk, not because on the alcohol but just because he wanted to, you two went back to your songs.

“maybe right there we can enhance the-”, mark stopped again in the middle of his sentence to look at the caller id on his phone for what seemed like the hundredth time to you.

along with the calls he has also received some messages which you didn’t read because you respected his private life and at that moment, it was maybe because of your tiredness or just the annoyance of that caller that didn’t seem to understand that mark was busy but you said, “you can answer it if you want.”

“nah, it’s okay. i don’t want to talk to that person.”, mark replied, giving you a sad little smile which you wondered the meaning behind it.

mark continued his explanation and you started exchanging ideas when the caller id appeared, again.

enough was enough for you.

you took mark’s phone and answered the call, “hello, can you stop calling please? we’ll really appreciate it, thank you.”, you didn’t even wait for the caller’s response and immediately hung up.

a sudden feeling of guilt took over you as you realized you’ve just invaded his private life. you shouldn’t have answered that call for him.

without even noticing it you started to ramble, “i-i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have done that. i overstepped-”

“it’s alright, it’s alright. if anything i have to thank you.”, mark reassured you even though you still felt a little bad about the situation.

after you answered that call, the person stopped bothering mark and you managed to finish your song that night. you felt so relieved after that, you had more time to rest and more time to hang out with lia, it felt like forever since the two of you hung out.

“so tell me everything about you and mark? how is it going?”, lia asked, dropping the delivery food you two ordered on her coffee table.

you and lia decided to have a movie night but it was more of a 'catch-me-up-on-everything-happening-in-your-life’ night while you were both eating fried chicken.

“i already told you! there’s nothing between mark and me.”

“you sure of that? nothing happened? at all? not even a tiny teeny thing?”

“well…”

“i knew it! tell me everything!”

“it’s nothing, really, nothing at all. there was just that one time, we were taking a break from the song for our project and i spotted the guitar in the corner of his room so i asked him if he knew how to play. he said yes and you know me i always talk about my life so i told him that i’ve always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. then he handed it to me and told me it was easy, he started to teach me the basic notes and everything, it even came to a point where his arms were around me because he was putting my fingers in the right places and when i turned to look at him, our faces were so close.”, lia let out a little squeal at your story, “but nothing happened!”, you clarified as your friend’s expression changed from excited to disappointed.

“why not?!”

“because- because we’re roommates!”

“so what?”

“it will be awkward if we broke up. i’m really not ready to find another roommate.”, you explained.

“but what if you’re missing on something?”, your friend argued, not wanting you to regret anything.

“i’ve never been really lucky in that area of my life…”, you stated, reminiscing your past relationship.

“you know it’s been a long time right? you have the right to try with someone new.”, lia reassured you, knowing exactly where your mind was going.

“i know but we were so good together, i don’t know if i can ever find someone like him.”

“y/n, sweetie, you’re not supposed to find someone like him. just find someone who can make you as happy as he did if not even happier.”

“i have you, that’s enough.”, you said, wrapping your arms around lia.

“my girlfriend would not agree with that.”, lia replied with a chuckle.

“why not? we could be the hottest throuple.”, you retorted jokingly.

“never suggest that to my girlfriend, she might accept.”, lia said, making the both of you laugh.

before it got too late, you left lia’s apartment to go back to yours. luckily, her building was just a couple of minutes away from yours, so it didn’t take you long to come back to your dorm. when the elevator’s doors opened, you got out and walked to your door while texting lia that you got home safely but when you looked up, you saw mark and another girl kissing in front of your shared apartment’s door. you froze for a moment as your eyes widened, your phone slipped out of your hands and fell to the ground, causing a big and loud noise to erupt, making the couple stop in their heated action.

“i-i-”, you stuttered, picking your phone up from the ground, “i am so sorry. i-i’m going to go…uhm…you guys…continue what you were doing-”

“no, please stay. she was going to leave.”, mark said, without an ounce of emotion in his voice but his eyes were begging you.

the girl eyed you then mark and left without saying a word. mark walked back into your apartment, letting the door open for you to enter. you closed the door and removed your shoes before turning around ready to apologize again but when you did so, mark had already disappeared into his room. you sighed and made your way to your own room. you changed into your pajamas and lied in your bed. you tossed and turned for what seemed like an hour, failing to fall asleep. the previous scene seemed to be stuck in your head, you felt incredibly embarrassed, not only because you interrupted mark and that girl you’ve never seen before but also by the fact that maybe you were starting to develop a tiny crush on your roommate.

after some more tossing and turning, you decided to get up and made your way to mark’s room.

maybe apologizing to him will make you feel more at ease about the whole situation.

you knocked on the door, fiddling with your fingers while waiting for mark to open it.

as you heard the door open, the words immediately came out of you, “i am honestly so sorry about what happened earlier, i know i already apologized but i feel like-”, you looked up to see mark’s bloodshot eyes, sadly staring at you, “are you okay?”, your roommate just sniffed in response which you took as a no. your expression softened at how he looked…lost and conflicted.

“do you think i should get back with my ex?”, mark opened his mouth to ask and his voice sounded so fragile.

“okay…we definitely need to have a conversation.”, you said, putting your hands on his shoulders and turned him around, pushing him into his room. you closed the door behind the two of you and sat down on his bed. you grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it while making yourself comfortable, “now tell me what’s up.”

mark sighed and sat next to you, “the girl you saw earlier is my ex-girlfriend.”

“well if you’ve been smooching her like that then yeah you should get back together. seems like you still have feelings.”, you said, even though you may had a crush on him, you were mature enough to put your feelings aside and answer honestly.

“she cheated on me.”

your eyes widened and you quickly corrected yourself, “then don’t get back with her. never. EVER.”

“but-”

“no but! she cheated on you once, if you forgive her now, she’ll think she can get away with it again because you forgave her the first time.”

mark sighed and looked down, his phone vibrated next to him on his bed, “it’s her.”

“don’t answer! give me your phone!”

“no!”

“mark!”, you almost jumped to reach for his phone and your body was literally crushing his. you grabbed his phone and turned towards him saying, “if she didn’t appreciate you enough the first time, she doesn’t get to have a second chance. please don’t let people you love treat you like shit.”

mark suddenly wrapped his arms around you, squeezing you tightly against his own body. you let out a small surprised noise at the unexpected hug but let yourself melt into it anyway, “can we stay like that for a moment?”

“of course.”, you whispered, wrapping your arms around him, rubbing his back.

after that night, you made a mission to help mark get over his ex.

first step was to make mark block his ex’s number. it was tough but after some convincing talk, you managed to persuade him.

second step was to let mark express what he felt about his ex and the whole situation.

“so you want me to write down…my feelings? how am i suppose to do that?”

“just- just write down what you’re feeling. sad, happy, disappointed?”

“are you sure this is going to work?”

“well, you won’t be a 100% okay but you’ll feel better.”

mark sighed and complied. he looked down at the blank piece of paper and scribbled some words. few minutes had passed as mark tried to word his feelings while you were trying to play the guitar - keyword 'trying’.

“i can’t do this!”, you heard mark complain and put his guitar aside to get up and see how he was doing.

“three words? really?”, you asked, looking at the three scribbled words on the piece of paper.

mark stood up and walked to his bed, “i’m not good at expressing myself with words. you’re the songwriting student here!”, the little pout and frown on his face made your heart do that weird little thing.

“okay, fine. let’s do this differently. tell me how you feel in your own way. let’s start with how you felt when you found out about the whole cheating thing.”, you said while looking at the boy falling down on his bed.

“i-i was…angry? sad?”

“angry at her?”

“at myself.”

“why?”

“i-i don’t know- i- feel like it was my fault. maybe if i was like i don’t know, a better boyfriend? i should’ve...saw it coming? change things? like say ‘i love you’ more often?”

“so what you’re saying is that you’re angry at yourself because you think it’s your fault? you think that you could’ve done something to prevent it like being a better boyfriend or telling her you love her more frequently so she wouldn’t have gone to someone else for it?”, you tried to rephrase his messy thoughts into something less messy and more structured.

“wow, you’re good.”, mark said, pretty impressed by how quick your brain worked.

“mark…”, you sat next to him, “you really should stop blaming yourself.”, you put your hand over his, tapping it in comfort, “what stopped you from getting back with her?

"i…don’t…really know? i guess a part of me had doubts because i felt betrayed. you know, it was my friend renjun who told me about it, she didn’t even have the guts to do it.”

“see, this part of you knows that you’re worth more than that. listen to it more often.”, you commented, flicking his forehead, earning a complaint from him, “feel better?”

“better.”, he let out a sigh as his body relaxed after letting out all those feelings he tried to suppress.

third step was to distract mark from thinking about his ex.

you barged into mark’s room screaming, “get your ass prepped because we’re going out tonight!!”

“what are you talking about?”, mark asked, removing his earphones.

“seoul’s music festival!!”, you screamed, holding two tickets up, “lia’s girlfriend knows someone that got us free tickets!!”

“well, enjoy.”, mark replied, putting his earphones back on.

you frowned and walked to him to remove his earphones, “what do you mean? you’re coming with me!”

“nah i’m good.”

“i wasn’t asking. this is step three of the 'getting-over-my-ex’ plan. you need to get out and have fun. i’ve never seen you go out to have fun even once.”

“that’s an exaggeration. i do have fun…sometimes.”

“when was the last time you had 'fun’?”

“i-”, he stopped to think about it for a moment and realized that he didn’t even remember the last time he actually had fun outside with his friends, “fine, i’ll come.���

you two arrived at the festival and you already felt the vibe of the outdoor event. it had a really strong korean coachella feel to it. there was a big stage in the middle of the grass, multiple food trucks selling delicious foods, and lots of people dancing. you grabbed mark’s hand and dragged him to the middle of the crowd of people jamming to the group on stage. you joined in and started to jump up and down while screaming the lyrics to the familiar song. mark smiled while following your actions, enjoying his time with you. you two engaged into a little dancing relay as each of you did a funny weird dance that made the other laugh.

when the two of you got tired, you got away from the stage and the people to buy some delicious food before sitting down on the grass a little away from the festival where you could hear each other talk.

“i’m curious about something.”, mark said, taking a bite of his food.

“hit me.”

“how do you know all these things about getting over someone?”

“well first, the internet exists and second, that’s what lia used on me to make me get over my ex.”

“what happened?”, mark asked curiously, realizing that he didn’t know a thing about your dating life when you know so much about his already.

“well, nothing bad BAD happened, we broke up because he was going to study abroad and i stayed here. i was expecting it so it could’ve affected me worse than it did i guess.”

“do you miss him?”

“sometimes, but then i don’t know if i miss him or what we had and that’s a whole other question.”, you sighed before checking the time, “oh, already?! let’s go check the temporary tattoo area!”

you got up discarding your empty plates in the nearest trashcan and grabbed mark’s hand for you didn’t even how many times tonight. mark didn’t seem to hate it, on the contrary, he quite like the feeling of your small hand in his and he wondered how his fingers would feel intertwined with yours. the answer is perfectly. as he slipped his fingers between yours, you turned to look at him with a confused look on your face that turned into a genuine smile which your roommate returned.

you got a temporary tattoo of a poppy flower in color on the inner side of your forearm and mark got one of a lion on his ankle (something like this but like a lion).

“i can’t believe i got a tattoo. what’s my mom going to think?”, mark said in disbelief as you two walked back to your dorm hand in hand.

“it’s a temporary one, you silly. stop being dramatic.”, you rolled your eyes playfully at him.

“thank you for tonight by the way. it was really fun.”, mark let you entered the apartment first still holding onto your hand as you replied.

“see, you should go out more often. get laid from time to time, one night stands are not that bad. i’m going to change out of this now, goodn-”, as soon as you let go of mark’s hand, your roommate grabbed it again.

“wait!”, mark pulled you back, his other hand instinctively and gently placed itself on your cheek and his lips softly landed on yours.

you were surprised but kissed him back nonetheless. your eyes closed as your whole body enjoyed how mark was making you feel right now. you both pulled away for air and you heard mark ask, “wanna be my one night stand?”

you searched his face for any sign of him kidding but he seemed pretty serious about it, “this is completely physical, right?”

“completely.”, both of you knew that it wasn’t only physical but it’ll suffice for now.

your arms automatically sneaked around his neck and his hands grasped on your hips, bringing your body closer to his as you two engaged into a heated make-out session that turned into more for the rest of the night.

the next morning, the light of the sun coming through the window annoyingly stirring you out of your deep sleep.

can’t a girl just enjoy her morning free of any classes?

wait. this blanket didn’t smell like yours.

your eyes widened as you looked at your surroundings, blushing at the memories of last night. you lied back in mark’s bed wondering where your roommate was. you grabbed your phone on the bedside table and noticed that mark sent you a text.

sucky cook 🍳: hey, sorry i had to leave, didn’t want to be late for my morning class. wanna grab lunch together?

the text unknowingly made you smile as you got out of bed to get ready. when you stepped out of your building, the sun was high in the sky, the wind was softly brushing against your skin and you felt amazing. making your way to mark’s class, you politely greeted the people you knew in the hallways.

mark was impatiently waiting for his morning class to finish, wanting to finally be able to ask you out on a real date. he would’ve loved to ask you before what happened the night before but he sure was not complaining. you made his heart do all sorts of flips and just the thought of you made him all giggly.

“what’s up with you today? you look extra happy.”, his friend, lucas, asked him, after noticing a change in his 'aura’.

“really?”, lucas nodded as an answer and mark just giggled while scratching the back of his neck, “it’s nothing- i mean- no, no, it’s not nothing- i mean- i-”

“ooooh you got laid.”, lucas chuckled as mark tried to shush him, “i didn’t take you for a one night stand kind of guy.”

“i’m not- i mean, it was but- what if i don’t want her to be just a one night stand?”

“oooh hooo mark lee, yes man. get your girl.”

you waited outside of his classroom like last time while scrolling through your phone when a girl stopped in front of the class and checked inside before leaning against the wall next to the door. you looked at her for a second before focusing back on your phone. she looked quite familiar but you didn’t know where you’ve seen her.

“excuse me, are you mark’s roommate?”, the girl hesitantly asked you, snapping you out of your thought.

oh right, mark’s ex.

“uhm…yes.”, you gave her a short answer, not wanting to continue this conversation but she didn’t seem to get it as she walked closer to you.

“what are you doing here?”

“i’m waiting for-”

“y/n!”, both of you turned to the direction the voice came from and you smiled at the boy walking towards you, “kyunhee? what are you doing here?”

“i- i was wondering if you wanted to, i don’t know, grab something to eat?”, she asked, bouncing back and forth on her heels while holding tightly onto her books.

“oh, sorry. i already planned something with y/n.”, mark said, grabbing your hand and intertwining your fingers together, “see you around, kyunhee.”

you still looked at mark with wide eyes as the two of you walked away, “what?”, he asked, noticing your expression.

“you just completed the fourth step without me telling you what it was.”

“what’s the fourth step?”

“rejecting your ex if they come back.”, you proudly said then added, “even though you didn’t have to hold onto my hand to do that.”

“well, i like holding your hand.”

“i thought it was just supposed to be a one night stand.”, you said, hinting at your previous night together.

“what if i want it to be more than a one night stand?”, mark asked, sending a hopeful smile your way.

“i’d like that very much.”, you smiled back at him, giving his hand a light squeeze.

a/n: alright, i finally posted this!!!!! i hope you like it!! i posted this to celebrate nct 2020 and the two new members hnquhncfjkdfhsyufh i can’t wait aaaah and btw i love jisung’s hair so much rn

taglist: @planetjisungie​ @thatanonymousgirl-as14​ @xiao-zi​

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter One

it’s finally here, lads. buckle up, because it will be a long one. updating schedule is (tentative) weekly

read on ao3

Words: 12.1k 

Summary: All his life, Dan has wanted to have the chance to be a parent someday. He would be the best parent that ever existed, he was sure of it. Fostering might not be the most traditional way on the road to parenting, but Dan's dead set on doing it anyway. But, well, it would be easier with a co-parent, right?

the self-indulgent, bed-sharing, fake relationship, friends-to-lovers, parent fic i was desperate to read; when i shouted into the void and was met with silence, i decided i'd do it myself

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, references to child abuse

If there was one thing that Dan had learned while working within the education system is that life sucked; and if you’re a kid, it seems to suck a lot more, just behind closed doors. He didn’t know if he was just jaded because he was an adult, and therefore life seemed to suck endlessly for him, or if it was because of the job he was stuck in. Being a school counselor hadn’t been exactly where he thought his career was going, but it was a job and it paid the bills, so he stayed.

That’s not to say he was unhappy with his job. Quite the opposite, actually, because if there was one thing he enjoyed, it was being useful, and helping students sort out what they wanted out of their lives felt like being useful to him. But, like every job, there were things he didn’t enjoy about it, specifically how hard it could be some days.

Today was one of those days.

A student, a sophomore girl called Charlotte, had come into his office during her study hall. He hadn’t been at all prepared for the conversation that followed.

“What’s up, Lottie? How’s band going? Did you land the flute solo in the winter showcase?” He had said cheerfully as he ushered her inside.

She shifted awkwardly in her seat, never taking her eyes off the floor, which was strange, even for a shy girl like Charlotte. “Um, yeah… Yeah, I got the solo, but I…” She begins mumbling, ducking her head down so that he can’t understand a thing she’s saying.

“Charlotte? What’s going on?” He spoke softly and encouragingly, not wanting to pressure her, but wanting her to be honest with him if there was something bothering her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Dan studying the shaking girl for a few beats before he realized she was crying. He quickly pushed the box of tissues towards her, encouraging her to take one. “I…” She starts quietly, choked up.

“Charlotte,” he speaks gently, causing her to look up at him, her eyes red and watering. “I can’t read your mind, sweetheart. I won’t know how to help if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” He gestures to the tissues before settling back in his chair slightly. “Take your time, just know I’m here to listen.”

It’s a few agonizing moments of silence before she finally speaks. When she does, it’s not what he’s expecting in the slightest. “They’ve been hurting me.” Her voice is almost entirely inaudible, but Dan catches it in the complete silence of the room anyway, although after he processes what she’s said he wishes he hadn’t.

“Who?” he asks, swallowing around the growing lump in his throat uncomfortably as he tries desperately to hope that she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means. He had been expecting bullies in her classes, or a break up, or maybe even just bad grades. He had not been prepared for this.

“My mum’s boyfriend… and, well, I guess her too…” She trails off, but her eyes immediately snap back up to his. She rushes to clarify, “she hasn’t touched me, but she...”

Dan clears his throat, straightening up in his seat. “What does she do when he does this?” He asks gently, his voice serious.

Charlotte looks down again, her blonde hair falling over her face, before whispering, “Nothing. She does nothing.” She’s fully crying again, and he suddenly realizes she’s got a hand covering her wrist tightly. He gets a horrible, sick feeling in his stomach as he rises, moving around the desk to sit beside her.

“May I?” He asks softly, gesturing to her hand.

She studies him for a moment before nodding hesitantly. She tugs the sleeve of her shirt up slowly, and Dan suddenly feels himself go lightheaded. There are purple markings all around the wrist of her left hand, and he can tell there’s some further up her arm.

He clears his throat twice before speaking, trying to recall exactly what he needs to do. Call the police, for one. Child abuse was entirely illegal, obviously, and since she came to him with the information voluntarily he had to report it to the authorities. He hated to think about what kind of effect it would have on her, though. He’d been reading up on foster care more and more recently, as he had always wanted to do it himself, but he was sickened to think that this girl might end up in a bad home.

“We’ll have to report them to the authorities. You’ll have to tell them exactly what you’ve told me. Do you think you’ll be able to do that?” Dan asks her seriously, watching her face for any signs of regret or fear. Surprisingly, she does look frightened, but almost determined, too.

“Yes. I have to. My brother… my little brother got…” She bites her lip, which had been trembling furiously the whole time. Dan hands her another tissue and gently rubs her back in a soothing pattern. “He got hit last night. I can’t… I can’t let that happen again.”

Dan nearly chokes, his own eyes beginning to water. He had met her little brother Andrew at the beginning of this year when Charlotte had gotten in trouble for being late for school. She was walking him to the primary school just across the street since their parents had just dropped them both off at the secondary school building. When one of the teachers on duty saw this, he’d had a fit and tried to give her a detention, but Dan had stepped in and suggested that maybe they look at it from a different angle. The child had been terrified and clinging to Charlotte the whole time, thinking it was his fault that his sister was in trouble.

He was so furiously against any kind of child abuse or neglect, and the idea that her sweet little brother, who was barely six years old, had gotten hit by this man… well, it made Dan sick. He tried not to show his emotions to the girl, since he was supposed to be the mature, responsible adult in this situation.

“You’re very brave for telling me about this, Charlotte. I just want you to know that this is going to be difficult, but you did the right thing. I’m going to get Mrs. Pentland and let her know that we’ll be calling the police. Can you sit in here until I get back?” He asks the girl, rising from his seat when she nods slowly.

Just as he’s walking towards the door, she speaks up again. “Can I…” She stood up unsurely, and without her even speaking, Dan knew that she just needed a hug.

“Of course,” He said gently, wrapping his arms around her. He gently patted her head, his heart breaking as she cried in his arms. He hated this part of his job, seeing kids so young being so hurt.

“Thanks.” She whispered when she finally stepped away, rubbing under her eyes. “Really. Thank you, Mr. Howell. I don’t think I would have been able to tell anyone else.”

Again, Dan’s heart broke for her. He didn’t let her see that, instead smiling briefly and reminding her he’d be right back before stepping into the hallway to find their headmistress and let her know what had happened. He takes a minute to be fifteen again, hear the boom of his father’s voice and doors slamming, hard, before shuffling down the hall, off to do his job to the best of his ability.

~~~

When Dan finally manages to leave work that evening, he’s exhausted. The talk with the police and the case worker who had come along was long and tiring, but more so for Charlotte and her brother Andrew, he was sure. He felt awful about the whole thing, but sadly it was out of his hands. The case worker told him it was likely that they would be removed from the home and placed either with a family member or in a foster home. He tried his best to argue with her, saying that there was no way they could know if the foster home would be any better.

She subtly told him to mind his own business.

As he’s shoveling his papers into his messenger bag, his phone beeps with a text. He’s unsurprised to see that it’s from his best friend.

Phil: Mario kart marathon tonight?

Phil: I’ll buy pizza

Dan barely smiles at the message, but he’s too tired for any gaming. Pizza, however, did sound good. He texts him back before he finishes gathering his things.

Dan: raincheck on mk but dominos sounds good  

Dan’s not even surprised when his phone beeps again less than a minute later.

Phil: uh oh  

Phil: Rough day?  

Dan: you have no idea

His phone doesn’t immediately go off again, so he finishes gathering up his things and heads out, locking the door to his office on the way. He’s unsurprised to see that Louise, the headmistress and one of his close friends, had already left for the day. She had two kids, one being a new baby, so he wasn’t surprised that she had wanted to get home to them as soon as possible. He sighs, because as usual, he’s the last person to leave. It’s almost sad, but he likes to think it’s because he just really cares about his job and not because he doesn’t have a social life.

Walking to his car, he groans when his phone begins to ring. He pulls it out as he unlocks his car and tosses his bag in, sliding the answer button when he sees who it is.

“Hey,” Phil’s quiet voice fills the line. Dan can tell he’s trying to be careful and gauge his mood, considering Domino’s was usually their comfort food when something particularly bad had happened.

“Hi,” Dan responds, slamming his door a little too harshly before starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot in one quick motion. “So, Domino’s okay with you?” he asks tentatively, unsure if Phil’s offer to hang out still stands if Mario Kart is off the table. He seriously doubted it, but he feels like he can’t blame Phil if he wants to skip out on this particular mood that he’s in.

“Of course. I’ll order it to be sent to yours and meet you there in about fifteen?” Phil sounds soft and gentle, and Dan finds himself wanting to cry all over again after the day he’s had.

“Yeah, okay. You may beat me there, I’m just leaving work.” Dan would never turn down a chance to hang out with his best friend, even if his day had been shit and he was feeling like he’d be the worst company in the world.

“Alright. Want me to set up a movie?” Phil knew him so well, he wasn’t even questioning that Dan wasn’t in the mood for video games, and just accepted that this was one of those times where Dan just needed some passive entertainment and a load of carbs.

“Yeah, something I can cry over.” He suggests, looking at his side mirror before making a turn. He doesn’t elaborate, and he knows that Phil will understand, he always does.

“Okay. See you there.” He waits for Dan to respond in a similar fashion before the line goes dead. Dan sighs, setting the phone down on his lap, chewing his lip as he drives home. His thoughts are clouded with the events of today and his chest feels entirely too heavy. He knows that if he can just have a minute to cry it out, he’ll feel better.

When he gets to his flat, he’s unsurprised to find the door unlocked, the sound of the tv greeting him as he walks through the door. “I’m home!” He calls out, so he doesn’t freak Phil out when he walks into the lounge. He drops his bag off in the dining room, tossing his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs, rolling the sleeves of his button-down shirt up as he walks up the stairs into the lounge where he assumes Phil will be.

He smiles almost against his will at the scene he finds. Phil is curled into one end of his sofa with his laptop out, probably ordering the pizza, Dan’s fuzzy blanket covering his lap, his glasses askew on his face. He’s wearing an ugly sweater that he probably thought was really cool, which Dan finds endearing, if slightly annoying. He looks up as Dan enters the room, a small smile covering his face.

“Hi,” Phil says softly, studying Dan, as if he’ll be able to tell what had happened today just by looking at him.

“Hi,” Dan mimics, walking over and dropping onto the sofa beside him. He drops his head onto the backrest, staring up at the ceiling, feeling Phil’s stare burn into him.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil decides to prompt him again. “So,” he says, lightly knocking his knee against Dan’s. “Do you want to talk about what’s got you so upset?”

Dan shakes his head slowly, his eyes not straying from the spot of ceiling he’s currently memorizing. He knows he should, and that if there’s anyone he can talk to it’s Phil, but he feels like if he opens his mouth to speak, he’ll start sobbing. He’s not sure he’ll ever stop if he does.

“Okay,” Phil says slowly, shifting. He seems to be pondering something before he taps Dan’s thigh. “Would you like some tea?”

He very nearly rolls his eyes at this suggestion; they’re so British it hurts sometimes. Instead, he shrugs. “Hot chocolate?” he requests softly, glancing over at Phil, hoping that his best friend will take sympathy on him and make him a mug.

Phil grins as he stands up. “Coming right up, with four marshmallows.”

Dan’s relieved to be left alone for a moment, watching as Phil retreats downstairs to the kitchen. It’s not like he really wanted to avoid discussing what had happened, he just felt that he needed a moment to process it in the comfort of his own home before sharing it.

He doesn’t have to wait long before Phil’s elephant feet are stomping up the stairs, two mugs of hot chocolate in his hands when he enters the lounge. He hands one to Dan before settling onto the sofa, pulling the blanket over himself before looking at Dan expectantly. “So?” he says gently.

Dan knows he isn’t about to force him to speak about it if he really doesn’t want to, but he also knows what Phil knows; it would be so much better for him to speak about it to someone, and the only person he could really confide in was right there. Still, he’s silent for a minute, swallowing hard before whispering, “I had to report a girl’s parents to the authorities for child abuse today.”

His words sit heavy in the air between them, and Dan feels as if he’s suffocating under their weight. He takes a deep, steadying breath, or tries to, at least. It comes out staggered, and he squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to cry. He hadn’t watched a sad movie yet. Dan didn’t just sit around crying for nothing, at least not with company. His mind laughs at this, supplying the idea that Phil has seen him in much worse shape before. Dan kindly asks that little voice to take a hike.

Phil clears his throat, and when Dan tilts his head to look at him, he’s surprised to find Phil looking out the window, his mouth set in a thin line. He hated the idea of child abuse as much as Dan, and Dan suddenly feels guilty about telling him. He didn’t want Phil to feel sad or guilty over it, since it wasn’t his problem. Just as he opens his mouth to apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic, he feels Phil’s hand come to land on his leg, just above his knee.

Dan’s gaze drops to his hand, and Phil squeezes gently, causing Dan’s gaze to dart up to his.

Phil smiles sadly. “I’m so sorry you had to do that, Dan. I… I can’t imagine what that must have been like.” His friend sounds so sincere, and Dan has to look away, trying to get a grip on his emotions.

“It sucked,” He whispers.

“I know.” Phil responds, squeezing his leg again. He goes to speak again, but just when he does, they hear a loud buzzer, indicating the pizza delivery guy is there. Phil releases his grip to stand and goes to buzz the guy into the building. “I’ll be right back,” he says quietly before taking his wallet and going downstairs to get the pizza and pay the delivery guy.

Dan sighs before rising to go change out of his work clothes. He was already beginning to feel uncomfortable in the stiff-collared shirt that he was wearing. Unbuttoning it as he trudges down the stairs, he’s a little too lost in his head to realize that Phil is turning the corner with the pizza boxes before they nearly run into each other.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” Dan mumbles, going to steady the boxes in Phil’s hand. He had ordered pizza and chicken nuggets, as well as cookies. He must have predicted how bad Dan’s day had been while they were on the phone, which Dan is grateful for.

“It’s fine. Go change, I’ll grab us something to drink.” Phil glances down at Dan’s hands, which are still undoing buttons, and Dan flushes when he realizes that he’s basically just walking around stripping. He avoids Phil’s eyes as he ducks into his bedroom to get his pajamas on. He reminds himself that Phil has seen him shirtless, they used to live together, after all. That had been so long ago, it seemed.

Back when Dan was contemplating dropping out of uni and Phil convinced him to switch majors instead. His family hadn’t been thrilled of course, but Dan knew that if it hadn’t been for Phil, he wouldn’t have finished university at all. Or finished anything at all, for that matter.

Dan had been in an incredibly bad place for years when Phil came into his life, and the raven-haired dork would probably never realize how drastically he had changed Dan’s entire life. But after living together for about three years, Dan had moved into his own place. Although it hadn’t been life-altering in terms of their friendship, things had been really weird and hard to adjust to at first, although Dan definitely didn’t regret it now. He had gotten a fairly good deal on his current flat, and they lived close enough they saw each other nearly every day anyway, just like best friends do.

By the time Dan manages to get into his pajamas and work himself out of his thoughts and up the stairs, Phil has already got their plates out and drinks poured. Dan smiles tiredly as he drops to the sofa beside him, tugging the chicken nugget box towards him and tearing the lid off, making Phil roll his eyes.

“I cannot believe you still do that.” His voice is light and teasing, which Dan thinks is good for while they’re having dinner. He can’t handle heavy conversation while he’s trying to eat.

Shrugging, Dan nods to the tv. “What’re we watching? Did you pick out something good and sad?” He tries to joke, but his voice sounds flat, even to his own ears.

Phil shrugs, studiously avoiding Dan’s gaze as he organizes their fair array of dips on the coffee table. “You can pick something else if you aren’t up for it.” He shrugs again.

Slightly suspicious but not enough to be alarmed, Dan tosses the trash from the boxes he’s ripped apart to the side, looking at Phil again. “Is it The Notebook?” When Phil shakes his head, Dan shrugs and turns to the dips, peeling off the lids. “Then it’s fine.”

After a moment, Phil sighs and grabs the remote, pressing play, causing the previous screensaver to change to the movie he’d picked. Dan almost chokes when he realizes what it is, but he shrugs when Phil looks at him in concern. “This is fine. I like this movie.” His lip curls up into a small smile, but he knows his dimple isn’t showing.

“We can change it. I wasn’t thinking about- I didn’t realize what had happened today, Dan. I seriously don’t mind if you want to change it.” His best friend shifts on the sofa, trying to catch Dan’s gaze.

“It’s fine. I haven’t seen this in a while, and it’s a good movie. Sandra’s a good actress, even if she looks weird as a blonde.” He tries to crack a joke, but Phil doesn’t react.

After a few minutes where Dan is actively avoiding looking at Phil as Phil does nothing but stare at him, he hears the older man sigh, before pressing play, allowing the movie to begin.

Dan glances at the tv, then at Phil, sending him a small smile, assuring him that he’s fine. Phil smiles back, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Dan knows his friend is just worried about him, but he feels that just avoiding how he feels about what happened will just be counterproductive. At least, that’s probably what his therapist would say.

So instead of digging himself into a hole of sadness and guilt, he sits back with his plate of delicious food on his sofa with his best friend and tries to enjoy The Blind Side in all its glory.

~~~

An hour later, and Dan is slightly reconsidering his earlier thoughts. The food is long gone by now, so Dan is left with nothing to distract himself with from the emotional aspects of the movie. He had already teared up at the scene where Michael said he had never had a bed, and now his eyes were threatening to spill over again as the graduation scene is happening.

Phil has noticed, and while he tries not to be so obviously worried, at one point he pulled Dan’s legs into his lap, which Dan has to admit does help slightly, if only because the physical contact tethers him to something real and tangible in this world. Dan tries not to sniffle too loudly, but he’s not sure how well he’s doing, given Phil is shooting him glances every few minutes.

Graciously, Phil allows him to cry in quiet, but he crushes any hopes that Dan had that he hadn’t full noticed when he hands him the box of tissues that Dan keeps on the end table beside Phil.

“Thanks,” he whispers wetly.

This time, Phil doesn’t even bother pretending he’s paying attention to the tv, keeping his sole focus on Dan. “Are you okay?” He asks softly, one arm coming up on the back of the sofa while the other rests across Dan’s calves.

Dan nods too quickly, and Phil tilts his head at him in disbelief. Sighing, Dan tilts his head to rest against the back of the sofa and studies a thread coming out at the top while he ponders over Phil’s question. “I want to foster.” He announces quietly.

Phil’s eyebrows furrow at this, and he glances at the tv. The movie is coming to an end, so he apparently decides it’s fine to put the sound on mute for this conversation. “Like you want to be a foster parent?” Phil asks for clarification, studying Dan in that careful, attentive way that he has.

Dan wraps a clean tissue around his index finger as he nods, still avoiding long periods of eye contact with Phil. “Yeah. I want to help kids who don’t have anyone. I just… I get so mad at them, Phil.” He seethes, steadily becoming more emotional and enraged as he just thinks about Charlotte’s situation, and others like hers. She certainly wasn’t the first person who had come to Dan about something like this, but she was the first who he hadn’t expected, as he had seen no warning signs prior to that.

Phil rubs circles onto Dan’s calves, seemingly without noticing it, his eyes focused on Dan’s face. “Mad at who, Dan?” Phil asks, his expression slightly confused.

“The parents, Phil. All these shitty fucking parents who don’t know how to take care of their kids. I could do so much better than them. I just… I feel like I’m not doing enough with the career I’ve got. I want to do something, you know? I want to make an impact in someone’s life.” Dan is slightly aware of the way he’s basically rambling at this point, but he isn’t quite sure where to stop.

Phil looks unsure as he speaks. “Dan, you have an impact on the lives of all the kids you work with.” He hesitates before his eyes drift to his hands, on Dan’s legs. “You’ve had an impact on mine,” He says softly. Dan isn’t sure he heard him right, so he moves on.

“That doesn’t count.” He thinks he sees a flash of hurt on Phil’s face before it’s quickly covered up by a look of concern. “I know that what I’m doing at the school isn’t, like, a total waste of time, but I just… I just want to do more. I want…” he takes a deep breath before continuing. “I want to be able to be someone’s parent because I want to be the kind of good parent that mine never were.” His voice is near inaudible by the end of that, but he knows Phil has heard by the way his face falls, a soft look coming over his features.

“Oh, Dan.” He sighs, shifting closer to Dan so that the younger boy is nearly in his lap, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Dan hadn’t realized how desperately he needed that hug until he feels Phil breathe, and then feels as his hand comes up to stroke his back soothingly.

And then, Dan’s crying, just like he figured he would tonight. It had been a long time since he’d been held this way, but Phil was his best friend in the whole world, and so if anyone was going to be there for this slight meltdown, he was glad it was Phil. His best friend gently rubs his back with one hand, the other petting his hair. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s torso in response, openly sobbing at this point.

Dan isn’t sure how long they sit like that, with Phil whispering that everything would be okay, before he finally realizes how gross he feels, gently disentangling himself from Phil, putting some space between them as he wipes at his eyes. “Thanks,” Dan says wetly. “I think-” he pauses, his eyes widening as his attention suddenly drawn to the stain on Phil’s jumper from his snot and tears. He brings his own sleeve up to his nose, wiping away the snot he’s embarrassed to realize has collected there. He can’t help but make a face, waving the sleeve as if that’ll clean it off. “Er- sorry about your jumper,” he mumbles.

“It’s fine. I know you think this one’s ugly anyway. Probably did that on purpose, if I had to guess.” Phil jokes quietly, causing Dan to laugh before gently shoving Phil in retaliation.

“Nope, you have no proof of that.” Dan shrugs innocently.

Phil quirks an eyebrow before gesturing to the jumper to indicate that it is the evidence, and Dan only shrugs in response.

They sit in silence for a few moments before Dan finally speaks up again. “I think… I think tomorrow I’m going to call a fostering agency.” He says softly, looking down at his hands.

Phil looks at him, nodding slowly. “Yeah?” He prods gently, waiting to see if Dan would elaborate.

He does. “Yeah. I’ve… Well, I’ve actually looked into a few already, but I’m going to call one tomorrow and see if I can get the process started. I read that it can take up to six months, and I really want to do this.” He chews his lip before speaking again, glancing up at Phil timidly. “You’ll, like, still hang out, right? Like, this won’t completely destroy our friendship if I do this?” He asks, worrying his lip as he waits for an answer.

Phil frowns. “Of course, it won’t. Dan, if you want to do this, I support you. I’ll be there to help you, whatever you need. Okay?” He ducks his head to catch Dan’s gaze.

Dan nods slowly, smiling tiredly. “Thanks, Phil.” He glances at the tv, which has long since turned off due to inactivity. He checks his phone on the table next, surprised to see that it’s already pretty late, and he’s had a long day. “I think I’m gonna head to bed. Are you staying over?”

Phil checks his own phone, shaking his head. “Nah, I’ve gotta be at work kinda early tomorrow, don’t wanna wake up even earlier to get home and get ready.” He stands up, glancing down at Dan. “Unless you need me to stay?” He studies Dan intently, his blue eyes searching for any hint of uncertainty.

Dan shakes his head quickly before standing as well, clearing the coffee table. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine. Just needed a cry, I guess.” He shrugs casually before nodding to the table. “Mind helping out before you leave?”

Phil nods, bending to collect the dishes they used while Dan gathers up their trash. Phil heads downstairs to the kitchen to drop off the dishes while Dan tosses the trash into the bin. After washing his hands, he finds Phil already by the door, tugging his shoes on. Dan holds his keys out for him, smiling when Phil studies him with a frown on his face, clearly worried.

“I’m fine, Phil. I promise. Just had a bad day, that’s all. And we watched a freaking sad movie. But I’m fine.” Dan pushes the keys into Phil’s hand before opening the door for him since he’d have to lock it behind him. Although Phil had a key, Dan always preferred to do it himself, so he knew for sure it was locked. He was paranoid like that sometimes.

Phil seems to take a moment to consider what Dan said before stepping through the door. He turns back around to say goodbye and catches Dan slightly off guard when he pulls him into a hug. Neither of them had anything against showing physical affection, as being best friends for nearly ten years definitely did that for a person. Still, it wasn’t often that they hugged each other goodbye.

The surprise doesn’t stop there, however, as before Phil steps away, he brings his lips up to Dan’s forehead, pressing them lightly against his hairline, so briefly that Dan would almost think he’d imagined it, if it weren’t for the unmistakable feeling of lips against his skin. “Night, Dan. Call me if you need anything.” And with that, Phil is off, down the hall and out of sight before Dan can even close the door.

After locking it and setting the alarm, he stumbles to bed in a daze, his head swirling with a million different thoughts. The loudest of which, shouting Phil just kissed you! On the forehead, but he kissed you! The thought isn’t entirely unwelcome, as he’s still processing the oddity that that level of affection between them was. With that thought, others begin flooding his mind, most of them flashbacks to a different time, nearly ten years ago, an October full of first meetings and uncertainty and flirty banter and warm smiles.

While that time seemed so far away now, this evening’s events were causing a whole barrage of memories long since buried in Dan’s mind to resurface. He tosses and turns in bed, struggling to find a good, safe place to let his thoughts drift to as he tries to sleep. One thing is certain, though. After all that thinking, Dan goes to sleep that night with thoughts of blue eyes and Ferris wheel rides swirling in his head.

~~~

The next day is a Thursday, and Dan is nearly bursting with nervousness as he settles into his office for the day. He’s already checked with Louise about Charlotte’s situation, but she didn’t know much. They were informed that Charlotte and her brother wouldn’t be in school for a few days, but that was it. It was incredibly ineffective to yank the children out of their routine, Dan thought, but it wasn’t like he had any real control now. It was entirely up to the case workers and the system now.

He sighs as he sorts his paperwork out on his desk, fishing out the things he’d need today for the few meetings he had, as well as a black journal that he had been keeping all the information he’d found about fostering. There wasn’t much to do at the moment, given he had about an hour before his first meeting of the day, so he decided to go through and pick a foster company to start the process with.

After scanning the websites of the three companies he had on his list, he eventually decides to go with one called Bridge the Gap, partially because they had earlier office hours than the others, but also because he liked the layout and design of their website. Leave it to him to be nerdy enough to consider graphic design when going into a situation like this. He double checks that his door is firmly shut before dialing the number on his cellphone, his stomach twisting with nerves.

The phone rings twice before a cheery voice picks up. “Bridge the Gap Foster Care, this is Kacey, how can I direct your call?”

Dan stumbles with his response, as he hadn’t expected such a prompt and efficient person to pick up the call. “Uh, yeah. I need to speak with a case worker about fostering? Er- I’d like to start, I mean, and so… Yeah.” He finishes lamely, clenching his eyes shut in frustration at how totally unprepared he feels.

The girl on the other end just laughs good-naturedly. “Then you’re in the right place. Give me just a second, and I’ll put you through to one of our caseworkers.” Dan responds with an affirmative, and then the sound of soft music begins playing. He perks up when he recognizes the tune as Clair de Lune. Just from that, he decides that he’s made the right decision. He begins doodling on the large calendar on his desk, a dog, and then a cat, followed by little stick children. He stops when he realizes he’d unintentionally drawn two children, a boy and a girl, beside a little figure of himself.

The wait isn’t too long, and before he knows it, the music is drifting away, and another voice is speaking. “Good morning, sir, I was told you were interested in speaking to someone about becoming a foster carer?” The voice is Irish, which takes Dan aback for a second, as the other girl had been incredibly posh.

“Er- yes. My name is Daniel Howell and I read on the website that this was the best way to get started?” He doesn’t mean to make it sound like a question, but it absolutely sounds that way. He has to remind himself to stop worrying so much about how he sounds. This person doesn’t know him yet, no need to freak out any more than he already is.

“Well, hello, Daniel, my name is Hazel Hayes, and I’m glad you called. It definitely helps to get the process started over phone rather than in person, so we have time to gather paperwork and things like that. So, have you done any research on foster care yet? Or are you calling to get more information?” Her voice is friendly but serious, as if she’s done this long enough to gauge that it’s usually one of the two options.

“I’ve actually done my research this time,” Dan laughs softly. “I’ve always felt pretty strongly about wanting to do this, and I’m not exactly getting any younger.”

Hazel laughs good-naturedly with him, and he hears the sound of papers shuffling as if he’s on speaker. His anxiety spikes slightly at the thought before getting over it. This person doesn’t know him, it’s ridiculous to be paranoid about his voice. “Right, right. Well, normally I like to ask a few questions, and sort of go from there seeing if you qualify to start the process. Is that alright with you?”

Dan nods before realizing she can’t see him. “Yes, that’s fine.” He sits back in his seat slightly, crossing one ankle over his other leg. Might as well get comfortable if he’s about to be interrogated.

“Right, so how old are you, Mr. Howell?” Hazel sounds friendly but business-like, and he wonders briefly how much she has seen in her line of work. She sounds happy and nice but working in the foster system had to have its downfalls.

“I’m twenty-seven.” He responds, glancing around his office absently. He needs to get some photos or something to put in here, he realizes as he studies his sparse desk. He’s got motivational posters and some bookshelves in this room, but it’s fairly impersonal otherwise. The only picture he does have is a selfie of himself and Phil from a holiday they took to Japan a few years back, and that’s attached to his filing cabinet with a magnet.

He tunes back into the conversation when Hazel asks another question. He barely catches the humming sound she makes when he tells her his age, but he’s more prepared for the next question. “Are you employed, Mr. Howell? And if so, could you give me a range of your income?”

“I am. I work as a guidance counselor at Queensbury Secondary School,” he pauses before responding with his salary, which admittedly wasn’t too impressive, but it was enough for him. Hazel makes a similar noise as she had before, which is beginning to make him slightly nervous.

“Right… Okay, a little different now, but how would you say your support system is? Do you have family, perhaps some close friends who would be available for support within the home?” Hazel questions, sounding almost as if she’s bringing the questioning to an end. He was surprised, as he had expected something fairly different during this call.

“Oh, um. My family’s in Reading, actually.” He hesitates, unsure if this is really something she needs to know. “And I’m pretty introverted generally, so uh, I’ve got a couple of friends who would probably be my support system, I guess.” He hates how hesitant he sounds, but he’s unprepared for this kind of question entirely.

“Well, Mr. Howell,” Hazel begins, sounding like she’s about to deliver some sort of unfortunate noise.

Dan can’t stand the anxiety he feels, and he cuts her off. “Call me Dan, please.” He feels as if she’s about to dash his hopes, he’d like to be addressed by his first name.

“Dan, I want to be honest with you.” Hazel suddenly sounds far less happy, and more tired now, as if she’s drained. “It’s hard to find good foster parents these days, you probably realize this if you’ve researched it. That said, there are certain… qualities, I suppose you could say, that generally ensure that a potential foster carer will be more likely to be approved.”

This sounds a lot like one of those speeches where someone is let down gently, but Dan wants the cold, hard facts, not bad news wrapped up in a pretty bow to distract from the fact that it’s still bad news. “I’m not sure I follow. From everything I read, there wasn’t much you could get disqualified for. Sexual orientation, religion, even the factor about employment didn’t appear to be a problem.” He feels as if he’s jumping the gun with how defensive he sounds, but he honestly can’t help it. He’s wanted this for so long, it wasn’t fair that it could just be taken away so quickly.

Hazel sighs as if she expected this to be his reaction. “I understand, and that’s not quite what I’m saying.”

There’s a pause, and Dan drops his leg, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his desk, one hand holding the phone up to his ear while he places his chin in the other. “Well, please, feel free to elaborate.” He says almost bitterly.

“The factors you mentioned don’t disqualify someone, you’re right. And I’m not saying you are disqualified, but there are factors that can make getting approved harder, and I wouldn’t want to allow you to start this process with false expectations.” She pauses as if she’s waiting for him to process before she continues. “The fact that you’re quite young, by our standards at least, is something to consider. The age is twenty-one and up, but generally the people who get approved the fastest are people who are around thirty or older. Another huge factor is support. This isn’t like fostering puppies, Dan. You will have a child’s life in your hands, and it’s crucial to have a healthy support system around you in order to make sure that you are able to take care of the child to the best of your ability.”

Dan is reeling, as this feels an awful lot like a rejection. His thoughts are racing, stumbling for something, anything that can fix this. Hazel’s talking again before he can think of anything to intervene with.

“And the fact that you’re single, well… We don’t discriminate on the basis of relationship status, but typically couples who decide to foster are generally approved easier than singles, simply because of the fact that two parents allow for more reprieve and a better support system for the child…”

Dan’s sure Hazel keeps talking, but he’s stuck on what she said about him being single. He knows she’s right, but she hadn’t asked, and he hadn’t said any different. His conscience is screaming at him not to do what he’s thinking of doing, but he shoves that little voice in a drawer in his mind, blocking it out. He thinks it’s a shot in the dark, sure, but he did have someone who had promised to support him and do anything he could to help…

“Wait, wait. Sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding. I’m not single.” He interrupts Hazel’s train of thought, his heart now racing as he waits for a reaction. His stomach churns uncomfortably, and he tries to tell himself it’s just the waiting for her response, not because he feels guilty about lying.

“Oh. You aren’t?” Hazel sounds slightly surprised, and he almost feels offended.

“No.” He says slowly and easily, trying to force himself into sounding as casual and natural as possible.

“My apologizes, I just assumed- since you didn’t say anything when I asked about your support system-“ Before she can get much further, he interrupts her yet again.

“Well, yes, but you didn’t ask specifically about partners. It’s my bad, really, I think I just misinterpreted the question.” He lies easily, almost too easily, but he’s relieved that she doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, that’s great. Not that it would have been impossible to foster otherwise, but you sound like you’ve done your research, and we really need more people who truly care about doing this for the greater good. And I know that sometimes there are just setbacks for people who aren’t… well, anyway. I assume this means you’ll be fostering together?” She asks, her cheer restored in her voice as she speaks.

Dan shakes his head, surprised at himself for what he’s about to do. At least the little voice in his head has finally shut up. “Yes, we will. My, uh, fiancé, and I will be co-fostering.”

“Lovely. Well, the next step in the process is to attend an information meeting here at the center. I can email you about dates and times, and you and your fiancé can decide on something and just let me know.” The sound of typing fills the line, and Dan can only assume that she’s pulling up her email. After telling her his address, she takes a moment before responding. “Okay! That’s sorted, so you should see an email soon. Thank you for calling, Dan, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon! Have a great day!”

Dan responds slightly less enthusiastically before dropping his cell phone to his desk, following it with his head. He gently bangs his head on the smooth surface several times before there’s a knock on his door. “It’s open,” he calls out, trying to settle his expression and his feelings with a sigh as he sits up to greet his guest.

Louise ducks her head in, a smile on her face. “Ready for the meeting at nine?” She asks in that happy, motherly way she has when she’s trying to keep him organized and on schedule. He nods tiredly rubbing a hand down his face, but she must assume it’s because of yesterday’s events, and not due to the fact that he just destroyed his life over the phone. “Good. The boy’s parents should be here then, and we’ll call him in from class to discuss the scholarship and everything in my office.” She smiles once again before giving him a look. “It’ll be okay, Daniel, I promise.”

Dan tries to smile back at her, nodding. “I know, Lou. I know.” He watches as she pulls the door shut as she leaves, before dropping his head back to his desk. After allowing himself a few moments of self-pity, he picks up his phone, deciding to go ahead and face the inevitable. Dialing Phil’s number feels a little like walking towards the edge of a cliff to his imminent death, and he selfishly hopes that he doesn’t answer.

Sadly, whatever gods or beings that control his life aren’t so graceful. Phil answers after the third ring. “Hey, Dan. Are you alright?” Phil asks immediately after answering.

Dan clenches his eyes shut, seriously regretting the situation he’s gotten himself in. Who the hell does something this stupid? Him, apparently. “Er, not exactly. Do you have a minute?” Dan props his head up with the hand that’s holding the phone, laying heavily on it. He briefly hopes that he somehow manages to hang up on him with his face, but he knows they need to have this conversation after what Dan just did.

“Uh, yeah, give me a minute.” He hears Phil say something to his coworkers, probably excusing himself to go talk somewhere in private. Dan’s grateful for this, as he’s probably going to want to yell after he hears what Dan did this time. “Alright, what’s up? You sound really weird and it’s freaking me out.” The worry in Phil’s voice is clear, and Dan tries to cling to that as he tries to gather his courage to speak. Phil cares about him, he can’t do anything too drastic after he hears this… Right?

“Well, you see… Something super funny happened, actually…” Dan begins, hoping that if he presents it as a funny little thing, Phil will be less mad. “So, I called the foster company like I said I would, right? Well…”

~~~

Unfortunately, presenting his mistake as a comedy had not had the desired effect. If anything, it makes it worse.

“You did what?” Phil’s voice is loud, overwhelming the phone’s mic so it sends an inhuman wall of noise through the line. Dan cringes, his finger tracing over the keys on his keyboard as he lets Phil get his anger out. “Daniel, that’s- is that illegal or something? Lying to someone like that?”

Dan shrugs before remembering Phil isn’t there. “I dunno, Phil. It’s not like I asked her if it was illegal to lie about being engaged to someone.” He snaps. He had no right to be angry, and he knew that, but he never fully knew how to act when Phil was angry, as it didn’t happen very often.

“Fuck.” Phil swears quietly, and Dan’s eyes widen slightly. Phil normally didn’t swear too much, so this was surely a testament to how mad he really was. “Well do you think you’ll just tell her you were lying, or say that you broke up or something?”

“What? No! Phil, I can’t. She basically said I didn’t have a real chance at fostering if I didn’t have this. This could be the only way I get to do this.” Dan sits up straighter, swallowing hard.

“So, what are you suggesting? That you just keep lying to her? Seriously, Dan? What about when they do the information meetings? Or better yet, when they do the home inspections? What then?” Phil demands. Dan can almost see him pacing, as he tends to do that when he’s seriously frustrated. Dan almost feels bad for calling him at work, but he knew if he waited it would just drive him crazy.

“No…” He says slowly in regard to what Phil had said. He takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for what he’s about to ask of his best friend. Although Dan knew deep down that their friendship had survived much worse, he felt that this was something he couldn’t really compare to the situations they’d been in before.

“Then what, Dan?” Phil’s voice sounds almost suspicious, as if he knows that Dan has a solution, and he knows already that he isn’t going to like it.

“You said you would be there for me, right?” Dan says slowly. He glances over at the only picture he had in his office, an old one of photo-Phil smiling broadly over his shoulder. They had been through loads together. Surely, they could survive this together, too. That thought in his mind, he just blurts it out. “I need you to be my fiancé.”

The line is completely silent for several moments. Dan almost thinks the call had failed, but when he pulls his phone away to check, it’s fine. He hesitantly brings it back to his ear, waiting.

Finally, after what seems like hours, Phil’s voice returns. “What?” He whispers.

“Phil, please. I just need you to pretend, okay? Please. I don’t- we both know I don’t have any other friends I can ask. And you said-“ Dan almost continues, but Phil’s voice stops him.

“Stop. Okay? Just stop. I’m at work, Daniel. I know you probably felt like you couldn’t just let this wait, but I’m working. Okay? This is something we need to discuss in person.” Phil stops there, but Dan can tell he isn’t finished, so he just waits quietly until Phil has gathered his thoughts. “You can’t just drop something like this on me and expect me to just agree to it. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you can drag me into it too.”

That hurts, but Dan knows he deserves it, even though he also knows Phil will likely apologize for saying it later. “Okay.” He whispers back, nodding his head as he stares down at the little stick figures he had drawn earlier.

The line is quiet for a few more minutes before Phil sighs deeply. “I’ll see you after work, yeah? Just… Give me some time, okay?

“Okay.” Dan says again. He’s not sure when things had ever been less okay.

“I get off at five today, I’ll come by, so we can talk.” Phil hesitates before speaking again. “Just… don’t do anything else until we talk, alright?”

“Alright.” Dan responds. “I’ll see you later, Phil.” Before he hangs up, he repeats Phil’s name. When he hears a hum of acknowledgement, he continues. “I’m really sorry.”

Phil sighs before answering. “I know, Dan. I’ll see you later.”

The call disconnects with a beep and Dan feels the guilt settle in, making its way right under his skin, making him feel filthy with it.

After checking the time and realizing he’s about to be late to the meeting, he quickly shoves his personal life to the back of his mind and struggles to force himself into his work life. There was no good that could come out of getting the two all mixed up, and Dan didn’t intend to be one of those people who made that mistake. So instead, he shook himself and tried to put on a smile to go congratulate the parents of a child who had earned himself a full-ride scholarship to a great university. At least some people in the world weren’t messing up their lives.

~~~

Several hours later, Dan is pacing his lounge nervously as he waits for Phil to get there. He’s not sure if he’s nervous to see Phil’s anger, rather than just hear it on the phone, or if he’s just nervous that Phil might refuse to pretend to be his fiancé for the sake of his foster care situation. Probably a mixture of both.

He jumps a little when he hears a key being shoved into the lock downstairs before he reminds himself that Phil has a key. He forces himself to wait in the lounge instead of meeting him at the door, feeling like that last few moments of distance between them will be better.

“Dan?” Phil calls out as Dan hears him taking his shoes off.

“Upstairs!” Dan answers. He’s trying desperately not to look like a nervous wreck, but he knows he does. He’s wearing his Game of Thrones pajama sweats and a t-shirt, but he suddenly feels like he should have just left his work clothes on. He feels too vulnerable like this, despite the fact Phil had seen him in basically every state of dress and undress.

It’s too late for a wardrobe change, though, because Phil comes up the stairs then, pausing when he sees Dan pacing around in front of the large windows. He appraises him for a moment before raising an eyebrow. “You look like roadkill, mate.” Phil deadpans, dropping onto the sofa, his eyes not leaving Dan’s.

Dan only nods, swallowing the lump building in his throat. He absolutely would not cry. Crying would just be stupid and senseless. He had to be strong, because that’s the kind of thing adults do. They own up to their mistakes and deal with the consequences, even if they suck.

Phil studies Dan for a second before sighing, patting the cushion beside him. “C’mere.”

Dan shuffles over unsurely, sitting down where he’s facing Phil, although he refuses to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I should have asked first, or just not lied period, but I can’t un-lie.” His gaze shifts to the painting he keeps on the cabinet behind the sofa, and he stares at it just to give himself something to do. “I know that doesn’t like, make it better, or whatever. But I am sorry, and I know I fucked up.”

There’s a silence before Phil finally speaks. “I’m not mad anymore.” He whispers softly. Dan’s eyes tentatively shift to meet striking blue ones, and he’s surprised to see that there’s no anger left there. “I was seething at first, sure. You lied to someone about being in a serious relationship, and that’s bad enough, but then you just… Just asked me to do it, as if that’s something you just ask someone.”

Dan tries to make a joke. “I mean… You kind of do ask someone to marry you… This is kind of like that.” He tries to smile, but Phil just stares at him.

“This isn’t real.” He says immediately. Dan’s surprised at how much hearing that hurts, but he shrugs and looks away. It’s not like Phil was wrong. It wasn’t real.

Wait…

“You said ‘this isn’t real’ like you meant it was happening.” Dan is struggling to catch up with the tale he had spun just that morning. “I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do, Phil. If this is going to make things weird, or like if it makes you uncomfortable, we don’t-“

Phil cuts him off then, sighing. “Dan, we both know I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I wasn’t sure I knew I could handle it. Besides, we’ve known each other for ten years. It’s not like either of us have much of a life outside of our friendship anyway.” His sentence is punctuated with a bitter laugh, and Dan can’t help but feel bad, as if he’s the one really holding Phil back from having relationships outside of their friendship. But that would be crazy, because it wasn’t like Dan was standing in his way.

“Yeah…” He studies his hands for a moment before looking up into blue eyes. His words are caught in his throat as Phil just looks at him with a sort of soft, fond look. He looked tired, probably due to the stress that Dan’s terrible announcement of the situation had caused this morning. Even with as angry as he probably was still feeling, he still looked at Dan like there was something to be seen. Like Phil actually liked what he saw, even.

Dan shakes the thought away. He had never had the guts to feel the way he felt about his best friend. He certainly didn’t have the guts now, not when it wasn’t even real. But still, Dan allows himself to feel entirely grateful for the way Phil is handling the situation. The whole thing could have gone in a very different direction, but luckily, Phil was pretty much the best person in the world, and Dan wouldn’t have wanted to be stuck in this situation with anyone else.

“We’ll have to figure a few things out, you know.” Phil says quietly a moment later, thoroughly breaking the spell Dan had been under, stuck in his own head.

“What sort of things?” Dan asks, shifting on the couch so he can tuck his legs under him. This gives him some extra height, and he props his elbow up on the backrest of the couch, dropping his chin onto his hand to look down at Phil.

“Well, for one, if we’re going to do this, we need to work out a convincing backstory. How we met, who proposed to who, all that. Also, might need to get some rings.” He holds up his bare left hand and wags his ring finger around. “If I’m going to be your arm candy, I’m going to require some decent costuming.” His lips quirk into a smirk at the surprise on Dan’s face.

“Oh. Right.” Dan allows his gaze to follow Phil’s hand as it drops back into his lap, and when he realizes that he’s practically staring at his best friend’s crotch, his eyes quickly flit away, his cheeks heating up. “Well, I figure we stay as close to the truth as possible. We don’t change anything other than throwing in a convincing proposal story. We’ve lived together before, so we already know all of each other’s worst habits, which will make it much easier to act like a couple.” Dan shrugs.

Phil shifts, licking his lips before speaking. Dan tries very hard not to follow that movement, but his eyes betray him. “About that, actually. You do realize that they’ll do home visits, right? And if we’re fully doing this, I’ll seriously have to co-foster with you, Dan.”

The truth hadn’t been put quite so bluntly yet, and it wasn’t until Phil said it that Dan fully realized just what he had gotten his best friend into. Not only had he asked him to pretend to be in a long-term, committed relationship with himself, but by doing all this he was also asking Phil to agree to be a parent. They’d have to sign the papers together and seriously commit to becoming foster parents as a unit.

“Did you think about this at all, Dan?” Phil is squinting at him, looking miles away and far too close all at once.

Dan suddenly feels nauseous as thoughts of Phil feeding a baby or teaching a little boy how to ride a bike, or even arguing with a teenage girl cycle through his mind, each of them making him dizzy. Not because he didn’t like to imagine himself co-parenting with Phil; actually, quite the opposite. This future that he’s basically throwing himself into looks so good, and he feels like he might throw up with the thought that it wouldn’t actually be real.

His current existential crisis comes to a screeching halt as he remembers Charlotte. He isn’t doing this for himself or to satisfy some twisted fantasy he might’ve had ten years ago about having a family with Phil. He was doing this because he wanted to help kids like Charlotte, who didn’t have a family that gave a damn. Throwing every other thought out of his head helps him get a grip on what he thinks he’s feeling. It’s nothing other than some old memories and dreams that never came to be, and never would, either. Fixating on it now wouldn’t help him, or the kids he truly wanted to help.

Dan doesn’t realize how much he’d tuned out until he tunes back in and finds Phil’s hand on his thigh, squeezing gently, his eyes wide with worry. “Are you alright? You looked sick. Are you… are you regretting this already?” Phil asks softly.

Shaking his head, Dan gives him an uneasy smile that probably does nothing to convince Phil that he’s alright. “No, no. Of course not. I wouldn’t have asked anyone else to do this, you know that, right? That may sound weird, but you’re the only person I think I could have trusted with this.” Phil nods, uncertain but the worry on his face softens. “I guess I just feel a little guilty. I get that I’m asking more than just “hey, pretend to be engaged to me!” I’m literally asking you to step into a parenting role, which is something I didn’t even really consider when I asked in the first place.”

Phil nods slowly. “Yeah… You know that’s why I sort of freaked out earlier. It wasn’t because of what you asked, exactly.” He hesitates then, looking away from Dan. “It was mostly just the implications behind what you asked that made me a little… uneasy.”

“I know.” Dan nods, picking at the skin around his nails. “I realize that, now. If you…” He takes a deep breath before offering Phil an out. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel like I’ll be mad if you don’t. I really want this, but that doesn’t mean you do.” Dan laughs without humor. “Hell, I really don’t even know if you even want kids, let alone if you’re ready to start being a parent now.”

There’s a beat of silence where both men seem to be lost in their own thoughts before Phil speaks again. “I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to be a parent, you know? I think they all just jump into it at some point, but I don’t think the majority of parents are ever fully ready.” He shrugs then. “And I’m probably not ready either, but I know I want to do this with you. I know how much this means to you, and I know I’d hate myself later if I didn’t at least try.”

Dan almost tears up, but instead he laughs, shoving Phil gently. “You already sound like a parent, all wise and stuff.” They both laugh quietly before the silence resumes. “Thank you,” Dan whispers.

Phil glances up at him, quirking an eyebrow. “You’re welcome. But I’m not just doing this for you. I’ve always said I wanted to foster if I could. You’re just giving me a good excuse to do it.” Phil grins, and Dan rolls his eyes. He figured they’d had enough serious conversation for one night. They still had a few things to work out, but he was starving right now, so he figured that could wait until after they eat something.

“Right.” He stands up to go fetch his laptop, so they can order something. After the day they’d had, he figured they deserved to be lazy and eat takeaway. “Do you want Indian or Chinese tonight?” He asks as he pulls his MacBook off the desk across the lounge.

“Chinese sounds good, actually.” Phil responds, reaching over to grab the remote before turning the tv on. They were so comfortable in each other’s homes that it was almost comical.

A few minutes later Dan places their usual order before closing his laptop and putting it back where he got it. “Do you wanna talk about some of the stuff we need to work out before the food gets here?” He asks, suddenly feeling slightly awkward. He feels that his awkwardness is justified, however, seeing as it’s not every day you find yourself fake engaged to your best friend.

Phil nods, putting the remote beside him on the couch without selecting a show to watch. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. And then we can just lay around being lazy for the rest of the night.” He smiles at Dan.

Dan returns to his earlier seat beside Phil, nodding at his plan. “Are you staying over tonight?” He asks. He almost wishes Phil would say no so he could have some space to process all this, but then he feels bad because it’s actually been a couple weeks since they’d slept over at each other’s flats.

Phil nods, pulling the blanket from off the back of the couch where Dan had left it last night. “Might as well. Er- unless you don’t want me to?” He asks, glancing at Dan with slightly pink cheeks.

Shaking his head, Dan shoves Phil lightly. “You know I like having you around. Of course, I want you to stay.” He rolls his eyes at the absurdity of Phil suggesting otherwise. The thought of him sleeping over prompts a different thought, however. “Speaking of that, though.” He almost blushes when Phil looks at him in question, but they probably both realized that this was going to come up. “We’re going to need to live together.”

The surprise that briefly crosses Phil’s face is quickly followed by understanding. “Oh, yeah. I kind of just glossed over that part in my panic, I think.” He brings a hand up to rub awkwardly at the back of his neck, his eyes avoiding Dan’s.

“Well, it’s not like we’ve never lived together. It’s just been like, what, three years? Four?” Dan honestly doesn’t remember how long it had been since they moved out of their last shared apartment and into separate ones, but he knew it’d been at least a couple years. Honestly besides the fact that they no longer lived together full-time, not much had changed. They still saw each other basically every day, and they often spent the night at each other’s flats. Yet somehow, they still weren’t sick of each other.

“Four.” Phil responds distractedly. “You know, my lease is actually up in about three months.” He says nonchalantly.

Dan smiles at this. It would make things much easier, especially since the approval process could take up to six months. If Phil was going to have to either renew his own lease or move soon, this was basically perfect timing. “Well, you know mine’s not up for another two years.” Dan responds in the same nonchalant fashion that Phil had.

It has the desired effect, and Phil laughs. “So, I guess that means I’ll be moving in here?” He asks, leaning his head on the back of the sofa and tilting to face Dan. The way the light now falls across his face is a little too perfect, and Dan mentally curses him for managing to look so effortlessly brilliant. That’s a thought he can totally have about his best friend, right?

“Well, I mean, if you want. We could always just go with yours or into a new one, but I figure my flat’s pretty big as it is. I have the spare bedroom and that other room I have as an office but don’t really use. I think it could work.” Dan nods, trying to act like he isn’t as excited as he is about the prospect of them moving in together again. Putting the whole situation aside, he really did miss living with his best friend sometimes, even when he did annoying shit like leaving the cupboards open.

“I think that’s a great idea. I’ve always liked your flat better than mine, anyway.” Phil shrugs as if it’s common knowledge, but Dan is honestly a little shocked. Phil must notice this, because he rolls his eyes. “Come on, Dan. I always prefer to come over here instead of us staying at mine.”

Dan pouts slightly at the way Phil implies it’s so obvious. “I just thought maybe you didn’t want to tidy up, so you just thought it was easier to come here.” That earns him an elbow to the ribs, but he just laughs. “Alright, well if that’s sorted. We can start moving your things in whenever you want to.” Another thought occurs to him then, and he blushes. “Er- when we get approved and we get a child placed with us, we’ll probably have to share a bedroom.” He feels awkward suggesting it, but he knows it’s true.

Phil shrugs as if this doesn’t bother him nearly as much as it bothers Dan. “I figured. I hope you don’t steal blankets as bad as you used to.”

The comment is quick and just a general observation by someone who was close enough to Dan to have platonically shared a bed with him enough to know that sort of thing, but Dan still feels a blush crawling up his neck. Phil knew him so well, but sometimes the fact that he knew little domestic details like that still managed to surprise him.

“I do not do that. I don’t really think I ever did.” Dan offers lamely in his own defense.

Phil shrugs, staring at the tv as it cycles through different Netflix options. “Say what you want, Howell, but when we start sleeping together the truth will come out.”

Dan’s about to make a sarcastic comment, but the sound indicating that the take away guy is there is enough to make him think better of it, instead heading to the buzzer to let him in. “I’ll be right back. Do you want Ribena or some wine?” Dan asks as he grabs his wallet from where he’d left it earlier.

“Ribena, please.” Phil laughs as he allows himself to sink further down on the sofa. “I have to work tomorrow, and I don’t exactly feel like getting wine drunk tonight.”

Dan rolls his eyes but finds himself unable to stop grinning as he goes to collect the takeaway. “Boring,” he teases.

Phil sits up a little, before nodding to the staircase. “Want me to help carry everything back up?”

Shrugging, Dan gestures for Phil to follow him downstairs, where the delivery man is probably tempted to just leave. He goes to open the door with Phil by his side, double checking that the cash he had was enough to cover the food and a tip.

“Here you go,” the boy says, holding the food out. Phil reaches for it as Dan finishes counting the money before handing it over. The delivery boy looks a little surprised at first but smiles as he tucks the tip money into his pocket. “Thank you! You guys have a good night and enjoy your meal!”

Just as Dan goes shut the door, Phil calls out, “Thanks, you too!”

The door closes with a click and Dan turns around, giving Phil a look, raising his eyebrows when Phil doesn’t seem to catch on. “Phil,” he says slowly.

“What?” He asks, already halfway up the staircase.

Dan rolls his eyes as he follows. “You said “You too” to him,” he explains, exasperated.

Phil glances back at him before giggling. “No, I- you! He knew what I meant!”

“You should never be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.” Dan can only shake his head at his best friend.

“Oh, thank god, I won’t have to talk to you anymore!”

[elinaline]

Got tagged by @mixmio​ thanks ! my brain does not want to focus on work these days so perfect

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

it’s like. black. I rarely use it though, because if I brush my hair it looks like a bomb exploded on my head fdjkfh so I untangle it after putting in conditioner and usually I just fight it with my bare hands in the morning

2. name of a food you never eat?

cucumber. fuck that vegetable it’s disgusting way too smelly and the texture is fucking horrible

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm !!!!!! and it’s only gonna get worse (: woohoo

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was being anxious lmao, and weirdly emotional because of that playlist spotify gave me. Also thinking about how to formulate the things I want on my report for my precedent internship that I still need to conclude.

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

is it twix ? is it mars ? I never know the difference carambar good also

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

I used to be in the official orchestra of a professional rugby team so I’ve been to a few dozens official sports events actually !! I’ll always remember the patrouille the France oing over our head as we were playing for a France-Ireland match in Bordeaux, that was amazing, and Irish rugby fans are so fun :)

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

“oh it’s bubbling up !” talking about a cake I’m trying to do with sourdough starter

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

fucking uuuhhhhh blueberry ? there’s no better ice cream taste than one made from wild blueberries that you went out in the moutain to pick with your family after noticing a good spot during a hike :3

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

orange juice 5mins ago

10. do you like your wallet?

yeah ? it’s convenient I.... it’s got lots of pockets ? idk it’s sturdy wh. that’s a weird question actually

11. what was the last thing you ate?

lunch made by my roommate ! also a bit of the paste from aforementioned cake lol

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

no I don’t intend on buying new clothes until a loooonnnngggg time I don’t particularly need any plus like. quarantine lol.

13. last sporting event you watched?

uh.

the. no wait ? no that’s it probably bits of the tour de france last summer ?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

there are different flavors between salt and sugar ???????????? anyways salted popcorn is absolutely disgusting so. sugar. there are different flavors ? what a wild world we live in

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

@breadstyx​ I was talking to them about the cake

16. ever go camping?

rarely

we were supposed to go camping this weekend, since it’s a long one what with May 8, with my class as sort of like one last big event altogether but :) fuck us I guess lol

17. do you take vitamins?

I used to in highschool bc I had toxoplasmosis and it fucking drained me. I’ve also taken some magnesium complements this year because I had vertigo caused by stress because it was such a nice year for me (: (: (:

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

LMAOOOOO NO

19. do you have a tan?

I’ve been stuck inside for the last two months and there is basically no direct sun in my apartment. so. I’m white as fuck rn

I’ll get SO sunburnt as soon as I can go outside lol but catch me rolling in the grass as soon as they reopen the parks, I haven’t seen grass in 52 days fuck off. Like knowing we’d get out of quarantine but that the parks would still be closed for a while did a funny number on my mental health hahaaaa

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

I’m not a big Chinese food fan generally :/ also what kind of pizza are we talking about ?

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                      

before I answer this question I need to know what you define as soda because I’ve never understood what non French people meant by that. also generally I don’t use straws apart for like milkshakes and smoothies

22. what colour socks do you wear?

right now I’m barefoot

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I haven’t driven in years my guy fdkfh but usually no I’m exactly at the speed limit I’m terrified of driving and I hate it SO

24. what terrifies you?

like, right now, or ? in general ? I’m terrified of every countries around slowly turning into authoritarian regimes and not being able to do shit, I’m terrified of the general mistrust towards science I can see in the general public, I’m terrified of the rise of fascism, I’m terrified of climate change in a very short term idea because I can’t bear many more summers above 45°C and in the long term because I’d like today’s kids to have a future, I’m terrified of never being enough and not getting a PhD funding, I’m terrified people will get bored of me or think I’m not useful anymore and leave me and I’d have to rebuild myself from zero again, I’m terrified of the general idea of losing control, I’m terrified of big empty spaces, I’m terrified of causing harm of any kind without being able to control or reduce it. You know the usual dose of existential fear and then some, and then some more for good measure haha :)

25. look to your left what do you see?

a calendar

26. what chore do you hate?

doing the dishes and getting the bin out because it hurts my back

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

":)” loved going to Melbourne would love to go back I miss my friend there

28. what’s your favourite soda?

seriously define soda first. If you mean drink with bubble I don’t like any of them basically. If you mean processed drink with an average of five sugar cubes per can I’d say Oasis ? or Ice Tea

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

never been to a drive through. fast foods yeah ! there used to be a Declercq (it’s like belgian fries, v good, v greasy, perfect for a friday night with friends) near my school but they had an oil fire so it burned down :( so now the alternative for greasy fries is BK

30. who was the last person you talked to?

@breadstyx​ whom I sent a message to about the cake. IRL I live with my roommate so.

t31. favourite cut of beef?

one that’s tender ? you think I know perfectly which cut is what and not that I don’t buy the cheapest one when I feel like polluting a lot with what I eat ?

32. last song you listened to?

I’m currently listening to a spotify playlist. I’s currently playing hang on

Willow tree by twin wild i’ve never heard of these guys but ok

33. last book you read?

oh fuck I’m in a “unable to read” period lmao. Probably one of the October Daye series uh. The one where her mom comes to steal her fiance and her twin

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihfedcba

took a while but I think it’s correct ? It’s like. I know sequences that are easy to invert and I need to link them together that’s the tricky part

35. how do you like your coffee?

black

36. favourite pair of shoes?

Before I bought my docks I had those huge bulgy shoes that I loved because no one could step on my feet in the metro, but the insole started caving in in a weird way and it hurt my ankle so I had to stop wearing them :(

37. the time you normally go to bed?

(: NORMALLY around midnight, but rn it’s more like. between 1 and 2 am when I’m not too bad

38. the time you normally wake up?

NORMALLY around 8 but I’ve decided 9.30 would be good, and I usually am able to get up only by 10am

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

I’m usually not awake for sunrises but both are good. I like the hour JUST after sunset best because it’s like. you can see daysky on one side and nightsky on the other, and everything is sort of blue or sort of orange

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re round and kinda concave so that food doesn’t get out ? I? do you have many weird questions like that

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I’m a sucker for a good piña colada but it’s hard to get them exactly right, like the balance between too sweet and too creamy is subtle

43. do you play cards?

in highschool I used to but I’ve forgotten all the game we’d do

44. what colour is your car?

don’t have one

45. can you change a tire?

lmao

46. your favourite province?

If we’re talking french region, Aquitaine is the closest I’ve ever felt to being home I guess ? I love the Pyrenées as well, all three old regions I don’t know the new ones fdfsdhfsdf

47. favourite job you’ve had?

I’ve only ever done summer camp counselor as a summer job, and I’ve had both a traumatising experience filled with sexual harassment and a really good experience that helpes me get more self confident so.

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

it’s not really a scar it’s a bump on my head that never left, I hit my brother in the garden pool at full speed when I was 7

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

afaik nothing but I’m about to put this cake to bake SO

I am tagging uuuuuuuuuhhh say @sunny-day-sky andddd @queerlynx but like. don’t feel pressured to do it, it’s a Lot

[5am-raining]

『SWAMPED』

■ 8月.15日.2019年 〜「day 5┊100dop ♪」

This week has been rough. I don't even know WHY it's been so rough, but it has been. Bad luck I guess...

『プログレス』 ❌ Work has felt hectic (I've been leading all week bc we have a ton of kids, and we'll have even more next wk). ❌ It's been hot, and walking during my commute has been tiring. Plus there's a reroute all month so it's taken sooo long to get home, like double the time. ❌ My co-counselor brought all of us staff fancy pastries this morning and I sat on mine while trying to break up some kid drama, so I had a giant peach and jam stain on my butt all day. ❌ I def didn't slot myself enough time to finish my homework this wk, so I was RUSHING to get that done and didn't do the best job on it. ❌ I felt awkward in class because I kind of disagreed with something the Professors were saying, and wasn't sure how that came across. ❌ Next wk I have to be one of three clients for a mock interview (that lasts about an hr), so on top of my homework I also need to prepare for that and meet my group to discuss it. I am not looking forward to it! ✨ One of the kids had a birthday coming up so everyone got cupcakes before camp ended today. 💮 I did manage to turn in my homework in time (3 mins late actually, lol). ❗I have sooo much work to do over the weekend. 😭

[studyari]

26 trying to become an engineer. (2nd attempt)

Hello everyone :-)

Today I’ve been feeling pretty down and thought, well, I may as well do something that might get my mind off of my mood. I thought, “hey maybe I’ll share my story on tumblr.” So, here I am spiraling.

This is not my main blog but I did notice that over the years it was hard to find blogs that were active. Somehow, I came across the ‘studyblr’ community and couldn’t believe how many people were currently using this platform in that way. I’m starting school in the fall so I thought it would be a cool idea to also make one, and maybe it would keep me motivated! We will see. I have a good feeling because there are already sooo many amazing resources and advice tips. It’s very reassuring.

I guess I should start my story off with a few details about who I am and the type of life I had before coming to this point. My name is Ari and I love learning but I never had the vision or drive to look forward into the future very much. I did not concern myself with the responsibilities of adulthood when I was in high school. During that time, I wasn’t really focused on anything in particular. I didn’t sign up for the AP Classes, I didn’t see myself going to college, and the classes I wanted to take, I never was able to get in (my school already had overcapacity classes and it was the oldest high school in my city picture the not having enough books, packed classes, and old and worn learning materials). I really wanted to get into horticulture and signed up for it 3 years straight to no avail. Even though I lacked the competitive spirit and drive, I still had high enough standards for myself to try my best in school even if I didn’t know exactly why I was doing it. I did well and my class rank, I found out was #3. I only found out because the teacher I worked for would tell me “hey you’re really close to having to give a speech” to that I was like HUH? I also was way too shy to even think about that so I just kind of brushed it off. But to this day, I wonder what I could have accomplished if I had the same goals my peers had. 

My counselor nominated me for a scholarship to which I was surprised but I applied to the school (the only school I applied to) and wrote my essay. I did this because I was honored someone actually thought of me. The school could only put up one person per scholarship per university. I’m sure she put me up because of my math scores if I’m being honest. 

By that time I had decided to go into the military, because some guy from the Navy came and talked to our class. I thought, I’m sure I could do that? I was basically doing the things I needed to do my senior year so that after I graduated I could have a job. But unexpectedly, the teacher that I worked for pulled me aside one day and asked me what my plans for the future were. I told him I’m most likely joining the military and that I applied to a university but there’s no way I could pay for it. I already had received a letter that I was denied the scholarship. He sincerely looked at me and told me that I could do anything with my life and that going into the military is great but that I could join that whenever. He told me “not everyone gets to go to college.” I shrugged because I didn’t feel like I was in control of any of that. But then he did something while I was in his computer lab and it was near the end of the school year. He had called up the university I applied to and asked them about my application…. He did that for me. And after getting off the phone with them he told me the lady said “she’ll be very happy.” Although not disclosing any details. For some reason the small gesture moved me and I’m pretty sure that was the moment that I started believing that I could actually accomplish things. I started being able to think about the things I wanted out of life. I could make the decisions of what I want to be, not some recruiter. 

It wasn’t until I got my acceptance letter stating that I had received a full ride scholarship that it all became real. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think I would ever go to college but now I have a way?

Fast forward to my freshman year of college. I was 17. It was in a new city, I was on my own for the first time in my life, I had met a lot of new people, and I was a first year engineering student hoping to graduate in electrical engineering and I was proud of it. I had felt like I had already accomplished so much just off the fact I was accepted into that program. However, reality started to sink in quick. School was HARD, the classes were HUGE 200 students in most of my classes. I procrastinated, stayed up too late, was not understanding my homework, and failing my tests. I felt like a failure and I failed Chemistry I that year. The next semester, I hoped things would be better but in fact it was much worse. I was horrible and completely lost in my computer engineering course and couldn’t create a working program for the life of me, I couldn’t even create a FLOWCHART. Because of the class size I was deathly afraid to raise my hand and just ask a question. I just kept my mouth shut hoping for the best, for a miracle really. I struggled in Calc 2 and especially in Physics I. I didn’t fail any of the classes but with the grades I received it felt no different. I received D-’s for two of my classes and I felt hopeless. I felt dumb. I thought I need to figure something out, because my scholarship covers 4 years for me. I can’t afford to retake a class I just can’t.

And during that summer I transferred out. I told my mom about my experience and she didn’t have much sympathy for me. Just heard things like “well if it was me, I would have made an A”. I tried explaining to her how hard and difficult it was but I didn’t receive any emotional support that day. In my eyes I thought I tried my best. Honestly, that interaction just furthered my belief into thinking yeahhh it is my fault. I just can’t do it. 

I was in this space where I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore and it scared me. I talked with an advisor and she helped me make a schedule to explore more majors. I explored art, math, and environmental tech. I ended up completely dropping Calc 3 because I was making like 20% on my first test *sigh*. But I did well enough in my gen eds. I truly thought school wasn’t for me. And keep in mind I also was working the entire time through college and it would take me an hour to walk there and an hour to walk back to my dorm. I really needed money T_T. My priorities were all mixed up back then. I also was dating someone who was very very bad for me. He was a cheater, never wanted to see me, and I would miss classes just because we were arguing. I ended up losing a lot of friends because of my terrible relationship as I was spending all my time on him and not on other aspects of my life. I broke up with him my junior year of college.

After that I found myself really focusing hard on my grades, wanting A’s, wanting to do well. I told myself the difference between an A and a B is just effort. My senior year I was working as well as taking 21 credit hours a semester just to graduate. I actually had to submit paperwork to be allowed to take that many hours per semester. I had little time to myself really and I would sleep on the benches outside in between classes. I was so tired my entire senior year but I know for the first time I was doing my absolute best to graduate. I needed to graduate AND do well.  I ended up graduating in environmental tech which is under the college of forestry at my university. So it was very different than what I started off in. I was proud for a little until I moved back home.

When I got back home I couldn’t find a job in my field. I would get interviews and I would get ‘almost’ hired but I would be rejected last minute. It’s either a hiring freeze, simple rejection, or the ‘you need a car’ to work here. But I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have job to get the car and so what I did was say Fuck IT. I got a job as a cashier making $7.25 an hour at a donut shop. I could hardly save money because my family would always ask me for some. I ended up talking to a recruiter and I was about to join the military for real as I’m from a military town and jobs that weren’t the hospital or military were virtually nonexistent. That’s what I planned to do and I remember writing on my calendar in my room to “save $400” before I left. And that was a goal looking back now, made me realize how much I was struggling in that environment. 

I left. And I joined the military. I knew that I could get a free education and housing so that’s why I did it. It wasn’t a very good reason but I’m so glad that’s what I did. I grew up so much while I was there. I earned an electronics degree while I was there. In fact we went over the same exact things I learned in computer engineering, but this time I could understand and it came easy to me.  Learned a new skill. Learned social skills. Learned how to stand up for people. Learned how to manage others and really really show them that I cared. I got my first car, got my first apartment, and I learned what it meant to live comfortably and securely, even if work itself was more stressful than anything I’ve ever known. I accomplished a lot in the four years I spent there, I met so many people that are now all over the world, I have a network, and I even met my current boyfriend.  

I am now 26. Those four years I spent in the military allowed me to think about my future and what I wanted to do. I am still trying to be an engineer. I think I gave up too easily when I was 17 and I was not in the right mindset. I didn’t think I was as smart as everyone else around me. I didn’t think I deserved to be there. But I was wrong. I did deserve to be there. Now that I’m older I understand I was going through a lot of things and had very little support and I didn’t believe in myself enough. I believe we can do anything we set our minds to, because it’s about effort. This is where my new journey begins.

I’m 26 years old and I don’t think it’s too late. I’m going to be starting my nano-engineering courses in the fall and retaking chem and physics. And I will do well no matter what it takes. I’ve been talking to someone at the university here and they say that I have a good chance at getting into their Materials Science and Engineering M.S. program. Me, someone without an engineering B.S. This is where I’d like to update my story. And hopefully someone out there can relate or share their journey as well. It’s been hard understanding that I am deserving to be here and to ask questions and actually succeed. I’m not giving up this time. No way. The things you love and are passionate about will always come back to you.

[phanwritings]

Prayin’

Tittle: Prayin'

Word Count: 6.3K

Description: Dan was a seventeen year old boy with religious parents and a crush on his best friend.

Warnings/Triggers: Being caught, being outed, unsupportive parents, being kicked out, themes of homophobia. (There is a happy ending though!)

A/N: I've spent the past three days writing this, I hope you enjoy it. It has a lot of my life experiences in it. Also, I suck at endings and didn't know how to properly end it. Soz.

Read it on ao3 or wattpad if you’d like! They always get updated first btw 

*

"No, I can't be gay. They don't want me to be gay," he cried, trying to hide his face. Dan didn't want anyone to notice he was crying, even though someone was bound to. He was sat in the principal's office, his English teacher, principal, best friend and maybe boyfriend Phil, and the guidance counselor crowded around him. Dan wished they would give him some space.

Him and Phil had gotten caught kissing underneath the bleachers by the English teacher during 5th period, which was why they were in the office. The office normally would have called their parents but considering the fact that both of their parents were extreme Christians decided against it. The principal had then called the guidance counselor up to come and speak to them. "My parents are gonna kill me. Please don't tell them, please."

Dan tried to hide another sob, shuddering in the chair. He could feel everyone's gaze on him. It was nerve-wracking. Phil hesitantly placed his hand on Dan's back, rubbing it up and down, clearly trying to be soothing. When his parents heard he was going to be kicked out, he was sure of it.

*

WEEKS EARLIER

"Class! Please pay attention!" The teacher demanded at the front of the class. "For our new assignment we will be studying how music can affect mostly silent scenes in TV shows and movies. This will be a week long project, due this Friday, and will be a test grade. You may pick one partner, I have to approve the partnership before you start working. You will both receive the same test grade, pick wisely. You may begin."

Dan quickly glanced to Phil, knowing for certain that they would pick each other. They always did. His gaze met with Phil's and he nodded, granting Dan permission to get approval from the teacher. Dan walked up to her desk, noticing how Phil quickly moved to get a laptop from the cart. He loved how quickly they worked together.

Dan walked back to their desk, Phil now having the laptop set up. "My place tonight?" Dan asked Phil as he slid into his seat. "We can order pizza and knock this project out in a few hours. If we do it again tomorrow night we'll be done and then we can have this class period for the rest of the week to do our homework during the day."

"I love how your brain works," Phil grinned. "Let me text my mom during break, it should be fine though. We're both guys, not like we'll do anything when your parents aren't home." Phil laughed.

"Yeah," Dan gave a weak smile and tried to give a convincing laugh, probably failing dramatically.

*

"I can't believe we didn't have any homework today," Dan exclaimed as they started the walk to his house. "That's never happened before!"

Phil laughed, speeding up so he could keep up with Dan who had started to skip. "I know! We might be able to finish our project tonight, then we'd have almost the entire week free!"

"Can you imagine? We could get a start on our homework every day, or maybe read, it would be great!" You could call them both nerds but they loved to stay ahead in school. It was something important to the both of them, and probably one of the reasons they clicked so well together. They had been friends since grade school, meeting after Dan moved from across the country. It was frightening and overwhelming, to say the least.

Dan had just walked onto the playground for the first time. It was a dreadful day. Dan didn't get to start at the beginning of the school year, much less the beginning of the week. He had to be the new transfer student that joined the school on a random Wednesday in March. It was terrible and made a person realize how alone you could be.

Dan had carefully walked through the playground. He didn't really want to go down a slide - he was nine now and much too old for slides, at least that's what his brother said. He saw the start of woods at the edge of the playground. Dan tentatively walked towards one of them, sitting down on the ground. He was out of the way, no one had to talk to him, and he could be alone. It was perfect. Until a boy with ginger hair had come along.

"Hi!" The boy had said, standing in front of Dan and blocking the very little sun. It had been an rather gloomy day, something Dan appreciated. It matched his mood perfectly. "I'm Phil! You're the new kid, right?"

"No," Dan had said, sneering at the boy. "I'm the wildly popular kid, obviously." The boy, Phil, had just laughed before he sat down next to him. How could he! Dan had wanted to be alone and he had thought he made that quite clear. What other type of person sits against a tree away from everyone else?

"You're funny," Phil said. "Do you want to see my Pokemon cards? I just got some new ones yesterday! And a binder to hold them in!" Dan didn't want to admit it but he was rather curious to see his collection. He didn't have loads himself but he enjoyed trading.

"Okay," He said, standing up after Phil and following him to a picnic table. Other kids were surrounding it and Dan tried to remain calm about it.

"You'll get to meet some of my friends too, they're all very nice, I'm sure you like them," Phil assured, sitting down at one edge of the table and grabbing a navy blue binder. "The girl with the long brown hair is Louise and the girl with the short brown hair is Dodie. They're probably my best friends. And then Connor and Troye are over by that tree." He waved to the two boys that were playing ball.

"Why do you have girl best friends?" Dan asked, trying to figure out why Phil didn't say Troye and Connor were his best friends instead.

Phil just shrugged. "Why shouldn't I? They're nice and they aren't rough like some boys. Well, Connor and Troye aren't rough and noisy either. That's why I like them so much." Dan figured that this reasoning was good enough. It actually sounded pleasant to him. He hated when boys were rowdy and destroyed things. It was always better when you could just talk. Dan decided right then and there that he would give Phil and his friends a chance. Phil seemed kind enough.

Ever since that day they had all been friends. However, one thing changed. Dan was now definitely Phil's best friend and it been that way for a long while. Dan would never tell Phil this, but he was so glad that he talked to him on that day. He couldn't imagine where he would be if he didn't have Phil, and he was sure that Phil felt the same way. Dan looked at his best friend, listening to him speak about the latest video game update he had installed. Dan took in the way he kept his gaze on the pavement most of the time but occasionally flickered up to meet his, noticed how he always gave Dan a small smile. He was so lucky to have Phil in his life.

Dan could only hope that never changed.

*

"Ugh," Phil moaned from Dan's bed. "Can we please order pizza now? I am so done with this project."

"We're almost done. If we order pizza now we'll be nearly finished by the time it gets here. We could finish it and proofread after we eat. Sound good?" Dan proposed. Phil nodded glumly from his bed, an arm flung over his eyes. "Are you tired?"

Phil let out a grunt of confirmation. Dan wished he could go lie down on his bed next to Phil but figured that would be very weird and he didn't want Phil to think that Dan was acting weirdly. He couldn't notice any changes in Dan.

"Are you going to church on Wednesday? My brother is going to be leading the youth group." Dan questioned, going onto their favorite pizza website and starting to place their order. They had studied together so many times Dan knew what Phil always wanted and vice versa. It made Dan happy to know the little things about Phil, more than it did with his other friends. In fact, when it came to Phil, so many things were different about him. Dan automatically cared more about Phil when it came to anything, as terrible as that sounded. It's not that he didn't care about his other friends, it's just that he really cared about Phil. It's not like this was a bad thing, it just meant that they are close. But Dan was starting to wonder. Why hadn't he ever felt this way for anyone else before? Did that mean anything? Dan was shaken out of his thoughts by Phil responding.

"Yeah, we are. Mum doesn't want to miss your brother's first sermon. It's apparently a big deal." Phil spoke up. "I mean what is he even going to talk to us about? It's not like he knows way more than we do, he's only a few years older. Just because he's graduated with a degree from some fancy private school doesn't mean he can magically make a bunch of teenagers listen to him, no matter what they taught him."

Dan laughed, agreeing with Phil's statement. And half an hour later when the doorbell rang and Phil got up and stretched, Dan tried not to follow his shirt as it rose on his stomach. He didn't want to think about what this meant. He really, really didn't.

*

"Daniel! Time to leave!" His mother yelled up the stairs. Dan quickly slipped his shoes on and ran the stairs. He had known that if he was late his mother would get mad at him. If there was one thing that his family took seriously it was religion. Dan had been baptized when he was seven. His views on Christianity had changed as he grew older but he knew he believed in a God. It just made sense to him.

He knew Phil was kind of similar to him. He had also been raised in the religion, his parents a similar level of conservative to Dan's, which was pretty conservative. Phil had expressed his dislike of the beliefs that most of the church shared. The fact that the girls had to go through a ceremony where they received a flower, symbolizing their virginity and how it shouldn't go to anyone until marriage. The guys had no lesson on this. It was sexist and hetero-normative, something both of them despised.

Both Dan and Phil considered themselves open-minded, especially in comparison to the members of their church. Dan didn't know all of Phil opinions, but he knew they were more liberal than some of the youth group. Troye and Connor, mutual friends of theirs, had come out a year or so ago and Dan knew that Phil was nothing but supportive. Dan didn't know how Phil would react to a guy having a crush on him. Especially if that guy was his best friend. Dan wasn't sure if he had a crush on him, but it would certainly explain a lot. He never liked a girl before but he had just thought that was because he was being a good Christian. His mom had said that some guys don't really like girls until their later teens, but Dan still didn't like a girl, even though he was seventeen. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. He could remember really liking one guy and wanting to be friends with him, or the one time where he got really jealous when a girl started talking to his old best friend before he moved.

Dan sighed, relaxing against the seat in the car, gazing out the window. He wished his head would just shut up or figure out what he was feeling. He was already looking forward to seeing Phil at church, even though they had walked home together only hours ago. He couldn't talk to him about what was going on in his head but he could figure out his views and opinions. First, he had to listen to his brother's sermon. Maybe he could ask his brother. He couldn't be too obvious about it though, his brother was basically a pastor now.

They arrived at the church, Dan quickly spotting Phil and making his way towards him. Dan had to be there early because of his brother, Phil just came early because Dan would be there early. It made Dan feel warm on the inside.

"Hi!" Phil said, scooting over on the pew so that Dan could sit. They were in the Sanctuary, the room where the services where held on Sunday mornings and the adult service on Wednesday. Dan and Phil would be in the youth room tonight.  Dan always liked being in the Sanctuary when no one else was in it. He always felt closer to God. It felt holier without more people in it. Dan sat next to Phil, their shoulders touching. He leaned into him, resting his head on his shoulder. He liked that he could do this, he knew that Phil didn't like most people touching him. He had three exceptions; Dan, his mom, and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Dan was honored to be included in the same group as Sarah Michelle Gellar, who was basically all Phil would ever want in a woman.

"You okay?" Phil asked, probably noticing how much quieter Dan was than usual.

"Yeah," Dan sighed. "I'm just thinking. A lot. And it's annoying."

"Well, what are you thinking about?" Dan sighed again.

"Do think God loves me, no matter what?"

"Considering the fact that the bible says that God has created each and every one of us in His image, loving us unconditionally, would support that claim." Phil said, confident in his answer.

"But do you think that goes for gay people too?" Dan questioned, figuring that he might as well figure out what Phil thought.

"I would think so. If the bible says we are created in His image, why wouldn't that be included?" Phil debated. "If we go by that, God could be anyone. He could be a black trans woman. God is everyone and everything, He is everywhere. I know more and more people are using they/them pronouns for God. I think it makes sense."

"But what about all the people that say gay people go to Hell?" Dan was trying to figure out everything. Phil seemed to have answers to everything he asked so far.

"Well, there are contradicting verses. The bible says that anyone who accepts him goes to Heaven. Why wouldn't that include religious gay people? People in Christianity tend take the two verses in the bible talking about homosexuality to judge an entire group of people. One of those verses weren't even for us, it was for the people of the Old Testament. We don't have to wear one piece of fabric anymore, we get piercings, it's considered okay. We don't follow any of the other rules." Phil sighed, thinking some more. "I think the reason some gay people reject religion is because they've been rejected. Religion is so hurtful to so many people. I know God isn't happy with it. Why would He be? He is love, and that's all He wants for us. The fact that people use the bible, which He influenced, to hate must be hurtful."

Dan let himself relax into Phil more as he rambled on, already feeling better. His eyes caught onto the cross that rested against the wall at the front of the church. He felt at peace in the church for the first time. He let the feeling wash over him, making him feel rested.

"Why are you worrying anyways?" Phil asked, noticing that Dan had closed his eyes.

"Can you promise not to tell anyone? Please?" Dan asked, already worrying like crazy at Phil could say.

"I promise I won't." Phil promised, locking eyes with him when Dan opened his eyes.

"I think I might be gay." He whispered, feeling like there was a lump in his throat. His vision got blurry and he willed himself not to cry. He broke his gaze with Phil, eyes resting on the cross.

"Hey, it's okay," Phil said softly. He moved to hug Dan, their chins resting on each other's shoulders. "I still love you, you're still my best friend. Don't think you're getting out of being stuck with me so easy." Dan let out a watery laugh, closing his eyes and letting himself be held.

"Thanks," Dan said, pulling back.

"What made you start questioning your sexuality? Is it a boy?" Phil asked. He got excited, acting as if he had been struck by lighting. "This is why we never talked about girls! You didn't want to! Now we can talk about crushes!" His voice kept getting louder and louder, Dan getting more and more worried that someone would overhear, like his mom or brother.

"Shh, keep your voice down! We're in church," Dan laughed, Phil apologizing. "But yes, it is because of a boy." Phil got a glint in his eyes, the one Dan knew well. It was the look where Phil was trying to figure something else and he was determined to get it right.

"Who is it?" He asked, clearly curious.

"I'm not telling," Dan said, blushing.

"You have to! I've always told you about the girls I like." Phil turned so that he could pull his feet up onto the pew. If either of their mothers saw him, he would be in trouble. Dan mirrored his movements.

"Ugh, fine," Dan said. "It's, uh . . . it's Troye."

"Oh," Phil said, dejected. Was it just Dan's wishful imagination or did Phil actually look upset? He started to brighten up. "Am I allowed to tease you around him?"

"No!" Dan laughed, already dreading the lie. Phil gave him a smile, Dan smiling back. His mother came to warn them that they had five minutes to get upstairs into the youth room before the adults started pouring into the Sanctuary. They scrambled out of the pew, racing to see who could get up the stairs fastest. Dan ended up winning, but just by a few seconds. They took their seats on the only couch. The youth room had a pool table, table tennis, and a hockey table, but those were all in the back of the room. The front of the room was filled with bean bag chairs and old chairs that they had thrifted over the years. The only couch was basically Dan and Phil's, everyone knew that they sat there every Sunday and Wednesday. It was a low flowery couch with mismatched throws pillows. Dan loved it.

Dan settled close to Phil, looking up at his brother, standing on the platform at the front of the room. Dan could tell that his brother was nervous, it was obvious. His brother was wringing his hands and stuttering every now and then. Dan almost felt bad for him, but it was hilarious. His brother was rarely nervous. Dan was going to enjoy this.

"So, kids, well you're not really kids, so teens, today we're going to talk about something that a lot of guys have probably dealt with, whether it's your friends or social media," His brother started. Dan was wondering what it was, sex, fame? "That something is homosexuality, something that is threatening the youth of our nation."

Dan's face went pale, his limbs stiff. He could feel Phil stiffen next to him. He was not going to enjoy this one bit.

*

"How was Aaron's service, Dan?" His mother asked as they drove home. His dad was staying later to help take down some decorations with Phil's dad. They were going to ride home later, that way the rest of their families could leave at the normal time.

"It was good, yeah," Dan said, staring out the window, trying to process his thoughts. His brother had said all the things that any other preacher had said before. It still hurt though. Phil had grabbed his hand halfway through the service, the action concealed by a throw pillow. "Very informative."

"Aw, that's good! I'm so proud of you, Aaron. What did you talk about? I bet it was good." His mother said, turning into the McDonald's drive thru.

"He talked about how all gay people are going to hell." Dan bitterly said, not being able to hold back his bitter tone.

"Dan! Tone, please," His mom said, pausing to order. "I'm sure that your brother meant well, I'm sure that he didn't say anything incorrect."

"The bible can be interrupted in many different ways! Gay people can be religious, and he could've hurt someone! What if there was a kid there who had just realized he or she was gay? How do you think they dealt with being told that they are going to hell, even though they believe in God? It could be damaging." Dan argued, trying to get his mom to understand his view.

"Dan, please, people chose to be gay," His brother said.

"No, they don't! Ask literally any gay person, they don't chose to be gay. When did you chose to be to straight?" Dan was hoping that his brother would realize his wrongs, or his mom would at least come to his side.

"Why do even care?" His brother shot back. "You're straight." Dan could not come out, he just realized, he could not do that.

"I have gay friends! I know they didn't chose to be gay." Dan said, he wasn't lying, he just wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Dan, just accept that you don't agree with each other," His mother butted in. "I'm sure that your brother didn't mean to hurt anyone and it was a lovely lesson." She handed Dan his bag of food, ending the discussion.

*

"Dan! Why aren't you ready for school?" His mother asked, opening his door. Dan startled awake, sitting up in his bed. He must've fallen asleep after his alarm went off. He stayed up most of the night online trying to figure out what to do about being gay. He needed to get comfortable with his sexuality more and then start to slowly come out when he felt ready, at least that's what most people on the internet said. He looked at his mom in that moment, trying to figure out what she would say about him being gay. Would she kick him out? Would she hate him and disown him? Out of his mom and his dad, his mom was definitely the kinder and more compassionate one. If he wasn't accepted by her he'd be screwed.

"I must've fallen asleep again, sorry. I couldn't sleep well last night," Dan sighed, rubbing at his eyes.

"Well, you missed the bus and I have to get to work. You're going to be late either way, do you want to just stay home? Do you have any tests or anything today?"

"No, I don't," Dan said, checking the time, it was 7:20 a.m. His bus came at 7:15 and his school at started 7:40.

"Alright, just stay home today. Your brother will be home today as well, try not to fight. I know how you two get."

"Okay, mom, love you," Dan said, starting to get out of bed.

"I love you, too," She replied, closing the door behind.

*

"You're a traitor!" Phil shouted the moment he entered Dan's house.

Dan laughed. "What makes you say that?"

"You left me! We had a heart-to-heart yesterday and you didn't even have the nerve to show up to school today!" Phil laughed, taking his backpack off and letting it rest against the wall by the door. "I thought we had something special here."

"I'm sorry," Dan said, laughing at Phil. "I slept in on accident. Mom decided to let me stay home."

"Well, it was still rude," Phil said quieter. "I brought you the homework so you don't get behind."

"Aw, thank you," Dan said, accepting the folder Phil gave to him. "You're like my prince."

"Here to save you from the scary dragon of behind work." Phil giggled, going along.

"My hero," Dan placed a hand over his heart, laughing quietly with Phil. "My brother's home by the way. I don't know where though, just warning you."

"I can't swear, gosh darn it!" Phil joked.

Dan snorted. "I have never heard you swear. Ever."

"Because somebody's always been around!" Phil rebutted. Dan rolled his eyes, walking into the kitchen, Phil trailing behind him. He got out the ice cream and ice cream cones, Phil's favorite snack besides popcorn.

"So, you know how you told me who you like yesterday," Phil started.

"Yes?" Dan raised his eyebrow, scooping out ice cream for both him and Phil.

"Are you planning on telling that person?" Phil asked, voice hesitant. Dan sighed, knowing that he had to come clean.

"I lied to you, I don't have a crush on Troye," Dan made sure to keep his voice down seeing as they were in the kitchen and he didn't know if his brother could hear or not. "I have a crush on another guy."

Phil perked. "Do I know him?"

Dan bit his lip, glancing at Phil from under his lashes. "Um, you do. Really well. He's kind of my best friend."

"Oh," Was Phil's response. Dan couldn't look at him. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, you know my crush as well."

Phil had a crush on somebody? And he didn't mention it until now? Dan felt a little bit betrayed. "Yeah? Who is it?" Dan asked, his voice quiet.

"My best friend."

Dan looked up at him, just now realizing that the ice cream was dripping, and took in Phil's expression. His cheeks were a light pink, his eyes downcast and staring at the floor.

"Really?" Dan asked, trying to not let the hopefulness seep into his tone. It felt like at any moment Phil would jump up and tell him it was a joke, laugh at him, and leave.

"Yeah," Phil looked up, his eyes connecting with Dan's.

"Oh," Dan said, repeating what Phil had said only a bit before. "Well, I'm sure he likes you back."

"Is that so?" Phil said, gaining some of his usual confidence back and cocking an eyebrow. "Would you care to confirm that?"

"I'm sure I could think of some way to," Dan said, leaning over the counter, completely forgetting about the ice cream.

"Yeah, I have a few ideas too," Phil leaned over too, their noses touching.

"Yeah," Dan breathed. He moved his head closer, finally making his and Phil's lips touch. It was unlike Dan had anything had ever felt before. Too soon, Dan was unlocking their lips and looking at Phil. His eyes darted down to his lips, then his cheeks, and back to his eyes. Phil's cheeks were flushed with pink. Dan very quickly decided that he want to do that again. Dan grabbed Phil's hand and dragged him upstairs to his room. They had at least another hour or two until his mom got home, they could kiss quite a bit.

"Are we not talking about this?" Phil asked, following him up the stairs.

"What is there to talk about? I like you, you like me, let's kiss," Dan said, closing the door and shoving Phil against it. He had only made out with one person in his life and he fully intended to have made out with two by the end of the day. Phil shrugged and let Dan kiss him senseless.

*

They had eventually moved to the bed, taking breaks between kissing and talking about whatever random thing they wanted to talk about. They were cuddling and Dan was loving it. Dan was facing Phil and vice versa, Dan's arms wrapped around Phil's waist. Their legs were wrapped together. Dan felt like he was going to burst into giggles at any moment, which he had been doing for the past half hour.  Phil would just laugh with him and pull him closer.

It was one of those moments. Dan had burst into giggles once again when he had realized that Phil liked him back. They had kissed, they were cuddling. It was all hitting him and he couldn't help but giggle over and over. This time Phil had pulled him closer and put a finger under his jaw, guiding Dan's face to his. Their lips met and Dan happily sighed into the kiss, closing his eyes and basking in the feeling of Phil's lips on his.

All of a sudden, his door was being opened, his mother in the doorway, clearly angry. "Daniel Howell! Why is there melted ice cream downstairs on the counter? I know it wasn't your brother, he's lactose intolerant for heaven's sake-" She abruptly stopped when she took in Dan and Phil on the bed. "What are you doing?" Her voice had gone cold, her expression a guarded type of anger.

Dan sat up, knocking Phil's arms off of him. Their legs continued to be tangled together and Dan wanted to untangle them but knew that it would draw more attention. He could tell he was on the verge of crying. He knew his parents' views. "It's not what it looks like!" Phil had sat up as well and Dan could tell that he was scared. Dan's mom was probably going to tell Phil's. Phil had told Dan that his parents didn't care about other people being gay but they didn't want him to be gay. If word got back to them things could go from bad to worse.

"And what does it look like?" His mother asked, stepping into the room. Dan needed to think of a convincing argument.

"We were just tired! Phil came over after school and we were talking and then we laid down! That's all that happened." Dan tried to assure her, convince her that nothing was going on.

"I don't believe you," His mom said. "Phil, I think you should go home. Dan and I need to have a talk." Dan felt like crying as he watched Phil solemnly nod and get out of the bed, walking past his mom and then down the stairs.  Dan looked at the bed, refusing to look at his mom.

Dan heard his mother walking closer to the bed and then felt her sit. "Why did you do this?" She asked, her voice fake sympathetic. Dan shrugged, not wanting to tell her about how Phil made his insides squirm more with every passing day. "Are you gay?" He did not want to answer that question, possibly ever, so he just shrugged again.

"I don't think you need to be seeing Phil anymore," His mom decided after more silence from him. "He's clearly influencing you in a negative way. I don't like it."

His mom got up and left the room, leaving Dan to wonder about how his life had changed so dramatically in less than twelve hours.

*

"What did she say? Why didn't she call my parents? I wouldn't have come out to my parents last night if I had known she wasn't going to call," Phil asked at school the next day.

"She said that we need to stop hanging out and that we shouldn't speak at school but I'm obviously not going to listen to her," Dan replied, leaning into Phil's side. They were sitting on a bench outside of their school while waiting for the first period bell to ring. They had about ten minutes. "I don't know why she didn't call your parents, I was certain that she would have called them. What did they say?"

"I thought they would have cared more but they were completely chill with it. Well, not completely but they weren't mad or anything. I was afraid that they were going to kick me out."

"Well I guess that's good." Dan said, considering what to do about his mom and dad's decision. "I still want to see you. I say that we still hang out but 'forget' to mention it to my family."

"Sounds good," Phil said, snuggling into Dan and hiding his face in Dan's neck. Dan smiled, clasping Phil's hand in his.

*

Three weeks had passed and Dan and Phil had still managed to hide it from Dan's family. Dan was happier than he had been in a while, despite his family's views. He had Phil though, and his supportive friends, it was all fine.

Dan had come to the conclusion that God didn't hate him or Phil. Why would He? Him and Phil had so many discussions about it. Of course they still believed in Him, they still wanted to go to church. Why would their sexuality change that?

"My parents are considering sending me to a camp this summer," Dan mentioned.

"What?" Phil said, shocked.

"I know, I'm going to have to convince them not to send me. I'd be 18, though, they wouldn't be able to force me to."

"Well, you're always welcome at my house, you know that," Phil reminded him. Dan nodded.

"I know," He said, giving him a smile.

"Good," Phil said, smiling back.

*

"Hey, I have a great idea," Phil said at lunch, sitting across from Dan. He raised an eyebrow at Phil.

"And that would be?"

"Skip fifth period and make out under the bleachers," Phil suggested.

"And they say romance is dead," Dan said dryly. Phil laughed and Dan cracked a smile. "But yeah, let's do that."

*

"No, I can't be gay. They don't want me to be gay," he cried, trying to hide his face. Dan didn't want anyone to notice he was crying, even though someone was bound to. He was sat in the principal's office, his English teacher, principal, best friend and maybe boyfriend Phil, and the guidance counselor crowded around him. Dan wished they would give him some space.

Him and Phil had gotten caught kissing underneath the bleachers by the English teacher during 5th period, which why they were in the office. They normally would have called their parents but considering the fact that both of their parents were extreme Christians it was decided against. The principal had then called the guidance counselor up to come and speak to them. "My parents are gonna kill me. Please don't tell them, please."

Dan tried to hide another sob, shuddering in the chair. He could feel everyone's gaze on him. It was nerve-wracking. Phil hesitantly placed his hand on Dan's back, rubbing it up and down, clearly trying to be soothing. When his parents heard he was going to be kicked out, he was sure of it.

Phil took a seat in the seat next to him. He reached his arm over the armrest, it wrapped around Dan's shoulder and pulled him as close as they could be with two armrests between them.

"We have to alert your parents, I'm sorry. You were skipping class and breaking school code, we legally have to inform them," The principal said from his desk. Dan wiped his arms once more, wiping the tears off of his cheeks that were still there. He really wished he hadn't started crying, it was embarrassing, to say the least. Phil had seen him crying but only once, and that was when he broke his arm when he was ten.

Dan closed his eyes, letting his head drop against Phil's shoulder. He wished he had never been stupid enough to skip class to kiss Phil under the bleachers.

*

"I want you out of this house. If you are old enough to be a homosexual, you are old enough to find a place to live," His dad said, opening the door to the house.  "You have an hour to pack."

Dan darted up the stairs, slamming his bedroom door and pulling his suitcase out of the closet and stuffing all the clothes he could into it. Then he grabbed his backpack and packed away his chargers and some more clothes. He quickly texted Phil, telling him he was about to walk over to his house with his stuff. Grabbing his favorite pillow and a toothbrush, he trampled down the stairs. Once outside of the door, he started the walk to Phil's house. He never looked back.

*

Years had passed, Dan and Phil were still dating and still in love.

After they graduated they went to the same college, even sharing a dorm together. It made them closer and they felt more in love than ever before.

Both of them felt at home in their new church, a place that was accepting to all people, no matter what. They loved it.

Dan was a teacher, something he had always wanted to do. He loves his job, the kids, and his coworkers. He was happy and content and loved going into work everyday.

His parents hadn't talked to him since he was 17 on the day that they kicked him out. He was devastated for months after but eventually became happier than ever before, thanks to Phil and his family.

Phil was a video editor. He worked from home, which is very important considering they had just adopted a three year old from China. She was the light of their world and they couldn't wait for her to grow up with them.

They would be better parents than Dan's had been. He was sure of it. And that's what was important.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Writing Prompt #1 :“Why are you so eager to die?” “Because it’s the only way that I can get home.”

“Why are you so eager to die?”

“Because it’s the only way that I can get home.”

I shivered, unable to tell whether it was the freezing wind cutting through my light t-shirt and running shorts , or the sheer hopelessness of his words causing the reaction.

He was beautiful. Standing on the side of the cliff, poised to take the leap into the darkness below, my horrified mind kept cataloguing insignificant details of his appearance. His skin was so light it was almost blue, taking on an almost unearthly glow in the few rays of sunlight. Dark circles shadowed his eyes, a dark green similar to my own. His blond hair fell messily around his face, getting into his eyes. I wanted to brush it out of the way, to hug him and tell him it was okay, but I was afraid any movement in his direction would precipitate his jumping. I should have been thinking of a plan, not staring at him silently. I should call someone:  911, the suicide hotline, my mother… Well, maybe not my mother, it was still 5AM and she would have just gotten home, dropping on the couch in a drunken stupor. It was her fault I was out here running instead of sleeping, her snide comments of “her fat cow” of a daughter hurting more than I wanted to admit. I had drug myself out of bed, put on my barely used running shoes and gone off on the path in the nearby park. I had expected to be cold, miserable and tired. I had not expected to run into a young boy my own age, standing on the edge of a cliff, past the rickety fences and useless warning signs. Poised to jump, he had seemed resigned, accepting of his fate.

Meeting his eyes, I begged him, “Look, I don’t know who you are, or why you are trying to kill yourself, but please, PLEASE think it over. Don’t jump! I know things might seem bad now, but they’ll get better I promise.”

He stared at me blankly, seeming confused by my words.

“You don’t understand, I have to do this. My time here is up.” Again his voice, soft and sad, broke my heart. I angrily brushed the tears from my eyes. Tears wouldn’t help, they never did. I was terrified this strange boy in front of me would die, and I had to help him. Steeling my resolve, I looked him square in the eyes and did something I had never done before. I slowly reached up and grabbed the sweat  bands around my wrists, peeling them off to reveal the skin below. I always wore something there, be it a wide bracelet, long sleeves, anything to keep people from seeing the truth.

“You are not the only one who hates being alive.” I spoke quietly, not wanting to startle him, lifting my wrists to his eye level. The scars had faded somewhat, the multiple cuts I had placed there over time fading into small white lines. The skin throbbed with remembered pain, each cut a time I wanted to feel something, anything. Each time I gave in to the deep need to have some physical manifestation of the hurt I felt inside. Each cut too shallow to do what i had secretly wanted, to take my life and leave me broken and silent on the bathroom floor. Each time I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, but I knew deep down inside that I would… and the next time might be the last.

I never had shown anyone my secret shame, the few friends at school I had were casual acquaintances, nothing more, the teachers, the counselors all looked over me and focused on the brighter students, the ones who smiled, laughed and raised their hands in class. My mother and I only spoke to argue, and I was afraid to show her not because I thought she’d stop me.

I was afraid she’d laugh and tell me to finish the job.

But this boy, this lonely green eyed boy standing on the brink of darkness, he wouldn’t judge me, right? Maybe he would understand, turn away from the cliff and take a step towards me. We would hug each other, whisper kind words and tell each other why we wanted to die, why this world had slowly driven us out. I would support him, and he would support me, and we would make it through this.

For a brief shining moment I saw that future unfold in my eyes, hope I never dared to cultivate growing within me. His eyes took it all in, my scars, my tears, my shaking hands. His face, so composed and serene before broke into the ugliness of desperation, his eyes were wide and panicked.  

“Don’t worry about me! I have to do this, you don’t understand.” He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it in frustration. “ Shit, you weren’t supposed to see this, everyone was supposed to forget about me. ”

Briefly he turned away from the drop ahead of him, and I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding.

“I know this looks bad, but I need you to trust me. This is what has to happen, everything will be ok.”

I nodded slowly, my brain not processing what he was saying. I just hoped to keep him talking long enough to get him away from the edge.

“Okay, I trust you. Why don’t you tell me more about what’s going on and we can figure things out.”

With a sad smile and clear eyes, he lifted his hand up towards me in a brief wave of farewell.

“In another lifetime maybe, but my time has run out.”

Without breaking my gaze he stepped forward, tumbling into the darkness below.

“NOOOO!” My terrified cry rang out through the foggy morning, startling some nearby birds into flight.

I ran to the edge and dropped down on my knees, gazing out for some sign that the boy was ok. Only darkness met my tear-filled view.

He was gone. I didn’t even know his name.

I stepped through the gates, shaking off the chill of death from my newly minted form. This had been my 99th trip to Earth as a guardian angel, a brief stint on the mortal plane to help guide the lost, but the return trip, requiring a death, never got any easier. This had been a particularly hard case, spending time with a young boy with cancer, keeping him company in the brightly lit hospital room during his final months.

Once the boy had passed, I had received notice that it was time to move on, time to return. This compelling call guided me to the nearest cliff, where only empty space had separated me from paradise.

I had not counted on the young girl with the sad eyes and scarred arms.

“She tried to save me.” I whispered to himself, surprised by the sound of regret in my own voice.

“Matthias! What took you so long? You know we can only hold the portal open for so long. They were ready to condemn you as lost you spent so long getting back to us!”

My friend Michael, technically my boss I suppose,  approached eagerly, clapping me on the back in welcome.

“I ran into a complication, a young girl saw me about to pass and thought I was committing suicide.”

I turned to the nearest wall and rested my hand on it briefly, bringing up a visual portal to the mortal realm. The girl knelt at the cliff where I had left her, crying bitterly into her hands. My heart ached, taking in her shaking, lonely form. Where was help for this girl when she needed it? I scowled as I thought about the scars on her wrists, the darkness lurking in her thoughts. She wrestled her own demons, even as she tried to reach out to save me. If only I could have explained what was going on, given her some comfort!

I was so deep in my thoughts that I missed most of Michaels welcoming speech.

“…great job! Of course normally we would give you a few centuries rest before undertaking a new task, but this is unfortunately a special job we feel you are uniquely suited for. “

His words of a new job brought me crashing back to reality.

“What do you mean a new job? I just got back!”

I turned again to portal as he spoke, watching the girl as she continued to cry,

“… special assignment, technically 10 years from your last job in mortal time, and given the sensitive nature of the project, will require the length of a mortal lifespan…”

In the portal, a young man approached from the forest, and upon seeing the crying girl, started forward.

My hands clenched uselessly at my side. What if he meant her harm?

“ …rough life already, some physical and mental abuse. Apparently she meets her soulmate today and goes onto become a pediatric psychiatrist, specializing in adolescent depression and suicide…”

The young man appeared the same age, wearing a dark leather jacket, his hands jammed in the pockets. He hesitated a few steps from her back, as if unsure how to proceed.

“Her work will save hundreds, and several of those saved will go on to save thousands. Very important assignment, really.”

His words barely registered, all my focus was on the face of the young man in the portal. Would he try to hurt her? Would he add to her life so full already of suffering and misery?

“Unfortunately they will be unable to have children, but thats where our little intervention comes in.”

A soft brush of leather was the only sound as the young man’s jacket was draped across the girl’s shoulders. He knelt down before her, brushing her hair away from her face. He slowly hugged her, letting her cry, gently patting her back in a comforting way.

“You will be born to them in 10 years time, and will spend time with them for the remainder of their lives here on earth.”

Sighing with relief, I turned away briefly from the portal to glance at Michael, a few of his words breaking through my stupor.

“Did you say a lifetime assignment? We never stay more than a few months at a time!”

He smiled at me, a little sadly. “You’ve been on one too many difficult assignments, my friend. Your heart is hurting and you can’t help anyone in this state. You will spend one more lifetime on earth, unaware of your origins. You will grow, live and die as a human before you return to us again.”

I stepped back, shocked. “If I can’t remember who I am, how will I accomplish my mission while living down on Earth?”

“Matthias, your mission is to LIVE down on earth. Love your family, live your life. The world will be a better place for it, I promise.” He turned away from me, facing the portal on the wall. “Besides, you’ve already met your new family today, thanks to your last assignment. “

I glanced at the portal, still showing the boy and girl embracing, talking to each other quietly.

“You mean…”

Michael gestured grandly at the portal, “Meet your new mother!”

I turned and started walking briskly towards the departure gates. Once past the golden structures I would be placed back on earth at the correct date and time of my new birth.

“Wait!” Michael called, “There’s no rush! Don’t you want to catch up first?”

I was almost to the gate, I didn’t stop.

“Why are you so eager to be born?”

At these words I paused, turning to my friend wth a bright smile.

“Because it’s the only way that I can get home.“

[what17says]

[ENG] SEVENTEEN’s Dazed Korea Interview (Vocal Team)

Word count: ~1900 words

Other team’s parts: Performance team - Hip Hop team

trans cr: hannah & kass @ what17says source: Dazed © take out only with credits

The second main characters of <DAZED> and SEVENTEEN’s three-month project are Dokyeom, Seungkwan, Woozi, Jeonghan and Joshua of SEVENTEEN’s vocal unit. When the bunch of boys who (looked like they) just woke up entered the studio orderly, they introduced their name and shared greetings. Seeing their five fresh and clear faces with both cheeks red while they were in front of the camera, I naturally missed spring. Although the wind was slightly cold, not matching the season, the midday sun was still shining brightly. When it was time for a short break, the photographer who was coolly dressed up in Vetements-style clothing - as if he just suddenly remembered something he had forgotten - played ‘Last Christmas’ loudly, filling the entire space. This was a good excuse to ask them what they were going to do on Christmas, which was not planned (to be asked as a question). The December edition that was filmed in the first week of November. Happy advance Christmas.

Q. I heard that in November, the month we’re meeting, there’s SEVENTEEN’s vocal team’s leader Woozi’s birthday.

Woozi: That’s right. I was born in November. I think that today’s photoshoot is going to be a good birthday present. Because we filmed in a way that we have not done usually, it was really fun.

Q. I looked into it and found out that all the vocal team members are born in either fall or winter. Did you guys know this?

WZ/Jeonghan/Joshua/Seungkwan/Dokyeom: We know each other’s birthdays but it did not occur to us that we were all born in fall and winter. That’s fascinating.

Q. What is the role of SEVENTEEN’s member and vocal team leader, Woozi?

WZ: I participate as a producer of SEVENTEEN’s albums. I write songs and do the all-around producing. I might be the leader, but I don’t have a good personality that is equipped with leadership. Since I’m not good with words and am on the quiet side. Instead, the rest joke around a lot and have bright personalities so they really help me out a lot. I don’t have the burden of being a leader, but instead, It’s enjoyable and I’m happy.

SK: Woozi-hyung buys us a lot of food, and he organises the vocal team’s perspectives and opinions and represents us. Thank you.

DK: He understands our dispositions and personalities well, and warmly encourages us as the leader.

Q. Joshua’s smiling brightly. You seemed really photogenic. You’re also good at Korean.

JS: I was born in America and lived there for nineteen years. When I first came to Korea, my Korean was clumsy, but living with the SEVENTEEN members helped me improve immensely.

Q. That’s right, I’ve been watching SEVENTEEN for two months, and I’ve felt a particular sense of ‘family’ a lot.

JH: It’s really like that. A lot of people around us have said that.

DK: It might be because we’re not fake towards each other and don’t embellish anything. Because they’re actions that we do since we really are close.

Q. The 13 of you are always together, even in the dorms. Are there any times when you want to be alone or you desperately want your own space?

SK: There are times when we want to be alone, so we just go out for a bike ride alone or a hike. If we have concerns or are in a bad mood, we figure it out by ourselves. Because we’ll feel sorry if we grumble towards the members.

JH: When I want to be alone, I just absentmindedly lie on my bed. I don’t like being left alone. I like going for walks like Seungkwan but I don’t like walking alone. That’s why I definitely have to ask a member to go with me.

WZ: I can’t do things alone. Be it eating alone or watching a movie. The only exception is when I’m making songs or writing lyrics, I have to be alone. I don’t think it’s a problem about concentrating. I have to be alone in the dawn for my true feelings to come out. It seems like only then my words can really come out. Other than that, I don’t like being alone.

DK: There’s a feeling you get when you’re alone. I do like that feeling, but it feels different day to day. It depends on how I feel that day.

JS: I like being alone. I like thinking while I’m alone, I also like going to a cafe and drinking coffee by myself. I’m the kind of person who likes watching a movie alone if possible. But of course I do watch (movies) with my members.

Q. I feel like Joshua is the type to cry easily.

JS: I never cry in front of other people. Only very seldom, when I’m by myself, when I’m really frustrated. I usually don’t express my emotions well, but because of the SEVENTEEN members, my personality has become a lot brighter.

DK: I could see him putting in effort to change himself. Now, he jokes around the most and is the liveliest member in the team.

Q. Is the (mood of the) interview too down right now? Because you’re all singers, I didn’t want to ask high-sounding and formal questions, but wanted to share a small and minor conversation about your personal feelings.

DK: I feel like I’m consulting a counselor, so I really like it though? I feel like you’re sincerely listening to our stories, so I feel good.

SK: That’s right. I think this has been the most different kind of interview we’ve ever done. I like it.

Q. Then I guess I’ll continue on with this counselling mode. I thought that Jeonghan was introverted like Joshua. But looking at you today, you’re very bright.

JH: I’ve also changed a lot. I used to be very introverted, but after starting this job and meeting SEVENTEEN, my personality has totally changed. I also think it’s fascinating. If I stumble upon a video from debut, I’d be shocked at how different I was as compared to now. I’ve been influenced a lot by the people I’m with during work and in situations.

Q. I can feel Dokyeom’s bright energy. Do you know that you’re good-looking?

DK: Am I good-looking? (laughs) Thank you. You said that you feel my bright energy; I’m trying to live brightly. I like exercising, and I’m the type of person who passionately puts effort in everything I do.

Q. Dokyeom, do you have any concerns nowadays?

DK: This is a serious problem, I have a lot of concerns with singing these days. It’s not so much a slump, but I don’t think it’s going well these days, and I’m worrying because I can feel the things I lack. I don’t want people to worry so I don’t say anything, but because all the members here sing, I think they will understand how I feel so I’m speaking out. They all support me, and listen to my problems.

Q. Have you guys seen performance team’s <DAZED> pictorial? I’m curious about the members’ and CARATs’ reactions.

WZ/JH/JS/SK/DK: They were so cool. Best pictorial ‘of all time’!

Q. It’s the case for all the members here, but Seungkwan looks like he really received a lot of love growing up.

SK: I was the pride of my family (laughs). It’s not that I studied well, but I was the class president, and I won a lot of awards. Because I’m a late child, my parents particularly doted on me a lot. I’m very thankful.

(T/N: Late child means someone who was born a lot later than his siblings, so there’s a significant age difference)

Q. While I was coming over to meet SEVENTEEN’s vocal team, I watched the ‘Healing’ music video in the car. It was very pretty. It made me feel good.

WZ: It’s a music video that was made using pieces of the music video we filmed during our Asia tour and putting them all together. The scenes were of us playing around, while naturally ‘healing’, like the word itself. In our last album, there’s a song called ‘Love Letter’ which we gave to the fans as a present, and we wanted to give them a present in this album too. Truthfully, we are all leading busy and tiring lives. Even in such situations, we want people to not forget to smile. It was a tight schedule, but I remember making it diligently because I really wanted to include it in the album. Thankfully, the fans like the song, and it’s one that the SEVENTEEN members hold dearly as well.

DK: Whenever we sing ‘Healing’ as our encore song during concerts, everyone gets excited and enjoys it. When I see the faces of fans liking it, I feel really happy.

Q. Woozi, who’s been sitting here quietly throughout and letting the other members respond, your voice gets louder and your eyes shines when talking about music or songs. It was interesting when you talked about the importance of ‘sincerity’ in your songs earlier. Do you think that all your songs are 100% truthful?

WZ: For example, no one can experience everything that is in the lyrics of a song. I don’t think the people who listen to or sing a song can understand and empathize with everything. The question is whether they understand that emotion. I absolutely do not write about fabricated things. If I write something that’s fabricated, the person listening would be the first to know that it’s fake.

Q. During the fall, SEVENTEEN was given a sweet resting period. What did you guys do?

WZ: We had a break with Chuseok as the starting point. We rested well, went to our hometowns, visited our parents, and practiced individually. Everyone seemed to have enjoyed the little things. I obviously went bowling, visited PC rooms, played futsal. I played like when I was a student.

JS: I went to America. I spent a lot of time with my mom. I ate delicious food, watched movies, and also went to Disneyland. I spent my break fruitfully.

DK: I went home, visited my parents, and ate good food. Every night, I’d go to the park near my house and ride my bike by myself, the wind felt really nice.

JH: I also went to visit my parents during Chuseok, and then went back to the dorm, since I actually wanted to rest, I didn’t know what to do. I napped a lot, and when I went to the practice room to practice, I followed the members around when they went to play. Since I actually wanted to rest, I felt uneasy.

SK: Jeju Island is my home. I experienced healing through my mom’s cooking. Her marinated crab is really delicious.

(T/N: Chuseok is Korean thanksgiving)

Q. You guys spent such a nice rest time during fall, but it’s winter now and it’s the rest of the year. What do you guys think you are going to be doing this Christmas and where?

WZ/JH/JS/SK/DK: We’ll probably be in the practice room. It seems like we’re going to be busy at the end of this year, and all the members are getting determined. Being busy is happy thing.

Q. There is only one more of <DAZED> and SEVENTEEN’s three-month project left. It’s nice seeing the manager I saw last month, and some sort of affection is has been formed without me realising. I’ve also memorized all thirteen members’ names. I hope I get to meet you guys again, in a few years, when the SEVENTEEN members have become even more splendid guys, and talk about how you guys have been. I hope you guys will be healthy until then.

WZ/JH/JS/SK/DK: Wow, let’s definitely meet. I think it’ll be really nice to see you again. Thank you for listening carefully to our stories.

Other team’s parts: Performance team - Hip Hop team

trans cr: hannah & kass @ what17says source: Dazed © take out only with credits

[lone-boy331]

Happy Birthday

The obnoxious beeping filled the room, and awoken me from my no-so-peaceful slumber, but hey it was still sleep. I rubbed my eyes and stretched in my bed, as my daily inhuman pterodactyl noise escaped my mouth. I raise my hand to my pounding head, ‘this is what a hangover must feel like’ I thought to myself. After some arguing with myself about going or skipping school, I got out of bed to go take a shower. While undressing, my eyes met with the ones in the mirror, I scoff and yank the curtain open to step inside the scolding stream of water. “Just how I like it, just hot enough to almost burn my skin off.” I say to the shower wall. After turning off the water I grab my towel and dry myself off, then step out to get dressed. Managing to walk straight I head to the kitchen, I see my mother standing there ignoring the sounds I was making. Silently, I stomp back to my room to gather my things and shove them into my backpack. I drag my feet to the front door and opened it almost stepping out, until I turned around. “Goodbye mom,” I practically shouted for her to hear me. “Mmhmm” She hummed, not looking in my direction. I stepped into the warm summer air and walked to my bus stop. I stood waiting for the annoying bus driver to roll up and open the door with a smile, along with the noise of the chattering students. However, I had my earbuds in to drown out the world, I just went to my seat and sat down. I purposely sat on the outside half so no one would ask to sit by me. After other stops and more kids filing in, we headed for the school so we can go and die just to relive it the next day. I followed the aisle and down the steps onto the concrete and proceeded to make my way into the torture chamber, I mean school. Turning my dial for the locker my friends step up to me and greet with tired eyes, I do the same. We make small conversation until we had to make our way to first period. When class is this early no one really pay attentions, we just kinda sit and stare at the board while the teacher says words no one remembers. That's mostly every class, except gym and lunch, in gym you actually have to do things that require movements from your body, and lunch is the one break everyone has and desperately needs. Thankfully the day ends and I get to get back onto the disgusting bus, yay. By the time my stop came you could see death in my eyes, but isn’t that just about everyone else? I practically jog to my house and break the door down, but I control myself and just lazily do it. “Hey mom I’m back.” I shout into the empty house. “Hmm, she must be out.” I concluded. I walk to my room and throw my bag onto the desk and lay down on my bed just staring at the ceiling. The silence comforts me in my alone time, thinking about nothing in particular. A welling feeling came to my eyes and tears began to stroll down my cheeks onto my sheets. Yet while crying a smile spread across my face, a ‘hic’ noise come from my mouth and I just lay there indulging the time I get to do it, letting everything loose. The water running out from my eyes came to a stop, I wipe my face and sit up, feeling the blood rush to my head and my vision blur. I sit down at my desk to start my homework, I diligently work until mother comes home, I greet her in the living room and she looks at me, a wave of regret washes over her. She steps past me into the kitchen where I follow her. “How was your day mom?” I ask, yet no reply. Having no use I go back to my room and continue my work. Time passes until dinner time rolls around, I go into the kitchen, but nothing was there except a note addressed to me. I pick it up and read it, my hands tremble and the paper slips out from my fingers and onto the floor. I run to the garage and pull the door open, the sight I saw haunted my mind. My mother hanging from a rope tied to the garage ceiling, her lifeless body swinging back and forth, one of her shoes slips off of her foot and onto the ground. Rummaging through my pocket I grab my phone and call the police, after a few minutes they arrive while I sat there and stared at the woman tangled in a noose, dangling. My eyes were glued to the scene, two hands grab my shoulders and lifted me up, a blanket was placed around me. “Everything will be okay,” said one of the men, I looked at them with no grief in my eyes. With nothing else to say they walk away to help the others, they lifted her body and placed her on a stretcher. Those cold dead eyes remained open as she passed me, no tears came to mine. One police man walked up to me and bent down to look at me in my eyes, his kind face consumed my vision. I focus on his features and he gave me a sad yet comforting smile. “Will you come with me?” said the man. “Sure” I reply, I get up and walk with him to the car and he opens the front passenger side door for me. I look at him in confusion, but proceed to sit down inside the car. We drive for a short time to the police station, he walks over to me and hangs his arm around my shoulders as we walk in the double doors. He leads me to his office and gestures to the seat for me to sit down. “So, a lot happened today… Do you have any family to go to for the night?” He questioned, I shook my head ‘no’. He exhaled and looked back at me. “Would you like to stay with me and my wife?” My eyes widen as I look into his soft ones, I had no choice. It was either go with him or go to the orphanage. “Yes” I whispered. He smiled and informed me about what was going to happen from then on. We return to my house to gather some things for the time being, and then headed over to his house. I followed him to the front door as he opened it and called his wife. She walked to where we were and looked confused, he stepped aside with her to explain what was going on. She look at me with a sorrow filled expression and nodded her head in approval. I was taken to the room I was going to stay in, I dropped my stuff and sat on the bed closing my eyes. The same obnoxious beeping noise woke me up in the morning, I must have fallen asleep. I get up and look for the shower, I walk into the bathroom and turn it on to step in. I get out and go back to my room then get dressed. I pick up my bag and walk out the door almost saying goodbye to mother, I close the door and realise I have zero idea where I am. So I walk back in to find someone to take me to school, I find the wife in the kitchen. “Could you take me to school, sorry I don't know where I am really.” I ask, she looks at me and smiles. We head into her car and she drops me off at the doors of the school, I get out and wave to her. I walk in and go to my locker waiting for my friends to come over, when they did that had apologetic looks on their faces. “I don't wanna talk about it,” I tell them, so they nod and we make conversation just about anything else. I go to my first hour class and sit down, the rest of the class file in and look at me. “As some of you may know last night Mrs. Wag left us and her child last night” She pointed at me, the whole class had their gazes set on me, I frantically scanned the room of judging eyes. The stares remind me of how my mother's eyes looked when her corpse passed me last night, lifeless and drained. After a few seconds the teacher returned to the lesson of the day until class was let out. I drag my feet to the next class and the next class, until during one of my classes where they mentioned my mother once again, they asked how I felt. “ How I feel? Well frankly I feel pretty bad, just last night I saw my mother dangling from the roof of the garage, her body just swinging there. So I think you can assume how I feel.” I rant out of frustration to the class and sit back down in a huff. Everyone's mouths hung open, not knowing what to say. The teacher came over to me and asked if I needed to go to the counselors. “Why would I need to, I’m fine” The same phrase slips past my lips. It's not like the teacher can force me to, so she left it alone for now and went on with the planned lesson. I secluded myself from my classmates for the rest of the day, and when lunch came around we all sat and ate in silence. After what felt like forever the day finally ended, I walk out of the door to find the same car that dropped me off waiting there. I go over to it and open the door, she looked at my exhausted expression then pulled away to go back home. We enter the silent house, I head to my room to start my homework, and wait until the policeman gets home to eat dinner. Days like that go by, months have passed, season come and leave. The unforgettable day of my mother's death rolls around, I didn’t go to school. I sit in my room and stare at the empty wall, thinking, I take out a sheet of paper and a pencil then begin to write, a long letter later and I get up to head downstairs. I walk into the garage with a smile on my face, I stand on the chair in the center of the room. “Happy Birthday to me.” A tear falls from my left eye onto the cold cement floor. I pull the object around my head and take a deep breath, and I close my eyes. I take a step off of the chair and kick it back in struggle. My guardians arrive home, thinking I was in my room recalling memories of my mother they left me alone. Dinner time came around and they supposedly called me down but got no response. The two of them searched the house for me until the last room was the garage, they looked at eachother and he opened the door. The same scene was set up as my mother, a body hanging from a rope by the garage ceiling. My mother and I destined for the same fate met our end, the same day one year apart. “Happy Birthday, Honey” I meet the mother I love once again.